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Puberty: 5 Major Changes Your Child Experiences {Episode 77}
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Puberty...In this episode we discuss 5 major changes children go through during transformation to adulthood. Â Physical changes, hormones, mental changes, emotional changes and spirituality during puberty are all discussed. Â Listen to this episode so you're prepared to help your child go through this major life experience.
Mentioned in this episode:
Great article on hormonal changes in the brain
The Care and Keeping of You body book for younger girls
The Care and Keeping of You body book for older girls
Episode 19: Talking to Kids about Sex
Episode 43: Raising Boys in the Modern Society
Episode 44: Raising Girls in the Modern Society
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Transcript
Introduction to Puberty Discussion
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast, episode 77. And today we are talking to you about puberty. Yay, fun, right? We're going to talk to you about five different areas that your kids go through puberty, physical changes, hormonal changes, mental changes, emotional changes, and spiritual changes. And in each of these areas, we're going to discuss it and we're going to give you tips on how to help your child get through puberty to the best of their ability.
Meet the Hosts: Parenting Experts
00:00:33
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
00:00:58
Speaker
Okay, and so now we're ready to talk about puberty, are you? No, this episode is one that we're doing at your request because we've discussed puberty in other episodes and we'll get into that in
Why Focus on Puberty?
00:01:12
Speaker
a minute. But you guys keep asking us if we'll talk specifically about puberty to a whole episode. So here you are at your request. Puberty, bring it on.
00:01:21
Speaker
Yeah, so I'm excited to talk about this topic. I really am. But first, I'm going to share a humor segment about my only teenager. We just have one right now. Later on this year, we'll have a second one. So in our church, the kids are asked to speak in front of the entire congregation when they turn 12.
00:01:37
Speaker
And so when my oldest did this a couple years ago, I said, he was asking me for some tips for public speaking. We were going through some things. And I said, you know, one tip is if you infuse just a little bit of humor, it helps you loosen up and it gets people paying attention, right? And so he said, okay, all right. So he writes this talk. And he just, at the beginning part, when he's just introducing himself and his family, he says, and I'm the oldest of nine kids, or maybe it was eight at a time.
00:02:04
Speaker
My younger siblings are very cute and my sister Alice is a great diaper filler. And of course the crowd loved it. I just thought it was so cute that he was mature enough to realize this is going to be a good one. I'm going to joke about poop. Something that always makes people laugh. In fact, we'll probably talk about this later too, but one of my favorite things about a teenager so far has been
00:02:31
Speaker
sharing humor, right? Like there's so much that goes over little kids heads, you know, nuance or double entendre and kids are like, huh? But when they hit, you know, 13, 14, 15, they get it. And it's so fun sharing jokes with kids. I love it. It's my favorite. Yeah, it is cute to see their first attempts at humor and making making jokes. They're usually terrible. You have to go. Oh, that's a good one.
00:02:58
Speaker
All right, so yes, at your request, we're doing this episode entirely about puberty.
Differences and Commonalities in Puberty
00:03:05
Speaker
And we've discussed it in part in our episodes about raising boys, raising girls, and teaching kids about sex. So you can go listen to those two to see specifically what we said about puberty
00:03:19
Speaker
for specifically to boys and girls. And we'll make some differentiation in this episode as well. Obviously it's quite different for boys and girls, but there are enough similarities that we're going to be talking about in general about quite a few things. Right. And that teaching kids about sex episode is what, like one of our top three people just keep listening to that one. So apparently there's something in there. It's a hard one for parents. Yeah. Yeah.
00:03:43
Speaker
Yeah. And I think that it's probably being requested so often because this is the time that parents and kids start to be a little bit more independent of each other, right? So for so long in your family, the parents are like always the ones in charge, always the authority figure, and the kids know that they need their parents to survive. And all of a sudden,
00:04:02
Speaker
the kids start to become a little bit more independent. They start to see the world a little bit differently from their parents, which is totally developmentally appropriate and normal, but it also sometimes causes tension, some fights as they become their own person who is not the same person as we are, right, as our mom and their dad. So it's an interesting phase for sure, but it can be wonderful.
00:04:24
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. And there's a whole other roller coaster of things that are going on in their lives and in their bodies. We're going to discuss five things that change during puberty, physical changes, hormones, mental changes, emotions, of course, and then spiritual changes. OK.
00:04:43
Speaker
Yep, I like that list. We also wanted to mention that puberty looks vastly different for each child, even in the same family. So comparison can be harmful at this time, right? So we have a little bit of this going on in my household. Kids have hit growth sports at different times. And sometimes they kind of joke to each other about, hey, why are you so tall? Why are you so short? Why are your hands so big? Whatever. And I think a little bit of good nature joking is okay, but we need as parents to be
00:05:10
Speaker
extra cautious that no one's getting their feelings hurt or comparing themselves because this is when body image issues tend to crop up as well. So just a note of warning there.
00:05:21
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. We measured our two oldest sons at the age we started measuring them at 10 years old. And I think at 12, there was a 10 inch difference in between their heights. Isn't that crazy? So two boys, same 100 percent, you know, the same from the same mom and dad, same genetics. And they're just them. They are who they are. And that's that's the way it is. Right. Right. And sometimes that hitting puberty can be like
00:05:49
Speaker
And they can hit it like eight years apart. Well, maybe not eight, but, you know, multiple years apart. And you're thinking one kid might be thinking, what's wrong with me? And the other one's thinking, oh, yeah, you should look like me. Whatever. It's just it's just not healthy to compare. Yeah. One thing we're not going to discuss in this episode because we don't have any experience with it yet. I mean, we still have a bunch of little kids, but that is precocious puberty where it the onset is way earlier than others. And Bonnie and I don't have experience with that. So we're not going to be discussing that in in this episode.
Navigating Physical Changes
00:06:20
Speaker
We are going to start with physical changes. So this one's pretty obvious. Pretty obvious change during puberty. This is when both boys and girls' bodies change in shape, in size, in function, in different ways. And again, we talk about this a lot in
00:06:36
Speaker
are raising boys and raising girls episodes. But these these physical changes, like sometimes they can hurt. I remember, especially in boys, how fast they grow. A friend of mine talked about in a month their son or in the summer, you know, between when he left school and went back to school, he grew like six inches and he would have like growing pains, leg pains at night. And just these incredible changes that are going on in boys and girls bodies at this time.
00:07:05
Speaker
Yeah, that kind of surprised me when I became an adult. I guess I just assumed growing pains were kind of like, I don't know, metaphorical. But they're real. They are real and they hurt, especially if there's a big growth spurt. So that's something to be aware of. We mentioned a little bit about clothing and fashion in our last episode on Body Image. And this is definitely a physical change as well. All of a sudden, as kids gain their independence, they start realizing, I don't want my mom to dress me anymore. Or I don't want to.
00:07:34
Speaker
look like everybody else. Maybe I want to carve my own path. Maybe I want to alter my clothes. Maybe I want to wear all black for a while, whatever. But this is something that is reflecting their newly found sense of self.
00:07:47
Speaker
Okay, so the next part we're going to talk about is the next physical change is acne. And it's probably the hardest part of puberty because it's so obvious. It's right there on the face, sometimes on the neck, back, chest, whatever. But it's like, hi. And it's right where, you know, everybody right in front of it.
00:08:08
Speaker
in front of the face and other physical changes can be and are more hidden, but there's no hiding acne. Really, you know, teenagers, it's just it's just part of part of puberty. And it's because the oil glands that produce more during puberty. And so. It just happens. It's just part of it. A very painful, embarrassing part, but it's part of it.
00:08:36
Speaker
So I found that acne is something that parents can really reassure their kid about, right? To say, hey, that's totally normal. Everybody goes through it. No need to be embarrassed. But then also watch out for warning signs like cystic acne or acne that doesn't eventually clear up so that they're not left with scars forever. There's lots of resources, lots of dermatologists and amazing doctors you can go to if you feel the need. But it is so, so, so normal that your kid's just going to have to get used to it. Like they all did, right?
00:09:05
Speaker
Unfortunately, yes. They grow into it and they will grow out of it, usually in most cases as well. Right. Okay, so another physical change is a couple more, is that body odor increases both in boys and girls. Voice changes actually in both boys and girls as well, but it's usually the boys we talk about because it's so much more dramatic.
00:09:28
Speaker
than the girls, right? And the body odor, I do have to say that you might find that this is one of the first changes your kid gets when going through puberty. And sometimes you're like, why does my nine-year-old stink, right? Like we're bathing as often as we can, whatever. And it's not just dirt stink, it is BO, right? So it's very important to get them, you know, starting those healthy self-care
00:09:54
Speaker
habits early on so that when things get even worse with acne and periods and everything else, then they're already set. They're already taking their showers. They're already washing their hair. Yeah. Yeah. They have to transition from the little kid having to bathe once or twice a week into everyday bathing or bathing as much as necessary. You know, twice a day you have gym class, you exercise. Go take another shower. Which is sometimes worse for teenage boys. Yeah. Sometimes more often.
00:10:24
Speaker
Yeah. And then the final physical change is just eating, hunger, cravings, lots, lots more. You know, you never, usually you do not have to convince a child going through puberty that they need to clean up their plate. Right. Especially not with boys. It's not like, you know, how many more bites do I have to take, Mom? No, they're beyond that stage. They're like, refrigerator's empty again, Mom. When are you going shopping?
00:10:53
Speaker
And then with girls, lots of times cravings come with puberty and with periods and all that. Sometimes lots of cravings come with that and you have to help guide them through that.
00:11:07
Speaker
Yeah, totally. In fact, if you have been pregnant before, maybe you understand the connection with increased hormones and increased cradings, right? And that's a lot of what these kids are going through in puberty too. And then add to that the growth spurts and they're just starving all the time. So it's important also for us to teach them, you know, more healthy habits like, okay, if you're hungry, please don't just get whatever treat is sitting in the pantry or just down a container of ice cream. Let's work on some nutritious options.
00:11:37
Speaker
Okay, so for the physical changes, we're going to offer a few tips here as well. My tip for these physical changes is to introduce and maintain an example of healthy diet and exercise. Obviously, this is important at all stages of life, especially when they're little kids and then growing. You know, their whole childhood, it's important to have healthy diet and exercise. But like I just mentioned, if all of a sudden their cravings and their appetite
00:12:02
Speaker
drastically increases, then they're going to be looking for high calorie foods to put in their mouth. And as we all know, quick energy snacks, and those are very often ones with little nutritional value, just a lot of fat and sugar. So that's a good example that we can be to them of stocking the house full of
00:12:22
Speaker
you know, the other high nutrient as well as high calorie snacks. And then exercise, like I think personally that if kids can develop healthy exercise habits during puberty in the teen years that they will probably be healthier than their peers hands down who did not develop those. Do you think that's true?
00:12:42
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's a good time for them to develop exercise habits that will possibly carry them through life. Like if they exercise during puberty, they'll be more inclined to exercise the rest of their life.
00:12:56
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, I think so too. And what we can do, instead of nagging them to do it, is just help them explore different opportunities to get exercise that they would enjoy, right? So let's say you've gone on a jog with your kid, but he hates it. He hates running. Then maybe you can go to a yoga class together, or then maybe you can go on a bike ride together, or to just have an active lifestyle that you're constantly encouraging your child to find something they love that they can incorporate into their life forever.
00:13:22
Speaker
Yeah, totally. Just because, you know, like we were talking about at the beginning, there will be differences between you and your child at this time. So just because your favorite way of exercising is, you know, fill in the blank, that's not necessarily going to be theirs. And it's not a rebellious thing. It's just that they're developing their own character. Right. So my so my tips for helping them with the physical changes are, well, of course, there's the special preparation for periods in girls.
00:13:54
Speaker
our figures change with our cycle. And so as far as garments go, you know, maybe we want to wear looser elastic waist clothes some days, and maybe we want to wear more tighter clothes other days, and then getting them ready, obviously teaching them how to use the special products that are required during periods. That's important too, just to be prepared ahead of time. I did want to talk a little bit about
00:14:12
Speaker
I think as women, we know that our
00:14:24
Speaker
when they go through the clothing experimentation like you were talking about. I did want to address a little bit more about the clothing situation because I think that a lot of parents have kind of a question as their kids start to go through puberty and experiment with their own style and their own clothing. And I know we talked about this in body image for ourselves when we talked a lot.
00:14:48
Speaker
at the end of that episode about finding your own style, but your kids have to do this as well. And a lot of times you'll see kids go, you know, they'll try something for a little while and they may or may not like it. And just not to be too critical of your kids' clothing choices and what they choose to wear while still maintaining your family's guidelines. Obviously,
00:15:14
Speaker
for us, we feel they live in our house, they need to follow our guidelines, but they can do any amount of experimenting within those guidelines that we have set out for them while they live in our house. And it's just, it's kind of a balancing act to
00:15:30
Speaker
let them become who they are and still respect your rules, maybe your standards. Maybe you have some modesty standards for dressing in your house. And so just respect your guidelines while still giving them enough freedom to experiment and become their own self.
00:15:50
Speaker
Yeah, I love that and I appreciate you sharing that as a more experienced mom of teens because I think it's easy for us to think, oh my gosh, they're going to dress like a weird goth kid for the rest of their life. What now? Or are they really going to only wear?
00:16:05
Speaker
chartreuse for the next 30 years. We all know that's not going to happen, right? But what we can be worried. So I like that to just say, hey, you can wear what you want as long as you have some modesty standards and also as long as they're dressing appropriate for the occasion, right? So like, no, you still can't wear ripped jeans to church. You can't, you know, sure you can wear that out with your friends, but you still have to have a certain standard for school or wherever else they're going. So I like that.
00:16:30
Speaker
OK, so our second change that we're going to be discussing is hormonal changes.
The Role of Hormones in Development
00:16:34
Speaker
Now, this is like the number one everybody thinks about when talking about puberty, right? Yes, it's a big one.
00:16:41
Speaker
So we found out that brains release a hormone that begins the puberty process. So it needs to signal to the body that, hey, you're about that age. It's time to start changing, right? So the males increase testosterone and the girls have an increase in estrogen. So we've all heard these words before. They're very important in the development of the body to prepare them to become adults and to have children of their own, right?
00:17:07
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. So as I was researching this, I found that hormones, there's two ways that hormones change the actual brain. Now the testosterone and the estrogen, those causes the physical changes in the body that we were just talking about. But there's different hormones that are going on in your brain. And they actually, you remember how we were talking about that in, in mom brain, how our brains are actually different in our episode on mom brain. Our, our brains are actually different on an actual like EKG or MRI after
00:17:37
Speaker
We have children from one before, remember that? Well, they have done similar studies, MRIs, on brains of kids before, during, and after puberty. And so they found that the brains are actually changing during puberty as well. So there's two ways that the brains, hormones change the brain. Organizational changes, so those cause the body
00:18:04
Speaker
to release the testosterone or the estrogen that caused the physical changes in the body. And they like reorganize the entire body to become an adult body as opposed to a kid body. And then the other way hormones change the brain is called activation. And what this is, is it actually changes the circuits, the neural circuits in the brain, the way they're organized for adult social
00:18:28
Speaker
and reproductive behaviors. I thought that was so fascinating because there is such a huge difference between the way that kids interact in social settings and the way that adults interact. And it's because of, during puberty, our brains reorganize so that we can make those different changes.
00:18:49
Speaker
Isn't that interesting? Yeah. And so much has to change for us to be mature enough and capable enough to have children of our own, right? Yes. And create our own family. Fascinating. So these hormones can also cause structural reorganization in the brain and plasticity. So this word means the brain's ability to change throughout an individual's life. So these hormones really help this brain be more flexible, right? Yeah. And prepared for whatever, whatever
00:19:18
Speaker
comes along in your later on in your life. Yeah. Yeah. This topic is really like deep and way beyond what I could understand. But I will link to the article that I was looking at about the way that hormones change the brain. If you're interested and you can understand research and medical and scientific terminology and you want to dig into it deeper. So we'll link to that in the show notes. But we wanted to share a couple of tips for dealing with the hormonal changes during puberty.
00:19:46
Speaker
Basically, just realize that these hormonal changes are something they cannot control. You cannot control your hormones. They just are. They're making you change, your body change in different ways, and you cannot change these hormones. But you can control, a person can control their responses to the changes that these hormones bring. So that's where we can help our kids
00:20:16
Speaker
adapt and respond to these changes in moderation without becoming a complete drama queen for any other better way to put it. Exactly. This has been tricky for me as I have a girl coming into puberty simply because the boy changes are a lot easier for me to deal with. I don't do drama.
00:20:37
Speaker
I don't like the tears and it stresses me out. So this is definitely a tip that I need to allow them to feel those feelings, but then to also teach them that they can control these responses. So I also have noticed how important it is that we teach our children to feel their feelings, to not shut down their feelings, right? So your kid gets really upset about X, Y, or Z, and they're just sobbing. And it can be really, especially if we think that the reason for their tears is
00:21:06
Speaker
irrational and can be easy for us to say, stop it, stop the crying, it's not necessary, etc. But this can actually do some damage because they really are feeling those feelings. Instead, I found that a good way to deal with this is when they're calm.
00:21:22
Speaker
So, you know, comfort them as they need to when the hormones are flaring. But then later on when they're calm to sit down and talk them through the steps of how to control their feelings to a certain extent, right? So I think we've talked about in one of these episodes, the life coaching model, you know, where there's a situation and then you have a thought about it and then you have an emotion, et cetera. So sometimes, I mean, I remember as a teenager feeding those emotions, right? Oh, it just feels good to cry and nobody likes me and I'm never gonna be fun, you know? But to teach your kid.
00:21:52
Speaker
There's nothing wrong with crying or being angry or whatever the emotion is that's coming from those hormones. But be aware of that negative thought loop that's feeding it, right? If you want to feel better, you're going to have to interrupt those thoughts and say, okay, let's be realistic. Does everyone hate me? No. Am I never going to be popular? No. You know what I mean? Like that these are irrational thoughts that are just feeding this emotion that you're already feeling. Right, right.
00:22:16
Speaker
And all this talk about the hormones leads us into mental, mental changes.
Mental Enhancements and Challenges
00:22:22
Speaker
So there's mental changes as as well. And in some ways, the the child's brain, the puberty, pubescent child's brain performs better than in childhood. And in some ways, it actually performs worse during this time because of all these raging hormones and all these emotions. And, you know, you might look at your child that's having a meltdown,
00:22:46
Speaker
your teenager or your pubescent child and say, what on earth, you didn't this did not used to upset you and now you can't get past this. Well, OK, that is true. While this brain reorganization is going on, they, you know, somewhat sometimes there's an area that just doesn't those synapses just don't fire as well as they used to because they're reorganizing. But then, of course, there's lots of ways where they're where they're performing better than they did during childhood.
00:23:11
Speaker
Yeah, that's true. And I haven't thought about that. Oftentimes we think that they're just kind of supposed to be growing up in all areas. But that's an interesting point that mentally sometimes they can't process things as well as maybe they used to.
00:23:23
Speaker
They also become more mature and better able to handle certain thought processes like in their schoolwork, right? We'll be able to see them all of a sudden have this ability to do more advanced science, math, other kind of concrete subjects that require a certain amount of maturity to think them through. And I've noticed this between
00:23:45
Speaker
Oh God, it depends on the kid. But you know, anywhere between nine to 13 or so I've seen, you know, one year they just can't grasp a concept and then the next year they do. And it's just their brain, you know, rewiring, developing that plasticity, learning, growing. And it's amazing what they can what they can conquer, you know, in just the next year or two of school.
00:24:08
Speaker
Right. Right. A couple of times I've had the opportunity to teach a tutor an older child who doesn't have the ability to read yet, or maybe they're not, they've never been introduced to math or, you know, whatever, something they're quite behind in. So they've come to me for tutoring. And it's actually quite rewarding to teach an older child a very simple thing like
00:24:34
Speaker
learning to read or learning to diagram a sentence or learning to do elementary math because they pick it up so fast. And you think about how many hours and weeks and months you spend teaching a five-year-old to read. Well, with a ten-year-old, you can have, if they don't know how to read, you can have them reading in two weeks. And it's just because they've got this advanced ability in their brain to just do this stuff, pick it up, and they're advancing in their knowledge.
00:25:04
Speaker
Yeah, I will share one other thing with that. Something that people talk to me about very often is, well, what if I get behind in homeschooling?
00:25:12
Speaker
And I want to be like, great. Once your kid is 10, they're going to sail through everything they were supposed to have already learned. Now, there are certain things that it can really benefit them to learn early on because then they just have the skills to get farther along. But if they're behind in things, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes things are just easier. Sometimes we need to just cool it with the pushing and the pulling. And you can do this. You can do this because your friend's doing this at this age. Or just wait a year and it'll be that much easier. Yeah.
00:25:42
Speaker
Yeah. So the next part of the mental changes that we're going to talk about is they come into advance into different ways of perceiving social interactions. So before two kids playing in a sandbox, two kids playing in a sandbox. That's all there was to it. But now there's all the nuances. Okay. So say it was a boy and a girl playing in a sandbox and
00:26:04
Speaker
you know, how the female brain works are like, oh, he pushed that car toward me. You know, when you're 15, he must like me before it might have just been, hey, we're playing in the sandbox and then we go off on our way. But there's all of these. I know sandbox probably isn't the greatest illustration, but the social interactions become very much more nuanced and they're just perceived so much differently than they are during childhood. And then they will be later in adulthood as well.
00:26:34
Speaker
Yeah, that's so true. And if you've ever watched a child with special needs grow up, you might notice this around this time when they do not pick up on those social cues, right? You know, like maybe there's autism or some other diagnosis where it's hard for them to understand that that side glance that someone just gave them meant that they were annoyed.
00:26:55
Speaker
And that's a really tough thing to deal with with a kid that doesn't pick those up because that's natural at this age. Middle school and early high school that just, oh, he doesn't like me because he made that face at me. And it helps them navigate those waters. Right. Whereas that doesn't come with a child that maybe has some mental delays. Yeah.
00:27:17
Speaker
So another aspect of how the brain can change at this age is that some mental illness or mental struggles can enter the scene, specifically anxiety, depression, et cetera. We're seeing a huge resurgence of teen depression and suicide right now, which is just heartbreaking. But it's so important for us to realize that this is part of how the brain works is it starts to maybe put doubts in their mind, et cetera. And if a child is predisposed to mental illness, it might start very early.
00:27:46
Speaker
And to just be aware of that and looking for warning signs so that you can help your child before things get bad. Yes, yes, that's so true. And I want to go back to a little bit what we were saying about our tips on physical changes and maintaining a healthy diet and exercise and all that because it's so important in the way that your brain functions as well, not just
00:28:10
Speaker
food, you know, fuel for your body. But what you eat is also fuel for the way your brain works, too. And so, you know, eating an entire bag of potato chips might satiate your hunger. But boy, what's your brain going to do in an hour, you know? So some of the things that we're seeing in tips and other areas, they do cross over into different areas as well. So now we're going to share a couple of tips for helping
00:28:36
Speaker
with these mental changes. A big thing is to a big tip is to share our own mental changes and struggles and the different ways that we began to perceive social interactions differently and just share our own experience with our kids so that they know that what they're feeling is not abnormal. It is just a part of puberty as much as a pimple on your face is part of puberty. So some of these feelings that are kind of hard to deal with.
00:29:04
Speaker
Um, we went through it too as parents. So we're here for you and you can talk to us. We're like safe. You like, um, I think I said in our episode on teaching kids about sex, like I want to be the person my kids come to talk to when they have a question. And so the way that we share and interact with them at this time about their own mental struggles and changes makes, uh, makes them feel
00:29:29
Speaker
safe and confident and comfortable in approaching us about any questions they have about puberty. Yeah, exactly. And my tip is to just provide opportunities for different types of socialization. So sometimes kids, you know, kids all have a very limited exposure to the world.
00:29:49
Speaker
because they're in our household and they are basically exposed to whatever we want them to be exposed. I mean, a little bit more now because of the internet and this information age. But as we give them other opportunities to meet people and make friends, et cetera, that we can help walk them through. So, for example, there was a situation with my big kids where they were able to go and hang out with some friends of friends that they'd never met before.
00:30:14
Speaker
And so they came back and we just were able to have this great discussion like, so how did it feel to show up at this party where everybody knew each other, but you guys didn't? They're like, oh, it was a little awkward when somebody made a joke and we all laughed, et cetera. Okay, so would you like to do something at our house like that to just kind of help them navigate this really kind of bizarre world of socialization because it's so different. You know, like as we're talking about, they start to pick up on these social cues, it's so different.
00:30:41
Speaker
than what they've been aware of in the past. They need a little bit of hand holding through that process. Right. Yes. So help them before and after every social interaction that they might have awkwardness with. Right. So that the next one can be better. Yeah.
00:30:59
Speaker
Okay, moving on to number four, and this is really, really closely related to mental changes and what's going on in the brain and all that is emotional changes.
Emotional Rollercoaster of Puberty
00:31:08
Speaker
And this is probably, you know, number one or number two, what people think about when they think of puberty is
00:31:17
Speaker
the mood swings, the intensity of the feelings, the self-consciousness about the body, about the acne, about everything that's going on. And it's just, you know, it's just part of puberty. It is all this deep, intense emotional stuff going on.
00:31:35
Speaker
I mentioned this on Facebook the other day that kids, the pleasure center of the brain develops first, right? And so their emotions are like, you know, give me what I want, you know, which is hanging out with friends or playing games or eating junk food or whatever. But their prefrontal cortex, which is the like the brakes of the brain, that's like, oh, that's not a good idea. It develops later. And so even though some kids at 13 are big enough to drive a car,
00:32:03
Speaker
You don't put them behind the wheel because they're not ready. They don't have the maturity and the emotional physical or I guess maybe even the physical but emotional mental development to say running that yellow light is not a good idea, right? And that is the case socially.
00:32:21
Speaker
Just in so many aspects is that they don't have, they lack the decision making skills. They rush into things, they don't think about it. They're just still developing. And that can be difficult to remember when your kid is towering over you, right? I think about that a lot. Like, why are you talking to me like this? But then I look at him and I go, oh, you're not an adult. You're still a kid. And I still have to teach you right from wrong. Yes.
00:32:44
Speaker
Yes, that's so funny. Get down here so I can pull your ear and talk some sense into it. Right. Right. But again, I think during this time, acceptance and tolerance of the emotions. But again, without compromising your own family's rules and guidelines. So like you said, the pleasure sensor develops first without that, the brakes on it. So just because you felt like it would be a good idea, it would
00:33:14
Speaker
be pleasing, bring you pleasure to do this thing. Well, that's not acceptable in our family, according to our rules or our family's motto or our guidelines. And you still can't do that. So yes, feel what you're feeling. Have your intensity of these feelings. And I guess specifically, you know, go back and listen to our episode on teaching kids about sex. But just because you feel something, you feel a
00:33:42
Speaker
an urge or you're led by something, you know, have those family rules and guidelines in place first before they get to this age where
00:33:53
Speaker
the pleasure sensor is working faster than the brakes. Right, right. And there are so many aspects of life that this applies to, but the number one I'm thinking about right now is sex and probably everybody else as well. It is so scary when they go crazy with these emotions and they don't have the standards or the rules to keep them safe. And I remember my parents giving me rules too that I thought, that is the stupidest rule I've ever heard in my life.
00:34:18
Speaker
don't park in a car alone with a boy. And I'm like, really? We can't sit in the car and talk? No, you can't, dummy. And in five years, you'll understand why. Exactly. It did not take long for me to figure it out. But to hopefully engender respect so that they will know that mom and dad are just trying to protect you and that you have urges that you don't fully understand yet. So please obey the rules and you will be grateful later on. We can promise that.
00:34:48
Speaker
So, my first tip for these emotional changes is to do the best to treat them like the adult they're becoming because they can tell. They don't want to be talked down to, right? They're getting older. They want to have this sense of independence and new self.
00:35:03
Speaker
that they're exploring, and they want it to be respected, but you still have to make them follow the rules, or at least make life miserable if they don't, right? You can't make anybody do anything, but you can say, well, if you choose to do this, then you will not have access to the car. If you choose to do this, you will not, et cetera. I'm still just barely dipping my toe into the water of that, so don't scare me too much, Audrey. This reminds me of an analogy, and I don't know if I've shared this before,
00:35:34
Speaker
An analogy of a roller coaster. You go and sit in a roller coaster and you get the straps pulled down on you. The first thing you do is you yank on them once they lock into place. I remember reading this somewhere and they said, why do you pull on the straps? Are you hoping that they're going to fail?
00:35:50
Speaker
I'm like, well, no, I'm just making sure that I'm safe, right? And they said that this is basically what teenagers are doing when they push back against rules. They might think that they want it to fail so they can do this fun thing, but really they need to know where the safety
00:36:07
Speaker
mechanism is, right? Where the lines are. Can I go this far? Oh, nope, not that far. How about this far? Okay, that's okay, right? So in order to make them feel safe in a world that they don't quite yet understand, you have to put the boundaries in place and stay firm with them. It's not doing them any favors to let them walk all over them.
00:36:24
Speaker
Oh, man, I totally agree. Yeah, they're so sensitive about how we are treating them during puberty. You know, you're just treating me like I'm a little kid. And also what you said about boundaries, you know, they're pushing on those boundaries to make sure they're still there. And that's my tip, is that we need to be the adults. We need to be the island in the storm, the rational one, the calming influence, so that when they are just tossed to and fro by these mood swings and these hormones,
00:36:52
Speaker
and everything that's going on in their brain and in their bodies that we can be the one that's rational. Like, you know, they're having a meltdown and if we just turn around and start snapping or yelling or whatever at them too, it's not a very effective way to help them. I know it's hard and I fail so often, but we have to try to be the adult in the situation because we're there and that's where they're aiming.
00:37:20
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that if you've read a single parenting book, you know that the key to dealing with naughty toddlers is to be the adult, right? Don't throw a fit when they're throwing a fit, don't yell, et cetera. Well, guess what? It's the same thing with the teenagers, only it's harder because they know how to push your buttons, right? They know how they do.
00:37:38
Speaker
just the right thing to drive you crazy. But it is always the key is to just being that island in the storm. And and I've noticed that when I can stay calm, even if my kid is saying or doing horrible things, that he eventually comes back and apologizes and and make make some ends. But if I get to that level and and freak out as well, then the relationship just goes down the toilet. Right. So if you want.
Spiritual Exploration During Adolescence
00:38:04
Speaker
So the last kind of changes that we're talking about are spiritual changes. And this is something that not a lot of people talk about, but it is very important because as these kids develop their sense of self, we want to make sure that they're taking care of themselves spiritually as well. They start to think more deeply about life, about the meaning and purpose of what they're doing here. And you know, every family has a different set of values and spiritual
00:38:31
Speaker
standards, I guess, but your kid is going to go about finding his own differently from you and we have to allow them the space to do that.
00:38:41
Speaker
Right. Right. This time, the teenage years are often when decisions are made that affect the entire future. So what they're going to do in life and all that. But these decisions are often affected and made as a result of the spiritual thoughts that they're having during this period and they will affect the future. So it's important that we acknowledge that, I don't know, maybe it's part of all this brain reorganization that the hormones are causing
00:39:10
Speaker
but they do start to think more deeply spiritual thoughts during this time. And we can be a guide and help them with this area as well.
00:39:21
Speaker
Yeah, and I think this can be a very loaded topic because many teens choose to believe differently from their parents at this stage, and that can be heartbreaking if you have a really deep-seated set of beliefs. But they still are looking for input from you, right? So my first tip for this area is to teach them to reach out to God, to encourage them to do it on their own, or whatever higher being that you talk to them about, right? And then help them process what they're feeling and experiencing after that.
00:39:50
Speaker
So I've found that sometimes I forget to share my own spiritual journey with my kids. But to say, hey, you know what? When I was your age, I had trouble with this. And so I prayed about it. And this is what happened. Or help them recognize that maybe if you've been thinking a lot about something, that might be
00:40:05
Speaker
an answer to a prayer or, you know, just kind of walk them through the same steps that you went through to get to where you are spiritually. And maybe they'll believe in the same thing or maybe it will be something else, but they will have followed hopefully the same steps to reaching that conclusion of what they believe in. Yeah, I really agree with that too.
00:40:25
Speaker
The number one thing that we try to do for our kids during this time also is to encourage them to have their own relationship with God and not to rely on ours but to develop their own
00:40:38
Speaker
And another thing we do is we expose our kids to many different beliefs and religions and thoughts and talk them through those while we also share our own beliefs and why. So why we believe what we believe, not just this is what we believe and
00:41:01
Speaker
and period. No, but this is what we believe, comma, and this is why. And I also think that this is not a time to let them figure it out for themselves with no input from parents. Often I have heard a school of thought that says, well, we just try to do the right thing and hope they'll learn from our example. Well, we believe that's not enough, that we need to give them guidance because we're the people that they trust and respect and
00:41:31
Speaker
And they need they need input from somebody if they don't get it. Like on all these subjects that we've been talking about, all these changes, if they don't get help from us, they're going to turn somewhere else for help. And how can we how can we be disappointed in their choices or even take it personal? Their choices if we didn't give them input ourselves like we can't we can't take we can't take blame for that and we can't take responsibility for it that
00:42:00
Speaker
if we have given them no input, no guidance. So I don't know, not sure how much sense that makes, but we do try to influence our kids, or we couldn't say that we believe
00:42:13
Speaker
in what we believe in if we weren't trying to convince others to believe in it too. That sounds like confusing, but if you think about it for a second, it might make sense. Yeah, exactly. I love that you share what others believe in and why as well. I think some people, that might make them nervous because they think, well, I want my kids to believe like me. But if you have a deep-seated why, and you're sharing that as well, then it shouldn't be
00:42:40
Speaker
anything out of the ordinary to say, and other people believe this way and this is why they believe that way. And they can get, it actually helps them to be, you know, to kind of see, often see their own belief system in a deeper light, right? By seeing, oh, and others choose to believe this way, et cetera. But it's a tricky thing as they develop their own sense of self, but I really believe that they need to look to parents for guidance. Yeah. Like you said, I love that.
00:43:06
Speaker
Okay, so that's what we have for you today on the five different areas that kids change during puberty. And we're going to link in the show notes that in depth article on the way that hormones affect the brain. And did you have any other thing you wanted to?
00:43:21
Speaker
linked to or recommend, Bonnie? Actually, I think we've linked a couple of developmental child appropriate developmental books in our raising girls and raising boys. And we'll relink to those as well, because they're just so good, the body books for the girls and the boys, because they're just so good at this stage to keep kids eyes open and aware of what's going to happen. So they're not taken by surprise. Thanks so much for tuning in. Did you know you can help the podcast in several ways?
00:43:50
Speaker
First up, we're on Patreon, and there are three different levels to support us there. Just head to patreon.com slash outnumbered.
00:43:58
Speaker
Next step, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other parents find the podcast and receive the help you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumbered the podcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at outnumbered the podcast at gmail.com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week. Okay. And another
00:44:27
Speaker
Physical change during pregnancy is, it's probably the hardest part of puberty. You said during pregnancy. Oh my goodness. Different P word. Take two.