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Dying, Dining: Amber the Mortician’s Kitchen Tales
27 Plays2 years ago
Welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper Podcast! This time, Jennifer sits down with Amber Carvaly, who you probably know as the 'Mortician in the Kitchen'. Curious how she got that name? Tune in as Amber shares her life story and everything that led her to this special title.
But there is more to this conversation than just Amber’s story, as she and Jennifer also chat about topics that some find hard to talk about death, dying, and yes, even food. So if you’ve ever thought of turning feelings of loss into something tasty, you’re not alone! Stream this episode and learn about Amber’s unique recipe, which is inspired by the ways we remember and honor our loved ones. And, make sure you don’t miss out on their tips on how you can make it easier to talk about difficult topics such as death and dying.
We hope you enjoy this episode!
LITTLE NUGGETS OF GOLD:
- Amber’s journey through life that led her to becoming the ‘Mortician in the Kitchen’
- The fascinating and oftentimes taboo topics of death, dying, and food
- Irish funerals and food
- How to bring these taboo topics to light and make them more accessible for everyone.
- Converting grief into recipes: A recipe inspired by funerals and memorial services
Connect with the Amber Carvaly:
Website: https://www.morticianinthekitchen.com/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@morticianinthekitchen
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/morticianinthekitchen
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper:
Facebook Page - Muldowney Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/MuldowneyMemorials/
Facebook Page - Rainbow Bridge Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbridgememorialsdotcom
Instagram - @muldowneymemorials & @jennifermuldowney
Twitter - @TheGlamReaper
Email us here: glamreaperpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction: Meet Amber, the Mortician in the Kitchen
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:00:03
Speaker
I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney aka the Glam Reaper.
00:00:06
Speaker
On today's episode I am met with the beautiful Amber who's also known as the mortician in the kitchen and we talk some deep and some heavy things.
00:00:19
Speaker
We definitely discuss mental health,
00:00:22
Speaker
we touch on topics like suicide and so if any of those are going to affect you maybe just listen to or watch this episode with caution but it's a good episode and we do talk about food as well so let's get into it
00:01:03
Speaker
chit-chatting online which you know uh my parents generation don't really understand a whole lot of social media and sort of they're like oh stop telling everybody all your details and all putting right there um but you and I would never know each other without social media well let's be honest we do have a couple of mutual friends in common which does happen in this space um but why don't you um tell everybody who you are and how you came to be mortician in the kitchen which I'm obsessed with
00:01:31
Speaker
That seems like a fair question.
The Role of Food in Funerals and Memories
00:01:33
Speaker
So like 10 years ago-ish, I don't know, we were talking earlier about how time has no meaning and I always get caught up because I'm like, I don't know how long it's been.
00:01:41
Speaker
Yeah, I'm a licensed funeral director.
00:01:44
Speaker
I went to mortuary school.
00:01:47
Speaker
I think the easiest explanation is that like I've worked in food service forever and like since I was like 15 or 16 and I think that I was attracted to
00:01:58
Speaker
The funeral world for the same reason that I stayed in hospitality so long is that I am very hospitality driven.
00:02:04
Speaker
And I like making people feel good and comfortable when they're not feeling good.
00:02:11
Speaker
And I think that we forget how important food is because... Wait, how do I say that?
00:02:17
Speaker
I stop myself a lot.
00:02:18
Speaker
I'm always like, how do I say, you know, when people are like, hangry is a very real thing and they come in and yeah.
00:02:24
Speaker
I'm not sure people know to avoid you like the plague.
00:02:27
Speaker
Jen's like, throw peanuts at her or give her a muffin or something.
00:02:33
Speaker
I packed up some stuff for my boss yesterday and I put pretzels in the bag and I was like, so there are some stickers to hand out and there's also a snack.
00:02:43
Speaker
Like I'm very food motivated.
00:02:45
Speaker
When I was little and I came home from school, my parents would be like, how was school today?
00:02:49
Speaker
And I'd be like,
00:02:49
Speaker
Well, you had a snack.
00:02:53
Speaker
So this is why when I'm like, well, it's hard to say how I got started because I think I am food motivated and have been since an early age.
00:03:01
Speaker
But yeah, I just sort of like working in funeral services, I really realized how important food was.
00:03:08
Speaker
It sort of was this thing where every single funeral,
00:03:12
Speaker
people would, you know, they get up and they talk about the decedent and they would always bring up food, whether or not it was a favorite restaurant that they went to a favorite drink that they shared a favorite meal that the decedent prepared.
00:03:25
Speaker
It was just this fluidity that I began to notice is that no matter who the person was, no matter what their religion was, no matter what their age was, food was always a connecting piece.
00:03:36
Speaker
And it, it was weird because it was sort of just like a aha moment.
00:03:41
Speaker
And I,
00:03:41
Speaker
I didn't know what to do with it for a really long time.
00:03:44
Speaker
It was like, it's taken me almost four or five years to really even figure out what I'm trying to say, you know?
00:03:51
Speaker
And it's, you, it's like, you know, like I'm gesturing.
00:03:54
Speaker
Cause it's like, I feel it.
00:03:55
Speaker
It's this thing where I'm like, I know I'm onto something, but I, it's like, but what, what is it?
Societal Pressures and Personal Reflections
00:04:01
Speaker
Is it that I am, is it that I want to ultimately always say we have more in common than we, we have differences.
00:04:07
Speaker
You know, we, we all, we all die first of all.
00:04:10
Speaker
but we all eat, you know, and maybe people don't get to fall in love.
00:04:15
Speaker
Maybe you, I hope everybody does.
00:04:16
Speaker
Maybe you don't get to have a pet.
00:04:18
Speaker
Maybe you don't get to travel, but every day, every human has to get up and eat to sustain themselves.
00:04:24
Speaker
So it just became this thing that I sort of like went down this rabbit hole.
00:04:27
Speaker
And it was like, the more that I scratched at the surface, the more I would find.
00:04:31
Speaker
And I've just sort of gotten to a point where I've like thought of a name for myself.
00:04:36
Speaker
I'm like, ah, I'm a culinary...
00:04:38
Speaker
culinary grief educator.
00:04:41
Speaker
Yes, that makes sense.
00:04:44
Speaker
So yeah, I don't know.
00:04:45
Speaker
It's, it's every time people are like, what do you do?
00:04:47
Speaker
I'm like, I don't know.
00:04:49
Speaker
That's a fair question.
00:04:51
Speaker
As a society, listen, I love to read self-help books and, you know, business books and anything that's going to kind of help me in business and in life.
00:05:01
Speaker
And
00:05:03
Speaker
I feel like sometimes in society, there's a lot of pressure to sort of, oh, have your purpose and have your why and have all of this sort of figured out, especially.
00:05:10
Speaker
I mean, I turned 40 last year and, you know, I'm still single.
00:05:14
Speaker
And, you know, as I always joke, my brother has ticked every box.
00:05:18
Speaker
He's got the dog, you know, the two kids, the house, you know, he's the wife.
00:05:24
Speaker
Whereas I just went, I'm off to New York.
00:05:26
Speaker
bye on the way I went but like I don't think what I think is amazing about um our generations now and the ones coming after us is there is more of that freedom and that acceptance of sort of listen we all don't have it figured out our parents don't even have it figured out I mean we're all really adulting is hard and anybody that isn't is a liar I'm sorry because it is it's just it's
00:05:52
Speaker
sickness it's death it's life it's love and loss it's everything and it's hard sometimes it's really really hard um and i think you know we just need to take less pressure off ourselves and i did a whole tedx talk on judgment but like taking that judgment off of okay you're mortician in the kitchen you're amber i mean who cares if you haven't got it figured out i mean i personally like when i found you and again it just goes to show social media
00:06:18
Speaker
When I was during COVID, I was stuck in a pretty much windowless basement.
00:06:25
Speaker
And what I do in the funeral space is very people orientated.
Mental Health and Openness on Social Media
00:06:29
Speaker
It's not sort of things virtual.
00:06:31
Speaker
And, you know, I don't deal with the bodies.
00:06:33
Speaker
And so I didn't have a whole lot of work.
00:06:35
Speaker
I helped where I could and I did what I could.
00:06:37
Speaker
And I did do a lot of virtual services.
00:06:39
Speaker
But my job is very much about food and drink and bringing people together and the celebrant part of it.
00:06:44
Speaker
And so I found myself twiddling my thumbs a lot and actually had the podcast got started.
00:06:49
Speaker
But like that, reading all my different self-help books, it tells you like, what do you love doing in life and how can you make that work?
00:06:56
Speaker
And exactly like you, I went, well, I love food.
00:07:01
Speaker
I love food.
00:07:02
Speaker
food I love food what next I really like the funeral space hmm could I do funeral food like and I literally and I think that's actually how I came across you I went down this rabbit hole of googling you know and I came across funeral potatoes which apparently is an Irish thing but I feel like it's an American Irish thing I've never heard of it in my life I think you did a recipe on it did you
00:07:24
Speaker
Yeah, the Mormon funeral potatoes.
00:07:26
Speaker
Yeah, so I've never heard of that back home.
00:07:28
Speaker
But anyway, we're big into, and actually somebody sent me a thing on TikTok, which I'll send to you, of an Irish comedian talking about Irish food, Irish funerals and food.
00:07:41
Speaker
It's very funny.
00:07:43
Speaker
We always had sandwiches.
00:07:44
Speaker
Sandwiches were just what we did.
00:07:46
Speaker
And there'd always be one woman in the kitchen just dipping out sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches, sandwiches.
00:07:52
Speaker
But it was always around, revolved around food and drink.
00:07:55
Speaker
And so whether that's where it came from.
00:07:57
Speaker
But so I think what you have is brilliant.
00:08:00
Speaker
And look, you know,
00:08:02
Speaker
whether you have it all figured out or it's still a work in progress you know I think it doesn't matter here nor there I think it's brilliant what you do and like the recipes I mean I love watching all your recipes and and I know it's so good and people don't realize as well behind the camera the work it takes to do it like I think you made me laugh where you said um I think you said it made it kind of you know how you tried to record and you failed to record the whole thing you know you tried to record the
00:08:30
Speaker
less and failed to record and I'm like that happens sometimes you do your best thing and you're like god damn it I never pressed record yeah I did that with my bagels I was so mad I like had all this cool stuff and I was like wow people are going to be super into this and then I went to look at it and I was like son of a oh man yeah I think you know listen we have to stop being so hard on ourselves and you know it's it's not easy but what I love about what you do and for your
00:08:58
Speaker
Instagram account and to be honest I don't know are you on many others but Instagram is kind of where I'm at but you bring your you bring grief into it like so you're you're showing these recipes but you bring grief into it what I love Amber is you bring a realness and a rawness like you talk about mental health and I was only just talking on a podcast recently um with another female about this and how
00:09:26
Speaker
and I joked with it at a service this morning with funeral directors there, you know, when people say, how do you do what you do?
00:09:31
Speaker
And I'm like, well, I drink.
00:09:32
Speaker
Now I joke, but I kind of joke.
00:09:36
Speaker
You know, that is something I do to release, but like baking, cooking, that is also something I do to release.
00:09:43
Speaker
Eating, also something I do to release.
00:09:46
Speaker
What I love is that you don't shy away from peeling back that layer for everyone to see.
00:09:53
Speaker
Like, tell me more about that.
00:09:54
Speaker
I mean, that's,
00:09:55
Speaker
That's scary to me.
00:09:56
Speaker
I'm like, good for you.
00:10:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:00
Speaker
I mean, I, I think ultimately the food did become, um, I call it my, my newfound word is I call it like the anxious hands.
00:10:10
Speaker
Um, and I, I found that with dressing bodies too.
00:10:14
Speaker
And I swear this will all fit together.
00:10:16
Speaker
It's kind of what you were saying is, um, these are all releases and it's really important to me to, um, try to provide ways for people to find a release.
00:10:27
Speaker
Um, um,
00:10:28
Speaker
And I don't, I don't know, you said something earlier about like, oh, your parents mean like, you don't have to share everything with everybody.
00:10:34
Speaker
And, and I've also been told that.
00:10:36
Speaker
And I don't know, I just don't really care.
00:10:40
Speaker
I've, I mean, I care.
00:10:42
Speaker
I, I have been sad my entire life.
00:10:46
Speaker
I have been, I remember being really depressed as a child.
00:10:51
Speaker
And I remember having people sort of
00:10:55
Speaker
wield my mental illness against me.
00:10:59
Speaker
And I, I don't know, I think I've just lived with it for so long.
00:11:04
Speaker
And at some point, I, I just stopped caring.
00:11:08
Speaker
I think, I think for me, social media is this really, really wonderful place for me to, um,
00:11:18
Speaker
to forget that there are other people and I give myself the freedom to just be me.
Understanding Grief and Complex Emotions
00:11:25
Speaker
And I, um, and I, I've had so many people just,
00:11:31
Speaker
I've had so much positive feedback from people.
00:11:34
Speaker
And I really do believe that, you know, if there are like a thousand people online that are like, it's really inappropriate that you talk about your mental health and it makes me uncomfortable.
00:11:43
Speaker
But there are 10 people that are like, thank you so much.
00:11:45
Speaker
Like, I care so much about those 10 people.
00:11:48
Speaker
If there are other people that don't have to suffer or feel bad, if like whatever it is about my like totally bananas inability to censor myself, like I think that maybe this is a gift that life or my brain gave me.
00:12:08
Speaker
And if I can help other people feel better or if I can make life easier for them, then I
00:12:14
Speaker
then like that, that makes all of my suffering feel okay.
00:12:18
Speaker
And I think that everything for me is about like, well, this is it and there's nothing I can do.
00:12:23
Speaker
And I take Zoloft now.
00:12:24
Speaker
I'll put that out there.
00:12:25
Speaker
I'm on antidepressants and I love it.
00:12:27
Speaker
It's the best decision I ever made.
00:12:29
Speaker
So on this topic, if there are people that are thinking about taking antidepressants and you think that it will numb you or make you less of yourself, it's only made me a better version of me.
00:12:41
Speaker
I joke around that I'm like, man, I have like a total...
00:12:45
Speaker
This is too dark of a joke, but I'll say I'm like, I have like a serial killer pulse now.
00:12:49
Speaker
Like I can just like, I don't physically react to things anymore in the way that I used to.
00:12:54
Speaker
Like if someone online was like, you suck and I hate your content.
00:12:59
Speaker
I'd be like, Oh my gosh.
00:13:03
Speaker
Well, why?
00:13:04
Speaker
And now I'm just like, all right.
00:13:06
Speaker
Sorry.
00:13:07
Speaker
You know, like if other people, yeah.
00:13:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:10
Speaker
Because there is, like there are people out there suffering.
00:13:14
Speaker
And so, and I do, you know, you and the modern mortician and, you know, there's a few of you guys who are sort of quote unquote death influencers, which I do love, that's a term.
00:13:30
Speaker
But it is important, I think, as well for you guys.
00:13:33
Speaker
And she addresses it too, you know, Melissa.
00:13:37
Speaker
I think it's super important because you guys have so many followers.
00:13:39
Speaker
And for whatever reason, they're following you.
00:13:41
Speaker
Maybe it's the cooking.
00:13:42
Speaker
Maybe it's the funeral aspect.
00:13:44
Speaker
Maybe they're friends with you.
00:13:46
Speaker
Maybe, you know, as we all know, funeral and death, it does attract gothics, you know, people or attract them people with dark thoughts.
00:13:57
Speaker
It attracts a lot of sort of
00:14:00
Speaker
the darker element and whether that's in a good or a bad way and whatever is your, as I say, whatever's your business is your business.
00:14:06
Speaker
I, you know, whatever you like to do and your, whatever you want to do, but I think it's really important.
00:14:11
Speaker
You know, you guys have this platform and all these people following you.
00:14:15
Speaker
And as you said, if you can reach 10 people in the 10,000 that follow or whatever it is, that's huge.
00:14:23
Speaker
I mean, even in my services, like I said it today, you know,
00:14:27
Speaker
you know, some gentleman got up and he sort of said, you know, I didn't speak to the deceased in sort of 15 years.
00:14:32
Speaker
And when I got up after, I said, it doesn't matter whether you spoke 15 years ago, 15 minutes before he died or 50 years ago.
00:14:39
Speaker
What matters is that you made an, he made an impact on your life and you made an impact on his and for the positive, you know, and that's why they were there.
00:14:47
Speaker
Like every single one of us makes an impact.
00:14:50
Speaker
Like my, you know,
00:14:51
Speaker
the mailman that I might take my mail from, the person I just walk past on the street, everyone has an image of us in our brain, you know?
00:14:59
Speaker
And so whether you impact for good or bad, and sometimes when I'm hungry, usually I'll be snarky with somebody.
00:15:05
Speaker
I might be like, Oh, for God's sake, can you hurry up with my Starbucks or whatever it might be?
00:15:09
Speaker
And I walk away and I'm like,
00:15:11
Speaker
Didn't need to be snarky, Jen.
00:15:13
Speaker
You didn't need to be snarky because now that person might have been having a bad day and then they're like, oh, snarky bitch.
00:15:19
Speaker
Whatever it might be.
00:15:20
Speaker
So listen, we're not all going to go around with roses and peonies and all daisies and great.
00:15:25
Speaker
But I think it's my point is my very roundabout point is I think it's really important.
00:15:30
Speaker
that you are so open and honest.
00:15:33
Speaker
And while my parents, you know, bless them, try to keep me from mouthing off too much, like you, I just, I don't really, I don't have anything to hide.
00:15:43
Speaker
I don't, I am who I am.
00:15:44
Speaker
I don't lie.
00:15:46
Speaker
Honesty and transparency are what I believe and we all struggle.
00:15:50
Speaker
And, you know, sometimes life is shit.
00:15:53
Speaker
It's shit.
00:15:57
Speaker
Whatever you see on Instagram, whatever you see online, that person is,
00:16:00
Speaker
has shitty times in their life.
00:16:03
Speaker
It doesn't matter who the freaking hell they are.
00:16:05
Speaker
So.
00:16:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:08
Speaker
And I think that, um, I believe that the transparency and the honesty, it, it's, it is a much needed sort of medicine for people.
00:16:17
Speaker
I think, and maybe you see this too.
00:16:21
Speaker
I it's, um, again, I'm like, how do I say, uh, it's, it's like, you see a condensed form of it when you work in death, you, you work with us so much that, um,
00:16:33
Speaker
you know how people are probably feeling, but this is their first death.
00:16:37
Speaker
So for them, it's very confusing.
00:16:38
Speaker
So it's sort of like being a psychologist, right?
00:16:40
Speaker
You're, you're talking to someone and they're trying to explore all of these feelings, but, but you know, because you're like, ah, yeah, like you're sort of checking off all these boxes of what this, this feeling is, and this is, this is what
Personalized Funerals and Avoiding Judgment
00:16:53
Speaker
it is.
00:16:53
Speaker
And so you're sort of in this position of not like power, but like, um, cause not like an oppressive power.
00:17:02
Speaker
But you have the ability to give people permission to feel, you know, because they're really confused.
00:17:11
Speaker
They're like, like one of the first things that I say to people when someone dies, when they've experienced the death is I'll say, if you were feeling angry right now,
00:17:21
Speaker
if you're feeling relief, if you were glad that they are gone, that's okay.
00:17:26
Speaker
Like I just go, I go straight for like all those negative emotions.
00:17:28
Speaker
Cause I know, I know you're feeling it.
00:17:30
Speaker
I it's like, I, there's a nine out of 10 chance that you're probably feeling it.
00:17:34
Speaker
Cause like a lot, I mean, like, look, there's obviously unexpected deaths, but I, you know, God willing, most of us are supposed to say, God willing, we just suffer in our bed for months before we die.
00:17:47
Speaker
That's not how I want to go.
00:17:48
Speaker
But like my grandpa had, I have a lisp, so I can't say Alzheimer's.
00:17:52
Speaker
My husband makes fun of me.
00:17:54
Speaker
Also the Alzheimer's disease.
00:17:56
Speaker
And when he died, it was kind of a relief because he was just trapped in his body.
00:18:01
Speaker
He was staring at the ceiling.
00:18:03
Speaker
Couldn't eat, couldn't drink.
00:18:04
Speaker
A nurse was just putting a sponge on his tongue.
00:18:07
Speaker
And to be able to tell people who are feeling like so much emotion, if you're able to just go, hey, if you feel really angry or if you feel happy right now that he's gone, it's okay.
00:18:17
Speaker
And there...
00:18:19
Speaker
that that release of that tension that we hold inside of us i believe that that goes into uh how we are in everyday life when we are a little brisk with the starbucks person or when we choose to not let someone in traffic you know when we're feeling road rage like all of that is connected like everything the way that i see the world is just everything is like this like there's nothing yeah completely i mean i could not agree with you more it's
00:18:45
Speaker
to be honest, it's sort of how I almost came about what I started to do 15 years ago in Ireland, which was, you know, it doesn't have to be in a church.
00:18:56
Speaker
Like I might've been raised Catholic, but that doesn't define who I am from start to finish.
00:19:02
Speaker
Like, yeah, do I want some Catholic prayers at my funeral?
00:19:04
Speaker
Yeah, but I want my funeral to be in like
00:19:07
Speaker
a cool venue with great music and great food.
00:19:12
Speaker
You know, I want it to be something I would want to have gone to.
00:19:16
Speaker
And I find with a lot of my families, it's not having it in a funeral chapel and not having it in church grants them without even saying a word, grants them permission to grieve whatever way that suits them.
00:19:30
Speaker
So whether it's screaming, crying, laughing, joking,
00:19:35
Speaker
you know, making inappropriate things, jokes, things.
00:19:39
Speaker
I've seen it all.
00:19:40
Speaker
And I just think it's so important because we're all completely individual.
00:19:43
Speaker
And like exactly what you said about so many people, especially when we come to
00:19:51
Speaker
parents and when they've kind of gone to a certain age and cancer riddled or whatever it might be it's a it is a relief and it's again it kind of comes down to just stop stop judging each other and stop judging yourself just because you feel relief because mom is gone doesn't mean you don't miss her in the exact same strength you can miss somebody and hate them you can love somebody with every fiber of your being and still hate them like you
00:20:18
Speaker
you if that's and that often happens with suicide as well it's like you hate them for having left you and just completely so you think it's selfish and you go down that road and but you love them with every fiber of your being it's we're complex human beings it's yeah
00:20:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:39
Speaker
And people always want to place things into binary oppositions.
00:20:43
Speaker
You know, they're like, well, I'm either sad or I'm happy or I'm angry or I'm in love.
00:20:49
Speaker
And, and it's like, no, it is complex.
00:20:52
Speaker
My, my cousin died by suicide when I think he was 17 and I was about 15.
00:21:00
Speaker
And, and I, I like want to write about it at some point.
00:21:05
Speaker
I'm, I'm,
00:21:06
Speaker
And it's not that it's hard to write.
00:21:08
Speaker
I don't, it's like, I always have so much stuff that I want to sit and write about.
00:21:11
Speaker
And I sort of just let whatever I feel like writing about that day take over.
00:21:14
Speaker
But I, when I closed my eyes, I can remember my aunts, you know, just going, it was so selfish.
00:21:21
Speaker
It was so selfish of him to leave.
00:21:23
Speaker
It was so selfish of him to do that.
00:21:25
Speaker
And I remember thinking like,
00:21:28
Speaker
Well, if he was sad, then why did we want to keep him?
00:21:31
Speaker
You know, why, why should he have to stay if he doesn't want to be here, if we're all going to die?
00:21:36
Speaker
And, but then I, I, it is, I think about him all the time, you know, at Hanukkah, I was talking to my, to my aunt and we were talking about Jimmy and, and, you
00:21:49
Speaker
every single day you just wonder like, who would he be today?
00:21:52
Speaker
Like if he had been on the right meds, would he still be here?
00:21:55
Speaker
Which, you know, again, when we were talking earlier about like, why do I just talk about what I talk about with very little disregard sometimes?
00:22:04
Speaker
I think that it's, it's like, well, my, my cousin died by suicide when I was 15 and I, we were very close when we were kids and he was a little weird and I'm a little weird.
00:22:14
Speaker
And, um, but,
00:22:17
Speaker
Yeah, aren't we all?
00:22:20
Speaker
And what if someone had just said, like, what if someone had just said, like, it's totally fine if you feel the way you feel?
00:22:27
Speaker
Like, it's okay.
00:22:28
Speaker
Like, oh, do you feel sad?
00:22:29
Speaker
Do you want to, like, sometimes I'll be talking to people, I'll be like, you ever, you ever in your car, you just want to, like, let go of the steering wheel?
00:22:37
Speaker
And people will be like, no.
00:22:38
Speaker
I'm like, oh, okay.
00:22:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:41
Speaker
And I'm like, I know they're lying.
00:22:43
Speaker
I know you do.
00:22:44
Speaker
Hey, man, if you do, it's totally fine.
00:22:46
Speaker
But what if just like, what if finding that middle ground like saves somebody's life?
00:22:53
Speaker
Like what if somebody is...
00:22:55
Speaker
you know, you, you just feel so sad and alone.
00:22:57
Speaker
You're like, well, nobody else feels this way.
00:22:59
Speaker
And it's like, no, like I do, like I feel this way.
00:23:02
Speaker
And if that keeps them here anyways, things are very true.
00:23:05
Speaker
And it's, it's very hard for us as a community as well to try and reach people or to, you know, because sometimes I think we do take the onus on ourselves that we have to kind of fix the situation and we, and it's, it's physically impossible for us to do it.
00:23:21
Speaker
We can do what we can.
00:23:22
Speaker
I mean,
00:23:23
Speaker
I'm just as you were speaking there I was remembering to a service I was doing of a young man and he left behind a young daughter and she did not want to come into the service and I was celebrant for the service and I was in the room and her mom popped her into the room with me and she wanted to talk to her friends she did not want to come into the service and I said look
00:23:44
Speaker
You know, and again, you kind of have to weigh up that am I overstepping or what's right or wrong or whatever.
00:23:50
Speaker
But I just turned around to her and I said, listen, this is absolutely fucking shite what's happened to you.
00:23:55
Speaker
And she just looked at me like an adult cursing.
00:23:58
Speaker
And I said, it is.
00:23:59
Speaker
I said, I'm really...
00:24:01
Speaker
this is just shit.
00:24:02
Speaker
I didn't even say I'm really sad or I'm really sorry because I hate that I'm sorry for loss personally.
00:24:08
Speaker
And I just said, look, talk to your friend, do whatever you need to do in this moment.
00:24:13
Speaker
I said, if you want me to record the service so you can at least listen to it at a later date or if you want the words we say because you don't want to be in the room.
00:24:20
Speaker
I said, whatever.
00:24:22
Speaker
if you want any part of this, I'm happy to help.
00:24:25
Speaker
But I said, you have to do, you have to look after yourself, your mom.
00:24:28
Speaker
I know she wants the best for you, whatever.
00:24:30
Speaker
And that was it.
00:24:31
Speaker
Like I didn't kind of not, you know, I'm not a counselor.
00:24:33
Speaker
I'm not a therapist.
00:24:34
Speaker
I'm not going to, sometimes like these kids, they, they do, they just, they need mom to kind of stop being mom for a hot second and be devastated that her lover is gone or
Amber's Personal and Professional Evolution
00:24:45
Speaker
whatever it is.
00:24:45
Speaker
And
00:24:47
Speaker
you know not everybody wants to like everyone is everyone back home in ireland if there's a funeral i have to go back home to like a family funeral everyone assumes i want to go in and see the dead body because of what i do and i'm like no i don't want to see anybody i don't because for me it's like i want to remember them laughing and that's my choice so back
00:25:06
Speaker
back it up there, Auntie Karen.
00:25:09
Speaker
Exactly as you said, like finding that middle ground and just letting people make their own choices and their own decisions.
00:25:17
Speaker
If direct cremation with no service, nothing whatsoever is what they want to have, you know, then that's what they want to have.
00:25:24
Speaker
I mean,
00:25:25
Speaker
you think a funeral service or a memorial or some sort of something is cathartic i do but it's not my business to tell you what to do you know and i just think the sooner we all start minding our businesses other people it's a lot yeah it's a lot yeah i always say um or uh you shouldn't you shouldn't should people you know there's no you should not
00:25:52
Speaker
shouldn't all over people don't know should you don't have to say well you should have this funeral you should see the body it's like you should just do whatever you want to do you could do that you could do all of the evolves so now you work in a funeral home i did i so i actually make here now uh yes which plays into earlier when we're talking about like oh if there's
00:26:19
Speaker
something that you can't say or don't want to say, or we need to like not talk about.
00:26:23
Speaker
It's a part of the reason that I'm like, I can say whatever I want.
00:26:26
Speaker
Um, it's because I chose not to go back into the funeral service for sort of that specific reason is I can do a lot more good now.
00:26:36
Speaker
Um, because like on topics of my mental health, I worked for forest lawn and I had, uh, so I, uh,
00:26:46
Speaker
had disordered eating, which probably is also why I'm so super obsessed with food now, because I've struggled for a really long time with my relationship with food.
00:26:54
Speaker
And I had that used against me when I worked there, it became this thing where I was like, like, I had this mental illness, and I was a bad person, because I had admitted that to having a prior eating disorder, by the way, like wasn't even like, yeah, I have an eating disorder right now, and I'm suffering.
00:27:13
Speaker
It was like,
00:27:14
Speaker
was one of those like mean girl moments, like, have you seen girls, you know, and they're like, yes.
00:27:19
Speaker
Okay.
00:27:19
Speaker
So it's like all the girls are in front of the mirror and they're like, Oh, my pores are so big.
00:27:24
Speaker
And they're like my nose.
00:27:25
Speaker
And then they're like my armpits.
00:27:26
Speaker
And so these girls were like saying all these things.
00:27:28
Speaker
And I was like, Oh, I think I'm supposed to bond with these women.
00:27:31
Speaker
And I was like, Oh, well, I used to have like an eating disorder.
00:27:36
Speaker
Um, and then that became a thing where it turned into me being, um,
00:27:41
Speaker
like a body shamer.
00:27:42
Speaker
Like all of a sudden it was like, Amber's a really bad person and she thinks that we're all like gross and she doesn't like us and she thinks she's better than us.
00:27:49
Speaker
And so like,
00:27:51
Speaker
I, again, probably like, why am I so free?
00:27:54
Speaker
Like, why do I feel so free?
00:27:55
Speaker
Because it's almost like I'm just like, I'm going to own this, like, I'm going to own whatever it is about myself, like, I'm in charge of my narrative.
00:28:02
Speaker
And I'm certainly not going to let anybody do this to anybody else ever again, because it was like, those girls, you know, I hesitate to say everything happens for a reason, because I am very happy with my life now.
00:28:15
Speaker
But
00:28:16
Speaker
I went to school to be an embalmer and I lasted four months at forest lawn because I ended up coming in every single day throwing up, um, because the girls were like super mean to me and they stopped taking their lunch with me and like isolated me.
00:28:29
Speaker
And, uh, and that now I'm not an embalmer anymore.
00:28:33
Speaker
And, um, if you work at forest lawn, you definitely can't be on podcasts and talk about this stuff.
00:28:38
Speaker
I would be in so much trouble for saying anything like immediately.
00:28:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:42
Speaker
So, um, and then I ran undertaking LA, um,
00:28:46
Speaker
which, yeah, which was a, I don't know if you know about that.
00:28:50
Speaker
I don't expect people to know anything about me.
00:28:52
Speaker
I know of Caitlin, and I don't know a whole lot about her.
00:28:56
Speaker
I did read one of her books, I think.
00:28:59
Speaker
And it's funny because her name in Ireland, we just say Caitlin Doherty, but she's, it's something doe.
00:29:05
Speaker
I don't know.
00:29:06
Speaker
I don't know.
00:29:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:09
Speaker
Doty.
00:29:09
Speaker
That's mad.
00:29:11
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:13
Speaker
No, I, yeah.
00:29:14
Speaker
I saw the photo on Instagram.
00:29:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:19
Speaker
So I did that for four or five years.
00:29:25
Speaker
And that's when I really got to help people, you know, dress the dead and wash the dead.
00:29:30
Speaker
And I got to have all of those really intimate moments with people that I wanted to
00:29:35
Speaker
And then after that ended, I just certainly couldn't go to a corporate home after having the freedom to not have anyone breathing down my neck about how much time I was spending with the family.
Pandemic: A Time for Personal Growth and New Ventures
00:29:46
Speaker
And then COVID happened.
00:29:49
Speaker
So that was like COVID basically happened right after that.
00:29:51
Speaker
For a reason?
00:29:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:56
Speaker
um she wanted to sell the bits because caitlin basically wasn't like her books were doing so well she just basically was never there like she started the funeral home thinking that she would be able to be there and then her books took off and she was just like on the tour constantly i was still doing that i didn't even know i don't know
00:30:16
Speaker
No, I don't think she is.
00:30:18
Speaker
I know she just moved to the East Coast.
00:30:20
Speaker
But yeah, so she sold it, sold the funeral home, and I didn't have any ownership in it.
00:30:25
Speaker
And then we just sort of like parted ways and were sort of thinking about like what I wanted to do from there.
00:30:34
Speaker
And yeah, I just...
00:30:37
Speaker
I, COVID changed so much for me, like for everybody when they're like COVID was like the worst year for them.
00:30:43
Speaker
COVID was like the best year of my life.
00:30:45
Speaker
It was because I didn't have a job and I was on unemployment because of the way that things worked out.
00:30:52
Speaker
So I got to cook all the time.
00:30:53
Speaker
Like I immediately made the best use of it.
00:30:56
Speaker
I was like, okay, this is temporary.
00:30:58
Speaker
I don't know how long this is going to go on for, but I do believe that things will get better.
00:31:02
Speaker
And I'm going to either be really happy that I spent all of this time reading and researching and just pushing through, or I'm going to be really bummed that I squandered this year.
00:31:11
Speaker
So I woke up every single day and I cooked and I read books and I just like, I downloaded information.
00:31:18
Speaker
Like I was in the matrix.
00:31:19
Speaker
Kind of similar.
00:31:21
Speaker
I made the most of it.
00:31:22
Speaker
I was like, well.
00:31:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:26
Speaker
I used it.
00:31:27
Speaker
I was like, this is, I have to think of this as a gift.
00:31:29
Speaker
Like it was like, I was like, hold on.
00:31:31
Speaker
I'm experienced with this kind of depression.
00:31:34
Speaker
Like it will get better.
00:31:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:36
Speaker
And then I, after that, I was like, okay, like, we'll,
00:31:40
Speaker
life is opening back up.
00:31:41
Speaker
What do I want to do?
00:31:42
Speaker
And my partner and I talked a lot about it and he didn't want me to be around people because of COVID.
00:31:49
Speaker
Cause I live in LA and COVID was just rampant here.
00:31:52
Speaker
So I always wanted to learn how to make beer and it made sense because it,
00:31:57
Speaker
It coincides with cooking.
00:31:58
Speaker
I feel like I'm a master of yeast now and I love baking and cooking and it's really helped so much with my baking.
00:32:08
Speaker
And I also like to drink.
00:32:09
Speaker
So it was a real twofer there.
00:32:14
Speaker
And I think I posted about this before, but in Ireland, the bartenders, like, like, I, and maybe you can solidify the actual history, but I read it in like the Irish times that like, bars used to kind of become funeral homes, because during the famine, there were too many bodies and who can keep things cold.
00:32:35
Speaker
So bodies started going into the bars.
00:32:36
Speaker
And I was like, you know, I felt it.
00:32:39
Speaker
I felt that there was this real, because like, I'm very Irish.
00:32:43
Speaker
I mean, I'm very American, but my DNA says 98% Irish, just county court.
00:32:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:50
Speaker
So I kind of feel like I was just destined to be a bartender, funeral director, beer maker, dead
Historical Context and Future Plans in Funeral Work
00:32:55
Speaker
body.
00:32:55
Speaker
Well, let me tell you a little bit of history or something to do with me.
00:33:00
Speaker
So how I knew I was destined when I looked back at my turn into the funeral space,
00:33:07
Speaker
and I was a wedding planner but two friends of mine passed away like that was the that was the actual pivotal moment but when I looked back at my sort of childhood and history when I was 15 years of age I worked in a bar called The Morgue.
00:33:21
Speaker
The reason why I was called The Morgue is because it was a bar in quite a busy small little town I wouldn't even call it a town but
00:33:30
Speaker
basically people would guide, mostly men, would come in, get absolutely rat-arse drunk, go out, and there was a railroad just in front.
00:33:37
Speaker
They'd fall on the tracks, get run over, and so they'd drag everybody back in and stick it in the cooler.
00:33:44
Speaker
And so that was the history I was told.
00:33:47
Speaker
And so, yeah, you were not wrong.
00:33:49
Speaker
And typically, you know,
00:33:52
Speaker
I don't think it, I don't know of one that exists still to this day, but yeah, they'd be the postman.
00:33:59
Speaker
They'd like be the male and they'd be the funeral home and they'd be a bar.
00:34:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:08
Speaker
I, funeral directors really have that history of being, they were just regular people.
00:34:12
Speaker
I mean, here in the U S they were, they were like the carpenters.
00:34:16
Speaker
Um, maybe they, they were, uh, um,
00:34:20
Speaker
how do you say, I was going to say hearse, but like emergency, like drive EMTs, like, so that car, like the old, like the old school car was like a double.
00:34:29
Speaker
It was like, maybe we take you to the hospital.
00:34:31
Speaker
Maybe we take you to the morgue.
00:34:32
Speaker
If we're a little shady, we're going to take you to the morgue and take those body parts out, you know, like, but yeah, like a lot of like funeral directing really is a second career.
00:34:42
Speaker
It's not, and I kind of,
00:34:44
Speaker
in the way that I think that death belongs to everybody really do like to press upon that, that it's like, well, we're all funeral directors.
00:34:52
Speaker
We all have something that contributes to it.
00:34:54
Speaker
Um, and you know, it's, it's sort of coincides with other things and that's a good way to make sure that, you know, you're not completely reliant on, um,
00:35:02
Speaker
people dying to make all your money.
00:35:04
Speaker
That's for sure.
00:35:05
Speaker
Tell us this as we wrap up.
00:35:07
Speaker
What is the future for like Ramber?
00:35:11
Speaker
Like what's, is there anything in the pipeline?
00:35:12
Speaker
Are you working with any companies or have you got any fingers in any flies that you want to tell us about?
00:35:20
Speaker
Yeah, so I'm working on, I'm writing now.
00:35:25
Speaker
I've always wanted to write.
00:35:26
Speaker
So I started a little baby magazine called Better Funeral Homes and Memorial Gardens, which is a play on better homes and gardens.
00:35:36
Speaker
And it's basically now I'm just writing all of my material and putting it into little issues because it makes, everything that I talk about makes more sense when it's in context.
00:35:45
Speaker
So like the first issue that I released is called, it's like, Let's Play Doh.
00:35:50
Speaker
And it's about grief and art therapy and how we give Play-Doh to little kids because, again, working with the anxious hands, working with your hands and creating things allows you to process your grief.
00:36:02
Speaker
And so how do we apply that to cooking?
00:36:04
Speaker
And so I give you three or four recipes.
00:36:07
Speaker
It's like challah, bagels, donuts, and talking about the applications of Play-Doh therapy with actual dough.
00:36:17
Speaker
And, and then I'm working on a Golden Girls episode because I'm just sort of obsessed with the Golden Girls.
00:36:23
Speaker
And that has some fun recipes from the Golden Girls, but then it talks about aging in place.
00:36:29
Speaker
So it's like eight tips for how to age in place, aging in grief.
00:36:32
Speaker
So
00:36:33
Speaker
Each issue is basically like the very first question is like, how does food and grief fit together?
00:36:39
Speaker
Each issue is sort of builds on like, here are the recipes, here's the application.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:36:45
Speaker
And then I try to make it fun and entertaining so that it's not just.
00:36:48
Speaker
Very cool.
00:36:49
Speaker
I'd love to sign up to your newsletter.
00:36:50
Speaker
That's the first time.
00:36:52
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:36:52
Speaker
I miss it.
00:36:53
Speaker
Okay.
00:36:55
Speaker
We will get you to give us the link if you haven't already.
00:36:59
Speaker
And we'll put it in the podcast and in the YouTube so that people can sign up because I'm certainly going to sign up straight after.
00:37:05
Speaker
I love food and I work in the funeral space.
00:37:08
Speaker
So it's like a perfect magazine for me.
00:37:12
Speaker
It's great.
00:37:12
Speaker
I actually feel really excited about it.
00:37:14
Speaker
I got a really great program that makes like really gorgeous looking magazines.
00:37:17
Speaker
I have like right next to me is my copy of Bon Appetit and Veg News.
00:37:21
Speaker
I obsessively read magazines.
00:37:24
Speaker
Well, it was an absolute pleasure talking to you, Amber.
00:37:27
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us.
00:37:30
Speaker
We did hit on some, you know, topics there that I think a lot of people will be able to relate to.
00:37:35
Speaker
So
00:37:35
Speaker
If they want to reach out, they can reach out to us and we will add all your links down below as well.
00:37:41
Speaker
And so that they can reach out to you directly as well if they want to.
00:37:44
Speaker
Thank you.
00:37:55
Speaker
So that was another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:37:59
Speaker
Definitely a lot of topics covered there.
00:38:02
Speaker
Please do reach out to us, glamreaperpodcast at gmail.com.
00:38:06
Speaker
If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns, would like to reach out to Amber directly, we can provide you with her information.
00:38:15
Speaker
um and yeah we're here to help uh on any of the topics we talked about today so definitely reach out to us and if you enjoyed today's episode or there's a guest that you would like to hear um or have us interview on the glam reaper then please do let us know that as well and we'll talk to you soon
00:38:46
Speaker
Thank you.