00:00:00
00:00:01
4 - "But We're Not Religious!"
62 Plays1 year ago
"But Rabbi, we're not religious! Do we have any business planning a Jewish wedding ceremony?"
Yep. For SURE. (What, you thought I'd be unbiased?)
In this episode, we'll dive into common reasons that non-religious/spiritual couples give for why they can't/shouldn't have a Jewish ceremony.
- Not believing in Gd
- Lack of Jewish knowledge, especially about Jewish weddings
- Feeling weird about Hebrew
- Not wanting to disrespect the future spouse's religion/family
- Feeling like an outsider to Judaism
- Really, super duper NOT believing in Gd.
Yep. We're tackling it all.
Anita Diamant's book mentioned in the show:
https://anitadiamant.com/books/the-jewish-wedding-now/
Don't forget - you can reach me any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com. Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding.
IG: @yourohiorabbi
Send questions for me to answer on this podcast to:
Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
Transcript
Introduction to 'Your Jewish Wedding'
00:00:03
Speaker
Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding? Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:00:14
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay. Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian. Here, I can be everyone's rabbi, yours too.
Significance of Traditions
00:00:35
Speaker
My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
00:00:59
Speaker
Oh, there's nothing like that Mazel Tov when the glass smashes is there. I hope that if you're listening to this and you're even considering planning a Jewish wedding, that sound of the glass breaking in the Mazel Tov got you excited, at least for that little part. Okay. Today we're going to talk about whether or not someone wants to have a Jewish wedding when they are very intensely or even just sort of passively not religious.
Non-Religious Jewish Weddings
00:01:28
Speaker
I hear this a lot from people, rebellion, I'm not religious. So maybe I don't even believe in organized religion, whatever that means. So we're not going to have a Jewish wedding. It feels fake. I don't really like the idea of doing that. Having a wedding based on a faith and beliefs that I just don't believe in.
00:01:57
Speaker
all kidding aside, I hear you. Okay. You know what? That's fine. If you are not religious and you are just, I can't even picture myself even beginning to have any semblance of a Jewish wedding. That's okay. No, no judgment here. No, no hate here. But I will tell you, I do. Of course I have an agenda. Like who are you listening to? I'm a rabbi. I'm on the, your Jewish wedding podcast.
00:02:27
Speaker
Nobody really expects me to be neutral about it. Right. So spoiler alert, there's going to be like, I'm going to end this podcast. Yes. In favor. I think you should at least consider a Jewish wedding, even if you don't consider yourself religious. Um, I wouldn't even have this podcast guys. If I didn't think it was worthwhile, not only to have a Jewish wedding, but also to help everybody learn about it. Right.
00:02:52
Speaker
So I'm just here to say a couple things and I want to get this just out there as quickly as possible. Okay. In terms of the Jews and in terms of rabbis that you will ask to officiate your wedding. Almost 100% of the time, nobody cares if you don't believe in God. Nobody cares if you don't go to synagogue. I promise you.
00:03:21
Speaker
I can't tell you how many times I have sat down with a new couple and I've asked them about their upbringing, their Jewish experience, their outlook on Jewish stuff. And they tell me in such a sad voice, and sometimes it breaks my heart, but with a little shame. Well, I haven't been a synagogue since my bar mitzvah or well, we didn't really grow up with a lot of that and I can't even read Hebrew.
00:03:51
Speaker
And I feel like they're, I just have this feeling. Like they're waiting for me to say, Oh gosh, well you don't get a Jewish wedding then. Like there's some secret checklist of stuff that Jews have to do in order to one day deserve a Jewish wedding when it's time for them to get married. No. Okay. You're still Jewish. If you are Jewish, I'm going to say this about 30 times in this episode, probably. If you are a Jew who's getting married,
00:04:21
Speaker
in at least one very real sense, you are already part of a Jewish wedding because there's a Jew in it. I don't know if I can be much clearer about this, guys, but that's sort of, that's, that's that. You know, if you want to hop on a call with me or if you want to meet me for coffee and talk to me about whether or not you believe in God or
00:04:47
Speaker
I don't know how you think organized religion is terrible and you think religion is the root of all war and evil. Like that's fine. We can have coffee and we can talk about that. And I'm not going to argue with you. I actually have pretty chill vibes around the whole belief thing, belief in God specifically, nothing about our little conversation, your event session about
00:05:14
Speaker
how atheist you are over coffee is going to change the fact that you're Jewish. So I know that, by the way, I said, according to one definition of Jewish weddings, I know that a lot of you are going to be in here listening to me saying, Rabbi Land, it's only a Jewish wedding of both people in the wedding are Jews. I understand.
Judaism as an Ethno-Religion
00:05:35
Speaker
That's true in one very specific context, but not all contexts. And if the Jewish people are anything, we are a people of context.
00:05:45
Speaker
We are people of nuance. We explore issues from all angles. Okay. So we'll just go forward with my overarching philosophy that if a Jewish person is getting married, not wedding is a Jewish wedding, sort of like by default. Okay. So as I said, we're a people of nuance. We're people who approaches the way we live our lives. According to historical context,
00:06:11
Speaker
wherever we happen to move, what's going on there, what we need to do to survive. Judaism is a religion. Yes. So you're not a religious person. Judaism is a religion, but a lot of people argue, this is absolutely, by the way, not my area of expertise. Judaism is an ethno-religion. What does that mean? So yes, it is a religion, which means that it has a basic set of shared beliefs, right? Monotheism,
00:06:41
Speaker
God has no body. God gave us the Torah. God brought us out of the land of Egypt and wanted us to be a people distinct from other peoples of the world. I'd say that's probably, rabbis, if you're listening, that's probably a pretty good, concise description of shared theological beliefs in God, whatever. But you'll notice what I said there, I said that
00:07:08
Speaker
some of the beliefs of God are based on events, right? Or based on stories of events. No matter how accurate, it's like reporting on events. No matter how accurate that reporting is, right, we're talking about a God who gave us the Torah, a God who brought us out of the land of Egypt. So even if, now stick with me guys,
00:07:32
Speaker
Even if you are not religious, you don't feel like you believe in God. You feel actually it's terrible, disingenuous to believe in God and you don't want to be caught doing it. The core of that belief is still the event. And because Judaism is passed down through family lines, there is also a communal belief
00:08:00
Speaker
that all of us took part in those events. Whether it's via being descendants of those people who experienced those things or by reincarnation, it's a whole thing, trust me. Maybe we'll talk about that in another episode. But the religion is also based on history. Okay?
00:08:24
Speaker
And then those people who experienced the history, it was very important to them to remain a distinct people. And so what we have now is religious beliefs, shared history, and genetic designation of who is Jewish all scrambled up together, and they all feed each other, right? Because the longer you live together and continue to keep the people together through only marrying other Jews, the more stuff happens to you, and then the more history you have, and then the more people add faith into it, and on and on and on.
00:08:55
Speaker
So that's an ethno-religion, and most people consider Judaism an ethno-religion.
Influence of Societal Practices
00:09:00
Speaker
Another way you can tell is it's very hard to become Jewish and not in some way assimilate into the practices of the Jewish community through which you convert it. So it's not a religion that is typically almost never is it expressed through belief alone. It's also expressed through what you do.
00:09:27
Speaker
It's still your history, basically. If you're a Jewish person, if you're of Jewish descent, it's still your history, which is still part of the tribe, part of the people. This also means that all of the customs that we have, literally all of the customs that we have, came as a result of the customs of the people.
00:09:50
Speaker
A lot of those customs come from the way other people in society surrounding them were doing things. And a lot of the customs, particularly of a Jewish wedding ceremony, they actually have 0.0% basis on any religious belief, on any belief in God. Yes, you will read things online about
00:10:17
Speaker
the meaning of breaking the glass, having something to do with God, or the meaning of the circling, having something to do with God. But a lot of that stuff, guys, is later spiritual embellishment from Jews who were seeking that. In other words, there was a Jewish custom that existed within weddings, and only later did Jewish people seek to explain that in a religious way.
00:10:46
Speaker
So all of this is complicated. You really can't, if you have any integrity and you want to educate yourself about Jewish customs and specifically Jewish wedding customs. If you have any integrity, you cannot call those customs religious. At least not purely religious because doing those things, nobody in the community equates that with a belief.
00:11:15
Speaker
that the person does. Let's take a non-wedding example, keeping kosher. There are all kinds of reasons that people keep kosher in the Jewish community. One is obviously a religious reason. Some people believe that in the Torah it says, don't eat pork, so you just don't eat pork. And that's the entire reason and that's why.
00:11:40
Speaker
But there are so, so many people who keep kosher because they want to keep a kosher house in order so that other Jews can come to eat at their house. Or they keep a kosher house because they want their children to grow up keeping kosher when they didn't. Or it's a promise they made to their ancestors. Or they want to honor
00:12:05
Speaker
people, Jews from the past who died because keeping kosher was important to them. And that ended up being the source of their persecution or their downfall. So you can see how only one of those reasons I listed is religious. It has anything to do with God. So all of this actually applies to Jewish wedding ceremony also.
00:12:32
Speaker
Now that we have that out of the way, do I sound really mean? Like, do I sound terrible for saying nobody cares what you believe? I mean, it's not that nobody cares. It's just that what you believe doesn't really affect whether or not a rabbi will officiate your Jewish wedding. We're just happy that Jewish people are getting married and that they've engaged with the Jewish community and asked for some involvement. Because like I said, it's just as much about community, peoplehood, culture, traditions, as it is about what anyone believes.
00:13:02
Speaker
Let's talk about some reasons why I hear people at least implicitly, if not explicitly telling me, I just don't, I have no interest in having a Jewish wedding. Okay. Number one, there is self-hating Jew. All right.
00:13:23
Speaker
If you hate Jewish stuff that much, and by hate, I mean, you're embarrassed about being Jewish or you think doing Jewish stuff is just, it goes against every bone in your body. You don't like it. You don't feel comfortable. You don't want to learn. You don't want to consider learning. You would be happy if nobody identified you as Jewish or said the word Jewish to you until the day you die. Okay. Sure. If that's your situation, then you know what? Don't have a Jewish wedding.
00:13:55
Speaker
You don't have to. You don't have to have a Jewish wedding ceremony. If it makes you that uncomfortable, don't have one, but also like keep my info on file in case you want to talk about it later, in case something comes up, okay? Because I'm, no matter how uncomfortable you feel with your Judaism, I and millions of other Jews in the world and especially rabbis have love in their heart for you and the deep wish that you will at one point participate in the community.
00:14:26
Speaker
So that's that reason aside. That's, guys, that's spoiler. That's pretty much the only reason I'm going to tell you, yeah, you know what? Don't have a Jewish wedding. Because, you know, God forbid we don't want your experience with Judaism, Jewish culture, Jewish practice to be such an intensely negative one. Don't do it. And call me later. It's okay. So the next reason that people either don't want to have a Jewish wedding or they're like reluctant to even talk to a rabbi,
00:14:55
Speaker
is because they don't know anything about Jewish weddings.
Overcoming Wedding Knowledge Gaps
00:14:58
Speaker
If I had like a shekel for every time somebody got on a phone call with me and apologized, apologized to me saying, Rabbi Leon, I am so sorry, but I actually don't know anything. I actually don't know anything about Jewish weddings.
00:15:22
Speaker
I have so much compassion in my heart for these people who come and say, I'm so sorry, I don't know anything. And my fiance asked me about Jewish weddings and I just, I couldn't tell him anything. And I want you to hear this. Just because Judaism is an ethno-religion, which I just addressed, does not mean that when you are born, you receive some comprehensive download.
00:15:51
Speaker
of all the information about all the Jewish culture that ever was. There's actually kind of a cute Midrash about that Jewish story, maybe another time. You don't automatically get all the knowledge there is to get. In fact, you're a little bit of a blank slate. And the reason that Judaism is so varied and beautiful and incredible is because
00:16:16
Speaker
Every single Jewish person has brought their own personal experience to contribute to the culture, to contribute to what some people would call Torah, their experience of the truth. Okay, but getting back on track. A lot of these people who don't know anything about Jewish weddings, they, you can tell they just have
00:16:38
Speaker
this deep intense imposter syndrome. And the imposter syndrome is like colored by shame. There's this deep seated sense that as Jews, they should be the people carrying this on, but they are acutely aware that they do not have the tools to do that. So don't be ashamed, okay? Don't be ashamed about that. And even if you think you don't identify with any of the stuff in a Jewish wedding that you possibly could,
00:17:08
Speaker
You know what, why not take a minute to learn, to grab a little bit of that information that is, some would say, your birthright, that comes with being part of the Jewish people. I have to tell you this, I was listening to an old podcast and they brought Anita Diamant on. She is a legend. If you have looked for any books about Jewish weddings, you've found hers.
00:17:35
Speaker
It's in its fourth edition now or something. And on the podcast, she was saying, I say this all the time. Nobody lives in the shtetl anymore. Nobody lives in these tiny Jewish villages where
00:17:53
Speaker
all of life revolved around everybody's life cycle events. In fact, if somebody was having a wedding, that was like the best meal people had that week. You know, how exciting and the whole town would come and gather around and see it. And thank God people were getting married plenty, even though life was really hard. And so
00:18:13
Speaker
The events of a Jewish wedding to those Jewish people who lived in ghettos, who lived in shtetls, who were so very insular, the events of those weddings were almost as familiar to them as, I don't know, an American baseball game might be to us, or
00:18:33
Speaker
shopping in a grocery store. It's just something that was part of their almost weekly experience probably. And it was so normal to them that they didn't even know what they knew. Do you see what I'm saying?
00:18:49
Speaker
And also those people only knew one small fraction of the customs that all Jewish people in the world had, right? Because we dispersed after the exile from Jerusalem to all different parts of the world. And from there, our customs just diverged. So even if people who grew up in a very Jewish community grew up going to Jewish weddings in that community,
00:19:12
Speaker
They only knew about the Jewish weddings from their community. No Jewish person has a deep and intimate knowledge of every single Jewish custom. It's just impossible. So the fact that you don't know anything about Jewish weddings, it actually kind of makes you more Jewish, to be honest. And then if you are
00:19:30
Speaker
sending me a message, calling me, or seeking out a rabbi, or seeking out some learning about Jewish weddings. That makes you all that much more so Jewish, because it's a Jewish impulse to learn. It's a Jewish impulse to ask ourselves, what do I not know?
00:19:45
Speaker
And so if that's you, I'm so proud of you and I'm so excited that you're here. And I want you to let me know, send me an email, your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com and tell me what other resources you are exploring to decide maybe whether you even want a Jewish wedding or to start your planning of
Role of the Rabbi in Planning
00:20:03
Speaker
one. I really want to know because the resources are few and far between. Anita Diamand's book is great. I will link to it in the show notes. And, and it's just one book. It's a great book, but it's just one book.
00:20:16
Speaker
So let's go back all the way, all the way to episode one. What did I talk about? In episode one, the topic was, do we even need a rabbi? I said, no, you don't need a rabbi. Nobody needs a rabbi to get married. But in today's day and age where people don't know that much, the number one benefit, and I believe this with my whole heart, to having a rabbi is not
00:20:43
Speaker
that rabbi doing her thing at the ceremony and making people laugh and cry. That's really important and that's so nice and I wish that for all of you. However,
00:20:54
Speaker
I really think the number one most important thing about having a rabbi to help you work on your wedding is the education that comes with it. Because education is like the most Jewish thing you can pursue. It is the thing that will connect you to your community and our tradition and our history long, long after we stop talking to each other. Although I hope we never stop talking to each other. Okay.
00:21:22
Speaker
So that's that. I hope that answered your question. I don't know. I'm, I'm just going off onto tangents over and over again. You know, that's kind of my brand. If you're on episode four and you've listened to the first three episodes, you know, you're already like, okay, this is on brand on brand for Rabbi Leanne. You're here for it. But let's talk about another reason.
00:21:46
Speaker
that you might tell me I have no interest in having a Jewish wedding ceremony. I'm not gonna call a rabbi. I'm not even going to research Jewish wedding traditions. That you hate Hebrew. Listen, I get it. If I had another shackle for the number of times I have heard somebody say, I have such bad memories of Hebrew school, my bat mitzvah was so traumatic.
00:22:14
Speaker
If I hear one more person say, I'm going to lose it. My wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I'm not including that in my wedding. I just can't. I just can't. I hate Hebrew. I don't want to hear it ever again. Guess what? Then don't include Hebrew in your wedding. Just don't. Yeah, it's, it's that easy. Done. Cause what did I say about Jewish weddings?
00:22:44
Speaker
They are about customs and traditions. They are not about belief in God. They are about a Jewish person wanting to access some of his or her tradition in their Jewish wedding ceremony. Hebrew is not necessary. Jews have been praying and running ceremonies and running events in vernacular non-Hebrew languages, in the languages they naturally speak, for centuries.
00:23:15
Speaker
I guarantee you, you would not be the first Jewish person to say no thank you to Hebrew during your wedding ceremony. In fact, I officiated one. You know who you are. If you're listening to this podcast, God love you. This bride and groom, okay, the way we work is we start our outline for the wedding ceremony inside of a Google Doc.
00:23:34
Speaker
And during our first big meeting, we discuss it, we adjust it, all that stuff. And then I add them to the document, bride and groom, bride and bride, groom and groom, whoever's getting married. And they can ask questions and make changes all up until our virtual run through, which is the second and last meeting we have. This couple, God love them, they just one by one started asking about every single Hebrew prayer. Can we take out the Hebrew here? Can we take out the Hebrew here?
00:24:04
Speaker
Sure, no problem. Eventually, with this couple, they kept taking out every single Hebrew prayer. Eventually, I said to them, this is the last Hebrew prayer remaining in your wedding ceremony. If you take this line of Hebrew out of your wedding ceremony, there will be no Hebrew in your ceremony. Do you know what they said? Sounds good.
00:24:31
Speaker
And I had to chuckle over it and we continued planning the wedding. We had our virtual run through. We all had to chuckle over it. I didn't really pry. And the wedding went off without a hitch. It was so beautiful and so fun. And everybody was so glad that they had had a Jewish wedding and didn't feel that it was less Jewish because of the lack of Hebrew. Okay. So if you hate Hebrew, don't have Hebrew. Still have a Jewish wedding though, or at least consider it.
00:24:59
Speaker
We mentioned this a little bit at the beginning, but if you have this idea that I don't believe in God, you don't even want to mention the idea of God, then don't. There. Done. Don't mention God at all. You can take out every single prayer, or if you want to use some of the prayers in a traditional Jewish wedding, we together
00:25:21
Speaker
can rewrite them to use broad concept words like our people or the community or the energy that powers the earth or whatever it is we settle on. Here's a benefit of having a rabbi work with you. We went to school for four, five, six years just to learn all this Hebrew. Please, we get excited when we get to use our Hebrew knowledge and translate some stuff in creative ways, okay?
00:25:51
Speaker
Next reason, you don't want to have a Jewish wedding. Maybe because you're afraid of upsetting the family of your beloved.
Incorporating Interfaith Elements
00:26:02
Speaker
Your fiance's family is not Jewish. You think that they would be upset by having any Jewish elements in your wedding ceremony. There's a lot going on there. People are complicated. I get it. Just consider this.
00:26:20
Speaker
And this might not change anything, but what a lot of people don't consider is that religion is sort of, we can look at it from like an anthropological and historical sense, okay? Judaism as an ethno-religion, as a faith, as a people, is older than almost all religions that you will find commonly represented in American weddings. So I'm mostly talking about Christianity.
00:26:47
Speaker
As you can probably guess, you know, we're in the United States of America. Most people who approach me about interfaith weddings are some sort of Jewish Christian situation. If you're marrying somebody who's Muslim. If you're marrying somebody who is like basically any later religion than Judaism.
00:27:14
Speaker
The beliefs of Judaism don't really clash in a significant way for the purposes of the wedding ceremony. So of course we have our differences. The big one that everybody knows, everybody likes to talk about, Jews do believe in Jesus, but we don't believe Jesus was the Messiah sent to save our people from eternal damnation, hell, whatever. But guys, guess what?
00:27:41
Speaker
Because we don't have that belief in Jesus, the Jewish wedding ceremony does not bring that up at all. I mean, it might seem obvious to you, but Jesus is actually not part of a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, which means obviously the denial of Jesus also cannot be part of that Jewish wedding ceremony. So the central belief of Judaism is that there is one God who watches over all of us,
00:28:09
Speaker
It's not really something that we even mention at all in a wedding ceremony, though. We don't even talk about God. What's the wedding ceremony about? The couple. How grateful we are to be together. I'm not making this up. I just wrote a script. I was doing a very creative translation of the seven wedding blessings to include a child as part of a blended family. And when you get right down to the essence of all the seven wedding blessings, they are about
00:28:37
Speaker
gratitude for the wonderful world we live in, love for the community that surrounds us, being thrilled that we have found the one person that we can spend the rest of our lives with. We don't talk about the nature of God like at all in a Jewish wedding ceremony.
Focus on the Couple
00:28:54
Speaker
I mean, also, if you're worried about upsetting the family of your fiance, I just want to put out there, again, this is another thing that might be obvious, but people have interfaith ceremonies all the time.
00:29:07
Speaker
It might be a little more difficult to find a rabbi to co-officiate with somebody, but we're out there. I will definitely co-officiate with pretty much any clergy person as long as that clergy person is not like actively demonizing Jews as part of the ceremony, which again is a wedding. There's really no space for that to happen at all. Okay, so you might say, that's fine, Rabbi Leanne. We just,
00:29:34
Speaker
If the ceremony is a Jewish ceremony, it will look like the ceremony is about Judaism, not about us. We want it to be about us. This is a very contemporary sensibility. And sometimes I will hear clergy people sort of disparaging that, like, oh, we've gotten away from the purpose of the wedding and the marriage. Once again, Jewish weddings were like not really about God at all.
00:30:03
Speaker
They're about this relationship between two people. And if you find a good rabbi or a good officiant in general, who are my officiants listening to this? Let me know if you feel this is true about you. Any rabbi, priest, pastor, imam, who is conducting a ceremony knows that a wedding ceremony is meant to be about two people, the two people getting married. The ceremony reminds the two people of why they chose each other
00:30:33
Speaker
And it reminds their guests of why the guests are here to support them and why they love them so much. I want to say that this is true about every single Jewish life cycle event. Okay. Side note, I did not learn how to officiate weddings in rabbinical school. We had an entire, we had one semester on officiating life cycle events, general life cycle events. The number one lesson we learned in that module in that class,
00:31:02
Speaker
was that when it's time to write a eulogy, God forbid somebody's died, the eulogy is about the person who has passed away and the legacy they have left us. We say, may their memory be a blessing. What does that mean? It means the way that we'll remember them. When it's time for a new baby, God willing, we have a baby naming for the baby. Usually the parents, when they give a speech, they do not speak about God or religion or anything. They talk about the reason they chose the name for their child.
00:31:32
Speaker
and the hopes they have for the child's future. And sometimes they talk about the person who's passed away because they'll sometimes name the child after that person. When it is time, God willing for a bar mitzvah.
00:31:44
Speaker
And the child has finished her Torah reading and her parents come up to the Bima to speak to her, or maybe the rabbi speaking to her. The number one thing that they do is speak about the child's upbringing, about her wonderful qualities, about the things they hope for her future, about how proud they are of her. It's not about God. Yes, there are prayers about God, but the event itself is a celebration of life. It's a celebration of human life.
00:32:15
Speaker
So all this is to say that having a rabbi at your wedding or having two officiants at your Jewish wedding, do not cancel out the fact that the wedding is about you. And you know what? Go ahead, call a rabbi. If you're calling a rabbi to officiate your wedding, you get her on the phone, maybe your video chatting, maybe you meet her in person. Go ahead and ask her. Tell her your concerns. I'm just really concerned that the wedding won't be about us.
00:32:44
Speaker
If she shrugs and says, yeah, your wedding's about God, then don't hire her and don't work with her and keep looking. Don't be discouraged because I promise you it's pretty common knowledge among rabbis that life cycle events are about life cycles. They're not about God.
00:33:02
Speaker
Now, if a couple is really religious, you know, we amp up the prayer stuff. We add a little bit. It's fine. But in most cases, people really don't want to. And that is not, by the way, it does not expect it even of a very traditional Jewish wedding to add more God, more and more God. It's not. So you may be thinking about
00:33:25
Speaker
what I said earlier in the podcast, about having a rabbi to be around to educate you about stuff, or maybe what I said in episode one, which is the benefit of having a rabbi to officiate your wedding as connection. You might say, well, jokes on you, Rabbi Leanne, I don't even care about having a rabbi in my life. And I hear you, how many times? How many times have I said, you do not need a rabbi, congratulations, you win. You get a gold star, you've been paying attention.
00:33:56
Speaker
And it's true, you don't need a rabbi. You can have a baby naming ceremony without a rabbi. You can have prayer services in your living room. You can celebrate all the holidays without ever talking to a rabbi, okay? But consider that it might be good for future you to have a rabbi around, to have that contact. If you should ever have a big question,
00:34:25
Speaker
You know, sometimes things happen in our lives that we have a sense that we would like a little bit of traditional reflection to help us make our decision. God forbid something terrible happens in your life or maybe something wonderful happens. You've won a billion dollars in the lottery and you feel a pull to ask several different people about what you should do with the money. I don't know. You know Mazel Tov.
00:34:56
Speaker
Even if nothing huge happens the rest of your life, you know, consider all my couples, I send them little holiday packages. They get a little something for Passover Rosh Hashanah Hanukkah. It's nice. It reminds them that they're part of a tradition with celebrations and love and that there's always somebody that they can ask. Of course, you can start a relationship with a rabbi anytime. You don't have to decide at your wedding, I'm gonna be in, I'm gonna be in touch with a rabbi or I'm not.
00:35:26
Speaker
You know, F rabbis, you don't have to decide that at your wedding. You can make a connection with a rabbi anytime, but this wedding ceremony is a big moment in people's lives. It's a natural entry point. Okay. And we want to be here for you. Most of us do. We want to be here for you. Okay.
00:35:48
Speaker
So now that we have taken some of the steam out of your argument for why it's just impossible for you to have a Jewish ceremony or even consider it, let's talk about some things that you might think are pretty good reasons to have a Jewish wedding that you haven't considered. Things you haven't considered before. Okay, number one.
Connection to Ancestry
00:36:10
Speaker
This goes all the way back to the beginning of our discussion about ethno-religion. Your ancestors had Jewish weddings.
00:36:18
Speaker
It's what your ancestors did. And I think in big moments of our lives like this, it's, there's something powerful about having, making that historical connection to what your ancestors did before you. And it feels deep in a way that most things don't. In fact, it might feel deep on almost the same level as your connection to your fiance feels.
00:36:46
Speaker
Those things that kind of dig down in our hearts and souls and just make us feel like they're part of our essential being or part of our truth. For a lot of Jewish people, especially people who belong to really old religions, there's this feeling like this is what my ancestors did. And I will never meet my great-grandmother. But guess what? She had a Jewish wedding.
00:37:14
Speaker
She smashed a glass. She said the seven wedding blessings. Well, she didn't. Her rabbi did. Maybe there's even an object that one of your ancestors used at their Jewish wedding. Gosh, they're just waiting on this generation, the one with you in it, to use that piece of Judaica, that piece of that ritual object.
00:37:37
Speaker
And by the way, that doesn't only apply to Jewish stuff. We've had lots of stuff incorporated in our chuppas and ceremonies, rosaries, mantiyas, tablecloths, all kinds of stuff that tie the people underneath the chuppa to their ancestors. And, you know, not to pile on more guilt.
00:37:59
Speaker
My friend, Wendy, who has run to an elopement efficient, if you are just not wanting a rabbi, I was super duper a lot at this point, call Wendy. She's great. I talked to her. I met her a few months ago and she said, I don't know much about Judaism, except there's a lot of guilt. And I just laughed because it just, it seemed so off to me, you know, but maybe, maybe I'm part of a new generation where I'm like, chill, you know, that is, that is somebody's experience, not to discount somebody's experience of having a,
00:38:30
Speaker
a Jewish upbringing that had some guilt involved. Another reason to do it you might not have considered is that it might just really make your parents or grandparents or whatever happy. There's something about those little moments in a Jewish wedding. Maybe it's the circling. Maybe it's the kiddush cup you're using, the wine cup you're using. Maybe it's signing the kachuba.
00:38:57
Speaker
Or having the prayer shawl wrapped around your shoulders at the end while your parents give you a blessing. Or hearing those seven wedding blessings. Wedding days and especially wedding ceremonies are full of these moments that we all know deep down are a really big deal.
00:39:19
Speaker
And sometimes all your parents want or all your grandparents want is to see you walking in that circle at the beginning of the ceremony or standing under a huppa or holding, maybe not even saying the prayer over wine, but holding the wine cup that your great grandparents used and mentioning wine. Because like who doesn't like wine?
00:39:43
Speaker
And I don't want to center your parents or your grandparents or your aunt or uncle or sister or brother, whatever. This wedding, like I just said, it's about the two of you. Nothing changes that. However, this might be something small that you can give them. And it might be small to you, but it might not be small to them at all. There are these little moments you can add to the ceremony. And your bubby, if you ask her later after the wedding,
00:40:16
Speaker
What did you think of the wedding? It was such a nice Jewish ceremony. Such a Jewish wedding, you know, she'll tell her friends. Just because you, whatever, stomped on a glass. So. So another family-related one, and I swear, I do, once again, I know that the ceremony is about you and your spouse, but
00:40:44
Speaker
If you have any Jewish family members whatsoever who are concerned that you marrying your fiance will make you less Jewish or means that you will never have a Jewish home or Jewish holidays. A lot of times literally just having a rabbi at the ceremony or just having a chuppah or just holding the wine cup or just stomping on the glass
00:41:11
Speaker
your family who might have concerns over whether or not you're going to remain Jewish after this wedding, that can be seen as such a huge gesture of acceptance and goodwill from the non-Jewish spouse, even though she might not have anything to do with it.
00:41:28
Speaker
You know, the Catholic woman that you're marrying might love Judaism and might be so excited to have the Hanukkah candles out and to make brisket from your great grandma's recipe. She might be fully on board, but a lot of times, and I'm not saying this is right, but a lot of times people's family members are just really unsettled by that non-Jewish fiance and the Jewish wedding just does something. It's like something primal.
00:41:56
Speaker
almost that kind of, you know, resets that and, and, and brings a lot of goodwill into how they see your relationship. That goes both ways. By the way, you know, if you're a Jewish person planning a wedding, don't be stubborn. Don't be stubborn about having it be a strictly Jewish wedding. Okay. You are two people getting married.
00:42:24
Speaker
Each person is an individual in his or her own right, brings his or her own upbringing, traditions, beliefs, values into the ceremony. Consider this. If you are not willing to bend on having interfaith elements, faith elements different from your own faith in your wedding ceremony, consider whether it's
00:42:50
Speaker
the right time to be marrying that person or whether you might have a little more work to do. Not that I'm a therapist, we're going to talk about that in another episode, premarital counseling, not my gig, not my expertise. I just want to say that I want to reiterate that every single aspect of a Jewish wedding ceremony has different meanings from which you are free to choose for explainers or to not explain at all.
00:43:22
Speaker
You can explain everything in the program. And that is something that I go through with each of my couples. What are all the historical meanings that I know of this? What are all the different traditions surrounding this part of the ceremony? Let's go through them together. Do you like any of them? Do any of them resonate with you? Oftentimes people come into a meeting with me thinking that they are 1000% not going to, for example, Saini Kachuba.
00:43:50
Speaker
or not going to have a bedecken, or not going to do the circling. And when we talk about it, when I share some information, when I share some stories, those people start to have like a little shift and say, you know what? That actually might be what we're looking for. One last thing. Well, it's actually the second to last thing. One last thing that I wanna say is having a Jewish wedding can be unexpectedly emotional for you.
00:44:17
Speaker
You know, the last thing I talked about kind of goes into that, but once again, there's something deep down inside of us. I believe that each person, each human on the planet carries a piece of their ancestors inside of them. Okay. This is not like a Jewish theological belief. This is just something that I, I too feel, you know, we are a product of the cultures that our ancestors lived in and passed down to us.
00:44:47
Speaker
Some part of them exists in some part of us. Sexually, maybe a Jewish cultural belief is kind of why Ashkenazi Jews name babies after people who have passed away. Because we believe it's possible to carry parts of people into the future with us. That, you know, they never really leave in that sense. And we don't really have a lot of opportunities in our life to feel that way. You know, sometimes something will pop up and you'll feel like,
00:45:16
Speaker
That reminds me of my grandma or, gosh, I miss when we used to all have bagels at the end of Yom Kippur or something like that. But most of the time, those opportunities don't crop up. You know, we're really busy. We don't live ultra religious lives for the most part. But once you get there, once you either get into the planning phase, it could even be at the rehearsal, whatever, and you are
00:45:39
Speaker
thinking about smashing that glass or using that wine goblet, that kiddish cup, it might just tug at you. And you might have this moment of, I think it's actually very likely that you'll have this moment of, wow, I'm really glad we did this. One thing that I think about a lot actually is how like American wedding ceremonies, there's not really traditions.
Structured Nature of Jewish Weddings
00:46:04
Speaker
So a lot of people really struggle with creating a ceremony just sort of from scratch.
00:46:10
Speaker
somebody does a reading, somebody sings a song, maybe we do a sand ceremony, maybe there's personal vows. But if you're planning a wedding, it could just be really useful to have a baseline of culture and tradition to start from, like a jumping off point. Okay, so a traditional Jewish wedding has a pretty universal structure. You walk to the chippah, you say the blessing over wine, you exchange rings, you read the ketubah, seven wedding blessings, stomp on the glass, mazel tov.
00:46:41
Speaker
So that at least gives you a structure to say like, oh, that seems like a good, you know, we ramp up to something, we ramp down from something. People won't be too bored. We'll move through the ceremony. But I don't like that part right there. At least it gives you like a good structure from which to build yourself into it.
00:47:02
Speaker
Honestly, I don't mean to sound flip, but planning a wedding from the starting point of a religious tradition or of a faith tradition, ethno-religious tradition, it just gives you stuff to do. Americans haven't really developed such wedding customs yet. In a lot of the wedding customs, by the way, that Americans have developed, they come from mainstream Protestant Christianity, which is what founded the country, so that makes sense.
00:47:32
Speaker
Ask yourself if you're going to start planning a ceremony from some structure, some scaffolding. Why not at least look into having a Jewish one? Starting from the Jewish standpoint. Okay. Let's wrap it up.
00:47:54
Speaker
Here we are at the end. I think I've brought up all the reasons I could possibly think of that even if you say, Rabbi, with all due respect, we're not religious, we have no interest in having a Jewish wedding. I hope that if that's your position that I've given you at least some things to think about, some things to consider. Not that like I'm encouraging FOMO,
00:48:16
Speaker
Not that I'm trying to discount your opinions, your thoughts, your beliefs, just trying to offer another perspective because I don't want you to miss out. I just want it to be a jumping off point for you. You know, Jewish tradition says that we all are involved in the constant creation of Torah. Torah in a broad sense, not in the sense of the scroll, but in the sense of truth of the universe and the truth of our experience. And it says that only you
00:48:45
Speaker
can contribute your experiences to the Jewish tradition, to the Jewish community. Could be that part of your contribution to the world, to the universal body of truth that we're all constantly seeking. Maybe it starts with planning a Jewish wedding, learning about some stuff. Maybe, I don't know, but I at least wanted to put this out here in case that's you, in case that speaks to you a little bit.
00:49:11
Speaker
I know that we live in a world where information is really easy to get. Jews are like a little less than 2% of the American population. It's no surprise that when you jump online and Google info about Jewish weddings, there's just like not that much that comes up. And even the stuff that does come up maybe isn't that accessible.
00:49:33
Speaker
Jewish tradition is so bound up, like we talked about at the beginning, history and collection of beliefs and cultures that it can be really difficult for a website to explain what it is about a Jewish wedding. You know, we'll do one more example time because, hey, I haven't hit an hour yet, right? And we all know how much I like to talk. Okay. Exchanging rings.
00:50:02
Speaker
We exchanged rings at Jewish weddings. I wanted to learn some more about this. Remember, I told you they didn't teach us about Jewish weddings in depth at all in rabbinical school. So I wanted to learn some more about this. I set out to learn more about it. When did rings become a common part of Jewish wedding ceremonies? We think in Eastern Europe in about the 1800s. Why? Because it was fashion. People were exchanging rings at Jewish weddings. They started to do it because it was fashion.
00:50:32
Speaker
because everybody else around them, all the non-Jewish people, that's what became the custom. Not just in their community, but in the non-Jewish communities that surrounded them.
00:50:42
Speaker
When you listen to somebody explain the exchange of rings now in a Jewish wedding ceremony, you might hear them say something about exchange of value representing a Jewish marriage, which is true that that has always been something that indicated or that was important for a Jewish marriage, but it didn't take the form of rings until a couple hundred years ago.
00:51:07
Speaker
They might tell you that the ring is perfectly round. It has no beginning and no end, just as God has no beginning and no end. They might tell you it represents the unbroken circle of creation and the world always recreating itself. The original reason the Jews exchanged rings at wedding ceremonies is because their neighbors in Germany were doing it. Again, rabbis are human. We're wrong all the time. If I'm wrong, please correct me. But just because you read something online,
00:51:36
Speaker
about an aspect of a Jewish wedding ceremony does not make it ultimate final or even large part truth.
Continuous Learning in Jewish Life
00:51:45
Speaker
Okay. Reach out to somebody who knows, get a book, email me, we'll talk about all the things about Jewish weddings. You might be more connected to it, like deep down in your heart than you imagined you could be. And if you are a couple or a bride or a groom who has worked with me on a Jewish wedding ceremony and you've had a moment like this,
00:52:05
Speaker
where you're like, I didn't know. That's why we smashed the glass. I just thought it was mourning the temple in Jerusalem. I thought I didn't want to smash the glass. I thought I was against smashing the glass. Or I thought I was against exchanging wedding rings because they represent somebody buying the bride.
00:52:24
Speaker
Well, do they? So let's have those conversations and let's weave you in to the chain. Let's make sure that you're part of this conversation instead of just throwing the conversation in the bin, right? So anyway, keep listening to the show. Keep digging around on the internet. You know, if you find an explanation for something that doesn't resonate with you and you're like, this is trash, I'm not religious, I'm not doing this for my wedding, consider that there's probably some other reasons. And just maybe search a couple more times.
00:52:54
Speaker
You know, just do it on your lunch break or do it when you're having personal time. Keep asking questions. Okay. You're going to hear me say this a lot because it is the core of what it means to be Jewish. It's not really a belief in God. It's not even the historical events. And it's certainly not just because our moms were Jewish, right? All those things are important and all those are things that like make us technically Jewish, but
00:53:20
Speaker
The real essence, I believe, of what it means to be Jewish and what it means to care about your Jewish identity and to keep pursuing that throughout your whole life is to keep asking questions. As long as you're still asking questions, you're still engaged and it shows that you still care. And that, I promise you, is the most important thing to any rabbi you're going to speak to. Because why? Because there's always more learning to do. So until next time.
00:53:52
Speaker
Well everyone, I have had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding. Until you can smash that glass on your big day, you might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
00:54:14
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi Lian, on Instagram. All one word for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
00:54:31
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at yourohioRabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you. Don't settle for anything less.