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82. Strength Comes In Reaching Out- With Nickcole Byrd
76 Plays4 years ago
Nickcole Byrd, author of The Widow’s Oil, Discovering God’s Purpose in the midst of Grief, shares her journey after the death of her husband in 2019. In this conversation she shares her experiences and insights of what she's learned from this grief experience.
She sees that a lot of Christians struggle with grieving and are afraid to speak up about it because they are supposed to be people of Faith. Many pass on therapy because they are taught they should pray about the hurt they are experiencing. She shares how therapy has played a part in her and her family's journey, and wants people to know that there is strength in reaching out for help. In her words "I have made it a commitment to distill all stigmas about emotional health amongst the black and faith communities .My message of hope is the method of faith and therapy are a perfect combination in healing and moving forward."
Contact Nickcole Byrd: https://www.nickcolelives.com/
https://www.facebook.com/nickcole.byrd
https://www.instagram.com/nickcole_byrd/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi for coaching or to be a guest on the Podcast:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
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Transcript
The Power of Reaching Out
00:00:01
Speaker
Really, strength is spoken to when you're able to reach out. Reach out takes work. Reach out takes energy. It doesn't take energy to withdraw. So, strength comes in reaching out to those that care about you and love you and reaching out to get help speaks to that strength.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:26
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:00:49
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Nicole Bird's Journey of Widowhood
00:01:12
Speaker
For those of you tuning in today I am grateful that you're here to listen to the conversation that I'm having with Nicole Bird. Nicole Bird is a widow and mom of three young adult children.
00:01:27
Speaker
She will be sharing her journey of becoming a widow as well as now her journey as an author. She recently wrote a book that she will be sharing more about. Nicole, thank you so much for being here.
00:01:46
Speaker
Thank you so much Kendra for having me. I am so excited to be with you guys today. Oh, thank you for being here. So tell us then a little more of where you live. I'd like to start kind of this way. It just kind of sets the tone. Where do you live? A little bit about your life and your kids and then how your husband passed and we just will go from there.
00:02:12
Speaker
Yeah, I live in Houston, Texas. I've been here over probably 27 years. Houston is actually where I met my husband. I am originally from a small island in Texas called Galveston, Texas. Oh, I have to go. I have to go to Galveston. Yeah, it's a small island.
00:02:41
Speaker
Yeah, so yeah small island there moved to Houston for work pretty much and I met my husband here and as you mentioned I have three young adult children, two girls and a boy and we are
Coping with Unexpected Loss
00:03:00
Speaker
What I believe are in the stages of the healing process when it comes to grief. My husband, unfortunately, 919-19, and I use those numbers because those numbers have meaning.
00:03:16
Speaker
for me in the process and he passed away unexpectedly. Still today we really could never pinpoint what his illness was. It started with he had lost weight and he started having bad stomach aches and at first they thought it was like a bleeding ulcer.
00:03:37
Speaker
And they gave him medication, got him tried to fix it, sent him home. He got even worse. And then we go back to the hospital for a stint in the ICU for about a month and a half. And my husband passed away one night, well, one morning, I guess it was about 3, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning.
00:04:03
Speaker
And they said they couldn't do anything else for him. So yeah, I am just trying to rebuild some of the pieces of my life and trying to understand the role and the responsibility in this new season and really just trying to live out in what we call the new normal.
00:04:30
Speaker
Oh, wow. And plus it happened right before, just a few months before we went into quarantine and with everything with the pandemic. Yes. So grieving with this new normal as, you know, also, well, new normal too in your life of being now a widow and now, it's hard to say single mom because you were not, you know, you raised them with your husband. What's your husband's name, by the way?
00:04:58
Speaker
His name is Peter. Peter Daniel. Yeah. Oh, beautiful name. What was so crazy. Yeah, I was just thinking about, you know, yesterday was Mother's Day and my mother-in-law called the chicken on her.
00:05:16
Speaker
So her first son, his name was Paul, and he passed away from getting into an altercation and a fight. And he died before I met my husband. And so in thinking about my mother-in-law, she lost her second son, pretty young. My husband was only 48 years old when he passed away. And so just thinking about her from Mother's Day, losing both of her sons,
00:05:45
Speaker
could be quite tough, you know? And so I kind of carried that around too in my journey as well, just really feeling so hurt and so disappointed for her as well.
00:06:04
Speaker
So you're carrying like several types of grief, your own grief, the grief of your mother-in-law and most likely also the grief of your own children as well. So it's like this extra type of role. Do you feel that way? Yes, no, exactly. So, you know, as you mentioned, this was right on the cusp of COVID. And so, um,
00:06:32
Speaker
It kind of felt like things were stacking. Things were piling up as we moved into the pandemic here in Houston.
Father-Son Bond and Loss
00:06:43
Speaker
And when I think about just trying to hold things together with, of course, my mother-in-law and what she was experiencing, and then my children, they were really, really close to my husband. And my son actually,
00:06:59
Speaker
is a college student over at Colorado State University where he played basketball and he's actually been playing basketball for, since he was in second grade. And so that sport was the thing.
00:07:14
Speaker
My husband and he shared that was their thing. They love sports Like my husband have all I have a collection of all the VHS VHS mind you tapes of recordings of playoff games with Kobe and LeBron and they would watch these tapes and so that that was a major shift in
00:07:41
Speaker
my son's life with Luz and his father and then being thousands and thousands of miles away trying to
00:07:53
Speaker
We buried his father and then having to get back to school and try to finish up and continue, you know, just continue in the journey that we worked so hard to help him get into. It's a dream of his to play professionally. And so losing his father, I always equate it to, you know, no pun intended, like I'm a bird with one wing.
00:08:17
Speaker
Like because the anchor and the relationship and the covenant that we had, the tightness of our family. And when you lose the patriarch pretty much of your family, it's almost as if the rug is being pulled from underneath you. Wow.
00:08:37
Speaker
You just described such beautiful imagery, just all these visuals of what it is to be in this journey now solo, but at the same time with the foundation of which you both created in this parenting journey as well. So it's like you're taking on this master plan to some extent that you guys had already kind of set to motion as this parenting couple,
00:09:05
Speaker
And now you're just delivering it on your own now.
Transition to Single Parenthood
00:09:10
Speaker
But it's, yeah, the visuals you're describing. No, Kendra, it is an even greater responsibility that you feel like you have for your family. As I shift the role from wife
00:09:34
Speaker
to the role of single parent, so to speak, and single woman, if that makes sense, and really getting a grasp on how that worked. Because when someone dies, the whole dynamic of the family shifts, especially if it's a father or a mother that was
00:10:00
Speaker
engaged. Like my husband was really engaged. Um, and I, it left me with, of course, you know, in grief, you're kinda, I feel like sometimes you're on this emotional roller coaster. You don't know when it's coming at you. It comes in and comes out, but even more so with my husband, it's just really trying to center yourself around this new dynamic of your life and really
00:10:30
Speaker
work hard at keeping the right perspective in the moment in which you live in, if that makes sense.
00:10:41
Speaker
It makes absolute sense because you even mentioned it when you sent me the information about your book and a little bit about your life was that not only are you grieving the passing of your husband, but you're grieving the end of this chapter as well of your life as the role of wife and so forth too.
00:11:11
Speaker
No, most definitely. One of the things that I truly believe about grief, whatever type of loss that you may be experiencing, is that you're grieving what life was before. That you understand that life will never be as it once was before. That you could never get that back. And so the finality
00:11:41
Speaker
of that takes a toll and so in that we find, well I found myself with it stacking if it makes sense and then going into the pandemic and then it evolves into bouts of anxiety about your life and borderline bouts of feeling depressive in some states.
00:12:09
Speaker
But
Community Support and Therapy
00:12:10
Speaker
what I found to be true, and I really believe that it was God's grace on my life to be able to have these three things. One is, and please note that I know that a lot of people who find themselves in this space
00:12:30
Speaker
don't have this same access. So I am so forever grateful for having these three things in my life. One is I had an amazing community around me, Kendra, like people who were really present and wanted to be a part
00:12:51
Speaker
of my healing process from a very nonjudgmental space, but really had the capacity of heart to help me navigate the space of grief. But we find a lot of people don't have access to the community in that way.
00:13:12
Speaker
And the reason I truly believe that I have had access to that community is because I was so engaged in service. You know, I do ministry full time. I do outreach and missions, you know, feeding the poor and doing outreach trips to Haiti and helping with people who are underserved. And so I think that gave me
00:13:37
Speaker
a segue or portal into the hearts of so many people that kind of reciprocated what I was already putting out in the universe. So I had community. Another piece that was introduced to me that I had never been a part of before is therapy.
00:13:58
Speaker
I knew Kendra. One day we were in a hospital with one of my good friends and it was just up and down. His vitals would be great one day. Next day they wouldn't be. And then one day they will be off the charts. He's doing amazing. And then they would be asking me to go ahead and sign a DNR.
00:14:24
Speaker
But in that somehow on the inside Kendra, I knew that I was experiencing trauma. Now, not from a, I'm not a therapist. So I didn't know, but I knew something on the inside was broken.
00:14:44
Speaker
And I knew beyond the fact that I am a person of faith, that I was going to need a little something else to help me kind of get to the next space. And so I told my friend, I was like, and she looked at me shocking. It was shocking to her. Um, I was like, I'm going to need therapy.
00:15:07
Speaker
I just knew, and I've never been in a space when I had therapy before, but something on the inside was like, you're going to need, you're going to need that. So, um, the community, the therapy, and of course, because of who I, how, who I am, um, spiritually, prayer and meditation have been a big part of my healing process.
00:15:33
Speaker
I love that you just touched on the three tools because this is one of the things I usually ask the guests are, what are the tools that help them navigate this grief because or keep helping them navigate this grief? I'm so grateful that you just shared that with us.
00:15:52
Speaker
Let's dive into a little bit of the therapy component because in our correspondence before, and I think you touch upon this in your book, is that correct? I haven't read your book as we were not able to finalize those little details for me to be able to get it, but what is the role of therapy and how
00:16:17
Speaker
how is therapy something that in the community that you were around, how was therapy seen that your friend, for example, was a little shocked that you said that you needed, that you were gonna need therapy? So from the culture I reside when it comes to ministry and faith-based ministry,
00:16:40
Speaker
You know, we believe deeply in the principles of God is able to heal based on these things in the Bible, right? And to, I believe there's a stigma. There has been somehow seeped into the body of Christ that
00:17:10
Speaker
therapy is borderline not being a person of faith. And there's a shame that is projected on the person that is going through these emotional turmoil. And there has been almost shaming people for their pain, if it makes sense. You're not praying enough.
00:17:37
Speaker
You're not believing enough. Um, we could go so far as, well, who did something wrong? Who, who send, you know, um, why is this happening to you? And the, and I'm speaking from the context because I'm speaking from the context of me being a ministry leader. There's an expectation.
00:18:01
Speaker
that you are in a place or further along in a place spiritually than your counterparts or people that you serve with in the ministry. And so because of that, you should have the tools or what it takes to get through this.
00:18:20
Speaker
Um, and so that there's a stigma and there's a, there's a shame. And, um, I really don't believe the church of today. Um, and I'm talking about those who are Christians and what I've experienced, um, have not really tapped into their responsibility to be a place of solace for those that are broken, broken from losing a loved one.
00:18:46
Speaker
And so I feel like I had an opportunity to educate the community on what God has to say, one, about the taking care of those that are grieving. I think there's about the, I think widow is mentioned about 81 times in the Bible.
00:19:05
Speaker
And just things that I wanted to highlight was that, you know, in that 81 times, you always see Jesus putting the widow on the forefront and making sure he comes to her aid, making sure she's protected and defended and making sure she's being taken care of. And I think we miss out, we have missed out culturally on how to deal with those that are grieving.
00:19:35
Speaker
And so I am wanting to bring to the table a space of education. And with regards to therapy, I even went as far to break down the Greek
00:19:54
Speaker
of the word therapy, which means therapy, which means healing. And then also shedding light to my community that one third of Jesus' ministry was a healing ministry.
Therapy Stigmas in Faith Community
00:20:11
Speaker
And so he did a lot of physical manifestations of healings. But there's always, when you come into the body of Christ, is the healing of the mind and the way you look at a thing.
00:20:24
Speaker
And so therapy is all about perspective. And I think, you know, we have to get an understanding that the therapist is not there to tell you what to do, but to shed light on perspectives on the way you think. So I may have been thinking, man, am I going to feel like this forever or that God is punishing me? And so when I have these thoughts,
00:20:51
Speaker
The therapist walks alongside me to shed light, give me perspective, and then also make me accountable to the changes that I say I want to
00:21:06
Speaker
change and reflect in my life. I hope that's making sense what I'm saying. Oh, it makes so much sense. And I'm sure that this is something that even goes beyond sometimes even just the Christian faith. And when you say the body of Christ, you're meaning the body, meaning the community, correct? Yes, the community.
00:21:27
Speaker
There's a community of believers that are Christian, meaning they are followers of Jesus Christ. They believe in the Trinity, which is the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. But I believe that what I'm saying exactly what you're saying is that what I'm saying is that this can
00:21:47
Speaker
It has reach. It has reach even beyond that because people have a way even if you're not a believer of projecting shame or making people feel shame about the emotions that are going on on the inside. I mean we have family members that be like trying to rush your process until you should just get over it.
00:22:14
Speaker
Yeah, there's something about grief that, one, it's not talked about in a lot of different communities. And I'm so grateful that you're sharing specifically your perspective, Nicole, as well, because a lot of people that listen to this are also Christian and will relate to that. But for those that aren't, you are probably also, as listeners, finding so much truth in this that it applies to even in your own
00:22:41
Speaker
religious beliefs as well, that there is this lack of support in the grief community in your own religious communities too. Sorry, not religious. I said grief community. I said grief support into your own religious communities. But also the aspect of the therapy being a little bit like in some
00:23:05
Speaker
cultures, not something that we go to right away. And like you said, that there's this aspect of shame around it. Like people hide that they do therapy. People hide that they do marriage counseling or things like that sometimes too, because then if they say they do it, it's as if there's something wrong with your marriage, for example, or things like that, you know, and that's not necessarily the case.
00:23:30
Speaker
I think that there is this barrier, like you said, Nicole, about having to break down these walls and taboos, not only about therapy, but also about grief and about talking about death as well. Talking about death, there's all these different layers that we have to start breaking these walls and taboos. No, exactly.
00:23:56
Speaker
You don't hear a lot of preaching on Sunday about death. You don't hear that. You often hear the cliches, they are in a better place. God has something better in mind and things of that nature. And that could be tough on a person whose whole life as they know it has shifted
00:24:21
Speaker
Right. And so I think that that shame that that we are projecting on people because of the pain that they may be feeling can leave a person in a place of withdrawing from their community as opposed to drawing near to their community in the time of need that they need it. And so it causes some people to isolate
00:24:47
Speaker
which I believe is truly a dangerous place to dwell in when you're having all these emotions because you don't have anybody near you to give you the right perspective or make your accountable or to do check-ins with you. And so we want to, you know, I want to personally create a space, a culture,
00:25:08
Speaker
of grief support that would draw people to want to be a part of a community, to share their experiences and be able to talk out what they're feeling because that's what therapy is. You know, they call it cognitive behavioral therapy and it's just talking because we understand scripturally is that
00:25:28
Speaker
When we confess, when we speak things out of our mouth, that's where God begins to heal. And so in therapy, that's what it is, a place of expression about what is going on in your heart. And the more that we reveal what's going on in our heart, the more we can express it.
00:25:49
Speaker
then the therapist or even a good friend, they can speak to it. But if we stuff it and we don't share it because we're shame or we think because there's an expectation of that we should be strong enough to handle what we're dealing with, but really strength is spoken to when you're able to reach out
00:26:11
Speaker
Reach out takes work. Reach out takes energy. It doesn't take energy to withdraw. So strength comes in reaching out to those that care about you and love you and reaching out to get help speaks to that strength.
00:26:26
Speaker
Oh, that is so amazing because it is completely flipping it. It's like what you just said about strength is a complete different opposite vision of what people see as strength. People see as strength in society sometimes as people that don't need help.
00:26:45
Speaker
And it's completely the opposite. Strength is being vulnerable enough, too, to reach out for help. That is really what strength is, is actually showing your vulnerability as well. So I love that definition that you just said, Nicole, really, of shifting that perspective of strength. Thank you for that. Thank you.
00:27:07
Speaker
Now, talk about your journey a little bit then about how it is that you, within just less than two years of being a widow, that you started this journey of writing this book, and it is called The Widow's Oil, Discovering God's Purpose in the Mids of Grief.
00:27:33
Speaker
So share with us about it. My gosh, what's up with my words today? I'm swapping my words. I think I haven't talked enough in English this morning. I always say this to sometimes to the people I'm talking to. Spanish is my first language. So when I'm doing a podcast in the morning sometimes, I think my brain is not completely all in the right language pattern.
00:27:58
Speaker
because especially on a Monday when on the weekend I've just been with my husband and the kids and the majority of time we're just speaking in Spanish. It takes a little time. Yeah, because I'm swapping words all around. Okay, so talk to us about this process of writing this book and when in this journey that you're like, you know what? I'm going to start writing about my grief journey. How did that come about? Share with us.
00:28:25
Speaker
So by nature, I am kind of like a lifelong learner.
Active Participation in Healing
00:28:34
Speaker
And the way I work, it's like if I can get an understanding about a thing, then I kind of know what I'm working with and I could kind of put some action towards it. And so early on, you know, in reading other grief books and talking to other people and then being in therapy,
00:28:55
Speaker
I begin to ask some, some questions, you know, just about, you know, how I can activate healing in my life. So the question I asked my therapist was this is probably a question many people who are grieving ask. Well, maybe two, two questions. I was like, will I feel like this forever? This, this, this burn, this, this hurt on the inside, will I ever,
00:29:23
Speaker
be able to be in a space where I don't feel so hurt and broken in this space. And another question was,
00:29:33
Speaker
How long is this going to take? Like this really hurts. Yeah. Like I asked those questions. This really hurts. Give me a timeframe. Give me, and that's, what did your therapist say about that? Cause that's what sometimes people think. It's like, okay, so time heals. Isn't that the first question you're, the first question you're talking about? Time heals all wounds. Well, what's the revelation she kind of giving me? And she says, it's not the time.
00:30:03
Speaker
is what you do at the time. That heals the world. She told me that and I grasp hold to that. I grasp hold to that piece that if I would become actively a part of the process of my healing, then ultimately over time, I will begin to reap the result of that healing.
00:30:31
Speaker
And so that looked like for me, reading books, prayer meditation, serving in my community other widows. That looks like for me going to therapy. That looks like for me getting my endorphins, my happy endorphins going by working out, being present in the moment.
00:30:54
Speaker
being open about my feelings with my children and allowing them to see my hurt and expressing it to people around me and not, you know, trying to hide it from them. This is what I call the work. This is the work of navigating the valley experience that you are in. And so
00:31:18
Speaker
That's where the healing comes from. If you lay on your bed and just lay on your bed in dormancy, you're not going to get the results you want of continuing your personal journey in the life that God has given you. And so I began to activate that. When it came to the book,
00:31:45
Speaker
As I was researching and reading and just really trying to be a part of my process, being as present as I can, I came across a startling statistic that says, one, that there are 700,000 widows each year in the United States. I'm like, that's a lot of widows. That told me that I was not in this alone.
00:32:11
Speaker
The other part of that is of that 700,000 on a 14 year average after they have lost their spouse, right? That those women would pass away from broken hearted syndrome. So one of the things was one, I don't want to be
00:32:37
Speaker
are part of the second part of the second part of that statistic because God has given me tools by which I can use to heal. And so the other part is that I needed to, because of who I am naturally, share and serve this information, educate other people,
00:33:03
Speaker
about this process. And so that's where the book came in. And so the book of course was therapeutic for me in nature, but it also was an expression of service.
00:33:16
Speaker
And there, I use the background or the backdrop of the widow found in second Kings.
Inspirations from Biblical Stories
00:33:23
Speaker
If you read the Bible where the widow finds that our husband dies, the creditor comes to take her son. And she goes to what they call a profit of that day, which I would say she went to her pastor and she expressed her brokenness. She expressed all that was happening with her. And he asked her this question.
00:33:47
Speaker
What do you have in your house? And she answers him like this. She says, I have nothing but a small vial of oil. He tells her, okay, bring me that small vial of oil.
00:34:06
Speaker
And what I want you to do is go to each of your neighbor's homes, and I want you to ask them for containers. And then I want you to borrow these containers. And I want you to bring all those containers back to your home, take your sons, go in your home, shut the door in privacy. And I want you to take that small vial of oil, and I want you to begin to pour it into these containers. And as she began to pour, the oil began to replicate and multiply.
00:34:35
Speaker
As long as she was pouring out, the oil kept flowing. And so here's a couple of service. Listen, this is what I grasp for that. And I've read that before. I've probably heard people teach and preach about that before, but the insight that I got
00:34:54
Speaker
I was on a beach in the Cayman Islands. My son was playing in a tournament and I get this revelation from rereading this. And he was like, first of all, you have something. It's already in you to heal. And I think a lot of times we take those things that are small
00:35:15
Speaker
Right? Or we deemed that they're small and not valuable. And God is saying, I can still use that. He said, I can use that. Right? You know, we think it's nothing because we've lost so much. We figure out, figure what we have left is nothing. But God and that taught me how to celebrate what's left over.
00:35:36
Speaker
Oh, that is so beautiful. And I did not know that story, by the way, Nicole, I'm not versed in the Bible. And so I am so grateful for you sharing that. It is so beautiful and so insightful and just different, like I got from it service in that moment of like, when you give, you know, it just kind of multiplies. But then with the other side, like what you said is like the little that we have,
00:36:00
Speaker
we can make it bigger. And like you said, that God can help us then in that journey with that little bit that we may have. So for you, what was that little bit that you had that duplicated? What was that that God basically worked through you? Was it faith? Was it, again, back to service? What was it in you that was your oil? What was your widow's oil?
00:36:26
Speaker
I would say that it was service because I really, you know, in a therapy session, I think I cried the first, every day, the first week in therapy because I was like, I'm just never gonna be the same. And she was like, what do you mean you're never gonna be the same? And I was like, I'm never going to be the same, charismatic, on fire,
00:36:55
Speaker
ambitious, excited about life person again, because I was so broken on the inside. I was like, I don't think I'm going to even be able to help people because I'm so broken. I'm, I'm so, um, confused and not sure about my future. And she, she, she gave me another insight was that
00:37:23
Speaker
No, you are the same person. You're the same person. What you're responding to and what you don't realize that the person that you had in your life was a major player in your life. And so just because you lost him, right? You may have lost him, but you have not lost the essence of who you are or your purpose. And I think when we lose things, we think we've lost everything.
00:37:55
Speaker
And so that resonated with me. It's like the oil that you have, I'm going to... Yes, yes. And for some women, if the role of wife was the only role, right, that they had, it's hard to figure out and try to navigate in the new normal because that's all you knew was how to be a wife.
00:38:18
Speaker
But truly, my life was really full. I was a parent. I am a sister. I'm a minister. I have all these things, all these other roles. And the Lord was like, I need you to celebrate what's left over. So taking that oil, he's saying that I can work with that. And the empty containers,
00:38:36
Speaker
was people. He gave me that revelation. He says those empty vessels that you borrowed to pour into, those are people. And so as long as you pour in, I'll give you more oil. I'll give you more energy. I'll give you more insight, right? And so I'll give you more strength. I'll make you go further along in your healing process.
00:39:00
Speaker
And so that's where the book comes from.
The Widow's Oil Book Discussion
00:39:02
Speaker
I wrote this book, The Widow's Oil, Discovering God's Purpose in the Mist of Grief. And this book kind of captures all of those therapy insights, all those reading the Bible insights, insights, things I got through meditation and prayer, and really strategically giving people spiritually and practical steps for living through the grief process.
00:39:29
Speaker
Oh, so beautiful. So beautiful. What a gift. And now what an amazing now service that you're doing because with writing this book, right? So you were serving prior, you know, like you had said before, the community you developed and the community that was there to support you in your grief journey was one that you had developed
00:39:49
Speaker
in your years of marriage too. So service is just what you've always done. It's not that suddenly you've turned to doing service. That is just part of who you are. So now you continue that with that oil, like we say, that widow's oil, and now serving now with this book, serving now as a grief coach and wellness coach, correct, as well. And now serving, I'm sure, in this other capacity as opening this door of
00:40:18
Speaker
Communication about talking about grief in your own I'm assuming Circle of community as well in your ministry as well. Are you talking more about grief as well? Oh Yes, most definitely I am I created a community of my own called the 700 ad emotional and wellness group on Facebook and that group is
00:40:44
Speaker
is me cultivating a community where other widows of people who have experienced trauma of a major loss can come together and share. So I'm using that and in the ministry that I currently serve in, we are developing a focus for grief and therapy where it can kind of look like therapists that are professional therapists that are a part of our ministry coming together
00:41:10
Speaker
with some of the other spiritual ministry leaders and create an intersection or an integration ministry for people to get the help they need when they're going through things. So I am developing that as well.
00:41:24
Speaker
That's amazing. And that's just in a year and a half of being a widow. Imagine what's to come, Nicole. I'm like in awe of you right now, in awe. And all this even amidst the pandemic, too.
00:41:41
Speaker
That is just wonderful, wonderful how you're giving back. Now, let me touch upon your children then. So you seek therapy for yourself. Did your children who are, like you said, young adults, that they also see therapy as one of their tools?
00:41:59
Speaker
Did they use mom as a tool? What was their kind of interaction with you with this grief journey? And like you mentioned as well, the dynamics of a family change a lot. And I know that very well. I've had two of the members of my family pass away. So I noticed it very early on when my sister died, how quickly things like that changed. So if you can touch upon, sorry, I said too many things here and all. So first let's touch upon the grief journey of your children.
00:42:30
Speaker
So yeah, they partake in some sessions themselves, especially my younger son. We were able to get him into a couple of sessions. So the athletic team in Colorado State University had someone that he was able to see and talk to, just kind of help him maneuver and navigate that process. So he was doing that.
00:42:55
Speaker
And then in between those sessions and then talking together as a family and when big days will come up like Christmas.
00:43:05
Speaker
We did something totally different. Um, we got an Airbnb in Denver and brought the whole family there. We didn't do our normal at the house, you know, celebration and kind of thing. We shifted that, um, when my husband's birthday or my anniversary, you know, I traveled and not from a space of trying to, um,
00:43:29
Speaker
distract myself because I don't believe you can distract, really distract yourself from the grief process, but I wanted to kind of manage and control my environment while I'm going through the process, if that makes sense.
00:43:45
Speaker
That makes so much sense because it's basically, you already know it's going to be hard. So why not going ahead and creating maybe new traditions, new things. Sometimes holding onto traditions is amazing, but sometimes we can't duplicate them either because the person that was there in those traditions is no longer
00:44:06
Speaker
physically there anymore.
Creating New Traditions in Grief
00:44:08
Speaker
So by creating new traditions for some families, that's actually something that helps them in their grief journey. And it was the case for you. So doing a travel for Christmas instead of what you used to do before, going away for your birthday or anniversary, that's what's worked for you as well.
00:44:26
Speaker
Thank you for sharing those and for sharing a little bit about the dynamic too for your children and that support. You mentioned something earlier before about how it is important not only whether it is to go to therapy or talking to a friend about your grief journey. How has your role now as a grief coach been now?
00:44:49
Speaker
Because you're now somebody something to talk to. No, busy, busy, busy. One of the things, I don't care what it is that you do in service, if it's grief coaching or life coaching or even counseling, spiritual counseling, right? You always have to keep yourself in a place where you're feeling up and you're feeding your own soul.
00:45:14
Speaker
You can't be in a space where you don't have any boundaries, where you're always feeding and being a blessing to others and not reciprocating that for yourself. You're not going to be this person. Yeah, you got to take care of yourself in the process. And so I've created boundaries for that. And yes, I'm busy and yes, I get an opportunity
00:45:42
Speaker
to service a lot of people, but I am very careful about my emotions. One of the things I noticed that shifted for me was my sensitivity to anxiety.
00:45:55
Speaker
I've had anxiety before in my life, but never in the way that I have it in my life now. And so I have to be careful to manage those moments in my life as well when I experience overwhelm. And so I have to work out, you know, I have to do, you know, the massages and I have to be involved in prayer. Those are some of the, what I call healing habits
00:46:19
Speaker
that I have to employ just to live day to day. And so the life I probably could before my husband passed, I probably could get away with not doing a lot of the self-care, but now it is a very intricate part of who I am and who I am becoming.
00:46:40
Speaker
Wonderful. Wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Okay, Nicole, as we wrap up, what are some of the tips you would give to somebody that maybe is listening to this and they're just starting their grief journey?
Embracing Emotions and Healing Habits
00:46:59
Speaker
You've given some already. You said even the ones that worked for you. What other tips would you give?
00:47:07
Speaker
So, so one of the things is feel it, feel every emotion, be present in every emotion and being present in every emotion motion does not discount where you are or where you will get to. What it, what it says is that I'm open to healing. And so feeling everything
00:47:34
Speaker
Um, that is happening every ups, every down, really feeling that. And as I feel that, right, as I am being present in a moment and I am having those feelings, I see that, um, God allows me to get one, one step further. So acknowledging those feelings. One other thing is in acknowledging those feelings, right?
00:48:05
Speaker
I know that what I'm feeling speaks to the relationship that I was in, the level of the relationship. It speaks to the love that I had for the person. It speaks to how I honored them. And so the deeper I feel those feelings, I can know and I can accept
00:48:31
Speaker
that I'm supposed to feel this way because of the love that I had for that person. So, so I would say that feel your feelings, right? The other part of that to me would be in feeling those feelings, just being gentle and kind to yourself, right? Not trying to rush your process, but just taking it. Some people say take it one day at a time. I say take it moment by moment because those moments and grief shifts.
00:49:02
Speaker
from the smell of something cooking, to watching a couple holding hands, your emotions can shift just like that. And so take each day and time moment by moment. So feeling those feelings, taking each day moment by moment, and then really trying to activate
00:49:28
Speaker
some healing habits in your life. And you don't have to do all of the stuff that I said that I do. I think those things came to me over time. Because when you're grieving, sometimes just getting out of bed, showering and being able to, you know, to hot curl your hair is probably the best that you can do. But you put lipstick on some type of healing habit in your life.
00:49:51
Speaker
Yeah, that's something. That's something for those of us who are breathing. You know, what comes natural to most people? It's like, girl, I brushed my teeth today, so I'm going to celebrate God for that. Because it can be tough. So that's what I would say.
00:50:10
Speaker
You said something, another, again, tapping into even the name of this podcast, Grief Gratitude and the Grain Between. You just said something, being grateful to God for that, and that aspect of the gratitude of just, like you said, the smallest little things in our day, the fact that we got out of bed, the fact that we were able to brush our teeth in this moment of grieving, just already exercising.
00:50:35
Speaker
The action of attitude, the attitude of gratitude, sorry, you see here I am with my words, the attitude of gratitude already starts shifting also how you feel. Yes, no, definitely. The more that, well, it shifts the focus off of me.
00:50:59
Speaker
You know, it shifts the focus off of me. Cause I think you're, when you're in grief, you're dealing, everything you're dealing with is about you.
The Healing Power of Gratitude
00:51:07
Speaker
And so when I began to be grateful to God for the things that are good in my life, you know, my husband is gone, but I still have three amazing children. They're doing well in spite of what we're going through. Um, some widows, um, maybe they didn't have any insurance and they had to move out of their homes. That's not my case.
00:51:27
Speaker
you know, you never know what a person is going through in the middle of their grief journey. So all of those things I am grateful to God for and with that it shifts the focus of me on to helping somebody that may need my help.
00:51:46
Speaker
Wow, thank you so much. Thank you so much, Nicole, for everything. Now, Nicole, tell us how people can get in contact with you. I will share these website links on the show notes. So social media, you mentioned a few Facebook group, you have Instagram, you have then your book. Just kind of touch upon those as we close off our conversation.
00:52:12
Speaker
Yeah, great. So you can follow me on Instagram or Facebook at Nicole Bird. It's N-I-C-K-C-O-L-E-B-Y-R-D. My name is my handle. And then if you want to be a part of our Facebook group, you just need to put in the search 700 AD, 700 AD.
00:52:35
Speaker
Um, and you'll find our emotional wellness group and my book, the widow's oil in both formats, whether it be Kindle or paperback, you can find on Amazon. Wonderful. Amazing. Let me mention my website. Let me, yeah, let me mention, I'm sorry. My website, um, where you can sign up for grief coaching and things of that nature is, uh, www.nicolelives.com.
00:53:02
Speaker
N-I-C-K-C-O-L-E-L-I-V-E-S dot com. Amazing. That's it. Thank you. Thank you. So wonderful. I took so many notes of all the different tips you gave. I took the note of the widow's oil. Now I'm going to have to read it, go find it in the Bible, and read it. Do you know what you said? It's in the second Kings, you said, correct?
00:53:29
Speaker
Yeah, let me give you the exact verse. It's second Kings chapter four. Yes. One through seven. Second Kings chapter four, one through seven. Perfect. Thank you so much, Nicole. And thank you for your time. Your wisdom. You're so welcome. Thank you so much for having me. Sharing your journey with us. Thank you.
00:54:00
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:54:28
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.