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104. Home is Within Me- With Liza Peterson
84 Plays3 years ago
Liza Peterson is a certified yoga instructor and reiki practitioner. She has a theatre background and has performed in many shows throughout her lifetime throughout the New York City area. She has also taught theatre and the performing arts to children of all ages. When she is not on the stage, you can find her in the ballroom, dancing and competing in ballroom and Latin dance.
After the loss of both of her parents over the last 4 and a half years, she became passionate about helping others who are also grieving. To help support others on this grief journey, she created an Instagram page called @wingsofresiliencehealing. Feel free to reach out to her, she would love to hear your story and support you.
If you'd like to check out the other interview I did with LIza checkout episode number 17 tittled Mourning Doves.
Contact Liza Peterson: https://www.instagram.com/wingsofresiliencehealing/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or for coaching: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
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Transcript
Selling Memories and Finding Home
00:00:01
Speaker
Selling that house felt like selling a part of my parents. It felt like I was selling my memories and the last place that they both were. So I really had to come back to that concept of home that I always like to compare in the movie The Wizard of Oz with Dorothy, who spends the entire movie looking for how do I get home? How do I get back to
00:00:30
Speaker
Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, I believe. And so literally the whole movie is about how does Dorothy get home? And of course, those that know the story know at the end of the movie, she finds out that home is inside of her.
Podcast Introduction: Grief and Healing
00:00:48
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:56
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:12
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:33
Speaker
Thank you for joining us today for today's episode with Liza Peterson. Liza and I have become friends because she's already been a guest on the podcast before the episode called, Oh my good morning doves.
00:01:50
Speaker
Did I? Yes, it was right, right. If you have not heard that episode, go back and listen to that one before you listen to this one and you can get a more rounded story of what happened before. So here we are recording
Liza Peterson: Journey of Grief and Healing
00:02:07
Speaker
now. Liza is a yoga instructor, a Reiki practitioner, and a mom of four beautiful children.
00:02:14
Speaker
And she is also in the performing arts. She studied musical theater or musical theater, right? Yeah, musical theater. She also does ballroom dancing. You didn't put this in your bio. She does ballroom dancing as well. And now with the passing of both her mom and her dad in the past four and a half years, she is now on a mission to help other people also that have gone through
00:02:40
Speaker
similar journeys as hers and supported. And so she created an Instagram account called Wings of Resilience Healing. And she's happy to connect with people on there too. So listening to your story today again, I'm so happy to see you. Welcome, Liza.
00:02:58
Speaker
You too.
Dance as a Healing Modality
00:02:59
Speaker
And I think I did mention the ballroom on my bio. Let me see. I don't see it. Oh, yes, you do have it there. You do have it there. But it's an important point to make because ballroom, as I just shared with two friends, ballroom and Latin dance have been a wonderful part of my life. But
00:03:21
Speaker
when my parents passed away became a real healing modality for me. So I had to make sure we plugged that. Oh yeah, absolutely. You know, that is so true. Like there's so many different tools that we use and we don't realize how much the arts play a part in that healing for a lot of people.
00:03:39
Speaker
And sometimes we end up discovering new forms of expression that we didn't even know we had before. I mean, you have studied musical theater and so forth before. So dance, of course, is part of that musical theater aspect. But was ballroom dancing something you did prior to your parents' passing? Or is it something new? Yes. My husband, Matt, and I actually started doing ballroom dancing to our wedding. I can't translate to that healing for a lot of people.
00:04:05
Speaker
And then sometimes we end up discovering new forms of expression. Oh my, what is going on? You guys, do you hear this? My watch is talking. Where is this? It's a musical theater aspect, but was ballroom dancing. I never told him to talk. Okay, this is so weird. It's talking about my theater background and my musical theater and ballroom. What is this? What's a little freaky? My watch just started,
00:04:33
Speaker
that is a little freaky i'm sorry it did the watch just started talking that's why i'm like i'm sorry i was like it totally maybe you never know it started giving me a whole description of and i'm like where is that voice coming from i have my headset on i looked at like they're talking about me ballroom healing with dale did you hear that oh my goodness i'm like what is up with that
00:04:57
Speaker
Okay. Has that happened to you before? Have you ever had like any technical, sorry for that loop, right? That totally threw me off right there, but I was so, so for you listeners, sorry about that, but totally segue here. Liza, has that ever happened to you? Like things like that with technology or little glitches like that that you end up thinking, wait a minute. Yeah.
Signs and Presence of Lost Loved Ones
00:05:21
Speaker
The reason I'm saying like, you know, tongue in cheek, but not really that it could be my parents is I've had a lot of, if that's what you're asking me, a lot of experiences of things I couldn't really explain otherwise. Like we had this love sign that we got at Target that lit up and it's battery operated. And I remember one time it just went on and I'm like, that's so funny. Cause I don't think it has the batteries in it. I think they needed to be changed. And sure enough.
00:05:48
Speaker
it lit up the word love and there was no batteries in it. And I believe my mom hadn't passed at that point. So I was like, I think it's my dad. That's why I was like, Oh, well they are, they are, you know, spewing back to me what I just said about ballroom dancing, you know, being, you know, healing tool for me about musical theater.
00:06:09
Speaker
I wanted to make their presence known from the beginning of the podcast. Who knows? Because literally I didn't say like Siri, I didn't say whatever this, I don't even know how to ask the phone, the watch to talk. I don't even know what command I'm supposed to tell it, but the fact that it just started to talk, who knows? Anyway, so yes. So ballroom. So you and Matt had been taking lessons. I totally got this. Okay. So we're back to the ballroom.
00:06:35
Speaker
So when we were getting married, we started taking ballroom lessons to create our wedding dance and learn how to do social dancing. And we ended up both actually liking it so much that we stayed with it together through the birth of our second child, Charlie. And then we got to a certain point where Matt was like, I love this, but it's not really practical for both of us to do this. And so then I started dancing with
00:07:02
Speaker
my partner and I've had various partners over the years, but I've taken little breaks to have babies, but pretty much have stayed in the ballroom. That is so wonderful. Now then, how did that then become now also something that has allowed you in your grieving journey? I know you did a dance in honor of your mom, so would you like to talk a little bit about that?
00:07:29
Speaker
Yes. Yeah, it's completely changed. At first, you know, this was something we did for fun socially. You know, I enjoyed it. Then I enjoyed the performing aspect because we do a yearly show every year on the Tarrytown musical stage that's near where I live. But really, it started when my dad was sick. I started to think about how could I make a dance to honor him.
00:07:54
Speaker
And I did a dance to the song, My Heart Belongs to Daddy. And I was able to do that for my dad while he was still alive, meant so much to me, meant so much to him. And then after my mom passed away suddenly, I really felt like I didn't know what was gonna happen. I wasn't prepared and I did not get to say goodbye. So I looked at it as an opportunity
00:08:24
Speaker
to create a piece that for intensive purposes was the goodbye to my mom that I never got to do. So we did this beautiful song. I don't know if you know the singer Jim Brickman, but he's so talented and it's called a mother's love. I call it the gift of a mother's love. And it's a beautiful, beautiful piece that I not only was able to perform,
00:08:48
Speaker
at our showcase, which because of COVID was recorded that year. But I then went on and was able to do it live at a couple of different competitions. And every time people would say to me that knew me and even the judges who maybe didn't know me, but could read between the lines of the message that my message was delivered. So it's just taken on a whole different
00:09:14
Speaker
way of using dancing and moving energy. I've used it a lot to kind of move the energy of grieving. You know, I feel like I'm in a funk.
00:09:25
Speaker
I'm like, let's go ahead and follow me. And since we last spoke, let's see, when was that? June of 2020. Okay. Thank you. Because the episode aired probably like October. So I'm trying to think when it even aired at that time in 2020. But yes, you were one of my... Because I started recording March of 2020.
Yoga as a Path to Healing
00:09:46
Speaker
And so you were one of the...
00:09:48
Speaker
first guests I had that year and a lot has changed since and that's the reason we decided to do this follow-up podcast because so much has changed since that episode. So in the tools that you have been using since you've added then also now yoga and that had kind of started being part of your
00:10:10
Speaker
of your process then, but since then you've become a yoga instructor since we last talked. So talk about that, because you talked about moving your body and using movement as also moving your grief through and dance. How has yoga and then becoming a yoga instructor been part of that journey for you? Well, my yoga journey, I really started around the time my dad was diagnosed with cancer.
00:10:38
Speaker
And for the longest time and to this day, really, it has saved me. The practice of yoga, the healing aspect of yoga, the ability again, to move your body, to move energy, to distract that what we call the monkey mind in yoga, to focus on your breath. You know, when we connect to our breath, that's your anchor. So when I always tell students, you know, whenever you find your mind wander,
00:11:06
Speaker
come back to your breath and remember that your breath is your anchor. So for a long time, yoga, you know, I was the student and I also went to a wonderful group of healers. I had very blessed with a big surprise, surprise, big, full of support, both for, you know, Reiki and healing and sound healing, but also,
00:11:33
Speaker
with yoga instruction and the beginning of last year, the beginning of 2020, I started to really just say, this is the year to become a yoga teacher. I mean, it had been on my radar quite a bit over the years and I feel like I wanted to do it not that long after my dad passed away and it was too soon. Then I wanted to do it again and my mom passed away. So it was never the right time. And then last year I still paused about it because it was a virtual training mostly.
00:12:02
Speaker
And I'm such a people person that I really saw myself doing it in person.
00:12:06
Speaker
But I will tell you a very funny story. My teacher who did the training, her name is Carla. She's amazing. She's up in Rhinebeck, which is not where I live, but it's a place that I visit very often. And my friend Kate and I would often take her classes when we were up in Rhinebeck. So it was always on my mind and in my heart that I wanted to do a training at Rhinebeck Yoga. But I never knew how it would come to be because Rhinebeck is a good hour and a half away. And with the four kids and knowing this was a 200 hour training,
00:12:36
Speaker
I was not sure how it was going to happen. And so she put it out and I kind of went back and forth in my mind and I was like, yeah, probably not now. And she literally texted me, I think it was like the last day to sign up. And she said, I don't know if you have any interest, Liza, but I just have this feeling that you're supposed to be there. And once she said that,
00:12:58
Speaker
I took also a little bit of like figuring out and she had said, you know, if you want it in person aspect, you can come up and a couple of us came, you know, with the masks because of COVID can get together in person. And so I was like, yeah. So then I went into the training, which is very intense, gratifying, exciting, but a lot of work. And then I finished the training last April and
00:13:28
Speaker
started doing some community classes here in our town of Chapel Claw in June. And by the end of the summer, I started teaching yoga at a wonderful place near our house called Homebody. The store that is in the front of the yoga studio, which is owned by the same wonderful Deanna, is called Home Beauty Wellness.
00:13:49
Speaker
And she basically gave me a wonderful opportunity, handpicked me out of my training, has been mentoring me, and I've been slowly flying my wings as a teacher. And it's been really super gratifying to be able to hold space for people, you know, when so many wonderful humans have done that for me.
00:14:06
Speaker
I remember when you were sitting in the car about to go in to go to, I think you were sitting, I think I was walking my dog and we were talking over the phone and I think you were sitting in your car about to go teach that first class, the trial one, I think it was. And you're like, I'm so nervous. I can't believe I'm going to be teaching. And it's like, now it's been almost a year and that's just so amazing. Yeah, it's just so nice to
00:14:34
Speaker
give back that's that's how it feels to me because this practice has been such a gift to me and to be able to give that to other people.
00:14:42
Speaker
is really gratifying. That's wonderful. And you are such a giver. The Instagram handle that you created and the posts you put there are just so inspiring as well. And for having gone through what you went through in that short period of time, losing your parents two years apart, and then it's been four and a half years since.
00:15:07
Speaker
and being able to share that with others that have gone through that and your space as well as opening up your heart as well at space and time for others is just so beautiful. I want to ask you a little bit more that, oh yes, I should allow the space for the thank you for the receiving. It's an honor. It's an honor to share my story and help people there as well.
Emotional Complexity of Selling Family Home
00:15:32
Speaker
It's beautiful. Now let's talk about what has occurred then since when
00:15:39
Speaker
Let's see, when we last spoke, things like the selling of your parents' home, all those kinds of things have not occurred yet. Let's go into, because we've talked since, I know a little bit of the details and emotional things that have occurred. So let's go a little bit into that aspect, as well as one of the things you also wanted to share, which was,
00:16:05
Speaker
trying to find closure around your mom's passing, which was a sudden it was an act and she got the circumstances where she got hit by a car and the circumstances around trying to find closure around that as well. So whichever one you want to target first, whether the home and that how that was part of your kind of grief journey of the
00:16:28
Speaker
the home that you grew up in, and then also the finding closure in a different way than what you thought was going to be it. Pick which one you want to go first. Well, it's interesting that you use the word closure because I already mentioned it as far as the dance that I created for my mom because she was hit by someone who was texting, I will add.
00:16:58
Speaker
and died suddenly and immediately. So there was no opportunity to prepare. There was no opportunity to say goodbye. And, you know, it's been a really hard process to find closure, you know, if you ever can, truly, when you lose something you love. And so I would say, you mentioned one of the big challenges for me was last fall, we were selling my parents' house and
00:17:27
Speaker
It was not the house that I grew up in, but it was the only other house they ever lived in. And to me, I really wrestled and we had this conversation with selling that house felt like selling a part of my parents. It felt like I was selling my memories and the last place that they both were. So I really had to come back to that concept of home that I always like to compare in the movie, The Wizard of Oz with Dorothy.
00:17:58
Speaker
who spends the entire movie looking for how do I get home? How do I get back to Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, I believe. And so literally the whole movie is about how does Dorothy get home? And of course, those that know the story know at the end of the movie,
00:18:18
Speaker
she finds out that home is inside of her and that to get to her actual physical home, she just has to click her heels three times and she's there. So as I was going through this very painful selling of the house, I kept trying to imagine that I was Dorothy because the truth is not only is home inside of me, but so is everything that I loved and appreciated about my parents.
00:18:44
Speaker
all those wonderful memories were not in the physical stuff in my parents' house. It's in me. It's in my heart. It's in my soul. And whenever I want to remember them and remember those times, just like Dorothy, I just have to close my eyes, right? And I'll be home. So that was something I really had to go through with the selling of that house. And I believe you were there the day that like,
00:19:11
Speaker
My brother and I October 4th
Virtual Connections and Friendship
00:19:14
Speaker
wasn't it? October 4th was that right? October 4th was the day my mom passed. Yes, but it wasn't close, but it was close to that date. I remember it was close to her. It was. OK, OK. October 1st.
00:19:27
Speaker
right? Either way people we have Liza and I have never met in person by the way as I'm we're talking as when we say we've developed a friendship and that I will talk this is the first time we're actually seeing each other face to face as we're recording this so as you're hearing all this if you hear me sniff I do not have COVID it's outside and inside allergies and it's so cold in New York while we're recording this today like 16 degrees with like
00:19:52
Speaker
Very cool. Look at me. I'm in Texas and I'm wearing a scarf. Okay. So Ken is wearing a scarf. And I'm in Texas and it's cold. So that was the selling of the house. And, you know, I've continued to have to remind myself of that. Cause there are times that I really do miss going to that physical house and connect that with my parents, our life together, our family,
00:20:22
Speaker
you know, the original I called the core for the original for Warner's Warner my maiden name, my parents, myself and my brother Ross. But when I find myself in that loop, I think about Dorothy.
00:20:36
Speaker
So that was step one. I need to digest that for a second because that was just so moving because I've only really seen that as a child, that concept of what you described there makes me see Wizard of Oz completely differently now. So I want to thank you for that.
00:21:00
Speaker
first off and for that association of the coming home and that really just home is within and the part of the memories I that just thank you for for sharing that that was a huge share I wrote that down as you were talking because it was like something that touched me so thank you I appreciate that well the Wizard of Oz has so many nuggets it really does if you you know step out of it just from a child's perspective
00:21:27
Speaker
about the theatrics of it, because that's incredible too. The messages are so deep. And the messages of home, you know, talking about, you know, that COVID, it's the same thing. You know, we've all had to kind of come to grips with being at home so much and realizing that like, that's just your physical space. Your actual home.
00:21:49
Speaker
is within you. And everything you need is right there. And that's a very tough lesson to learn. And as I said, even once I felt like I learned lesson, I had to go back and say, wait a minute. Your parents are not in the physical house. Their memories are not in the physical house. And stuff, I learned that too. Stuff is just stuff. When somebody passes away, nobody really wants your stuff,
Material Possessions and Identity
00:22:13
Speaker
right? Like my dad's t-shirt collection. I think I maybe mentioned that in the last podcast.
00:22:18
Speaker
It's just this t-shirt collection. It's just more stuff for people to sort out. You know, all his gadgets. My mom was very neat and had already cleaned out a lot of stuff since my father passed away, but believe me, there was still a lot of stuff. And that was a real lesson to me too. That things are just things. That's what they are. They're not the person. They're not at the end of the day, the thing that makes you who you are.
00:22:43
Speaker
Are they still in a storage or have you been able to go through the storage? Not really, to be honest with you. What happened was that the sale of the house happened so fast that eventually, you know, we just took everything out quickly. It was surrounding our whole house. And finally my husband got very smart and was like, if you don't have the heart to go through this now, let's just put it in the attic. And when you're ready, you're ready. Because every time, just by what I just said, I'd go through it.
00:23:11
Speaker
I would start to break down and it just didn't seem worth it. And because then I knew you are still associating your parents with this stuff. Yes, yes, yes. When you have learned this lesson, you can do it. You know, that's so true. You have to kind of remove yourself a little bit. And sometimes that removing is sometimes the aspect of time that just afterwards when you go back to it, then gives you that space to then see, wait a minute,
00:23:38
Speaker
I have not missed this in the past year that have not looked at it. I have not, you know what I mean? Like I have not even looked at it in the past year. Do I really need it? And this goes not only for things like this of when we've had loved ones pass away and dad attachment that we have to that, but it can also go as us, even as parents, all these little art things that we keep from our kids that that ends up accumulating that we're like, wait, do I need all of this?
00:24:06
Speaker
as well, you know, and sometimes we have to let some years go by and then like, okay, let's go back and see really, what do we keep? So that was smart. So I know you were about to go into the part of sharing the other aspect, and I paused you there because I wanted to digest on everything you had said there regarding home.
Seeking Closure After a Tragic Loss
00:24:26
Speaker
So thank you for sharing that. So share with us then the second part of this two part question. Right, which again is about
00:24:36
Speaker
closure. So I thought, so I had mentioned in the beginning of this that my mother was killed by somebody who was texting. And as part of that, he was charged with vehicular manslaughter, which sort of the irony of my mom's case is she lived in Connecticut and in the state of Connecticut. Within just a few days of her passing, I think it was October 1st, 2019, this law went into effect.
00:25:04
Speaker
and she was killed October 4th, 2019. The state of Connecticut had changed texting to be considered a felony, which all it really means is that the potential for jail time was more. So this gentleman looking at potentially one to three years in jail. Now, of course, I always wrestled with, doesn't matter because it's not gonna bring her back.
00:25:32
Speaker
And at the end of the day, this was an accident. He made a poor choice that caused my family and it will forever cause us real harm and hurt, but it was an accident. I had to keep telling myself, you know, he didn't try to kill my mom. It was a bad choice. So basically from almost the time he was charged on
00:25:56
Speaker
I was very involved with the case. I had a wonderful victim advocate through the Danbury court system.
00:26:03
Speaker
my mom's best friend Mary and I would talk, my dad's brother, my uncle Jeffrey, we would all have these like constant meetings about the case, about strategy, about what was going on. And a lot of it was delayed because of COVID. And just in general, the court system is extremely behind. And when we finally did talk to the prosecutor, he was telling us that he was just starting to try cases from 2017. And she died in 2019. So we were looking at
00:26:32
Speaker
a long time to wait for this court date. But the three of us, my mom's best friend and my uncle and I had all said that we would like to make a victim impact statement about my mom, about who she was, about her life, just again, just to make her voice be heard. And so that was always in the works. But we were always looking at
00:26:56
Speaker
could be years, literally. And so I would often sit there, and I try to remember this now knowing what I know now, that it would be difficult to continue to heal, and to be on this healing journey, and then pull be pulled back into it by having to make this victim impact statement and seeing the man who hit her, which I've never had never seen him. So I want to say that this was
00:27:25
Speaker
Several months ago, we had received word from the Danbury court that they were told that this man who hit her had passed away. And when I saw that, I was crushed. One, because he's still a person. And even with what happened, loss of life is loss of life. But more emphatically,
00:27:56
Speaker
I thought there goes my chance for closure. No more court case, cause there's no more person to prosecute. No more ability for the three of us to come together and keep in my eyes and in my heart, my mom's memory going. I also realized it was a way to distract me from my own personal grief because as long as I was focused on that court case, I was not focused on how much I missed my mother.
00:28:26
Speaker
about the fact that I didn't have a mother, that I didn't have parents. Like I didn't realize how much I had squashed that down and busied myself with the court case. So after that happened, I spent some time talking to my tribe, my circle of support. And the conclusion that they came to that resonated with me was
00:28:56
Speaker
Maybe this happened for a reason. For whatever reason, I was not meant to be in that courtroom. I was not meant to come face to face with the man who killed my mom. And that if I wanted closure, I would have to find it a different way. And I also realized too, that it made me really have to come to terms with this man.
00:29:24
Speaker
And how I felt because I really did feel like I needed to punish him. I needed to make a point. I felt like it was in my hands. Um, cause I don't think my brother would be upset with my saying he really didn't want to be in love with the court case. You don't want to know about this man. You don't want to know about the details. And I respect that in my brother because he was concerned that it would make him angry. So angry that he could never get past it. I realized my brother was pretty wise here.
00:29:53
Speaker
because I didn't realize how much anger I had held towards this person, even though again, it was an accident. I know he didn't do it on purpose and he was troubled in a lot of different capacities, but my mother went for all intensive purposes and I held a lot of angry anger and resentment towards him. And when you do that towards anybody, it's not healthy. It doesn't serve you. And it doesn't hurt that person. It hurts you.
00:30:23
Speaker
So what I ended up doing that made a huge difference is Kate, my both healer and very good friend who lives in New Jersey. I went down to New Jersey not long after I found out he passed away. And she had me write a letter to this man and basically write everything to him that if I was in that courtroom today, I would have said just to get it all out. I cried. I screamed. I did what I needed to do.
00:30:52
Speaker
And then we burned part of the letter. And then the other part of the letter, we went down to the Jersey shore and let it go in the wind. And I have to say after that, the good news, bad news, the grief came. I call it the grief. Massive grief come in about my mom and pretty much ever since because it was like, once that focus was taken away,
00:31:22
Speaker
on what really mattered, which is my relationship with my mom, my mother, her life, what she stood for, who she was, what she meant to me and my family and what she will always mean to us. And what I also found is I changed my perspective a bit about this man, which was I don't now don't have to take care of him or punish him or
00:31:51
Speaker
Let, let him go. And so to speak, whatever you believe for me, it's like God will take care of him and he will have to face his own fate and his own decisions. And in that way, I feel like a burden is released from me because even though at the end of the day, a court system would have decided this. I still felt like I, Liza wanted to decide this man's fate because of the pain he caused me in the family. But by realizing now that like he's not on this earth.
00:32:21
Speaker
God will take care of them. He will work out his fate with God. And now I can continue on in my path and remember my mom and do what I can do to heal my pain. So that has been the way I don't know that I would call it closure because what it ended up doing was just, you know, this, this is in a way opened me up to more pain because
00:32:48
Speaker
I realized that I was not really leaning into the reality of this.
Understanding Multifaceted Grief
00:32:53
Speaker
And that is today, if you were asked me what I'm grappling with, that I wasn't back then. I'm still in shock. My mom hadn't even gone a year at that point. And I think we were in the three-month shutdown. So there was so much going on. There were so many things. Yes, yes, yes. So I couldn't even lean into the reality that I am truly in.
00:33:15
Speaker
And how does it feel to be now actually feeling those emotions? And what do they show up or how do they show up? Do they show up in tears? Do they show up? How is grief kind of showing up now in the ways that it didn't show up before? Well, I was always a crier. I'm still a crier.
00:33:44
Speaker
But it's very different. I have since, and this is an important point to make. The one piece that I didn't have, I have had wonderful yoga teachers, wonderful healers around me, energy healers, dance teachers, friends, family. I never saw somebody who was specifically trained to deal with grief counseling. So what I finally did is seek a grief counselor. So now, only since the end of September,
00:34:14
Speaker
Um, I've been going to grief counseling and I have found that to be so cathartic. Um, and the grief, the sadness, the releases are bigger. They're deeper. They're more painful, right? You always, I take this from Kate because I repeat this all the time and it's so profound. You have to feel it to heal it.
00:34:39
Speaker
There is no, that's what I've realized. There is no way around it. I can sit here and say, I don't have to get sad. I don't have to get angry. I don't have to cry. I don't have to scream. Yes, I do. We all do. That's the only way it can get out, right? And my grief counselor is always like up and out, up and out, get it up and out, you know? And also in building a community of meeting other people who have lost people so that it's, you know, that you create effectively
00:35:09
Speaker
a grief group, a grief counseling group, other people you can go to. And I actually have been able to go away with some of them. You create community and you realize that there are so many of us right now that are grieving, that are going through loss. And, you know, I can not sit here and talk about grief and remind people that grief means so many things. I'm talking about the loss of my parents and the loss of physical life, but grief can be anything.
00:35:39
Speaker
Right? Grief can be the loss of a job. Grief can be the loss of a marriage. It can be the loss of the freedom that I think a lot of us feel now with COVID and shutdowns and restrictions and masks and all of that. Right? Grief encompasses a lot of different things. And I've realized even, and we've discussed this I think last time, secondary grief. Oh, so many. I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not just leaving the loss of my parents.
00:36:07
Speaker
I'm grieving the loss of having parents. I'm grieving the loss of having people to celebrate holidays with. I'm grieving the loss of having my parents to help me with my children. I'm grieving the loss of not having people to be able to ask like important questions that may come up like in my medical history or in my life or being able to call them and ask their opinion on something, right? I'm grieving the loss of that house still. I'm able to go there and having that safe space. You know, I felt that so much this morning.
00:36:38
Speaker
in my grief counseling, you know, that, that loss of just not having that like home to go to that's like my parents and safe and celebrating holidays and just being able to stop by there and just feeling at home with my parents because they, you know, they're my parents and they brought me here and were my, with me my whole life and knew me better than anybody. So that's also coming through a lot is that secondary grief. And I've been feeling a lot of like,
00:37:07
Speaker
Well, those people have parents and I don't. Oh, that person has a mom. I don't have a mom anymore. And I know you and I were talking a little bit last night about people like being around people who might complain about their parents and then just feeling a deep sadness because it's like, well, I wish my parents were here to complain about them. And people do it very unknowingly. But, you know, as a mother of two teenagers, and I think you are as well,
00:37:33
Speaker
That's what it's like. It's like teenagers feel left out for so many different reasons. But it doesn't get easier, unfortunately, when you're an adult and when you have lost. Because any time you see somebody have something that you had but don't have anymore. It's a reminder again. Yeah, it's a reminder again. And yeah, it could be triggering. And there's a point in which maybe it doesn't trigger you as much, you know, anymore.
00:38:03
Speaker
But yeah, it's always going to kind of just be there in the back of your mind and thoughts, you know. So while that is so much that you shared, let's go a little deeper into just how did you find
00:38:18
Speaker
Your grief counselor was it referral was it somebody else, how did you find your grief counselor because finding someone that you can connect with that either it's in the grief counselors counseling space, whether it's a grief coach, whether it's a grief support group with other peers that are
Importance of Grief Counseling
00:38:37
Speaker
grieving.
00:38:37
Speaker
those things are there as tools and not everyone necessarily goes that route in their grief journey, but can you share a little how you found your grief counselor? And because that, I think that's important to talk about a little too. Absolutely. It's actually kind of cute. So Kate, who I mentioned, she grew up with this wonderful grief counselor and she's also an energy healer and
00:39:07
Speaker
We, her name had come up a few years ago and for whatever reason, we didn't meet each other or connect. And we were at a coffee place in a closed town called Tarrytown where I danced. And we ran into this grief counselor who again is somebody that Kate grew up with. And, you know, we were kind of talking and Kate and I walked away and she's like,
00:39:34
Speaker
It's so funny. Why would we be connecting at this point? Like you haven't talked in so long, like we're always very, very fond of each other and really like each other and respect each other's work. But like, why now? And she's like, you, you, Liza, she's here for you. I'll say her name because she's fabulous. Lisa, Lisa, Liza, Lisa's here for you. So then it was like, hmm.
00:40:02
Speaker
have never seen somebody who specifically, and she has an MS and Grieven and grief. She herself lost her father at 17 years old. He was only 44. And she's been running groups and helping people of all ages for years and years and years and she's an energy girl. So it was like,
00:40:26
Speaker
Perfect alignment in alignment. And so not long after that, um, she does a lot of events around our town and oh, I know how I can't believe I forgot. Then it got even more like synchronous. The place that I taught yoga, Lisa was coming to do an event around that same time. And so we, that's why we had already, Kate and I had already started to talk about, then we ran into her at the coffee place.
00:40:52
Speaker
And then she was coming to the yoga studio where I taught to do an energy healing event. I went to the event after I had met her and I was like, I love her energy. I love everything about her. I think she would be a really big help to me. And then we started working together at that point. And it's just been so helpful to talk to somebody that this is what I call their bread and butter.
00:41:20
Speaker
You know, I've been able to ask her questions. I feel like I haven't been able to ask anybody else because this is her thing. She always says like, some people are CPAs, right? And they deal with taxes. She goes, I deal with grief. So there's nothing you can say, do scream cry. Like nothing shocks me. You're totally safe and protected. And her whole demeanor is beautiful. And like I said, she knows because, you know, I think she's in her mid thirties.
00:41:44
Speaker
She's been with a dad for a very long time. So to go to somebody not only who's trained in this, but who knows about this from experience is vitally important. And then it just turned out to be golden that her and Kate are close and grew up together. But it's made me become an even more force, even more forceful advocate
00:42:06
Speaker
for grief counseling and going to a grief group. Because it was something I honestly really wanted my mom to do after my dad died and she dug her gills and she didn't want to do it. And I couldn't speak from experience until now. And just having other women that I can go to and going to somebody like Lisa who knows so much about grief and who can answer these like questions that have been, some of them haunting me for so long, it just means everything to me.
00:42:33
Speaker
That is so important, especially also you being the mom of four. It's not only that you go for yourself, but the fact that now also you have tools to then help your children even navigate their own grief of losing both their grandparents in that period of two years, that is also vital as well, right? The tools that you yourself gain to then be able to help your children navigate their grief journey.
00:43:00
Speaker
And yes, and I can add one more piece. Something else that has changed for me also is I suffered another loss, unfortunately, which is a dear friend of mine. Her name is Fran. She passed away just two months ago yesterday. But the reason that I bring this up besides wanting to take a few moments to talk about this incredible human is I think immediately about her daughter.
00:43:22
Speaker
And how important it has been for me to be able to help her and how that loss also affected my daughter because this was somebody like we traveled to competitions with somebody. She loved Fran, you know, and she loved, she's very close to Fran's daughter. So that is also where Lisa has been incredibly helpful because I started to ask her advice about, you know, how can I help Fran's daughter? You know, how can I help my daughter?
00:43:45
Speaker
you know, how can I get through this? And, you know, it was, again, I say the word synchronistic, but I've experienced that in so many beautiful ways, which is Fran passed away on November 10th. That weekend, I was going away with Lisa and some of the other women and literally Fran passes away like right before we went. And I have to say the way that Lisa and those other women held my heart
00:44:11
Speaker
I'll never forget. It just, it meant so much to me. They made me feel so safe and so loved and so protected.
Supporting Grieving Children
00:44:18
Speaker
And then like I said, after that, I was able to really have a lot of conversations with Lisa on how do I help Fran's daughter? How do I help my daughter? You know, how do I grieve the loss of my friend? And, you know, I have to also get out Fran's message because Fran was somebody who taught me about living in the present moment.
00:44:40
Speaker
Fred had her daughter, I think she was 40. And within a few months of having her daughter, she found out that she had, I believe she first found out she had kidney cancer. Went into remission. Then a few years later, she found out she had breast cancer.
00:44:57
Speaker
went into remission and then six years ago, she found out she had lung cancer. And as we all I'm sure know, it's, it's a much harder cancer to treat. And I don't believe she ever went into remission. It was all about like treatment and being able to kind of keep things at bay. Well, as I said, on November 10th, sadly she lost her battle 55 years old, but incredible human who literally lived every day to the fullest. She lived fully in the present moment.
00:45:27
Speaker
and did not allow anything to infiltrate her that would take her energy. And her own daughter, who I just recently had a beautiful lunch with her and my daughter said, my mom used to, she has an older brother. She goes, she used to like, just look at us. We'd be like talking to her and she'd just be like taking us in. And I said, that's because your mom lived every day to her fullest.
00:45:52
Speaker
That's because your mom knew that every day could be her last day. So therefore she lived like it, you know? And then she went on to share with me, her daughter, that her favorite place to go was Cape Cod. And she said, my mom could sit at a beach and stare at that sunset for hours and hours and hours. And she goes, I would want her to go do stuff with me and she would just want to sit there. And I said, that's it again. The value of a sunset.
00:46:19
Speaker
the value of a beach, the beauty of just being able to be. Unfortunately, she had to learn it through deathly illness, you know, deathly, you know, basically terminal illness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, that, that unfortunately has happened since then. But I really feel like it's pushed me that when I'm in my stuff to be like,
00:46:41
Speaker
Don't waste a minute. Don't waste a minute, you know? And obviously my mom's passing, right? West side and right. West side and you didn't know that that was the last day you were going to.
00:46:50
Speaker
Talk to her, things like that. Yes, the learnings, the teachings that those that have died leave behind are part of that legacy, right? So now, Fran's daughter knows to live life in the present because she saw it in her mom. You, as her friend, also learned that as well. And so it's an amazing legacy that she has left.
00:47:12
Speaker
Now, as we're closing out, is there any other thing that you wanted to share on this podcast that I have not asked you, Ms.
Instagram: A Tool for Healing and Outreach
00:47:21
Speaker
Liza? Well, you know, you talked in the beginning a little bit about my Instagram, which is called Wings of Resilience Healing. And you were actually
00:47:35
Speaker
one of the main influences as to why I created that in the first place. But I wanted to go back to it because it's not only been a wonderful healing tool for me to share my story, but it also has been a wonderful way to create outreach. And that would be something I would want to really emphasize, which is for people to never feel like they're alone.
00:47:58
Speaker
because it's very easy to feel like you're alone and that you're the only one going through stuff, even now with COVID and everything that's come with it for all of us. But the more people that I meet and talk to and connect to, I realize that every single person right now to some degree is suffering, is dealing with loss, even if it's not an actual person. And to realize that whether it be me, who I'd love to talk to you and help you and support you, or whether it be in your own community,
00:48:27
Speaker
There are always people to talk to. There's always people who will support you and help you and make it better. And to not give up. That's why it's called wings of resilience feeling. We are all so resilient. You can handle so much more. I mean, I never thought that I'd be able to survive. It's been almost two and a half years since my mom died. Two and a half years without either parent. And even at 47, almost 48 years old, I still,
00:48:55
Speaker
wouldn't have thought I'd be able to get this far without my parents. So please don't give up. And if you need help, reach out to me, reach out to Kendra, reach out to people in your community, but don't give up.
00:49:07
Speaker
and realize that we are all going through it so we might as well go through it together. That is so important that you're sharing this because a lot of times too people realize after they've experienced a loss that sometimes the people in their own immediate circle might not end up being there for them in their grief because they may not know
00:49:28
Speaker
how to even hold space for them in that moment. Sometimes people don't have those type of people around them. So reaching out to either on Facebook groups, Instagram, or just in your own community, finding these support groups is so important so that you do not feel alone because it may not be in your own immediate circle, that you find that it may be outwardly that you do. But yeah, it is. And looking for, you know,
00:49:55
Speaker
you know, healing modalities too. I, you know, I might've mentioned this in the other podcast, but you know, for me it was dance and yoga and continues to be, but like whatever that is for you, like if you like to paint, if you like to read romance novels, if you, if you like to walk in nature, like find what lights you up and makes the dark days less dark.
Finding Joy Amidst Grief
00:50:16
Speaker
There we go. Repeat that one more time. That was just beautiful. Find what lights you up.
00:50:23
Speaker
to make the dark days less dark. Beautiful. Thank you, my dear friend, Liza. Thank you. And I am so grateful for you, for your friendship, for your love, for your support, because you are an amazing human. And you're trying to help so many people who need it. They need it.
00:50:44
Speaker
I am grateful for you and for you to connect with me after you heard one of your friends be on the podcast and reach out and that we've been able to develop this friendship and support each other in our own groups journeys has been beautiful. So thank you once again. Again, this was Liza Peterson on the podcast today. And again, you can find her on Instagram wings of resilience healing is her handle. So thank you, my dear.
00:51:11
Speaker
Thank you so much. It's such a pleasure, so honored. This is. I am. The honor is mine. Bye, honey.
00:51:23
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:51:52
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.