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Protecting Your Peace: Navigating Negative Nellys
0 Playsin 8 hours
In today’s episode, we’re tackling a challenge we all face—dealing with negative people. From friends to colleagues or even family members, negativity can seep into our lives in subtle ways, impacting our mood, productivity, and mental well-being. Join us as we explore how to set boundaries, maintain our own positivity, and avoid being pulled down by others’ toxic energy.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite, the podcast that is all about being authentic and talking nicely to yourself. We've covered that part, loving ourselves and speaking positively
Impact of Relationships on Well-being
00:00:17
Speaker
to ourselves. But let's dive in this week about relationships that are outside of ourselves.
00:00:23
Speaker
I'm here with my friend jen green a licensed clinical social worker and we're going to spend some time talking about negative relationships that weigh on us whether they come from partners family or or even our colleagues it can feel like the noise is constant dragging us down and dragging our energy down and our peace of mind but Even when we can't fully escape certain people, we can indeed protect our own well-being by taking steps to turn down the volume of
Role & Expansion of Sparrow's Nest
00:00:52
Speaker
negativity. And this is where my great friend Jen Green comes in. Hi, Jen. Good morning. I am so excited to have you here. And I actually got Jen right before she makes a big move to be with her man after how many years?
00:01:07
Speaker
Oh we often debate about how long it's been but I think it's been at least 12. 12 or so years she and Nels Green have been together they've been married for a few years but they've had this this relationship where they go back and forth and Jen is my former board president of Sparrow's Nest for those of you that are tuning in and saying I don't know the name sounded cool I don't know what in the world that is ah Sparrow's Nest is a charity in which we feed families that are facing a cancer diagnosis. And we're going to be expanding that and feeding people so you don't have to have children living in the home starting next year. We're going to do that in Dutchess County. We're in the Hudson Valley here in
Social Media & Authenticity Challenge
00:01:47
Speaker
New York. And um part of the reason the podcast is called that is because this charity is amazing, but dang, am I tired? And we have a great following. And a lot of us are tired. and you know
00:02:00
Speaker
I kind of started seeing all this stuff on social media, which isn't anything new. Jen and I are also going to get into social media on a different podcast, but I mean, you know, being that stuff can drag you down because a lot of it isn't authentic. A lot of this is filtered. It's just, you know, nobody's really living their best life 24 hours a day. And please don't tell me to take a thousand dollar conference and tell me how I can live my best life and balance it all well because Sometimes we just have to accept there are seasons. There are just seasons where you're doing more than other seasons and we've got to get mindfulness in our life and and we've got to figure it all out. But you know, Jen, I brought you in here because um we talked a lot last week about negative self-talk really two weeks ago.
Self-focus in Negative Environments
00:02:43
Speaker
And it's great if we can love ourselves, but sometimes we can't control the environment that we're in where other people maybe aren't so loving to us as we are to ourselves.
00:02:58
Speaker
I think that's really true, and I think we really don't have power over anybody else. right we can't We can maybe influence other people, right but we really don't have the power to change another person, so it really becomes our responsibility to focus on ourselves and how we handle things and how we view the world. and And, um, and in those environments or in those relationships to really be looking towards ourselves in terms of either how we're coping with it or, you know, setting boundaries or, um, even, you know, looking at Howard, Howard, somebody else's words are impacting us, right? We do have.
00:03:43
Speaker
in ourselves the power to believe what somebody's saying to us or not, right? And so so that is often a lot of the work that I do with clients and counseling is really looking at what do we have power over? What don't we have power over? And if we're spending all our time, as Niles would say, pointing the finger instead of pulling the thumb, right? I think it it can be frustrating because we really don't have as much influence on things outside of us as we do inside of us.
Origins of Negative Self-beliefs
00:04:13
Speaker
So what I'm hearing you say, which is just, you know, everything we're talking about is really the work has to be inside. You have to have a really good core foundation and a really strong, right? Positive opinion about yourself so that it's harder for all of this negativity to get in. Sure. And, and that's not easy, right? Because, you know, whenever, I think for me, one of the things that I've really developed over time through a lot of mindfulness practice, through a lot of self-reflection, which I've done a lot of on my own personally for, you know, decades, honestly, and this work is never done, right? We're never, we never get to the place where we're like, I'm good. I don't, I I don't have any more to do, right? There's always something. Because as soon as you clear one thing, something else shows up, right? And so um you know it's really a practice of looking at yourself. And um so much of our negative belief systems about ourselves are born in childhood from those early childhood experiences. And so I think self-compassion is so important to be able to, to
00:05:25
Speaker
you know, recognize
Handling Negativity at Work
00:05:26
Speaker
that we all, I really believe this is true. I think that we all get at a healthy dose at some point in our childhood of I'm not good enough. And it has different themes maybe, right? Based on that messaging we've gotten either from our caregivers who might mean well, right? It's not that, you know, anybody's intentionally trying to to hurt somebody, right? Or it could be ah other early adult caregivers in our lives. It can be, your peers on the playground. It could be a teacher. It could be, you know, somewhere you get this negative message that you then take in and then you don't even need somebody else telling you that because now you believe it about yourself. Right. And so every time that
00:06:10
Speaker
not good enough belief gets reinforced by some experience. Our brains have this negativity bias. So that's what we're going to notice. We're going to notice when those negative things get reinforced instead of maybe we are also getting positive messages, but, but our brain isn't taking those in quite as easily. Yeah. And you know what? That stinks. It does. It's like losing weight. You know, it takes me like two weeks to lose a pound, but like a day to gain it back. Like what, what, you know what I'm saying? So,
00:06:40
Speaker
it's really hard to reprogram ourselves, right? And so let's let's talk about that because let's be honest, there are some relationships that we we we can't completely, you know, get out of. It can be a coworker, you know, and your your boss, you know, you can't just say to your boss, fire them. You know, it can be a million different things. You know, what about things like boundaries and, and you know, limiting exposure? Like, are there are there ways that we can somehow drown out this noise.
00:07:12
Speaker
Well, I think it, you know, you are sometimes in environments, right? That can feel really negative. And so, you know, I think
Personal Anecdote on Social Interactions
00:07:23
Speaker
that it's for one being mindful of the impact of the negativity, right? And not participating in it when you can, because sometimes it's really easy when you're in an environment where maybe people are unhappy, right? They're unhappy, they're in their own lives or they're unhappy in the work environment.
00:07:41
Speaker
And you might be too, right? You might also be struggling. You might also not love your work environment or whatever it is that's going on for you. And so this is where, you know, being mindful of, am I participating in this? And can I choose not to participate in this, right? So that can limit your exposure to it.
00:08:03
Speaker
Um, you know, I remember at a job where, you know, during lunch, everybody was sort of congregate in one place and it was just everybody complaining, everybody complaining. And this was supposed to be my 30 minutes to have some downtime to recharge my battery.
00:08:21
Speaker
And i was it was having the negative it was having the opposite effect, right? And so then making a choice of, I'm going to go eat lunch somewhere else, or I'm going to find somebody else that I can go sit with during this period of time in my day that's really meant for me.
00:08:38
Speaker
so that it build you know that it builds me up, it doesn't said sort of create more negativity. so I think it can be tricky right depending on the relationship, depending on the environment, on who that negative influence is, but you know even when we think about you know the idea of gossip.
00:08:56
Speaker
right we can choose not to participate in it and people who do gossip, they're looking for people to participate in it, right? And so what happens is, is if that person keeps coming to you and you're not joining and you're not adding to it and and then they're gonna stop coming to you. They're not gonna seek you out for that anymore. I told a story, I think at the very beginning about that, that I, and and I'm not proud of the story, and here I am telling it again, so if you didn't hear it the first time. We
Understanding Gossip & Self-awareness
00:09:28
Speaker
all have those stories. We all have those stories, but you know a few years ago, you know, um
00:09:33
Speaker
I just got involved with this group of people that was very, very gossipy. And I wasn't feeling good about myself and, you know, I wanted to be with the cool kids and the friends and I hung out with that and then I started doing it. And, you know, as I was telling the story, I said, you know, and then six months later, I was sick. And you probably remember this, not sick, but I was dragging my right leg. I don't know if you remember that time. member So, you know, so I was saying to my board of directors, I was saying to people, you know, I don't know what's going on. They originally thought, you know, it could be ALS, which was very scary. And then maybe MS, and I did all these things. And finally, the doctor said, you know, there's lesions, you know, so we were like, oh my gosh. And he said, but you know, it could be something like stress. Like, are you doing something different? Are you? And I'm like, I'm just as busy at work. Like,
00:10:17
Speaker
I'm still not showering, I don't know. um and And then I started really thinking and I thought, oh my gosh, these relationships are are awful. They're awful relationships that have really, I am now, and listen, this is nothing against them. I have to take ownership from me. I started doing it, right? But then I didn't feel good about myself. Cause I'm talking about other people and then I'm not feeling good about me. And honestly, you know, I said that to him. I said, I don't know. Like I have some, some friend groups I think I need to really pull back from. And he said, that absolutely can be it. I am shocked that you figured that out. Like the seven minutes that I just diagnosed you and But but that's it's a thing. it's It's really a thing when you get into these groups with all these other negative people, you you know besides the fact that you know it's awful that you're talking about other people, you're really setting something in yourself that you know I called it the ick. It's really ick.
00:11:15
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I mean, but you what you said is so true, right? You weren't feeling good about yourself. And so you were more susceptible to being drawn into something like that and then participate in it. And so, you know, one of the things that I i often talk about with clients is this idea of when someone is gossiping, when someone is talking negatively about something else, it's really more a reflection of where they're at, a reflection of them versus you, right? You might be the target of it, which doesn't feel good. It never feels good to be the target of somebody's gossip or negativity, but it really is really more about the person who is gossiping. And like for you to then be able to stop and say, Oh my gosh, I'm participating in this, right? That takes that really important aspect of self-awareness, right? It's really hard to grow and change without what I like to say, holding up a mirror.
00:12:11
Speaker
right We have to hold up the mirror and say, what is going on for me? Why? Why am I participating in this negative talk about other people? What is it that's going on for me? And so being able to pause and hold up that mirror with compassion, right not with judgment, but with compassion for ourselves to say,
Expressing Discomfort in Negative Settings
00:12:32
Speaker
What is it? What is it right now that's going on for me that I'm choosing this and then it just, again, it doesn't make you feel better. Sometimes people think like, oh, this is, this feels good and it might in the moment, but afterwards it doesn't feel so good. It doesn't really help us.
00:12:48
Speaker
So what do you recommend for people that are in these negative relationships that they just don't feel they can get out of? you know um are there Are there coping mechanisms if they're in work environments? you know Yes, during lunchtime. you know Should they Should they be saying something to these people? Should they instead just really work more on them? I mean, you know, there are just plenty of of people, you know, that have come to me recently and said, I wish you would do something about the workplace because my workplace is just so negative. So what do you suggest? I mean, obviously when you can, you know, draw yourself away from them, that is a great start.
00:13:38
Speaker
um I mean, I love the idea of having the power to say something, right? That using our voice is so important. And you know I think that effectively communicating that to somebody is not, you always do this or I don't like when you, right? Like people are gonna get defensive. sure um It's more about when you do this, when you say this, I feel this.
00:14:06
Speaker
Right. Or I'm uncomfortable. Right. It's it's really using those I statements about your own experience so that people are more apt to hear you. Right. Because if people are defensive, they're not going to hear anything you're saying. They're going to think about how do I defend myself in this situation? So, you know, I think using your voice and speaking up when that's an option. Right. You have to know your environment. You have to know who your audience is. If it's your boss and you know they're They're going to get defensive no matter how you say
Setting Boundaries in Family Relations
00:14:36
Speaker
it. You have to be thoughtful about that. But I do think because maybe those other folks around you aren't aware of the impact of the conversations or what they're saying or right. So it may actually help them develop some self-awareness also. So I think using your voice is always a good option. And, you know, I think sometimes
00:14:59
Speaker
you know, we tell ourselves that we can't leave a situation that we can't leave an environment. And I, you know, I think that sometimes we have to consider that too, right? Depending on how toxic it is, depending on the impact it's having on us. Um, I left a work environment because it was affecting my health, right? I had to decide now, I know that I was really lucky that I had,
00:15:26
Speaker
the opportunity to do that. Um, and not everybody does. So, you know, if, if you know, you can't leave the environment, then you're, you're kind of stuck having to figure out how best to navigate it. But I think it's also good to challenge ourselves to say, do I really have to stay in this or do I have another option? And the same is with, with friends and and relationships. I mean, you must see so much of this just in the work you do.
00:15:54
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I think that, you know, family is always more challenging. right As we're getting ready to have holidays, you know, the holidays are coming quickly and so family can be really challenging and you know, I think being honest with ourselves about, you know, maybe there is a way to limit how much time we spend with certain families. That's okay. That we often feel this like obligation that we have to suffer through this. And I think it's good to challenge that, right? To say, okay, what, what feels good to me? You know, can I still honor my values or morals about, you know, spending time with family?
00:16:40
Speaker
without it having to be full of suffering. you know sure And so really sort of deciding for ourselves what's good for me in this situation that I can still feel good about. right um and And so I do think that's trigger it's even trickier when it's somebody who lives in your own home with you. right right I think that that those things aren't always as easy to navigate, where when it's, I think, friends or other people, you know, it may it might be easier to sort of make decisions about how much time am I going to choose to spend with this person. And I often think people feel this sense of obligation, well, this is the right thing to do. And that would be the thing I would challenge is why? Why is that the right thing to do? If it's causing you suffering, let's really look at that and and dive into where does that belief come from?
Childhood Beliefs & Brain-focused Therapies
00:17:31
Speaker
Sure, because, you know, we're we're told, you know, this is this is your family. We're all family. We stay together. we So, you know, you have this just kind of drilled into you, you know, no matter what, right? Like that's the unspoken part, no matter what, no matter what they say, no matter what they believe, no matter what they... And sometimes I think, you know, we just get through an election where, you know, half of the country is, you know, um disappointed, half of the country is not.
00:17:58
Speaker
you know even setting boundaries with things like that because you are going to be a mixed company especially when it comes to family yeah you know saying there will be no politics or no religion or whatever you know subjects you know are going to be triggering and then cause some some negativity and you know i think my next question would be for those that stay in relationships, right? in in In physical relationships with spouses, partners, um that talk negatively to them. How do you even begin to dive into that, Jen? You know, for for someone that has been in this relationship for 10, 15 years, you know, and is just so used to this negativity, I don't even know how you touch that with a 10-foot pole.
00:18:46
Speaker
I don't even know where you start. Well, you start at why does that person think that they deserve that? Right. Right. what Where, where in their life did they get this idea that this is okay, that they should just suffer through this, that they should tolerate someone being unkind to them, someone putting them down, whatever that is. And often, oftentimes as you start to trace those things back,
00:19:16
Speaker
ah again, goes back to those early childhood experiences, where there was maybe a critical caregiver, or they saw these dynamics playing out in their own household. and And so they think this is just normal. This is just what life is. And so it's really about tracing that back to why, why, why do you believe that this is okay? And even if you think it's not okay,
00:19:44
Speaker
Why do you think that you deserve to have to be in this situation? And I've been doing lots of deep dives into the brain science around it, right? As a, as a clinician, I've been, this was the second career for me. So I've been doing it for about 10 years.
00:19:59
Speaker
And when I went into private practice a couple of years ago, you know I'm sitting with clients who were having those conversations, but how do we really move the dial? How do we help people undo these belief systems that are creating suffering and harm for them? And it really does go back to the brain.
00:20:19
Speaker
And so there are therapies that can really help people to sort of unlock those unhealthy belief systems so that they can choose
Explaining EMDR Therapy
00:20:29
Speaker
something different. So it's not easy. It really isn't an easy thing, but there are certain therapies that can help people to unlock those belief systems. And you've you've given us, you know, you've talked about that before because I know that you've done, you know, this work yourself and you say it it really is life changing.
00:20:48
Speaker
It is life changing. because you're bringing yourself back to some, in some instances, to the time where, am I right, these things happened, and then in your brain, you are reliving it differently, yes. Yeah, so you know so the one of the therapies that I got trained in about a year ago is called EMDR, ah stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a lot of words. Yeah. yeah And so it really is about identifying those belief systems that are really triggering in your current life.
00:21:25
Speaker
right and so um you know i i was So this, again, this sort of takes some investigation, right? So you you notice what what triggers you. That's kind of the first step. What is the thing that's triggering you? That's creating a lot of suffering in your life. And then what is the belief system associated with that? And so, you know, I i recently processed a belief of being inadequate.
00:21:52
Speaker
Right. And how many of us in some sense in our lives feel inadequate, you know? And so I was able, you know, to sort of identify a memory when I was a kid of where that maybe got planted. It likely got planted even earlier than that, but sort of where it was a really vivid memory that stuck out of my mind about where that belief really was either planted or really kind of stuck with me. Hmm. And here I am all these decades later and it's getting triggered in my current life. And so through the process of EMDR was able to go into that memory and really heal it and heal it in a way that that that feeling of inadequacy doesn't have so much power.
00:22:40
Speaker
So is this something through like a hypnosis where you're going back? No, it's not hypnosis. It's really, so I don't know how much in the weeds you want to get about, about this. Um, but it uses something called bilateral stimulation, right? Um, so you can do that through eye movements where people move their eyes back and forth kind of like when you when you're in REM sleep, right? When your brain is processing during REM sleep at night, your eyes are moving back and forth.
00:23:09
Speaker
So you can do it with eye movements, right? Where somebody follows either the clinician's fingers or a light back and forth. And that, what it does is it activates your brain's healing system. Wow. Your brain has its own natural healing system. And so, um, some clients are uncomfortable doing eye movements, right? Like it's just not something like I remember even as a clinician, when I first heard about EMDR, I was like, Oh, that's kind of weird. Like what is, I don't understand, you know? Um, and so you can also do bilateral stimulation, tactile
00:23:42
Speaker
with tactile, right? And so when I first learned it, it was just me tapping on my own legs, right? Alternating tapping on my own legs. So there's lots of different ways to activate your brain's healing system with the guidance of a therapist to really heal some of these belief systems that that really are creating suffering and you know triggering you and and causing pain in your life.
Encouragement for Self-protection & Boundaries
00:24:07
Speaker
So it's it's one of the coolest things I've ever done is he has to learn about things like that. We need like our own episode just for that. I think that you should. Yeah. We should give you some abr on the air here. Maybe not. I mean, there could be a lot that comes out, but listen, this is the podcast where we're living authentically or authentic self. So I mean, if it's going to come out, so be it.
00:24:28
Speaker
Oh my goodness, so do you have any um you know anything, any advice as we get ready to wrap this episode up? um For those that are really taking the negative words that are around them and really um you know absorbing it and and and and just not able to see that you know this this isn't something that's meant for them.
00:24:58
Speaker
Does that make sense? Yeah. Like there are people that are going to be listening to us that are absolutely hearing what we're going to say, but they're still like, eh, you know, I don't know. There's no way really out of it. And I mean, you know, for people that are just stuck, what would you say? Well, I think that there's a real thing about you have to be ready to hear the message. Oh.
00:25:20
Speaker
And not everybody's ready, you know, and so some people will hear this and they say, Oh my gosh, that really resonated with me or Oh, I really want to start holding up that mirror. I really want to start creating some self-awareness and mindfulness around what is it that's going on for me, right? Some people are really ready to step into that.
00:25:42
Speaker
And other people just aren't ready yet. And that's OK. And that's OK, right? To offer, again, this idea of compassion for ourselves and compassion for others. And the more that we can do that and and model that and set that example, I think the better off we're all going to be.
00:25:59
Speaker
My good friend Jen Green here with me today. I'm so happy that you joined me. Thank you for having me. Oh, thank you for coming. So guys, remember, you have the power to control what influences your peace and your happiness by setting boundaries, practicing mindfulness and focusing on positive relationships. You can drown out the noise and you can reclaim some of that emotional space.
00:26:21
Speaker
You can protect your energy and surround yourself with people that uplift you because guess what? You deserve to live without the weight of negativity holding you back. Until next time, be kind to yourself and others.