Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Shape-Shifting to Please Others: Why You Don't Recognize Yourself
15 Plays29 days ago
This is the identity wake-up call that shows you exactly how people pleasing is erasing who you really are. The moment when you stop thinking shape-shifting to fit in is harmless and start understanding how the chameleon effect is slowly making you unrecognizable to yourself.
Here's the real cost of being a social chameleon:
- Opinion shifting: how being agreeable erodes your actual beliefs until you don't know what you really think
- Decision paralysis: why you can't make choices without consulting others first (because you need to know what's "acceptable")
- The exhaustion effect: feeling drained after social interactions from constant self-monitoring and performance
- Identity fragmentation: becoming a different person with different groups until you lose track of who's real
- Validation addiction: that dopamine hit when your performance gets accepted by the in-group
- Relationship emptiness: why connections built on personas feel hollow even when you're surrounded by people
- How to reclaim your authentic self through small moments of genuine expression
From picking up accents while traveling (harmless) to twisting your values to meet others' expectations (identity-erasing), this episode exposes the difference between natural social mirroring and destructive shape-shifting.
Because here's the truth: when you build relationships based on performance instead of authenticity, you'll always feel like there's a metaphorical film between you and everyone else.
The people who love the real you are worth the temporary anxiety of potential disapproval.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that your authentic self is worth keeping - flaws and all.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! Do you feel like a different person with different groups? DM me your stories on Instagram @YourCoachMari
💬 LET'S CONNECT:
Send in questions: contact+podcast@marisolmoran.com
We might just have the same taste in books. Check out my Book List.
(Bookshop affiliate)
🌱 LET’S GROW TOGETHER
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Growing with Sol
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello beautiful souls, and welcome to the Growing with Sol podcast, where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol, and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery, and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:15
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective, or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:27
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everyone else first, or battled self-doubt, you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself.
00:00:38
Speaker
Come grow up with me.
Exploring the Chameleon Effect
00:00:41
Speaker
In this episode, we are going to be exploring the chameleon effect. We're going to be identifying the signs of that shape-shifting that we do in order to please other people and how it can lead us to losing our authentic self Once I get into it a little bit more, you're going to recognize how sometimes you do it a bit subconsciously, and it's something that we all do, to be quite honest, in different situations, especially when we are around new people.
00:01:09
Speaker
It can be a powerful tool if used with intention or I suppose, if he used mindfully, but when we have a history with people-pleasing and we utilize the chameleon effect within that sphere, that's when it can be detrimental to ourselves.
00:01:35
Speaker
um And so what that's what we're gonna focus on today, but I do wanna touch on how the chameleon effect can be used in a responsible and a positive way as well.
00:01:49
Speaker
So what exactly is it? The chameleon effect essentially describes that phenomenon where we as individuals mirror the people around us. So it's gonna be our tendency to mimic their facial expressions, nonverbal behaviors, and even verbal expressions.
00:02:09
Speaker
I do think that it can even go deeper than that as well. um So it can, especially using it in a people-pleasing sense, then you are intentionally at that point utilizing it in order to like meet someone else's expectations.
Implications of the Chameleon Effect
00:02:25
Speaker
And it can go into like maybe the person's shape-shifting who you are, sort of like twisting who you are and how you are essentially It's also one of those things where it's like fake it till you make it, but like in a negative way where you are basically representing yourself in such a way in order to meet this other person's expectations where eventually you do kind of lose yourself a little bit.
00:02:48
Speaker
But in terms of the chameleon effect and what it can look like in a harmless sense, um for lack of a better word, it can be like accents as a an example of a harmless way that the chameleon effect can happen.
00:03:06
Speaker
It's something that I've noticed that I do when I travel, um especially to Spanish-speaking countries, where I pick up on the accent real quick. It's crazy. It's crazy, okay? Because i have my accent.
00:03:21
Speaker
I have my accent in how I speak. And my accent in Spanish is like... Like you can tell I'm Mexican, but like Mexicans know I'm not from Mexico.
00:03:33
Speaker
It's like LA has his own like Mexican accent. But if I just go to Mexico and I'm around family for like 1.5 days,
00:03:45
Speaker
I pick up the Chilango accent so fast, so fast, okay? It's crazy, it's crazy. And then I come back home and I have that accent for like a week until it goes back to like my regular Mexican accent that I usually have.
00:04:00
Speaker
It happens when I travel. It happened when I was in Spain for a little bit. And it happened when I was in Chile for a little bit, which is crazy because like the thing with like the Chilean accent is also that they have their own words.
00:04:14
Speaker
they They have their, I feel like, I feel like, I feel like Chilean Spanish is like the same concept as like Moroccan Arabic.
00:04:26
Speaker
Because it's the same thing with like when I remember when I was learning Moroccan Arabic for a little bit, they were like, yeah, Moroccan Arabic is like crazy different from like other Arabic. And I feel like that's how it is with Chile and Spanish. So like, it was like the cadence and like intonation and stuff, but like the different words.
00:04:42
Speaker
I wasn't, I was only there for like a week. Okay. I didn't pick it up that much, but still like i it's a conscious effort for me to keep my accent when I'm in Spanish speaking countries. Cause I pick up so fast.
00:04:57
Speaker
So that is like a harmless example of the chameleon effect. But when it comes to those of us who sh struggle with people pleasing or have struggled with people pleasing, maybe you'll recognize doing this where you are utilizing the chameleon effect in order to twist and turn yourself to hopefully be what this other person is expecting you to be or wanting you to be. and how works kind leads you to losing yourself. And it feels, it feels, because again, I've, I've been there. It, it, in terms of how it makes you feel, it definitely, I don't know. I feel like in my experience, it makes you feel little, it made me feel a little icky
00:05:44
Speaker
It doesn't feel good when you do that, especially when you are cognizant of it. Like you recognize that you're doing this thing in order to meet the expectation of someone else, even though you don't fully agree or believe believe what it is. Like if you're twisting like your opinions and your values and what have you in order to meet this other person's expectation of you, me it feels like it feels almost like you're a little bit powerless to do it because you feel like you have
Identifying People-Pleasing Behaviors
00:06:15
Speaker
to.
00:06:15
Speaker
and then it also just is so inauthentic as well. And that's where you then start to lose yourself. So let's let's get into that before I ramble even more. So what are some of the warning signs that you are utilizing the chameleon effect in a people-pleasing manner that is detrimental to yourself?
00:06:36
Speaker
First and foremost, opinion shifting. i think this is one that happens fairly often where you your viewpoints maybe even begin to change themselves. Like maybe you're just being agreeable, even though you don't truly believe something. You're just being an agreeable person. Like, yeah, I don't want to cause a fuss.
00:06:57
Speaker
i don't want to create any kind of conflict. So I'm going to go along with what they're saying and like say that I agree with it too. But after a while, if you keep doing that, like it's going to be ah a level of erosion to your own opinion at that point.
00:07:10
Speaker
Because you're going to be so used to kind of just going with that flow and being so agreeable that your own opinion becomes watered down.
00:07:24
Speaker
Another one, another warning sign of this chameleon effect is also decision paralysis. So it's going to be your inability to make choices without consulting others first. Girl, when I tell you that this was me, when I tell you that this was me and when I was in a very unhealthy relationship,
00:07:42
Speaker
Oh my, I couldn't make a decision to save my life. I mean, that partially because narcissistic abuse, my God, I forget. There's a term for it.
00:07:53
Speaker
um But essentially it's when like, like Like, no matter what you do, you're wrong. Like, no matter what you say, no no matter what you do, no matter what you don't do, no matter what you say, no matter what you don't say, like, it's going to be the wrong thing.
00:08:08
Speaker
So that's also part of the reason why I couldn't make a decision by myself, because no matter what I did, it was wrong. But additionally, when it comes to the chameleon effect, you can also find to this decision paralysis, because...
00:08:23
Speaker
You need to know what the acceptable thing by the in-group or in-person is that you can make that decision on your own. There is the exhaustion effect, essentially feeling drained after social interactions from constant self-monitoring.
00:08:37
Speaker
This is so true. i know some of us also just have social anxiety. This is not that. This is not that, this is when you are twisting and turning and shape-shifting yourself so much that you are tired, okay?
00:08:50
Speaker
Because you also don't want to let yourself slip and like be your real self for a second and all of a sudden you are not that agreeable person, that wonderful, beautiful, agreeable person who doesn't cause a ruckus, okay? Who's not creating conflict.
00:09:07
Speaker
If you let yourself slip and then all a sudden create conflict, uh-oh, we're in trouble.
Self-Monitoring and Exhaustion
00:09:12
Speaker
We're in trouble. So you are monitoring yourself so much so that you don't slip up that you are drained afterwards.
00:09:19
Speaker
That's not necessarily the social anxiety piece. Okay. It's a little bit different. After a while of all of this twisting and turning and shape-shifting, you might not be able to recognize yourself anymore.
00:09:35
Speaker
Because the other thing is, if you do it for so long, A lot of these things become habits and you start to do it also subconsciously.
00:09:48
Speaker
And then you might think, huh, like, is this, you start to question yourself. Like, is this, is this really my opinion? Have I been saying this for so long to be part of this in-group or to be accepted by this person, if I've been saying and doing these things for so long that maybe this is just who I am now and this is really what I believe now, did and you start to question, like well, wait, they have I always believed this?
00:10:13
Speaker
Why doesn't it feel true? Why doesn't it ring true for me? But I'm saying these things. I'm doing these things. But it doesn't feel like me. But then who even am i like you go You go through these conversations. Right?
00:10:25
Speaker
So i you know, there's that as well. There's also... recognizing that you are behaving insane and doing these things for the validation of these other people.
00:10:38
Speaker
And that's really when you start to recognize it because now you know that you are doing these things because you want that external validation. And when you recognize that you get that little like almost like a dopamine hit when you say and do these things and then you recognize that like, oh, it was accepted by the in-person or in-group and you feel a little bit better about yourself.
00:11:00
Speaker
that's That's a sign. That's a sign, babes.
00:11:05
Speaker
So what happens to our identity when when we're doing all these things? When we're recognizing it, finally, we're becoming self-aware that we are doing this. You might realize that you are a different person with different people.
Fragmented Identity Across Contexts
00:11:20
Speaker
And I know that some of us kind of make fun of this concept where it's like we have different friend groups. So we are different people with these different friend groups. But it's something to really take a look at because like, who why are we doing this? Why are we being different people with different groups?
00:11:37
Speaker
Okay. So we have this fragmentation of the self across different social contexts. And like, I would say across like friend groups as well. Take a look at that a little bit more closely.
00:11:50
Speaker
You might also have a lot of anxiety about being your true self. You might have anxiety or around authenticity and feel like something bad might happen if you reveal how you truly feel and what you truly think about certain things.
00:12:06
Speaker
Okay? That's gonna, like, you're gonna have, like, increased anxiety about who you are as a person, as an individual. That's gonna be one of the impacts here. And, frankly, when you're a people pleaser, you already have a lot of anxiety.
00:12:19
Speaker
like, why do you want more? You don't want more, but this is what happens. It's a result. I've been there. I've been there, okay? You have so much more anxiety. And I will tell you right now, when you start people-pleasing,
00:12:32
Speaker
It's less anxiety. You don't think it's going to be less sick anxiety, but it is less anxiety. And I feel like that's part of the reason why so many of us call it like our villain era, because we almost have to see ourselves as embracing being the bad person in order for it to be okay and for the anxiety to go away because it feels like you don't care anymore. But you do care.
00:12:51
Speaker
You do still care. It's okay. um Another thing as well, when it comes to like the impact of this type of twisting and turning, is an emptiness in relationships.
00:13:05
Speaker
So it feels like there's an emptiness because you've built connection on a performance. You've built connection on a persona rather than genuinely sharing who you are.
00:13:18
Speaker
So that can negatively impact friendships that you might have and potentially like relationships. it like Some of these things are salvageable. like Don't feel like all hope is lost. like I've been people-pleasing and now like i don't have any true friends. that That's not true. If it is true, then this it's time to do a lot of work.
00:13:40
Speaker
But that's not necessarily true. So don't feel like all hope is lost. But if you are feeling like you're not truly close to your friends or if you feel like there's like some sort of like metaphorical film between you and the people in your life, like maybe this is part of the reason why.
00:13:59
Speaker
So what can you do to really reclaim your authentic
Reclaiming Authenticity
00:14:02
Speaker
self? If you feel like you are experiencing some of these things, if you relate to these things, if you are still recognizing that that there is a part of you that is people pleasing in this way, like what can you do?
00:14:15
Speaker
Definitely take some time to really sit with who you are as an individual, which is like a huge thing to say, um but it does take time where you need to begin to like relearn who you are and sort of disentangle your authentic self from the person you've been being, you know?
00:14:38
Speaker
So you want to do like an inventory of sorts, you know, do some exercises to really sit with and like rediscover your own core values, your own preferences, your own beliefs. Like, what do you really think about things that might be happening in life? Like, did you, do you agree with certain things that may be going on?
00:14:55
Speaker
When so-and-so was talking about X, Y, and Z, and then you were just like, yeah, like you know you have a point. like Did they really have a point? Or did you just not want to cause any trouble or you didn't want to be in an argument? Sometimes, get it. You just don't want to have an argument. So you're just like, yeah, fine.
00:15:12
Speaker
But are you saying certain in things just to keep the peace when really you should be saying something? and Another thing that you can do is begin to express your true feelings, your true thoughts.
00:15:25
Speaker
In small ways, in small moments, you have those little moments of genuine self-expression. Maybe there are certain people that you feel safer with.
00:15:36
Speaker
Maybe there are certain people that you feel are more accepting. Find those people and start to be your true self in small ways. And you sort of build this capacity of of trust as well.
00:15:50
Speaker
This one is also an important one when it comes to this and one that I don't say lightly, but it's building tolerance around being uncomfortable.
00:16:02
Speaker
So having a capacity to sit with your anxiety and anxiety around potential disapproval. so This might be, you might have to sit with yourself, maybe do a little bit of meditation or allow yourself to explore why you have this anxiety.
00:16:21
Speaker
it can get deep. It can get a little scary. Okay, so you want to make sure that you are in a safe place thinking about these things and calm because I know someone who like spent time with their thoughts and their anxiety and they are having a panic attack.
00:16:36
Speaker
I don't want you to have a panic attack. Okay. So make sure that you are in a safe space where you feel comfortable, where you can explore these things and explore why you have such anxiety around the potential disapproval And analyze that and sit with it and figure out maybe what you can do to begin to release yourself of that and recognize that it's okay if someone doesn't approve of what you think about certain things or certain things that you do because it's your life. You don't need people's approval, okay?
00:17:08
Speaker
Just be you. And the people who love you for you will appear one day magically. I'm kidding. I have a hard time making friends, okay? Take me make friends. But you will find your people, okay? They are out there.
00:17:21
Speaker
So even if you're like me and it takes you a long time to make you friends, it will happen, okay? Okay.
00:17:29
Speaker
So overall, when it comes to the chameleon effect, there are times when we do it subconsciously and it is just a natural thing that we as people do when we meet new people. We just kind of do that.
00:17:43
Speaker
At the same time, for those of us who have people-pleasing tendencies or people-pleasing in the past or in the present, we can sometimes utilize the chameleon effect in order to enhance our people pleasing ways and that is not a good thing and not a healthy thing and ultimately can lead us to not fully recognizing who we are anymore and if there's one thing that we really want is to be our authentic self so that we can find the people who truly fit into our lives because they're compatible with us and they love and appreciate us for who we are flaws and all
00:18:21
Speaker
So if you made it this far, thank you for listening. and I definitely appreciate it. If you like this episode, if it resonated with you, definitely share it with other people. don't forget to subscribe and, you know, leave a like because it definitely helps the podcast grow.
00:18:40
Speaker
If you are struggling with people pleasing, if you recognize that you do some of these behaviors like the chameleon effect and other things that go along with it, and you would like some support in healing that, reach out to me.
00:18:51
Speaker
i am currently accepting clients so you can schedule your very own call through the link in my show notes. Until next time, keep growing.