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What To Expect When You Set Boundaries with Family (Spoiler: It's Complicated)
11 Plays3 days ago
This is the honest preparation guide for what actually happens when you set boundaries with family. With the holiday season approaching, it's time to talk about the outcomes nobody warns you about, including the most painful one: sometimes they just leave.
Here's what to expect when you set family boundaries:
- Best case: They accept the boundary and adjust their behavior (yes, this can actually happen - you know your family best)
- The offense: They take it personally, want to argue, and get defensive no matter how you word it (have an exit strategy ready)
- The manipulation: They shift blame and make it your fault they crossed the line (don't fall for it)
- The abandonment: They exit your life entirely, which nobody expects because "that's what family does - they stick around, right?" (not always)
- The painful truth: Sometimes people were only around because they liked taking advantage of your people-pleasing ways
From decades of history and unspoken "don't rock the boat" cultural norms to realizing that boundaries are meant to deepen relationships (not push people away), this episode prepares you emotionally for what might happen when you finally set that boundary.
Because here's what you need to know: if someone's response to you wanting a healthier, more loving, more respectful relationship is to leave, then maybe that's exactly where they need to go out the door. It's painful, but accepting that reality is part of healing.
You know your family best. You might already have an inkling about who will respond which way. Use that knowledge to prepare yourself emotionally and practice what you'll say.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that setting boundaries doesn't make you the bad guy - it makes you someone who values healthy relationships.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! Are you setting boundaries with family this holiday season? DM me your experiences on Instagram @YourCoachMari
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello, beautiful
Introduction to 'Growing With Soul' Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
souls, and welcome back to another inst installment of the Growing With Soul podcast, where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol, and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery, and learning to put yourself first Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
Embracing the Messy Process of Self-Growth
00:00:30
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everyone else first or battled self-doubt, you're in the right place because this is not about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself.
00:00:43
Speaker
Come grow with me.
The Complexity of Setting Boundaries with Family
00:00:45
Speaker
So last week's episode with Sin, we touched on the topic of setting boundaries with family. We also kind of touched on going no contact with family as well, if that were to be necessary.
00:00:58
Speaker
And it's something that I wanted to dig a little bit more deeply into because by nature, it's a heavy topic. It's something that I don't speak of lightly.
00:01:11
Speaker
It's definitely something that deserves
00:01:15
Speaker
It's a moment of thought and consideration and empathy because it's not it's not easy to change the dynamic of a relationship that you have with a family member.
00:01:32
Speaker
It's not easy potentially to go no contact with a family member either. So
Cultural Norms and Family Dynamics
00:01:37
Speaker
it's something I wanted to talk about and look at and also talk about like what to expect when you actually go and set a boundary with someone I mean, I feel like people in general can kind of react in the ways I'm gonna get into, but there's just something so delicate and something so painful potentially when we're talking about setting boundaries or maybe going no contact with family members.
00:02:03
Speaker
Our relationships with our family members are complex, like I mentioned, sometimes delicate, and there are most likely decades decades of history and customs, maybe some unspoken rules and norms, often cultural norms that we're not supposed to go against.
00:02:23
Speaker
You know, don't rock the boat. Don't bring it up. Let's not talk about it. Let's forget that it happened. Just let it go. and we'll fuck with that here, right? We're not going to drop it. We're not going to let it go. We're not going to pretend it didn't happen. We're going to talk about it.
00:02:39
Speaker
We're going to address the mother fucking issue. Okay. um Not that we have to get crazy. We don't need to get crazy, but we can have a mature, emotionally intelligent conversation ideally.
00:02:52
Speaker
So there's that. But on top of that, there's also just so much significance for us when it comes to, you know, that the the significance that we place on our family.
00:03:06
Speaker
Because family holds a special place. Even if you come from a toxic family, there's something there. Even if your family has always been maybe abusive, maybe manipulative, but insert toxic thing. if Even if your family has always been that way, like it's still your mom, it's still your dad, and there's a lot behind that. It's still your siblings.
00:03:32
Speaker
So there's a lot behind that. There's a lot of significance and weight there. You
Expectations and Outcomes of Setting Boundaries
00:03:37
Speaker
know, our families are the people who are supposed to love and accept us unconditionally.
00:03:44
Speaker
They're the ones who are supposed to support us and be there for us. some For some of us, maybe they they once were there for us and supported us and all of that. Maybe they once did do that.
00:03:56
Speaker
And that can make things even more painful in the present moment or maybe in the future when you finally set a boundary or go no contact. So if you've been considering setting boundaries with family, this episode is for you and we're definitely going to talk about it and let's go ahead and get into what to expect once you do.
00:04:20
Speaker
So I decided to highlight four different outcomes that can happen when you set a boundary. First and foremost, what is the first outcome that could potentially happen? They accept the boundary that you're setting and they adjust their behavior.
00:04:34
Speaker
This is possible. I know when we as a healing space, as a healing community, we often talk about setting boundaries and like we talk about all the things that can quote unquote go wrong.
00:04:46
Speaker
But let's hold space and make room for the fact that you can set a boundary with someone. You can set a boundary with a family member. They hear you, they accept it, and they adjust their behavior to a loving and respectful place by respecting that boundary that you set.
00:05:04
Speaker
This is something that can happen. This is something I've experienced. You also know your family best. I want to highlight that. You know your family best and you may already have an inkling. You may already have an idea.
00:05:17
Speaker
of which family members you might be able to set a boundary with and they're going to be mad chill about it and they're going to be like, oh my God, why did you tell me sooner? Like I would have like stopped doing this a long time ago or I would have like made this adjustment a long time ago. Like I wish I would have known sooner. Like there is that person, okay? That person exists. Maybe you know who that person in your family is.
00:05:37
Speaker
If this is the case, okay, if this is the case, definitely leave room for this possibility.
00:05:47
Speaker
Okay, maybe not every single family member, but there might be someone who might have that response. The second outcome that can happen after setting a boundary is that the family member takes offense and they want to argue. They're ready to tussle. They're ready to fight.
00:06:05
Speaker
Okay, because they are offended that you are blaming them for something. Okay, so sometimes, and when this is the case, there are times it does not matter how you approach the topic, it doesn't matter how you word the boundary, your family member just might take your boundary to mean that there was something wrong with them.
00:06:29
Speaker
There was something wrong with them, with their behavior, with how they are. And therefore your boundary is an insult to who they are.
00:06:40
Speaker
I'm not claiming to fully understand why people respond in this way, but people do. I've seen it, i've i've been I've been told of these stories, okay? I've been eliciting here to people who have experienced this type of thing.
00:06:57
Speaker
Sometimes we set a boundary with family members, they do not take it well. They wanna fight, they wanna argue, they might cuss you out they might x Y, and Z, okay? They're just not gonna handle it well.
00:07:10
Speaker
In those moments, when they are getting defensive, when they are trying to argue, You know, as people, we try to bring things back around so that we can have a calm, mature conversation about it.
00:07:25
Speaker
But also, depending on the type of individual and how things may be going, sometimes we just got to see ourselves out. Okay. Sometimes there is no way that you can actually have ah productive conversation with somebody who is bent on fighting, arguing and being completely defensive.
00:07:43
Speaker
Sometimes you've got to be like, we can continue this conversation at the other time. Clearly, this is not going well. I got to peace out. got to leave. but Keep that in mind as well. Maybe have an exit strategy. The third outcome is that they shift the blame. This might be like a second half to that, like starting an argument.
00:08:02
Speaker
So it's similar to the second outcome where they're still offended, but this one has like a little a little manipulative flare, okay? So instead of owning the fact that they did something that maybe crossed a line, they're going to try to flip it and be like, well, you did X, Y, and Z, therefore I do that.
00:08:21
Speaker
And like, really it's your fault. So it's if I crossed a boundary, it's really your fault that I crossed a boundary. Don't fall for it. Don't fall for it. It is not your fault that they crossed a line.
00:08:35
Speaker
Keep that in mind. The fourth outcome. They exit your life. This one comes later.
00:08:45
Speaker
This is one that a lot of people don't expect to happen because we're talking about family. Family has been there from the day you were born, okay?
00:08:56
Speaker
Your family has been there every single day of your life, so you do not expect them to leave. They're going stick around. That's what family does. They stick around, right? Not always.
00:09:08
Speaker
Not always. You might set a boundary. You might have every beautiful intention of setting the boundaries so that you can have a healthier, more productive, more loving and respectful relationship with your mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, whoever it may be.
00:09:24
Speaker
And that's your intention in setting the boundary. Because think about it we set boundaries not to push people out of our lives. We set boundaries so that we can have a deeper, more meaningful, more loving, more respectful relationship with the people in our lives.
00:09:38
Speaker
So when we do that, and then we realize
00:09:44
Speaker
They're not coming around anymore. They're not reaching out to me anymore. Maybe they're not taking my calls. Maybe they're not responding to my text messages.
00:09:55
Speaker
They've disappeared.
00:09:58
Speaker
That is extremely painful and unfortunately can be very much a reality for a lot of us. And it can be a reality for a lot of different reasons.
00:10:11
Speaker
One of the, Things I've talked about previously on the podcast in multiple episodes is that if we come from ah a place of people pleasing and then we finally set a boundary in that regard, sometimes it's painful to realize people were in your life not because they loved and appreciated you wanted be around you and be around your energy and your amazing personality.
00:10:34
Speaker
They were around because they liked being able to take advantage of your people pleasing ways. And when you stop that,
00:10:44
Speaker
For them, what was the point of being around anymore? It's painful. It hurts. It hurts.
00:10:52
Speaker
But sometimes
Emotional Preparation for Holidays
00:10:54
Speaker
we have to accept the pain and accept the reality and realize that their response to you trying to have a healthier, deeper relationship with them, if their response is to leave, then maybe that's where they need to go out the door.
00:11:13
Speaker
So these are just four different ways, four different things to expect when you set a boundary with family members. Again, this could be applied also to um other relationships, friendships, what have you.
00:11:26
Speaker
um But I wanted to focus on family because sometimes for a lot of us, setting boundaries family can be so much more complex and intricate and and painful when we have these outcomes.
00:11:39
Speaker
And ah wanted to, let you all know that if you are contemplating this, especially as we go into the holiday season, be prepared. Set the boundary.
00:11:53
Speaker
Prepare to set the boundary, practice, and also prepare yourself emotionally for any potential fallout. Again, you know your family best. You might have an idea of which family members may respond in certain ways.
00:12:07
Speaker
So if you do, prepare yourself emotionally for that as well.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:12:15
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in today into the Growing With Soul podcast. If today's episode resonated with you leave a five-star review. Don't forget to subscribe and to share it out with your loved ones, your friends, share it out on social media.
00:12:31
Speaker
um Additionally, if you would like any kind of support with something like this, if you are also on any other kind of healing journey, you want to work on yourself in any kind of way,
00:12:49
Speaker
next time keep growing