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Embracing Disapproval: How to Sit with the Discomfort of Not Being Liked
15 Plays20 days ago
This is the gentle guide for when you've decided to stop people pleasing but that uncomfortable feeling has you frozen. The moment when you realize you no longer want to do backflips for everyone's approval but you're frozen because you don't know how to handle their disappointment without immediately backtracking.
Here's what's really happening when disapproval feels threatening:
- Early conditioning: how childhood taught us that love was conditional on good behavior and performance
- Social media amplification: why stranger approval online feels life-or-death important
- The physical response: recognizing tight chest, stomach knots, and shallow breathing as normal reactions
- The costs of continuing: loss of authenticity, decision paralysis, emotional exhaustion, and diminished boundaries
- Why successful people inevitably disappoint some people - and that's actually okay
- The power dynamic shift: how people get upset when they lose their ability to use you
- Practical strategies: body awareness, questioning assumptions, and practicing your "disapproval muscle"
- Diversifying approval sources instead of putting all your worth into one person's opinion
From the person who couldn't make decisions to save their life during narcissistic abuse to recognizing that healthy relationships still involve conflict, this episode exposes why disapproval feels so threatening and gives you tools to sit with the discomfort.
Because here's the truth: if someone only likes you when you're bending over backwards for them, that's not a relationship worth keeping. Your health, your peace, and your life are more important than any one person's approval.
You don't need to avoid disapproval - you need to learn to survive it.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that not everyone will like you anyway - and that's perfectly fine.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! What does disapproval feel like in your body? DM me your experiences on Instagram @YourCoachMari
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Transcript
Introduction to Growing with Sol
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello beautiful souls and welcome back to the with Sol podcast where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:15
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new. This podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:28
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everyone else first or battled self-doubt, you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself. Come grow with me.
Discomfort in Stopping People-Pleasing
00:00:39
Speaker
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about that part of people-pleasing when you've chosen that people-pleasing is not serving you, that you recognize that you're doing the thing, you no longer want to do the thing, but you don't know how to do the thing.
00:00:55
Speaker
And as part of not knowing how to do the thing but wanting to do the thing, you feel like your skin is crawling. You feel so uncomfortable that you just want to throw it all away.
00:01:07
Speaker
okay You're frozen because you don't know what to do. You don't want to do the wrong thing, but you don't know how to do the right thing. And it just it's this horrible feeling. I get it. I've been there. I'm still there sometimes. you know like Every once in a while, it's like, ugh, I got discomfort.
00:01:22
Speaker
It's like you've been people-pleasing your whole life and then you no longer do it, but you still – that like neural pathway is like ingrained in your head, your brain, and you you're trying to recondition yourself essentially.
00:01:35
Speaker
That's what we're going to be talking about, okay? Because what it's all about, really. you have to build up that healthy habit and essentially, as cheesy as it sounds in my own head, flex that muscle.
Impact of Conditioning and Social Media
00:01:49
Speaker
So let's get into why it's so uncomfortable and so difficult for us too essentially displease and perhaps have someone be disappointed at us a little bit or disappointed at us not helping or whatever it is.
00:02:09
Speaker
So I would say that the reason why it feels really like threatening perhaps is our early conditioning, which I kind of did hearken to already. Like it's, we've been doing it for such a long time, maybe our whole lives and childhood that it's really ingrained in our minds and our brains to be this way, behave this way.
00:02:30
Speaker
But also, as children, many of us did learn that love and approval were conditional and conditional upon good behavior. So if that is the case, or you're wondering if that is the case for you, just think about ah how maybe you were raised, the environment you were raised in, or maybe even in school as well.
00:02:53
Speaker
Did love and affection only happen when... it was based on positive or good behavior or performance? Like were you ever praised or celebrated just for like being you and doing something that showed your character? Or was it only based on like good behavior and getting good grades or winning a game or something if you were in sports? Like, is that all you ever saw as being good?
00:03:23
Speaker
Additionally, i think now lot of people are getting this in childhood, but I feel like most of us here are in our 30s or older So i feel like for a lot of us now, it was of, it depends on what level of millennial you are um Maybe it kind of could have, maybe it was in your childhood. Not really.
00:03:44
Speaker
Depending on your parents. I know that my mom shut it down. ah was not allowed to have any kind of social media, even though I tried when I was in high school. So for some of us teenagers, definitely in adults, social media also affects us when it comes to that displeasing or disapproving sort of discomfort when we're going to be there.
Emotional Costs of People-Pleasing
00:04:05
Speaker
Because we now live in a world where what people think of us online, like strangers, what strangers think of us online is incredibly important and takes up so much space in how we operate and then and in how we even potentially like view ourselves.
00:04:25
Speaker
And that can come from most like low hanging fruit, likes, comments, number of followers. But also I think if we were to take that out to like, like sort of like zoom out a little bit and look at social media and that whole disapproving aspect to it, there is that cancel culture that we do have nowadays.
00:04:48
Speaker
And ice I feel like we see it a lot and how do How do I say what I'm thinking?
00:05:01
Speaker
We see cancel culture coming for everyone, definitely. But
00:05:11
Speaker
I feel like one, overall, generally speaking, it doesn't always stick with celebrities if we're looking at celebrities specifically. and also, feel like i feel like There is a lot more bite to cancel culture when it's towards women.
00:05:29
Speaker
So when you put all that together, it's a very ah challenging position to be in for someone who is historically a people-bleaser.
00:05:41
Speaker
And then also, like, i mean, it depends if you're posting publicly, obviously. But... Everyone you know, potentially, everyone that matters is going to be following you on social media if you utilize it.
00:05:54
Speaker
So it might just be another avenue, another opportunity to create disapproval and disappointment in the people who are important to you.
Authenticity vs. Pleasing Everyone
00:06:08
Speaker
So what are these costs? Okay. Because clearly we're here, we're trying to not people please anymore, but we're still kind of doing it. And if we feel guilty every time that we people please, like, you know, when you don't want to do something anymore, but then you do it and then you just feel like, ugh, like you you feel disappointed in yourself. Okay.
00:06:25
Speaker
And it's this weird thing where you don't want to disappoint somebody else, but you don't want to disappoint yourself either, but, but you keep doing it and you feel even more icky. Well, What are some of the costs of that?
00:06:37
Speaker
I did go into it in the previous episode. So if you missed it, definitely go back and listen to that one to get more detail on this. um But I'm going to list them out here as well.
00:06:48
Speaker
So when you are seeking everybody else's approval, it takes a lot of energy. It is exhausting. And quite frankly, it is impossible to please everybody. like that's You're never going to be able to do that. You're just setting yourself up for failure when you you didn't try.
00:07:06
Speaker
And again, speaking from experience here, it's never going to be a good thing. um But let's look at a little bit more deeply um what it is that it costs us when we are continually, continuously doing this.
00:07:20
Speaker
There is a loss of authenticity, loss of the self in that way, because you're no longer being true to yourself. So you can't be your true self with others. So you lose that authenticity Decision paralysis. This is a huge one.
00:07:33
Speaker
Again, like last episode, I definitely touched on how part of the reason why I dealt with decision paralysis was because of emotional abuse, like narcissistic abuse, which I remembered the term. the last Last episode, I couldn't remember the term. It's called the double bind.
00:07:46
Speaker
So that's part of the reason why i had decision paralysis. But you know, if you're constantly people-pleasing, decision paralysis can ensue. um Also emotional exhaustion.
00:07:58
Speaker
the thing about emotional exhaustion and people-pleasing is that you're constantly trying to read other people. And you're constantly trying to cater to the emotions that you are picking up on or trying to assess in other people.
00:08:09
Speaker
So it's the unspoken of others that you are constantly analyzing and reanalyzing so that you can respond appropriately. Now, for a lot of us, that might've been a survival tactic that helped us out so beautifully. Okay. So beautifully, but as an adult in a healthier space and environment that is no longer serving you.
00:08:30
Speaker
Another cost is diminished boundaries. As people pleasers, I feel like this is the like neon sign of like a people pleaser because you don't have boundaries because you're constantly wanting to appease other people.
00:08:47
Speaker
So it doesn't matter what you want because deep down there's this drive to just be approved of by others. So that one, I mean, all of these are painful when you sit down and like actually sit with the ramifications of every single one of these.
00:09:05
Speaker
it's It's a painful life. It's painful life being a people pleaser. But that's what we're here to talk about, how to no longer be a people pleaser and how to navigate that discomfort, icky, skin-crawling emotion when you finally made the decision to no longer people please.
The Paradox of Seeking Approval
00:09:23
Speaker
So what are some things to remember about people pleasing? You know, and about that disapproval as well that we are so nervous to to do.
00:09:34
Speaker
um I think one thing that is really important to recognize is that it is... a little bit paradoxical. It is counterintuitive. um You know, if but you think about it, like if we look at you can't please everybody, that is 100% true.
00:09:54
Speaker
And if we were to, again, zoom out and take a look at maybe like successful people, like if you were to look at, say, like artistry, music, whatever it might be, like There are people who don't like certain things.
00:10:12
Speaker
There are people who are going to be disappointed. Like... random example perhaps but um so I am a long time like AFI fan and like my my fanhood has you know gone up and down where I like pay attention to their music as much and the other times I don't I've been listening to their music a lot more again and they're coming out with a new album it's so hilarious how people are reacting because like so many people in comments of TikToks are just like this isn't them. And like, they always have a new sound and bla bla blah, blah, blah.
00:10:43
Speaker
People are hating, people are loving it. Also, Davey Havoc consistently changes his aesthetic, like every album. And it's funny because I saw a TikTok who was like, if you are a longtime AFI fan, you are not surprised. All the newbies are shook.
00:10:57
Speaker
And it's so true. Like I remember Davey Havoc when I fell in love with him with the blue eyeshadow and he's come a long way since then. But there's that when you are stuck in people pleasing,
00:11:09
Speaker
Say as a musical artist, you're going to be afraid to change your sound. If you are stuck in people pleasing just as like a person and how you present yourself and let's say everybody thinks you're hot with one aesthetic, you're going to be of afraid to change your aesthetic because you want to be perceived as hot and appealing to everybody instead of being true to how you truly want to appear in the world.
00:11:29
Speaker
Maybe a bit, you know, contrite of an example, but I think that is indicative of people pleasing in general, where you're afraid to be your true self, even though successful people are going to be put in a position where people aren't going to agree with them and people are not going to approve everything they do or like everything they do.
00:11:54
Speaker
So if want to take a little bit more deep as well, like when we actually stand for something a little bit more meaningful as well, that that disapproval, that and't that not liking, not being appealing to everyone is inevitable. Yeah.
00:12:15
Speaker
Additionally, like when you're true to yourself, like people disagreeing with you, people not liking you is inevitable. And that's okay.
00:12:28
Speaker
It's the same thing with like everybody who says like, oh, like, you know, you don't like everybody. Like clearly everybody isn't going to like you. and as, as, maybe contrite is not the right word, but as much as whatever that word is, you know, insert word there It's true.
00:12:46
Speaker
It's very true because it's impossible to Be everything and do everything for everyone and still do everything and be everything for yourself. Like it's not it's not going to be a possible thing.
00:13:05
Speaker
So, and also even in interpersonal relationships where they are healthy, where the person does truly love and care about you and the person likes you, it's also going to be inevitable that you're going to have disagreements or that there's going to be conflict.
00:13:27
Speaker
It's bound to happen. Like I've had friendships. Almost like my whole life at this point, it feels like I'm getting getting older, guys. I've had longtime friendships and there have been tense moments.
00:13:41
Speaker
There has been conflict. And i can go back and think to situations where it's like, hmm, I I didn't handle that well or like neither of us handled that well. But at the end of the day, thankfully, we're still friends.
00:13:54
Speaker
So even in your best interpersonal relationships, you're bound to be in a sticky situation, okay? In a situation where people are going to be upset with each other.
00:14:07
Speaker
So in those moments when you are navigating how to no longer people please and becoming comfortable with that disapproval,
Physical Reactions to Disapproval
00:14:20
Speaker
what do we do? How do we embrace it?
00:14:22
Speaker
First and foremost, we really need to dive deep into our bodies, okay? We need to like sit with ourselves and become comfortable in assessing how we are responding and feeling.
00:14:33
Speaker
So what is that like physical sensation in your body when you're in that situation? So does that disapproval trigger a physical response? Is it like a tightness in your chest?
00:14:46
Speaker
Is it knots in your stomach? Ooh, if you're like me and it's like a lot of anxiety, you feel sick to your stomach. It's a lot of fun. I'm being sarcastic. It is not fun. It is horrible. um Shallow breathing is a lot of one for other people.
00:14:59
Speaker
Um, but being able to recognize what's going on with yourself allows you to say like, okay, like I'm being triggered. This is the response. Like it doesn't need to be that deep. Let me just assess what's going on here. And you can essentially name everything and observe everything that's happening without judgment.
00:15:19
Speaker
And when we're able to do that, it no longer is able to take over.
00:15:24
Speaker
Secondly, if you're in a situation where you've maybe set a boundary or you are so essentially in that disapproval area where the person is just the upset that you're not being the people pleaser they're used to you being, um you know, question your assumptions here a little
Challenging Assumptions of Self-Worth
00:15:42
Speaker
bit. You can ask yourself, like, is this person's opinion really any reflection of who I am as a person? Is their opinion of me really a reflection of my worth?
00:15:52
Speaker
And what am I making their disappointment and their disapproval mean about me? This one i think is or can be much more difficult than just me saying it like here and you like thinking about it for a little bit.
00:16:08
Speaker
Like I think it's an incredibly important piece of navigating that discomfort and navigating the aftermath of the disapproval. And what's so important about it is that when we stop being the people pleaser, people are used to us being, people get upset.
00:16:30
Speaker
People can be so upset because they're used to using you. They're used to you being at their beck and call. They're used to you fucking doing backflips and shit in order to make them happy and make their lives easier.
00:16:45
Speaker
And when you no longer do that, o people aren't happy. Some people recognize that they no longer have power over you and they're going to try to regain that power.
00:16:59
Speaker
So that is a difficult time to navigate as the person who is no longer people pleasing. And it can be even more difficult because we spend so much time with their approval being the barometer of our worth.
00:17:15
Speaker
The other thing you can do is essentially practice that disapproval
Practicing Boundary Setting
00:17:18
Speaker
muscle. You can start small with a low-risk situation, maybe expressing a different opinion, maybe an unpopular opinion, maybe set a small boundary with someone that you might feel a little bit safer with, and just notice the discomfort in doing so. Notice the discomfort when they're surprised that you're setting the boundary,
00:17:38
Speaker
And kind of just practice sitting with that discomfort a little bit and the the shock afterwards that you did the thing. um You know, do that instead of immediately backtracking. Just kind of sit with it let it be in the room and get used to that discomfort because it's going to be there for a while until you're really confident and no longer are people pleasing
00:18:02
Speaker
When we look at our self-worth as being dependent upon other people's opinions of ourselves and we no longer want to do that, we have to begin to diversify our approval
Self-Approval and Support System
00:18:13
Speaker
sources.
00:18:13
Speaker
One has definitely got to come from you. That's that's the most important one, okay? You have to approve of yourself. um But also as people, we can't put all of our eggs in one basket in one person, essentially. OK, like we need to diversify our community.
00:18:29
Speaker
We need to have multiple communities, multiple relationships, multiple friendships. And so that if one person isn't. happy with us or isn't happy that we're no longer like people pleasing, that we're not going to put our entire sense of self into that one person. um And I think that this definitely helps in the ah short term.
00:18:53
Speaker
Naturally, as a person, you want your approval and sense of self-worth to come from the self. But when we are healing that part who always seeks it from external sources, it's important to have healthy friendships and communities that we depend on that can reflect a healthy sense of self-worth to us as well.
00:19:15
Speaker
Especially if, say, like you're like in a romantic relationship where you're no longer people-pleasing, having the healthy friendship that's going to give you validation in that way is going to be important while you're healing your sense of self-worth.
Affirmations for Self-Worth
00:19:30
Speaker
The other thing i always talk about as well, definitely affirmations. That can go a long way, having a little mantra to remind yourself of your self-worth and to remind you of the value you bring just as an individual and not because of the way you can bend yourself backwards for another person.
00:19:47
Speaker
Having that mantra, especially while you are working on No longer people pleasing and navigating that discomfort is going to be incredibly important. It's going to be a quick reminder when you're like in that discomfort as well.
00:20:00
Speaker
So think of whatever one is going to really impact you, one that's really they're going to resonate with you. Keep it short and sweet so that in those moments you can call back to it.
00:20:12
Speaker
At the end of the day, when we are navigating how to heal from people pleasing and learning to sit with that discomfort of being within someone's disapproval, essentially, it is incredibly difficult.
Preparing for Disapproval and Health
00:20:25
Speaker
And I recognize that and i recognize that it's it's so much easier to talk about than to actually practice. And that's why when we are going about this, Find small ways where you can start to flex that muscle and prepare. when If you know when it's going to happen, prepare for those situations that you know it's going to be a bigger disapproval or maybe a person that like causes you a lot of stress.
00:20:52
Speaker
I know that you're capable of doing this. At the end of the day, your health, your peace, your your life is so much more important than this one person's like use of you. Okay.
00:21:10
Speaker
And this one person's or people's person's plural, um, approval of you. Because at the end of the day, if someone is just used to your people pleasing and that's all that they like you in their life for that's not worth being in your life. Okay. That's not a healthy relationship.
00:21:33
Speaker
I would say that if you are struggling with this, you want to take a time to pause, um maybe take some time to journal a little bit. You can even think about what it would be like or what would you be doing differently if you weren't so concerned with other people's approval.
00:21:51
Speaker
How is it possibly holding you back?
00:21:57
Speaker
if you stayed this far, I definitely appreciate it And thank you for tuning in today to the Growing With Soul podcast. If this resonated with you and you've been enjoying the podcast, definitely follow along for more
Engagement with the Podcast
00:22:10
Speaker
episodes. Give this episode a like and don't forget to leave a review. It definitely helps in growing our community.
00:22:16
Speaker
Additionally, if you would like some support in this journey, if you are currently working through all of this, you can schedule your very own discovery call with me in the show notes and i'd be happy to talk to you about it.
00:22:29
Speaker
Until next time, keep growing.