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Legacy of Change: How Healing Your Validation Addiction Impacts Future Generations
10 Plays5 days ago
This is the hard truth about how your healing journey doesn't just change your life - it rewrites your family's entire story. The moment when you realize that the validation-seeking patterns causing you pain right now are the same ones you might be unconsciously teaching the next generation.
Here's what's really happening with intergenerational people pleasing:
- People pleasing is learned behavior - through modeling (watching parents handle conflict), direct teaching ("don't make waves," "what will people think?"), and emotional reinforcement (conditional love based on good behavior)
- Children absorb relationship templates from what they observe, creating emotional inheritance that intensifies with each generation
- Identity formation struggles when kids are constantly told to put others first instead of developing a strong sense of self
- Ineffective decision-making patterns where major life choices get deferred to others instead of considering your own needs
- The ripple effect: how your healing work impacts not just you but generations to come
- Practical strategies: modeling healthy boundaries, validating authentic expression even when inconvenient, normalizing disagreement, and making repair visible
- The beautiful truth that when you break these patterns, you create a completely different legacy
From buying my dog a $150 ice blanket while I don't have one (learned from watching my mom always put our needs first) to recognizing how cultural messages like "quieter equals prettier" shaped generations of women, this episode exposes how family patterns repeat until someone decides to break the cycle.
Because here's what I know: you can't model healthy behavior without embodying it yourself. But when you do the inner work to heal your own relationship with validation, the ramifications are wonderful and lasting.
The work you're doing today doesn't just benefit you - it benefits the children you may have, their children, and so many generations to come.
🎧 Related Episode: Embracing Disapproval - This is the gentle guide for when you've decided to stop people pleasing but that uncomfortable feeling has you frozen.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that breaking generational patterns starts with your own healing.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! What people pleasing patterns do you see in your family across generations? DM me your reflections on Instagram @YourCoachMari
💬 LET'S CONNECT:
Send in questions: contact+podcast@marisolmoran.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Growing with Sol Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello beautiful souls and welcome to the Growing with Sol podcast where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:15
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that feature us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:27
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everyone else first or battled self-doubt, you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself.
00:00:39
Speaker
Come grow with me.
What is Intergenerational Trauma?
00:00:41
Speaker
In this episode, we are going to be looking at that intergenerational trauma. Okay, like that intergenerational trauma that so many of us talk about, that so many of us recognize,
00:00:55
Speaker
And if you're kind of new to the term, it can feel almost a little bit elusive. You're just kind of like, I know my family messed me up and I know they're still kind of messed up, but I don't really know how.
00:01:07
Speaker
I feel you. I feel you. Sometimes the trauma is so big, you can't really pinpoint it and pinpoint how it affected you. But if you've been following along the last few episodes in essentially this like people pleaser series,
00:01:23
Speaker
That's what we're going to be focusing on today. Intergenerational trauma a la people-pleasing, okay? And how that manifests within different generations and affects future generations.
00:01:35
Speaker
So let's let's get into the nature of it. What is the nature of essentially intergenerational people-pleasing?
Modeling and Observing Behaviors
00:01:46
Speaker
Essentially, people-pleasing is a learned behavior. It's not something that we just do naturally and we had to learn it from somewhere. For a lot of us, it could have been learned from our parents. And that's probably probably most of us.
00:02:01
Speaker
Like, let's be real. So what's one way that it shows up? And that is modeling. So as children, we don't just learn by being directly taught.
00:02:15
Speaker
I would say a lot of the learning that we do as children is by modeling behavior, speech patterns, what have you, from the people around us. So essentially, children absorb how even their own parents interact with others and handle conflict.
00:02:30
Speaker
Children are constantly watching you, okay? They're always observing. Even when you don't think they're paying attention, they are paying attention, So they are watching how you respond when someone is upset with you.
00:02:41
Speaker
They notice whether you prioritize your own needs or constantly defer to others. And let me tell you how this shows up in a not so serious way with me. Like I grew up watching my mom always put our needs first as kids.
00:02:59
Speaker
And like, obviously like that makes sense. Like it's your children. Like obviously like their needs are going to come before yours, like especially to a certain degree. Like I get that. But like, now I don't have any kids. I want to be fully transferred. I do not have children.
00:03:15
Speaker
But I have for a child. Okay? I have mochi. And like, the way i would literally starve just so mochi would have food. Like, I would just survive off of, like, pinch tortillas just so Mochi could have his salmone en pollito and croquetas.
00:03:33
Speaker
Like, okay, I would rather starve than let Mochi be without. And he's a dog. But like my mom would do that all the time. Like my mom went years and years without buying clothes.
00:03:47
Speaker
like Like my mom would buy my sister and I like a Victoria's Secret bra. Back when Victoria's Secret was like the thing. And what did my mom do? She would go to like Kmart and like Walmart and buy her bras there. Okay. So that's like a not so serious example of modeling because now I feel that way about Moj.
00:04:05
Speaker
where Literally, I bought Mochi and a $150 ice blanket for the summer. okay i I live in Los Angeles. It gets really hot here. We're upstairs. So he gets the ice blanket. Do I get the ice blanket? No.
00:04:17
Speaker
Does Mochi get the ice blanket? Yes. so But anyway, when it comes to people pleasing, our parents, if they are people pleasers, they model that behavior to us
00:04:32
Speaker
Okay? So if if that is you, if you think that might be your situation, take some time to think about it because I can, I've i've seen it with my own eyes, okay?
00:04:43
Speaker
Where the parents, the caregivers, the guardians, they model that people-pleasing behavior so you adopt it. You absorb it into your little child brain and then that's how you behave later on.
00:04:55
Speaker
And then there is also direct teaching. So this is where children are given explicit, a very direct lessons and messages about how they are supposed to behave and interact with others in various types of relationships.
00:05:11
Speaker
So this can be someone telling you not to make any waves. This could be someone telling you that you need to be able to like keep the peace at all costs. Also, like, I think a common one as well, maybe not so much anymore, but definitely, i think previously was like, well, no, what will people think?
00:05:26
Speaker
You know, what will the family think if you do this? You know, like, being worried about and being told, like, if you do that, like, what is some, like, what the opinions of the people are basically more important than, like, what you're wanting to do.
Cultural Influence on People-Pleasing
00:05:38
Speaker
And then for Latinos, I think a really big one is calladita culture. So that whole phrase of, like, calladita te ves mas bonita. And essentially, and specifically for women,
00:05:49
Speaker
being told that like, if you're quiet, essentially like the quieter you are, the prettier you are. So women are not supposed to speak, not supposed to be outspoken, express their opinions, express their thoughts or be confrontational or engage in any kind of conflict.
00:06:05
Speaker
Like just again, be a people pleaser, go with the flow, don't make any waves, don't say anything that's going to upset anybody. Now, but thankfully that is not,
00:06:19
Speaker
something that I was raised with, um at least not like directly. think, I mean, i don't want to like speak for my mom, but I feel like she kind of had some of that, that she had to like learn to get away from.
00:06:34
Speaker
And i'm I'm naturally just more of a quiet person. So I feel like unfortunately by nature who I am, i'm not the most ah vocal person in general, you know, unless I'm really close with you.
00:06:51
Speaker
But like that was something that in terms of like intergenerational trauma, like my mom did heal that one aspect because my mom is very outspoken and it's like,
00:07:03
Speaker
like a running joke that like my mom always has questions. Like my mom was the parent in the parent teacher conference who would like always ask all the questions all the time. And I love that. Okay.
00:07:15
Speaker
I needed to learn how to do more of that. But for my Latinas out there, if you had to grow up with, kaita bestz what the best was bonita you're not alone. Okay. A lot, a lot of Latinas had to grow up with that and had to learn that that's fucked up.
00:07:33
Speaker
And that we want you to be outspoken and to express yourself and to call people out. So that is one way of direct teaching within Latino culture, cultures, parentheses.
00:07:45
Speaker
um Another one is emotional reinforcement. So essentially, these are subtle rewards and punishments. So um rewards and punishments that shape behavior. So when as a child were you getting praised? When were you being rewarded? When were you being punished, put on time out, grounded, you know, spoken Like, what were the behaviors that led to those things?
00:08:09
Speaker
So were you giving praise for being super helpful or being such a good girl or a good boy was affection withdrawn when you were trying to assert boundaries as a child?
00:08:23
Speaker
Which I think, unfortunately, for a lot of children, boundaries aren't respected. And i also say this as someone who I feel like, again, I don't – I do not engage in, like, what is, like, the trend for parenting other than, like, gentle parenting and stuff that I know about.
00:08:46
Speaker
But also, i was raised by a social worker so who worked with children. So i I feel like the way, for me growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, how I was raised was very different from even like how my cousins were raised and how like the parenting styles of like my aunts and uncles compared to like my mom and my dad.
00:09:09
Speaker
So in terms of like boundaries being respected and stuff is something that when it comes to kids, I picked up on even earlier and I'm really sensitive to.
Boundaries and Identity Formation
00:09:23
Speaker
and then even more so now as someone who like has thought even more deeply about it. So i think that is something to think about as well within your own childhood, like where your boundaries respected as a kid and we were trying to like assert them.
00:09:39
Speaker
And that's,
00:09:43
Speaker
It's one of those things that like, when as a child, if you're trying to assert a boundary and it's not respected, you grow up with thinking that like it's pointless. And then as an adult, you're not really setting boundaries anymore because you were taught as a kid that it's kind of pointless through your parents' behavior, essentially.
00:10:01
Speaker
Additionally, going back to the previous point of how were you praised? Was it because you were being helpful? Was it because you were going above and beyond what was even necessary in order to like make someone else happy or something? Or the only time you got praise is if you succeeded in something, got all straight A's or won a championship.
00:10:22
Speaker
And that was the only time you ever were like good enough. deep stuff to really think about. And essentially through those three different things, you know, you have essentially ah generation of people who learn that love and acceptance are conditional ah upon others' happiness.
00:10:42
Speaker
And when you're child and you have that belief, whether you realize it or not, you are then going to go into your adulthood operating off that same premise. So essentially we have that in our childhood stage.
00:10:56
Speaker
How are we then taking that on? how is it moving with us through life? And really, it's it's the It's where you get to focus on yourself.
00:11:09
Speaker
and And in a way, I know it, it like, be selfish. it Because it feels selfish even though it's not. So we use that vocabulary. It's actually something that I used um with a former client of mine. We really worked on his concept of selfishness, um which I think I may have spoken about it in previous episodes. But...
00:11:30
Speaker
how when we finally start to put ourselves first, it feels like we're being selfish, even though we're finally setting healthy boundaries and putting ourselves first and really taking care of ourselves.
00:11:41
Speaker
And that's not a selfish thing. But... When we essentially have learned this behavior of people pleasing, it doesn't just stay with us. We're not like a little silo of a human being. It does have ripple effects.
00:11:57
Speaker
So what are some ways that it ripples outwards? So let's say you do have children. How does it then affect your children? You are then now modeling behaviors for them.
00:12:12
Speaker
So you are now teaching them essentially like relationship templates. So now your child is going to internalize how relationships, quote unquote, should work or look like based on what they observe.
00:12:26
Speaker
they are now also going to have this emotional inheritance as well. So these are unexpressed emotions and unmet needs that are passed down, often intensifying with each generation. So if you were trying to set a boundary as a child and you were shut down, um and then you then operate in the same way with your own children, you're just prolonging the trauma, okay? You're passing it down.
00:12:50
Speaker
Like the worst family inheritance ever to exist, okay? And we don't want to do that. Identity formation. I believe this is a thing that I talked about either in the last episode or the one before that, how being a people pleaser can often cause a sort of
00:13:08
Speaker
like disjointed or a struggle with your own identity. And essentially that is something that we can then be passing down to our kids if we are modeling people pleasing or even directly teaching people pleasing behaviors where children might struggle with identity formation because often children of people pleasers struggle to develop a strong sense of self.
00:13:29
Speaker
Think about it. if you If you're constantly being denied, your parents are constantly denying you of yourself, your own expression, then how are you supposed to truly come into yourself as you are growing up?
00:13:43
Speaker
Because that is a huge part of growing up. like
00:13:47
Speaker
you're You're a little human being and part of being a human being is learning who you are. i mean, that's why teenagers go through so many different changes and different like phases and trying to figure out what they like and what they believe in, what are their values.
00:14:01
Speaker
And if you're constantly shut down and told to put other people first and other people's opinions first growing up, how are you ever supposed to actually figure out who you are?
00:14:14
Speaker
and Another thing that can be passed down through this intergenerational trauma of people-pleasing is our unhealthy, maybe insufficient or rather, um what's the correct word?
00:14:31
Speaker
ineffective, are ineffective decision-making patterns. So this could be the habit of deferring to other people when you're making a decision. So essentially, you're not making the decision, you're putting it on somebody else to make the decision for you.
00:14:44
Speaker
And this can impact major life choices, major life choices. The first one that comes to mind would be someone who like is young, maybe in their first relationship, maybe their first time in love.
00:14:58
Speaker
And it's like, well, I'm going to go to whichever college he goes to. We applied to all the same colleges. So we're hoping that we get into the same one. Like, girl, this isn't a Lifetime movie. like Like, what do you want to do? What do you want to study? What's going to be the best university for You Yeah.
00:15:18
Speaker
So something like that, like that's a major life decision that you're then putting on somebody else and you're foregoing for somebody else essentially because you're not thinking about yourself and your own best interests, but essentially leaving it up to the universe and this other person.
00:15:35
Speaker
That's just one example, but you get what I'm trying to say.
00:15:40
Speaker
So ultimately we can pass this down to our children. And those are a few ways that it can, that it can happen. But how do we stop it?
Healing and Breaking Cycles
00:15:52
Speaker
We work on ourselves, okay? If we don't wanna pass down our people pleasing ways, our horrible inheritance of this, this intergenerational trauma, we wanna stop it in its tracks, what do we do?
00:16:06
Speaker
We heal ourselves. Easier said than done. Easier said than done. But if you are here, then you are already working on this. So if you're a parent, a mentor, or if there's just someone else in your life that you can tell kind of has some of these traits that you might recognize,
00:16:25
Speaker
in them from yourself, maybe a former self, um you have a really unique opportunity to help break the cycle. So again, like I mentioned, the very first step is obviously you have to do the inner work.
00:16:38
Speaker
You have to put in the time and the effort to heal your own stuff. Okay. You got to do the journaling. You got to do whatever it is that's going to help you to really lock in with how you're operating, why you're operating and how you can switch from external validation to internal validation.
00:17:04
Speaker
Maybe that's setting more boundaries. Maybe that's keeping the boundaries once you set them. Maybe it is something else that is unique to you. But you have to put in that work because you can't model healthy behavior 100% without embodying that as well.
00:17:25
Speaker
And perhaps even in that, like modeling the healing work as well, modeling the inner work, that can be part of the process too.
00:17:35
Speaker
So like I already mentioned, modeling those healthy boundaries and also like letting your children see you respectfully say no to things and standing firm in that boundary.
00:17:48
Speaker
It's important for children to learn that conflict isn't this catastrophic thing. It's very important for that to be the case. And I do recall a moment where that was something that a family member of mine, they were out shopping and they had like a ah conflict, ah a dispute with like a vendor or something got a store. And like the person was very not customer servicey and it was getting a little heated.
00:18:23
Speaker
And their their kid was just kind of like stressed, like ah getting upset by the conflict that they were witnessing. Not that it was anything crazy, but clearly like both parties were upset.
00:18:35
Speaker
And, you know, the parent was like, no, like i this is the good the person at the store was like, I need to shut this down. Like, look at your kid. Their kid is freaking out. Like you need to calm down and da, da, da. And like the parent was like, no.
00:18:48
Speaker
This is wrong. What you said and did are wrong. And my kid needs to learn that when something wrong is happening, they can stand up for themselves. And that is that. That right there is incredibly important.
00:19:03
Speaker
Another thing that we can do when it comes to healing and stopping this intergenerational trauma in its tracks is validating your kid's authentic expression of themselves.
00:19:17
Speaker
So celebrate when they express their true feelings, even when it's inconvenient. Because let's be real, like feelings are inconvenient. Like, you know, when we're upset, like, it's never, it's never a good time to be upset, you know?
00:19:34
Speaker
So when your child is upset about something or expressing that they disagree and they're being brave enough to share that, like, You have to make time for it. You have to allow it to be and engage in discussion.
00:19:47
Speaker
Again, like kids, they're little people. They are people with their own thoughts and feelings and personalities. And I think that is a beautiful thing. So let them just be them.
00:20:00
Speaker
And that might mean that they disagree with you. You got to have that conversation.
00:20:07
Speaker
Similarly, normalize the disagreement, okay? Show that healthy relationships can include differences of opinion. So you can have a disagreement and it'd be perfectly fine. You can do that by modeling it with, say, like your friendships, maybe your romantic partner and your child witnessing that, that you have respectful disagreement.
00:20:25
Speaker
Maybe you have respectful disagreement with your kid and allowing that there's a difference of opinion here and, like, we're totally still cool. That's really important.
00:20:36
Speaker
Another thing that's really important as well is making repair visible. So when you slip into people pleasing, talk about it openly and how you're working to change. This goes back to my previous point of maybe part of the modeling process is allowing them to witness at least some, if not all, of the healing work.
00:20:59
Speaker
You know, you're not perfect, even though you're a parent and you're the adult and you're supposed to be modeling this behavior. So you stop this intergenerational trauma. We're human and we make mistakes and we slip up into old habits.
00:21:11
Speaker
You can acknowledge it without judgment and give yourself grace like we always talk about and keep moving forward to keep repairing and healing. And allowing your kid to see that and to see that, okay, well, you can still make mistakes and and still be on that path of healing is incredibly important.
00:21:32
Speaker
Ultimately, this whole episode is truly pointing out that when you take the time to work on yourself and to heal the things that have caused you so much pain, the ramifications can be wonderful.
00:21:50
Speaker
The consequences can be beautiful and have such a positive effect on the generations to come. So
Resources and Reflection for Growth
00:21:58
Speaker
if you're out there and you're struggling, know that the work you are doing is not only going to benefit you in the short term, but the children that you may have, their children that they may have, and so many other generations to come.
00:22:14
Speaker
One of the things I do want to leave you with is a journal prompt. So if you have the time, go ahead and sit down and take some time to think on this, write about it, maybe leave a little voice note if that's easier.
00:22:26
Speaker
But I leave you with this. What people-pleasing patterns do I see in my family across generations? If you made it this far, I definitely appreciate it Thank you for sticking with me.
00:22:38
Speaker
If you liked this episode, give it a like and a review because it helps push this out to more people who need to listen to it and to hear it And of course, don't forget to subscribe. If you are working on this process and would like some extra support, maybe some accountability, i am accepting new clients and you can schedule your very own discovery call with me in the show notes.
00:23:01
Speaker
Until next time, keep growing.