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Coping with Grief and Loss When All You Have Left Are Memories with Allison Gilbert
23 Plays4 years ago
Welcome to another episode of The Glam Reaper podcast, where Jennifer imparts all her knowledge and experiences about the different aspects of life, love, loss, and funerals, together with her special guests!
In this amazing episode, Jennifer had a wonderful time chatting with Allison Gilbert, a gifted woman who is the author of four books and who is currently working on her fifth. She’s spent the last decades writing for the New York Times, several magazines, and some newspaper companies, while working as a producer at CNN and MSNBC.
But there is more to Allison than just her literary achievements. Her life is evidence of her strength as well. Having experienced loss at a very young age when her parents passed away, she has since been on a mission to use her words to share with others how to cope with grief and loss. And with the COVID-19 pandemic still raging, Allison’s books, blog posts, and courses are proving to be a great resource in helping many to cope with the tragic turn of events in their lives.
Tune in to our conversation as Allison and Jennifer talk about the importance of resilience, how to overcome loss and grief, her blogs, as well as catch an overview of her online courses.
LITTLE NUGGETS OF GOLD:
- Allison’s incredible story
- How to be resilient in times of loss and grief
- A sneak peak into Allison’s books
- The importance of being comfortable about what you do
- Why you should focus only on what you can control
Connect with Allison Gilbert:
Website: www.AllisonGilbert.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/agilbertwriter
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/agilbertwriter
Twitter: https://twitter.com/agilbertwriter
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/agilbertwriter
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper:
Facebook Page - Muldowney Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/MuldowneyMemorials/
Facebook Page - Rainbow Bridge Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbridgememorialsdotcom
Instagram - @muldowneymemorials & @jennifermuldowney
Twitter - @TheGlamReaper
Email us here: glamreaperpodcast@gmail.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to The Glam Reaper Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Hi, my name is Jennifer Muldowney, aka The Glam Reaper, and I'm super excited to finally bring The Glam Reaper podcast to your ears and your eyes on YouTube.
00:00:13
Speaker
This show will focus on stories about love, life and loss, and we'll also have a massive input from the funeral world, since that is the world I live in.
Meet Alison Gilbert: Grief Expert and Author
00:00:22
Speaker
Without further ado, please let me welcome this episode's guest, Alison Gilbert, who is a guru at grief and how to deal with it.
00:00:33
Speaker
So let's get into it.
00:00:38
Speaker
Welcoming Alison to the show.
00:00:41
Speaker
Alison is an incredible author and journalist.
00:00:45
Speaker
Alison, how many books is it now?
00:00:47
Speaker
Oh, you are so sweet.
00:00:48
Speaker
I've written four and I'm working on number five.
00:00:51
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:00:51
Speaker
I mean, as a writer myself, I just, I know the heartache and the strength it takes to write each of these books.
00:00:59
Speaker
And it is just such an incredible tribute to you and your determination in what will evolve into us discussing this topic later today.
00:01:08
Speaker
As you know, in the Glam Reaper, we talk about love, life and loss of which you have experience of all three.
00:01:15
Speaker
And so what I want Alison to do is give us a little bit of a backstory as to why you were on this podcast and how you and I came to know each other and the journey you've been on.
Personal Journey: Coping with Early Loss
00:01:27
Speaker
Well, sure.
00:01:28
Speaker
I would say I come to this conversation, one, as a friend.
00:01:32
Speaker
I just so enjoy getting to know you over these years, and we can get into that, you know, for sure.
00:01:39
Speaker
But I come to this conversation from two different pieces of my background.
00:01:44
Speaker
One is the personal, and the other one is the professional.
00:01:48
Speaker
And one really informs the other.
00:01:51
Speaker
From a personal standpoint, I've had my own losses.
00:01:55
Speaker
I've lost both of my parents relatively young.
00:01:58
Speaker
I was a young adult when both of them passed away separately, but within a few years of each other.
00:02:04
Speaker
So I really started my young adult life, my career, getting married, having children without them there as my tether and as my guidepost.
00:02:14
Speaker
And so I really do understand what it's like to face a
00:02:18
Speaker
moving forward professionally and also in my personal life without the two people who I, of course, I wish I could share that and all of those experiences with.
00:02:30
Speaker
And then professionally, I've been a journalist for years.
From Journalism to Grief Advocacy
00:02:34
Speaker
I now write occasionally for the New York Times.
00:02:36
Speaker
I have written for many magazines and newspapers.
00:02:39
Speaker
I've reported and been a producer at CNN and MSNBC.
00:02:44
Speaker
And so I wanted to use all of my reporting
00:02:48
Speaker
skills and all of my research skills to start writing and researching and really telling the story about loss and grief.
00:02:58
Speaker
But really, almost as important as those is the resilience piece and how we can keep the memory of our loved ones alive.
00:03:08
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:03:09
Speaker
And so one of many things that I so admire about you, Alison, and what you bring to the table is, well, first of all, I'm extremely lucky.
00:03:19
Speaker
I still have both my parents.
00:03:20
Speaker
And so whenever I meet somebody who, and obviously in what I do, I on a daily basis meet people who have lost their parents or are currently going through it.
00:03:29
Speaker
it always breaks my heart that I, that you didn't have what I have still today.
00:03:35
Speaker
And so I can only imagine going through those absolutely epic moments of having children and getting married.
00:03:42
Speaker
And I don't have children, I haven't gotten married.
00:03:45
Speaker
So, you know, there's still that there.
00:03:47
Speaker
But anyway, it's what you've taken from your loss and you've taken from your, so your personal and your professional, as you said, and you've molded them together.
00:03:59
Speaker
You know, you just said you've written four books on your fifth.
00:04:03
Speaker
Tell us about your books and what each one of them, I mean, I have a couple of them here, and what each one of them brings and gives back out into the world.
00:04:10
Speaker
Because you really took your grief and you shaped it and put it in a productive way.
00:04:15
Speaker
Yeah, I would say all of the books really explore and really strip away any of the pleasantries around grief.
00:04:24
Speaker
So if you want a straight shooter, if you want an author who's going to kind of tell you the way it is, I would say my books are meant for you.
00:04:34
Speaker
If you want platitudes, if you want poetry or psalms or poetry,
00:04:40
Speaker
blessings or something that feels a little bit more there, there, pat you on the back, it'll be okay.
00:04:48
Speaker
That's really not where I'm coming from.
00:04:50
Speaker
So the first couple of books have been about the experience of, well, what does it mean to move forward without your mom and dad there as your guide?
00:05:00
Speaker
What does it do to you to be ripped open in such a way?
00:05:04
Speaker
And how does it impact the
00:05:06
Speaker
the way you go into a marriage, how it impacts your relationships with your spouse.
00:05:13
Speaker
Maybe it's your feelings of mortality and how that really translates to how you actually raise your own children and levels of anxiety that you may or may not experience because of your loss exposure at whatever age you were.
Adapting Grief Support in the COVID Era
00:05:30
Speaker
And so now because of COVID-19, I've really started using that word
00:05:35
Speaker
breadth of work and I've pivoted and I've developed these four new e-courses that are all on demand because I wanted to amplify what I was doing.
00:05:45
Speaker
I didn't want to just rest on my laurels of these books.
00:05:49
Speaker
Of course, I have a blog too, but it's the e-courses that I feel that are really in response to this moment that we are in
00:05:57
Speaker
right now.
00:05:58
Speaker
And I want it to be accessible to as many people as I possibly could.
00:06:02
Speaker
Because before COVID, you know, I would speak around the country, I would travel, I would get on planes, and I would speak to a group.
00:06:10
Speaker
And while that was incredibly satisfying, and I love that work,
00:06:16
Speaker
There's something even just different and richer and just extraordinary about what we're doing right now.
00:06:22
Speaker
Right, Jennifer?
00:06:23
Speaker
Like we're doing a podcast, we're conducting this with technology and you can meet a lot more people where they are, even if they are home.
00:06:33
Speaker
by doing the kind of work that you and I are both doing right now during this pandemic.
00:06:38
Speaker
And so I feel very fortunate to have been able to pivot and add to my work, not just the writing of articles or essays or books, but now doing these e-courses.
00:06:49
Speaker
You actually hit on an incredible topic there and one that I've actually had with other guests, which is for the subject that we are talking about, whether it's funerals, loss, death, grief, whatever in that particular realm and that part of what we're talking about today.
00:07:08
Speaker
It's fascinating because the Zooms, the Google Meets, the e-courses, the FaceTimes, the different technology we're using, I actually feel in a weird way is allowing people, as you just said, to meet them where they're at.
00:07:23
Speaker
When I've been interviewed, that's one of my skill sets as a memorial planner is,
00:07:29
Speaker
When I walk in to meet a family, I'm not going to wear a solemn, Adam's family sort of a, you know, kind of a, I'm so sorry for your loss and speak in a tone.
00:07:39
Speaker
That's not what I bring to the party as such.
00:07:43
Speaker
It's, I meet them where they're at.
00:07:45
Speaker
Do they want to have a bit of humor?
00:07:47
Speaker
Do they want to talk about mom and dad and the romance that they had?
00:07:51
Speaker
Do they want to, what do they want?
00:07:53
Speaker
Like, you have to meet them where they're at and that's the compassion in the job.
00:07:58
Speaker
And so what's interesting about COVID-19, and you literally just hit it on the head, was that we can meet people where they're at in their own time.
00:08:07
Speaker
So I'm talking from my home here in Queens in New York to your home in New York.
00:08:12
Speaker
I've got an iced coffee beside me.
00:08:15
Speaker
I have my comfy tracksuit bottoms on, I'm not going to lie.
00:08:19
Speaker
I have a lovely cardigan.
00:08:21
Speaker
all of that wouldn't be possible.
00:08:23
Speaker
Now, you and I are professionally having this conversation, right?
00:08:27
Speaker
And so that's fine.
00:08:28
Speaker
But when you're talking about grief and therapy and all of these things, honestly, comfort is a huge part of it and making sure you feel safe and trusted and in an environment that is
Creating Accessible Grief Resources
00:08:41
Speaker
trusting.
00:08:41
Speaker
So having on your pajamas or having your favorite mug of hot chocolate or coffee can sometimes make that better.
00:08:49
Speaker
We had one guest who she trained to be a death doula in COVID-19.
00:08:55
Speaker
And it was something she always wanted to do.
00:08:57
Speaker
She said that she actually felt 20 times more safe and happy to do it because she was able to do it from her home and didn't have to travel to New Jersey.
00:09:07
Speaker
She had a thing against New Jersey anyway, so that was the whole thing.
00:09:10
Speaker
But it was more comfortable for her.
00:09:11
Speaker
She probably brought more to the table, I think probably because she was able to show up in her way.
00:09:19
Speaker
And I think that's key.
00:09:21
Speaker
The courses that you're doing, describe to me a little bit about them as to what's going on with them or what.
00:09:26
Speaker
And obviously, we're going to put all your information so that people can have access to it.
00:09:30
Speaker
AlisonGilbert.com.
00:09:32
Speaker
But tell us a little bit about the courses and what people would expect from them.
00:09:36
Speaker
Well, you were just talking about how, as we're saying goodbye, is so different these days.
00:09:43
Speaker
And what you do, Jennifer, is meet families where they are.
00:09:47
Speaker
One of the courses, what really put me in the direction of developing these on-demand courses, and if people want to find out more about them,
00:09:55
Speaker
It's allisongilbert.com slash courses.
00:09:59
Speaker
But the first one that developed during COVID-19 is literally about how to make virtual memorials, because of course, so many families have been forced to design and create and organize events.
00:10:15
Speaker
These unprecedented ways of saying goodbye where you can't be either with the person who you are losing because of COVID-19, but also for the purposes of the course, you can't even gather together as a family in the ways that you may want to.
00:10:35
Speaker
to derive comfort because of the pandemic.
00:10:38
Speaker
And so the How to Organize Virtual Memorial gives anyone who joins this course the exact tools they need to design, create, organize,
00:10:52
Speaker
the kind of memorial that will really honor your loved one the way you would have if it wasn't COVID-19.
00:10:59
Speaker
I think sometimes a Zoom doesn't feel like it cuts it.
00:11:05
Speaker
You don't feel like you're honoring your loved one the way he or she deserves.
00:11:10
Speaker
And so I give you strategies.
00:11:12
Speaker
I offer opportunities to do things in a far more creative.
00:11:16
Speaker
I mean, you're creative, Jennifer, in a far more creative way.
00:11:20
Speaker
that can really actually bring a level of intimacy that may seem surprising given the fact that it's virtual.
00:11:29
Speaker
So there are lots of ideas to make it feel more of that one-on-one connection that you might've had if you had a traditional wake or a traditional Shiva or visitation hours.
00:11:43
Speaker
I walk you through how
00:11:46
Speaker
to make this feel a lot more intimate.
00:11:48
Speaker
So that's just one of the courses and there's three others.
00:11:51
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:52
Speaker
When you say courses, are they a four week course?
00:11:55
Speaker
Is it, do you download everything right now?
00:11:58
Speaker
And is it a list of 10 ways to do it or just to give people a bit of an idea of structure?
00:12:04
Speaker
Cause yeah, of course.
00:12:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:06
Speaker
I think because of their both, they're all grief related.
00:12:10
Speaker
I've made them very short.
00:12:11
Speaker
Nothing is weeks long.
00:12:13
Speaker
It is literally, they're all less than one hour.
00:12:15
Speaker
They're all on demand.
00:12:17
Speaker
They all come with free downloadable resources that'll help you do whatever is the topic that we are discussing.
00:12:24
Speaker
You can get one course, two courses, or get all four, you know, like whatever people want, they can cherry pick.
00:12:31
Speaker
The other courses that I'm doing, one is about anxiety and grief.
00:12:35
Speaker
And so
00:12:36
Speaker
if you are really struggling right now, and so many people are, if you want to learn more about the connectedness between grief and anxiety and really learn the top tips, tools, strategies, books, podcasts, meditations, you know, things that you can do to really bring down the level of anxious anxiety,
00:13:00
Speaker
thinking that you may be having right now, even the apps that I think are must have right now and that are free.
00:13:08
Speaker
These are all the downloads that are available with the course.
00:13:11
Speaker
And again, it's all less than 45 minutes of video content and it's on demand.
00:13:16
Speaker
So if you're up and you can't sleep and you want to watch it at three o'clock in the morning, that's totally fine.
00:13:23
Speaker
If you want to watch it in the morning while maybe you have kids and they're finally in their Zoom class for school and
00:13:29
Speaker
If you only have that amount of time, then watch it during the day.
00:13:33
Speaker
That's why I made them on demand and they're one-shot deals.
00:13:36
Speaker
So you don't have to feel like you're in a sustained relationship with these courses, which I think is really, really important to do.
00:13:43
Speaker
So we have a virtual memorials course.
00:13:47
Speaker
We have a grief and anxiety course.
00:13:50
Speaker
Again, both less than an hour.
00:13:52
Speaker
And the last two courses, I am really excited
00:13:55
Speaker
super excited about.
00:13:57
Speaker
And I don't think there are these courses anywhere, Jennifer, and it's really about how to get some agency back in your life.
00:14:05
Speaker
If you feel powerless when it comes to loss, and of course, that is how so many of us feel.
00:14:12
Speaker
Loss is out of our control.
00:14:14
Speaker
So what can you control?
00:14:16
Speaker
you can control how you remember your loved ones.
00:14:21
Speaker
And so those two courses that I am about to mention are all about that, how to celebrate your loved one, how to keep their memory alive.
00:14:33
Speaker
One course is about objects and heirlooms.
00:14:36
Speaker
So those sentimental possessions that you have, how to organize them, what to keep, what to give away, what to donate.
00:14:43
Speaker
And if you do choose something,
00:14:45
Speaker
to hang on to many of them, what can you do with them to make them
00:14:51
Speaker
give you more joy, make you happier?
00:14:55
Speaker
How can you transform these objects into your current life?
00:15:00
Speaker
So that's one course about objects and heirlooms.
00:15:04
Speaker
And the other one is called Photos and More.
00:15:07
Speaker
We all have old photographs, scrapbooks, 35 millimeter slides, old home movies, VHS tapes.
00:15:14
Speaker
You get the idea.
00:15:16
Speaker
What can you do
00:15:17
Speaker
In addition to digitizing them, what else can you do so they can really spark the opportunity to talk about your loved one and say their name out loud?
00:15:31
Speaker
So all these opportunities, the photos and more course, and also the objects and heirlooms course, they're all about keeping your loved ones with you, staying connected.
00:15:45
Speaker
Alison, to me, that's sort of what brought our paths together.
00:15:48
Speaker
You're like, I was just laughing there because you actually hit what I was going to say.
00:15:53
Speaker
You're like the renowned Marie Kondo
00:15:56
Speaker
but for loss objects, you know, for grief and for memory.
00:15:59
Speaker
I love her.
00:16:00
Speaker
I love Marie Kondo.
00:16:02
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:16:03
Speaker
She is so fantastic.
00:16:04
Speaker
And I love that.
00:16:05
Speaker
I'm the Marie Kondo of grief and loss.
00:16:08
Speaker
I love it.
00:16:08
Speaker
Thank you.
00:16:09
Speaker
I'm going to quote you.
00:16:09
Speaker
There you go.
00:16:11
Speaker
The glam reaper.
00:16:12
Speaker
You heard it here first.
00:16:14
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:16:14
Speaker
I love that.
00:16:16
Speaker
But it's true because, you know, I regularly will get asked sort of, well, what do I do with their photos or I have so much stuff.
00:16:24
Speaker
And I've been privy to be in incredible homes as, you know, I work with the funeral home on the Upper East Side.
00:16:31
Speaker
And so I've been in some of the most magnificent homes.
00:16:34
Speaker
and the amount of stuff that they have and it's just sitting around and you know it is a difficult thing to ask families to go through their mother or their father's stuff let's just call it what it is stuff we all have so much stuff and while Marie Kondo's you know telling us while we're alive to keep the objects that bring us joy Alison Gilbert is saying well once we've passed on also what brings us joy because either way you know and we are going to have
00:17:03
Speaker
a Feng Shui expert on the podcast, which I'm super excited about because all of that, whether you believe it or not, I do believe all our objects in our home contribute to our moods
The Significance of Objects in Grief
00:17:15
Speaker
every day.
00:17:15
Speaker
We don't even have to go airy-fairy talking about energies and things right now, but it does.
00:17:20
Speaker
I am so attached to my family and my mum is my best friend and she sends me a card.
00:17:26
Speaker
She only, you know, yesterday I got some of my soup sauces in the post with a bar of Irish chocolate and
00:17:33
Speaker
and a note card and you know every time she sends me one of those i put it up and it's it gives me joy every time i see it because i feel her love and it is it's small things like that i covid really taught me how items in my home because we're all stuck in our homes right now um most of us anyway and so i was very lucky for my birthday my parents bought me an espresso machine
00:17:58
Speaker
Every time I have a coffee, Alison, I think of my parents.
00:18:02
Speaker
I love that.
00:18:03
Speaker
It's a beautiful thing.
00:18:04
Speaker
And again, we kind of we touch on this.
00:18:07
Speaker
I don't want to talk about it or, you know, but when my parents.
00:18:11
Speaker
do pass away, which is inevitable, and as they would say, hopefully before I do, I will always have a coffee and think of them with that machine.
00:18:19
Speaker
It's like, there are incredible things that we attach to certain people.
00:18:23
Speaker
And I know this from my cremation jewelry line, that one of the resounding testimonials I get on a regular basis is that it's not for everybody, but having some of our loved ones, ashes around our neck or on our physical being
00:18:40
Speaker
can help us move through difficult times, just make them feel their presence felt.
00:18:47
Speaker
I mean, I have one of your books, the past and present book that goes into all of this.
00:18:51
Speaker
And so I know that was how we sort of our paths crossed.
00:18:55
Speaker
And I think it's incredible.
00:18:56
Speaker
I mean, the Marie Kondo of memory, but it's something that you're renowned for.
00:19:02
Speaker
And you've really carved yourself a space in that.
00:19:06
Speaker
It's incredible.
00:19:07
Speaker
And it's something that I don't think
00:19:09
Speaker
people think about.
00:19:11
Speaker
Like as a memorial planner, that's not a funeral director.
00:19:15
Speaker
I also know that I'm something people don't know and don't necessarily understand.
00:19:21
Speaker
And a death doula is something people don't necessarily know but understand.
00:19:25
Speaker
And what I want to do with this podcast is open up this whole area of life, love and loss, that there is so much and so many beautiful, caring souls out there that have created these spaces to help us
00:19:39
Speaker
grieve more, love more and live our life more.
00:19:43
Speaker
Like fully, really that's what this is all about.
00:19:45
Speaker
And so I don't know what it's like to be you.
00:19:49
Speaker
I don't know what it was like to lose your mother or your father.
00:19:52
Speaker
I don't know what it's like to wake up every morning and see items around your home that remind you of them.
00:19:59
Speaker
Each person grieves completely differently.
00:20:01
Speaker
And I think what you do is you allow, you give people that space to figure that out for themselves.
00:20:08
Speaker
and really connect with objects in their environment and attach to it in a nice, healthy, moving forward way.
00:20:17
Speaker
And it is interesting.
00:20:18
Speaker
There's a lot of people coming out in this space at the moment, and I think you're pretty close with one of them, Hope Edelman.
00:20:24
Speaker
She wrote a beautiful book.
00:20:26
Speaker
Motherless Daughters.
00:20:27
Speaker
Yes.
00:20:28
Speaker
So she's absolutely making waves in the, or has been in the grieving space.
00:20:34
Speaker
the Modern Loss Gang as I call them.
00:20:37
Speaker
They're another group.
00:20:38
Speaker
There's just so many people coming forward and talking about grief in an open way, which is just fantastic.
00:20:45
Speaker
What do you see as the future in what you're doing right now and this general grief space where all these incredible women are coming forward and sort of opening it up for people to give people permission?
00:20:59
Speaker
Well, I think the biggest initiative underway right now is that there is a growing movement underfoot that is very urgent, which is to get behind the first ever White House office of bereavement
Advocating for Bereavement Care Policy
00:21:13
Speaker
care.
00:21:13
Speaker
So there is a movement right now in Washington and around the world to approach
00:21:19
Speaker
and push the incoming Biden administration to really establish what will be the first ever White House Office of Bereavement Care.
00:21:29
Speaker
As the movement likes to talk about bereavement care, how we get those services, who has access to them, who knows about them, that system is broken.
00:21:41
Speaker
And so how can we work together?
00:21:44
Speaker
All of the authors,
00:21:46
Speaker
all of the speakers, all of the academics, anyone who is invested and really believes that there needs to be some sort of system, a federal system where we can kind of marshal all these assets and resources and bring them to bear to individuals and families who need them.
00:22:08
Speaker
That is what's going on right now.
00:22:09
Speaker
And so I am very proud to be involved with that movement.
00:22:13
Speaker
I'm lending all of my energy and all of my support to making sure that it has a fighting chance.
00:22:20
Speaker
I think it does.
00:22:21
Speaker
And I would welcome all of your readers to learn more and get involved.
00:22:26
Speaker
There's a petition online.
00:22:29
Speaker
The nonprofit that's behind this
00:22:31
Speaker
The initiative is called Evermore.
00:22:34
Speaker
So if you Google Evermore grief support, you know, Evermore White House Office of Bereavement Care, you will find the petition, sign your name and let your voice be heard.
00:22:47
Speaker
And so I feel like the time could not be better for this.
00:22:52
Speaker
And I am just really honored to be a part of the movement.
00:22:56
Speaker
That's absolutely incredible.
00:22:58
Speaker
And I do.
00:22:58
Speaker
I think it has a lot of potential now, especially with the current president who's coming forward with his own experience with bereavement.
00:23:08
Speaker
I definitely think we're going to see that impact his presidential time in the office.
00:23:13
Speaker
It's definitely something that should have resources lent to it.
00:23:18
Speaker
And I think with COVID, I read there recently that I was just about to say it and I'm speaking to the right person.
00:23:25
Speaker
9-11 was such an iconic moment in history, in American history and the world.
00:23:32
Speaker
3000 lives.
00:23:33
Speaker
Absolutely, it got the weight of the world behind it, the grief, the support, and yet we're still counting the amount of casualties and tragedies from COVID-19 and it's just gone beyond.
00:23:50
Speaker
The fact that we are not addressing the grief for that and yet we do for the likes of 9-11,
00:23:58
Speaker
is absolutely needs to be addressed and it's incredible and we'll put all the links in forevermore and everything that people can add their name to it because it definitely it needs to have it's it should have its own official office it's an official part of being a human being being an american you know it's grief has been i think probably one of the most felt emotions in 2020
00:24:27
Speaker
Yeah, and I think a lot of the healing power from grief, even if you're anticipating a loss, even if your loved one is going to die next week and you know they are really at the end of their life, that doesn't mean that the actual loss is going to be easier because you anticipate it.
00:24:54
Speaker
What it means is that you still have that same sense of powerlessness because the end moment is always unknown.
00:25:05
Speaker
You don't know exactly when that loss will occur.
00:25:09
Speaker
And the powerlessness is really the opportunity for the pivot.
00:25:15
Speaker
So how do you replace being powerless with having a new sense of agency?
Strategies for Memory Preservation
00:25:22
Speaker
And for me, what I believe is that you regain power after loss by choosing, by making the decision to keep the memory of your loved one alive.
00:25:36
Speaker
Now, no one, here's the trick, Jennifer, no one is going to do that part for you.
00:25:43
Speaker
When loss is new and when you encounter, let's say,
00:25:48
Speaker
a funeral director or anyone else in your life who may want to support you in your time of loss, in that moment,
00:25:58
Speaker
you're kind of allowed to be passive.
00:26:02
Speaker
People come to you with the support when loss is fresh, when loss is brand new.
00:26:09
Speaker
What happens later is that the work of remembering, it cannot allow you to be passive.
00:26:17
Speaker
No one is going to do the work of commemorating
00:26:20
Speaker
and keeping your loved one's memory alive.
00:26:24
Speaker
No one can do it except you, but we don't have the tools and we don't have the resources.
00:26:31
Speaker
And that's why I wrote the book, Past and Present, Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive.
00:26:39
Speaker
That's why I wrote 85 different ideas that
00:26:43
Speaker
in past and present, keeping memories of loved ones alive, because who knows how to do this work?
00:26:50
Speaker
Yes, of course, you can go to a cemetery.
00:26:53
Speaker
Yes, of course, you might want to distribute the ashes.
00:26:57
Speaker
And you can, of course, do those things.
00:27:00
Speaker
And those are wonderful opportunities.
00:27:04
Speaker
What I am talking about is what comes after.
00:27:07
Speaker
It's the and, A-N-D.
00:27:10
Speaker
What else can we do?
00:27:12
Speaker
And what else can we add to our toolbox to make sure that our memories are actually, you know, not only validated, but heightened.
00:27:24
Speaker
And so that's why I
00:27:25
Speaker
have put together these brand new on-demand e-courses.
00:27:30
Speaker
That's why I wrote, I've written the books.
00:27:32
Speaker
You know, I believe so heartily because of my own personal experience, having lost my mom and dad, I want my kids to know who their maternal grandparents are.
00:27:43
Speaker
And I say are, by the way, with great intention also, just because my parents are gone, doesn't mean they have stopped being my children's maternal grandparents.
00:27:54
Speaker
And so I work very hard to make sure that my children have a relationship and know about the maternal grandparents they never got to meet.
00:28:04
Speaker
And so this is my work.
00:28:06
Speaker
This is my passion.
00:28:08
Speaker
That's why I put together these on-demand e-courses.
00:28:11
Speaker
I just love helping people solidify these bonds.
00:28:17
Speaker
It's really important.
00:28:18
Speaker
It absolutely is.
00:28:19
Speaker
And you hit on something there that I think is a whole other podcast, which is that words can really mean a lot, whether it's are or they are the maternal grandparents.
00:28:33
Speaker
And so words and the spoken word can especially be quite important.
00:28:39
Speaker
So just to wrap it up.
00:28:42
Speaker
So we're going to leave all the information and all the links, the podcast, give us maybe two things that you think are essential to a virtual memorial and maybe two things that you are essential to maybe keeping memories alive.
00:28:55
Speaker
Or even if it's not essential, because they're probably all essential, depending on who you are, maybe two of your favorite virtual memorial things and your favorite ways to keep memories alive.
00:29:05
Speaker
Okay, if I don't remember everything, then I'll do my best.
00:29:08
Speaker
So number one with virtual memorial is that you don't just get one bite at the apple.
00:29:15
Speaker
Don't think that because you have one virtual memorial, if you can't get it done the way you want it done, it doesn't mean you're one and done.
00:29:24
Speaker
You can have part A now, meaning virtual memorial now that kind of serves this moment, but then you have the opportunity for plan B.
00:29:35
Speaker
which is to do something again after COVID-19 in person.
00:29:41
Speaker
So that's number one, take away the pressure.
00:29:44
Speaker
And then in terms of your other comment, which is like a great way to remember a loved one,
00:29:51
Speaker
I would just say this.
00:29:53
Speaker
This is completely free and especially relevant if you have kids.
00:29:57
Speaker
We mentioned that I have kids before, so I'm kind of in that frame of mind.
00:30:00
Speaker
When I talk to my children about their grandparents, I never say, as far as I can help it, my mom or my dad.
00:30:10
Speaker
I try really hard to orient the conversation around them.
00:30:14
Speaker
So I say, your grandma or your grandpa.
00:30:18
Speaker
This little thing
00:30:20
Speaker
phrasing shift helps my children have a relationship independent of me with their grandparents because children learn when the stories revolve around them and it's not a slight to any child it's just they want to know why is it important to them so your grandma your grandpa that's free it's just word choice and so those are my top two recommendations right now
00:30:48
Speaker
for the e-course about virtual memorials, which we were talking about earlier.
00:30:53
Speaker
I have three others.
00:30:54
Speaker
Please check them out.
00:30:56
Speaker
alisongilbert.com courses slash courses.
00:31:00
Speaker
I would love to see you there.
00:31:02
Speaker
And again, just a change of words, you know, your grandma, your grandpa, keep that in mind.
00:31:08
Speaker
I think it's a great and obviously 100% free opportunity.
00:31:19
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening to the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:31:22
Speaker
It has been something I've been working on and muddling with for over two years now.
00:31:25
Speaker
So I appreciate your time to listen in.
00:31:28
Speaker
Every episode will have a new guest we hope you will find interesting as they tell their own story.
00:31:34
Speaker
So stay tuned for the next episode or have a look through the Glam Reaper episode collection.
00:31:40
Speaker
Find your nugget of gold as we talk all things life, love and loss with a dash from the funeral world.
00:31:47
Speaker
Until next time.