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174. Silent Echoes of Love: Navigating Suppressed Grief and Infidelity with Sheri Ramirez
101 Plays3 months ago
Sheri Ramirez
is memoirist, social media vlogger, and certified life coach while working full time as a middle school teacher for the deaf. She lives in Saint Augustine, Florida with her husband, 10 year old twin boys, and energetic 8 year old daughter. She was once a young widow at age 22 after tragically and unexpectedly losing her husband to a brain aneurysm resulting from his chronic kidney disease. She is now married to her current deaf husband for over twelve years, he has brought Sign Language and deaf culture to their home. Through both marriages she has learned to heal her loss, suppressed grief, and the destruction of self-inflicted infidelity. Sheri's mission is to increase healing and advocating for self-love to all those she comes in contact with by sharing her vulnerable story of redemption and life coaching services.
Connect with Sheri: www.sheriramirez.com
Instagram: @saltyselflove
Contact Kendra Rinaldi for Grief Coaching services or to be a guest on the podcast.
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Transcript
Childhood and Connections
00:00:01
Speaker
I finally was able to get pieces to now navigate, oh, okay, so I have this deep need and urge to connect yeah with males because I didn't get that connection with my father. And although it's not his fault, it is part of my childhood upbringing that really shaped a big piece of why I was so desperate to have these male connections as I you know was growing up because I always did.
Podcast Introduction
00:00:37
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:01
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Meet Sherri Ramirez
00:01:22
Speaker
Today, I'm chatting with Sherri Ramirez. Sherri is a memorist, which I have to ask you what that means, a social media vlogger, teacher of the deaf, and the certified life coach. She has twin boys and a daughter. And today, we'll be talking about her first marriage as well as now her second marriage and her life. and how that ended up kind of transitioning. We'll just be talking a lot of things. Grief. We'll be talking about infidelity within grief. We'll be talking about, my gosh, a lot of things. Life not looking like you might have thought it would look like. So I hope you guys stick around because we'll be talking a lot about things like this. So welcome, Sherry.
00:02:18
Speaker
Thank you so much. I'm super excited to be on your podcast today. um Okay. che Let's just chat life right now. You live in Florida. Tell us about you, your upbringing. Where did you grow up? I know you're in Florida now, but where did you grow up?
Riverside Roots and Sign Language
00:02:35
Speaker
Yeah, that is a great question. so I grew up in Riverside, California, so over on the West Coast. I grew up there until I was 18. And then I always knew that I wanted to move out. And so at 18, I was almost 18. It was the end of senior year. I graduated early from high school. I was ready to be done. And I went on to a community college.
00:03:04
Speaker
And that was the first real instruction that I had with sign language. That was my first class. My goal was to be a sign language interpreter. So after that first class, I went on and moved out to Utah. And that everyone asks me, why did you move to Utah when there's a big deaf school right there in Riverside? Let me tell you. So I am a part of the LDS religion, which is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And so this is a big part of my background. So I grew up LDS. I still am LDS. And Utah is the Mecca. So that was where I knew I was going to go. I had two boy cousins there.
00:03:52
Speaker
And so I kind of knew I had a little soft landing spot per se. So that was the big adventure that I was ready for to go away from my family and kind of spread my wings. And so that's how I landed in Utah. After one winter, I was like, okay, I don't like the snow. It's too cold here. Did you live in? Did you live in Scott Lake and Provo? Where in Utah did you live?
Meeting Dante
00:04:19
Speaker
Yeah, I was in, well, I was in Orem, so I lived in Orem, which is right next to Provo. Yeah. So it's right next to BYU, the city right right over there. And I went to Utah Valley University.
00:04:34
Speaker
And so that's where I was doing deaf studies and I ah met my current husband first. So here's the little, that is a twist. That is a twist. So you met Dante at that time when you were studying devil language Now this is the part that we yeah share. So let's share about Dante and then we'll backtrack up how it is you met Ronnie and your first husband. So, so you met him yeah while you were studying. Was he then also, cause he, yeah, tell us, tell us, I don't want to fill in. So yeah tell us.
00:05:11
Speaker
Yeah. So I met him through a mutual friend. I reached out through AIM back in the day. That's what we used. I'm dating myself a bit, but we I reached out to a friend and she said her she is deaf herself. But when I knew her growing up in Riverside, she read lips. So I didn't use much sign language with her. but she says, oh, I went to a deaf camp there for many years. So let me look at my little list here and see who would be a great person to match you with to go and meet. So I didn't, I don't know if I said a boy specifically, but that was me. I was always boy crazy. So she did pick my current husband who is Dante. So she said, well,
00:06:01
Speaker
a lot of sign language. So let me let me reach out to him and see if he's interested in getting to know you. So she did. And he said, Well, first, let me see a picture. So with deaf people, there's a lot of times that they will openly go and meet new people. And that's very gracious, because they're using basic sign language every single time. So you don't get to have an in depth conversation. So he saw my picture. It was my high school picture graduation. So thankfully it looked nice. And he agreed to meet me. So we met on a blind date at the mall and that was very awkward.
00:06:43
Speaker
Since I didn't know a sign language, we used a phone back and forth to communicate. And I left there feeling like, ah oh my goodness, I blew it. I did not know enough sign language. Could I have teleported here when I did? Dang it. He was so cute.
Connection with Ryan
00:07:02
Speaker
So that's how I left. He eventually reached out to my luck. And, you know, we just really connected. He was 18 as I was 18. So he was a little immature. I got to say that. And he will agree with that. um So he was not in a place for a relationship. And I knew that. So I still I still had a hard time with that because I really connected with him and I couldn't put my finger on it.
00:07:32
Speaker
wasn't just that he was bringing this beautiful language into my life, because it comes to life with a deaf person when you're using sign language. So to watch it come from this deaf person, it was like, whoa. I remember the time when I first connected with the language, the seed was planted when I was 12, and I went to girls camp. And that's where I saw some deaf girls who were using sign language. And in my whole body, I was like, oh, that this is familiar. There's something about this language that I just, I've not used it, but I just know. And he gravitated towards. Yeah. Yeah. And so he was always this key into sign language.
00:08:18
Speaker
So fast forward, he I started kind of dating around because he was not wanting a relationship that would be soon going into marriage. And that's understandable. But I was. At least I thought I was. So I dated someone else, which is how we get to my first husband. And so Dante went on an LDS mission. And we didn't really contact each other after that. So that's how it started with Dante. Where did Dante go for his mission? Which country? Or was it in the US? He stayed. Yeah, it was in the US. So he went to Rochester, New York and Houston, Texas. So he had a split mission in those two areas. So he was able to serve different
00:09:08
Speaker
types of people and cultures, so that was very, very good for him and his growth. Thank you for that, Dante, for going on a mission. No. With that, then, did you still communicate with him while he was away? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the funny thing is, is I did not remember communicating with him at all. But guess what? He's the master of finding things. He's very good with technology. So he goes, Oh yeah, you did. You commented on my Facebook seeing how I was doing. And I said, Oh, I don't remember that. But apparently we did. We had a little bit of communication back and forth, even though he was not allowed to use Facebook at that time. Missionaries are allowed to now, but not at that time he wasn't. So I said, Hmm, that's a little odd.
00:09:57
Speaker
OK, so then he's away admission in those two years, then here between 18 and 20 or so, then you started going or you met then Ryan in one of these dating. How did you meet him? Yeah, so I met Ryan. They were kind of. like blurred together, per se, because I, yes, I first met Dante, but it wasn't too long after, maybe a month or so when I had met Ryan, and Ryan is very different. Ryan, I met him through some college friends, and actually my roommate was the one who opened that gate. I had went over with her to meet some college boys,
00:10:47
Speaker
yeah here i am boy crazy um So I went and met these boys and he was the one that stuck out to me, not because he was loud and obnoxious or outgoing. There was something down to earth about him that I also gravitated towards. And there was something just beautiful about him that I couldn't put my finger on. He was like mysterious. And I said, ooh, I want to know what that's all about because he was also cute.
00:11:19
Speaker
as how long was your courtship then with him and then he became your first husband. So how, how did, how was that courtship? Yeah, that one was about six months. It was a little bit interesting because here's here's what I got to learn about Ryan. I didn't know anything about him at first. I just saw this this man who was very sure of himself, very smart. He just had a wit about him.
00:11:51
Speaker
And I couldn't put my finger on how he was that way and how he was not married yet. I think he was about 23 is what I remember, trying to remember the date, the ages. But it's, it's funny to say that, but that is LDS culture as you do get married younger. So I was, you know, in the Mormon Mecca is what it was. And I was like, You know, he is such a catch. How is he not taken? So I couldn't quite put my finger on it yet, but I was okay to let him get to know who I was. So we did get to know each other, but there was a secret that I didn't know about him. And he didn't tell me this until a couple of months in. And I knew that he always was kind of having appointments
00:12:42
Speaker
weekly, but I didn't quite understand what type of appointments because he was vague on purpose. So one night he came to my apartment down in Orem and he said, I need to tell you something in my mind. I'm like, Oh, great. I finally feel so connected with this, this man. And I feel like he is somehow a part of my future, but he's going to drop a big bomb on me. So, you know, my walls went up. I'm like, what is what is he going to tell me? In the LDS culture, a big thing is, you know, pornography or something that I felt maybe he, maybe he wanted to date someone else. So my, my brain's spinning and I worked till midnight um at of a food store. So I had to wait until that was over to, you know, talk with him all day.
00:13:32
Speaker
And he comes in and, you know, his physique, everything's just a little bit down. So of course I'm on guard and my heart's beaten. So he sits down on the couch and he, he always had sweaters on by the way. So I never saw his arms and he sits down on the couch and he says, well, i I've got to tell you something. I mean, I, I've told you that I go to these appointments, but. you don't really understand why. And I've waited because of the hard experiences I've had after telling girls what is going on with my body.
00:14:13
Speaker
And I was just like, oh oh boy, I don't know where we're going with this. So my brain is confused and I'm just waiting, you know, palms sweating, heart racing. And he finally lets me know. He says, yeah, I'm i'm on dialysis. I don't have any kidneys. And she he takes this long sleeve up. And for the first time I see this interesting type of, it's called a fistula, but it looks kind of like a snake. And it's like pulsing. Like I could almost for the first time hear the swoosh, swoosh, swoosh of blood running through somebody's body. And that was such a profound moment for me of realizing that I have such a healthy body that I may have taken for granted.
00:15:09
Speaker
And there's this amazing person who you know I'm getting to know that lives on a dialysis machine. So he lets me know this is... How many years had he been on dialysis? and had Was he basically like no kidneys, very young? like what how were yeah How long had he been?
00:15:32
Speaker
Great question. At 14 is when they started to fail. And so he was, I think it was called peritoneal dialysis. He did with his mother um at first. And so he was off and on dialysis because he did have two kidney transplants. So I believe this this time when I had met him, he had, it it had been a few years that he had been on dialysis and he was near the top of the list getting up there to get a transplant. So that was the second one he would have had. So at that time, I didn't know much about it. And I was just so out of my realm.
00:16:19
Speaker
you know, I hadn't ever experienced someone with a health condition like this. So it was very, very much take a step back for me so that I can analyze what I'm getting myself into. As well though, I kind of was at a naive state, you know, being 18 and well, everything works its way out. So He did let me know though, like take your time and really look into it, but also please ask me questions. That was something he let me know. There's so much you can find on the internet, but please ask any questions that you have because I want you to understand what it is. And so, you know, that was, that was an interesting thing to see is fistula and to know that, you know, all the two needles hook up to one side and the other.
Marriage and Transplant
00:17:15
Speaker
And it goes through a machine to clean the blood out. And it comes right back in the other side. So that was something that I really took into consideration, thinking, do I want to still continue this relationship? We had kind of started getting a little more serious. This was also the time where I was starting to branch away from Dante, just because I knew he was going to be going on his own journey. And though I was so deeply connected with him in some interesting way. I just, in my heart, I knew it wasn't our time and I didn't think it would ever be our time. So um I was grieving that as well. So there was just kind of a lot going on in my brain at 18 years old.
00:18:04
Speaker
and also wanting to follow the religion and culture of, you know, getting married like my mom. My mom got married young. She was 19. So that was something always in the back of my mind, like this is just what you do. I never knew how it would look like. However, I knew it would be different than my mom in some ways, but that was kind of what we saw growing up. And that was what I learned is important is you get married and you have a family.
00:18:34
Speaker
So he tells you this. You're completely, of course, in shock of a young man. You're only 18. Like, how do you then decide that you're going to be with someone unknowing of what the future might look like? Right. In terms of if he doesn't, if he didn't get a kidney transplant and so forth. So did you know all those things going into the relationship? as to what his chances of living would be. Did you know all that information going in before you guys chose to get married?
00:19:14
Speaker
So I had a good background of knowledge in researching and asking him questions. I did do a lot of praying and trying to figure out if this was my person and if it was, was it the right time? And this was over the course of a few months. So I did take my time in trying to digest all of it in I do remember knowing that he was super confident and full of life. And he told me, he said, I would not try to get married if I didn't feel deeply in my heart that I would have a lot more years to live. So I took that message and gut instinct to heart because that's more what I was relying on
00:20:06
Speaker
to get my answer. I also knew that it was a possibility he would be on dialysis for a while. And I also knew that he would probably die earlier. um In my mind at that time, being 18, I thought, well, he might get to his fifties and I'm okay with that. I thought we could have a life together. We can have kids. I didn't know if he could have kids or we could adopt. But that was where I had felt peace that he was the person I was supposed to marry at that time. And I verbally let him know over the phone. And coincidentally, the next day, he got a phone call at two in the morning from the hospital saying, hey, we have a kidney disease or we have a kidney transplant that just came in. So you are the one on the list. And I will never forget that moment.
00:21:05
Speaker
because it was like God telling me, you know you need to say yes before you know that he'll be healthy. So that was very profound in my in my mind and memory. Wow. Yeah. So you had already made that choice right ah before you knew that he has the transplant plan. You guys get married. We're going to fast forward to then you guys are married three years down the line. No, how many years down the line is it that he started to have three and a half three and a half years on the line? Okay. So take us down to that point of what started happening with his health.
00:21:46
Speaker
Yeah. So we, I had begged to move out of Utah.
Struggles in California
00:21:50
Speaker
Like I had mentioned previously, I got my good taste of snow and that was, you know, the Cali girl and me, it was like, nope, this is not the ending place. It's just for college. So I begged him after he had lost a job a year after us being in Utah, I begged him to move to California. So this is what we did. We packed it all up and we took our Yorkie dog and the three of us went to California and moved in with my parents temporarily. So fast forward, things were you know rough within that year that we had moved. So this was a year after being married and
00:22:31
Speaker
just trying to get footing in a very high cost of living state. um I again was not understanding how expensive it probably would have been to maintain income with someone who's chronically ill and who gets sick sometimes. So that was something that I also didn't realize would really impact our day to day. And so just moving out on to getting on our own was just really tough. And moving into an apartment, we were barely making it work. um I remember the first apartment was $1,400 for a one bedroom apartment in Santa Ana.
00:23:15
Speaker
I will never forget that rat infested apartment, but that was a big step for us to be out on our own. And we did do it. There were a lot of things that we did that we didn't feel, you know, it it could not have been possible if we didn't do it together. So he was always my number one cheerleader and you know, making sure that I was happy and where I wanted to be. So that was always number one for him. And I'll never forget, you know, every step of the way that was his priority. So yeah, fast forward. I was very lonely there. Despite growing up in California, I did not have
00:23:58
Speaker
much of a support system. My family was in a very interesting place and time. ah My parents were never on good terms even though they never divorced. I grew up in a home that was a bit hostile where my father neglected us emotionally. We did not see that love or feel that love because he was so overwhelmed being a father of five. So my my mom and dad were always arguing and fighting. And at us this time, they only had the two youngest that lived in the home. And so my brother and sister were finishing up high school and everyone was kind of doing their own thing. So I didn't feel like I had that support from family. And I also didn't really have close friends. And back in high school, I was very much a boyfriend type girl.
00:24:54
Speaker
again, boy crazy. My boyfriends were my best friends in particularly one of them. And so I just I did not feel I didn't have any idea like this is how it would be moving to California. I just saw sunshine in the beach. So I was nannying and I realized that I was feeling so isolated. There was no adult contact. I just really was craving, craving that connection with others, vulnerability and connection for me as my gift. And at that time I just, I didn't really know that. I just knew something was missing and my husband was not able to provide that being sick and having headaches.
00:25:45
Speaker
that were extremely debilitating all the time. So I knew I needed a job change, and I decided to apply at the hospital. My passions and dreams somehow always coincide with my husband's, so it's very interesting. But with with Ryan, he was you know in the medical field. We were there in the hospital a lot. And I thought, well, they have good benefits. And I am the breadwinner. I've always been the breadwinner. So that's always been um an important aspect is the health benefits. So I did apply and I got a job in at Hoke Hospital in Newport Beach. And this is where the stage sets for me connecting with other men.
00:26:31
Speaker
And once I had got that eye of attention as a 20-year-old girl just craving any type of deep connection, I was a goner. So that was the turning point of everything. And this was about a year before he passed.
00:26:52
Speaker
So for you, then, this was something he never knew that you that that this had been happening prior to his passing. Is that correct? Or did he find out? He did. He did find out. He did. I did tell him. ah You did tell him. And so you that last year of his life, which his death, and by the way, I watched the vlog, the little the video log on your website, and I want to Talk about that after we go. I'll just jump into it now when you're sharing with your kids now about him and The empathy by the way of your daughter. That's so sad like when you tell when you tell them when you tell when you told all three boys and then her that you had been married before and that he had died and she was like That's so sad. I was like, oh my gosh, so empathetic. I love her. I know. They're sweet faces when you were telling them. It was just so sweet. How many years ago did you record that video? They're literally younger then, right? Oh, I see.
00:28:03
Speaker
Yeah, I think that was like three years ago. yeah Sweet, so sweet. So, so okay, so in that in that year that you did, so when you started to then connect then with other people while you were, other men while you were at the hospital, you tell Ryan, so your marriage then was rocky at that moment. At the same time, you're still being the breadwinner, caretaker. and How then did you... Because if you want to jump to his to to how it was he passed and then where you guys were emotionally at that time. Yeah. Yeah. So the day that he had passed,
00:28:47
Speaker
I had already sat down with him. I personally went, um I was at my breaking point of keeping secrets and having anxiety written, you know babysitting my phone all the time, um just feeling like this is not the life I wanted or I thought I was going to have. So there was a lot of resentment and it wasn't really towards him. I feel like the resentment was, I mean, he did everything he could. He was the best husband possible. to you know be that chronically sick. And so the resentment was towards this life that I was grieving, that I did not imagine would play out this way. And so in my grief, I you know connected with two boys. Yeah, one and then the other. And so it was kind of jumping from one boy to the next trying to
00:29:44
Speaker
stop this coping mechanism of connecting with males. And so I stopped one, but then connected with the next one, trying to move past the grief of that connection that we had formed very deeply, emotionally, you know we had connected. And so I think infidelity, there's so many layers that it's it's very hard to explain how painful it is when you disconnect with someone outside of your marriage, you know, being the perpetrator of infidelity, there is still a lot of emotional healing that is required to be able to fully move forward. So I
00:30:29
Speaker
reached my breaking point after we came home from a restaurant going out on Huntington Beach pier, you know, we came home this place that I had, you know, that would be so magical. It was, you know, not quite what I had envisioned either. And so I just told him, I said, I've got to tell you, I just I have connected with my coworker so and so because he had met this this coworker and I needed to let you know that I have a really hard time disconnecting from him because it's been so painful in our marriage and this is something that I've reached out to kind of pacify
00:31:16
Speaker
and all the pain that I don't understand. And I don't know if I want to still be married. I was so confused. How can I cheat on my husband, but love him so much? So it was the most confusing thing I've ever felt. And the look on his face was just, it was devastating. So watching someone's face when you tell them that you have crossed the boundary is there's not much you can say. So explaining what actually happened and the details, it gets to be very painful because you almost don't want them to know all the details, but you also know that they deserve those details because you are married to them and those are the vows that you took. So it was,
00:32:15
Speaker
one of these things that tore my heart apart because this was something I had reached for to try and, you know, mask this pain, but it was also now the biggest source of pain that we sat with. So fast forward to the day that he passed.
Tragedy and Reflection
00:32:36
Speaker
I had let him know multiple times of my struggles. So we were very in it together at this point. And he, We had made a pact right before this day happened. I got a ah new job offer so that I could distance myself and I could go five floors up so we can keep our insurance. But I would do heart telemetry instead of stocking materials down in the basement. And we made a pact.
00:33:07
Speaker
and ah letting, I let him know I'm ready to move on with my healing and find better ways to stimulate my brain and to find connections. So this was my way of moving forward. So he dropped me off that day at the hospital. You know, I i did a quick peck and I said, I love you. And I nervously went inside the the building because this is the same place and the same everything that I had seen these two boys that I had connected with. And that day I remember him texting me. It was about 1.30 PM and I got off work at 3.30 PM or so. He said, I miss you, love. I think that may have been one of the last texts he ever sent. So getting that text, I said to myself, I'll see him soon. I put that phone back in my pocket and I did not respond.
00:34:08
Speaker
So the pain of you know not responding on a possible last chance to talk with him, that grief has always just sat inside of me up until a few years ago. But i I remember that moment choosing not to respond because all I could think of was to keep going, to keep working so that I did not go back into this portal that I had created for myself that was destructive, but it was so easy to step inside of.
00:34:42
Speaker
Yeah, like escapism became your your coping mechanism, escaping from one reality and jumping into another one that though you felt connection in that one, it was still a way of escaping the current reality you were in. Wow. Okay. So you're at work, you get home at what time and that you realize ah what how did it proceed then to finding out about him passing?
00:35:13
Speaker
Yeah, so he I called him a few times and he didn't answer and he was supposed to pick me up. And in my gut, I just knew something was wrong. So I asked my neighbor to go to the door and see if he was there. And the neighbor said, well, I just hear the dog barking. No one's answering. So the landlord came and opened it up. I was not there. I think God shielded me from this specific scene, even though I've recreated it in my head a million times and I saw the aftermath of all the pads and trash on the floor once I got home. But he, you know, was unconscious on the floor and I was at the hospital down the road. So they actually took him to that hospital because it was the closest one to our house.
00:36:03
Speaker
And they put a breathing tube down his throat and there's wires across. And I hear these nurses all around him, you know, in hushed tones talking about, you know, what they need to do. And I couldn't really comprehend what was going on because to me, he was Superman. He'd gotten through everything. So, you know, I partially felt this is just another one of those days and times, he'll just get through it. So it did not happen that way. And the doctor came in when my family arrived and said, he is actually brain dead. He had a brain aneurysm. So he is only alive because of that machine right there. And, you know, I lost it and the whole world just blanked on me. um um and You said he suffered from the headaches. That's part, is that common with kidney disease or was that completely separate?
00:37:01
Speaker
Yeah, from what I understand, it is common just because if you have too much salt and sodium, then your blood pressure goes up. So he had that a lot. Even though he was on medicines, you get us you have to be on a strict diet. There's a lot of regulations that you need to follow, especially when you do have a kidney transplant and his head actually died several years after he was offered that kidney transplant. So at the time he passed. Yeah, he didn't have a kidney. So he was back on dialysis. So there was a lot that happened within the timeframe of me saying, yes, let's get married to here. He is dropping me off at work and he is no longer here.
00:37:52
Speaker
So it's you're so young yet at the same time you've already had been through so much life in that short amount of time and years in your You're really young right now, too, by the way. Yes. I know. It's like I do already have lived this much. Oh, thank you. When I saw your picture, when you sent me the picture for the podcast, I kept on looking and then reading the bio. I'm like 10 years. And I'm trying to do the math. I'm like, wait, what? It's like in my brain. I was like, how is this? How has she been married twice, been married for already like 12 years and all this? Right? Yeah.
00:38:31
Speaker
So Sherri, in that moment then that you're having to then navigate the grief then as well that he's passed and as well living with this guilt that yeah you had as well. So how you said that only about two years ago that you actually feel that you processed certain parts of the guilt that you had. Take us into that journey of navigating grief and then we'll jump into then you reconnecting with Dante. But what were some of the tools that you used then for your grief in coping? Because we already know that before your coping mechanism was escapism and trying to find connection
00:39:20
Speaker
how you know outside. So what were some of the tools you started incorporating in your grief journey after Ryan's death? Yeah, I think the first one was going to therapy and learning, educating myself Why do I even do this? So it was learning who I was and that it actually stemmed back to my childhood. So when I had those missing pieces of really having answers, because I had these questions, I never knew why, but I i finally was able to get pieces to now navigate, oh,
00:40:07
Speaker
Okay, so I have this deep need and urge to connect yeah with males because I didn't get that connection with my father. And although it's not his fault, it is part of my childhood upbringing that really shaped a big piece of why I was so desperate to have these male connections as I you know was growing up, because I always did. boys were always in the back of my mind more than grades in school. So once I understood myself a little bit better, that was number one. I think number two was stimulating my brain.
00:40:49
Speaker
because I'm a very active thinker and I get obsessive about things. This is an obvious example right here. That's part of who I am and it could be good or bad. So when it's stuck on the wrong thing, then that's something that is detrimental to myself. And I realized it did not serve me to obsess about people or things that didn't enhance my happiness or the people around me. So finding things that made me happy, ah you know, like family trips or having something to look forward to. That was something that I learned would replace this desire to escape and have adventure because that's what I wanted. I wanted adventure and I wanted to feel youthful because I was. So it was seeking
00:41:44
Speaker
for the healthy parts of what I was actually reaching for, along with understanding why. Because if I don't know why, then I'm not really gonna understand how to move forward. So we had to do a lot of digging in therapy to go back so that I could finally rebuild. And eventually I really learned self-love through a life transformational program in Utah. That's where all the pieces came together for me. And this was while I've been married to Dante.
00:42:18
Speaker
So that was the final piece for me to really understand how I can find joy and deeply, deeply love myself. Because when I wasn't loving myself or understanding myself, how can I be expected to do that for a romantic partner or for my children? I'm physically here, but my mind is stuck it's constantly obsessively stuck on something that's unhealthy if i'm not able to pull myself out of it so i also learned grounding techniques when i become
00:42:58
Speaker
obsessive and I catastrophize. I still catastrophize. All the worst things possible that could happen. But what I do now is I've learned grounding techniques through therapy and through different tools so that I can see what's around me and be present. So that's been extremely beneficial in my healing process to keep positive. Thank you for sharing that and the importance of therapy was, and the role that played in your in your journey. And it still probably plays in your journey because you're constantly yeah resourcing back into that.
00:43:38
Speaker
So in this journey of healing, you mentioned some of these things you did already while married. So when did you connect back with Dante? How how long after you'd been a widow at 22, did you connect back with Dante since you guys had not really been
Rekindling with Dante
00:43:58
Speaker
in touch? Well, as far as you remember, you had not been as much in touch. He remembers. Yeah, he's very good at remembering everything. it was It was not too long, to be honest, and that was part of the jarring piece about it. It was when I went on Facebook and changed my status. That's where he saw, I think it was only like two weeks after, something like that.
00:44:26
Speaker
Um, that was part of my healing process to let myself know that I needed to move on in different aspects. Even though I feel like I had emotionally kind of separated from Ryan, I still was grieving very much. So that, that was what I decided to do, change it to single and Dante, you know, living in Utah, me, I was in California. So I said, okay, well. He reached out and said, you know, I don't know what happened, but I'm here if you wanna talk. And I said, okay, he's a friend. I can have a friend right now, that's just fine. We didn't live in the same state and it felt like a familiar soul. Someone I did not feel like would ever be put back into my life, but I'm so grateful he is. um he Yeah, so we just connected and it went from there and I had to decide
00:45:25
Speaker
within that summer, if I was going to move back to Utah or stay in California because he needed to finish school and things were serious, you know, within those several months, I think it was four months or so by that point. And I just did not want to live without him. So both of us had these traumas. He had his own traumas that he brought being the only deaf person in his family. There was a lot of pressure oppressed feelings and feeling alone and just not a part of the family. So he also didn't understand those at the time. So put us two together and we were magnets for each other. So I did move back to Utah and that's kind of where it transpired from there. And we got married.
00:46:16
Speaker
and had our twin boys first try. they Here they come, start with fire. and That was really tough. it was We were not expecting to not have family support. And my family was in California, but all of his was in Utah. It was not great times for them to be grandparents. He's the oldest of all his siblings. So I think there was so much that had piled up on us. and There's such a stigma of going to therapy. My husband was like, no, I'm not doing that. So there was many, many years that I begged and begged, please, please, let's go to therapy. He said, no, no, and there's no deaf therapist, so we can't do it. Having an ASL fluent therapist is so crucial for a deaf person.
00:47:07
Speaker
Just one, they know that their message is going straight to the source and there's no extra damage that could happen within that translation process. and So we had been at such a fragile part of our lives and throughout the years of raising our kids. It was so tough. to even let someone into our lives who could potentially make it worse. So I get where he was coming from, but I was also so desperate to further understand myself and why I again had gravitated towards emotional connections with men outside my marriage. This wasn't to the extent of my first marriage.
00:47:51
Speaker
But the last person who I had emotionally connected with with was his interpreter. So it was very, very destructive for him to find out that these two people were his biggest cheerleaders were also here betraying him. And this happened when you had already had the children or prior to? Yes, this happened after our children. Okay. yes So then at that point, they were pretty young. and So at that point, then when, how many years then into your marriage, did you both finally, I mean, ah go to therapy?
00:48:35
Speaker
Oh, let's see. This was about four years ago. So I think we were about six years in. Okay. About that where we finally broke down and there was no going forward until we dug. Dug in. So by the way, you're amazingly transparent and vulnerable. I appreciate that from you. It's very refreshing to see suck cause it is so
00:49:15
Speaker
odd Honestly, it's very unlikely for people to be so transparent about their own transgressions and their own you know hurdles in life. And I thank you for that because just like with grief, that sometimes when you hear someone's journey and grief, you can feel relatability. it could be the same in these kinds of situations. And it's not in any way of trying to find, let's say, I'm going to say this in a way, it's not like youre it's not in the sense of like confession type of aspect that you're sharing it, it's in the sense of
00:49:53
Speaker
these are These are some tests that we've gone through and this is how we've come through. it's not You're not sharing in the midst of it, you're sharing after. And hence and hence why you are now seeing a life coach yourself and helping other people that are going through that because you have lived through several lives in your own life. Lots of different life in a very short period of time. and And the fact that you have found that support, I see that both Ryan and Dante in that
00:50:32
Speaker
in your marriage that that honesty and transparency was there in order to kind of work through it together in both of your relationships of this is just beautiful to witness. It's much easier to throw away, you know, get What is it? Throw the towel in certain things and you can see the amount of work that you put through in your relationship. So thank you for for sharing yeah all of this. Now yeah tell us then this aspect of then
Rebuilding Partnership
00:51:07
Speaker
your life. You you now then have worked through that. You've dug it all out. All the skeletons are out of this. Everything's out.
00:51:19
Speaker
rebuilding then a relationship coming from that space. What does that look like? but What it looks like now is we're four years out from my confessions of connecting emotionally with other men. I let that out in layers. just It was so, so painful. and nerve wracking to do it all at once. And there had to be a therapist there for me to feel that security and safety for us to have the tools for me to even say these things out loud. But I knew that I had made vows. Like this is the person that I had truly chosen not once, but twice, you know, with that full circle. i You know, we he's gone through a lot of grief as well. I feel like it's a roller coaster.
00:52:10
Speaker
ah When it was more fresh, I feel like there were days where we were just, we're good. And I felt like we were moving forward and we were getting good traction. Like we had made so much changes and I felt like I had proven, you know, that trust and gained it back from him. But there were also days that he was just sad and I didn't understand why he was shut down and reserved. Well, he was withdrawn because he was reliving those thoughts back in his head as he actually met up with the interpreter because I had deleted all the messages. But he met up with this person and saw all of the conversation that we had over the months. So reliving that pain and
00:52:59
Speaker
knowing that you've decided to stay with this person, he was he was going through a lot of probably self worth and doubt as well. Like how can I give so much in a marriage, albeit he had his own you know repressed grief and financial addictions that he was working through. bye how can I give so much to my wife and make children with her and she can go and do this on a whim? So that was very, very tough for me to watch him work through. So after infidelity, it's not just tough
00:53:40
Speaker
you know, watching myself grief through it. it's It's more tough watching him knowing that I caused all that pain. The source of most of that was from me. We both equally contributed to our marriage. We both equally had things to work on, but that act was something that I fully put into it and it was just, it was tough. And each year that we've gotten past it, we've healed more and more and it's due to therapy. We've gone to a lot of therapy. I've also done a lot of my own healing to find my own self-love and make my own changes. I feel like that's been so crucial in our healing process is I've been able to do my own work on myself. And so I've been able to build in these
00:54:30
Speaker
great coping mechanisms and thrive because I am so dedicated to not go back to that ever again so it's just it's been a lot of work but we've fought for each other and we've also fought individually for ourselves he's fought for himself to you know succeed and do different things and I've also done that for myself so I feel like we are We could either be that power couple or we can be each other's biggest ah source of pain. And so in the end, we've been able to find that we are a power couple together and we're just so much happier that we've been able to do the hard work. He tells me all the time, he goes, I know that it was hard to go through this with you, but honestly, he's told me, I'm so glad we went through it because of where we're at right now.
00:55:23
Speaker
i I don't think either of us would have given up the journeys that we've gone through to give away what we've been able to create and work hard to do. So it's been such a beautiful journey.
00:55:38
Speaker
It's like that up part of the title of my podcast, right? The Grief Gratitude and the Game Between. And i i I usually do feel that most of the people that come on the podcast usually do see those parts of their life in which there was a lot of pain where and that there was also a lot of growth. in that process, and and yes we can always be grateful for the growth. You mentioned at the beginning that I didn't end up asking right away, what is a memorist? What is a memorist? Is somebody that... Oh, yes. Yes, because I didn't ask you what that is. memoirist. That's my If I say... You're right, memoirs. Is that more like, yes? Is that more what it is? No, not a memorist, but a memoirist.
00:56:38
Speaker
Yeah, so what it is is it is anecdotes of my life centered around a
Memoir and Community
00:56:43
Speaker
theme. So you know, autobiographies that is someone's way would be my full life and probably from A to Z. So you'd be putting every single piece of timeline in there. Now a memoir is based on a center theme of what your book is about. So mine is you know, infidelity. That's a big piece um in my book that has a central message, but also healing and different other main themes. So my anecdotes and stories
00:57:19
Speaker
They all have to have a purpose for being in there and you you know have a certain number of words that you want to not go over. So you definitely want to put in everything that counts. So I have written this book, my my memoir. It was like a long journey, but that was part of my therapy is writing my book while I was going through the pain. So a lot of it is put in there. Raleigh and it has been edited so many times by so many beautiful people with so much talent and I've been able to really transform it into
00:57:59
Speaker
that that's my work. That's part of my life's work that I've been able to give to other people. So I'm very excited to, I'm on the path to looking for, I'm looking for a literary agent, but I know that it'll get published. I just don't know how yet or who, but that is a beautiful story that I've been able to craft into giving other people for their healing. It was once my healing, but now when it's published, it gets to be other people's ah part of their story and journey that they get to heal with me.
00:58:33
Speaker
Mm. Yeah. And that's the thing with stories. It really does connect us. Again, like what I was saying, you sharing vulnerability here helps someone else as they're connecting, not only with you, but again, with their own reality and their own journey. And it can spark that idea of themselves to go through ah healing process themselves. So that is something to be on the lookout and you can definitely make sure to stay connected with Sherry on her website so we know when that publishes and in the future when it does and we could have you back on so we could promote your your memoir. yes your ellip yeah like you love it It was all about my pronouncing. When I say memoirist, oh, that makes sense. But when I say memorist, I thought you could read someone's, memory you know, like something with a memory reading or like those kinds of things. So what I wanted to ask you, because you mentioned therapy, you mentioned writing being those tools. How did community and your faith
00:59:35
Speaker
also play a part in your journey in your grief journey healing of your marriage all these kind of things how to community and your faith play a part yeah so my faith has been I feel like a staple for me that I'm grounded knowing who I am and what I believe in. It's always been tough to follow the standards though. Physically, I've gone outside of those standards, you know, many times dating. But beyond that, my faith is so crucial for me because I do believe that we have our afterlife
01:00:17
Speaker
And the person that we marry and we make these vows to that is if you earn it, that's who you get to be with on the other side with your family. So knowing these values and these beliefs for myself, even though I was making these choices that went all totally against it, I still knew what my end goal was. So I wasn't completely lost. down here, like, well, what is the point? there i always I always knew what the point was for me, but it was tough to get there. it was always It's always been the journey, making good choices and being able to make healing trickles outside of me instead of painful ones that impact other people. So that was the faith piece of it.
01:01:13
Speaker
that's always been my grounding point ah for community. ah Being inside the deaf community is very unique. And I've been gifted that, you know, being married to my husband. So having the deaf community, it's always felt to me like no matter where we move, like we're in Florida now, We always have the deaf community and that is home for us, for our family. It's just a big part of what we get to enrich our children with. Their lives are so much more profound because they have the deaf community. I feel like deaf individuals love their community so much because that is where they feel accepted and that is their home, their family.
01:02:07
Speaker
Even if you don't live with them, that's family. So we've been able to have that beautiful experience knowing that we always have a family and a home no matter where we move. And we've been able to, my husband specifically, when he was growing up, the deaf community was what saved him, you know, feeling the isolation in his hearing family, sports and his deaf friends that saved him from suicide that saved him from so many things because he knew that he had that center and people that loved him and cared about him. So community is so important for my husband, but also for our family.
01:02:51
Speaker
Thank you. Again, we could probably talk for a whole other hour because I feel like we only just scratched the surface of the conversation because we only got to one part of the whole journey. But we will wrap up at this moment, but I wanted to just ask, is there something you want to make sure that the listeners hear from you, any Any words of wisdom that you may want to impart on the listeners at this moment? Yes. I think the biggest thing I would like to share is grief and shame will fester in the dark. It is so important to share your story. It doesn't have to be with a white audience. It could be with your mother, a therapist.
01:03:42
Speaker
It doesn't matter who you share your story with, but if you are in pain or you are seeking healing, you your body, your spirit is telling you something. And the longer you have neglected that, the longer you're suffering. So my advice is to listen to your soul, your gut, Find the healing. The biggest pain point for me and so many of my followers who have reached out to me is they say, but I don't know where to go for therapy. I promise you, Google will assist you. There's been so many times I didn't think that I would find something, but the biggest hurdle is not doing anything because you're worried that you won't find the answer.
01:04:29
Speaker
You will find answers. If you manifest outward, you will find the answers. Talking with somebody, they will have a resource that you had no idea would come your way. So many people I've been blessed with who have reached out to me, I have been able to pay it back because I can search. now and figure out more where I can find ASL therapists. So just tell your story. that's That's what I would say to anybody who's feeling that burning pain and just seeking for healing. Share your story. Start small. Find the healing because it is out there.
01:05:13
Speaker
Thank you Sherry. Beautiful, beautiful words. And now how can people reach you? I'll make sure to link below and also the different offerings you have on your website if you can share with and on your Instagram as well, if you want to share that before we close off. Yeah, absolutely. So my main a platform that I use is Instagram and my handle is salty self-love salty from the beach. and self-love always has some salt with it. You know, it's a little pour salt on the wound, but that's the name is salty self-love on Instagram is my main platform.
01:05:54
Speaker
um I also have my website, which which is sherryramirez.com. And that's where you can find most of the other resources that I provide, including a YouTube channel, which I, my project this summer is to get more updated, but it's there also on my website. So you can find different tabs ah for the resources of how to reach out, including my email. So everything is on sherryramirez.com.
01:06:24
Speaker
Perfect. Thank you again, Sherry. As we close off again, I want to, again, just honor you and your journey and who you are now. Honor Sherry, the 18-year-old. And Sherry, the of whatever a year old you are now, I don't need to know anything. 12 years later, Sherry, 35, he's still much younger than I am. yeah yeah Honor Sherry, the 18-year-old.
01:06:57
Speaker
Sherri the 18-year-old who went through all that, made the choices that she did, and then Sherri the 35-year-old who now can share all her wisdom with others as well than learning. And we continue to grow. We are we're not we continue to learn and grow on this on the earthly plane. So thank you once again for that. You are so welcome. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate all the love you've been able to give me today. Thank you for coming to this space as well. Thank you.
01:07:36
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so. Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.