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7. Breaking The Cycle Of Generations-With Dr. Valerie Gershenhorn
78 Plays5 years ago
In this Episode Dr. Valerie Gershenhorn shares about the passing of her mom, 10 years after she was diagnosed with cancer. She also shares the lessons she learned in that journey about breaking the cycle of generations. Listen as she shares her story and how that experience also impacted the way she practices medicine.
Dr. Valerie Gershenhorn FB @valerienozad
Music Composition- www.rinaldisound.net
Editing- Carlos Andres Londono (aka.. My husband)
Get in touch with Kendra Rinaldi: www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
IG and FB @griefgratitudepodcast
Recommended
Transcript
Breaking Generational Cycles
00:00:00
Speaker
I try to be evolving and so that my children will eventually break that cycle. They will be the generation that breaks that cycle. So to me that is so critical because we don't talk about this stuff. You know, like in my mom's generation and her friends, they don't talk about the pain that they go through of general life and what the expectations of society are on
00:00:24
Speaker
them and what they have to live up to and they don't realize, you know, how important it is to be vulnerable and to talk and to be open.
Introducing Kendra's Podcast
00:00:36
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:44
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:00
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Valerie's Grief Journey
00:01:22
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode of Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between. Today, I have the honor to interview my friend, Valerie Gershenhorn, and she will be sharing a little bit about her journey of grief and also of the gratitude that came in that process. Valerie, welcome to today's episode. Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be here, Kendra.
00:01:52
Speaker
I am so grateful that you are and that you accepted this invitation to hop on and be able to share your journey, my friend. I know a little bit about your journey of grief and I think that it's a very inspiring story and I'd love the listeners to listen in as well.
00:02:11
Speaker
First off, tell me a little bit or tell the listeners a little bit about yourself.
Influence of Mother's Illness on Career
00:02:15
Speaker
So I am 47 years old. I have an incredible husband and three beautiful daughters. And I am a dermatologist. And I really, more than just dermatology, have an incredible passion for health and wellness. It has really become the path and purpose that drives me every day. And a lot of it is from
00:02:39
Speaker
losing my mom, as we'll discuss in a moment. So really for me, making an impact on people to know the power
00:02:47
Speaker
of their own bodies and mind in their health journeys and not to rely so much on pharmaceuticals or, you know, things outside or external to themselves who really believe in the power that we all were born with. That is really my journey right now. And what I'm striving to teach others as well. And, you know, mostly starting with myself, of course, because that's where all learning comes from.
00:03:15
Speaker
my daughters and now more so than ever my husband who's learning that with me and then hopefully as many people as I can cause a ripple effect for.
00:03:25
Speaker
That's beautiful. That is actually how Val and I met was through a health and wellness company that we're both a part of. It has been amazing because we met that way, yet we ended up finding out we had so many other levels of our life that were in common and have bonded in many different levels. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for our friendship too, Kendra. It was such a
00:03:53
Speaker
pleasant surprise of this beautiful journey as well. Oh, well, I am grateful that you're in my life, my dear.
Mother's Battle with Cancer
00:04:02
Speaker
So now you spoke a little bit then, so you mentioned about your mom. So let's go ahead and go. It's kind of like you take the band-aid right off, like in this conversation, since we go straight basically to the point here and tell us a little bit about that experience of your mom passing.
00:04:22
Speaker
So my mom was an incredible woman. She was an OBGYN. And so she worked really hard at her job. And ironically, she herself found at the age of 35, a lump in her breast ended up being breast cancer. And for about 10 years, she on and off fought it like a champion.
00:04:46
Speaker
So at that age of 12 for me was a really huge inflection point My whole world's kind of turned upside down and she was really the center of my universe, you know, she was everything to me and so I just watched her in that journey and I really that age didn't know how to cope I didn't know about coping mechanisms or things that I'm learning now as an adult with mindset and
00:05:11
Speaker
And she really fought hard, but unfortunately at the age of 45, she did not, wasn't able to fight any longer. So she had passed and I was about 22 years old at that point.
Struggling with Grief
00:05:27
Speaker
I entered med school and I knew that I really wanted to be a healer, but I just didn't know the path. I was still struggling with my own demons about the grief process.
00:05:37
Speaker
You know, and I'm still going through it. There's really never an after or a finish line, but I do know that what she went through and what it taught me is really the catalyst for me trying to be the best version of myself.
00:05:53
Speaker
It was quite a journey for me. Let's talk a little bit about that journey. You were 12 when she was diagnosed or found her own lump in her breast.
00:06:12
Speaker
And then did she go through chemo? Did she do all those routes? What did she do for the 10 years that she was in that process of her illness? Yeah. So at the time when she was diagnosed, it was very big to do just lumpectomies. So she did that just a portion.
00:06:32
Speaker
where the tumor was, was removed. And she didn't at that initial episode, I believe it was so long ago. And when you go through those things, you block things out. But she didn't have chemo or radiation at that time. So she just had the surgery to remove the lump.
00:06:49
Speaker
And then five years went by and those five years were still hard. I would definitely see and feel the sadness that she had. I always felt that she kind of was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.
00:07:03
Speaker
And then after the first five years, she developed, I believe it was a spread to the other breast. So at that point, she had had a bilateral double mastectomy and went through chemo, which was torturous and everything that goes with that, losing the hair and her breasts. And as a woman, as women, unfortunately in society,
00:07:31
Speaker
are forced, I believe, to look at our external part of ourselves as what defines us sometimes. I don't think it's a blanket statement. I think for a lot of women, it holds true to some degree. And losing the things that identify us as women, our breasts and our hair being, like, I think the number one and two,
00:07:52
Speaker
really can be traumatic. I watched her go through that and she got a wig and she continued to work through all of it. I was going to ask you that. Oh my gosh, yeah. That just shows right there the type of woman that she was. In a little bit, I want to actually go back
Balancing College and Family
00:08:15
Speaker
a little bit to her history as well.
00:08:17
Speaker
You were, at this moment then, you were about 17. You were in high school when she was her second reaction when she started chemo. Yeah, I was actually a second semester freshman in college. Oh, already? Okay. What's so interesting is my mom really wanted me to be independent and go to a college a little bit farther away from home to not feel so sheltered. I was very adamant about staying close. I got into NYU. I got a partial academic scholarship.
00:08:47
Speaker
And I lived in the city and I was really happy that I did make that decision, even though that's not what she wanted. And I believe she was happy in the end because she was diagnosed again in my second semester of my freshman year. So I was able to kind of go with her to chemo and to be able to come home when I
00:09:05
Speaker
needed to and when she needed it. But I will tell you something interesting with my mom and through the very end, through the last day, she never was giving full disclosure of her illness to protect myself and my brother who was six years younger. So she always kind of hid the truth about how it was. And I always knew, I think, so I always found out
00:09:29
Speaker
the real deal but I know that she did it because she loved us but at that time I was going through so much of my grief that I was upset that she wouldn't tell me the full story but now being a mom I totally get why you understand absolutely yeah and so
00:09:45
Speaker
Yeah, so I was able to be there for her more than if I had gone away to Rochester, which was another college that I'd gotten into because I grew up in Long Island. And so it was a really hard time for me navigating, like, being out on my own in college, trying to carry the scholarship and then having to process this all. And I think it was
00:10:12
Speaker
you know, huge inflection point in anybody's life, obviously, but then, again, she made it another five years and
00:10:22
Speaker
I remember she went out to California for a medical school reunion. And when she had come back, she was complaining of having some neck pain. And again, she told me that everything was okay. And it was around Thanksgiving of 1994 that she had to go to the hospital, that she had a lesion in her lung.
00:10:47
Speaker
And it was exactly Thanksgiving Eve that we were in the hospital. And from then it affected her brain and within two months of that time in January of 1995 is when she passed. So it was really quick that last time. That last little bit, yeah. But I mean, in general, this was a 10 year process. This was just something that had been going on for 10 years. It was just that last
00:11:17
Speaker
bit that was the hardest to watch probably. Oh yeah it was the hardest and also the easiest in some sense because it happened so quickly because
00:11:27
Speaker
I watched her go from this incredibly vibrant, like she was unstoppable. There was nothing she couldn't do. And even in the hospital as she was recovering at that last 10 year mark, people were amazed. Like she was done up in makeup and perfectly coiffed and dressed to the nines.
00:11:48
Speaker
yet she was really struggling inside and I think because it happened so quickly it was a more peaceful passing.
Lessons from Mother's Life
00:11:58
Speaker
She passed at home with myself there at her side and a lot of our family friends and yeah I mean it was definitely hard but easy because it was it was faster than
00:12:16
Speaker
some people will go through that last stages. Was your brother there as well? Yeah, he was about to turn 16 and he was in his room at that time and I think as most boys
00:12:33
Speaker
do he internalized a lot of it so we dealt with our grief quite differently I was much more vocal he was much more closed about it and that continues to this day now almost more than 25 years later
00:12:51
Speaker
Yeah, something that it's interesting. Yeah, sorry to interrupt you. It's such a good point that you bring up is that you both lost your mom yet at the same time, the process of grief is just different based on the age you each were your personalities. I mean, having that I'm one of four.
00:13:10
Speaker
children and our sister passed away and then how each of us dealt with her passing and then afterwards when our mom passed away how each of us dealt with that was very different. It was based on our own life experience and our own personalities and our own perceptions of life.
00:13:25
Speaker
So the same loss can affect people differently. And that is very good point that you bring up. So sorry, go ahead. You were saying so he was in his room at that time. And then he came out, obviously, and my dad was working.
00:13:40
Speaker
And that's kind of how it's symbolic of just how we all were and how we dealt with things. I kind of was front and center trying to process. My dad struggled deeply, obviously, but you know, work was how he handled his grief. And my brother, you know, also in his own way, struggled and he loved her deeply.
00:14:06
Speaker
but it was harder for him to face it the way. So I think it was all just meant symbolically, just meant to happen the way it was supposed to happen.
00:14:18
Speaker
Now, do you recall a little bit of that day just when the transition happened? When you think back in that moment, do you see it as if it's a movie? Do you remember the details? Do you remember the emotions? Or do you see yourself as this
00:14:40
Speaker
person as if you're watching a movie. I'm saying a word in Spanish in my head, but a character in a movie. How do you remember that?
00:14:51
Speaker
I do remember being there and the emotion of it. The day before or the day of, I can't recall, she had lost her ability to speak. Her vocal cords had become paralyzed. She became paralyzed initially from the brain involvement, but she was able to still speak. But then the day before, the day of,
00:15:15
Speaker
She actually lost her voice and one of her partners in the OB practice had told everybody to come by because he had felt like this was the sign. So I guess it was probably better, I'm getting emotional, that she wasn't able to speak because I could only imagine it would be much harder.
00:15:44
Speaker
She kind of just looked at me and just took her last breath.
00:15:58
Speaker
Val, thank you for being just so open and sharing that moment. And for people listening and the fact again, this was 1995, I want you all to know and just like Val said, grief is a journey. There's no beginning or end. And all these moments that we have in our lives in which when we think of our loved ones,
00:16:21
Speaker
either in happy occasions or when we're thinking of the moments of their passing or anything like that, there can still be emotions that are attached to that and for everybody is different and it is normal. And that is, again, why this podcast is so important because we need to normalize this conversation and people to feel that it's okay to feel the way they do and that
00:16:47
Speaker
Grief shouldn't be shunned upon. It's you know, it's a normal emotion and And I just I'm so grateful that you shared about that moment You see that that's a thing that is exactly how grief is it is just these waves you keep you don't know when a large wave is gonna come and just like
00:17:08
Speaker
bring you, you know, down. You know, sometimes you're just there, you know, relaxing in the ocean, and then all of a sudden, boom, you know, the tide just
Family's Immigration Story
00:17:18
Speaker
rises. So it is unexpected. And thank you again for sharing that.
00:17:23
Speaker
I want to talk about your mom's character because just even how she was able to manage still working, even though she was going through all this huge amount of change for 10 years of her life and having a six-year-old
00:17:46
Speaker
son when she was diagnosed and a 12-year-old daughter. I can't even imagine how she felt. I mean, we both have kids in that age. So just to even fathom that idea is scary.
00:18:03
Speaker
Tell me a little bit about her history. What your mom, you mentioned she went to school, I guess in California, if her reunion was there, that's where she went to school? No, no, we actually were Persians, so we immigrated to the States when I was an infant. So my parents both went to med school back home. In Iran? In Iran.
00:18:25
Speaker
Oh, and so the reunion that they had in California with friends from Iran that they graduated from college. Yeah, a lot of them had emigrated to California and different parts of our state. I lived there. I called it Terangilis, my dear. Terangilis. I lived in Terangilis. That's why I know a little bit of Farsi. Yeah, so that's where the reunion was. Oh, okay.
00:18:48
Speaker
So her character, she was just exceptional. There was nothing that she couldn't do. She was a female OBGYN in a kind of a male run world at that time, especially.
Mother's Adventurous Spirit
00:19:01
Speaker
She was amazing and brilliant. She was a fantastic surgeon. She was
00:19:08
Speaker
a gift to her patients and I just remember her funeral being filled with so many people and one particular one stands out. It was the last delivery she had
00:19:18
Speaker
been involved in the last baby she had delivered and they came. And so she worked through it all. And what I remember most about her time in those 10 years was that she really decided to live her life full on. And it's sad that it had to take something and it always does for most people.
00:19:41
Speaker
something so tragic to make you live full on. So when she was 35, when she was first diagnosed, she decided she was going to ride a bike. It was her first experience and she had a 10 speed. So you can like imagine my dad and I and my brother trying to like
00:19:54
Speaker
hold on to her and she would fall down and scrape her knee and she never quit. She just would always get back up. She would bruise herself, black eye, go to work like that. And then she decided, I'm going to learn how to ski at 40. She was so brave. And within a year or two, she was black diamonds all the way.
00:20:15
Speaker
She actually even, yeah, I never would go on those trails with her. And she said one time she had literally almost fell off a cliff, but it didn't stop her. Like she was just, and that, and when she would fall, the biggest thing she would worry about, cause at that time it was post chemo that when she had her second recurrent, she had chemo and she was like afraid that her wig would fall off. So she was holding onto her wig as she would like, you know, come off the skis.
00:20:42
Speaker
But I mean, she worked through, obviously there were times she couldn't work, you know, for brief moments, but through it all she worked, she pursued her passion. She just lived really, she traveled so much with not just my dad alone, but with us as a family, we traveled so much. And I think that she really, she knew that
00:21:08
Speaker
her time was limited. So, you know, two years before she passed, she had made this amazing portrait of herself that is hanging in my house that I'm so lucky to have. My kids are able to know who their grandmother, what she physically looked like beyond just pictures. It's this amazing regal picture of her. She rented this gorgeous dress and
00:21:31
Speaker
A friend of hers had painted it from a picture and she was just amazing. She really was.
00:21:40
Speaker
I always say this, I don't know if you ever watched MacGyver, that show with Richard D. Anderson, right? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely, girl. You know how he would take- We all would pretend to be MacGyvers. I'm close to your age, so I'm like, yeah, I know exactly. Was she a MacGyver? Well, in the sense that he would have a piece of bubblegum and a rubber band- Yeah, or he could make anything out of it. He could make a rocket ship out of it, so she would do that with anything. We'd come home and
00:22:09
Speaker
She was an exceptional cook. So she cooked and she was a seamstress. She was always working out. She was eating as clean as possible. She loved wine. She was a wine connoisseur. She got my dad really into it. So they built a wine cellar. She was just amazing. She had so many talents and so many gifts. And it was just like always unveiling it to me was just so amazing. And she never sat still. She was always doing something.
00:22:38
Speaker
And I think she just was in a hurry to live life and she knew that it was limited as we all do, I guess, ultimately. Exactly. I mean, we know that that is, we are going to die and we don't know the when, yet at the same time, why is it that for some of us it takes those eye opening moments in life like that scary sometimes moments to just start living.
00:23:07
Speaker
It is sad that we have to wait for those moments to really start living. But she really made the best out of those years. And for you to see how she lived, what a great example for you and your brother to see that.
Coping and Personal Growth
00:23:25
Speaker
grit and perseverance, tenacity. Those are just some of the words that come to mind just from what you've shared. And not afraid to learn new things when we're older. The fact that she learned to ride a bike starting at 35 and all these different
00:23:47
Speaker
things that she did, the skiing. It's amazing. What an amazing woman. I can see even more now, though, why it is you are the woman you are, my dear. Thank you. You're too kind. Oh, no, I'm just being truthful. I'm being honest. Love, how was it for you about to then, you were mentioning, of course, finding out when you were 12 about her diagnosis and then when she passed at 12, when you were 22,
00:24:16
Speaker
What were some of the tools that you used in order to help you in your grieving process or your morning process? I heard the difference between morning and grieving. Morning are the things we do in order to help us grieve.
00:24:33
Speaker
So whether journaling or singing or walking in nature or planting a tree in honor of somebody, you know, things like that. And grieving is just those moments in which it just kind of, it just happens, you know, like what even just happened in this conversation. So what were some of the things you helped in your journey? Gosh, I didn't really have many tools in my toolbox, Kendra, like I do now. So morning for me was just like eating. I had a terrible relationship with food and because I couldn't control
00:25:02
Speaker
my experience with what were her or her experience. Yes, I was controlling what I ate and I developed some OCDs around things in my life. Like if I was doing something like a homework and I thought of my mom's illness, I would like rip it up and start over because I was like, I can't put that thought
00:25:23
Speaker
that negative thought it was really, yeah, it was very paralyzing in some ways. So the OCDs and, and I didn't have the tools about I didn't know about your annoying and I didn't really understand gratitude, I was just very much drowning in that lack of control that I had. So it was
00:25:43
Speaker
really hard to give you anything that I did that was productive for me. That was helpful. How about in terms of your beliefs? What were your family? If you're okay with sharing that, what was your family's belief about death? Because sometimes that also has an impact of how we deal
Support System After Loss
00:26:00
Speaker
with a death. Do you remember it
00:26:02
Speaker
being something you guys know we never we never did we kind of just brush things like that under the table we didn't really have we weren't religious I mean I know that my parents believed in God and I and I do too and I'm very very spiritual and I pray all the time now but and I know my dad was always doing that but like I didn't we didn't have any
00:26:23
Speaker
connection to religion, to be quite honest. So I don't remember having any sort of understanding about the life after death and whatnot. So it was it was not I didn't feel like it was
00:26:38
Speaker
at all, it was very dysfunctional for me the way that I handled it because it was the only way I knew how. That is what you knew. That is what it was, so can't control what it was right now. It's just what it is. Then that was in your 20s. When did the journey of trying to either, was it personal growth? What were some of the things that you started to pick up along the way to help you?
00:27:08
Speaker
To mourn or to grieve? Or did it just happen on its own? I guess maybe my now looking back, my only sense that I can have of how I handled it was always talking about her, was just always talking about her. Not until I joined the health and wellness company that you and I are both a part of, did I really develop any skills about personal development or mindset
00:27:37
Speaker
I really didn't have any tools whatsoever. So for me at the time, I was just talking about her all the time, really. That was it. And you know what? That is a great way of remembering somebody that's past is by sharing.
00:27:53
Speaker
stories and keeping their memory alive in that way. So that is one of your methods. That was one of your methods. So aside from the OCD-ness that was developed as a side effect, I guess, from what you had experienced.
00:28:08
Speaker
Um, then the, the way that you really healed in, I mean, it's, you're constantly healing. It's again, it's not a fixing. We're not trying to fix. It's not a fixing. There's nothing to fix. It's not about fixing anything. Um, but it's about just being able to live with it in a way that it's healthier and, you know, manageable in our lives that we're not hurting ourselves or hurting those around us. And so by talking about her, I'm sure that that really helped.
00:28:35
Speaker
Now, was that something that others in your family also would do? Would you sit around and be like, oh, remember my mom did the skiing down the hill and her wig would fall off and she'd put it back on? Humor for me is one of my ways. Tell me to. When you said that, the image of her, oh my gosh, I'm more worried about my wig. Right. No, I don't think we really did that as a family. Again, after my mom died, my dad did take my brother and myself to
00:29:02
Speaker
a psychiatrist to sit down and talk and that was just the only one time we ever did that together. But I don't know. I mean, I guess I just talked about it with my friends at the time. I really don't recall
00:29:20
Speaker
Having family discussions, initially it was kind of, again, I was in med school, I was kind of just focusing on that and really working hard and the friends that I had at the time I would
00:29:34
Speaker
talk about the loss, but it wasn't something that I remember as a family sitting and reminiscing, although we did have some videos and things that we would watch, which are just treasures. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, that is wonderful.
00:29:49
Speaker
Yeah, so I don't remember it being anything more than that for me. Did you have other family in the States when they moved from Iran?
Family Support in Motherhood
00:30:01
Speaker
Oh, yeah. The other family members? Oh, yeah. We have. Did they live in New York area too? In the New York area? Well, my aunt, my dad's sister, she's a huge part of our life. She was like kind of the matriarch of our family at the time when we came here. She had come here first, like braids.
00:30:16
Speaker
She's also a physician, a cardiologist since retired, and she took us in. We lived with her for so many years. At the time, we had our own home for several years, but after my mom died- Because you were born in Iran. You were born in Iran as well. Yes. You were. How old when you guys- I was like an immigrant. Maybe a year, maybe less, maybe between one and two.
00:30:41
Speaker
But we then moved in with my aunt for time being because my dad could not live in that house anymore because that's where my mom died and there were too many memories. So we sold that house. We lived with her for a bit. My dad bought another house not far away from that.
00:30:54
Speaker
So yeah, we always had my aunt, and I have another aunt who lives in Jersey, but was really that aunt that we had kind of lived with for so long. So she was a big part of that for me. Did she become somebody that you would reach out to later on in your life? Because then there's a whole bunch of other life changing moments that came graduating from college, marrying, having children,
00:31:19
Speaker
Is she the person that you would call? Or is it your dad? Who do you have that relationship and bond with? Yeah. It's funny because my mom's death was really the catalyst for strengthening my relationship with my dad. He was somebody that I started to develop a really incredible relationship with after the death of my mom. He worked so hard all of our lives. They both did.
00:31:46
Speaker
But it was the first time that I got to really know him and understand who he was. And he is one of my very best friends, aside from my husband. But it took that event to bring us closer.
00:32:05
Speaker
But it's interesting because my dad has had a brother who lived mostly in Iran who come visit and he became somebody that I connected with. He
00:32:19
Speaker
really was an amazing spiritual man. And so he believed in Sufism, which is a mystical sect. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. Yeah. So he taught me about, you know, death before dying, you know, live your life as if you were dying so that while you're still alive. And I forged an incredible bond with him. And then my mom
00:32:41
Speaker
had a partner in her practice that she was very good friends with. And her, his wife is one of my dearest reminders of my mom. So she was there when my mom died in the room and she had asked my mom to watch over us. And she has always been that for me. She's come to the birth of all of my kids, no matter what time of day, no matter how bad she was feeling, she had a really bad back issues and she showed up
00:33:10
Speaker
in the delivery room with my dad and my husband, they are of course. And so she was really a very big constant and still is in my life. And I'm hoping she will listen to this podcast. But she, yeah, she, there was a lot of people, you know, it takes a village, you can't do it alone. And sometimes they come in unexpected people. So yeah, I never expected my uncle that I saw maybe a few months out of the year to ever be that for me. But he was a huge part of that.
00:33:40
Speaker
part of my life in college. And then when she was still alive, but I struggled with all of that was going what was going on. And then through med school, and beyond, you know, it just became the people like you that I meet that no big part of your circle that you realize how much of a common thread you all have with people. So
00:34:06
Speaker
Yeah, so people really, people talking about her and keeping her memory alive by also looking at pictures and videos. So those were really your tools. Your tools were really relying and learning and leaning on these people in your life that became your, somewhat of your mentors, you know, right? Yeah, yeah. Because in this.
00:34:32
Speaker
Yeah, I would tell sorry to interrupt you, but I would ask Lois, my mom's really good friend, you know, tell me some stories about my mom when you guys used to all hang out as adults, you know, because the kids weren't involved. And then when I had all three of my children, I didn't live anywhere near the hospital.
00:34:49
Speaker
that she worked at. But it was always my dream that she would deliver my babies. I wasn't that far. I mean, I was probably an hour plus away, which isn't really the safest thing to do is, you know, try to deliver so far away. But each time I would go out to Long Island to give birth in the hospital and
00:35:07
Speaker
they had had this gorgeous quilt that they made in her honor with her picture right in the middle of it. It was like life's, it was the size of an entire wall. And the nurses that were there, I didn't know them that well. But one of them came up to me, she goes, it's an honor to just even be in this room with you because of how much I loved your mom. And so it was really special. And all her partners delivered my three of my kids. So each partner
00:35:32
Speaker
delivered them and it was, it was the way Oh my gosh, just to think that your daughters were born in the place that your mom worked and that that was her work was a huge part of her life and how she also handled all those years that she was you know, living with cancer and
00:35:56
Speaker
being able to be there. And even the part where you shared how one of the last, you know, the family that she had last delivered for was also at the funeral, like all those kind of moments just brought me so much, you know, and so for you to give birth at the hospital, because I was actually going to ask you that too, is how is it for you as a mom to be raising three girls? And
00:36:24
Speaker
And not having her, like, you know, having her, do you call Lewis? Do you call who? Yeah, Lewis. Yeah, who is your person? And how did you notice another level of grief, to some extent, after you became a mom?
00:36:43
Speaker
Oh, 1000%. Yeah, it was so hard to be a motherless mom. And I so what's interesting is I have a very dear friend that I only met from our kids being in school together. And that was maybe about less than five years ago. So
00:36:59
Speaker
She's so similar to me. She lost her mother to breast cancer at a young age. We are very neurotic about clean eating. We're insanely similar that way. We have so many similarities in our own personal characteristics in other ways, and she's somebody that I really heavily rely on for that. But my dad was fortunate enough to meet and marry a lovely lady, Donna, who
00:37:26
Speaker
when I had my kids was one of my saving graces. I mean, she really stepped in and she was part of my village. And then my mother-in-law who I adore, I'm so lucky. She was also and still is they both continue to be a huge, huge part of that support system for me after becoming a mom. And I
00:37:50
Speaker
I don't know how I would have done it without their help and then when my oldest was born we had an incredible wonderful nanny that helped us and she was like the baby of 12 kids never had her own kids but she probably taught me more about motherhood
00:38:07
Speaker
than anyone. Even though she was the youngest. Even though she was the oldest. She was the oldest. I apologize. She was the oldest. She raised all her siblings. Yes, practically. And she just, you know, having
00:38:22
Speaker
having my babies was the biggest gift of my life, yet it was so hard not being able to ask my mom, well, did I do this when I was little? Or how do I handle this? Or what did you do? It was really hard, because there was nobody that could answer that question in her place. So yeah, it was a whole level all over again, just like you said. It was just opening up 1,000%.
00:38:50
Speaker
Yeah, and also the emotions that come from becoming a mom are just so much more heightened when we become moms anyway. Everything is just so much like...
00:39:02
Speaker
There were certain TV shows I couldn't watch anymore because I'd like be calling, right? Because it's like your emotions are just out there. You feel for everybody. Yeah, there's this empathy that even if we're normally empathetic anyway, it just becomes even bigger.
00:39:22
Speaker
when you become a mom. Aside from that, then you also had the component of the grief side also coming to the surface of this new experience of motherhood and having to do it without your mom physically by your
Teaching Openness to Children
00:39:39
Speaker
side. Because again, that visual of you in that hospital and that you mentioned about the quilt with a picture on it and
00:39:48
Speaker
everybody being there. In my perspective, there is no doubt in my mind, in my viewpoint, which is that she was there. Oh yeah, 100%. No question. No question. So that is a given for sure. And that's just such a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing that. Do you talk about her to the girls? Oh my gosh, all the time. All the time.
00:40:15
Speaker
Yeah, and kids love that in general, but yeah, all the time. All the time. I find that, I mean, my kids got to meet my mom, but they never met my sister because my sister died when I was 21. And so I always say, Tia Sores, which is aunt, Sores was her nickname. So it's like, Tia Sores, no, no, no, Tia Sores, I'm constantly, just like how you said you would talk about your mom, I'm constantly bringing up her name to my kids all their life. Yes.
00:40:43
Speaker
they feel like they know my sister even though they never met her you know so um it is i i believe at least that it's a big you know part of uh an important part to be able to pass on those memories of our loved ones to these other generations um because they make part of who we are too 100 and it teaches them
00:41:06
Speaker
about how to, like, I'm such a believer, and I put this on my social media post recently, about just breaking the cycle of generations, right? So, you know, my mom, she was amazing, and she tried to wear a million hats, and she still struggled internally, and just kind of put herself last and had her demons that, you know, she didn't probably kind of
00:41:34
Speaker
evaluate and then I developed my own, not through any fault of anyone's, but just the process of life and my journey. And I learned the tools about personal development and mindset work and then I try to be evolving and so that my children will eventually break that cycle. They will be the generation that breaks that cycle. So to me,
Openness and Family Secrets
00:41:58
Speaker
that is so critical because we don't talk about this stuff. In my mom's generation and her friends, they don't talk about the pain that they go through of general life and what the expectations of society are on them and what they have to live up to. And they don't realize how important it is to be vulnerable and to talk and to be open.
00:42:21
Speaker
Um, and so it's so taboo, right? You're not allowed to tell people that you're sad about something. Oh, no. And that's why even hiding even sometimes even an illness, you know, she, there were probably, I don't know if there were some of her close friends that might've not known for a long time that she was even sick. Well, she didn't tell her, she didn't tell her mom, she didn't tell her own mother and her brother. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And then, so for them, that was a terrific blow. Um, because she was trying to protect them, right? Because she was always trying to be,
00:42:50
Speaker
the one that protected everybody else. And in the end, it was a beautiful part of them. But it was a beautiful, you know, it was her way of being a beautifully kind, loving daughter, sister and mother, but it really, we have to be honest. Yeah, it's a lot of times what we think we're doing in order to protect those around us to not suffer can sometimes end up making them suffer more at the end. I am
00:43:20
Speaker
big believer in just sharing things in the moment and not hiding things. Because I at least I think that finding out right when it would happen and not having that process of grieving through the process of somebody, for example, being sick makes it so much harder. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it's as if you had it's as if it had been like a sudden death rather, you know, it really because you're just finding out that in that way. So
00:43:50
Speaker
But again, again, taking back to that, it goes back to what you were mentioning, your mom was doing it out of love. The reason she chose to do that was based out of love, and it was based on her upbringing and her
00:44:05
Speaker
her way of also maybe culturally what she had grown up seeing and that is just how it is. So it's up to us to then, like you said, break cycles that can bring more harm than good. Just kind of break those for our next generations.
00:44:23
Speaker
I wanted to also ask you, you mentioned again about the personal growth and development. How did that start playing a part? You mentioned you started implementing that after you joined our health and wellness company. How did that come into your life and what is it that you see now that has been a big shift for you?
00:44:49
Speaker
So, I mean I just learned about the importance of just daily gratitude right so you know even going through what's happening now with covert 19, just being able to live in gratitude that.
00:45:06
Speaker
you know, we are blessed because we are together as a family more now than ever. And just being grateful for, and I used to say this before I learned the personal development, you know, some people would ever have a mom, like my mom was for me, but yet I had the privilege of at least having her for 22 years of my life. So just being grateful for that and grateful that my dad and I have a strengthened relationship and grateful
00:45:33
Speaker
That would have probably not happened, that relationship. That's one of the things that I noticed the most in our family dynamics of how much it changed when one piece of that puzzle was not there, how it completely made the shift in the inner relations. I would not have the relationship I have with my brother and my sister. I guarantee it.
00:45:51
Speaker
had my sisters or on a scale, it would be different. I would have a relationship. It would just be different. It would be different, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Okay. So then gratefulness, creative attitude.
Integrating Wellness in Practice
00:46:02
Speaker
Yeah. And then just knowing that anything you want to create in your life is by your design. So just understanding that I don't have to be
00:46:18
Speaker
worried about my destiny with health and on the flip side of it for me also beside the mindset work was just throwing myself into the world of healing on a level different than I was trained conventionally in medical school but more about how we are not destined to live out the genes that we may have and that there is a science called epigenetics meaning above the gene and that our lifestyle
00:46:47
Speaker
nutrition our the people we surround ourselves with our community our thoughts are all tied into that and so because of this company of ours that we're both in I was able to connect with mindset leaders and thought leaders and just be able to open like the channels of neuroplasticity right just to be able to make new synapses to know that
00:47:14
Speaker
I can have control over the things that are a part of my life, that I am in the driver's seat. And then ultimately, for me, it's always been about passing that torch to my daughters, sometimes prematurely, because everyone has always told me rightfully so that you got to start with you, Val, you got to learn you before you teach them, but they're always in that center of my universe. So teaching them and learning has become
00:47:40
Speaker
like such a huge part of my life because of partly because of this company and all the people I've met through it and the community. So that's really what I have now to be a tool in my toolbox and how lucky I feel for that. I know. And I feel like we always say this, but it's the company we're part of, it's like it's a personal growth and development company disguised as a health and wellness company. Right, exactly. But that's all of that's what health and wellness is, right? It's all about personal growth. You never stop. Yeah.
00:48:09
Speaker
Yeah, and health and wellness is about our mind, our body, our soul. It's more than just our body. It's our mind and our emotions and how we think, how we feel, and then all the human experiences we have, those interactions. Something came up, as you were saying, and it's really interesting to see that aspect of control, how when your mom passed away,
00:48:33
Speaker
You thought since you didn't have control over her passing, then you were controlling, then what you could control, which was food. And in that case, you were using it as comfort. And now how all of us, after your journey, now to see in your journey how the control of
00:48:51
Speaker
health component of how we choose to eat has that effect in our health. And that is some aspect that we have in control. And I always tell this to my kids too, it's that we can only do what we can. So I'm like, I can't guarantee that because I'm eating organic or because I'm eating
00:49:11
Speaker
X, Y, and Z and this and that, that I'm going to be healthy for the rest. I can't guarantee that, but I am doing what's in my control to live the healthiest life I can and hoping that food being medicine, that at least I am doing the right thing. I want to then now
00:49:33
Speaker
talk a little bit about how you now practice your being a dermatologist and now that you have this aspect of health and wellness in your background, how do you then merge these two and how do you inspire your patients? So I believe in my heart of hearts that there is no
00:49:53
Speaker
compartmentalization of health so yes i specialize in dermatology because growing up i had terrible acne and i can totally relate and i love the field for so many reasons especially because it allows me flexibility in my schedule to be just working part-time so i could be home with my girls but truly you know
00:50:12
Speaker
It's not a compartmentalized thing, health and wellness. It's all integrative. And that's why I pursued a fellowship in integrative medicine that I just completed in February. But so I practice it just authentically in my office that when somebody comes with a skin issue, it's really just a story of something internally that's going on. And we kind of unfold that in the office and really try to connect the dots the best we can to understand that.
00:50:41
Speaker
We can use the marriage of Western and Eastern medicine to really kind of get great results, but more importantly, how powerful they are.
Journey of Personal Growth
00:50:53
Speaker
And they don't need to relinquish that power to a physician or an external source that they can find those answers. And one of the greatest tools I learned from a mindset coach is that power. And I started to read about Dr. Joseph Dispenza and his work and how
00:51:13
Speaker
neuroscience and quantum physics have so much to do. Like our nervous system is our greatest pharmacy, right? Like you hear about the placebo effect when somebody has a sugar pill and they don't know it, and then all their symptoms go away, right? Like that just means that our bodies.
00:51:29
Speaker
can heal, right? I mean, because it starts with the part of with the mind with the fact that the people think they are and then yeah, yeah, you make it Yeah, what's that saying you think you think what you think you you I know the same if you change your thoughts, you change your world or something. Yeah, something like yeah. So for me, like the power of our
00:51:52
Speaker
own bodies that want to intrinsically walk towards health. It's a really exceptional thing. And yes, it's frustrating because it doesn't happen overnight and neither did my journey. And I'm not even done, but every day I try to just be a little bit better than I was just a little bit, even with my nutrition, even with my
00:52:12
Speaker
you know, mindset that I'm working so hard on meditation is something I'm really trying to focus on. And it's not easy for this crazy busy mind to be like sitting still. Oh, that's me. That's me. For me, my meditation is just even walking my dog like even in walking my dog in silence is my meditation or if I stand on a grass,
00:52:32
Speaker
barefoot is my meditation. Prayer is a big part of my life. Yes, I do that a lot.
Challenges with Meditation
00:52:37
Speaker
Yeah. But it's interesting meditation. I find it hard as well. So I have to be doing something, even the shower, just that running the ... When I'm showering, it's like all these amazing thoughts come in my mind. It's like it's been peaceful. Yes. So what are some of the things that you have found for meditation that work for our busy type of minds?
00:52:57
Speaker
I'm still searching girlfriend. I don't know. I just started to do the last three days of brought Bob Proctor has a abundance meditation. So I've been doing that really, it's the most consistent I've ever done anything for the last three days, which is like a big deal.
00:53:15
Speaker
And I guess just prayer like I you know that's something I do every day with my kids in the morning at night during the day if I'm finding myself like reeling out of control with anxiety for whatever reason so yeah I that for me has worked and we'll see I'm always open to learning new things about how to calm my mind.
00:53:39
Speaker
Well, you've just shared so much, Val, and I know everybody listening is going to have gone on this emotional ride with us, I hope, and be able to also take a whole bunch of
00:53:54
Speaker
nuggets of experience and tips along the way of what they can do in their life. And if anything, when they were listening to kind of feel that comfort of knowing that if they've gotten those waves that have come in the middle of their day or in a conversation like we had, even in this one, that is absolutely normal. And that is a huge gift, I think, for when someone else can
00:54:24
Speaker
feel connected to another person's story and be able to heal themselves. So thank you so much for sharing all of this. And now, Val, before we close off, how can people get in touch with you if they want to find out a little bit more of even just how you practice your medicine? And now, what's the best way to find you?
00:54:50
Speaker
Yeah, my husband and I are creating a vision board of our future practice together online. But for now, for now, we don't have that. So you can see the time the time that you're using during this quarantine of creating this amazing vision board of your practice.
00:55:06
Speaker
So they can find me through my Facebook page, which is Valerie knows that it is a private page. But um, you know, I can always send me a message and I do have a practice in the Orange County area of New York.
00:55:22
Speaker
I didn't even know there was an Orange County in New York. Being that I lived in California, I think of Orange County, California. It's not the same. I'll put whatever information you give me that you'd like.
Conclusion and Connection
00:55:40
Speaker
You can share my Instagram and my Facebook page. That probably would be the easiest way for people to reach me. Perfect. I'll put that in the show notes so that if people want to reach out and see how they can see you either in person or just even follow and be inspired, they can do so.
00:55:58
Speaker
And I'm just so grateful. Oh, I would love that. I want to impact everybody I can, Kendra. Thank you so much. Oh, well, right now with this call, you did already, my dear, as well. Thank you. You just did by this call. I say call, this podcast. It is a call slash recorded to become a podcast. So thank you so much again, Val. I love you, and thanks for sharing. I love you dearly. Thank you for all you do, Kendra. Oh, your story. You're a gift, a gift.
00:56:20
Speaker
Oh, I told this to Kim in the last interview, and you know who I'm talking about, Kim since she's your friend as well, but she just started to say that. I'm like, then it isn't that about me. This is not my part. It's about you. It's your, so I stayed the same year. I'm so grateful. Love you, dear. Love you, too. Thanks again. Okay, bye now. Thank you all for tuning in.
00:56:43
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:57:12
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.