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Talking to kids about sex: The good, the bad, and the awkward! {Episode 19}
114 Plays5 years ago
Today Bonnie and Audrey tackle the topic of sex education. Talking to kids about sex is an important parenting task. We cover this in 4 parts; 1- Why to have the talk, 2- What age to give them which information, 3- How to cover the specifics and 4- How this relates to them and puberty. Explaining about "the birds and the bees" is not a comfortable conversation sometimes, but a very important one to discuss. We give you tips for healthy conversations about sex with your kids.
Bonnie recommends:
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Junior
Audrey recommends:
The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls
The Care and Keeping of You 2: The Body Book for Older Girls
Recommended
Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:11
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're moms to a combined total of 16 kids with two more on the way. Yes, we know that sounds insane, and it usually is. But we're here to share the tips that help us keep our sanity and to share inspiring thoughts that help us get through each crazy day. Uninterrupted conversation is foreign to us, but we'll try. And we invite you to join us on our journey as we find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
Episode Overview: Discussing 'The Talk'
00:00:46
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 19 of Outnumbered the Podcast. Just a little heads up before we start today where our topic is something that you might want to wear earbuds if you normally listen with children in the room and if you are not yet ready to talk with them about the birds and the bees. It's very clean and we have a lot of great information for you, but just wanted to give you that heads up before we begin. So pause here, grab a pair of earbuds if you wish, and we'll talk to you in a sec.
00:01:15
Speaker
We're talking about a really fun topic today, how to have the talk with your kids. That's right. I liked your fun topic. That's a little question mark at the end of that. This isn't one that everybody looks forward to.
00:01:32
Speaker
Right, right. Very loaded topic can sometimes be kind of emotional, sometimes kind of embarrassing, but we are going to take it down to brass tacks for you guys and talk about our experiences, why it's so important to have this talk. We're talking specifically about talking about sex with your kids and how to best do it and keep those lines of communication open.
00:01:50
Speaker
So before the humor segment this week, we wanted to start by sharing a review that we got. And we'll do this every once in a while. And we'd love it if you guys would leave us a review on iTunes. It really helps other people discover the podcast, too. So you can leave a rating that's swiping across the stars. But actually, writing a review helps other people find us on the podcast. So we really appreciate when people do that, too.
00:02:17
Speaker
So this reviewer said this week's topic was one I didn't really think I would be interested in, but the topic was picky eaters. But after 30 seconds of listening, I was hooked.
00:02:29
Speaker
they said, you two just are having so much fun together. I love to listen every week. So thank you for that review. Yeah, that's nice. Okay.
Importance of Having 'The Talk'
00:02:39
Speaker
So leading into this week's topic, we are going to start with a humor segment. So we have had a couple of these talks around my house. So my three oldest, we've had the official sit down, explain
00:02:49
Speaker
the birds and the bees, all the things. And a couple of my other ones were still just prepping because they're still young. But my oldest daughter, when we explained things to her, she had way more questions than the boys, which kind of caught me off guard. But I was like, okay, this is good, you know, opening up communication, whatever. And so every now and again, she'll still just go, mom, I have another question about that, this and this and this, you know.
00:03:10
Speaker
And one of my favorite questions that she asked was this. She said, I'm just a little bit concerned about when I get married and sex. I said, why? What's the concern? She said, I'm just really nervous that I'm going to want to have babies and my husband is not going to want to do that thing.
00:03:29
Speaker
just caught me so off guard, I thought, oh, well, that's a cute concern, but I don't think it's going to be something you're going to have to worry about, honey. But what if, mom, I said, well, you can cross that road when you come to it. Have your kids say anything funny to you regarding it, Audrey? Oh, yeah, we get lots of good questions.
00:03:55
Speaker
Maybe I'll share one later after we each share how we how we give our kids the talk or how we go about it. Maybe I'll share one at that point. OK, sounds good.
Structuring the Conversation
00:04:07
Speaker
So today we're going to cover this topic in four separate parts. Number one, beginning with why do we have this important talk with our kids and what are we trying to accomplish? OK, number two, age appropriate conversations and what do we tell them and when do we tell it to them?
00:04:23
Speaker
and how do we tell it to them? Right, talking to an eight year old is a little bit different than the 14 year old, right? Or the four year old. That too. Okay, so number three is how to have this important talk with your kids. And number four is how this relates specifically to them, which includes puberty and changing bodies and periods for girls and all that. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so to start with number one, we're gonna talk about why it's important to have this talk about sex with kids.
00:04:51
Speaker
I mean, eventually they figured out on their own, right? I mean, most of us did, whether we got a good talk or not, eventually, you know, between biology and, you know, gym class and all your kids, your friends dirty jokes or whatever. So what's the point? Yeah, right. I read, I was reading about some cultures that it's not standard for them to have the talk and the cultures continue. I mean, they figure out what to do.
00:05:17
Speaker
Yeah, right. They don't die out. Right. So one thing we think about is what we hope to accomplish by having to talk with our kids since they would eventually figure out how it works themselves. So what do we hope to accomplish? And one thing we want to accomplish by having this talk with our kids is to help them have healthy
00:05:38
Speaker
future relationships. And I think that we can present this information in such a way that would hinder future relationships for them. And also, I think tied up in that is there's some body image issues that could be introduced at this point, or some body positivity or healthy body image that could be just become the standard at this point, depending on how we handle the talk with our kids.
00:06:06
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's totally true. I'm sure most of us wish things were done just a little bit differently when we were kids, probably regardless of how you were raised. And so this is our chance to do it the way we think we should have been done with us. Another reason that we are doing this with our children is that we open up lines for honest communication and unembarrassed communication. No shame, right?
00:06:29
Speaker
This has been a difficult one for me because it was not a popular talking point in my house growing up. I think that's probably common for most people, at least of our generation. And so when my kids start asking questions, it takes real concentration for me to sit there with a totally neutral face or a smile and nod and say, uh-huh, that's an interesting concern while inside I'm like dying that they just asked me that.
00:06:53
Speaker
But they
Sharing Family Values
00:06:54
Speaker
don't know to be embarrassed unless we teach it to them, or friends will. But we can actually combat that by staying totally neutral and totally positive about it and say, that's really interesting. That's an interesting question you brought up. And along those lines, I think it's also important to realize we don't have to have every answer for them right when they ask. You can say, I never thought about it like that. Let me get back to you on that. And then you can have a minute to think it through and think, wow, how do I answer that one in a very age-appropriate, positive way.
00:07:23
Speaker
Right, right. Two things I can add to that is that I think our generation was raised by a generation where there was a stigma or a shame attached to sex or to the talk or all that. And so that was kind of communicated to us. And that's kind of maybe what we're trying not to pass on to our kids. And then we want our kids to feel
00:07:46
Speaker
open to come to us and talk to us about it. Because if they're not coming to us to talk about it, then they're going to go to friends or Google or, you know, lots of places that aren't as safe for them to be exploring this topic as we are. So it's super important for us in our generation and with our technology to keep
00:08:07
Speaker
keep in a condition where our kids can come to us with their questions. So we also want to, by having the talk with our kids, in doing this, we also want to relate our values and ideas and expectations for them while they live in our home. So, you know, if you're in a Christian,
00:08:26
Speaker
family. Probably one thing you want to get across is that this is how it works, but we would like you to choose to save this as a sacred thing for after marriage with your life partner, for example.
00:08:43
Speaker
you know, maybe you have different values and you want to relate something different to your kids. But that is one reason we have to talk with our kids is to relay certain types of information to them with our values attached to it. Otherwise, we would just let them figure it out themselves, right?
00:08:58
Speaker
Yeah, for us, those family values are so important and I am not willing to leave it up to chance to see what they figure out on their own. I want to let them know that this is really important to us and this is what we expect from you. And they are always going to have their own choice, obviously, but what they learn at home is by and large what they tend to follow as they get older, you know? Yes, absolutely.
00:09:22
Speaker
We also, along these lines, we want to control exactly what our children hear about sex and how much. And we want them to learn the truth versus rumors. So I'll just give my own example. My mom tells me that we had the talk when I was young. I don't remember much about it. I have a terrible memory. Let's just preface that there.
00:09:39
Speaker
But I do remember for years trying to figure out more about it and just being horrified at the thought of asking a parent. So I would really listen up in biology and like listen to what my friends were saying, but I was too embarrassed to ask my friends too. So it was just kind of pieced together over the years and it was not the best and most wholesome education. But that's what we're trying to avoid with our kids, right?
Countering Misinformation
00:10:01
Speaker
Right. I remember at a summer camp, a friend and or just after, you know, at night that people would tell jokes and the jokes would have a sexual connotation or they would be outright sexual or, you know, jokes about a mommy and daddy. And I'd be like,
00:10:17
Speaker
Oh, some of this information is new and I didn't know this before. You're gleaning everything you can from every joke. Yeah, but I also didn't feel like I could talk to my parents about it. Like I said, from our generation, there was a lot of shame and negativity around the topic when it was talked about.
00:10:38
Speaker
We do try to do this in a very open and positive way, so our kids feel free to come to us again with any questions. You and I didn't have the internet when we were learning about this topic, but our kids do, and that is really an unsafe place to learn about it. Absolutely. I'm telling my kids all the time, please don't Google things. Please just ask me. If you need to look something up, we will do it together.
00:11:03
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And along the lines of shame and negativity around the topic, we need to make sure that we're not passing on whatever issues we may have picked up along the way, right? So embarrassment we talked about, shame we talked about. And it's difficult because for those of us that have really conservative values, we might
00:11:23
Speaker
want to be very picky about how we talk about sex and when and where. But the important thing is to give them knowledge along with your set of standards, right? So for example, one thing that I experienced a lot as a child was if we heard anything, any innuendo or whatever on TV, that immediately the show was shut down and we don't listen to that kind of thing.
00:11:48
Speaker
which is fine, you don't want your kid listening to dirty jokes all the time, but I then came to associate sex in general with that negativity and that shame instead of saying, oh, that's something sacred, we're not gonna laugh about, right? Instead of keeping it positive and light, it's really easy
Handling Curiosity Safely
00:12:04
Speaker
to drag it into that shame side of things and that's where we do some damage sometimes. So just to really stay positive and upbeat about it.
00:12:14
Speaker
Right, exactly. And I think this is what we talked about earlier, like just a little bit about talking about healthy relationships in relation to this. Like, so if sex is a very negative, shameful, embarrassing topic before we're married,
00:12:34
Speaker
How can it be a healthy, positive, pleasurable topic or event after we're married, like just suddenly because we've said some vows, the switch has flipped? Or could some of that, does some of that, negativity and shame, embarrassment, all that, does that come with us into the relationship and make the relationship more difficult? I think for me, I've experienced some of that.
00:13:03
Speaker
Oh yeah, absolutely. I totally agree with that. Yeah, that's absolutely true. And those healthy relationships are what we want all our kids to end up with, right? An interesting fact is that many conservative parents don't want to talk a lot about sex with their children or especially talk positively about it because they think they might stir up some curiosity.
00:13:26
Speaker
or get their kid a little too interested and then they don't end up staying chased or whatever the parent's code of conduct is. But in fact, the research has shown it's the exact opposite that the kids that don't get talked to and the kids that have shame or embarrassment around it tend to be more sexually promiscuous because they're curious and they want to know. And our bodies are naturally going to
00:13:49
Speaker
teach us about sex, whether we like it or not, because we're these sexual beings that are designed to procreate, you know. And so if we don't give it to our kids early on in a positive, uplifting environment, they're going to seek it out somewhere else. And it's not going to be positive, uplifting, that's for sure. Yeah, that's a fascinating, that's a fascinating study to show that because if sex is presented in a very positive way and as a sacred thing,
00:14:16
Speaker
I think that it can be upheld as something to be, you know, in a positive light, looked forward to in the appropriate situation and it can be like none of the negativity has to go with it. Right, right.
00:14:33
Speaker
Well, and on the opposite side of that, okay, so let's say that your standards aren't the same or you do have a kid that doesn't follow through with that and ends up being promiscuous as a teenager. How is that gonna make them feel if there's been nothing but shame and negativity surrounding it for years? You want them to always feel comfortable coming to you and if they are gonna have sex young to talk about it and to be practicing safe sex and to be able to come to you and acknowledge that things didn't go the way you wanted them to, but this is where they are, right?
00:15:02
Speaker
Yeah, that is absolutely true. Like future relationships between yourself and your child are determined somewhat by how you handle this conversation. Yeah, for sure.
00:15:14
Speaker
Okay, moving on to number two, age appropriate conversations, because whether we like it or not, our kids are sexualized at a very young age due to the internet, but also billboards and magazines and other kids who have been sexualized at a very young age, even you and I homeschool, so they don't get sex ed in school, which I hear is starting at younger and younger grades.
00:15:41
Speaker
But they are around kids who do get that information a lot younger. So we have to talk to our kids about, have some conversations with our kids, maybe younger than we would like to, and what is appropriate for what ages.
00:15:54
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. I've been kind of bitter about this in recent years because I feel like the world has created such an environment that I have to talk with my children at an extremely young age about the dangers of pornography, of sexual abuse, of predators, of these things that my three and four-year-olds should not need to know about. But I have to teach them in order to keep them safe. And so what it does do is it opens up the dialogue early, right? And you can talk about these things early, hopefully, and positively.
00:16:23
Speaker
And then when they are mature enough to get the actual talk about sex and how it relates
Introducing 'The Talk' to Kids
00:16:27
Speaker
to them and their own bodies, then they've already been prepared. Sure. And if you have been talking about it for years, it's not an awkward conversation because you've already been talking about it for years. Yeah, exactly. One of the most important things to talk about to those younger kids, maybe even the most important is the difference between safe and unsafe touching or appropriate or inappropriate touching.
00:16:48
Speaker
and kids as young as three or four who know their body parts can understand this. And to talk about things like
00:16:56
Speaker
mom and dad touch your bum when we need to clean you off. Grandma sometimes helps with this. Sometimes the babysitter does. Is this okay? Is a neighbor okay? Is the doctor okay? If mom's there, etc. So you can come up with your own rules for that, but we do have some resources towards the end that can help you out with that as well. It can be a tricky thing and it's often something that parents do not want to approach because
00:17:20
Speaker
That means that we're all of a sudden thinking about the potential of our children being sexually molested and nobody wants to think about that. But the fact of the matter is it's happening and it's happening to kids everywhere and it's happening to kids via people that they know and trust. And so if our kids aren't prepared, they stand a chance of being a victim.
00:17:40
Speaker
Yeah, that's very sad but true. And we do protect our kids when we're with them and we have instincts when we're with our kids about who's safe and who's not safe. But our kids go into, especially, you know, of course, kids that are public school, but our kids, they do go into situations and places where they're not with us. And so, and like you said, it usually is
00:18:05
Speaker
people who they know. It's pretty rare that a kid would be molested by somebody they'd never seen before. It usually is someone who has cultivated them, as sad as that is. Okay, so the actual talk though, what age do you think is appropriate for having the actual talk?
00:18:25
Speaker
What's been nice for our family is that I've been pregnant for so many years that we're naturally talking about babies and pregnancy and all these things. So my kids, it's not like any of the talks come out of nowhere. Most of the time they'd ask questions before they're ready for it anyway, like, well, how does the baby get in there? That sort of thing. But generally at our house, we do it right around age eight. That's when we sit down and explain the whole thing.
00:18:50
Speaker
Um, and, uh, and then that kind of leads into, and in the next few years you'll hit puberty and that's what happens then. So generally about age eight for us. How about you? Um, it's yeah, it's about the same for us. Um, a little bit different because we do have farm animals. And so, um, I guess this is going into part three here, but farm animals, it brings the talk into everyday reality. Like sex is just, we have goats and cows and dairy.
00:19:20
Speaker
No, and they have like they have a lactation cycle, you know, which doesn't continue without breeding. So new life going into them and coming out of them and then you get milk and we raise rabbits for meat. So all that, it's just kind of a natural part of farm life. And so kids know the basic functions of how it works from a very
00:19:40
Speaker
young age. I mean, as soon as they're out helping do chores, so four or five, and they see that. But it doesn't, all that doesn't include humans, of course, and it doesn't include our values or our thoughts on the topic. So if I feel like our kids don't have
00:19:59
Speaker
an inclination of how it works for humans. Then, you know, around eight or ten, we kind of introduced the idea of, did you have any questions about, you know, what it's like for humans or, you know, that humans are the same thing. But again, for us and our family,
00:20:16
Speaker
It's been, you know, mom's been having a baby for quite a while. And then also having older kids and younger kids, you know, our family's quite spread out. I know that a couple times teenagers have come to me and say, hey, did you know that so-and-so younger kid has asked me a couple questions and maybe you need to talk to them a little bit about this.
00:20:39
Speaker
Well, that's neat though, that your younger kids feel like, at least they have a sibling they can go to. And they feel, you know, there's enough trust there to ask some questions. They might feel a little bit awkward about asking you. Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah. Okay. So that leads us into part three, which is having the talk. And we're going to explain just a little bit about how we do this. So in our family, we've tried a few things. Again, we've only done it with three kids, because those are the only ones that are over eight right now.
00:21:05
Speaker
But generally, I try to make it a pretty relaxed environment and I try to do it when we're engaged in something else. So on a car ride or if we go out and have some ice cream or we're shopping or something, where it's a relatively private situation, not in the middle of a crowded food court or something.
00:21:23
Speaker
But also, if it does make my kid feel awkward, he can look away and not feel like I'm sitting there staring at him in the eyes. Because you just never know, each kid reacts so differently. Like I said, my boys have been a little on the standoffish side and just kind of go, oh, that's weird.
00:21:38
Speaker
And my daughter was just all in. Oh, really? Okay, that's interesting. What about this? What about this? So to just be prepared to sit and listen and answer questions if you need to, but also to not make it too intense for the first time. It should just be an opening of communication and not like a one and done deal.
00:21:58
Speaker
Right. Absolutely. And so because for us, because it's kind of a natural part and they see it happening and ongoing, then, um, then, um, like every once in a while they'll have, they'll have a question. So like, we'll be out and, um, we'll have, you know, maybe just put the female rabbits in to visit their husbands. And then they go back and I remember one time, okay, so here's my hammer segment. I remember one time, um, I don't remember which kid it was. Good thing for them. Cause I know they listened to this podcast.
00:22:29
Speaker
But one of them said to me, so mom, I hope it's okay to ask you this, but like, does dad jump on you the way that the boy rabbit jumps on the girl? Like, I hope not. You're not a very big person, Audrey.
00:22:49
Speaker
Because the rabbits can be a little bit rough about it. But that's the point where you don't laugh and you don't ridicule them for it. And you don't belittle them or make fun of them. You can laugh violently when you tell your husband.
00:23:08
Speaker
And to really appreciate their innocence and you say, that's an excellent question. Sometimes the animals act a little bit like animals, right? They're wild and crazy. And then that brings it up an important part. When talking about sex with our kids, it's very important that we don't leave out the emotional aspect.
00:23:23
Speaker
And sometimes with younger kids, they might not be ready for that, but I love talking to my kids about how it's a huge part of connecting with my husband. And obviously it's up to you how much you share, but I think it's really valuable that they realize it's not just this purely physical thing, like with animals, that it keeps us connected emotionally, it helps us show love to each other, and that it's this wonderful thing to look forward to.
00:23:50
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. I know that with my teenage daughters, I've let them read some of the marriage help books that I've read. And just to get them the perspective on how different it is for humans than animals. Yeah, I wanted to share how we've opened the conversation with a few of our kids. I think that that's really awesome that you guys have the farm life to open things up. And actually, the first time I talked with my oldest, it had to do with chickens as well.
00:24:18
Speaker
He had actually asked, how come some eggs are eggs and some eggs are baby chicks? And I was like, that's a good question. And we actually looked it up together. We looked up the life cycle and we looked up how they copulate and all the things, which I did not know myself because I'd never had chickens. And it was a really great experience. It was a part biology lesson and part
00:24:39
Speaker
having, starting the talk. And I also feel like it's important to say that we don't need to offload all the information at once. Sometimes, like we said, just a five minute quick little conversation about something that they're asking questions about is perfect. And then maybe in another couple of months you say, hey, remember when we were talking about that? Or another topic comes up, we can say, yeah, that's related to what we were talking about with the chickens, remember? Humans do that too, but there's a little bit more of an emotional aspect, et cetera.
00:25:06
Speaker
And then that can lead
Discussing Puberty and Body Positivity
00:25:07
Speaker
us into talking about puberty. Like I said, pregnancy is a great way to open things up. In fact, if you've ever been pregnant, you've probably had a toddler ask you, how did the baby get in there? Or something equally awkward that you don't know how to answer to a three-year-old. But again, that also applies to three-year-olds. Don't feel like you have to spill all the beans at once. You can just say, oh, Daddy, help me get it in there. Moving on. And usually that's just enough for them.
00:25:34
Speaker
Right, exactly. I think that for us, this whole sexual knowledge has been a journey. We didn't get it all at once. We certainly didn't get it when our parents gave us the talk. But obviously, some of what you and I are saying is that we have learned and we have read books and we have grown and we have changed. And so giving them all the knowledge at once, it wouldn't even be helpful to them.
00:26:00
Speaker
So that moves us on to part four, which is how does having this talk with them affect them now and in the future? Right. So for them, the next, the way that this is going to affect them first is puberty. That's the beginning of their sexual journey when their bodies start changing and they start maybe experiencing some of these sexual feelings or thoughts.
00:26:26
Speaker
And anyway, their physically changing bodies can be scarier, scary without prior knowledge. Right, exactly. Something that my husband has taught me about teaching the puberty aspect to our kids that I've really appreciated is to make sure that you do it with just a little bit of humor. So like you say, it can be a little bit scary. And this was also a really freaky thing to talk to my parents about. My mom, let's be honest, my dad and I never talked about any of this.
00:26:52
Speaker
You know, for example, my husband will joke with my boys, well, when you're a man like me, you'll get some armpit hair, and then you'll know you're really a man. And we all kind of laugh. But it prepares them, they know what's coming, and they know not to be embarrassed about it. They know that it's just a fact of life. And soon I'll look like my dad, and the girls will look like mom, and that's totally okay. And so I've really appreciated that insight that it's okay to joke a little bit about it.
00:27:18
Speaker
helps keep things like. Yeah. My husband's really good about having humor too in the changing body thing. But you know, like when their voices start to change, you know, give it enough teasing to make it fun, but not embarrassing. Exactly. Exactly. Same thing with a developing girl figure. Yes. Yes. And that's a tricky one, especially for moms. I think it's just, it's hard for us to watch our girls grow up. I think at least for me, more so than my boys. I don't know why it's just like, Oh,
00:27:47
Speaker
Oh no, no, I'm not waiting for this. But that brings us into specifically talking to girls about puberty. That's a big one because number one, our society sexualizes women's bodies about a thousand times more than men's. And so I think maybe that's why it is harder on parents to see their girls grow up because all of a sudden we see maybe what strange men might see that your daughter's developing breasts and hips and all of a sudden you're afraid for her future and you want to protect her, right?
00:28:17
Speaker
and sharing information about menstruation and the potential to get pregnant, all those things, they're really loaded topics. But one thing we did want to mention regarding this aspect is whatever we share with the girls, we should also share with the boys. So I think it's really important that the boys understand what's happening to the girls and the girls understand what's happening to the boys, just like a biology lesson, because then they're prepared
00:28:42
Speaker
for their own future and their own relationships. They know what's happening and they know what their responsibility is in that role. Anyway, I just really liked the idea of making sure that both parties know what happens to the other one.
00:28:56
Speaker
Yes, exactly. We use a book. There's a specific book that we use, and we'll link it in the show notes that we give to our girls to help them understand the whole thing, the whole process, their bodies and what happens physically and how they're going to feel and all that, that they can kind of read through. And it is kind of like we can read the book together with them or we hand them the book.
00:29:21
Speaker
We let our boys read the book too. But one thing we introduce at this stage when we talk about girls in periods is we try to introduce some body positivity. How, why your breasts develop and why, you know, you start having a period and it's for the, the whole purpose is for childbearing. It's not, it's not a, it's not a,
00:29:50
Speaker
Well, how do I say that? It is kind of a sexual thing because it involves, I mean, that's how life happens, but that's not the sole purpose. It's childbearing is the purpose. So there's a dual purpose, I guess you might say, but giving boys this information too. And then we try to also introduce a measure of respect into our boys. Like your sisters, they are tender.
00:30:17
Speaker
in their chest area. So you can't be as rough with them. They're not going to play tackle football with you anymore because they're, they're kind of tender there. And, and that's so that, you know, their bodies are changing and developing so that someday they can bear children and you need to respect them for that because that's a way that your body doesn't change. And like you can't ever bear a child and nurse, nourish it, nurse it with your breasts. And so that's something that you really need to respect in your sisters.
00:30:43
Speaker
Yeah, I really like that. It just helps both parties grow up with a better appreciation of what their bodies are made to do and how they need each other for it, right? And I like that you said that really sex is related to...
00:30:58
Speaker
every aspect of our bodies and who we are. And so trying to deny that ends up just kind of coming back at us, right? The trick is to do to do so healthily. And I think in our society nowadays, they really like to separate sex from
00:31:13
Speaker
families, right? Sex is all about pleasure and my own personal pleasure and not worrying about anybody else or the consequences or anything else. And I don't want my kids to grow up with that attitude. I want them to grow up to realize that their bodies are amazing, miraculous things that they are designed to
00:31:29
Speaker
create babies together with a with another person that they love and it is a miracle and it's wonderful and it's to be used in specific Circumstances right when they're ready for the for the consequences that come and and by separating those things that the child bearing from the sex I think really Can end up with some causing some harm
00:31:52
Speaker
Yes, exactly. And then moving on to boys and their development. This isn't quite as dramatic change as a girl getting her period because it kind of seems to come slower. You know, their voice, they don't wake up one morning and have their voice suddenly change like a girl wakes up one morning with her period.
00:32:13
Speaker
or you know in one day gets her period but boys they they develop slower but still it's we introduce it this you know we talk about it in the same way why their bodies are changing and developing so it is for the purpose of child
00:32:28
Speaker
not childbearing, but child procreation. And that they're changing and developing too and becoming a man. And my husband's really good at being an example of what a man is and what it should be and something that they look forward to, my boys. But then we also like to give that information to the girls too. Like, you know, your brother is changing in ways he's getting hair on his chest and
00:32:54
Speaker
You won't. Maybe. Hopefully. Oh dear. Are we gonna offend somebody if we don't edit that out? Maybe just say more a little less. Yes, somebody's gonna say, I could still be a woman with hair on my chest. Whatever.
00:33:19
Speaker
Anyway, and we teach our daughters, we teach our daughters to respect the ways that their brothers are developing into men too. Yeah, yeah, I love that.
00:33:28
Speaker
I think lastly, the most important thing is that when we talk about sex with our kids, we're teaching them respect, we're teaching them kindness, we're teaching them on, we're teaching them love for their bodies and the bodies of those around them before the world can poison them. And the world does that in
Linking Sex and Procreation
00:33:45
Speaker
so many ways. And like we said, teaching pleasure over unselfishness, in teaching that sex is the most important thing.
00:33:54
Speaker
And so being able to instill that beauty and that love for bodies and our kids first thing is a great privilege. It really is. Yeah. I loved what you said about the connection between sex and child
00:34:13
Speaker
childbearing procreation because I think it's a very intentional, targeted separation of them in the news and in the culture that we live in today. So if we can
Recommended Resources and Final Tips
00:34:25
Speaker
make a very strong connection for those two, between those two for our kids, I think we're setting them on the right track really. Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yeah, so we're going to wrap up with our recommendations for this week. I recently
00:34:39
Speaker
got the books, good pictures, bad pictures. And this isn't specifically sex related, but more about pornography. And you may have heard of these books before. I'd heard of them for years. Lots of my friends have used them. And I love them for starting the conversation, especially really young about protecting our kids sexually. They have both a junior version, which I think is for kids
00:35:03
Speaker
four to seven, somewhere around there. And then the regular version is for kids about seven to 11. And it is just so well done. It talks to them about how their bodies think and feel and that if you see a bad picture, specifically pornography, that you might feel good feelings or you might feel ashamed, but this is what to do. And this is how to protect yourself. And anyway, highly recommend both of those books for your kids.
00:35:24
Speaker
Okay, and my recommendations are two books that I talked about previously that we share with our daughters to help them get to know about their bodies better and about what happens to them as they go through puberty. The first one is called The Care and Keeping of You, the body book for younger girls. And the second one is called The Care and Keeping of You 2, the body book for older girls. So you can look at the age requirements on those. We have those linked in the show notes and see which one might be better for your daughters.
00:35:52
Speaker
Again, my daughters just found this really helpful, informative, almost scientific way to look at their bodies and what was happening. Okay, so that's it for this week on the topic of having the talk with your kids. Good luck, and it's a very positive thing that you are doing for your kids when you have the talk. And even if you're uncomfortable with it, try not to pass that discomfort on to them.
00:36:17
Speaker
but make it an open conversation that they can come to you and talk about. Yeah, I think it'll pay off. Thanks for listening. Thanks so much for listening to Outnumbered the Podcast. You can contact us at outnumberedthepodcastatgmail.com and find us on Instagram at Outnumbered the Podcast. We're so grateful for our listeners and would love it if you'd take the time to leave us an honest review on iTunes, Stitcher, or any other podcast platform. And don't forget to share the podcast with your mom friends. Can't wait to talk next time. Bye.
00:36:54
Speaker
I hope my husband doesn't kill me. I know, it's like my mother's going to live with me. I know, but you know what? He's the one who pointed that out to me, actually. For some reason, it's so much harder for girls than it is for boys. I don't know what the deal is. My husband didn't have issues, but I certainly did. I know.