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59. Turning Pain Into Purpose- With Victoria Moore
72 Plays4 years ago
Victoria Moore became a widow in May 2019, after losing her husband Marcus to suicide. She never expected to be a widow at 37 and raise her 7 and 9 year old children on her own. Grieving the death of her husband was hard, but even harder was telling the children that their dad had died. In that moment she had to make a decision; Her children had lost their dad to suicide and she could not let them lose their mom to grief, so she had to set an example of how to grieve in a healthy way. She made a decision to turn her pain into purpose, and help others who were going through a similar journey. By harnessing her extensive background in yoga, mindfulness, NLP, Hypnotherapy, and an array of other mind/body modalities, she has turned her pain into a purpose by educating others on the importance of living happier and healthier.
Contact Victoria Moore: https://yogimami.com/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a host or for discovery call or coaching session: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Music: https://rinaldisound.com/
Logo: https://pamelawinningham.com/
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
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Transcript
Impact of Loss and Personal Growth
00:00:01
Speaker
obviously losing my husband and everything is just been so just such a hard thing to deal with in life. Nothing that I ever thought that I would experience. But with that, I feel like I'm to the point to where I'm noticing how far I've come on this journey and all the growth that I've learned. I'm grateful for the perspective that it's given me on what's important in life and what to focus on
00:00:30
Speaker
and how really at the end of the day, you know, the only thing that we're guaranteed is that we're going to pass along from this life. So we have to make the most out of every moment and find joy in even the darkest situations, which a lot of times it's hard to do.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:48
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:56
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:12
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:36
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode.
Victoria Moore's Background and Journey
00:01:38
Speaker
I am excited to be chatting today with Victoria Moore, who is the founder of Yogi Mami. Am I saying it? I want to say Mami because I speak Spanish. Yeah, that's exactly how you say it. It is? Mami? Okay. Do you speak Spanish, Victoria? No, I don't. I'm Portuguese and Italian, so. Oh, so do I. Okay, okay. I'm Italian. My Rinaldi is my last name. I know Rinaldi. It's my grandfather's last name.
00:02:04
Speaker
I'm Colombian and Italian background, so nice to meet you. We're here chatting. We were chatting right before we started to record just briefly, and then we're like, let's just hop on in this. Let's just start recording. Let's not waste any time. Time is too valuable.
00:02:21
Speaker
So we're going to be chatting a little bit. You're going to share about your husband, your life and what it was, what happened and what it is now and everything that's come. So tell us a little bit about yourself and we'll go from there.
00:02:37
Speaker
All right, so my name is Victoria Moore. I am a homeschooling mom of two. I've been homeschooling for about seven years before everybody else was kind of forced to do it. You are a real homeschooler. You're not like us that pretend that we're home. No, ours, we have the teachers do that stuff. You really are the one preparing everything. You're a real homeschooler. Yes.
00:02:58
Speaker
So I've been doing this for about seven years. So luckily for me, it hasn't been too big of a disruption in our life, which is good because prior to all this, I became a widow in May of 2019.
Coping with Loss and Grieving Healthily
00:03:15
Speaker
I lost my husband to suicide. He has struggled with depression and he took his life. And so that was completely out of the blue, completely unexpected. And it was hard to deal with. I never expected to be a widow at 37 years old with two young children. And so one would think that... I won't really at that time. Seven and nine.
00:03:44
Speaker
They were little babies. They were so young. It's so recent. And I didn't realize that it had been so recent, Victoria, when we were chatting just before. It's just not even been two years. Yeah, I know. It's been just short of two years, 21 months on the 23rd of this month. So yeah, you would think that the hardest thing was losing my husband. And that was definitely number two. Number one, how to have been telling my kids that they're dad passed.
00:04:15
Speaker
That was very very hard and I don't think there's nothing that can really prepare you for that and so for me in that moment I Had to make a decision that my children my babies had already lost their dad to grief I mean it had already lost their dad to suicide and I couldn't let them lose their mom to grief and
00:04:38
Speaker
So at that moment, I knew that it was important to set an example to them to how to grieve in a healthy way. I wanted to turn my pain into a purpose and use what I could to help others who are in similar situations because in that moment, it was like my whole world just crumbled.
00:05:03
Speaker
And I didn't really know anybody who had gone through what I had gone through.
00:05:10
Speaker
And so prior to all this, I had actually been working from home when I was homeschooling my children.
Blogging and Brand Evolution
00:05:17
Speaker
I had started a blog years ago when I was pregnant with my first daughter. And I would share with people just tips and tricks for how to live, you know, healthier and happier. And so I was very comfortable sharing with people. I had grown an audience. And so I felt very comfortable sharing, hosting workshops, writing
00:05:36
Speaker
articles and blogs and things like that. And so I knew that I wanted to use my prior experience with my grief to share with others.
00:05:46
Speaker
Now, was this Yogi Mami, was it your website Yogi Mami that you used to share this prior? So this has existed prior to your husband's passing? Yes, so it did. So I'm currently in the process of now that I'm trying to do more grief stuff, I'm kind of trying to branch off and do more grief related to while keeping the Yogi Mami because I still, you know, I'm passionate about living healthier and happier, but I want to have something more grief related to but I don't want them to
00:06:13
Speaker
I don't want to overlap and push too much grief stuff on people that aren't grieving. Yeah. I really feel like, I mean, I do still post stuff on there because I think it's important for non-grivers to have an understanding and learn some things because, you know, they will grieve at one point or another.
Diverse Grief Experiences
00:06:31
Speaker
Exactly. It's going to kick me off hard. Yes. I actually feel everybody's grieved at some point in their life. Different types of grief. Not everything is death related when we grieve, but everybody's grieved at some point in their life. And if they haven't, they will.
00:06:49
Speaker
being able to have those tools and have those conversations is beneficial. But like you're saying, you're going to create maybe just another page, another landing page to be more geared towards the grief as well. So that you are an entrepreneur as well.
00:07:06
Speaker
You're in the health and wellness space like I am as well as I just noticed in your thing. So you're an entrepreneur as well as a yogi. You have your health and wellness products and you're also now also you support, you coach as well and create workshops. Yes. Correct.
00:07:24
Speaker
so everything that I had learned before really has helped me and my children so much on my healing journey because Because I was so passionate about health and wellness I was certified in you know, yoga and meditation and I'm a Reiki master and hypnotherapy neuro-linguistic programming all of these like over 15 different certifications that really helped me to
00:07:50
Speaker
feel more emotionally balanced when I was, or I mean, I obviously I still am grieving. I'm going to grieve forever, but it has helped me so much. People are like, Oh my gosh, you know, how do you do it? You're so strong. And truly I know that it's all of these tools that I have, you know, been learning and getting educated in over the past decade.
00:08:11
Speaker
And so that's what I love sharing with people. Now, which one of these tools do you feel? I'm sure they've each served us a purpose throughout this journey at different times. So in the immediate instance when you experienced your greet when he passed away, how do you like to express it? By the way, I always ask this to my listeners.
00:08:33
Speaker
What kind of words would you like me to, when he died, when he passed away, when he took his life, what would you like us to say? Um, either, either is fine. The other, all fine with me. So either one. Okay.
Coping Mechanisms and Honesty with Children
00:08:43
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. So, um, after, after his death, what was your husband's name, by the way? Marcus. After Marcus, um, after Marcus died, what were some of the immediate tools you used at that moment?
00:08:58
Speaker
Well, I mean honestly at that moment when I was having to tell my children and I was having to answer questions to the police and I was I mean it was literally, you know 20 minutes after he had passed I went straight for my essential oils
00:09:12
Speaker
I rub those on me because I've done so much work with them just to smell the muscle memory from all the different work that I've done with it just completely grounded me and calmed me immediately. It was something that I could easily do without having to sit down and find 10-15 minutes for meditation or
00:09:29
Speaker
I couldn't sit down and journal right then. I couldn't really do anything because like I said, I mean, I was in a complete fog. My children are asking me questions. These policemen are asking me questions. I'm just looking around at my house being like, is this real life? Is this a dream? And so, yeah, my first thing was I just read the central oils because it was, you know, the it affects the olfactory part of your brain, which is like the powerhouse of emotions. And so it was the quickest
00:09:55
Speaker
thing to kind of elicit a calming response so that I could get grounded and actually answer these questions without completely, you know, breaking down and crying. Yeah. Did you use them on your children too as well? Like was it something? I did. Yeah. Yeah. I rep some on them and then I made a quick roll on and then I gave it to my dad and said, you know, take them to your house. You need to get them out of here.
00:10:18
Speaker
So that when you could deal with like the immediate business, I call it around, that's the thing that people don't realize how much I'm air quoting, you know, doing air quotes here, but there's so many like logistical things that happen when somebody dies. And in this particular case, even more because you had other factors to take into place. So what kind of words did you use then?
00:10:47
Speaker
at that particular moment to let the kids know that their dad had died and then how did you kind of navigate your own grief and at the same time theirs.
00:11:00
Speaker
Um, honestly, it's kind of hard to remember. Cause like I said, it was such a fog at the time. I mean, I was very honest with them. Um, so basically they had, they were asleep when it happened. Um, and then they had woken up with all, you know, the police and the ambulance and everything. And they had originally thought that they were there for like a neighbor. Cause we had a neighbor, an elderly neighbor who the paramedics would come quite often. Yeah. So when I came in the house, they were like, Oh my gosh, you know, they're here for the neighbor.
00:11:31
Speaker
And I just had to look at them and I said, no, they're here for your dad. And they were like, what? And I just had to say, yeah, you know, your dad's dad.
00:11:41
Speaker
I couldn't really go into much more details at that point with them because I didn't know What was the right thing to say because they were so little? You know, I wanted to be honest with them, but I didn't know if that was the right thing to be honest with them I was I did end up telling them actually that day, you know the truth because for me I felt like that was the right thing to do they were I
00:12:03
Speaker
Even though they were young, my children are very emotionally mature. Yeah. And I mean, he had struggled. His suicide didn't come, I guess, completely out of shock because he had struggled with depression. I guess it just was a shock because you never really think that that's going to happen. So they had kind of known that he was sick and, you know, I just had to tell them, you know,
00:12:25
Speaker
his his brain was sick and you know it's sad it's unfortunate but i had to be honest with him because i didn't want it to be when they get older they were upset that they didn't know the truth
00:12:37
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. No, it's those split second decisions, right? That you never really know like, which way should I go in this particular moment? And in that moment, honestly, whatever somebody decides to do, that's the right thing to do because that's the only thing you know in that moment. So even if you choose to maybe not say the truth in that moment, that's the best you knew to do in that particular instance. And that's fine.
00:12:59
Speaker
and everybody just makes the choice based on their own circumstances, their own ability to kind of even handle that themselves as to what they'd say to their kids. Absolutely. Like I said, there's no handbook in how to do it.
00:13:15
Speaker
Yeah. And even if there were, it was either way. Yeah. I know everyone's saying, we're like, wait a minute, even if there were, it's like, I always say that even like kids, when my kids were little, I'm like, wait, I would post things on Facebook. Like, I haven't found that in any manual that says like, what am I supposed to do with these particular circumstances? You know, like there's no manual. You know, you, you have these children and all of a sudden you're like, I don't even know what to do if X, Y, or Z happens. And even if there were a manual, like we're saying,
00:13:45
Speaker
that every person so unique, it wouldn't necessarily work. The instructions that may be on that manual would not be the ones that work for your dynamics. Exactly. They're like fingerprints, you know, everything's different for every single person.
00:14:01
Speaker
So different. And like what you said in terms of even how people are in awe then of your, have you been navigating then your grief journey? As you even said, it's because you have all these tools that have helped you then in this process, right? So you have the
Healing through NLP and Meditation
00:14:19
Speaker
You were able to, in that split second, grab your essential oils. You knew exactly which one to rub to help you focus or to help you calm down or to whatever you needed to do in that moment of survival mode. And then you knew to maybe do meditation yoga at certain other points. You knew Reiki, so you could kind of take that.
00:14:40
Speaker
With the NLP like how did you use neuro linguistic programming for yourself? Or did you use it more in the way that you would talk to your kids about it? How did did you did that play a part as well? It did so I would use it just in how I talked about my grief and my emotions in general as well as how I would talk to the kids Yeah, NLP is just really you know, kind of like like raising the words like your yeah your words and your beliefs and your thoughts and so just mixing all of that with
00:15:09
Speaker
Um, like with the meditation and hypnosis, I would start recording myself. Um, I had recorded actually albums on iTunes prior to this for one was like for birth because I did hypnobirth. I did both my natural. So I created like an album. I need to have you talk to me. My sister's a doula. She would like love to hear about the hypnobirthing or if she ever has a client that may, may need something like that. So cool.
00:15:35
Speaker
Yes. So yeah, so I had already recorded albums. So what I would do is I would go online and I would, I started recording albums for myself and I would put them on my phone and I would just listen to them at night when I would go to sleep. And so it would help me because especially when you become a widow and I think just grief in general, but obviously mine is coming from a widow's perspective. My sleep was a mess. My sleep was all over the place. I was lucky if I could sleep for an hour and a half at a time.
00:16:02
Speaker
The PTS nightmares were horrible. I was waking up like in sweats Just kind of like reliving the whole events of that morning And so the hypno meditations that I created were really helping me and so then I started thinking well wait I have two other Albums I created like if this is helping me like clearly it'll help other people and
00:16:23
Speaker
So I went in and like rerecorded them to be like a better quality. And then I actually released a Grief to Gratitude album, Hypnome album that's on iTunes. No wonder you're like, oh, this podcast about this, this resonates with me. When I saw your name, I was like, oh my gosh, it's meant to be.
00:16:44
Speaker
I'm so about signs. I am so on that wavelength with you, Victoria. I'm all like, oh my gosh, we were meant to be, we were meant to be BFFs because this happened and this happened. Oh, you know, life happens exactly how it's supposed to happen. How cool that, and so then when you released it, did you do it on Spotify or how did, or did you put it on your website? I think, yeah, I think it's on Spotify. It's on iTunes, Spotify, and Google Music.
00:17:11
Speaker
And how long is the recording? How long is it? You know what? Let me know. Let me check. I think there's like 16 different tracks. There's all different ones. So there's ones with like releasing grief. There's ones that are like affirmations. There's ones like connecting up the loved one.
00:17:30
Speaker
Make sure to send me this specific link of that to add also, aside from your website, just the specific link to that. So we could put it in the show notes and people can click on it and they can, um, they can be able to access that. That's wonderful. What a great resource. So, okay. So then you use that then for yourself, then in that process. Yeah. And then what other, yeah, go ahead. No, no, no.
00:18:00
Speaker
So yeah, so I I do this like I created the album and then I do just kind of like workshops or one-on-one sessions or even group sessions I'm doing I have 15 widows like a week from now. We just she actually just messaged me right before this And so yeah, I just love to share this with other people That are grieving because it's been so powerful for me
00:18:22
Speaker
Wonderful. And now, what has been then other ... You mentioned your dad. You said the kids went with your dad. You gave the roll-ons. What other community or things ... Where do you live, by the way? Where do I go? I'm in San Diego, California. You're in California.
00:18:40
Speaker
So do you have family nearby? What other resources did you have aside from all these tools of the things you had learned? Did you have that support of friends and family during this time? Yes, so I was very blessed. So we were actually we were supposed to be moving out of San Diego where I'm born and raised. We were supposed to be moving out a week.
00:19:01
Speaker
after my, or a week, yeah, a week after my husband passed. He passed a week before. Where were you going to move? Where were you going to move to? We were going to move up north, up by his parents. Um, and that was kind of, I guess, a contributing factor to his depression. I didn't realize how much he didn't want to move. Um, and so... More towards the LA area? More towards LA? Yeah. Central California, like kind of near Santa Barbara.
00:19:23
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Like Santa Barbara area. I used to live in California. I lived in California. I lived in LA for about eight years. Oh, okay. Yeah. So we just north of Ventura, basically. Okay. Okay.
00:19:34
Speaker
So we were going to move up there and then he took his life and we, I ended up staying here in San Diego because for me, I couldn't just leave with when all that happened. Um, so we were in the process of moving out of our house. So we, I had, you know, all my friends, friends from high school, their husbands, just, you know, neighbors, a bunch of people came over, helped me finish packing, helped me move everything into storage.
00:19:58
Speaker
and moved in with my parents for a few months to kind of just get myself situated and then we me and the kids moved about a mile from my parents house and yeah so we're very lucky we have a strong support system um i was very lucky in the sense that
00:20:19
Speaker
Somebody had mentioned to me, so I mentioned before that I had been blogging and stuff, so I had a really great online community. And one of my girlfriends who lost her, one of her twin sons in a home birth actually, she had been grieving. And so she had met with a bunch of people and she had a friend who was a widow. And so she mentioned to me, it was called Camp Widow.
Finding Support at Camp Widow
00:20:43
Speaker
And so I looked into it and what that is is it's kind of like a three or four day workshop type thing for widows. And it turns out it was in San Diego in my hometown about six weeks after my husband passed. So it was perfect for me because I didn't have to get a hotel or anything. And I went to that and it was such a great resource because they had
00:21:05
Speaker
Lots of just workshops of how to parent through grief and even dating after becoming a widow and finances, connecting with your loved ones, meditation, yoga. They had different like networking mixers to where you can meet other widows that had lost a spouse in a similar situation.
00:21:28
Speaker
And for me, it was so great because becoming a young widow, like I said, I didn't know anybody who was in my situation. And so like young widows are like unicorns. When when people meet me, you know, they're like, oh, are you divorced? I'm like, no, I'm widowed. And they're like, wait, what? But you're so young. And I'm like, well,
00:21:46
Speaker
unfortunately, you know, young people die too and leave young widows. And so for me, Camp Widow was awesome because I didn't feel so alone and isolated. You didn't feel like a unicorn or you were with the other unicorns. It was being around other people that understood what I was feeling and just the complex emotions and everything that comes with it. And so that to me was,
00:22:13
Speaker
So huge because I got to just meet with other people that understood it. And so even though most of them didn't live in San Diego, we still always keep in contact with each other. We check in on each other. We remember each other's, you know, like hard days, like when we lost our loved ones. And so we'll just kind of check in on each other or like on Valentine's Day, we'll all see each other like, you know, we love you because we know that you're not hearing it from
00:22:38
Speaker
Yes, that's so true. I know he's thinking about it. How was it for you then? Because you've only had one Valentine. This coming one will be your second one, your second Valentine's then. Those kind of dates and the first Christmas and the first or whatever holidays that you celebrate, how did you navigate those? And thank goodness you were with your parents, but how were some of those events and what did you do to honor Marcus's
00:23:07
Speaker
memory in those moments too so what I tried to do is like at Christmas time I tried to do some of our same traditions but I also tried to maybe eliminate one of the ones that I knew would be a little bit too difficult for us emotionally and try to create what
00:23:26
Speaker
things that brought him up much more into your mind? Yeah, so I tried to kind of focus on us creating kind of new family traditions without completely letting go of the old ones but just kind of having it to where
00:23:43
Speaker
He was there, we talked about him, but it wasn't so heavy. The main focus, like it was not like the full focus of that particular event type of thing? Correct. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So like, for example, the first one, the first Christmas, I said I was canceling Christmas and I was online looking for cruises or trips to Europe because I was just going to take my kids because I was just like, no, we're just not going to do Christmas this year.
00:24:08
Speaker
And my parents were like, you can't do that. So they ended up getting a cabin in Big Bear and me and my sisters and the whole family went. And so that was really fun. And that kind of took our mind off of it.
00:24:21
Speaker
And then like his birthday like last year would have been his 50th birthday so for that we went to his favorite restaurant and Invited like his family and his friends and we went and we celebrated and it was good, but it was sad But it was good and we were glad that we did it Valentine's Day. I don't really remember Valentine's Day last year. I don't think that one bothered me too much. I
00:24:43
Speaker
I think it depends also on what that day meant in you guys. Like, for example, my husband and I, but we don't do, Valentine's is not like, it's just another calendar day for us. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's how it was for us. Yeah. So I think that that's why maybe it's not that big a deal for you. Cause for us, it's like that. It's just kind of like, Oh, happy Valentine's. Like, and I, you know, and especially after we had kids, you know, even less, like, you know, it was like, I'll just buy them everybody chocolate or whatever. Like it's not like that big, big a deal in our home.
00:25:13
Speaker
So I think maybe that's why it didn't mean too much for you last year. I think I do remember getting a little bit bitter. When people were posting flowers and stuff, I'd be like, eh, that's stupid. I'd get off Facebook for the day or something. But other than that, I wasn't a sobbing mess. I think I was just bitter.
00:25:33
Speaker
That's the thing, and that's the complexity of grief is that, that the emotions are not just always just sad. It's not always just sadness, as you said. It could be bitterness. It could be anger. It could be resentment. It could be, gosh, what other emotions can you
Understanding Depression and Mental Health Challenges
00:25:49
Speaker
think of? Oh, well, and then with suicide comes with even the shame and the guilt, and you know what I'm saying, thinking, what could I have done differently?
00:25:57
Speaker
Now, did you mention, I'm curious because my friend says that she can almost always know when somebody posts on Facebook, if it has been by suicide, just because of how it is. How did you share that announcement on social media? What words did you use, just curiously? Do you remember?
00:26:25
Speaker
I remember saying, I could pull up the post, but I probably something along the lines of, you know, I wish that you could have seen your potential. I wish you could have seen how much you were loved, you know, because that's what it was is, you know, with, with suicide, they think that, you know, you're better off without them or they're almost like they're doing a favor, you know, like they're a burden or they're a problem or, you know,
00:26:52
Speaker
you'll be better off without them and it's suicide I mean depression lies to you it completely lies to you it tells you all these different lies and One day you just lose the war with those lies those were that it becomes so loud in their heads that That's the only voice they hear and not the not their other inner voice of the truth that's in front of them they only hear the voices and
00:27:19
Speaker
What was your story with, how did you meet Marcus? And I want to go there. If that's okay with you, would that be okay? Sharing a little bit about how you guys met and then becoming parents and so forth? Yeah. Well, nothing glamorous. We met randomly at a bar one night.
00:27:41
Speaker
He told me like within probably 20 minutes of us meeting, he said, oh, I'm going to marry you. And I looked at him and I said, Ew, do you know the quickest way to send a girl running down the street? Like who says that? Oh my goodness. Um, but he was cute and he was charismatic and he was Portuguese and Italian too. So we just kind of hit it off and we fell in love really quick. We got moved in like after six months of dating.
00:28:08
Speaker
and got engaged after a year. We got married and then really got pregnant right away. We got pregnant on our honeymoon, but then we had a miscarriage. And then we got pregnant again and we had our daughter, Mia Moore. And she was born actually. Mia Moore is her name? Oh my. Mia Moore, I love it. And do you write it just like that, Mia Moore? Yeah, well her first name is Mia.
00:28:39
Speaker
And then her last one was more. More, more, more. Oh, it's like so more is. It sounds so perfect. So I thought it was more and more. So it's Mia more, but Mia more. Oh, so perfect. OK. Yeah. So she was actually born on our one year wedding anniversary. So that was an interesting way to celebrate our one year anniversary.
00:29:03
Speaker
Um, yeah, and then had our son about two years later. And what is his name? Mason. Oh, Mason. Do you have M names? I do too. My kids are Mateo and Mila. Mine are both. Yeah. Mine are both M names. M and M. M and M's. Yeah, that's what we are. M and M. That's so funny. I love it. Love it too. Yeah. And then we were married for about 12 years, almost 12 years. No.
00:29:32
Speaker
Almost 11 years when he passed. When he passed away. Did you know that when you met that he suffered from depression? Did you know that at the beginning? I did. Or was it something ... Okay. Yeah. It was something that he had struggled with prior to me, but he seemed good. He was not on any medication. He was not talking to a doctor.
00:29:54
Speaker
From our whole relationship, there was no problems. Everybody, even everybody said like, oh my gosh, he's like a different person. You just make him so happy. Until it was probably, it happened in January of 2019 is when it got really bad.
00:30:16
Speaker
And it just, since then, it just was like, just like a huge snowball effect. It was like before I even knew it, he had taken his life. It happened so quickly. Yeah.
00:30:30
Speaker
And then in that particular time when his depression hit hard, was he able to work? Was it a debilitating? Was he able to kind of do, you know, the things or was it debilitating that he even started to not work? Well, so yeah, so January is when he went on a leave from work. He had told me in January that he had been having thoughts of taking his life.
00:30:54
Speaker
so I immediately got him to a doctor and so he had been seeing a doctor he had been trying a couple different medications and Then that had happened, you know, that was from January until May We went we actually took a family trip to Portugal with his family his parents brother and sister and nephew and us and the kids we went in March end of March I think
00:31:21
Speaker
And he was just way different on the trip because we had gone to Venice a couple years before and that trip was so much fun. Him and I had so much fun. We would go out and we would try new restaurants and just like adventure. And when we were in Portugal, he was just really different. He was just very distraught. He didn't really want to do anything. He just kind of like he didn't, you know, he didn't want to even go out and sightsee or anything. It was really weird. And so that's when I kind of was like, OK, things are getting really bad.
00:31:50
Speaker
And we came back and had talked to his doctor and I was not impressed with his doctor at all. Um, and I had been kind of looking around to try to find somebody else. Um, but then everything just happened too quickly. Do you, do you feel like in, in these instances of all the things that come that the emotions are some of those related to the choice of doctor for you for what he had?
00:32:15
Speaker
Um, I mean, yeah, absolutely. I definitely, from my, from my experience in general, talking to other people and having, so like my neighbor, um, where we had lived, her 18 year old son had taken his life six months prior to my husband taking his. And so I knew the struggle that she had dealt with with the mental health system as well. So I was, even prior to my husband taking his life, I knew how broken the mental health system was. And so I had already been kind of researching.
00:32:44
Speaker
kind of workarounds for how to get done what we needed to have done because the system is so broken.
00:32:53
Speaker
That's my biggest thing is just people that need help aren't able to get the help that they need in a timely fashion. I wonder if the same applies to what we were just talking about before about the manual and there's no manual for grief, no manual for kids because everybody's so unique. I wonder if that's the reason that it's so hard to really get the right fit, not only of medication, but of even just the right therapist or counselor or whatever.
00:33:19
Speaker
is because everybody's situation is so unique in their own mental health journey. Do you find that that may be the case of why it's so hard to really, I don't know, yeah, make it worse? Well, I mean, yes, I do think that because, yeah, there's so many different complexities and different dynamics and just, you know, everybody's so different and so unique. But from my experience, the problem is even getting an appointment in general.
00:33:43
Speaker
If you need to see a doctor, you're having suicidal thoughts or depression or whatever, it's like six to eight weeks out to even see a doctor. No way. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It should be like a 911 call type of thing. Absolutely. That's what I don't understand and especially with how prevalent suicide is. That's why when my girlfriend, when she lost her son, they had an appointment. They had an appointment eight weeks out and he took his life on week six.
00:34:11
Speaker
So when I had known that and I knew that we were trying to find a doctor and trying to get an appointment, I knew like I don't have that time to wait.
00:34:18
Speaker
I don't have that time to wait. So I had to figure out how to fast track it, which is not glamorous at all. You basically have to go to the emergency room and sit there and wait to see a social worker who can then, you know, refer you to a therapist. And usually in order to even get to see a therapist, they have to admit you into the psych ward for like a day or two. Oh, wow. Yeah.
00:34:43
Speaker
So, unfortunately, that's what we had to do. And it was not glamorous, it was not cute, but that was the quickest way. Otherwise, it was going to take eight weeks for him to see anybody. And honestly, he was gone within eight weeks. And that was even with us fast-tracking and getting him to see a doctor. I'm so sorry, Victoria. Yeah, it's this, I mean, that, so to me, it's like, it's not even the help that the people are getting. I think once they get the help,
00:35:09
Speaker
that it'll probably work if they get a doctor who can adequately help them. But it's just the getting the appointment. Yeah, something has to change for sure. It has to. And especially with this whole lockdown and coronavirus and stuff, now it's starting to affect the young kids. Right.
00:35:28
Speaker
It's like, we don't have this time to wait. You're having these thoughts. You need to see somebody within 24 to 48 hours, in my opinion, even if it's through a telemedicine Zoom call or something. What is that 1-800 number and stuff, too, that there is? What do they do?
00:35:49
Speaker
Suicide hotline, so I've actually never called it But I'm pretty sure you know you're just kind of talking to somebody who is assessing the situation and if you are having suicidal thoughts You know they find out how to get you help whether that be you know maybe having It's probably you know along the the lines of the same thing having the police or paramedics come to you to take you to the emergency room so you could see a therapist you know
00:36:18
Speaker
It's like another, I guess it's also, there's such taboo still around the topic of mental health. It's like just like there's taboo over the topic of grief and death and so forth. There's just such taboo and until we switch that and really make it be like it is just like any other
Normalizing Mental Health Discussions
00:36:39
Speaker
illness, you know, and needs attention, especially like in urgent situations like that, then nothing's going to change unless we, you know, the system changes, like you just said. Yeah, we need to normalize it. Yes, yes.
00:36:56
Speaker
We need to normalize it. And I feel like especially for men, you know, men don't want to be seen as weak. You know, they don't want to be seen that they don't like to be vulnerable. They don't want to open up and admit that something's wrong. And so then oftentimes it's too late. They hide it in distractions and this and that, like from their family or surrounding. So it's harder to even seek for help when you don't even know, right? Because it's hidden. Exactly. From others.
00:37:26
Speaker
Wow. Well, that's like a whole other thing to be able to talk about and stand up for and create organizations to stand up for the change in this kind of help that is needed. Yeah. Well, that's my goal. I'm starting a nonprofit.
00:37:44
Speaker
by the end of this year to help in his
Shifting Focus and Finding Joy
00:37:47
Speaker
honor. Here come all these aspects of gratitude and everything that comes. Look at the 180 that people take and the gifts that then we can give others because of our own struggles and our own pain. So like you said, pain to purpose, you said that earlier, right? So tell us then about everything that you feel
00:38:13
Speaker
so far in this almost two year journey that has shifted within you. And by the way, I'm looking at your picture right now on your website. Is the one on your website, is this Venice? That is in Venice. Yeah, I hired a photographer in Venice to follow us around and take pictures. Well, what?
00:38:32
Speaker
what a cool idea that is such a cool song vacation to just have somebody be there with you oh i did it in portugal too every time i go somewhere i'm gonna do it i think i love it
00:38:43
Speaker
How do you, how do you just like search and then just like search for a photographer in the area and then just like. There's a really cool, I actually did a blog post about it. There's on Yogi mommy, there's, um, a website called flytographer and you go on there and you type where you're going and it'll show you all the different photographers in that area who they're contracted with. And you can look at their different portfolios and you could pick one and you.
00:39:07
Speaker
Book an appointment and it's amazing. I love it And it was the person with you like just the entire trip or like one day like as you're doing we just hired her for a couple hours and So it was awesome because you know you get to be with the local so you could ask questions like where's the best place to go get? A drink or the best, you know, where do I need to go visit that maybe isn't so like such a tourist spot, you know They'll tell you like all the little secret spots
00:39:31
Speaker
And plus they know the ones that are great for pictures. Exactly. They take you to all the best places for pictures. And then as a mom, I feel like as a mom, you're always the one taking pictures, right? Yeah. You're not in the bit. You're like selfies. Yeah. In all our family pictures, my head is like the closest to the lens because I'm with my phone, like holding my arm like this and then it's like, you know, oh my gosh. Okay. So sorry for the little distraction there, but I was just like, oh, I got to kind of like looking at that and thinking of like, oh, this was one of the trips.
00:40:00
Speaker
So you tell us then what has changed then and within you in the last almost two years and what things have you done aside from everything that you've already mentioned and you can re-list them again.
00:40:16
Speaker
Well, okay. So, I mean, obviously losing my husband and everything is just been so, just such a hard thing to deal with in life. Um, nothing that I ever thought that I would experience. But with that, I feel like I'm to the point to where I'm noticing how far I've come on this journey and all the growth that I've learned. I'm grateful for the perspective that it's given me on what's important in life.
00:40:45
Speaker
What to focus on and how really at the end of the day, you know The only thing that we're guaranteed is that we're going to pass along from this life. So we have to Make the most out of every moment and find joy and even the darkest situations Which a lot of times it's hard to do and it looks different for everybody and I don't know how to tell you how to do that but it's just something that you have to try to do whether it be through your children or walking in nature or
00:41:13
Speaker
finding a new hobby. And yeah, it's, I don't know. It's just really kind of shown me what's important in life. I don't stress about the silly small stuff anymore because it doesn't matter at the end of the day.
00:41:26
Speaker
I don't try to control everything anymore because guess what? You can't control it. The more you try to control sometimes, you know, God or the universe decides to throw you for a loop. Not to say that, you know, that's what happens is like, you know, God making you like you deserve something, but you don't know what's going to happen. And so you just need to enjoy every second and try to find joy and love everywhere you can.
00:41:53
Speaker
That's wonderful. Now within your communities then, talk about then the different things you do. Then you have Yogi Mami, you have the blog, you have your women's group. So share a little bit about all these other ways in which you're giving back.
00:42:09
Speaker
Yes. So right now my only current website is just the yogimami.com. I'm hoping to create some, some additional ones for my additional services, but right now everybody can kind of connect with me through that on Instagram and on Facebook and through my blog.
00:42:26
Speaker
I do offer one-on-one coaching and group coaching. So I'm actually creating a six-week program for widows that should be starting next month. And we do all sorts of different techniques. So I basically empower you to learn techniques that you can then do on your own whenever you need it. So it includes the hypnotherapy, meditations, tapping, aroma freedom technique,
00:42:52
Speaker
all sorts of just different, um, mind, body, modalities, breath work, journaling, all sorts of things. And then I have my album. My grief to gratitude album is up on iTunes and Google music and Spotify. That's wonderful. That's wonderful. Thank you so much because yeah, you've just kind of shown everything that can
00:43:15
Speaker
can come from something so hard. I always think of it even just like birth, right? Like if you go through something so hard and all these pains, although you probably didn't because you had a hypno birth. So you probably. Oh, I felt it girl. I still felt it.
00:43:31
Speaker
I didn't feel ... I had an epidural, so I'm one of those. I had extra help, and still, of course, I felt the contractions beforehand and all that, but yet something in a painful moment, and it really is traumatic even for the child being born in that moment, yet something so beautiful comes from it.
00:43:52
Speaker
situations with even grief. A lot of beauty can come from it as well. And you're demonstrating that. Now, I'm going to ask you to share this because I was about to comment yesterday. I just got distracted and didn't end up commenting in your stories about your new tattoo because I see it now on your logo. Can you please share? I saw an infinity. I saw infinity.
00:44:19
Speaker
I saw Lotus and I saw the Crescent Moon. So would you mind sharing, whether with me or the listeners, if you don't want me to like keep this part, I don't have to keep it.
00:44:32
Speaker
It is a Unilome. And what that is, is a Unilome is a Buddhist symbol of basically kind of like the journey of life. So it's that, you know, the path to life is not straight. There's twists and turns and lessons to be learned and mistakes to be made. And so each Unilome is a little bit different. And so the one that I created with my tattoo artist, Sam, includes a lotus flower because lotus is bloom out of mud.
00:45:02
Speaker
So they bloom out from, you know, when you think you've been covered in mud, you've been thinking you've been covered in dirt, you've been buried, you actually can, something beautiful can bloom out of the mud. And then the moon, because the moon has so many different phases and so do we with our emotions. Um, our emotions, you know, wax and wane with things just like the moon. And so that explains my little design. It says so much about your journey, just, you know, and,
00:45:32
Speaker
And thank you. Just even that expression. And I don't have any tattoos, but I like to ask people about it because I feel that if somebody were to put something on their body that's going to last forever, it has to have a lot of symbolism and meaning. And yours just has such a beautiful spiritual connection to it. And thank you for sharing that. It says a lot about it. Thank you.
00:45:57
Speaker
about you and your journey and your beliefs as well. And like you said, twists and turn, it's not always just from A to B and that's it. Nope. Yeah, exactly. Lots of different detours to along the way in our life. And I love that description of the lotus bloom in mud. I just wrote it down because it might end up being the title of this podcast.
00:46:26
Speaker
The lotus blooms out of the mud. It blooms out of the mud. Yeah, I put that in there. I put the pain into purpose. So the little things that strike me like that, I write them down and sometimes end up being the title of the episode. Is there anything else I did not ask you that you'd like to share any last words that you want to share in this podcast?
00:46:51
Speaker
I think that's it. Thank you for having me. This has been such an honor. I've loved chatting with you for the past hour. I've loved chatting with you too. Thank you so much, Victoria, for sharing and for the kids to have mommy be on podcasts. I'm sure they're so used to doing their own thing now at homeschooling. So thank you for taking that time to share your journey. Thank you for having me.
00:47:20
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode and if you feel inspired in some way
00:47:43
Speaker
to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so. Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.