Transcript
Speaker: hi and welcome to another episode of the glam reaper podcast this is a continuation on from part one so if you missed part one definitely check it out we are talking to brian and ryan from undertaking the podcast and here's part two take it away
Speaker: Guys, oh my God.
Speaker: Like, seriously, thank you so much for coming on the Glamour Reaper podcast.
Speaker: This is amazing.
Speaker: But like, you guys are on like 300 gazillion episodes or something.
Speaker: Like, seriously?
Speaker: Is that where we're at?
Speaker: I wish it was 60 gazillion.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: We've been very lucky, very blessed.
Speaker: We've had a lot of support and people really have gotten behind the idea of just having open dialogue.
Speaker: And that's, you know, what you're trying to do as well.
Speaker: So, you know, I think, you know, I always go back to the idea of, you know, I think we've talked about this a little bit, but hearing it from the professional that's doing it is, I think, much more important than a Yahoo News article.
Speaker: So yeah, Johnny Sequest in grandma's basement writing, you know, the 10 things your, your funeral director won't tell you.
Speaker: So, you know, this is what it is.
Speaker: So, you know, we've had, we've been blessed people supported us.
Speaker: We've been able to talk openly.
Speaker: We get, we get criticism, Brian.
Speaker: I mean, he gets emails.
Speaker: I don't, he doesn't want me to deal with them.
Speaker: But so, yeah.
Speaker: And, and, you know, it's, we're learning too.
Speaker: I think that's the other thing, you know, throughout this, you know, we're talking to people that,
Speaker: that know more than, than we do.
Speaker: And I'm not saying we know that much.
Speaker: I'm just saying like, we want to bring people on that can answer our questions.
Speaker: So, you know, in a lot of ways, you know, for me, I always tell Brian, my questions are, you know, a
Speaker: pretty simple in a lot of ways.
Speaker: I'm just a normal human being.
Speaker: I'm not like an Elon Musk or anything.
Speaker: I just ask simple questions.
Speaker: And quite honestly, that's what the general public want.
Speaker: They want it.
Speaker: They want it honest and they want it simple.
Speaker: So that's how we do it.
Speaker: So yeah, 360, I mean, it's been a ride.
Speaker: I'll tell you that.
Speaker: We've traveled the country and gotten to do some things that's really not been done in funeral service.
Speaker: But
Speaker: for.
Speaker: I'll say that as a, as kind of a conduit to funeral service, I guess you could say, but it's, it's been righteous.
Speaker: We've had a great time.
Speaker: Now, Ryan, I think I've learned more in almost four years we've done the show than I did the previous 15 years of being in funeral service plus mortuary school.
Speaker: I mean, just talking about what we do
Speaker: And to learn, to learn to talk and explain what we do and the importance of what we do, we have to shut up and listen.
Speaker: We have to listen to other people and it doesn't matter if they're a funeral director or their support staff or they're a celebrant or it doesn't matter.
Speaker: Like everyone has something to add in this human experience of what we do and
Speaker: And that's where our show and that's what we want to do on the show.
Speaker: So, so I do have a question I got.
Speaker: I really want to, I'm going to put you on the spot here.
Speaker: It'll be great.
Speaker: Because we have so many people who pre-plan that want nothing.
Speaker: And we know that we all know.
Speaker: And I think they know too, that like, there's going to be no benefit or, um,
Speaker: no benefit, no negative about what we do after they die for them.
Speaker: They're dead, but it's all about the family that's living.
Speaker: So can you talk to me, Jennifer, about having a service?
Speaker: What, like, how would you put in words?
Speaker: Cause I find it hard as a funeral director to put in words, the value of a funeral.
Speaker: Um, why is it, why do we even do this?
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: So, yeah, that's actually I'm delighted that you actually brought that up because one of the most difficult parts of my journey in being in the funeral community was actually sitting down and doing my own mother's pre-plan.
Speaker: And it's why I'm such a fan of a pre-plan because here's the thing.
Speaker: I'm her daughter, but she also has a son.
Speaker: She has a husband.
Speaker: She's a grandmother.
Speaker: She is a best friend.
Speaker: She's a cousin.
Speaker: She's a sister.
Speaker: She's everything to everyone.
Speaker: if and when she dies um it will probably be up to me to do it all um given what I do for a living but I'll probably crumble and that either way it doesn't matter who's going to be in charge of it they're going to do it from their point of view it'll be me or my brother and it'll be from our point of view whereas now I have her pre-plan and it's from her point of view right which is wonderful um like she wants Rod Stewart played Maggie Mae and I was like what wasn't that Jesus and she was like
Speaker: And she was like, the girls will laugh.
Speaker: And I was like, okay, as long as the girls will laugh, whatever.
Speaker: So that was great.
Speaker: And that was my mom.
Speaker: And there was tears and there was laughter.
Speaker: I sat down with my dad.
Speaker: Nothing.
Speaker: Absolutely nothing.
Speaker: He said, just stick me in the back of my pickup truck.
Speaker: Bury me wherever you want to throw me in the ground.
Speaker: you know, it's fine and throw a few bob behind the bar and we'll all have a piss up.
Speaker: And I was like, right.
Speaker: Now, even that small little conversation with him, I know exactly what to do for my dad.
Speaker: I do know what to do for him.
Speaker: And it's basically to spend as little money as possible.
Speaker: Now, every funeral director in the world is probably going to like, skin's going to crawl.
Speaker: I'm not going to say every, you know, but he doesn't want anything.
Speaker: I mean, if he can have no casket, he just wants the money put behind the bar and everyone to have a good time, right?
Speaker: That's a difficult one in terms of he doesn't want a funeral service.
Speaker: However, in my experience and from what I have learned is that
Speaker: The funeral in and of itself, and I'm going to say funeral, but when I say funeral, I mean memorial, all of the above, any form of service or celebration of life or mourning of a death is so imperative.
Speaker: And I think that's where religions have us by the curlies because they provide us with a blueprint from which to grieve.
Speaker: And I actually touch on this in my TEDx talk that I did where we lost our dog.
Speaker: We had her for 16 years and all of a sudden we had to put her down and my whole family went into mourning.
Speaker: And it was the weirdest thing.
Speaker: thing ever because there's no funeral you know it's a dog so there's no funeral I mean there is for some people nowadays but at the time there was no funeral there was just she's gone and my friends didn't know what to do people didn't know what's appropriate it was just this little it was just this vast space of time and you know it was just weird nobody knew how to interact I didn't know how to interact with people
Speaker: I was in mourning.
Speaker: My whole family was in mourning.
Speaker: It was just wild.
Speaker: And so, and even myself, I've lived in DC.
Speaker: My grandmother passed away.
Speaker: I never got to go to her funeral.
Speaker: I am fully convinced that if you don't go to a funeral or a memorial, as I said, or a celebration of life or something of the sort, I feel like you never fully address grief and the loss of that person.
Speaker: I think it's absolutely important as a memorial planner.
Speaker: I get that question quite a lot because people feel like I'm taking away from the funeral and I'm sort of trying to make a mockery of it or talking about dancing on people's graves or I'm just not...
Speaker: into the tradition.
Speaker: And that's couldn't be further from the truth because I actually firmly believe in a funeral and a memorial and having something to mark the lives.
Speaker: Even any of my families that I've worked with throughout COVID, I'm like, take your time.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: But have do something, mark the occasion in some way, shape or form.
Speaker: And that and as you we all know,
Speaker: that doesn't have to mean throwing thousands of dollars at a party.
Speaker: It can taking the ashes and throwing them out to sea.
Speaker: It can mean getting together six of you and, you know, in a bar, raising a toast and having a meal.
Speaker: It can be anything.
Speaker: It's just having some words.
Speaker: It's taking the time and doing something to mark the occasion.
Speaker: That's my firm belief.
Speaker: And I just, I don't want us to lose that with,
Speaker: all the new innovation and the new, you know, they're saying that sort of, especially Americans, we're denying death now.
Speaker: You know, people want the body taken away before we even get to sort of see it and stuff like that.
Speaker: I don't agree with any of that.
Speaker: I also don't agree with being forced to see a body.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: For me myself, I've had unfortunate experiences where, again, because people assume because of the industry I'm in that I want to see my deceased relatives.
Speaker: I don't.
Speaker: Personally, I like to remember people laughing.
Speaker: I'm sure there may be, maybe it'll be my parents or whoever else that I may want to see, but I feel like that's a personal choice in the moment.
Speaker: And so I don't necessarily agree with this, oh, just because people want direct cremation that it's,
Speaker: we're not dealing with it.
Speaker: Me, the service helps us to deal with it.
Speaker: And it also that sense of community.
Speaker: And I think that's, um, the Irish wake community in me.
Speaker: I think that's part of that.
Speaker: Um, so yeah, anyway, no, no, I think that was great.
Speaker: I mean, uh, that, that is the struggle that we have as funeral directors because many, well, most of us look, they look at funeral directors as they're there to take your money.
Speaker: And we're here literally to tell you to do something.
Speaker: And that something is limitless.
Speaker: Like when my wife and I, we lost a baby miscarriage.
Speaker: I planted a tree in the backyard by myself.
Speaker: I did something.
Speaker: I didn't, you know, and that was for me.
Speaker: And then I promptly mowed it over with the lawnmower.
Speaker: But anyway, yeah.
Speaker: It's going fine.
Speaker: I looked at it just yesterday.
Speaker: It's doing fine.
Speaker: It's a little crooked.
Speaker: You know, so it's, it's just one of those things that like, I, you know, it's hard for us to, you know, impart meaning onto someone else when there's a financial transaction and that's, what's so tough.
Speaker: Um, but I think we had a really good talk about it today.
Speaker: Um, this was fun.
Speaker: This was a lot of fun.
Speaker: And I'm so, I'm so excited that I literally sat across from you and ate part of your dinner and we didn't remember that.
Speaker: I remember the burn of the Nashville chicken or the Memphis hot chicken, whatever they call it.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: That was so hot.
Speaker: Ludicrous.
Speaker: Absolutely ludicrous.
Speaker: We did.
Speaker: We sat there and had a conversation.
Speaker: We literally did not remember each other.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: But no, it is.
Speaker: Listen, it's so – yeah, it's people –
Speaker: I empathize with you guys so much you know myself and Chris were actually talking about it um Chris Farmer and we were doing that episode there because I was saying like the media really is responsible um which is why I try and infiltrate uh where I can because you guys are unfortunately seen as cowboys a lot of you know you're painted as is terrible in the media and it's not right like
Speaker: it really irritates me.
Speaker: It really, really gets on my nerves.
Speaker: Um, and yeah, and it's, it's like, especially during COVID Christ almighty.
Speaker: I mean, that was just heartbreaking.
Speaker: I wish I was licensed.
Speaker: Like my heart just bled that I couldn't here in New York help in any way, shape or form really.
Speaker: Um, because yeah, it's, it's not right.
Speaker: There are so many good funeral directors out there and honestly, it's,
Speaker: it doesn't help me or benefit me in any way, but I actually have made it sort of my personal little mission to, um, to educate the public.
Speaker: That's what the Glamour Reaper podcast honestly is about, is about like shedding a light in a sort of a fun, open way on, on this industry.
Speaker: I mean, you know, and I, I think shying away from calling it an industry or a business, I think doesn't do us any favors because, okay, yeah.
Speaker: Like do, you know, you've lost somebody and,
Speaker: yes, okay, you've got this gentleman sitting across from you and now he wants to take your money for X, Y, and Z. It's not the nicest feeling in the world, but equally this man or woman has a family, has three kids, has, you know, lost a child.
Speaker: Like, you know, we're human beings at the end of the day.
Speaker: And the more I can paint that picture, the happier I am, really and truly.
Speaker: I wish I had it in front of me.
Speaker: One of my best, probably the best thank you note I've ever received was from a sister, a sister-in-law of the deceased.
Speaker: And she came in to make funeral arrangements as a young man, lots of kids.
Speaker: And, uh, he was young.
Speaker: He was very young.
Speaker: He's younger than I am now.
Speaker: And, uh, anyway, sat down with the wife, we made arrangements.
Speaker: She picked what she wanted.
Speaker: We, we did what she wanted, all that stuff.
Speaker: And I don't know, week or two, probably two weeks later, I got this thank you card in the mail from the sister-in-law.
Speaker: So the sister of the wife, she
Speaker: And she said, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Speaker: And I'm trying to paraphrase this as best I can.
Speaker: She said, I told my sister before we came in that all you want to do is to get her to spend money.
Speaker: And I can't, she said, I can't thank you enough for proving me wrong.
Speaker: You, you completely turned my mindset upside down about what funeral directors do and how you help people.
Speaker: And you were completely the opposite of what I thought.
Speaker: And I'm like going, Oh, I'm like literally like weeping, reading this letter.
Speaker: I'm going,
Speaker: damn okay i'm doing okay i'm doing okay you know if but you know honestly that's all anybody can do and at the end of the day everyone has everyone on that chain has to make a living whether it's the priests that come in and they're copying pasting the script i mean it's hard as a funeral director because you're almost controlling and you're the face of every aspect of it and that's the difficulty i think um
Speaker: And the media does not help.
Speaker: But at the end of the day, I'd say most funeral directors, if they could count the amount of thank you notes that they've gotten over the years and put it against the odd begrudging person you have.
Speaker: And even actually, you touched on it earlier, Brian.
Speaker: And I just want to actually make a point of you do have to just check your own shit at the door.
Speaker: And that's the hardest thing sometimes to do, whether it's a personal loss or a row you've had with a spouse or, you know, your mom or, you know, anything, anything.
Speaker: Like we're all human beings at the end of the day.
Speaker: And anything that has gone wrong in your life, and I say this to families, can equally have gone wrong in mine.
Speaker: But I have to check my shit at the door to help you with your shit.
Speaker: And, and that's brilliant.
Speaker: That's what we signed up to do.
Speaker: And so there'll be the odd day that maybe you might snap at somebody a little bit snappier than you should have.
Speaker: But, you know, we're just people we're, we're people trying to help people in tough times.
Speaker: And I had a funeral director tell me through email that 90% of his families, it's not the worst day of their life.
Speaker: And I, it made me think for a minute and I'm like, I,
Speaker: I don't agree.
Speaker: I think it's a really awful time.
Speaker: Like, you know, a death sucks.
Speaker: So, you know, whether a family is dealing with it okay doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
Speaker: And we have to know that.
Speaker: It's not just this business transaction where here, here, here, you know.
Speaker: So, I don't know.
Speaker: I mean, I love having these conversations because –
Speaker: We get to explore so many ideas and so many, because like Ryan and I, we don't, and we got called out, called out on another podcast put out by the national association about, you know, how do we know that we're putting out proper information?
Speaker: And it's like, you know what, this is all about conversation.
Speaker: It's learning from other people and you're not a funeral director, but you know what, you know what the hell you're doing.
Speaker: And we want to, we want to hear,
Speaker: what your thoughts are.
Speaker: And that's what we do here.
Speaker: Well, let me tell you something real, real cute that I just thought I just had to share with somebody this week because I haven't shared it with anybody.
Speaker: First of all, on that note,
Speaker: like you're trying to you're putting out information the internet is literally just putting out people putting out content so you know putting out accurate content I mean listen it's all once it's all about a conversation and you know you can like talk to your local funeral director and get your comfort your content there if you want accuracy and stuff but I was at
Speaker: hot yoga the other morning right now hot yoga is like punishment from the soul anyway i was you know all finding my zen which one of my assistant roars laughing at me because every time i come back from hot yoga sometimes i do it at lunch um i come back and i'm like god's sake they can't leave me for five minutes in my zen but they send me a text that just you know might blow up my world or whatever you know memorial i might be working on there might be some drama you know
Speaker: I can't get five minutes afterwards.
Speaker: But anyway, in this moment, I happen to be doing it at seven in the morning.
Speaker: So I was in my zen.
Speaker: I was so proud I'd survived because it was a hot yoga fit.
Speaker: It was some combo...
Speaker: from hell anyway, basically, right?
Speaker: And I was in the dressing room and the teacher came by and she said, well done, Jen, you survived.
Speaker: I said, I did.
Speaker: As long as I can survive a class, I'm happy.
Speaker: And I said, I just looked at her and I said, I don't know how you do it because she literally is at the top of the class doing everything seamlessly.
Speaker: And you're just like, how are you just, you're morphing your body into these contortions.
Speaker: And she just turned around and she said,
Speaker: thanks.
Speaker: But she said, I bet you're damn good at your job too.
Speaker: And I went, too fucking Shay.
Speaker: Seriously.
Speaker: Like, there's me looking at her doing yoga in like this heat and doing it like as if, you know, water, like baby and water, whatever.
Speaker: And I just thought,
Speaker: I am like I am damn good at my job.
Speaker: And I know so because all of nearly all of my families are my friends afterwards in some shape or form.
Speaker: And I'm sure the same applies for you guys, especially in small towns and stuff.
Speaker: And so that in and of itself is rewarding.
Speaker: And, you know, I've had families kind of say to me.
Speaker: actually I just married as a celebrant I just married friends of mine there at the weekend and you know they said would you not go back to weddings and wedding planning isn't it happier and I actually thought you know what no I feel like I give more and I get more from what I do now like people have often said to me how do you do what you do especially at I feel like at the moment there's just so many young suicides and just oh yeah I can't and
Speaker: But you know what?
Speaker: My heart actually swells.
Speaker: My heart grows bigger.
Speaker: Every single memorial I do where the family is just like grabs me by the shoulders and is like, thank you so much.
Speaker: I'm just like, that's it.
Speaker: I've heard a funeral director say it and I've copied it and I will say it.
Speaker: I'm going to steal it.
Speaker: But, you know, I've heard that they say that in funeral service, we are paid.
Speaker: We are paid in means that we cannot spend.
Speaker: and it's hugs it's thank yous it's a handshake it's the minimal it's it's a look it's a head nod it's a look and um you know we do need money we got we got bills to pay but that's where the rubber meets the road is when we can really make a freaking difference and that's it you know yeah so
Speaker: And actually just to nearly rewind back to where we started with the celebrant and emotions and stuff.
Speaker: I actually, I say to myself, I say to my team, like the day I don't get emotional is the day I'll quit.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: I'm out.
Speaker: I'm out.
Speaker: When I don't get, when I don't give a damn, when I don't care, I'm out.
Speaker: I'm, I'm going to go, I'll fill potholes.
Speaker: It'll be fine.
Speaker: Hey, tell us about your book and your podcast and let's make sure the listeners know about all that.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So my, okay.
Speaker: Well, my, I mean, I don't really know whether to tell you, I mean, the book is a bit irrelevant because it's, so it's Say Farewell Your Way.
Speaker: It's a funeral planning guide for Ireland.
Speaker: It's 10 years old.
Speaker: So it's a little out of date.
Speaker: It's also a funeral planning guide for Ireland.
Speaker: So it's very niche.
Speaker: It's like niche, niche, niche, niche.
Speaker: We got Irish listeners, so we're good.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: um and then the podcast obviously the glamoury podcast um and yeah like i do i talk about ireland a little bit um it's mostly about funerals um but it's most we try and focus on life love and loss so we try and you know talk about yes the funeral community are mostly the guests but we try and talk about sort of their lives in and around of it um
Speaker: But the book was published in Ireland, but I actually am currently writing my third book, believe it or not.
Speaker: Yes, I did publish my second book, which is just a PDF that you can get on my website.
Speaker: And that is, if you are any Irish...
Speaker: excuse me, diaspora anywhere in the world, you, I am, this helps you to sort of build an Irish funeral wherever you are in the world.
Speaker: It's sort of, it's, it's a part of the original book.
Speaker: Just extended as such.
Speaker: What's the website?
Speaker: The website is www.muldownymemorials.com.
Speaker: But you can also get the glam reaper.com too.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Awesome.
Speaker: Jennifer, thank you for having us on yours.
Speaker: I mean, I love it.
Speaker: This is amazing.
Speaker: And that is the final part to my lovely conversation with Brian and Ryan.
Speaker: I really think we're going to have to get those guys on again soon.
Speaker: I definitely think we need to do some sort of a podcast roadshow or road trip.
Speaker: But stay tuned for our next episode and shoot us an email, glamouryforpodcast at gmail.com or leave a comment down below.
Speaker: We'll talk to you soon.
Speaker: Bye-bye.
