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Ep 184: Santa With Muscles - Holiday Special!
50 Plays1 day ago
Our mid-break special episode takes us back to Hogantown as we discuss Santa With Muscles! This one follows Hulk Hogan as a self-absorbed millionaire who bonks his head, gets amnesia, and becomes convinced he’s actually Santa Claus, much to the confusion of everyone around him. While wandering around in full red-and-white gear, he stumbles into a local orphanage threatened by an over-the-top villain, becoming its unlikely protector. Hogan charges through the trouble with holiday spirit, accidental heroism, and the kind of confidence only someone who forgot who they are can truly possess.
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Transcript
Introduction and Festive Greetings
00:00:00
Speaker
Ho, ho, ho. Welcome back to Bad Movies, Worst People Christmas special. And this week, never stop to smell the roses. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack. And this is Bad Movies, Worst People.
'Santa with Muscles' and Its Origins
00:00:46
Speaker
Santa with muscles.
00:00:54
Speaker
Happy Christmas, guys. Happy Mary. I refuse to say that. as of As of recording, it's literally, well, today's basically over, so eight days away. not prepared at all. Oh, man, great. Now I have to fucking go watch Eight Crazy Nights when we're done.
00:01:08
Speaker
oh it's not eating It's not Hanukkah yet. You're good. But we are here to talk about 1996's Santa with Muscles, directed by ah John Murkowski, who directed a whole bunch of things that look like Lifetime movies, and also Amityville, A New Generation.
00:01:24
Speaker
Did he ever do Stocked by My Doctor? No, they're like Lifetime movies. I was going to say, did they look like they would be Lifetime movies or they are? I'm not sure because IMDb doesn't tell you if it's you know Lifetime, but i just basing it off the titles that I was seeing, I'm i'm going to say they were Lifetime. Okay.
00:01:45
Speaker
And then it was written by three people who were never allowed to write a movie again. Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, and Dory Crum Raymond. Why were they never...
00:01:57
Speaker
Because they wrote this, I guess. This is the literally all three of them only wrote this. ah Dory Crumb Raymond. This is the only credit that person has, period. They just found people off the streets and gave them pen and paper.
00:02:08
Speaker
It was Hogan. They had to have been Hogan's friends. Oh, I doubt it. Fred Mata and Jonathan Bond both did some acting. Fred Mata was in more stuff, but it was nothing I recognized. Jonathan Bond was in at least one thing I recognized. He was the water slide attendant in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Okay. Good for him. When he sends Napoleon down? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that guy wrote this movie.
00:02:35
Speaker
Okay. He went on to things. I don't want to say bigger. i don't want to say better. Although there is a trivia thing that says ah the original author's draft was changed so much that he sued to have his name removed. So I don't know if that's one of these guys or if that's someone else. but The original draft was so bad. Well, guess what? The final cut gets better.
00:02:55
Speaker
ah um We don't have a box office game, correct? so i have I don't have a budget, but I do have a box office. Wait, this one's a theater's?
00:03:09
Speaker
I thought this was live time. At least a little bit. Okay. We don't have a budget. the year is...
Box Office and Mila Kunis' Debut
00:03:15
Speaker
1996, November 8th, 1996. The movie is Santa with Muscles. Did we say that? this was a Thanksgiving movie.
00:03:21
Speaker
November 8th, 1996. I have an opening weekend and a worldwide gross, but that's it. Okay, why let's do worldwide. Worldwide and US are the same, so I'm going to assume. But you don't have a budget, right? I don't have a budget. It's cleaned up in Yugoslavia. $49.
00:03:39
Speaker
A million dollars was the budget. Probably. It's a yeah, 1.5 with craft service for Hogan. What was the budget on Suburban Commando? Subtract the $300,000 for Christopher Lloyd. And there we are.
00:03:54
Speaker
Okay, so I'm going to say box office worldwide 96, looking at seven hundred twenty nine thousand She just about took my answer.
00:04:08
Speaker
ah I do this all the time and now I feel like not being mean. One million. This would have been an occasion to be mean. $220,198. two hundred and twenty thousand one hundred and ninety eight dollars And the crazy thing is the opening weekend was 120,932. So opening weekend, it made 121 basically. And then however much longer it was in theaters, it made the other 99,000.
00:04:35
Speaker
Well, because at that point, the only people that were going to see it were people like us that just like bad shit. I vaguely, I hated bad shit back then. Did you want to speak some beers in and go see Santa with Muscles?
00:04:48
Speaker
I vaguely remember this in theaters. i God, oh no barely. this is Do you guys remember man theaters that used to be yeah yeah at the park mall? Yeah. like Got rid of them. I remember it there. It's woke. can't have man-only theaters now.
00:05:00
Speaker
Well, it had two N's, so. It was Michael Mann theaters. the audio The sound was great in there. The movie might have sucked, but that fucking Ernest Saves Camp has the best sound you've ever heard. When a kid falls into the water, you really you believe it. you really feel You really hear the kid drowning.
00:05:16
Speaker
You can hear the gurgles. James Cameron actually took that sound for Avatar 2 for every time the guys jumped in the water. Yeah, no, when I was younger, I was watching her that Ernest Goes to Camp. I never thought it would inspire me to do Avatar Away the Water, but here we are. But I was in Tucson, Arizona at Mann Theaters, and it just blew me away.
00:05:37
Speaker
That's why they had to close it down, because he took the sound system. I was enjoying my popcorn and my meth, as one does in a Tucson theater. Hey, i saw I saw... What did I see there? um ah Jury Duty.
00:05:49
Speaker
Oh, thing that's that's actually not as bad. I thought she was going to say, like I saw two hobos stab it out once there when I was in Man Theater. like i was expecting a Whitney whore story. it was I almost gave a whore story, but I did not do a horror story. I was expecting a horror story.
00:06:02
Speaker
I read a couple of reviews, and I didn't really understand. why because people Well, why not? Because people were like... I can't believe they left this out
Notable Producers and Trivia
00:06:11
Speaker
of Wolf of Wall Street. And I was like, what are you talking about? So one of the executive producers on this movie was Jordan Belfort, Belfort, who is the character the character that Leonardo DiCaprio is playing in the Wolf of Wall Street. So Leonardo DiCaprio's character from that produced this movie. So just he's all fucked up producing Santa with muscles.
00:06:35
Speaker
Fucking that's that's where that's what happened with when you do Quaaludes kids. So o Well, they you don't have to know. You can't get Kvalids anymore. And I only have they're gone one thing that's kind of is slightly interesting. So Mila Kunis. I have lot of things that are slightly interesting. A third nipple.
00:06:53
Speaker
Mila Kunis. Wow. Okay. Mila Kunis is a star, co-star of this movie. Her first her first acting role, her free her feature film debut at least. Yeah, the inaugural. So she was asked about this film in a 2011 GQ magazine interview.
00:07:09
Speaker
Apparently they were talking about American Psycho 2, which she co-starred in with William Shatner. um And all she said about it was, i was just too young to really understand the importance of working with Hulk Hogan. I just thought he was a huge man.
00:07:23
Speaker
So she didn't even know who he was, which is kind of funny. The rest of the trivia is things we already know, like ah Don Stark and Mila Kunis would go on to star in that 70s show. Not trivia, just a fact.
00:07:34
Speaker
Oh, actually, here's a fun one. Speaking of Jordan Belfort, when he went to jail, his cellmate was Tommy Chong, who also starred in that 70s show. Oh. He didn't star, but he had a reoccurring role. Yeah, man. Like, I was in that, you know.
00:07:51
Speaker
Like, I was deep in that. Like, I didn't even know I was filming. i was just kind of there. Yeah, I was there to supply. was just and like are lying When I think of that 70s show, I think of Tommy Chong. I think of, oh, my God.
00:08:04
Speaker
No. Kitty? No. Mitch Hedberg. Oh, my God. The first episode only? Yeah. And then he and then he died? i Yeah. I know, but he was awesome. How sad is that? Mitch Hedberg, probably the best person on that set. I don't know a lot about those people, but i assume they're mostly shitty, except for... ah Kitty. Kitty's awesome. oh What's his name? Yeah, the guy who plays Red. i can't think of his name. Oh, Kurtwood. Kurtwood. Kurtwood Smith. He's probably pretty awesome, but imagine maybe maybe not politically.
00:08:33
Speaker
He's old and white. He probably says bitches come instead of bitches leave in real life. Bitches come. Mitch Hedberg is probably the coolest person on that show, and that's the last thing he did with his life was star in the pilot or feature in the pilot. He was in like two or three episodes.
00:08:49
Speaker
Was he? was It wasn't many. Yeah. No, it was like two or three. Okay, I thought it was just the pilot, but I don't remember. I watched it all like four or five years ago, and I was like, well, that's forever ago.
Plot Overview and Character Introductions
00:09:00
Speaker
I'm done with that now.
00:09:01
Speaker
It was a whole child ago. Well, I'm glad that happened. I'm not doing that again. You know, because for a while you're laughing, and then eventually you're just watching it because you're like, well, I got to finish it.
00:09:12
Speaker
Yeah. He's going the distance. He's a completionist, guys. That's why I married him. Yeah. So we've got, yeah, always make sure she gets to completion. The movie starts with this thing telling us, or it's the little girl, Elizabeth, who is basically talking, it's a voiceover of her talking about this guy, Mr. Frost, who ends up- What her name? Ari Noel?
00:09:41
Speaker
Topo Shishol. don't know. Elizabeth Bentley wal Walsh is her is her name in the movie. She voiced Ducky in like the episode sees episode five, seven, nine, 14 or whatever. in the ah In the who could care phase of lambba Before Time.
00:09:58
Speaker
Anything past the first one. Aria Noel Curzon. There we go. But it's her talking about Mr. Frost, who is played by Ed Begley Jr. like And she's like, these guys are going to do something really bad this Christmas. They're trying to take our orphanage away. And let me just start right here by what I said last night. Orphanage? What?
00:10:19
Speaker
Okay, so the plot of this movie starring Hulk Hogan is, this man wants to take away our orphanage. I'm like, why would you just want to take away an orphanage? Like, it's just an evil... We find out there is a reason Well, he's not going to tell you that he wants to put a Chipotle there and maybe like ah a human bean. There's only ah three orphans. Well, those those will all be on the bottom floor. Then it's a high rise of student housing above it. If Tucson has taught me anything built on the bones of orphans, because if they don't get out, he's just collapsing at Great Wall China style. Just use them as the foundry foundation.
00:10:53
Speaker
And then we meet Hulk Hogan, who is playing ah something stupid. Blake Thomas. Blake Thorne. born Because he's got a last name of an immigrant.
00:11:07
Speaker
Blake Traczynski. I think I wrote it down later, but like on IMDb, everybody just has a first name. Yeah. I'm like, the last the last name is branded on everything. Well, the last name is pretty important to the movie because it becomes a key point of the end of it. Okay, I'm to stop you right there. There's nothing important to this movie. I'm not going to sit here and say I didn't have a little fun. There's nothing important to this movie.
00:11:29
Speaker
But it's it's Hulk Hogan sneaking up on this house ah like it's the end of Beverly Hills Cop, right? It's this mansion, and he's sneaking through the bushes, and he's getting attacked by, so it's just random A gardener with weed whacker. You've got a chef with a meat mallet. You've got a butler with a machete.
00:11:50
Speaker
um All these guys know some form of martial arts. And just the screaming henchman, whatever that guy's job is. He gets this movie, though. Everything he does is... ah hu da da datata da ha ha ah wow it's ah ah it's ah It's the dude from ah the first Indiana Jones who comes out with the two swords and is like... yeah yo what And then he just gets shot. it is This is where he says he kills or doesn't kill. He takes down the first guy and he's like, never stop to smell the roses, brother. and it's
00:12:22
Speaker
His whole character at the beginning of this movie at least is and they kind of brush over. i think he's supposed to be like a man child because he's just like nothing matters to me. I'm a billionaire. He's telling all these people his 235 rules. that But then sir.
00:12:38
Speaker
whatever it is it's a lot more it's a lot it's a lot of rules dude When there's a chase in a little while and he's like running from the cops, which is like a real thing with real consequences in real life. Yeah, I didn't think about it. He's just like, this is so silly. I'm having a great time. Brother. Get away from him, brother. He is a little brat, isn't he? Yeah. All right. You want to hear my 385 rules for success? Number one, there are no rules.
00:13:01
Speaker
Party! He grew up with money is what we are fed to believe. it's We are much later. Right now, we just know he's rich because he's got we do see him with a brand of everything. there's a protein powder. There's shakes. There's butt plugs. He's got little corn holders that look like his face. I wish.
00:13:22
Speaker
He literally just says carbohydrate bars. like You mean protein bars? You know what? that's Nope. Just straight up carbohydrate. Got a carbo load, brother.
00:13:33
Speaker
My blonde ass was like a carbo... hydrate a bar. What is that? And then you just put it together for me. And I was like, Oh, Oh, Oh, did Whitney get into the gummies?
00:13:47
Speaker
Hey, this one's like having three fettuccine Alfredo's while you're running. Imagine duker you're going to take after that marathon, brother. do not want to be that plumber. All right. How do you feel about Bolognese? Cause this one is like eight Bolognese in beer bong. Yeah. You ever beer bong Alfredo sauce? Maybe a little bechamel?
00:14:07
Speaker
Hork. Sounds like a good way to shit your pants. Hey, when you're shitting your pants, or if you're not wearing pants, you can't shit them, brother. I'd do it with an Alfredo beer bong on the toilet. ah so Why do you think butler can't make eye contact? he got to hose me down.
00:14:22
Speaker
We haven't spoken in years. Unless you count.
00:14:28
Speaker
Well, we know so we don't know that this is his butler and his chef and all this stuff, right? It looks like he's attacking this compound. But like, i only want to say that movie. No, I only want to say that because like they surround him and then they tell him like, oh, it took you four minutes and 23 seconds, whatever. But like this guy, Chaz, who is the butler, who probably gets the most definitely gets the most lines.
00:14:47
Speaker
uh he's played by a guy named william newman who and i don't i didn't get a lot time to do research beforehand because i worked an extra shift it's fine i'm just looking at imdb right now so it doesn't list the names for some reason like imdb is acting up but he was in mrs doubtfire leprechaun uh my name is earl the tick an angel so he was in stuff he's like out of our angel or your angel I don't.
00:15:18
Speaker
The show or the one about the avenging prostitute? See, how did he get it and you didn't? Because I've been listening to him talk about avenging prostitutes for going on two and a half years now. I just took it as when you said our angel, I was like, you and Jack have a show called Angel? ah No, you and my real husband. Not my step-husband. Yes, the television show Angel.
00:15:43
Speaker
Okay. But like, yeah, it's a test. And this is where he starts he starts talking about his rules, which gets dropped pretty quickly other than like the little girl later on comes up with like Santa rules. So it's kind of tied back in. Yeah, a little bit.
00:15:58
Speaker
He needs rules. Otherwise, it's just a little shit. Oh, no. Rule of three. He also has rules. He's like, well, yeah, this rule would be this. Oh, I wrote down. I wrote down the like eight rules that he came up with or maybe five beforehand. And then it's just but it just never comes back. Eight rules of dating my daughter, brother. One, be me. End of story.
00:16:16
Speaker
Only I get to date my daughter. The best rule rule number one, brother, never give an inch when you can take one. Oh, that's that's a sex tape there, buddy. I know. was like, wait, he just said rape right there. He said, you have a small penis. Take it in the butt.
00:16:31
Speaker
That's what he said. Well, he's saying they both have an inch because he says never give an inch when you can take one. So he's like, never be a top. Always be a bottom is what I heard. Yeah, yeah be my bottom because I have a one inch. We can put our one inches together and start a fire.
00:16:44
Speaker
Quick, let's do some nubbin' rubbin'. The subtitles for this. So this part, they give him a paintball gun and they all like go out to do this paintball match and he's like, let's roll. he puts marbles in there.
00:16:56
Speaker
The subtitles just said, we're out of here. I'm like, that's not even close. That's just him improv-ing, dude. He's he's over here zib-zapping all over this script, man. He's like, I would never say that. I'd be like, let's roll, brother. We're out of here. And I thought, I can judge that up. Let's roll.
00:17:12
Speaker
Ooh, like that. I've always thought of myself as a bit of a transformer rollout. That's exactly where my brain went. Can I get a writing credit now?
00:17:25
Speaker
ah How ah how am am I supposed to get into the WGA? Stallone did it. The Women's Golf? the writer The Writers Guild of America. Whitney was thinking, you got women's golf attitude.
00:17:39
Speaker
You got WGA. And then we get to see our next welcome back that isn't Hulk Hogan. And I was excited, but he's not in this movie enough, but he gets some good moments. That's true.
00:17:50
Speaker
Mr. Clint Howard. who He's using the moments he gets. Oh, he is killing the moments. I mean, like amazing moments. We only talked about him in Tix, right? And then on Haunted Tix Shots first, he has a cameo in ah ah Solo. Solo. But I think we've talked about him on a lot of episodes. Yeah.
00:18:11
Speaker
But talked about, I mean, movies he was in. Yeah. yeah you like we We chat about this. I'm Clint Howard. I'm Clint Howard. Put me in your movie. I'm raising my hand right now.
00:18:21
Speaker
um We didn't play, because we all know this was made for san ah for Hogan, right? Mr. Terry, whatever. Made for Santa. Made by Santa. Who would have done it better? Bicentennial.
00:18:35
Speaker
would have done it better? Anybody. Literally any In 1996, who would you have wanted to play Santa? Okay, let's say nowadays you just get The Rock and you call it a fucking Disney movie.
00:18:46
Speaker
Or John Cena. Someone who's alive, maybe someone who's dead, could have done it better. um Get some balls and put Carl Weathers in there. I know we weren't ready for a Black Santa in the 90s.
00:18:58
Speaker
No, we weren't, but i like Blacker Santa with muscles.
Casting Speculations and Antagonists
00:19:01
Speaker
Blacker Santa with muscles. Yeah, I mean, you could you could definitely put Arnold in this. I guarantee you someone was like, you think we can get Arnold? and then someone else in the room room just went...
00:19:15
Speaker
no It was, it was pitched for Arnold and they were like, yeah, I see your Arnold and I raise you a Hulk. Oh, you can get Lou Ferrigno? No.
00:19:26
Speaker
No. No. But clit howard is Clint Howard is playing a deputy, and like these guys are doing their paintball game and then just jump on dirt bikes and Hummers and start driving all willy-nilly. One of the dirt bikes drives right across his hood. and he's, by the way, Clint Howard, one of his two great moments here, and i want to say this feels like he improvised these,
00:19:49
Speaker
This one, he's just sitting in his car waiting to speed trap people. On a dirt road. I want to say he's speed trapping on a dirt road. He's sitting there with his little speed gun and he's just like, gotcha. p Yeah. And he's like, yeah blowing blowing in the like barrel of the radar gun. I'm like, okay. like my favorite My favorite one is later. moments he gets the Oh, the that's the best one. Oh, that is the best That's some good Cleo.
00:20:15
Speaker
We actually rewound it so he can see Cleo. Cleo. I love it. Derek got so excited right now. Cleo. I've got a great Cleo movie up here we should watch, guys. It's called Ice Cream Man.
00:20:28
Speaker
I'll watch Cleo anytime. Let's see it. o It's a good cover. You've been trying to get us to watch this for a couple years now. It's great. We'll do it. Maybe we'll do it in October. i don't have any plans. what are you doing?
00:20:41
Speaker
You guys want to do some horror movies? see we're still well Like as a people or as a podcast? People. As a podcast. Oh, i think he means ah I think he means as a nation or ah a- Society at least, the very minimum.
00:20:54
Speaker
A species. Good luck. We'll see what happens. Fingers crossed. Going numb. But I love that here Cleo is just like, oh, these guys ran over my car. i'm like I'm keeping it. He's like, they must be a militia or terrorists. And he like calls in. don't know why i did a phone. But he like calls in. He's like, send the sheriff. Send everybody you've got. need now.
00:21:17
Speaker
Send everybody. So all these cops are chasing. ah i almost said Arnold Schwarzenegger. i I could do this movie, but you do not have the money for it. I do like the one-liners. Don't stop and smell the roses. Smell my fist instead. i can't believe I didn't think of it. danny they they They can't get Arnold, so they just get fucking Jesse Ventura.
00:21:39
Speaker
Oh, I could do your movie. I could be Santa. Yeah, he, yeah I don't, I mean, Santa Claus probably has an accent, but America's not ready for that. Santa Claus.
00:21:52
Speaker
No, we've heard, we, we, no, he has a a perfect American accent. We heard it in hard target. All the rooms have been cleared. Well, then we heard him in Running Man where he's like, I guess I need to go count some steroids.
00:22:04
Speaker
he It's a perfect impersonation. He was putting an affectation on his voice, you know, putting little zuge on it for the audience. But Jesse Ventura, he's like, come here, little girl, sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas. Hey, sing that song about angels again, how you're my angel baby. I like that number. I'm an angel baby. Let's go dance for Christmas or whatever the song is. How come you've got a rat tail coming out of the back of your Santa hat?
00:22:32
Speaker
I've never seen Santa with a rat tail before. It's the fucking 90s, kid. No, sorry. It's Jesse Ventura. It's the 80s, kid. It's 1996. it's not. Listen here, little shit fucker. Why would I have sex with shit? Oh my God, that's disgusting, mister. What's a shit fucker?
00:22:53
Speaker
I assume Jesse. ah How do you shit a fuck? ah she Ask your mother when she made you. That's what she did. um I mean, I assume Jesse Ventura. I assume he curses at children.
00:23:08
Speaker
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I don't even like him, and I wouldn't curse at him. You get Jodan Baker in here, and he just makes the kids cry all day. over um um you just short-circuited my brain.
00:23:21
Speaker
Other than the muscles part, Jodan Baker would be perfect. Yeah, you just do Santa sano with Heinekens instead. Santa with Michelobes. Oh, you could have gotten fucking Yon-Claude Van Damme and done Santa from Brussels.
00:23:38
Speaker
Oh, no. I'm wearing silk underwears under here. Don't tell anybody. ah This is when we know the cops are chasing him and we learn rule number 20. Never surrender, brother.
00:23:49
Speaker
I mean, you're paintballing cops windows. Someone is going to get hurt. they're also gonna if you Luckily, you're white with a really bad tan because they would lit you up. Well, but with the tan and then the facial hair, I'm surprised they didn't think he was Muslim. so Yeah.
00:24:05
Speaker
But they are shooting at these cops with paintballs, which is insane because that's not how cops work. No, they're going to fire back at you. um print They do. They do fire back at him.
00:24:17
Speaker
I know, but they're going to actually hit something. They're using shotguns. I'm like, holy fuck, dude. No, they're stormtroopers. They're not hitting shit. I got the force, brother. Why am i the one bringing that up? I think we said something watching it because literally at one point he's like so they're like the car is right there. They're shooting at it and missing him. And I'm like, oh, it's because they saw the film cameras. So they knew they were supposed to miss. and That's my cue.
00:24:42
Speaker
But they drive by the sign that says 20 miles or whatever, five miles to the North Pole. I had no idea we were that close to the North Pole. my God. Especially because they're driving through the middle of the California desert. Oh, five miles, huh?
00:24:54
Speaker
This terrain is changing rapidly. They say global warming is not a thing. Aren't we in the salt flats and windows? um Mel Gibson show up. Oh, man. We don't want Mel Gibson here. He's going to be a real racist Santa Claus. I think you're getting mixed up because we watched Lethal Weapon right after this. Is it your fucking birthday? Are you celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah? You better not say Hanukkah. I'm saying Hanukkah. Oh, I'm saying it close.
00:25:17
Speaker
It's Hanukkah. Kwanzaa, sir. Oh, that's worse than Hanukkah. Oh, crikey. Get him, Jim Caviezel. says he He's got Jim Caviezel on a rope, much like ah like a fucking flail. He just launches Jim Caviezel of you and he bites you. Don't worry, I got a deal with Angel Studios. We'll make a movie out of this. The day Kwanza died.
00:25:39
Speaker
We'll just edit it out all the people of color. hey They don't cast them. Sorry. That's right. did They fixed it in pre.
00:25:49
Speaker
Well, i love like he sees the sign. and He's like, oh, we'll go to Lakeville. There's a million places to hide there. i grew up there, so I know. We're like, okay, cool. There's a good way to establish history, I guess.
00:26:00
Speaker
Okay, well, that's a good part of that story. um ah Sorry, I did remember that we watched Lethal Weapon. What I forgot until right now is Danny Glover in a tank top. Put him as Santa with muscles. Oh, yeah. Dude, Danny Glover could have given Carl Weathers a run for his money in that That's what i'm saying. like You never think of him as one of those buff guys. you know But in in the end of Lethal Weapon 1 when he's in just a tank top, it's like, good good God, sir.
00:26:23
Speaker
And now back. You don't look like you're getting too old for this shit. You look like you're getting too swole for this shit. Daddy had a booty. That's all i gotta say. Same year as Predators, so they were both doing being ripped that year. Yeah.
00:26:37
Speaker
That's what i had to be. All I want for Christmas is a ripped black actor. All right. Wesley Snipes is on his way. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! can't go wrong with any of those three. My God. There's there's Santa with muscles. Not 1987. I guess he was a skinny kid in 1987. Yeah.
00:26:53
Speaker
Or sorry. But this movie is 1996. This is. Yeah. And it's 96. You went. Sorry. I'm still thinking of Lethal Weapon. He was ripped as fuck at 96 because what is Blade is 98. So 98. Yeah. ninety nine I don't know.
00:27:04
Speaker
Yeah. ah Meanwhile, if we go to the mall, Santa Claus, you know, there's a Santa, which we're pretty sure is ah a welcome back mall. It's gotta be the mall from Phantom of the Mall. Is there a Phantom in the Mall? Some people might ask.
00:27:22
Speaker
Is there a Phantom in the Mall? It's just Hulk Hogan in a Santa Claus mask. It'll also be a mall featured in future episodes like Commando, Chopping Mall, ah etc.
00:27:36
Speaker
McBain with... ah is that Christopher Walken? No, no, no. The the one with Busey. beautyy Wasn't Busey? Oh, no, that was, again, Lethal Woman.
00:27:48
Speaker
yeah That one was the real, like, wait, wasn't Busey? We got to stop watching really good movies after we watch these ones because, man, it bleeds. But Santa is not showing up. This little cute blonde girl who i was going to look up, but it turns out she's not a character, is like, where the fuck is Santa? So she's like, I do like she calls on the walkie-talkie, and she's like, is there any news on Mr. Claus? And this guy is like, ah no, but I have a midget in a clown suit. Does that help?
00:28:15
Speaker
No. No, it does not. Thank you. You are very unhelpful. I know people out there that that's not the preferred word. It's what it was in the movie. Yes. Yes. we we we've We don't condone the M word.
00:28:28
Speaker
Don't at me. I'll at you anytime I want. And we go back to Hulk Hogan and we get rule number 21. When in doubt, get out. doubt oh And he just fucking dives out of this moving Humvee and leaves his fucking butler behind. i'm glad his butler grabs the wheel because otherwise this is a weapon.
00:28:46
Speaker
This is a very heavy, fast-going weapon. It's a lethal weapon. Don't you get me mixed up on your guys' as shit, too. I'm a lethal weapon. hooker is overdosing with her boobs out.
00:28:58
Speaker
And then she jumps off ah then she jumps off a balcony like Jenny should have in Forrest Gump. like just Should have? Well, yeah, it would have been a happier ending for Forrest. He know he never would have had a baby. Who else is going give him a baby? It's Alabama. And he's not smart like me. I mean, once he got his money, there's probably all kinds of chicks like throw a little yammy in me. I'm like, it's Alabama, dude. he could have felt He was smarter than half of them. It's going to be Alice Slammo when he's done.
00:29:28
Speaker
Must have had sex about 16 college, Carl's. I gave her my peas and carrots. She tasted like cigarettes. And I locked it. So he tucks and rolls.
00:29:40
Speaker
There's some cutting back and forth here. We meet ah Don Stark, who is playing Lenny, who is from that 70s show. He's Donna's dad. Bob. There you go Yeah, I was like Donna's dad. Donna's dad.
00:29:53
Speaker
I'm a nelf. I got a nelf hat. He's got his whole, i don't know if it's New York or Jersey or if it's a mixture. He's got a he's got to East Coast thing going on. He Hey, $50 for the one who's fine Santa. That would go good in my wallet.
00:30:07
Speaker
It's a Wisconsin accent. ah Sure. Yeah, that's very Wisconsin. That's what that 70s show would have, you believe. Hey, look at that. I'm going to make me a nice fluffy cheese casserole. I'm from Wisconsin.
00:30:21
Speaker
Give me a new galore. Go pack. Fuck the bears. Hey, we go to together like cheese and carrots. You can say that about anything. You can name me a dish, and I'll tell you how cheese makes it better. I'm from Wisconsin. A fluffy cheese casserole sounds horrendous. A fluffy cheese casserole is a state motto.
00:30:40
Speaker
What else goes into a cheese casserole? like i My face. More cheese. a Like there has to be something else. If I'm feeling a bit wild, I'll throw some olives in there. What?
00:30:55
Speaker
Maybe a nice anchovy. That's how we do it in Wisconsin. I mean, like, are there potatoes? you went full Charles Bronson. Exactly. Once you eat that casserole, boom, you did. I didn't know how to make this casserole, so I went to Tucson, like in that first movie. Guy gave me a gun. i was like, I can't eat this.
00:31:12
Speaker
Jeff Goldblum killed my wife, and she was the one that made the casserole. It was a little more than kill. Don't watch that movie if you don't want to know. Oh, that's right.
00:31:22
Speaker
Yeah. It's not great. Jeff Goldblum. I think that was Jeff Goldblum's first role. Good for him. I don't even know what you guys are talking about. oh the movie Death Wish. Jeff Goldblum plays a punk who...
00:31:36
Speaker
Makes grape Violates. Yeah. He makes grape juice and it murders Charles Bronson's wife and daughter. ah Boom. Jiminy crickets. Boom. I'm going to And then we also meet Ed Begley Jr. Now who is playing Mr. Frost.
00:31:53
Speaker
And he's doing. there're they So. ah thought Arnold Schwarzenegger played Mr. Frost. No, that's Mr. Freeze. Oh, please. Victor. Mr. Freeze is my father.
00:32:04
Speaker
It's I don't really know. So he's he's he doesn't like he's not germaphobic. It turns out. I thought he was germaphobic this whole movie because he doesn't want he stays in his room. He doesn't want. But as soon as he gets out into the world, all he's doing is sneezing. So I think he just has really bad allergies. No, he's not sneezing. That's just he starts getting sick because of all the germs that he is now attracting because and it's only once his suit is taken off. Oh, yeah, know that. That's why I was like, he starts sneezing. If he's a germaphobe, that immune system is compromised fuck. He's thousand percent.
00:32:39
Speaker
So they capture some dude a trap. What is this, smog? Outdoor air? Oh, my God, I'm dying. It is California. He captures some dude in a trap, and they're torturing him. And we meet his his sidekicks. So we have ah Dr. Blight. This is the worst Spider-Man rogues gallery I've ever seen. Heard.
00:33:01
Speaker
We have Dr. Blight, who's played by so a guy named Steve Valentine, who wasn't in a whole lot. I ended up looking him up and he's one of those guys. i can name you like three or four shows that I've watched where he does one episode. They're memorable roles. But I mean, like recently it it was a psych.
00:33:17
Speaker
He was a magician on the house once. and Oh, that's funny. He was a magician on Monk. I wonder if he's a magician. Shared universe. I thought he was just the, like, and he's not. We were watching it. I thought he was the dude we talked about I it was Fantastic Four, who's taking dr Doom's body, and then we went on a whole riff about Vincent Price and necro necrophilia. We just never go on things. Seven or eight minutes. we cannot we yeah We cannot tell if he's dead unless I put my tongue down his mouth and he doesn't move. This is how you know if body is dead.
00:33:53
Speaker
We've got the other three sidekicks here henchmen, whatever. ah yep, yeahp yep. So we have Dr. Flint played by Kevin West, who is like the most known one. ah He's showed up in. So he's he was in Super Mario Brothers.
00:34:09
Speaker
He's in Biodome. Gone in 60 Seconds. Junior. He's Leopardoptera. Well, that's not his name, but that's every time I see him, like that's Leopardoptera guy. He's the he's the skinny guy with the glasses and the salt and pepper, but bald head. Yeah, he's like an archaeologist who makes bad pens. you say a welcome back from Houseguest? Did you say that and I didn't hear it?
00:34:29
Speaker
No, i didn't I didn't. Like I said, I didn't really look everybody up. He's definitely a welcome back from Houseguest. Yeah, he is. he Oh, he's the fucking wine. Oh, yes. venophile. Yeah, okay. Sorry, I'm just glancing at their IMDb and reading their top points. No, just enjoy that movie more than most people.
00:34:46
Speaker
If you don't believe me, go back and listen to our episode. Because even the person that brought it to us was like, eh, don't watch it. It's a podcast first. I love that he's taught he's playing Mr. Flint, and he's like an archaeologist who for some reason is one of these villains. And has he ice cream. they They all have like these really crazy comic book villain lines. Like like his his villain name would be the archaeologist because he goes up and like dust some or put some powder on the dude's face or whatever. And he's like, you'll make a very interesting fossil.
00:35:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:19
Speaker
It's already getting hard. Oh, I know why he has to be an archaeologist. To open the door. No, with a fucking welding torch. or Yeah, but he knew where to weld. That's so stupid. he was His point was to be like, how do we get these crystals out? Spoils, by the way. There's crystals.
00:35:41
Speaker
Spoiler, Santa Claus with muscles fights a wizard. Yeah. Or at least Derek would lead you to believe that. That was, look, I looked up pictures. I looked like a wizard.
00:35:52
Speaker
We'll get there. And we have ah Dr. Vile, who is played by a dude named Kai Efron. Yeah, I looked him up, and he's most known for being location manager.
00:36:05
Speaker
He quit acting. I'm looking at his his seven acting roles and I've never heard of any of them. Oh, actually, that's not true. Oh, ah I have this one on 4K. No, I don't. I've never seen it. But his last acting role was in 2000's Shriek, if you know what I did last Friday the 13th. So one of them spoof things where it's like, so full they're doing a scream slash I know what did last summer slash Friday the 13th kind of like spoof thing. No, thank you.
00:36:35
Speaker
No, i that's why I never watched it. Even the poster is like a straight scream ripoff. hmm. You know, shriek so he played counselor and that which also features Coolio, by the way, apparently. OK, you know what? Next time leave with that because I'm a little intrigued. Yeah.
00:36:52
Speaker
The only other thing I was going to mention because I just pulled it up is in 1995, he was in a movie called Flesh Suitcase. Oh, I don't know what that's about, but that's pretty fucking cool. Directed by Bill Z.A. Bub.
00:37:05
Speaker
teeth i don't know. Flesh Suitcase. That's all I know. Followed up by teeth. Double feature. Let's go. ah You watch teeth and feet as a double feature and just really fuck your brain up for the week.
00:37:17
Speaker
You're not wrong. Just what I need. And then we have Ms. Watt, who is played by diane Robin. Oh, did I say Dr. Vile, by the way, is like a chemist. He's a Canadian chemist, they specify. And he loves methane gas. His line is, ah some people find methane gas offensive. I think of it as nature's perfume. And then he sprays methane all over this dude.
00:37:41
Speaker
It is quite nice, I tell you. And then Mrs. Watt is the most of these three is the most of an actress. yeah I mean, it's a it's a that guy actress. but She's and not Cate Blanchett. Oh, yeah. She's 123 roles, including ah playing Connie, who I don't remember from Whatever It Takes. So she's a welcome back. Okay. Yeah, don't remember Connie.
00:38:07
Speaker
I'm sure it was like a half a scene. wonder if she was the mom that was going to get ah used by the guy. ah Same year as this, she was in an episode of Renegade. Are we going to have a crossover? Season five is when he's wearing that wig.
00:38:24
Speaker
It's awful. It's beautiful. Of course, she's on silk stockings also. But apparently she has an appearance of some sort in RoboCop and Sudden Death.
00:38:36
Speaker
Oh, o so so she'll be back again yeah yeah for each of those. Yeah, exactly. And she has she's the femme fatale, but literally because she has like ah the power glove from the wizard, except for she like rewired it. So electric style.
00:38:55
Speaker
Yeah. Little tickle fingers. Yeah, she saw Star Wars and she was like, I could do that. I could tickle. i could tickle if I want to. I could tickle you a little behind.
00:39:07
Speaker
so Hogan is sneaking around. But if your friends don't tickle, then I don't want to tickle with them. There's no pickle of mine. Look at the Look,
00:39:18
Speaker
a thing. It's plane. Geeks with beard. Do you like action? How about a little comedy? Join the Geeks with Beards podcast when I ask the question, why people like Magneto? What the, babe?
00:39:33
Speaker
We cover all the areas, golden, silver, bronze, and modern. Then you need to check out the Geeks with Beards podcast, available on all streaming sites right now. Geeks with Beards.
00:39:43
Speaker
Hey, mister, I got an extra $3. I was wondering if there's any way you know I can spend it. Have you heard of Patreon? Never heard of it. how where What is it? You go to patreon.com slash worstpeople, give me your $3, and you can listen to a bunch of stuff that's way too inappropriate for your age. Oh, but I'm actually out pretty old. I just let sound like this. It's like a Benjamin Button thing. But anyway, I was going to ask you, what if I got my mom to give me a couple more bucks and I could get you know give you more money? Oh, that's even better. You can get ad free $5. $5? You also can get access to Latchkey Vids, our TV recap show of forgotten 90s garbage. Oh my God. I even don't even know what that is, but I'm excited for it. You should be. So $5 is all I need. Then I get no more of these commercials. No more commercials. No more commercials. Oh boy. You get to hear us talk about a singing cop show and more.
00:40:30
Speaker
Well, golly gee willikas, Mr. and Miss. Thanks for all the information. I'm going to go see if I can find a mom to give me $5. Let's go beat that kid up and take his $5.
Supporting Characters and Humor
00:40:41
Speaker
So Hogan is sneaking around in the back rooms of the mall trying to find somewhere to hide. And he finds a Santa suit. So he dresses up like Santa. Luckily, it's his size because, you know, all Santas are this size.
00:40:53
Speaker
And it has a built in like stomach punch. So obviously there Santa wasn't actually a fat guy because you get to see also enormous. You get to see Hogan with a stomach punch before 2001. So that's pretty cool.
00:41:07
Speaker
Oh fuck I shouldn't hit all that pork before i went on to play Santa Rule number 38 Don't have too much fucking pork I'm about to go eat some more pork Just don't make a sex tape right after apparently Or do heyo Or do It's during dad I'm not in charge that's That's the sexiest sex tape ever Just feeding pork loin to people I find pastrami to be the sexiest of all the cured salted meats Why is that?
00:41:35
Speaker
Why do you find high heels sexy? They just are. Jack has this cute like little elf thing going on on his ear. It's super cute. I like that. I love it. You're Santa.
00:41:46
Speaker
Deal with it. I went from being an elf to Santa. That's a hell of a promotion in one day. Santa is an santa is a Santa is a German who enslaves elves.
00:41:57
Speaker
No, the Vindicum actually welcomed him in. Thank you. He got lost in a snowstorm. So they're like Ewoks and he's C-3PO. Yeah. Oh, that's a much better analogy.
00:42:10
Speaker
ah So clint Clint Howard and this other cop find Hulk Hogan dressed as Santa. And it's like, oh, excuse me, Santa. Have you seen a crazy guy in army fatigues? And he's like, definitely haven't, brother. Rule number 47. Never talk to pigs.
00:42:27
Speaker
ah Rule number 52, ACAB, brother. I was to say, I got another one for you, brother. Do you know acronyms very well? ACAB, in this case, by the way, is all Clint's are bastards. Hey, that's not very nice. You know who my dad is? He's the father of Ron Howard.
00:42:46
Speaker
ah my dad was a term vertical terminosity with charlie she My dad was in was in Tix.
00:42:58
Speaker
With me. My dad got my mom pregnant and made a couple of sons. And then one of them's really good. The other one's me. It's, oh my God, it's twins. One of them's a mediocre director, but then he made a daughter who's also a mediocre director. I don't know I can call Ron Howard a mediocre director. He's very hit and miss. Go back through that. I'm not saying he's not hit and miss, but he's got some more than mediocre.
00:43:24
Speaker
But he gives himself away because some little kid finds him. This little kid's dad brings him into the back rooms of the mall, which, fuck you, first of all. oh Finally, we found you. yeah because I'm back here in the staging area. I'm back here with my beard off smoking a cigar and drinking this gin. What do you fucking want? But he's like, he gives them the kids like, here's my list. And it's this big, long list. And he's like, ah why don't you fax it to me? You fucking brat.
00:43:49
Speaker
So Clint Howard's like, that seems weird. So they chase him down. He hides in a trash chute and somebody starts dumping trash down it. And this is the impetus for the whole movie because the guy dumping trash down is like, let's just throw away this entire ceramic Santa down the trash chute.
00:44:06
Speaker
um But he does have like his fatigue pants like tucked in behind his pants. That's just my bandana I left hanging out. Santa likes to represent for Desert Storm, if you know what i'm saying, brother.
00:44:17
Speaker
There you go. Lenny finds him and his wallet full of cash. And I just love... So here's why i wrote it Blake Thorne. He opens his wallet and he's like, break Blake Thorne, the richest man in 10 states. um Which 10 states?
00:44:32
Speaker
ah The surrounding ones. So he's the richest man in California. Oklahoma, Idaho. no Well, this is California. so right so California. It would be California, Oregon,
00:44:45
Speaker
nevada Montana, Idaho, Wyoming. You're getting way away. No. Yeah. I'm thinking like not popular, heavily popular. He's the richest man in 10 states. What are the 10 poorest states?
00:44:57
Speaker
Yeah. And then also California. Yeah. Just say you're the richest, like one of the richest men in California. Just say the richest man California. We'll you covered after that. That gives us plenty of precedence. It's enough.
00:45:10
Speaker
Hogan wakes up. He's got memory loss. So Lenny is like, oh, hey, Santa. Oh, yeah. He's like, I don't know who I am. you know your name? ah Hey, you're Santa Claus. Boom. Go talk to these kids. Put some kids in your lap. People trust you because you're a stranger. Santa doesn't feel like my name.
00:45:29
Speaker
It is. Look at you. And then it shows him in the mirror. Do you think he believes that you think Hogan knows the beard is fake? Yeah, he knows the beard is fake because he ends up he takes it off in like the next scene. Okay.
00:45:44
Speaker
I don't know who Susan is in this movie. I'm assuming she's probably one of the kids. No. Susan may be the... She was born in... nineteen i just saw. She born in one of the kids. is she Asian?
00:45:58
Speaker
Yes. There was that little girl that she was like, okay, so I want a tea party and I want this doll and I want this doll and I need this doll. And don't forget, I need this also. And i like a true Californian. She was a good little shit bird though. She was a good little shit bird. It wasn't annoying. It was well done. She's she's in a bunch of shit.
00:46:19
Speaker
I just, I saw her on here. Brenda Song. She's most recently in Zootopia 2 setting fucking records. Did you say that's Brenda Song? Yeah. That's Macaulay Culkin's wife.
00:46:30
Speaker
That's London from Sweet Life. oh oh good for her. That's Winston's ex-girlfriend from New Girl. Yeah, good for her because she's but she's fucking gorgeous. Look at that. Yeah, Brenda Song is gorgeous.
00:46:44
Speaker
Oh my God, that is insane. Brenda Song and Mila Kunis were in this and they were both married to Macaulay Culkin. Put that in the fucking trivia. Ooh, I'm doing it.
00:46:54
Speaker
Do it. like ding ticket to that But so he he does mall Santa stuff. And that so I think it's it's not her. It's not Brenda's song. So it's it's one of the other girls because she's like, I want. ah And she's like, she's doing like a little circle. And he's like, a golf ball.
00:47:13
Speaker
a golf ball No. A pocket knife? No. An electric razor? No. All right, well, take the picture, get the fuck out of here. It reminded me of the Christmas Story when he's like stuttering and shit, then he finally says he wants the like he holds onto the slide, he's like, a red rider rifle or whatever the fuck it is He's like, you'll shoot your eye out, kid, and pushes him down.
00:47:35
Speaker
that I didn't have that. By the way, best part of that whole movie, by the way, santa cla does Santa Claus just saying, ho, ho, ho, and pushing a kid down a slide with his foot.
00:47:47
Speaker
All of a sudden, Derek wanted to play Santa out of nowhere. i say it I say that all the time to people. People will just be like, ho, ho, ho.
00:47:58
Speaker
But there's these two punks running around the mall. I found Brenda Song because I was trying to find who the punks were. There's a guy credited as Baldy and a guy credited as Nose Ring. so I'm going to assume that's the ah the hold You never heard the stories of Baldy and Nose Ring? They have this great they have this great plan to take this big candy ball bulb bowl of money. It's a donation thing. And shove it in their shirt and run away. But, of course, the ball falls out and smashes everywhere. So it's like, we're going to grab this money. We're donating it. remembera And Brenda Song is the one that's like, Santa!
00:48:34
Speaker
Santa! Yeah, it's like a donation thing for the mission, which is how he then learns about the mission, which is also apparently the orphanage. um Baldi, by the way, is kind of an actor. He's been 17 things. He's a stuntman now.
00:48:52
Speaker
But he shows up as credited as actor, probably as a stuntman, but he gets an actor credit in ah John Carpenter's Vampires. um s Spy Kids 2, Too Fast, Too Furious, Once Upon a Time in Mexico. likes the sequels.
00:49:07
Speaker
So he's he's doing stuff. Planet Terror. But all of his stuff is like he's soldier number one, male male antagonist number two. He's probably a vampire in the John Carpenter's Vampires. Right. The other guy doesn't have a picture, so I'm going to assume. Oh, yeah, he's known for Santa with muscles.
00:49:23
Speaker
That's not a good look. It's it's not a good sign. And that's it. So this shouldn't be anyone's number one movie. They were just friends. And he's like, yo, I got us a gig. Let's just do this with me. He showed up to set with cocaine for a Hulk Hogan and they was like, hey, we need someone who looks like a piece of shit. That's that's you, brother. Hire this guy for nose ring.
00:49:42
Speaker
You can call him that. It's bunch of people that all sell coke together. I call it my nose ring. They get busted by who we're going to assume is Brenda's song. It is. It's the only other person with melanin in their skin other than I love. will And I think it's ah oh, we got Clayton coming up later.
00:50:00
Speaker
Santa comes up. He's like, hey, what the fuck you doing, brother? are You stealing this money? And Nose Ring is the one that's like, what are you going to do? Give me a lump of coal. Santa fucking socks him in the face. He's like, how about two lumps and socks him one more time? It's good one liner. We need more of it.
00:50:15
Speaker
That's the best one liner in the whole movie. It is. he's playing He's playing it too serious. like he's He's bringing a straight man performance to a movie called Santa with Muscles. Yeah. Yeah.
00:50:27
Speaker
mistake. So Hulk Hogan. Hulk. Hulk Hogan. So Hulk Hogan.
00:50:34
Speaker
Hulk Hogan. I'm going to tell you an Irish Christmas story. There's never never been a man who came down the chimney because didn't fucking dad. And luckily the chimney was never burning. So he suffocated inside of there. Some people open gifts. Some people open wrists.
00:50:47
Speaker
Isn't that? That is. Okay. Gremlin. So Santa Claus beats the shit out of these two dudes and all the people in the mall, including the chil or the children's parents, are just cheering him on. Fuck yeah, dude. Because they were stealing from a little old sleeping lady. They deserve to get their asses kicked.
00:51:06
Speaker
Well, she kind of deserved it because even after they get their asses kicked and the entire mall is screaming and cheering, she's still asleep. so She deserves it. She's an old lady. The company that hired her should have put somebody else there. They got Martha working such fucking long hours, dude.
00:51:22
Speaker
I would barely call this working. No, this is her night gig, dude. She pulled landscaping duty all day because she was complaining about her fingers hurting. So they were like, all well, go landscaping. When you're done, go sit in the fucking mall. Now your back's going to hurt. Now your butt's going to hurt because you're going to be sitting in the mall all day. Anybody else's fingers hurt? I didn't think so. Anybody else's butt hurt?
00:51:43
Speaker
So he sees the kids like all watching him, and he's like, ah see kids, it pays to be nice. And I'm like, you just beat the shit out of dudes. I don't think that's the message you're passing on. they were being naughty. This is going the most efficient Santa we've ever i guess that's fair. Because if you get in the naughty list, he's going fucking beat you up.
00:51:59
Speaker
Naughty, you don't get a lump of coal. You get the fucking shit kicked out of you. You get two lumps of justice in your face. Lumps of justice is what Captain America calls his balls.
00:52:11
Speaker
Okay. This is America's ass. These are the lumps of justice. I was going to teabag you and knocked you out, but we we're not English anymore. So I can't teabag you because then you'll just throw me in the Boston Harbor.
00:52:26
Speaker
ah So he sees the sign that says save the mission. And he's like, we should go there. So Lenny goes to take him there. And I love his thing. He's like, well, if I'm Santa Claus, where the fuck's my sleigh? And Lenny's like, it's in the shop.
00:52:37
Speaker
I got something better. So they jump on a fucking Vespa and you've got Hulk Hogan and Donna's dad riding a Vespa through a mall parking lot. And it's one of the funnier things I've seen recently. If you get a little nervous, just put your hands down the front of my pants and hold on.
00:52:51
Speaker
ah don't mind one bit, Santa. It's going to be a bumpy ride. can i go with the If you feel anything you can hold on just grip it hard. ah ah It's the joystick of justice.
00:53:06
Speaker
You want to go left? Pull it left. You want to go right? Pull it right. You want me to get off? Pull it straight up. I think we're going to have a Death Wish month one of these days.
00:53:16
Speaker
No, I won't be able to do the accent all of a sudden. I get of nowhere. You'll get the yips. You'll get the yips, sir. Boom, you're dead. There's five of them. Six if you include the remake. so I do.
00:53:29
Speaker
Oh, Bruce Willis. Yeah, not great. We saw it in theaters. It was okay. It was fine. I watched it. it's It's not great. It's okay. I watched it. I mean, it's Bruce Willis and it's Death Wish. So I was like, I don't hate it.
00:53:42
Speaker
I mean, you knew what you were in for. Bruce Willis machine guns a bunch of dudes. What else? What else would you possibly be in for? Did he say Yippee Buckets Mother Hubbard? It was just weird because in the original, Charles Bronson is like a real estate developer who learns about guns from Arizona, surprise, and then kills people. This one, he's like a doctor who starts killing people. And i'm like, this makes so much less sense.
00:54:03
Speaker
I don't remember that. I don't want him to be doctor. I know. I don't remember that part. I remember a hotel or a motel. I think you might be thinking of John Wick. No, it's not John Wick. There's another one where there's like a a motel where somebody is getting stitched up inside the room. Universal Soldier.
00:54:22
Speaker
Yes. You have fucked with me that much that I now... You're thinking of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. So we've learned a little bit more about Mr. Frost at this point because Ed Begley Jr., they're torturing this dude. and ah Thanks for selling me whatever coffee shop or something. Dr. Blight is like, I don't think this guy's going to give in. He's not going to sell. And then in the background, you just hear, I'll sell! I'll sell! so so And he's like, well, now there's only one obstacle left. The orphanage. Crinkle hands. Let's do the Mr. Burns fingers.
00:54:58
Speaker
We have the science goons go off. It's like a shitty Captain Planet.
00:55:03
Speaker
We've got wind, electricity, geology, and fart. Okay, hold on. Geology is Earth. fart Fart is wind or air. Okay. Yeah. um
00:55:18
Speaker
electricity's fire electricity it's the closest it's the closest we'll call start fire it starts fires and then earth what is he just a mathematician earth wind fire the scientist was he water heart which one was fire or a water we still have water and heart so i guess blight the scientist would be heart because he doesn't have water ed begley jr would be water because he's mr frost There we go. Okay, there we go. And when their forces combine, they make... ah The most disgusting Captain Planet you've ever heard of. The Iron Sheik, and then ah Hulk Hogan has to fight him. Oh no, he's got him in a camel clutch.
00:55:57
Speaker
A camel toe clutch. I'm in for that hold. I'm watching. I'm surprised he hasn't tapped out yet. It's been an hour and a half. His nose is even, he can't get his nose out. How is he breathing? Are we sure he's alive? He breathes out of his sphincter. He watched a Japanese video once and now he knows how to do it.
00:56:15
Speaker
So they roll up in an ice cream truck to harass the orphanage. Should have thrown fucking remix of the song. to turn to du to dinner and don't to um Garrett Morris, who is playing Clayton.
00:56:29
Speaker
And then... Garrett Morris, most people would probably know from a very early SNL career. Yeah, was the first person to ever play Ant-Man. He was in a he's been in a bunch of stuff. He's one of those guys that you'll recognize. um Coneheads, How High, SNL, of course. ah Yeah, he was he was in Ant-Man because of his portrayal of Ant-Man and SNL.
00:56:53
Speaker
And then the thing that we were thinking of last night was the family guy bit we ended up figuring out where it's like ah you need ah translations for the deaf and hard of hearing. And a little window pops up in the corner and it's just him going. Hello, i am you know, whatever. And he's just screaming. um I'm looking for, I'm looking for my bedroom. I'm looking for my bedroom. my most known for him is ah i Two Broke Girls. Like he plays Earl in Two Broke Girls. I was like, I'm glad you stopped saying obviously. Yeah, you were about to say obviously. i Because like you might be one of 10 people that would know him from that more than anything.
00:57:36
Speaker
i did No, I said that's where I get him from. But you started saying obviously and then you stopped, which is a good move. It's a good move. We're giving you credit for that. thank you. Yeah. yeah Because I've seen between you watching that show, I've probably seen a grand total of one episode. And I love I love Kat Denning. she yeah I like Kat Denning. I just that shows writing doesn't look like it's meant for me. And that's not to say it sucks. It just means it's not meant for me. No, it's not. It's one that you just have on for background.
00:58:04
Speaker
That's what I call porn. And then we have Leslie Morgan who runs the, john are house not that you know of, it's on in the bedroom. He's like, I'm just looking at Facebook guys. I just gotta keep my numbers up.
00:58:17
Speaker
It's his porn account on Reddit. Um, Derek's got letter box. Well, I have letter in your box. So we meet Leslie Morgan, who is the person who runs the orphanage, played by a woman named Robin Curtis. She's in, of course, as you guys would know, to to pull a Whitney line, of course, Blood Fist 6, Ground Zero with Don the Dragon Wilson. Of course.
00:58:39
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. Blood Fist 1 through 5 are groundbreaking. But she's here, and she runs an orphanage. Kind of. She's not. She's not. Garrett Morrison, Garrett Morris, ah the Clayton, his name is. He tries to stop or he's doing something. Oh, he's trying to stop the ice cream truck from getting away. And he stands in front of it front of it. Yeah. Yeah.
00:59:00
Speaker
And they almost hit him. ah Hulk Hogan shows up just in time, grabs a chain that's hanging off the back and stops the truck. You must be thinking I'm yanking your chain, brother. This chain was attached to a statue that was outside of the orphanage, by the way.
00:59:15
Speaker
And they this ice cream truck that they have, they use this chain to pull down the statue, and then that's the chain that Hulk Hogan... oh so they I missed a little bit because I was trying to write stuff down. Because the beginning of this movie is rapid fire. It's insane. I was trying to write stuff down. So they were trying to sit on Hussein, a statue out in front of the orphanage.
00:59:34
Speaker
ah It's just a statue of Garrett Morris. like Take that down. He ends up telling Santa, I'm just going to say Santa, about and i've been pitching for hours now Mr. Dr. Frost, whatever, trying to clear out the neighborhood.
00:59:50
Speaker
With Eric Roberts. I'd watch it. He's beautiful in that video, by the way. they Finally watched it. Well, you were at the house. you We were at your house. yeah I don't think you were actually watching it. No, I was watching. I saw all 10 seconds of him.
01:00:03
Speaker
Every 10 seconds. There's like five seconds of him. Every 10 seconds. It's like. They were just like, Eric Roberts, would you like to show up and act like you're rich and feed grapes to women? And he was like, Yep.
01:00:15
Speaker
youp Sign me up twice. Do I get to sleep with one of them later? That's up to her. Me? Got it. You said feed grapes to them? Isn't that what I'm doing in them Stocked by the Doctors movies? Oh, you actually mean grapes. Don't be putting grapes her mouth. You don't mean like them guys from that Bad Movies, Worst People podcast who talk about grapes. I don't eat raisins because you know what happens. a raisin is just a grape that got too old. And I don't like my grapes old.
01:00:42
Speaker
ah like I like them young. I don't want a wrinkly one. But he tells Santa about the whole Frost plan, and then Santa's line is, sounds like a very knotted boy, brother. He doesn't say brother once in this movie. Why do Santa keep calling me brother?
01:00:57
Speaker
But this is towards the end of his acting career. It's on the later side, so he's trying to get away from that wrestling persona, brother. oh maybe that's why he's trying That's why he's playing a straight man. Did he really think that he was going to have an acting gig after wrestling?
01:01:12
Speaker
You know, he wanted to. He had a whole TV show. He had a reality show. No, he had an action television show. We'll be talking about it one day on Latchkey Vids called Thunder in Paradise. The 90s were fucking crazy for TV. People were just like things. People are like, you have an idea. Ninety three episodes.
01:01:31
Speaker
Yep. Because it was the budding of all these brand new channels and shit. So like we need content. So Elizabeth, the little girl is like, can we keep him, please? And Leslie is like, she's he's not a dog. And then it's Lenny who's like, we don't really have anywhere to stay. So if you want to keep us, that's fine. Lenny's <unk>y's down on his luck because he's like a a gambling junkie, I'm assuming. well So we find out he owes money to Frost and he owes probably money to other people. That's why he wants the money from Hulk Hogan.
01:02:02
Speaker
Yeah. Also, he wants to stay in her room. And this little kid, Taylor, who is one of the three orphans. So we talked about Mila Kunis. We talked about the Elizabeth girl. Taylor is Adam Wiley. Most known from picket fences, I would say.
01:02:19
Speaker
Yeah, Picket Fences. um His second highest known for on IMDb is the Swan Princess, so it's a voice. And then also I'm seeing like ah The King and i Arcane, a bunch of animated stuff. Oh, yeah, he's a total voice guy, but we've seen this guy in numerous... i i've He's a that guy because he is... I do not want to say what I said well oh no when I saw his adult picture. Whitney looked at his his adult picture and was like, well, he didn't get better.
01:02:47
Speaker
ah Thank you. this kid This kid looks like a freak, and I'm going to say it because I don't care. so sort of Some sort of goblin He looks like he should be driving a black van with zero windows.
01:03:00
Speaker
Well, let's that's not start. That's a little van-cist because, I mean... I said zero windows. Yeah, that's the dream. ah Can you help me move this couch into the back of my van? You know what camping you could do without windows? a great big fat person?
01:03:14
Speaker
she great big old fat person? Their clothes need to be cleaned and fixed because they're all torn up from the confrontation. Of course I can stay in this orphanage. There's only three kids. That we see. The rest are chained up. Dude, this is a pretty big building. I'm pretty sure there's slave children. That building. It's big enough to fit more than three kids. yeah They rent out the the children for labor.
01:03:35
Speaker
Maybe, yeah. They sell them to the ice cream factory. Oh, they're all at the church? Oh, no, the church is part of the building. Never mind. Yeah, the church is part of the thing. Oh, they all got lost in the catacombs. so There it is. They get turned into crystals by the space wizard.
01:03:50
Speaker
Yes! Okay. underground The underground cave wizard turns all the kids into crystals. I'm in on it again. So Lenny is wearing a small animal pajama, and then hulk Hogan is wearing what I'm going to assume is supposed to be like a Wiseman thing, but all I could think was Obi-Wan.
01:04:06
Speaker
Oh, no. he's Yeah, it's definitely a wizard's robe more than, yes, it is supposed to be a Wiseman, but come on. He is Obi-Wan. That Wiseman's got a lightsaber. Hello there, brother. There is another brother.
01:04:18
Speaker
ah These are not the roids that you're looking for. Did you say roids? No, I said droids. You heard me. Everyone heard heard me say it. Ah, the WWF. You'll never find a worse hive of scum and villainy. ah Ah, the McMahon Thanksgiving dinner. You'll never find a worse hive of scum and villainy. I don't like you.
01:04:41
Speaker
My fists don't like you either. ah And then in the morning, they go to breakfast, and Hogan is not wearing his beard and freaks the kids out for a second. Mrs. Claus said it was itchy.
01:04:54
Speaker
mrs claus says it tickles so i only wear it for deliveries and jack being the not piece of shit that he is it's a christmas movie before but it's a christmas movie so you were like oh he made a kissing reference my first thought was no it's it's it's tickling her asshole so i as a guy with a beard that's kind of a our go-to move isn't it Just saying.
01:05:20
Speaker
When a man has a mustache, it's his way of telling you he likes the way you taste. This is at least the this might be the first time, but it's one of at least two or three times where somebody this time it's Leslie is like, don't I know you from somewhere to Hulk Hogan? u And because this is the one where Lenny is everything.
01:05:38
Speaker
ah um but Bob here what's his name the the fucking elf charles Charles Bronson he has like a full on breakfast with eggs and ham and bacon and shit but when he sees the Blake Flakes or whatever the fuck they're called and he realized like oh shit his face is on there he starts dumping the cereal he's like hey it's good this way you should try it this is delicious whoop all out of cereal you can't try it I'm just gonna go put this in the recycling bin dude he's like rolling up this box of cereal like a fucking joint and stuffing it underneath his arm i'm like what are you doing nobody could see the face man yeah he doesn't want them to see hogan's face on it because he's still trying steal his money i haven't kidnapped that guy i love it the like at the beginning of this movie jack was like he's gonna be a secret real elf and then he tries to steal hogan's wallet and whitney was like Okay.
01:06:31
Speaker
That's how it starts. He does kind of become a real elf by the end this. Yeah, does. I'm a real elf. oh I'll fucking steal it again. And I love that he's like, ah recycling, kids. It's just the right thing to do. And Hogan's like, i mean, he's not wrong. so he's He's a bit weird with his breakfast, but he's not wrong.
01:06:52
Speaker
ah So then he thinks to steal. Oh, so we didn't mention at the mall earlier, he tried to use Hogan's ATM card. And these ATMs work with a thumbprint?
01:07:03
Speaker
Big fat question mark. When you're the richest man in 10 states. Well, hi, Blake Thorne. We're the richest man in 10 states. Please put your left thumb for a fingerprint. So he thinks to steal the glass that Hulk Hogan is drinking from. He's like, that'll be perfect. It's got the thumbprint on it. That's not how that works. I know it's yeah as gonna say i know it's like stupid to nitpick, but you got to pull that thumbprint off with some sort of Tom Cruise Mission Impossible tape and then transfer it to something fucking 3D printed on your own thumb.
01:07:34
Speaker
I'm sorry, you used your left or right thumb. I need your left thumb. So then just turn it backwards. That's what ends up happening, but i did i did laugh, though. and it's It's awful. It's really stupid, but it made me laugh. As a big Stanley Kubrick 2001 fan, it's playing the also Sprak-Tarathustra song, like the bomb. but pop ah when he's I can't help you with that withdrawal, Dave.
01:08:00
Speaker
But when he sees Hogan drinking out of the glass, that's what's playing in his head. I'm like, that sounds about right for this guy. Because he just found his, his he's going to change his ways. He's going to pull out whatever the max amount of cash you could pull from an ATM is going to be. $500. was going to say, it would be $500.
01:08:17
Speaker
But back, you know, with this with this thumbprint technology, it might be $5 million. We don't know. That's fair. ATMs often have $5 million dollars cash, right? Yeah. Especially at the mall. Especially at that. Well, this mall might.
01:08:32
Speaker
Morgan Fairchild who goes here, dude. That's fair. Again, I mentioned something from a minute ago, like there, when ah the cute little blonde girl I was talking about, we were talking about the mall being the mall from Phantom of the Mall. And Jack goes, I'm waiting for Morgan chair Fairchild to walk in. And this girl, blonde girl walks in and Whitney was like, there she is. did It's the ghost of her. It's a much, much, much younger Morgan Fairchild. But with it looks like what I can tell all her original parts.
01:08:59
Speaker
Yeah, before all the the plastic was added. This girl still has a nose that she can wear glasses. They don't just fly off her face. Correct. She doesn't have to polish her face. so She can actually just watch it.
01:09:14
Speaker
She doesn't look like she's going to be giving speeches at the White House for Trump anytime soon. Not that Fairchild did that. No, Trump would try and take her as his next wife because the other one... She's beautiful. No one's ever given better speeches. The other one got disappointed because she's not from America. She's with the talking and the words and the... Is that good? Is that enough?
01:09:34
Speaker
Does she know I'm famous? Because you know what they let you do when you're famous. This is the first first wife that we don't get anything from, by the way. Hasn't even been a year, guys. it's I mean, you're number five. Moving on. Let's make me laugh. So Mila Kunis has ah like redesigned Hulk Hogan's clothing in kind of a drop plot line that she wants to be ah she wants to be like a designer because she's looking at magazines and stuff. So I think that's kind of the dropped thing here. Hey, kid, you're in the wrong movie. You should go be in garbage pails.
01:10:02
Speaker
What they call fashion is nothing. I own it on Oh, look at that. I got it on 4K for my wife because Whitney wanted it. I was like, I'm not going to buy that. It's garbage. And she was like, but I want it. And I was like, well, at least it won't break my collection. And it completed your collection. I'm sorry. No, it completed his collection. Fuck you very much.
01:10:21
Speaker
Well, no, when he told me, I was like, you can't deny her that. Like all the stupid shit you buy. Like when she asked for one movie, you're like, it would be a dick husband move if he was like, no, we're not getting garbage pill kids. I'm buying Blood Fist Fury 9. I don't know if this video is good or this episode is gonna be video or not, but look behind me, zero of these are for her.
01:10:41
Speaker
The one i just dropped on the floor is hers. Ooh, we got to buy a new one. That one broke. Luckily, I don't plan on selling that part of the collection. so yeah um But she she brings it in and she's like, oh, I gave it a more continental look. And basically like she cut off the sleeves. yeahp she She opened up the chest to show little bit of fucking a man man cleavage. yeah Yeah, she made his pants spandex. Spandex, dude. that's was like, man, we are just sexing up Santa, which, you know,
01:11:11
Speaker
Sure. Not mad at sexy Santa. The sexiest Santa is Violet Knight. We do get the newspaper and the news reporter who show up both referring to him as Santa with muscles. Uh-huh. The news report cracked me up, dude, because he doesn't know what to say.
01:11:29
Speaker
So ah the news reporters asked him, how did you get here? And he's looking over at Lenny, who's pantomiming. He's like, I guess I think i I held my hands up and I flew here. No, that's not it. ah a Reindeer. i wrotede a i rode a rein I rode a horse. I rode a reindeer horse. i read A sleigh. I had the sleigh. Well, how did you get so big?
01:11:48
Speaker
I eat the reindeer. Dude, that had me rolling. I was like, this whole, like, I can't work in front of a camera thing isn't nearly funny enough. Like, it you know, I think of, like, Talladega Nights, right? Like, I don't know what do with my hands. Like, it's very funny. He just starts flexing. I don't know what to do with my biceps. I'm sorry. But then when he says, i eat the reindeer meat, I was just like, all right.
01:12:13
Speaker
All right, Santa. Santa with muscles, I see you. It's good. It's veal. It's just the babies. I eat the baby meat. it's I still have Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph. Everybody's there. But Rudolph's the youngest, so he's eating.
01:12:26
Speaker
Oh, yeah. he started He got that deer veal. No, but he's got the red nose. He's safe. Oh, that's some... g Yeah, the red nose is GMOs. He can't... Cut to some Jesse Ventura. You know how I got so fucking big? This fucking chewing tobacco turns me into a sexual fucking Tyrannosaurus.
01:12:42
Speaker
Not like these slack-jawed or ah orphans over here. ah Turns you into a sexual blitzing. Um, this just in Santa is getting really sexual at an orphanage. He apparently has showing off his man cleavage and he has no sleeves, but he has a giant rat tail.
01:13:00
Speaker
And I love it ends with Hogan being like, there's a new Santa in town and I know if you've been naughty or nice, so be nice. And Lenny's like, that's enough of that. Let's drag this motherfucker. Okay. Santa just threatened the entire state. Yeah.
01:13:15
Speaker
you want a lump of coal how about two lumps kid pom pom i mean just beating the fuck out of six-year-olds for being and for like not brushing their teeth derrick was nothing more than to see hulk holgan go on a child punching rampage for just like heard you you lied about your dog eating your homework bam your mom told you to go to bed and you started reading under a blanket bam Just drop kicking kids. You said you brushed your teeth, brother, but really you just put the toothbrush under the water and ran it. Bam!
01:13:46
Speaker
Naughty, naughty. Now you get four lickings. Oh, no, don't. Not when he's doing it with kids. We don't call it lickings. Oh, whippings. I know what you meant. Whippings. but we We could just call it beatings.
01:14:00
Speaker
I'm going to give you the running leg drop, brother. That's my trademark finisher. Pick your switch. I don't know. Where am I supposed to go with this? Tonight, Santa has just claws.
01:14:14
Speaker
um You Chris missed me. Oh, so Whitney talked about Lenny trying the ATM and it rejected him. Hi, I'm Lenny. As he turns around, the scientists are behind him and they kidnap him. That's when you find out he owes Frost money.
01:14:29
Speaker
And Frost is just like, I'll get rid of your shit if you get rid of Santa with muscles, dude. Gee, why did I get signed up with the world's weirdest bookie? Right? it's I mean, come on, dude. Don't borrow money from men in hazmat suits. I know people change over the years, but like, spoiler on the big twist, I don't give a fuck.
01:14:51
Speaker
Both Ebner Frost, by the way, Ebby, and Blake Thorne, Blake Tarkovsky, think is what they said? Yeah, Tarkovsky. Something very, very, finger quote, un-American. Polish. It's a ski. Polish.
01:15:06
Speaker
I know, that's but that's what I mean. like when he's making Sorry, Derek, but like when he's making his empire, he's like, I got to drop the the ski. Nobody can know I'm not. fuck Thorn is a good name. coming off the 80s. Yeah. People weren't a fan of anybody who was an American. You a communist? No, Poland's not. You know what is. Let me ask you a question. Is your last name in with a vowel?
01:15:25
Speaker
It's exactly like what I thought like an immigrant would say. Yes. Oh, my God. But they both were orphans. I'm sorry, my brain just, you are correct. It's something that was always said by, you know, probably not just my family, but people with the same beliefs that would always say, we'll never have a president with a vowel whose name ends in a vowel because that was very immigrant. We have we have Obama.
01:15:50
Speaker
or have um yeah i mean That's it. But that's broken now. But that was just always my family's thing was like, no, no, no. We're never going have an immigrant, like a family that immigrated here, like a non-white is what they're trying to say.
01:16:02
Speaker
Sometimes why dude Kennedy yeah Kennedy Yeah but it's also a consonant So it's not if it's not vowel But they it turns out that they both Went to or they didn't go Not like it's a school they both grew Did you Oh my god you're one of the Did you play football for the deadbeat dads too?
01:16:24
Speaker
They both grew up in this orphanage And it's just funny because like they don't realize they know each other Until the end and I'm like how did you know i understand I understand that people change, but like I've I've seen people in my thirty s and 40 now where like I knew them in elementary school and I'm like, oh, I recognize you. ok But husband, you do not look like who you look like when you were in elementary school. I, however, look exactly like I look. No, you were a goddamn blonde. Okay, Whitney. That was only until I was eight years old. Exactly. Well, and then after that, he was wearing Juggalo face paint. And when we were at the bar the other day, that bartender recognized me, and she hadn't seen me since I was in probably eighth grade. So we get to the weirdest slash creepiest part of this movie. Yes, I was uncomfortable.
01:17:10
Speaker
Little girl Elizabeth is singing this. What's the song? Angel baby. Santa baby. It might as well be. I'm glad she says angel baby because if she did Santa baby, it'd be even weirder. The first cut was.
01:17:24
Speaker
It's the wrong ah cadence for the song for Santa baby. It's the wrong speed. Jack's like, no, it needs to be like angel baby. du na dump but dan du du du That's Santa baby. You're thinking. Angel baby. I'm.
01:17:39
Speaker
ah try But it's literally a song about like fucking it's a romantic song at best. Now, I understand the concept here. She's like, I remember it from my mom singing it when I was a kid when I was a younger kid.
01:17:54
Speaker
So like she she remembers her mom singing it. So it would be like, oh, your mom knew that song, not the other. You know, it's fine. I get that. But her singing it in this church is already weird. And then Hogan's showing up and being like, no, brother, keep singing it. And then he starts singing it with her. Yeah, she's like, can you sing with me He's like, if you start at all, remember it. And he's just like, Santa, baby. Well, he's doing the... That's how it ends because he's trying to like... You know reminded me? I was house guest when he's like, you know the theme song to our our camp like song? Yes. And he's like following behind. He's like... the the Bridges and... and the Trees and all the... A thousand percent, yes. And then he was just he just gave up and was like, watch this. boat bo bo bo bump bottom bottom bottom I'm dreaming of some steroids for Christmas.
01:18:49
Speaker
ah But all of this was because she was like, well, there's the fairies that live in the windows. And when I sing, they light up. And this is all because of the fucking geodes underneath in the catacombs.
Fantasy Elements and Subplots
01:19:03
Speaker
Yeah, the magic crystals under this church. Dead children. that We don't know yet. They are dead children. um But that's what it is. We get the first instance of finding out that Hulk Hogan might have grown up in this orphanage because Garrett Morris ah tells him he's like, I always knew you would make something of yourself. Hey, Santa. No, he's like, ah I'm proud of you, son. You finally made something of yourself after all.
01:19:32
Speaker
And Hulk Hogan gives him a weird look, but then it's interrupted because. Bitch, you don't know me. The science goons show up. They throw a fucking rock through a window or a brick through the window with a note tied to it. No, they're still called Dr. Planet or Captain Planet, but it's P-L-A-N space I-T. t Like they just plan it out because they're all a bunch of brains.
01:19:54
Speaker
Captain Plan It. Earth, wind, fire, fart. Science? Well, yeah. Science has to be one of them, right?
01:20:05
Speaker
It's Captain Science. Captain, I believe in science. They killed him a couple of years ago. i was going to say somebody was like, the earth is flat and he just fucking exploded. So Dr. Blight shows up here and Santa confronts him and he just starts beating their asses again with children in the background cheering, which is always funny.
01:20:28
Speaker
um And then that little kid Taylor, the one from Picket Fences, he ends up running away and they're like, where the fuck did he go? So Santa follows something, question mark. He's like, oh, I know, brother. And they they end up at Frost's mansion.
01:20:44
Speaker
I don't know how they found him there. Oh, because he's he's mad at him. He's like, he's the one that attacked my house. So we're going to attack his house now. Oh, that makes sense. Okay. Because they they pull up and his bike's outside. Stupid little shit kid idea. Yeah. I'm like, his bike's outside. But I'm like, well, how'd you know to go to this place that's obviously in hills nowhere near where you are? We missed the kid telling the stories why, I think.
01:21:06
Speaker
Okay. don't think we missed it. It was editing. Santa. No. Yeah. We didn't miss shit. The fucking movie missed. We got to keep this movie under. What is it? ah What'll we come in? Like our 97.
01:21:20
Speaker
Okay. But so Santa and Lenny go, they sneak in, they find Taylor there. He's about to shoot a slingshot at frost through the window and hulk Hogan stops him, but he ends up seeing frost plans, which have this whole part of the city mapped out. And the orphan orphanage is like right in the middle. And that's the last thing they need.
01:21:39
Speaker
There's a fun little part because he's like, we don't do, rule number fucking whatever. We don't, I don't know, choose violence or something. He's like, that's something that bad people do. And he's like, but he's worse. And it's like, yeah. I've also seen you do this. Exactly. Exactly that, Whitney. Like, I'm learning from you. You've been beating up dudes all fucking day because they're bad people. I just want to hit this guy in the nuts with slingshot and make sure he doesn't have kids. Well, I only do it in self-defense. So am I.
01:22:10
Speaker
preemptive self-defense, but you know. It doesn't make a lot of sense because Hogan, yeah, is like, no, it's only you only do that when you need to sort defend yourself, brother. And he's like, yeah, that's I'm doing.
01:22:22
Speaker
I don't understand the the difference here. Right. I'm i'm a fucking seven-year-old. I see you beat up bad guys. I see a bad guy. I'm going to beat him up. Yep. going to shoot with slingshot because I don't have muscles like you. I am wearing the same pants, though. We both have the same leotard.
01:22:36
Speaker
Miyakuno's big dose for you? That's why I ended up wearing leotards and helmets and beating up ah aliens that got bigger because I watched a lot of Power Rangers. ah Is that something you do? Yeah. It's really weird. it something you that I don't know about? Weird. Make my monsters grow. Is that what you're doing in the bathroom?
01:22:56
Speaker
ah We just thought you were masturbating. That's why you hear me screaming in the bathroom. it's not I don't scream when I masturbate usually. Mortal Kombat! believe that. Honestly, if we had a bathtub, I guarantee you he'd be sitting on the edge of the bathtub making people do things. Or not people. Sorry.
01:23:13
Speaker
ah What do you call them? Stick figures? Action figures. Action figures. Stick figures. So if we had a bathtub, Derek would be playing with his dolls in it. Essentially what Whitney just fucking ousted you for.
01:23:26
Speaker
He wouldn't be in the bathtub. I need to clarify that. could let everybody figure out their own version of Derek playing with his toys. Okay. You could only put a cup of water in the bathtub if I was sitting in it. It'd be full. Shut You do not talk to my about my husband like that.
01:23:45
Speaker
You don't need have water in a bathtub to enjoy lasagna. yeah I'll tell you what, man, you don't need water in a bathtub to enjoy lasagna. No, I love lasagna in the bathtub. Yeah, it's that old family saying. You know the old saying?
01:23:57
Speaker
and Just because the power's out doesn't mean you don't have a monkey.
01:24:04
Speaker
All right, Ross, what is All right, say something i used to always say. Just because you got one shoe on another foot doesn't yeah doesn't mean you don't need an umbrella. Okay, then. You can't give me Legos and tell me I'm not having pancakes.
01:24:15
Speaker
Yeah. That's true, actually. Do whatever you want. Put syrup on those Legos, Ross. Just because have syrup doesn't mean I know what jazz Are at the catacombs bar yet? That's where I'm trying to get to.
01:24:29
Speaker
sir I'll put Ross to bed. I'm sorry.
01:24:35
Speaker
So we find out that the kids hang out in the catacombs underneath the church as a clubhouse. Are you telling me you wouldn't do that? No, I'm not shocked that I'm shocked that exists. I should be locked up.
01:24:46
Speaker
but The cat of bit the catacomb should be locked up. But that's exactly where I would go because my favorite place back in Iowa this is the cellar, which nobody fucking went. Let's talk about the dark part. Why is it? Why does a Catholic church need catacombs and underground tunnels? Because that's where they put the dead bodies.
01:25:06
Speaker
That's where they've trafficked the children's. Have you guys seen the movie As Above, So Below? All right, well, there's skeletons underneath them churches. Okay.
01:25:17
Speaker
That's where the catacombs from. Maybe they weren't supposed to be there. These aren't catacombs, though. This is just a cave system underneath this church because there aren't any skeletons. It's literally just a system of caves. It is supposed to be catacombs because you see the little pockets. They exhumed all the bodies when they built the orphanage over it. They didn't want to pull their guy's situation.
01:25:36
Speaker
The geophers absorbed the skeletons. absorbbed the skeletons That's what it is. We know about it. this This girl's magic singing voice and the space wizard turns everybody into crystals. There we go.
01:25:49
Speaker
Done. End of plot. Better movie. It's Native American magic because you didn't move the skeletons. You turned them into crystals. well say Once you say Native American magic, you have like fucking a blank check to do whatever you want. That's how you explain things. yes I would just say Christmas magic, but you know.
01:26:04
Speaker
Well, I was thinking of, I was said Native American because of poltergeist. But when they go through the catacombs, they find this door, this walkway that's blocked by a big fucking like safe door. It looks like it's hiding some sort of demon. That would be my first guess. like this Or maybe a Christmas wizard.
01:26:22
Speaker
Or Christmas wizard. This type of door under a church? Don't open that. but it has BT scratching the door and Hulk Hogan sees it. And he's like, yeah, he's like ball trauma. I've had that brother. The hell is ball trauma got to do with this? Vince McMahon said he didn't care. Do I got to punch myself in the nuts for the door to open? All right, I'll do it.
01:26:42
Speaker
Oh, it doesn't oh seem to oh be working. Oh God. What is it? 18, 6, 24 or what? 6, 18, 24. I'm all out of balls. So the three orphans who live there each have one number memorized for this which safe.
01:26:57
Speaker
Which, how did they get it? She could hear it. Because they turn it, and you can hear it as you're turning it. When it hits the right number, it ka-chunk. So they have figured out the fourth one, then. Yeah, they're just too stupid. They didn't have enough time. They have nothing but time, and they more time have parents.
01:27:13
Speaker
so we that's true so we end up at 8 24 16 and they're like we don't know the you don't know the rest and hulk hogan goes 8 24 16 brother i've got this clink clunk clunk there's like three more numbers that he just knows so the door opens and they find these crystals and the crystals make like a natural electricity question mark mila kunis is like oh my god i read about these dibby They used to be children. She and she she suddenly turns from like the girl who's a clothing designer to like the little scientist. Well, what we don't know is her dad is a geology doctor.
01:27:51
Speaker
Well, i'm not gonna i don't want to be a dick, but out of these three little fucking stupid kids that are in this movie. It should be Taylor. She's the best actress.
Mila Kunis and Future Roles
01:28:00
Speaker
Yeah. Taylor is the nerdiest looking one because he scares me. And he should know.
01:28:05
Speaker
She is the most actor-y. Uh-huh. Well, because she's only like, what, three years away from doing that 70s show from here. Dude, that is so terrifying, way. It's terrifying because she is a child child right here.
01:28:19
Speaker
Three years from this where she looks like when I met my stepdaughter, seven-year-old. Yeah. Yeah. In three years, she's fucking Ashton Kutcher on that 70s show. That's weird, dude. and I don't like it.
01:28:31
Speaker
ah Picket fences. Kid is fucking with one of these crystals and he ends up being like this is fucking dumb and he throws it wo and it explodes. Kill the dead kid. Yeah. It explodes and they're like, we should probably leave. And I love the kids are leaving. And I think it's Clayton Garrett Morris who's like, don't step on that.
01:28:49
Speaker
You don't want to step on that. Let's go ahead and a step over that. So they get out of there. And this is when Hulk Hogan realizes he tells Lenny, he's like, i don't think I'm Santa, brother. And Lenny's like, hey oh, what are you talking about? Hey. In a movie that doesn't make a lot of sense, this makes the least sense to me because he's like, well, I just want to figure out how I knew those numbers, brother. And Lenny just reaches over into these catacombs that no one's ever seen or heard of in this movie. And he goes, I found you in these army fatigues. And he hands him a stack of fatigues that have paintball on them. and I'm like...
01:29:27
Speaker
Where? yeah You want me to give explain it? Is this oh is is like a video is it like a video game inventory and he just pulled it out of his magic backpack? Elf magic. He's starting to become one. Jack has been saying that since the beginning of the movie. This is the first step, dude. He's getting that Christmas magic going. The universe is like, he's actually going to be a decent elf. Look at him. He's short. and He's hairy. Well, he'd be a better better dwarf, but...
01:29:53
Speaker
He's got the little ah satchel, like man purse kind of thing that ah elizabeth Mary Elizabeth Winstead is using and ah Scott Pilgrim where she pulls the giant hammer out of. It's just like a pocket dimension inside of a backpack.
01:30:07
Speaker
i hate Mia Kunis put some magic when she altered these clothes. You also could have said Mary Poppins. I could have. Yeah, absolutely. Better movie. I went with the better movie, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. You did not!
01:30:21
Speaker
One is better, and the other one doesn't have Julie Andrews. One is better, and the other one does have Julie Andrews. going to punch you in your dick, Van Dyke.
01:30:35
Speaker
Are you going to punch me? Happy 100th birthday, Dick Van Dyke. it's a dick, Van Dyke, not dick and dyke. I would also never call you a dyke. Your dick via the dyke. There we go. Punch your dick via the dyke.
01:30:49
Speaker
I'm only using that word because Whitney's here. Otherwise, I wouldn't say that. This episode is 10 days late, but happy 100th birthday for Dick Van Dyke. Yeah, no shit. He's finally done being able to buy Legos.
01:31:00
Speaker
Oh my God, he can't buy Legos. It says ages 3 to 99.
01:31:06
Speaker
He's out of Legos, guys. Yep. Dude, that motherfucker was in a movie in like the t maybe it was the 2000s. Maybe it was the odds. Maybe it was the 2010s. But it was in that era. And he's still dancing.
01:31:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what with the Scrubs episode was early 2000s that he was in, and he's fucking spry and delightful. Now he just has a beard, and I'm like, you still look great. Yeah.
01:31:29
Speaker
Good old Dick Van Dyke. I wish I looked that good at 40.
01:31:37
Speaker
Blight ends up showing up, Dr. Blight. They go up from the catacombs, and Dr. Blight is in the kitchen, and there's a firefight. Yeah. Hulk Hogan confronts him. ah They end up fighting. They could go up into the church tower, the bell tower, I guess.
01:31:55
Speaker
And then there's this little animatronic Santa in the window of the bell tower that's just doing this back and forth thing. And like Hogan is kicking the shit out of Blight, unsurprisingly. Right.
01:32:07
Speaker
But Blake kind of pushes him and he ends up near the animatronic Santa, which just shoves him out the window, which is the funniest part of this entire movie. is This little robot Santa just shoving Hulk Hogan out a window. And he lands on the back of a garbage truck, bonks his head and starts to get his memory back. But because he sees a picture of himself and he's like, still not big enough. Yeah. Because it's it's erectile dysfunction pills.
01:32:35
Speaker
Yeah. So he took a bunch and he's like, still not big enough, brother. He said it was going to make me thicker than a snicker. I'm more like a fun-sized Butterfinger.
01:32:47
Speaker
Hogan wakes up. He's in his mansion. And I just love that it's Chaz, the butler. Chaz. So the trash people found you in their dumpster. And they were like, we know that, guys. So they dropped you off here.
01:33:02
Speaker
like i think the trash people would be more like Lenny. They'd be like, we have this guy. Let's see what money we can get out of him. Right? Well, he didn't have his wallet on him, so... Well, just because you're a trash person doesn't mean you're garbage. I'm not saying that like they're kidnapping him maliciously. They're just more like, well, he's here. Let's see who we can call and see if they'll pay us to bring him home. Oh, Chaz paid him.
01:33:25
Speaker
ah Gold cougarans. Because Chaz has diplomatic immunity. Diplomatic immunity. Doesn't look like it? That's where the guy's from in that, right?
01:33:36
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, yeah. too yeah Because they're the bad guys. Yeah, they are. Always always have been. always Always have been. In this case, it's a little different than what I thought, probably for expediency's sake. But Hogan is like, he remembers his Santa Claus time.
01:33:53
Speaker
It's not just gone. So he's like, okay, I'm going to call the orphanage, check up on everybody. And you hear on the phone. So you've got Dr. Blight and Dr. Vile and Dr. Douchebag and Dr. Wind, Water, Fire, Air, Heart. They're all listening in And he calls and they they end up doing some computer shit. It's a ah Jack, you called it. What you say? They're doing the running running man. Yeah, doing the audio version of running man.
01:34:21
Speaker
They just have the voice recording. But they're manipulating it because it's basically Leslie just being like, fuck off, leave these kids alone. It's Chad GPT. ah What would a little shitty orphan say?
01:34:31
Speaker
You say Chad GPT? It's Chad GPT. He's the fifth member of Captain Flatulence.
01:34:40
Speaker
Dr. Frost. But like, yeah, it tells him to fuck off. So he's like, okay, I'll fuck off then. And we cut to like Mila Kunis, Elizabeth picket fences kid. And they're like sad because Santa fucked off and didn't tell them where they were going. But even Lenny is there and he's like, where the fuck did Hulk Hogan go? Like, yeah.
01:35:04
Speaker
Hey, now that I've become an elf, I need Santa. and And at this point, he's quickly turned from just wanting money to being like, I'm kind of worried about where the fuck Hulk Hogan went. His elf thing is happening.
01:35:16
Speaker
Yeah. He's elfing at this point. Yeah. he's I saw him. I saw him eating ah maple syrup drizzled on nerds or whatever's happening in that movie. So they're all devastated.
01:35:28
Speaker
and then suddenly the door of the orphanage explodes. It's Ms. Watt coming in with her electric powers blowing the door out. ah Dr. Vile comes in behind her spraying fucking methane gas everywhere.
01:35:41
Speaker
And i just love ah the line from Taylor, the picket fences kid, because he's like, you guys better get out of here. Santa Claus will kick your butts to New Year's. I'm like, dude, he said he's going to overtime. That's all I'm saying.
01:35:56
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, he's not done. He's got a couple more gifts to give. But it is it is a really cool like comic book villain entrance because she comes in with the electricity, dude comes in with gas, the other two dudes come in cackling, and then here comes Ebner Frost, Ed Begley Jr., with his whole fucking biohazard suit thing. His wizard costume.
01:36:18
Speaker
I wanted a mech suit, but this is what I got. Okay. You guys will see the post I make for the episode. You'll see why I thought it was a Christmas wizard. Don't let the people decide. No, no, not never.
01:36:30
Speaker
No. you silver it's it's It's Santa Claus fighting a silver man and there's sparks in the air. Out of your mouth, you said Santa Claus is fighting a wizard in a cave. I said maybe.
01:36:43
Speaker
But those words still came out of your mouth. I'll never forget them. I'm not making fun of you. I'm just making fun of your words. That's fair. So Santa Claus is fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi.
01:36:57
Speaker
Obi-Wan Begley Jr. Oh, man. He would be terrible in that role. These aren't the droids you're looking for. These are green droids. They don't put off any emissions.
01:37:09
Speaker
But he comes in. He's in this biohazard suit. And he's just like, I want what's in your vault. And that's how we get there. Hulk Hogan is back at his house. He's all dude this.
01:37:22
Speaker
I think we all laugh pretty hard at this. The chef. sitting hes Yeah. Hulk Hogan's sitting there eating like sad gruel or whatever. He's gotten used to the orphanage food. it's fucking gruel Please, brother. Can I have more?
01:37:36
Speaker
I was telling you guys, I think it's like a 90s joke. It's like, yeah oh, you need your your protein, whatever. Like, it's just, this has all the nutrients you need. It's not made to taste good. So it's your fucking shit gruel. Real Hulk Hogan would be eating like just fucking 18 whole chickens and some like salad on the side. For breakfast? No, would be like 18 eggs. No Oh, sorry, it's breakfast. He would have seven chickens.
01:38:01
Speaker
Or as we learned in his sex tape, pork. That's pork is before porking. and That's why they call it porking, Derek. Yeah, his daughter, or not his daughter, good God, his wife. Cut that.
01:38:15
Speaker
Nope. Leave it in. Your daughter, Brooke, is the only name I can think of. What's his wife's name? Helen? I don't fucking know. Angie? Lady Hogan was like, we're going to be porking later. My introducing Lady Hogan and her giant fake breasts.
01:38:33
Speaker
Lady Hogan said we're going to be Porkin' and he was like, Pork? I got Pork. ah i got I rented a movie with that really good actor, Alan Porkin. And then there's also that Ellen Porkin.
01:38:46
Speaker
I watched Porky's, Porky's 2, Porky's 3, Porky's 4, The Revenge, i think maybe is what it's called. The only couple things I need for dinner utensils is a knife and a pork.
01:39:01
Speaker
But yeah, he's sitting there all sad eating his gruel and the chef comes up and like attacks him. And it might just be because he's doing a French chef thing. But all I can think of is the Ratatouille guy. Uh-huh.
01:39:12
Speaker
and So he's like comes up. He's like, we and Hogan doesn't even to react. And he's like, he's, he's must not be doing well. He loves to hit me. He loves hitting me.
01:39:23
Speaker
It was a good line. It's good line. Like, I know he's, I i know he's That's the Santa from Brussels right there. I don't even feel like hitting my help anymore.
01:39:37
Speaker
They have quit wiping my silk underwear. I didn't stop wiping. But he gets a phone call from Lenny telling him about Frost coming in and taking over the orphanage, whatever. He's like, I tried to call you, brother. Don't don't sit there and just talk about fake news. So he gets everybody involved. He's like, right, chef, you are doing this.
01:39:57
Speaker
Butler, you're doing this. Chaz, you're going to do this. Everybody ready? Roll out. we're We're forming our own team to fight Captain Flapit. We have Chef, Gardner, Butler, Roid Ridge. Santa. And our fifth mother fifth member, Humvee.
01:40:18
Speaker
We form Captain Fuck It.
01:40:24
Speaker
They're trying to think a name. Captain. i don't know. Fuck it. Oh, that's good. I like it. I do like this, though, because when we saw the thing earlier where he was being like a man child kind of thing that was kind of dropped, they all just seem like they're just like, whatever. This is what we do all the time. Who cares? And here he's like, we're doing this for an orphanage. And they're all so they all they're all super like, yeah, dude, fuck it. Let's do something real. That's why it's Captain. Fuck it, dude.
01:40:50
Speaker
Fuck it Fuck it, dude. Let's go bowling. The guy who's an actual actor is trying to break into the vault. I can't remember his name right Lepidopteros.
01:41:01
Speaker
Yeah, Lepidopteros. ah Hogan gets all his guys suited up. They go out. And then we cut back, finally, to Cleo. Clint Howard. Derek's favorite part of this whole fucking movie is coming up right now. This is the great because i didn't even see it the first time because I was trying to write down notes and they they were like, did you see that? And I was like, no. So we literally had to rewind this. Clint Howard is acting out, pulling people over on his own police cruiser, and which is just the funniest thing I've ever seen. he's like, ah ah sir, I think you were going too fast. No, you got to do it more intimidating. ah Sir, I think you were. No, that's a little too much. Let's get scale it back. like He's just practicing pulling people over on car. License of registration. Nope, that's not it. you have your license?
01:41:53
Speaker
ah Do you have any idea why pulled you over? you know who my dad is? Why am I saying that? you know who my brother is? My niece is Ron Howard's daughter. sorry. Do you know who my brother is?
01:42:07
Speaker
You ever heard of Bryce Dallas Howard? No, not yet. It's 1996. Oh. Well, you're gonna. You'll be sorry. You'll all sorry. She's gonna be in Jurassic World and she's gonna direct a Star Wars TV show, damn it. She's gonna honor the time-honored tradition of putting Clint Howard in your movies. She's also gonna be in Spiderman.
01:42:28
Speaker
Spiderman. Oh, she was in the The Amazing, huh? With Andrew Garfield? At least the second one. You're welcome. No, for both I think both, right? Because she's playing felicia mary Jane? No, the other one. No, because Gwen. Gwen. She's playing Gwen. Gwen Felicia. Gwen Stacy is Emma Stone.
01:42:48
Speaker
oh yeah So Gwen Stacy, Emma Stone, the she was blonde, I think, right? Yeah, she was doing blonde. She's not in a mate. Isn't she in the Toby one? Maybe she's in the Toby ones. I think she's in Toby playing Gwen. She's in Spider-Man 3 playing Gwen Stacy.
01:43:05
Speaker
Exactly what I said. So as Clint Howard is trying to fake pull people over, Hulk Hogan drives by in his Humvee again. And he's like, the terrorists. So he jumps in, starts chasing him. It's the mirror of the beginning of the movie. Yes. Where there's the cop chase and everything, except for now, Hogan.
01:43:23
Speaker
Dude, Hogan's driving. They cut to clinton Clint Howard and he's like, it's Cleo. Cleo. it straight. And he's like, I was in Desert Storm. I'm bad. I'm a heartbreaker. I'm a, there's one more after heartbreaker. Thrillmaker. Oh, I'm a troublemaker. That's what it That's what it was.
01:43:42
Speaker
I'm bad. I'm a heartbreaker. I'm a troublemaker. Cleo scream. I'm a heartbreaker. is one of the funniest things I've heard in cinema. So now we entire 40 years I've been alive. Never thought I'd say this. We need to prequel to Santa with muscles where it's Cleo and desert storm.
01:43:59
Speaker
Oh man. would watch that. Oh, I know we would. I know we would. i don't know how many other people would, but we'd be fucking de age him and make it a fucking Amazon series. Put a backward tat on him.
01:44:10
Speaker
Just put a backward tat on him. We don't have to age it. We don't have to de age him. That's what I meant. When I said de age him. Backwards hat. My headphones are on. I almost tried to turn my hat backward, and I realized I had headphones on. That's not going work. It's a good realization.
01:44:27
Speaker
There's some cops. Some of the other cops who are there pull out a fucking rocket launcher. They're like, we'll so we'll stop this guy. You know what? They crossed over to Arizona State lines. Oh, that's what was. Cops who have rocket launchers. That's just standard issue.
01:44:40
Speaker
These cops shoot a rocket at Hulk Hogan's Humvee, and he swerves out of the way in some of the worst CG we've seen in a while, but it's such a quick shot that I can't complain. And you also what you're watching. We watched Electric State.
01:44:52
Speaker
Right. We watched all of Electric State. Which was 30 years later. this This one and a quarter second shot of fucking bad rocket CG is entirely acceptable. It also leads up to a real explosion.
01:45:05
Speaker
Yeah, because they explode the fuck out of Clint Howard's car. Cleo. Cleo's car gets blown up and he just jumps up and he's i had Singed? yeah Black face?
01:45:19
Speaker
yeah Ash face. Ash face. Ash face. All right. Because it's a different thing. Isn't that just putting a fake chin on so you can pretend you're Bruce Campbell?
01:45:29
Speaker
Groovy. um But they, yeah, Hogan dodges it, hits Clint's car, and he goes and saves the kids. and And the little girl, Elizabeth, is like, you're not really Santa. And he goes, no brother. i just thought I was. And she's like. You're better.
01:45:48
Speaker
It's adorable. They lock the doctor in the freezer yet. Oh, we're so that's all coming up. So that's what's going on right now. So they gas Mr. Vile or Dr. Vile, whatever, with his own. cho saying Choke on your own fart, dude.
01:46:02
Speaker
Yep. They ah one of them dumps water on Miss. So she gets ah like electrocuted to death. yeah Although they're all alive at the end. I was going to say they're all dead.
01:46:13
Speaker
But they're not like they all get killed right here. Like maybe vile and maybe blight live. No, he got killed by his own fart. But it's like you get choked out with methane gas. You get electrocuted um and you get put the freezer. And this is where Jack turned to Whitney and went, see, real elf now. Because Lenny was the one who dumped the water on Ms. Watt.
01:46:37
Speaker
Yeah, he's a real fucking elf, dude. You don't watch the same movie I did, did you? we were all together Watching a different movie, though, apparently. Lenny gives the wallet back to Hulk Hogan, and he goes, it's all there, minus a couple dollars. I yeah took the condom out of your wallet. And he goes, in a classic late 90s, you know, gay panic kind of thing, he goes, you're not going to fucking hug me, are you? Yeah. Two dudes touching. Why would a man touch a man? There might be some ladies watching. I don't want them to think I'm gay.
01:47:12
Speaker
It's a caring embrace, and that's pretty fucking gay, bro. If you ask me, hey, how about them bears? You know who? Did you watch that game last night? How about that straight team I like?
01:47:24
Speaker
Which one?
01:47:27
Speaker
It doesn't matter. I don't want people think I'm gay. I'm not gay. I was just watching a bunch of big bodies bang a ball through hole. Look, just not fan of the Hufflepuffs. The rest of them I like. I'm going to slither in your bed and knock on your back Gryffindor.
01:47:43
Speaker
You're going to Ravenclaw up my back. You'll be huffling and puffling when I'm done with you.
01:47:56
Speaker
I'm so glad that what's her name who wrote that garbage, who hates JK, JK Simmons. No, JK Rowling, JK Rowling. I'm so glad she's transphobic only because everything she made was so gay that I now think that she just is.
01:48:13
Speaker
She's it's one of those people who's like, I hate gay people. Also, I fuck dudes. That's what I'm thinking of JK Rowling now. ah Yeah. I'm slither in your back Gryffindor.
01:48:25
Speaker
So perfect. You'll leave Ravenclaw marks on my back. And Hufflepuff my way out of there. Maybe Hufflepuff when I'm done.
01:48:36
Speaker
You'll be begging for. Oh God. Fuck that lady. That's great. I love it. ah So Hogan comes in. He burst in the door to save ah Leslie and Clayton is where we find out that you could have fucking knocked.
01:48:52
Speaker
This is where we learn that Clayton knows him because he grew up in the orphanage. We also find out in this exact moment. Also, don't you remember little Abby Frost? He's your best friend. What's that brother?
01:49:06
Speaker
Hulk Hogan's like, I didn't remember a lot of anything until about eight minutes ago, so no. a Apparently, I got hit in the head a lot even as a child. You know, it's just something that happens. People kept hitting me with these weird glowing crystals in my head. i don't have a lot of memory.
01:49:22
Speaker
ah But I do really like the part with Leslie. She doesn't get a lot to do in this movie, but she tries to. She does this thing where she's like seducing Dr. Blight. Yeah. She's like, oh, my God, you're so hot for killing orphans or whatever. Dr. Blight has been all up on her chonch this whole time trying to buy the fucking ah orphanage from her.
01:49:45
Speaker
And she's just denied everything that he's ever thrown at her. And then now she's like, Rightfully so. but hi um and he's like oh so now you finally so hot and like the kids are behind him opening up the freezer door and she's like you're so fucking hot and then he says another biggest bullshit thing because this when he says you're a different person away from those homeless little losers there you go that's the line little losers talking about orphans because sorry guys i'm a piece of shit we all know this Talk about Derek being happy. enjoyed that that made laugh so hard. Those homeless little losers. i was like, ah, you fucking orphans.
01:50:25
Speaker
I don't condone it. Go get Michael Caine and Kermit to help you because I don't give a shit anymore. Tis a season to be homeless and shitty. Fa la la la. But it is followed up by her immediately shoving him into the freezer and the kids closing it and locking it.
01:50:41
Speaker
He's dead. I mean, yeah it's going to take some time, but it's a deep freeze, guys. You ever gotten high on walk in at a restaurant? Come on.
01:50:51
Speaker
yeah So Hogan hogan confronts Ebi Frost, as he calls him. ebbie ebbie fros fucking uh uh papadopelopterus papadopterus he's not greek papadopelopterus he gets the door open And they have a little fight. They get down in there. this is when we all kind of realize this kind of looks like ah ah a display from Meow Wolf. Mm-hmm. Well, my statement was, I could take drugs in this room. And Derek goes, looks like a display from Meow Wolf. I was like, said what I said. I could take drugs in this room. Yep.
01:51:29
Speaker
they're pulling They're all drilling. As long as you can get to Meow Wolf on a day when it's not packed, mushrooms would be great. Find a day it's not packed and I'm there. But we get it they're down there. they're They're kind of arguing with each other. It's doing the thing where, like, Hogan is hiding and Frost is yelling at him so they don't see each other directly. And Hogan's like, being Santa opened my eyes, brother, and I didn't like what I saw.
01:51:52
Speaker
So he's talking about himself. Then they have... what Spaceballs would prefer to as a copyright infringement because they both pull crystals out of the ground and have a lightsaber fight. Are you saying they're kyber crystals?
01:52:12
Speaker
They might be. Glad your wife knows that term. It's kind of weird actually, but this is where the the picture that I found for the episode where I thought there might've been a Christmas wizard question mark came from because it's, it's frost Ed Bigley jr. Wearing this, uh, biohazard suit and he's got a crystal and he's fighting Santa who also has a crystal. and they're crossing blades and there's sparks shooting everywhere. It looks very wizardy. Just a weird string of words you just put together. Look, if you don't believe me, look at our Facebook or Instagram posts. It looks wizardy.
01:52:46
Speaker
You tell us. All right. You guys let us know if I'm an idiot. No, no, just let us know if it looks like a wizard. We don't have to do a deep dive into Derek's mind. All right. Yeah, let me look there's a wizard. I don't want to know how stupid I am.
01:53:02
Speaker
Just let me know if you see it, too. But Taylor is using his little picket fences kid is using a slingshot to shoot holes in the suit. ah And Ed Bately Jr. ends up knocking the crystal out of Hogan's hand. But Leslie comes up, pulls the breathing tube out. He starts freaking out. The whole cave starts humming super loud. And they're like, holy fuck, this can't be good.
01:53:26
Speaker
Get out. going blow. They're outside. The force is the force. The church is the church is covered in force lightning. The force isn't covered in church lightning, which is what i was about to say.
01:53:39
Speaker
Church lightning sounds much more scary. It does, doesn't it? The church is covered in forced lightning. Everything starts going crazy. This miniature church explodes or implodes. I was going to say, whatever the opposite of big bada boom is, because it's like just an implosion. It's a big mata boom. Big nada boom.
01:54:00
Speaker
Big nada boom. Yeah. It's a much lower budget version of the end of Poltergeist. Because they did move the skeletons. Yeah, exactly. Turn them into crystals. Yeah.
01:54:13
Speaker
had a Santa wizard fight. And then my third, maybe favorite part of the movie, suddenly around the corner comes this charred husk Of a police car with a smoking Cleo behind the fucking wheel.
01:54:32
Speaker
We all know planes, trains, and automobiles. Yes, we do. This is the end of that movie when they're just limping that car on fire, except for this has no windshield and the wipers are just still working. wipers yeah fucking going. This is iss is it's that or Tommy boy. Tommy boy is what I thought of. Okay. Car that's been destroyed over the course of the movie. Yeah. I just watched planes trains on Thanksgiving, so it's still fresh in my brain.
01:54:57
Speaker
Do you think this vehicle safe the road? Oh, yes, sir. Oh, yeah, sure. Sure. She don't look much, but I think so. And this is the most bullshit part of the whole thing, because all the goons, this including including Ed Begley, are all dragged away and arrested.
01:55:14
Speaker
Okay, maybe, maybe methane guy lived and probably Dr. Blight lived because he got put in in. Because him quick. He got put in a walk in for 20 minutes. Yeah, they got him pretty quick. We've all been there.
01:55:27
Speaker
but But he's also solid frozen. But Ms. ms Watt, dead dead as fuck. Dead. ah Ed Begley Jr., dead as fuck. Uh-huh. But they're all getting dragged away because it's a kids movie. They get thrown in the car and it's like, I'll get you next time. Gadget kind of deal.
01:55:46
Speaker
There you go. Frank. Oh my God. Do I do it from that and not blended? I mean, it might be. I hope it's from Inspector Gadget. It'd make me feel better. Yeah.
01:55:57
Speaker
And then, of course, Hulk Hogan, they're all like, well, where are we supposed to live now? And he's like, I think I know a place that has some room. Maybe my 47 bedroom mansion I've been living in alone where I make all my all my servants. They live in the same room downstairs. The other 47 bedrooms have been for me until now. I think I have an idea.
01:56:17
Speaker
I'll just buy you another orphanage. And now we have 45 new children. Yep. Bunch of fucking kids all of a sudden. And I love that wherever this- The crystals broke and they were released into the world. Oh, oh they get to become real boys. No. or girls. No, they're elves. They're elf children because ah Bob- Oh, so they're going still going to be in slave labor for Santa eventually. Lenny became a real elf and real elf.
01:56:42
Speaker
Fuck. So he's over there making babies at an alarming rates. He's been on way too many dates. Hulk Hogan's backyard apparently has a perfect binocular view of the prison yard. Yep.
01:56:57
Speaker
Where these guys are wearing prison uniforms from 1920. The nineteen twenty black and white stripes. With the black and gray stripe with the fucking, it looks like pajamas. It's got the fucking hat with the little flop. And you got both. What are we doing? You got all, but it's co-ed. There's no there's no separation, no segregation. You got fucking Gene Hackman over there plotting revenge against Superman. You got um ah Martin Short, not Martin Short. whoop whoop whoop Arsenio Hall thank you Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy no Eddie Murphy Martin Lawrence Martin Lawrence yep yep yep you got Jim Varney breaking into prison um you've got uh Sean Connery Sean Connery's there trying to break them out oh yes Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman breaking out ah you got Shawshank Morgan Freeman and I'll tell you now Hulk Hogan was a man who never said more than three words to anybody hell yeah brother maybe the lesser the least of all the prison break movies but that's fine no you're wrong it's not a prison break movie there's the greatest game there's Papillon and there's prison drama
01:58:13
Speaker
It's not a prison movie. Would you call Counting Money Crystal a prison break movie? No, there's one thing. It ends like Hogan takes his Santa hat off and throws it onto a shrubbery that catches it because it looks like it's a catcher's mitt. Shrubbery? Not the same hat. Bring a shrubbery.
01:58:29
Speaker
Not the same hat. With a Santa hat. This hat was like this. Because the fur part goes from about an inch to about four inches. Yeah. They forgot to get the pickup shot and somebody went back later. And then it focuses on that and then you know what?
01:58:44
Speaker
That's not great. Somebody went back and got it. And I appreciate it. That was like after they were done editing. They were like, we never showed it landing on the bush. Fuck. ah Somebody went out and shot it on. i'll get fuck Yeah, and i I'll get it. It's fine.
01:58:58
Speaker
Do we have someone? I got a little super eight. I'll just reeling the fucking thing. you have the Santa hat? I have a Santa hat. so So we'll do recommendations. Happy Christmas, everybody. We'll start with wife. Oh, you don't want to start with me.
01:59:16
Speaker
Do you recommend this? No, I that's why he wants to start with you. I never saw this. i it was entertaining with my boys. i I love you, Jack and Derek. I love you to death.
01:59:29
Speaker
I would not put this on my daughter. Well, she's not that type of person, so that's fair. No, she's a ah like a mature adult versus the 40 to 44-year-olds who are on this podcast who would enjoy this. If you're if you like... i I had fun. Like i said, i had fun watching it with you guys. I wasn't even really drinking last night, and i had fun watching with you guys.
01:59:56
Speaker
I was so bored. It's a weird turn. Can't be both. Can't have fun with me and be bored with me. I was bored with the movie. Had fun with you. um Derek, why don't you go first since I'm kind of the more Mr. Christmas movie? I went first. He can go second.
02:00:12
Speaker
Or I mean, before me. what the Yeah. Before Christmas, man. um Christmas, i I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. So this was recommended to us by a regular at the bar that Jack and I work at. It wasn't even recommended as a podcast thing. I think it was before I even started the podcast. He brought it up and he was like, Lee.
02:00:36
Speaker
He was like, my son loves this movie. Santa with muscles with Hulk Hogan. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then we saw the cover and I was like, yeah, yeah. I Googled it and I was like, sure. Why not? I'll watch it one day. And then we started this fucking insane endeavor of doing a podcast. So i was like, well, now it's a podcast episode.
02:00:57
Speaker
I. OK. It's a two handed recommendation. If you want to watch some stupid ass shit and you want it to be Christmassy. this is this is your jam if you want to watch a movie that makes any sense logically like if you follow the thread from beginning to end don't watch it yeah but i i had a good time i thought hulk hogan's lack of charisma actually worked for a lot of this because he just seemed confused about why he was there which he may have been um but i i mostly had a good time with it i give it a
02:01:35
Speaker
Soft recommend. Big soft. So, a no, a soft, and Mr. Christmas. Rock hard. This fucking movie was so much fun. and it's it's it's Derek's right, though. it's It's nonsensical, but fucking bring it on, dude. I will watch this with the bleeps next year, or or even this year, maybe. But it's it had that same energy. I remember Derek, when we did Suburban Commando, was like surprised how much he enjoyed it, because it is that, like...
02:02:02
Speaker
Fast, zingy, zany nonsense. This has that. This has a fucking rogues gallery. They're shitty, but it's a rogues gallery of villains. It has Santa with muscles. It's got a couple young um faces you recognize. Always fun to see people that end up becoming somebody.
02:02:19
Speaker
Drawbacks of this movie. It is ah nonsensical, but also it's hard to find. You can only get this on YouTube right now. Yeah. Other than that, like, I mean, I just, I would love to add this to my collection because it's that stupid. Whitney's not wrong to say that she was bored by it because a lot of people would be.
02:02:37
Speaker
I wasn't. It's a goofy Christmas I wanted. I think I need your caveats for it. And I did not. That was not going to hurt. While we were, while we were watching it, Whitney's stomach was upset. So she had like one drink and stopped.
02:02:49
Speaker
you ah You and I did not stop. no I still haven't. So I put on one of those beer helmets and I just put gin and soda and then I went to bed. Tommy's not upset anymore.
02:03:01
Speaker
i will say that you you talked about the rogues gallery. This is the low lowest budget version of like a Batman or whatever rogues gallery of villains.
02:03:13
Speaker
And they are so stupid and so awful. And yet, like, we didn't even mention Mr. Vile or Dr. Vile, whatever he was. His big the gas The gas man? His big fake fucking gopher teeth? It's called a flipper. It's that thing that they give the the little JonBenét Ramseys, the little fucking pageant children to make their teeth perfect. wouldn't In a movie about dead orphans, I wouldn't talk about JonBenét Ramsey. ah But it's it's called a flipper. It's just like, okay, here we go. Drew Barrymore used to wear a flipper when she was younger. This is not anything that... But yeah, no. It's ah a no from me, a soft from husband, and a hard for step husband.
02:03:58
Speaker
i I will, if, like, if next year Jack is, like, i'm putting on Santa with Muscles while we're hanging out, I'll be like, yeah. I'll try it again. I'm in. I'll put, I'll try it again. Hopefully next year I feel better.
02:04:12
Speaker
I'm really hoping that like vinegar syndrome, Severin, arrow, of these companies doesn't put it out on Blu-ray or 4k because if they do, I might buy it.
02:04:26
Speaker
So I really hope they don't. If they do, I will buy it. That's like save, save me 30 to 40 bucks and don't put it out on a high definition format because I'll just, I'd rather watch it on YouTube next year. Yeah. Yeah.
02:04:41
Speaker
That's fair. that's fair That's my recommendation. Like I'll watch it for free on YouTube. But if you put it on a disc, I'll probably buy it. right. So what we got going next, boys.
02:04:53
Speaker
We already ended season three. This is our kind of Christmas special in the the break here. Quick interjection. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Jack put together a fun little trivia thing for Whitney and I for next week's episode. So that will be an episode before we get into January.
02:05:12
Speaker
There is a fun trivia thing that he did based on old episodes that we've done and some reviews that he found of them. Plus, I added a cool little clip show afterwards. It's a couple of things that have been released, a lot of stuff that hasn't, some great stuff from Jack while Whitney and I were out of town. It's just a fun little clip show I cut together.
02:05:34
Speaker
If you check it out on YouTube or at patreon.com slash worst people, there's some fun visuals that go along with that. But if you don't check that out, the audio format will give you all the stuff you need. You just don't have the added visual aspect.
02:05:51
Speaker
so Don't forget to check that out next Monday. We will have that episode. Thank you, guys. Now back to the drunk ramblings at the end of Santa with Muscles. I apologize for drinking too much gin.
02:06:05
Speaker
Season four starts in January and we will be doing January, which is all movies directed by Yanda Bont, who has has been a cinematographer on a bunch of great movies. But he directed a grand total of five movies, which equals four main feeds and one Patreon.
02:06:26
Speaker
Perfect math. And on Patreon on January 1st, we will have Speed. And then on January 5th, we will have our first main feed episode, which will be Twister.
02:06:39
Speaker
It was a close call between Speed and Twister. We let the patrons on our Patreon.com slash worst people decide. And they chose Speed as the Patreon episode. So Twister will be available January 5th. We'll be talking about all about that.
02:06:55
Speaker
Those are his two great movies. And then we have Speed 2 Cruise Control. And then we have The Haunting.
Other Movie Discussions and Recommendations
02:07:03
Speaker
And then we have Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, The Cradle of Life.
02:07:07
Speaker
The second one. The second Angelina Jolie. Okay, this is with Angelina Jolie, right? Yes. right. Yeah, Jon Voight's still there being her dad. It's the last time I think he might have been her dad. Well, that's his most villainous role. For being her dad. Yeah.
02:07:24
Speaker
hu The next episode will be Twister is not available streaming for free anywhere as of recording, but it's $3.99 to rent on Amazon and Apple TV, and it's $7.99 to buy on Apple TV, but $14.99 to buy it on Amazon.
02:07:43
Speaker
That's dumb. So, you know, if you use Amazon, rent it. If you use Apple, buy it. Yeah, I would say so for that price. Because Twister fucking rules. We had a big it was between us. ah All of us were talking about Twister or Speed as the Patreon or the main feed. We let the patrons decide.
02:08:01
Speaker
So we all we recommend both. Obviously. And then
Patreon and Humorous Sign-off
02:08:06
Speaker
as far as this month goes, if you go on patreon.com slash worst people, there are some episodes available there. Now we have gremlins for our mental health episode and we have ah Mary in laws starring kind of George went and Shelly long on our latch key vid segment. Yeah.
02:08:26
Speaker
So thank you guys. And also don't forget until December 31st at 1159 and 59 seconds, you will be able to get your first month of Patreon 50% off.
02:08:39
Speaker
Happy. If you go sign up at patreon.com slash worst people. Happy Mary. We defeated the English. I've been Derek. I'm married to him.
02:08:49
Speaker
We still defeat the English and I'm Jack. Fuck the English. We'll see you next year. Stop and smell the roses. Don't stop and smell the roses.
02:09:26
Speaker
This meeting is being recorded. Everything you say is going to be spectacular. It's a beautiful representation of art. no Even if you're making a fart joke, it is a fart joke that is one of a kind. Much like a 50-50 when you shart. None of them look the same.
02:09:42
Speaker
I collect underwears with poop splatters in them. That is kind of my hobby. I'm like the Cyclops of alcoholics. Yeah. Gene, I'm seeing double, which is not good for a man with laser vision, by the way.
02:09:58
Speaker
Oh, didn't you know it's not lasers? There's a meme that's been going around that was apparently from a comic book sometime. I want to say it looks like a 90s thing, but it's like, no, it's a view. It's a window into a dimension of pure energy. It's a punch dimension.
02:10:14
Speaker
Nope. So it's not actually lasers. It's just punch energy. Nope. Nope. I'm not going to accept that answer, dude. i know that we've done a lot of stupid shit on this podcast, but I am not going to sit here and let you tell me that Cyclops' is eye lasers are a window into a punch dimension. How do I leave this podcast permanently?
02:10:38
Speaker
there is there a leave podcast? I see a leave room. I don't see leave podcast.