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Building Confidence and Self Awareness – a conversation with Trauma Survivor Anu Verma
26 Plays17 days ago
Building self confidence and self-awareness is the key to recovering from trauma and mental illness.
Anu Verma has lived experience of numerous different types of abuse. Anu now works to support other survivors to understand their experiences and learn how to develop the confidence and self-awareness so that they can regain their individual power and live authentically.
WARNING
This episode of Rest and Recreation is a conversation about recovering from the trauma and consequent mental illness that is caused by childhood sexual abuse and abusive adult relationships. The discussion includes references to drug abuse and suicide.
In this episode of the Abeceder work life balance podcast Rest and Recreation, Anu helps host Michael Millward to understand the impact childhood sexual abuse had on her adult life. Anu also explains the passion her experiences gave her for helping other survivors to achieve the same changes in their lives.
Anu and Michael discuss
- The connection between an abusive childhood and abusive relationships in adult life.
- Going from people pleaser to self-first approach to life.
- Breaking free from the opinions of other people.
- Building self-confidence
- Building self-awareness
- The role of exercise in improving mental health
- How to use affirmations to reinforce positive self-beliefs.
Discover more about Anu and Michael at Abeceder.co.uk
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Overview
00:00:05
Speaker
Made on Zencastr. Because Zencastr is the all-in-one podcasting platform that really does make making podcasts so easy. There's a link in the description that will take you to everything you need to know. Hello and welcome to Rest and Recreation, the work-life balance podcast from Abbasida, where we don't tell you what to think, but we are hoping to make you think.
00:00:31
Speaker
I am your host, Michael Millward, the Managing Director of Abbasida.
Meet the Guest: Anu Verma
00:00:36
Speaker
Today, Anu Verma from VictimToVictor.net is going to help me understand how to break trauma cycles and rebuild self-trust.
00:00:49
Speaker
Anu is based in Coventry, a place that I have visited and I did go voluntarily. I was not sent. If I get the chance to go again, I will make my travel arrangements with the Ultimate Travel Club because that is where I can access trade prices on flights, hotels, trains, holidays and all sorts of other travel related purchases.
00:01:10
Speaker
You can also access those trade prices on travel by joining the Ultimate Travel Club and I have put a link in the description with a built-in discount on the subscription fees to make that easy for you.
00:01:23
Speaker
Now that I have paid some bills, it is time to make an episode of rest and recreation that will be well worth listening to, liking, downloading and subscribing to. And also one that you'll probably want to share with your friends, family and work colleagues as well.
Anu's Journey from Trauma to Advocacy
00:01:40
Speaker
Hello, Anu. Hello, thank you so much for having me on and for the fantastic introduction. It was only a very brief introduction about you, but tell me some more about you, Anu. How did you end up doing the job that you do?
00:01:53
Speaker
Absolutely. Well, I always believe that any purpose-driven work always stems from a backstory. And my backstory involved a lot of trauma, where I suffered from complex PTSD.
00:02:07
Speaker
And I suffered for about three decades of my life. And it was only really when I started to heal and started to release all these old wounds that it started to come to light why I was suffering so badly and why I wanted to end my life so badly. And it was because of the sexual abuse abuse that I endured um from the age of three. And then as well as that, the trauma continued in my adult years in domestic abusive relationships, which traumatized me even more. Once I was able to actually understand the trauma responses and the patterns in my life, I then made it my sole purpose to help others to understand you know the ah impact that trauma has on us. I'm just so passionate about making people understand that you know that that they're not alone and that really you know we shouldn't be carrying the shame or the guilt associated with anything that happened to us.
00:03:04
Speaker
Now I am helping people to reclaim their voice, to regain their power and control, to rebuild self-trust and to be able to live much more fulfilling lives You are one of those very lucky people, I think, and it's probably an inappropriate, unfortunate term or phrase to say that sort of thing to someone who's been through this sort of trauma that you have endured.
00:03:29
Speaker
But in many ways, it's given you this passion for making your own life better and the lives of other people and a real opportunity to contribute to to the world and other people's lives as well. Absolutely. Yeah, I feel so blessed because I know the the other journey I could have gone down would have been um and ah journey of abuse, self-sabotage of you know addiction. i could have... continued taking drugs and drinking myself to death but I was so grateful that I survived the attempts that I tried to end my life and I knew you know from that that I had had a bigger purpose that my life wasn't going to end in death so soon in my life and that
00:04:17
Speaker
I had something more than I needed to do with my life. And so it just feels so right for me to be where I am today. I feel like everything bad that's happened to me has happened for a reason.
00:04:29
Speaker
I just feel so blessed now. You know, I practice gratitude every day because of that as well. I can totally understand what you mean that everything's happened to you for a reason to prepare you for this role.
Understanding Trauma's Impact on Relationships
00:04:42
Speaker
One of the things that you said there about the things that you have at a abuse in your life.
00:04:49
Speaker
And then it's almost as if it's also you go looking for a relationship there where you're going to maintain that abuse. Yeah, absolutely. It's true. And the reason why we do that is because we're so stuck in survival mode.
00:05:04
Speaker
Our only need is to feel accepted and to feel validation. And we get that from anybody who gives it to us. And a lot of the times, unfortunately, you know, when we are suffering from trauma, or complex PTSD, it's very normal for us to be attracting partners into our lives who crave power and control. And so they see a vulnerable person, which they all of them saw in me. They were like, okay, she's very vulnerable. i can... really manipulate her, you know, I can do whatever I want, and she'll, she'll love me, she'll bow down to me. And then unfortunately, that creates a very toxic dynamic. And those were the dynamics that I kept falling into relationship after relationship. And it's just, it's a trauma cycle that we're in.
00:05:50
Speaker
you know, and a lot of people they struggle to get out of that. And you know because you you don't really identify it as being toxic, because it's so normal, you think that's what life is, you know, a relationship is meant to be that damaging, but it's really not. When you use that word normal, that is the word that was going through my head, people are in these situations, because their perception is, as a result of the trauma that they've been through, this is what life is like you can't change it you can't stop it you can't do anything about it's just how life is one of the things which is ah something that i've not really heard before is this idea of rebuilding self-trust it's such an interesting phrase yeah like okay do i trust myself that how many different ways can i think of
00:06:43
Speaker
that would demonstrate that I don't actually trust myself. So many of those things, like I will always double check that I've locked the door. That's a very minor form. It's a habit. Some people might say, well, that's obsessive compulsive disorder. And that's what I mean by, if you can give it a name that is connected with mental health, then that is almost like a sign that your self-trust is not as high as it could be.
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah. I think that was a fantastic example as well, because normally, you know, when I talk about self-trust, it's kind of trusting our own intuition, our own decisions, because a lot of us don't, you know, we we don't feel very confident in decisions that we make, which is why we kind of, you know, we rely on on other people. And then really when we're doing that, we're We're giving away a lot of our own power and control.
00:07:37
Speaker
And that can it can put and put us into very vulnerable
Aligning Lifestyle Choices with Personal Values
00:07:42
Speaker
situations. And so, yeah, my whole work is to empower people to trust themselves and to understand you know what needs they need fulfilling within themselves. And to never settle for anything else, you know, like a big need, which a lot of clients have when they're single and they're looking for a partner is, you know, they want to find a partner and have children with them.
00:08:07
Speaker
However, when they're dating, a lot of the guys that they're meeting, they don't want children. And it's like, you know, what what do they do? Do they then get with these partners knowing that that this new partner doesn't want a child? Or do they continue looking for a partner who does want a child, you know, who can obviously be relatable with their own needs? And so I think that that's an example that I'm seeing a lot in this day and age, especially amongst the younger generation. People almost knowing what they want, but then settling the second best because that's what they've been able to get. Exactly. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.
00:08:44
Speaker
And I suppose in many ways, you have to think about where are you likely to find the person who want to wants to live the same life as you? And yeah most people in my day you went to the pub you went to nightclubs and nowadays the youngsters are all on apps of one form or another the people are presenting themselves in their best light yes it and yet what we need i suppose is to decide how is it that we want to live live our lives yeah and then put ourselves in situations that enable us to do that
00:09:21
Speaker
So if you want to spend lots of time in the country, don't join a rambling club or move to the country. Yes, exactly. If you want to live in the city, if you want the urban metropolitan lifestyle, then move from the little cottage in the country to the metropolitan lifestyle.
00:09:39
Speaker
That's true. You're not going to fu fulfill a life unless you're actually, I suppose, physically there. But a lot of the work that understand you do is about finding those lifestyle practices, the that are going to give you the opportunity to be the person that you really want to be. I'm just thinking that there's always an excuse, there's always a reason why we couldn't do that or we can't do that. And then we look back and think, like, I should have done that.
00:10:07
Speaker
Exactly. And it's all about, you know, understanding and identifying your needs and what makes you feel fulfilled. And, you know, we live in a society where a lot of people, I feel like they're they've lost their own conscious thoughts because they're living on autopilot or they're looking at what others are doing. And social media has a lot to play for that. And so they're trying to copy these lives of other people.
00:10:33
Speaker
and forgetting what they actually wanted in the first place. and So there's a lot of noise, you know, people's own perceptions and thoughts on life. They're just getting lost in this noise, this craziness. How easy is it for someone to accept, realise that they are doing exactly what you've just been told, living their lives to fulfil other people's expectations or for trying to fulfil this sanitised media image that what you are supposed to be. Yeah, theyre very interesting. I mean, it's not very easy, because what it involves is understanding yourself to such a level that, you know, you understand what makes you like you understand how how you behave, you understand why you feel a certain way, you understand why you have certain emotions.
00:11:25
Speaker
And that's not very easy for people to actually practice because it means being very self aware. And self awareness is probably the number one um tool which we can all learn as of today, because when you're self aware,
00:11:44
Speaker
your your relationships improve, you know, your career choices and partner choices, if you're so if you're single, they improve, because you know yourself so well that,
00:11:55
Speaker
you know, you will then attract whatever it is that you're meant to because you know yourself
Daily Practices for Mental Clarity
00:12:02
Speaker
that much. And that's it. You know, you you won't attract anything that doesn't resonate with you.
00:12:08
Speaker
And so self-awareness, it's like for me, it's been a very subtle shift because It doesn't involve you just sitting for an hour meditating once a week.
00:12:21
Speaker
It involves you having a micro practice daily, like just a small ritual, like five or 10 minutes of intentional practices, you know, whether that's breathing. Like I know um breathing's become a very ah big ah way to actually breathe.
00:12:39
Speaker
center ourselves and there's so much out there now so you know go online go onto youtube and just do five ten minutes of breathing exercises stretching you know and embodiment coaching that's fantastic as well and again go onto youtube you can find lot of different stretching and embodiment um exercises there i'm going to stop you there because get the feeling that i'm getting a lot of therapist type words there okay i want to understand them a lot more before we go because you're talking about breathing exercises and stretching exercises and one of things that comes to mind there would then be things like yoga and pilates yeah where i have done both although i recognize that they are very similar my preference is pilates yeah one this may be a strange thing to say
00:13:29
Speaker
But it's very difficult, I find, to think about anything else when you are concentrating on getting your breathing right, your moving or tightening, stretching the the right muscle at the right time in combination with other muscles and with your breathing.
00:13:47
Speaker
to actually think about all the other things that are going on in the world and after an hour of Pilates you do feel just ah ah relax you know it's it it it is relaxing it is proper physical exercise don't get me wrong yeah but there is something about that You have to coordinate your body. You have to coordinate your breathing. You have to coordinate your balance. All sorts of different things that really just cleanses your mind. It's like, I suppose one of the therapist type words to use it might be, it's it's very grounding. that
00:14:28
Speaker
you're you It's nice to do it outside ah wound bare feet and actually throw the earth. and That's the best. We all have to find a way that clears our brain, I think, and just allows us to focus on just being us without any judgment. Absolutely. Yeah. And I was going to mention also journaling. That's been a fantastic way for us to start to really ah gather our thoughts in a more constructive way, because we're using the prefrontal cortex, which is the logical part of the brain, rather than just being in our thoughts and just, you know feeling anxious or fearful because that's what happens. You know, our thoughts are crazy. They can drive us insane. And so yeah, journaling is a fantastic way to then make sense of these thoughts.
00:15:21
Speaker
Yeah. With my HR professionals hat on, I have had opportunities to have conversations with people who are arriving in my HR office.
00:15:32
Speaker
So that's seething with anger and rage. to tell me about either their manager, a work colleague, someone in the organization, or even sometimes occasionally outside the organization, is just the the world would be a better place if they could move to the other side of the world type of thing.
00:15:52
Speaker
Right? And you sit in there and you listen to it all and then you go, okay, what do we do now? and say, I'm serious. Talking about it helps. But very often, myself, I'll say to people, and it is a form of journaling, just write everything down.
00:16:09
Speaker
Don't type it into a computer. Take some paper, pen, pencil. Just write everything down. Get it off your chest. And then just tear it and put it through the shredder. Absolutely. Yeah. yeah It's where to ma is this whole idea of we are it's like we're a rechargeable battery but we can only store so much and you got me thinking you know the aim of all of our opposite podcasts is to make people think and you've made me think that we are this rechargeable battery and we we will take down the energy in the battery and we have a choice between whether we recharge with negative energy or with positive energy and it's always easier
00:16:57
Speaker
There's some reason to focus on the negative rather than the positive.
Media Influence and Mental Health
00:17:01
Speaker
It is. Yeah, that seems to be our default. And it's not our fault. You know, it's the fact that that's how we've been conditioned. And it doesn't help that.
00:17:10
Speaker
you know, the news and the radio, everything that that we're exposed to on a daily basis and even social media, if you open up a lot of these channels, it's all negative news. I mean, at the moment, it's all about the wall. And yeah, you know, ah there's a lot of empathy when it comes to stuff like that. And there's ah there is a lot of fear.
00:17:31
Speaker
But when it's the first thing that you're waking up to, then it's not going to be doing your nervous system any good at all. No, not at all. And what you're talking about, I suppose, is we can listen to the news, read about it, watch it, and have a logical reaction to it. And so it's on another part of the world, or we can analyze the news and form an opinion about it.
00:17:58
Speaker
And that's almost got this feeling of that's a positive way to consider the news. yeah But at the same time, we can have an emotional reaction to the news or an emotional reaction to something that we see someone else doing.
00:18:15
Speaker
And I get the feeling that that is generally going to be something that is a negative reaction. yeah And so I suspect that quite a lot of the work that you do is helping people to understand how to calm their emotions when they're faced with something that I suppose in, in in therapist type language might be described as a trigger.
Grounding Techniques for Trauma Recovery
00:18:38
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And the one of the most key, um the the key sessions that we do, like the first few sessions that we do together in my sessions is stabilisation, safety and just grounding work. to enable the client to feel safe because a lot of ah trauma clients, they don't feel safe in their body.
00:19:02
Speaker
And so, yeah a lot of these grounding practices I think, yeah, you you did, you you mentioned a really nice one there, and an uneasy one, especially if you don't have fake grass. If you have real grass, then to just go out barefoot and just stand on the grass.
00:19:20
Speaker
That is grounding for you because us and the nature, you know, we were born to be in sync with each other. Sometimes when I hear about all this tree chopping going on, thinking, no, what are you doing? You know, we need trees. because you know we we there's photosynthesis and respiration and you know we we obviously respire and plants photosynthesize which is why we you know we're meant to be together so so nature has been a such a fantastic way to ground a lot of my clients and I would recommend anybody if you're feeling a bit nervous or anxious and just a bit edgy, then, you know just try and find somewhere where they have trees and just go for a nature walk or just sit on a bench somewhere and absorb the the beauty of nature.
00:20:09
Speaker
It's getting outside and people suppose it in some place have a screen saver, if working in an office, have a screen saver that has a picture of of fields, open fields rather than a picture of kittens. Nothing wrong with kittens.
00:20:26
Speaker
But it's the connection to outdoor spaces, to greenery, to nature is that has ah an impact on our mental health is what we're saying.
00:20:36
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. It does. Yeah, because you're right. I mean, you know, we live in ah a bit of a box world, don't we? Where, ah you know, women are we're in our homes and. either that or we're in the car or we're in the office and then we have our computers or our laptops or our phones. And it's just just all very technology crazy indoors. and So to actually step outside can be such a breath of fresh air.
00:21:02
Speaker
it's It's like, it's like being born again, you know, yeah I suppose in some ways it's like you go into work, for example, at the start of the day and everything is fine during the process of the day.
00:21:17
Speaker
you can feel the tension, the stress rising because of things that you might have control over or might not have control over. But what you're saying is that if through the grounding process that you talk about, you can get people to understand and identify the point at which they are going, yeah, I know that I'm at that point where I have a choice.
Posture and Affirmations in Mental Health
00:21:44
Speaker
I can either carry on doing exactly what I'm doing now and I'm going to go home in a foul mood or I recognize what is happening today what I really need to do is go out and walk around the car park or walk around that the field or do something that reconnects and instead of walking around and looking at your feet walk around and admire the view admire the birds you because when you're looking at your feet your head is heavier than it would be if you stand upright that's one of things i learned from one of our podcasts is that if you sit or stand looking at the ground because your head is not wow properly between your shoulder blades as it bends over it gets heavier
00:22:32
Speaker
And that has a sort of metaphor for a mood. yeah If you are looking down at the ground, you're going to have a negative type of mood.
00:22:44
Speaker
Look up, look out to the horizon, and you're more likely to have a positive mood. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. And it's all about the posture as well and the state ah physiological state, because when we look when we're looking up, ultimately, our breathing pipe is going to be expanded, which means you can breathe better and your shoulders are going to be back. Your chest is going to be out. And with that comes empowerment as well. you know, you actually if you do that now, just sitting there, just, you know, feel feel your power.
00:23:16
Speaker
it Ultimately, it can have such an impact on your mental state. yeah just a second to do that i'm adjusting myself in my rather creaky chair well you are quite right if i sit upright in the chair and can feel this back of the chair against my lower back and i'm sitting upright but but just try it everyone just try it because it does have an impact and it's it's actually more powerful, more authoritative, more positive about where I am because I've got both feet on the floor.
00:23:52
Speaker
I can see the right angle in my legs and my back is against the chair. So yeah, I totally get what you mean. It's just all sorts things as if there's all sorts of little things that we can do to improve our mood and start that process of getting to understand the trauma and its impact, but also If you can feel more positive, the more of the time you are more likely to start trusting yourself more.
00:24:26
Speaker
Definitely, definitely. Yeah. And it's just, again, because I'm really into, you know, the micro practices and things like affirmations, you know, affirmations have such an important impact on us because lot of our self-talk, again, this is to do conditioning, but it tends to be quite negative. Like when you look in the mirror, the first thing that you notice are areas of improvement, whereas how about areas of improvement. I totally get what you mean by that. know, one of things that you dislike about yourself, but how about looking in the mirror and noticing the beauty, noticing just what you're so grateful for? You know, it the colour of your eyes? the fact you have great hair or, you know, so just look and start to practise positive self-talk.
00:25:19
Speaker
Because that self-talk, I think the most important, powerful conversations that we have are the ones that we have with ourselves. It is. Yeah, absolutely. And I always advise people to have reminders come up on their phones, affirmation reminders. Just set set them up for every three hours because just constant daily reminders, they're the ones that are going to then be the most impactful in the long run.
00:25:45
Speaker
Just things like, you know, I am loved, I am enough. I can achieve anything I want to. I am so great at my job. I have the most loving relationships. And so what happens is eventually your nervous system starts to believe that and you start to act that way as well.
00:26:03
Speaker
And you know, it's, it's starting today. I mean, if you don't want reminders on your phone, then how about sticky notes, stick sticky notes all over your desk or at home. So nobody can see them on your mirror. When you look at yourself and you look at everything you love about yourself, have these affirmations up there so that they're just being instilled into you on a constant and and daily basis.
00:26:29
Speaker
I totally get that. I can totally see what you mean in terms of Yeah, we're talking to ourselves. Very often the things that we say about ourselves are much worse than anyone else would ever say to us.
00:26:43
Speaker
it's And I suppose in some ways it's not that other people don't like us. yeah It's that we don't like ourselves. But we believe that other people don't like us because that's easier than accepting that we're just not happy with ourselves. But they're it's not almost...
00:27:03
Speaker
um you don't need some great big shockwave type moment to start making the small steps that will change how you perceive yourself and then make other things available to you as well which think is uh is great if like i say you've certainly got me thinking and um not everything that i'm thinking is like um is is pleasant because you've made me think about things that, yes, okay, I do do that thing.
00:27:36
Speaker
do talk to myself in a negative way. and But you've made me aware of that and given me the opportunity because of my awareness now to rethink it and to perhaps come up with something else that I could be thinking to myself.
Conclusion and Reflections on Self-awareness
00:27:52
Speaker
but Thank you.
00:27:54
Speaker
a new It's been thrilling. I've really learned lot. Thank you very much. do appreciate your time. It's been great. Thank you so much for having me on. This has been such a fruitful conversation. I've really enjoyed it. Well, I have and I hope that we'll get to have another conversation as well in the future. Me too. But for today, thank you very much. Thank you so much.
00:28:15
Speaker
I am Michael Millward, the Managing Director of Abu Siddha. And in this episode of Rest and Recreation, I have been having a conversation with Anu Verma from VictimToVictor.net.
00:28:27
Speaker
you can find out more information about both of us by using the links in the description at rest and recreation we are always interested in positive aging and part of that means knowing the risks early and the best ways to know the risks early is to have an annual or regular health test the annual health test from york test provides an assessment of 39 different health markers including cholesterol levels diabetes risk
00:28:58
Speaker
levels of vitamins, folic acid, all sorts of various different things. The annual health test is conducted by an experienced lobotomist who will complete a full blood draw at your home or workplace.
00:29:10
Speaker
Hospital standard tests are carried out in a UKAS CQC compliant laboratory. You can access your easy to understand results and guidance to help you make effective lifestyle changes anytime via your secure Personal Wellness hub account.
00:29:26
Speaker
There is a link and, as you would expect, a discount code in the description. I am sure that you will have enjoyed listening to this episode of Rest and Recreation as much as Anu and I have enjoyed making it. So please give it a like and download it so you can listen anytime, anywhere.
00:29:41
Speaker
To make sure you don't miss out on future episodes, please subscribe. Remember, the aim of all podcasts produced by Abbasida is not to tell you what to think. We do hope to have made you think.
00:29:54
Speaker
Until the next episode of Rest and Recreation, thank you for listening and goodbye.