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A Cup of Tea on the Commode– a conversation with author Mark Steven Porro
11 Plays1 day ago
Mark Steven Porro’s Multi-Tasking Adventures of Caring for Mom. And How He Survived to Tell the Tale
Mark Steven Porro is an entrepreneur, actor and writer, who gave it all up to become the full-time carer for his mother.
What do writers do when they have a life-changing experience? They write about it!
That is exactly what he did and created A Cup of Tea on the Commode. My Multi-Tasking Adventures of Caring for Mom. And How I Survived to Tell the Tale, an award-winning bestseller.
In this at times humorous and yet also poignant episode of the Abeceder work life balance podcast Rest and Recreation, Mark and host Michael Millward discuss their individual experiences of being a carer for older relatives.
They discuss how life changes for both carers and their relative; the change in relationship dynamic; adapting to their different perception of the world; the new skills a carer must develop; and the new experiences, and many more issues associated with being a carer.
This episode of Rest and Recreation is ideal listening for anyone who has or is about to have a care responsibility for an older relative.
Discover more about Mark Steven and Michael at Abeceder.co.uk
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Transcript
Introduction to Zencastr
00:00:05
Speaker
Made on Zencastr. Because Zencastr is the all-in-one podcasting platform that really does make every stage of the podcast production process so easy.
Podcast Overview: 'Rest and Recreation'
00:00:17
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Rest and Recreation, the work-life balance podcast from Abbasida, where we don't tell you what to think, but we do hope to make you think.
00:00:28
Speaker
I am your host, Michael Millward, Managing Director of Abbasida.
Guest Introduction: Mark Stephen Poro
00:00:33
Speaker
Today i am learning about caring for a parent from Mark Stephen Poro, who has written a book about his experiences of caring for his mother, A Cup of Tea on the Commode, My Multitasking Adventures of Caring for Mom and How I Survived to Tell the Tale.
Travel Club Membership Insights
00:00:51
Speaker
Mark is based in France, but originally from the United States of America. I have visited both countries, and if I ever get the chance to go again, To either of them, I will make use of my membership of the Ultimate Travel Club to make all of my travel arrangements.
00:01:07
Speaker
This is because as a member of the Ultimate Travel Club, I have access to trade prices on flights, hotels, trains, holidays, and all sorts of other travel related purchases. Use the link in the description to join the Ultimate Travel Club, which has an automatic discount built in and just like me, you will be traveling at trade prices.
Caregiving Experiences and Bonding
00:01:26
Speaker
Now that I have paid some bills, it is time to make an episode of rest and recreation that will be well worth listening to liking downloading and subscribing to and good enough to share with your family friends and work colleagues as well hello mark hi michael it's good to be here it's good that you are able to be here i'm really looking forward to this conversation because We have something in common. Well, you were a carer for your mother and I am a carer for my parents. So I'm comparing my experiences with yours as I'm reading the book and it's like, just bring a smile to my face. Oh good, I'm glad.
00:02:04
Speaker
It's a laugh out loud book early at times, but only because it's so realistic, I think. The book is about your experiences as a carer. What was it that you did before you were a carer?
00:02:16
Speaker
Well, at at the time this happened, february early February 2011, And I was living the carefree bachelor life in Los Angeles, California. I was an actor for many years. I did a lot of work and had a pretty good career, but I also had a snack food business, an organic popcorn snack business that my brother and I started to honor my dad. And so that was the most important thing going on at the time. But I had never been married. i had no children. This incident happened with my mom where she was on her
00:02:49
Speaker
what we thought at the time, her deathbed, and she was living in the house that we all grew up in, in New Jersey. So I flew home. we We weren't sure if our mother was gonna be with us for hours, days, weeks at that point. So my life kind of changed, because you you have your, what could have been the last hours with your mother, and and you kind of reprioritize, I think, your life.
Challenges and Humor in Caregiving
00:03:16
Speaker
Yes. But I also looked around. She was living in the house that used to be a beautiful, welcoming home. And we had a a family living upstairs that was supposed to kind of oversee things and take care of the household duties. At that point, my mom could still walk and and and function and take care of herself. But we wanted someone to keep her company and and do the grocery shopping and and cooking and things like that to make her life a little easier. but She did not get along with these people. And i she did suffer from some depression throughout her life, but she kept it well hidden from us. But at this point, I think she looked around and said, if this is going to be my last few years, I'm out of here.
00:03:59
Speaker
I'm not happy. So she kind of willed herself to go. her doctor cut off all meds and called hospice. And when hospice comes, the end's usually not a good one. So all her kids flew in. She had six children. We all came in. And she was kind of, I called it a semi-comatose state. She was in her bed.
00:04:19
Speaker
She didn't move. We were just waiting. They said she's going to transition. So hospice came in and they did daily bathing while she was in bed and things like that. And again, we weren't sure how long mom was going to be here, but my my younger sister and I stepped in and asked hospice to teach us.
00:04:40
Speaker
as much as they could because we wanted to take care of our mothers as much as we were allowed to while she was still here. And they were great. They were very generous in teaching us the tips and tricks of how to handle. that point, my mother had some bed sores, so we took care of the medical issues. We learned how to sponge bathe properly and change her diapers and and also change the bedding with a help helpless patient in bed, which was very helpful. And it was great. And I think my mom sensed that love was back in the house and her kids were there. We loved her and we wanted her to stick around. After a few weeks, she snapped out of it.
00:05:16
Speaker
And that's when I felt that I had to step in because again, I was living on the opposite coast, enjoying life. And a lot of the responsibility, at least at that point, fell on my older brother who took care of all the family finances and and stopped in on a daily basis to check in on her and hired the people who were there.
00:05:36
Speaker
i felt a little guilty and said, I got to step in and take some of the weight off his shoulders. And that was the the beginning of my adventures. I don't think it's dissimilar to experiences that I've heard about when I've been talking to other carers.
00:05:50
Speaker
It's not something that is necessarily planned, but the circumstances arise that mean that something has to happen. I've spoken to lots of carers who have said it's great to have the support from the professionals, but I don't really want my parents to have full time professional care if it's something that I can do for them.
00:06:13
Speaker
Right. This is kind of where my acting came into play, because at that point I was 55. My mom just turned 89. And I'm seeing my mother naked for the first time.
00:06:24
Speaker
And that was a bit of a shock. But I kind of said, listen, I am now playing the role of caregiver. So I have to get over it and get on with it because I have a job to do.
00:06:35
Speaker
And I also didn't want my mother to feel uncomfortable because I didn't want her feeling guilty that her her kids and specifically her son was taking care of her. I kept the sense of humor is very important. So I kept the humor up. I one of my goals was to make her laugh at least once a day. I looked for and it's a motto that I kind of i kind of guides my life. I looked for the joy in it. Yes, because it's a very stressful job mentally, physically and and emotionally. But if you focus on looking for the joy and and even the little aspects of caregiving, it takes a lot of the weight off your shoulders.
00:07:15
Speaker
And, and that's what helped me quite a bit. There is no point in sort of thinking I could be I should be, but I can't because I'm here. You are here. You're adding value into someone else's life. and And as a result of that, there's an awful lot that you gained from it as well.
00:07:31
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, just the I mentioned the little things, you know, making but see, making her laugh, or just seeing her smile. um ah when you did something simple for her you give her a hug uh make her feel special uh tea was a big deal so a hot cup of tea for my mom was a big deal so seeing her smile and and enjoying that cup of tea those are just lovely moments that uh that I I still think about and of course tea is part of the of part of the book title and a cup of tea on the commode
00:08:08
Speaker
I am wondering actually how many people will know what a commode is. sir If you've not never had to actually deal with one, you might not know about them. But what is a commode? Well, in the States, commode is just another word for the toilet.
00:08:23
Speaker
It just sounds better. But ah the commode that we're talking about is a bedside commode. So it's a portable thing with a bucket. And at that point, my mother getting her in and out of the bathroom was not an easy task. Um, so we, we set a commode bedside and so it was just a couple steps to get to this thing. Mother nature sometimes took a little longer than was ah comfortable for either one of us. I knew she loved tea. So one day kind of as a joke, I said, would you like a cup of tea while we're waiting?
00:08:53
Speaker
She said yes. And so I served her a cup of tea, skim milk, no sugar, and it was a hit. And so every morning we, uh, I served her a cup of tea while she sat on the commode. So, yes, yeah, during the writing, you know I didn't think that much of it. Again, it was one of those little gestures that turned out to be something very special.
00:09:12
Speaker
But while I was writing the book that popped up and I said, wow, that that could be a very catchy title. And it's turned out to be just that. Yes. All of the chapters in the book start with a little five or six lines of a little anecdote.
00:09:27
Speaker
And the there is one about being on the commode. And I don't want to tell people it now because I think like it's nice to sort of turn the page and discover it And it's impossible. I just go back and read it. And that makes me smile again and again.
00:09:42
Speaker
Even now, it's the one that starts with I'm done. You know what I mean? Yep. i am ah I'm a writer. I did writing in Hollywood and stuff like that. not Not on any major scale, but I wrote screenplays and I wrote jokes and So writing was kind of second nature. So while i started this, this was a three and a half year adventure.
00:10:02
Speaker
And I was privy to a lot of really special moments and some interesting conversations with my mom because she did suffer a little bit from dementia at the time.
Navigating Dementia with Empathy and Humor
00:10:12
Speaker
And she had some interesting visions. And I didn't want my siblings to miss out on these moments. So I started either recording them or writing them down. And there were moments like the the one i believe you're talking about where I thought this was it No, it's chapter eight, entitled Be Patient, which if you are going to be a carer for your parent or anyone else, patience is the most valuable of all of the skills, I think, that you will need. Yeah. And it it does it does start off, well, you've told people enough about it now. We might as well... learn
00:10:44
Speaker
might might as well as tell people what it is yeah yeah this is the one yeah this is the one again uh you know I I wanted to make her laugh once a day but she ended up making me laugh quite a bit she she and my dad both had a really good sense of humor yeah and luckily they passed that down to their kids and so yeah if it's all right how about if I play your mom in this particular scenario and you be you right Stephen I'm going oh no is this it I'm finished. What being great.
00:11:18
Speaker
We had a few moments like that. There was another one where I gave her a big hug. yeah She wore dentures at this time and she rarely was without those teeth. I never saw her without her teeth when I was growing up.
00:11:34
Speaker
And at this time, you know, I had to take them out and clean them a couple of times a day. And she always wanted them right back and she slept with them. Those were a big deal. so While her dentures were soaking this one morning, I give her a hug because that's another little gesture that we forget how important those things are. And as we get older and people get older, it's hard to give them a hug when they're lying in bed. Yes. And if they have trouble standing, those hugs kind of disappear. Yes. We had another one of our rituals was morning hugs.
00:12:06
Speaker
Her teeth are soaking and her mind is on her teeth and I'm giving her a hug. and she says my teeth and i said mama we're having a moment she said give me my teeth she had no interest in the moment without her teeth uh even though i think she loved the hugs but you know the the focus was was on those darn teeth which is which is great because yeah without that boy an entirely different mother yeah yes yes it's that's chapter five isn't it
00:12:39
Speaker
I don't know. you' You're giving me quizzes. I don't know. i wrote them for them. I don't study darn thing. Anyway, so those things, that's what I wanted to put in almost every chapter were yeah these little bits of some of our conversations because they were very funny and I think, yeah, I think they'll make other people laugh as well. Yes, they definitely made me laugh.
00:13:00
Speaker
The subtitle of the book is My Multitasking Adventures of Caring for Mom and How I Survived to Tell the Tale. Now, I get the multitasking bit like because I know that you have to do all sorts of various different things. in that Right. so There is a definite element of you having to sort of keep your mind on the thing that you've got to do to earn a living and also the thing that you've got to do to caring and what are they doing and what was that noise.
00:13:26
Speaker
Whilst I'm trying to focus on this, but there's a noise that is quite unusual, so we've got to go and investigate that type thing. But the adventure part, why did you describe it as an adventure? Well, for me, being a bachelor with no children and and never married, some people say I had commitment issues. I think I have to accept that because now i'm in my 60s and still no marriage. Though I have a long-term girlfriend, and I think we're fine. But I think every new thing I go into, I think of it as an adventure because, again, that gets that makes it a little lighter. And, again, with my motto, finding the joy. So if you're going to start of something new,
00:14:02
Speaker
I never thought of it at all. This is going to be a chore. this is oh This is going to be hard because I started a lot of businesses. Unfortunately, most of them were ended up being nonprofit, but each one of those was an adventure. And when I started the next adventure, I took what i learned from the previous one, and hopefully that would help.
00:14:20
Speaker
the next one be a little more successful. So ah tackling this thing again, I'm changing diapers. My first kid was my 90 year old mom. And also while I was there doing that stuff, the house that we all grew up in was no longer, it needed, it was in disrepair. So it needed some help. So that was where some of the multitasking. So I not only cared for my mom and I guess rehabilitated her, I rehabilitated the homes too.
00:14:46
Speaker
So I rebuilt the house from but from bottom to top. and kept her involved. And it was great because I asked her for her opinion on paint colors and things like that, because it was still her house and carpet and things like that. And whenever I finished a floor. I would take her either up or down, carry her up or down to to take a look at it.
00:15:07
Speaker
It was great fun. But that's a little bit where the dementia came in, because when I started renovating, she'd be sitting in the the normal routine was after breakfast. I would sit her in the living room where she could watch the Animal Planet or some other game show on television or something. So I would run out to Home Depot and I'd be coming in with all all these supplies, two by fours and paint and For about five days in a row, she would see me passing by with all these materials. And she says, what is going on? And I said, mom, I'm rebuilding your house. And she goes, well, who is paying for all that?
00:15:44
Speaker
I said, well, you are. So you better cheer up because you may have to go back to work. And the next day, the same conversation. Next day, same conversation. So I started my routine of when I came back from Home Depot, I passed the McDonald's and they had a berry smoothie. And I know my mom liked anything, you know, anything from McDonald's really, because she liked the little trinkets that came with it. So I bought her a berry smoothie. So whenever she started asking those questions again, I just stuck a berry smoothie in her hand and she was fine. Answering the same questions at the same time every day.
00:16:17
Speaker
And again, that's where the patience comes in because, you know, they're still your loved one. They're going to be a little slow physically and certainly mentally. And you just got to hang in with it That's where empathy really comes in. Empathy is a very important i think a thing to to certainly develop and because you really have to put yourself in their shoes.
00:16:36
Speaker
Yes. There is that element ah of seeing the world as they see it yeah and working with that world rather than high-flying business, movie-making world. it's it's This is the world that we are in. Right.
00:16:51
Speaker
So that you can so you've become a better carer if you can see the world as they see it. Right. And
Balancing Caregiving and Personal Well-being
00:16:58
Speaker
especially if they have dementia or Alzheimer's, that makes it more difficult, I think, for both parties. So she had some visions and I never said, oh, mom, you're crazy. I i would just say, what are you seeing?
00:17:11
Speaker
Oh, that's very interesting. Tell me about that. and And there were moments where she called me crazy because she said, do you see the children on the ceiling? And I say, oh, the children. OK. And they're wearing chocolate coats.
00:17:26
Speaker
And I said, chocolate coats, their coats are made of chocolate or the chocolate color. And she goes, don't be silly. Of course, they're chocolate colored. And it was like, OK, I got it. Fantastic.
00:17:39
Speaker
You know, or we'd have arguments about who was on TV. and There was a John Wayne movie playing and I knew she liked John Wayne at that point. That was you know her era. And I said, you like John Wayne. She goes, yes, I like John.
00:17:51
Speaker
But that's not John Wayne. I said, Mom, we're watching a John Wayne movie. She said, understand, but that's not John Wayne. And so I said, OK, that's not John Wayne. So always say that's where the humor.
00:18:04
Speaker
Who was he? ah i I didn't get that from her. All I knew was I was wrong. oh yes. Yes, you often know. How dare I say that was John Wayne. Yes. And ah i know and she liked toow she liked to still give my motherly advice.
00:18:21
Speaker
One day she said, you know, I have been here a long time and I have not had one glass of water. And I said, mom, you don't like water. You like juice and tea.
00:18:31
Speaker
She goes, well, and I said, okay, I'll get you one now. She goes, make it cold. And so I brought her a cold glass of water and she says, you know, you're supposed to drink eight glasses of water a day.
00:18:44
Speaker
And I said, yeah, where'd you hear that? She goes, I don't know. And I said, well, that's one you got seven more to go she goes no thanks and she was done but she still wanted to give me my health advice well health advice that takes us on to that other aspect of the of the subtitle but how you survived to tell the tale why use the word survive Because the way in which you recount this the story in the book and listening to you talk about it now, it's not a is it's not a negative experience for you. and so
00:19:23
Speaker
But you do talk about it in terms of surviving. So for me, that word means that but i I got through it. I managed it. I'm on the other side. So there's a slightly negative aspect to for me to the word, but actually a very positive aspect because you did survive. You got through it. But I'm wondering about why you've used that that word in the title itself well one of the um uh the main tips uh from hospice is um you've got to take breaks you've got it you've got to take care of yourself before you can properly care for your loved one right it's like in the the airplane they said i was just thinking the same thing they with the oxygen mask Put your gas mask on first before you try and help someone else.
00:20:08
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't listen to that advice. I'm a guy. I can handle it. Now, when this whole thing originally started and the regular hospice people or the real hospice people were there, my sister and I took breaks because we had someone on duty. But most of the time I was there, I was the guy.
00:20:26
Speaker
So I didn't take breaks. I didn't think I needed them. And I literally almost died because of, I guess, stress. I ended up having three major surgeries ah during this thing. And they said that stress could have been the the thing that that that set it off. And so I definitely learned my lesson. And it would have been a very interesting. or Or the book certainly wouldn't have happened. It would have had a definitely a different ending yes that someone else had to finish for me. So I did survive. And actually, one of the great motivations of that was I wanted to get back and take care of my mom. So that helped me try to heal as fast as I could. I again, I took that experience as a positive one.
00:21:12
Speaker
So the stress of being a carer, it could have been a trigger for the illnesses that you had, but your recuperation was faster because you knew you had this responsibility that you needed to take. Right.
00:21:25
Speaker
It's ah strange, so like mix of things. But if it works, it works. But after that, you then started taking more time to actually relax and look after yourself.
00:21:37
Speaker
Well, I had to because I couldn't do the the physical work anymore. And that's what we had to have someone come in to help. So then we kind of became a team. So I was more of a supervisor. And as I got better than I took on more and more. But Yeah, they they did some major work on me. So it took a while to recuperate. And you're right
Lessons on Love and Empathy from Caregiving
00:21:57
Speaker
now. But what sort of things did you find to do for your own rest and recreation in order to help manage your health and the stress levels and and clear your head? What sort of things did you take up?
00:22:08
Speaker
Well, it's interesting because when i rebuilt the house, the basement was the first floor that I did. And I actually put a man cave in there I had ah i had ah a treadmill. And I bought weights and I bought actually a rowing machine also because I knew I needed stress relief. There was ah ah a good amount of stress relief when I tore the place up because removing walls and old two by fours and things like that from a house built at that point, it was like in the 1930s. That took a lot of work and that was great as far as stress relief
00:22:41
Speaker
But even with that, just because the ah the physical, mental and emotional stuff creeps up on us as caregivers. So after i just yeah, I guess I just was more aware of taking breaks and taking my time. and And the lady who came in to help us, her name was Marina. She was wonderful, but she always took Sunday off. She had her own apartment. She maintained the rest of the week. She stayed at our house. She had that rule and and kept to it. Yeah, that was a a wonderful lesson for me. And so then I filled in for her on those days. And so and it was great because um we just ended up being a really good team. She helped. She did most of the physical work at that point, but I did a lot of other things. Great. When you look back on the experience, do you see a different you to the person that you were? Yes. A couple of things I'd say I learned. I learned certainly what unconditional love really was about. One of my, I guess, MOs was if I got bored and this might be part of my commitment issues. If I got bored, I moved on. That was in sports.
00:23:46
Speaker
or in school or anything else, I would achieve a certain level where I was satisfied and then said, okay, I'm going to move on to something usually more difficult. But with mom, it was there was no moving on until she wanted to move on. So no matter how you feel or how how much let's say the stress gets you or how much you want to maybe kill that person in a certain moment, you know you really get to feel what a parent goes through. You still got to be there for them. yes no matter how you feel about And so that was a huge lesson for me. And so I think that has certainly resonated in my life from from that point forward.
00:24:21
Speaker
And so I think that would that wouldd be the main thing. Empathy I had. I thought I had a good grasp on empathy because I have a ah design degree and I worked in the design business for years. And you really have to take into consideration the end user of the product or the brochure or the photograph or anything that your client is seeing and reacting to.
00:24:42
Speaker
And so you really, again, have to put yourself in their shoes. So empathy, I had a pretty good, I think, grasp of. ah Patience, another thing. I grew up in Jersey. People in Jersey are not patient. They are in comparison to people from New York, though. Pretty close. But there's a thing.
00:24:58
Speaker
I think maybe because we're a a smaller state and we grow a lot of the vegetables for New York and we don't get the credit for it. So we have maybe a little chip on our shoulder. Yeah, I think New York, anybody from the East Coast, because it's urban, it's fast moving, yeah it's expensive. So you don't have a time a lot of time to dilly dally. You got to you know go make your money and hopefully you know survive
Advice for Future Caregivers
00:25:21
Speaker
financially. with it Just as one sort of last thing, having been a carer, what sort of advice would you have for someone who is in that situation where you were when that caring experience began?
00:25:34
Speaker
Well, I would say the main thing is if you are not comfortable doing the job, don't do it. You can still be there for your loved one and and show how much you care by just being present and maybe supervising or working alongside. But if you are not qualified or uncomfortable in in doing it, you don't want your loved one to feel uncomfortable or or make them feel guilty that you had to take this job on. So if you can't do it with a smile and find some joy in it, find someone who can.
00:26:07
Speaker
But just being with your loved one, should be enough to let them know that you care and you love them. Out of the six of us, we had the two middle siblings, my brother and sister were hands off.
00:26:20
Speaker
They were not comfortable doing it, but they helped in many other ways. The other four of us all at one point or another had to sponge bathe my mother and change diapers and things like that.
00:26:32
Speaker
We all learned how to do it. And they may not have found the joy that I found in it, but they were there to do it. And I'm sure they found some humor in doing it too, because that's part of our family nature. Great. Thank you very much for sharing your story in your book. A cup of tea on the commode, my multitasking adventures of caring for mom and how I survived to tell the tale.
Podcast Conclusion and Future Episodes
00:26:54
Speaker
And I really appreciate you spending time with me today. It's been very interesting to talk to someone who's been through that caring experience as well. So thank you very much. Really enjoyed it.
00:27:05
Speaker
Thank you, Michael. And yeah, what what you've given me today is, as I say, is a gift because telling stories about my mom keeps her in the present. And so I thank you for allowing me to do that. so that was great.
00:27:19
Speaker
That's great. Thank you. I am Michael Millward, the managing director of Abbasida. In this episode of Rest and Recreation, I have been having a conversation with Stephen Mark Coro, author of A Cup of Tea on the Commode, my multitasking adventures of caring for mom and how I survived to tell the tale.
00:27:41
Speaker
can find out more information about both of us by using the links in the description. As Mark says, her important part of being a carer is to stay healthy, to look after yourself.
00:27:52
Speaker
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00:28:34
Speaker
You'll be able to access easy to understand results and guidance to help you make effective lifestyle changes any time by your secure personal wellness hub account. There is a link and as you would expect, a discount code in the description.
00:28:49
Speaker
I am sure you will have enjoyed listening to this episode of Rest and Recreation as much as Mark and I have enjoyed making it. So please give it a like and download it so you can listen any time, anywhere.
00:29:03
Speaker
To make sure you don't miss out on future episodes, please subscribe. Remember the aim of all the podcasts produced by Abbasida is not to tell you what to think, but we do hope to have made you think.
00:29:15
Speaker
Until the next episode of Rest and Recreation, thank you for listening and goodbye.