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Special Q&A Episode {Episode 14}
121 Plays6 years ago
Bonnie and Audrey take some time to answer many of the questions they frequently get asked about raising large families. Enjoy this special questions and answer episode, content created just for you!
Audrey recommends: Dumbing us Down by John Taylor Gatto
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Transcript
Meet the Moms of 16 Kids
00:00:11
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're moms to a combined total of 16 kids with two more on the way. Yes, we know that sounds insane, and it usually is. But we're here to share the tips that help us keep our sanity and to share inspiring thoughts that help us get through each crazy day. Uninterrupted conversation is foreign to us, but we'll try. And we invite you to join us on our journey as we find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
Episode 14 Q&A Introduction
00:00:47
Speaker
Welcome back to Outnumbered the Podcast. We're up to episode 14. And for today's topic, we're going to do a Q&A. We get asked a lot of questions all the time, and we covered some of these in our introduction episode. But today, we're going to answer some more questions that we've been asked.
00:01:04
Speaker
Yeah, I'm excited for this one. We do get a lot of questions just by virtue of the fact that we have a lot of kids. And I don't know, maybe you're interested, maybe you're not, but we're going to tell you anyway. So here we go. Okay, let's start with this week's humor segment. I have a kid quote, something my cheeky 13 year old son said to me this week. All right.
00:01:26
Speaker
So he was bossing around his younger sister and he was getting pretty rude about it. And I said, you need to remove the vitriol from your voice when you talk to your sister, please. And he pauses for a minute and he says, I don't know what that word means, so I don't have to do it. Well, so then we had a session with Mr. Webster. So it was a twofer. He learned a new word and he learned not to sass his mother.
00:01:57
Speaker
Hopefully. Yeah, right. That's great. Look at you using big words. My mom brain sometimes does not laugh at that. Well, it was one of more on top of it moments, I guess.
Family Size Reflections
00:02:12
Speaker
All right. So our first question we had come in was, do we each come from big families? How about you, Bonnie? Do you have many siblings? So it's funny. I don't know that I would call it a big family, but most people do. I'm the oldest of five kids. And growing up, I felt like it was a totally fine number. I didn't think it was huge. I didn't think it was small. I thought it was very average amongst the people that we knew, which were, you know, we grew up in a largely kind of conservative community.
00:02:39
Speaker
with a lot of church-going people who had bigger families than us. There were times when I would have liked my mom to have maybe another baby or two because I've always loved babies. But yeah, that's kind of my, like I said, my mentality growing up was always just we were very average, which I don't know if that's true or not. I don't think it is. I think it's on the upside of average. How about you? I'm the second of four.
00:03:01
Speaker
siblings. And I didn't grow up in an area with a lot of big families. So all the time growing up, we were told that that was a huge family. And wow, four kids. I can't imagine that. So I felt like I had a big family growing up. But now that I have
00:03:17
Speaker
Uh, nine children. It's not a very big family that I grew up in. I guess it all depends on your perspective. Yeah. You know, it's interesting. Um, my mom said that she did get a lot of flack for having five kids and that my aunt did as well. My aunt has nine and I have a couple of aunts with larger families. Another one was six, another one was seven.
00:03:36
Speaker
Um, and she said in the eighties, it was, they were really big on the overpopulation issue and everyone was concerned that the planet wasn't going to be able to support all these people. And so anyone that had more than a couple of kids was really looked down upon. And now I feel like even though we do get a lot of, like I say, shock and awe when we talk about our big families, I feel like there's a lot of respected admiration out there as well. And I don't know if it's just plain curiosity, but, um,
00:04:02
Speaker
Even people who might have an initially negative reaction towards our family still think it's kind of awesome, which I really appreciate, you know? Yeah, exactly. And that was another thing I was going to ask you to expand on too, like where are your parents from big families? My mom is the second of five. So she has four brothers. And my dad is the second to youngest of
00:04:23
Speaker
seven. So I guess on the bigger side too. And what's interesting is my dad's family, all of them had good sized families too.
00:04:33
Speaker
my grandparents ended up with 40 grandkids, which we always thought was pretty awesome. A nice big family. And it's great now. Of course, I have tons of cousins and tons of cousins, kids to hang out with. So I'm a big fan of big families, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my mom was the youngest of six and my dad was the oldest of four. And then going back one generation further. Oh, I'm sorry. And on my what I meant to say was on my husband's side, his dad,
00:05:02
Speaker
was one of 13. So that was kind of like the big family. That's awesome.
Taking Breaks & Self-care Strategies
00:05:11
Speaker
OK, so the next question we have to tackle here is what do we do when we need a breather from our kids? Audrey, take it away. OK, so we touched we went in depth on this topic when we did our episode two on when you want to quit. So if you're really needing more than just a few breaths away from your kids, go listen to that episode again.
00:05:31
Speaker
But if I just need five minutes or a few breaths, one of my top tricks is to send my kids outside for five minutes or go outside myself for five minutes. So just separate us. A couple of other things I like to do is put a podcast in one ear
00:05:48
Speaker
and have them in the other ear, but then I feel like I'm getting adult time a little bit. Or I go and exercise. Sorry, I can't help you right now. Mom's exercising. Or we go exercise altogether, which helps, you know, kind of, it gives them something to do and gets them maybe out of whatever they're doing that was.
00:06:10
Speaker
getting on my nerves. Right. Distracts them from the chaos. Yeah. How about you? What do you do when you need a breather from your kids? Yeah. A lot of those are similar to mine. I do feel like this coping mechanism has evolved over the years. So when my kids were all very small and we were stuck home, it was a lot more
00:06:27
Speaker
I won't say it was more chaotic because it's definitely chaotic now, but it was a lot more difficult to find that time because they needed me all the time when you have a newborn and a two-year-old and a four-year-old and a six-year-old. So I would have to schedule regular time with either my husband taking care of them where I could leave the house or with a sitter and that was a little bit trickier. But we also had nap time so that made it at least
00:06:52
Speaker
possible to get a little break during the day. Nowadays, everyone doesn't take naps. Only one kid does. So it's either forced quiet time or some other form of escape. So my work time is in the early afternoon when the baby's asleep and everybody else is supposed to be doing quiet time, but they might be terrorizing the house. I don't really care. I'm in my office.
00:07:10
Speaker
locked in. And then for me, it's been exercise too lately. Usually I run, that's my preferred form of exercise, but when I'm exceedingly pregnant, like I am now, I just walk. And so that gives me a chance to listen to interesting things. When I run, I have to listen to music or I stop. I have to be motivated. But when I walk, I can listen to podcasts, I can listen to scripture, I can listen to a book on
00:07:36
Speaker
not a book on tape, an audio book. And that's been really helpful for me because I'm really motivated to exercise because I want to get back to that awesome audio book or I want to find out what happens in the next episode of this podcast. And it starts my day off really centered where I'm learning something or
00:07:58
Speaker
being a little introspective with my own thoughts as I'm learning something. So that's been a new one for me. But I just think it's important to realize that that's going to evolve to just find the best thing that works for your chapter of life right now. Yeah, exactly. And it changes things that you do in the past and things you'll do in the future. So just get those deep breaths so you don't get overwhelmed. That's right.
00:08:20
Speaker
Okay, our next question is what do your husbands do for work?
Our Husbands' Careers
00:08:25
Speaker
So Bonnie, go ahead. Okay, so my husband works for his family's company. It is a travel agency for performance groups. So they take choirs and bands and orchestras all over the world to perform usually in like historically significant venues or on specific dates.
00:08:40
Speaker
where they can celebrate the life of an important person or something like that. So for example, they've created festivals in Austria to celebrate Mozart and people get to go and perform in the same cathedral that Mozart performed in, et cetera. So it's really interesting niche and he really enjoys it. So that's why he gets to travel a lot.
00:09:03
Speaker
Okay. Well, um, my husband, let's see, when we lived out West, my husband worked in the semiconductor and electronics, uh, manufacturing industries. And now he's trained, his training is as a mechanical engineer. Oh, okay. And then when we moved back to the Midwest, we chose to move our family back here. Um, then, uh, he found a job in engineering and is now a project manager in the defense industry. Oh, cool.
00:09:32
Speaker
So you could tell us more, but you'd have to kill us, right? I can't answer that question. OK, that's cool. So wait, do you or does your family live in the Midwest? That way you move back. His family does. His family's from the Midwest. I grew up in Montana. Oh, OK, cool.
00:09:53
Speaker
All right, so our next question to tackle here is our daily routine or what it looks like to have a day in the life of homeschooling a big family.
Homeschooling Balances
00:10:02
Speaker
Audrey, how about you? Oh, this is one that changes all the time, like practically with every year. But in general, I'll just say like how it's going this year. Okay, sure. So I have two kids in college and they and my husband get up, we get them off to
00:10:22
Speaker
to work and to school, college in the morning. And at the same time that breakfast and everything for them is going on, some of the next ones down go out and do the animal chores. So there is now a cow to be milked. And before this, it's been dairy goats, but we're doing a cow right now. And then chickens, rabbits, cats, et cetera, lots of menagerie out there that needs fed and watered and taken care of. So then when all that comes in,
00:10:52
Speaker
Uh, we get, everybody gets some form of breakfast at some point during, you know, either before they do tours or after and so on. And then, um, about.
00:11:03
Speaker
8 to 9 o'clock, depending on how the morning chores have gone. In the winter, there's ice water that needs defrosted and so on. Then we start our day homeschooling. And so from about 8.39 to noon, I work with some of the younger kids on their school subjects that they need my help on.
00:11:23
Speaker
I know we have a whole episode planned about homeschooling, so we can go in depth on how our specific homeschooling day goes in that episode. So I work with them until about noon. So then around lunchtime, my 16-year-old, my 13-year-old, my 10-year-old and I take turns doing
00:11:44
Speaker
lunch one or two days a week and so then we have after lunch we have the baby takes a nap and the next two boys up they have if they have if they don't have their schoolwork done they have a few independent things left that they can work on or they can play they usually I usually give them blocks or a sensory box or something to keep their
00:12:07
Speaker
themselves busy while I go and have, this is kind of like you mentioned your office hours, this is kind of my work time. So from about 1231-ish until four, I work on my computer and do my business stuff while the older teenagers work on their schoolwork and the younger ones are occupied with blocks or whatever they're doing.
00:12:31
Speaker
And then at four o'clock, we have an afternoon tour time. And then we, at that time, usually my 16 year old teenage daughter and I start working on supper and have evening time. And then after supper, it's not really
00:12:49
Speaker
a scheduled thing, what we do, everybody, you know, sometimes the, well, often the college kids have homework and, um, the, you know, my husband will go down to his office in the basement and do some work. And I'll sometimes go back up to my office and do some work and, uh,
00:13:06
Speaker
other kids just play. But one thing I wanted to mention that has become a part of our routine, not because we planned it or it was intentional or anything, but it just kind of happens is we all kind of linger around the supper table because that's like the time that we
00:13:22
Speaker
get to be together in the day and because we have two in college and then you know two more teenagers down from that it's like the conversations are so interesting and so good and it's just kind of a special time to sit around and discuss and visit and like you know they're to the age where you can have nice intelligent conversations and
00:13:40
Speaker
Yeah, that's really fun. Everywhere you hear that having dinner together as a family is just such a crucial aspect to developing brains and helping a family stay cohesive and have kids make better positive choices.
00:13:57
Speaker
If you can do it, do it. That's the way to do it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And then about nine o'clock, I have an alarm set actually that goes off at nine o'clock because I'll get distracted sewing or working or whatever. And then that reminds me that the kids, you know, it's time for the little ones to get in bed and so on. And then we all go to bed when we can and start again the next day. Yeah. How about you guys? What does your day look like? Yeah, it doesn't look too terribly different. My husband usually gets off to work by himself because, well, at least lately I haven't been getting up so early.
00:14:27
Speaker
But if I do, then I'll often go on a walk or a jog or something by myself. He gets off to work and then I come home and we do breakfast. The kids are responsible for getting their day started as far as what we call our morning basics, which is just getting dressed, brushing teeth.
00:14:43
Speaker
the majority of my kids are still struggling to do these things independently. So I have to offer lots of reminders, but just getting their day started and doing their breakfast dishes. And then by about 9 30, we sit down to do school together. And we start that with a little bit of a devotional where we'll read some scripture and we'll read a couple of books that we're reading together, usually something fairly educational, and then usually something fun as well.
00:15:08
Speaker
And then at that point, I let my older kids go off and do their own work. And then I will read picture books with the little kids or work on anything that they want to work on. And those are the seven and under kids, so the really little ones. And then, yeah, school lasts till about noon. We do lunch together. And then the kids are responsible to clean up while I put the baby down. And then they have a little bit of quiet time while I come to my office, do my work. Like I said, quiet time.
00:15:38
Speaker
It's not as good as it should be lately because my office in this new house that we're in is in a guest house. So I can't directly see what they're doing. They're supposed to be in their rooms reading quietly or doing like a quiet activity, but that doesn't happen as often. But I don't really care because I can't hear now. So then after quiet time, I'll come back, maybe do a little bit more
00:16:02
Speaker
reading or something with kids that seem to need a little extra attention. And we start dinner about 4.30 or 5. My husband comes home about 6 or 6.30, we eat dinner. And then after that, I like to get my little kids down fairly early or else I go kind of crazy. So at that point, sometimes we'll do something fun, like a fun game together. Sometimes we'll do, like on Mondays, we do a little family night where we have a lesson and an activity and sing songs and stuff, just something to kind of come together and reconnect.
00:16:30
Speaker
And then sometimes we do a little bit more reading before bed and the little ones go to bed and then the older ones stay up just a little bit with us, do some more talking or cleaning or whatever needs to be done. And then they go to bed too. And ideally I should be going to bed with them at like 10, but I've been bad lately and trying to get more of my own work done in the evening. So yeah, that's kind of what we're doing right now. But like you, we change so often depending on the needs of the kids, depending on the phases and depending on how much energy I have.
00:17:00
Speaker
Yeah. Now, speaking of energy, both of us mentioned that we try to exercise regularly, but neither one of us mentioned that in our daily routine. Where do you fit in exercise, Bonnie? Yeah. Really, if it doesn't happen first thing in the morning, it doesn't happen for me. So when I'm really energetic and not pregnant or with a new baby, then I get up usually around
00:17:20
Speaker
Well, ideally 530, but usually ends up being around six. And I either run or last year I did a lot of BBG, the Bikini Body Guide app, which I loved and I felt like it really, really made me stronger. And I did that with some friends for most of that year. But phases of life and right now I'm largely pregnant and soon I will have a new baby and be exhausted. So that will probably just fall into a late morning walk again.
00:17:48
Speaker
Yeah, I usually squeeze it in after I sometime during my what I call my office hours between one and four when I'm
00:17:58
Speaker
work and I'll, you know, I don't like to, if I'm sitting at a computer, I don't like to sit there for a very super long time, especially, you know, being pregnant, then your legs fall asleep and all that. So I usually get up about halfway through and exercise.
Why We Chose Homeschooling
00:18:12
Speaker
Okay. Our next question is, why did we choose to homeschool? So Bonnie, Oh gosh, I could talk about this all day, but I will not. I will spare you.
00:18:20
Speaker
So finally to say I had no desire to homeschool or even any thought of it at all until my oldest, I had put him in a preschool just with a mom in her home that I really liked and was thinking about signing up my next son when he was about ready to graduate, so to speak, to kindergarten.
00:18:39
Speaker
And I just kept running into people who homeschooled. And not just any people, but really, really whip smart kids and parents that had it all together that did not at all fit with my original stereotype of homeschoolers.
00:18:55
Speaker
which were that they were a little socially awkward and behind academically. And these kids were not like that at all. And I remember just thinking, well, these kids are really with it. And I love the parents and I love the kids and did some talking to all these parents. And I think I mentioned in a previous episode, the whole time I'd have these conversations, I'd go, I mean, I'm not gonna homeschool. Like I don't, I'm not interested in doing this myself. I'm just really curious how it works. So that was that.
00:19:20
Speaker
It was kind of how I was led to just even investigate in it. And then by the time it was time for my son to go to kindergarten, I just thought, if I'm going to do it, it's now or never. Let's just give it a shot. And I've always felt really, really inspired to do it. If I hadn't, I don't think I could have made the jump because like I said, I didn't really know anyone.
00:19:39
Speaker
growing up who had done it or done it really, really successfully. And so, yeah, it was definitely an inspired thing. And I'm glad it was because we've had lots of ups and downs. And in the downs, I'm always like, you're going back to school, back to school. But you know, it's like, oh, I would do that in a heartbeat if I didn't really feel like it was something that God wanted me to do. Yeah, so yeah, it's kind of I had one of these friends who I really loved.
00:20:03
Speaker
and homeschooled. When I was first making my decision, I said, all right, how did you know it was right for you? Or how did you make the decision? She said, I make the decision every single year. And every single year, sometimes I hope a little bit that it's a different decision. That's a different thing. I think that I ask every year and hope for a different answer sometimes, but really happy that she does it, even though it's hard. And I kind of feel the same way.
00:20:26
Speaker
Yeah. Well, my first exposure to homeschool was when I was in sixth grade and one of my best friends had
00:20:36
Speaker
What's that one disease? Mononucleosis. And she was out of school for a long time. And so finally, her parents decided to take her out of public school and homeschool her. And she had come back to school to get her personal stuff and was telling us about this. And I remember crying and saying, but is that allowed? Like, are you going to be OK?
00:21:01
Speaker
I loved my public school education and had great teachers growing up. I had an especially inspiring kindergarten teacher and so I was going to college to be an elementary ed teacher and I just thought I'd be happy with that the rest of my life.
00:21:20
Speaker
And then I got into college and started learning in my classes everything that we were required to teach and things like, you have to use this textbook and you have to join the union or you won't get hired. And then you have to teach what's in these textbooks, no matter if you believe it or agree with it or not. And then you have to, all this stuff. And then that, so that was like, I don't know, maybe I'm part rebel or something, but I was like,
00:21:50
Speaker
But I don't want to join a union. But what if I don't want to teach that stuff? I'm not going to do what you say. You can't make me. Yeah. And then we had a really inspiring child psychology professor in college. And he talked all about actually he had us read like John Gatto books and stuff. And it was really quite anti
00:22:17
Speaker
public education formal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, really. And I was like, are you trying to train us to be teachers? But anyway, he's got me started questioning my my decision. And then I learned I guess the two facts that just really blew me away was he said that at the average at third grade level, the average teacher gets to spend 15 minutes
00:22:45
Speaker
indirect instruction with our students per day. All the rest is interruptions and transitions and so on. And then the time that the teacher gets to spend
00:23:00
Speaker
in direct one-on-one interaction with each kid per day is less than 10 seconds. And those two numbers just blew me away. And it was part of the decision that I decided, well, you know what? If I get married and have kids someday, I will either send them to a private school or homeschool. I'm just with all these things combined because I thought, you know, you can give your kids
00:23:19
Speaker
If you give your kids more than 15 minutes and 10 seconds of instruction per day, they're getting at least a public school education. You know, that's interesting because that's probably one of my biggest concerns as a homeschooler. And I think for a lot of people too, is how do you give each child that one-on-one instruction and attention? But I don't think other kids are getting it either.
00:23:42
Speaker
You know, a lot more time with peers probably. But yeah, there's just not really any classroom setting is going to be a teacher teaching to a large group. And that's something you have to kind of fight for, you know.
00:23:56
Speaker
Yeah. So when we had our first kids, our first daughter, I decided, well, we lived in Oregon and they are very open to homeschoolers there and you can audit a class. And so you can have your kid go and be in the choir and at home for everything else because I guess their law is based on the fact that since you pay property taxes and some of the property taxes go to the school, it should be available to everybody. Okay.
00:24:21
Speaker
But we were just having such a good time teaching her ourselves. And by the time she got to kindergarten starting age, she was already way ahead of what her peers would have been that it just didn't make any sense to send her. So we just kept on doing what we were doing. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah.
00:24:40
Speaker
Yeah, that's another thing I wanted to address is we get this question a lot, is if we're going to homeschool through high school or send kids back. Oh yeah. And part of me doesn't really understand that question because if I was homeschooling to keep my kids safe from the evils of the world or whatever, which I know is a lot of people's sole reason, then high school is probably not the
00:25:03
Speaker
best place to send them. And secondly, academic progress kids go through in homeschool really generally looks nothing like the public school. So in order for them to reintegrate themselves into all these specific classes at specific levels would be so much more work than just finishing what we're doing at home and having them apply for college, especially a little bit early.
00:25:29
Speaker
Yeah, I remember getting asked that a lot too. And I guess since I already have graduated too through high school, I guess I don't get that ask that anymore. Everybody just has seen what I've done, I guess. But I remember getting asked that a lot too. And you're right, by the time they reach high school, because, well, the way we do it, they are
00:25:49
Speaker
Some of my kids were way advanced in some subjects and then right where they should be in some subjects and then maybe a little behind. So to go right in at a grade level would have been very... Pretty disruptive, yeah. Yeah, it would have been very disruptive. Yeah, so interesting thought process. We also have the same thing.
00:26:07
Speaker
as Oregon, it sounds like, we are allowed to do pretty much any extracurricular activities through the public school if we're homeschoolers. So that's a really nice thing so that my kids don't have to miss out on track and basketball and choir and orchestra or whatever they want to do if they're at home. They get to just go be involved in that whenever they want to. So it's pretty nice.
00:26:26
Speaker
Yeah, in our state, it's up to it has been up to the individual superintendent of that school district to decide whether homeschoolers get to come in or not and participate. And I think the laws are changing now, but we had a very anti homeschooler superintendent in our area. And so our kids.
00:26:45
Speaker
homeschool kids were allowed in nothing. And really, I think it was to their disadvantage. They were missing out on a lot of talent, you know, musical talent, sports talent. I'm not talking about my kids. I'm just talking about the homeschooler community that I knew in the area. I think they're missing out on a lot of talent, but what if their decision? Yeah, it's interesting as the laws change, I'm sure. Okay, so we're going to move on to the next question, which is how we get one-on-one time with kids.
One-on-One Time with Each Child
00:27:10
Speaker
Audrey, how about you?
00:27:14
Speaker
You know, this is a very common question that we get asked, and I don't know, here's the rebel in me coming out again, but I kind of don't think I have to spend one-on-one time with each of my kids. I mean, I kind of don't think that, how do I say this? Yes, they need me as a mother, and I'm always here for them. Obviously, they're with me about 24 hours a day, you know, being homeschooled, so they're getting mom time. But to have time with just me and no one else around,
00:27:42
Speaker
I don't know that that's that important to them. And then just the dynamics of a big family, they are getting one-on-one time with a bunch of different people. It's not necessarily with me. So in general, that's kind of my thought. Like I don't feel guilty if I haven't spent one-on-one time with nine kids every day.
00:28:03
Speaker
But I do try to watch for when I think my kids do need a little extra one-on-one time. You know, maybe somebody's having a meltdown and it's the third one of the day and so I'll just take them and hold them on my lap. You know, skin-to-skin contact is pretty important and physical touch. And then, you know, read them a book or maybe instead of my teenager putting the baby down for a nap, what she really likes to do, I'll put the baby down for a nap that day.
00:28:29
Speaker
you know, maybe I'll make a town run for groceries and I'll take my teenage son with me instead of, or my 10 year old with me or, you know, choose one kid who's maybe been needing a little extra mom time. Um, yeah. So that's, you know, I just try to work it in where as I see it's needed, but I don't really feel like I don't feel obligated to spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every day. Yeah. Gotcha.
00:28:56
Speaker
And because, yeah, and because we homeschool, they are getting one-on-one time. Like, you know, the seven-year-old has me helping him with his math every day. So that's, you know, the one-on-one time. Or, you know, the four-year-old's learning to read. And so he sits on my lap every day and does his little reading lesson.
00:29:11
Speaker
You know, they, they get it, but it's not that I'm got a chart and I'm tracking. Okay. I haven't spent one-on-one time with someone today. You know, I have to admit, um, I took a parenting course online several years ago and the first thing they talked about was one-on-one time with each kid and how essential it was. And so I, in this course, they taught that each child should be getting at least 10 minutes of one-on-one time twice a day.
00:29:36
Speaker
And at the time I had like five kids and I thought, okay, well, if I really, I thought, you know, I might have to just go down to 10 minutes per kid per day. And even at that, it would be an hour of just sitting there playing with the kid. And they said it should be the choice of the child of what to do. And it became such a source of stress to me that I just thought,
00:29:57
Speaker
But okay, this psychologist might think this is the best thing in the world, but it is not working for me. It's just not. That psychologist definitely didn't have more than two kids. And so then I started kind of to see things from your perspective as well. I thought, okay, well, I'm not working out of the home. I'm not sending my kids to school. We are together all the time. I don't really think it's essential that I pull one child aside and say, let's play candy land for 10 minutes. I don't really think that that's essential.
00:30:23
Speaker
Instead, I try to, like you were saying, really focus on the needs of each child. And sometimes that's easy to see. And sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's just like, they're acting a little strange or there's a lot more conflict between them and other kids or between you and other kids. But it's just, I feel like in a big family, it's a very different dynamic than in a smaller family. And because there is so much interaction for
00:30:50
Speaker
all of the kids that one-on-one time probably looks a little bit different for bigger families. So we do something similar, especially with my husband. I know that they really crave more time with him because he works a lot and travels a lot. So he is very good at taking kids out on quote-unquote dates and our dates are super boring. It's like we're going to the hardware store.
00:31:12
Speaker
And maybe I'll get you a hot dog on the way home or something. So it's basically just a necessity of life, but taking a kid along with it and they feel really, really special. So I've tried to do the same thing.
00:31:25
Speaker
I keep meaning to write it on the calendar when we do it so that we rotate very fairly. It doesn't always happen like that. Someone will say, I haven't had a date in a long time. I'm thinking, yes, you did. You did last week. I can't always remember. But that's kind of our solution to not being able to focus really intently one-on-one with each child. But like you said, I don't think that's as important in a large family where they get all this interaction and so many people to talk to and so much going on to just focus on the child individually
00:31:53
Speaker
As far as their needs go, like does this kid need extra attention or is he doing fine? To realize that we're giving them lots of one-on-one time during school time and then also to be willing to take them out. And even in smaller groups, even with one or two or three kids, they really, really enjoy that because they get a little bit more time to talk and just be themselves.
00:32:13
Speaker
Yeah, the dynamic changes totally. Yeah, if you take two of them to town with you, it's a totally different dynamic than if you take seven or eight. Yeah, I love it. And the other thing is, this is their reality. This is what they know. And I have yet to meet someone who came from a big family that just was really, really upset that their parent didn't spend more one-on-one time with them, you know? I've never heard that before. I have heard them say, I wish I had my own bedroom at one point.
00:32:40
Speaker
just silly little things like that. But for the most part, it seems like their siblings are their best friends. They really enjoyed the interaction they got that way and the playtime. And so I'm hoping that my kids turn out the same. Yeah. Yeah. My husband does the same. He'll on Saturday have somebody help him on whatever his project he's working on, or he'll take the two little boys and run to Home Depot or whatever. So yeah, I'm, I think we're in agreement here.
00:33:07
Speaker
Our next question is, which number child was the biggest adjustment? How about you, Connie? You know, I've always said it was number two.
00:33:13
Speaker
And the reason I feel this way I think is because I'm such a type A person that when I had my one kid, it was like, all right, we're going to do all the things we're supposed to do. We're going to take them to the library and we're going to learn to read really early. And we're going to, you know, I was just like gung-ho a hundred million miles an hour. And then I had my second baby and I really, really like babies. It's just my favorite phase. I just love to sit and cuddle on newborn all day.
00:33:38
Speaker
And my two-year-old, who was kind of a punk at the time, he was a typical two-year-old, let's be honest, was really hard for me to show as much love to. And I feel really bad about it now, but it was just a whole new experience for me to have this brand new newborn that I love so much. And also this kind of punky toddler who still needed my attention, but was much harder to give to because
00:34:02
Speaker
he didn't react so well to a new sibling. So he would come over and hit the new baby or throw a tantrum when I wasn't paying attention. And I just was too concerned about the baby to see outside of that. Does that make sense? And now I look back and think, oh, the poor two-year-old, he just needed to be taken to the store by himself or something, you know? But that was really tough for me for some reason. And that being said, I mean, when I had baby number eight, I was kind of overwhelmed too. And the twins were super overwhelmed. You know what I mean? But that one in particular, for some reason, I just remember,
00:34:31
Speaker
it me thinking i'm never gonna get through this i don't know what i'm doing this is so hard and since then it's just kind of gotten maybe if not easier more predictable i guess
00:34:46
Speaker
How about you? Well, for me personally, number three was the hardest, not because of who she was or what she was. She was a very sweet child and there wasn't any, you know, issues with personality or the older kids or anything. But I just felt, for the first time, I felt kind of out of sync. Like you have two hands going through a parking lot and you have three kids, you know. So how do you hold on to the... Somebody's going to get hit by a car. I know it.
00:35:16
Speaker
Yeah. You know, okay. So, you know, you're going somewhere, you and your husband and he'll watch this one and you'll watch that one. And what about the third one, you know, or dishing up plates at separate time? Well, I'll do here. I'll do number one. You do number two. Uh, and let's see, number three needs food too, I guess. So I kind of felt like a car with a flat tire, just kind of bumping along, getting out numbered, huh? Yeah, exactly.
00:35:42
Speaker
But after that, I don't know, it just really got easier. And I can't say any of them have been hard to adjust to after that, because I don't know, my kids are spaced almost three years apart, all of them. And so like now, you know, number nine with a baby, and I've got two teenage living helpers, you know, girls helping me, they cook, they clean, you know, they don't watch me.
00:36:06
Speaker
And the boys do the chores. And I mean, I haven't milked this new cow once because I just got kids to do it. Yeah, you know, recently I had a cousin who has two small kids say to me,
00:36:19
Speaker
Are you just, do you just think people like us are just so ridiculous who claim that we're overwhelmed with two kids? And I was like, no way, that is literally the hardest phase ever when you're, you know, up to your elbows and dirty diapers and there's just these little people that need everything from you and there's no one to help and there's no one to talk to. That was another thing for me, a really big milestone for me was when my oldest could start carrying on conversations because I didn't feel quite so lonely at home.
00:36:46
Speaker
And usually at that point is when a kid goes off to school, but keeping my kids home, it meant when my husband was out of town, things were a little bit easier. It meant that emotionally I could handle things a little bit better. And I know that sounds silly. I had a six-year-old to talk to, but it really didn't make a difference. It was like there was another human being at home and not just all these mewling infants that needed me.
00:37:07
Speaker
And that was a really big transition. And then to each year have a better and better helper around makes things so much easier. So for the moms that are in, you know, the trenches with just a bunch of little kids at home, that is absolutely the hardest time for sure.
00:37:23
Speaker
And you'll make it, and I know they say that the years are short and the days are long, something like that. And it's so true. It's so true. Looking back, I'm like, oh my gosh, that just passed by in a flash, even though I thought they would never end when I had three kids in diapers.
00:37:39
Speaker
Yeah, I think once you get one or two potty trained, it starts to make a difference because you're not having to... Yes, that is also extremely true. So our next question that we got is how do we each afford having so many kids?
Financial Management with Large Families
00:37:53
Speaker
So Audrey. Well, I know we have a whole episode planned, two episodes planned.
00:38:02
Speaker
the financials of having a big family and one about teaching kids about money. So we're going to dive really deep into this one in the future. But that being said, you know, you got two at once, but we only got one kid at a time and you just adjust. It's just little adjustments as you go. And, um, my husband has an incredibly good income. He's always been able to provide for us and we feel like, you know, we're being watched out for. And whenever something comes along, you know, he always gets a raise or, you know,
00:38:30
Speaker
like we're being very well taken care of and watched out for. But we do make compromises. Our kids don't have the latest everything gadget. And I guess we feel like they don't need it because they have each other. You don't get an iPhone, you have a brother. Which is way better than an iPhone.
00:38:55
Speaker
Yeah, anyway, that's the short answer. I feel the same way. There are a lot of pros and cons to having a big family, but I don't think that the money issue has ever been a really big con for us. And that being said, I will admit that we have been really, really blessed as well. We didn't make very much money when we first got married and deciding to get pregnant was a bit of a leap of faith. We're thinking, okay, if I'm going to stay home with this kid or not.
00:39:16
Speaker
We're not going to be able to eat. This is going to be tricky. But yeah, little by little, we felt really blessed. Pretty much every time we have a kid, something will happen. My husband will get a commission check or something happens at work or random things. And I think, oh, well, that's going to help out. Oh, that's going to help out. So I just feel really blessed in that regard. And also, like you say, there's just a lot of things that we've been able to say no to because they don't really matter.
00:39:41
Speaker
You know, and you have to think everybody kind of looks at babies as this really, really big expense. And to be fair, at the beginning, they kind of are, especially if you go to the hospital and you're looking at a $3,000 hospital bill or more. My first was a C-section, so it took us about two years to pay those bills off. That was fun.
00:40:00
Speaker
But that being said, other than that, they don't really cost a huge ton of money, especially if you breastfeed, especially if you don't buy all the latest gadgets and all the latest baby toys, which you really don't need. And then I've also found that with so many kids, we just reuse everything, you know? So with two kids, I might have spent a fortune on clothes and toys and all these other things, but by kid five or six, we've used those things into the ground. And I really feel like we got
00:40:29
Speaker
much more of our money's worth than if we'd only had two. So we are starting to feel a little bit more of a pinch as we have more kids in things. It's been important to me to have my kids learn an instrument. So four of my kids are in piano lessons.
00:40:45
Speaker
A couple of them have taken dance, that sort of thing. But again, they're not really essential. They're just something that's really nice to have if you're blessed to have the money to do it. But I try to remind myself that that's just an extra bonus if you get it.
00:41:02
Speaker
Right. Exactly. And if you have a musically inclined kid and you can't afford it, oh man, we have the internet. There's music lessons online for free, you know, everywhere you can imagine. Yeah, that's true. For sure. And then I've also noticed that, oh, all my kids are going to need braces and probably most of them glasses. So that's going to be fell.
00:41:19
Speaker
We only have one in them. So one in braces and three in glasses right now. So that's probably gonna get a little steep as we go to. But yeah, it just you just make the work priorities change and and you shift things around until you can make it work.
00:41:35
Speaker
Yeah, we're putting kids through races one at a time, so if you need them, well, you can still eat, right? Because it's not your turn yet. Yeah, that's really smart. I'm going to wait till your brother's right. Done. Here's the next question. Did you want a lot of kids growing up?
Childhood Dreams of Big Families
00:41:51
Speaker
You know, actually I did. Like I said, I thought it would have been cool if my mom had had another baby or two. And I had one aunt, the one with nine kids that I really, really, really loved spending time at their house. They lived here in Arizona and we moved around a lot, but we would often come back to visit here. And so we always want to go to their house because there was always the most stuff going on there, you know, all the kids and everywhere and you know,
00:42:16
Speaker
And I just loved the chaos. I loved that there was always someone to hang out with. I loved their home was awesome. They were on a bit of property and had a ton of old playground equipment out back and a trampoline and animals and everything you could imagine. So it was kind of a child's play place. That being said, as I grew up and realized how particular I am about things, sometimes I thought, huh,
00:42:42
Speaker
I didn't quite realize that running a household this size would be a bit different than just enjoying my time as a freewheeling teenager. But here we are doing the best we can. And thankfully my husband has always been on board too. In fact, oftentimes he's like, all right, I think I'm ready for another one. I'm going, okay, hold on. Give me five minutes here.
00:43:07
Speaker
How about you? Well, I always thought it would be cool to have six kids when I was growing up. For some reason, I had the number six kids. So yeah, I wanted a lot of kids, more than I grew up with. I didn't know that it would be nine here, but yeah, I wanted a lot of kids.
00:43:26
Speaker
When my husband and I were dating, I asked him what he thought about a big family and he was like, I think it'd be cool to have six sons to carry my casket when I die. Right now we have four and we don't know what baby number nine is, so I'm telling him, maybe we should adopt or how about some son-in-laws in there or something? Four sons and a couple son-in-laws, that'll work. You got to wait till your daughter's married to die, sorry.
00:43:52
Speaker
Oh, the other thing is a lot of people ask me about my family planning as if I've always had like a number in mind or a specific image of what my family wanted to look like. And even though I did like the idea of a big family as a kid, I have never really had a number in mind. I think at one point as a kid, I said,
00:44:13
Speaker
I'm gonna have 10 kids, that'd be awesome. And then I had one and I was like, whoa, Bessie, I didn't know everything that was involved there. So we definitely take them one at a time. And as life gets a little more chaotic or whatever we think, okay, is this the right time? Is it not?
00:44:29
Speaker
And I also feel like this has been a hugely spiritual aspect of my life. We really believe that there are like spirits waiting to come to earth. And so that it's kind of more than just us deciding if that makes any sense. And so we've always felt like there have been kids waiting for us to be ready to bring them. And so that brings an added bit of responsibility and not just, is this the right decision for me, but can I handle this little,
00:44:58
Speaker
person that wants to come and be a part of our family. So that's kind of a different mindset. Yeah. Oh yes. I can't wait to do our episode on how to decide on another baby or baby spacing. That's going to be one where we could really dive in on this topic.
Inclusive Activities for All Ages
00:45:11
Speaker
Okay. And our final question for today is how we managed to do fun things as a family that all age ranges will still enjoy. So do you have any thoughts on this, Audrey?
00:45:21
Speaker
Oh, yeah, kind of. First of all, I think we've been trying to get across that being part of a large family is fun in and of itself. And there's things that we do together that are too grown up for the littlest kids and too juvenile for the oldest kids. But everybody enjoys it because we're all together as a family doing it all together.
00:45:45
Speaker
Yeah. But as far as looking out for fun things, I know that sometimes my teenagers will load up in the car and go off and do something themselves. And the little ones will sometimes get a game out and play it by themselves. And so there are times that they have doing fun things that
00:46:07
Speaker
different age ranges enjoy, but then, you know, you can tailor a lot of activities for all age ranges. Like, for example, sledding or skiing. They just enjoy it at their own age level. The little kids, you know, they can't ski down the black slopes. You know, the teenagers go off and do that. But once again, my main thought on this is just that
00:46:34
Speaker
I think everybody kind of compromises a little bit because they enjoy the dynamics of a big family and being together so much. And so I'll see my teenager sit down on the floor playing with my toddler, having fun together. And, you know, she wouldn't be doing that if there wasn't her sister there. But anyway, that's my thoughts on that. Yeah, I love that. We've been getting to an interesting phase here as my oldest is the only teenager.
00:46:56
Speaker
And he kind of has a bad attitude about doing family things sometimes. And I don't know if that's just teenagerhood or whatever. So we're working through that. But I love, I love it when he does take time to spend time with the younger kids. And he and my baby have been best buddies since she was born. And I honestly, that has been one of the number one
00:47:16
Speaker
pros of having kids far apart. I mean, I know I have a lot of them in between, but a big enough gap to see that, that by age 12, he no longer cared if she was messing up his room. He didn't care if she threw up cancer. He was old enough and mature enough to be like, this baby needs
00:47:33
Speaker
care and needs kindness and patience. And it's the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life. You know, he'll get down and play a game with her. And if she does do something naughty, he just kind of teases her about, are you supposed to do that? Don't make a mess, you know. And I think that's the cutest thing ever. And just see a bit of what he's going to be like as an adult, you know. So that interaction is really, really sweet. Yeah.
00:47:52
Speaker
Definitely, my 12-year-old boy would take his little sister the entire first summer of her life out and he'd grab a book that he was into and he'd take her out in the hammock and she'd have a little snooze sleeping on his chest while he's reading a book in the hammock. Just think what awesome parents your kids are going to be to because they have all this practice.
00:48:11
Speaker
Well, this question has actually been something that I've struggled a bit with as I've realized that it's not as feasible anymore to do a lot of the things that my older kids like to do when they were younger, going to museums and to the zoo and all these things. Number one, it costs a fortune. Take all my kids to the zoo, it's like $160.
00:48:29
Speaker
You can get that for Christmas. But also that being said, I'm also realizing that these outings that we used to do a lot when my kids were bored and little and there weren't a lot of them are not as essential nowadays, you know, because there's more
00:48:44
Speaker
opportunities for them to engage with other kids. Obviously, we have a lot of kids here. We're in a position to have some animals, a little bit more land. So it's just a lot more engaging and fun for them to live life normally. And because we have a lot more that needs to happen around the home to just kind of survive, we don't have quite as much time for
00:49:04
Speaker
pure fun stuff, but I'm okay with that. I think it's just life and that's what they're learning to do. But that being said, there are a few things that we've done recently that everybody seemed to like. Sledding was one, we went up to the snow this winter, all the kids like that. Although I was very pregnant and hauling my toddler up in this steep snowy slope and I'm thinking, okay, this is plenty of work out for me. When the weather gets bad, we like to swim together. Bad for us is 110 degrees.
00:49:31
Speaker
When it gets hot, we swim together. When it gets too hot for that, we go to sometimes like an indoor trampoline place. We have a lot of those around here. We go to the library together or the park. So, you know, typical stuff, preferably that doesn't cost a ton of money. But yeah, we just make it work. Yeah.
00:49:50
Speaker
Yeah, Sunday afternoon is our time around here that most often the kids come up with something to do together. And like, for example, I've seen the big kids will haul out a board game and they'll be playing, oh, you know, say Settlers of Catan or something together. And the little kids will see them doing that and they'll run and get, you know, their
00:50:08
Speaker
their little game and they'll set it up next to them and they'll be playing their own little, you know, sorry or whatever their game is. And then the baby she'll run and get her curious George deck of cards and she'll pretend like she's playing too. And it's like, they've got three different things going on, but they're together by choice and they're enjoying it. And yeah, I just love a big family. So far, so good. We're really enjoying it too. Yeah.
Listener Engagement & Feedback
00:50:31
Speaker
Well, I think that's all our questions for today. And because this is a Q&A, we don't have any recommendations. We'll link to some of the things that we both mentioned in the show notes. But if you have questions for us, you can email us at outnumberthepodcastatgmail.com. Yeah, we'd love to hear from anyone. And no question is off limits. So we'd love to create more custom content for you guys to answer any questions you have. So thanks for listening.
00:50:57
Speaker
Thanks so much for listening to Outnumbered the Podcast. You can contact us at outnumberedthepodcastatgmail.com and find us on Instagram at outnumberedthepodcast. We're so grateful for our listeners and would love it if you'd take the time to leave us an honest review on iTunes, Stitcher, or any other podcast platform. And don't forget to share the podcast with your mom friends. Can't wait to talk next time. Bye.
00:51:27
Speaker
a segment for you, topic for you. And it's, we, okay. I don't expect your brain to work very well today. Just go ahead, take your time. Good thing I'm editing this one. Okay.