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111. Giving Power to Others and Their Story, By Holding Space For Them - with Zachary Faerber
83 Plays3 years ago
My name is Zachary Faerber, I am 27 years old but have lived a long life in those 27 years. I spent my younger years taking care of my sick parents, working multiple jobs, and helping out with my brother and sister. I graduated with honors and distinctions in Medical Anthropology with the life goal of helping others. I started my career managing stem cell donations for blood cancer patients at the same hospital my father passed away at. I quickly realized I could have more impact by helping others with the tactics I picked up through my struggles. I have always been drawn to doing and being MORE for the people around me, my hope is my story can inspire the same for anyone listening.
Feel free to reach out to me with any questions or if you feel there is anything I can do to help!
Contact Zachary Faerber: https://www.instagram.com/ zach_faerber
email is zacharyfaerber@gmail.com
Contact Kendra Rinaldi: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
The Power of Personal Stories
00:00:01
Speaker
Having people come in and being able to give power to them and their story and take power away from the anxiety and the oppression and the negative around it really can shift things because we are pretty much just a collection of our experiences. So, you know, if we're able to positively spin, there's no way of saying, you know, my parents dying was a good thing. But me being right here right now in this present moment is an amazing thing.
00:00:30
Speaker
And so many things could be so different, but I am just very grateful that I have these opportunities to share, to grow, to develop.
Exploring Grief and Resilience
00:00:43
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:50
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:06
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Meet Zach Ferber: Life and Loss
00:01:30
Speaker
Thank you for joining us on the podcast today. Today I have Zach Ferber. Zach is a young guest here that we have. I think you're one of the youngest guests I've had, Zach.
00:01:46
Speaker
And Zach and I will be talking about his process with the death of both his parents and taking care of them and so forth. But Zach is right now also a medical anthropologist. I am so curious about this.
00:02:04
Speaker
His goal is helping others. And you didn't add the part of all your fitness part here in your bio either. So we'll definitely talk about that as well. So you help people in many different ways, Zach. And I look forward to hearing more about your story and your journey and your growth process. So welcome, Zach. Yeah. Thank you for having me, Kendra. I appreciate you making space for me.
00:02:31
Speaker
Oh my goodness. No, it's like an honor always to hold space for somebody else and to be able to share people's stories. That's why the podcast was created. So thank you.
Family Dynamics and Personal Growth
00:02:42
Speaker
Okay, Zach. So tell us about you and your upbringing. You have siblings. So tell us about you first and then we'll, I'll take us through this journey here of asking certain questions and then we'll, we'll see where it takes us.
00:02:55
Speaker
Beautiful, sounds great. Yeah, I mean, I, you know, it's interesting kind of growing up as a sensitive man in a culture where sensitive men are not necessarily, you know, put on a pedestal. So from a very early age, I was
00:03:12
Speaker
overtly sensitive. And I come from, you know, both my parents were from the East Coast. My dad was, you know, grew up in New York, hardcore Jewish entrepreneur who, you know, worked 20 hours a day, didn't complain, just kind of got it done. And that was his mentality. And then my mom was kind of the shower with love type. So it was a lot of hard love being the first born from my father and growing up, you know,
00:03:42
Speaker
not necessarily being nudged in the nicest way, but definitely nudged in a way to be the best version of me. And then, you know, being kind of a little bit more sensitive and attuned with my emotions, you know, my mother would always be the one kind of like, hold space for me and be there for me.
00:03:58
Speaker
It's definitely interesting growing up seeing how, you know, I came first and then, you know, the middle child my brother, definitely a little bit more out there aggressive, we call them like the monkey of the family and then my sister was the perfect little angel so
00:04:15
Speaker
How far apart are you guys in age? Exactly three years. Each of you? They definitely didn't plan me. I know that, but they planned the interval. It's funny because when I got married and I think it was when I was expecting our first, this lady that had already grown children said,
00:04:37
Speaker
The best age difference between kids is three years, you know, just make sure. And that's how you guys are like, OK, well, that's not what you say. My kids are 15 months apart, so. We didn't call her guidance. Yeah, we did half the time she mentioned. So you guys grew up then in New York or is that just where they were from? Yeah, so they were both from the East Coast.
Teenage Years and Parental Influence
00:05:01
Speaker
We actually grew up in Orange County, California. So
00:05:05
Speaker
Southern California, it's very...
00:05:09
Speaker
you know, when I, when people think of like tick tock houses or like, you know, little houses. Yeah, exactly. That song, that song from that show weeds. Yeah. It's like that, that, you know, the intro, I think of that and I live in Texas and it's actually little house. It's also like that. Yeah. So I understand. And I lived in California as well before. So, uh,
00:05:38
Speaker
Yeah, it's all like very planned neighborhoods in which you have certain builders that can do and everything kind of looks alike. So you grew up in Orange County in that way with your siblings. And then so middle school, high school, how was it growing up? And at what point, I don't know which one of your parents was sick first, so take us into that dynamic too.
00:06:04
Speaker
Yeah, so I mean, we were, like I said, my dad was a very hardworking entrepreneur. He found this kind of niche in the automotive industry. And before the stock market crash, he was, like if you've ever seen James Bond or Fast and Furious, he was the one who kind of designed all the cars, brought them to the stage. Sometimes, you know, if the stunt actors weren't there, he would have to drive them on to set. He was always coming on with different cars. He was very flashy. It worked out very well for Orange County.
00:06:35
Speaker
With that being said, it was always, you know, I felt like it was all keeping up with the Millers type of scenario out there where, you know, we were, by all means, stable middle class, but I got the opportunity to go, you know, middle school was awesome. I had a great time. I had a really good group of friends in the high school. I got the opportunity to have a full scholarship to a
00:06:58
Speaker
private school out here and it was the first time I really saw like class disparity and you know understanding that you could fit one of my house or you know three of my houses into one of my friend's houses and it was kind of that feeling of not having enough and being in all AP classes so I was so busy and like trying to
00:07:21
Speaker
As I said, you know, my father put a lot of stress on me that you have to do well, you have to, you know, if you're going to be in this scenario. So I grew up very Jewish and very, you know, those foundations, those principles kind of helped to, you know, we are the people that made it through so much. So it's like perseverance and, you know, grind and grit. And that was all kind of the mentality growing up. And I took that into high school and that did not suit me well mentally.
00:07:50
Speaker
I think at one point you want to be a kid.
Coping with Illness in the Family
00:07:54
Speaker
I was freshman sophomore year that my dad got sick. Gosh, 2011. He had been sick for a little while. 2011, I was 16.
00:08:12
Speaker
He had been sick on and off and he was sick for about seven years before he passed away with, he had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. So blood cancer, he woke up one day just in a lot of pain. I still remember it was right before Halloween, so they had to take him.
00:08:27
Speaker
an ambulance and he had a big tumor and a spleen and they found out it had metastasized and gone into his lip notes. So he would go through these spurts of being fine, getting chemotherapy, working through it, being in remission, and then wake up
00:08:45
Speaker
And this happened three times. He came out of a permission where you have like a big, you know, I remember his eye, he had this big tumor behind his eyes. So he woke up and all of a sudden like his eye was three times the size it's supposed to be. And as a kid, you know, I'm trying to put my head down and work hard. And I just see.
00:09:02
Speaker
you know, frustration, anger from my parents, that kind of stress can put a lot on a marriage. And so that, you know, seeing kind of decomposing of a healthy relationship on top of watching better and sick and better. Yeah. And, you know, it's so strange, like looking back, I feel feels like a different world because
00:09:26
Speaker
Like it was so normal. Like, oh dad, dad's gonna go to the hospital. He was being treated city of hope. Dad's gonna go to the hospital for six months. Like he's just gonna go. And it's just like, it was so normal. But I ended up sophomore year of high
Mental Health Struggles and Triumphs
00:09:41
Speaker
school. I was not doing well in school. I was doing drugs. I was unhappy. I mean, I look back on the pressure I put myself through and I'm like, no wonder you're a 16 year old kid dealing with your dad being sick, dealing with,
00:09:54
Speaker
all these other external issues. And I was pretty suicidal. Mental health was definitely not great. So I ended up dropping out early and going to a program for mental health. And to this day, I credit that with a lot of the big shifts that I made in my life, where it definitely started out with like, take these pills, see what works. And then
00:10:18
Speaker
you know, ended up getting off all anti-depressant, all anti-anxiety medication and kind of finding a rhythm for me that really supported growth and being that individual that I want to be where, you know, the status quo is never seems to be good enough. So I think that's like the entrepreneurial side and me that I probably got from my dad, where it's like, if you're not, if you don't have your hand in 10 different cookie jars and still like brain still working on new things, you're stagnant.
00:10:48
Speaker
which creates problems of mindful rest and all that, which I'm sure has caused some of the burnout in the past. But yeah, I mean, he got sick in 2011 and he ended up passing in
00:11:03
Speaker
Excuse me. I apologize. Wow. He got sick. Dates by the way, that it's so normal that dates become like a blur. It's happened several times that I asked people like even like the dates and they're like, uh, like, you know, so don't worry about it. It's so normal. I literally got it tattooed. I have the tattoo of my dad's passing and my mom's passing on my body. And
00:11:27
Speaker
I guess it's funny, but not funny. My aunt's birthday is the same day my dad passed away. So it says May 25. Let me see. May 28, 2011 is when he passed. So diagnosed then 2000. And you said seven years prior to that. Yeah. So, so I was younger. I apologize. Yeah.
Facing Mother's Cancer and Family Challenges
00:11:45
Speaker
So you were, you were still not even graduated from high school at that point.
00:11:49
Speaker
No, and I think that's, yeah, I mean, I, let me ask you, sorry, let me, sorry. Before I go into that wrap, you mentioned you're in 10th grade is when you dropped from school to go into, okay. So when you dropped from school to go into like mental health support, so where did you then finish your school? Like GED, like, how did you finish your high school to then be able to continue? Then you're furthering education then. I mean, I dropped out two weeks left in the semester and my professors were really cool about it. And I mean,
00:12:18
Speaker
16 year old whose dad died, they were like, yeah, go do what you need to do. And then I took the summer to really work on myself, go into therapy, go into, and obviously things were changing. That was, you know, we were still getting
00:12:35
Speaker
being affected by the stock market crash. The car industry went back to Detroit in 2008. So I have memories of my dad sitting in his hospital bed, trying to work from his hospital bed. The doctor's telling us, oh, there's a 3% chance that he dies from this. So you'll be fine. And us cashing out his life insurance policy early so that we had some money to get by. My mom was a non-working mother.
00:13:05
Speaker
He was the only source of income and then for him to pass, we had no real assets at that point. We'd actually had someone stealing money from us at that time, which is a whole other story. Yeah. Tends to happen when people are in vulnerable situations. We lost our house five days after my dad died. We were evicted, so we had to get out. On top of
00:13:34
Speaker
Dealing with his death, the fury in the Jewish religion, you bury within a couple of days of somebody dying. So I just remember the love and support from the community at that point. I mean, I grew up very Jewish. I went to Jewish elementary school. And then, as with everyone, you start testing your faith. But it was just, I get chills thinking about it. The hospital my dad was at, and they used to say, he must be like the holiest man in the world.
00:14:02
Speaker
I'm like, why? And they're like, well, he always has a different rabbi by his bedside. And, you know, I was in all the Orthodox camps and all of the, you know, I was very active in the community when I was very young. And so all of these rabbis heard about what was going on and came and prayed and prayed and prayed. But yeah, so I mean, he passed. We were evicted. I went into that program for most of the summer.
Balancing Education and Caregiving
00:14:32
Speaker
Um, and like I said, it really, really helped to kind of shift my mindset that way. You know, I ended up going to a public school for the rest of my high school experience, which, uh,
00:14:44
Speaker
I'll say my coping mechanisms did not improve going to a school where. I was just gonna actually think of maybe if there was less pressure for you feeling like, because in the first one and at first school, the pressure of you kind of trying to keep up, you got there in a scholarship, right? So that pressure there of your grades, of AP classes, all these kinds of things, if that shifted how you felt then now in a school that maybe
00:15:14
Speaker
those expectations were not there, but it was not the case. Well, you also just have gone through a huge, you're the oldest of three kids having, if you were what, 16 when your dad, dad, your siblings. Yeah. I mean, my sister wasn't even, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was, I think it was that, you know, still, still working through things with therapists and then trying to figure out, but I mean, it wasn't even a year later, my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. So it wasn't like,
00:15:43
Speaker
Oh, you know, she had a growth. It was like, she, this is like the worst non small cell lung cancer stage four. And we're sitting there like, what? So I think that, uh, you know, not even dealing with the grief of my dad and that there was a lot of not only his death, but his mentality, the stress that he created, the anger that resonated out of him for seven years was something I was still kind of trying to digest.
00:16:13
Speaker
Um, and then on top of that, all of a sudden my mom's sick. Um, and it went from zero to a hundred really quick. Uh, she didn't like my dad lost his hair. We had some fun little shaving parties for him. And it seemed to be like, uh, all right, let's try to bring this little bit of happiness into the situation. Whereas my mom, it was like, you're going to die in three months. So did the doctor say that? Yeah. They said three to three to six months.
00:16:40
Speaker
uh, was the diagnosis. And how, how many, how many months did she live after? She lived three years actually. So that happens. That's, it's not unlikely that those things happen. That's why I'm like, that's surprising that they gave her such a short window and not like a lot, you know, that's yeah. Well, looking back now, I mean, and, and doing, I'm, I'm kind of a nerd and I really liked to study and learn and process things. So.
00:17:09
Speaker
I mean, it was very aggressive, very fast stage in cancer. If they could have no cancer, all of a sudden to stage four, they were like, it's growing this fast. But, you know, a lot of, there's a lot of issues with the medical system and how they diagnose. And so, you know, there's a lot that they weren't taking into account. Like, you know, maybe she had been sitting at stage four for a while or maybe, you know, there were, there were differing health factors, stress that was, was inducing it in the past. And now maybe she didn't necessarily need that.
00:17:39
Speaker
Um, yeah, I mean, she, she was sick in 2012. She got sick and then she died in 2015. So she had three, three pretty good years. Um, and most of them were from an experimental treatment, which was really cool. Uh, experimental chemotherapy. Um, and like, she didn't lose her hair. She didn't, so she was pretty high functioning. Um, but.
00:18:07
Speaker
I mean, it was, it was a year or so where she was on that experimental treatment. And then as soon as with those studies, as soon as there's a negative, any kind of negative in the study, they kick you off because they don't want to ruin the likelihood of the trial, you know, going through to the FDA. So I took her to every one of her appointments. I was, you know, in the, in the room with her, when the doctor came and
Community Support and Personal Resilience
00:18:31
Speaker
said, Hey, you know, your markers are looking lower this week. We're going to take you off.
00:18:35
Speaker
And she's like, well, what are my options? And he's like, I don't know. You got to go back to your oncologist and see. Thanks. Bye. And so that was pretty, pretty, I mean, we, we were very fortunate to, we went to Hawaii as a, as a family. We went, you know, while she was sick. So the treatment really helped her.
00:18:56
Speaker
have a quality of life with you guys for totally for those three years. And I mean, unfortunately, I don't want to get too much into it. But my siblings obviously being young the way they were and drugs being prevalent in our home. And it was just not a good situation. We you know, one of my siblings is a recovering, you know, addict and
00:19:22
Speaker
because of these scenarios, the stress was put on him, the availability was there. And so it was like me trying to take care of her. My younger sister was still in high school. We were trying to figure out what she was doing and give her the best life that she could. And my brother was, was still in high school as well. And it was, it quickly became like I graduated high school and put college on the back burner.
00:19:49
Speaker
I like to tell people I'm still waiting for Guinness to reach back out with my world record. For the longest and most community colleges. I attended six different colleges. Six different community colleges? Six colleges total. So four community colleges and then two universities.
00:20:08
Speaker
So I went to two community colleges and one university. So I'm halfway. I was, you beat my world Guinness. Uh, and then how many years, how many years? Oh, like seven. Oh, you beat. So I, I didn't six. No, maybe not. Maybe six. No, maybe it was six trying to think. Yeah. I started like a 20. I did like, you know, a few courses, 20 and I graduated, maybe I was 20.
00:20:33
Speaker
I don't remember me, I was 25, 26. Anyway, it felt like forever, but anyway. Well, especially in that age too, the paradigm there is like, wow, I am so old compared to people around me.
00:20:45
Speaker
Like, this is such a step backwards in my life. Like, I'm going to be so far behind everybody. And it's just so not true. Yeah, there's certain things. Doing a parenthesis here, there's that. But then also, for example, when I did go to the university, I went to Cal State Northridge. That's where I got my degree. But so when I was at Cal State, by the time I got there, because I was 24 when I started there, I didn't have to put my parents' financial information for my FAFSA, my form.
00:21:14
Speaker
There you go. So I got my last two years, so I did graduate 26. My last two years, I didn't, you know, I was paid before because I was, I only had to put my own financial information. So that was in the state of California that it paid off to not do, to wait to 24 to do the last two years. There you go. You heard it here first. This is the hacks.
00:21:37
Speaker
The seven year, the seven year route, six colleges or three colleges route. We still end up okay. So if parents have these high expectations of their kids, of doing some things here, wait, we all figure it out somewhere and other and end up at some place. Okay, so you had...
00:22:00
Speaker
Just a lot of pressure and responsibility. Not only were you then the caretaker to your dad, to your mom, but then to your siblings, then also going to school. You took then a break a little bit for college and then started then year round. But who was supporting you as a family
00:22:23
Speaker
When you are like, I know you had the community, the Jewish community, which you mentioned that when your dad passed away, did you have family that lived also in the area in Orange County or was everybody in the East coast and how, what did you guys have? I, I, uh, I actually was working two to three jobs at that point. Um, my, we do have family in Orange County and you know, they were helpful as they could be, but, uh, you know, they're,
00:22:51
Speaker
they're very busy as it is on their own. I mean, they were, my uncle's a very, I guess, known surgeon. So he, you know, taking a call all the time and two kids, very busy. You know, there's also seems like there's always added family drama when you're going through stuff. So there was like some, some family stuff that came up. And I think that kind of created a divide of the family. When, when tensions are high during those,
00:23:21
Speaker
those high stressful environments. It's, it's so easy to take things personally. It's so easy to get upset. But, um, yeah, I mean, we, we were lucky enough that we did have, you know, we didn't run through all the life insurance that my dad had. So, um, you know, we, we had that buffer. Um, but it wasn't a huge buffer. My mom was planning to go back to work and, um, to even work while she was sick. Um, but you know, it never got to that point. So.
00:23:50
Speaker
You know, we did have the community bringing us meals, spending holidays with family friends. It was difficult. And then when it did get to the point where she was really sick, I converted my, I had a downstairs bedroom. I converted my room to a hospice room and we couldn't afford a full-time nurse. So we had a nurse at night with her. She liked to get up in the middle of the night and she had like a,
00:24:19
Speaker
she had a port so it would administer any kind of medication directly to her heart. She liked to cut her IV in the middle of the night and walk around. Yeah, so I just remember, I remember like, she's like, on her on her deathbed, practically, and I'm having these conversations with hospice companies and they're like, Yeah, she keeps cutting her IV, we're gonna have to find her a new
00:24:43
Speaker
And I was like sitting there, I'm like, mom, you can't. And she goes, it's itches. You're cutting the cord. You're not even like pulling it out. What are you? So yeah, like, looking back now, it's comical. During the time of I was, it was not frustrating. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I think that that was my biggest task personally. And, and
00:25:10
Speaker
Honestly, I don't know that I would have had it any other way because I got to spend, you know, so much time, you know, you never want to see, you don't want to have to like shower your mother and help her, you know, feed her and whatever, but it, it was very, I don't know. It almost felt like easier than my dad because at least I was spending, she wasn't in the hospital all the time. I was spending time with her. I learned to navigate around.
00:25:39
Speaker
You know, anytime somebody takes that much pain medication, mentally they change. So yes, she would say some hurtful things or whatever close to the end, but learning to navigate those, I just felt like I was in a much healthier place watching one parent die. It made it easier to watch the second parent die, unfortunately. But yeah, it was definitely a healthier scenario.
00:26:06
Speaker
in a non-healthy environment. So Zachary, here you are at that point, then you were just, let me see, 20 probably? Yeah, so my mom passed 21. She passed right after. So her birthday, it was beautiful. So this is where fitness came in was I was so fixated on controlling what I could in my life that
00:26:34
Speaker
Um, you know, it became my therapy. I grew up playing ice hockey. I grew up very athletic. Um, and being able to like push myself to be better. I take things, like I said, I'm a little, a little crazy. I like to like really do my research. I take things to the nth degree. So I ended up like, well, she was in this like very sick time for her. I decided to do a bodybuilding show, um, while working two, three jobs, going to community college, didn't care for her.
00:27:03
Speaker
Um, I was the guy who brought Tupperware everywhere with me. I was going to the gym at, you know, 2 AM, whenever I could. Um, I do miss that energy I had as a 21 year old, but, um, yeah, it was such a nice variable that I could control when everything else was in chaos. So I, I going a little extra in that route, I think, um, really helped to keep me mentally focused. Um, and it was beautiful. My, my.
00:27:31
Speaker
Competition was on my 21st birthday and my mother was able to make it so I have a picture of her And my coach and I standing there. I had my I came in third place Yeah, yeah, so out of like 60 or so guys is pretty cool and You know, you just see her Her you know, she had her oxygen in but she was in able to come sit in the stands and cheer me on and then my sister
00:28:01
Speaker
expedited her bat mitzvah and had that all my mom's birthday, which is August 31st. So my birthday is August 8th. My mom's was August 31st. She had her bat mitzvah and then we had a party slash birthday party for my mom. And then, um, she thought that was it. She was like, all right, I can go now. Um, but she was very, very stubborn woman. So she waited until December. Um, but still I, I, she deteriorated very quickly after that. So she was waiting for.
00:28:31
Speaker
you know, these big momentous occasions where we had pictures and family was there. And people from the East Coast flew in for my sister's bar mitzvah. And it was just, it was beautiful. And then, you know, she was, God, I remember it's so hard to, she was supposed to pick a day to die at home because she didn't want to die in the hospital. It's like, how do you, I was so mad at her for not picking a day, but how do you pick a day? You're like, all right, I'm going to go today. Right, right.
00:29:00
Speaker
So the pain became intolerable and we ended up rushing into the hospital and my aunt, you know, bent over in the bed and said, it's okay to leave. You can go now. And she just very peacefully went, which I didn't get into too much of my father, but it was not peaceful. He was, you know, we had suction and he was
00:29:26
Speaker
spewing blood a little bit everywhere. He had a failed stem cell transplant, so he actually died from graft versus host disease. His brother, who was supposed to donate, ended up not being able to on the day of, so they kind of had to make a pivot.
00:29:41
Speaker
and it didn't work. Let's go into that because in the bio you sent me now, tell us how passionate you are then now about this aspect of stem cell and so forth and just the fact of what you studied. So medical anthropology, let's talk about that because you're going through these deaths that
Career Choice Influenced by Personal Experience
00:30:09
Speaker
of both your parents, this life experience that you went through. And that definitely shapes the direction in which you go and it could go either way, right? So would you have chosen medical anthropology as your degree?
00:30:28
Speaker
No, or not. Tell us what it is and also regarding stem cell research and donations and things like that. That is something that you help out with. Yeah. It's so funny because it's exactly what you're talking about. It's the intersection. Medical anthropology is really the epidemiology and understanding of how medicine has come to be, how the human body works.
00:30:57
Speaker
like the cultural anthropological aspects of understanding why we do what we do. So it's like my favorite, the body and the mind, like those two things and how they intersect and how they've been studied over time. And realistically, I was pre-med. So I was like, what looks more competitive than biology? Because everybody's a biology major. So I really thought my path was to become a physician and help people.
00:31:26
Speaker
Um, that didn't end up being the case and, and I'm very happy at least that you don't, if that ends up being the route, maybe, uh, yeah, exactly. Maybe PhD. I don't think, I don't think empty is in the cards for me. It's just, just yet. Um, but yeah, I mean, it's, it was so interesting to me to find an intersection of, I didn't even know that was possible. So that's kind of why I went down that road. Um,
00:31:56
Speaker
was to try to understand how treatments for things. I mean, I took a whole class about like learning about cancer and how it's formed and how it's treated. And it just blew my mind to, you know, there's nothing like learning something being in the environment, like watching my parents and listening to all those hospital visits over time. I definitely picked up knowledge and was able to kind of like, whoa, I know a lot more than the average 22 year old knows about.
Advocacy for Medical Advancements
00:32:24
Speaker
cancer research and how cancer works. And I actually found, so City of Hope has a stem cell department, that's where my dad was treated. And it's through a program called Be the Match, which is an amazing nonprofit that helps donors match with, it's not just cancer, it's all blood cancers, and then sickle cell anemia. So anything that affects,
00:32:53
Speaker
the blood and your genetics. And it's very interesting on a very, very high level. It's just basically killing the patient, bringing their immunity down to zero and introducing new stem cells into that patient and allowing them to rebuild. You actually will change blood types to your donor's blood type. It's very, very interesting. But in college at the first school, I met a guy
00:33:22
Speaker
We're still very close. But I met him. He was in the Jewish fraternity. I was rushing. And he, one of the first events, I was like, that's my buddy. I was like, who is that guy? He was playing tackle football in the sand with pick lines in his arm, which are like another way of administering chemotherapy. And, you know, he's missing his eyebrows. And I'm like, so there's, he's a cancer patient playing tackle football with the Jewish fraternity.
00:33:49
Speaker
I gotta know who this guy is. This was as my mom was sick. Come to find out, he was treated at City of Hope. He actually was a successful stem cell recipient. He started a nonprofit that helped kids with funding for treatment because it's still quite expensive. But I just fell in love with the science, with the idea, with the understanding of like,
00:34:18
Speaker
wow, you can change your genetics. You can fix ailments. And I mean, we've come so far from, you know, when my dad was sick in 2011, or when he passed 2011, like to now, he would probably be living now if he was sick, like to see the advances we're going through in these. And just to give people, you know, there's always that red button topic of stem cells. It's not like embryonic stem cells, it's stem cells.
00:34:47
Speaker
through your blood, so white blood cells. And now when you donate, a lot of people think, you know, they go through bone marrow, but they actually are able to take your blood, run it through a machine and take out the stem cells from your blood. They do have to give you a medication to kind of help boost the stem cells, but the process is painless and simple and easy and anybody can join the registry, it's free. They'll send you a swab, you swab your mouth and send it back.
00:35:14
Speaker
Um, you know, there's been over a hundred thousand people who've been saved today. And just that idea of like, literally stepping out of yourself and saving someone's life, um, was just mind blowing to me. So I got the opportunity to work with them after college. And I was like, I am, I am all in. This is amazing. This is, and it was a lot, it was a lot of tough work. I mean, a lot of people don't realize it was a nonprofit sector of the hospital.
00:35:41
Speaker
And I was in charge of a very large territory and I would basically just drive and get different schools and organizations involved and kind of do business development for them and tell my story and bring my passion to the environment.
00:35:58
Speaker
And stories are stories are really so important because it goes to the heart right of why it is something was started or you know like and people do get inspired by that. So by you going and sharing your story and the fact that your dad's
00:36:17
Speaker
process kind of didn't end up working out because of failed stem cell donation and so forth. It is inspiring for others. So that's amazing that your story is now saving other people's lives. So your parents
00:36:34
Speaker
legacy lives on because of the choices you are also making and saving others too. So I don't know. That's how I see it, at least of how you're sharing that. So thank you.
00:36:51
Speaker
In terms of tools with your grief journey, I just want to touch a little bit upon that, since we've talked about what it is you do now for others.
Empowerment through Sharing Grief
00:37:05
Speaker
You already mentioned some ways in which we're not the healthiest, per se, coping mechanisms with what you did.
00:37:16
Speaker
you know, drugs and the stress and depression and not healthy choices, but then kind of doing a U-turn there, then the aspect of fitness then being something that was a way of you controlling.
00:37:32
Speaker
which can go either way as well in some people, right? It could also go in another direction. That aspect of food and exercise can go in an unhealthy route as well. In your case, it went into a healthy way of coping with what you were going through of the non-aspect of control in your life. So what other tools that you use? You had
00:37:56
Speaker
the community then, you had your school, you had your, did you make it into your fraternity, into the rush you went into? I did and it was great because I was able to stay, even in junior college, they kept me on and that was, I mean, I still, I talked to my friend yesterday who I rushed with and it's like, that is- So that's a support. So that's another, okay, that's your other community there. Okay, so tell us then a little more about that. What other ways,
00:38:25
Speaker
did you, what other tools did you use? Yeah. I mean, I think, I was going to say, just being, I mean, it's, it's interesting how in life you don't always get what you think you're going to get, but you think you usually get what you need. So like scrolling on Instagram and finding you, it's like, I've worked with a few, uh, different nonprofits. I've told my story on stage. I'd like to tell people, I, I, uh,
00:38:53
Speaker
I opened up for Dana Carvey. I don't know if you know who that is from like Wayne's world and everything. Yeah. So it was really, it was amazing experience to be able to like be at this men's group and have these conversations. And, um, you know, I'm very passionate about fostering those, those kinds of environments. And I think that's been a huge, huge shift for me, which is being vulnerable and talking about these, these things.
00:39:17
Speaker
holding space for others to do the same, because it's such a, right, you take the power away from the situation, from the words, if you're able to kind of talk about it. And so that's kind of been, you know, on top of, you mentioned the fitness, and I think, you know, that was definitely a little unhealthy when it first started. And now, you know, I've found that a therapeutic rhythm in that, right, and adding in breath work, and adding in meditation, and adding in these different tools and components that really help to calm your nervous system.
00:39:48
Speaker
But just learning to be in the emotion and be around people when they're in the emotion and to be very present and give that space because I learned very quickly with my father's death. If you don't, it bottles up, you get anxious, you get stressed, you get just angry. And I feel like every time I have one of these conversations and then I really appreciate you, like I said, creating that space because it really, it's not just me. It's like having people come in
00:40:18
Speaker
being able to give power to them and their story and take power away from the anxiety and the oppression and the negative around it really can shift things because we are pretty much just a collection of our experiences. So, you know, if we're able to positively spin, there's no way of saying, you know, my parents dying was a good thing, but me being right here right now in this present moment is an amazing thing.
00:40:46
Speaker
And so many things could be so different, but I am just very grateful that I have these opportunities to share, to grow, to develop. You know, I think my tools can borderline on Unhealthy, but all of it is in the foundation of personal growth, right? That's what excites me. Yeah, that's at the end when we say healthy. It's like, it's a matter of,
00:41:14
Speaker
It's kind of like saying healthy food or not healthy. I mean, it is the food, right? It's food, right? So it's like, that's the thing with the same with choices. For someone else, that is just the way that they can cope. So that is way better.
00:41:30
Speaker
than the alternative. That's the thing. So when I was trying to say that regarding the control, I wasn't trying to make judgment on that aspect of physical fitness, but you know that in general in the health and fitness world, a lot of times things can go too extreme in either way, right? So that's why I was- That's the problem. It's the noise. I mean, it's the people are so confused and anxious and they, you know,
00:42:00
Speaker
I used to work in the supplement industry and it's just the idea that this is now something that is peddled down for everyone. It's like, no, it's supplemental to what you're doing. It's not meant to, so it's the same thing like you're saying, right? There's a healthy way of finding that. And then that's what I kind of help my clients with is like,
00:42:20
Speaker
You shouldn't be killing yourself for three months to look good on the beach one day. You should have a mindful practice. Sustainable lifestyle. Yeah, a sustainable lifestyle. And you mentioned something else before too, which is the aspect of the mind component, the community part. It's not just one
00:42:40
Speaker
way, right? It's not just like what you put in your mouth or the output in the gym is, are you surrounding yourself with people around you that are making you smile, the community like you were talking about before, those social components that are so important in our lives. Especially now with COVID and everything, and I listened to something the other day that
Living Authentically and Learning from the Past
00:43:08
Speaker
I feel called to kind of share is, is, you know, not just the social environment, but they were talking about having a picture of them as a young adult or a young child, you know, sitting present on their desk, like one of their proudest moments. And to think like, what would that child say about you? Because, you know, it's so important. I know a lot of people talk about like inner child work or like, you know, making sure that you're staying connected. But just like,
00:43:35
Speaker
Are you, would young you be proud of you right now? Or are you doing and fulfilling everything that you, we so often get, you know, distracted by the carrot in front of us that we forget what's surrounding us. So I thought that was very beautiful and really reshaped things. And, you know, I sat there thinking like, huh, little Zach before all the anxiety, before all the depression, you know, just pure,
00:44:03
Speaker
innocence, what would he say about me now? And how can I be better to make that person proud? Because if you're living in true alignment with that sense of self, I can't imagine you ever being disappointed with where your life is going.
00:44:21
Speaker
That was like a huge nugget right there that you gave. And it's about the being. Are we making our own self proud? It's not about others approval. It's about our true self making that trueness of ourselves.
00:44:44
Speaker
proud of where we are. And yeah, and the alignment component, which is, I think, huge. And so many of us end up living off of alignment because we are trying to prove to others that we can or try to fit into the society that's expecting. You said, keeping up with the Millers, which I had never heard that. I had heard the Joneses. I had never heard.
00:45:06
Speaker
I think that's a movie. That was a movie and I think I got it. But keeping up with others that therefore ends up kind of throwing us off of our course, right? So a lot of stress, depression, all that kind of stuff can be added because we're trying to keep up with other people's standards and not necessarily with even just our own or our seven-year route in college. Woo-hoo!
00:45:35
Speaker
Well, the biggest, the biggest shift for me with, with feeling those feelings and depression anxiety is like knowing that they're actually a symptom of like a larger disease or like you're saying misalignment. So rather than like, why am I depressed? It's like, what, where am I lacking right now? That's causing this feeling to come up sitting with it, exploring it because, you know, in my mind, it was like, I'm depressed. I need to fix depression.
00:46:01
Speaker
And at that point, you're just, exactly. Yeah. And going back to that, and then I think, and in going to that too, and in the medical field, since you're in that is that as well, right? What is the root cause of things? Not just let's just put a band aid on it, but what is, what is really, what even, you know, the,
00:46:21
Speaker
cause the cancer to begin with. My mom died of cancer as well, so I can relate to that. Did any of the emotions, the stress, any of those things add to the pile, as you were mentioning before? Thank you so much for everything that you've shared and all the knowledge. Is there anything I did not ask you that you'd like to
00:46:47
Speaker
share with the listeners and also how they can find you. Yeah, I mean, not really. I'm again, just very appreciative that you have this space for people and I think anybody who has a story would find great power in just opening up and you'd be surprised how many people you can connect with just by being vulnerable and being raw. Scary as it is, making that leap is the best decision I've ever made.
00:47:18
Speaker
I will leave you my Instagram and my email and anybody who wants to reach out for any reason, my LinkedIn the other day, I put a link to my calendar. I find so much pleasure in talking to other people and learning about their journey and just seeing what I can learn, what I can help with.
00:47:43
Speaker
Yeah, don't be afraid to reach out. And again, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Thank you. And so in the profile notes, go check out the details of his contacts. So thank you once again, Zach. We have Zachary Ferber on the podcast today. Thank you.
00:48:04
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:48:32
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.