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97. Eat, Breathe, Sleep, Repeat-with Julie New
82 Plays3 years ago
Julie New is an experienced personal recovery coach specialising in helping people after difficult and sometimes traumatic life change.
Prior to starting her coaching Julie spent 20 years in the UK NHS as
a senior nurse and midwife, she also worked on various pioneering NHS community projects.
Since becoming a professional coach in 2006 she has developed a unique New Chapter recovery program which has helped many people to reach new fulfilling phases in their lives, which they
hadn’t thought possible.
Julie is an author of popular unique personal growth gift books and is a well-known inspirational and motivational wellbeing conference speaker.
Contact Julie New:https://www.julienew.co.uk/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi for coaching or to be a guest on the podcast:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Basic Self-Care Essentials
00:00:02
Speaker
And when I talk about basic watering with my clients, that's eat, sleep, breathe with pee. Because when you're going through a very difficult time, it's very easy to not eat because we've lost all our appetite. You know, sleeping can become, you know, affected. Breathing, you know, we forget to breathe. If we're in pain, we hold our breath. So we become even more anxious. So all of these things, so it's a bit of a
00:00:30
Speaker
It's a bit of a fun thing, but it's actually really, really important. And I do practice that. I practice it on a daily basis because it's really important.
Introduction to 'Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between'
00:00:48
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:56
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:12
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:32
Speaker
Thank you for joining us in today's episode.
Guest Introduction: Julie New
00:01:35
Speaker
Today, I am speaking with Julie New. Julie is an experienced personal recovery coach specializing in helping people after difficult and sometimes traumatic life changes. She is also an author of two books who are The Flowers in Your Garden and the other one called The Grief Garden Path. Thank you, Julie, for being on the podcast today.
00:02:01
Speaker
Oh, thank you so much. We've been trying to do this, haven't we, for a little while. It's all good. It happens when it's supposed to happen, maybe other things. I think you're right. It's all good. I love the way you say, who are the flowers in your garden. I think it's just lovely.
00:02:24
Speaker
Well, they have to get you to do a voiceover for me, I think. Oh, what, for who are the flowers in your garden, yes.
00:02:33
Speaker
Is it just how I emphasize or where I emphasize? Oh. You've got a lovely voice. Well, thank you. That's really kind of you. It's so funny because when I hear back the episodes so that I can go ahead and kind of write down and edit, I do not like listening to my voice. You know how your voice sounds different to you when you're hearing it in yourself when you're speaking. So I don't like hearing my own voice, which is interesting because here I am doing a podcast.
00:03:01
Speaker
Um, thank you. I appreciate the compliment. So Julie, tell us about you.
Life in Bedfordshire and Home Details
00:03:06
Speaker
Of course, people are listening to the beautiful accent, which I do not know how to do very well. I had to try to learn to do a British accent once for, actually, I think I've had to do British accent maybe twice in two different plays that I was in. And yes, but I struggle. I always think Bridget Jones, I mean, she, she does such a good job.
00:03:28
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah. Honestly, I always, I'm always in awe of because she's Texan, isn't she? Yeah, she is. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, she's amazing. Yeah, I am English. Yes. English. Yes. What part of the UK? What part of the UK do you live for those that are familiar with the UK? Okay, so I'm kind of north just north of London. So in in a county called Bedfordshire.
00:03:56
Speaker
And I live in a grade two listed thatched cottage. It's beautiful where you're right now. Well, I've had to come up here because earlier it was really sunny.
00:04:09
Speaker
And it was just too sunny in Hope HQ, which is where I work. Oh, complaining about the sun in England? My goodness. It's like that should be like a miracle. I love a miracle. Oh, praise the Lord, it was a miracle. I was so, so blessed for the sunshine today. It was lovely. But it was just too much in my face. So I just thought I'm going to have to come up into... This is where my husband works. He calls himself a hobbit up here.
00:04:37
Speaker
Yeah, it's like, it's like this little what for the audience or the listeners, it's, it's like the top of a like, you know, kind of like a little attic kind of nook kind of space that it looks like. Yeah, these are 16th century beams. Wow. Yeah, so it's quite, it's very, very old. Yeah, it's beautiful. You almost had a note right down when we moved here, but yeah. Oh, really? How long have you lived there?
Family and Life Transitions
00:05:04
Speaker
So we moved here two years ago. So yeah, we only went out for some garden trellis and we came back with a grade two, this grade two listed thatch cottage and literally moved in within 12 weeks. So it was quite a
00:05:23
Speaker
quite a major thing, really. Yeah. Was it a big change from how you lived before? Was it a big change for how you lived before? Okay. Yeah. I guess it was really, because my daughter lived with us at the time. She went and found somewhere to live. When we moved here, we were on our own, so it was really nice actually.
00:05:52
Speaker
But that's a big transition too, because then you went also from having children live with you to then on your own in a space that's very different than what you're used to. So all those transitions, which we know can also create some grief aspects, bring out some green parts of it too in that journey. Well, that's wonderful. So now you mentioned one daughter, you mentioned her husband. Do you have any other children?
00:06:17
Speaker
Yeah, so I've got another daughter who's older. So she's 28 now and Polly's 25. Just had on my first grandchild, which was really, really exciting. Yeah, he's called Roman and he's just an absolute joy. He's so, so lovely. He's already giggling at the age of three months. I don't know how that's happening, but I think it's because everybody that sees him just beams at him, you know, laughs at him.
00:06:46
Speaker
laughs with him and yeah and then I've got a stepson as well called Austin and he is 22 so yeah so I feel very blessed actually I've got
00:06:59
Speaker
got my lovely family. That's beautiful. Yeah.
Journey to Personal Recovery Coaching
00:07:03
Speaker
So now tell us then how it is that you decided to become a coach and especially helping people in transitions. And I know you also have worked as a nurse and midwife. So tell us how you're a little bit more about your career and your journey and how that led you to where you are now. Yeah. So, gosh, I,
00:07:28
Speaker
Well, and I was very little. I always wanted to be a nurse, always. It was something that, yeah, I used to look after bees when they weren't very well. And, you know, I was always off chatting to people and people have always been a really important thing for me. And I think I've always cared about people. And so when I became a nurse, I loved it. I loved nursing. I loved, you know, became a midwife and
00:07:59
Speaker
in the UK, you know, we do a lot as the midwife, you know, I think it's slightly different to the States. So yeah, we, yeah, I just loved it. And then what actually happened was I landed up in a different kind of part of nursing, which was triage. And again, I really loved it. So it was taking the eyes away from the nurse.
00:08:27
Speaker
And people were saying to me, oh, you know, do your patients not miss you? And, you know, it's really sad that, you know, they can't see you. But actually, I think, you know, like we're talking now, you know, anybody that's listening, I think you, if you're somebody that hears what is and isn't being said, then, you know, it's quite a skill. And I think I have that skill.
00:08:53
Speaker
So I reached almost the top grade in nursing and around that time, well actually probably a few years before that, I started having personal coaching for myself. I was in quite an unhappy marriage and I had some changes that I needed to make. And a very good friend of mine actually became a coach and I was thinking, what is she doing?
00:09:22
Speaker
Because in the UK at that point, this is about 1999. Oh, yeah. That's early on. That's very early on. Yeah. Yeah. But I really trusted her, and she was also called Julie. Yeah, I trusted her, and I think as a coach, people are trusting you with their lives.
00:09:46
Speaker
as a coach now, you know, I take that very seriously and Julie certainly did. So I had coaching for quite a long time and then I think a good coach will always ask really good questions, you know, because they make you think more deeply about your life. And she asked me one day, she said, have you ever thought about becoming a coach, Julie? And I was like, no, no, not really, because I've been in a career that I'd loved and everything. And then I kind of thought about it and I thought, well,
00:10:15
Speaker
I've, I've kind of always done that. Do you know what I mean? I've always, um, it was my teams that work, you know, I've always wanted people to grow and develop and, you know, yeah, that kind of thing. So, so I kind of gave it some thought and yeah, I just was a crate. I did a crazy thing. I, I decided to leave my, you know, quite well paid at the time job. I was on my own with my girls.
00:10:42
Speaker
put them into one room, rented two rooms out of my house, did my coach training. I always knew I wanted to specialise in personal coaching. I didn't want, at one point actually when I qualified, I thought I was becoming a business coach because people's businesses were growing, because they were happier within themselves. And of course, then I had to realise that actually, no, you're not a business coach, you're helping people on their personal journey.
00:11:10
Speaker
And yeah, just over a couple of years started specialising in helping people after difficult and sometimes traumatic life change.
Utilizing Personal Experiences in Coaching
00:11:19
Speaker
And so it might be a divorce, it might be a separation, it might be a bereavement, an illness, a disability, whatever it was, I had that ability to be able to help them through and beyond that.
00:11:31
Speaker
So that's kind of what that's how you went. That's how you'd landed there. So you had your own experience in a transition that you were having in your life, going through a divorce. Well, I'd gone through that. Yeah. You had already gone through it when you started. No, I mean, when you started working with Julie, you had already. No, no, no, no. It helped me through that.
00:11:55
Speaker
Through that, correct, correct. So you yourself have been through that. You had been through an experience. You found coaching to be helpful in your life, then yourself becoming a coach to help others in their own journeys and specializing, of course, in this aspect of when they're going then in certain types of transitions.
00:12:19
Speaker
Do you find that the fact that you yourself have gone through something that was life changing, you know, like the end of a relationship and or so forth and also shifting in careers to changing in careers. That's a huge transition there as well from a nurse right to then changing to become a midwife. Do you find that your own life experiences give you a perspective, a unique perspective when you're coaching others?
00:12:49
Speaker
Yeah, I think so. Although that's a really good question because I thought you were going to say to me, to people, I think people see me in a slightly different way because I have been through difficult life change myself because the divorce was nothing in comparison to what we went through as a family after I qualified as a coach.
00:13:16
Speaker
three years after I qualified, we had some really, really difficult things happen. And so I think, I think from the perspective of people who come to me for, for coaching, I think they, they feel more understood because I have been through difficult life change. And I can, I think they feel that I, I'm more, I have more of an understanding, but actually,
00:13:44
Speaker
I've always had the empathy. I've always had the compassion. I've always, you know, and as a midwife, actually, people used to say to me, oh, you must be a much better midwife. Now you've had children. I used to think to myself, well, actually, I'm really not because I'm exhausted and I can't stay for delivery or I can't stay to help somebody breastfeed because, you know, I've got to go home to the children. So so I don't think it always follows that.
00:14:12
Speaker
that you're better at your job because you've had an experience. I think I'm good at what I do anyway, if that makes sense. Not that I'm blowing my own trumpet or anything like that. No, you know what? I think that it isn't blowing your own trumpet. It's actually being
00:14:39
Speaker
being grateful of the gifts you were given and acknowledging that these are gifts you were given. And yes, you ended up having life experiences that made you then kind of discover even more these gifts that you had and like, oh, I've always had these tools. Now I know why it is I'm supposed to use them, right? So by acknowledging that you've had them, it's kind of like,
00:15:04
Speaker
I don't know. I feel that we kind of shine away sometimes from acknowledging our gifts because of this aspect of, oh, am I being too boastful? No, you're being grateful that you were given these gifts, you know.
The Concept of 'Flowers in Your Garden'
00:15:22
Speaker
And I do feel very grateful. I really do. You know, I think, you know, it's like today, I've coached all day and
00:15:35
Speaker
I know the difference it makes to, well, the difference is made today to those people to have that space, you know, for them to have time and to have somebody, you know, be there for them. You know, and that just makes me, you know, because my purpose on the planet is to motivate and inspire you or them to be the best they can be in their world.
00:16:03
Speaker
regardless of what's happening or what's gone on, because I think it is possible to live your best life despite very difficult times. It is possible to move forward and to somehow navigate. And it's who joins us on that journey, isn't it? It's quite an important thing, I think, who we invite in.
00:16:34
Speaker
which leads nicely actually onto who are the flowers in your garden, because that's how, that's why it's, you know, that's what that book's about. It's about the people that we surround ourselves with, you know, the flowers in your garden and the, you know, life's very much like a garden, isn't it? If you don't look after it, what happens to it? You know, I'll ask a bunch of children that and they'll put their hands up and they'll be like, oh, you know, it dies or it,
00:17:03
Speaker
You know, they know exactly what happens to a garden if it's not looked after, you know, and then, you know, we think about, you know, I think about people. And in fact, I started my podcast just two hours ago, my own one. And one of the questions that I asked was, you know, if you were a herb, shrub, flower or tree, what would your loved one be and why?
00:17:29
Speaker
And cause, cause I was kind of branded in 2008 with a bright orange sunflower. And that's how all this started. It, it set me thinking, well, if Susan thinks I'm a sunflower, you know, what are you Kendra? You know, what are all the people, what are all the people that are listening? You know, and it's, it's a very, very interesting, I get some really good responses. It's, it's amazing.
00:17:56
Speaker
Now it makes me think of, I need to learn more about names of flowers now to start thinking which kind of flower I am, or herb, or shrub, or whatever.
Supportive Relationships and Personal Reflections
00:18:07
Speaker
And who are the people that are a tree? Yeah, I'd have to learn more about the different nature of each of them, you know, and the qualities of each one to know who it is I am and who it is I surround myself with. But that's a beautiful analogy.
00:18:22
Speaker
Now, who are the flowers in your garden, Julie? Who are those around you? What a great question. What a great question. So, well, I would say Julie actually, who I mentioned earlier, she's a very special flower in my garden. In fact, I would say she's more, she's more, she's an English, she actually chose to be an English rose because she became formed part of my coaching team at one point before
00:18:52
Speaker
devastation hit the garden and my personal garden and yeah, she's a definite flower in my garden. I've got another Julie who's a great, great friend of mine.
00:19:04
Speaker
FYI people listening to this, if you are a Julie, you can apply to be Julie's friend, because as of now, she only has friends that are called Julie in her garden. It's true, it's true. Yeah, in fact, actually, when I worked as a midwife, there were seven of us, we're all called Julie. Is that a very English name?
00:19:30
Speaker
I don't know. Isn't there Julie's in America? There's Julie's, but you know what? I have a lot of friends that are a lot of Genifers. I think it's generational. There's certain names that like all of a sudden like a certain generation like Jennifer's, Lisa's, you know, things like that. But I grew up in Columbia. So the States is my second home per se in terms of where I had my adult life. I had my childhood in Columbia.
00:19:58
Speaker
So different names in Latin America than there are here. But yeah, but right now, two friends named Julie. So how do you all call each other? Julie, you have to go by your last name. Julie, Julie, Jules. Yeah, it varies, actually. But I'm actually seeing one of them at the weekend because it's my godson's, her son. And so I'm godmother to the groom.
00:20:30
Speaker
So my apologies to interrupt about the Julie, the Julie, uh, Julie, a little thing joke here. Okay. So the two Julie's then that are part of course, Amy, Amy and Polly are the most important flowers in my garden. They are very, very important.
00:20:48
Speaker
I would say that my husband's a very strong tree right by my side. I think he's amazing. My godson, he's probably a pink flower actually and he's amazing as well. He's great. But yeah, I'm very blessed actually. I've got some really, really incredible people in my life and I know that and I know
00:21:14
Speaker
But, you know, that's taken time. I mean, I was, as I alluded to earlier, you know, I was in a very difficult marriage for a very long time and I wasn't very happy at all. And maybe we should never have quite, you know, you know, you can look back and think, actually, you know, would I have chosen that? You know, I was very, very young and, you know, yeah. So, so, yeah, it's an interesting question to be asked back to.
00:21:44
Speaker
Now you know how your podcast guests will feel when you ask them about their garden. Now you know. You just got the ball thrown back at you. I so did. I really did. I am very blessed, though, in answer to your question. So you said Julie was a, I'm so sorry, sorry, if I'm interrupting, if I'm interrupting, sometimes the delay. So my apologies if I'm talking over you.
00:22:13
Speaker
Can you hear me now? Okay. Yes.
Symbolism and Personal Identity
00:22:16
Speaker
Julie. So you said Julie, the one that was your, you said she was a, what is it? A Royal, what kind of Rose again? English Rose. English Rose. So are you also an English Rose? No, I'm a sunflower. You're a sunflower. Oh, that's what you said. That you were branded a sunflower. Okay. Okay. So it was a Julie that says, yes, tell me. Do you want to know why? Yes, I do. Absolutely.
00:22:42
Speaker
Susan gave me this and actually I still kind of think I probably am. I always have an ability, some flowers, I don't really know this, but they have an ability to turn towards the sun in most weathers. And I'm a bit like that. I tend to be able to in most weathers, you know, so if the weather gets a bit choppy or a bit stormy, I still have that ability to be able to see the positive side of things.
00:23:11
Speaker
Which is why probably I became a coach because, you know, I can see different angles to things and illuminate a dark path. So, you know, I can help people kind of navigate a journey. Um, yeah, so, yeah, so that's, uh, that's why I'm, uh, some, and I'm, apparently I brighten up a room when I come into it anyway. So apparently.
00:23:36
Speaker
Yeah. That is beautiful. Although today the sunflower literally walked away from the sun today. I know, I did. I did. I thought I better come and, you know.
00:23:47
Speaker
I'm joking. I'm joking. Taking taking the analogy to literal here.
Tools for Navigating Difficult Periods
00:23:54
Speaker
Julie, you were talking about the thing, you know, when you were going through that really hard period of your life, what aside from having used coaching for your as a tool and that transition, what other tools that you use when you were going through that period in your in your life that helped you ease the rough patch, per se?
00:24:17
Speaker
Yeah, so it goes back to the analogy again, which I've had to learn the hard way. And I've got my little trusty watering can here. I don't think you can see her. She's called Daisy Rose. So anybody that's listening, she's a little pink watering can. With little eyes. With little eyes. Yeah, little b-eyes. There they are. But it's...
00:24:46
Speaker
It's just really important, I think, for us to know what waters us, what makes us tick and what we need. So I would say in the beginning, I didn't really, I was in a really difficult place with my marriage, so I didn't have that ability to be able to differentiate and kind of know what. But over the years, I know what waters mean now.
00:25:13
Speaker
physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. But all of those things are really important. So I would say things like going for walks with my dogs in nature. We're very lucky around here. We've got a beautiful area that we can walk in. I think spending time with the people that I really love, surrounding myself with my flowers in my garden, I think is really important. Yeah, just
00:25:39
Speaker
getting enough sleep, that's really important to me. And when I talk about basic watering with my clients, that's eat, sleep, breathe, repeat. Because when you're going through a very difficult time, it's very easy to not eat because we've lost all our appetite. You know, sleeping can become, you know, affected. Breathing, you know, we forget to breathe. If we're in pain, we hold our breath.
00:26:09
Speaker
So we become even more anxious. So all of these things, so it's a bit of a, um, you know, it's a bit of a fun thing, but it's, it's actually really, really important, you know, and I, and I do, I do practice that I practice it on a daily basis because it's really important. So eat, breathe, sleep, repeat, repeat basic. Those are the basics. Yeah. But then you, but then as time passes and you start to.
00:26:39
Speaker
So on a daily basis, you know, you need to be thinking about, you know, people like us who are kind, caring, compassionate, deep empathy for others. We're always giving, you know, always. So we're doing it in our sleep. So we have to remember to do those things. And I have a muscle memory around that now, but actually I still have to be reminded because sometimes I forget. So, um,
00:27:07
Speaker
I mean, an example actually would be Sunday. So Sunday, just gone. I had a lovely day planned, Kendra. It was so lovely. I was going to go for a walk and I was going to do a bit of painting and do different things. Not painting as in painting, painting, but painting a wall. I'm not very arty. And I got this phone call to go on the TV in the UK. And I've never done TV before.
00:27:38
Speaker
So I landed up having to prepare for that and I landed up having to go down to London to do it. And I had a most brilliant day. It was absolutely fantastic. But yesterday I was absolutely exhausted. I was so tired, you know, and I just, and I really had to think to myself, you know, you need, so yesterday morning I just took myself off for a walk and Roman came over and, you know, I had him for a couple of hours and I thought, you know what, I'm just going to not
00:28:08
Speaker
do very much so I actually was kind of consciously thinking to myself I need to make sure that I'm topped up because I've got a really busy week coming up and then we've got the wedding and everything so yeah so I am I am quite good at watering myself now I would say but
00:28:28
Speaker
Yeah, it hasn't always been the case and I still need reminding.
Handling Personal Grief and Loss
00:28:33
Speaker
Well, that's why you have the other flowers in your garden to also remind you, because they'll know as your friends and your daughters and so forth, they'll know when
00:28:45
Speaker
They see that you may be a little off your game. Have you rested? What have you done for yourself lately? Because again, as an empath, as you mentioned, as well as what it is you do with your empath.
00:29:00
Speaker
And what it is you do, that being this giver and opening your energy field to receive from others all their energy and all their things and their, you know, then you need to be able to also, yeah, flush it somehow, moving, moving you, right? And so forth, too. And also, I say,
00:29:30
Speaker
I had the really difficult things that I alluded to. In the end, actually, I had to take a number of years out from my work. So I've actually only been back doing the work I love for the last three, three and a half years. So how many years did you take a pause from it? About three and a half, four years. Wow. Yeah. Because my second husband had become very, very poorly.
00:30:00
Speaker
over a number of years. And he passed away, it'll be nine, nine years ago, in a few days time. So, yeah, it was, I was just exhausted. And, you know, there were other things, you know, going on. And, you know, and I was just completely and utterly devastated. You know, it was, I knew, I always had hope Kendra until the day he died, that he would
00:30:30
Speaker
potentially get better. Um, when I first met him, um, and his story is actually in who are the flowers in your garden. Cause at the time he is dedicated to him, actually the book. Um, what is his, what is, what was your second husband's name? Rob Rob. And he was the most incredible man he really was. Um, and yeah, he,
00:30:55
Speaker
He never complained. He was paralyzed from mid chest in a motorsport accident 10 years before we met. And I never saw the chair. Honestly, I never saw the chair. I only ever saw him because he, first of all, he was six foot five and he sat quite straight in the chair. And in fact, I'm part of a group which is based in the United States, which was started by somebody called Sara Garik.
00:31:23
Speaker
And she, she's the most incredible young woman. She started a group, which is a Facebook group, which is called Wives and Girlfriends of Spinely Injured Men. I don't think it's called that anymore, actually. I'm still a member, but I kind of stick around in there on the odd occasion that I'm needed. Sometimes, you know, they have some of the men that die. And, you know, I just kind of like pop in and just, you know, say, you know,
00:31:53
Speaker
whatever I need to say. Yeah, and yeah, it's, it's, you know, I see that as, well, it was, it was incredibly helpful for me as well at the time.
00:32:04
Speaker
to have that support. And by the way, I didn't ask you, because you did say something hard had happened, but I didn't want to intrude, because I figured if you'd want to share about what had happened, you would, which now you're sharing. So thank you for sharing about, because that is another layer then of grief, of course, because you had then the death of a loved one. We all say, though,
00:32:33
Speaker
I don't know how to tell you this, Kendra. Richard also passed away. So he passed away 12 years ago. Your first husband. Yes. Your daughter's dad. Amy and Polly's dad. Yeah. So the best day of my life was the day I left him. But the worst day will remain, I would say, will remain the worst day of my life because
00:33:01
Speaker
the way that it happened, he died very suddenly. And also the effect that it was going to have on our girls. How old were they when their dad died? So Polly was just 13 that week and Amy was 16. And yeah, so it was, she was doing her GCSEs, which is like the, before you go into, you know, the S.A.T. is what the S.A.Ts are here. Yeah.
00:33:31
Speaker
Yeah, so we'd already gone through that, and then Rob's health had started to deteriorate quite badly. We were living with him at that point. And so my girls also lost their stepdad. And I never, ever thought I would meet anybody as special as Rob, but actually I have, and I'm very, very lucky.
00:33:57
Speaker
But I did need to take that time out. And, you know, and I would say to anybody, you know, going through difficult, you know, difficult times, you know, give yourself what you need, because if you don't, you land up in a much, much worse place, much worse. And so I'm just gonna, my hair's falling over my face. Yeah, you know,
00:34:24
Speaker
This becomes even more important, you know, so I'm holding up my little watering can. Because if we do that, you know, I'm genuinely back firing on all cylinders again, but it's taken me a very long time, you know, to move into my next chapter.
00:34:45
Speaker
And this is coming from someone who had even the tools, you know, you had the tools and yet it's still hard. And so for anyone listening to this, you know, again, give yourself grace, give yourself grace, because even if you know what to do and you know rationally what you're supposed to do in certain situations of grief or transition or any hard times,
00:35:10
Speaker
Um, it's still okay to fall apart. It's still okay to take time up, you know, a way to give yourself space to go through the painful times. Um, because we, we are human, right? We sometimes I think forget that we are. No, we are, we are any human after all. And there's a few, whether you've got that song over in America, but, um, there's a, there's a song.
00:35:37
Speaker
isn't there? Yeah because we are we are only human and actually you know when somebody we truly love or something if we've lost something we truly love we are going to grieve its loss and you know we have to go on our journey of grief
00:36:03
Speaker
you know, the grief garden path, which is why my book.
Writing 'The Grief Garden Path'
00:36:07
Speaker
Yeah. So now share about this one and when did you write it? And do you share in this book these different, the journey then of, of your first husband, Richard passing, and then also Rob as well. Okay. So share, share about this book. I do, I do, but it's so about three years ago. Cause I, I knew that I was going to be writing another book at some point. Um,
00:36:32
Speaker
I'd always known since I was about 11, mind you, Mrs. Lowe, my English teacher, laughed at me when I said, I think I'm going to write a book one day. So that put me off straight away. And so, but I never knew quite what I was going to write about, you know? And, and I think because I, what I write about is real life. I write, and I, and I just thought the most obvious thing to write about, cause I was getting this itch to write again. And I write longhand with a pen, you know, pen and paper.
00:37:04
Speaker
You must have beautiful penmanship to be able to write that. You see, if I were to write, if I were to write, I'm showing you my notes, I would not be able to then pass it to, yep, you see, I can't even read this again myself and I just wrote it. So this is the notes from our conversation right now, Julie, and I'll still struggle when I read them. So I could not write a book.
00:37:29
Speaker
with pen and paper. Oh, that's funny. That is how I write. I write as I speak as well, so I do have to have a really good copy editor. So that's just to say as you know, it's not me that's written it, really. Well, I have written it, obviously. I have got a very good person that does that. And I also don't do the illustrations in it either. I've got two illustrators that
00:37:57
Speaker
are fantastic and they're amazing, but I suppose interpreting my words, you know, and they do it so beautifully and, you know, I'm very blessed. So yeah, the Grief Garden Path, I just knew I needed to write about grief. You know, I'd had a clinical experience of it through nursing midwifery, you know, babies, you know, baby loss.
00:38:26
Speaker
I didn't ever have a maternal death. Um, but of course in my nursing career, I had, I saw a lot of, you know, death and dying and the impact of that. And I was, I was taught it on a sort of cerebral level, but actually the, the lived experience of grief, in fact, three weeks before the book went to print, I, um,
00:38:50
Speaker
I changed the dedication of it because I knew I needed to dedicate it. It was very magnanimous of me, by the way, to include Richard in the dedication. Yeah. So it's dedicated to Richard and Rob. And then the other irony was that last year during the lockdown, my younger brother passed away, who I was very, very close to. And he is called Richard.
00:39:21
Speaker
Yes, you couldn't write it, could you? You couldn't. So he, yeah, he, he was, I mean, I was just acting next of kin at the time. And I mean, he's at peace now. And, you know, that's, that's really good for him. But going back to the grief garden path, I think, so from a clinical perspective, I knew, but then I've, I also used my, my lived experience of it, but I also started interviewing people. So in the book,
00:39:51
Speaker
Although it looks very, it's a gift book, so it's a coffee table gift book, that's how it's designed. There are actually in chapter three, nine stories from people. None of them wanted to be anonymous. They all wanted to be known. And yeah, they were just, I'm so blessed that they trusted me with their stories. But I wanted them all to be back, feeling the sunshine again. So all of them,
00:40:20
Speaker
had lived the experience and were back feeling better, but still obviously loving the people that they'd lost. And yeah, so it's quite a powerful little book really, because it's, you know, it helps people to understand the kind of, I've got two models of grief in there, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and Dershima, which is a contemporary model of grief. Not when I don't know, I don't know that one.
00:40:48
Speaker
Yeah, it's quite a good, I remember seeing his, it's just so simple and I just thought, oh, that's where I am. I'm clearing up the mess that's been left behind. And, you know, and grief can follow all sorts of things, you know, can't it? You know, the loss of a relationship, this book is specifically for when somebody dies. So, yeah, I feel really proud of it and
00:41:16
Speaker
And then there's a whole chapter on watering you, you know, because it's so important, you know, even from the get go.
00:41:25
Speaker
Yeah, grief. Yeah, because in grief, that's the part of, again, you need to do more things that are filling you up, right, during that time. So do you give some tips in terms of ways in which people can water themselves during the grief journey? Yeah, there's a whole chapter on it and I share the exercises and, you know,
00:41:53
Speaker
Yeah, it's in fact Catherine, Dr. Catherine Mannix, who I did a live webinar with last year with Hospice UK.
Collaborative Webinar and Inspirations
00:42:03
Speaker
At the very end of this webinar, because we were asked if we wanted to talk about our books and actually we both looked at each other and we were both like, we don't want this to be about our book. We wanted to be about the subject.
00:42:22
Speaker
But I came up with the idea that we read from each other's books, but we didn't know what the other one was going to be reading. So, and she read the whole, I mean, this is somebody who has got, she's a Sunday Times bestseller in the UK. She is the most incredible woman. She was, so she came very much from the dying aspect. So she'd be an amazing person for you to have on your podcast. Yeah, she- Connect us, yeah.
00:42:50
Speaker
she's a really amazing woman and but she she read the whole thing and she then she said and I've even done all the exercises in it she showed us the exercises and this was this was brilliant because she said do you know what she said I need to make more time for and I actually know that she's just gone away with her husband for a week because her second books just come out and I know she's been really busy with that so yeah I know that she has taken on board the
00:43:20
Speaker
watching your analogy. Yeah. You see, everybody can always learn from someone else. So even, even if you had this idea of her being like, Oh, wow. It's, you know, what is her last name again? Catherine? What did you say? Manics. Manics. Yeah.
00:43:36
Speaker
Yeah. M-A-N-N-I-X. Yeah. And so for you to see her as this, you know what, but she still, you know, was able to get so much from your book. And so then you read then from one of her books then as well. That's a great idea of doing that. Yeah, I did. No, no, because I'd read it from cover to cover and I'd loved it.
Reflections on Death and Early Beliefs
00:43:57
Speaker
And because she's a palliative care consultant doctor and was, and she's now retired, but she's now campaigning for
00:44:06
Speaker
you know, people having a better experience of death because it's, you know, it's one of the one things we're guaranteed in life, isn't it? So let's, yeah, let's, let's talk about that, about death. Let's talk about what was your, what were your feelings before having these two experiences back to back, three now with your brother.
00:44:34
Speaker
What was your perspective growing up or what were you taught about death growing up and how did that impact your grief journey? And how did that impact your grief journey? I think I was very protected as a really good question. I think I was very protected as a child from difficult things. And I think that that can make things more difficult.
00:45:04
Speaker
when you haven't had or maybe it's the fact that I didn't have anything really difficult happen.
00:45:11
Speaker
Maybe that was it. Or maybe things happen and like you said, you didn't even know that maybe things happened because they were covered up. Did you ever have a pet that just ended up growing up? Yes, I had many pets. And did they just go to a farm? Did it just go to the farm instead of your parents telling you about it? No. So the pet that I'm thinking about actually was Smith, my guinea pig.
00:45:41
Speaker
And actually in my first book, because in both of my books, there's a fictional story within a non, it's a nonfiction book.
00:45:49
Speaker
So, but there were guinea pigs in my first one and then the second one, those seagulls. But anyway, that's the whole long story. But I actually dedicate, I didn't dedicate a bit to the guinea pig, but I actually, I actually included Sniff in it because he was such a beautiful little guinea pig. He used to follow me around the garden and I love that guinea pig. And what happened when he died, for example, was that your first experience with death then when you were a kid? Was it Sniff dying?
00:46:20
Speaker
I can't believe we're talking about space. That's so funny. It's so important, Julie, because we're talking about the part of thinking that you might have not had things that happened. It's as if we kind of put it on the side that this aspect of our mascots, our pets, being such a huge part of our lives and that when they die, it does have a huge impact.
00:46:49
Speaker
And then how it's maybe, you know, how the family handles it too will impact maybe other things that come to us in life. That's why I asked. Yeah. No, it's really, no, it's really good question. Really good question. Because, yeah, I mean, he must have had a big impact because I use, I talk, I wrote about him. Oh, these undos living under the trampoline and everything. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, it's,
00:47:18
Speaker
Yeah, he obviously did have quite a big impact on me, I think. But I think that, you know, I was very loved as a child. I mean, that's something I'm very, very lucky. I think seeing my children in pain, you know, was worse than anything because, you know, if anybody wants to read, there's a really good blog actually that I wrote. It's called Nigel.
00:47:48
Speaker
Um, if you go to my website, which is julienew.co.uk, you can, you can read it because that'll give you a taste of, of how bad things got with Polly on her journey. But then you can look at her now and you think, well, you know, she's, she's just done, she's doing really well, you know? Um, but she had a lot of support from me, um, on that journey and I got people to help her and support her. And then we got Nigel.
00:48:18
Speaker
Talking of pets, we got Nigel the dog, which is, he's this little, little dog. And he changed her life, you know, because it changed her attitude towards her birthday, because her birthday was when her dad died. And, you know, so, yeah.
00:48:40
Speaker
Yeah. So pets have played a big part in our lives, actually. Yeah. Okay. So then death. Death, was it something back to, because I interrupted with the pet story, with asking you about the pet. So was death something that was talked about in your home when you were little? Do you know, I honestly can't remember that it was. Okay. So you don't remember ever your parents having gone to a funeral or anything like that at all? I knew, I mean, I knew that my grandparents had died before I was born.
00:49:10
Speaker
Um, so on a, on a level, I knew, yeah, I kind of knew that people died. I knew that what was believed, what was believed in your home about what happens to people when they die? Oh, that's a really good question. Oh my goodness. Um, so, so I, I'm, I'm a, I'm a Christian. I, I believe that there is something greater than us. I believe that.
Faith and Coping with Death
00:49:38
Speaker
And I,
00:49:38
Speaker
you know, we used to go to church at Christmas and Easter and what have you. So I think I've always had a strong faith myself in God. So, and I think that does help. I think it helps me knowing that my loved ones have gone to a better place and that like my brother, he was a gardener actually and a tree surgeon.
00:50:09
Speaker
You know, I can imagine him tending God's allotment. Do you know what I mean? Or something, you know, because he suffered terribly when he was, when he was here. And actually I felt an incredible sense of peace when he died. And I still feel that now. So, so Richard's death kind of brought me a different aspect to what it's
00:50:37
Speaker
what it's like to grieve the loss of somebody because actually I don't feel I mean it might come back to bite me in a few years time I don't know but I don't think it will because he's so at peace and I know he's gone to a better place so
00:50:51
Speaker
Yeah. So, yeah, so your spiritual beliefs have played a huge part in your grief journey in bringing some kind of peace or enclosure in that respect. Yes. You know, that's part of the reason when I started this podcast was my own curiosity of how people grieved and whether their beliefs in death, around death,
Exploring Beliefs About Death
00:51:20
Speaker
played a part in their grief journey and how that dynamic kind of worked. And that was part of my curiosity. So that struck for me to have the podcast, of course, of my own life experiences were part of that and knowing that this could be a tool.
00:51:40
Speaker
But it was also my curiosity to find out if it played a part in the grief journey, having some kind of hope around what happens when we die and of what I've observed. Even people that don't believe in God, per se, still hold on to some idea of what happens when we die. That gives them hope. And that's why I called
00:52:10
Speaker
where I work, Hope HQ, because I think that's something that we always have, is Hope. In fact, there's a really beautiful poem that was shared by a seven-year-old little girl called Rosie, called Hope. She wrote it last year, and it was shared on my Facebook
00:52:39
Speaker
group page, which I actually started that group when I was leaving work because I was on my knees and they all wanted me to keep them connected in some way, my clients and people that came to my events and all that. And yeah, it's her mum's part of that group and she shared this poem.
00:53:06
Speaker
I wish I had it actually to hand because I'd love to read it because I think it'd be a good end.
Community Support and Hope
00:53:12
Speaker
If you want to look for it, please do. What is your Facebook group page called? It's called Forever Flowers. It would be, wouldn't it? Forever Flowers is their Facebook group. Is it public? People can find it or can they find it on your website? It's a private group.
00:53:34
Speaker
so people can request to join the group. And they'll be very, very welcome. I've got people in 24 countries now in that group. We started off with 50 women and now we have men and women above the age of 16. I think we've got almost a thousand people in there. And people- And it's mainly for supporting each other and- Well, it's really just to receive. I never put any pressure on anybody to share anything.
00:54:04
Speaker
And so when people do share something, it's really the case of this. Let me just have a look and see if I can find it. Somebody liked it and then it reminded me of it. And I thought, oh, that's so lovely. I'd forgotten about them because I actually did promise her that I would put it on my wall.
00:54:23
Speaker
So I'll share that your website then below. So julienew.co.uk. Is that correct? That is correct. Oh, do you know, I think I'm going to find it. Yay. And then the Facebook group for the listeners is forever flower flowers. I've got it. I've got it. Yay. And here is Rosie. And Rosie, what a perfect name for her in this group of flowers for her. Yes. She lost her dad.
00:54:54
Speaker
when she was four. Wow. And she wrote this at what age? Do you know about how old she was? Well, I reckon she, she wrote it, um, Oh gosh, what was seven? Yeah. So should I read it to you? So this is what Rosie wrote. Hope. Hope is a value. Hope is a sign. Hope is something we can, can rely on at any time.
00:55:21
Speaker
Hope is a wish. We hope will come true. Hope is a thing where its magic is never due. Hope brings us together. Hope will come true. Thank you, Hope, for making our wishes come true. Isn't that just beautiful? I've got chills. I got chills. So beautiful. And I promised her that I would actually put that on my wall, so that I'm going to make a pledge.
00:55:49
Speaker
It's going to go on my wall. So beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. I got, you see, I got a little beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Yeah. So beautiful. And it's like the purity that comes from, gosh, from these souls. And do you know, do you know what? She, she was at my book launch of the grief garden path and she was one of the first in the queue.
00:56:16
Speaker
but she also helped us with the raffle. So we were raising money for the Good Weave Trust, which is a charity in the UK that I'm part of and well, I'm not part of it, but I support them. And yeah, my husband Neil, he had her helping us with this raffle and she was brilliant. And I think she even read a poem that night that she'd written
00:56:45
Speaker
Well, we're going to have to be looking out for Rosie's books and the future. She's probably going to come up with her own coffee table book with all her poems at one point. So beautiful. Julie, is there anything I did not ask you that you would like to just share with the listeners before we
00:57:04
Speaker
say goodbye today. Is there anything you'd like to share further on either your books or and I'll definitely share these and again the names of the books are who are the flowers in your garden and actually that's a good way to even like a good journal entry for all of us to start at one point of really reflecting of who are the but that's the name of your book and then the grief garden path and I'll share your your websites.
00:57:34
Speaker
Anything else you'd like to share?
Business and Global Coaching
00:57:36
Speaker
I think that the name of my work is my business is Changes Forever. And so I think somebody that worked with me when I was coming back to work, she kept on saying, changes forever, changes forever. It sounds like change is forever. And then she suddenly said, change is forever, but the pain doesn't have to be.
00:58:03
Speaker
And I think that's what I'd like to leave us with today. Change is forever, but the pain doesn't have to be. Does it have to be? And for those of you also too listening, if you've liked, you know what you've heard, you know, you can reach Julie and also have her as a coach as well. And you'll have a unique recovery. I'm sorry. Since the lockdown, I've, I'm working with people all over the world now, which is lovely. Yeah.
00:58:33
Speaker
And yeah, I hope HQ doors are open to anyone now. Perfect, perfect. Anybody, anywhere, as long as you're able to connect and you can find all that information. Yes, because you do have a way of guiding people through these different ways. Into their new chapter, yeah.
00:58:54
Speaker
new chapters of their life because that's it's chapters it's absolutely that it's moments in our life and we think of it sometimes when something happens as if it's permanent right and but it's it's just part of this whole book of our lives is just one of the chapters and we go from different chapters so thank you so much it's been lovely talking to you and learning you and making me reflect as to what flower it is I am
00:59:18
Speaker
or shrub, or weed on the grass somewhere. I don't have to think of it. Well, you know, it's a whole other debate, that is. It's a whole other podcast. A whole other one. Yeah. We have to interview people as to what it is you can, you know, hop on
Launching a New Podcast
00:59:38
Speaker
life. And then the name of your podcast then again? So the people can be on the lookout. Oh, the grief garden part. And it's coming out on the 3rd of December, which is National Grief Awareness Week.
00:59:49
Speaker
the first day of it. Okay. Perfect. Well, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you Julie. Thank you.
01:00:01
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
01:00:30
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.