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29. Standing In The Ashes Of Your Life- With Angela Gentile *E
75 Plays5 years ago
Angela Gentile shares with us her journey of grief after the death of her father from an aneurism. When her dad died she was in a very unhappy and unfulfilled place in her life and felt she was not living in alignment with who she was. After her dad died she was standing in the ashes of her life and had to do multiple 360’s to create the life she was meant to live. A life that would become also a way to honor her father’s memory, because she did not want his death to be in vain.
Since then she has created multiple projects and ways of helping others. She is the Founder of Sweat Remix and as a certified teaching Professional since 2005 from coaching to public school to fitness, she specializes in helping people transform pain and loss into powerful purpose. From the Sweat Remix #ZenRageHeal process to Big Sister Coaching, both focus on moving through what is difficult both physically and emotionally, giving people permission to really meet the best version of themselves and life a life that is truly powerful.
Listening to her journey you too will feel inspired to Zen Rage and Heal!
(Explicit colorful language used during our candid conversation)
Contact Angela on IG: https://www.instagram.com/theangelagentile/
Link to Sweat Remix: www.sweatremix.com
Link to Big Sister Coaching: https://www.theangelagentile.com
Music: http://www.oneplanetmusic.com
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or for more information about grief coaching sessions: http://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
Unpacking Trauma and Forgiveness
00:00:01
Speaker
unpacking a lot of that like trauma and a lot of that miscommunication and a lot of falling outs of my dad for me to say, okay, like I understand where those come from. And I understand why I reacted and why he did what he did. And we all did the best we could at the time. And now here I am. And I forgive him for all of it. I forgive myself for all of it. And now what do I do?
00:00:26
Speaker
because I love him and I want to honor him in ways that I couldn't. I was not able to. I did not have the tools, the capability, and the capacity to do that while he was here. So how do I do it now?
Podcast Introduction and Guest Connection
00:00:41
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:48
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:04
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:26
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode. Today, I have the pleasure of chatting with my new friend Angela Gentile. Angela and I connected via Instagram. Lately, I feel like we've connected with several people on that platform.
00:01:43
Speaker
It's interesting with grief how you kind of just extend your circle because you do end up realizing that other people that have gone through grief experiences or are in that journey of grief really can relate to what you're going through. So you extend this circle of friendships and connections in that platform, which has been a really interesting journey for myself. So Angela, welcome to the podcast.
00:02:13
Speaker
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I think, I love that you said that, that Instagram, for all of its faults, for all the negativity sometimes, like there is beauty in it, if, you know, especially using it to connect in times of struggle and need and to just gather information. And I think especially when we're grieving, it can be a very lonely and isolating process, especially in your circle of friends, if you're
00:02:37
Speaker
processing in a way that might not make sense to other people. It's really nice to connect when you see something familiar and oh, I feel that way too. So I just appreciate you having these kinds of conversations and inviting me to join.
00:02:51
Speaker
Thanks. Thanks for having me. I'm so grateful that you are here. I'm so grateful that you're
Journey from Teaching to Burnout
00:02:56
Speaker
here. So tell us a little bit about you. I know you were a teacher for many years and then kind of shifted. So let's talk a little bit about what you did and do now. Yeah, sure. And then we'll go into other stuff. Yeah, it's quite an evolution.
00:03:16
Speaker
kind of the worst, best public school teacher that there ever was. I was a really creative and powerful
00:03:34
Speaker
energy. I always have been. I think I came out the womb like that. My poor mother and father just had their hands full with me. I'm a Leo, so you hear me before you see me kind of thing. So yeah, I was a public school teacher at high school. For the majority of my time here in teaching wasn't spent in Boston and in the Boston public school system.
00:03:59
Speaker
Yeah, I had a lot of great ideas. I had a lot of creative things to do. I was really passionate about learning and inspiring. And I think what happened over time is I really got pigeonholed. And a lot of that creativity got subdued. And it was, I think when I was on and I was great, I had wonderful connections with my students, and I still do. I still talk to them. I still see them. They reach out all the time.
00:04:29
Speaker
That was beautiful, but I think over time, the more I grew up and started to get into myself a little bit, I started teaching, God, when I was like 22, 23, the fetus. You got out of college early then. How old were you when you got out of high school then?
00:04:51
Speaker
I was 18. So let me think like 24, 23 when I started teaching. You went straight. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Just graduated, you know? So yeah, I think as I grew up and started to kind of unfold myself, I realized like I was not meant to be in this job and it was square peg round hole. And I'm a really creative person, but I am not an employee. I'm a boss.
00:05:15
Speaker
And the more that I get told what to do, and the more I look around, I'm like, I could do your job better. I was just, I don't want to play by the rules. And over time, I just got really angry, really burnt out, really better. And I was like, I don't want to do X, Y, and Z. I want to do A, B, and C. And those lives didn't really cross. So I just.
00:05:33
Speaker
It wasn't a match anymore. And I think that's what happens, you know, with a lot of things that you start really young and as you mature and grow, some things just don't necessarily grow along with you, whether that's jobs, relationships, places, hobbies, et cetera. So, yeah. And I think I didn't really realize- Well, your saying is amazing.
00:05:51
Speaker
What you're saying right now is so amazing because yes, you're right. It fits into so many different things, but so many people end up just trying and trying to true fix it or like to become then the square in the round pet, or mold into that to be able to fit. And it still, it's like feels so out of alignment and people feel unfulfilled, but it's because you really are not living in your true self. So what shifted at what point did you're like, whoa, I need to get
Father's Passing and Emotional Impact
00:06:20
Speaker
out?
00:06:20
Speaker
I think there are several instances where the world was just giving me little love taps on the shoulder being like, hey girl, you might want to listen to these nasty things that are happening right now and make a shift. I would get in trouble, I would be very reactive, I have a personnel file, whatever.
00:06:43
Speaker
I was just angry. And I think the more that I was stuffing myself down, oppressing who I was, I was miserable. And that shows like, I didn't, the students didn't deserve that. I shouldn't have been there. I should have left. You know what I mean? So over time, like I just wasn't listening. And
00:07:02
Speaker
I was just unhappy, but I didn't know what to do. And it was sort of that situation in the movie Mean Girls when it's like, stop trying to make fetch happen, Gretchen. And I was like, I don't know what to do. I didn't know what else to do. Oh my gosh, it's been so long since I've seen that. Yeah, but we know the reference. But we know the reference.
00:07:22
Speaker
No, I don't even remember that reference. I'm going to have to go see it. So then I had this moment where I was like trying to do different things. I started a fitness business in grad school that I was just kind of like meandering around playing with as sort of like a side hustle.
00:07:43
Speaker
Um, and I was like, I might be onto something, but I really wasn't ready to make the jump into doing like fitness and running my own business full time. I didn't believe that I had something substantial to offer. And like I said, the world just kind of kept showing up. And the big thing that caused me to like multiple three sixties, like spin out car crash and look at my life was when my dad died. I lost my dad in December of 2015, uh, of a sudden aneurysm.
00:08:14
Speaker
So okay, so you had been in grad school. While you were in grad school, were you also still teaching at that moment? Oh yeah, I was doing all the things. Are you also teaching all of it at the same time? Yeah, because I just kept thinking like,
00:08:29
Speaker
It has to be me, right? Like it's not the job. It must be something wrong with me so that I can, why can't I do this job? Like being in an abusive relationship, you're like, oh, it must be me. No, baby girl, he's an asshole. Get out. Like that's, this isn't you, you know? But I think, I thought I just did more and like got more qualified, had this thing, like did this lesson, took this trip, got this certification, like everything, it was all external.
00:08:56
Speaker
Everything was external rather than facing like the internal things that were going on and the complications of my own trauma and my own healing within me. I just put it outward into the world until my life rocked and my dad died and it forced me just, like I said, multiple 360s, like a spin out. I was like, what?
00:09:15
Speaker
So let's talk about that. So do you want to go into just a little bit of a picture of your relationship with your dad and then just how it was that you found out the news and then we'll go into how that ended up shaping who you are now. So you get that call, where were you on December 18th? Is that the day he got the aneurysm or was it sudden?
00:09:45
Speaker
Yeah. Tell me a little bit about that. So, um, there were a few days leading up to it, like he died on a Friday. So I want to say like, maybe that Monday or Tuesday, he had a stroke and my dad was only 65 and he was with my grandmother and my grandmother saw like his face droop.
00:10:07
Speaker
And it was like, oh my God, 911. And my dad was like, no, we're fine. Like he didn't even, he just, I mean, that's one of the symptoms of a stroke is like to be in complete denial. Like you have no idea what's happening to you. So, um, they brought him to the hospital. He had a stroke and I didn't get the phone call that he was even in the hospital. My father lived like two hours away from me and like the Western part of Massachusetts. So I didn't get the phone call from his and from his wife until like 10 PM.
00:10:36
Speaker
And I was like, what? Nobody told me. And they're like, he's fine. He's okay. And I was like, all right, forget it. I'm coming. Right. Right. Cause I, they know that I'm emotional and then I would panic and I would like set the hospital on fire and like come in, you know? So they, they waited to tell me, um, around like 10 o'clock at night and I,
00:10:56
Speaker
call out of work. Until you're out of the hospital at that point. They're like, let's call her when she were not in the hospital, so she doesn't set the hospital on fire. No, I love that, because that's what I do to my mother. I'm like, let me tell her what I'm doing, this crazy shit that I'm doing after the fact. No, they told me, I think once they realized everything, what was happening, just gathering some information,
00:11:21
Speaker
before you know they reached out and with next step so i came to the hospital like two hours away the next day and i was there like tuesday wednesday and yeah and then my dad got released like i mean there's a huge long story and they're just kind of fighting with the doctors about i don't know
00:11:43
Speaker
they wanted to do procedure A and I was advocating for procedure B but because my gut instinct was telling me procedure B and then I had to have three different doctors like this doogie howzer motherfucker came in I was like nope who are you get out I want the doctor like I was really the pit bull and the Rottweiler in this room like advocating for my dad but I think after three different doctors and my family was like Angela let's just do what the doctor says I was adamant of like like that I don't believe that we should be doing procedure A I think we should do B
00:12:11
Speaker
Am I a doctor? Absolutely not. Like, did I go on WebMD like I was a doctor? Absolutely. I just felt something in me call to, to this particular, I was like, this isn't right. I don't like what you're saying. It's not right. My instinct was like red flagging it all over the place. But, you know, my dad was released. I went home and he was released the next day. And as he was getting out of the hospital, I called him.
00:12:40
Speaker
And we chatted and he's like, you know, I'm quitting smoking. I was like, all right, well, finally, this is what it took. Awesome dad quit smoking. Great. Um, and he was like, I'm going to get my patch. I'm going to get the pills and you know, that's it. And I was busy.
00:12:58
Speaker
I was like, all right, dad, that's awesome. Sounds good. I gotta go. I got a jet. I'm going to teach this fitness class. I can't really talk. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. And he's like, I love you too, honey. This is Thursday. This is Thursday. This is Thursday. And that's the last conversation that I have with my dad. So, and then Friday, um, I went to work on my routine, wash, rinse, repeat like it normally was. And then right around like one o'clock,
00:13:23
Speaker
on that Friday, the day that he died, I had this overwhelming and compelling urge. And this was like six period. And I was like, I need to call my dad. I don't know where this came from. And I like had to stop and I was like, I can't call my dad in the middle of class right now. And I was like, Hey guys, we're gonna just play some music. I was like, I just, I'm thinking of my dad right now and I want to play some music. So I played Chicago, like the band Chicago. And then I was like, I gotta call my dad after class.
00:13:53
Speaker
So three o'clock comes, my boss comes in and he's like, talking to me about some crap. I have no idea. I'm like, I don't care. Like, please let me leave. I have to call my dad. And then things got away from me. I was going to an event that night, like I was getting my hair done and all of that. I was putting gas in my car. It was right around like five o'clock. And I got a voicemail from my stepmom. Like once I got back into the car.
00:14:18
Speaker
And she was crying and she says, you need to come to the hospital. And I was like, Oh my God, my dad is dead. Nobody said anything. I, but I just, I knew, I knew, but I didn't want to believe it. Cause you had been feeling it all day. Cause you had been feeling it all day. Yeah. Yeah. So she, um, yeah. So I sat, I sat on my couch like in disbelief. I was like, no, he's fine. No, Angela, stop thinking like that. Like he's fine. Like I didn't,
00:14:46
Speaker
I didn't know anything. I didn't want to believe anything. It took me three hours to get into the car to drive. I had to have a friend drive me to the hospital and sit on my cell phone. I was like, sit on this. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Cause I knew, you know what I mean? Cause if you don't know, cause it's kind of like, if you don't know, even though you knew exactly, even better than if you're hearing the words and it makes it more real. Yeah. Like if I don't go.
00:15:16
Speaker
if I don't, you know what I'm saying? I was even like, should I just go to this event? You don't have to face it. Yeah, you don't have to face it. Yeah, I was like, I should just shower and go to this event, literally. You know what I mean? And I was eerily calm. Yeah, in that moment. I was just very calm, like disbelief. You know what I mean? So then I get to the hospital and I check in and they're like, oh. When you see the nurses go, oh, that's her. And I was like, oh, fuck.
00:15:45
Speaker
So they send me into this like private room, which I didn't even know that they had like a private waiting room. And I guess it's like for people in this situation and like my whole family was there. I was the last one. Everybody was waiting for me and the priest was there. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I was like, uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And
00:16:07
Speaker
I am not religious and I, for any, I do mean, don't disrespect to anybody who is, but like that priest needed to get out of the way. Cause I was not very nice to him and I was like, let me see my father. I don't need to pray right now. Um, yeah. And then I went into the room and my dad was on life support. And in that moment when I had my hand on the curtain and I, I pulled it open, there was a sound and a release that came.
00:16:36
Speaker
out of me that I've, I've, I can't recreate and I can't, I can't really explain. And it was like, guttural, guttural, guttural completely. Yeah. But like part of me was gone in that, in that exhalation. Do you know what I mean? A part of my soul was like gone. And the thing I said to myself and I maybe it was out loud, I can't recall. I just said, I forgive you.
00:17:08
Speaker
You know, our parents are not perfect. We are all imperfect people. Do you think to him? Yeah. You were saying to him. Yeah. Yeah. Like I forgive you. I forgive you. Like the sound and I just like, I forgive you. And, and I just said, no, no. And I was like on my knees next to the bed.
00:17:26
Speaker
And I just had my dad's hands. Like, this is so weird. My dad, as this athlete and golfer, had literally the softest hands. I did not inherit that gene. I have like calluses and like chipped nails, like such a lady, but yeah, the softest hands.
Processing Grief and Forging a New Path
00:17:43
Speaker
No calluses at all for him? I swear to God, nothing. No calluses from holding a golf club? He's swear to God, like a baby's ass, just like suck. So I just remember being like on my knees
00:17:55
Speaker
with his hands like over my face. And I, I was just like, I never want to forget what this feels like. This will be the last time I ever touched my dad, like I hold his hands. And I mean, it might've, I don't really care how it looked, but like, if you just imagine that scene of a 34 year old woman on her knees next to a hospital bed with tubes in her father with his hands like all over her face.
00:18:25
Speaker
crying, sobbing, guttural noises, you know? Yeah, and then the doctor came in and my stepmom, it was just me and my stepmom and the doctor, and he was like, you know, what would you like to do? And I was like, what? What do you mean? And he was like, you know, I don't remember what he said. Whatever kind of medical jargon,
00:18:55
Speaker
whatever he was using. Basically there was so much blood in his brain. He had a huge aneurysm and they could try to drain the blood. And I said, okay. And I looked at him with every ounce of like honesty and integrity to advocate for my father. And I said, will he ever golf again? And the doctor was kind of taken back and like, he wasn't being rude.
00:19:22
Speaker
Yeah, he wasn't being rude, but I think it was just like, he was shocked at that. He just explained to me how complicated this was. And I was asking probably what was like an asinine question. And he was like, no, just shook his head and like made a face like, no. And I said, okay. And I said, then I looked at my stepmom and she was like, what do you want to do? And I was like, okay, this is my decision.
00:19:52
Speaker
And I said, I was like, he wouldn't want this. I was like, if he would never play golf again, like that was my dad's lifeline. That was what he did every day, all day. He was retired early so he could go and like be on the golf course all day, every day. Like he would camp there, I think, if you would let, if you let him, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Anybody would let him, you know? Yeah.
00:20:21
Speaker
And they said, no. And I'm like, that's it. Then there's no decision here. Like, this is it. This is it. My dad won't want to be on tubes. None of it. He wouldn't want that. And so how long after that, then did they that they unplug the like an hour? What is it called? I don't even know.
00:20:46
Speaker
So in that hour, you felt when you made that decision, you knew that it was a decision. You were advocating for him. So you felt that peace with that decision in that moment. Yeah. Yeah. There was no other decision to make. Good. Yeah. I mean, and you can go back and you can replay. Like when we, when we look at like the text messages and who called him and I'm like, God, I talked to him around like one o'clock and I was like, get out of here.
00:21:15
Speaker
So when we look at the timeline, that when I had that moment where I was like, I got to call my dad is probably when he died. And you know, had I called him and had he not answered after just being released from the hospital, I would have called my stepmom. My stepmom would have come home early, would have seen him on the floor. He would have gotten to the hospital earlier, but what would he have been saved? Right. Drooling, like being confined to a wheelchair. Like I know that.
00:21:45
Speaker
how the course of events have unfolded is the way that they were supposed to. It's how it had to be. And how it had to be. How it had to be. I mean, God, I could drive myself crazy of blaming my boss for coming in and bombarding me with something stupid or not calling, but I do think my dad was sending me a message and he was saying goodbye. I do. And like I said, I think had I called, what would have been? I can't say.
00:22:15
Speaker
I know that what my life is now is because of him. And I have taken my life to mean something so much more than it was when I was sitting rotting in a classroom being miserable. And I don't know. I think that's what he had to give to me to continue to pay it forward with his legacy through me. So I can't imagine anything different. I can't. I mean, obviously, would I want him here? Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:22:44
Speaker
I just that I don't I can't I don't know how do you how do you take the life that you're in that you've like adapted to and honored and also like want it to be different I don't know anything else other than this
00:23:00
Speaker
Does that make sense? What you're saying is, yeah, absolutely it makes sense. I mean, the name of this podcast is grief, gratitude and the grain between. And with the part of gratitude that comes from that growth that we go through, it could be growth, you know, whatever, or, or gratitude. It, it doesn't mean that we wish, you know, that we're happy that somebody's passed away or that we're happy that something hard happened.
00:23:22
Speaker
but that we can see the wisdom behind that and know that it was meant to be in that way for us to be who we are now or certain things to turn out the way that they did. So how did you cope with like what was your first few things that you did when he died to be able to cope with your day today and with that reality of not having him
00:23:51
Speaker
That's tough. What were some of those things that you did? I think it didn't happen in a blur. Yeah, it didn't happen right away. Like I didn't like get up and like make a green smoothie. I didn't I do remember because he died right before Christmas, you know. So I already had his Christmas present. Yeah, under the tree. The only Christmas present under the tree, you know, and
00:24:19
Speaker
I just remember cause we had, so that was a Friday and then we had to go to the funeral home. I want to say Monday. So yeah. And I was like, I'm not burying my dad like after Christmas. Like I want, like this just needs to be like done. I'm not going to drag this out. I showed up at the funeral home, like not showered, no bra. Like I think I was probably still wearing the same clothes from Friday.
00:24:49
Speaker
Matter of fact, yeah, I was, you know, I don't, didn't brush my teeth. Like I like in a, in a mess. I was a mess. Um, and I'm very lucky that I had a handful of really good friends who dropped everything to be with me. Cause I was the first one. I was only 34, um, out of my like immediate group of friends to have lost a parent. So, but no, but like I took one for the team of like, Hey guys, this is how it's going to go down. This is what it looks like, you know?
00:25:20
Speaker
Um, but yeah, I don't think my process really started until after all the logistics were done, like after the phone calls stopped and the sympathy card stopped and the lasagna trade stopped coming, like, because all of that was just distraction. And, and it wasn't until
00:25:39
Speaker
life resumed normalcy for everybody else. And I'm standing in ashes of an old life that doesn't exist anymore. And I was like, well, everything, like what the fuck? What do I do? I don't, what is my life right now? So it probably wasn't until like February, like a good two months after he passed when things like kind of just resumed and no phone calls. And I was alone. It was me and my dog.
00:26:08
Speaker
Um, so one of the things that I did immediately, I don't know if it was healthy, but this is like what, how I, I coped, like I went back to work right away. I live alone. So it was just me and my dog and I was single at the time. So I was like, I don't, what do I do? I can't sit in this house and like pace and cry. I was like, I need to go to work. And it was like a distraction, you know, but I would come home and I would freak out about the dark.
00:26:38
Speaker
Um, like for some reason I thought that was not something that was not something you had before. That had not been something you had. No, not at all afraid before. No. I mean, sure. Like I don't want to be like in a dark basement by myself or like in a dark alley, but like the darkness of my own house that freaked me out.
00:26:58
Speaker
So I would turn on all the lights. And I think I thought that my dad was just gonna appear as a premonition and talk to me. And I was like, oh my God, a ghost. What was he gonna look like? A zombie? Was he dead? I couldn't wrap my head around this and I would sleep. I'm not even joking you. Every single light in my apartment, even in the living room, all the lights were on.
00:27:23
Speaker
I don't know, like for some reason that was like what I needed to do to like even process what happened because I think the nighttime was the worst because it's when my mind was not distracted and I had to face the reality of his passing and that's when it was the hardest.
00:27:42
Speaker
Yeah, because by you going back to work, it was one, you had been very busy before. It was not like you suddenly chose to let me get busy because I want to distract. It was already something that was part of your nature. To be busy, you were already at work before. It was not something unfamiliar, but it also just helped you not have to
00:28:03
Speaker
be in that sadness all day long, had you stayed home. So tell us, so you started going back to work. That was kind of how you started to cope, was just getting back into the busyness. So at what point did you start seeing then, because you said something so powerful, the standing in the ashes of the life I no longer basically had.
00:28:30
Speaker
What started to kind of see like what was how were you perceiving your life at that moment now with this new reality? What what yeah, what was what was in your in your mind? I think I mean, I think coinciding with the lights there was a lot of I would fall to my knees like I needed to be in like a hands and knees position and I would sob I would throw up
00:28:59
Speaker
I would, I would, I would collapse and I needed to be like grounded on all fours. Um, and I think it was in that purging of emotions and loss. I had to really unpack some of the other things that were really deep, a lot of trauma, a lot of patterns, a lot of what the hell was this for?
00:29:30
Speaker
Why? I would cry and I would just be like, why? And I would scream in the car by myself. I would scream on my hands and knees. Why? And I would scream, my dad is dead. Like I had to scream it out loud as if it like, like it needed to resonate and bounce off the wall so that it would resonate with me that he was gone. So I think it was in that like purging of a lot of pain.
00:29:58
Speaker
that it made me just say like, what was this for? Why? My dad was too dope. He was too great of a man. And maybe it had to allow me to understand that maybe I didn't appreciate him as much as I could have and build as strong of a relationship as I could have when he was here. So how do I honor him now? How do I,
00:30:23
Speaker
How do I like say I'm sorry and how do I honor this man who was so amazing and more amazing than I ever gave him credit for while he was here? How do I do that now? And I think when I started asking that question and it took me unpacking a lot of that like trauma and a lot of that miscommunication and a lot of falling outs of my dad for me to say, okay, like I understand where those come from.
00:30:51
Speaker
And I understand why I reacted and why he did what he did. And we all did the best we could at the time. And now here I am. And I forgive him for all of it. I forgive myself for all of it. And now what do I do? Because I love him and I want to honor him in ways that I couldn't. I was not able to. I did not have the tools, the capability and the capacity to do that while he was here. So how do I do it now? And I think when I started asking that question while crying on my hands and knees on my kitchen floor,
00:31:22
Speaker
with all the lights on in my house. I was like, what am I doing? This isn't it. I'm not happy. Like I have to honor my dad by like being brave. Cause I was like, I'm brave as fuck. If I survive this, if I am able to pick myself up off of my floor, shower and go to work and like be okay and not take my own life, yo, I can do anything. I'm brave.
00:31:49
Speaker
My dad taught, he gave me this. He put this in front of me and he died to show me that I am brave and that I can do anything. You are brave. I'm brave. That you could stand up. Yeah. You could stand up now for yourself and for your own life and what you wanted your life to look like. Yeah. Because you had already been able to face that. So what then made you completely do that 180?
00:32:18
Speaker
I just wasn't again, it was like, what am I doing?
Breaking Free from Societal Expectations
00:32:22
Speaker
I can conquer anything. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Oh, because I'm afraid to piss people off. I'm afraid to say no, I've picked up all of those like female people pleasing.
00:32:32
Speaker
like inherited reactions and responses to things like that aren't even mine. These are like generational shit that just has been bestowed on me. And I'm like, I don't really want this anymore. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Like, so I'm going to break it. It's other people's stories. It's other people's stories that you just carried along. Absolutely. From generation upon generation. So I was like, and so then when you chose to broke that pattern, what was the first thing you did? I quit. I quit my job.
00:33:02
Speaker
I mean, well, let me back up. I made the decision to quit my job, but I'll be real honest with you. I wrote out a lot of sick time. Cause I had like four months of sick time that I wasn't going to get paid for. And I was like, nah, that's not going to happen. I'm going to get paid for four months. So I took a lot of sick time in that time. But once I made the decision of like, this is it, I'm not going back. No, it was in like four months. I was just like, nope, this is not it. I'm out of here. I can't, I can't do this anymore. And.
00:33:31
Speaker
It came from a conversation to do that. I do have a, Oh yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Oh, can you hear me? Okay. Is my mic really low? Uh, I think it's just my headphones. So sorry about that. Um, no, we're good. No, no, it could be that it's a delay. Okay. Good. Um, yeah. Tell us, tell us, tell us. I didn't have an exact plan, but like I said, I was kind of teetering around with this fitness business and the side hustle. And I remember talking to my principal at the time who.
00:33:59
Speaker
I actually liked, I was like, oh, finally, someone who like isn't an ass and is like really competent, finally. And we were sitting down and he was like, Angela, he's like, you're not happy here. And I just burst into tears. This is probably May of 2016. It's like six months after my dad died, basically. And he's like, you're not happy. And I'm like, no, I'm not. He's like, what do you want to do? I'm like, I don't know. And he just looked at me like a dad, like a dad. And he just said, Angela,
00:34:31
Speaker
Sometimes you have to jump with or without a parachute. And I said, you're right. You're right. And that's when I was like, you're on the way down. Build that on the way down. And I said, you're right. And it was in that moment that I was like, yo, I got no parachute. I have no plan. But like I said, I survived this. I'm surviving this. Like, I'm going to be fine. Nothing in this world will break me, please.
00:34:59
Speaker
Like if I made all this money while I was like unhappy and broken, imagine what I could do as a whole centered, authentic person. I'm gonna make millions, you know? So I was like, I gotta get out of here. This isn't it. If any second my life could be taken from me and I could drop dead on the floor from an aneurysm, what the hell am I doing? I gotta get out of here. And I left. I quit. And I spent that summer, because if we get paid over the summer,
00:35:29
Speaker
And I was like, what, what am I doing? And I just kind of, I planned I had all this money in the bank because I was trying to live a life that really wasn't mine, like get the good job.
Creating Sweat Remix
00:35:40
Speaker
And I was going to buy a condo. And I don't know if anybody knows what the cost of living here is in Boston, but like,
00:35:45
Speaker
You know, 500,000. I lived in the, I lived in Massachusetts. Yeah. Yeah. A whopping half a million dollar gets you like a 300 square foot studio. So like I was, I was ready to like buy something and put it down payment. And I was like, that's not really what I want. So I took a year and I was teaching fitness classes here and there, but I kind of took a retirement and I, I saved enough money to live comfortably for a year.
00:36:14
Speaker
And I was like, I have a year to figure this out and I'm just going to feel, I'm going to listen to myself and I'm going to try and I'm going to fail and I'm going to be okay. You know, so I took that pause for myself. I took, thank you. Thank you. I took a pause and a retirement to get away and regroup. What do I want now? What's this going to look like? Who am I? What's important to me? What do I value? What do I want to do every day? How do I make that happen? What's the plan? How can I execute something? Did that work? Watch, wash, rinse, repeat, you know?
00:36:47
Speaker
And then, and then, so then what after that year, then what, what evolved from that, you were still taking your fitness lessons. Now your classes now tell me a little bit, cause you had shared with me when we spoke about that, um, that program that you had developed when you were in graduate school. Um, so that started to evolve again a year later or how, yeah. So that's kind of, that's kind of what I ran with. So when I was in grad school and like I said, I was just sort of something I was,
00:37:16
Speaker
playing around with as like a passion side project. And I started running wellness programs at schools for teachers. Cause I was like, this job sucks. Everybody treats you like shit. Teachers matter. So I created this class that was very like mind, body, soul centered. And I was running it like illegally in my classroom. Like we would move all the desks and teachers would pay me, which anybody listening, like that's not okay to do. Um,
00:37:44
Speaker
Yeah. And they were just paying me like 10 bucks a class. And we had a class full of teachers doing this like bootcamp and meditation. And I was like, you know what? I think I'm onto something. If people aren't paying me to do this, right? Like how, if they're paying me to do this, how can I continue to run with it? You know? Um,
00:38:04
Speaker
Yeah. And then I was like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to do this. So I got, I got contracted now that I was no longer like an employee of Boston public schools, like I could go and work at schools and get paid. So I would get contracted and I would have teachers pay me or I would have the school pay me. So I started running fitness programs at schools for teachers in the Boston area. That sounds.
00:38:25
Speaker
Yeah, it was great. And then you still think because you saw the need. The thing is that had you not been in the school system for the years you were, you would have not realized that that was the need, you know, a need for these teachers to also keep their sanity. And it just helped them be better teachers because they were having this hour. How long was it? 45 minute class? How long was it?
00:38:47
Speaker
to come in a class to regroup and then be able to be more present for those kiddos. So what an amazing journey. So yeah, it took you back to the school system, even though you were out of it as a regular instructor. I do think it was like a natural progression though, because I think as you're pivoting, you keep like one foot where you feel comfortable.
00:39:11
Speaker
And I was like, I knew that world. I knew education. I knew the pain points. I lived it for almost 15 years, you know? So I think over time, again, as I continue to evolve and listen and pay attention and get to know myself and love and honor this newfound sense of self that I had coming from grief and coming from my dad and learning like what that meant, I kind of realized like,
00:39:38
Speaker
I wanted to be as far away from education as I possibly could. And I love teachers. I think they're amazing human beings. And I think a lot of our systems, education, corrections, healthcare, all of it, are very toxic. And I just knew when I had those conversations about what I value and how I want to feel,
00:40:02
Speaker
what I was doing didn't align with it. So I knew that it was time to keep moving and keep pivoting because I knew that like being in a school system like wasn't the right fit. You know, but again, I think it was the natural progression. So what was the next pivot? I took the class. Yeah, but it was that part of it. Yeah. Okay. So I took the class and I branded it and it's called Sweat Remix and it's a remix of like hardcore bootcamp and meditation. And it's very,
00:40:29
Speaker
mind body soul oriented and it follows the process of Zen rage heal. So Zen, we calm the mind, set an intention because everything we do shouldn't be just to do it. There should always be intention and purpose and meaning behind what we do. Like why are we here? If we're going to set ourselves up to work out and we have 45 minutes to do something for ourselves, what's the intention? What will that look like? Feel like sound like? Let it take over your body and let's manifest it. Rage.
00:40:57
Speaker
work your body, like purge out anything that no longer fits so that that intention can fit into your energy space. And the same concept of being in that like uncomfortable, I gotta do burpees for how long mindset is the same mindset that it takes to do the emotional growth, to do the healing, to go through grief. It's the same skill. It's the same level of discomfort. It's the same mindset to say, this is uncomfortable and I'm still going to be here. And the last part is heal.
00:41:27
Speaker
Oh, after we rage, after we're in that discomfort, what do we do? Yeah. What do we do with it? Cause I think a lot of people stop at rage. They stop there.
00:41:39
Speaker
But now you have this openness in your body and without being protective of that openness and aware of that openness, you are just as susceptible to go back out into the world and fill yourself up with negativity, hate, toxicity, anger, insecurity, fear, and every other low vibrational energy that keeps you stuck exactly where you are.
00:41:59
Speaker
So without that meditative food for thought mindset mantra talk at the end of class, like that's what fills you up. That's what puts back and patches those holes where we feel empty so that we are coming from a place of internal calmness and wholeness that everything we need is already within us. And there's no need to seek external validation. Like I got this.
00:42:28
Speaker
And again, so much of this, this Zen Rachel process came through my grieving process, you know? And it was just the best way that I could think of to honor my dad. This is my dad. This is what he taught me. This is what he's given to me to help change the world, to help change other people, to help change the way we look at ourselves as humans, to the way that we move with intention. So that was sort of how sweat remix came to be. And
00:42:58
Speaker
It started off as something I was doing so that I wouldn't have to correct student work. I could run a wellness program during my grad school thesis to a really succinct, meaningful, purposeful, and authentic way to honor my dad and to up the vibrational energy that this world needs so badly right now.
00:43:22
Speaker
Oh, this is so, so good. I'm like, can we take a class even if we don't live in Boston? Like, how does it work? Like, do you have any online programs? Okay, share a little bit about that. And then I want you to share before we get off, don't forget to share a little bit about the big sister coach too. So tell me a little bit about the sweat remix.
00:43:45
Speaker
So I was teaching it just kind of like building brand awareness like locally, you know, so I would go into gyms and I'm like, hey, I got this class. What is it? What do you do? And I'm like, yeah, I just feel like I didn't have a website. I didn't have I have nothing. And I'm just kind of like, make my presence my very big presence known. And now you go to Shark Tank, they'd like kick you out the door. No proof of concept yet. Yeah, nothing. I had nothing.
00:44:13
Speaker
I had nothing except like a persona of like Angela wears crazy pants and like a fanny pack. Did anybody who knows me, I love me a fanny pack. I hate purses. I hate backpacks. So I had a very like unique look. So I think my persona, my look, my, the way that I moved energy and the way that I moved people, yeah, just really got traction. And that's how I built the brand. That's how I built the name. Um,
00:44:41
Speaker
And then when COVID happened and everything shut down as terrifying as it was, it was kind of the best gift that I could have given myself that the world could have given to me because it allowed me to shift and pivot. And now instead of being contracted and working at gyms and stuff, I'm in control. So all of my classes are online now. And I even hired and train a new instructor. So we're growing, we're scaling and everything is all online. So you can take it in your living room. I have meditation. So there's a, um,
00:45:11
Speaker
21 days of Zen meditation where you can just really get some clarity for the next 21 days of unpacking what your trauma is, what holds you back, re-shifting your mindset, managing your anxiety. Rage, workout with me. I have on-demand workouts and then I host three classes a week right now.
00:45:32
Speaker
All online on my website and then I am building out and I will be launching in October which is a fully independent online course Called the transformative guide to being epic and it is everything that I have learned
00:45:47
Speaker
on how to be in the skin, in the space, how to cope, how to live purposely, how to live intentionally. And I've put it into an online independent course with videos and a workbook. And I go live with that in October. So ZenRach Hill process is all over my Sweat Remix website. So anybody who wants to take a class, come through.
00:46:10
Speaker
Wow. Well, I'll make sure to put that, you know, all your data on the, all the info on the show notes so that people can go to your website. Yeah, thank you. And also find you on Instagram and all that kind of stuff. But that is just amazing. Like just that, you know, really, really 180 that you did and the passion and the
00:46:29
Speaker
The, I can't imagine you having been the person that you were describing yourself to have been before. Cause you know, like that anger or something, you know, like, I just, I just can't imagine that because that is not who I know right now. I know, but I think when we look back on many iterations of ourselves, we do the best we can with what we have at the time. And at the time that was the best that I could do.
00:46:55
Speaker
But in this evolution, I quit three years ago and I have completely changed my life and how I view the world and how I show up and how much I love myself. And I think like why I've chosen to even pivot a little bit more, like as my brand and fitness has become more sustainable, I think now I'm finally
00:47:17
Speaker
in a place as a human being who is still processing her grief, will always be processing her grief, but is ready to have bigger conversations about it. And when I launched my newest venture, which is Big Sister Coaching, this is for women who were just like me.
00:47:40
Speaker
who have been miserable, angry, repeating toxic patterns and just like on the precipice of wanting something more for their life but are opening up their toolbox and seeing that there's a jolly rancher in there and maybe a couple paper clips and they don't have what they need to jump off the cliff with or without a parachute.
Launching Big Sister Coaching
00:48:01
Speaker
You know, so you mean they can, unless they're MacGyver, unless they're MacGyver, they can do something with that paper. He always caught something on fire. You know what I mean? So you're, you're there to be part of that. You're there to be in their toolbox. You're there to be able to give some of these, uh, tools that have worked for you for people that are going through that.
00:48:29
Speaker
Yeah, a new experience, like a major loss, whether that is like the loss of their job, the loss of their a loved one or the loss of their self.
00:48:39
Speaker
in major transitions in our life, even happy ones, because there's still a sense of losing who you were, of that identity component that's there. So I totally can relate to that. And it's so interesting because I thought I was like, oh, maybe I'm the only one that thinks this way. No, I'm not the only one that thinks this way. The more I have these conversations openly about grief, I realize that so many other people believe that way as well, that grief happens in many areas of our life.
00:49:06
Speaker
So in, in that way, then how long have you been doing big sister coaching then? So three years with sweat remix, big sister coaching. How long has it been with this venture? It really just knew like I started it in COVID. Like I said, when things pause, I was like, Oh God, my body can rest for a minute. You know, like teaching, I teach in like 15 classes a week, girl. I'm, I'm 39 years old. Like we're not, you know what I'm saying? Like we can't do this. It was a young girl game. So.
00:49:36
Speaker
I was like, what, where am I? Like when I started this, I was just so eager to be like out and about and active and moving. And again, as you listen and you continue to pivot, like where my heart and my soul is speaking to me to have more honest, connective and vulnerable conversations that expand beyond fitness. So that's like what I've learned in, in COVID and in quarantine is that I've pivoted again and like following my heart to say, Hey, you don't have to suffer.
00:50:05
Speaker
Like I suffered, I fucking suffered. I spent the majority of my, all of my twenties and the majority of my thirties suffering. And God, if I could have these conversations, if I could be that big sister, I don't have a big sister, but if I could be the big sister to help someone else, just give you the tools to say, Hey girl, if and when you're ready.
00:50:29
Speaker
Here's what I can offer you when you got this. And all it is is just being able to activate the tools that you now have in your toolbox. But I sure as shit didn't have that I had to suffer to get, you know?
00:50:41
Speaker
That you had to go through a major, major grief moment. And it was coming out of the grief. Yes, it awakened the susceptibility to these tools that you probably had. That's the thing, a lot of these things you had, you just had to be able to awaken them. Yeah, you just had to awaken them. That's all it is.
00:51:09
Speaker
It's like cleaning out your closet. You can't make space for something new until you get rid of this stuff that doesn't work for you anymore. Yes, yes. You don't wear that anymore. Why are you keeping that? It doesn't fit. It's got stains. Throw it out. Get rid of it. Give it away. It's not yours. Make space. So I think it wasn't until grief forced me to make some serious space in my life so that I could start filling up my closet with new cool shit.
00:51:34
Speaker
some awesome and now relationships wise and so forth to like has your circle changed a little bit the friendships family all the dynamics how have they changed since you've kind of shifted or basically awakened every real Angela everything because like you just said you can't imagine
00:51:54
Speaker
That person that I said that I was like angry, reactive, like negative.
Supportive Community and Connection
00:51:58
Speaker
I mean, you don't attract what you want. You attract what you are. So that was my circle. So as I continue to grow, that didn't serve me anymore. I didn't want to be in that space. I didn't like those people. I didn't like that feeling. I didn't like.
00:52:14
Speaker
It was, it was toxic and, and, and I just didn't want that anymore from my life. So I spent like a year kind of getting rid of some people and, and shifting and moving. And now the people that I have in my life are like a whole new ball game of folks, you know, up leveling up. Yeah. They're also been through something.
00:52:40
Speaker
You know, I have friends who've had some really gritty situations in their life, not necessarily loss, but just some really trying situations that have allowed them the space for real, honest empathy. Cause that is a non-negotiable because I think when you're going through grief, that is the one thing that you definitely need. And until you've gone through a situation that requires you to need empathy and therefore give empathy, you can only meet people as far as you've met yourself.
00:53:11
Speaker
So if you haven't gone through anything to really need that, that empathy, then there's no way that you can give to me on the level that I need and that I'm able to give to you. So my circle has definitely shifted and the roots are deep. The roots are deep.
00:53:27
Speaker
It's small. And it's such a short period of time. That's just the beginning of what it's going to continue to go. Because it's only been in the last three years, right? That you've started to make these changes. Well, it's been almost five years since your father's passing. But in terms of really making all those shifts, three to four years or so that you've been making these changes, imagine what is to come still. Imagine what is to come. I can't wait. Because as you start clearing those energies,
00:53:56
Speaker
Yeah. That's so exciting. I can't wait. Well, it's awesome. It is so amazing. It's amazing to be able to have that hope. It's so early on, even still after his death, that you can already feel grateful for the life you have now and for the life you had too. Because had you not gone through that, you would not be who you are. This was the greatest gift.
00:54:23
Speaker
I mean, my father was not very good at giving gifts. Let me, I'll just tell you this story real quick. My father, God bless him, he had, every year I was like, why does he buy me like the ugliest shit, like golf stuff? I'm like, dad, like, I don't please, you know, it would be like a golf, like a paperweight, like a golf shirt. He's like, that's a nice shirt, it's Tiger Woods. I was like, dad, I don't care. Like, I don't want this. Thank you, but I don't want this. Come to find out,
00:54:53
Speaker
My dad like didn't go to the mall. I don't think my dad even knew what Amazon was like Fred Flintstone like he didn't know my frickin father bought all of your Christmas presents and all of your birthday presents at the pro shop at the golf course. That's where he shop like
00:55:16
Speaker
Because that's where he lived. So that was the only store he'd go through. And if he lived in those clothes, he figured others could live in those clothes as well or have a paperweight that was a golf club or golf ball even if they didn't play golf. Yeah.
00:55:31
Speaker
Like the year that he bought me the Christmas presents, obviously, before he passed away and my stepmom gave them to me and they're in like the Cranwell, like pro shop bag. And that's when it dawned on me. I was like, he has been buying me stuff from the pro shop my whole life. But like I was saying, so he wasn't necessarily like the best physical gift giver, but I will say that this is the best gift
00:56:01
Speaker
that my father has ever given to me. I think it's the most precious gift that a father can give his daughter is to teach her how to live. Because I wasn't living. He taught me how to live.
00:56:16
Speaker
Do you feel him? Do you feel his in the things you do? Do you feel you know how you were saying like you were kind of feeling those taps in your life. You felt several times in your life like a tap like you should have kind of gotten out of certain situations like for example when you were working and doing something that was not your soul's calling. Do you feel those comforting kind of little taps and little messages or things through your life now?
00:56:44
Speaker
I don't think they're very fleeting. I think it's just a, like, it's very consistent. Like I'm him. I didn't notice it as much when he was here, when he was alive. Like I didn't look at my dad and say, Oh my God, I look just like you. I didn't see it, but I look in the mirror now and I'm him. I have his eyes. I have his face like I'm him.
00:57:11
Speaker
I do his mannerisms. Again, I didn't pick up on these things while he was here, but I'm Nikki Gentile's daughter. He's me. We're the DNA. This is the energy. He doesn't send me messages. He lives in me. He lives through me.
00:57:29
Speaker
You know, so I don't feel like I get these like signs every day. I just know that he's me on him. Yes. Like you just feel, you feel that connection always. It doesn't have, it doesn't have to be just picking up a phone and calling him like it was before. It's just that constant knowing that you just are carrying this energy with you all the time. Yes. I completely can relate to that, that you're just, yeah.
00:57:55
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, look, I would love to have more dreams. I would love to have like, I've had one dream, you know what I mean? Where I felt like my dad was there. I would love to have those. And I also think like, this is a pretty magical place to be too. He's here. He's me. He's in me. You know?
00:58:15
Speaker
Oh, so beautiful. Thank you so much. And for honoring Nikki Gentile as well by sharing their story, his story through you. And for all the things that you are doing now of paying it forward and making everybody else's life a little bit better just because of the things that have been birthed through this, you know, all the things that have been birthed through
00:58:41
Speaker
the ashes that you were saying at the beginning, standing in the ashes of what your life was once and then shifting completely. And you are brave. You are brave. And the fact that you chose to leave your job, the fact that you chose to pivot and pivot and pivot and keeping on stretching into what your potential is. And I think we have yet to really see what it fully is yet. And you're just beginning. You're just beginning.
00:59:08
Speaker
I don't know if you saw my Instagram post today, but I have all my manifestations on post-its, on my wall. And I am meeting Oprah. I have written it down, what I'm wearing, what she's wearing, what we're talking about. That's happening. It's already in motion. It is already on its way to me. I know it.
00:59:31
Speaker
That is so awesome. I'm going to have to look at it. I dreamt of Oprah at one time. I dreamt of Oprah. And I was like, oh, and it was so, I was actually so comfortable in her presence in my dream. It was not like starstruck. I was really comfortable. It was that when I woke up, I just felt like, oh, I just hung out with Oprah in my dream. And I actually- That's what I mean, like, hey, girlfriend, like sitting down at your kitchen table having a coffee, you know? That's what it is.
00:59:57
Speaker
Yeah. Like if we're just going to kick it, like maybe Michelle Obama will be there. I don't know. I don't know. Just hang it out. Just hang it out. Yeah. They're doing your, they're taking your class girl. They're taking your class. They're probably taking your sweat remix class. Who knows? I bet Michelle will do, she'll do a little playlist. You know, she does the Spotify playlist. I think some, I think there's some Spotify. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:00:25
Speaker
Yeah, she'll probably have her own like, you know, she has her work. Yeah, she'll do her sweat remix playlist of what songs she listens to while she's doing her sweat remix. Michelle Obama. I will gladly use your playlist that class. So just come through. Okay, thanks. Perfect. We're manifesting even more. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you having me on here and continuing to open the door and to
01:00:52
Speaker
hold space in this platform for us to share stories about loss and moving through it and finding our purpose. I'm so appreciative and so grateful to have met you and to connect with you and for you to do this for me, for my dad, and for every other grieving human on this planet. So thank you so much.
01:01:11
Speaker
at least whichever other grieving human that ends up listening to the podcast, whichever other grieving human that listens to the podcast. I know that they'll get a lot of knowledge from what you just shared. You don't have to go through necessarily something as hard as you did in order to really be in tune with who
01:01:34
Speaker
you are, right? It's just a matter of hearing those taps and like, on the shoulder. Yeah, that was yours. Yeah. And the others, they will kind of be like, Oh my gosh. Yeah, I felt those taps. I felt those taps and I have not listened. So just just listen. That's really, really the the aha kind of moment as a pro at a my aha moment. And be brave and you went jump. That's it.
01:02:00
Speaker
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
01:02:28
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
01:02:57
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.