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One-on-one Time with Kids {Episode #32}
115 Plays5 years ago
"How do spend one-on-one time with each child?" is the question we get asked most often as moms of large families. The answer may surprise you!
In this episode, Bonnie and Audrey explore the construct of quality time with kids: what that looks like, how much to spend and the difference between society's expectations and our own.
Recommendations:
The Social Styles Handbook
The 5 Love Languages of Children
The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction by Bonnie and Audrey
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're homeschooling moms to a combined total of 18 children. We know firsthand that motherhood is full of crazy chaos and overwhelming obligations, but it should also be full of love and laughter. Regardless of where you are on your journey, come join us as we work together to find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
How to Spend One-on-One Time with Each Child
00:00:31
Speaker
Hello, and welcome back to the podcast. Today is episode number 32, and we're going to talk a little bit about having one-on-one time with our kids. We have had this brought up in numerous social media conversations and messages, people wondering how we find the time to spend one-on-one time with our kids, so we're going to address that today. But we will start off with a review and a crazy mom moment. I'm going to read a review for you guys. This was left on iTunes from user T-A-J-2-4-3.
00:01:01
Speaker
She says, I have gone on a bit of a binge listen to this podcast. Even as a new mom of a nine month old baby girl, I find I'm able to take away nuggets of truth, advice, and ideas from each episode. They are so refreshing and easy to listen to. So we appreciate that so much. Thank you so much for that review. It was lovely. Yeah, I love that. I love that review. In my mind, okay, so this totally could be me, but in my mind, I imagine that was someone in England that left that review and I totally read that one in my mind with an English accent.
00:01:29
Speaker
I'd like to hear that. Maybe later. My English accent is pretty rotten, I was going to say that.
Listener's Chaotic Parenting Story
00:01:38
Speaker
We have a crazy mom moment from one of our dear followers on Instagram, Pitt with Belle. She says, as a mom, I never thought I'd have to say, why is there poop in my dishwasher? And I never thought I'd have to clean up poop from my dishwasher.
00:01:59
Speaker
What? My one-year-old has a habit of putting his hand on his back and then tugging into his diaper. He'd walk around like that all day. I have to be uber careful about when he goes number two because he'll dip into it. He'll come up to me holding his hand out saying, ew, this one time he dipped and kept playing on the dishwasher instead of letting me know.
00:02:24
Speaker
Oh, that is so super gross. Hey, but bonus is once you run it, it's sanitized, right? Yeah, exactly. It's a dishwasher. Just shut the door and run it again. Right. Sometimes I wish my washing machine had a sanitizing option. Let's be honest. I wish my entire house had a sanitizing option. Amen. Sometimes it's like, can we just turn it onto high heat in this room and just burn whatever's in here? Oh, that's so horrible. I'm so sorry.
00:02:52
Speaker
But thanks for the laugh. Yes, but thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing. You are not the only one who has found poop in a very unfortunate location. I can, yeah, all the places.
Significance of Quality Time with Children
00:03:04
Speaker
Okay, so how do you spend one-on-one time with your kids? This is probably the most common question we get asked as moms of large families. How do we make time for each child individually?
00:03:15
Speaker
That's right. And right up front, I will admit that it can be difficult no matter how many kids you have, even if you have just one, especially if you have something else on your plate like homeschooling or a career or community service, whatever. Anytime that you don't have 24 hours in a day to dedicate to your kids, it can be hard to spend one-on-one time with them.
00:03:35
Speaker
Yeah. And the why is that it really is a good solution to spend quality time with your kids to resolve so many of the things that they struggle with, misbehavior, loneliness, self-worth issues. Look at it like this. We have an opportunity to influence the way they feel about their childhood when they're an adult looking back. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. I like that a lot. And you've heard the quote, children won't remember what you say. They will only remember how you made them feel.
00:04:05
Speaker
what we do and how often we do it is not as important as the fact that it's just a positive experience spending time with you, right? Yes. I feel like if our kids know they're important to us, then they will go out into the world feeling more confident and prepared to face what the outside world has, right? We've talked before about the fact that moms are this special, safe place for their kids. And if they feel like they're a priority in our lives, then really nothing can knock them down, right? And I think that nothing really tells our kids
00:04:34
Speaker
that they're important quite as quickly or efficiently as really connecting with them. One thought that came to me as I was thinking about this was, let's say you have a friend that you really, really love. Maybe she's even a roommate. You spend a lot of casual time together, but she never makes time for you
00:04:53
Speaker
to actually connect, you know, you just pass all the time in the hallway or whatever, you'd start to think that that friend doesn't really value you anymore. You think, hey, let's sit down and watch a movie. Nope, too busy. Hey, want to read a book with me? No. You know what I mean? If we are constantly putting off time with our children for some other need, they're going to start thinking that they're not important to us. Yeah. You'd think that she was avoiding you. Yeah, right. So in episode 14, that was our Q&A episode. I kind of offered a different perspective on one-on-one time.
00:05:23
Speaker
And I kind of said that I didn't make an effort to spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every day. And you can go back and listen to that episode for more insight on that. But when I was preparing for this episode, I actually sat down with my four oldest kids individually. Ha, took one-on-one time with them. And I asked him, okay, so guys, do you feel like your parents' mom, dad, whoever didn't spend enough one-on-one time with you when you were younger?
00:05:52
Speaker
And, um, so my four oldest are, I have two girls and two boys and they all have very different personalities. The two girls are radically different personality and the two boys are radically different in personality. So I asked him, um, that the question, you know, like, do you wish your parents would have spent more one-on-one time with you? And they all gave me similar answers. Now, if we needed to talk to you about something, we just came to talk to you, or if we, um,
00:06:16
Speaker
wanted to spend time with you, we came and spent time with you. And my cheeky 14 year old boy said, you guys aren't the kind of parents that are fun that I want to spend one-on-one time with you doing something fun. You're too boring of a hangout with my sibling instead. I was like, okay, thanks. I kind of expected that out of you, but it did let me know that like, you know, it wasn't afraid to just tell me straight up that that wasn't something that he felt like he was lacking.
00:06:47
Speaker
Yeah, he's a cute kid. I will interject here that this past week was when Audrey and I got to meet up in real life and somebody got to actually meet each other's kids and spouses and it was really, really fun and put names and faces all together. But yeah, he's a cute kid. I wish our 14-year-old boys would have had more time to spend together because I think it's a little bit... They would have needed a little more than just a couple of hours, but they'd have been good friends too by the end of that time.
00:07:11
Speaker
Agreed, but that's that kind of age where it takes a little bit of figuring out before they can just be best buds, not like the five-year-olds that are like, want to play? Sure, let's play. And the two-year-olds holding hands and not crying when they had to leave. Yeah, and you know, along these same lines, I really feel like
00:07:27
Speaker
This is totally a matter of personality, both of the child's and the adult's too. So I will just say that, you know, we've talked before about how, but I'm not really a fun mom, right? I don't sit around thinking, what can we play together? I'm more of a get things done kind of mom. So because of that, I have been a little more active in trying to find time to spend with my kids because I feel like if I don't, then I'm kind of more neglectful. I'll just focus on the house all day long.
00:07:51
Speaker
So I just bring that up to say that you might just be a lot more present of a person, whoever's listening, or of a mom than I am. And this might not be something that you need to actively think, oh, I haven't spent one-on-one time. We're not here to tell you, there's one more thing you got to put on your list, but just that kids do
Adapting Parenting Styles to Children's Personalities
00:08:08
Speaker
need
00:08:08
Speaker
you know, this interaction at some point during your day. And if it's not coming naturally, like it doesn't to me, then that might be something you schedule in. But we're going to talk more in a little bit about how to do that very quickly and get the most bang for your minute, basically.
00:08:22
Speaker
Right. Right. So in our family, we value family time more than alone time. So, um, I mean, one-on-one time. So like as a whole family, we'll go and do things together. And thinking back on my own childhood, that is the, uh, the times that I value most, you know, when our whole family drove up the mountain and camped in a tent overnight together and round a campfire and, you know, just chatting and being together as family. So that's something we're doing in our,
00:08:50
Speaker
family as well. And I think as moms, using our mother's intuition, which we have talked about in episode 27, we know when a child needs more time and when they need extra time with mom. And so we'll spend time with them. And then another thing I wanted to say is that in a big family,
00:09:10
Speaker
Um, my kids spend a lot of one-on-one time with one of their siblings or with a couple of siblings and they, they're getting, you know, they're chatting, hanging out with big brother and talking to him, or they're hanging out with little sister and talking to them and you know, that kind of.
00:09:25
Speaker
that kind of thing so there it's it's interaction and the last thing i wanted to say is that i don't think that dads struggle with this like moms do so maybe our episode on mom guilt is appropriate here but dads don't i don't think come home and say oh okay now i've got you know this many hours before bedtime and i need to make sure i spend time with each of these kids and i i just don't think that's a thing for dads
00:09:48
Speaker
I think they enjoy their families. I think they love their families, but I don't think this is something that, I don't know, society or whatever presses on them that they need to spend one-on-one time with each of their kids. So the last thing I wanted to say and the thing I'm going to kind of focus on in this episode is making time with each kid count in the way that they need to be interacted with so that it's quality time for them according to their own needs.
00:10:15
Speaker
Yeah, I don't think that maybe one on one is exactly the thing we need to focus on as much as, like you said, the quality time with kids. And you were mentioning before we went live that this importance of having one on one time with kids all the time is kind of a new construct. I really don't believe that the pioneers were like,
00:10:34
Speaker
Oh, I got to get the laundry done at the creek today, but I haven't sat down and played checkers with Johnny. They just were okay. But then again, they had fewer distractions too. So I think that, like you say, using that mom radar, that mom intuition to check in with kids and make sure that they're doing okay. And that if they do need more time with you, that you carve that out. Yes.
00:10:55
Speaker
So that's the basic why of this topic. And now we're gonna talk just a little bit about the how. So, you know, your day might be full and you're thinking, well, I don't really have time to connect with each kid every time. I remember doing an online parenting course several years ago. And one of the first lessons said, you need to be having one-on-one time with your kids and it needs to happen twice a day with each kid. And I just cried.
00:11:21
Speaker
I was like, well, I think at the time I had six kids and like, well, that's not going to happen. Even if it's only 15 minutes a kid, I'm like, uh-huh, 15 minutes times six times two. Yeah, I don't have that kind of time. And so I thought I was a horrible parent, but I don't think that's definitely not the purpose of this episode. Instead, I'm trying now in my life to make
00:11:43
Speaker
time with my kids a priority, but without guilt tripping or time constraints or you know what I'm saying? Just
Tips for Scheduling One-on-One Time
00:11:49
Speaker
deciding that it's important and maybe scheduling it if I see that a kid really needs it. We do have that whole episode on time management. That's episode 16. So if you just feel like your day's really full, but you would like to have more one-on-one time or even small group time with your kids, you can check that out. But I do try to schedule little things here and there with the kids that I think need it.
00:12:11
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. One thing I have learned about making the time I spend with my kids count, and I've learned this from my older children, is that I have different personality types than quite a few of my kids. So I can't interact with some of my children on a way that is comfortable or comes natural to my personality.
00:12:35
Speaker
I have to tailor my parenting style to the kid that I'm interacting with so that it means something to them and it makes a difference for them. If you're familiar with the personality types, you know that there's four areas, introvert or extrovert, and then sensing or intuition, thinking and feeling, and then the last letter, there's four letters, the last letter is judging or perceiving. For example, if I'm interacting with a kid who is
00:13:04
Speaker
more on the thinking side and I'm more on the feeling side, for example, then they're going to be totally in head space and I'm going to be totally in heart space and we're just not going to be able to connect. Very good. Does that make sense? Yeah. And then there is five basic traits that go with
00:13:24
Speaker
the person along with the personality types, their introversion or extroversion, neuroticism, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. And like there's hundreds of websites and you can Google this stuff. But let's say I'm interacting with a kid who's
00:13:39
Speaker
high in disagreeability and I am high in agreeability, then I'm going to look at this kid and be like, they're just disagreeing with me to disagree. And that's true. They are just disagreeing with me to disagree. And because I'm such an agreeable person, that annoys me and I don't understand that and I don't know how to interact with that very well.
00:13:59
Speaker
But when I realize that that's their personality type and that's what they're doing and that's who they are, then I can kind of play along with that or go along with that and make it
00:14:12
Speaker
make the interaction more relevant to them and who they are and what they're doing. And one of my children who is high in disagreeability has told me, mom, after the fact, mom, I know you're right. I'm just disagreeing with you because that's what I have to do. So I find if I spend a lot of time in self-examination and then also
00:14:36
Speaker
examining my child and trying to figure out where they are. Let's say personality types don't really appeal to you. There's so many other ways of looking at kids and dissecting them. There's the Enneagram test. I think we were talking on our episode with Rachel about that. Or there's Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies framework. Just pick one and try to dissect your kid a little bit and figure out
00:14:59
Speaker
where they are and what will be meaningful to them. And I have found that to really have helped me in my relationships with my kids is try to figure out who I am and where I am and then try to figure out who they are and where they are and then try to interact accordingly.
00:15:17
Speaker
Yeah, where they're coming from. Ooh, yeah. This stuff is so good. We need an entire episode just about personality types and connecting with the kid the way they work because I am still learning so much and I have so much more research to do. But I've had so many breakthroughs come from really trying to figure out how my kid works and their framework.
00:15:37
Speaker
I'll give one little example. My oldest child is a boy and when he was like three or four, he was just always really violent and not like mean violent, but he would just, anytime he came up to me, it was to headbutt me or to kick me or to flick me or to hang on me.
00:15:53
Speaker
And I used to get so irritated just like, and I'm not a, like I love hugs, but other than that, don't touch me, you know? And it just drove me so crazy. And so every time you do it, I turn around and snap at it. Why are you kicking me? Why are you pushing me? Why are you? And he just kind of giggle and run away. And I'm thinking, not even mad. What's the deal? Until I read the five love language of children.
00:16:16
Speaker
and realized, oh, my kids love language is touch. And he's a boy. So touch is not hugging and kissing. Touching is head butting me. He wants to connect. He zips and head butts me. And it was just this huge light bulb moment for me. And then I was able to more calmly react. He'd come up and headbutt me. I'd turn around and go, you little stinker and give him a hug or whatever. Chase him around and connect instead of it just being this source of irritation all the time.
00:16:47
Speaker
Okay, so I personally when it comes to the how of connecting with my kids I like to have a systematic way of doing this just so I cover all my bases because I have so many kids it's easy for me to You know for one to maybe have some issues and kind of slip through the cracks that I'm not noticing that he needs me
00:17:02
Speaker
So one thing that we do in our house, I may have mentioned this in a previous episode, is each day of the week belongs to a child. So Monday is my oldest, Tuesday is my second kids. And what that means is just whoever's day it is, it's the person that prays over the food and the person that gets to sit in the front seat and the one that gets all the little privileges that everybody fights over.
00:17:23
Speaker
Yes. So I've also decided that when I need to run an errand or do anything, I check with the person whose day it is and see if they want to come on. Hey, it's your day. Do you want to run to Walmart with me? Hey, it's your day. Do you want to help me with dinner? So just little opportunities here and there, and it's usually nothing big. We're not going up for ice cream. It's just them to be by my side doing something together.
00:17:45
Speaker
Um, and that has worked out really, really well for us. They get, you know, especially little kids just love being with mom, no matter what you're doing. And it's a good time to just connect with them and check in. And then finally, I will say that if it's been a crazy day and I haven't really checked in with anybody,
00:18:02
Speaker
Bedtime is always a great time for this too. So usually my husband and I split up, tucking kids in. But if there's a kid that I haven't really connected with that day, I'll make it a point to make sure that he's on my rounds. And I go in there and sit down and sing a song to him and talk to him about his day, ask him if anything's bothering him. And that tends to be a time when they're really kind of tender and willing to open up.
00:18:21
Speaker
Yeah. That's awesome. Uh, I love your kid of the day thing, except you have nine.
Dedicated Weekdays for Each Child
00:18:27
Speaker
So I know, I know. So recently we have talked to my big kid. I'm like, cause so the youngest two don't really know about it yet. But as Alice gets older, I'm going to ask Liam if she can have his day and then a home.
00:18:41
Speaker
He's kind of outgrowing it. He doesn't really care if he sits in the special seat or whatever. Yeah, that's exactly how it goes at our house. So for the baby and toddler, I definitely spend one on time with them every day. Put them down for their naps and the baby. He's just nursing all the time, so he gets mom's attention all the time.
00:19:00
Speaker
Um, for the five to eight year old set, um, it usually one-on-one time usually comes with their schoolwork. So, you know, they sit on my lap while they're doing their reading or, you know, they get extra help from me for math time or whatever. And then, um, maybe 10 to teenager, they get to help in town trips to town as a helper because.
00:19:19
Speaker
It doesn't really help me if the five-year-old goes to town with me. I have to still buckle and unbuckle them. Yeah, that kind of thing. And then that gives them an opportunity to discuss more mature topics. But I also, with my oldest ones,
00:19:34
Speaker
my teenagers, like if I go to them and say, okay, it's, you know, one on one time for you, they're being like, mom, you're a creep, get out of here. Or think they're in trouble, you know, find it kind of awkward or something. So when they get older, you kind of interact with them in different ways and on different levels.
00:19:52
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. I meant to mention this in the part about personalities, too. So I have one daughter who is very much outgoing and very much loves to play and have a good time. So she had been begging me forever to play a board game with her. And so I finally said, all right, we'll do some little one-on-one connecting time. I'll play whatever board game you want. So we did. And then I thought, oh, you know, I haven't talked to my older son one-on-one for a while. Maybe he wants to play a little board game. So I went and talked to him. And he looked at me like I was crazy about playing a game with you. I was like, oh, sad. You're past that.
00:20:21
Speaker
But yeah, that's the neat thing about older kids as they get older is they become more mature and so you can have more of a little friend connection with them, like talk about some local news story or something that's happening with a friend of yours. Oh, did you hear that so-and-so is traveling here? Isn't that cool? Or, you know, some maybe more mature topics that you might not bring up with your seven or your eight-year-old and can connect that way. That's been one of the really, really awesome benefits of having a teenager. I've loved that.
00:20:47
Speaker
Yeah, we definitely spend around the table time is like not one on one time, but our four teenagers always stay at the table and we chat like, you know, after supper's done for like up to an hour and the little ones they wander off and play and they're not interested in that. But the conversations are getting so good with the old kids. Yeah, it's so fun. It's so fun.
00:21:05
Speaker
Yeah, and then I will say that if I do feel like a kid needs that special time, I will try to set aside 10 or 15 minutes to connect with them. And then I will let them choose what to do. Like I said, my one daughter needs that so much more than everybody else, just her personality. And so I'll say, you know, you've been asking me to do things with you. What would you like to do? We got 15 minutes. Let's play cards. Let's draw. Let's, you know, whatever. We'll talk about some more ideas here in a minute.
00:21:29
Speaker
My only requirement is that it's not screen time. We can't just sit and watch a movie together. That's not really connecting. Although it's fun, but. Yeah.
00:21:36
Speaker
Okay. So it is important for them to feel like they are important enough for you to take time out of your busy schedule just to spend time with them. And then it also makes a difference if you've bothered to figure out the facets of their personality enough to interact with them in a way that's meaningful for them. It took me so long with some of my kids that have a personality that's different from me to figure out the right way to interact with them. But since I have,
00:22:02
Speaker
tried to take time and effort to figure out who they are and what it means to them. It does make our interactions more meaningful. Yeah, for sure.
00:22:12
Speaker
That's interesting that you say that it's taking you longer for some kids than others. That's good to know because there are some that I still haven't quite figured out. I love teaching my kids about that too. Look at how so-and-so interacts with everybody. Can you tell that his personality is a little bit like this? It helps everyone understand each other a little bit better and have a little bit more patience for when people do things in a way that you might not normally do them.
00:22:34
Speaker
Oh, yeah, definitely. You know, this whole personality study has come about because my oldest daughter really, really got into it. Like she can, she's so good at it. She can kind of spend five minutes with somebody and know their personality type because she's, you know, she's typed them in her mind.
00:22:50
Speaker
put in them in the four categories. And then she knows how to interact with them and what their likes and dislikes are. Even what kind of jobs or careers they are good at or might be interested in, that kind of thing. Yeah. So she spent a lot of time educating the rest of us on personality types and about
00:23:06
Speaker
people and that kind of thing. It's really cool. She needs to be like a college counselor or something or a psychologist. I don't know. One thing that is a meaningful way for me to interact with some of my kids is like I'm really interested in sewing and I love in our
00:23:24
Speaker
episode with Janssen, how she talked about getting your kids involved in stuff that you are interested in and that light you up and set you on fire. I think, you know, those were along her lines, the words that she used, but like your kids see you get excited about stuff and then they can get excited about it. Like if you're playing, I think her example was she doesn't really care about My Little Ponies, you know, so that doesn't, if she sat down and played that with her kids, that wouldn't
00:23:49
Speaker
She couldn't interact or relate to them very well on that level because she doesn't really care about that. But reading with her kids is really awesome because she loves that. So sewing is kind of my thing. And I have two daughters that just love to sew and are learning to sew.
00:24:05
Speaker
So, what do my daughters see? My 10-year-old is right next to me when I'm learning how to sew, and she wants to learn how to sew some things too, and that's a good way to interact and connect with her. Or I have, you know, my five-year-old, he plays nearby when I'm sewing or working on my computer.
00:24:21
Speaker
He's the kind of kid and he needs a little extra touch or mommy time. He crawls into my bed at night. And I just, sometimes I take him back into his own bed, but sometimes I'm like, well, you know what? He just needs this today. So I let him stay. Yeah, that's interesting. There's nothing quite as fun as being able to do one of your favorite hobbies with one of your kids. I think it's just so great. Especially, you know, that can be hard to envision if all your kids are really, really little.
00:24:49
Speaker
But as they get older or if you can find like, you know, simpler versions of what you love, you know, maybe like I remember teaching my kids cross stitching at a pretty young age because that they could handle more than the sewing machine and they could sit and do something like that with me that was really similar to what I love to do. And that was really fun to connect with them over that.
Quality Over Quantity in Parenting
00:25:07
Speaker
Um, and then we're going to move on a little bit to talking about how much quality time or one-on-one time we should have with our kids. And you've probably been able to tell from this conversation that we don't really have a set time. Um, but I think that ideally we would connect multiple times with each kid every day that would look different for everybody. You know, that could look like, like we're saying, um, talking to them about a school assignment that they're working on or just tucking them in at night. Um,
00:25:35
Speaker
But setting aside specific time for each child, multiple times a day is a little bit impossible unless you're just naturally living life. So another example of just finding ways throughout your day to connect rather than, oh my gosh, we didn't have our one-on-one time. I'm a bad mom kind of thing. Yeah, definitely recommend quality over quantity time. If you're spending 15 minutes with them, but you're
00:25:59
Speaker
You know, your device is right there and your mind is wandering and you're waiting to check your email when you're done. It's just, you know, they can tell. Kids are truth detectors. They're going to tell that. And then like I've been talking about, discover their interests and likes and ideas and thoughts and personalities. Some of my kids have interests in things that I have absolutely no interest in.
00:26:23
Speaker
I have to take time to stop my mind thinking about what it's thinking about and focus in on what they're saying, even though it's not a personal interest of mine. But if it's something that interests them and lights them up, then I need to get interested in it for their sake because to work on the future friendship. And then I love what you mentioned earlier about the Love Languages book because that really has helped me with some of my kids too.
00:26:51
Speaker
One of my kids is definitely not touch. Touch is not their love language. And so ever since this child was a baby, they would just like stiffen, you know, if you hug them and kiss on them and like push you away when you're trying to hug them. And when I learned not to take that personally, but that just cut that child just didn't want to be touched. And there was a different way of connecting with that child. That was really meaningful to them that our relationship improved as well.
00:27:19
Speaker
Yeah, that's so valuable for sure. I think that when we are making an effort to have this regular one-on-one time or quality time, whatever you want to call it with your kids, this regular connecting, it can go a long way in preventing tantrums and misbehavior from even starting because the kids feel loved and they feel hard. We even do a little bit of this as adults. If there's someone in our life that we don't feel really connected with, sometimes we can
00:27:48
Speaker
I don't know, be a little wild or goofy or something around them like, hey, let's interact. You're trying to elicit a response kind of thing. And kids do that, but to the nth degree. Oh, mom's not paying attention. Well, I'm going to jump on the table, and then I'm going to jump all the cat food out. And then I'm going to do this and this. And so when we remember that, that it's a cry for love and attention and this feeling of belonging, we can calmly react to those things and think, oh, this kid needs a little bit of extra attention. Or perhaps just needs earlier bedtime. I don't know. It depends.
00:28:20
Speaker
And that can be a great time to reconnect and give that child, you know, whatever attention he or she needs. Although I will say that it can be tricky to differentiate spending quality time with them from rewarding the bad behavior, right? So we talked about this in the episode on tantrums. We don't want to give them a privilege like, Oh, Johnny needs more attention. Why do I always say Johnny? Neither of us has a Johnny.
00:28:44
Speaker
Little Johnny needs more attention because he just smeared peanut butter all over the walls. I'm going to go get him some ice cream. Little Johnny's going to be like, sweet. I want ice cream. I want to smell your peanut butter on the wall. No, the point is to address that situation. Oh, we don't do that, honey. Let's clean it up together. And then side note in your brain, I think Little Johnny needs some constructive playtime with mom or a sibling outside so he doesn't get into trouble. So anyway, hopefully that makes sense.
00:29:12
Speaker
Yes, absolutely.
Avoiding Labels: Understanding Communication Styles
00:29:14
Speaker
And I want to put in a side note here, a word of caution about labeling. Even if you do it, I've heard some parents do it out loud and I completely am not in favor of it, but even mentally, you can label one of your kids good or bad. And that can affect people for life. Like if you're labeled as the bad kid and you grow up, that kind of affects you.
00:29:39
Speaker
for life you can be, or if you're labeled, you know, the good kid that can also change the way your, your life forever. And so, um, this is in relation to like temper tantrums and kids acting out. Um, perhaps another book that I've read is, uh, I'm currently reading is called the social styles handbook. So it's about communication styles and there's four communication styles, analytical, driver, expressive, and amiable.
00:30:08
Speaker
I totally recommend the book. We can link it in the show notes. It's all about different ways of communicating. It's not about personality types. Personality types communicate differently. This is about the four main ways that people communicate. Let's say I have a child that's expressive. They're going to fall down and have a big temper tantrum.
00:30:30
Speaker
and get it all out very noisily. Well, let's say I have a child that's analytical. They're going to sit back and assess the situation and see the best way to get what they want in this situation. Or if I have a child that's amiable, they're just going to agree with whatever I say and then maybe go do what they want anyway. There's different ways of communicating. I need to be aware that just because a child
00:30:59
Speaker
communicates differently than me, doesn't mean I have to be careful of labeling bad or good. And I think we should all be careful of that, of putting bad or good labels on our kids.
00:31:13
Speaker
Something I learned when I was doing early childhood education was that they taught us not to say, oh, you're such a good boy or you're such a good girl, but to define the action that they were saying as good or bad instead of the child as good or bad. And that's something I've tried to apply. No, I'm really glad that you brought that up because I think that is a really, really
00:31:33
Speaker
easy tendency to slip into. All of us want to define our circumstances and what's around us. It helps us make sense of the world, but when we start to define our children with positive or negative labels, it's one thing to say he's expressive or he's whatever. That's how his personality functions, but that it's a neutral label. If he's naughty or he's disruptive, et cetera,
00:31:57
Speaker
then yeah, that really can be something they hold on to for life and it can affect their own sense of self worth. So my husband is really good at balancing this out because sometimes in a big family as kids get older, they naturally start to label each other as well. My older kids are the ones that'll say, oh so and so such a naughty kid.
00:32:15
Speaker
And my husband's really good at neutralizing that. He'll say, no, no, no, no, no. He did something naughty, huh? We don't do that. But look how good he is at XYZ. And he'll start adding positive labels. So she is so loud. She is loud. She's also so adventurous. Look how fearless she is when she climbs the street, to allow people to see both the pros and the cons of other people. Because that's just, I mean, that's a skill for life. We meet people.
00:32:43
Speaker
might immediately want to say, that person is so negative all the time. And yet it's not really going to help our relationship toes think of them as the negative answer, but instead seek for both positive and the negative attributes for someone to balance it out. But I'm glad you brought that up.
00:32:58
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. We talked about that a little bit in our episode on kids and eating and about not labeling kids as being a picky eater because it's setting them up to fail. Exactly. Yeah, so along those tantrum lines, when it comes to diffusing the tantrum, I'll try to separate the child from the situation, give them the physical attention without making a reward, right? And speak calmly and lovingly. And then later on,
00:33:26
Speaker
try to readdress the fact that that kid needs more attention. Yeah. We give lots more tips on diffusing tantrums and stopping them before they start in episode 18. Something I say to my kids all the time is I have two ears, but I can only listen to one kid at a time. Just to make them aware that something I'm really careful to do is never to make my kids compete for my attention.
00:33:51
Speaker
And so when you get a situation where you got three kids yelling at you at once, really they're just doing, okay, here I go again, comparing my kids to dogs, but they're just trying to figure out who's the alpha dog and who is the most dominant one in the situation. So I'll just stop that right in the, right, nip it right in the butt and say, I've got two ears. I'm only going to listen to one kid and I choose you. You talk first and then you guys are next, but never to allow the whole competition thing to go on.
00:34:19
Speaker
That's really smart and that's something I've been struggling with lately too because I'll have three or four kids like just this morning I had a meeting and so when I came back in the house it was like, oh mama, like everybody needs one. And it can be very easy for me to just naturally turn my head to the child that's the loudest, even if I'm already talking to someone.
00:34:36
Speaker
just to make the noise stop. Yes. It's just to go, what, what do you want? And then the first kid's like, Hey, I was here first, you know? And so I've really taken that to heart and tried to do the same thing and just put a finger up and say, you know, even if I have to say, excuse me so and so, one second, I'm talking to this child when I'm done, you're next. And then I go back to that first case, because what that does is like you say,
00:34:59
Speaker
It creates competition where they just keep yelling louder to get your attention. Also, it can really hurt that first child. They had your attention first. It might make it seem like you don't think what you're talking about to them is important, or that they're not as important as the other child, or because the other child is louder, that they get a priority, all sorts of things. It's tricky, let me tell you, when everybody's screwing up. That's a valuable skill to develop.
00:35:29
Speaker
Okay, so moving on, finally, we're just going to wrap up by talking a little bit about what a quality time with kids looks like.
Activities for Quality Time with Children
00:35:36
Speaker
So we mentioned a couple of ways. I personally, like I said, if I'm looking specifically to spend more time with a child who needs it, I will ask them what they want to do. Like I said before, somebody might want to play a board game and somebody might think that they'd rather, you know,
00:35:50
Speaker
Go mow the lawn. But some ideas that my kids have chosen are jumping on the trampoline together, specifically alone with no other kids. They love that. Reading a book together, playing with toys in the room, coloring or drawing, walking the dog, board games, puzzles, building toys, really anything. But again, these are the times when I have the time to sit down and do something with them. Most of the time, our quality time just looks like getting basic tasks done.
00:36:16
Speaker
with that child by my side and being able to talk to me. Last thing about this, if you do choose to do a one-on-one time activity with this child and there are other kids that want to be involved, it can be tricky but important to differentiate the fact that this is Juliet's time and not your time. In 10 minutes, I will come and have time with you and just keep that time precious for that child who asked for it.
00:36:40
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, yeah, so what the what looks like for us is oftentimes they're just by my side helping me. So we have gotten our chore cards back out. I know we talked about chores way back in, what was it, episode two or three, but I'll have a kitchen helper for the week and they get that chore card.
00:36:58
Speaker
or laundry helper for the week, garden helper. And so they're doing that for the week and we just do it together. So we naturally are spending lots of time together working and doing something productive. And then also, I know we've talked about this a lot before, but we're not in this parenting thing alone. So special time with dads helps the kids too, because it's in a different and a unique way. And personally in our relationship, my husband and I have
00:37:26
Speaker
different personalities and so he can connect with kids that I have trouble connecting with better and in a more meaningful way than I can. And then, you know, I can connect with some kids better than he can just because of the way our personalities and communication styles and all this stuff we've been talking about. So, you know, sometimes I'm having a really hard time or I can tell a kid is having a really hard time and I'll just kind of
00:37:51
Speaker
pass that responsibility off to my husband for a day or a couple days or a week. Hey, so and so is really struggling. Can you kind of take them under your wing this week? And that helps. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I love it. Dads are around. It's so helpful when you can't connect with the kid or if they just need a different kind of love. I like to communicate to my kids that
00:38:16
Speaker
Well, first of all, that they're valuable of that special time if they need it. And then to the other ones that it's so-and-so's time, so this goes right along with talking one-on-one with the child, like, hey, I'm going to go spend time with this kid and it's their turn. And sometimes there can be jealousy and frustration, but if they know that they're equally valued and they'll get time too, then usually they're okay. I have heard of some people coming up with special terms for that special time. So like, you know, whatever, quality time with mom, I don't know, I'm sure you can come up with something more.
00:38:45
Speaker
Exciting than that. And sometimes if I'm trying to do this and everybody's kind of banging down the door and they want to turn, we'll set a timer. I'll say, hey, I'm going to play a game for 10 minutes with Juliet or I'm going to talk with her for just a few minutes, five minutes. And then I get to come talk with you and it's just going to be all your turn. And they love that. Oh, I get one-on-one time for whatever reason to show me a Lego set or something.
00:39:08
Speaker
Yeah. And I will say that because I'm not naturally a fun mom, as soon as I get on the floor to play with somebody, everybody gets so excited. So that can help kind of like, you know, keep them from bombarding me. Oh, I'm just playing with this kid. I'll come to you next. Yeah, absolutely.
00:39:23
Speaker
I was doing yoga the other morning and my two-year-old came and she was doing like, you know, I'm doing down dog and she's doing down dog right underneath me. And it's like, okay, whatever. It's so cute. And she just spent time with me doing what I'm doing. And then because we have a large family and because we have older kids, I often see my kids choosing to spend time, special time with each other. So my daughters, two oldest teenage daughters will go shopping together.
00:39:50
Speaker
You know do something or my two oldest kids have gone on several trips road trips together and they just kind of hang out and do that together and or my boys will go They went to a demolition derby together last year and you're just spending time with each other and and I think that can fill them up fill up their cups too because again, you know, okay, so dad and I have different personalities but each of them have personalities and they find
00:40:14
Speaker
ways to communicate and connect with each other too. And I kind of try to keep in mind and see it as all of us as future adults someday and how we'll be interacting and connecting with each other in the future and try to keep that in mind too.
00:40:30
Speaker
Yeah, I love that your kids are turning into such good friends. And we have to think that when our kids become 20-year-olds, 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, we're probably not going to be the first person they come to when they want to hang out. It's probably going to be a sibling or a friend. And so to help them develop those relationships is really, really important. And I love how you mentioned, I think, in our episode on talking to your kids about sex.
00:40:54
Speaker
that you've had kids come to you saying, hey, so-and-so needs a little talk about something because they've been the first one to figure it out because there's more communication and connectedness between siblings and maybe even between mom and a kid. And I think that's awesome. That's just what families are for.
00:41:11
Speaker
Yeah. And I noticed that when we were together, um, my oldest two wandered off and came back with coffee and ice cream and it's like they were just hanging out. I love that. I love that. So great. Yeah. Yeah. So that that's our basic episode for you guys today. I just wanted to end this by saying you are doing a great job as a mom.
00:41:28
Speaker
And if you feel like you're getting external pressure to do more with your kids, don't listen to that. You just listen to your own mom intuition and your cues from your children to know exactly what they need from you and when. There's no mom handbook that says if you're not playing my little ponies with your kid every day, you're a bad mom. You do what works best for you and your family. So thanks so much for listening, guys.
00:41:50
Speaker
Absolutely. I think because they are listening to this episode, they're on the right track. Exactly. If you care, you're already a good mom, so keep it up. Okay. We're going to have some recommendations linked in the show notes. I talked about the Social Styles Handbook, and I think we both love the five love languages of children and the five love languages of teenagers. Yeah. Oh, that Social Styles I haven't heard of. I'm going to go check that out. Thanks so much.
00:42:19
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in. If you've enjoyed this episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd leave us a written review on iTunes. If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at OutnumberThePodcast at gmail.com and find us on Instagram at OutnumberThePodcast. See you next week.
00:42:50
Speaker
nope go do some coloring you hey go play go play perler beads no that's stupid okay well figure something out to do i'll be give me a half an hour and i'll check with him nope no movie go go what one second what