Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Do Non-Monogamous People Get Jealous (1-14)
79 Plays7 months ago
Jealousy is a powerful emotion that can impact both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, often in unhealthy ways. In this episode of [Podcast Name], we dive deep into the complexities of jealousy, exploring its roots and how it manifests differently in various relationship dynamics.
We start by acknowledging that jealousy is a common experience for many, but it’s crucial to reflect on what’s triggering these feelings and to address our own insecurities before letting jealousy disrupt our relationships. Whether you're the jealous partner or on the receiving end, understanding the underlying causes can help foster healthier communication and connection.
We also tackle the sensitive topic of personal boundaries, discussing how not all boundaries are valid. Some so-called boundaries can actually be manipulative tactics used to control or abuse a partner. We offer insights into distinguishing healthy boundaries from those that are harmful, ensuring that everyone can cultivate relationships built on mutual respect and trust.
Join us for an honest and enlightening conversation on how to navigate jealousy with compassion and clarity, ensuring that your relationships are stronger and more resilient.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Topic Overview
00:00:00
funwithsexpodcast
Hi, this is Jon with the Fun with Sex podcast. And I'm Natalie. So but today we're talking about a comment trope of, ah, I would love non-monogamy, but I couldn't do it because I would just get too jealous. We were all talking about jealousy in monogamy, out of monogamy, in non-monogamy, and like how jealousy looks between two non-monogamous people because it does this exist and it's normal. Yeah. Yeah, so to start off, I guess the biggest question is do all ENM people get jealous? That's the biggest question I get from people when they hear that I'm polyamorous and open and we have multiple play partners and partners and whatnot is how do you not get jealous?
Understanding Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships
00:00:46
funwithsexpodcast
And I think the short answer is
00:00:49
funwithsexpodcast
everybody i've encountered the many people i've met in this enm space um i would say everybody gets jealous at some time or another yeah i think that there's this trope that non-monogamous people do to push back against like monogamous people's assumption is that they don't get jealous and it's the idea that like no it's okay like none all non-monogamous people don't suffer from jealousy we Like, you know how to Buddhist elevates over like emotions is like, yeah, like elevated past that we've surpassed the human emotion, of jealousy. And I've never met a none of an acrimus couple in my life that hasn't suffered from jealousy because jealousy is natural. I think that like the important thing to realize is that jealousy, like anger, like anxiety, like feeling hurt is a natural emotion that is trying to communicate something to us.
00:01:46
funwithsexpodcast
And we need to investigate what exactly is that? Is it communicating? The other thing about jealousy is that be feeling jealous or feeling hurt is not a bad emotion. It's not doing anything wrong. What's wrong is what you do afterwards.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Reactions to Jealousy
00:02:01
funwithsexpodcast
Yeah. I think that's my biggest advice that I give to new people in non-monogamy is jealousy is going to come up. Negative emotions are going to come up. I mean, that's just life. You're always going to have to face some sort of negative emotion. And it's not bad that you feel that way. And once you've got to that place of accepting that you feel that way and letting yourself feel the emotion, it's about what you do afterwards. So do you do what, you know, we see stereotypical monogamous partners do where, Oh, I'm going to go through all his Instagram followers and every single one, that's a girl I'm going to block. I'm going to message all these random girls that he's friends with and tell them to stay away. Are you going to yell at your partner? Are you going to set?
00:02:45
funwithsexpodcast
unhealthy boundaries on your partner like they can't look another girl in the eye at a sex party or are you just gonna have a healthy conversation with your partner saying hey you know I don't know what it is but it was something about seeing you two cooking together today it just kind of triggered something in me and I think that that's an important thing to like go back to what you hit on the head was there's this trope of like I'm too jealous for a non-monogamous relationship You may also be too jealous for a monogamous relationship. You may be too jealous for a healthy relationship in general. I know a lot of monogamous people who put up extreme unhealthy boundaries on their partners. Things like you can't follow certain accounts or even things like you can't post a bikini picture because it makes me jealous to see other people like your pictures.
00:03:38
funwithsexpodcast
or you can't like other people's bikini pictures. I do understand the political concerns if your boyfriend is following or your partner is following a shit ton of thirst trap profiles. I do understand that. But if it's like your friend, their friend post something that's a little revealing or like a bikini picture and you feel insecure about them but liking that, that's an issue with you. Same thing with if your partner posts something that they feel like it's hot and you see other people post it, that's an issue with you. Again, like admittedly, a lot of these issues are more for cis hat couples. yeah But I think it's important to to note that toxic jealousy exists inside monogamous relationships.
00:04:24
funwithsexpodcast
I mean, there's like monogamous relationships where they don't allow their partners to have friends of the opposite gender, not to mention how biphobic and pan-phobic that is.
Communication and Jealousy
00:04:34
funwithsexpodcast
But if you can't trust your partner to hold a ah platonic relationship with someone that they may or may not be physically attracted to, then either you have a really bad partner, you should follow find somebody else, or you severely struggle with jealousy. yeah And like people say, well, like, hey, How does non-monogamous people see their partners have sex with other people? Or how do non-monogamous people see their partner for their well the role that people not get jealous? it Because one, it comes up to the it comes down to the individual. And two, it comes to communication. And three, a lot of these people do get jealous. It's just more of them handle their jealousy in a healthy way. That's more productive. Yeah. And I think that brings us to our next point is, is jealousy always justified?
00:05:21
funwithsexpodcast
You know, I was just going through these comments today on Instagram. I'm in a really weird phase of my explore page where Instagram was like questioning if I'm a dude. I don't know how it happened. But so I was going through this Instagram post and basically it was a message exchange where the girlfriend was saying like, you need to like block this friend who's a girl. who the boyfriend is like, I'm platonic friends with. And people in the comments were debating, like there was some woman being like, yes, of course you should block her. And then there was guys in the comments just genuinely being like,
00:05:58
funwithsexpodcast
Do you not understand how much drama it would cause in the front group when you just happen to have one of your friends as a girl and then you have to block her? Like that's kind of an insane thing. And something really interesting that somebody pointed out was like, what? So what happens if I'm bi? Am I just supposed to have no friends? yeah And you know, these same concepts can be translated to non-monogamy too. Um, it's all about boundaries and consent. So for me, you know, if I was in a monogamous relationship and I see my partner kissing somebody else, you know, you can see that as a very like justified moment to feel jealous, whereas we're in an open relationship. So if I see John kissing someone else, a thought doesn't even cross my mind, you know, because that's within our boundaries and I can send it to that kind of dynamic. Um,
00:06:54
funwithsexpodcast
But I think the issue people get into is they assume every time they feel jealous, it must be justified. When in actuality, something deeper could be going on. You know, ooh, I see my partner kissing this person. Is there truly anything bad about being in a non-Nagas relationship and my partner's kissing someone?
Boundaries and Toxic Behavior
00:07:20
funwithsexpodcast
or is it that I'm feeling insecure? I have some self-esteem things I need to work on. Let me add context to that. For context, there's a lot, there's this trope in a lot of non-monogamous relationships where they don't allow their partner to kiss other people, even if they're allowed to have sex because they feel the kissing is too intimate. So that's why she keeps bringing up. I was just using it as a basic example. Oh, nevermind. It's just an easy example to use. Um, but you know, is it that,
00:07:50
funwithsexpodcast
watching your partner be intimate with someone else is making you have those questions of, am I enough? Am I good enough? Does my partner like this person more than me? Or there's another outlet, which could be, you know, maybe you see your partner doing a particular thing with their other partner and you're thinking, hmm, that's something I wish we did more. Either way, you can easily solve it with just some clear communication of like, Hey, I saw that, you know, you and your partner went thrift shopping together. And I would really love if you do that. It made me feel a little jealous, but I think it's just because like, we've never done that together. And I would love to do that. Or maybe it's yeah, at the sex party I had.
00:08:40
funwithsexpodcast
a negative emotion when I saw you kissing her. And I understand like you did nothing wrong and that was in our boundaries. I think I just need like some words of affirmation throughout the night at sex parties, you know, just little moments. And I think the other thing we need to have a conversation about is that not everything should be a boundary. I mean, at the end of the day, two consented adults can decide how they want to create their relationship, however they want to create it. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't investigate why something's a boundary. big issue with like a lot of relationships is like porn consumption and it's like Why don't you want your partner to watch porn? if you don't want your partner to watch porn because of the political reasons and Excuse me Social concerns that you can have a conversation with your partner about fine if you don't want your partner watching porn because
00:09:34
funwithsexpodcast
Your partner, you feel jealous about your partner being physically attracted to someone that they would never know in real life and never meet. That's unrealistic and that's unhealthy. And there's like so many weird boundaries that like couples put up on each other and they say, well, this is my boundaries, you just have to deal with it. And it's like, no, that's still a toxic behavior disguised as a boundary. If a guy has to say like, hey, my boundary is that if you're hanging out and your friend group invites another guy into like the group, or there's guys in the friend group, you're not allowed to go out with them. That's an unhealthy boundary that's nearly abusive. And I think that a lot of people pretend that if you put the word boundary in front of something, it makes it a behavior less toxic or less abusive. And that's not true. Yeah, I totally agree. That's kind of a new thing that's coming up with a lot of people pop are kind yeah pop psychology content online. And then all of a sudden they implement
00:10:32
funwithsexpodcast
a borderline abusive rule and just call it a boundary and all of a sudden it's okay. That's not okay. um But to summarize all of that, I would just say, no, jealousy is not always justified. Your partner does not have to feel some intense guilt because you had a feeling of jealousy. So I think if you find yourself in that moment feeling jealous, I would just kind of try and reverse the rules. So for the example I used, I see my partner kissing someone at a sex party and it makes me feel jealous. Well, reverse the rules. Have you ever kissed someone at a sex party? Have you ever had an intimate moment with someone when your partner's in the same room? If you were in their shoes, how would you be thinking about it?
00:11:17
funwithsexpodcast
all you were probably thinking was, oh, I've been talking to this person at the sex party. I'd love to share like a little kiss with them while we're flirting. So I think that's kind of a helpful tip. I mean, I think another helpful tip to cope with jealousy is to want to admit that you're feeling jealous. A lot of people when they get the emotion of jealousy, they try to repress it or they say, well, I'm not jealous or they immediately try to justify their jealousy and say that it's a different emotion. And it's like, no, I'm not jealous. I feel X, Y, and Z. And I have, I'm justified to fill X, Y, and Z. That's how our brains work. Our brains immediately want to rationalize our feelings and things that we do. There was this like psychology, a neuroscience study where they separate the two halves of the brains and they communicate something to one half of the brain. Well, there's people whose already brains are separated into halves. And then the other half of the brain immediately tries to justify why the other side did it.
00:12:15
funwithsexpodcast
This is neuroscience. What I'm trying to say is that human nature is to try to justify your actions. When in reality, you may just feel jealous because you're insecure about something,
Jealousy's Impact Beyond Romantic Relationships
00:12:27
funwithsexpodcast
or something you feel thorn is your relationship. So instead of saying that like, I either don't feel jealous, or I feel jealous, or um' it's immediately justified that I feel this way. Take a second, take a breath and say, wait, why am I feeling jealous? Or is it justified? And do you like five minutes of reflecting on your jealousy. And I can really help you cope with your emotions and how to handle in a healthy way. Cause you're like, Hey, I feel jealous about my partner posting pictures. And then you're like, Oh, I feel jealous because I feel threatened that other attractive people are liking my partner's content. Oh, I feel jealous because maybe my partner may find those people more attractive than me.
00:13:11
funwithsexpodcast
Oh, maybe like this is a threat to my relationship. Oh, so what I really need to do is like go to my partner and just receive reassurance that there's still end to me and that they don't want to leave me. This is for like a monogamous Gen Z example. You're in a monogamous relationship and you see your partner like really enjoying their poly relationship or going on dates and having a lot of fun with someone. And then you're like, Oh my God, I'm jealous. I'm angry. So I'm going to like, lash out, maybe take a second introspect and go, Hey, why am I jealous about my partner enjoying this date? Maybe because me and my partner haven't went on any fun dates, or maybe we do go on fun dates, but it still makes me insecure that I think that somebody makes that person more happy than I can. um Why do I feel that way? Does that person actually make that person more? Does that person actually make my partner more happy than I do? Or is I just having an internal reaction?
00:14:06
funwithsexpodcast
And if you walk yourself through these questionings of why am I feeling these emotions, most of the times you'll land on something that's completely irrational. Or if you do keep finding like a solid problem in your relationship, then that's what you have communication about. Not what you're immediately having a gut reaction, but that's normally a just a symptom of the problem. Yeah. And I think going along the lines of if you do find a justifiable reason to feel jealous or feel a negative emotion, You know, don't think that your partner is doing it on purpose. Don't jump to the conclusion, oh my God, our relationship is over, or oh my God, he's just trying to make me jealous. Just communicate, like, hey, I've been seeing that you and your other partner have been doing a lot of ah dates where you go out to eat, and we typically don't do that, we just kind of chill at home, but I would love if like once a week we could go out to eat, that would be great.
00:15:03
funwithsexpodcast
Perfect, then you guys can do that and you can enjoy some more fun dates together. I think that goes back to the idea that healthy relationships look like healthy relationships, whether whether they're monogamous or non-monogamous. And what I mean by that is that going back to the boundary thing, a lot of non-monogamous relationships, when someone feels an initial good reaction to something, whether it be the intimacy of kissing or fun dates, or even something like emotional connections, instead of trying to find out why they feel that way and regulate those emotions, they immediately go to banning those acts. And toxic boundaries happens in non-monogamous relationships just like they happen in monogamous relationships. They have weird rules like, hey, it makes me feel threatened when I see you getting kissing with somebody post sex or cuddling with somebody post sex. I'm gonna immediately ban that from our non-monogamous relationships and I'm gonna call it a boundary
00:16:01
funwithsexpodcast
instead of unpacking why that makes them feel jealous. The same thing with like monogamous relationships. And I think that's the point that we're really trying to drive home is that the idea that monogamous and non-monogamous relationships are these two ends of the spectrum that have very different emotional reactions to things that make them feel threatened is not true. In reality, we're all human. Good relationships and healthy relationships are closer to each other no matter if they're open or closed, then what then they are to bad relationships. And it comes down to communication consent and introspection. And I think another important thing to touch on is just kind of the common pitfalls people fall into when they are feeling jealousy. I think one of my biggest pieces of advice as well would be, you know, when you are feeling jealous, first of all, you have to take ownership of the emotion and you have to do some unpacking on your own. um But I think one of the most common pitfalls I see as well that just kind of causes
00:17:01
funwithsexpodcast
even more negative emotions to spiral is when people kind of choose to act out on their jealousy in front of their meta or in front of other partners. Yeah. friends family Yeah. And then it just causes an even bigger issue and brings other people into it too. Cause I think that's the other thing too. When you're a poly and you have multiple partners, if it's, Within your relationship even if it's involving, you know, I feel jealous of my meta. I feel jealous of this other person and That's not your partner. So you can't just coach that person and be Including them into your relationship discussion No, that's a very fair point. We're like a lot of people when they get jealous of somebody They villainize the person that they're jealous of instead of unpacking like why I'm jealous of that person
00:17:54
funwithsexpodcast
And again, that happens in money monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. There's a lot of stories of like people not liking their partners or other partners for no other reason besides they're just jealous of them and they're like, well, this person seems to enjoy the time that they spend with them or they're really happy with them. And that threatens my relationship. So instead of dealing with those emotions and talking to my partner, I'm going to be angry at this person. I don't know. And same thing with like friends in monogamous relationships. friends of your partners where people are like, a this friend it makes me feel insecure because like, my partner has a strong, non sexual relationship with someone else. When in reality, I think that I'm the only non family person that my partner should have a relationship with of this gender. So instead of saying i like, I want to deal with this, or even like, I'm going to reach out and get to know this person to see like, maybe this person is just a really dope person. And that's why my partner likes them so much.
00:18:54
funwithsexpodcast
I'm going to villainize and be angry at this person. And I'm also going to respect this person to respect the boundaries that I've set up for my relationship, even though this person is not dating me. Yeah. And I would have the same advice um when it comes to handling your jealousy in private with your partner, even with casual encounters in e and E&M too, you know, if it's like a group play scenario and you're feeling jealous, totally common happens to a lot of people. A lot of people have shared that with me. That doesn't give you the right to stand up in the middle of the orgy or in the middle of a three-way and start yelling and making a scene, you know? I think but like another thing to remember is also like your partner is an individual too with their own desires, emotions, and feelings. I think a lot of people when they feel a strong emotion, especially when in our society, I think we've went the other way of like
00:19:47
funwithsexpodcast
my emotions should always be validated by my partner. And like, yes, your partner should understand that you're a person who has emotions too. That goes both ways. So if you're like, Hey, this makes me feel a certain and way, I want you to stop. And your partner was like, I really enjoyed doing this. This makes me feel happy. Understand that your partner has agency too. And you need to respect that. If a certain task is not violating the boundaries of your relationship that you have previously agreed on and now you're trying to enforce it. Now your partner may want to push back and that doesn't mean your partner have to agree on it. And here's the reality of the situation. If this is something that really is a fork in a row, it's also okay to like find someone else.
Universal Nature of Jealousy and Final Thoughts
00:20:33
funwithsexpodcast
If you guys realize that this thing that we both can agree on is just not going to be negotiated, um,
00:20:44
funwithsexpodcast
It's okay for you guys to like realize that maybe I should find a partner whose boundaries more aligned with myself say instead of trying to change this person who would be unhappy if these were the rules or the dynamics of my relationship. Yeah. And I think that is something to consider as well, because that is where a lot of people's toxicity comes out in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. You know, if you feel like your partner's jealousy is seriously taking a toll on your other relationships and I should say an unjustified jealousy. If you just cannot come to an agreement if it feels like
00:21:27
funwithsexpodcast
There's just so many boundaries where you can barely engage in other dynamics. Same thing with monogamous relationships. If you're like, wow, I can't even go to the bars with my friends because my partner blows up my phone because they're jealous. Same thing with non-monogamy. Wow. I can't even go on a date with my partner because my partner, other partner blows up my phone because they're jealous. You know, really take a step back and kind of consider if it's a healthy dynamic. And that's so important. So remember that like, Your romantic relationship, if you're monogamous or your primary romantic relationship, if you're non-monogamous may be the quote unquote most important relationship in your life, but it's not your only relationship in your life. And if it gets to the point where like that relationship is threatening your relationships with all the other people in your life, whether that's monogamous or non-monogamous, whether that's
00:22:22
funwithsexpodcast
Family friends for both and then you add in other partners for non-monogamous when like your partner's jealousy is destroying your community and your sense of belonging with other people maybe you need to take a second and Think about and reflect about if that one relationship is worth it because a lot of people are involved through relationships in on the monogamous side where Their partner's jealousy stops them from being able to spend time with family. I have like a family member were like We really get to spend one-on-one time together because any free second their partner wants them to hang out. And there's a lot of relationships where even same gender relationships and straight relationships, same gender friendships and straight relationships, the partner is like, well, I don't want you spending that much time with them because I have a dependency on you and I won't all that time to be sitting with me. Cause like jealousy is not just about romantic relationships. Jealousy also happens with family and platonic friendships too.
00:23:18
funwithsexpodcast
and you don't feel that they don't feel is actually the right involved. A lot of times it just comes down to power and control. Yeah, I agree. So basically, to wrap up this episode, understand that jealousy is not a thing that only happens to monogamous people or non-monogamous people. Non-monogamous people aren't some revolutionary, higher level beings who have gotten past jealousy. know ah Monogamous people also can have very healthy relationships with jealousy and also very unhealthy relationships with jealousy. And the important thing to remember is that if you are the person being jealous, take a second, reflect, act yourself as an internal issue with you dealing with your own insecurity or a certain, actually an external issue of the relationship that like needs to be addressed. Listen to what your jealousy is trying to tell you without irrationally acting on it, which I think is an important thing.
00:24:17
funwithsexpodcast
um I think that's about it that we covered now. All right. Well, this has been the fun with sex podcast. I'll see you in two. We'll see you in two weeks.