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Chapter 9 - Scale, Sail, and Blackmail
47 Plays8 months ago
If you ever feel like you're having a bad day, at least you haven't been accused of ignobility, had your blackmail scheme ruined, contracted pink eye, and gotten into a fight with your third best friend.
Meet the cast:
Dungeon Master – Zach Meikle (IG: @zachabee)
Clay Campbell – Prima Zhao (IG: @primbdraws)
Faunalyn Vaydark – Shannon Meikle (IG: @sharsharbinks)
Glimki Treefellow – Jordan Johnsen (IG: @jordan_johnsen)
Editing by Zach Meikle
Follow the show:
X @bard_soup
Instagram: @bard_soup
TikTok: @bard_soup
Music & Ambience
Music: Beyond the Horizon by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Medieval Chateau by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Ambience: Secret Garden by Tim Roven (www.tabletopaudio.com)
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Music: Better Times by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Dungeons and Dragons by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Nomadic Dawn by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Return of a Hero by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Banjo Fever by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: The World's Most Epic Sea Shanty by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: String Interlude A by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Cocktails and Lobsters by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Music: Loss by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
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Door Knock Single by Scottish Guy from Pixabay
Soft Rain Ambient by Mikhail from Pixabay
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Transcript
Ptolemy's Storytelling and Feedback
00:00:05
Speaker
Ptolemy Henkel paused. The fire below him continued to crackle cheerily, unaware of just how unwelcome its greetings were. Ptolemy Henkel the bard felt like he had been talking for hours, yet his complexion had barely risen to shade past medium rare. Clarb the giant was still in the process of cutting vegetables. This worried Ptolemy. He needed the giant's full attention. It was the only way this plan would work.
00:00:36
Speaker
If he wasn't interested in the story, Ptolemy would have to change tack, and soon. He decided to ask for feedback from his audience of one. Well, Klob, what do you think? It's a pretty good story, right? Missing princess, lovable but flawed main characters, a dragon. For a long time, Klob was silent. I have news.
00:01:05
Speaker
Notes? What do you mean notes? Well, for one thing, don't you think the situation with the Medusa was resolved a little too easily? No, I think it was heartfelt and well-earned. Any other notes?
00:01:23
Speaker
Mmm. I don't particularly care if he will characterization of hill giants in chapter 7. Excuse me? Let's stand next to a character without a hill giant might have eaten the princess. He would never. And yet you have no issue whatsoever devouring wayward bards. Precisely. Fine. Anything else? Don't you think it's a tad maladroid to insert yourself into the story? For a long time, Ptolemy Henkel was silent.
00:01:54
Speaker
No, Clobb, I don't think it is. Well, to reach the road. Ptolemy Henkel's inner artist was fuming, but his inner man who didn't want to get eaten by a hill giant was elated. While the notes were infuriating, it at least showed Clobb was paying attention to the story, which was the most important thing. Other than not getting eaten, of course.
00:02:19
Speaker
The next part of the story was crucial. It would set the stage for all that was to come. Ptolemy would have to keep his wits about him. Which would probably be easier if he wasn't staring straight into the flames below. Klob? Yes? Would you mind giving me another turn?
Adventurers' Negotiation and Gains
00:02:37
Speaker
I'm afraid my front is getting a little... crispy. Of course. Happy to oblige.
00:02:45
Speaker
As the giant plotted towards him once more, Ptolemy Henkel took a deep breath and continued his story. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, that's right.
00:03:03
Speaker
After freeing Clay from their petrified form and securing some much needed information, our trio began the journey back to Antony. Before they could make it, however, they were surprised to see fan favorite Sten Dexter dressed as a princess.
00:03:20
Speaker
standing in a farmer's field. The party watched in horror as Sten was whisked away by a young blue dragon, and after a moment's deliberation, they decided to give chase. They followed the creature back to its coastal lair, and after a close encounter with a group of territorial crabs, they were able to gain access to the dragon's cave. While exploring the caves, they came across a mysterious half-elf woman named
00:03:48
Speaker
Alegar Choar, who seemed to have a maternal relationship with the dragon, who she identified as Kriggable. It took some convincing, but the party explained the situation to Alegar, and she gave them permission to enter the dragon's chambers.
00:04:06
Speaker
Before entering, the party decided it would be best to disguise themselves, and Glimky and Clay were given a dramatic makeover by Faunalyn. The two, now dressed in the finest outfits and makeup, entered Quigamon's lair. Expecting the worst, they were surprised to discover Quigamon was but a wormling and had the temperament of an impulsive toddler. However, this revelation did not make him any less dangerous.
00:04:36
Speaker
It took some convincing, as well as several valuable silver items, a pair of horses, and a book Glimky had been saving for his sister. But eventually, Krigamon granted Sten his freedom, and gifted one of his blue scales to Glimky as a sign of his benevolence. With that, the four exhausted adventurers returned home to Ertony. Upon their return home, Clay discovered the amulet she had been gifted by Bridescale Warwick Hummel, seemed drawn to the dragon scale,
00:05:05
Speaker
And, when they were brought close, the scale affixed itself to the amulet, empowering Clay's divine abilities.
Faunalyn's Social Dilemmas and Invitations
00:05:13
Speaker
In the morning, Faunalyn was awoken by Felocent, who informed her that the Honorable Zuksi's humiliation had come to see her.
00:05:21
Speaker
Farlan joined the noble for a walk in the garden, under the watchful eye of Clay and Glimky. Xerxes apologized for what had happened to Farlan and attempted to make amends by inviting her to an upcoming ball at Hell's Premier. He pulled out an invitation, bound by a seal, and in that moment, Clay saw that it bore the symbol of an owlbear, the same one Clay had been searching for all this time. You already said all that.
00:05:51
Speaker
I know, I just thought after all the hubbub you might need a refresher. It won't happen again. On with the story.
00:06:13
Speaker
Come gather round travelers and sit on the stoop We'll tell you a story about Batsu Three lovable scamps in our traveling troop We'll tell you a story about Batsu
00:06:44
Speaker
It's SuperTime. Bah God, it's bard soup with a steel chair! Welcome back to chapter 9 of bard soup, everybody. I'm your humble and loathsome dungeon master, Zach Meekle. I'm joined by three wrestling fanatics, prima jao, who do you play and what do you do?
Dungeon Master Introduction and Character Entries
00:07:06
Speaker
I play Clay Campbell, and what do I do? Mostly cry. Yeah, mostly cry. Uh-oh, it's Jordan who threw somebody in the hell in the cell. I don't remember my wrestling references. What's up, blood? Yeah, what? I'm Jordan. I play a glinky tree fellow, collector of books, and throwing my signature tree fellow elbow off the 12 foot ladder.
00:07:37
Speaker
into, who is it? The Undertaker? We should have gone with John Cena because we can't see you. Anyway, and the woman that we can't see her, my sister Shannon, what up? Blood. Oh, what up? I don't wrestle. What? Oh, but I do play Fondlyne Vedark.
00:07:58
Speaker
Amazing. Wow. This is my last episode, gang. You're going to have to find a new DM after this. We just watched 30 concurrent listeners all just stop listening. We rejoin our
00:08:14
Speaker
wonderful adventurers in a hedge maze built for gnomes where Faunalyn Vedark has just received an invitation to a upcoming ball from one honorable Xerxes humiliation. You are accompanied by your newly appointed, I don't know, professional best friend, Clay Campbell. Oh, bodyguard.
00:08:40
Speaker
You bodyguard. Clay, you have seen the wax seal on this scroll. You see that it depicts an owl bear, and not just depicts an owl bear, but matches the insignia on the ring that you have recently come into possession of. What is going through Clay's mind as they see this?
00:09:02
Speaker
just shock, I guess. I think she's either going to try to snatch that scroll out of his hand or just like grab Faunalyn's arm and be like, it's an owl bear. Just like shake her. Yes, yes, I see that it's an owl bear. And I'm going to wink at Clay and then look at Xerxes and go, owl bears are her special interest.
00:09:27
Speaker
My cousin has a special interest. Anyway, you know I was kidding before when I said that we knew I was already invited and I was just doing a bit. Of course. Oh god, okay. Yes, I'm very funny. Lady Fonray, you have such a wicked sense of humor.
00:09:48
Speaker
Yes, I feel that I should have just left it, because I think the more I talk about it, the more pathetic it becomes. I don't know. I'm unusually indecisive in this moment. I normally know how to handle these things. But I've never been snubbed in this way before. I mean, who doesn't invite a Vedarch to a party? Right?
00:10:07
Speaker
he kind of looks at the ground just like it's a split second but your social well your social skills are at an all-time low but your social perception has never been higher you've been reading in a lot to different looks and gestures it's up to you if you want to say anything but you see him kind of look down maybe make an inside check if you want to
00:10:35
Speaker
I would love to insight check this demure gesture. Oh, uh, that is a 14. You notice this gesture, this, this look, and it's a, it's, there's a faint glimmer of embarrassment that passes over his face. Embarrassment for me? With a 14, you're not sure whom the embarrassment is directed at. It could be at himself. It could be at you. What was that face about?
00:11:04
Speaker
He looks startled, but then turns to you and says, Apologies. It's just that people have been talking as they do. Oh, as they do. And I must admit, I've heard some rather terrible rumors about you. What have you heard? I'd rather not repeat them. Do they include the words menage a trois? That's one of the newer ones.
00:11:34
Speaker
Newer? I'm sorry, are there older ones? Xerxes, you must tell me. We're friends. Give me a persuasion roll. That is a 18. It's truly
Reputation Management and Strategies
00:11:47
Speaker
not worth repeating. There's been some rather untoward comments made about your lineage. That is all.
00:11:58
Speaker
You know, sometimes rumors are so ridiculous. Like, for example, I've heard things said about your brother arousing his humiliation and the wife of Lord Jasper Bristol, but that doesn't mean those things are necessarily true, and yet by- Oh no, that's true. He made a cuckold of Jasper. Okay, that's exactly what I had heard. Yes. Well- I mean, I should be embarrassed, but it's kinda cool.
00:12:27
Speaker
Far be it from me to throw stones at a cuckold. Actually, I like throwing stones at the cuckolds. I don't... What am I saying? I don't know. I'm flustered. What are you saying? I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is tell me the rumor immediately. Say it, or are you scared to say it? Does it contain bad words? I just think it's an ugly thing, and I've heard it second or third hand, so you know how these things... Close your eyes and say it then. I don't see how that would help. Because if it's ugly, then you don't have to look at it. Ah.
00:12:56
Speaker
Now close your eyes and tell me. He closes his eyes and grimaces and then starts to pucker for a kiss and then shakes his head. Mouths stupid, stupid. And then goes on to say, it has merely been implied that you are perhaps not of noble blood. Like as in,
00:13:22
Speaker
As in Lord Vedark or Lady Vedark had an affair and I'm the ignoble product. I am afraid I do not know the particulars. I tend not to indulge in such filth. Well, who told you the rumor? Well, I heard about it from my dear friend, Lady Isle Crowin. Lady Crowin is talking shit about my ancestry.
00:13:51
Speaker
I suppose, yes. Do I have any dirt on Lady Crawlwyn? No, you met her at the ball at Humiliation House. She was blonde, relatively tanned, didn't make much of an impression beyond that though. Okay, let me just add her to my notes, Lady Crawlwyn, talkin' shit. Okay, Xerxes? Yes. You know people of our ilk are often decorous and we scarcely say what we mean.
00:14:19
Speaker
You and I are new acquaintances, but you have shown me great kindness over our short interactions, and I appreciate that tremendously. So the fact that someone tried to kill me in your family name, let's consider it water under the bridge. That's most kind of you, my lady. And otherwise, I suppose I'd like to be friends. I would like that very much as well. I don't believe you, but that's fine. We'll figure it out. You can go now.
00:14:44
Speaker
He gives a little half bow and says, I shall meet you at the ball then in two days time. Okay, can I bring a guest or am I already your guest? You are my guest. Can I bring a bodyguard?
00:14:58
Speaker
It is not uncommon to bring a bodyguard or an escort or a retinue. They would likely have to wait in the servants area until the ball is concluded, but they could accompany you to be sure, especially given your recent circumstances. I know how balls and retinues work, Xerxes. It just seems like you asked, and so I answered.
00:15:22
Speaker
Where it just seems like, you know what, that's on me. That's on me. Okay, you really can go now. Run along. My lady. My lord. And he walks, he like, you're in the hedge maze and it takes him like a good five minutes to actually like leave, so you're kind of just standing there while he tries to navigate his way out of the maze. Go over! Just go over! Do you want a boost? It's undactified. Only if you're bad at jumping.
00:15:46
Speaker
No, no, I've got it. My navigational senses, his finest are minotaurs. Minotaurs never get out of the maze. Oh look, the exit! And he just runs through the hedge. Clay! Clay! Clay! Clay! Reginald! Yes, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, yes. Okay, two things. First of all, I'm done in this town. And secondly, the Owl Bear is on this letter. Clay's gonna, like, take
00:16:11
Speaker
it and show Glimky with the ring. Be like, look, I was right. The Alvers are involved. Faunalyn, what family is this again?
00:16:41
Speaker
I think they're definitely up to something shady. Yeah! And also probably a little bit mean. Maybe bad taste. I don't know. Should we open the letter? Yeah, so what do we know about this family? Do we know anything about the Perlman family?
00:16:55
Speaker
You met Lord Bickford and Lady Bachra at once again the recent soiree at Humiliation House. They are humans. They are siblings in their mid-20s. They are also known as Bip and Bap. You found them a bit standoffish at the party. They didn't seem to care too much for you.
00:17:22
Speaker
They weren't outright rude, but you know how when you try and join a group and they keep making inside jokes, it was that energy. Beyond that, it's evident their symbol is that of an owl bear. You believe them to be a relatively minor house.
00:17:40
Speaker
Oh my god, snubbed by nobodies. Hmm, so this logo obviously, so they're connected somehow. Okay, let's read the invitation, and then I think I might want to revisit the sewers in disguise this time probably, and get some dirt on these rats. Oh, rats! That's funny.
00:18:05
Speaker
Why are they holding a ball again? I guess we could read the invitation to find out. Excellent point. So you break the seal? I break it really gently. I try to keep it intact. Sure. Give me a sleight of hand check. Ah, that's a two. Plus a five is a seven. It kind of cracks a little around the edges. Can I give help or something? I want to preserve the helmet.
00:18:31
Speaker
I mean, it's like relatively intact. You don't like wreck it, but it's, as you're pulling up on it, it just, it tears a little bit. But, you know, you're being careful with it, and so you get most of it up and off without incident. You unfurl the scroll, small little rolled up piece of paper, and it says,
00:18:53
Speaker
ahem, you are cordially invited to a night of dancing and revelry at Praelmeem Manor. Those in attendance should expect the finest music in all of Erdeneal, as well as crowsavice prepared by our wonderful chef. Plus ones are permitted, if approved ahead of time. We will see you in two days time.
00:19:18
Speaker
Two days time. Doesn't have a date? There's a date, there's a date. It is the 21st. Of what month? Zemfist. Oh! Somebody filled in his month since the last time we did this thing. Nice! Wow, do you want to know all eight months? I won't tell you. You have to earn it.
00:19:35
Speaker
Are we in the summer or in the winter? We are in the early summer, yes. Okay, that's cool. Pharos recently completed its journey from the far moon to the close moon and it is now summer in Zavra.
00:19:49
Speaker
I have so many problems, you guys. I have so many problems. I wasn't invited to this party, and that's so bad for me. It's really important that people like me. And then secondly, I'm really unlikable. Like, I was really weird. No? Oh, thank you. But I was so weird with Xerxes just now. Like, I don't know.
00:20:10
Speaker
He wanted to kiss me or something and then I basically like banished him, which you just don't do. I was just flustered. I don't know. I'm really off my game. I'm really doubting everything. I think he likes you though. I don't know. I told him how to get out of the maze and I'm worried I wounded his pride. He should have gone over. He's very tall. He should have gone over.
00:20:31
Speaker
Yeah. Ugh. You guys like me, right? Yeah, you're amazing. I think we can, now you've been invited to the ball, we can definitely, you know, turn things around for you. Clay, I'm promoting you from whatever you were before to professional best friend. Oh, yay! So Fala is my first best friend, so you're my second best friend.
00:20:53
Speaker
Okay, professional only. Professional only. Blimkey, do you want to be my best friend too? I mean, I didn't know anything about your reputation or family lineage prior to this. So as far as I know, the person that I know is pretty cool.
00:21:11
Speaker
I'm actually shocked and flabbergasted that you would say that because I don't think I've been giving you that impression at all. Okay, well, what do you two think of each other? Why is it all about me all the time? Yeah, Clay's great. I haven't doubted that for a moment. I think it's really awesome of you guys to help me search for the missing princess. Thank you for taking care of me when, you know, everyone else I know is kind of
00:21:42
Speaker
Dead or missing? Yeah, things have been difficult, so you know, thank you for being here. Oh. Well. Glinky puts a hand on Clay's hand and says, I don't really have a choice. We are victims of circumstance, but now friends bonded by a shared goal.
00:22:02
Speaker
I put my hand on top of the stack and say, I'm in it for the boon. Okay. Spit blood piss. What are we doing? Let's do the piss this time. We did blood before. On the count of three. Let's star wipe into a montage of getting funneling ready for the party. Yes, it's going to take two days.
00:22:23
Speaker
As you exit the hedge maze, it takes you some time, of course, but you make it out. And as you are heading back, I don't think we announced this in the episode proper. I think it was after the camera stopped rolling. You guys have hit level three. Congrats. You did it. So we are going to roll for some HP. We're going to steal a little roll from a little guy named Matt Mercer. Have you heard of him? Anyway, so you're going to roll for your
Leveling Up and Ball Preparations
00:22:50
Speaker
HP. If you roll a one, then you can reroll and then
00:22:53
Speaker
So we'll start with you, Clay. You can roll a d8 and add your constitution modifier. I got a five plus three, so eight. Nice. So your HP increases by eight. Faunalyn, you are also a d8. Care to roll? Imagine I said no. That is a six. Plus? Plus one. So I add seven. Nice. And Glimky with the big old d10. Well, I'll have you know, I rolled right in the middle. I got a five plus two, seven.
00:23:22
Speaker
Okay, everyone increases by about the same as to be expected. I just got so much more nefarious. That's ominous. Level three is huge for me. You're all a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger. That's pretty cool. But there is a ball in two days time. So obviously there are some preparations to be made. But you also have
00:23:47
Speaker
various outstanding leads or lines of inquiry that you are welcome to pursue in this time. What is it you wish to do? Well, we did say we gave that ship ledger. He said come back like later today and it's been what, three days, four days. Maybe we should follow up on that. See what they have for us.
00:24:12
Speaker
I actually think it's very important that I go get some hot goss on the Prelmies. Okay, that actually makes sense, especially if we're going to be walking into their territory. And I also think that if you two are coming with me as part of my retinue, you'll have to have like clothes and things like that. So I can handle that kind of thing. Okay, that makes sense. Yes. Wait, so are you suggesting we split up? Well, I didn't know.
00:24:41
Speaker
Clay, what do you want to do today? What's on your to-do list? I think it's really important to find out as much as we can about the premise, but I don't know. Do you guys need my help with anything? Or are we splitting up or are we all going together? You have that dragon skill you said you wanted to look into. Zach, are you ready and willing to do a three-way party split? My friends, I am ready and willing to do whatever you ask of me.
00:25:08
Speaker
Okay. Yeah, I think I need to go figure out about the scale. Okay. So we've got a cleric who wishes to go back to church. We have a noble who wishes to go back to the sewers and we have a paladin who wishes to do what? I'm going to go talk to the shipyard.
00:25:27
Speaker
Okay, we will start with Clay Campbell. As part of your employment, you have been given a letter, essentially like a copy of your contract, which should make it easier for you to venture in and out of the Sapphire District. Now that it's demonstrable that you have
00:25:46
Speaker
legitimate purpose for being in the area, then you should be able to come and go as you please more or less. So with that in mind, you head back into the lower part of the city, into the basin of the city, and once again find yourself in the winding alleys of the gold district. Before long you enter the familiar courtyard of the Dragon's Heart Cathedral. Things are
00:26:16
Speaker
As you remember, but you think the dragon's head, if you recall this cathedral resembles a large dragon, you are of the opinion that the head has moved since the last time you were here. Not a lot, but you don't think it was quite in this configuration. Moved in what direction? Like it's looking towards something or? Just like the neck has bent a little, lowered it down a little bit. It's a little closer to the ground.
00:26:46
Speaker
Do I feel anything in my amulet? No. Nothing? Okay, I guess I just go inside. Okay. You walk up to the front door, just push your way in? Yeah, that's how you did it last time. Last time you knocked. Oh, okay, I knock again. The door creaks open and you see this single eye pointing out at you, looking out at you, and the familiar voice of Walter Salt says,
00:27:16
Speaker
Er, it's you. Hey, Walter, it's me again. Can I come in? Yeah. You know what? All the fight's been taken out of me. I'm a reformed citizen. That's what I is. I've recently been thrust upon with some hard times and I've learned that I need to be more charitable to others. So come on in, Pilgrim, and take off a heavy load. Thanks, Walter. It seems like your studies are going pretty well. By the way, you've got something on your shirt.
00:27:45
Speaker
What? What do I have? And he, uh, pokes you in the nose. Oh. Ha ha! Psych! I haven't learned anything! But you can come in. Okay. You are led into the Cathedral proper. If you recall, it's this large hall. There's these intricate stained glass murals that wrap around this entire, this entire chamber depicting MacRogg and various
00:28:12
Speaker
exploits. There's this glowing blue and pink crystal up at the top of the chamber that's feeding light into the room. You see that there's a few worshippers sat in pews praying quietly, a couple acolytes going around performing various chores, and up on the dais you see Brightscale Warwick humbled. He is flipping through this large tome and taking a few notes.
00:28:40
Speaker
And as you walk into the chamber, he glances up and notices you and says, Clay, back again so soon. How marvelous. Hi, Brightskill. Yeah, I'm back again. How have you been? Oh, fine, fine. Busy, busy. But most of the congregation stayed awake through my last service, so I think I'm doing all right. Okay, transitioning well into the role. I'd like to think so. It's
00:29:11
Speaker
There's a lot to learn still, but... I... know Macraug will guide my words and my path, and... I'll do what I can to spread his light.
00:29:22
Speaker
I think you're doing amazing so far and the city is better for it with you in this position. I wanted to come speak to you again because I remember you gave me this amulet last time and since then in the past few days I've managed to come across a dragon.
00:29:44
Speaker
At this, he raises his eyebrows, but he glances down at the amulet and he sees the blue scale and he says, so you have. I must confess, I did not expect you to add to this amulet so soon or honestly, perhaps ever, but fascinating. How ever did you come into such a thing?
00:30:05
Speaker
So my friend was kidnapped by the dragon and we went to convince the dragon to let him go. And the dragon gave my companion, who was here with me last time, Glimki, one of his scales. And it just attached itself to my amulet. When you gave me the amulet, we didn't really...
00:30:25
Speaker
get a chance to explain more about it. We're kind of in a rush, but can you tell me what's going on? Of course. That is a my bad situation. I probably could have done a little bit more to tell you what I was giving you rather than just assuming you would know or that you would be happy that I gave you a black orb with a rope around it.
00:30:48
Speaker
I'm always grateful to receive gifts. You know me, I didn't pay enough attention in school. Don't remember what I learned. That's quite all right. Well, where to begin? I suppose...
00:31:04
Speaker
Well, it's one of my favorite stories and special to the people of Erdenin. Let me remind you of the story of the dracoschism. And as he starts telling this story, he starts pointing to different facets of the mural, different depictions. Some of the most of the dragons are McCrag, but there's others that are not. And he's kind of identifying some of those in the process. And he begins to speak. In the old days, the
00:31:34
Speaker
People of Zav had spread to fill much of the world. The giants were treated to the quiet places of Zav, but the dragons refused to be pushed out so easily. Some dragons, the metallic dragons mostly, believed that small folk and dragonkind could live in harmony.
00:31:58
Speaker
Others, primarily the Chromatic Dragons, believed the smallfolk existed only to be subjugated and to serve the dragons. As a result, fearsome drakes laid claim to smallfolk settlements and began to demand patronage. This triggered a war amongst all the dragons of Xav, in a period that came to be known as the Dracoschism. It was a time where entire forests were melted away in waves of acid,
00:32:25
Speaker
The astro cascade itself froze. Great dragon turtles rose from the elsewhere ocean and threatened to flood entire civilizations. And one dragon, an ancient white dragon named Zirbar Steelsnapper, came down from the Amud Mountains and laid claim to Erdenin itself. But Erdenin had long been the home of Tostim, the Moonstone Dragon.
00:32:49
Speaker
took great pleasure in the city's many arcane and artistic creations. Tolstin confronted Zirbar and begged him to leave the city, but he refused. She begged him to leave the city with her, so they might settle their disagreement without bringing harm to the people of Erdeny, but he once again refused. Tolstin did not know what to do, so she sang to her father McCrog and begged him to change the heart of Zirbar.
00:33:18
Speaker
Macrogh heard her prayer. Tolstin was bathed in a blinding white light, pale like the moon. At seeing this, Zirbar felt a great remorse and
00:33:29
Speaker
return to his home in the mountains. The people of Erdenin search for Tolstin to thank her, but all they found was her pure, crystal heart, and at this he gestures up at the crystal suspended above you. They kept it, and it is said that any evil dragon that flies within the range of Tolstin's heart will feel compelled to leave the city, and thus Erdenin has been safe from draconic threats ever since.
00:33:58
Speaker
A dragon's heart is a powerful thing. It is the source of its might and its fury, as well as its fire or ice or whatever it breathes out. We, servants of Makrog, wear these iron hearts, and he taps the amulet around his own neck. If you recall, his amulet is completely covered in dragon scales.
00:34:25
Speaker
We wear these iron hearts as a reminder of the strength of the dragon and what
00:34:35
Speaker
it can offer the world. In practical terms, it is often said that the worthiest or the most devout, perhaps is a better way of phrasing it, of Macrock's followers will find themselves befriended by many a dragon.
00:34:56
Speaker
And in collecting scales from them, we'll serve as a reminder of sorts, of that which binds us together. So if you are to see someone with an amulet with many scales, you will know that they have spent many years in service of Macrock and have been rewarded thusly. And I see that you are already beginning that path yourself.
00:35:24
Speaker
Can I see what kind of scales he has on his iron heart? Yeah, there are chromatic scales. You see red and blue and black and white and green. There are...
00:35:39
Speaker
Metallic scales, you see brass and bronze and copper, gold and silver. You see a few others that resemble almost like gemstones. You see emerald and ruby. They completely cover this orb. Have you seen a lot of dragons in your time in service to McCrug? Is that how you collected all of these skills?
00:36:05
Speaker
Alas, this is more a symbol of my position. I have had the honor to meet many dragonkind and to converse with them, to dine with them, to spend time with them, but this particular holy symbol has been passed down to the bright scale of the Dragon Hearts Cathedral for
00:36:32
Speaker
generations. It is a shared labor of love that all high priests of Macrog from this church have endeavored to take on together.
00:36:46
Speaker
I see. Wow, you should tell me some of the stories of your encounters sometime because they sound really amazing. And yeah, I've never seen a dragon before and the one I met was kind of cute.
00:37:03
Speaker
But you did mention that he wasn't able to fly closer to the city, that something was keeping him away. And in the story, Tolstin's heart only kept away evil dragons? Is that right? That is correct, yes. What makes some dragons evil and some not?
00:37:24
Speaker
You know, that's a very difficult question. Some would think it's a sort of lazy and potentially harmful, predetermined morality based upon the scale color of one's dragon. As for myself, I'm not really sure. I think if a dragon seeks to aid those that it could otherwise harm,
00:37:50
Speaker
Regardless of scale color, it can be considered good. If it would use its power to exert undue influence or otherwise bring harm to people, then I suppose it could be considered evil and Tolstian's heart would repel it.
00:38:11
Speaker
Yeah, maybe it's better if Krikomon doesn't come near the city, but maybe one day I'll meet him again and see if he's changed. Remind me, what kind of dragon is McCrog? McCrog is...
00:38:28
Speaker
The father of all dragons, he is red and gold, white and silver, blue, green, black, brass, bronze, copper. He is none of them and all of them at the same time. He gestures once again to the mural, and you see that in all the depictions of MacRogg. He is a dragon that has scales of every different color.
00:38:58
Speaker
each of them almost appear to be a completely different shade like as you look it doesn't appear that any two scales are exactly the same you get the sense that he is not any one specific type of dragon cool rainbow dragon truly the rainbow fish of dragons yeah except rainbow fish had all the same scales so not rainbow fish at all just a dragon
00:39:20
Speaker
Yeah, so I'm really honored that you gave me this Iron Heart, and I hope to continue McCrog and Tolstein's legacy of meeting dragons and communicating with them.
00:39:35
Speaker
He puts a comforting hand upon your shoulder. I am certain
Clay's Dragon Research and Cathedral Visit
00:39:42
Speaker
you will. It is exciting to see where you are in your personal journey, and I am quite confident you are going to do great things that make us all very proud. I will warn you,
00:40:00
Speaker
Well, we have a healthy respect for dragons. Some of them are not to be trusted and some of them will seek to bring you harm. So be careful before diving headfirst into too many interactions before you're ready. That's fair. That makes sense. I'll be careful. I promise.
00:40:25
Speaker
I'm sure you will. Have you heard any news in the past few days about how the search for the princess is going?
00:40:35
Speaker
Well, I haven't been following too closely. I've mostly spent my time trying to bring the congregation some level of peace in these difficult times. I did hear that the castle guards that were being held have been released. It seems they have been cleared of any involvement, but that doesn't really
00:41:02
Speaker
bring us closer to finding the princess. Unfortunately, I've heard various groups of adventurers have ventured out into the surrounding wilds looking for goblin encampments or brigands who might have found a way to waylay the princess, but I'm not sure if many of them have returned from their wanderings just yet. I see. Do you, by any chance, know anything about the Prami family?
00:41:32
Speaker
He furrows his brow. I don't believe I do. Are they members of the church? If so, I should know them.
00:41:44
Speaker
Uh, no, they're a rich family from the upper districts. I just was wondering if you heard anything because I once again take out my sketches of Albers and show the bright scale. Just if you hear anything, you know, about them, if there's anything disrupting the piece, just keep an eye out for this Alber symbol because I think it might have something to do with the missing princess. Just to let you know. All right.
00:42:12
Speaker
Thank you for telling me I shall certainly keep an ear out. Maybe even two. I tuck some of my sketches into his hands just like for him to keep. I will put it on my wall. Is there anything else I can do for you, Clay?
00:42:29
Speaker
Nope, I just wanted to come and learn more about the amulet, so that's great. Do you have any books on dragons that I could use to study more and learn more? Oh, promise to bring it back? I promise.
00:42:47
Speaker
he walks over to a cabinet along one of the walls and he opens it up and he pulls out, it's compact but still pretty thick and he lays it in your hand and he says, a Draconomicon, it shall contain all manner of information from
00:43:08
Speaker
centuries worth of study into dragonkind. Many of the dragons written about in this text were written about or first encountered hundreds of years ago and are still active in Xav to this day. So if you happen to meet any of them and come back with any fresh insights that might be added to the next edition of the text, that would be most wonderful.
00:43:34
Speaker
Thank you so much. I'm going to study this book. And if I meet more dragons, I'm definitely going to take some notes and I'll share them with you next time we meet. Fantastic. I look forward to our next meeting, Clay. Me too. Thank you. And then I leave.
00:43:51
Speaker
All right. You, let me roll. What is your AC without a shield? Oh shit. 14. As you are walking out the door, you feel something hit you in the back of the head and you reach back and you see it's a little spitball. Yeah. Yeah. Walter's poking out from behind a doorway. And when you see him, he quickly like ducks back behind, but you hear giggling as you depart into the morning sun.
Glimky's Harbor Investigation
00:44:19
Speaker
We will leave you there in the courtyard of the Dragon's Heart Cathedral, and we will go over to one Glimky Tree Fellow, making your way through the city, the hustle and the bustle of the crowd. You two have received a letter from a letter of employment, so you have no worries about getting back into the Sapphire District.
00:44:39
Speaker
You venture along the base of the Oceancrest Falls, eventually making your way into the into the docks area, the Pearl District of Eredinine. It seems to be a busy day in the Pearl District. You see that there are stalls set up with fresh fish being sold. You see a few merchants are offering silks and tapestries from far off lands. Oh.
00:45:07
Speaker
Okay, interesting. Can I go over to that fish stop? Sure. No need for chitchat, I'll just give me a nice big-looking fish as long as my torso. A big fish? Well, I can do that for you, sir, no problem whatsoever. You want a cod, you want a pickle roll, you want a little halibut, what can I do you for on this fine zemphis day? This was fresh this morning, I assume.
00:45:35
Speaker
Oh, fresh some more than I assure you, young master. That's not reassuring. The freshest and the prisiest fish you have. All right. Did you say prisiest or prisiest? Because those are two very different things. Prisiest. Wait, I would assume they would be the same. Well, some fish are good in a competition, but not so good for other things, if you know what I mean. And he winks at you in a way that means he doesn't know what he means, in fact.
00:46:04
Speaker
I will let you decide. All right, dealer's choice, I say that's all right by me. Now, how are you doing with this red snapper here? It's a nice snap you up and it'll snap you good and it'll snap you for the next three meals looking at the size of you. And he pulls out this red snapper that is nearly as long as you are tall. Oh, I mean, that looks pretty good. Oh, wrap her in some paper and I'll have me on my way.
00:46:32
Speaker
All right then, young master, that'll be two fine gold pieces on this five. Holy smokes. Okay. You went with priciest, I guess. Well, you said dealer's choice. Yep. Dealer. That's on me. Dealer got a wife and kids to feed, you see. That is on me. What do you got for five silver? Oh, I reckon we can do some nice tuna fish. Okay. You know, tuna can be up to 700 pounds.
00:47:01
Speaker
Not this one, sir, this one's a fine four pound. Not too big, it was probably a baby, which means catching it was probably unethical. But if there's one thing that Southwater Jack knows, it's that good fish is good any time of age. Okay, Southwater Jack, give me two of those. Two of these? That'll be a gold, sir. Are you sure? Because for two gold, you could have yourself a whole red snapper.
00:47:28
Speaker
No, no thanks. I'm gonna take the two and yeah it'll do just fine for me. I do declare that is a bargain made and a bargain made. Indeed it's an equals formula. A equals A top beat if you know what I mean sir. Not only do I know fish but I know mathematics. Quite well I tell you sir I do.
00:47:51
Speaker
All right, well, that's enough of me because my voice is getting real hoarse and we got a long session to go still. So enjoy your fish and I'll enjoy this gold. I'll see you next time you need fish. Thank you so much. This whole town is full of characters. Ain't it though? So on to the Harper Master's office. Yes, please.
00:48:12
Speaker
Okay, yeah, you venture past familiar sites at this point. You see the Anchor's Beard seems to be closed at this time of day, but you push past various large sailors who are either shipping in or shipping out, and eventually you make your way to the Harper Master's office. Perfect.
00:48:35
Speaker
You walk inside and you see the familiar cast of characters, the same group of young people running about, checking ledgers, doing administrative work, and you see the harbour master sitting there at his desk. I walk up to the desk and give a nice... Excuse me, sir?
00:48:57
Speaker
Ah, young master. Welcome back. What can I do for you? Um, yeah, sorry. Excuse my tardiness, sir. It's been a, it's been a couple of days. I was supposed to come back to gather some information that you had sourced from me. If I, if I recall correctly, a list of all the ships in the humiliation fleet, starting with K and if, you know, if you had it, all the ships that had been on port on the 13th day of the previous month,
00:49:22
Speaker
Right. Well, about that, according to my note here, and he pulls out a, like kind of fumbles through these, there's just piles of charts and scrolls and maps all over his, all over his desk. And he eventually finds this scrap of paper and he says, now, according to what I wrote down, you were supposed to receive all the ships in the humiliation fleet that start with the letter K as well as all the ships that sailed out of port on the 13th day.
00:49:50
Speaker
I don't have a proper list of all the ships that were in port, just the ones that sailed out. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Sure. That should do. All right. Well, starting with that, there were three ships that departed on the 13th. And for those of you who are really interested in calendars, I'll tell you that, ah, that would have been the 13th of Oduary. Good to know. There was Breath of the Drake.
00:50:17
Speaker
which typically sells or is a commercial ship.
00:50:23
Speaker
brings goods in and out of the anchor's chain, captained by one moral scrim. There was the Harpy's Whisper, which was bound for Tillamook, it's a passenger vessel, captained by Boris Buncheon. There was the Myrmidon, which is actually, as I'm sure you know, is the personal vessel of one barren
00:50:50
Speaker
Humiliation, captained by Tywill Virtuous, and that was that for ships that departed on the 13th. As far as ships generally in the Humiliation Fleet, starting with the letter K, there are five. There is the Kraken's Grasp, captained by Elise Salmony,
00:51:14
Speaker
There's, well, these two ships are paired up. There's Karma's Lament and Karma's Boyfriend, captained by Pelchan Glassheart and Soyo Thrillberry, respectively. There is Kilkenny's Ruin, captained by Giancarlo Tellerosa. And there's the Kingfisher, captained by one Arassus Humiliation. We've heard that name before. That's the Cuckolding Brother, I think. And also the Kingfisher ship name has come up before.
00:51:43
Speaker
I think when we asked someone what ships were coming in and out of port, they were like, I don't know, there was the Kingfisher, but also others. Anyway. Interesting. Okay. Well, I mean, this is all great information. Thank you very much. I hope it helps you with whatever important work you were working on. Oh, of course. That you came in in such a hustle for and then proceeded not to return for three days. Anyway.
00:52:12
Speaker
I promise your time was not wasted. I brought a gift for you for your hard work. I pull out some fresh tuna and present them to the harbor master. Harbor master, I brought you some fish for you and you're the guy who was here last time. Can't remember there was another guy. Oh, that's Terry.
00:52:36
Speaker
Yeah, sure. It's rather kind of you. I'm sure you have a lot of staff, a lot of people that come through here, so I don't, don't fault you for not remembering his name. No, I don't fault myself either. It's been one hell of a week. Yes. This is most kind. I really, I apologize for my sass moments ago. If I had known you were about to give me fish, I would have kept my tongue.
00:52:55
Speaker
Oh no, please, I totally understand. We're all under a lot of stress since the events of last week. I mean, a lot of people are focused on the missing princess, of course, but of course, business does not stop, regardless of the princess's presence. So again, thank you, and I hope you enjoy your fish. Thank you, sir. I will think of you fondly while I consume it.
00:53:18
Speaker
That's great. Actually, I had one more thing. Just if you had the books handy, do you have any information on ships that belong to a specific family under, I believe, V for Vedark? I can check. One second. What are you curious about, Glimky? I thought we were friends. We're friends.
00:53:42
Speaker
He wabbles over to this this large bouquet and starts pouring through it and comes back not very long just like a minute or two later and says now unfortunately I do not have any records of
00:54:01
Speaker
of Vedoc ships, it's possible that they either, well, if they're not based out of Erdony and we've got little reason to keep significant records about them. Or if they simply lack a significant numbers, if they're a foreign owned corporation with significant business in the city, then we would likely have some record. But unfortunately I have nothing for you at this time.
00:54:29
Speaker
Interesting. Okay, good to know. Just curious. Maybe next time I'm in port, I'll come say hi. Bring you some more fish. As you are getting ready to leave, give me a perception check. Oh, 17.
00:54:44
Speaker
I'll say while he's like pouring over this bookcase, you spot, we'll say, we'll turn back time a little bit. While he's over at the bookcase, you glance over at his desk and you see poking out from beneath a pile of scrap paper.
00:55:04
Speaker
A book. It's rather small, small spine, but printed on it in a neat handwriting is Vera Loneberry Presents Danforth, A Lightweight Guide to the Anchor's Chain. What? Give me a history roll. Oh, another good one, 19.
00:55:21
Speaker
You've spent some time on a couple ships at this point. You know from your travels that a Danforth is a type of lightweight anchor and you glean that this is some half-baked attempted wordplay. Something about how it's a small book about the anchor's chain. So it's named after a small anchor. It doesn't really work, but like you at least understand what the motivation was.
00:55:48
Speaker
Son of a gun how far like how far out of reach is it?
00:55:52
Speaker
I mean, it's on the desk. You could probably, you might have to like take like a little half leap just to like, when you're a kid, you're trying to reach something on the counter, that sort of vibe, but it's doable. Oh my goodness. Okay. He's going to come back and be like, actually, you know what? Quick, quick thing. After I got that fish to fish this morning, I was showing a little trick that I want to show you, you know, to get all the interns out. I don't know if they got to them properly. Let me, let me just show you quickly.
00:56:23
Speaker
That's a deception roll. 16. He looks a little like for a second, he's like a little puzzled, but then he's like, no, that makes sense. That's good. Common sense. Thank you. Uh, what, what was it you wanted to show me a way to gut a fish better? Yeah. See, especially with these, these youthful tuna, you know, tuna can be very big. Right. These ones look like they were barely children.
00:56:47
Speaker
The barely. Yeah. So at this stage, there's actually a trick. Usually you'd start up here, right? And Glimp, he's like showing him on the fish, like where to put his blade. You have a knife on you? I've got a letter opener. Yeah, that should work. Sure. He grabs a letter opener from his desk. Okay, he goes to his desk or the book is on his desk.
00:57:14
Speaker
Dang it. Okay, so you're gonna insert right here? Okay, he takes his letter opener and pokes the fish with it.
00:57:22
Speaker
Okay. And then you're going to violently move it from left to right like this. Does he copy me? Yeah. So presumably the guts will just be spilled all over the desk. Yeah, they're flying. Guts are flying. What does he do? He takes the letter opener and he starts to wiggle the opener about and guts are plenty are flying and he says, ah, ah, ah, I don't like this very much. This kind gift is suddenly turned very messy.
00:57:50
Speaker
can't go fetch a towel quickly i don't like your tone but okay i do apologize fine terry go get a towel no no no no damn it this has gone so awry harbor master listen listen listen listen i fucked up okay
00:58:19
Speaker
I wanted to show off because I, you're obviously a seem loving guy. I thought that this would be a good, good way to impress you. And I failed. I'm going to be forthright with this. I wanted to impress you because I wanted to ask you an additional favor, but I thought I was out of goods to give you. So I thought, Hey, what would be great? Some advice and that failed. So I'm just going to come out right and say it. There's a book on your desk right there, that one. Ah.
00:58:47
Speaker
Vera Loenbury presents Danfer for a- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, yes, yes. Can I have that? Planning a vacation, are we? I know what that's like, but they won't they pay me? I could never afford some of those places. I tell you what, you go get a couple more of these fish, you can have the book. Yeah, that's fair. I'll be right back.
00:59:09
Speaker
You scurry through the streets. Welcome back. You want a new fish now. And then you grab a couple fish, you bring him back. He says, well, that was very quick. Wonderful. Couple more tuna. Thank you. You shouldn't have. I mean, I guess you should have because that was the terms of our agreement. But all right. A deal's a deal. Four fish for me and one book for you and everyone's better off for it. Just don't tell anybody that this happened.
00:59:34
Speaker
that you tricked me into spraying guts across my office? Yeah. Who would I tell? I don't know. There's like, there's a lot of people that pass through this port. You know, I have a reputation to uphold. Right. Well, okay. You know what? I honestly, as soon as you're gone, I'm probably going to forget this ever happened. Perfect. Okay. Well, I thank you for the book and for all this information and you know, things are looking up for us. Things are looking up for us. The world is getting better because of people like us.
01:00:04
Speaker
Yep. Exactly. Well, sure we know. Okay. Okay. Bye. Glookey walks out into the street and takes a deep breath of harbor air has a moment of contemplation. I'm like, man, I really go deep into this undercover work. I'm starting to lose my identity. Every lie it eats at you, you know, you're losing a little bit of yourself every day.
01:00:27
Speaker
But maybe with this book, he holds it up, I will become more of a sailor than I pretend to be. Are you taking a look at it now or are you heading back to Birth Old Manor? No, stuff it in my satchel with all the notes that I took. Okay.
01:00:47
Speaker
Well, as you begin the long journey back to your temporary new home, we will cut once again to Funnel and Vedark, who is planning her descent once more into the sewers.
Faunalyn's Social Position and Rumors
01:01:04
Speaker
And I would love to know what exactly, or how exactly, rather, she intends to do this.
01:01:11
Speaker
I start by going up to my room and I walk very, I, you know, I leave glinky and clay very dignified. My posture is normal. But the second no one's eyes are on me, I like run frantically to my room. And I think I'm breathing a little heavy and looking a little stressed out and I'm going to ring for fallow kind of frantically.
01:01:31
Speaker
Sure. You have one of those classic little ropes on your wall and you pull it and you know that somewhere in the house it's connected to a bell. And honestly, you probably haven't thought about it past that. You just know when you pull the rope, Fallow appears three to five minutes later. I'm yanking on it. It's closer to three than it is to five. And she says, now I know this is not as urgent as you're making it out to be, but what is it? Fallow, I'm freaking out.
01:02:01
Speaker
I don't actually know what to do. First of all, I wasn't invited to the party. And secondly, there are rumors about my legitimacy. You'd know what that means for me. It probably means, well, many a bad thing. Nothing good could come of that. Are you certain? Okay, I don't know the specifics of the rumor, except I know that there's apparently like third degree separation
01:02:31
Speaker
that faunal in Vedoc is not legitimate, but obviously that's an ambiguous term, but I'm interpreting it in the worst way possible. And I know that people aren't acting the way they should act when they're around a Vedoc.
01:02:46
Speaker
Well, do you know how far this particular rumor has spread? Because you know how these things go, it seems like. Whatever the... Oh, what's the word? I've never been to a fancy restaurant, so I guess I wouldn't know, but I have been to many a sandwich shop, and perhaps this rumor is merely the sandwich of the day.
01:03:10
Speaker
No, I got the sense that it was an older rumor because Xerxes humiliation knows and Xerxes humiliation hardly knows me So I don't know why he would like this rumor must be fairly widespread for him to have heard it But he said that that was an older rumor because the newer rumor was the menager toil thing Which now I'm rather glad that I leaned into and by the way, we must get you to a nice restaurant I know you like fancy things you would love I'll still use some crows of each a
01:03:32
Speaker
Oh, I've long longed for crows ceviche. Something about raw bird meat cooked with lemon juice just sounds truly scrumptious. Yes, and the fever you get after is kind of titillated. I've heard. I wish to be titillated, but once more in my life. I know. Fallow, I'm sorry that no one is touching you, but I am freaking out here. We can't talk about that right now. I wouldn't say no one, but
01:04:03
Speaker
Who's touching you, Fallow? Are you familiar with the gardener? Woolly? No, Reginald Chapstick. Of course, Woolly. Could you imagine? I want to hear everything about that. I'm not in the headspace to be a good listener because I think I'm having what the plebeians call a panic attack. Have the birth halts said anything about the first rumour that Faunalyn Vadok is illegitimate? I would have told you had I heard anything, I promise you. Okay.
01:04:32
Speaker
Oh, what do I do? I don't know. I just... I have to find this princess. I don't know. I feel like I'm running out of questions. I think the first thing is... you dazzle the shit out of them. Yes. I can dazzle them at the ball. I was invited to the ball. The Prelmy ball. I fucking hate the Prelmies. Can I say fuck? Of course I can. I can do whatever I want. I'm Bonham and fucking Vader.
01:04:56
Speaker
I got invited to the prale me ball, so I can dazzle them there. I think that the best defense is a good offense, as I often say. I think you go there, you dazzle them, you charm them, you make them fall in love with you, and you show your nobility, and they will have no choice but to ignore such vile rumours. Yes, I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Ever since someone tried to kill me, I thought I was cool about it, but I'm so
01:05:26
Speaker
I don't know, like I keep asking Glamekeep, we're friends or not, and he keeps saying yeah, we're friends, but I've asked him like four times if we're friends. He's always said yes, I can stop asking. I don't know what's wrong, I'm doubting everything that I do.
01:05:38
Speaker
Well, the path you're walking, there's no room for doubt. If I may offer us some unsolicited advice. Granted, you've kind of been asking for advice, so I'm going to assume it's solicited. If I might offer some solicited advice, there's no room for doubt. You have to carry on or you have to turn back. You cannot waver. You are so correct, Father. You are, and I will dazzle them. I will dazzle them, and in the meantime, I'm going to arm myself with the most devastating and salacious rumours that I can.
01:06:08
Speaker
Because that is what I must do. Thank you, darling. You are, by the way, regardless of what Clay may say, you are, by the way, my number one best friend. Who's Clay? Florifauna. I'm lying about their identities. Right. I think I knew that. Yeah. I mean, you know, Florifauna is not exactly a realistic- What the fuck is Chapstick? Do these lips look like they know? I don't know. We're all so crusty because it hasn't been invented yet. If only someone would invent Chapstick. Xerxes' humiliation wanted to kiss me earlier. Maybe I can leverage that.
01:06:38
Speaker
Or maybe you wanted to kiss Clay. Maybe I can leverage that. True. Have you considered being pleasant? I consider it sometimes and then it just doesn't play out for me. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. So I'm going to go to the pralemy ball. I am going to roll a natural 20 on snatchedness. I will break all of my ribs if I have to. I don't care anymore. And I am going to be so pleasant. And if they don't like me, then I'm going to blackmail them. And I think that will work.
01:07:08
Speaker
Would you like me to grab the hammer? Not yet, but keep it nearby. I'll need my ribs for what I'm about to do, which is, by the way, crawl into the sewer again. Are you sure that's a good idea? The rumors are spreading. Something about a sex thing? I'm leaning into the sex thing and I think it's good that I am because I think the sex thing will distract from all the other terrible things people are saying about me.
01:07:31
Speaker
I mean, sometimes you have to go right to go left, but I worried you might just be going right in this case. Well, I have to go into the sewer because that's where we would not believe the hot goss that you can get in the sewers. You know what? You're right. I would not believe. I'll tell you it all. I'll tell you it all later after I come and wash the muck off my shoes. What should I wear to the sewers? Something easy to wash, preferably, or something you're okay with never wearing again.
01:08:00
Speaker
That's a good point. And we fade to black as we choose sewers, scoping outfits. Yeah. As, as we fade to black, she says, you also need a new dress for the ball. Of course, I'm sure you know that, but nothing of your current attire will likely do. This is good because I have no money. This is good. We're going, this is good. I work very well under pressure. This is good. The juices are flowing. The desperation is kicking in and I'm going to make magic happen.
01:08:28
Speaker
I need to go check on my black mails. Do you wish to? As we fade to black? Yes. I give Fallow a kiss on her wrinkly little forehead and tell her I love her and then go check to see if anyone has paid me money for secrets. Unfortunately, we fade to black before she can respond, so we'll never know what she says in that moment. She said it back before. I'm sure she'll say it back again. Of course.
01:08:53
Speaker
venture out of the Sapphire District? Or do you? I guess what I need to know is where did you tell Lucerina Helries to leave the Hush money? So Faunalyn will have scoped out already a spot in the like near the walls around the Sapphire District that is really difficult to see from like
01:09:17
Speaker
any vantage point. So it would be along a path, but then if you dip kind of, you know, around some trees into a corner, it would be under a rock in that corner and it would be really hard for people to be peeking at her from like a house or something like that.
01:09:31
Speaker
Yeah, there's this little path often used for romantic walks, that sort of thing. People who wish to have a little bit of privacy from prying eyes. And there's a little statue of this stone angel next to a bench. And there is a loose stone in the wall that you have instructed them to use.
01:09:56
Speaker
I sit and pretend to kind of sit on the bench for a little bit and kind of pretend to read the invitation that I'm holding and go through the contents of my bag and just contemplate the flowers for a while. And when I'm pretty confident that no one is around or watching me, I will stand up, look behind the stone and then walk away in like one smooth motion. I'm not lingering. Do you want to make a perception check as you look for prying eyes? I desperately want to. Oh, not one.
01:10:27
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. I mean, there's no one clearly around. Like if there was someone standing on the path or sitting on the statue, you would see them, obviously, even with a nap one. But you look around, there's a moment of opportunity. Say you fumble with the stone just a little bit, pulling it out and trying to kick it back into place, but sure enough, there is a small baggie.
01:10:49
Speaker
feels like it has coin in it, but because you're trying to move quickly, you don't take the time to check its contents and you start down the path. Yeah. You get about 15, maybe 20 feet down the path when you hear the sound of a match being struck. Oh, nothing is working for me.
01:11:11
Speaker
If you want to be king of the chickens, sometimes you gotta lay with the eggs. Yes! Now, what do we have here? You look pretty fancy for a blackmailer. Not gonna lie, I was expecting someone a little more... unsavory. Blackmail? Who? God, is that what this is?
01:11:35
Speaker
Goodness, when that little boy approached me and told me to pull something out from the stone, I just- I don't know, I- I thought he was playing a game with his little friends or something, I don't- God, blackmail, really? That's awful!
01:11:46
Speaker
You turn around to see this ragged looking halfling. He's got an unshaven like four days growth. He's got a large cigar hanging out of his mouth. He's wearing this big trench coat and he reaches up and appears to grab a hat, though there isn't clearly nothing on his head. And you see that there is a burn mark on his cheek, roughly the width of a match.
01:12:08
Speaker
And he puts this invisible hat back on his head and says, save it, lady. I ain't got no time for dames. Never trust a dame. That's how you get your partner killed. I'm not a dame. I'm a broad. So write that down. He takes out a notepad and writes down something in his notepad. Even worse. There's only one way this is going to go.
01:12:40
Speaker
You're going to give that money back. And you and I, we're going to take a nice short walk down to the captain of God's place and you're going to turn yourself in. Tell him what you've done. Sorry, what I've done is listen to a little boy and go to a stone and pull out. I didn't even know what's in here. I assume like, I don't know, Jax or something, whatever children play. I was going to go. He told me to go. What did he say? He said there's a bush and the bush has like a
01:13:08
Speaker
like a hat under it and I'm supposed to put it under the hat. And then he said if his friend finds it, he loses, I don't know. They were gambling ice cream or something. Make a deception roll with disadvantage. Okay, well, that's a three. So let's pray to God the next thing is a lower.
Blackmail and Detective's Integrity
01:13:23
Speaker
That's a three and a four. I am going to prison. My deception is in fact a plus seven. So that's a 10. He got an 11. If it didn't have disadvantage, we would have tied. Oh, that's brutal.
01:13:36
Speaker
I ain't buying it, lady. This ain't my first trip around the sun. Well, I guess it is because we don't travel around the sun here on ZAF. Yeah, we live on a flat earth. We live on a flat earth. The sun lives above us. It raises a lot of questions about physics and astro stuff, but I ain't got time for that because I lost my watch. Oh, oh, that was funny. Look.
01:13:58
Speaker
I understand what you're accusing me of. I get it. Sometimes when you want to be the prettiest dog at the Rottweiler convention you gotta put on some... dog makeup and...
01:14:09
Speaker
What the hell? No, shut up. That's so rude and weird. I don't like you. First of all, you're accusing me of a crime, but also you called me a dame, and then you said broads are worse, which already was like, I don't know, flirting with sexism, but then you just said that you assumed that because I want money, it has to be because I want to buy makeup for the Rottweiler convention? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm canceling you. No, no, listen.
01:14:33
Speaker
I'm canceling your ass. You are going to be so fucking cancelled in this town. If I have to cancel you from prison, I'll do it. But I'd rather cancel you from out here, but I won't cancel you if you agree not to arrest me. Otherwise, I am telling everyone in the entire world that you're problematic. That's bad for business.
01:14:55
Speaker
I'll tell you what. Sometimes money goes missing. Sometimes... Dames, if you'll pardon my use of what I view to be a perfectly okay term. No. You're not allowed to use it anymore. You have to say women. Or females. Just like my partner always said. Ah shit, I've been shot. By cancel culture. Now, tell me this. A cigar's bad for you because I've been smoking a lot.
01:15:24
Speaker
No, you actually are supposed to smoke two at once because then the smoke enters both of your lungs. Like if you only, you get lopsided if you only smoke one side and then when you die, your lungs look uneven and the coroner laughs at you. He takes his cigar and snaps it in half and then mushes the two ends together to try and light the other half up and then just has them both hanging out of his mouth. Watch this. And he sticks the cigars up into his upper lip. So he looks like a walrus.
01:15:52
Speaker
What am I doing? I'm messing around with a dame. I should have learned long ago. You don't mess with dames. With a who? You're messing around with a who? Listen, I'm willing to cut a deal. Okay. You give me the money and some information. Who? And we can call it even. Who? No one needs to know. I say, I say they ran off, they were wearing a mask. Okay. I managed to recover the money. The lady's happy. Nobody got hurt.
01:16:21
Speaker
Okay. What's your name, by the way? Marlin. Marlin Whisperhand. You think you told me that already. Did you open with that? I didn't. I said something about being king of the chickens. Okay. And then I was going to say the king of the chickens. Chickens are... It would probably be a queen of the chickens. The queen chicken. Because a king would be a rooster. Now who's problematic? No, it's you because you were implying... I think all chickens are kings.
01:16:47
Speaker
Oh, um, okay. I don't want to get into that, but I feel somehow that's maybe problematic too. See, you can't say anything nowadays without offending somebody. No, you can't. I wanted to say that the money, giving up the money, I, I like that we've entered negotiations. This is good. This is fun. I can thrive here. Right. I don't want to give you the money because incidentally, I do need to go buy a dress so that I could be the prettiest one at the wrong island ball. Incidentally.
01:17:16
Speaker
Normally that isn't true, and it's problematic that you assumed it. Well, well, well, look who's king of the chickens has come home to roost. Okay, that was kind of a good callback too. Oh, I wish I could hate you more. Many have tried. Many have failed, except for the broad who killed my partner. Do you want to talk about that? You've brought it up. I can't change. Your partner can change into mulch. The maggots are changing them all the time.
01:17:44
Speaker
It's only been two weeks. It's way too soon. We've got two weeks only! How are you talking about it so much? I'm sorry. I know lots of dead people, if that makes you feel better. I have lots of people in my life have died. Hey, watch this. He takes the two ends of a cigar. He sticks them in his mouth and swallows. Hello. Smoke can't kill you if you eat it. Smoke can't kill you either way. That's a myth. I thought so. Now, where was we?
01:18:16
Speaker
We were saying that I'm going to keep the money and give you information and then you're going to give me information and then we're going to shake hands and then you and I are going to have an ongoing relationship where we feed each other information and I give you some percentage of the profits that I get when I blackmail the people that you give me information about because then we'll have a perpetual relationship and the fun thing is that you'll be the one hired to investigate the blackmail so we won't be in any danger. Disgusting. Yeah.
01:18:44
Speaker
Disgusting. You think I would consort with a criminal such as yourself without taking at least 20 gold pieces off of you? Okay. I tell you what. Counter counteroffer. You give me the money. That's a non-starter. Gotta make sure the client's happy.
01:19:01
Speaker
In exchange, you give me, that's right, you give me the money and then in exchange, you give me information that I'm looking for, but in exchange for that, if I know anything about what you're asking about, I can pull in a couple strings, let you know what I know. Okay. How about this? 10 gold pieces now, because I don't have very much cash on me and there is not very much in this bag. You got 20 gold pieces on you. How the hell would you know that? Because the lady who hired me told me what she put in the bag.
01:19:30
Speaker
Oh, well, I didn't know it was in the bag because I did do the blackmail. We're past that. I knew exactly what was in the bag. Yeah, we know. Okay. All right. Oh my God. Okay. I will give you 40%.
01:19:43
Speaker
of every single blackmail that I do based off of information that you give me. And 20 is a starting bit. If we run this ruse with- I'm gonna stop you right there. I didn't go to detective school to get into bed with criminals like you. I did it to get into bed with beautiful men and women of all shapes and sizes. And that didn't pan out so well for me. It's been a long couple of years. Do you have a light?
01:20:07
Speaker
I'm sorry, I'm really confused. You were just saying that you wanted to give me information and we would swap information. Yeah. I'm running down some jobs of my own and I think you might be able to help me with what I need to know. Oh, interesting. But I'm not looking to set up a long-term partnership here. Really? Because if I, for example, you've done very good detective work catching me the first try. Let's say she gets blackmailed a couple of times before you catch the culprit and the next time is for like a thousand gold pieces, you could have like 400 gold pieces.
01:20:37
Speaker
Do you know what I mean? One more. Give me a persuasion roll. I can't roll for, I can't roll for nothing today. That, that's 12. Just like my partner always said, no can do, muchacho. Oh my God.
Humorous Negotiation and Missing Princess
01:20:53
Speaker
I can't get a read on you. You're like Xavian off the wall, but you have this rigid moral compass. I respect it. I respect it. I'm multifaceted. What can I tell you? And once again, do you have a light? I ate my last match.
01:21:06
Speaker
Oh, um, no, I don't think I have anything for this. He pulls a cigar out of his pocket, sticks in his mouth and then grabs two stones and starts striking them against each other in front of his mouth to try and create a spark. Keep going. No, I mean, you've rejected my offer, which was genius and very clever and deeply generous. Another thing is you don't know who I am. Did you notice that?
01:21:32
Speaker
Faunal and Vedark. Guest of the Berthold's. I know exactly who you are. Did you know? Jacuse! There's a spark, and it catches on the cigar. Sweet, sweet water. Now, as I was saying, I know exactly who you are, and I know who you associate with, and I've got some questions. But first things first, I'm going to need that money before I say anything else. Oh my god, fine.
01:22:00
Speaker
Can I just check to see if there's anything in the bag, like a note or something? Or do you want that too? Just toss over the bag. Oh, it's so boring. Okay, here. He catches it out of midair. Haha. That's right. He rolled for it. If he'd rolled worse, something funny might've happened, but guess what? He rolled a pretty average number and it worked out for him. So he catches it and he sticks it in his pocket and says, thank you kindly. Now, if you don't mind, I've got a couple of questions. Mm-hmm.
01:22:28
Speaker
I need to know about a friend of yours, big cow woman. Duh! Claims to know something about the missing princess. How person? I don't know any cow people. I know tea things, I know half things, I know many, many gnomes. That's actually pretty much it in terms of racial diversity. But I don't know any cow people. She's been staying at your place. I think you know each other.
01:22:52
Speaker
Okay, yes, I don't know why I'm being cagey. I think I'm just— Do you know what? Actually, Marlin, can I tell you, this day has been insane for me. And nothing is going correctly. Do you have days like that, like maybe the day your partner died? Would you believe everything went correctly that day? Until it all went wrong. Oh, so for me, everything's been going wrong all the time. It starts to rain. Clouds roll in, it starts to rain gently. It's a day like any other.
01:23:21
Speaker
his birthday. We celebrate his birthday a lot. She was like every other day. Did he have dementia? Bottom of cake. It was supposed to be his favorite. Favorite? It turned out to be poison flavored. So you said they got shot though. Yeah.
01:23:42
Speaker
They're allergic to bullets, and by bullets I mean bolts, because a little goblin popped out of the top and shot him dead. The poison thing, but someone really wanted them dead. I just fucked up, man. Do you know who did it? Did you catch the man? I'm sorry. It was no man. It was a dame. Oh, I'm smiling. I'm sorry. But do you know what though?
01:24:05
Speaker
You said everything was going well that day and then something went wrong. Everything has been going wrong for me. So my day, if you think about it, is kind of worse. Because everything's been going wrong. But maybe something's about to go right. Like maybe you'll give me the 20 gold back so I can do fun things with it? No. Oh, okay. But you give me information and I won't arrest you and take you to prison.
01:24:27
Speaker
Yes, you want to know about Florafauna. Go ahead. Florafauna. Perfect. All right. What's the deal? Um, okay. Well, we met a few days ago, pretty much completely randomly. We met at a tailor shop and I don't know what they were doing there. Which tailor shop? Uh, Madame Fogmonts. Perfect. Perfect.
01:24:51
Speaker
I know they have a very good work ethic. I approached them because I recently someone attempted to murder me and in the process of that someone who works at the house that I'm staying at was killed. So I was looking to do a little favor for my hosts and get them new stuff because as you we probably don't know because you've probably never been rich enough to have servants but onboarding is a nightmare and I'm very good at it so I thought that I would handle it for her. I approached Flora Fauna and then
01:25:18
Speaker
Pretty much it's just been business as usual. We've gone around. They're quite reliable in terms of punching things in the head, and lately I've had more reason to do that. So, you know, they've been kind of a bodyguard slash acquaintance. We're not even really friends, so I don't know a lot. And what do they know about the recently disappeared royal?
01:25:42
Speaker
They haven't spoken about it much. They did bring it up once. Oh, I think I brought it up because I was speculating, as I want to do. I love hot gauze. So, Toss and you have my way. But I brought it up and then Florafauna started sobbing uncontrollably. And then I asked, why are you sobbing uncontrollably? And they said, I just love princesses so much and it hurts me personally when they're not where they're supposed to be.
01:26:07
Speaker
and something like that. I didn't remember, but she was very sad and it was hard to get a straight answer out of them.
City's Chaos and Florafauna Suspicions
01:26:13
Speaker
And then, um, give me a deception rule. That's exactly how I remember it. Yeah. I'm telling the truth.
01:26:22
Speaker
Oh, finally, that's gonna be something higher than 20. That's gonna be a 16 plus seven, which is 23. Interesting. Because I have it from one Arden Duthain, captain of the Kingsguard if you're not, or the Cityguard if you're not.
01:26:39
Speaker
Familiar that this flora fauna came into his office a few days ago, claiming that, and he flips through his notebook a couple times, an owlbear took the princess, and they seem quite certain of this. That's very silly, because there are no owlbears in the city, except maybe the zoo, right? The whole city's a zoo, and we're all chimpanzees.
01:27:06
Speaker
Zinger. Nice one. Throwing poop at each other. And don't you know, that's how you get sepsis. Throwing poop in a hospital. And pink eye. He starts scratching his eye. Ain't that the truth? No, don't touch. Don't stop. You might have poop on your hands. Don't stop it. No, stop. I feel so good. Is it itchy? Oh God. Okay. Open it wide. I'm going to look. Oh, oh, Marlin. I'm being so straight with you. There's plus it's crusty.
01:27:36
Speaker
The whole damn city is crusty. Wayne to ooze pus upon us all. Guess I was just the first in the line of fire. It's been an honest serving with you. Nobody oozes pus like a dame, am I right? Nah, it just seems a little distasteful. Okay, all right, I don't know, I'm off today. And now I'm just finding out that my acquaintance Florifauna is apparently, I don't know, speaking to guards about owlbears, which is clearly insane.
01:28:06
Speaker
Tell you what, just like a snowman with a magic hat and... Let me tell you, if there's anyone who knows about magic cats in this damn city... It's me. But just like a snowman with a magic hat, heart full of magic and whimsy, the possibility of change. Perhaps this snowman's heart can turn to hot cocoa. Oh, and you can start doing crimes with me.
01:28:35
Speaker
By which I mean, perhaps we could set up some sort of longer term arrangement.
01:28:44
Speaker
I'm not going to do crimes with you. I'm not going to do crimes. Let's be clear about one thing. If there's one thing I don't do, it's have healthy relationships with women. If there's a second thing, it's crimes, but I'll tell you this. Your friend's suspicious. Don't care for her. You keep an eye on her. Maybe ask a couple of questions for me. Sure. Like what do you think of princesses and don't cry this time?
01:29:11
Speaker
Mmm, more like, what the fuck is she talking about alabears for? Okay. And perhaps I can feed you a couple peanuts in return. Chimp to chimp. Yes. To chimp seen peanuts, they might be more of a... ...elephant thing. I don't know. I've never met a chimpanzee. Elephants. Never liked them. By the way, you're only smoking one again, and I told you you should smoke two.
01:29:39
Speaker
Sister, I ain't got the stones. And he looks down at the two rocks at his feet. So, little good gesture. What did you want to know about? I want to know. Hmm. Okay. Number one. Have you heard anything suspicious about the Pralene family? Pralene family? Can't say I have. Sound like nuts to me.
01:30:08
Speaker
Okay. Then that one doesn't count as one of my questions because you didn't give me an answer. It counts. No, no, it doesn't count. It counts. It counts. Oh my God. Okay. Um, who's asking about chlorofauna? It's poor taste to bring up your client, but city guard regular in these parts thought he recognized it from the night the princess went missing. Interesting. I'm sure that's wrong because chlorofauna does many noble things. Like, I don't know.
01:30:37
Speaker
donating to charity and helping people cross the street, so I doubt she would be anywhere, C.D. Name one charity. No, I don't know any charities. I don't donate to any. Name one street. I don't know any streets. I don't walk anywhere. Honestly, it's the most sensical thing you've said all day. I make other people pull me. Sometimes carry. Floravana's very strong. Okay, how many more questions do I get? That was two. I'll throw in one more.
01:31:06
Speaker
Three is a good number. A baker's duo? So true. What's the deal with Elektra Voon? What's an Elektra Voon? Oh my god, does that one count? Three's the luckiest number that there ever was, except for when the first two are you and your partner and the third's an assassin in a cake. But I'm afraid your time's hour and up.
01:31:29
Speaker
Okay, so my time's hour is up, that's so true. So the thing is, you're going to go away and we're going to pretend this never happened, except sometimes when we see each other, we'll feed each other tidbits, yes? Sooner the better. Okay. Why don't we meet here again? Two days time. I have a party in two days time that I can't miss, so three days time. I've got a lunch that I just can't get out of. Okay, four days time. Four days time it is.
01:31:54
Speaker
and he pulls his hat and flourishes in front of his face as if he's about to like disappear but you just see his face through the hat and he just stands very still for a second and says damn stupid wizards and turns around and begins to walk away what that I checked out it looks really bad
01:32:14
Speaker
I'll pour some gasoline on it. That's right, we got gasoline in this one. We don't know what to do with the stuff, but we got a lot of it. We have refined fuel sources. All over the place, those offshore refineries, terrible for the environment. We just have the stuff.
01:32:29
Speaker
Barred soup this week is brought to you by the Shell Corporation. Shell, making it better tomorrow. And Funnel, as
Strategizing Against Kidnappers
01:32:35
Speaker
you walk down the path, you are going to run into both Glimky and Clay, who are returning from their errands that you haven't gotten even close in the time that they've done their whole thing. You know, that's on me for taking the time to do some heart to hearting with the trusted confidant. Honestly, I should just bear the burden of my problems by myself. And that's a good lesson. Hello.
01:32:59
Speaker
Florifauna and regional chapstick. I would call you by your real names, but now there's a spooky man trailing me who wants to know information on Florifauna, so I'll never say the word clay again because I'm worried about giving them information about you. What? Is he still here? I don't know. No, he kept doing visible. He was this funny little guy smoking two cigars and he had
01:33:19
Speaker
active pink guy and he was touching his eye and it was trying to get him to stop but he just kept rubbing it and then I don't know I'm worried he brushed against me or something he was deeply infectious and then he had a he had a hat that was invisible that does sound like someone I know that's Marlin what's his name? Marlin Whisperhan? Detective with the invisible hat yes that was a 15 on Khan by the way
01:33:46
Speaker
Your eyes starts to feel itchy, but it's probably just in your head. It's just, I'm like blinking as I talk to them. I'm like, yes! Oh my god, don't touch your face. I'm not going to touch anything ever again. I'm going to use the end of my umbrella to rub it. Sure. Oh no.
01:34:01
Speaker
Okay. Yes. His name was Marlin Whisperhans. And he said that he, I don't know exactly who hired him because he was cagey, but he said that the city guard recognized Clay from the night that the princess was kidnapped. And now Marlin Whisperhans has been brought on maybe by the guard, but it was a little unclear, but I think maybe by the guard, maybe by the head guard.
01:34:21
Speaker
to inquire about Clay. So I told him that your name is Florifana and that we're not friends at all and that I don't know anything about you, which of course isn't true because we're good friends and I know a lot about you. Actually, I don't know that much about you. Do you have a middle name? Do you have a last name? What's your favorite color? What's your birthday? What are you? Oh my god. Clay Campbell. And this is your best friend? My second best friend. Professional best friend. Getting a lot of attitude from my third best friend over here. No, I'm just saying. Interesting. Watch it or you'll be fourth.
01:34:50
Speaker
Maybe fit. Careful. The point is, they had a lot of questions and I deflected very well, but also he knows about the blackmail and I almost got in trouble and today is the worst day of my entire life. He knows about the blackmail. That's hardly the most important thing, Clay. He knows about you.
01:35:07
Speaker
Oh, I think I know what guard he's talking about. Should we kill? No, I tried to go and tell the guard about what I saw that night. This was before we formally met, I think. But Glimpy was there, and the guard didn't believe me about the Albearers, but now we know that there's an actual connection.
01:35:29
Speaker
Well, this might be a good thing. As long as we can keep the blame off of clay, it goes to show that at least they're taking that lead a little bit more seriously. Maybe they'll find something with their resources.
01:35:41
Speaker
Could be a good thing. It would be a terrible thing. Again, as long as the blame doesn't land on Clay. I agree. We've got to keep Clay's name out of it. It would be a terrible thing if anyone but us finds the princess, but I agree. We've got to keep the blame off of Clay. But the real kidnappers still trying to kill me, right? Because they killed all of the other members of my friends. Oh god, yes. I had almost completely forgotten about the horrible murders that happened. I was gonna go buy a dress.
01:36:09
Speaker
for the party? I feel that we have bigger problems. Maybe we can get the detectives help to see who murdered my friends. Because if he's looking into me, maybe he can help find out who did it. Oh, that's so clever, Claire. Okay, okay. So I'm supposed to meet Marlon Whisperhans at the same spot in three days' time, at the same time, and... Four days' time.
01:36:34
Speaker
four days, all right, three days time he had a lunch. No, you're right. I wasn't here, but I think he's busy that day. Okay. I'm supposed to meet him in four days time and I'm going to tell him information about flora fauna. Obviously we
Reflections and Shipping Connections
01:36:50
Speaker
all be lies or half lies or whatever, but I'm supposed to tell him what you know about owlbears and why you're asking about owlbears is supposed to be the thing that I find out for the next few days. So I'll go and I'll do that. And he said that he would answer my questions in exchange. So
01:37:04
Speaker
I'll get him to tell me. What did we want to know? Can you get him to help investigate who killed Una and Riggs and Patrick? That's such a good point. And then, for that matter, what are we doing about the fact that someone wants to kill you? So far, we've not done anything. Well, the menage a trois rumors are in full swing. So from now on, come have sleepovers upstairs. It doesn't matter anymore. I think we should sleep in the same place and like take turns watching.
01:37:32
Speaker
Okay, that's a good idea. It's nice to have friends to wash my back. Thank you. Of course. Friends have sleepovers too, so it'll be fun. We can like, I don't know, eat snacks and talk about things. Ooh, that does sound fun. You're only invited if you can ditch the attitude. I have no attitude. I sensed a toot. I got an attitude. Why would I have an attitude? Insight check. Does Blinky have an attitude? Oh, that's a three.
01:37:56
Speaker
I don't have anything nice today. That's a 9. Do I have an attitude? Would it glimpy roll for attitude? Yeah, deception or persuasion, I guess, right? I guess deception or persuasion. I mean, what did you roll? I rolled a 9. Yeah, okay. Well, I don't have an attitude. Oh, okay. That's my bad. I'm really wrong about everything today. Also, I don't know if I can blackmail anymore because I just got caught for blackmailing. Also, I think the person who tried to kill me wanted to be dead because I was blackmailing them. It's I should
01:38:24
Speaker
drop it. Should I get a job? I don't. Okay, what did you two accomplish today? I thought that we have a job now. Your job is to save the princess now. Find the princess. It doesn't pay very well yet. Well, banking on that payday more and more every day. But then, you know, think of it like an investment into your future. I don't believe in investment. I believe in taking all of your money and burying it under a tree. And then when you need it, you dig it up. Okay, well, then let's go find that tree.
01:38:54
Speaker
You like trees! The boon. You can get whatever money you want from that, but we need to find the princess first. Yes. Okay. So actually, speaking of that, if we don't find the princess and I don't get the boon, I think I'll maybe just die. I don't know. Like, it's quite severe. So I'm glad that we're working on it. And I think we have a cracking team here. Now, speaking of finding the princess, please God, tell me that the two of you accomplished something to that end.
01:39:19
Speaker
Oh, right. Would you find out at the harbor, Quincy? Did they have any ships? Quincy digs out his book and his notes. Yeah, so I mean I guess he was a little curious why I didn't show up for several days.
01:39:35
Speaker
But he follows through on his word, and we've got the list of everything that came through on the 13th of Old Jewry last month, and as well as the five ships under the Humiliation Fleet that start with K. And I also got this little book that might come in handy as we make our journey over to the Anchor's Chain. But I don't know if any of these sound familiar to you, but
01:39:56
Speaker
Under the humiliation ships, we have the Kraken's Grasp, Karma's Lament and Karma's Boyfriend, Kill Kenny's Ruined, and the Kingfisher. I don't know. Clay, do any of those sound familiar to you? Do any of them sound familiar to me? Or match the description of a ship that I saw on the night? At this point, you just know it starts with a K. Or I think it starts with a K. Damn.
01:40:19
Speaker
But like by size of ship, like I saw the ship, right? But I just don't know the name of it. Would these ships be like different sizes? Like big ships, small ships? That would match what I remember. You're not much of a ship head, not really your scene. I will point out the ships that departed, there was like information on them.
01:40:41
Speaker
as like kind of where they've been, like sort of import export type deals, where they had come from. The other five, you did not get any information about their business or location. That wouldn't be information that the Harvard Master would keep. That'd be more of a humiliation house matter. So you've got the names. You're probably going to have to do some more digging to find out what those ships are used for, where they regularly go. Okay.
01:41:07
Speaker
Fondland, do you recognize any of these names? Some of the captains of the ships. Obviously there's Erassus Humiliation. I don't know if you're familiar with them. Oh my god! Erassus Humiliation! He's not a cuckold, but he's the cuckholder. Okay.
01:41:23
Speaker
The vindication. May I just say the vindication that I have been doing bits about cuckoldry and hot goss since the beginning. And what do we find now? Nine episodes in, we find that cuckoldry is relevant and hot goss is an important means to an end the vindication. You all thought bottle in was silly. No, I was genius. Carry on. Okay. Well, maybe that's a good place to start. That's the captain of the King Fisher.
01:41:51
Speaker
Okay, that's the brother of Xerxes humiliation. And again, humiliation is the house whose crest was used to try to kill me. Another one that sounded familiar for some reason was Captain Pelchin. I don't know if that sounded familiar or just because Pelchin is such a weird name that I thought that it sounded familiar. I don't know. Something just occurred to me. Okay, this is maybe a swing, a big swing. I had assumed that someone tried to kill me for various personal reasons. But
01:42:19
Speaker
What if the reason they tried to kill me is because something to do with the Vedox involvement in shipping? Because the
Murder Theories and Business Motives
01:42:28
Speaker
humiliations are involved in shipping, right? And all of this has to do with ships and taking away. And I assumed, I don't know, I was assuming that someone tried to kill me. Can you remind me, the night that they tried to kill me in session zero, I think the two guys did actually make it clear why they wanted to kill me. Is that the case?
01:42:48
Speaker
Let me go into my mind palace, and by that I mean my extensive falters. Hey, Faunalyn and Clay both have people that want to kill them. Oh my god! Best friends! Yeah, we can bond over it. Yeah, we should probably bond if we're going to be calling each other best friends.
01:43:09
Speaker
So, as you were wandering around the drifting terraces, a gruff voice who you had originally hoped, maybe even assumed, but had hoped at least, was that of Xerxes' humiliation, said, I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show up.
01:43:28
Speaker
There was a rough-looking man who you recognized he had actually been a waiter at the previous evening's affair. I didn't know that. And he was accompanied by a halfling with an undercut and spiky hair. The human man pointed at a flower with small yellow petals, told you it was called evening primrose, and that it's actually a weed.
01:43:54
Speaker
He then compared it to you and said you needed to be pruned. They did not say who sent them in any capacity. In my mind, they had said who had sent them, but I'm just now reflecting that I might have completely filled in the blanks. I don't believe they did. Oh, actually, okay, this is actually huge because I have completely been overlooking the fact that someone might want to off a vadar, not because of all the shitty things that I do, but because of the connection to trade and
01:44:24
Speaker
humiliation house and exporting. I don't know. What do you think? Okay. I think it could be related who tried to kill you and then the princess is kidnapping and all this shipping business. Yes. So you're saying this is like a corporate thing, not just a, this is like a business move people are making. I don't know if it's a business move. What would, if the daughter of a major shipping magnet was killed
01:44:54
Speaker
What would that mean for others' ability to ship? Probably not much, right? Like it shouldn't.
01:45:01
Speaker
The humiliation ships should operate as normal, right? Unless they thought I might know something. As a vedoc about shipping? I don't know. Maybe I'm making myself too important. I have narcissistic tendencies. Hmm. Don't know what the connection is, but I think there could be a connection there to look into if you remember something important that they would want to kill you for. Yes. Okay.
01:45:24
Speaker
I'm curious to know why, yeah, why would they want to kill you? But beyond your connection to what, the humiliations? Like, what could you possibly have threatened them? What's the Vedark's relationship with humiliation again? Just that they're both in shipping? I don't know much beyond the fact that I know that the Vedark's, you know, we export massively. We're massively in control of like something like 50% or something of
01:45:51
Speaker
product from Ulefa Fayed. And then the humiliations ship your goods? I believe so, yes. They, we found out that they deal with, you know, our lumber and whatnot. Hmm. We do have a lead with the anchor's chain. We know one humiliation, the cock older. Yes. Well, yes. And maybe we could speak to you about the Kingfisher. Also Xerxes, his brother. I actually have kind of an in with the Xerxes. I was really weird today, but I'm, I think I can fix it.
01:46:18
Speaker
And I mean, if this is some sort of plot from within their family to kill you, we may be walking directly into the hornet's nest. But if this relationship is still good, and maybe if nothing else, they could give us a ride to the anchor's chain on one of their boats. Someone might be trying to kill me again. It hadn't actually occurred to me that they might try again. This is, I think, genuinely like the second worst day of my life. Hmm. That a pretty good life then, I guess.
01:46:48
Speaker
Okay, well, the worst day was very, very bad. Okay. And I guess that one was pretty recent too, right? Oh, no, then I guess this is the third worst day ever. I forgot that someone tried to kill me. Third worst day of my life. Thank you for reminding me. What could you possibly be talking about? Sorry, do you not also have a cryptic and complicated backstory that you allude to obliquely? Do you not also have tragedies in your past?
01:47:09
Speaker
Well, I'm just confused because we were just talking about the murder. I just assumed that those were the two worst days of your life. I was not even thinking about the murder when I was talking about the worst day. That was okay. There's the worst. No, the worst day was really bad. And then there was the second worst day, which was being almost murdered. And then there was the time I was set up on my bandits, which was also very bad. Okay, nevermind. Okay, this is like top 10 worst days of my life though. So your life been like, I just imagine you like, I don't know, like making flower crowns and
01:47:40
Speaker
reading little library books under a tree. Yeah. It's been like 80 pretty good years. Yeah. Oh my God. You're 80 years old. Yeah. Round about there. Yeah. Whoa. I for sure assumed you were like, I don't know, 25. Oh no. Well, I'm like 25 in your years. So we're the same age. Yeah.
Party Preparations and Social Strategies
01:48:00
Speaker
I just turned 83 this year. Congratulations. Yeah. I'm 25. I'm a hundred and something. So I'm the oldest. Oh, okay.
01:48:10
Speaker
They don't think it makes me the leader, but... I guess on the grand scheme of things, maybe, you know, you've had, like, almost a century of pretty good lit years, right? We're really- what is this agenda of yours to diminish the badness of my days? No, no, I'm trying to say, hey, chin up there, pal. Oh, okay. No, actually, that's nice. I need to hear that sometimes. Thank you. And finally, we'll physically raise her chance. I feel snootier this way. It's helping. Is it morning time? Or is it night time?
01:48:37
Speaker
It's been a thousand years. This day has been so long for Faunalyn. I will say it is around noon by the time people finished walking with Xerxes and said about their errands and returned. It is lightly raining while you've been chatting. It is about noon, give or take. The party is a little over two days away, you know, the evening, two days from this evening.
01:49:07
Speaker
Okay, well, we definitely have some- do you think the humiliations will be at this party, right? Yeah, no, Xerxes humiliation is my date. Oh, right. Yeah, no, I'm going to have lots of opportunities to talk with the humiliation family. So I'll ask him how to harass this and his shit. And how many plus ones do you get? Well, you can be part of my retinue, so I don't know, as many as I want, I guess. And the retinue is? I don't know, I actually have no idea. You left off all right, we just called them observance. Oh, okay.
01:49:36
Speaker
It's better in Ula Thothayat, it's much less confusing. Anyway, so you guys will come to the party with me. You might have to like stay in the service. Like you won't be expected to come into the...
01:49:48
Speaker
ball area. So if we want you in there, we'll have to do some kind of ruse where you like, I don't know, dress up as... Nah, we'll figure it out. Don't worry about that. We'll get in. Yeah, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. You focus on you, we'll get it out, right Clay? We'll get in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get in there. I believe in you. I believe in you 100%. So then the only issue is I didn't get any hot gossip about the Pralleys. And I have frankly no money to bother for it with.
01:50:10
Speaker
We'll get the goss at the Pramis. You think people all go there just to hang out and be friendly? I bet every one of the other rich families are there just to see how much better you are than they are. That's such a good point, and I am frankly the best. So servants love to talk. Oh, that's our way in. Ooh, perhaps one of you can work that angle to get Prami hot goss. If I may say,
01:50:36
Speaker
come in hot and talk mad shit. You can tell them that I'm all the birth oaths in alcoholic, for example. Just go for the grudge effect and they'll return in time. And I don't know, I have to spend the next two days making a dress because I can't afford to buy one. So. How much is it? How much is a dress? Well, can't we just go back to Clay's place of work? Maybe get a favor. But I'm full of months. I guess I could ask.
01:51:03
Speaker
Don't tell her it's for me, because the last time I saw Madam Pokemon, I threatened her livelihood, and said very hurtful things. Okay, so Clay, just sweep up some scraps, we'll make something. Okay. We'll make something.
01:51:17
Speaker
Yeah, I actually have been collecting scraps, so I actually have bags at the guild for my art supplies. I have materials, it's okay. Can you steal some silk or something? I know you steal princesses, so stealing some silk would be fine, right? Jeez. Only scraps of silk, but we couldn't work with it, I think. Okay, you'll steal a princess for what? What did you steal a princess for? Was it money, actually? I didn't know it was a princess.
01:51:44
Speaker
No, but I mean like what incentivized you to steal a princess? Gold. Nice. Okay. Were you normally that motivated by coin or was there like a... Were you broke or something, you know? I just needed some extra money. I would just... The guild membership is a little steep. What guild is this? The artist guild. Did Gloomkeep and I know Clay was an artist? I don't think so. Gloomkeep.
01:52:14
Speaker
I hate that you two hang out without me. If you say I did, then I did. Because we're best friends. Yeah. That's right, Clay Campbell is an artist. Okay, I hate that Glimpy knew and I didn't, so let's never have that happen again. But that's really cool. I saw your drawings of the owl bear and I thought they were very nice. The point is, you would steal a princess with some money.
01:52:42
Speaker
Blinky, I swear to god there's a tood today and you're not going to gaslight me into not thinking there's a tood. I can tell- What's our beef, Blinky? What's the beef? I just don't understand how she became your best friend when me and Clay have gone way back. I want to say that green isn't your color, but it really really is. I will just say that jealousy isn't your emotion.
01:53:05
Speaker
I'm not, hey, I'm not jealous. I'm just trying
Conflict Resolution and Cooperation
01:53:08
Speaker
to point out that like, you can say you're best friends and being best friends are two very different things. Guys, we can all be best friends. We're the rumpest trio. No, I don't want to be best friends with Glimky anymore. Glimky and I are colleagues on a good day. We've been colleagues this whole time with a shared goal of getting the princess.
01:53:31
Speaker
You know what, Binky? My life has sucked since I met you. It sucked a little bit before then, too, but it has continued to suck since I met you. Do you think my life has been better since all this started? Guys, guys, please. You're welcome! That's the form of an effect!
01:53:48
Speaker
The day I got here, I got hit by your cart. I almost got arrested because of Clay. But, you know, at least she has the conscience enough to feel bad about the princess thing. You seem to be in this entirely for yourself. Absolutely, I made this for myself. Do you think?
01:54:04
Speaker
Let me just say that the idea of a noblewoman having a shitty life is not that compelling to me, okay? I don't have a lot of sympathy for her specific plight because I'm very much on a plight of my own. And I will point out that you made a profit from being hit by my carrot and I have never gotten you arrested. So, chew on those marbles. I'm so mad. This is, for sure, the third worst day of my life. Contender for second at this point. Guys. Fondland.
01:54:33
Speaker
We just need to work together to get the princess and then we can all go back to our regular shitty lives. Yes, we'll work together and we'll find the princess and then we'll, I hope we never speak again. Me in the gnome of man. Okay, let's do it. Let's make a dress. Ah, you were supposed to apologize and be like, no wait, let's be friends. Your inability to follow social scripts is so cool, I hate it. Okay, let's go make a fucking dress.
01:55:04
Speaker
Making your way back down this staircase yet again, the rain slowly intensifies. But before long, you find yourself on the doorstep of Madame Fobelmoles. Faunalyn, are you planning on going in or do you worry that the vibes are rancid? I am going to sit on the curb and let the rain
01:55:31
Speaker
flatten my wig there are tracks in my pasty makeup i'm in full wallow mode as you sit there a carriage comes careening past you hits a puddle and just douses you in water well i hope it eases the itch of my pink eye
01:55:52
Speaker
Clay and Glimkey, you push the door open, and as you enter the warmth of the dress shop, several oil lanterns are lit, casting it in a nice warm orange light. You make your way upstairs to gather your scraps, to make a dress fit for whatever faunalyn is at this very moment.
01:56:21
Speaker
And that
Session Reflections and Future Plans
01:56:22
Speaker
is where we will end tonight's session of bard soup. Bye-bye.
01:56:43
Speaker
Hey, hey, hey. Thanks a bunch for listening to Chapter 9 of Bard Soup and close to the Big Ten. How exciting. We're gonna have a Big Ten party, so, uh, and you're all invited. Yep, you're all invited. Anyway, as always, I'm your miserable Dungeon Master, Zach Meekle, joined by my three lovely companions, Prima Zhao as Clay Campbell, Jordan Johnson as Glimky Treefellow, and Shannon Meekle as Faunalyn Vadak.
01:57:10
Speaker
New episodes coming out every two weeks, so I guess that puts us at the 19th. And in the meantime, consider following us on X, Instagram, TikTok, bard underscore soup for all of those, and we'll see you in two weeks. Okay, bye-bye.
01:57:33
Speaker
Well hello young ma- nope, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,
01:58:04
Speaker
I'm the harbor master. Hello, young master. How can I do you today? A lot of people calling people young master in the Pearl District. That's not how I sounded before, but you know what? Life goes on and life goes hard, and sometimes this is South Water Jack all over again.