Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Relationship Conflict
38 Plays9 months ago
An honest conversation about the sources of conflict in a relationship and how to find resolution.
Recommended
Transcript
Humorous Introduction and Sponsorship
00:00:01
Speaker
This episode is brought to you by Gay Sex. Even if you don't want to do it, it's fun to say. Now you try. gay Sex The world is changing
00:00:17
Speaker
I can say anything I want You can't stop me You can't cancel me I blame it on my mental health.
00:00:32
Speaker
It's just comedy.
Personal Reflections on Friendship and Availability
00:00:36
Speaker
I am, I am a people of peace. Had to set my alarm to M-A-T-T. Had to set my clock to Matt because his schedule is the only thing that matters.
00:00:50
Speaker
but I only gave you, what, 126 available hours this week? boy do you find me to be a conflicted pain in the ass as a friend?
Are Opinionated People Combative?
00:01:03
Speaker
that what you're saying? Or as a co, as a business, I guess we're business partners on this one, aren't we? yeah dude. Do I find you that way? I think there are things I could pick apart about you, like if I think about it, but I'm not not swimming in it every day.
00:01:18
Speaker
the you you like and Do you think yourself as a combative person? If I ask myself, one of your one of your best friends, your wife and your kids, would you get two out of three would say you're combative, zero out of three, or three out of three?
00:01:31
Speaker
Because I know it's one out of three, bitch. Oh, one out of three is like more combative? Is what you're saying? I'm saying one out three it would be me saying yes. and You think your wife and kids would be like, you're combative in relationship. Combative? I don't know if that's the right term. Do you mean opinionated or do mean...
00:01:49
Speaker
Well, think of a like there's you I'm not saying that all combative ideas and people and things are useless.
Authenticity in Emotional Expression
00:01:56
Speaker
Well, you'll express your mind even if it's uncomfortable, I think is what I'm saying.
00:02:01
Speaker
If you feel like it's the right thing to do or a point you need to get across. I might shy away from that.
00:02:09
Speaker
Yeah. I don't know. i'm up there. I'm definitely up there. It's difficult. I'd say I'm high on reactivity. Like I'll react and then like like a psycho and not in in a violent way, but just in a sort of pinyated cock way.
00:02:22
Speaker
And then I'll recover. I'll recover nicely. But that also has its strengths too, because I think when you do tell somebody what what they mean to you and that you're proud of them or whatever, that means a lot.
00:02:34
Speaker
You come hard on that side of it too. Coming from a direct person, that means a lot. right Yeah. I'm at, why am I asking this Lance?
The Role of Conflict in Growth
00:02:43
Speaker
Cause as I roll through life and embark on new relationships and new business partnerships and this podcast, and I wonder if um I had a conversation with a college friend many years ago, Ian, and he was, he was adamant that like conflict is, is good because it's, ah it's like how, how you grow and how relationships grow. And, and I was like, you're, you're crazy.
00:03:08
Speaker
i don't know if i I don't know if you remember that dude, but we always had sort of philosophical conversations, but I was like, you're crazy. what It was like, you're just seeking out conflict. I always was like, people are just seeking conflict in every situation. Like there are people that seek conflict and people that seek resolution or people that just shy away from taking a side.
00:03:28
Speaker
I know what you're going to say, bro. Well, no, I mean, I think that dude likes to debate. I think he likes to have heated conversations, but I don't, I don't know that that's the rich kind of conflict that strengthens a relationship.
00:03:40
Speaker
but so Well, I guess as I get older, I'm starting to agree with them, but it's gotta be like constructive, right? mean, I came out, I came, I'm coming out of a conflicted relationship that led to sort of like fighting and resentment and on both sides.
The Balance between Conflict and Harmony in Relationships
00:03:55
Speaker
And I,
00:03:56
Speaker
And I go, shit, what happened there? was a great relationship, two two great people by all accounts. And yet the relationship deteriorated. But I also don't want to get back in other relationships. And the same thing with like work, you know, when you look at like fucking corporate fucking people and hard people at work and you just want to rebel against that. But I'm like,
00:04:17
Speaker
What's the good part of it? Do you want to get into other relationships and because mike just because it's easy? I don't think anyone or a lot of people would be like, well, just because something's easy is usually not fruitful in the end.
00:04:31
Speaker
So that's what I'm wrestling with right now. Life is a mystery, I don't know. I think you want chemistry to be there, which can make a lot of things feel easier, including arguments.
00:04:42
Speaker
But in the absence of any anything heated ever, you're probably looking at a situation of low expectations yeah or no expectations, which how long does that last?
00:04:57
Speaker
And ah how is that real? or Or yeah, can that be sustained? You and I, if money was on the line with this thing and we were trying to make a living, I bet you and I'd have a lot more arguments over what's being put out there.
Financial Stakes and Relationship Dynamics
00:05:11
Speaker
I think we'd have a lot more opinions, both of us. I think you might be challenging some of my terrible commercials and other things like that. And I'd be challenging all the times you call people f***gots.
00:05:23
Speaker
And...
00:05:26
Speaker
You guys should hear my off-air F-bomb count. It's like thousands. oh That's the conflict for me is like at all, out you know, like if I don't have a read on someone, just drop the F-bomb on them.
00:05:41
Speaker
That's where I go from. But no, if we had shit on the line, you know, your kids tuition for school or whatever the fuck on the line, dude, we would be much more intense with each other.
00:05:53
Speaker
In a good way. It'd be good. Probably, yeah. What's the line, you know, like, and don't know, conflict seems like a negative word, but like, what's the line of like constructive, ah I don't know what you call it, like pushback or just like out and out, just sort of restrictive non non, like, you know, a conflict that doesn't advance anything, would either either it doesn't make a relationship better or business better or podcast better.
00:06:23
Speaker
Like, have you ever felt that? are there I'm sure there's people, I might even have one, I might even know one where you just feel like the endless source of like conflict and self self like propositioning, their point of view is almost like useless because you're just like, yeah, i can't listen to this anymore.
00:06:37
Speaker
Why don't you answer that so I don't look like the opinionated cock face? You're too late, Lance. Nobody likes you. Not one single person. Shut your fucking mouth.
00:06:50
Speaker
Well, I can, I'm not going to say, I'm not going to talk about who anyone that ah that we know. i mean, I can talk about my personal experience. Pussy. Yeah. So, well, that what I'm talking about there, like somebody who has a strong point of view and is not afraid to like speak it or not afraid to give you advice unsolicited or not afraid to be like, this is what I think about every situation.
00:07:11
Speaker
I don't know if that's conflict, but I tend to just not, i like those people and those conversations just kind of make me feel awkward. So I tend to kind of. Yeah. Walk away from them.
00:07:23
Speaker
there There's like a special group of people that can do that or express their opinions, but not make you not like alienate you. And totally, I want to be one of those people like so that whatever relationship I'm in, somebody can tell me that.
00:07:39
Speaker
i mean, because there was a problem my in my marriage when we when we were going to counseling where it was like if there's if I didn't like the opinion of it would be like i would It would be like, whatever I said in return, be like, well, you're just getting ah defensive.
00:07:56
Speaker
And so I think the problem was I wasn't expressing my whatever resentment or or issue I had before, but then would come out when there was an issue like proposed to me. So then it'd be like, well, fuck you. And then that would escalate this conflict into something negative.
00:08:08
Speaker
Yeah. But there's also like in conflict where it's just like someone's constantly like, well, I don't like this. i don't like this. I think we should do this. I don't think we should do this. We should do this. this is how I would do it. And you're just like, I can't listen to you anymore.
00:08:20
Speaker
I'm not saying my marriage was that way. It was a different vibe, but there are people like that, like the work there. you just Oh my God, there are. Yeah. like ah as much as I hate hedging language from an entertainment perspective or from a podcast perspective, it's good to have strong opinions on a podcast. But if you don't have that in your real life when somebody's talking through an issue, if you're not like they're not attempting to see both sides of it before they, as they're giving you advice, I should say, that's weird.
00:08:46
Speaker
Here's what you gotta do, Matt. You gotta to walk in there and you gotta fucking go, you know, that would be weird. And there are people that do that. I'm not a big fan. I'm not a big fan.
00:08:57
Speaker
Dad. I'm not a big fan, dad. I've noticed you have, I don't like, especially back when I was wrestling with the separation. And I don't know if you purposely do this, but I've noticed you, I, now when I think about it, you're, you kind of will propose a question instead of being like, you shouldn't do it that way. You might be either have you thought about, or is there,
00:09:20
Speaker
is there a chance that or something like that? So it's like you're placing something. I mean, you're helping a friend. It wasn't like what you should do is, but you might be like, have you thought about, I'm trying to think example, but yeah. And maybe, maybe that's like the way you do it.
00:09:36
Speaker
Maybe that just comes with years of being in a fucking shitty,
00:09:43
Speaker
It's probably rubbed off on me from my spouse. Can't mention her here, not on this podcast, but yeah, it probably rubbed off on me. And it's just so annoying to work with somebody that it's is so hell bent on it being their way. Now I'll raise my hand to say, yes, I'm fairly good at selling my way.
00:10:05
Speaker
And I'm sure i we could get Jake back on here talking about that with respect to music. i' I put a lot of thought into it if I feel like I have to sway somebody, but there are folks that it's like, no, can't do it.
00:10:17
Speaker
No. And I think I've been willing and I'm sure you're willing. I'm willing to try a lot of different ideas. I actually think that's, pretty fun to see what works because I, you know, ultimately you don't know.
00:10:29
Speaker
For what? Like creative pursuits just anything? I think all of it's the same to me. It's like putting a lot of effort into something that can fail is no problem for me. I'm not worried about that. I think that's fun. I think it's a healthy exercise.
00:10:41
Speaker
I think where I become a nuisance and a problem is when we settle on a situation or something that we're gonna supposedly commit to, that's when I have the challenge and I start self-deprecating and start being sarcastic about anything that goes wrong.
00:11:01
Speaker
yeah And that' that's a problem, but that's different than you know giving people just nonchalant advice and expecting them to take it. When we do what just said, we like if we're getting hourly critical and stuff, is that,
00:11:15
Speaker
That just voice in our own insecurities, reality. You're like, why do I have such a stance? Why do i have such a negative stance on this? It might be music or is it just an insecurity or something?
00:11:28
Speaker
I don't know. i think you this is where you and I probably have the most in common is there's a tendency to- We have zero insecurities together. Well, that's true. But this this other one is even more in common. But that the tendency to gloss over actual feelings with useless comedic- nonsense So an example might be like, let's say if I felt like I wasn't having enough sex with my wife, I'd be i'd be like, I guess you're all dried up, eh?
00:11:58
Speaker
You know, i do stuff like that. And just like, she'd be like, what? Just out of nowhere, where I might do something like that. Instead of like sitting down and talking about it. Instead of being an adult. And I don't think with some of those things, either of us want to be an adult.
00:12:12
Speaker
And even to this day, I just, there are things I don't want to be an adult about. Raising kids and telling them what to do. And so I think that's part part of it for you and I specifically. But is anyone like, I mean, to that point though, if someone's really jacked about being an adult, making adult adult decisions, are you like I don't know, bro.
00:12:35
Speaker
I don't think some people show up better than others, though. I think you show up pretty well, dude. Look at look what what some of the stuff you've gone through in the last three or four years. like are you i mean, are you really glossing over like the big issues in life? You've had people in your family pass away. You've had all sorts of stuff. like are you you're You're showing up, I think.
00:12:55
Speaker
Yeah, but I might not be.
00:12:59
Speaker
I might not be addressing my emotion or my needs more specifically. You're just a soldier in those situations, just like showing, you're like overly showing up? No, I'm just a ah shit talker for no reason.
00:13:11
Speaker
So that that that's the problem. But, you know, that's us. I don't know generally thinking about ah broader population, what conflict does and like, let's talk intimate relationship.
00:13:23
Speaker
You've been around a lot of different couples and like, I get a little worried when the couple isn't sort of playful with each other or can't razz each other a little bit. That kind of worries me when they call each other by their first name.
00:13:34
Speaker
that That always throws me off for whatever reason. um When they whisper over and and talk shit about one another, like the guy does it to the to the other guy friend and and and vice versa, that's weird.
00:13:52
Speaker
yeah Yeah, being with a ah being with the struggling couple It's always disrespecting each other and like as is so, so hard.
00:14:02
Speaker
but But how do you think? Because my wife will get mortified if I like argue with her in public in front of other friends a little bit. And to that to me is more of a sign of health, but I don't know. What do you think? that's Does that disrespect?
00:14:16
Speaker
Is that a sign things are bad or the other The other thing of keeping silent and whispering and bitching is is the bigger sign that there are a problems. I mean, I i don't know. like Specifically, you two, I always laugh when I'm when i'm with you guys because I think she kind of lets you be who you are, but also will bust your balls a little bit, but just enough.
00:14:38
Speaker
like I remember when we were we had the – on the seniors, we had ah we made a pact about chilling out at our son's basketball games. Yeah. Yeah. And then when when I came up there, she was busting your balls about you you broke your pact, honey. But she's kind of mocking our pact, but also like shedding light on it. I thought it was hysterical.
00:14:58
Speaker
so But that that's not like necessary necessary. Like she wasn't like doing that in a way. You know, those couples that are just like, oh, here comes a brilliant idea. and This fucking idiot really think, you know, like where they're just really laying into each other under their breath. Like you said, it's like, oh, God.
00:15:13
Speaker
or Or, you know, the way if you treat your spouse or your girlfriend or like the way someone treats a boss that that no one respects, where it's like they have a nickname for them and they're just like, oh, here comes ah here comes a group email from the idiot.
00:15:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. There's some confrontations that need to happen in some couples I've seen. Like the husband has terrible breath, just terrible breath. and And it just it's so awful to me. And I don't know why the wife hasn't helped him.
00:15:41
Speaker
Yeah, like 30 years of bad just but in the face of bad breath and just, that's just John. Sorry, so I didn't mean distract with that one. Dude, that's my point. Like some conflict is probably fruitful and promotes something positive happening and it's got to happen. But but nobody's like, i got I want to go confront John about his rank ass breath. It's like,
00:16:06
Speaker
It's a terrible conversation to have. It's an awful conversation. I'll hear women out out the side of their mouth will be like, yeah, he needs to exercise. You know, why don't what you think in a run in this morning? And the guy's like, no, what are you talking about?
00:16:20
Speaker
i I hear that quite a bit. I've heard I've heard like like it'll be like, you know, some barbecue and it's like, well, I'll go get your husband another fucking bratwurst or something. And then it's like, please don't.
00:16:33
Speaker
He just he does not need to eat anymore. Or you need another beer, Joe? no he doest No, he doesn't. he doesn't. ah There's that stuff.
00:16:43
Speaker
And it's like who you point fingers at because you Crisco with your 20 extra pounds in the cane. But I have a suspicion that a lot of these couples, I don't know who they are specifically. It's so hard to tell if people are happy or not.
00:16:56
Speaker
But I have a suspicion that there are quite a few people that – there aren't a lot of deep conversations. There aren't a lot of like, how are you feeling type conversations or what else do you and do you need?
00:17:08
Speaker
yeah what do you need in this relationship or what's missing or what can we do together that would strengthen it? there's I wonder though, like what at what, you know, the conflict and then the decision-making based on it. Like, it's like the institution of marriage is so strong still. It's like,
00:17:24
Speaker
Even with all the separation divorce, there's still like people that are in what appear to be terrible relationships that have just decided they're going to grind it out. They're just going to deal with that sarcastic and they're just going to be like, I hate this motherfucker next to me, but we're going the distance together.
00:17:38
Speaker
Oh, man, I've predicted a few couples would be divorced and they're not. dude They keep plowing. and But they suck as a couple. Kind of. Well, like for them, not necessarily. you Maybe you like both them, but you can tell there's it's just it's ah it's a life of like disagreement and suffering.
00:17:55
Speaker
It's hard to know what the difference is between your preferences as a human being partnered with another human being and... what's going on between another couple. There's certain things that rub me the wrong way.
00:18:07
Speaker
When I see enabling ah dysfunctional behavior or just just our dysfunctional thinking, like I just don't like that at all.
00:18:19
Speaker
An example might be like somebody's health is bad and then you're just sort of like ignoring it because maybe deep down it makes you feel better that you're the healthy one. And I just think I, or maybe your partner really fucking hates their job. Like it's just miserable, tormented. and And by the way, neither of us, I think were that, but somebody who's really tormented, you're just like, oh well, you know, you know him, he's got to work. I i don't know what to tell him or whatever.
00:18:44
Speaker
Your wife really, really is miserable when she's at home with the kids and you're just like, wow, that's that's her role. She's got to do it. And you're just not willing to acknowledge those tough things.
00:18:55
Speaker
When I see folks and have met folks that are doing that, ah is that a personal preference or is that an actual problem on their side?
00:19:07
Speaker
I don't know. Yeah. then when you jump in, there is a little bit of like, well, someone's got to work. It's like when you jump in and go, all right, you're miserable. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Don't worry.
00:19:18
Speaker
I really don't even know what a good couple is anymore. i don't, it's just hard to really figure out what the elements of that are. and there are 800 million books um about healthy family and you go real liberal, you go real liberal with it. It's, it's fucking like so much annoying, horrible talk and about your feelings and expressing yourselves all the way through sex too. Like, you know, I just want to tell him everything that I might want to do. And I, I, I,
00:19:48
Speaker
Even and that I have been pondering an open relationship and in ah in the liberal household, you're supposed to fucking just like talk about all that. yeah I just feel like, yeah, some shit just say for yourself. Just fucking keep the fantasy to yourself.
00:20:02
Speaker
You know, we don't need to hear how anal beads would feel good. We don't need hearing that. I'm just saying I've considered them. Yeah. And then on the right, they're just these very... Shut up and take it. Yeah, roles.
00:20:14
Speaker
Religious duty type mindset. Don't know what makes a good relationship. I don't really know the elements. And I'm sounding naive in that, but do you?
00:20:25
Speaker
Preach, Matt. Preach. um I mean, there there there has to be there has to be some free free form of expression, right? Like you have to be express yourself.
00:20:36
Speaker
But... you gotta, I mean, you gotta to be able to eat it sometime. You know what i mean? Like you can't, you gotta be able to be like, Fucking A, those pants, she's comfortable in those pants. They look like shit, but I can't just be like, take those fucking pants off. They look ridiculous.
00:20:50
Speaker
i don't know. It's a bad example, but yeah you know there's some shit where you're just like, I fucking eat. i cheat This is how I chew my food. Fucking get over it. Did you get criticized for that?
00:21:01
Speaker
Do I eat? Yeah. Yeah. so You did? Right. Yeah. your Your ex criticized how you ate. Yeah. Fucking kidding me. Like, what were you doing? Were you actually a fool? Were you slobbering or what?
00:21:13
Speaker
Well, I'll say this, not to make it about about being in the US, but people fucking crush up up there, dude. Like open mouth, shit flying everywhere, taking shit off. like Americans eat like fucking pigs. And I think she she was trained in a little more formal setting, which it's like you close your mouth, you say thank you, you sit up, you you don't just like talk with your mouth, food falling out of your mouth and stuffing as much food in your face as possible. and That's funny. I think meaning me and your ex would vibe on a lot of things.
00:21:43
Speaker
ah She would always frame it, though, as a good example for our kids so that when they're in someone else's house, they're not like embarrassing themselves. That was always and I'd be like, and sometimes, you know, after whatever's going on your life, it's like, shut the fuck up and let me i be I'm eating fucking chicken wings.
00:21:58
Speaker
So I'm not sitting down with the queen of goddamn England. I just be like, when the prince comes over, I'll I'll I'll buck up. But right now I'm eating chicken wings and fucking drinking beer. Like, do I need to stick my pinky up on each end? Anyways, these are, these are actually back with like fun conversations when we'd fuck with each other and be all right.
00:22:16
Speaker
That wasn't like what broke us, but like, there are times over that right there is like, you know, if you're in the wrong place, the wrong day and something's fucked up at work or some, you're like, I don't need to listen how I fucking need to eat my food or, or whatever, you know?
00:22:31
Speaker
What was your problem though? What were you doing? You were just maoing? You were talking and fucking shit flying everywhere what? It's one thing to say, hey, you need to teach the kids the proper way to eat. mean, probably a little of everything I said, maybe.
00:22:44
Speaker
Eating with your mouth or talking with your mouth full while putting too much food in my mouth at the same time. Eating too fast. Jesus. Eating too fast. you right you know I don't know the last time you ate with me, but I can eat pretty fast and get it going. You're fucking troll.
00:22:59
Speaker
Jesus. I also, dude, I don't know. you did you ever You never worked from home, right? You're always in the office. You quit before that started? No, I worked from home for a long time. did. But i'd always i'm I'd always be like eating on the run. She didn't like that either, but I'd be like, yeah fuck I'm fucking working. So I'd be like standing up, working, hammering, you know, and and that was an issue. i don't i don't i don't remember, but...
00:23:19
Speaker
You know, that was not the deal breaker, but that was that was like a little conflict where it's just like, and then I even, i remember we we were at a restaurant and one of her uncles showed up. one of these people that probably she thought had these great Costa Rican manners. And I saw this guy pull his chair back so he could get like lower to the, lower to the table, like to give him some space to work with. It was just shoveling seafood soup in his mouth, which I was like, oh, that's dope.
00:23:44
Speaker
yeah but But I held that. And every time she'd be bitching about me or my family, I'd be like, what about that crush fest that we witnessed at the seafood joint? Which is petty, I know, and ridiculous. but But not a big issue.
00:23:59
Speaker
I just wanted to. But one those little things. Like if you have 20 of those, all of a sudden then it's like, you know. I mean, there's. What other things does she hate about you?
00:24:10
Speaker
You know, the me working at home was always hard for her because I'd just be like, I mean, she moved she moved me around all the time. Be like, okay, you want me to work in our bedroom? working. them Okay, no, you need to be in here. So i see I go out in the living room. No, you need to be out there.
00:24:21
Speaker
So she's always like rotating where I worked. And then there was like an office where I could work and it'd be like, yeah, that was crazy. I'd be like, where do you want me to go? And then I'd be like on the roof and I'd be like, ah you want me to work up here? And then she'd be I have something to do on the roof today.
00:24:38
Speaker
I'd be like, I'd be anywhere. And I'd be like, And she'd be like, it's my house. Why why do I have to be quiet? Why do I have to be like, hu it's our fucking house. And I'm trying to make me, it was weird shit like that. But some of that was more like a personality issue or just sort of like, you'd be like, you're kind of out the line. remember what the psychologist was like, you know, everybody works from home right now and he's working for you for you or something like that.
00:25:04
Speaker
So, but, but, i but now that you're forcing this out of me, I feel like that that conflict, it may be some shit that happens with coworkers and stuff. then i then I immediately rebel against it, which is not good either for you. Like they're not getting what they want out of me and then they're getting less. You know, if you push that conflict too hard, you usually find that people just like, what it called? Turn a deaf ear. After a while, you're just like noise.
00:25:26
Speaker
That's noise. You're making noise that I'm not listening to and I'm not going to. So even if there was a chance that I would try to like accommodate you, I won't now. That's where I go with that. Yeah, especially if it's just dysfunctional.
00:25:38
Speaker
Like I'll do that to my my wife too. when I wanna do something here that's like, I wanted to make a song today and I don't like anybody being here when I'm experimenting with something super fucking dumb.
00:25:50
Speaker
Cause I'll hear them be like, oh my God, in the background. And ah my my daughter used to do that. But I just like fucking go to work. Why aren't you at work yet? Jesus. It's fucking 9.30, go to work. And of course I'm not working.
00:26:05
Speaker
Oh, is this the worst that when you have in your head that somebody is gonna leave, Whether you can love them and everything's great, but you're like, and they're they're like meandering or loitering or there running late and you're just like, get the fuck out.
00:26:17
Speaker
You're supposed to be out here at 930. Oh, the things that go through your head. Not nice. Look at this lingering fucking lazy fucking pig. Just fucking walk out the house. Go. Go now. Get in the fucking car.
00:26:30
Speaker
Yeah. it's It's... It's not... How about ah this is going to sound like... ah But this is going sound... cruel but like everyone would actually agree if they had the balls but like when your kids you wake up you have plans and shit and then they're like sick they have like a sick day you're just like ah motherfucker oh i'm the worst oh like this motherfucker's coughing again this tiny tim motherfucker this guy's immune system is shit yeah oh this is your five chick-fil-as a week didn't help yeah cause i'm only thinking about how it affects your schedule too though oh yeah everything now i gotta yeah
00:27:05
Speaker
everything now i gotta fucking listen to this i gotta take his pussy to the doctor that's the internal voice and then it's like hey buddy hon how's it going you okay running about late today are and i well i would love to have i would just love to hear people's internal thoughts about me because that would be so funny I used to, used to, my wife was always late, like has been, i don't know if you remember that, but we were always late and we used to, it would be, everyone would be like, oh they're on Tico time. It was like a funny thing.
00:27:37
Speaker
And I used to be actually kind of take her side because they were, they're like ah an excessively punctual person where you're like, shut the fuck up. Why you here? Like you have a party at three o'clock to there, like two 59 and you're like, just fucking calm down.
00:27:50
Speaker
You're not supposed to be here yet. Well, my mom's always 15 minutes early. You got it. Not do you bait her? Like if you want there a five, you tell her the party's at five 30. Yeah, I don't like dude, I don't like the late people.
00:28:03
Speaker
There's certain activities where it doesn't matter, like a party with multiple people, show up when you want. But like, dude, if we're trying to get somewhere, we got a reservation, we got tickets to something and you're making us rush, then fuck you.
00:28:15
Speaker
and We were and my brother-in-law's wedding and we were like rolled in as they were like at the altar. That's fucked up, dude. I'm not going And was like... Did you justify that?
00:28:26
Speaker
You didn't justify that. No, no, no. No, I was going to say, I kind of hijacked my own thought process. But like, I used to... Even if I wasn't involved and she was running late, it used to piss me off and we'd like bicker at each other a little bit.
00:28:41
Speaker
And I'd be like, why... should have left 20 minutes ago. But that's like useless conflict in a way because it's not like I was going to... solve the issue and it wasn't it's like a lot of times it wasn't even my deal But i don't I don't know what the right way to handle that is.
00:28:57
Speaker
or Or it's like expressing... I was like sort of in a fucking weak, passive-aggressive way, expressing that I didn't like being late for other shit something. Maybe, I don't know. I can't i can't process it on on this podcast, what happened 10 years ago. but but But it would be like... Yeah, well like we miss flights. We miss tons of shit.
00:29:17
Speaker
You miss you miss the wedding. Remember our buddies, Mark and Meredith? Oh my God. We miss their wedding. You are train wrecks or she is. I don't know if they, if they, uh, do you miss a wedding?
00:29:28
Speaker
I doubt they listen. Well, it was in Detroit and we missed our flight to get there we, and we couldn't, it was like on a busy summer weekend and we could not get there. So we got, we finally got a flight through Minnesota or some shit. We got, we landed there the next day like eight in the morning.
00:29:42
Speaker
And then we had a great, like we, everyone was like trashed, like waking up in the hotel and we just walked in there. We're sitting in the lobby like, Hey guys, sorry. and But it was kind of like, I can't believe you guys made it And we're like, yeah, you we the flights got delayed, and it was a miracle that we got here. and how old were you, though? We missed our flights.
00:30:02
Speaker
You know, that night before, I headlined Jazz at Jack's on 16th Street. So so it was probably 2004, 2000. Okay. You're still kind of young. You can be a little douchey back then. But, yeah, no, that's that's a little much. But, you know, you could have sat her down and said,
00:30:18
Speaker
hi, i just need to talk to you. So i am somebody that values punctuality and it's important to me that when we say we're gonna be somewhere at a certain time that we do, and I just think that you aren't living up to that expectation.
00:30:38
Speaker
Should've been like, if you don't like it, you just need to go by yourself then. And then I said, all right, shit, dude. But what's weird about it being with someone who's always late is like it always is looks at like a sign of disrespect and like I didn't care.
00:30:55
Speaker
That was never the case. But it is It's like couldn't do it. It straight up is a sign of disrespect. I'm sorry to say. i mean, it is like. I guess you probably think that someone's sitting around going, ah, fuck it I don't feel like going there. I'll go whenever I want.
00:31:07
Speaker
Where they're in like a panic to get there on time always. And they can't do it is is what happens. Yeah. yeah What do you think of that, bro? You still that you think subconsciously it's just disrespect?
00:31:20
Speaker
ah Well, there are people that have are limited in sort of the planning part of logistics and have trouble getting understanding traffic, and they just can't figure it out.
00:31:31
Speaker
quiz Or they're way too optimistic. There's little bit that. Yeah, got time. We'll be all I got time. No. Yeah. Yeah, you're a punctual. You're a probably a punctual guy. You're probably a punctual family, being white sub suburbanite people.
00:31:44
Speaker
I mean, I never want to be like like white people in the suburbs. I don't want to be that punctual and that annoying about shit and worried about what I'm doing saying. It has nothing to do with the fucking suburbs, dude.
00:31:55
Speaker
Yes, it does, dude. No way. What people worry about is it's it's a little different, dude. Dude, people inside that inside the beltway, people are different, bro. Admit it.
00:32:09
Speaker
in any city engage in that conflict with you man i kind i touched a nerve yeah but i would love to hear what people's internal voice about me is and i think it'd be funny i know my wife will tell me why i'm a really hard person to be with sometimes but that's i'd like to hear from other ran randos there's that i mean the other side of it is like what i was saying is like I mean, there's there's probably ah relationships that are good that don't have a lot of conflict, but the people the ah the reason why they're good is because the people feel like they have the space and the ability to express themselves, but they just don't need to because there's a lot of good synergy.
00:32:48
Speaker
And then there's probably relationships that appear good, those sort of Facebook relationships. Everyone's like posting like, great day with my kids and everything's great. and But they're not expressing themselves, so they're just like, everything's great, but inside they're about to explode, which is probably where you find like these sort of midlife crisis breakups where a woman will just be I can't live with this fucking loser anymore.
00:33:09
Speaker
But they never they never told the loser he's being a loser for the last 25 years or vice versa. Yeah. if If somebody is on the verge of disgusting you,
00:33:21
Speaker
Like you need to talk. Like if somebody's getting close to where you, well, just just where they they are, ah they're kind of a disgusting person to you.
00:33:33
Speaker
Maybe they have a hobby like a podcast. um Maybe they're gaining weight and you just, it's despicable and sort of disgusting to you or maybe just whatever it is.
00:33:46
Speaker
and you aren't confronting it, then that's on you, dude. If you get divorced when you're like 50 because you didn't confront it or you wait till the kids leave and then you get divorced because you watched your husband turn into a fat, lazy slob, that's on you, man.
00:34:02
Speaker
Well, wonder about that though. Like i saying it's your specific examples, like, yeah is it, it's so like, I might almost feel like it's just an impossible I don't know. There's probably somebody could be like, I'll support you, but I want you to be healthy because I want you to live for a long time.
00:34:17
Speaker
Or it's just like your fatness, fucking your fatness, uh, makes me sick. Like, which is the truth, but like, that's, that's not going to be constructive, right? Devastating comment.
00:34:31
Speaker
No, it's about talking about.
00:34:35
Speaker
expectations early, not waiting until it does make you sick. It's more of like you start to see patterns of behavior and and if you're not willing to- Half pound overweight. Well, no, it's not about the weight specifically. It's more about the habits. it's like, look, um I noticed that You're not eating healthy, that's important part of what I want for somebody that I'm i'm partnered with. And I mean, it's it i don't know, you have to come up with a phrasing that works, but because you don't wanna just nitpick after a single moment that annoys you, but are you seeing a pattern behavior that you think could be problematic for you?
00:35:12
Speaker
And if you don't have those high standards though, you don't have those high standards, you're gonna have a failed relationship. And both parties need to have high standards for their top values. You don't believe in accept the person for who they are is what gets a better relationship.
00:35:27
Speaker
So, yeah, if if you think that I'm going to get on board with the fact that all of a sudden you want to Mao fucking Sonic Burgers six times a week, and I'm not going to get on board with it, or all of a sudden you start you have a drinking problem, no, I'm not going to accept that for my life. Or all of a sudden you're a high heavy spender because maybe something else is spiraling. out out I'm going to still love you, but like I'm not going to just watch that.
00:35:54
Speaker
People do. They watch it. What if it's something that's equally ridiculous but but not like like ah she likes to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and that makes me miserable to even think that that's being played in my house.
00:36:09
Speaker
What do you do about that? I think I put that more in the annoyance category unless it's those uh kardashian behaviors are like like by osmosis are coming into her life she's like i want to be a kardashian she starts like talking about butt lifts and stuff uh no i i wouldn't worry about that but you know what the funniest fucking thing on letterman had uh robert griffin the third on when he won the heisman at uh At Baylor.
00:36:37
Speaker
That guy, RG3 or whatever. Yeah, he's dope. Great black quarterback. Yeah, he was awesome. I don't know why By way, they're all black now, dude. Let's be honest. They're all black quarterbacks. Yeah, pretty much moving that direction. And rightfully so, because the whites can't run.
00:36:50
Speaker
Well, there's there's two things happening. Their black quarterbacks are these freak... gigantic white dudes like like got like the guy Allen, Josh Allen on baylor i mean on ah Buffalo or the guy and San Diego, that guy, Herbert or whatever. Yeah, who can run.
00:37:07
Speaker
Like a complete machine. no No wiggle, just straight. that's all the That's all that's left for white quarterbacks is you have to be the biggest dude on the field with a cannon and can run over anyone.
00:37:19
Speaker
That's so funny because I looked at a picture today of Shadour Sanders next to – I can't know – I don't know what quarterback it was. But Shadour looked like a child, like a little child. This guy was so tall, so big.
00:37:30
Speaker
I mean, even the the black quarterbacks are fucking big. I don't think i don't know if Mahomes is that big, but he's probably like He's probably still pretty big, but but not like some these – Cam Newton was the prototype, right? Oh, yeah. But he went crazy.
00:37:42
Speaker
I like the he went with that. Anytime I get you to sneak in a little sports talk. He went crazy. What was I talking about? Oh, this is not. this is so So on Letterman, they he did the top 10. Yeah, yeah.
00:37:56
Speaker
And the latin number one, it was like oh it was like things that I said when i first won the Heisman and I did all the jokes. and the last And the number one was, where's my Kardashian? It was so funny, dude.
00:38:08
Speaker
All right. Took too long for that punchline. Well, you hijacked it, dude. My bad, my bad, my bad. But that would where do you put that when somebody's doing something that's counter to your life philosophy, like watching the Kardashians?
00:38:23
Speaker
I mean, I talk shit about it excessively. Like even to my daughter, her music choices right now. i'm like, what are you fucking listening to? I feel bad about it, but I'm also like, you can't play that my car. I can't do this.
00:38:35
Speaker
Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, but it's like, why don't why should I really care? It's just music. Yeah, no, you probably shouldn't. But I mean, do you? Do you think it's like ah it's an aspect of her character that you need to work on?
00:38:50
Speaker
I mean, I just feel like... Like, yeah, if I was hanging out with someone's like, let's watch the Kardashians, I might. I'll tell you something childish. When I first met my wife, remember when lived up in Vail, she lived in like Vail housing.
00:39:05
Speaker
And I would go over to this other dude's house, smoke a little herb. And then I go over to her house and like her and her roommates, if they were watching Friends, i would just leave. I'd be like, I can't i can't do this. This is so mad.
00:39:17
Speaker
yeah Is it because you're above that show or or you're like what? It's so annoying. It's hard for me to remember. It's 1999 or 98, but. i Oh, it's probably how they react to it. So fucking stupid, annoying, giggling, ridiculousness. It's not that funny to you. And you're watching them laugh at Ross like he's the comedian of the year. He's the fucking Mark Twain winner.
00:39:39
Speaker
I think it was where i was at in my life too. Like I was up there, sort of not going on the the path, the normal path and and people that I thought were just like, sorority sisters are doing just like that's why our friends the whole thing would just be like yeah and it's probably an insecurity bro let's be honest the character phoebe fucking drove me crazy though yeah she was terrible anyways but i would just be like leave and i could i might have sabotaged what besides was a was a decent relationship but i was like i can't i can't do this
00:40:11
Speaker
So that's probably, there's no but like there's no conflict for that. There's no way, there's no like, I should sit down and have a conversation about watching friends. It might be like, know you just have to be like, this is not a threat to you.
00:40:25
Speaker
This is something that somebody else likes and you just shouldn't worry about it. Yeah. Well, let's get serious here then. What's the non-starter for you? What are you actually gonna confront?
00:40:38
Speaker
Right now? No, just in a relationship. Let's, you can go friends. You can go intimate. Is it public? You're, you're dating. It's public. You're dating someone on this show.
00:40:51
Speaker
so not really, not really sort of. Okay. So we'll back off that. I pretend, pretend you're, you are just pretend you are. Okay. I'll pretend I am. Well, I would say like, I have I I'm like, there's no, it's like no issues. And I'm like,
00:41:08
Speaker
But the- They're worried? Yeah, the like the conventional wisdom is like, there should be some issues. Otherwise, you're not growing and it's a boring relationship. I'm like, I don't know, maybe not. There's also less like life issues to worry about, like kids and finances all that crap.
00:41:27
Speaker
But there's differences. Yeah, there's none of that tangled up, but there's differences in opinion, yes? I mean, we align on a lot of stuff. But there's no playful arguments. There's no, like, I don't agree with that.
00:41:42
Speaker
I don't know about that. No, there is all that stuff, but I think. then you're fine. well i would say this person's giving me space to, like, sort of be myself and just finds it humorous and and and harmless. Yeah. I'm like, that fucking sucks. and It's not like I'm going to fight for this.
00:41:57
Speaker
It's just like, you don't like that, huh? You know? Which is like, I'm like, oh. do you want that Do you want that person to do that too? Do you want them to challenge you more? I guess that that relationship is not necessarily like what I'm talking i mean, we'll we'll see. Like I said, it's I mean, obviously you add shit like kids and finances and all this other layers.
00:42:18
Speaker
That's when some of these things start to start there pronounce themselves. It's ah actually the relationships with my in work and like starting up your own business because you have this idea that like, I mean, I guess in a relationship, romantic relationship,
00:42:34
Speaker
after you go through a separation or divorce, you probably think, oh, the next one, I'm gonna do this, and this person's gonna be this and that. What you're gonna find out is like, we're almost all the same, you know, like, and and women are very similar, and men are very similar, is just a couple things here or there, character, personality, issues, or trauma that caused one way or the other, but like, you're gonna find that most people, like most girls probably liked friends, whether I liked it or not.
00:42:58
Speaker
yeah not Not just the sorority sister. or not ah ah just a black girl from the Bronx, or not a they like Most people just like that show. I'm going to find this fucking girl who aligns with everything I like, is not attracted to any famous man, just likes me, hates friends, and...
00:43:17
Speaker
that's That's what we're all after. Right? Yeah. But what about your work partners then, since you're not disclosing the deep, dark stuff with your fictional girl? No, I'm telling you that what I'm disclosing there, my only worry there would be like, things seem too good and people like, oh, it's easy.
00:43:32
Speaker
And I'm kind of like, I don't know if that's the case. So so for that relationship that you're going public with, it seems to be going well. And don't feel... the need for like constant conflict.
00:43:44
Speaker
Yeah. i be worried No, no, I don't think so. I wouldn't expect there to be given the dynamics there. I think the hard things in life come when you're right. You put some of these stressors and then if there isn't good communication, ah you'll struggle with those for sure.
00:44:02
Speaker
Yeah. Any of the stress or conflict with that relationship is exactly what just happened where it's like, do I want to talk about, do I want to talk about it with any anyone in my life, kids, family, anything else? And like that puts me in a weird place, but I just feel like with time, things will, things will happen one way or the other.
00:44:22
Speaker
what about these work pussies that, you know, are you arguing? Well, that's the same thing, dude. Like not the same thing, but that's like the same thing of as far as I'm going to out and do my own thing and it's going to be better than all the corporate bullshit, but it's still several different people with different opinions and most, and I'm lucky that my partners have their hearts in the right place and work hard and care.
00:44:47
Speaker
but we're definitely different people and we do things different. And so you have to deal with that. And so there is a lot of conflict. And like so that might, I mean, it might be good, but i but i I worry a little bit about wasting time trying to sell an idea that I know, that I believe to be the right one.
00:45:05
Speaker
And I'm, you know, cause you're like, I have my own business. not like I got to talk to the VP, like some guy with some some title that you don't even know what it is. PT of regular operative affairs in the Western zone or something. that You got to sell it to him. It's like, well, there's a chain of command here.
00:45:21
Speaker
Now it's like, I just think this is how we should do it. This is how I think we should do an Instagram post. It should be a picture of our tables and me writing stupid humor in because I think that'll differentiate this. I don't want to sell it. i just want to do it.
00:45:33
Speaker
Well, but you guys are, what do you call it? Don't you think you're still kind of forming, storming, norming? Remember that shit? um And you haven't gotten to norming yet where people like their strengths get represented. you're youre You all recognize each other's strengths and you can begin to like divvy up roles a little bit based on that.
00:45:53
Speaker
Yeah. No, you're right. I mean, that's why I have to kind of not only that, I have to realize that I, Ask these guys come on board with me and they agreed to or however however that happened. So because they had strengths and stuff like that.
00:46:10
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So you want the conflict, but you you want it. It's just got to be constructive and and like a positive space. And if it's negative, if it's always negative, again, you're just like, fuck, I'm not yeah like two things happen in a workplace. If it's always negative, you you grow apathetic.
00:46:29
Speaker
Or you start to do stuff without telling people, which can be sort of like, almost like you're keeping secrets, you know, because you're like, I'm just gonna do it. I'm not gonna because I don't wanna I don't wanna have to go through the bullshit, which isn't healthy either. Unless it's like you win and you go, well, I did that. I just decided to do it and it out. It's still not.
00:46:46
Speaker
Even if you win, it's not great. Unless it was like time sensitive. Yeah, well, yeah. And then you you should have, you should have some freedom to make decisions, which we do. and mean, all that's going well, it's it's just anything. It's like the grass isn't greener anywhere. As you know, kind of what we're talking about, like retired versus working and stuff where like you still have to deal with yourself. So you got figure out the right way to live the conflict within
00:47:18
Speaker
And just maybe getting that other area out of your life helps because you have time to think about it, but doesn't mean, oh, you're immediately like a healthy person because you're not in a corporate environment. It's not, it's not just like gonna sell everything immediately.
00:47:31
Speaker
No, I've, I sadly haven't found a single thing that solves all my problems. Yeah. But I think, yeah well, go ahead. No, was going to say like whatever changing,
00:47:44
Speaker
coming out of my marriage or coming out of a job that maybe I wasn't that passionate for at the end or all this stuff, like it those like changes of sceneries can be like good for you, but unless you're you know unless you have like your head on your shoulders or you feel you feel like you can communicate and and receive receive criticism well, it's gonna be hard regardless of who or what it what it is
00:48:17
Speaker
I can't say anything I want You can't stop me You can't cancel me I'll blame it on my mental health It's just comedy