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Bring Your Best
51 Plays2 months ago
Waste management, being an offensive lineman and Matt returns to stand up comedy.
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Transcript
Hotel Transition Discussion
00:00:31
Speaker
Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us
00:00:59
Speaker
Back at extended stay America, huh? Actually, I'm back at the best Western Kirkwood, dude. 85
Work Flexibility and Motivation
00:01:05
Speaker
night. The extra 20 bucks.
00:01:08
Speaker
It's legit. Oh, nice. You're not at work. It's, what, 4 o'clock St. Louis time? Yeah. Sacrifice in Wildwood for a little... Bucket.
00:01:18
Speaker
little jacket? A little jacket? I left to go do something, and I i went to go to the bank to wire some money, and their international wire department closes at 2 o'clock. So I was like, I'm just going to head up to the hotel. I got to do i gotta do a little work, post some images and shit, so...
00:01:34
Speaker
A little emailing, a little image posting, a little social media. Okay. Exactly. So I can do it anywhere. Okay. Flexible job. You know why I'm putting in the time on this social media promotion stuff, right?
00:01:51
Speaker
Don't tell anyone, but you know why. I do know why. World's about to beat these MFs, huh? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Haircut Maintenance Tips
00:02:01
Speaker
Nice haircut.
00:02:02
Speaker
Buzzed. We didn't see this last week. Yeah. for For the listeners that that know what I look like. um I got like a one on top and a 0.5 fade on the bottom.
00:02:14
Speaker
If you keep it that way, you don't need to go pay for that shit. Why not?
Public Reaction to War and Morality
00:02:19
Speaker
just you can You can use a shaver for like $40. You do yours yourself?
00:02:25
Speaker
Why would I pay? for Well, fuck, I don't know. you don't If you're going to keep it short, you don't I would not pay for a haircut. But even the fade, do you think I can do that? Yeah, because they got the little the little attachments.
00:02:39
Speaker
The problem with my stupid hair is like... the the the the salt and pepper it's like it's not like intertwined i have like weight like my temple is just like white with some darkness on the end of it so then i'm like fade it more but they're like it's not the fade bro yeah well that's not going to make any difference whether you shave it yourself or go somewhere but right i'm just complaining about age too all right yeah you're looking gray wow fuck i uh i'm back in st louis and uh nobody cares well you you'd think you'd everyone be freaking out about about the war but just people going to fucking target and carrying on dude carrying on how's the vibe out there bro how's the war vibe
00:03:28
Speaker
I've only talked to a few people about it. They're just depressed. Has anyone, is anyone like ah in your circle of friends, like, good, that guy was an asshole or something like that?
00:03:40
Speaker
I mean, a little, I guess not specifically to my friends. I just, i haven't heard that at all. Like not even on the Republican side, I don't think. maybe Maybe, I mean, I'm not watching every second, but I haven't really heard anyone say that.
00:03:56
Speaker
No, it's out there for sure. that like the What is that, Sharia law and all that kind of crap? that Yeah, I think it goes without saying the guy was an asshole. but To us. But to 80% of the country, actually.
00:04:08
Speaker
To the US country or Iran? Iran. I think they estimate like 80% were opponents. This is a, and they were just killing like, uh, protesters, but I don't think that's why we did this, but, um, yeah, that's kind of like, do two, is that two wrongs make a right? I don't know what you call it, but it's like, do two, you know, like doing something bad to to eliminate something else
Lifestyle Critique and Winter Weight
00:04:33
Speaker
that's bad. Is that what's the, what's the end game on that? You know?
00:04:38
Speaker
It's no different than St. Louis ribs and pulled pork creating heart disease, is it? Is it any different, Matt? um Well, there's no like, there's an awesome experience of eating that shit.
00:04:51
Speaker
what's the What's the positive here? The guy gets to blow shit up. It's just like, fuck yeah. I just wanted to call out St. Louis for being fat. yeah so am i so am i so it is a little chubby especially in the winter too i had a conversation with a guy last night it's like he was like i'm 280 man and he's like but i do this every year i literally put on like 40 pounds in the winter which is the way you see a lot in the midwest or anywhere where the weather sucks for four or five months you're just like fuck it sit there and just get fat i i literally walk out the plane here five pounds i go i i'm like literally busting out of my belt
00:05:30
Speaker
that's its it's crazy you you sniff the cinnabon aroma at the airport and you're just like there's five fucking bad as shit i always felt i always felt um when we lived here my wife and i lived here we we were like we're like this is the best looking we've ever felt so yeah and that's a great point i mean relative comparison equals happiness especially if you're on the upper end of that you know if you can downward compare whether it's money, looks.
00:05:57
Speaker
You feel good about yourself, right? Yeah, you'll win. Yeah. there is a tiny There is a tiny beach town Costa Rica ah called Santa Teresa. And like that place is just, everybody looks good there. and i But I didn't mind it. yeah i was i was definitely out of my league there.
00:06:13
Speaker
and But I'm okay with it. you know That's where just that personality and charm has to kick in to get me from ah a 5.5 to a 9.
Challenges in Repairs and Disposal
00:06:23
Speaker
That have to be super charming.
00:06:25
Speaker
even higher maybe like the guy at a restaurant sees a little baby dancing and i go and like dance with the baby you know and and stuff like that just doing real real publicly chart just charm moves so what are you so upset about bro what do you what are what are you so fired up about i can tell you got an edge on you you got edge on you today you got home what's the fucking heater blew out or something No, I'm just trying to get rid of this. It's just like you try to do the right thing. I have this scooter that's just shitting out that I use. And you try to and try to remove electric but yeah try to remove the fucking battery. Of course, the screws are rusted. so I'm going have to like use one of those screw catcher drill things. I don't know what they're called. ah Yeah, I have to fuck with that just to do the right thing. So I'm not throwing away a
00:07:12
Speaker
battery in the trash how great that would it be just to toss that project in the trash walk away just because of the screws just fuck it I can promise you because um my wife and i are pretty rule governed with that kind of stuff I can promise you that well I would say 65% or more just throw all their electronics into the trash yeah their big batteries their monitors their desktop computers they don't fucking care What are you supposed to do? I've had, i have all this shit in my house and I'm just like, I don't know what to do with this. I know I shouldn't throw it away. Like old computers that I, that I'm like, what should i what am I going do with this?
00:07:52
Speaker
eating Like, yeah, you're Costa Rica probably has some, some better things. but We have like paid recyclers and then we have community recyclers, but it's a certain time of the year, at least where we live.
00:08:03
Speaker
And you throw all your electronics there and they're supposedly supposed to do something green with it. Yep. Yep. They get the bad stuff out and move it through some process. But yeah, you end up paying.
00:08:15
Speaker
I think the community does it. You pay like 20 bucks and then... Coast 3, I mean, I could probably sell it. You could sell or get rid of anything. Somebody will take it. Like, you can be a fucking Commodore 64. And will be like, I want that.
00:08:27
Speaker
Really? Which understand. Just for the wires and every all the other. Yeah, who knows? Yeah. Yeah. Like, there are people just drive around the neighborhood. i think I might have talked about this. With blowhorns, just like these old shitty pickup trucks with this announcement running. Like, we take everything.
00:08:44
Speaker
Domestics. like uh you know old washing machines mattresses clothes in good shape and they're just full of shit and if if it's the right time and they're driving by you're like stop like just take just fucking clear me out I don't know what this shit is stop to you're like I know I should get rid of this but um but I i shouldn't and then at one point you just fucking go fuck it I'm getting rid of everything and then what do they do with it I have no idea Yeah.
00:09:12
Speaker
I can't believe that there's that much excess stuff in Costa Rica too. It's a sad world, dude. Well, there's way less. Way less. I can't even tell you. i went to a computer shop that supposedly was supposed to recycle stuff for you. And I said, hey, I got a little monitor.
00:09:28
Speaker
And he's like, I can't take it. I just have too much. And I looked around and the whole place was just full of bullshit. That's the US, dude.
Consumerism and Waste Management
00:09:39
Speaker
Yeah, there's...
00:09:40
Speaker
It may be a little worse, but definitely people use stuff. I mean, there's cars on the road there that you're like, wow, I remember that. And they're all over the place. Like, uh, 82 Toyota Corolla or, uh, and then, and then, yeah, like, people take anything or just use it, use stuff for a long time. I mean, even my friend who has money,
00:10:01
Speaker
Like I brought him a Mac computer like a couple of months ago, but he had, he's an engineer and is doing pretty well and has had a Mac from, I don't know what it was. I was like, are you serious? It was like 20 years old or something.
00:10:13
Speaker
And every month when I'm coming up here, he's like, I think I got, it's got another month. And like, he was, he was just gonna use that fucking thing. But at some point he was like, yeah, nothing's compatible. Like I can't even get Mac updates that are compatible with any software. And, uh, like if it crashes, I'll be fucked.
00:10:30
Speaker
So it finally got a new computer. But like that that idea like, no, you should probably update your laptop every, what, four months or whatever whatever they're telling us. Yeah. Yeah.
00:10:41
Speaker
But it's just so easy here. Everything's cheap. There's space. There's waste you don't you don't hear about or see about. It's gone. Yeah. And like... It's weird. But, uh... I mean, I do see... You see stuff like played against sports.
00:10:54
Speaker
See some shit like that. You think you're like your kid, if if you went and got some shit there, would looked down upon? Like a baseball bat that's 800 bucks. You go get one there for 300. And people are like, oh, you fucking pussy.
00:11:07
Speaker
I don't think so. You know, what they accept is pretty high end, nice yeah stuff that you don't want to take the time to sell. And then they fuck you or? You just, let's just say you're not going to get anywhere near the price that if you took the time to sell it.
00:11:21
Speaker
Like put on marketplace or something like that. Yeah. But it's a good, the business idea is good for mankind. I believe maybe not for consumerism, but it's part of it.
00:11:33
Speaker
No, it's, it's, I think it's great. this kid It's crazy. me Your kids are growing up. Like everything just becomes useless, like so fast because they grow and, or they change sports or they change what they're into or leagues. And you're like, you got all, I have, I have so much shit from my son. That's just like laying around or at his mom's house or my house. He liked that.
00:11:53
Speaker
He liked skateboarding for a while. Got two dope skateboards. once If you want to get me going, I don't think you do. but I don't think you way The way we're raising our kids, it's pretty disgusting.
00:12:08
Speaker
and Just how much bullshit that they get access to. To fit in and to feel good. To pursue all their whims and be happy. and We just have piles of bullshit.
00:12:20
Speaker
Except for us, dude. I know. You know? had many a sleepless night thinking what to to do with all this extra plastic coming in from their birthday parties, the fine Christmas, and and just going, God, this is just, what is this? And then I just have to have a beer and fucking forget about it. Because I end up being the freak. Right. Right.
00:12:43
Speaker
yeah I mean that that is one thing that's pretty sweet when I after the separation of moving in the shitty apartment is is just I have like zero waste because I'm not I'm just not there's no reason for me to like over buy or update or anything it's just like so I don't like I don't I don't even really have a lot of trash it was like like compost well I say compost I throw all organic waste into a pile and let it rot but uh yeah like I have no waste almost Which is cool.
00:13:14
Speaker
That is cool. I mean, i have fucking waste, but but you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, wow, i I might have like a little bag of waste like every two, maybe two weeks, you know, three weeks, like one little bag.
00:13:27
Speaker
And you drive around neighborhood here or even in Costa Rica for that matter, mean there'll be like eight big ass fucking bags of shit every three days or something. But that's just all like packaging and shit, really.
00:13:39
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And even the school system, what they, the projects they do, these kids bring home bullshit every fucking day. Yeah. You got deal with your your fucking crafts and your, know, whatever. oh yeah. And then you're like, I can't throw away their stuff.
00:13:57
Speaker
And then you hold on it for a little while and then you're like, don't fucking care. Like they, they, they are like advancing so much that like what you think, oh, it's a great painting they did. And then within like a month, you're like, that was a piece of shit.
00:14:10
Speaker
Month later, it's a little better. i always got rid of that shit though. And then my wife would be like, where was that? I threw that shit out. Got rid of it. You would just be like, nice job and throw it away in front of them.
00:14:25
Speaker
I just don't, they're they're never going to go back and look at like a dumb thing where they made a picture of a monster or something and they've done that a thousand times. So I would, I mean, if it was special, if there was something meaningful that we all agreed on, am I might keep it or take a picture of it or something.
00:14:42
Speaker
ah Yeah, I mean, I wonder what it's like now, now that your kids are almost adults, but like when your kid's an adult and like, cause when they're young, as they're going through these ages, they're like, everything is just a little better. And it's almost like you're enjoying the phase they're in.
00:14:56
Speaker
And then you're not really worried about what you thought was amazing, like a year or a month ago. But i wonder when it all stops, like they stop growing. If you're, if you're going to go, ah you know, if you go back and be like, oh, look at this, she did this when she was five.
00:15:08
Speaker
And it's the cutest thing ever, that's why you keep it. But in the moment you're just like, this is fucking trash. Or for the day, you know, the day you see it, you're like, this is great. And then all of a sudden they do something else that's cool or they go in like a different phase.
00:15:20
Speaker
And then you're like, ah fucking picture are you scribbling on paper when you were three is a piece of shit. Yeah. So we, we had a few boxes of that stuff and I just said, look, we're going to get I'm going to get rid of all of this and just tell me what, what of this you want me to take a picture of and put on the Google drive. Cause we're not going to keep any of this. What are we going to do?
00:15:42
Speaker
You're going to lug this around if we decide to like move. Wow. Yeah. It was bold. I'm going to do that with quite a few other things too. Got to do it, bro. And then you, what, then you, did you recycle it or did you, just burned it?
00:15:58
Speaker
yeah oh seance what do You do with it? The paper stuff, recycled and then photos and things like that. We just tossed. No pushback?
00:16:11
Speaker
A little, but I mean, it just, once you, once people see it all out, they go, fuck. we gotta get rid of that. I even the yearbooks, like, I mean, lugging your yearbooks around.
00:16:24
Speaker
I just took pictures of people I cared about in different activities where I had a picture. Jack the year bugs. Huh? Wow. Yeah. I don't need them. You're, you're kind of delayed, man. Just FYI. I don't know. if I flew in the U S dude. Still shitty. Huh?
00:16:40
Speaker
Let's see if, let's see if I'm gonna just go through the network. See if that's any better. You got me.
Nostalgia in Sports and Art
00:16:50
Speaker
hello hello hello Hello? Hello? Hello? Who's Johnny? She said, and smile in a happy way. Who's Johnny? She said, a smile in a happy way.
00:17:08
Speaker
is smile a happy way horse to honey she's saying smile in a happy way
00:17:20
Speaker
Oh shit, this motherfucker. Did you fucking get in some text, bro? Jesus Christ. No, I kept siding ahead and joining it. Just wouldn't like away. Are you using the best Western internet?
00:17:34
Speaker
Yeah. If I don't, then ah it won't let me in, which I think my phone would actually be better maybe on the network. All right, well. Did we get that though?
00:17:46
Speaker
Yeah, we got the first part of that bullshit. I got them getting rid all the memories, like I said, and putting them online. Putting them online. Oh, so you do put them in the storage area. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
00:17:59
Speaker
That's great. All the memories. So, your hoops for your family is done for now? the season anyways. How'd that feel for you and your son and wife and everyone?
00:18:14
Speaker
Was it was that a moment or was it it was not no big deal? It was both. It was a nice moment. Nice ending. He had a great season. He has some accolades and stuff. So he he feels good. And then we were both relieved to be done with that program.
00:18:32
Speaker
How was it ah like was it for him, you think? and Maybe it hasn't registered yet. Yeah. ah like nostalgic or anything or just like, ah, done with this, time for the next step? Because he's been playing with ah some of those kids for a long time, right?
00:18:47
Speaker
Yeah, I think he was done. He's done, and then he has some yeah some sort of 17-year-old nostalgia. I don't know if it's nostalgia, but just sort of what ifs that he throws around here and there.
00:18:59
Speaker
If I'd have been on such and such team, we'd be at state right now and so forth. But it's like I just turn around and say, shut the fuck up. You take a picture of that, put it on Google.
00:19:12
Speaker
That half-ass emotion. Fucking, it's going on the drive, bro. Shut the up. Go train. No off days. You let them fucking, and you let them drink it all in for about five minutes and fucking threw a kettlebell at them.
00:19:32
Speaker
Your opponent's fucking working out. Yes, sir. Mm. so it's good. It's good good. Good for him to have success and good for it to be over.
00:19:43
Speaker
Yeah. i wonder I wonder if I... I don't mean, I can't really remember it. It doesn't seem like a big deal now, but I'm trying to wonder when I was finishing up with whatever it was high school-wise, whether it was leaving school or finishing a sport.
00:19:59
Speaker
We walked off the field as champions. whether Our new listeners and don't know that. Lance and I were state champion football players. Undefeated. Baseball, not so much. But ah i wonder what I wonder what my emotions were like ah but ah ah Because you don't i don't think you realize how fucking over it is.
00:20:20
Speaker
Yeah, I think it was short-lived. I think what's great about that era of life is there's so much going on. There's so many different things. You don't have time to nostalgic. Nah, you don't even know what that means, probably.
00:20:34
Speaker
ah just I had a girl girlfriend. I had friends. We had things we were going to do. Other sports coming up. Just was... and football sucks too like after you go to state only there's not that many people that can relate to this we'll try to explain it to them if you go to state you're fucking I think you're an extra five weeks probably with like and yeah you by that time you've been for you're like it's December I think when we finished and you've been grinding it out since like late July or early August
00:21:06
Speaker
And you're just like, fuck this. Practice sucks. like The whole thing just sucks. Let's just be honest and say, yeah playing football sucks. Practicing football sucks. It does too. But like what's good about playing football is the expression of toughness, the validation from your boys and from like it's essentially like a a military ah battalion. And that's a cool thing. But the actual...
00:21:35
Speaker
I don't know, the actual task of doing it, the helmet, the headache from the helmet, the slugging the pads, just it' though the pads are unnatural in terms of movement.
00:21:46
Speaker
The pants are tight and fucked up. Your feet hurt from like sharp cut, at least I cut. I know you kind of laid there playing line, but I was cutting all the time, making plays.
00:21:58
Speaker
It kind of sucks, bro. Yeah. um but you never had the you never had the joy of making a awesome and like a really well executed block dude nothing better
00:22:11
Speaker
nothing better than than doing doing awesome pass like ah pass blocking the feeling you get from that dude like so good processes for me since you did play line what would it feel like to play line the actual task of playing line for another four years in college and then maybe pro I mean the task itself it's just yeah the task itself uh I don't know, it's weird how how much it actually sucks, but it's also somehow fun. from a
00:22:48
Speaker
It's probably what war feels like in ah and a the military maybe, something i don't know but in ah in a grander could die scale. yeah whats what's fun is the success like if you're you got a run play we get eight yards and you had a part in that and you opened up the gap and you're like yeah let's keep going and you're here it's but your task what you're set out to do is miserable run blocking it can be fun because you got the ah you got to overpower someone but like i mean that doesn't happen all the time sometimes you get fucked up
00:23:24
Speaker
yeah but pass blocking you're kind of just receiving someone trying to like just fucking running into you hu but i mean you get on the the same thing with where you're playing defense which is is kind of fucked up like but do you do you get joy there's there's something fun about it even though it still sucks running like throwing yourself into somebody or something like but you get joy from like lighting somebody up You learn to, yes. You learn to.
00:23:51
Speaker
But you didn you had to learn it. i mean, when you ah make someone else make a mistake or you overpower them as a part of a competitive process, it's fun. But, you know, there's quite a bit of pain in making a hit. And there's quite a bit of pain in, like, even just wrapping up and bringing a guy down.
00:24:09
Speaker
Not always. Sometimes you really win that battle and... it can be pretty fulfilling, but just as a task, as a way of life to make a living doing that, I mean, you got to be a different person.
00:24:22
Speaker
You to be a different person, different, different kind of body. And to show up like, let's say like a year, year 10 linebacker in the NFL. So now that's an extra 14 years of, of that kind of hitting.
00:24:32
Speaker
That's a different dude, man. Yeah. Well, they're not, they're usually crazy. uh a little a little but i don't know there's a lot of stuff though like that like why does somebody want to fucking do the tour de france you know like talking about just hell or uh even the climbing i mentioned my kids have gotten into climbing and most of it is just like pain until you really start to feel good but you see those i've we're watching climbing videos we talked about it like but You know, those guys are talking about like just the pure pain of it all.
00:25:03
Speaker
they Somehow like we like it. I don't know why. There's a lot of stuff like that in life. Football might be like that. Maybe, but I mean, that's ah that's an individual goal, sort of an A to B kind of challenge. And you're in a natural environment. And you're just putting on these pads to sit there and get bludgeoned by a defensive lineman.
00:25:26
Speaker
It just feels like a dumb thing. know what to tell you i think you're right but they occasionally you get to light somebody up so but but if you think about like a more of a pro style offense you're just a fucking enormous person standing in front of someone and they're just wailing on you and all you're doing is like easing the blow so to give your quarterback enough time like like it's got to be just like I'm just a giant piece of shit and I just got to stand here. So this, this person can't go around me. but That's like a offensive, an NFL offensive lineman and and a lot of college now because of, cause all these RPO or fast, you know, you're not, you're never like firing out and hitting somebody anymore or getting out. It's just like, yeah, you're just a big body.
00:26:15
Speaker
Yeah. And the, the process to even become that human being, well, Almost no one's natural and and in that level of size. And like ah the kid that was Charlie's good friend who's out at UCLA, I mean, they they have a nutritionist that follows them around.
00:26:32
Speaker
And so they go in through the line, they get all their food, and she she'll come over and be like, no, two more chicken breasts. And so to like structure your life around putting on weight unnaturally and then to go do that task,
00:26:46
Speaker
It's interesting. I kind of was like, what's fun about it? I think it's just back to like, you're part of an army battalion. You have a role. It's and very important to the success of the battalion and everybody survives if yeah you you do well and you kind of latch onto that.
00:27:02
Speaker
But your task is like, bro, I'm stuffing my fucking face, taking huge shits all the time, and I'm getting bludgeoned. Just standing here like a fat piece of shit, like you said.
00:27:15
Speaker
lot Life of alignment and really no trim, like no accolades, nothing to show for it either. You're not like a star in any at any rate. Except for Jason Kelsey, who's his wife's pretty cute.
00:27:29
Speaker
Well, although... yeah well i think if you get the nfl you're probably even maybe you're playing a big time college program you probably get your choice even if you're fat ass yeah i mean at some point those guys are big there are women that like uh like to feel like i could walk this guy and like nothing's ever gonna happen to me if i got this fucking elephant walking around with me yeah And they're strong. um I mean, they're they're they're at for as big as they are, they're some of the most elite athletes like in terms of their foot quickness and their their strength. But it just looks bad. When you watch them, if you watch them, a lot of times they're just they're so strong. They're they're not like on the offensive, like on ah at like a ah move against the other guy. They're just absorbing it. But they're almost like bending their back backwards and just like holding it with their base and just standing there like, go ahead, annihilate me.
00:28:24
Speaker
but why would you want to do that oh especially in the nfl when those dns are just the most exceptional athletes in the world pound for pound like they could i some of those dns i think win a battle against a small car yeah they're strong as fuck they're now they're running like four four four five forties at 265 yeah and you're basically but i mean almost every position in football it like how how does somebody play cornerback like it's like how's that possible think that's the highest concussion rate you're just guessing what this guy who's insanely quick twitch speed and you're like he's got a running start at you and you're just trying to like figure out which way his hips are going to turn and you're fighting you're getting yeah i mean the whole i think maybe that's why we like why people like it's like it's a it's a true test maybe well i mean some guys got are getting followed around with
00:29:17
Speaker
to how much how many chicken breasts are eating, but there are people that were just born and they're 6'7", 320. What else are they going to fucking do? Yeah, yeah, there's some. They're not going to be horse jockeys.
00:29:28
Speaker
That's for sure. Even sitting in an office or something would just suck at that size, you know?
Life After Football
00:29:35
Speaker
Which is most of those dudes, all like those big dudes that like every every, at least the Division one probably now all the way down to whatever there is, are you know, these guys, most of linemen are at any level or...
00:29:46
Speaker
huge and none of them are gonna make it in college football so the rest of their life they've been like not only they already big they're they're forcing themselves to put on weight and i when their athletic career is over they're just sitting there with all this extra weight and trying to go fucking work for enterprise or some shit now i see them out there not at enterprise specifically but i see them in the world hey there are guys though that can there was a guy who was think he's a hall of famer it might be joe thomas But he's like 205 now or something like that.
00:30:18
Speaker
Like his whole fucking career. Is it Joe Thomas? yeah i don't know if you know I'm talking about. But I think he might have been. went Went to Wisconsin. Maybe ended up with the Browns or something. but he like Old timer?
00:30:30
Speaker
maybe like our age something like that okay but he can't he like he could he his whole thing was like trying to maintain weight like he couldn't do it he's gifted athlete and had a motor as they say but not yet but now he's skinny but uh that's that's rare yeah that transition back, I mean for anyone really, even, i mean shit, even if you're like a soccer player and your body's used to burning 5,000 calories, I mean I see it all the time, like old professional Costa Rican soccer players just like, like short little fat Latinos by the time they're our age.
00:31:07
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. they'd be they've had They've built their lifestyle around that calorie burn. and i just wanted to say short little fat. So everyone knows I think I'm better.
00:31:20
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. You got the calorie burn. and you and you and then you're like there's also i mean i mean i think when football ended for me i was just like fuck football it was is nice to be dumb but like i would think in any sport if you do it long enough at some point like you end up you play football football soccer since you're whatever you're four years old and after 35 years you're just like fuck it i'm not going out running I felt it ah root right when I got to college to play and I'm like, oh man, i have to gear up to do this again.
00:31:53
Speaker
yeah all these drills. Oh, and I was like, it just like us about six, eight weeks in, I was like, I gotta get out of this. Yeah. and And I mean, I was still, I was getting on the field and it wasn't like, it just wasn't fun.
00:32:11
Speaker
Yeah. Ah, I remember the, you know, when you first, like, August or whatever. i can't remember was August or July. I know we did the stupid training. But you put the helmet on for the first time, your fucking neck hurts.
00:32:24
Speaker
oh yeah oh god it sucks you're just like that hurts the front your forehead and then for me behind behind my ears because i have these i don't know what they call but the the bone sticks out a little more behind my ears and so right above my eye and then behind my ears just like two weeks it's just like fuck you This poor stupid.
00:32:50
Speaker
That's so funny, dude. But yeah, some stuff, ah some stuff you can, you know, you can quit and get away from it for a long, for a really long time and then try it again. Like comedy, eh?
00:33:05
Speaker
isn't that what we're supposed to talk about? Well, I don't know if we're going to talk about it. No, I thought that was the whole show actually, but um
Return to Stand-Up Comedy
00:33:11
Speaker
let's get it. I'm not trying to make it about that. I will say, I think last week i told i told you and our audience, if I do some stand up, I would let the world know. So I decided to go to the comedy club last night on the plane ride up here. I wrote some jokes. and I got back on stage for the first time since maybe 2015 at the Westport funny bone in Westport Missouri St Louis Missouri yeah and uh it was great yeah I was nervous and but four minutes went by in like two seconds I didn't get the a lot of the material that I'd written and I fucking took down some gays and blacks and that was it what kind of jokes
00:33:54
Speaker
I hate to do this, but I did a joke about my age. okay which is it was really stupid but it's good ah it was like i'm in my mid 40s my mid 49s it was it was the joke it's so it's all delivery good laugh i saw it on your notepad and then i that's a timing joke but uh actually i did after i did before i got there i mentioned was a good looking crowd decent trim in the audience tonight and some decent hog or something like that i was just kind of fucking around oh actually before that the guy before the guy went on before me never done stand-up before
00:34:28
Speaker
And, uh, cause it was open mic night. And so I busted his balls for a little while. And, and, uh, he, he had like a a beanie on like very low. He looked like a thug. So I was opened up by saying how ballsy the crowd was for not laughing at that guy. Cause he looked like he would shank them in the parking lot if he was upset.
00:34:48
Speaker
That's good. I'm sure it was a big moment for him, you know, to get to get that call back from me. That's a never forget moment for him. ah And then so I did that. And then I I wrote those writing jokes about how I've never sat next to a good looking person on a plane. I might have texted you that while I was there, but I did I did a.
00:35:08
Speaker
long thing about that which I didn't think would take that long but that went really well actually by like two minutes into the set I was like oh this is easy I was like not easy but i was just like oh yeah I remember this all right so talk me through it you texted me about that premise i don't even know if it's premise it's just a you're pointing it out uh like a month ago uh so how do you punch that up it is but uh how do i punch it up i mean i don't know if i can do it justice here but no just talk me through it i don't want the i mean the general idea i've never sat in that like ah the the idea is i've never sat next to a good looking women but then then i just exaggerate it and tag it and just say it's like i haven't even sat next to a good looking person like not even in my row
00:35:53
Speaker
and then i'm like i would accept a good looking dude or a guy that showers regularly or whatever and then i get into more silly shit like you and i would do where i'm i like i it's kind of open but i think last night i might have said like it you know a guy with a strong jawline good size hog something like that i was just fucking around with the crowd And then, and some of it's like an out-of-body experience, i remember what I said. but But those were written laugh lines, and then I just added on to it. And then I said, and then after I was, oh, then I actually talked about the lady I was sitting next to on the plane, which I felt kind of bad about, but she was huge on this last plane ride. Very nice lady, but she had fucking...
00:36:35
Speaker
sticks like a sticks t-shirt the band and then I exaggerated that and made it made the made it look like she had stick screensaver on her phone sticks bag all this stick shit and uh was a big girl and then I said something like she was a great lay though or you know like a little tag Like we we pounded.
00:36:56
Speaker
and then i And then the next part of joke was about how when I'm on a plane, though all the people that they get have sat next to me in the last 40 years get to get off the plane and tell their friends about this like smoke show that they...
00:37:10
Speaker
I sat next to you. And then I do self-deprecating thing about how I'm describing myself as this great looking person. And like, and I said like tiny, cute little button nose.
00:37:21
Speaker
And then the whole fucking crowd laughed. And I was like, and then I could be like, fuck you guys, you know like for laughing at that. And then, and then I was like, fuck, that was it. But that's a, that's a treat for them. Cause it's a much more experienced guy going up and doing an open mic, even though you haven't done in a while.
00:37:40
Speaker
Oh yeah, it was great. I mean, it was funny because nobody, a few people there and we and where I ran into a few old friends that were still around. was kind of crazy, dude. I'd be like, what happened? Oh, is that guy, is he still coming down the club? like, no, he died. There's like shit like that. A bunch of people out of that scene are famous now. People we've talked about are doing like great things, but not everyone, you people go different directions, but yeah.
00:38:08
Speaker
Yeah, but not a lot of the people that had no idea did stand-up. So people were like, wow, dude, you killed it. Like other people have open mic guys. No, no, like other open mic guys. i didn't i didn't I wasn't being a dick. I just signed up. And I know the the guy runs the club. So i asked him, i was like, if I can get some time.
00:38:26
Speaker
so but i didn't make a scene or anything and so i just signed up like another open mic for for half the people there are most of people there i was just another open mic idiot who was trying to figure out how to do stand-up so they were like well that was that was quick you know but then ah i was like well i used to do it but i haven't been on stage in like 10 years so uh so yeah but that's yeah for a second i was like fuck This is what I was probably supposed to be doing.
00:38:52
Speaker
Without a doubt. But I don't... It was cool. And it it is... I wouldn't say it's like riding a bike because I was pretty nervous, but I pretty quickly was kind of like... like I don't know. It was like, oh, you got nothing to worry about type thing.
00:39:05
Speaker
That was cool too. Like to do it for no other reason. Not like, oh, wonder who's watching or what's... It was just like, oh, this is fun. Something to do you know? You'll be able to get a 20-minute set, I bet.
00:39:17
Speaker
Oh, yeah. If you wanted. but But it's gonna be like, what's cool is I can go work there, I can go, oh, I'll say work, but I can get do sets there and maybe another place.
00:39:28
Speaker
And then some of the people that on the show were cool and they were like, oh yeah, there's there's like it shows you could you could come to around town. That's gonna be when I'm here. i mean, I could probably do it down there, but. What about being a host, like the host guy and then just fucking talking shit about it the the performers?
00:39:43
Speaker
And that'd be easy to slide into. yeah on Tuesday night yeah i used to do that it it was it was great yeah you just talk shit beat up on the crowd yeah everyone Everybody.
00:39:55
Speaker
And then that's easy to slide into. You don't have really and write any jokes. You just make it up on the fly like this podcast, dude. Yeah, you do ah you do a little material up front and then you fuck around with each each thing and you challenge yourself. Maybe if you can tag or say something silly about the the person who's just up there. But I don't need to take somebody's spot, though, because some people are young and they need that to like either get in the club or learn how to do it.
00:40:20
Speaker
But I'll maybe do that eventually.
Comedy Dynamics and Growth
00:40:22
Speaker
It's funny. But no, I probably could pretty quickly host a weekend. like Yeah, course. Skills, bro. But we'll see. i'm not I'm not ready to say I'm getting back in a stand-up, but I did it.
00:40:35
Speaker
And it was like, it actually was like time never happened. It's like everything in the club in St. Louis, like the last time I was there, it was 2015 or 16, and then nothing else happened. And then when I walked back in, there was just like, ah it felt like it was like a week later.
00:40:51
Speaker
Well, it's just a bunch of fucking losers. that It's not like they're going to improve. and you know this it Whether they're new people or, you know. It's more talking about my experience. not though Oh, wow. You're right, though, dude. You're right about that. It's same dirtbags pacing around the club. yeah same same It's the same people, just different different souls. But it's the same same group of guys. A few few people you're like, oh, yeah, that guy could probably make this work.
00:41:17
Speaker
you know two or three younger dudes you're like that's that guy has a point two or three people you're like you just you're just this is your book club where you're like i go do something on tuesday and then two or three people that are you're like what are you doing dude you know like why why are you here give me some examples of some real terrible sets or just how the approach Well, you have people that are, and not and not to say that i don't I didn't have this too, but like that are literally terrified i' public speaking.
00:41:49
Speaker
so And they're just out there like doing a dare? Well, they're trying to overcome it. like for something They just love stand-up, but they like and they think they can do it, or they think they're clever. But dude, if you don't watch yourself, I don't know if this ever happened in music, but you also have no idea what stupid thing your body or your face are you doing.
00:42:07
Speaker
And so in your head, you might be like, i'm I feel fine up there. But in the reality, you were like staring at the corner of the stage or you were so you were speed reading. your You're like doing this. You know, your head's like, look, you're reading the pages of a book because you're like trying to remember your notes or like you always look right. I mean, i even people that were funny, you know, they might come up to me like, you know, you say you said, you know,
00:42:30
Speaker
Oh yeah. 45 times. Oh yeah. I do say it all the time, but like, you don't, when you're up there, you're not like, you know, you know, you know, you don't, you're not thinking about it. Yeah. That, that nervousness, uh, really throws you off. i I mean, just even public speaking. I remember I've sort of like Mick Jagger, like pacing and walking around, like, yeah, just, it's not effective, but you have to, you're right. You have to film yourself. You have to to practice. Yeah. Yeah.
00:42:56
Speaker
And you're not, you're like, you you got, you transitioned from writing material to performing it. And then now that's where you see the separation. Yeah. I actually, I can relate a little because I had these things I facilitated at work where i actually wrote jokes and the jokes didn't have to be good, but the performance really was important.
00:43:16
Speaker
Yeah. like Are you funny? Is the timing funny? Are you letting a word hang there? It's like a it's a weird art that you know a lot about, um but it's like a you don't get to it without doing it.
00:43:30
Speaker
yeah it's I mean even that the 40 I'm in my mid 40s mid 49s that's just yeah I'll re like you if I just went I'm in my mid 40s mid 49s it's it's not nothing will happen no no it'd be terrible but uh you know like there's timing and pauses and stuff and and so that so that's where you see some of the some of the shit and then you see someone to just again it's open mic so everyone's trying new material because that's all they have and so new material doesn't always work yeah and so people made like bad decisions yeah but you see like the same themes like the same four or five type of comics or efforts or open micers that that i saw 20 years ago and uh and i even see people doing stuff that i'm like i look back and go ah fuck i did that
00:44:19
Speaker
You did the type of joke, the type of joke type. But yeah. Or I thought, oh, I can fucking be Mitch Hedberg. Everyone thinks they can be Mitch Hedberg or write like little clever one liners. Or i don't know if you remember that guy. Yeah, he died. He was super funny. But like it's like you don't want to see other Mitch Hedbergs. Yeah. Now make it about me. yeah Make it about me a little bit. know how would i do how would my brand of comedy dude i stepped up to the plate i think you need to go do a stand-up show no but my brand of comedy i probably won't do it because that's not my thing but who cares like nobody would understand it oh you do like writing comedy i do like writing it but i don't know i mean i had i've had a few friends that are probably not good
00:45:04
Speaker
No, I think, no, it probably would be good. As long as you don't, don't know how to say it. It's like, i don't know if it's stick to your guns or like, it's like you you could be weird enough or you'll be like weird enough, but you don't want to get focused on like, I just gotta be weird.
00:45:20
Speaker
No, i hear what you're saying. You have to be funny. Yeah, but also, like, you'll be weird. You don't have to worry about You'll be unique. So you don't have to be like, I'm going to fucking make this crazy unique. Like, like some people sabotage themselves. Yeah, i know you're saying. I've seen a couple of comics. I don't know if you would do that, but that's like settle down.
00:45:37
Speaker
Yeah, it could be uniqueness. It could be edginess. Like you see that all the time on open mic where someone's like, i don't know what to do. So I'm just going to shock them. And you're like, oh, you're just trying to shock, right? Like, yeah, yeah if you If you watch Louis CK, whether you like him or not, he'll he has he'll do like really in-depth real long thought-out jokes about abortion or jesus or all this shit and it could be considered like shocking but it's also like he's clearly not doing it to shock he has like thoughts on this you know and because that it's like it can be really funny now could i act like chapelle and say the n-word a lot and just get laughs doing that let me think dude
00:46:23
Speaker
Dude, I did. There were some sisters in the front row that were fucking going crazy laughing at me, dude. and it It gave me such such like ah such a good vibe. and i But I had to talk about it. So I kept talking about how i'm getting biracial support up here. And I wish I had more time. Dude, if I would have had 20 minutes, i it would it would have been a riot. I would have a riot going in that place, dude. I couldve i would have started have been like, these white bitches over here aren't fucking laughing at anything. Meanwhile, but... ah Yeah, and see, I think you'd probably be pretty good kind of doing what I what i do.
00:46:58
Speaker
i think you'd I think you'd be working off the cuff, which is kind of in, and I think you might have better material than me. Like, I don't really have, my material's terrible, but it's just ah it's just a medium to take fuck with people, or let them fuck with me, almost, you know?
00:47:12
Speaker
Yeah, I'd rather hide behind the guitar, bud. Well, I think you should do both. right. Well, I appreciate the pep talk, dude, but I'm going to get, I'll get, ah I think i have nothing else to do here besides work. And now the business is kind of under control. So I might not have to be working like eight o'clock at night.
00:47:30
Speaker
So when I come up here, I'm like, don't, you know, I don't drink. i don't really hang out with friends. I might as well do some sets, but I think I can get, and can get some material together. over the next 5 or 6 months. So if you can, you do some song parody action, we could probably, we should, we should, we could book a show.
00:48:22
Speaker
Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us Jesus loves us
00:48:38
Speaker
Slaps.