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49. The Power Of Handwritten Letters- With Dara Kurtz
73 Plays4 years ago
Dara Kurtz is the creator of the popular blog crazyperfectlife.com, with over 180,000 followers from around the world. After going through breast cancer 6 1/2 years ago, she quit her job as a financial advisor, launched her blog, and wrote her first book Crush Cancer. Her second book just released, I am My Mother’s Daughter: Wisdom on Life, Loss, and Love, It is all about the connection between mothers and daughters, how the loss of her mom impacted her life, and how to be intentional about growing relationships to create a more meaningful life. Dara is a speaker, workshop leader, and coach, and loves sharing her journey to help and inspire others. She lives in Lewisville, North Carolina, with her husband and daughters, loves spending time in nature, and practicing Kundalini yoga.
In this conversation we talk about her grief process the passing of her mom to cancer, which was just a few weeks after Dara gave birth to her first born. She felt very alone during that time with her grief and distraction became the number way of how she handled her grief, which in reality meant not to face it.
Many years later Dara herself was diagnosed with cancer, and it brought up many of the emotions she had not really processed of her mom’s passing. She found a bag of letters that her mom had written to her through the years, and in these letters was all her mom’s wisdom. She felt as if her mom was telling her to just get back into the business of really living! Her book is the collection of these letters, as well as a Legacy Letter which her mom left for her, and which she received from her father after her mom died. We talk about the importance of writing handwritten letters to our loved ones, as this will be a gift they can save and be one of the most precious items.
Here are some of the letters you can write:
1. Just Because Letter
2. Special Occasion letter
3. Legacy Letter: To be given to the recipient when we die.
Connect with Dara Kurtz : http://www.crazyperfectlife.com
Connect with Kendra Rinaldi: http://www.griefgratitudepodcast.com
Logo: http://www.pamelawinningham.com
Music: http://www.rinaldisound.com http://www.oneplanetmusic.com
Production: Carlos Andres Lodnono
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Transcript
Focusing on Gratitude
00:00:01
Speaker
Instead of like focusing on gratitude for what I did have and counting my blessings, I really focused on the loss and what I didn't have for a long time. And I do believe that gratitude really is like learning gratitude and learning to kind of count your blessings, not what you don't have and not your problems is kind of a special little secret to trying to find your peace with whatever you're dealing with.
Introducing Grief and Gratitude
00:00:33
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:00:57
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys.
Meet Dara Kurtz
00:01:08
Speaker
I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:19
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode. Today, I have the honor of interviewing Dara Kurtz, a new friend. I always say new friend because a lot of times in these interviews, even though I'm speaking to somebody for the first time, I feel like I already know a little bit about the person even before even speaking.
00:01:42
Speaker
right? It's like we've just connected via email. But there's something about the fact that we already know we've been through something that's even similar, you know, that we both have had our moms pass away, both from cancer, you know, certain things like that, that I already feel like I know just a little bit more of who you are based on even what you've been through.
Mother-Daughter Connections and Discoveries
00:02:02
Speaker
I don't know if that if that makes sense. I agree. It's like the club you don't want to be a member of. But
00:02:10
Speaker
if you are in that mode in your BFFs with everyone in the club. Yeah, it's like there's an unspoken already kind of play level level playing field kind of thing that you're kind of starting at by what you've gone through. So you are an author.
00:02:27
Speaker
And that's one of the things we're going to be talking about today. You wrote a book. You and it's called my what remind the book again. It's my OK. Yeah, it's called I Am My Mother's Daughter Wisdom on Life, Loss and Love. And it's all about the connection between mothers and daughters from one generation to the next. What it was like for me to lose my mom and raise my two daughters. And then 20 years later, I found a bag of letters that she
00:02:55
Speaker
wrote to me when I was nine years old until I graduated from college. So it's about all the things.
00:03:01
Speaker
About everything about yeah, it's like that's one of the things I want to talk about is even just like when you open the ziplock bag and finding those letters and all that kind of little wisdom I've had those little moments myself after my mom passing that just kind of feel like they're speaking to you in that particular second so that that really rang true to me as well and then you are also a podcaster and you also have a blog called
Family, Pets, and Pandemic Grief
00:03:26
Speaker
a Crazy Perfect Lecter website in which you also have a blog called Crazy Perfect Life. And you're a mom of two. Well, can I include your little four-legged one too? I see you're also a dog mom like I am. A mom of two daughters and one fur baby. What's your fur baby's name? Absolutely. What's your dog's name? And he's a pandemic puppy. We lost our
00:03:56
Speaker
His name's Oliver. He, he's a pandemic puppy. We lost our golden retriever during the pandemic and it was heart wrenching out of the blue. And then we just literally a few days later, I turned to my husband and I said, I, I, we have to add another dog. Like we just can't, we can't do this pandemic without another dog. So we, um, we found a little, another.
00:04:21
Speaker
Golden Retriever puppy and it's been such a blessing to have him. So in the pictures, then this is your other dog, like the pictures on your website is your other dog, the one with your family pictures, that's the one that passed away. What was your other dog's name? His name was Winchester and he was fine and then all of a sudden he wasn't and then we found out he was really sick and it was devastating.
00:04:46
Speaker
I am so sorry because that's a recent grief kind of experience and it's hard too. Like even if we've been through hard things of having had a human die in our life, it's still so hard when our dogs, our mascots and stuff die as well.
00:05:04
Speaker
So I know we kind of just said a lot in just a couple minutes here. So now let's just all section it off a little bit.
Connecting During Separation
00:05:14
Speaker
So tell me then, you live in North Carolina. Which part of North Carolina do you live in? Yeah. I live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. It's in between Charlotte and Raleigh.
00:05:26
Speaker
Okay. I've been in Raleigh and I've been in Carrboro Chapel Hill kind of area. So yeah, perfect. And then did you grow up there? Is that where you were born and raised or is that where you moved? I grew up in Richmond, Virginia, and that's where my whole family lives. So I have only gotten to see my family one time since the pandemic. And that was when over the summer we drove to social distance with them. It's about four hours away.
00:05:56
Speaker
I'm just so looking forward to this all being over with and I can't wait to be able to hug my family that I miss so much. I can relate. My family lives across the country as well. I haven't seen them in over a year. I'm sure many of your listeners are feeling that as well.
00:06:14
Speaker
Yeah, it is definitely something hard. It's another level of grief we're all experiencing right now is being away from our loved ones. But also finding these other ways of connecting has been really interesting. Doing more kind of little Zoom things as a family, virtually, or just other ways of connecting with our loved ones that are based on the circumstances that we're living. Yeah. I always say, and I've learned this over the pandemic, that
00:06:43
Speaker
connection to someone else has less to do about location and more to do about having an open heart. And I've learned that over the last few months. So connection with someone has, repeat that again. It was so beautifully stated. Connection to other people has less to do about your geographic location and more to do about
00:07:12
Speaker
how you're feeling in your heart. So if you're missing someone, but you are intentional about reaching out to them and there are so many ways we can do that, then you can actually feel connected to them and you can even grow your relationship with them, even though you're not seeing them or you're not face to face. And you can be geographically close to someone and
00:07:38
Speaker
not be intentional about it and maybe not your relationship isn't growing.
Navigating Personal Loss and Illness
00:07:45
Speaker
And I've really had about myself over the last few months, like over the pandemic, who I'm reaching out to, relationships have been growing, who my people are, even if they're not close by geographically.
00:08:02
Speaker
That is so true. And actually what you said there also just reminds me a little bit about that connection, even with those that have passed away. Because even though there's, again, that distance or not, but again, the heart is there, the connecting is there, even if we don't see them. It's another way of still staying connected. And your book is exactly that.
00:08:29
Speaker
So, let's go then back to your mom and her passing and the circumstances around her death, and then we'll go into how it is that you ended up writing this book. So, my mom, a couple weeks... Well, let me start from the beginning. The weekend I found out I was pregnant was the same weekend we found out my mom had stage four melanoma, which is a form of skin cancer.
00:09:00
Speaker
really over that nine months, the bigger I got, the sicker she got. And it was really devastating. And a few weeks after I had my daughter, Zoe, who we named the name means life because my mom was so sick and we just, I felt like we just needed to like hold on to life. Um, a few weeks after we had Zoe, my mom passed away. And so I found myself in this space where I had a new baby, I was a new mom and
00:09:29
Speaker
I was grieving the loss of my mom all at the same time. And I was 28. I didn't know how to navigate that situation. I didn't have the skills. This was over 20 years ago. And we didn't have these podcasts. We didn't have these platforms now where you can feel connected to people and really hear about other people and what they've done and learn. And so I felt really alone.
00:09:59
Speaker
probably really one of the only people in my circle who had lost her mom.
00:10:05
Speaker
It was just a very, very hard time for me. So what did you use? That is such a good point because you're right. There wasn't all this other interconnectedness and resources that we could just go. You'd have to go to the library and go through a book and find a book about grief or something to that extent in order to read about it, but not necessarily connect with others that were going through something that was similar. So what were some of the things that you
00:10:32
Speaker
used as your tools in order to navigate that grief. I mean, you were a new mom. So was your focus mainly on being a mom during that time? And is that kind of how you... Okay. So to share a little bit about that. I didn't have a lot of tools in my toolbox and distraction became the number one way that I dealt with it, which obviously wasn't dealing with it. It was kind of pushing it away.
00:11:00
Speaker
I mean, I did want to be the happy mom that I felt my my my daughter deserved and I knew my mom would want me to be a happy mom. So I just really focused on my daughter. I went back to work after I was a financial advisor. I went back to work after really a few months and I ended up having like my best year ever
00:11:23
Speaker
in my career during that time. And so I look back now and I think, okay, someone who just had a baby and just lost her mom doesn't need to have the best year she's ever had with regards to her production. And to me, that actually says so much now because I can see how my younger self just literally dove into work, totally tried to distract myself, succeeded in distracting myself,
00:11:51
Speaker
And then, you know, just time went by. The year started to pass and I had another daughter and you just kind of get used to not dealing with things. And then when I was 42 and my kids were 11 and 14, I was diagnosed with breast cancer out of the blue. And that really caused me to hit the pause button on everything. It was a very hard time for my family.
00:12:21
Speaker
I was really lucky. I found it relatively early. There were so many, thanks to research, so many tools in the toolbox and it's been seven years now since I went through that and I'm nothing but grateful, but it really changed everything in terms of it brought back a lot of the feelings that I had when my mom was sick. It brought back a lot of the grief and it actually made that time even harder for me
00:12:50
Speaker
but I didn't see it. I didn't really understand that until I sat down to write this book. And that's when I really started to see, oh wait, the reason that was so hard is because I was actually reliving a lot of what I relived when my mom was sick.
00:13:07
Speaker
Wow. So then when you were then going through that, then is that when you started opening the Ziploc bag? Is that when you started to dive into the letter? No. Okay.
The Healing Power of Letters
00:13:18
Speaker
So when was it that you found your Ziploc bag of letters that you're like, this is how, cause it's, so you still were connecting to what she had been going through with cancer component. So it was an awareness of that. Uh-huh. It was like PTSD. Like I didn't really understand that.
00:13:35
Speaker
until I went through breast cancer. So I got through it all. I went through all the treatments. And that's when after that I thought, you know what? I don't want to be a financial advisor anymore. I want to help other people. I want to try to use my experience. I quit my job. I started my blog, Crazy Perfect Life. I wrote my first book, Crush Cancer. I started speaking and just like doing so much work on myself.
00:13:59
Speaker
time went by and then about a year and a half ago, a year ago, I found this Ziploc bag of letters that were written to me when I first went to sleep away camp at age nine until I graduated from college. And most of the letters were written to me by my mom and my two grandmothers and both of my grandmothers, they lived well into their eighties. They were definitely very important part of my life, especially after my mom passed away. And finally,
00:14:28
Speaker
Um, a few months went by, I finally had the courage to sit down one night and open this bag of letters. And I was blown away by how I felt like I was having a conversation with my mom. I could hear her words. She had so much wisdom to share and it really changed everything for me in terms of finally giving myself permission to let go of the pain that I've been, that's really been following, following me around like my shadow for the last 20 years.
00:15:00
Speaker
Do you, this is, this is so interesting and I'm so grateful that you're sharing this thank you because a lot of times.
00:15:09
Speaker
think that when they're just going through the motion step of things that are like, Oh, I'm fine. You know, I'm fine with my, like you said, you dove into your work and that was your way of handling it. But you're, you're the second person that I hear that it is not till even years later that suddenly it just has, you know, that grief is like right in their face again. Like, wait a minute. I didn't actually
00:15:32
Speaker
really grieve, you know, and so, um, thank you for sharing that because it's, it's not just like a one week thing. It's not a one month thing for some people. It could be a life lifelong, you know, experience and it's different, right? I think you get used to, for me, I got used to putting a smile on my face, looking perfect, pretending like everything was fine, saying I was fine. And then I really convinced myself that I was fine.
00:16:01
Speaker
And you just kind of get used to living, for me, I got used to living in that space. And then something happened that kind of triggered it. And then even then I didn't want to really dive into it because it's painful. But my mom was always there. So I mean, I always talked about her. I've been missing her. I've always felt like,
00:16:30
Speaker
We were cheated. She was cheated. I had a lot of anger around there. I had a really hard time trying to find my peace. And it was incredibly difficult to make the most out of every day of my life while holding on to this pain and really kind of fighting it until I really read the letters. And that's when I got a glimpse into really a lot of the wisdom that she
00:17:00
Speaker
would share with me. My mom was a counselor. She was amazing at, you know, giving me advice. She was my person. And it was almost kind of like a kick in the butt of, you know, Dara, it's time to get back to the business of really living and making peace with her death. And it's been such an incredible gift for me personally. And then, you know, this book is such a
00:17:26
Speaker
I really wrote this book for my heart. There were so many times that I was sitting and writing and sobbing and I don't hold back. I share it all. And you know, I think people can really connect with that because it's so honest.
00:17:42
Speaker
And that is the one thing that for sure, you know, connects us. Like you were just saying about the openness of our heart and that's what connects somebody else.
Writing as Emotional Release
00:17:52
Speaker
So when you read something that is that open, because not only are you revealing your own emotions and doubts, you're also sharing glimpses of these letters, right? Of your mom, like in your book. So therefore you're connecting not only to you, but to your mom. Yes.
00:18:10
Speaker
That is awesome. Can I ask you, do you feel that when, did you feel like when you got breast cancer? And this is going to be a loaded question. I don't know if it, do you believe in that aspect of emotions when they're being kind of kept
00:18:30
Speaker
Things not kind of flowing through is that something in your belief system? Yes, I love that you're asking me that question and I 100% believe that that's just my own personal opinion And here's here's here's what I think so someone if we look at the emotional scale in terms of like energy and You know, we're all energy people who are
00:18:59
Speaker
really sad and grieving and feeling like they're not dealing with things and they're there and they're trying to pretend like they're happy, which is all the things I was doing. I mean, I wasn't necessarily like, this sounds crazy, but I wasn't like vibrating at a high level. Like my energy level wasn't like in a space where it was like,
00:19:28
Speaker
I wasn't doing the best for my immune system. I wasn't doing the best for myself. And you're right. I feel like all of that had to come out some way. And so yes, I actually do personally believe for myself that that was one of the, maybe my sadness manifested in that. Now there are going to be people that aren't going to believe.
00:19:52
Speaker
They're not going to agree with me, and that's absolutely okay. That's what I think. I said something like that to a doctor, and he turned to me and he said, Dara, the fact that you got sick was absolutely not your fault. And I said, no, I'm not thinking of it that way. I don't think it was my fault. I think sometimes it just is what it is. Things just happen.
00:20:20
Speaker
If you're dealing with a lot of sadness and you're keeping it inside, you know, you've got to let yourself release it somehow. And for me, it was for sure the wake up call that I needed.
00:20:34
Speaker
And again, like you said, this is not something that every one of the listeners is gonna be like, oh yeah, I totally agree with that. And that's okay. And this podcast is about exploring different ways in which we believe because it's not just one-sided, but there are a lot of people that do believe in this way. I personally do believe, like you just said, we are energy and emotions are energy, everything's energy. So if we are not dealing with those energies and what you said about vibrating at a high level,
00:21:03
Speaker
That is just so key because you're right. Like if we are really like in alignment with our emotions, in alignment with who we are, if we're connected,
00:21:15
Speaker
to others, the inner reactions we have with other people with our spiritual component as well, if we're happy in our work, if we eat healthy, if all these different things affect then how we vibrate as energy. And that all plays a role in our health. So it's not just a one-sided thing.
Maintaining Health and Well-being
00:21:39
Speaker
And we're not saying that everybody that
00:21:41
Speaker
You know, every time that somebody gets sick, necessarily something emotionally that has not been dealt with, you know, some some would probably say that as well. And we could be, you know, and we're not saying that that's necessarily the case for every single thing. But it was in your case that you feel that it was. Yeah. I mean, like, here's the bottom line. Right. So environment there, maybe there were environmental issues. Maybe there was some genetics there. I mean, cancer runs in my family.
00:22:10
Speaker
maybe my emotion was part of the, maybe just all of those things were the perfect storm. And so again, I feel like it was what it is. And I don't think necessarily there's one thing, but I think that being really sad and upset and angry was not serving myself well. That's the bottom line.
00:22:37
Speaker
It's like another log. It's like adding another log to the fire. It's the fires kind of already starting. And then that aspect of your emotions like, okay, here goes another log. And then you kind of adding all these logs and then the fire just kind of becomes so the, but yeah, so then you're right. Like there's all these other aspects. Oh, absolutely. But you know, on the other side of that, like, I mean, there's a lot I do every single day to help myself try to,
00:23:06
Speaker
be the healthiest version that I can be. And, you know, those are a lot, I have a lot of tools in my toolbox today that I didn't have back then. And so, I mean, we do have the ability to help ourselves try to feel grounded and release things. And for me, that's eating as cleanly as possible. And I make vegetable juice every day. And I practice kunalini yoga every day. And I try to walk in nature every day.
00:23:36
Speaker
I try to be really careful about who I'm surrounding myself with and who I'm spending time with even virtually. And, um, you know, self care, it is a buzzword, but I do try to take like absence salts baths and, um, write in my journal and try to release feelings of maybe anxiety or sadness because, you know, we're not perfect and life isn't perfect. And there are going to be times when we're feeling
00:24:06
Speaker
sad or missing someone or grieving or all the things, but it's just, okay, how do you help yourself kind of release some of that? It's interesting how you went from not having any tools to now suddenly
00:24:24
Speaker
being able to implement all these different tools that you have. And now you yourself are a tool for others. What you've done with your podcast, with your blog, with your website, with your books, you now are a tool for somebody else. That sounds like weird. Wait, that's not a tool. You know how they say you're just a tool. What's that saying of the tool? But you know what I mean? You know what I mean with the tool. You are part of somebody else's toolbox now.
00:24:51
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I try to use my experiences to help other people who are navigating their own, their own challenges because life is hard. Life is hard for all of us. I mean, the last nine months, year has been a challenge for all of us. And, um, yeah, I mean, I think we all can learn these tools to help ourselves navigate our lives, to make whatever life tosses our way, maybe more manageable.
00:25:21
Speaker
Oh, thank you for saying that. That is so true. Now let's go into talking a little bit about how was it raising two daughters then without having your mom.
Parenting Without a Mother's Guidance
00:25:35
Speaker
How did you navigate that at the beginning of your journey as a mom? It was devastating.
00:25:44
Speaker
I mean, I missed my mom. She wasn't here. She was my person. She was a counselor and an early childhood educator. And I finally had kids that I needed her help with and she wasn't here to help me. And I felt that loss every day. You know, I would go to a birthday party and the grandparents would be there and my friends
00:26:11
Speaker
would have their moms in their lives and I would see their moms often. We would go to lunch or, you know, whatever. Um, and it was just a constant reminder of what I didn't have. And instead of like focusing on gratitude for what I did have and counting my blessings, I really focused on the loss and what I didn't have for a long time. And I do believe that gratitude really is like learning gratitude and learning to kind of
00:26:40
Speaker
Count your blessings, not what you don't have and not your problems is kind of a special little secret to trying to find your peace with whatever you're dealing with.
00:26:52
Speaker
That is so true. It shifts everything. It completely shifts everything. It's like the glass half full rather than half empty. It just shifts how your outlook is in life in all areas. Now, how did you bring in your mom into your daughter's lives being that they had never met her?
00:27:11
Speaker
when they were growing up, did you talk about her? Did you share little stories about your own upbringing? How did you incorporate her memory in their lives? I love that you asked me that. So I really wanted my daughters to know my mom, but not just like know of her who she was. I wanted them to kind of like really
00:27:35
Speaker
get a feel for the person that she was. And it was challenging. I remember that when my kids were really little, I wanted to try to find a way to help them connect with my mom. And so one of the things my mom loved was eating hot fudge sundaes. Like she loved eating ice cream sundaes. That was just kind of like one of them. And, you know, I was always a really
00:28:01
Speaker
and have become very focused on eating healthy and blah, blah, blah, especially right after my mom passed away. I really got into this like, we need to eat really healthy. That's when I really tried to kind of start my education with nutrition. And so I remember trying to help my kids learn about my mom. I would talk about her, show pictures.
00:28:26
Speaker
every year on the anniversary of my mom's birthday and on the anniversary of her death, we would have hot fudge Sundays. And it was kind of like a way for my kids to kind of, you know, Oh, yay, we're having ice cream Sundays. It's grandma Terry's birthday. And that was my mom's name, Terry. And so my kids have kind of grown up calling her grandma Terry. And you know, what kid isn't going to get excited about having ice cream Sundays? And that wasn't something that we had all the time. And so,
Preserving Family Traditions
00:28:55
Speaker
You know, as the years went by, it was maybe going through a drive-thru some years when life was really busy and getting ice cream sundaes that way. Other years, it was getting all the toppings and making it more of a big deal after dinner as a family. But it was just something that we've always done. And so I always tell people, like, find your ice cream sundae. Find a way to connect the past with
00:29:25
Speaker
the present so that that person can move into the future with your family. And if that's, you know, whether or not that's planning a plant every year, if someone really liked gardening or, you know, if they love taking hikes, like going on a big hike that day or just, you know, finding whatever they really liked and bringing that joy into your life, I think is really helpful.
00:29:52
Speaker
I love that idea. I love that. And food is one of those things for a lot of people. Food is a connecting aspect, not only sometimes to the loved ones, our loved ones, but sometimes also to our culture. In my case, my husband and I are both from Columbia and raising our kids here in the States. Food is the way that we can connect them to their health.
00:30:16
Speaker
culture you know to our culture which is technically you know part of theirs too so um the fact that uh that ice cream sundae was the way that you connected with your mom just brought me like my my cheeks are hurting here like with a big smile it's just so beautiful it's so simple so simple right we sometimes overthink it you know sometimes of like the how do we pass down these things to our children or how do we remind them of
00:30:43
Speaker
of our loved one, and it could be as simple as a sundae, an ice cream sundae, and it's just beautiful. Thank you. You're right. It doesn't have to be complicated, and it doesn't have to be expensive, but I do believe that food is definitely a way that we can connect the past with the future. I put in the book my favorite recipe for my mom and my two grandmothers, and that's really become important in my life.
00:31:12
Speaker
my grandmothers loved cooking and there was a special chicken dish that it was one of my grandmothers and even now like my kids will say like we want grandma Millie's chicken for dinner because you know we're all living together during the pandemic and we're my college daughter's been home a lot more and so but I love when they say like we want grandma Millie's chicken because like my grandmother's passed away and I have her casserole dishes and
00:31:42
Speaker
I will make the chicken in that and I just love that my daughters I think will make
00:31:49
Speaker
Grandma Millie's chicken for their kids one day. And that's a way that we can have fun traditions, definitely for food. So, so, so awesome. I love that. Yeah. My, my husband liked my, the way my mom would make the chicken too. So sometimes he's like, you're going to make it like your mom did, you know, like that life. I'm like, well, I don't know. Cause I never, my mom didn't measure when she would cook and neither do I. You what?
00:32:15
Speaker
that generation, they did not measure. I totally agree with you.
00:32:21
Speaker
It's like you put a little bit of this, but I'm the same. I'm so I cook that way too. I cook very like organically. So even my my kids when they're eating something that I've made up, like, Mom, did you write down the measurements? Did you? I'm like, no, it's like, it's like, are you going to be able to make this one again? You know, like, well, I don't know. Every time is unique. It's like an art piece, you know, it's like you never know how it's going to turn out every time. Well, you know, so I was
00:32:46
Speaker
I'll share this with you though. So my other grandmother was an incredible baker and she always made these cookies and they were like her signature cookies and my maiden name is Hirsch and she called them Hirsch cookies and they were little sugar cookies with green sprinkles on top and we had these cookies like for every family event from when I was a little girl just forever and here's the thing though
00:33:16
Speaker
We don't have that recipe. That recipe did not get passed out. We don't have it. We have tried so hard, my whole entire family to recreate this. And so it's kind of a lesson for all of your listeners that, you know, be intentional about passing on traditions from one generation to the next, because I would love to be able to make these cookies for my daughters. I personally would love to be able to eat these cookies. It would feel like, you know,
00:33:50
Speaker
It's gone and you know, we've tried tried tried my dad's tried my uncle's tried my brother tried my cousins have tried and it's just it's not gonna happen and so learn from that and be intentional about passing on traditions from one generation to the next
00:34:09
Speaker
Dara, you're speaking to me. You're telling me I have to start writing down my recipe as I'm making them up. But you're so right. And I try. I'm like, OK, let me try to see how is this one. And we've stood in the kitchen with my daughter. My son doesn't participate in the kitchen as much. But when we're making something, because especially our Colombian dishes, I'm like, OK, so you're going to need to learn how to make this so that you can keep on passing it down.
00:34:35
Speaker
to the other generation. So yeah, that is important. Yeah. And we did that with my grandmother, my grandmother Millie. Like she came here, visited me every year. She would always come for like one long weekend where we would just cook in the kitchen and I would sit there and she would cook and I would, I would measure things. So she would, she would do like the chicken and she would take the, the ingredients and she would say, okay, this is what we use. And then I would literally measure it.
00:35:05
Speaker
so I could write it down. We learned that because we didn't do that with my other grandmother with the cookies. So anyway, for all your listeners, measure it out.
00:35:16
Speaker
measure it out so you can pass it down. That's the best inheritance we can leave, you know, is those little memories. And then again, back to the letters, I want to hear, because that's another way too, then that you stayed connected with your mom and your grandmothers was through these letters.
The Impact of Handwritten Letters
00:35:31
Speaker
And that is something that we've lost in a lot in this generation, we'd have to look through our text logs, you know, I'm like, Oh, what text is
00:35:38
Speaker
that this person sent me when I was, you know, away or WhatsApp message or whatever, you know, or email. But we have lost that aspect of actually sending letters, you know, via snail mail or things, you know, things like that to actually have a hard copy nowadays.
00:35:59
Speaker
Tell us a little bit about that and how are you implementing what you experience yourself of having that in your life and now, you know, with your, now your daughters with the letter writing. Yeah. So reading the letters, 100% impacted my life in such a positive way. And it taught me that.
00:36:23
Speaker
the power of writing a letter, a handwritten letter. I love being able to hold these letters and sing my mom and my grandmother's handwriting. And a lot of them are written on just regular paper. Some of them are written in cards. Some of them are on stationery. It doesn't matter. Being able to hear their words, you can get a glimpse into their personality. And I really got to know my mom so much better from my adult perspective
00:36:53
Speaker
because a lot of times she was writing these letters when she was raising her kids, when she was raising me and when she was raising my brother. And so it's been an incredible experience. And so I really have learned that there's three types of letters. Just reading, and I had over 100 different letters, but there's the just because letter, which are what most of the letters are. And those letters were just written just because my mom wanted me to know that she was thinking about me.
00:37:22
Speaker
She was just telling me what was going on in her life. She was just kind of sharing what was happening in that moment. Then there's the special occasion letter. That's a letter that's written at maybe a birth or a graduation or a life cycle event, a wedding. And the intention, the person is, the writer is kind of saying a little bit more of maybe what they're, they're hoping for you or they're so proud of you or there's just,
00:37:49
Speaker
maybe a little bit more of those themes going through those letters. And then there's the legacy letter, and that's a letter that is written that is to really be given to the recipient when that person passes away. And my mom did write a legacy letter to me, and I share that in the book. She wrote this letter when she was very, very sick, and she had given it to my dad, and she wanted him to give it to me the morning of her funeral, and he did.
00:38:17
Speaker
But it was, it was just a few sentences because she wrote that when she was so sick. And that whole experience really taught me that, you know, a legacy letter is an incredible gift that you're giving someone, but you want to, it's really best to kind of do it when, you know, when you're not sick, when everything is fine because you want to put a lot of attention into it and.
00:38:41
Speaker
Um, and so I, I have a lot of journal prompts in the book of walking people through those, especially the legacy letter, like how they can do it. But, um, the bottom line is, you know, right now we're all feeling so disconnected from people. Get out a piece of paper, think of someone that you miss and just write them a just because letter. I just want you to know, I'm thinking about you. I miss you. Um, there's so many different ways you can do it, but I promise you.
00:39:12
Speaker
When that person goes to their mailbox, they will not be expecting a letter from you. It will be like the biggest gift you can give someone right now, especially because we're all missing people so much.
00:39:23
Speaker
Ah, I love that tip because sometimes I write like those little texts, but you're, you're so right. There's something different about opening the mailbox and getting that. Cause now I, you know how often I check my mailbox? Like maybe like once a week because I'm like, there's nothing interesting there. It's just like advertising and stuff. While before when it was, when that was the way we communicated, it was like a big deal for us to check the mail and growing up in, yeah.
00:39:50
Speaker
And growing up in Columbia, my grandmother lived in the States, and we lived in Columbia. My dad's from California. And we'd have to go to the post office there to get our mail. So we'd have to drive to the post office to get our mail.
00:40:06
Speaker
And it was like the best experience ever to open the little mailbox and see if there were letters. And it was usually from my grandmother. And so that's one thing I could probably find is a lot of cards, all these birthday cards every time our grandma will write for that. And it was such an amazing feeling. And I love that. Thank you. Those tips are amazing. And the legacy letter, I'm going to have to start doing that. Now, you recommend that we do it in handwritten form.
00:40:35
Speaker
Do you feel that there's something different about that than when it's typed? I think however you want to do it is, is exactly the way that you should just listen to your heart. Um, I mean, if you're someone that I personally like pen using pens and paper, and there's something just about like connecting when I do that. Um, I loved being able to see my mom's handwriting and my grandmother's handwriting. I mean, that to me is priceless. That means a lot to me.
00:41:05
Speaker
The texts and the emails and all that, yes, it's a great way to connect with people, and I do it as well, but I'm not printing out my texts. I'm not going to save them. I've had some really important emails that I always had the intention of printing out that never got printed out, and now I don't even have that computer anymore. That's all gone.
00:41:29
Speaker
I think it's easier to save something if it's a written letter. I will say that you could write a letter and you could literally drive it to someone and put it on their porch and ring the doorbell and say, hey, I left you a little treat outside your door and put it with some cookies. It doesn't necessarily even have to be someone that lives far away.
00:41:55
Speaker
I write letters to my daughters all the time. They write letters to me. We do it with my husband. Just like little handwritten letters on a piece of paper and we stick it on each other's beds or we put it on the mirror or you know, that's just such a treat to have. So you can write letters to even the people that are in your life, but it's just, you know, saving them. It's such a treasure and I have these and it's really like,
00:42:24
Speaker
I have a lot of nice things but all the letters that I have are probably my most precious items because they're written, they're love letters from the people that I love and that means more to me than anything.
00:42:37
Speaker
I agree. I have this big, you know, like, what do you call those? The big ones. I say Tupperware, but that's what I mean. You know what I mean? The big bins. Yeah, I have a big plastic bin with that. And it's usually like in the attic and once in a while, like I just want to go through it. And there was like one time I was opening and like reading this and I'm sobbing, reading some of these letters of
00:43:03
Speaker
I even read one from an ex-boyfriend and I know probably other people would be like, why would you still keep letters? And I told my husband, it was just so emotional because to know that you were loved and that somebody took the time to write and the things, it also brings something about you. It makes you believe in yourself sometimes more, to love yourself more when you've realized how much others see in you when you're reading these letters. Does that make sense what I'm saying?
00:43:32
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it means so much that people someone that someone who loved you took the time to think about you write that but you know, it also feels really good to write the letter when you're writing a letter to someone you're thinking about that person in so you're connecting to them and that feels really good right now. My dad turned 75 recently over the pandemic and
00:44:00
Speaker
course I wanted to be able to spend this important birthday with him and you know we had a zoom call and blah blah blah but I took I just took a piece of stationery and I literally just wrote him a letter from my heart and I sent it to him and he got the letter it took a long time actually for him to get that letter because it was it was during December but he got the letter he called me and he was just like Dara that was
00:44:29
Speaker
such a keeper. Like that letter meant so much to me. I'm going to treasure it forever. And I mean, that meant more to me than him saying like, Oh, I love the gift that you got me because you know, at the end of the day, it's not about stuff. It's just about taking the time to tell the people that you love and care about how you feel not holding back. And that's a way that we can honor
00:44:55
Speaker
You know, that's a way that I can honor my mom, is I can carry that forward and shower the people that I love with the love that she showed me.
00:45:05
Speaker
That is just now I'm like, okay, I have to improve my penmanship before I start. That honestly, that's what I was asking. I'm like, can it be typed? Because that's my issue is my penmanship. And especially when I'm like emotional, I'm like, I don't even understand my own notes. Like right now I'm taking notes here. So I'm like, okay, I could use this as a title as I'm listening to your podcast. But then I go back and I'm like, wait, what did I write? What is this? I don't understand my chicken scratch here. So I want to say this to everyone listening.
00:45:35
Speaker
Here's the deal. There are no rules. Okay? It doesn't have to be perfect. Just do what works for you. It feels right for you. And if that's writing a letter with, you know, paper and pen, great. If that's doing it with a typewriter or a computer, great. Just, you know, do what works for you. I am actually a terrible speller.
00:45:59
Speaker
Thank goodness for word check, spell check with everything that I write. And I promise you that there have been a lot of letters that I've probably given people over the years that have had words that haven't been spelled correctly. It's okay. At the end of the day, it's just really about what you want to say to the people that you love. I'm pretty sure if I did spell something wrong, my dad isn't focusing on that. He's focusing on
00:46:29
Speaker
what I said from my heart. I love this. I'm like, I'm so gonna start writing. I'm not, I feel like bad. I'm like, I need to start writing to my kids more like birthday cards longer, you know, or whatever. The little journals too, I've heard of people implementing this, doing little journal prompts
00:46:50
Speaker
on a book to your kids. So you write something on there and then they can respond. So it could be another way of kind of keeping letters is writing them in a journal for your children and then they can just have it. I don't know if you know this, but so I kept those journals with my daughters when they were little. Do you know this? No, no, I didn't know. Is this in your book? It is in my book. Yeah, let me tell you this.
00:47:19
Speaker
Yes. It was what caused me to remember that I even had the bag of letters. So I love that you brought that
Sharing and Connecting Across Generations
00:47:31
Speaker
up. So just real quickly, when my kids were little, I kept journals with each of them. I would write to them, put it on their bed. They would write back to me, put it on my bed. And we caught it like the mommy daughter sharing journal. And so we did that and then
00:47:46
Speaker
What happened was my daughter Zoe was in my room and she happened to open a drawer and she found the mother daughter journals that we used to have. And then that's when we were reading it, I was like, gosh, I wish I had something like this for my mom. And then that's what caused me to even remember that I had before the letters in my house. And so, um, during the pandemic, I, I made two journals for people that they can download for free on my website.
00:48:16
Speaker
I have a mother child journal and then I have a sharing journal and they are, you can print them out and you can use them that way or you can just email them back and forth but it's like it'll have a prompt, it'll ask a question and then like you would fill it out and then you would put it on like your daughter's bed or your son's bed and then they would read that and then they have a question that they would answer and it's like it goes back and forth and so
00:48:45
Speaker
Those are, um, on my website, crazy perfect life.com. Um, and which one of the tabs and which one of the tabs I'm here right now, which one of the tabs is it in, in the, um, go to the, um, go to the five, if you buy my book, click on get free gifts by like buy book, get free gifts. Um, so for anyone who buys my book, they can get five free gifts and two of them are the sharing journals.
Insights on Parenting and Journaling
00:49:16
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Got it. Got it. Okay. So clicking on the book itself, and then you can get the, the, the, the concept. Oh my gosh.
00:49:27
Speaker
That's amazing. I love that. Thank you so much for those tips. I can't believe how many tips I just got from you, just of how even just to shift just how I even parent. My kids are now 13 and 12. I'm like, man, I should have started that before. I did do, though. Go ahead. Go ahead. I feel badly.
00:49:53
Speaker
Oh no, I don't, I don't. I just wish. No, no, no, you're right. You're right. No, I'm just shifting. It's just, it's always a place to begin. Yeah, exactly. Like start fresh. Like, Oh, this sounds like something I want to bring in. And you know, here's the deal with that. Like there, when we did it, there were no rules. So like, if I put the notebook on my daughter's bed and I didn't get it back for three weeks, that was fine. Like,
00:50:20
Speaker
it wasn't going to become yet another thing that we had to do. It was just like, whenever they felt like writing to me or sharing or whatever, they had that and then they would put it on my bed. But it was super fun to kind of like walk into my bedroom and see, you know, a journal sitting on my pillow and same with them. Like I tried to do that for them as well. And believe me, there were, this did not go on forever. Like, you know, that was the intention. But, um, you know, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer,
00:50:51
Speaker
That whole thing just went out the door and I don't judge myself for that. It probably would have been a great tool for us to have used during that time period, but you know, I was just trying to get through the day. I wasn't, I wasn't trying to spread joy at that time. I was just trying to hang on with both hands.
00:51:09
Speaker
And that's, again, going back into being in alignment with, again, who you are, where you are in your life in that particular moment. Because even if I were to implement something and it is not natural to me in that moment, it would just not even flow for me to write something.
00:51:25
Speaker
So it would be forced. And so you have to do it in a way that's in alignment with you, with your children, or just with the loved ones that you have. And sometimes it may take a little bit of adjustment, right? Because it's something new. But again, doing something that's true to you. That is so true. OK, so any final words of anything I have not asked you that you might still want to share with our listeners? And then we'll go into how people can find you.
00:51:53
Speaker
Yeah.
Navigating Life's Challenges
00:51:54
Speaker
You know, I think just, um, life isn't perfect and we're all, you know, dealt challenges and we have a choice of how we are going to navigate the challenges that we face and we can help ourselves by being open, open and honest, asking for help sharing, releasing, um, you know, or we can,
00:52:20
Speaker
put a happy face on and pretend like everything's fine. And I think it just all comes down to doing the best you can and making a choice of how you want to navigate challenges that you're facing. Thank you so much for that. Thank you. And now for people to find you, and I'll make sure I write all this in the bio below and stuff here and the
Connecting via Social Media
00:52:48
Speaker
podcast
00:52:48
Speaker
info, but if you want to just say the best place would be your website and then your social media links. Yeah. So people can find me at crazyperfectlife.com. That's my website. And you can click on the link and get my book there. You can also, of course, go to Amazon. It'll, you know, it'll take you to all the places. You can find me on social media. I am on Facebook.
00:53:18
Speaker
which is at crazy perfect life. And I am on Instagram, which is at crazy perf life, crazy P-E-R-F life. I didn't set them up at the same time. Oh well. I know, I know that happens. It's the same. It's like for me, I'm like, I have certain, my podcast is so long. Yeah, it is what it is. It's sometimes so long too that it's hard to do the at,
00:53:45
Speaker
grief, gratitude, and the grain between podcasts. I'm like, that's a little long. So I'm like, grief, gratitude, podcasts. That's how I have it. You know what I mean? Because it's just so long. But I understand. Thank you so much. I could keep on asking more questions and learning more. And I could just keep going. My interviews sometimes end up being two hours long because I'm just so curious. And I always want to learn more. But I want to respect your time, too.
00:54:09
Speaker
It was such a joy to connect with you and have this beautiful conversation and be open and honest. And I know that we are going to be friends, and I'm so happy to know you. And I look forward to all the good things to come. I do too. Thank you so much. And good luck with the new puppy in this next year. Is he done with the puppy stage, kind of the biting, chewing, everything? Or he's still in that stage.
00:54:38
Speaker
You know, he's not. He's a challenge. You can learn all about Oliver on social media. He's a mess. He actually ate a pair of my underwear on the laundry. Literally, he grabbed it.
00:55:00
Speaker
I'm not always good about taking the clean clothes out of the dryer and folding them right away. That's why it's crazy perfect life, right? Crazy perfect because it's not really good. They sat on the dining room table for a really long time and Oliver went and snagged a pair of my underwear and swallowed the underwear and then had $4,000 worth of surgery. Oh, no. Really big for a couple weeks. I know, but he's fine now.
00:55:30
Speaker
Now I try to put the laundry away or put it so he can't grab it. But he's the kind of puppy that you have to watch. So we're- There you go. You learned something. You learned a lesson even from your dog, right? It's like when you take the laundry out of the dryer, just put it away. He just taught you that lesson by him swallowing your laundry. He's really honest right now. If you go into my dining room right now, there's a load of laundry sitting on the dining room table right now.
00:56:01
Speaker
There's no underwear. There's no underwear there.
00:56:04
Speaker
Oh, film the dryer. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that way he cancel. Socks too. Mine loves socks. Yeah, socks are comforting for her to hold. She only ate my dad's sock when we were away one time and my dad was babysitting her. And my dad's like, she ate my sock. And I'm like, no dad, she doesn't eat socks. She just holds them in her mouth. It's like, no, she ate through my sock. And I'm like, oh, she's really upset then that we're gone because she's never eaten through a sock.
00:56:34
Speaker
Anyway, they have their own way of communicating what it is they want to need from us too. Yes. Well, enjoy this new stage of motherhood, of puppyhood here with Oliver, and I look forward to keeping on seeing some of those cute pictures of him on social media as well. Thank you again so much. Thank you. I'm so happy to connect. Thank you. Same.
00:57:04
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:57:32
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.