Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Stay at Home Moms {Episode 37}
103 Plays5 years ago
A companion to our Working Moms episode (31,) this episode is all about Stay at Home Moms! In this episode, we dive deep into the topic of staying at home with your kids. Pros and cons from both within and society at large.
This episode is brought to you by William's Wondering Week and adorable book about a boy (William) who wonders what his mom does at home all day long!
Also mentioned:
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Homeschooling Moms
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're homeschooling moms to a combined total of 18 children. We know firsthand that motherhood is full of crazy chaos and overwhelming obligations, but it should also be full of love and laughter. Regardless of where you are on your journey, come join us as we work together to find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
Stay-at-Home vs Working Moms
00:00:31
Speaker
Hello and welcome back. We are on episode 37 today. We're talking about stay-at-home moms, kind of a second half to our working moms episode. And this episode is brought to you by Mascot Books and their recently re-released picture book entitled, Williams Wondering Week. It's the perfect book to teach children about the life and responsibilities of stay-at-home parents.
00:00:50
Speaker
In this adorably innocent children's book, William begins wondering what his mother does all day while he's at school. He comes up with various different activities, wondering if she's playing video games or going to the zoo. He just assumes that she's having fun without him. However, William soon learns that he does not have to wonder anymore. He just has to ask his mother what she does all day. He realizes that his mother is not having fun while he's at school. She's actually working very hard on cleaning, laundry, and other not so fun activities. With this new information, the two are able to bond and understand each other better.
00:01:18
Speaker
We love this book because it shines light on the life of a stay at home mom. The fact that the work doesn't stop when the kids aren't home and that kids sometimes forget how much work being a mom entails. Williams Wandering Week encourages imagination, open communication between parents and kids, and the value of both work and play. So we highly recommend this cute picture book and we'll link it in our show notes. Great.
Listener's Cat Chaos Story
00:01:43
Speaker
And today, as we promised you a few episodes back in our episode on working moms, we're going to be talking about stay-at-home moms. And we're going to start off with a humor segment. Yes. And I feel like we get our best humor segments from the full-time stay-at-home moms because we see so much.
00:02:02
Speaker
Nonsense. Yeah. And so much crap, as I like to say. And this one lends itself really well to that saying. So this humor segment was submitted by Thumbelina41 on Instagram. She said, well, about a year ago, I had to take our fourth daughter to the pediatrician. I get ready to load her in the car, late and in a rush, of course.
00:02:22
Speaker
and out of our van jumps our outside cat. She had apparently been locked in overnight, having gotten into something she wasn't supposed to eat earlier the day before she had a horrible poop in the van, but not just anywhere in our daughter's car seat. So I have to strip the car seat, wipe it out, line it with towels, load the toddler in the four month old, and then head out to the sick visit. The car stunk and the nurse laughed at our best late for appointment story ever.
00:02:54
Speaker
That is a pretty epic, that's a pretty epic late story. We actually had one of our, we have outside cats here too, and we actually had one get stuck in our car. I don't know if it was overnight, but it was like a lot of a day. And when we got in, she didn't hop out. We just heard this horrible scream meow. Like, what is that? It really freaked us out. It was like late at night. We're like, what does that sound? It was like her whining, get me out of this thing. I don't know where I'm going or what's going on. It's hilarious.
00:03:24
Speaker
Unfortunately, we have some funny cat in the van stuck in the van stories too. You think that they would learn, right? Yeah, just shut the door. Yeah, yeah.
Personal Experiences and Choices
00:03:39
Speaker
All right, and now we're gonna talk about what it is that stay-at-home moms do all day, and we're gonna talk about the pros and cons of being a stay-at-home mom, because both Bonnie and I have experience with being a stay-at-home mom, so lots of experience with both the pros and the cons.
00:03:56
Speaker
Yeah, we are, just like in our working mom episode, we are not trying to invoke guilt to anyone who doesn't stay home with their kids. We're just here to offer information, some support, and some of our own experiences as being stay-at-home moms. Specifically, the why, the financial how, what it looks like, et cetera. Yeah, so the why is kind of obvious. It goes along with, we'll talk about a lot more of the pros later, but mostly we stay at home to be with our kids because that's where our kids are.
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And when you look at people like us with nine children, it would really be financially impossible for us to leave home to work full time, like a nine to five, simply for daycare costs. You know, I haven't done the math, but I'm pretty sure I'd need to make like $500,000 a year to make that.
00:04:44
Speaker
been worthwhile. And then when you do work, there are a lot of extra hidden costs that you don't anticipate at the beginning, like a professional wardrobe and dry cleaning, eating out for lunch or breakfast just because you're exhausted and you don't have time, more eating out for the family, also because you're exhausted and no time. So just a lot of an extra car oftentimes or more gas money for a commute. There's a lot of things that can add to that working mom expense. So a lot of us choose to stay home simply for expense reasons.
00:05:14
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You're right. We would have to make an awful lot to even with kids in school, you know, with after-school care and yeah, it would be pretty expensive. So many moms envision themselves staying at home when they're pregnant with their first child and some others are surprised by it. I don't think I've shared the story of my neighbor yet.
00:05:37
Speaker
Maybe I have in another episode. Anyway, she was an engineer, mechanical engineer, and trained in loving her job. And her and her husband were expecting their first child. And she just expected that she was going to have her mat leave and then go back and enjoy her job and all that. But when her child was born, she just absolutely could not separate herself from him and put in her two week notice during her mat leave and stayed home and raised her kids.
00:06:06
Speaker
She was very surprised by it. Yeah, I think actually maybe you did share that in a in a previous episode, but that happens a lot. And I think I've shared as well that I had plans to go to graduate school and get, you
Identity and Role Transition
00:06:17
Speaker
know, at least at least have a part time job outside of the home and just couldn't do it. You know, and and I think that
00:06:24
Speaker
We just want to mention that so that if you are surprised by it, no, you're not alone. There are a lot of people who thought that their life would look a lot different. But if you've planned it and it ended up that way, then good for you, you know, for anticipating that and being willing to stay home with your kids. It can be a wonderful thing. Yeah.
00:06:39
Speaker
And then we wanted to mention if you didn't have a full-time stay-at-home mom as a child to model your behavior after, it can be kind of tricky to figure out what this looks like. So I remember being, and I did have a mom who stayed home most of the time when I was a child, but I didn't really know what to do those first couple of years, especially with just one kid and I didn't have another job or really anything else to entertain me. And it was a lot of lonely time, a lot of boredom.
00:07:05
Speaker
I did a lot of shopping because it got me out of the house and around other people, even though we didn't have the money for it. So that was a stressor in my life. So there's a lot of things to deal with at that adjustment. And most of us don't go from, whether you planned on staying home with your kids or not, most of us didn't go from staying home to staying home with a child. We went from working to staying home with a child. So that is a huge adjustment to go from seeing people every day and having a fulfilling career or not fulfilling career, but either way getting out of the house
00:07:35
Speaker
And then all of a sudden, you know, having your life completely revolve around one or two little people or more and your own house, it can be kind of frightening. Yeah. You know, that's interesting to think about. I didn't I sort of didn't didn't have a stay at home home. My mom was always there when when we were at home. But she had a daycare that childcare, she did childcare. So she was always very, very busy with her time. I guess it would kind of be like
00:08:04
Speaker
I don't know, like me having a bunch of kids. But it was her business. She was doing it to help bring in extra money. And then after a while, when we were all of school age, then my mom went and worked in the school system so that she could be home when we were home.
00:08:21
Speaker
So, that's interesting what you say about, you know, not knowing what to do and how to behave as a stay-at-home mom. I think I kind of went through a transition period there, too, where I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself, because I also went from working to, you know, being a stay-at-home mom, so. Yeah, yeah.
00:08:40
Speaker
So the financial how. Now we did a really good in-depth episode about how to afford kids in episode 25 and that was a really good episode and lots of tips like we could just say everything again but we won't just go listen to that episode.
00:08:56
Speaker
Uh, but one, I think one of the most important things for me or for us to pull out of that episode is we sacrifice staff for time together.
Values: Family vs Materialism
00:09:08
Speaker
And, um, so for our family, that looks like, you know, we don't have a boat, but that doesn't mean we don't spend time together. We go, um, rent a boat. And if we want to go to the lake or we, you know, just go swim in the water together at the lake together or something like that. And we just don't have the,
00:09:27
Speaker
possession of a boat, is what I'm trying to say. In fact, my teenage son, we were driving home, oh, this is several years back, and we were driving home and my husband was pointing out something that the neighbors had, some possession that was a boat or a plane or, you know, a car or something, and my son, my son's sitting in the back and he says, in his sarcastic teenager voice, he says, yeah, his wife works.
00:09:56
Speaker
Yeah, and all you do is sit around on your butt, Audrey. How irritating, you know? The nerve in you.
00:10:09
Speaker
OK, so anyway, just the basic thought of sacrificing things for memories and time together. Again, I'm going to point people to Live Free Miranda and the Live Free Creative podcast. Her whole mantra is less stuff, more adventure. And I think I can fall in line behind that one. Yeah, yeah.
00:10:31
Speaker
Then another thought to keep in mind is if you're a stay-at-home mom, you're not going to be a stay-at-home mom for life. Your kids are either going to move out at some point or go to school or reach a point where they don't need a mom at home to wipe their butts and make their meals or whatever. So then that will be an opportunity for you to start working. You can work out of the home like Bonnie and I do, or you can get a job or something. So the stay-at-home mom period is not
00:11:00
Speaker
a forever thing.
The Labor of Motherhood
00:11:02
Speaker
That's kind of something that helps me keep in mind about little kids. Just in general, raising little kids is not a forever thing.
00:11:11
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And you know, motherhood is so unique in the fact that it really is a job. It requires a ton of work and sacrifice. And it's the only job I know of that requires so much intense labor and devotion for a handful of years. And then your goal is literally to work yourself out of a job.
00:11:32
Speaker
right? Like a good mom is one who trains her children to not need her. And that's a really unique thing. And something that causes a lot of emotional angst, I think that number one, it requires so much work out of us. But that number two, we're actually not supposed to be our children's
00:11:50
Speaker
I shouldn't say it like that. We are their mom forever, but we're not supposed to care for them physically forever. We're supposed to for a short time and then we teach them to care for themselves and then we teach them to go out and make something of themselves. And I just think that it's important to remember that because number one, it can help us from getting lost in the work of motherhood. And remember that we're still a person, we're going to have time when they're gone, we should still
00:12:14
Speaker
as best as we can try to develop our own talents. And number two, just to try to enjoy those years, even the chaotic poop filled screaming ones like my day today, which is crazy, but try to enjoy it as much as we can because it will not last forever. And I know I hate saying that because I used to get so irritated when some grandma at the store would tell me that, oh, just enjoying them. And my kids are like screaming and climbing all over me. And I'm like, you enjoy them, you know?
00:12:40
Speaker
But it's just an important thing to remember that 18 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things, it just really is not, you know? Yeah. You know, I think another part of this is part of our identity is being a mother once we're a mom. That's just part of our identity. But I have seen some women, just some that I know and some, you know, just observing them from afar that they kind of lose their identity after their children are grown and don't need them to be
00:13:10
Speaker
mom anymore. I mean, you know, once you birth a child, you're always a mother, but you're not needed as a mom after a certain point. And I have seen some women kind of lose their identity after that because it is a huge part of who we are when we're a mom. It's everything to us. It's all our being. And I love what you said about remembering to
00:13:31
Speaker
to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally and your identity, who you are. Yeah, absolutely.
Prioritizing Relationships and Self-Care
00:13:39
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. And along those lines, your relationship with your husband can often suffer. So I seem to see the same thing, that kind of loss of identity when children leave home, and also some struggles in marriages when kids leave home. Because all of a sudden, it's like, oh, I'm stuck with you again. What's your name again?
00:13:57
Speaker
We've barely seen each other for the last 20, 30 years as kids are crazy. But to not make your husband a priority during those those young child years can be a really dangerous thing. And so that's kind of one of my biggest tips for young moms is that if you are not a priority for yourself and your husband is not a priority, then the kids will leave and you'll be left alone with you and your husband.
00:14:20
Speaker
and relationships with yourself and your husband that are not healthy. And it's so important to make those priorities even when the kids want to take up every last second of your time. Yeah, 100%. Any relationship that can withstand the rigors of children and beyond is amazing. Yeah, one to stick with, that's for sure. Yeah.
00:14:42
Speaker
So, Audrey and I both really feel blessed to be able to stay home. We know that there are many people that ache to do that and that cannot financially or for other reasons. But we just want to say if it's a priority for you and you just can't seem to find a way, keep trying. It's really worth trying to find a way to make that work if you feel like that's the right path for you and your family. And if it's not, no guilt there either. But I do know that sometimes it just takes some prayer and some thought and some
00:15:10
Speaker
a good hard look at the finances to make it work. I remember watching a show, I wish I could remember what it is, 60 Minutes or some news show back in the day that analyzed a family that both parents were working, both mom and dad, and the mom really hated it. She wanted to be home with her babies.
00:15:29
Speaker
And she said, we just can't afford it. We just can't afford it. So they had some financial experts sit down with her and look at the finances. And in the end, after all her expenses, like we talked about earlier, the commuting and the wardrobe and daycare and everything else, she was netting $100 a month.
00:15:47
Speaker
from her phone. And when they broke the news to her, she just sobbed. She's like, I'm leaving my babies every day for $100 a month, seriously? And she quit. And again, if working is the way that you want to live your life and that gives you fulfillment, and that's the thing for you and your family, do it. And do it proudly. But if it's not, and it's something that you've really struggled with and you want to stay home with your kids, there just might be a way. And we just want to put that plug in to say, keep trying if it's really, really important to you.
00:16:15
Speaker
Okay, now we're going to talk about some of the pros. What Lots of Time with Kids does both for them and for us. So some things that have lots of studies have been done. We're not going to link them or cite specific ones. You can go look them up. But apparently when
00:16:33
Speaker
Kids are with their parents in the preschool, pre-school years. They are smarter when they start school. They're happier. So I don't know how they measure that one, but apparently.
00:16:47
Speaker
Happiness is up there on the scale. Being with your mom makes sense, right? Something I've noticed in my kids is that they're more settled and calm when I'm with them than when I go away and I come back and they're pretty crazy and they have to be a time period of calming, settling down for them to get kind of back in their rhythm and their routine.
00:17:09
Speaker
And part of that is just someone being in tune with their needs and what they need. And that whole mom intuition that we talked about in episode 27, I think it is, that it's given to us to help our children.
Cognitive Benefits for Children
00:17:24
Speaker
And if we're with them, then it's obviously helpful to them. If we're not with them, I think we talked about in that episode how just spending more time with our kids helps develop that more. And so I think
00:17:37
Speaker
I understand that not all families can have a one, you know, live on a one income or have a mom stay at home. But I do think that if at all possible, it is the best option for the kids and for the mom, both.
00:17:52
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. You know, I'm the kind of person that when I went into motherhood, I was excited about having babies, but also a little bit anxious because I've never been a big kid person. I just don't really like kids. And you know, and you said nine of them.
00:18:09
Speaker
Yeah, now I love my children, don't get me wrong, and I love my nieces and nephews, and they're so much fun, but that's just not really my personality to play with them and get down on their level. So when I say this, understand that sometimes it's a struggle for me to make sure that they stay a priority above my other interests in my life, but when they are, my life is so much more fulfilled. I have learned lessons from my kids, and I'm talking stay at home during the nitty gritty, horrible days that I'm thinking I'd rather be anywhere but here.
00:18:38
Speaker
I've learned lessons that I don't think I could have learned really anywhere else. You know, families are put together for a reason. I really believe that. And I think that the things that, you know, like you say, I love how that phrase you use, they work things into us and we work things into them. It's work, right? And the family is a lot of work. But as we do our best to improve each day in our relationship, the more hours we have together, the quicker we get better at those relationships, you know? Yeah, absolutely.
Challenges of Stay-at-Home Parenting
00:19:06
Speaker
But of course, that being said, there are some cons of too much time together. And if anyone understands those, it's homeschooling moms. Like, oh my gosh, if I have to look at your face one more time. No, I'm just kidding. But sometimes it's really, really stressful to have, like for me, it's the noise. The noise factor is just nonstop. And if I don't have five minutes of quiet during my day, I think I'm going to go crazy.
00:19:32
Speaker
So, you know, noise level, mess factor, the fact that, you know, we talk about making yourself and your husband a priority, but that's a little bit difficult when there are little kids there all the time that need you all the time. So I would say one little tip I want to share during this portion is to make sure that your children understand where your priorities lie. Now, they should know that they are way up there on your priority list, that nothing outside of the home comes above them, right?
00:20:00
Speaker
But they should also know that you have to take care of yourself first, right? They should know that, you know, you could even use a pet as an example, right? So tell your kid, you need to take care of your kitty, right? You love them and you pet them and you feed them and you water them. But what happens if you don't get enough sleep or you don't get enough to eat? How easy is it for you to take care of your kitty? It's not because you're suffering first, right? So mom has to do the same thing. And I found that that's really beneficial, especially for the little kids to understand, hey,
00:20:28
Speaker
I'd love to help you right now, but I literally haven't eaten any food today. That's not healthy. I'm going to eat my food and then I'm going to come help you with whatever that toy fiasco is that you're freaking out over right now, whatever catastrophic emergency you're having right now. Oh, that is such a good point because I do spend a lot of time sacrificing.
00:20:48
Speaker
Like, you know, even having to go to the bathroom for crying out loud. Oh, I'll hold it for like three, four hours because I'm dealing with kid stuff or whatever. And I'm like, my goodness. Okay. I just have to go to the bathroom, guys. Can I please just go to the bathroom? And it's no wonder that my bathroom would take like a half an hour because, but if I get in there behind a locked door, I'm going to take my time. Oh dear.
00:21:15
Speaker
No, it's true. It can be way too easy to let yourself slide. So you deserve basic human rights. Make sure you're getting those first before you're helping your kids. Thank you for that reminder. Yes, no problem.
Self-Compassion and Small Wins
00:21:28
Speaker
And then I also wanted to mention to just be graceful with yourself. Before this episode we started recording, Audrey and I were talking about how much
00:21:38
Speaker
is required of us as stay-at-home moms. So if you just think about the household logistics and running a household, that's basically a full-time job, especially with a bunch of little kids running around making sure they have food and clean clothes and the house is not so disgusting that someone's going to catch a disease from it.
00:21:54
Speaker
all these running kids here and there and making sure they're doing their homework, etc, etc. And then on the other hand, there's the actual mothering, loving your children and physically caring for them and etc. They're basically two full time jobs. And if you add in homeschooling or any other hobbies or jobs, it is a lot
00:22:10
Speaker
on your plate and sometimes it is just impossible to get to everything. And so when my life gets like that, I like to scale it back to the bare basics and realize it's okay if all we're doing today is eating and being together. It's okay if all we're getting done is diaper changes. And like we talked about in our survival times, those come fast and hard sometimes as a stay at home mom. Sometimes they come one after another.
00:22:35
Speaker
And you just get over one and there's another one hitting you for some reason and it can be so overwhelming. But even if years look like that, it's okay. You're doing what you're supposed to be doing, which is keeping your children alive, loving them and knowing them and showing them that mom will always be there. And just to be graceful to yourself and have a little bit of extra patience with yourself because you are doing an excellent job. Amen. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that.
00:23:02
Speaker
Um, you mentioned, you know, turning, doing, helping, making sure your kids have their homework done and you need to drive kids to this point and that appointment and turning into a chauffeur or you become a slave for everybody.
Societal Biases and Contributions
00:23:15
Speaker
Um, I think there's a real, uh, tendency that, um, to be undervalued both in the family and in society. I'm going to talk more about, um, society and societal concept, being a stay at home mom later, but you can't let
00:23:30
Speaker
like that come into the home and be undervaluing your job as a mom that you're keeping people alive and they would die without you there in the home. If something happened to us, our husbands would make other plans and provisions for the kids. But we are right now the plan to keep the kids alive and to keep them fed and to keep more than just the baseline,
00:23:59
Speaker
keep them happy and to educate them. And we need to, I think, first of all, not undervalue that in ourselves and then kind of protect it and not let others undervalue it as well.
00:24:12
Speaker
Yeah, and on the flip side, one of the pros that I've been thinking about is the fact that as a stay-at-home mom, we do have more time to take care of the house and the logistics of running a household. The work side of my life right now has been really heavy. And as I'm spending more time doing that, I'm realizing everything that is not getting done in my house. And I think for years, I really took that for granted. The fact that
00:24:38
Speaker
At the drop of a hat, I would have the chance to reorganize the pantry if it just wasn't working for us anymore. Or if my kid was growing out of clothes and he didn't have any shorts, I had the time to go to the store and pick him out some new clothes or to box up the stuff that didn't fit and put it away. I mean, just these little things that fill your day that you don't realize how valuable are for keeping your house in order.
00:24:57
Speaker
And it can really be a stressor when you don't have time for that. And so it's one of those things that is kind of double edged sword. You think, oh, if I have to go through one more box of clothes or if I have to do one more load of laundry, but at least you have the time to do it, right? At least you can. And it might not ever look like it's put away, but every load you do means your kid has a drawer full of clean clothes. I'm so proud of you. Look at that. It's amazing.
00:25:21
Speaker
To actually get to these tasks that need to be done, and they need to be done every single day, and it's very easy to undervalue that, like you said, but it's very, very important. I think most of us, most of our husbands don't know what it's like to open a drawer and see it empty, or at least not have it close at hand in a clean basket, right? We'll give you that if it doesn't go away. The magical laundry fairy that keeps everything. She was here. She did it again.
00:25:50
Speaker
You know, it's so easy to complain if there's not clean clothes in a drawer. You know, my kids are like, hey, I don't have any clean jeans. But how often do we remind them to be thankful when there is a clean, full load drawer of clothes or whatever? We can help our kids appreciate us too, teach them to appreciate us.
00:26:12
Speaker
Well, that's a really good point because I think that there is nothing so irritating as an adult who has no clue what kind of service is done for him or what is required of life, you know, like the young adults that go out into the world and they have no clue what it takes to run a household, no clue what it takes to load a dishwasher. But by showing them at a very young age, hey, did you see what I was doing all morning long? I was working on this laundry. I really don't appreciate that you just took your clean clothes and dumped them on the floor.
00:26:38
Speaker
to keep your kids aware of what you do for them so that they are grateful and so that they, you know, it's a win-win. You'll get more love and they'll become better contributing members of society as they go out and try to serve others because they know how much work being alive digs. So other pros are being available and at home to homeschool your kids.
Community Engagement
00:27:00
Speaker
This is not to say that if you are working that you can't homeschool your kids. I have seen
00:27:07
Speaker
some very good friends of ours the dad homeschooled the kids in his hours after he got home from work and that was their model yeah yeah that was their model and um
00:27:19
Speaker
It worked for them. I'm not saying you can't homeschool if you work, but it is a more common model for the mother or the stay-at-home parent to be the one homeschooling. So you have time and you're available to do that. Or if your kids are in school, you can volunteer or work at the kids' school like my mom did. Just imagine the situations because you're open and you have time. You can help care for a sick one. You can work on house projects, remodel, take up a hobby,
00:27:49
Speaker
etc. Lots of time available that isn't spent working. Yeah, sometimes it seems hard to find any extra but it really is there if you look for it and if you, you know, make it sacred that extra time that you have away from or not away from the kids but you know, when you're not doing household stuff.
00:28:08
Speaker
Yeah, don't waste it all on social media, right? Yeah, exactly. I know that's going to be really hard. In fact, just a tip there. So I've noticed that when my kids are down or all of a sudden I don't have any pressing needs to do right this second, it's easy to turn on my phone or whatever and just mindlessly scroll to kind of decompress. But I found that if I already have a list at the beginning of the day of things I'd like to do just for me, not even things I have to do, but
00:28:35
Speaker
You know, so laundry is mostly done, kids are down for a nap. Instead of just picking up my phone and accidentally wasting an hour, I know we've all been there and you're like, shoot, that hour's gone and my kids waking up. I like to have a list ahead of time of things I'd like to do. Even something as simple as paint my nails or read a book.
00:28:53
Speaker
or make a batch of cookies that I wanted, you know, to put it on paper so that I'm not going, oh, good, I can sit down for a couple of seconds. And there's nothing wrong with sitting down. But I just mean if you find yourself wasting hours that you wish you would have done something for yourself, that's just a tip to write it down ahead of time and say, I really want to read a chapter of my book. Do that first. And then you can check Instagram later. That's a great tip. You and I are great list makers, aren't we, Bonnie? I know. If you're not a list maker, I'm sorry. This podcast, I drive you crazy.
00:29:22
Speaker
Yeah, love list.
00:29:24
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And I mentioned earlier that being a mom and a household manager can seem like two separate full-time jobs, but I think that it's important to recognize the difference in that. So sometimes I'll be so busy with the household tasks that I will neglect the motherhood part of it a little bit, and I'll feel irritated because the household is still not clean and all picked up and nice and tidy, but I'm not spending enough quality time with my kids. So even with those two tasks, lists of tasks,
00:29:54
Speaker
it's important to have some sort of a balance so that you're able to still make your kids a priority. Has anyone had that happen? Like where you're running all over town, even as a stay-at-home mom, and you realize, I haven't even really connected with my kids today. And that really should be my number one priority, right? Is to be the mother and not necessarily just the household manager, although it feels like you're doing more of that sometimes. Oh, hey, I just had an idea, something that you could do to help you, us, to help us.
00:30:25
Speaker
value what we're doing and to see everything that we're doing, like how we are working to full-time jobs. So you could make a job listing as if you were going to hire a household manager and put everything on the list that they would need to do. And then you could make a separate job listing for a mom or a care provider and everything that they would need to do.
00:30:47
Speaker
Just look at the list. I bet that would be pretty amazing. Oh, I'm talking about lists again. Oh, well, that's who we are. I was going to say, wait, is your tip to make a list?
00:30:58
Speaker
It is to make a list. We're on the same wavelength. No, I love that idea, especially if you have ungrateful children or maybe even a wonderful husband who doesn't quite fully understand everything that goes on every day to write that list and put it on the fridge. And in fact, it could even be a family activity and you could have everyone make lists of the obligations that they have and the things that are required of them. You know, for a small child, it could be something as simple as play with my toys, clean up my toys.
00:31:25
Speaker
get dressed, use the potty, etc. For an older kid, it could be go to school, finish my homework, really dive deep on it so I've understood the concept, go to band practice, practice my instrument, help out at home, etc. I actually recently read an article about this and how to use technology to stay on the same page with a husband. It was talking about a software you could use to
00:31:46
Speaker
to do that. But it really got me thinking about sitting down with my husband and really both opening up and understanding each other's job requirements. Sometimes I just see him leave in the morning and come back at night and I don't really fully understand the pressures and stresses that are on him as a full-time provider. And he doesn't always understand the stresses involved in running the household all day long. So I love that idea. I think it's great. Yeah. I often wonder.
00:32:14
Speaker
Like, I just have this little imagined game I play. Like, what would it be like if my husband and I switched roles for a day and he stayed home with the kids and did everything I do in a day? And if I tried to, you know, go to work and do everything that he did in a day, like, I think we would appreciate each other more.
00:32:30
Speaker
Just thinking about that, like I have no clue how to do what he does. And he might feel a little overwhelmed at everything I have to do in a day too. Although I do say, I liked it, my famous line to him is, imagine you're at work and you're trying to finish a project and the kids come in and start pulling all your file folders out and throwing everything.
00:32:54
Speaker
That's the difference between your job and my job. Let's just give them a little bit of a hard time.
Critique of Societal Views
00:33:01
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. All right. So I'm going to say something that's maybe a little bit controversial. How dare you. Yeah. I think there is a war on motherhood right now in our society. Okay.
00:33:18
Speaker
And I'm not going to get political or go too much deeper into it than that. But I do think that being a mom, being a mother, being a stay-at-home mom is one of the least desirable jobs in our society or portrayed as one of the least desirable jobs in our society. I think there's pretty big societal pressure and bias against stay-at-home moms.
00:33:46
Speaker
And I'm not going to go too much farther into this, but I do understand the feelings of feeling that pressure and that bias and that undervalued as a stay-at-home mom. So say we get together with another couple, and we meet them, introduce ourselves, and they're like, oh, so what are you guys doing? They say to my husband, so what are you doing? He talks about what he does. And then they look at me, and what do you do? And then I kind of get stuck.
00:34:17
Speaker
Okay, yes, I stay home and I raise my children and I like, but how much do you want to know? Like if I say, oh, I stay at home with the children, then there's this huge kind of bias package that against that, that comes with that. Um, you know, they, these preconceived ideas of, I sit home with my feet up and eat bonbons all day or, or something.
00:34:38
Speaker
Or even that I have a low intelligence and I can't work outside the home, or I would never make it in a professional setting. I'm too dumb to work. I'm stupid. That's why I have to stay at home with my kids. I think I've probably said enough, but I do understand that there is that out there in society.
00:34:59
Speaker
No, I'm over here nodding emphatically. I totally agree with you. In fact, I think we've all been in a situation like that where we're all making introductions. And what comes out of your mouth? I'm just a stay-at-home mom. I hate it when I say that because I know how powerful being a mother is. I do.
00:35:14
Speaker
But it's really hard to make yourself feel valued when you say it like that because there are many people that are both mothers and have a full-time job or something else. And so for some reason, if you choose to stay home with your children and give them your full attention and full capacity, your full intelligence, that somehow that's looked down upon. And it doesn't make any sense at all. It really doesn't. But I totally believe you. I think that that
00:35:39
Speaker
Now, some circles are obviously a lot more friendly to stay-at-home moms than others.
Impact on Future Generations
00:35:43
Speaker
And hopefully, all of you out there have found a circle that's friendly to you, a church circle or a circle of friends or a library group or whatever that values what you do each and every day because it is so valuable. No one will value you as much as your children. And really, you can never have that impact on anyone else's life like you do on your children's. There's no one who will do an impact like that.
00:36:04
Speaker
You know what I'm gonna do next time somebody introduces themselves to me and I ask them what they do and they say, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm gonna tell them thank you. Yeah, yeah. Just to start changing the paradigm. I'm gonna say thank you. Thank you for caring for your kids and for making the future happen.
00:36:25
Speaker
Yes. Yes. We're literally raising the next generation, the politicians and the attorneys and the doctors and the moms and the dads and all of the people that will make the future happen. And I know that sounds really cliche and kind of hokey, but it's true.
00:36:40
Speaker
It's true. And it doesn't matter how lonely and isolating it can feel. I really feel like the most valuable things we do can seem like the most pointless sometimes. But if you can remember that, if you can post that on your wall sometime, you are raising the future, you know, or whatever sign that's going to really just keep you motivated and keep you going. Do it because you are valuable and and your children will let you know that someday. It will probably be 40 years down the road and it'll be. Yeah.
00:37:09
Speaker
Too late, he was like, you feel good about it today, but it will be worth it eventually. So I totally am right with you right there. Yeah, I was sitting with my five-year-old the other day. And my five-year-old and my two-year-old and I had this little preschool activity printed out for him. And it was cutting practice. And I was sitting there while they were clumsily hacking away at the paper with their scissors. I was thinking, OK.
00:37:33
Speaker
What value am I adding to the world right now teaching my children this cutting practice? Because, you know, if they never saw scissors in their life and suddenly, you know, if they never saw scissors until they were 12 years old and they picked up a scissors, they would figure it out how to use it, right? I mean, it's a scissors, right? So they pick it up and they figured out how to use it. So what is the point of me sitting here with my five-year-old and three-year-old as they hack away at paper with the scissors?
00:38:01
Speaker
And I don't know that I came to any profound conclusion other than everything that we've been talking about. It's me sitting here touching my kid, holding my kid, showing them that they're important enough for me to sit here while they hack away at paper with the scissors. And they matter that much to me. And also,
00:38:23
Speaker
I am having an effect on the future. I'm sending a kid out into the world that knows how to use those scissors. I don't know. No, I think you did come to a profound conclusion and that's that they matter. They matter enough to take your time and your energy and your love and your attention to sit with them and do something as mundane as hack at a piece of paper.
00:38:46
Speaker
And we've talked about this before, that when a child is misbehaving or is having a hard time, oftentimes the number one, probably most of the time, the number one thing you can do for them is to just be with them, is to just spend time. And as a stay-at-home mom, the majority of your time feels just like quantity, right? It's just a mass amount of time. You're just doing all these things. It's not a lot of quality at time. And we talked about this in the one-on-one time episode.
00:39:09
Speaker
But that's what they need, is they need quality, not quantity. That's what I meant to say. They need quantity of time with you. They need to know that they matter. And it doesn't mean that you can't raise great kids if you don't have a lot of time with them. But the number one way of showing them that is just to spend time with them. And so the more we can do that with him, the more well-adjusted, amazing, competent human beings they'll be. And we'll send them out in the world and be so proud of them. And that comes a large part from the time we spent with them.
00:39:38
Speaker
Yeah, the other day I was thinking about in our Mother's Day episode, I was thinking about what each of those three women said that they wanted for their children to send them out in the world. And I was thinking that because they have that desire for their kids and because we can have good desire for our kids and then we can send them out into the world just basically as loved humans, that's gonna make such a difference for them in their future. Yes, yes, totally. Yeah, I agree with you.
00:40:08
Speaker
And for recommendations, the only thing we really have for you is the book we mentioned earlier in this episode, William's Wondering Week. It's a great way to get kids aware of what mom does when she's home and they're gone and to hopefully have them value you a little bit more. Yeah, thanks for chatting about this this week.
00:40:28
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in. If you've enjoyed this episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd leave us a written review on iTunes. If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at OutnumberThePodcast at gmail.com and find us on Instagram at OutnumberThePodcast. See you next week. Hey, am I going on now or are you still got something else? Go ahead and I'll come back to this. I've been talking a lot, so go ahead.