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42. Why NOT me? - With Cristela Fowler
77 Plays4 years ago
Cristela Fowler shares her incredible journey with us. Her love story of how she met her husband Dave, as well as her grief journey of when he died from cancer. She became a widow and single mom to their son Noah, who was still a toddler.
She worked really hard to make sure she didn't lose herself in her grief and would lose the essence of who she was. It was already a tragedy that Noah would grow up without ever knowing his father, and she was not going to make that worst by not letting him get to know her true essence outside of her grief. She didn't focus on the "why me" mentality, but rather "why NOT me". There was a reason she went through all this grief, and she grew from it.
Her journey of motherhood and resilience, also turned to be one of finding love once again! She is now married to her husband Will, and they have a large blended family. Listen to her beautiful story of love, grief, resilience, family and hope!
Contact Cristela Fowler via FB: http://facebook.com/cristelafowler
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or for a complimentary coaching session: http://griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
Follow on FB: http://facebook.com/griefgratitudepodcast
Follow on IG: http://instagram.com/griefgratitudepodcast
Music: http://oneplanetmusic.com
Logo Design and graphics: https://pamelawinningham.com/
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
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Transcript
Introduction to Grief and Podcast Purpose
00:00:01
Speaker
really it was no why and it was the same my son the same sentiment of grieving the loss of his father that i'm like i don't want him to lose who his mom is as well you know what i mean like i'm like it would be a true tragedy that he lost the essence of his mom through this tragedy as well so i'm like you know casella
00:00:28
Speaker
You have to find it in yourself to still be who you were before this, but honor and carry this for him so that he doesn't feel cheated in life any more than he already has been. Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:51
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:08
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Guest Introduction: Christela Fowler
00:01:28
Speaker
Hello, hello, and thank you so much for tuning in today to listen to today's guest. Today we have Christela Fowler. Christela and I have, oh my gosh, known each other.
00:01:43
Speaker
I don't even want to say how long we are. A long time. We met in college and we actually haven't seen each other since probably graduation day. But we've kept in touch thanks to social media. Yay, social media.
00:02:00
Speaker
So, Christela is here to share her journey and I'm just so grateful that we've been able to stay in touch and that I've been able to watch all your love story, your motherhood, all your goals that you've set yourself to do, your career, everything just because of social media and that we've been able to keep in touch. So, welcome my friend.
00:02:23
Speaker
Hi, thanks for having me. This is great. I'm so honored that you asked and I'm so proud of this work that you've done with sharing these stories and your attitude and your energy just comes through everything. And so I'm just really flattered that you even asked to share my story. This is going to be the first time I actually share my story in this kind of
00:02:48
Speaker
Platform in Avenue, so I'm glad that it's it's definitely with someone that I feel really safe to do that with My friend and I Learned so much from even you and I've told you this before like when I would watch your own journey When you would share it and your attitude and your outlook in life has always been very inspiring So that's one of the reasons I was for sure wanting you to be on this show and be able to share a
00:03:17
Speaker
with our guests. So tell us a little bit
Christela's Career Journey
00:03:20
Speaker
about what you do. We were just talking right before we started recording a little bit of just like how you're used to doing Zoom and this and that. So just say a little bit about your work life a little bit and then we're talking from you. You're in California, I'm in Dallas. So share a little bit about that and then we'll dive in.
00:03:38
Speaker
Yeah, so yeah, like you mentioned, we met in college as we were both theater majors at Cal State Northridge enjoying that young and carefree life, and with a lot of hopes and dreams of
00:03:53
Speaker
what we were gonna learn and do in our theatrical careers. We graduated in 2001 and obviously life took us into different journeys and I did a lot of local theater, a lot of Latino theater in LA and realized what a lot of people do that there are a lot of actors and musicians and artists in LA. And just kinda understanding that
00:04:21
Speaker
you know, theater in particular in LA is really tough, you know, and for me being, you know, a local girl and having a really strong sense of family and rooted here in LA, I never wanted to take that leap of going across country and attacking the New York theater scene, which is, you know, obviously something anybody in art would want to do.
00:04:50
Speaker
In that process, I obviously did a lot of self-discovery both for myself and who I wanted to be and what I wanted in life and kind of stepped away a little bit in 2005 and 2006 and kind of got really like, okay, what do you want to do? What's important for you? And I kind of took on
00:05:20
Speaker
trying to find a career outside of theater and I by chance through a temp agency found a job with a food broker never heard of it before I it was like a completely different world that I didn't know existed and it's something that we all
00:05:42
Speaker
utilize the benefits of it in our everyday life when we go grocery shopping. And a lot of people don't even know it's an industry to this day. My family still cannot explain what I do. And I don't even think my my husband, all they know is I get
00:05:59
Speaker
I get yummy food and I get stressed out during certain periods, but then they're like, we don't know what you do in your office all day. So a little explanation, I work for a natural food broker and what
00:06:18
Speaker
natural or food brokers do is they present a portfolio of food products and we represent them into retail accounts and we support the brands, getting them into distribution, support with their packaging and promotions and what it takes to get their product from a concept that they might have to retail shelves and then support expanding that distribution.
00:06:48
Speaker
And so I've been doing that luckily for 13 years. I've been very blessed and found a very resourceful industry that through market crash and recently COVID, it flourishes because regardless of what we go through in life, everyone goes to their grocery store.
00:07:08
Speaker
That's always something that it's a safety, it's a go-to. So I feel very blessed that I found this industry and have met a lot of amazing people and build relationships, not just with work, but a lot of friends as well. So the broker that I work for now, it's called President's Marketing. It's a national broker. And I've been working from home, which is another blessing
00:07:35
Speaker
for 13 years, so it's really given me the opportunity to be a working mom but also be very present for my son and my family and through what we went through in 2013 and before. Having that flexibility even at that point was really amazing and it's interesting to see a lot of companies and people switching to working from home
00:08:02
Speaker
because you can do it and I'm like, I've been doing it for 13 years and you find that balance and it does save so much time and energy in terms of commute and office politics and things like that. So that's been kind of a little bit of a blessing in disguise.
00:08:18
Speaker
That is so amazing. And when you were describing what a food broker is, I was thinking then back into like the theater world, it would be basically what a manager or agent would be to an actor, like that representative towards in that field. So you basically like represent and support these industries. Yeah. And I work with a lot of entrepreneurs and self-starters and very artistic.
00:08:46
Speaker
people as well as a lot of very, you know, business oriented and analytical. So I've been able to find some creativity, even in the industry that's very kind of business driven. So, you know, that that it's so interesting that in a lot of avenues, how you can relate or utilize your theater experience more than people would imagine.
00:09:12
Speaker
You know, do you find that as well? Absolutely. Absolutely. It's so funny because even when I had the children's gym, and we've talked about this as well a little bit before, but even when I had the gym, because that's what I ended up doing when I finished our
00:09:26
Speaker
theater degree too, like I did like a year of going out on auditions and then ended up working in a children's gym, that I was still able to use even my theatrical experience even there, you know, and then the aspect of that human connection too and the relatability that you have to customers and that you feel comfortable speaking to others and things like that also came into play. And then now with the podcast, of course, like
00:09:52
Speaker
I can use some of my voice training, I guess. Yeah, it's interesting. Obviously, I'm not utilizing my degree in terms of performance or theater, but I do apply a lot of the things that we were taught.
00:10:11
Speaker
in not only my everyday, but professional life. And it's interesting to explain that to people, but I think unless you've been through a program like that, you realize the benefit of it. It just makes you a really well-rounded individual. Do you know what I mean? You can adjust to circumstances quickly, your personalities, or you can kind of read into people's nuances, because that's what we were taught.
00:10:39
Speaker
dissect a character and why are they the way they are? You know all those things I think has always helped me professionally.
00:10:47
Speaker
That could be, we could even make this whole podcast just be about that. The aspect of that shifting into what we might have studied, right, to then what it turns out, but still how we bring on to the table all these other learnings. Like my kid is always saying, like, why do I need math? Like, mom, do you use math? And I'm like, I may not, but somebody else in other careers, and they do. So we use those things, right, in our life. And so that is awesome.
00:11:15
Speaker
Now, let's go kind of do a little segue.
Meeting Dave and Relationship Development
00:11:19
Speaker
Did you meet David, your first husband, in your theater environment? Or how did you end up meeting him and take us into that journey and how that flexibility and improvisation even came into play a lot in that next stage of your life?
00:11:40
Speaker
Yeah, so I first met Dave in 2001, that summer after we graduated, and a couple of other theater people and friends of ours kind of in the same situation, like, okay, we have a degree, now what? Now we need to get a job, right? And I had a couple of friends work at a day spa in Santa Monica. So Dana, do you remember Dana Tomczyk?
00:12:08
Speaker
Yes. It's like, we're going to have to like, we're going to have to put all these people in our, in the credits. So they know that. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. She's going to love it. She got me a job. And it's funny because she's been part of, you know, both of my relationships. But so she. Let's leave the audience intrigued for step two. Yes. All these sub characters, right?
00:12:38
Speaker
So yeah, so she was working at a day spa in Santa Monica. And so she got me an interview there just doing customer service, checking people in and out. So I went and I interviewed, I think it was like within the month after we graduated. And my sister was moving back from Oakland from her residency. And we were like, why don't we live together? And so we moved to Culver City. And so I was close to that area.
00:13:07
Speaker
I started working at the spa and realized within people doing customer service and massage therapists and estheticians, there was a lot of
00:13:18
Speaker
performers there, actors, musicians, artists that because when you work at the spa, you have your own hours and it's flexible and it's very geared to it. It's kind of like any service, like you're a server or a restaurant. It's kind of the same kind of environment, which I didn't really realize. I didn't really know much of anything at that point.
00:13:45
Speaker
Dave was working as a massage therapist there and he was full into musician mode. He had a band at the time. They were trying to get signed and I remember, I don't know the exact date or the time we met, but he would come in and he was like, he would make an entrance in a room. Like you knew when Dave was there and when he was leaving, he was just always very full of life and
00:14:14
Speaker
obnoxious, some people might say, but I just remember seeing him around the spa, the facility, and a couple times he would come in on his days off, like pick up either tips or his check or whatever, and he was holding his daughter, who at that point was one. And he was just so proud of her. She was this cute little girl with like a big head of curly, curly, curly hair, just so adorable. And he obviously got a lot of attention for his cute daughter.
00:14:45
Speaker
And once we were just passing each other in the hallway and he just started talking to me and I was like annoyed that he would even like stop me to have a conversation with him. I'm like, what? Like, okay, old guy, you know, what do you, you know, like just keep, keep moving. And then my manager, the, the general manager of the spa saw that interaction.
00:15:12
Speaker
And he was like, so come here I'm like yeah he's like, stay away from the brown. I'm like, oh, don't worry about it. I'm like, I laugh like I'm like we're never going to be friends like I'm not going to know that guy but you know thanks for the heads up.
00:15:27
Speaker
That was kind of the extent of our, you know, relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, just like knowing each other. So I worked there for about two years and then my sister bought a townhouse in Encino in the valley. So we moved to the valley and I transferred from the Santa Monica location of that spot to Sherman Oaks.
00:15:51
Speaker
And I worked there for about two years. And then that's when I was like, oh, I need to get real about my life and my career. And I need a real job with benefits and all that good stuff. And that's when I went into trying to find a real career and went into the broker world. And I think it was May of 2008. So we met in 2001. So this was about 2008. It was Mother's Day weekend.
00:16:18
Speaker
We were at the now Sherman Oaks Galleria, the new one. And I was with a friend and I went into a shoe store and I saw Dave and he was there with his daughter who was I guess six or seven at the time with his mom and his sister and they had just had like Mother's Day brunch.
00:16:40
Speaker
And, um, he was like, Hey, Cristela, I'm like, Hey, yeah. You know, and it was still kind of like awkward because I'm like, I remember you were kind of like, you know, loud and obnoxious, whatever. And I was trying to like, not be rude, but like not engage. And, um, and then he had, he had his daughter, his mom, literally like they were right there next to him. Like they were watching us like have this, like, you know, just greeting. And, um, so then.
00:17:08
Speaker
At the end, I was like, okay, we'll buy, you know, whatever, trying to keep it short. He's like, well, can I have your number? And I was like, Oh my God, what do I say? Like, and they were all like staring at me. Um, and I was like, sure. So I gave it to him just thinking like, okay, if he calls or just like ignore it, or I'll just blow him off. Um,
00:17:31
Speaker
And he was a single dad. Did you know he was a single? Yes. I knew. OK. Yeah, I think he told me then at some point, I'm sure I'm sure in that brief, I don't know how he had that came up. But yeah, I knew that that he was a single dad at that point. Yeah. So I think it was like a couple of weeks. He called me and like we talked and
00:17:58
Speaker
I was like, fine, I'll go on a date with you. And I remember he picked me up and I was just sitting so far away from him, literally leaning on the door. And I don't know what I thought. I was just like, he was just this crazy, loud ladies man that I thought. And I was like, what am I doing here? And I knew he was older than me, obviously.
00:18:28
Speaker
I just didn't know how much how how much older and you know he looked really you know he was fit and looked young so I just was like okay maybe 10 years and that night I found out we were he was 17 years older than me.
00:18:45
Speaker
Oh, I would have never known that. Yeah. Because I've only saw him in the pictures on Facebook and stuff. Oh, wow. No, he did carry himself really well. Yeah. And then I remember laughing. I was like, what are you doing? I think at that point, I was 29. I was 29, and he was 48, something like that, like 47, at an old, for me, you know?
00:19:11
Speaker
And I was just laughing at it. I was like, you have some nerve. Nerve, yeah. I'm like, what are you thinking? And there was a moment that I was like, OK, this is just a normal guy. He's not this boogeyman that I thought. And so I kind of let my guard down a little bit. And we had a great conversation. It was such a good time.
00:19:38
Speaker
You know, by that point I was like, okay, you know, you can open the door for me and, you know, like, I'll, you know, humor you. And, um, at the end of the night, he was like, I'm going to marry you. I was just like, okay, Dave, sure. Okay. Like it was fun. Like I humored you, but you know, like, don't get crazy. Um,
00:19:59
Speaker
And that's kind of how we ended the night. And like, we talked a little bit on and off for a couple of weeks after that. And, um, like he wasn't being that serious. I was like, well, it sounds about right. Like, you know, what I thought he was. And then a couple of weeks later, he calls me and he was like, you know, can I tell you something? I'm like, sure. And at this point, like I'm still not taking it serious. And he's like, I was seeing someone when we were, went on a date. And I was like, of course you were.
00:20:29
Speaker
Um, he's like, did you know, I'm like, no, but I figured, I don't know. I'm your Dave Brown. And so he was like, you know, I really feel like I'm going to marry you. And so I ended it with her and I want to start clean and I want to like really do this. I'm like, why did you do that? I'm like, I don't, I just, he's like, I just met you. Yeah. I'm like, we went on one day, dude, like.
00:20:54
Speaker
calm down, you know? And he's like, well, he's like, no, even if it doesn't work out, it wasn't a good thing anyway. And, you know, he, there were other like issues. I'm like, well, if you did it for you, that's great. You know, good for you.
00:21:09
Speaker
And I was like, well, thanks for your honesty. You know, like, can I just say something? I hope a lot of guys are listening to this and taking notes as they're listening to this episode of all these like, confidence, you know, like, little tips that Dave is kind of sharing about Dave very confident, he knew what he wanted, and how he pursued you. I'm like, I didn't know all this love story. I'm like, but
00:21:36
Speaker
Well, again, let me remind you, he was 48. He wasn't like a spring chicken. So I think this was a lifetime of experience to get him to that point, which helped him at that point. He made all those mistakes and kind of learned from them. So we went out. And again, I'm like, I just had such a fun time. I'm like, yeah, let's go out again. And then we had a great second date.
00:22:04
Speaker
We're a little bit more honest about, you know, who we were, what he wanted, you know. And, you know, obviously I knew he had his daughter. I'm like, oh, you know what?
00:22:16
Speaker
It's funny, I think about it now, but I'm like, I don't know if I can be a stepmom and that's a big responsibility, you know. Wait. Oh my God. I'm laughing until, wait, you guys, you guys really hold on tight till the end because listen to what you just said, because wait, wait until you hear part two of this story basically. Yeah. Go ahead and continue. But no, it was a big concern. Yeah.
00:22:42
Speaker
And then, so we kind of talked about that and I was like, I don't know. And we're very careful. Um, you know, we would only, you know, even just talk on the phone when he didn't have his daughter. Um, I just was like, I remember once we were on the phone and he was going to school to pick her up and he's like, Oh, I'm picking her up. I'm getting on the car. I was like, okay, I gotta go. Bye. I didn't even want to, um,
00:23:06
Speaker
You know, I'm like, can we just pretend that that's not there for now? Because I just don't know, you know, I was just like, that's a big undertaking. And then, you know, feelings started growing. And, you know, I was like, he's such a such a good guy. Like, I just he won me over, you know,
00:23:29
Speaker
And so- How long did it take? So this is 2008 that you met them and you dated them for how long that you actually like then started to- I don't know, like three months. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also like I'd been single in LA for nine years and a lot of ups and downs with dating and other relationships. And I think when you've had the opportunity to do that, when you know something feels good for me,
00:23:59
Speaker
You know, I'm like, if this feels good, why, why question it? Do you know what I mean? Like if this is a connection and you have fun, I'm like, I didn't want to try to find the reasons not to.
00:24:14
Speaker
Because at the beginning, you were allowing... Yeah, I think at the beginning too, you were allowing other people's concept or a preconception about him to affect what you thought of him. Because when that woman and the spouse said, don't mess with him or something like that, you're like, oh no. You know what I mean? You basically kept your guard up a lot based on what others maybe perceived him to be too, do you think? No.
00:24:41
Speaker
He was so everyone thought and he was like, yeah, yeah, no, no, he was that it took him, you know, it took him. And he would say that, you know, being a single dad and raising his daughter and raising a girl really brought a lot of perspective to him. And he did a lot of in that time.
00:25:01
Speaker
You know, like what kind of father, what, like, what do I want? Who do I want to be with? You know, so he had done a lot of growing. And by that time, the interesting, it was, it was a man, it was, his name was Brian, the general manager at the spa. He was the massage therapist department manager when we connected in 2008. And this guy, Brian and Dave were like best friends at that point.
00:25:29
Speaker
So just to kind of show you like his kind of development in that time as well. So like we had both grown in that time. You know in terms of our maturity and like you know what we were looking for. You know the age thing.
00:25:46
Speaker
It would just come into play when I would think of like, okay, what is this going to look like in 10, 15 years? And, you know, obviously at that point, I'm like, I do want kids and I do want my own child. And like, would, are you, how do you feel about that? And he was always very like, you know, I've never had my own family with my, my child that I didn't have to share and raise it with my partner that I can partner in life with.
00:26:15
Speaker
So he's like, I know it's crazy, but he's like, I would want that with you. And that was obviously one of the conversations that we had and, um, you know, wanting to make sure he was okay with that. I was okay with that. And because he was so young and full of life that I just never thought it would be a problem, you know, that, um, in terms of like his age and being able to be present and active and active father. Um, and so.
00:26:45
Speaker
Um, it was about three months, I would say, when we were like, okay, this is serious. And then it was another time where, uh, he was picking up his daughter from school and I was on the phone and this time I didn't, I didn't run away. I didn't hang up the phone. And as soon as he, she saw him, you could just hear this little girl, um, yell daddy and like
00:27:10
Speaker
Like I could imagine her just running to him and jumping in his arms and I'm like, oh my God, I'm in trouble. Cause you saw a whole other side, a whole other side of him then and the cuteness. Yeah. Yeah. As a dad and you know, I'm like, Oh, this is really a different person that I knew in the spa. Um, so, you know, eventually, um, you know, I was the, I met Kayla and I mean, we just hit it off from,
00:27:39
Speaker
from the beginning and we just had a really, really strong relationship and she did show me a lot about becoming a stepmom and really supporting her and like, you know, just kind of like, it's interesting. I always thought like, you know, in all the Disney movies, the stepmom's always like, you know, the wicked stepmom and you know, like,
00:28:06
Speaker
There's not a whole lot of good narratives. And I just wanted to not ever be that for her. And I always told her, I'm just bonus. I'm not bonus mom. I'm not bonus dad. I'm bonus whatever you want. Bonus friend, bonus therapist, bonus whatever extra you need in your life. Kayla, you come and tell me. You come and talk to me. And I never pressured her.
00:28:33
Speaker
And it really kind of helped us solidify, you know, our dynamics with her. I mean, she always felt, you know, she was a part of us when she was here and she was, you know, a part of her mom's family when she was with her mom. So, you know, I really rely on that now.
00:28:52
Speaker
you know, in my new situation. Yeah, yeah. Hold it. Hold the horses here. Let me guide you into because I want to make sure that we get all these little pieces of this. And it's so amazing how many details and that you remember still, you know, all how you met Dave and things too. And what a beautiful connection that you were able to develop.
00:29:18
Speaker
So then you guys got married and take us into that and then into when it kind of turned to turn. Yeah. Yeah. So then we got married in 2010. Um, and shortly after that, um, we started looking like, okay, um, if we want to have, you know, a baby, you know, we might need to start, you know, buying a house or a townhouse or something. So we started.
00:29:45
Speaker
Oh, one thing I did want to mention is that Brian, the general manager, was actually in our wedding. So it's a nice full circle from him telling me to stay away from him to him being a groomsman at our wedding.
00:30:07
Speaker
And he had, again, they created such a bond. They eventually were brothers. So it was just, again, to just really show who Dave was and how he built really, really strong relationships with people. And he was the kind, as soon as you know him, he's your best friend. And everyone would say that. I just feel like I'm his favorite, right? My sisters are like, well, I'm his favorite. Or my friends are like, I'm his favorite. I'm like, sure, sure, sure.
00:30:37
Speaker
He just had that kind of charisma. So that was in 2010 that we got married and then we started looking to buy a home. I think it was, yeah, I guess like in 2011, we purchased a home in Van Nuys and moved in there. And then within the month that, or like two weeks after we moved in, I found out I was pregnant.
00:31:04
Speaker
with Noah, with our baby. And, you know, one of the things I thought about a lot, especially in that first relationship, because with David, every process, every stage, I always thought something was going to happen. I even remember like, I'm like, Oh my God, my parents are going to kill me. They're going to like,
00:31:28
Speaker
Like, what are you doing with this guy who's 17 years older than you, who's been married before, has his daughter? Like, what are you doing? And Kendra, they fell in love with him, you know? And they were like, he's our son now, you know? And so we actually, you know, we lived together before we moved in. And I'm like, oh my God, they're gonna kill me, you know? Latino is very traditional. And they were like,
00:31:56
Speaker
Okay, well, if that's what you need. And I was like, really? I'm like, okay. And then, you know, we were looking into buying a house or like the wedding, you know, obviously the stresses of, of having a wedding. I'm like, oh, something's going to happen. And it was just like beautiful, you know, with family there. You know, it was a beautiful wedding. And then I was like, okay, I'm not going to get pregnant. That's what's going to happen. I'm like, I'm not, we're going to have issues with getting pregnant.
00:32:26
Speaker
within the year we were pregnant. And then I was like, what if there's something wrong with the baby? It was always something like in the, in my gut or in my heart or somewhere that I'm like, you know, this is too perfect. Like this doesn't happen to people like me, you know, like the, this kind of life just doesn't come together. And the baby was bored. And I remember like in the beginning I like
00:32:54
Speaker
was working out. And then as soon as like it was real, like you can see my belly, I was just like, I'm not moving. I'm not moving until this, you know, this baby comes out healthy, and I don't want to do anything to, you know, risk it. But Noah was born, I mean, Noah was
00:33:26
Speaker
Dave even coined the term, he was the town crier because he cried so much. It was just unbelievable. I'm like, I've never seen a baby cry this much. I'm like, how do people do this? How do they have more than one? It was so traumatizing. And I'm like, you're lucky because I don't even want to think about another one. This is it. This is it. We're good.
00:33:38
Speaker
How can I put this? He was like a tornado from from day one.
00:33:48
Speaker
And so, you know, that he was just a tough baby. And so we were kind of, you know, got through the first year of Noah's life, just barely, you know, we were exhausted and, you know, definitely grateful. And it was at his Noah's first birthday in March of 2013.
00:34:10
Speaker
Dave first kind of mentioned, he was like, oh, I got this little side pain. And I was like, okay. And then he went to the doctor like the next week, which, you know, that's one of the things because he did have ulcerative colitis. And so he had colonoscopies every year since I think he was like 25.
00:34:38
Speaker
And that was a preventative measure for detecting colon cancer early to deal with it.
00:34:48
Speaker
And so he had just had a colonoscopy the year before. So, you know, cancer was just not even in our thought. And he was, again, really healthy, took his medication, really in tune with his body and his job. He wasn't the kind like, you know, you hear people like, oh, when you're a parent or you're an adult, you kind of don't deal with things. Like as soon as he felt anything, he was at his doctor's office.
00:35:15
Speaker
Um, he was always on top of that stuff. So I just didn't really, it just didn't, I never even thought it was anything. And, um, he went in and the first time he came home, he's like, um, you know, they found something, I think it was in his liver. And he's like, they think it's cancer. I was like, what? Why? Like how? Uh, and I just was like, no, it's not, it's something else.
00:35:45
Speaker
Um, and then the interesting thing, like both of, so he had, he had two sisters or twins that were both doctors, um, or they are, and my sister's a doctor. And so we sent all, he had gotten an X-ray and all three of them called and they were concerned. And that's where I was like, Oh, okay. Okay. So we'll deal with it. I'm like, you're strong, you're healthy. You have a lot of support. I'm like, we're going to get through stage one. I'm sure.
00:36:14
Speaker
I'm like, you were just there, you know, a year ago. I'm like, it's, this is going to be fine. It's whatever it is, we're going to deal with it and you'll be fine. Um, and then he went in for a colonoscopy and they biopsied it. And every time we went to the doctor, it was in those two months. It was worse news.
00:36:36
Speaker
Um, they told us after the colonoscopy, it was colon cancer and it was stage four. And it's a very rare and aggressive form of cancer. And, um, they said the first time they had never, how did they, like, so even though he had had a colonoscopy just the year before, like just in one year by the time he went back.
00:37:02
Speaker
something that had not even been there or seen been seen was already a stage four. Yeah, that's why I just couldn't believe it. I'm like, like, wow. It was like, so surreal.
00:37:17
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, you know, we can beat this, you know, like, okay. But it's like every time we went to, we were at UCLA, we went to City of Hope for a second opinion and their diagnosis was worse. I'm like, when I tell you every time we went to the doctor, it was worse news than the time before. The first time they told us, you know, maybe two years with treatment,
00:37:47
Speaker
And we're like, no, no, that's not. I'm like, OK. And I remember even like thinking to myself, OK, they say too, but this is Dave Brown. Like he's not going to leave us like.
00:38:01
Speaker
maybe five, you know, five years to build memories with Noah, you know, Kayla will, you know, get her through graduation enough times so Noah can have his own memories. At that point, that was what I was hoping for. Your focus was for Noah to be able to remember who his dad was.
00:38:19
Speaker
Yeah. And have his own memories of him and Kayla get through, you know, the awkward teenage years and, um, you know, kind of get through that with her dad, even if he was sick, even if we had, you know, he wasn't at a hundred percent. Like if, if, you know, we can just get five years.
00:38:39
Speaker
of ups and down, like we would still have him. And then I think it was at City Hall, they told us like, it's you have six months to a year. And that was the final the first time I saw him.
00:38:57
Speaker
really break down and realize the severity of what was coming.
Dave's Cancer Diagnosis and Family Impact
00:39:04
Speaker
And, you know, once he started treatment, it was just so aggressive. He lost 30 pounds in like two weeks. And, you know, at that point, you know, I was still working full time.
00:39:21
Speaker
single mom, I mean, new mom. It was it was just an emotional just whirlwind of, you know, still trying to enjoy this new baby and this life that we created and realizing we don't know how long we're going to have it for. And that
00:39:47
Speaker
what we were gonna have wasn't gonna be what we thought we were gonna have. And, you know, telling Kayla was one of the most heartbreaking things. Yeah, because Noah was too little, you know, he was still a year old, right, in that process. So he really would have comprehended too much. So how did you both tell, did you both tell her? Did Dave tell her? How was that conversation?
00:40:14
Speaker
So obviously through the process, we were keeping her mother in the loop of updates. And, you know, obviously, you know, letting her know, you know, everything we knew. So when we, you know, talked to her, and we were like, you know, obviously, we all want to be there. We want Kayla to know that the three of us are going to be there for her, regardless what happens through this process.
00:40:42
Speaker
And she was, you know, obviously wanted to be there when, when we told her so the three of us set her down in our living room and told her the facts. I don't remember how old at that point she was. She was 12. Okay.
00:41:05
Speaker
I don't remember if we told her exactly like, hey, it's within the year. We didn't tell her that. We did tell her it was very aggressive, and that dad was going to be sick, and that it was cancer, and it was everything. The time frame, we didn't, because I don't even think we even comprehended what that meant ourselves.
00:41:29
Speaker
And so we wanted to be positive. We're going to fight this. You're dead strong. And we're going to do everything we can to continue to find joy and live our life. But obviously, it was just devastating. Let's say that was probably in May, early May.
00:41:56
Speaker
you know, he went through treatment and you know, a lot of support from friends and family outpouring. I mean, they had fundraisers and they did a concert that he played, I think it was a month before he went into the hospital, the spa where we worked at, they did a day where all the proceeds went to us and then the owner doubled it. It was just like an amazing,
00:42:23
Speaker
Like I was like floored by the love this man generated and the support that people that he hadn't heard from in five years, they were like, you know, we love you so much. And it was just like very humbling and sad because I don't know. I just feel like things like this, you know, it's, it's almost feels like it's people that are impact a lot of lives are the ones that kind of,
00:42:53
Speaker
I feel take on a lot of energy and I don't know if that's a manifestation but like I just have this theory on my own that I've kind of come up with that people that take on a lot or a lot for a lot of people are more susceptible
00:43:09
Speaker
Um, because they carry a lot. And that's kind of how I felt with David. Like he was the rock of his family with his sisters and his mom. And, you know, he was an anchor for even like, not only me, my sisters, my parents, like his friends, you know, just everyone felt such a personal connection with him. And, um, and everybody thought the same thing. Like, no, like not David, like not him, you know?
00:43:37
Speaker
So we went through that and tried every kind of like holistic, you know, Eastern medicine, Western medicine, like everything we could to try to, you know, try to lead a normal life and support his his treatment and
00:43:58
Speaker
try to add at this point sounds silly, but like another month, another three months, whatever it was I was buying into it. But that makes a huge difference, especially in a baby's life, right? So for you guys, even just adding that one month, two months, again, as you said, for Noah to be able to have even just one more memory with dad, that still was a lot of time.
00:44:25
Speaker
for in his little short life, you know, of Noah's little short life then. So buying a month was a big month for, for him, you know, for Noah first day. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, so yeah, so we live that way. So I guess it was, they gave you six months to a year. How long was the process? So it was in October of, um,
00:44:55
Speaker
2013, I think he was like in his sixth round of chemo. And chemo was not friendly to him. We spend like nights in the hospital where I just would go into the restroom and just pray to God.
00:45:11
Speaker
I didn't even know what I was praying, you know, like was I praying for myself? Was I praying for him to get through it? Was I praying for it? Mercy. Yeah. Have you been praying for mercy? Yeah. Like I would just like relief, you know, or just something like just for it to go one way or another, whatever it was going to be, because it was just so, it was like torturous and you know, you would have hope and then it would be taken away within 24 hours.
00:45:39
Speaker
Um, it was such a kind of roller coaster ride of emotions. Um, so he, but it was in October, like in the middle of October, like the day after, uh, he had chemo, um, he, he was going under, I think it was cardiac or like, he just wasn't, he wasn't breathing. He wasn't, it wasn't good. And I remember it was, um, it was he and I and Noah in the house and Noah, I remember this day.
00:46:06
Speaker
Um, he had just bought him a new outfit. He, they were doing picture day at his preschool or daycare. And, um, I remember I eventually, cause I was calling his sisters and kind of giving them an update throughout the night cause he wasn't doing well. And, um, uh, eventually I think it was like six in the morning and they were like, you need to call, you know,
00:46:31
Speaker
the paramedics. And I was just like, it was such a surreal moment. Because at that point, there was a moment right before I called Noah woke up.
00:46:42
Speaker
And I brought him into our room and it was just the three of us and I was trying, I was doing cold compresses and holding Noah and he was completely obviously oblivious. And that was the last time we were together, the three of us. The paramedics came and I remember I put him in the high chair and I put some cereal just for him to just be distracted there. And they came in and they took him.
00:47:06
Speaker
And then he went into the ICU. He was intubated by that night. And he was in the hospital for three weeks. And it was the same thing. One day he was good. The next day it was bad. At that point, I think his kidneys had given away.
00:47:26
Speaker
I remember just going through every scenario. I'm like, what is the best case scenario if we get him home and then he's in dialysis, but the cancer's still there. So then does he do chemo? What do we do? It was just so confusing and so difficult. And at the time I was 34 years old.
00:47:48
Speaker
Never did I imagine I was going to be in a situation where I had to make this choice. And I felt this obligation to his family and his sisters. And we were all like, who's deciding this? What are we doing? What's the road? What do we do? And I remember I lived in that hospital for three weeks. I didn't even see my son for three weeks. And it was just like everything in the world just stood still. I remember talking to friends the first week and then
00:48:17
Speaker
three weeks later, they were like, you're still there. Like what's going on? And it was just like everything stood still. And we just couldn't let go. It was so hard that we were there. It was like five months from the time we first got his diagnosis to being in the ICU with him.
00:48:43
Speaker
you know, really not there anymore. And then my friend Liz, Brian's wife, who've been so supportive with us through everything, took me to lunch and she had done, she was a social worker in her previous career and she just kind of had a
00:49:04
Speaker
you know, come to Jesus meeting at that point with me. And she's like, you're going to have to decide this. His sisters won't. Um, and she kind of walked me through the scenarios of the rest of my life in a very pragmatic and sensible way where she's like, you, you know, every holiday you're going to remember this.
00:49:26
Speaker
Do you want to remember this during Christmas, during New Year's? Do you want this for Noah? Do you want this for Kayla? And so it was the conversation that I needed in that moment. And so when I went back to the hospital, I remember talking to my sister, and I said, I need you to be there for me when I have this conversation. And we would have meetings with our doctors for updates.
00:49:49
Speaker
You know, the last one, I think we were all there. And we just kind of decided, you know, obviously we were gonna remove all the life support machines and everything. And then we all just sat there for, I think it was about 12 hours, just holding his hand and just washing, you know, the heart monitor, you know,
00:50:17
Speaker
And I think it was around midnight that night, you know, where, you know, his heart obviously was the last thing that went and, you know, there were moments of like, he would open his eyes, but you know, I think it was just kind of like the reaction.
00:50:38
Speaker
Um, it was just really surreal. I just couldn't believe it. I just, I couldn't believe that this was his story, you know? Um, and then I just remember wanting to go home and just hold Noah and just be there for him. And you know, one of the things that I struggled with from the time he went to the ER was, um, how was this, you know, how people say everything happens for a reason or, you know, there's, there's a sense to it. And I'm like, I
00:51:09
Speaker
I can understand that for myself, but I couldn't ever make sense of it for his son and his daughter. Because I still have both of my parents and this is the first time I've been touched by death and this close, the most close person in your life. The father of your child, your spouse, your partner, the person you've built your dreams around with as well.
00:51:37
Speaker
Yeah. And so that was the most difficult thing for me. And then, you know, in my own way, I kind of, in my head had gone through the process of like, you know, this is gonna happen soon at some point, you know, and I know I'm gonna be okay. And, but it was like, I always went back to Noah, especially because he, like, here's a person that, you know, as I've described,
00:52:02
Speaker
touches someone's life. And everyone has a story about David Brown, you know, a funny story or a touching story or a sentimental story. And I'm like, his son doesn't have that. His son doesn't have a firsthand story of this amazing person.
00:52:20
Speaker
And that was really hard for me in the beginning, really, really hard. And so luckily, I did have a lot of support. I remember
00:52:37
Speaker
A couple times, my girlfriends came over to the house when I was still staying at the hospital. They would just make dinner for me. And they're like, just come have dinner with us. Just take a break. And I would do that. And they would do little things around the house, just kind of try to clean up. Or there was always someone there. And so after he passed, and we were working on the funeral arrangements, and we had a celebration of life. And there was always people there. And the week after, I had a friend.
00:53:06
Speaker
come from up north, my friend Christina, who loved David. He always called her his other wife, his second wife. Because we were so close, and she just loved him too. And she came down the first week, but then she left. And then another friend came, and I was like, OK, great. And it was a girlfriend that never really spent the night. And she's like, I'm going to stay. I'm like, OK.
00:53:33
Speaker
Eventually I asked, I'm like, what's going on? And they were like, in a group text, they're like, well, Anna told us, my sister, Anna told us one of us has to be there with you.
Support and Community During Illness
00:53:43
Speaker
And so she lets us go. And she said that you're OK. And I was like, aw.
00:53:48
Speaker
I love this because this is, you know how they do those meal trains? Like sometimes, you know, when somebody's sick or something that they do that. So it's like your sister on an organized was like a sleepover train, like who's going to be next. And that is what an amazing tool because as I'm hearing all this story and I'm listening to this, I'm like, okay, who was there supporting you? And I hear
00:54:15
Speaker
Your parents, I'm sure, because if you were in the hospital for three weeks, I'm assuming your parents were helping out with Noah. Yes? Was that kind of what was happening? My sister Daisy was the one that took... She has two little... Well, they're not so little anymore, but they're close to Noah's age, my niece and my nephew. And so she took that on for me. She was like his pseudo mom at that point. She took care of Noah.
00:54:44
Speaker
and added to care of me, kind of. And that is so important, yeah. So you had somebody to be able to help you with, Noah, but then you also had all these people, your family and your friends, taking care of you and supporting you because I can't even imagine, if it's hard, even in just the first few years of life of a child, to be a parent, to adjust to this new role, right, of parenthood, of taking care of a child, but you were also then taking care
00:55:11
Speaker
of your husband who was going through chemo, which is one of the hardest things to go through, not just the illness, it's the actual response to chemo, right? That makes it be also so hard in that process. So that is just incredible, like what you were able to do in those months. And that's why I like, I admire you so much. And I've told you this so many times, honestly, my friend.
00:55:35
Speaker
It's just the way that you show up in life. You still show up with a smile. And you say about David. I say David. I know you say David. I'm like, about Dave, how people always have a story about him. And that is, I'm sure if anybody were to ask about you, everybody will have a story about you, too, about your resilience and your outlook in life. It's just so beautiful.
00:56:05
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's why, for me, there was a reason for our relationship and our love. And he taught me so much about relationships and how to nurture them and how to look at life in a perspective that you're never a victim and enjoy the things that life has given you.
00:56:35
Speaker
And in his death, you know, to appreciate the pain because there's growth and, which was hard because I'm like, okay, I learned this lesson, but what about him? And I remember one of the last things, like we never had a, um, we never had the chance to have like,
00:56:55
Speaker
Okay, if this goes bad, what are we going to do? What is our agreement? What do I want for Noah? What do I want for his funeral? I didn't even want to talk about it. I'm like, no, we're fighting. We're fighting. We're not thinking of if you don't make it.
00:57:15
Speaker
And he would say things and so I obviously was able to do something that was very unique for him, based on the things he had said, that I was grateful he said them, but we never really sat down and had a conversation. And I remember the last thing he said to me in the hospital was, and this was about a week before he passed and he was like, you know, we're not together anymore. And I'm like, what do you,
00:57:45
Speaker
What are you talking about? I'm like, yes, we are. I'm right here. We're together. He's like, no, we're not. No, we're not. And I know what he was trying to say. And he was so weak. I think he couldn't really articulate a whole thought or sentiment. And I think he saw me there. And he's like, I don't want you to think that I think you gave up. Or I don't know. I interpret that in so many ways. But obviously, he didn't want me to take
00:58:10
Speaker
At that point, I don't think he knew what it was going to be. And he's like, I don't want you spending the rest of your life sitting here looking at me. You know what I mean? And it was like his way of setting me free, in a sense. Which I also was like, well, yeah. But I'm like, it's not fair. I decide that. Don't tell me what to do.
00:58:34
Speaker
Like I get to decide how this ends for me, you know what I mean? And which is what I've learned through grief, which I know we're going to talk about as well. But, you know, if not for my sisters, you know, my extended family and my friends.
00:58:53
Speaker
I would have crumbled. And you know, death shows you, I've learned. It wasn't all easy. Not everyone was kind or understanding, but the people that mattered were there. And that is an incredible kind of testament to like the human spirit and what you can in your grief and loss kind of teach the people around you.
00:59:22
Speaker
And I felt like I needed to be that for the people close to me so they can see like, you know, you can overcome anything and you can, you know, take on any challenge and it might not look pretty, but it might not be exactly what you want or what you thought it was going to be, but you can still have an amazing life through that challenge. So one of my friends,
00:59:51
Speaker
She was working with End of Life. She was a caregiver with the elderly and then she actually went into some end of life kind of work.
01:00:12
Speaker
She got me in contact with this organization called WeSpark. And it's a cancer support network company. And they do a lot of support for the family, not just the patient, but the patient as well. Like therapy, or if you need a wig, or how to do your makeup, or in counseling for
01:00:41
Speaker
you know, the person going through cancer or their family. And so like we didn't even have an opportunity to explore any of that when David was ill because it was so fast. But I went after and they do grief counseling and they do group
01:00:58
Speaker
grief counseling. So that was one of the first things that I did. I did my individual counseling as well, just to deal with other kind of family stuff and, you know, things with Kayla and, you know, that dynamic that obviously changed after he passed. Yeah.
01:01:18
Speaker
So I did one-on-one, but in terms of hearing and just commiserating, I would say, with other widows and recent widows, I felt like I needed that because I did feel like no one really understands the feelings, the ups and downs in the emotional roller coaster.
01:01:39
Speaker
So we would meet once a week and it was a group of seven men and women recently widowed. I think that was like in January that I started that I think it was right after the holidays. And it was a strong group, different perspective, ages, nationality. So I felt very like, okay, this is what I needed. We all shared our stories and it was just really similar in terms of
01:02:05
Speaker
it happens so quickly or you're not ready to let go and it's like you're never ready you know but we talked a lot about grief and how you know especially in like western civilization like you don't like grief is such a taboo and it's like a scarlet letter that you carry and why that is and just kind of
01:02:33
Speaker
understanding that that perspective of you don't you didn't do anything wrong. You're not a bad person because you were touched by grief or because your partner passed and someone else's part, you know, there was always that and, and this is where it was really hard on social media, especially during the holidays and
01:02:54
Speaker
you know, people post their pictures with their family, like their family cards. And it was like so hard to see because I'm like, why did they have their family and I don't? Why did they get to keep that and not me? And finding that kind of resolution for myself, because there isn't a why. And I think what I, for me, Kendra, what I concluded is that why not me?
01:03:23
Speaker
Like, why would it be better if they go through the grief and not me? That's not fair for them either. Like, life isn't fair. And if you wish the grief upon someone else, like, what does that say about you? Like, as long as you're not in pain, it's okay. Do you know what I mean? And so that was for me, I'm like, well, why not? Like, people
01:03:47
Speaker
you know, there's a lot of people in my situation. And, you know, some of the stories I heard, it was like, um, younger moms with younger kids and, and, um, children that had disabilities and now they're dealing with those disabilities on their own. It was like, yeah, you know, like, why, why not? Like, I'm not anything special that I don't deserve to ever have, you know, hit me. But then what I also,
01:04:18
Speaker
thought was just because this happened doesn't mean that there wasn't anything else can't happen either. Do you know what I mean? And it was interesting what happened. And it just happened for sure. Yeah. Just like there was pain that was happening in your life, there was also a lot of joy and other things that were going to come
01:04:44
Speaker
Well, that's the whole thing. Even though you've gone through that. That's the whole thing. Right, but you didn't know that in that moment. In that moment, you don't. What helped you then deal with your grief in that moment was the support groups and having that perspective shift a little bit.
01:05:00
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then really it was no
Grief and Self-Identity
01:05:04
Speaker
why. And it was the same, my son, the same sentiment of grieving the loss of his father, that I'm like, I don't want him to lose who his mom is as well. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, it would be a true tragedy that he lost the essence of his mom through this tragedy as well. So I'm like, you know, Casela,
01:05:29
Speaker
You have to find it in yourself to still be who you were before this, but, but honoring carry this for him so that he doesn't feel cheated in life any more than he already has been. Well, okay. So I always have those goose bump moments. This was one of those, one of those, because right now what you just said was you had to actually,
01:05:54
Speaker
stop being, you have to be selfless in that moment and really completely shift and think, I cannot allow my child to now not only have lost
01:06:05
Speaker
his dad who died, but now also lose his mom within that grief, that you would lose yourself so much in the grief that he would not know who you had been because you'd be so succumbed by the sorrow and the pain and not shift it and him get to see the spark in you, the spark in you. Like the resentment. I didn't want him to feel cheated in life or resent what happened.
01:06:35
Speaker
because that can hurt you as an adult or as a teenager, you know? And I'm like, he's going to go through his emotional pitfalls because he's not being raised by his biological father. And I want to be able
01:06:51
Speaker
for him to be strong and for me to be strong and give him what he needs to manage that, but also look like you've had a great life. You know, you're so lucky in a lot of ways. I never wanted him to feel like a victim or like this happened to him. I want to be like this happened, but I'm happy and have a good parent and have a good life, you know? And so I really worked on
01:07:18
Speaker
you know, finding those moments to be selfish and think of myself and what I needed to in turn be the person that I wanted to be for my son. But that, you know, a lot of therapy. I didn't come, you know, like a light bulb moment. I mean, it did, but it was a lot of self. You didn't twitch your nose and did it, did it, did it, did it? Yeah, exactly. And did the magic ring happen? No. Yeah, it was a lot of, um, yeah.
01:07:44
Speaker
Yeah, a lot of work and discussing the feelings and crying and being angry and being mad, but always on, you know, away from Noah by myself. And so, you know, one of the things that was a little bit and I've talked to you about this before with the grief group that
01:08:05
Speaker
it was ongoing and some people would fall off and then new people would come in about like six, seven months into it, half the group was gone and it was new people. And at that point, the new people were where I was six, seven months before that. And every time someone told the story, it brought me back to those feelings. And so I was like, you know, I felt a little bit guilty because I'm like,
01:08:35
Speaker
I don't want to get dragged into that feeling again because I felt I've made so much progress. And so I stopped doing that and kind of stepped away from it for a little bit in terms of sharing my story and owning that, okay, I'm a widow and I'm going through this grief process and I don't feel like I need to share it with the world or even with a group of people.
01:09:05
Speaker
kind of find the answers and the resolution and who I was kind of on my own. Cause I just felt like I had a good foundation of like, you know, I understand what grief is in general for myself. And then I'm like, now how do I heal from that? How do then I build this life for myself and my son?
01:09:31
Speaker
What you're saying is so valid because it's to some extent even just what happens in even therapy. Technically, if you're still going to therapy for the same thing forever and years and years and years and years, the goal would be that you wouldn't need it for the same reason. You know what I mean for that amount of time, right? So the same with the grief group. It's like you got to a point that you were already, you already had the tools, you already need it.
01:09:57
Speaker
And for you to kind of have that other people come in, instead of it helping you for you, it was actually triggering you to kind of regress a little bit in your own progress of your grief. Is that correct? Did that idea correctly? Correct. Yeah. And then it became about sympathizing with these people.
01:10:13
Speaker
I'm like, you know, I felt guilty saying like, oh, I was there six months ago, but it gets better because you don't want to hear that at that point. You know, you're like, no, it's not. It hurts. Like, don't tell me that, you know, because I remember feeling that. So, yes, I think there is a progression of stages. And, you know, for all intents and purposes, I was like at a different stage in my progress.
01:10:39
Speaker
And so I did a little bit more one-on-one therapy for about another year because, you know, one of the things too, like, you know, I met David, you know, when I first got serious, I was 29. And before that, like, I never really had a really strong long-term relationship with anybody. And so I'm like, great. The one person I had that with, you know, was taken. I'm like, I'm just not that type. I'm not going to find another,
01:11:09
Speaker
you know, connection with anyone. And I remember hearing on the radio, like statistics show you end up marrying someone that's in your life. And I'm like, well, that already happened to me, kind of. So that's not gonna happen again. And, you know, my thought was always, I wanted to be able to raise Noah.
01:11:27
Speaker
emotionally, financially, and everything by myself on my own before I started looking for a partner because I wanted to know I can do it, that regardless of what happened in a relationship, I was going to be okay and Noah was going to be okay. What I didn't realize too, as Noah grew, obviously the questions came about his dad and his understanding of his death and
01:11:56
Speaker
You know, just like, you know, daddy's not coming back. I remember once I made the mistake, I'm like, we're going to go visit daddy. And he got so excited. And I'm like, Oh, at the cemetery. And I'm like, I, you know, like I had to adjust my wording just because of his comprehension of it, you know? Cause he, even when I was like, well, your daddy's in heaven. And he's like, well, can we go there? You know?
01:12:17
Speaker
And so it was really being mindful of his development and understanding of just life and death and what happened with his dad.
New Beginnings: Online Dating and Reconnecting
01:12:31
Speaker
But when he really started going into kindergarten and doing camps, and he would come at this point, he was like five or six.
01:12:43
Speaker
He was like, mom, my friend, you know, so-and-so at school, his dad, and he doesn't have a mommy or they're not together. You should meet him, you know? He was playing Cupid then. He was playing Cupid. He was. And all like, I started kind of putting myself out there and trying to see about two years after David passed, because I'm like, you know, rip the bandaid, like,
01:13:09
Speaker
And, you know, I worked from home, obviously, which is why, you know, I was always there for Noah and available, but I don't meet people. I don't really go out much. I'm a mom. I work full time. And so I started doing some, you know, online dating, which I was petrified, petrified. Um, I mean, you could just imagine, I mean, you know, try to meet a random stranger online, you know,
01:13:33
Speaker
When we were dating, it was all, you know, you met someone at school or at a party somewhere. This was just like, oh my God. So I went through that. How long did that stage was? How was that for you? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember my first, I connected with, I did eHarmony where it's like, you know, there's so many layers before you talk to someone that I was like, I felt comfortable, but
01:14:00
Speaker
The first guy that reached out, we send messages back and forth. He's like, oh, do you want to meet tomorrow? I'm like, tomorrow? No, I just met you. I'm like, no, can we talk longer? And he's like, no, that's not how it works. I'm like, well, I'm sorry. I'm not OK with that. But eventually, I met a guy on a date. And we went to a coffee shop. Because we were going to sit in, they put the coffee in an actual cup. And I grabbed it. And you could hear the cup.
01:14:29
Speaker
the clattering of the, yeah, like, I had a list it on top so you don't hear it, you know, cause I was shaking so much. Um, but then, you know, you go through the rejections and you know, the people like, okay, you don't look like what you look like in person or, you know, oh, you're 42, you live with your mom. You know, that's, that's tough, but you know what was interesting, you know, cause people, I, I never put that I was a widow, but,
01:14:58
Speaker
um the guys that you know would ask like well what about your ex i'm like oh where i'm a widow and they would get so freaked out and like well where's your son i'm like what do you mean well who has him like they couldn't understand like well i got a babysitter or like they just didn't like how does it work then if he's not with the dad you know it was just really interesting like that
01:15:22
Speaker
concept. Well, because they were also seeing this side of a very independent woman too. So they would have thought that like, wait, if he's not with you, you're here on this date, like who's.
01:15:35
Speaker
with him. You know what I mean? They didn't probably know how you raised him. Managed. Yeah, I managed. Okay, so for purposes of time, I want to make sure that we cover then, so you did the online dating, and then
01:15:53
Speaker
A few years later, you decide to go to a college reunion. CSUN, Cal State Northridge Reunion type of little party. Okay, you take me then. You take me to that story. Yeah, that reunion was in 2016. And I went and we saw a lot of our friends and professors. It was amazing. But no, it was in 2018, I get a Facebook message from
01:16:24
Speaker
One of our old friends from college, Will Fowler, who was kind of ending his marriage and
01:16:37
Speaker
just going through custody stuff and he's a father of five. Okay, so remembering people. Okay, remember how I said, that part in the beginning where she said, I can't imagine, how is it going to be being a stepmom? This is back when she was going to be a stepmom to want Kayla, right? So now, think of this.
01:16:58
Speaker
But hey, you know, but you know what? I was not even thinking that when he sent me a message and he had seen my profile on a dating app because they thought we were compatible. And so he thought he was going to like shame me. And I was like, yeah, dude, that's what people do now. Like, get with it. He's like, well, I've been out of the game. And, you know, he's like, oh, my God, how crazy is this? And, you know, he
01:17:26
Speaker
I don't know, 17, 17 years since we left college that I like to see him. And I was like, Oh, like you kind of got a little cute. And I'm like, I want to just like hang out, you know? And, um, I was like, well, do you want to like commiserate and I'll tell you like, how long have you been on dating sites? He's like two weeks. I'm like, Oh, okay. At this point had been like two and a half years. I'm like, I have stories for you. And, um, but I did think.
01:17:54
Speaker
You know, I did find him attractive and I was like, Oh God, you know, like, okay, we could just be friends. We could just be friends. And I didn't even think about anything else. I'm like, and I really, I remember telling him, like, you know, I've been a stepmom. So, you know, this is how you kind of want to perceive this and expectations and, you know, the ups and downs of, you know, life and parenting on your own, you know,
01:18:20
Speaker
And he was very like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry what you've been through. And, you know, he, you know, he was going through, you know, things with like his divorce and custody. And I'm like, I'm so sorry about, you know, all the things you're going through. And, you know, he, we just kind of didn't realize how our stories, even though they were different, were very similar in sentiment of like loss and kind of finding yourself, you know, at a later stage in your life. You know what I mean? Like kind of starting over again.
01:18:50
Speaker
at, you know, in your early 40s where you're a parent and how do you juggle that? You know, how do you date and you have kids and, you know, how do you kind of navigate that? And that's kind of how it started. And we, you know, went out kind of a meetup. You know, I thought it was a date, you know, clearly, you know, if I'm, you know, being honest. Did you dial up? Did you dial up? Well, yeah, you know, you're going to meet a guy. You want to put your best foot forward.
01:19:20
Speaker
And I think he was hoping it was a day, but wasn't sure. And so anyway, we met up in Sherman Oaks and we sat there for six hours and I knew, I'm like, oh,
01:19:34
Speaker
He's a doll, and he's so sweet, and I'm like, I'm in trouble, and oh my god, yeah. And in college, by the way, it's not like we had a few classes with him, but you guys weren't necessarily friends. Did you do a play with him? No. No, you weren't even in a play with him. So yeah.
01:19:58
Speaker
This was really like as if you were just starting to get to know somebody that had happened to be in your life before someone. The interesting thing was that we had a lot of mutual friends and we were close with our mutual friends, but he and I were never friends.
01:20:14
Speaker
And so, and he went on a different path. You know, he became a dad really young and, you know, moved to the suburbs. And, you know, I was like, I'm going to be a star and I'm going to do theater. And so it was for a long time, our lives would never have crossed paths anyway. So, yeah. And so when, you know, he was in this kind of new situation and, you know, navigating being a single dad, it was more because we had so many mutual friends that are still in our life.
01:20:42
Speaker
um, that kind of supported a little bit of, you know, us kind of realizing how much in common we were. Um, but the funny thing was after the six hours, I remember calling my friend Dana who had, um, got me the job at the Williams. I'm like, Hey, guess what? And she's just like, Oh my God, why have I never thought about it? And you know, you guys are, you know, so similar. I'm like, we are, I'm like, he's like six for four white guy from Beakersfield. I'm like,
01:21:13
Speaker
Five foot five Latina, like, you know, like we don't have anything in common. Um, and so he ghosted me for seven days. Like he didn't call me that six hour date after that six hour date. Yes. I was so close to deleting him as a friend or like blocking him. Cause I was like, this white boy has some nerve, you know? Um,
01:21:39
Speaker
And then, like, after the seventh day, like, he reached out. I'm like, yo, what's up? Like, what happened? And then he said, what do you mean? But he played by, like, certain rules of, like, you have to wait seven days. Remember that movie, Swingers? Yeah. I don't remember what the rule was, but then John Favreau's character, like, calls, like, right away. He stops. He doesn't follow the rule and leaves, like, I don't know how many voice messages. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. No. This was not will. This was not the case.
01:22:06
Speaker
So yeah, so I gave him a little bit of a hard time, but not really. So we went on a second date and that was so funny. I was like, let's go to City Walk. I haven't been there. And, you know, just kind of going down memory lane when we were younger and all this stuff. And we were walking and I'm like, hey, when's your birthday? And he's like, March 16th. And I literally like, I was like, what? He's like, yeah, March 16th. And I'm like, you know, that's my son's birthday.
01:22:37
Speaker
And he was like, then he stopped. Um, I was like, Oh my God. And I remember like a couple of years back, um, he had made a comment, I'd posted something about Noah's birthday and he made a comment like, Oh, I made March 16th cool before, you know, your little guy did. And I said something like step aside old men or something like that. And obviously completely forgot about that. And, um, I was just like, Oh, that's so interesting. You know,
01:23:07
Speaker
And it wasn't until like the third day, I think it was the next day I woke up like, oh my God, like freaked out because like since then I did get a tribute tattoo for David. And one of the things that I didn't touch upon earlier, after he passed, like the day after his funeral, I took out, I took off my wedding ring and wedding band. I didn't,
01:23:35
Speaker
I'm like, it was like a band-aid. I'm like, everything hurts right now, so I'm just gonna not deal with this later, taking this off later, you know? And so from that point, I'm like, I'm gonna get like a tribute tattoo.
01:23:48
Speaker
And so I think it was about a year after after he passed I did and it's an infinity Sign and on one side it has Noah's birthday and on the other side It has the day that David passed and it's kind of like, you know those life continuing From David through Noah and like life will go on in his life. So, you know
01:24:14
Speaker
So I did that, so on the third date I told Will, and that was one of the things that I always like, oh, is someone gonna have a problem with this? And I'm like, well, I wouldn't be with someone who would, you know what I mean? Who would feel weird about me having a tribute tattoo or anything like that. So I told Will, I'm like, you know, I have your birthday tattooed on my arm. And he was just like, wait, what?
01:24:41
Speaker
And I was like, well, you got the same birthday as my son. And then I showed him that that dude was like, oh my goodness. Like, what?
01:24:49
Speaker
How crazy. And then so many things. And and he's really shown that's in the in your relationship and the post. I remember seeing the post, by the way, I forget which of you because I've been friends with you both on Facebook for a while.
Family and Life Continuities
01:25:03
Speaker
And so I forget whose post I saw first. I don't remember who when you guys posted of your being together. And I was literally like in tears of joy, like seeing that it was like, oh,
01:25:17
Speaker
Oh my gosh. Okay. So sorry. Continue, continue. Well, so, um, the more I found out about, you know, his family, um, it just became just really like, okay, I felt like, okay, Dave, thanks for, you know, sending this with a little bit of humor. Cause you thought Kayla was a lot, how about five, you know? And that's what I remember. Um, I would tell my mom, like, you know, after Dave, I'm like, I'm going to marry someone who's orphaned, never been married.
01:25:47
Speaker
and doesn't have any kids. That's who I was. And I got the complete opposite. But Will has, his family is so amazing. They've like taken us in and his mom is just such an angel. And the interesting thing was that his father, Will's dad, his biological father died in an accident.
01:26:15
Speaker
when he was going to, to visit his newborn son, um, at the hospital. And so his father was, was too, when his father passed away and he was raised. You mean, wait, his, okay. This is his dad. Oh yeah. Got it. So his dad's dad, so his Will's grandfather, Will's grandfather. So his mom, John, Will's dad, his mom,
01:26:45
Speaker
Bobby remarried and she had six kids with their first husband and four with the second. They had 10, nine, I think nine boys and one girl or eight boys and two girls, but she had 10 kids. But his dad was raised by his stepfather.
01:27:04
Speaker
So it's what who will is to Noah. So I just thought that that was such a, it's been such a sweet kind of connection and that he's playing that same role of who his step grandfather was to him. And then the last thing that I was like, oh my God,
01:27:32
Speaker
his dad and my dad share a birthday June 1st. All these little like date coincidences and things and that infinity sign like what you were saying it's like
01:27:46
Speaker
Now that it represents also the fact that, like you said, life continued, right? And that symbol of Dave's death date on there, right? And then also, then now, the birthday of now your
01:28:03
Speaker
husband. That's why you are Christella Fowler now and not Christella Sarawia Brown. So it's been a year since you've been married now, right? It's been a year anniversary, a year in which you've
01:28:20
Speaker
not only gone through wedding reconnecting with like being now a stepmom of five, but also you guys moved then everything right a lot of shifts and changes in this year. But it seems that you've navigated them just like you've navigated all these other
01:28:38
Speaker
things in your life. How has this year impacted and shifted also Noah? I want to hear a little bit about Noah now suddenly having this, not just one brother, but a whole gang of brothers here. Yeah. Well, he loves it. I mean, it's interesting because I grew up with three siblings. There were four of us. There was chaos and
01:29:06
Speaker
just, you know, a lot of things happening. So that's kind of what I was used to. And I think for the six years, five, six years that it was just he and I,
01:29:20
Speaker
When the Fowler crew came in, he was so welcoming and ready for that and loves it. He loves his stepbrothers. When we moved to our new house, he had the opportunity to get his own room because he's here 100% of the time and he's like, no, I want to share with my brothers.
01:29:42
Speaker
Um, and he loves it, you know, he loves it because there's times when it's just the three of us and he gets all of our attention. And then when the kids are here, it's like game time, you know, like they're so adorable together. They have a, they're building, you know, their, their bonds and, um, their boys. Um, and so for him, it's just been a nice, um, the transition.
01:30:07
Speaker
from it just being us to having this bigger family. And he has his Mima and his grandpa and Will's family. And again, he loves having that. And Will's dad is a Santa impersonator, so you can't get any more adorable or endearing than that. And so he just loves it. He's like, we're his elves. And it was just the family aspect for us has been just such a welcome
01:30:35
Speaker
transition to what the beginning of his life was.
Embracing Grief and Finding Happiness
01:30:41
Speaker
But it was interesting. And he's very close to his dad. And he talks about his dad. It's in heaven and really associates a lot. There's still the moments where I do wish he would remember things. Obviously, he was one and he doesn't. It's all by stories we tell. And I'm very open about talking about David and making him still a present
01:31:06
Speaker
energy in our life and you know I'm so grateful for the partner that I have that lets me do that and you know I think one of the things that I've learned for myself that I would want to convey for someone dealing with grief is you know don't be ashamed of it and it doesn't end it doesn't have you don't have to close the chapter on grief and it'll hit you in ways that you won't knew every time as you grow as you develop as you appreciate life the grief is gonna come in different ways and
01:31:36
Speaker
Yes. And don't shy away from it. And if there are moments where you want to cry because of that relationship or that person or that loss, like let it out because then you can move on from it and then still live and appreciate your life.
01:31:50
Speaker
And the beauty of it. And the beauty of you having that partner that sees that and knows that, that you are able to still be able to honor when it's Dave's anniversary. I think you even shared a picture, I think even of your wedding anniversary that you would have had to, didn't you share a picture of?
01:32:09
Speaker
You've been even in this year of you being married. And I see in the comments, I see Will Fowler comment, your now husband commenting. And that shows so much of the strength of your relationship because he's not jealous of your love
01:32:28
Speaker
for your husband, you know, your first husband, there's nothing to be jealous about. And, you know, if anything, it's just support for that and supporting that you can still grieve and at the same time still miss him too. It doesn't mean that you do not appreciate and are grateful for what you have right now.
01:32:47
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. And I think that he appreciates, you know, who I've become and the gratitude that we both have. And I think that's what especially like this holiday season, because, you know, we're in the house, we're all quarantined, and we just feel so grateful. And to be with someone that can appreciate that gratitude just makes it that much more
01:33:11
Speaker
nice, you know, or, um, just more special. I guess it's the word, but I did want to share a couple of weeks ago. Um, no, I said, you know, mom, if, if my dad hadn't died, I wouldn't have known Jackie and Elliot and Josh and the boys. And I was like, well, how does that make you feel? And he's like, well, I wouldn't want to have my dad.
01:33:34
Speaker
And I was like, well, how would it, how does it make you feel about, you know, not having the boys in your life? And he's like, well, I wouldn't know any different. So I would be really good about that. And I'm like, his perspective is so like, I, you know, pat myself on the back. It's so pragmatic that it's not, it's very matter of fact. And that's what I wanted for him. Like this happened, but it does not define you and who you are. And you can appreciate both.
01:34:04
Speaker
Yes. He's eight and he was like, oh my God, I love you so much. It's as if he would have been fine had his story been over. He would have been grateful had his story been another way and Dave would have still been alive and that would have been his life or this other side now, of course, that he has. But like how he said, he would have not known. It's kind of like a pick your own ending kind of story, right? Yeah.
01:34:28
Speaker
It's like either way, he would have still been grateful and appreciated of that life. And the same with you too. You would have been happy and appreciative of your life going that way, but that is not what was in store. This is what's in store. And you are now grateful and appreciative for also the hardships that brought you to who you are now and who you are now.
01:34:50
Speaker
Yeah, I mean the growth and the fact that like there's hardship in every life and every story. And some, you know, are more painful and you know, but you come out, you come out of it stronger, you know, if you don't let it take it down.
01:35:05
Speaker
You know, yeah, there's people that I've never been through anything like that. And to not feel like, well, why hasn't that person been through half of what I've been through? Like you can't compare it. You can, it'll just eat you up inside. All you have to do is be grateful for the great things that you have. And the more Noah grows up and he becomes his own person, I feel like it's David coming alive again in front of my eyes. And it's the gratitude in that.
01:35:35
Speaker
Um, there are no words, there's, there's no words to have that gift. The fact that he even gave me that gift to, you know, be able to shepherd his, his son in, in, in this life is, it is a gift, you know, and no one knows that, you know, I'm, I was here, you know, to represent my dad and we honor that for him always.
01:35:58
Speaker
Oh, that's so beautiful Abigail. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing. Not only all these, of course, I love it. Okay. So it started with the love story, with the pain, then back again to love story. But in all of this, you know, you've just shown how much you've grown, but at the same time being really true to who you are in that whole growth process has really been what kind of has kept you.
01:36:28
Speaker
on your feet and standing up and looking forward and also being focused on what you want for your child. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's about, you know, appreciation and, and still looking at, um, you know, the gifts that life and, you know, God, whatever you believe in, um, you know, there's, there's, there's still a lot of good in your life and you just, you have to kinda, um,
01:36:54
Speaker
never feel like attacked or like this, this happened to me. Um, because there's still so much joy and I've been able to find that, you know, able to find and live and truly live in that joy, truly feel happy again. Um, and you know, had I not thought of that, and that was my thing. Like, I'm like, how do I,
01:37:17
Speaker
I'm like, I want to be happy again, but truly happy, but I can't if, if I don't work on these things and I don't deal with these things. And, um, I think, you know, anyone listened to this, there is no one way to deal with your grief. You find, you find your answers, you find your, your resilience, what, what makes sense for you and who you are as an individual. Um, and, and use that to.
01:37:45
Speaker
you know, find your answers and find your truth. And, you know, it doesn't have to look like anybody else. It doesn't have, your story doesn't have to be like mine or any of the ones that you featured. You know, find your own path of gratitude because this life
Unique Grief Journeys and Conclusion
01:38:02
Speaker
is so hard. I mean, even this year has shown how much struggle one can have
01:38:08
Speaker
in any given avenue, but you have to just kinda keep going and learn from it and appreciate everything that is given to you.
01:38:18
Speaker
Oh, that right there was the ribbon on top, my friend. That was the perfect way to end this with all this wisdom that you just brought to the table and for the listeners with that. And that is so true. All these stories that we share and feature, as you said, in this podcast are only just ways of people being able to find some aspects that maybe you find some relatability in the stories.
01:38:45
Speaker
But again, comparison is a thief of joy. It's the saying. And when you do compare your life to somebody else's, you steal yourself from that joy. So even in your own grief, do not compare your grief to somebody else's grief. Where they are in their grief and what they've been through in their life to be where they are even in their own stage and whatever their grief may look like is very different than yours. So you cannot even compare yourself.
01:39:15
Speaker
in that aspect. You said that perfectly. Thank you, my dear, long, long lifetime friend. I am so grateful again to you. Do you have a public Instagram account or anything like that? I do. It's not public, but I don't use the Instagram that
01:39:38
Speaker
I do have it, but once in a while. If you want to give me anything to, if you want me to put anything on the show notes so that people can, if they want to get in touch with you that they can, let me know and I will put that in the show notes. I would love that. Thank you once again, my friend, and for taking the time out of your
01:40:00
Speaker
at home work, I hope. Well, no, no, no. You're not working right now. Right now it's past work hours, right? Oh, yeah. No, I'm working. This was my lunch break.
01:40:13
Speaker
I was trying to be like, oh, just in case somebody from work listens. I'm like, okay, your lunch break hour. Oh yeah, no, no, it's fine. Yeah, that work good. It's not good. So thank you, thank you so much for Noah for studying from home and still being able to allow mom to hop on this podcast. So thanks again. Yeah, no, thank you for inviting me and letting me share my story. And I hope that it helps anyone who needs to hear it.
01:40:44
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode and if you feel inspired in some way
01:41:07
Speaker
to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so. Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.