Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Kids and Grief {Episode 78}
92 Plays4 years ago
We live in tumultuous times and find ourselves regularly trying to explain global pandemics, violence, natural disasters and more to our young and innocent children. It's natural that our kids will have experiences of loss that will cause them to grieve. So how to we prepare them ahead of time and guide them through these big and overwhelming emotions?
In this episode, we'll guide you through what every parent's two main jobs are in assisting our children through the grieving process. We'll talk about how to prepare toddlers to teens for the scary events of life without causing needless worry or anxiety. It's a big topic, but we promise it's one you'll enjoy learning about!
Never miss another episode by subscribing to our weekly email HERE!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Children and Grief
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back everyone this is episode 78 and today we have a little bit of a more serious topic to talk to you about. We're talking about kids and grief and we know that this isn't the most exciting thing to talk about but it's so necessary especially in today's unexpected climate of global pandemics and natural disasters. It seems like every other day something terrible is happening in the world and so we realize that it's our responsibility as parents to
00:00:24
Speaker
Number one to teach them that bad things can happen, that grief will follow, but you will help them get through it. And number two to learn how to be a safe harbor for our children during these scary and tumultuous times. So we're excited to give you this episode on grief.
Meet Bonnie and Audrey: Parenting Experts
00:00:46
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
00:01:10
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Outnumbered the Podcast. Today we have kind of a heavier subject, but we hope that it doesn't get too depressing. We hope that it just ends up being helpful. And what we're talking about is kids and grief. So we're going to start off by talking about the variety of ways that our kids and us encounter and experience grief, especially in today's day and age. There's a lot of weird, wacky things happening and it can
00:01:36
Speaker
create some some grief feelings in us and our kids. So we are going to have a fun discussion about that. Well, maybe not. Maybe that's not the right word, but informational discussion about grief. Right. Because it's going to be a part of our kids lives at some point. So we need to prepare them for it like everything else. Right.
Listener Community and Support
00:01:52
Speaker
Right. Totally. Yeah. But before we start, I want to read a review because we got such a nice review and we got a review. So anyway, thank you so much for leaving a review. And we love every review that we receive because it's
00:02:05
Speaker
helping us spread the good news about the podcast. So this person, real estate addict 8521 writes, I am a mother of five and find that all the tips, advice, and stories help me feel connected to moms of many. Listening to YouTube banter and exchange ideas boosts me to keep me going strong and laughed often. I'm Catholic, but as expected, I find that our values are on the same wavelength and I feel like we'd be friends in person. Thank you.
00:02:35
Speaker
We would definitely be friends in person. Yes, shoot us an email.
Understanding and Defining Grief
00:02:39
Speaker
Let's chat. Or Marco Polo or something. Okay, so I wanted to start off with the textbook dictionary definition of what grief means. And what the dictionary says is that it's deep sorrow usually caused by death. But, and I added this part, it can often also be to another loss or major life change.
00:02:59
Speaker
So I think usually people, you know, like the dictionary says, connect it with death. But I've found that it pops up in kind of a lesser degree in other, in other areas of loss as well. Many of, I'm sure most of us have heard of the different stages of grief. So there are five stages of grief that most kind of mental health professionals have agreed upon. And they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
00:03:27
Speaker
So just think about those, it's fun to, why do I keep saying fun? It's helpful to write those down, especially if you feel like you are experiencing grief or you're going to, just to kind of identify your emotions. That's helped me to realize, oh, this is why I'm so angry right now. This is the anger stage, or this is why I keep trying to make a bargain with God because I'm in the bargaining stage. So I think those are really helpful. Right, not officially recognized as a stage of grief, but definitely there is retail therapy.
00:03:59
Speaker
Yes, I haven't thought about that one. True. No, seriously. It's like trying to compensate or comfort yourself for these bad feelings that you have. So definitely some retail therapy can be. Or sewing therapy, chocolate therapy. There's a lot.
00:04:18
Speaker
Some examples of times to grieve are, like you mentioned, it's not just death. It's often associated with death, but death is a big one. Other loss of a loved one like a miscarriage, a move, a change of school or friends, loss of beliefs or loss in the faith community, those things. These are things that we can watch out for these situations and help our kids start adapting or watching
00:04:45
Speaker
being aware that they might be going through those five stages of grief due to some of these other incidences as well. Yeah, those five stages of grief can be really helpful to teach your children, especially if they're a little bit older and they can kind of step outside of their feelings and acknowledge them for what they are. And sometimes you can help the younger ones accept that as well.
00:05:06
Speaker
So I have a few other instances of grief that are a little bit less traditional, but still very valid to grieve. And they are mourning with others in your cultural group. So maybe there's been a prejudice against you as a member of a faith community or a cultural group or something. You can mourn with those around you because you feel connected to them.
Varied Sources of Grief
00:05:28
Speaker
Loss of normality. So we're seeing that in this COVID
00:05:31
Speaker
pandemic, right? We're missing work. We're missing social events. We're missing vacations. We're missing babies being born and funerals and all these big life events and even small life events. And that's totally valid degrees because it's loss of normal life, you know?
00:05:51
Speaker
loss of mental health or stability. So anytime you experience anxiety, depression, or someone close to you, there can be some grief there. Also, I think as parents, we need to just wrap our heads around that there will be a lot of greeting for other people's mistakes, specifically our children's, right? When we've taught them a certain way, and then they go out and choose to live a different way from from how we taught them that can require that can involve a lot of grief.
00:06:18
Speaker
Yeah, that's interesting. And even another take on that is if, um, like we've talked a lot about in past episodes, like intentional parenting, if we choose to raise our children differently than our parents raised us, there could also be some grief associated through that experience as well.
00:06:34
Speaker
Right, right. And on both sides, really. Like, our family of origin could grieve that we're doing things differently. And we might also grieve, even if we think, for example, I'll share homeschooling. When I chose to homeschool, I knew without a doubt that it was the right decision for my family. But there was some grief for me because I loved school as a kid. I loved getting a new backpack and freshly sharpened pencils and the first day of school and all the excitement. And that was sad for me.
00:06:59
Speaker
to realize that my kids would never have those same experiences as me, even though I knew I was making a choice that for my children was better. Right. Yeah, that's a good example.
Preparing Kids for Life's Challenges
00:07:08
Speaker
So it's our job as parents to do things to prepare, to help our kids with the possibility of grief in their future. So number one is to prepare our kids for the ups and downs of life and how to face grief. Right. And the second thing we need to do as parents is to be a peaceful harbor
00:07:28
Speaker
in the midst of life's storms. So this doesn't mean that we have to have it all together and pretend like we're not grieving when hard things happen, but rather that we assure our children that we'll be there for them, help them get through these hard times, and also that we're teaching them some basis of faith or morality to help them get through it on their own. Right, which is sometimes difficult to do when we're grieving too, right? To help other people, our kids, through their grief when we're in the midst of ourselves. That's sometimes hard to pull ourselves out.
00:07:58
Speaker
But because we're parents and we've got these little kids that we've been given a responsibility over, we need to do that. So we're going to talk about some different ages on how to help them prepare. So how to prepare young kids, like under eight-ish for grief, maybe under the age of, before they kind of become
00:08:18
Speaker
before they come to an awareness, kind of like a spiritual awareness or an awareness outside of themselves that other people, other people die or things die. So how to prepare young kids for grief. Small children, little children, they have no sense of the future and possibilities outside their realm of experience. So they don't really have
00:08:44
Speaker
They don't really have any idea what death means. Like my three-year-old, she follows around the baby, the one-year-old, and he'll bump his head and she'll say, it's okay. You're not going to die. It's okay. You're not going to die. But she has no clue what that means. Because she's not really ever encountered death or, you know, great for all that.
00:09:09
Speaker
I don't know where she picked those words up, but that's what she does. She follows them around. It's okay. You're not going to die. At this stage, it's important not to scare them with things that will likely never happen to them. So, you know, kind of maybe sheltering them at this stage is one way that we're helping them to prepare for grief, is just keeping them from the darker and rougher sides of grief.
00:09:38
Speaker
Right, right. You can take it on a case-by-case basis if they have to, heaven forbid, they have to encounter something like that. So instead of that, instead of making them afraid of something that will likely never happen, we can share others' experiences with grief and help them foster empathy and grace for other people. That's totally appropriate. So we've had experiences where we've talked about, did you know that so-and-so's grandpa died? How do you think that made him feel? And just get them thinking about
00:10:07
Speaker
uh, mourning with others, empathizing with others, and even reflecting on yourself, on themselves. And how would that, how would you feel if that happened? Wouldn't that be sad? What do you think we can do to make them feel better? Can we write them a card? You know, just to get them thinking. I love sharing opportunities to help my kids because instead of them just fixating on the bad thing and like, what if that happens to me? But then we move right into solution space for these people that we love. Well,
00:10:33
Speaker
I think that it would be lovely if we baked them some bread and brought them a card and then they know we're thinking about them and we're here to help or let them brainstorm. That's a beautiful thing where they can see sorrow and then they can reach out in service. Yeah, because at this very young age, they are very narcissistic and life is all about them and there really isn't any point in trying to
00:10:59
Speaker
make them see that it's not about them. So getting them involved is a way of helping comfort their own grief about if they were in that situation.
00:11:08
Speaker
Um, a couple of examples I had to share was our oldest was about a year and a half at her, my dad, her grandpa's funeral. And she had absolutely no clue what was going on, but obviously, you know, she couldn't be left behind. She was there in this situation. And so at that age, they're just kind of oblivious and you just meet their needs the best that you can when you're in the midst of your own grief, like we were talking about earlier.
00:11:33
Speaker
But one common occurrence for children that are kind of too young or very young in the, let's say, under eight group is the death of a pet or a wild animal. You know, a bird flies into the window.
00:11:47
Speaker
And they see it and they run outside and it's laying there and it's dead. Okay. So that is something that we can help them with. Go through that experience. I've had, I've had multiple kids in tears about, um, a bird that smacked into the window and just crying about it. And even, um, one of my little kids started a list of all like that helped him get closure is he would write down the,
00:12:11
Speaker
animal that had the bird that had smacked in the window and what kind it was. And he'd give it a little name and he'd write down the date. And that was just like a little list that he started of these. Um, yeah, but, but I, you know, I, of course you don't shame them about their, their grief. You know, why are you crying? It's just a dumb bird, you know, or something like that. You help them through that and you allow them to go through their little grief in their own way through any little experience that they have and, you know, comfort them and talk about
00:12:42
Speaker
how one thing we did about this little, this son that was having a little trouble every time a bird flew into the window, not like we had birds fly into the window all the time, but one thing we did was we had him find that we found that verse in the Bible that talks about how God cares for sparrows. And that was a real comfort to him how like
00:13:02
Speaker
the very hairs of your head are numbered and God notices the sparrows and all that. And so just taking it to a higher power for him was really helpful to help him get closure with that. Yeah, that's beautiful. And honestly, as much as I hate seeing my kids suffer in regards to pets, or like you say, the wild animals dying, it is a beautiful practice grief for them, right? Yeah. Even though it can be very, very torturous for a small child to lose a pet.
00:13:29
Speaker
Generally, it's not as big a deal as losing a person. And so it's a safe way for them to practice feeling those feelings and processing that and for you to help them through that. So I am grateful for that, even though it's hard to watch for sure.
00:13:44
Speaker
Okay, so moving on to the next age group.
Teaching Young and Older Children About Grief
00:13:47
Speaker
So we're going to talk about how to prepare those slightly older children, usually like older elementary eight to 11 ish or so. These kids are better able to imagine the negative outcomes of our lives, but we still obviously need to be aware of fostering unnecessary fear or putting, you know, I generally don't let
00:14:03
Speaker
any kid under 13, watch the news or, you know, they just get too freaked out about things that probably won't happen. But instead we talk about things in terms of preparation. And this COVID thing has been a great example of this. We've just, you know, what should we buy more of? What should we have on hand? How can we prepare for this? How can we prepare for that?
00:14:22
Speaker
Yeah, you can talk about situations where there might be loss. Our state gets a lot of hurricanes or tornadoes. And if our house was hit by a tornado, this is what we would do. And if we lost everything, so you just talk them through. And they do think about, well, how would we get this back? Or how would we get that back? And what would we do? And so walking through that thought process with them of losing things and then getting things back, that is helpful for them.
00:14:51
Speaker
And one thing we talk about with our kids is that life is a cycle. And so things are born and things die. And life is like a circle. It goes around. Things always change. There's not much in life that stays rigid. And so it is very helpful to help your kids train them to be flexible as opposed to rigid, like a child who's raised up to be flexible in their thoughts.
00:15:21
Speaker
is better equipped to take on anything that comes. So little ways you can train them to be flexible. I know we've talked about this in past podcasts.
00:15:32
Speaker
I know we, especially we talked about, um, in, in a homeschooling, cause it really is kind of an educational thing. And I don't remember the example I use there. So I guess you have to go back and listen to that episode, but like, have them, another example is to like, have them try to, um, draw a stick person with their left hand instead of their right hand. And that is actually making their brains use a different part of their brain and be flexible and just like, you know, turning everything upside down on its head.
00:16:00
Speaker
So helping kids be flexible is really an important part of them being able to deal with grief that comes at them in the future. Right, because, you know, grief comes from change, right? Usually a change that we're really, really resisting, a death or a loss or catastrophe. And if they are not prepared to deal with change, then it can be very, very devastating for sure.
00:16:24
Speaker
One thought that I had regarding this is that maybe you've heard that there have been studies done that children who have a very good sense of their family's history, you know, genealogy, that sort of thing,
00:16:38
Speaker
are much better equipped to handle change or catastrophes than children who don't, which I thought was very interesting. They said specifically like teach them how you and your husband met. Teach them about what your family looked like and what you did and what was fun and what you struggled with 10 years ago before they were born or when they were little or just make sure that they understand. You know, we talk about how
00:17:03
Speaker
We know that object permanence is a thing that kids learn later on, like where you hide the ball, and they know the ball still exists, even though it's hidden. It takes them a couple of years to learn that as babies, right? But now there's this concept of historical permanence, right? They need to understand that life existed before now. It will exist after now. And so that the struggles of now really are just a blip on the radar screen of life, right? I think that's so helpful in having them
00:17:32
Speaker
view catastrophes with a little bit more resilience because they go, oh, you know what? My mom told me that there actually was a tornado when she was a kid and she survived it and it was a little scary. And then the next day they talked about it. So in the middle of the tornado right now, he's realizing this is not a big deal. This is not the end. This is not, you know, going to ruin everything that these things happen. You know, I thought that was very fascinating. Yeah, that is fascinating.
00:17:57
Speaker
This Age of Kids is also really great at brainstorming, and they have great imaginations. So you can ask them to think about how to prepare your family, even emotionally, like what feelings do you think you would feel if this happened? What would we do? How would we help other people? Could we prepare? Could we store enough food for us and the neighbors? That would be cool.
00:18:16
Speaker
And then you can also ask them to talk about a time when they felt grief or sorrow usually at this point They've had a little bit of experience like a pet dying or or a grandparent or something like that And you can ask them to kind of relive it a little bit with without that acute pain You know later on you say how did you feel how long did that last? How can we prepare for something like that in the future? How could you prepare your younger siblings because they love to serve and be helpful, right? Yeah, that is definitely a good exercise to go through with kids like to
00:18:46
Speaker
get them into the practice of assessing their past feelings and making like when they're not in the moment, but making decisions about if those feelings were the, were, I'm not going to say the right ones, but if they were beneficial or helpful to go, to go through and, and, you know, and just showing them that sometimes hard emotions are beneficial because they help us go through these stages of grief.
00:19:15
Speaker
and recover and so on. So yeah, that's definitely a helpful exercise.
Supporting Teens Through Grief
00:19:21
Speaker
All right, moving on to how to prepare teens. They're much better at calmly facing potential disaster or loss, probably because they have experience with grief. They have probably heard of somebody dying by this point or someone close to them even. And they're just older, they've gone through stuff.
00:19:44
Speaker
they're better prepared, better equipped. And hopefully by this point, you've been doing the things that we've been talking to so far with the very young and then the middle school-ish age children. And then one thing to think about is how to maybe walk through a situation with your teen's thoughts on helping them handle mental health emergencies. So maybe the loss of, maybe they have a friend
00:20:15
Speaker
who is having a mental health emergency. And that's kind of like, okay, so when they're helping someone go through a situation like this, they have to completely put themselves aside. But they do also have to acknowledge that in this situation, they have lost what they thought was normal about their friend or like themselves about their friend. And so they have to, like, again, we were talking about adapting to change.
00:20:44
Speaker
and to see this difference in their friend and be able to set themselves aside enough to not make it all about them. They can move beyond that narcissistic stage and go on to be able to help another. Teens have a lot of narcissistic stages.
00:21:03
Speaker
I'm really glad you brought up mental health because I think that the chance of our teens having to go through some catastrophic natural disaster are much lower than their chance of dealing with a mental health emergency, either their own or a friend's. And the statistics on teens and mental health and suicide right now are terrifying.
00:21:21
Speaker
And the more we can prepare our children to encounter something like this, the better off they and their friends will be. And I think as they mature, I think one of the problems is they had this added burden of hormone changes along with life changes. And so there's just a lot of strain on their mental health.
00:21:39
Speaker
We all need to make sure that we have safeguards in place for our kids. If they start feeling overwhelmed or depressed or scared, they need to know what to do. Just like you're teaching your kids a fire escape plan. We go out this window and then we reconvene on the lawn at this point. You talk about a mental health emergency plan. When you're feeling depressed, if you feel like this, if a friend mentions this or that, if someone ever talks about taking their life, what do you do? Who do you talk to? How do you get help? That's scary, but so necessary.
00:22:09
Speaker
Yeah. And I also think that more than anything, we have to realize that developing our relationship with our teens in times of peace and happiness goes the farthest in preparing them for these times of scary mental health issues, right? We can't try to fix our relationship when all of a sudden they're depressed and having some major issues. We have to be there for them in the good times so that they'll come to us in the bad. Yeah, that's so true. We have a whole episode on puberty. And so you can go listen to that one.
00:22:40
Speaker
to hear more of what we've said about those hormone changes and how to help them through that time of puberty, because that's pretty intense time. But something we can do with teens is they're older. And like I've said so many times on the podcast before, the way I interact with my teens is that I keep in view that I want a future relationship with this person as an adult and as my friend, as an adult, as a friendship relationship in the future. So I can start
00:23:09
Speaker
pulling back on those parenting controls, and I can start sharing my own experience. I can help them identify safe and unsafe thoughts within themselves. I can share with them times I've had safe and unsafe, healthy and unhealthy thoughts. And also, we always want to be a safe person for them to come to, to express their scary emotions too.
00:23:36
Speaker
We do not want to condemn them for these feelings that they're having because then the next time they feel something weird and scary and huge and beyond them or they're in the roller coaster throws of these hormonal things that are going on in their lives, we won't be the safe person. I'm like, oh, last time I tried to talk to mom about this, she totally flipped out on me.
00:24:02
Speaker
to do what it takes to be, to control, put aside our own self and be the safe person that they can come and talk to about it, no matter what they're thinking or feeling. Yeah. I love that you shared that. The analogy I'm thinking of is, you know, when a toddler trips and falls and they look to you for validation, right?
00:24:23
Speaker
And if you freak out, they start to cry. It took me like four kids to learn that, right? And then, but if you smile and say, oopsie, you're okay, then they're okay, right? I think the same thing is true with the teens. If they have a freaky, scary emotion, or thought, or whatever, or experience, and they come and tell you, and you go,
00:24:42
Speaker
What? Even though inside you're thinking that, chances are really good they're not going to come back next time because they were already freaked out by it and you just validated that freak out, right? But instead to say, oh, that is a scary thing or that is a tough thing. Tell me how I can help or what else have you been thinking or what are your thoughts on this?
00:25:00
Speaker
to make it as if, well, not just as if, to communicate with them that those feelings and thoughts are normal, even though they seem scary to you, because they are. We all go through crazy thoughts. I remember some of the stuff I thought and imagined about as a teenager would scare the pants off me as a mother now, you know? But that's just normal life. And so the more we try to put meaning into it and freak out on it, the more they're going to kind of hide inside their shelf. So I'm really glad you shared that for sure, being a safe harbor.
Parental Emotional Management and Empathy
00:25:29
Speaker
Speaking of, the next section we're talking about is how to be that peaceful harbor for our kids, how to maintain our own calm, even though we might be freaking out.
00:25:37
Speaker
in if we're in a state of emergency or we've just undergone something really traumatic. So the first thing and this goes along with just what I was saying is to be careful about showing panic or fear in front of our kids. So like I said we limit exposure to news if it's like external strife you know like a natural disaster or riots or something or other scary images because that can really do them some damage.
00:26:01
Speaker
I also like to make sure that I'm considerate of my kids at like a funeral or another kind of scary grieving thing. I don't assume my kids wanna see like a dead body at a funeral. I'll ask them and if they're comfortable with it, I'll go with them and we'll talk about it and why the body looks different than in real life, et cetera. So just to be really sensitive about how that can affect them in the future. But that being said,
00:26:29
Speaker
I also feel it's important to say that we need to feel free to share our emotions with them. Not the panic and the fear and the anxiety, but to let them see you crying. Let them see you getting frustrated or upset and tell them why, right? Like, you know why I'm crying? You know, we had a kind of a scary thing happen in our family recently and I was doing a lot of crying and my kids would look at me and I'd say, do you know why I'm crying? And I would explain the situation as best as I could for their age level, right? I didn't get into details for the little ones,
00:26:57
Speaker
I said, it's not your fault. I'm sorry. I've been having a hard time. I've been yelling a lot because I feel really stressed out about this thing because there's a lot of grief. This is what I'm going through. Um, you know, lots of hugs, lots of it's okay. We'll get through it and that it's not their responsibility to fix your, your, um, crisis, but that we're, we'll all get through it together.
00:27:19
Speaker
Yeah, it's so hard for kids when they see you crying. So that is really, really vital to let them know it's not their fault and they're not responsible to fix it. That's really important. So another thing I have found is that kids are very curious about death or afterlife. If it's like a funeral that you're going to that it's not somebody they're super close to.
00:27:43
Speaker
That kind of gives them the opportunity to be very curious about maybe even the whole embalming process or what happens after death or, you know, allow them to express that curiosity about death and the afterlife and funerals and caskets and all that without burdening them with the expectation like at funerals. Like, you know, it's just good to visit beforehand. Don't obviously prepare your kids. Don't walk into a funeral and then
00:28:10
Speaker
expect them to have zero questions once you get there. With my kids, I make any question okay that they want to ask me about a funeral that before or after night, I'll say to them, well, we're not going to talk about it while we're in there, but if you have any questions, just ask me afterwards. I'd love to talk to you about it.
00:28:31
Speaker
I find that unless I give them the burden of, oh, we have to be sad about this. If I don't burden them with that, then they might not have those feelings themselves, especially like I said, if it's somebody that they weren't super close to. And so it's an opportunity for them to explore that curiosity. Oh, I'm glad you mentioned that.
00:28:57
Speaker
to not project your own emotions on them. They don't have to office things the way you do, for sure. Yeah, I love that. One last thing about this that I wanted to mention is that kids can, obviously kids deal with grief in many different ways and some kids have a really hard time moving on, right? Some kids are just a little bit more anxious, a little bit more maybe emotional or sensitive to these sorts of things. One thing that I recently taught my older kids, obviously this is more for older kids,
00:29:26
Speaker
was the life coaching model of how to control your thoughts. So you guys can go out and Google this but essentially it's you have a situation then you form a thought and then you have an emotion and then you have an action and then there's a response right or a result rather.
00:29:44
Speaker
So I taught this to one of my sons because he was having a hard time with just a bunch of different changes that were going on in life. And he kept having these emotions that were not serving him. And so I was saying, you, you realize that you in a large part are in control of your emotions. And so I just thought if a child is having a hard time moving through this grief process, that might be something you can, you can sit down and teach them is this is a situation. There was a death, but we can use it to mean whatever we want it to mean. Right. Our first thought would probably be it's sad.
00:30:14
Speaker
And then the emotion would be sadness, etc. But when the sadness is no longer serving us, right? It's just kind of bogging us down. We might choose to think, well, I loved
00:30:26
Speaker
knowing that person. And then the emotion could be more of happiness to all of it, right? So to kind of help them process through that, that was really helpful for my son. And I thought, huh, I should have learned this a long time ago. Yeah, that is an especially helpful message to use with kids that are a little older, again, analyzing your own thoughts and your own feelings. Right.
00:30:47
Speaker
Okay, so the second way that we can be this peaceful harbor for our kids, like we mentioned, is to talk to kids about sharing the burden of grief.
Teaching Mourning and Social Norms
00:30:58
Speaker
So mourning with those that mourn as we learn as Christians, discussing our feelings openly, telling them that it's okay to show their feelings however they need to feel them, to cry, to be angry, to bargain. Again, those five stages of grief, we can teach them those. We can teach the older ones that those stages come in no particular order.
00:31:16
Speaker
You can skip some. Sometimes you can come around with the same one over and over and over again, but that is normal and to let them do it on their own timeline. And then when it becomes a burden and they can't move through, then we can teach them other tools to get them onto the next phase.
00:31:33
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's also helpful to share societal expectations around these funeral ceremonies or grave ceremonies, like I started to get into a little bit before. We want to teach them things like just respect at a funeral and on the gravestones. We don't walk or play on the gravestones. A lot of people are going to be wearing somber colors and have their faces not all smiley and happy.
00:31:59
Speaker
because that's kind of the societal expectation for a funeral. And so be sensitive to the grief of others. Like you were saying, mourn with those that mourn. Even if it's not your own emotion, you can be bigger than whatever your own emotion is and enter into the feelings of others and help them out. Right, and what an awesome example to teach them to be more Christ-like, right? That, oh, we're going to,
00:32:26
Speaker
to feel sad because they need someone to be sad with. And that's kind of an unusual thought for a child. But I find that they gravitate towards it on their own. When I'm upset, the first person to come give me a hug is my three-year-old. And I know she doesn't choose to be sad except for if I need a hug, and then she will. And I just, oh, I think that's so beautiful.
00:32:47
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, so that's one way that we can be a harbor for them is like modeling this for them, how we are empathetic to other people as well.
00:32:57
Speaker
right yeah okay so then the third way that we can be this peaceful harbor for kids is to remember that by giving them a basis of beliefs or faith that can help them through this grief they will be much better prepared um than on their own or even just with our own help right so i try to teach my kids to pray regularly again in times of happiness and in times of sadness
00:33:21
Speaker
to meditate, to be willing to listen, to journal if they're old enough, get their feelings out, that can be really helpful, to realize that they might process grief totally differently from me. It might be a lot shorter, might be a lot longer, and to allow them that, but to give them this higher power to tap into if they need to.
00:33:41
Speaker
Yeah, this is actually number one for me. Like the whole way that I can be a help to my kids when they're experiencing grief is because I have a belief in a higher power. And that is like the main tool that I try to give them.
00:33:58
Speaker
to help them reconcile death or loss is that really this isn't, you know, a death or a loss is something that's out of our control. But there is somebody that is in control. And that is something like that is the number one tool I can give them is just the peace and the faith to rest on somebody else in control. This gives them closure. And that's a vital part of grief and loss. Like it doesn't have to go on forever. Yes, the person is gone.
00:34:27
Speaker
but you can have closure. And one thing that I found it's helpful to express to my kids is that it's okay to move on. You don't have to, when you're done grieving, when you're through the process,
00:34:45
Speaker
and you're ready to move on. Don't have guilt about that. It's okay to move on. It's okay to celebrate that this person's life was wonderful and that whatever you believe about the afterlife, it's okay to celebrate that instead of mourn and do not attach guilt to the
00:35:03
Speaker
ability to move beyond grief. So honor your own, honor your own grief process and have respect for others grief processes like how long or how short it takes them. But yeah, again, just, just, it's okay. It's okay to move on. And, and I think that this belief in a higher power is what will bring the closure and the ability to, to move on in life.
00:35:32
Speaker
Yes absolutely, absolutely.
Faith and Grief Closure
00:35:35
Speaker
You know I will say that our kids nowadays have a surprisingly small amount of chances to acquaint themselves with grief and with death and that's both a blessing and also maybe a just a little bit of a curse simply because they have less practice and when the big grief comes later on in life which
00:35:56
Speaker
Most of us have experienced at some point by the time we become parents, they're less equipped. You know, I think about even just 100 years ago, 150 years ago.
00:36:06
Speaker
people died at a much higher rate and I'm not saying I want to go back to that by any means but there was a lot more practice and acquaintance with death and with sadness that our kids do not get acquainted with and so this is a really important space for us to step into when they need us and to prepare them for it ahead of time and it can also be just a really beautiful place to connect with your kids but but it's up to us to make sure that they get through it okay you know and
00:36:35
Speaker
and that we give ourselves our own chance to get through it as well. So hopefully that was helpful for you guys and not too depressing of an episode, but we really felt passionately about this and hope that you can get out there and hold your kids close during those hard times. Thanks so much for tuning
Supporting the Podcast
00:36:51
Speaker
in. Did you know you can help the podcast in several ways? First up, we're on Patreon and there are three different levels to support us there.
00:36:59
Speaker
Just head to patreon.com slash outnumbered. Next step, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other parents find the podcast and receive the help you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumbered the podcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at outnumbered the podcast at gmail.com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.