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62. I Found My Voice- With Linzi Meaden
74 Plays4 years ago
Linzi Meaden lost her only sibling, Stuart, to suicide in June 2020. Totally unexpected and totally devastating for those left behind. To help with her grief, she has written a book “What Suicide Left Behind” due to be published on Amazon in May 2021, just shortly after their side by side birthdays, 28 & 29 April.
She has also created an online community for those grieving the loss of loved ones to suicide called “Paradisium” (which literally means “go into paradise”). The name came about because Stuart’s final online profile picture was changed to ‘escape to paradise’ on the day he went missing and Linzi finds solace in this, knowing he has reached his intended destination of peace. Paradisium offers online and offline activities to help with self healing such as art therapy, choir, writing, vlogs and live talks.
Linzi is using her new found voice to speak up about grief and suicide, especially to end the stigma surrounding this. She does this through her social media pages and website.
Contact Linzi Meaden: www.paradisium.co.uk
https://www.facebook.com/whatsuicideleftbehind
https://www.facebook.com/groups/whatsuicideleftbehind
https://www.instagram.com/linzi_meaden_suicide_grief/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or for coaching: http://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
Music: http://www.rinaldisound.com
Logo: http://www.pamelawinningham.com
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
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Transcript
Finding Voice Through Grief
00:00:01
Speaker
For me, I would say, and this is what I've been saying now, is that I've found my voice because I've always been very quiet and not speaking up and just being very British, sort of, you know, mustn't say this, mustn't say that. Whereas now I feel that, right, this has happened. This is big. My brother is now in spirit world.
00:00:21
Speaker
I've now found my voice. I will speak up. I will do the things that I've been afraid to do in the past because, you know, I'm doing it not only for myself, I'm doing it for him.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:36
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:43
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:00:59
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host.
Welcoming Lindsay
00:01:14
Speaker
Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:22
Speaker
Hello, we are so glad you're here and tuning in to listen to our conversation today. I am chatting with Lindsay Meaden all the way from the UK. Come on down, Lindsay. Hi, Kendra. Hi, how are you?
00:01:40
Speaker
I am well. I'm so grateful that we were able to find a time that worked for both of us with our time zones and that we were able to jump over the hurdles of technical difficulties and so forth before we started recording. But I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you for connecting with me and wanting to come on to share your story.
Life in Royal Tumbridge Wells
00:02:07
Speaker
You're very welcome and thank you for having me here.
00:02:11
Speaker
Thank you. Now, Lindsay, tell me where is it that you live in the UK? OK, so I'm in the southeast in Kent, which is not far from London, probably about an hour south of London. It's a town called Royal Tumbridge Wells.
00:02:30
Speaker
Okay. And is this where you were born and raised in this area of the UK? Yeah, I've always lived in the southeast. So I know this area. This is where my heart is. This is my home. And I know a lot of places here and have lots of
Motherhood and Twins
00:02:45
Speaker
friends. So it's a very special place to me. Yeah, it is home. Now, I was kind of going in through your Instagram yesterday to check in. You're a mom of twins, is that correct?
00:02:56
Speaker
I am I'm I'm what I'm what is class sometimes they class us as geriatric mums in this country because I was I was I was 42 when I gave birth so oh I have several of my friends that have given birth after in their 40s so I think I'm actually personally because I've done all I wanted to do before 40 and now in 42 I feel I felt adult enough to be become a mum
00:03:23
Speaker
And having twins has been an absolute blessing. I've got one of each and they are four years old and they are just an absolute joy. I love it. What are their names? They are Charlotte and Henry. Oh, beautiful. And such royal names too. They are, that's true, yes.
00:03:43
Speaker
Love it, love it. Now, are they in school or in pre-K or are they home right now and playing or something while they
Career Shift to Support Survivors
00:03:52
Speaker
wait? Josh, if they were here, you would hear them. No, they are at nursery school having fun so that it allows me time to do work and then they are at nursery school a couple of days a week. So I get the nice balance that I love to spend time with them. That's so important. Perfect.
00:04:09
Speaker
but it's also good they spend time with children of their own age and particularly during the pandemic.
00:04:15
Speaker
It's good that they are able to still mix with others. That's wonderful that they have the nurseries open there. So now what is it that you do for work that you're able to work from home to? Well, I've actually changed my business as a result of what's happened last year. Up until that point, I was working as a mind coach. So helping people deal with traumas and anxieties and fears. I've been doing that for about eight years, I think. But as I said, up until
00:04:45
Speaker
June last year and that's what I've been doing and it's changed a lot since then.
Impact of Brother's Loss
00:04:51
Speaker
So wait, you were doing that, you were a mind coach sent up to June of last year, technically. But what you're saying is something that actually a lot of people would be searching for even now, right? But I know that a lot has changed and that's part of the conversation we're going to have too and that may be the reason.
00:05:11
Speaker
So let's go into that. So we will be talking about your brother and your grief surrounding his death. So if you'd like to share your brother's name and how he passed away. Sure. I'm just taking a deep breath.
00:05:30
Speaker
Yes, please. And by the way, any moments you need to just be, and any questions I may ask that you do not feel comfortable answering or that you just need a little bit more time to process, please take your time. There's no hurry here. It's just a conversation.
00:05:47
Speaker
Thank you, Kendra. Okay, so I come from a family, a small family unit of just the four of us, mum, dad, me and my brother. And it's always been just the four of us. And my brother is two years older than me. We share birthdays, well, one day apart, but we've always sort of shared our birthdays. He's two years older. So you're like, as if you're Irish twins as the... With two years
00:06:17
Speaker
It's just having that birthday connection has been really special throughout our lives. His name is Stuart and we have always been just amazing siblings. We have got on with our own lives but we've always been there to support one another, always could rely upon one another and there's that familiarity of just knowing my brother's there,
00:06:41
Speaker
My sister's here. We are there for each other. It's just me and him. As you know, last year the pandemic hit the globe and in the UK in March we went into lockdown and in June we had the complete
Sensitive Terminology on Suicide
00:07:04
Speaker
news out of the blue complete shock to us all that my brother was missing and then three days later we heard the even worse news that he had died by suicide and that has completely turned our worlds upside down as a result from him passing away
00:07:27
Speaker
It's so recent. It's so recent. And the conversation we had just right before we started talking was regarding even just the terms around that. Would you mind sharing with the listeners, especially those that are in the US, the verbiage of how it's used, died by suicide in the UK and so forth? Would you mind sharing that? Sure.
00:07:52
Speaker
It's really really important in this country that we refer to when somebody dies by suicide that we do not use the term committed. It was in 1961 that suicide, dying by suicide, was no longer considered a crime and therefore to use the word committed suicide
00:08:16
Speaker
is just simply has been removed from the vocabulary when we're referring to suicide. So we prefer to say died by suicide or took their own life. They're two of the sort of most common phrases that are used. It also removes the stigma
00:08:34
Speaker
that is surrounding suicide because unfortunately there still very much is the stigma the shame and everything attached to somebody's death by suicide so yeah that's something that's really you might hear if you talk to anybody in the UK
Siblings as 'Forgotten Mourners'
00:08:52
Speaker
who has lost a loved one this way, that word will just trigger something. Yeah, that word, yeah. It will just kind of make you connect with something else. Now, thank you for sharing that. And I know that the words, I'm sorry, sometimes just can fall kind of not as lightly, those kind of terms that you're so used to hearing, sometimes regarding your
00:09:19
Speaker
your loss, but I am sorry. Thank you. Being that I also had a sister that was two years different than me who had passed away, that connection of your best friend,
00:09:34
Speaker
dying is just very hard. Yeah, it's your lifelong best friend because it's the person you first connected with, played with. As you know, it's sibling loss. I found that as siblings, we can often be the forgotten mourners because everybody tends to look towards the people left behind such as the partner or the spouse or the parents or the children, but the siblings tend to get forgotten.
00:10:03
Speaker
I don't know if you found that yourself. In my case, my sister was young. So she was 18. So she had not started a family. I was 21. So the focus, for sure, of course, my parents were a bit focused. But I think because of her age, it was a little bit different because she didn't have her own other family nucleus aside from us as a
Memorializing Stuart
00:10:33
Speaker
family.
00:10:33
Speaker
So, I think that that may change partly may be related to the age of the person. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, the dynamics. Yeah. So, in your circumstances, that was the case. And so, then tell us then, so he did have his family and his kids as well. He did have
00:10:54
Speaker
No, that's that's the other sad part to it is that he never had children. So I feel that the end of the line has stopped for him for his sort of there's nothing beyond other than his parents in terms of sort of blood relations and me as his sister. So he's my children, my twins, his niece and nephew, I feel are still are a part of him. But for him not having his own children,
00:11:24
Speaker
is sad because I feel that that sort of stopped when he left. He wasn't married, he had a partner, his girlfriend, they'd been together two years. He's forever 48 and it's, you know,
00:11:44
Speaker
It's still young. Absolutely. 48 is sort of mid life, isn't it? There's still so much more ahead. Absolutely.
00:11:58
Speaker
to think that he's missing out on Charlotte and Henry growing up. I mean, you know, he was their only uncle and it's just devastating and they love him so much. They've actually, it's just reminded me of, we've made some memorial bears out of his shirts and Charlotte and Henry have got one each and Charlotte in particular
00:12:20
Speaker
just is so attached to her uncle's stew bear, she calls it uncle's stew bear, and she sleeps with the bear every night, holds the bear, hugs the bear, talks to the bear, has conversations, it's just so beautiful that they've got that connection.
00:12:36
Speaker
how did you make these bears are they is it with his shirts like are they wearing the shirt or do you make them they're actually made from scratch so i gave a local seamstress um a lot of my brother's shirts and even pairs of socks because the ears have been made from socks
00:12:55
Speaker
and she's just turned all the clothing into a bear and there's a little heart on the bear as well which is cut out from a pair of his jeans so it's all items and even the buttons from from his shirts and a little pocket as well so you can put a little note inside.
00:13:14
Speaker
Absolutely beautiful. This is beautiful. How did you come? I had never heard of this and it's just, I'm getting chills thinking this. What a beautiful way because sometimes people do not know what to do with their loved ones belongings and they feel like they're not ready yet to give them away or to, you know, do you like to donate them or sometimes they just keep them, you know, just as is. But what you're doing is just so beautiful. What you did was so beautiful. So how did you come up with this idea?
00:13:43
Speaker
Actually it's quite a thing in the UK. There's a lot of places that do these types of memorial gifts and weirdly, and I don't know if this is a universal sign, but about a month before I kept getting on my Facebook a post coming up about turning shirts of
00:14:08
Speaker
deceased loved ones clothing, turning them into little dresses for girls or little waistcoats for little boys.
00:14:17
Speaker
which I comment on because I just thought that's so beautiful and little did I know a month later I would be in that situation where I've got my brother's clothes and I want to turn them into something and I knew already about the bears because I'd already seen those and another thing that I came up with um is to make because my brother had so many friends and colleagues that I made little hearts I got a lady to make little hearts out of his shirts with his name
Keepsakes from Stuart
00:14:44
Speaker
on and they've
00:14:44
Speaker
They've hung them in their cars. So he's always traveling around in their cars whenever they're driving as a little hot. So, so sweet. I love that. I love that. I had never heard of that. Thank you for sharing that. There's just so many different ways, right, in which we can honor them or hold them close to us. And this is one I had not heard.
00:15:12
Speaker
So around the, let's keep on talking then a little bit about this. So using his clothes, creating these memorial bears for your children, what do you hold then close to you from his items? What did you make for yourself?
00:15:30
Speaker
Well, I've actually bought a large treasure chunk. I can't say the word. Trunk. Yeah, we say trunk, chest. You guys say chunk? No, I've said it wrong. You combined the word chest with trunk and made it chunk. It is a chunk of wood made into a trunk.
00:15:52
Speaker
Oh, dear. I expect he's laughing along with me now, actually. Get your words out. Yeah, it's like, my sister, there goes Lindsay making up. I make up words all the time, but mine happened to be mainly due to the aspect that I'm bilingual. So there's words that I'm like, I am sure, like, I'm like completely sure that they exist in English. But no, I'm like people looking at me like, or I make up say or I say a saying.
00:16:19
Speaker
that I'm just literally translating from Spanish to English, but it doesn't make sense. So you're not alone in making a word. Thank goodness. So I purchased a treasure trunk.
00:16:40
Speaker
I've given, mum and dad have got several items and his partner's got items and then I've got items. I think the ones that I hold dearly very much, the things from childhood that he kept, just some silly little things that just remind me of our wonderful childhood that we have.
00:17:05
Speaker
He also was a massive collector of coins and it's lovely
Duality of Grief
00:17:11
Speaker
to just have those and go through them and knowing that he enjoyed collecting them, there's a meaning behind the coins, a story behind the coins. He's very much into history so he's also got a lot of books as well that relate to that. There's quite a few bits and bobs but I think
00:17:34
Speaker
The things that I love the most I've got an item of jewelry, which is made it's a ring made from his ashes. And that is.
00:17:46
Speaker
with me always. So how do they make it straight use it or do they just embed the ash because I've seen like of locketts that people or that they put them inside yeah this is one that I sent off to a jeweler a specialist company that so I had to send the ashes off to them and there's the ring and they sort of blend it in with some sort of resin I think and it's colored so it's a sort of beautiful teal color
00:18:15
Speaker
and then it's got little crystals around the edge, it's stunning. I was so just overjoyed when it came back through the post and that's with me always and that Phil I feel like he's always with me and I've also got a necklace as well which again I just feel is a real strong connection but yeah I mean
00:18:38
Speaker
There's so many, I mean I've got photographs all around me of him so I talk to him a lot. Some days I can look at the photos and smile and other days I can't look at them. It just makes me cry. It's weird, it's like that wave of grief that some days it's
00:18:57
Speaker
it's okay, I'm comfortable, I know he's in spirit, I know he's safe and happy, he's with me in spirit other days. I look at his photo and I just break down in tears and I feel such a sense of loss and I really miss his physical presence.
Spiritual Connection with Brother
00:19:14
Speaker
It's such a duality that of knowing that they're here yet at the same time, yes, missing them physically or missing the hearing of the voice or the touch itself, it is. And like even if we have those beliefs of knowing that in spirit they're with us, it's still that
00:19:35
Speaker
aspect that we relate things with our what we see and touch sometimes that that's the those part of our senses are still kind of missing out that we that that that then there's this overwhelm of of emotions as well now with you mentioned then you speak to him so has that been one of your tools of navigating this grief journey has been talking to him
00:20:04
Speaker
Absolutely. In fact, I don't think I would be in this place now. I think I'd be in a much darker place if I didn't feel some connection with him on the other side. Yeah, I talked to him a lot in my head, so it's not out loud. You're not walking down the street just looking over your shoulder and people looking at you like, who is it?
00:20:32
Speaker
I do. I did talk like when I would be in my car by myself, then I do actually. Yeah, I do that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Good. Good. We're not the only loonies out there. I do that. And in the garden as well, I'll sort of talk to him. But what I found is that he is very good at sending signs and messages. So. Oh, please share. Which ones are some of these that you recognized? The special ones.
00:20:57
Speaker
Yeah, on the day of his funeral, so that was three weeks after he passed, there's a beautiful white feather that landed on the doorstep. So as I opened the front door, just heading out to the funeral, there was this beautiful white feather and to me that was just beautiful, just beautiful. I've had another time where it was at Christmas and I went to a local shop and I actually wanted to buy him a Christmas card.
00:21:27
Speaker
even though he's not here I still wanted to buy him a Christmas card and I remember just being in tears I was standing in the shop looking at all the cards that said brother at Christmas and all of this and and I was just in tears I didn't care who saw me I was just missing my brother but I got back into the car
00:21:45
Speaker
I drove home. And when I opened the car door and shut the car door, I turned around and there was this beautiful white feather attached to the door. And it was just like he was saying, I'm with you. I'm with you to have a feather attached to the car. Let's just. Yeah. OK, I like that. Another time I've been. They say that those are some like angel, angel feather, like that when you see your father, it's kind of like an angel wing. Yeah.
00:22:14
Speaker
And another time I've had... Oh, that's gone out my head now. That's weird.
00:22:24
Speaker
That's really weird. I don't know what I was going to say with that one. But anyway, there's maybe because I interrupted you. I'm sorry. That's OK. That's OK. It obviously wasn't meant to be. But there's also been that because I very rarely listen to the radio in the car and there's a couple of times where I've switched it on and the radio has come on instead of my CD. And it's been a piece of music that's so connected to my brother.
00:22:49
Speaker
which again makes me go, wow, you're here, you're bringing a message through to me from this piece of music. We've had things in the house, I've got a downstairs, a frame with, it's a frame that somebody bought me with words and things connected to me and my life for my 40th birthday present and I've got it sat on a bookcase in the hallway
00:23:19
Speaker
and it twice has just fallen off onto the floor for no reason what so it's just literally just fallen off onto the floor there's no reason why it would fall um and i keep thinking that he's trying to to tell me something um and there's been things like the smoke detectors in the house just go off randomly when we're not cooking and there's no smoke and i know
00:23:42
Speaker
we can get signs through the energy, so through electricity, televisions turning off and on just by themselves. So these
Belief in Afterlife
00:23:51
Speaker
little things like that just make me know that I know he's doing this to make me know he's around. Yeah, and then there's the sense for you, it brings a sense of calm and connection, correct? When you see those signs? It does, it brings in a sense of
00:24:10
Speaker
The connection is so powerful because I really sense that he's here. I really do feel that and that's so important to me because I think if I believed that he died and that was it and that was the end, I couldn't cope with that. There's no way I'd be able to live each day if I felt that was it. He's gone, that's it.
00:24:37
Speaker
I have to talk about that. Yeah, let's talk about that a little bit further. Have you always believed in the fact that there is more or has that been something that since his passing has been more of like, let me
00:24:53
Speaker
Let me for sure adopt this belief because this is what's going to bring me hope or have you always believed the fact that there is more. I've always been very, very fascinated by the universe and why we're here and who are we and the, you know, what's beyond us.
00:25:10
Speaker
I've never experienced grief before though I've been very fortunate in my 46 years on this earth that I've only ever lost two people and that grief was incredibly different to what I'm experiencing now so this is the first where I've been massively impacted upon and this is where I've really had to focus more on
00:25:36
Speaker
the beliefs that there is an afterlife and I've really delved into it more, I've really tuned into it and my belief has got so much stronger as a result and I think yeah going forwards I am looking more into it but each and every day I'm finding new ways that are helping and strengthening my belief and
00:26:04
Speaker
giving me more hope. And just as you said before, the connection, it just makes that connection so much stronger. And that's what helps me get through each day because I feel like an only sibling now and only, you know, it's mum, dad and just me.
Living Authentically After Loss
00:26:23
Speaker
I don't have any brothers and sisters. And yet I do have a brother in spirit and that's what keeps me going.
00:26:33
Speaker
Yes, I love what you're saying, Lindsay, because it's I can relate to that so much to everything you're saying that I do not I sometimes had part of the reason I even started this podcast was my own curiosity of knowing whether people that had experienced grief that maybe did not believe in something else, how they how they would also
00:26:58
Speaker
how they would navigate grief knowing if like by chance that was it like if that was just the end like how different it would look and it's just that curiosity of knowing of people of different beliefs how what what is it that kind of helps them in that journey
00:27:14
Speaker
of grief as well. For me, as you are, like you said, for me, it's also that belief in that there is more and that this is just a transitional space we're in that our real, real being is our soul. And this one here on this plane and the material part was just one of the stages of our development, not
00:27:41
Speaker
not the whole stage of our development. The rest is just all in spirit form. That's at least my belief. But therefore, I don't see it as the end, just a transition. But it has brought me a lot of comfort knowing that too. Yeah.
00:28:03
Speaker
Because even just that comfort of the reconnecting as well, not only here that you can connect with him in that, you know, in some shape or form, like you said, in the forms of energy or these little messages that he leaves, but for you, the feeling of that when you pass away that you're, you know, reunited type of, you know, connection, is that also something that you think of?
00:28:30
Speaker
Yeah, I did my own sort of self healing meditation a while ago where I did connect with him in spirit, which was so beautiful. I sort of
00:28:46
Speaker
felt myself sort of transition up into his space and we met across the ocean and I can still picture and feel that we reached out and touched hands and we were sort of just like flying around
00:29:02
Speaker
particular places that we know where we wanted to spread some hope to people that his friends and our parents, we flew together over to our parents' house and sort of put them in a bubble of safety and a sort of support bubble to look after them.
00:29:26
Speaker
And my brother was also sprinkling some white feathers around our parents' house as well, just to leave little signs and messages so mum and dad know he's around. It was so beautiful.
00:29:40
Speaker
I can still, I'm seeing it in my mind now, just that journey that we took together. And when it was a time for him to move away and for me to come back down to earth here, it was, I didn't feel afraid of death anymore.
Mind Coaching Tools for Grief
00:30:00
Speaker
I knew that I've got time on this earth now, I've got a purpose
00:30:06
Speaker
Turning this pain into purpose I've got a mission and I've got this is what I've got to do before it's my time To pass and this is what he wants me to do. He's given me the courage to be me
00:30:16
Speaker
and this is what I'm really focusing on so I know that when it's my time to go that I know that he's there waiting along with all our other loved ones who have passed over. Does that make any sense whatsoever? It makes so much sense. I have chills and what you said that he gave me a courage to be me
00:30:39
Speaker
I have a friend who I also interviewed on the podcast. Her brother also died by suicide. The way I titled that episode was, this experience cracked me open because that's what she felt. There was kind of like living that was like this rebirth of even herself.
00:31:02
Speaker
Within. Yep. And for me, I would say, and this is what I've been saying now, is that I've found my voice because I've always been very quiet and not speaking up and just being very British, sort of, you know, mustn't say this, mustn't say that. Whereas now I feel that, right, this has happened. This is big. My brother is now in spirit world.
00:31:24
Speaker
I've now found my voice. I will speak up. I will do the things that I've been afraid to do in the past because, you know, I'm doing it not only for myself, I'm doing it for him. And yeah, I'm using his voice too. And yeah, I'm using my voice. I'm much more open. I will say how I feel, what I think. Yeah, it's completely life changing. It's completely changed my life.
00:31:54
Speaker
And it's interesting yet, because again, it's so close to when it happened, Lindsay, that I'm in awe that in these eight months that you and when we're recording, because by the time I launched this one, how many months it would have been when the listeners, but from June till now that you have already made all these, I don't know if that's a word,
00:32:25
Speaker
Well, all the, yeah, these are reconciliation. I don't think that's the word I want to use. Words can sometimes just not be. Sometimes they're not my thing. Sometimes they just don't come. They just like chunked and you know.
00:32:41
Speaker
I'm like, what is the word I want to use? Just being able to reconcile. I think that's what it is. Reconcile with what's happened and give it purpose. That is incredible because it is, again, one of these proofs that it's not about the time necessarily that goes by. It's about the
00:33:02
Speaker
person that's experienced something, what tools do they already have? And that we will, if you don't mind, we'll go into that aspect because you were already a mind coach before. So what tools this person has that then helps them then navigate certain situations
00:33:19
Speaker
And then have the ability, like you just mentioned of turning pain into purpose is different, right? So again, it's not that 10 years go by and then suddenly you do, you know, every, again, everybody is just so different. So for somebody hearing that maybe still has not been able to find a way of
00:33:39
Speaker
turning their pain into purpose. Don't feel discouraged when you hear somebody that maybe has already found that in a short period of time. Just know that they've had their own own story behind the scenes kind of thing that you've not seen that has allowed them to do that in the now.
The Havening Technique
00:33:59
Speaker
So let's go a little into that. So into your mind coaching component and as to why it is that in June you stopped doing that.
00:34:09
Speaker
Yeah, so my background, sort of what I've learned in terms of I've done neurolinguistic programming and hypnotherapy, havening techniques, TFT, life coaching. But where does that one, I haven't heard of that. What is it? The last one, havening. Havening.
00:34:28
Speaker
Yes, I haven't heard that one. The Havening Techniques. It comes from Dr. Ronald Rudin and Dr. Stephen Rudin in New York. Gosh, how many years ago? I'm going to have to look up here. About 12 years ago. And he's a
00:34:48
Speaker
neuroscientists and he's come up with, he's looking at sort of things like TFT and energy healing and trying to work out how does this all work because being a neuroscientist he's looking very much into the workings in the brain and he developed his own psychosensory, so modality which he calls the havening technique, so haven to put you in a safe place whilst we are releasing the trauma.
00:35:14
Speaker
and the anxieties and the fears. It's incredibly powerful and effective and I've used it myself. I've been doing self-havening which is basically using sensory touch to make changes in your own brain chemistry
00:35:33
Speaker
to put you in a calmer state, a more relaxed state. It can go into a whole therapeutic setting where you're actually dealing with clearing trauma and a lot deeper. It's a little different than hypnotherapy but similar results in terms of it's just kind of taking you to a different state yet not necessarily hypnotized.
00:35:55
Speaker
Yeah it's not it's not hypnosis it's more of you do go into a nice trancey calm state you can do because it's so relaxing because we're naturally releasing serotonin oxytocin dopamine the chemicals it's making chemical changes in the brain and we're focusing and targeting with the amygdala which is where we can encode the trauma so it's very much focusing on on releasing
00:36:22
Speaker
um, encoded traumas through events that have happened. So we've worked a lot with people who've been through, um, like the London bombings, um, horrific things. Um, any, I mean, anything can be traumatic. It's one person's trauma can be different to another person's trauma. So it's, um, in what you experienced was trauma. Yeah. And actually that's what helped me doing the self-havening helped me with sleep.
00:36:52
Speaker
Because when Stuart was first missing for the first three days, I was really struggling to obviously go to sleep because I was wondering, where is he? Where is my brother? And I couldn't sleep. And I remember just stroking my arms, slight giving yourself a hug and just stroking your arms.
00:37:13
Speaker
humming a tune and just distracting my mind but the stroking is what's releasing the delta waves which is what we need to target in the brain and that is very soothing and comforting and I did that every night to help me sleep and whilst I only managed about two or three hours sleep I think that's still incredible when somebody you love is missing
00:37:34
Speaker
And then when we heard the news that he died, I obviously went into a state of shock. And my husband did some havening with me just to calm me down and to help me feel safe because in that point in time I was
Expressing Grief Naturally
00:37:51
Speaker
encoding the trauma of being told that my brother had passed by suicide so havening helped massively and still does when I just need to just get myself in a much more calmer state of mind and I think that's I've been very blessed I know because
00:38:09
Speaker
A lot of people don't know the learnings that I have, that have led up to this, that I've trained with, that I've experienced, that I've learned leading up to this point. So had I not known all of these modalities, these methodologies, like the NLP, the hypnotherapy, the coaching, the mind programming techniques, I wonder how I would be doing now. I could be a complete mess.
00:38:39
Speaker
and tears every day and not knowing what way to turn and how to do anything and which is why I feel so blessed that I've got these skills and tools and resources and that I've used them for myself to help me get through each day and that's not to say that
00:38:56
Speaker
every single day I'm singing and dancing and happy. I'm absolutely not. You're not? I really do have days when I am in such a bad place and even
00:39:13
Speaker
I don't even want to apply any of the learnings that I've learned to myself because I just know. I was just going to say that. I was just going to say that sometimes we really do just want to feel what we're feeling. Exactly. I want to grieve. I want to I want to sit with this emotion of I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm upset. I'm emotional. I want to cry. I want to scream. So I'll do it. That's exactly what I'll do. And I will do that. I will not. I will let myself experience it and go through it rather than
00:39:43
Speaker
just brush it aside or, Oh, well I can clear that because no, I need to experience it. It's all part of the grief. Um, and that's important. Um, that made me think now since you have four year olds, uh, if that made me think of even just when a four year old throw it was like, or a three year old or two year old or even, uh,
00:40:00
Speaker
The older one throws a tantrum, as we say it here, a fit. How do you call it in the UK? They call them tantrums here. Tantrums, you know, and that as a parent, we're like trying to like fix it, right? But no, they literally need that release. Give them space. Yeah. That's what I do. If my little ones are like that, if they, if they're struggling with an emotion or they can't explain how they're feeling or they're frustrated by something,
00:40:27
Speaker
I let them just have that space to just get it out their system and it's actually really good to just do it you see and I learn from them I've learned a lot from them so they are as I said they've been sent to me I think it possibly again the universe knew this was going to happen maybe there was a reason for me to have twins at this age because this is the
00:40:48
Speaker
good time for them to be the age they're at to help for me to help them for them to help me for me to learn and grow from them too so I all believe all these things are connected together it's like a big jigsaw and everything's happened and it's all coming together and I know some people don't like the phrase oh it's all meant to be
00:41:09
Speaker
I kind of think like that. I think these things are meant to be. That's
Writing as an Emotional Outlet
00:41:13
Speaker
just me. That's just how I think about it. I know some people don't. I believe that too. I know that when somebody has just had an experience, like the telling somebody that, that may not necessarily feel that is not that comforting, right?
00:41:27
Speaker
when you say, oh, well, it was for the best, or da, da, da, da, or they're no longer suffering, those kind of phrases that in that moment for somebody that's just experienced a loss, those don't make sense. They don't help them in that particular moment, right? But as we start going into living it and seeing all these little, like you said, jigsaw puzzle, all these puzzles, pieces of the puzzle,
00:41:54
Speaker
fitting together you realize this was orchestra it was it was part of a plan kind of it was not just like a fluke it was part of all of it is part of the whole this is how i believe it to be this is yeah i just believe there's something bigger and this is it's all as you say part of the plan part of the bigger picture something because you know we're not all going to live to the age of 100 um we all die at different ages don't we so yes it's
00:42:24
Speaker
Yeah, and the other thing that I've learned which has helped is the writing, which I've done pretty much early on from day one. I just started writing. A lot of it was waffle to start with but I had to get out of my head.
00:42:40
Speaker
and writing, I almost felt like my brother was holding my hand whilst I was writing. So again, it's another way of expressing emotions, writing. What would you write? What was going on in your day? Would you write about your feeling? I wrote too, but I would write it like to my sister, but as, and I'm talking more about my sister than I am about my mom, even though it was longer, you know, ago.
00:43:04
Speaker
But just because it was my first like really major, you know, close. But so would you write to him like as if you're talking to him or would you talk about your emotions? What is it that you would write? I think to start with, I was starting to write my emotions and then I was writing as if I was having a conversation with him. And he was then the words that flowed because it changed from my head and started coming from the heart.
00:43:33
Speaker
And the words that flowed back were like coming from him. So it was like we were having a conversation. And as a result of the writing, I've ended up writing a book. I love it. I saw that on your website. Yeah, it says coming soon and all these other things that are coming soon, which I can't wait to hear more about. I'm very excited that I've got another massive project that I'm working on now, which again is about
00:43:59
Speaker
supporting suicide loss survivors and that is incredibly exciting and I've had to throw myself into keeping busy and doing these things which I know can also be seen as avoidance and I know that. So I am now making time to make sure that I'm having time where I'm just not focusing on all these things that I'm working on to just be me
00:44:30
Speaker
and to be okay with that because that's the time when I feel a little bit vulnerable because I feel I'm just me, the raw, authentic me dealing with grief and that's
00:44:44
Speaker
That's where I need to, I think, spend more time at the moment because I have been, I know I'm aware I've been throwing myself into writing and supporting others, helping his friends and doing things for other people and our parents and writing the book and doing this new project that I need to just stop sometimes and just be.
Creating a Supportive Community
00:45:05
Speaker
I can relate to that. I mean, I can understand that, but at the same time, what you're doing is still revolving around his loss, right? So it's still revolving and it's still revolving around helping others that are dealing. So it feels still that it's still part of that journey of grief because it's still in relation to his
00:45:30
Speaker
death, it's not necessarily isolated, like, let me just go and, you know, I don't know, do something that does not have to, you know, you're constantly actually being, you're talking about death, you're talking about suicide, you're talking about the, you know what I mean? You're helping others around it. So by helping others with their grief journey,
00:45:56
Speaker
is also helping you. So at least that's how I feel. And maybe that's because that's the way I do it. Maybe that's because that's the way I do it. Maybe we're both avoiding in the same way.
00:46:11
Speaker
So I don't know, I feel that it's still all related. It would be different if you had like navigate into computer work and just like mindless kind of doing. But no, you're writing a book that is all about this.
00:46:30
Speaker
Exactly. It's like you're having to tap into. Yeah, you're having to tap into these emotions. I have to. As you say, it's all part, it's all connected, it's all part. As I say, that's how my life has changed so much since June because my full focus is very much now on this is my mission, this is my purpose. I've got to speak up more about suicide and let people know to remove this stigma of suicide, to also with grief that there's
00:46:58
Speaker
such a this belief that oh okay we're grief for a few months and that's it done move on with your life get back to normal no that's not how it works especially with someone you love so much when they leave the grief is something you learn to live with
00:47:17
Speaker
And it's a journey that you take going forwards. You don't just say, right, I've grieved for three months and that's it finished done. And I've been learning that because I've never grieved this way before. So it's still very much each and every day is a learning curve for me. I'm learning so much each and every day, each and every month that goes past. And I haven't as yet come up to his first anniversary of when he died or
00:47:44
Speaker
It's our birthdays next month. I was just going to ask you that. Actually, I thought of that before. Like, has your birthday, have your birthdays happen yet? So in April, what is your birthday then? Mine's the 28th. His is the 29th.
00:48:01
Speaker
OK, so we are I am, yeah, just not even sure what I want to do on those two days, because it's I know it's going to be very difficult for mum and dad, particularly mum. You know, that's her first born's birthday, but it's also my birthday and it's.
00:48:20
Speaker
I don't know how to help them. But I want to do something memorable on that day, which is why I've decided to launch the book on that day, on his birthday. Are you serious? So you already have done that much of the book that you're already ready to launch it? I know. I don't know how I've done it. And with four year old twins running around. Just actually weirdly, just you saying that to me makes me think, oh my God,
00:48:49
Speaker
What's happened? What have I done? It is like this poor outpouring of wow. So he wrote it with you. He wrote it with you.
00:49:03
Speaker
Yes, I feel like he's my co-author. He's written with me in spirit and it's not just me that's written it. Yeah. What is the book about? Is it your journey? What is it about? Do you have the title yet of what it's going to be? I'm going to put your website, of course, on the show notes for people to be on the lookout. Thank you. Maybe by the time this episode releases, it's close to that launch. No pressure.
00:49:33
Speaker
No pressure, no pressure, no pressure. All I'm going to say right now is listeners go to the link right below and purchase your book. Let's just bring it. Let's do that whole thing of vision casting already. So tell, tell a little bit of what is, um, what is it about? And if you have a title. Yeah, I do. I've called it what suicide left behind. Um, because that's what it's all about. It's about, well, what, what's been left suicide has happened. I've lost a loved one.
00:50:03
Speaker
there's all of us grieving behind. How do we move on? How do we deal with it? So it talks about my brother and how he died and a little bit of, I suppose, a journaling, I think you call it in America, where there's
00:50:20
Speaker
I sort of detailed a little bit into the police helping and the funeral and the inquest and about that but then it goes into explaining what is suicide, what is grief, how to navigate your own grief journey because no two grief journeys are the same, nobody can take your grief away from you, it's your grief and it's for you to find a way to navigate
00:50:48
Speaker
in your own time, in your own way and how you, nobody can do anything, nobody can fix you, you don't need fixing, you just need time to grieve. So I basically just sort of, it's really to help somebody just who's been affected by suicide to just take them through the journey that I've been through to this point here
00:51:11
Speaker
um because there will be another book that follows for the next part of the journey um and it's just to give them the support it's like i'm reaching out with a hand to say i'm holding your hand if you need someone to just walk you through your next few months few years or whatever i'm here because i've been in this place
00:51:31
Speaker
because it's all very raw. It's the first six months of my grief. So it's all very raw and authentic and to the point. And it's hopefully just give somebody some support and guidance and to say, I'm here and I understand and I'm with you. Oh, that's so beautiful. Had you ever written before? No, no, never. But as I said, it, it,
00:51:59
Speaker
just something that happened, I just felt this overwhelming sort of power within me to just, I have to write, I have to write. And then it sort of moved from coming out of my head and it came, started to come from the heart. And that's where I found it to be the most sort of cathartic. You know, it's helped me so much. So I would say to anybody,
00:52:26
Speaker
who perhaps is not sure how to express their emotions, try writing, even if it's just single words, it might then turn into a sentence, turn into a paragraph, see what happens, go with the flow. Do you write a pen to paper? When you write your book, is it at the computer or is it pen to paper? Both, actually.
00:52:50
Speaker
Sometimes it's using a pen, writing on a little notebook and I'll just flow. And other times I'm just sat in front of my computer and my fingers will just be tapping away at the keyboard. And I'm not even sure what's coming out. It just seems to flow. Um, and I get really into the zone and I find that so powerful.
00:53:14
Speaker
It's so beautiful because it's like you're just opening the channel and just allowing it to just come through. And I've heard that by authors. I think it's Gilbert. I think the one that Eat, Pray, Love, Melissa. Is it Melissa Gilbert? Oh, okay. I can't think of the name, but I know who you mean here.
00:53:36
Speaker
So I remember hearing an interview she did and it, I feel bad if I'm by chance saying the wrong name, but it is Gilbert. So that she, when she was a little girl, she'd be out playing in the fields and all of a sudden she'd get like this idea, like of something to write in that she like,
00:53:55
Speaker
run home, run, run, run, run, and like grab the pen and just like put it to the paper before it would leave her because it was that. It was that kind of like a stroke of lightning that you just have to like just go with it. And so it's more of that opening of that channel to allow it. And I've heard so many different ways of people
00:54:19
Speaker
describing inspiration and of being that it's really not ours. It's all it is is just like there's this pool of pool of inspiration out there and it's just waiting to be tapped into just open the faucet basically whoever whoever's ready to be the one to open the faucet is the one that ends up putting it you know onto paper or onto a song or onto a
00:54:48
Speaker
creative piece like theater or whatever it is, all these creative sources. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait. And then to have you back on when you've actually have it launched. I would love that just to see how it feels and to talk about the actual book itself. I'd love to have you again, Lindsay.
00:55:11
Speaker
And so now also talk a little bit then about then the support that you've created then about helping others or that you're starting to do. Yeah, this is exciting because the other thing I've found that again that's helped me with my grief because obviously we've been in lockdown for the majority of it. So we haven't been able to go out and mix with anybody. I found that singing and dancing
00:55:40
Speaker
again, is another way of expressing my emotions, but also gives me that little bit of an uplift, just can change my state. So if I'm feeling really down and low, tearful, and just stuck in a bad place, I'll go into the kitchen, put on my favorite Latino music, and I'll just start dancing, or I just start singing. No, that just said Latino. Afterwards, you got to tell me which artists you play.
00:56:09
Speaker
Enrique, I love Enrique, Enrique, Gladius. I can't get enough of this. See, I'm already digging away to that. So this really uplifts me and obviously because of the twins as well, they join in if they're here and we have a sing and a dance. But I find the singing element as well stops me from going into my head and having
00:56:39
Speaker
the sort of negative internal dialogue that I was having but certainly in the early days where I was just questioning the why because with suicide it's there's always the questions why how what happened what could I have done the guilt the blame the shame there's so much going on that makes it a complex grief that yes I felt my head was getting overwhelmed so singing
00:57:02
Speaker
clears out my head completely because I'm just focused on the song, the song words and singing and I get into that zone of music and dance. So what I've set up and I'm working on very much now, it's a massive project which is an online community bringing people together and we've got our first practice group next week where we've got a
00:57:30
Speaker
a choir, so we're coming together to sing songs. So we're all connected because we've all lost somebody, a loved one to suicide, so we're all in different stages of our grief. But we are singing songs together on a weekly basis online. We also have a dancing one, so again we're coming together to do dance classes online
00:57:55
Speaker
And it gives, and there's lots of other, it's like having a tree and there's these different branches coming off with different ways. So we've got an arty one, a writing one, different ones that you can join in on. It's art therapy. It's like art therapy. Yeah. Like just a artistic way of expressing. So instead of, instead of the sort of traditional therapy of taking medication or talking therapy,
00:58:20
Speaker
I found that this is just an alternative for somebody who says, I don't want to do that. I want to do so. I just want to feel good. I just want an hour for me just to switch off from everything and just dance or I just want to paint a picture. But I don't want to do it by myself. I want to be amongst others that are with me and we're in it together. So it's just bringing everyone together. So there's weekly classes and
00:58:44
Speaker
It's all connected to our loved ones. So all the sort of art pieces that we'll be creating are all connected to making memorial items for our loved ones, things that bring memory or positivity or hope. There's all a big connection there. So that's what I'm working on. And then alongside that, I'm doing a local running group.
00:59:10
Speaker
So again, because being outdoors, being in nature, walking or running, and I don't run at all, but I'm doing this for my brother. There's a charity that's local that does running to beat suicide. So again, I'm setting up my group here in Tumbidge Wells to allow people to come together just to give them that time and space, just to feel the fresh air, the open door outdoors and just be with people that
Growth Through Grief
00:59:39
Speaker
are in a similar space. Oh, so beautiful. So for the workshops, the ones coming on online, that will start the next week as we're recording this and we're recording this in March. So for future ones, people can just sign up. Yeah, what we're doing at the moment is we're beta testing it all. So we're making sure it all works and all coming together. And I'm planning to launch that again on the 29th of April alongside the book.
01:00:08
Speaker
So they'll be launched together. So that's the 29th of April and we've got some other new ideas to mix in with that as well but it's massive and it's a huge project but I really hope it takes off and helps and brings people together because unfortunately suicide is on the increase.
01:00:30
Speaker
And I think we just need to speak out more about it and help those that are affected by it. Especially now in which people that may have either depression or things like that and are isolated from the world, then it is increasing even more right with the circumstances of what's going on in the world.
01:00:56
Speaker
I absolutely have loved everything you've said. I wanted to ask you one more thing. What was the other thing I was going to ask you regarding that? Oh yes, I wanted to ask you this. What are you grateful for in this experience? What would you, what have you learned about yourself or grown or
01:01:24
Speaker
I mean, you've already shared a lot of what you've done, but in general, that you would otherwise not have maybe known had you not experienced grief, had you not been experiencing grief. I think I'm very grateful for, obviously I wanted to recognize my brother for being my brother.
01:01:47
Speaker
for everything he's done and for still being beside me or be in spirit but I'm very grateful for being able to be his sister but also I have so much gratitude for
01:02:04
Speaker
I just feel so much more connected to people. I feel much more a connection of love with other people now because I think I feel I've opened up more and so I'm able to
01:02:20
Speaker
understand others better and empathize better and there's much more of a two-way connection. Whereas before I felt very closed off, does that make sense? Yes, yes. It's as if you tapped into the other emotions within you that to create even more empathy towards others that therefore allows you a deeper connection. Yes, that said it perfectly. I think up until, yeah,
01:02:49
Speaker
Stewart died, I was very much just kept things and feelings bottled up. Whereas now, you know, if I love somebody, I will tell them, I love you. Whereas before I wouldn't be able to say that, perhaps. I just, yeah, I feel, you know, as human beings, we are just, I do feel that we are so much more connected as humans. We are all connected together. And I think,
01:03:20
Speaker
This, you know, this has completely turned my world upside down, but in some ways for the better. I feel that this is actually
01:03:32
Speaker
Is it wrong? No, no, you know, like, don't, don't, don't, don't think, don't think it because the moment you think that you start thinking what I'm saying may mean as if I am great. It's not that we're trying to say that we are grateful that our loved ones passed away. That's not what we're saying. We're saying this happened.
01:03:53
Speaker
And you're going into the NLP part of your brain, maybe, the words. But it's more like, yeah, this happened, but I still can find gratitude in having lived through this. It's not that you're like, oh, thank goodness. No, that's not.
01:04:13
Speaker
Of course we would want them here with us, right? It's not that. And I hear, that's why it's sometimes even phrasing the question of like, what are you grateful for? What have you grown in this experience? It's hard for me to sometimes figure out how to phrase it so that the person doesn't think that I'm saying that they're happy.
01:04:34
Speaker
It's like a light has been switched on and I've now got a real purpose to really live and make this life count and make things happen and grab these opportunities and do things and not waste life at all. It's just like he's given me this powerful sort of or passed a baton on to me or something to say, right,
01:05:02
Speaker
go live your life, go do what you want to do, have, be, you know, be who you want to be, be the real you to have the courage, just do it, just live it and just shine and just, and yeah, I feel blessed. I feel blessed. I feel blessed.
Closing Invitation to Share Stories
01:05:18
Speaker
Yeah.
01:05:19
Speaker
Beautiful. I feel blessed to have you here sharing this journey and your learnings in this short amount of time, Lindsay. Thank you. And I'm so grateful that you were open to sharing this and that we met on the little clubhouse chat there of Griever's and I'm just, yeah, just
01:05:43
Speaker
Very, very grateful. It was meant to be. It was. I again, part of it. It's all part of the play, all a part of the puzzle. Is there anything else you'd like to leave? And if you want to just say the name of your website again, I'll put it at the bottom. But if you want to just say. Well, I've got a Facebook page and a group, which is called What Suicide Left Behind, which is also the name of the book. I haven't as yet confirmed the main website, so I'll have to tell you that at a later date.
01:06:12
Speaker
Okay, perfect. And then Instagram, what is that? Oh, Instagram, I'm Lindsay Meaden on Instagram. On Instagram. Perfect. Thank you once again. Thank you, Kendra. I don't want the conversation to end because I want to still keep on picking your brain because I still have more questions. I have to be part two. I have to be part two. Thank you. You're wonderful. Thank you, Kendra.
01:06:43
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone
01:07:08
Speaker
who may need to hear this, please do so. Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.