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Kids Who Struggle With Impulse Control {Episode 137}
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Let's face it, learning to control our impulses (to yell, run; be destructive, violent and more) is a natural part of learning to be human. But some little ones struggle with these impulses more than others.
Today's episode is for you moms (and dads) who might be wracking your brains to understand and better help these children express themselves appropriately. We've got you covered!
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Transcript
Impulse Control in Kids: Challenges and Solutions
00:00:00
Speaker
You're listening to our number the podcast, episode 137, kids with impulse control issues. Today's episode is for any child, which means all of them who struggle with controlling their impulses. We're going to give you some suggestions for helping kids in any stage of childhood, whether age one or age 17, as well as helpful hints for preventing meltdowns and helping them while they're happening. I know you guys are going to love this one.
Parenting with Humor: Audrey and Bonnie's Insights
00:00:30
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
00:00:55
Speaker
Welcome back, friends. This is episode 137, and we are talking today about children who struggle with controlling their impulses. Now, just as a forward here, all kids struggle with this. This is just kind of a childhood problem, maybe not even a problem. This is just something that every human being has to learn, and sometimes they learn it
00:01:16
Speaker
Uh, quite quickly. And sometimes it takes him a little bit longer and sometimes even we as adults struggle with controlling our, um, our impulses to do crazy things. Right. So we're going to talk a little bit about helping kids, especially those who struggle a little bit longer. Yeah. Um, put a piece of good dark chocolate in front of me and I've got impulse control. Amen.
The Role of Laughter in Parenting
00:01:35
Speaker
Okay. I'm going to start with a funny mom moment here. So my thought behind sharing this little anecdote was that sometimes it's good to let your kids just go off whenever, as long as they want. They're not hurting anybody. And then, you know, obviously there's times when they can need to learn some impulse control, but there's times when you can just let them go on and on.
00:02:00
Speaker
this day when I was driving with my seven-year-old and my 10-year-old in the car and it was just the three of us and we were on our way back and it was kind of evening. They were probably tired and I made the mistake of reading them the bumper sticker in front of me because it made me giggle and it said, I like pork butts and I cannot lie.
00:02:23
Speaker
They lost it. They lost it. And they lost it for 20 miles. They laughed and they giggled and they'd look at each other and they'd say, pork butts. And it went on for 20 miles.
00:02:36
Speaker
And I didn't even try to stop it. I was like, you know what, they're just getting out some of this goofy silliness and we're just, nobody's here to get hurt by their laughing and giggling over pork butts. They're not getting out of their car seats. They're still strapped in or their seat belts. They're still strapped in. So we're good. We just let them go.
00:02:51
Speaker
And guaranteed, they didn't even get the pop culture reference. They just thought pork butts was funny. And they could have wreaked a major havoc had this silly giggle session set in, like in your nice living room. But if it was stuck in the car, you just had to listen to it. That's cute. That's cute. Yeah, there are definitely scenarios where it's okay to let go, right? We all have that. When my kids go to bed, I'm like, I'm going to go
00:03:16
Speaker
I don't know, hit a punching bag or something and relieve some stress, right?
Understanding Impulse: Definitions and Development
00:03:21
Speaker
But as parents, that's probably one of our biggest frustrations is learning to teach and deal with the outbursts of our children, right? So just to start off, the dictionary definition of an impulse is a sudden, strong, and unrestrained urge or desire to act. So this is a natural part of growing up, right? We all learn what's appropriate, what's not, when it's okay to scream and yell and run around, when it's not, et cetera. And of course, as a parent,
00:03:46
Speaker
half of that drives us crazy because we're adults and we understand that's not appropriate. For a child it is appropriate because that's just childhood, right? So while we are going to be talking a lot about that regular impulsivity that comes with childhood, we're also going to talk a little bit about the extensive impulse control issues that comes with maybe some sort of diagnosis like ADHD or just a child who struggles a little bit more in this area.
00:04:10
Speaker
It's important to realize that these kids might need a little extra help, maybe even professional help with understanding how to restrain those impulses.
Impulse Control Challenges: ADHD and Sensory Processing
00:04:19
Speaker
Yeah, there's a lot of things that can be going on affecting a kid. I might throw in a few things about sensory processing disorder as we go through this because I have personal experience and my kids have experience with that. But I think probably we're going to have to do a whole episode on that.
00:04:34
Speaker
But you know, impulse control problems can come from the general temperament of a child. Some kids are just more patient and quiet than others and some just can't keep it in. Or it can be like a general overstimulation of an executive function part of the brain.
00:04:51
Speaker
So like with sensory processing disorder, the definition of that, it's an improper fight or flight response to normal stimuli. So the clicking of a pen is like normal stimuli, but somebody sits there and does it 25 times in a row, and I'm probably going to have an improper fight or flight response to that. So it's just like the brain is not functioning right. So it's harder for them to think, plan, execute tasks, problem solve, a lot of stuff going on that makes just
00:05:21
Speaker
proper behavior kind of go by the wayside so that they can get this thing that's bugging them or overstimulating them worked out.
00:05:30
Speaker
Yeah. And we see a lot of impulsivity, these sorts of problems in kids with more serious disabilities as well, right? That's just part of, that executive brain function is a really higher level thing to learn. And most typical kids will get it eventually. Some will struggle for longer and some never will. But these skills we're going to talk about today can help all of them.
Age-Appropriate Strategies for Managing Impulse Control
00:05:53
Speaker
So we're going to give
00:05:54
Speaker
First, we're gonna start off by giving a few clues for each age of the child. Because like we mentioned, impulse control issues are a natural part of childhood. So we wanna talk about what's appropriate, what's not, how to help each age level. And then we're gonna talk about some additional tools for helping them ahead of time and in the moment of crisis. So like a calm prep moment and then also while they're losing control.
00:06:18
Speaker
Um, so to start off babies, babies, we're talking like underage too. For babies, we generally just follow their cues when they're overwhelmed or overstimulated. So like my four month old, when there's too much going on, she turns her head away from the noise or from, you know,
00:06:33
Speaker
chaos, she'll bury her head in my shoulder, that sort of thing. Really, really young babies do this. Two-year-olds might cry or whimper, might come and put their head in your legs. Or they might do the opposite and go crazy running all over and you're thinking, hmm, there's something a little bit too overwhelming about this scenario. I think my kid is acting out, right? But if they seem a little bit crazy, you can try to calm them. If they seem a little bit afraid, try to calm them, right? So this is a pretty simple phase.
00:06:59
Speaker
Yeah, you know, we have a whole episode about helping babies when they're crying, but I wanted to say kind of in this situation when they're overstimulated, one of the biggest things that we have found to help us is swaddling. So to help a baby when they're overstimulated or something's bugging them, we just swaddle them because that kind of takes the physical part, the part of their brain that is using
00:07:24
Speaker
that they're using to do physical processing, it makes that part kind of stop because they can't move their arms and legs or their movement is a lot restricted. And then they can better cue you in or cope with the thing that's overstimulating them. So especially with very small babies, swaddling is like the first thing I do when I'm seeing a baby that's struggling.
00:07:46
Speaker
or putting them in a wrap, right? Nice and tight, close to mom or dad so that they know that they're safe. And there's an interesting point that especially young children have a lot going on in their brain. Their brain is trying to control this body that is ever changing. It's changing every couple of months, right? Growing bigger and longer and clumsier and doing new skills as well as developing this executive brain function. And sometimes it's just too much. So if you can take away that physical aspect, I love that concept, then it makes it a little bit easier on them.
00:08:11
Speaker
So the next stage is preschool-ish, ages three to five. You can help them practice self-control by saying things like, oh, you want a cookie? Well, first we eat our dinner. Or, oh, you want to go play outside? First we pick up our toys, right? So you're teaching them a little bit of delayed gratification to help them learn self-control.
00:08:29
Speaker
And then there are a lot of really fun preschool games that you can play with kids that struggle with this, like things like red light, green light, right? They really want to run and come and catch you, but they have to stop because it's red light. And then you give them green light and give them a chance to run towards you and then you stop them, right? So they're practicing that stop and go. Duck Duck Goose is another one like this. Simon says they're all just silly little games, but they help kids practice control.
00:08:52
Speaker
Yeah, isn't that interesting what they begin to be able to understand about self-control at this, like even that concept? Like before this time, I tell my two-year-old, you know, he asks or something and I tell him he can't have it, and he just asks again. He thinks I didn't understand. That's why I'm not letting him have it or do it.
00:09:10
Speaker
But no, you're right. After this age, they can begin to get the concept of no or delayed gratification. And I really like that about using the physical games that they don't know they're playing games, but like red light, green light, they have to make themselves stop, you know, to to be able to play the game properly and just kind of learning these self control and like social cues. Yeah, those are great.
00:09:35
Speaker
Okay, seven to nine, so beginning grade school-ish, teach coping strategies. So we're going to talk a lot more about this in a minute, but these guys are more advanced. Brain development can not only understand what self-control is and learn it, but they can learn that maybe
00:09:52
Speaker
they're having a little bit of trouble with self-control and so they can start to learn coping strategies about what they need to do when they're feeling or noticing or it's being brought to their attention that they're out of control.
00:10:06
Speaker
And then, yeah, so at age 10 and beyond, we can help them set and reach goals based on their interests so they can understand their own selves, how they work and maybe levers that they use them. Well, I really want a bike and I know that I have to reach this goal of self-control before mom and dad are gonna help me get a bike. And so they can keep in their mind a goal like that and work toward it.
00:10:32
Speaker
Right. Because most adults don't struggle with screaming when it's inappropriate, just standing in line at the NVD. Well, that's not true. I was at the NVD today and I didn't want to scream. But I didn't do it because on this higher level,
00:10:47
Speaker
as an adult, I'm able to say, I have to sit here and wait in this annoying line for an hour and then I'll be able to go home and do the things that I want. Or I really want to buy this new thing. That means I have to say no to eating out a couple of times so that I can save money.
The Importance of Exercise for Impulse Control
00:11:00
Speaker
So we're gradually stretching that control of your impulses out longer and longer instead of just a screaming thing all of a sudden that's like, oh, this three month long goal. It's pretty cool how your brain works.
00:11:12
Speaker
Okay, so the first tips and tools we're going to give you are those that can be used ahead of time. So we're talking not when the kid is having a meltdown, right? Because most of us do... Okay, let's be honest. All of us do our best learning when we are calm and rational, right? So a few tips are teaching your child how to talk to him or herself. So this sounds a little crazy.
00:11:33
Speaker
But the research has shown, and we are going to refer to a couple of articles that I read while researching this episode. They're all linked in the show notes. If you want more information, they are fascinating articles. Go read them all. But research has shown that children who know how to talk to themselves, even if it's just internally in their brain, make better, more rational decisions. So they can sit there and say, I really want a cookie, and my mom told me not to. Well, I could, you know, they're weighing the pros and cons. I could go and steal the cookie. I could go and scream at her and tell her to give it to me.
00:12:00
Speaker
Or I could just wait until it's time for, you know, they're like thinking it through and processing. And that's really important for kids to be able to have that internal dialogue. Another one is to play memory games with your child. So the research has also shown that an enhanced memory lightens the cognitive load of the frontal cortex. So that's what does those, those executive function skills. And if there's too much going on in that frontal cortex, they melt down, right?
00:12:25
Speaker
But if you can help them with their memory, then some of that becomes kind of subconscious. They don't have to work so hard to remember that, and then they can focus on important things like staying calm. Pretty fascinating, huh? Oh, that is fascinating. And it makes me think about another advantage of all the poetry memorization that we include in our homeschool. It's just fascinating. I did want to just put a little plug in here that we gave to our Patreon followers, the Super Smart curriculum.
00:12:55
Speaker
And it has tons of poetry memorization built right in, and we did give them the free guide on all about poetry memorization, how to do it, benefits, and how we do it, and poems to memorize, and all that. So just a little plug there. Go check out that curriculum for our Patreon followers.
00:13:12
Speaker
Um, yeah, but that's, that's awesome. Building, building the brain and using memory, the memory part of the brain. Okay. Another thing that we can do ahead of time is get in a regular exercise routine for the kids, have them. Well, kids don't really need help exercising really, but what exercise does for them just so, so give them an opportunity to exercise and move their bodies and get flexibility and cardio and strength and all that.
00:13:40
Speaker
All right, so what exercise does is it creates dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which help all these issues. All those are things that really help with the impulse control. They're all like the happy hormones in your brain, right? Yes, exactly. And then we teach them that there are multiple ways to solve a problem. Talk them through several solutions before acting.
00:14:03
Speaker
Help them to think beyond just the action, but the consequence. And, you know, maybe, okay, so maybe if I do this thing instead of that thing, you know, work on problem solving a little bit. And then last of all, help them learn about themselves. Like, just when a kid can, it's just really empowering to kids to know more about themselves.
00:14:23
Speaker
When you bring it to their attention, for example, with my seven-year-old I was working the other day and I said, did you notice that he has a little bit of blood sugar issues? So did you notice that right before supper you get pretty whiny and really mad sometimes and pretty cranky and then after supper you feel just great? Well, that's because it's your blood sugar and you're just, it's not really your brain working right because it hasn't had food. So when you've noticed that you're feeling these things, just go grab yourself a piece of string cheese and eat it and that'll help you feel better.
00:14:52
Speaker
And it was just like light bulbs coming on for him. And he was giving him a little tool to be able to deal with and learn about this little part of himself. Oh, I love all those. Especially the idea of talking through a problem. One thing I've noticed in coaching, especially listening to public coaching calls where other people are getting coached,
00:15:12
Speaker
is how often the coach will say, okay, let's brainstorm all the solutions to this problem. And usually the person being coached has one possible solution and they can't think of anything else. And that solution is not an option, right? Like the only thing I can think is to divorce this guy. He's driving me crazy. Okay.
00:15:30
Speaker
but guaranteed there are 50 more solutions you could try. Throw them all out there, right? So even as adults, we get pigeonholed into this idea of, oh, there's no way out. And kids do the same thing. And they have way less experience than we do and way less rationale, right? So to help them figure through it, right? Or walk through it, figure it out. There's another way. There's another approach. I know we can find a solution. It's pretty powerful. Okay, so along these same lines, we can help our kids
00:15:57
Speaker
are struggling with their impulsivity, break down big projects into a step-by-step process. So one of my children, I have one child who really inspired this episode because she struggles a lot and it's really, really painful to watch her. And so I'm trying to gain all the skills I can to help her. But one of the things she really struggles with are big cleaning projects. So her and her sister's room will get really messy
00:16:20
Speaker
I'll say, okay, it's time to clean up the room. And she just walks in and melts down because she sees no way out of this huge mess, right? Whereas I, higher executive brain function, can say, well, first we're going to put all the clothes in one corner, and then we're going to put the books in one corner, and then we're going to take the books downstairs. And I can break it up really easily and quickly. She can't do that. And so for me to help her really helps her see some light at the end of the tunnel, oh, I just have to do this first. And maybe you even say, all we're going to do right now is separate the clothes from the books.
00:16:49
Speaker
Let's just separate them. That's all we're going to do. And when that's done, great. Yay. High five. Now we're going to take this pile and take it downstairs. Nobody do it, right? Instead of this huge mess of undertaking. We also like to establish specific rules ahead of time. This is so helpful for these kinds of kids, especially all kids, but especially those who struggle with this. Instead of saying, okay, you're going to go to a play date. Be good. That's really not specific and not helpful for kids who struggle with behavior issues. Saying things like, I want you to make sure to
00:17:19
Speaker
say please and thank you. Don't take anyone's toy without permission and let them know when you're feeling frustrated, right? You give them very specific tools for being good instead of just a general assumption that they know how to do that, right? I also ask my child to repeat what I'm telling her to do many, many times. So
00:17:39
Speaker
Um, she likes to kind of stare off in space and I'll say, okay, it's time to clean your room, get dressed and come down for breakfast. Okay. What did I say? And she has to repeat it. And then sometimes I even make her rephrase it because she'll repeat what I'm saying, but it's still not really sinking in.
00:17:51
Speaker
Um, and that can help her again, focus on one task at a time. Those are such good. Good. Those are such good options. Give them tools to give them. It really, really helps them. Um, I like to do that too with my kids, especially when I know I'm throwing a lot of things at them, like a set of three directions. Can you please tell me all three things that I told you because I don't want you to get two of them done and then come back and the third one's not done because you forgot.
00:18:16
Speaker
One thing we can do is we can communicate to siblings, neighbors, friends that this child might require extra patience. And what I love about phrasing it this way is that you're not asking people to just overlook what your kid is doing or just accept it. But give them extra time or extra patience to behave in the proper way that we all want them to behave.
00:18:42
Speaker
But that this kid is just going to need a little bit of extra time to be able to do what you're expecting them to do, that kind of thing. So, yeah, not like I'm totally not an advocate of saying, well, this is the way my child is. And that's the way it is. Just accept it. But just asking people to work with you on it.
00:19:00
Speaker
I think that's something we were talking about in our episode with Megan Gibson was just people learning to interact with her special needs daughter in the way that her special needs daughter needed to be interacted with and not
00:19:15
Speaker
not, you know, like talk to
Teaching Impulse Control: Community and Parental Roles
00:19:17
Speaker
the mom. What would she like ice cream or what kind of ice cream would she like? You know, I have a really awesome example of this. I have a neighbor, bless her heart has been really, really tried really, really hard to deal with my one child who has her impulse control issues.
00:19:31
Speaker
And she has asked me, okay, when she does something that's against our rules, what should I do? And I really appreciate that. And I've told her, absolutely, my child is required to obey the rules. If she screams, which she did, I hate you, to the neighbor, so sorry. Then you say, that language is not allowed in my house, you have to go home now. So she understands the consequence. But whereas another child might never be invited back if she said that, she's having a little bit more patience for this child who just spouts off things that she knows she shouldn't say.
00:19:56
Speaker
but there's still a consequence for her, right? And depending on the child's level of understanding, age, maturity that can be adapted. But to just be aware that this child needs a little bit more patience, I think that's a loving thing to do. Okay, another thing that I really like to do, a tool I like to give my kids is teach them self-discipline. And this is the way I phrase it to them. You can choose to discipline yourself
00:20:24
Speaker
or I'm gonna be required to discipline you. So we're not going into this situation or into this experience with no discipline. Someone is gonna choose the discipline in this situation. And I would love going into this situation if you choose to discipline yourself.
00:20:39
Speaker
Because then I don't have to. And that's showing that you're growing up and you're getting it. And then like in the situation, we're going to get to this during the outburst in a minute. But then in a situation, I can just give them a gentle reminder of what we talked about before.
00:20:55
Speaker
Ooh, are you remembering to discipline yourself, have self-discipline in the situation? And that kind of, you know, snaps them out of it or triggers it a little bit of a remembrance of what we talked about before going in. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to discipline myself so mom doesn't have to discipline me later.
00:21:11
Speaker
Oh, I'm so glad you brought up this word because here's a little side note about the word discipline. Have you noticed that when we say self-discipline, it's like this really positive thing. But when we say to discipline a child, it's this really negative thing. People think it means like you're going to go beat them with a belt. Discipline has never meant that. It is meant to train yourself or another to be in accordance with rules or regulations, right? So these are our family rules. If you choose not to govern yourself, then I will have to help govern you by giving consequences or whatever.
00:21:41
Speaker
So that's just a side note is that don't be afraid to use that word. I think it's gotten a really negative connotation when really it should be a good thing. It's that we're learning and teaching each other how to be in accordance with the rules that we have set up.
00:21:54
Speaker
Um, so a few more tips I have a structured schedule for all kids is important, but especially for these kiddos and lots and lots of consistency. So when our schedule changes, I have learned that there are a few children. It's usually the under five group and this one other daughter that struggles that need multiple warnings and heads up ahead of time. So let's say, for example, um, we have an appointment, a regular appointment, um, every week. And it's been at one o'clock for months and months and months. It recently changed to 11 o'clock.
00:22:22
Speaker
And I had to give, I forgot that I had to give lots of this warning and it was a big meltdown when it came time to leave and get ready at 11 instead of at one o'clock. Well, what's going on? What's going on? It's not one o'clock. Everything got thrown for a loop. And so I was reminded that I need to let this child know ahead of time when the plans have changed and then give her a five minute warning and then give her a two minute warning. So all the way up so she knows what's coming. And if she's really into something that she's working on, she can
00:22:51
Speaker
get into the position where she can transition her brain to do the thing that she needs to do. And then finally, a reward system works really well for kids that struggle with their impulsivity. So I read this example in one of these articles and I'm totally going to try it. I haven't tried it yet, but they suggested giving the child a set amount of quarters at the beginning of a week or a month. Probably a week is best because it's a short period of time. Here are eight quarters. You get to keep them at the end of the week if you don't lose them. And here's how you're going to lose them.
00:23:20
Speaker
Um, whatever they're struggling with a specific outburst or a specific name calling or hitting or whatever. Um, if you don't do those things, you get to keep all of them. And it's okay if they lose them all the first week, which is probably going to happen, right? Or almost all of them. Um, and then they get better from there. Like, Oh, you don't want to lose a quarter.
00:23:36
Speaker
you know, how should we say that instead of shut up, I hate you. What's a better word to use, right? So I thought that was really fantastic. You're not taking anything from them that doesn't, that they already own, but you're giving them this incentive to hold onto it by behaving a certain way. That's a really unique way of doing it. I want to go back for a second to what you were saying about the five minute and two minute warnings. I tell you what, that is so helpful to I think every child, not even, you know, does the ones with impulse control because
00:24:06
Speaker
Oh, I just like that. It gives them time to start thinking about it. And instead of we have to go right now, none of us do well with that. It's almost guaranteed to they, you say, we have to go right now. And they hear it's time for a meltdown. Oh yeah. So I have learned the power of say, given, giving five and two minute warnings. That's, that's a good one. Yeah, totally.
00:24:34
Speaker
Okay, so now we're going to move into a few tools that can be used both before an outburst and during one, before we get to the ones that are just for in the moment, right? Okay, so one of these is being a good role model. Don't we hate this one? When we talk about cell phone usage? Dammit yourself, right? Be a good role model.
00:24:54
Speaker
Some of my kids' most irritating behavior is like looking in a mirror. I'm like, why would you say that? Oh, yeah. Yep. You've heard that. Yep. I get it. Right? So I have really struggled with, number one, controlling my emotions, obviously. But when I do lose control, then communicating correctly about it. Right? For example, somebody breaks something.
00:25:15
Speaker
Who put that there? And I go on and on and then I say, wait a minute. You know what? I let myself lose control. I'm sorry about that. I should have just said, oops, it was an accident. Move on, right? I've also learned how to remember to appropriately attribute my emotions to myself. It's very easy when apologizing to a child to say, I'm sorry, I got mad. What you did really made me mad.
00:25:40
Speaker
which is not what we're supposed to be teaching, right? How about, I'm sorry I got angry. I let myself lose control, right? It's on me. The loss of control is on me. Because then you're modeling that their loss of control is on them. It's not on you or their sibling or anyone else. This is like higher level stuff, guys, but it's really, really important. Oh, it's so hard to take the blame though. I know. I'm always looking for somebody to blame. It's terrible.
00:26:05
Speaker
And then finally, we can teach them anger management skills. So these also can be used before you can practice them right when they're nice and calm and are so helpful in the moment. So things like controlling their breathing, some sort of action when you get that pent up anger or frustration, it can be helpful to just take laps around the house or go do some jumping jacks outside or hit a punching bag or whatever it takes.
00:26:27
Speaker
Um, I also read in one of these articles about creating a calm down kit and I'm totally going to try this. It could be anything from like those little popping things that are trending right now to like a, um, to a fidget spinner, to maybe a favorite blanket or a calming piece of fabric. Um, maybe something they can do with their hands. So lots of fun ideas out there. I'm totally going to try that. Yeah. Those are good. Good tips. Okay.
00:26:51
Speaker
Two that I've got for you are there are some essential oils that will really help a child calm down. And some of these are general, but some are pretty specific to your child. Like for example, lavender is one that will usually calm any child down. But some kids don't like the smell of lavender, so you can't use that one on them. So just like find out which ones your kids like and help them.
00:27:10
Speaker
one that we really like is called Cheer Up Buttercup, and it kind of helps a kid's mood elevate and kind of snaps them out of that. Because what essential oils do, and again, we want to have a whole episode on this, but just real quick, what essential oils do is they make a different part of your brain function. So the part that processes smell, right? And it kind of snaps them out of the whole
00:27:34
Speaker
behavior thing and gets a different part of the brain involved which kind of can just be the little bit of a nudge that they need. Okay, so another thing that we can also vouch for is a homeopathic blend called rescue remedy and it has some things in it like for example chamomile is one and but it just takes a second you know a couple seconds for it to dissolve under their tongue and get
00:27:55
Speaker
in their bloodstream and when they're having a meltdown. So sometimes kids just really can't calm themselves down and a little, um, homeopathic called rescue remedy can really, really help kids. Okay. Things to teach and help your kids with when control lapses. All right. Number one is a safety check. If you are on a bike ride and you tell them to switch to the other side of the road for something and they're having a temper tantrum about that safety is imperative at that point. Okay. So look around there's, you know,
00:28:25
Speaker
You're on a public road, whatever. Safety is the most important first. Right. Or like if a kid is fighting with another one and they're like at blows, that's when you intervene first, right? And then you can talk to them later. Sometimes it's necessary to shout or something because a kid is in danger. That's totally okay. That's the first thing to do.
00:28:45
Speaker
All right, number two is breathe. Breathe for you and your child. So like
Positive Parenting Techniques for Impulse Control
00:28:52
Speaker
one thing that I have taught some of my kids is
00:28:57
Speaker
like when they're having a hard time and they're getting, you know, kind of that almost starting to hyperventilate is drink air through a straw and that just kind of slows them down and they have to think about that a little bit and they have to, you know, kind of stop crying or screaming to think about drinking air through a straw. I had one daughter who was like deathly afraid of dogs and anytime she would see a dog, she would just like start having a panic attack and be like,
00:29:21
Speaker
drink through a straw, drink air through a straw, and she'd be like, you know, so it slows them down a little bit. Yeah, definitely. So that they can regroup, because you got to have oxygen in the brain. At this part of the intervention, you want to stay really positive. Well, we want to stay positive throughout it, but gentle, calm guidance helps these kids so much more than harsh criticism, right? It's so easy for us to get right in that chaos with them and just let our emotions go crazy as well. This is so tricky for me, especially with my one daughter.
00:29:52
Speaker
because her immediate reaction is just a blood curdling scream. And I'm like, oh, I have to work really hard on myself to not react immediately with, we do not yell like that, because I'm yelling back, right? But one thing I've noticed is that the quieter I get, the quicker she calms down. The other day we had a really interesting scenario and she was just losing it. And I could tell that, I mean, very often it masquerades as anger, her impulse control issues, but I could tell this time there was quite a bit of sadness under there.
00:30:20
Speaker
though she was still screaming. So I took her aside and I hugged her and I spoke very quietly, like way more quiet than I'm used to. And she calmed down almost instantly and gave me a hug. And she immediately went to feeling the feeling instead of lashing out. So that's the other thing is I've noticed that kids who struggle with impulse control a lot tend to have other delays. And so they're not understanding what kids are talking about or they're not fitting in with their peers or
00:30:44
Speaker
any number of things is frustrating them and they are lashing out. And so all you see is impulsivity, but really it's so much more underneath, right? So if we can stay calm and address those issues with them, they will open up to us a lot quicker. Yes. That is a tool I use with like my two to five year olds, the, you know, the kind of the screamers is if I whisper, they have to stop screaming to be able to hear what I'm saying. If they want to hear what you're saying. Okay. Number three is physical contact and
00:31:14
Speaker
I talked about this in our episode on temper tantrums, but in the actual like method that I use, but basically I get as much of my skin touching as much of their skin as I can. So I'll hold them on my lap. I'll put my arms touching their arms. I'll put my legs touching their legs and my face, my cheek next to their cheek and skin to skin contact is not only beneficial for babies. It's really beneficial for kids who are in the middle of a meltdown too.
00:31:41
Speaker
And then the second one physical contact with the earth, so I also talked about this I believe it was in our episode on temper tantrums about that the method that you can use you know name five things you can see four things you can hear and
00:31:55
Speaker
three things you could reach out and touch, two things you could taste and one thing you can smell. So just getting them, like using other parts of that brain and the physical contact, like take their socks and shoes off and have them touch the earth. If any of those are an option in the middle of the lapse of control. Yeah, screaming in the middle of Costco, maybe not always an option. But I love those tools. Yeah, I love those tools.
00:32:23
Speaker
One of the main benefits of that is that it distracts them from what upset them in the first place and they can just recenter, right? Instead of spewing their emotions everywhere. Okay. So number four, then you try to name what went wrong.
00:32:37
Speaker
And not like the actual action, like, well, your brother took your toy, that just kind of focuses on the problem, but rather label the feelings and the actions that they're experiencing, right? So sometimes I do this for myself first. I'll say, man, I really felt some anger and frustration when this plate broke. It's one of my favorites and I just let myself get upset, right? And then you can say, how are you feeling right now?
00:33:01
Speaker
And there's so much more than just happy, sad, right? You can help them explore the depths of their emotions. And then we remind them, feeling the feelings is always okay. Feelings are important and okay to feel. The destructive behavior that comes along with it, not okay. So how can we feel the feelings without getting destructive or being mean to others?
00:33:23
Speaker
Yes, we talked about this in our episode on kids that whine, whining kids, is that feelings are okay. The behavior that follows the feelings is maybe something we're trying to work with, but the feelings are okay, and that is such a relief to, well, most kids.
00:33:39
Speaker
Yeah. And most adults, many of us don't know that's okay. Yes. And then the next step, number five is you state the expected behavior. So you said what went wrong was you felt these feelings and you lashed out, right? You were feeling angry and you threw a block at your brother. What I expected you to do was to feel angry and to let him know, but to never throw a block, to never hit, to never cause harm to someone else. Do you see where things went wrong? Do you see where you broke a rule?
00:34:07
Speaker
Yes. One mantra that I have used with all my kids is use your words. You have words. You can talk. You have good words. You can talk really good. Use your words. Yep. And then finally, number six.
00:34:21
Speaker
Reach out and give them lots of physical connection, hugging, lots of love after this. Every correction should be preceded and followed up by lots and lots of connection and love. So they know that this is all out of love for them, that you care for them and you want to see them happy. You're not just punishing them because it's fun for you. You're seeing them suffer and you want to help them.
00:34:46
Speaker
Yeah, after all, isn't that like what we want when we're, when we've lost control or we've done something bad as we want to know that people still accept us and love us? Right. So I actually asked Bonnie to do the outline for this one and put this one together because I knew she would, it would be such an awesome episode if she did. And I have to tell you, I think that, well, if we were, well, if we were horses, Bonnie, I think you,
00:35:15
Speaker
would be more like an Arabian pear bread, high spirited, really fancy and fun. And I would be more like a draft horse and just kind of plodding along, getting a bunch of work done. So I think that's kind of reflected in our kids too. Like yours are pretty high spirited and you've had a lot of experience, but like that's pretty awesome too. Like there's some really amazing stuff that comes along with that.
00:35:44
Speaker
Well, I'll take that as a compliment. I don't know if it was one, but thank you.
Series Overview: Managing Negative Behaviors
00:35:49
Speaker
No, I think my final thoughts are that we just want to help our kids through this experience, through every experience. And that's why we're doing this whole series on different, maybe more negative behaviors that we have to help our kids learn how to deal with. So you can check out all those episodes that we're doing on this.
00:36:07
Speaker
Yeah, we want our kids to be liked and accepted and approved of in society. And part of that is teaching them to have, at least when they're around other people, societal expectations that they meet them, or at least they don't tell people they hate them as they're hitting them.
00:36:28
Speaker
My final thought, final tip I wanted to share is trying out a weighted blanket. So I think we've talked about this in a previous episode, but I bought one of these for one of my daughter, for this daughter a couple of years ago at Christmas time. And it is amazing what it does. It's almost like a hug and a blanket, right? I noticed when she was younger that she wouldn't go to sleep unless I was like laying on her.
00:36:49
Speaker
I had to like strap her down so that she'd finally calm her brain down and have to sleep. And this is, so this blanket has been helpful for her as well as I, we bought a couple of other ones for my younger kids who have trouble settling down. Um, and it keeps them into a, in a very deep sleep and it really helps them soothe themselves when maybe they've been sent to their room for acting out and they need to just calm down first. So they can cuddle under this blanket and it helps a lot. But yeah, you know, it's funny about the kids as we see these little personalities emerge, it's so delightful to learn who your children are.
00:37:19
Speaker
And also maddening as you think, oh man, I hope I never gave my parents this much grief. But that's our goal, right? Is to allow these personalities to develop, not to squash them and not to turn them into an automaton or this robot that we think they should be, but rather to help them develop in the most beautiful way possible, right? While still following the rules and trying to get along as best we can. So we hope that was helpful for you guys.
00:37:50
Speaker
Thanks for listening, friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode.
00:38:09
Speaker
Nor epinephrine. You put this word for me again because you can't say it. Here you go. Nor epinephrine. Nor epinephrine. Thank you. I always want to put the R with the E. Okay, let me start here.