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Dealing with Separation Anxiety {Episode 61}
91 Plays5 years ago
Having quiet, alone time is essential to every parent's sanity and happiness but what to do when you've got needy kids who won't let you leave? Today's episode is a deep dive on how to handle kids who tend to experience separation anxiety. It's developmentally appropriate for children to both miss mom AND to have time away from her, so spending time apart is essential for everyone's health!
Take a listen and then hop over on Instagram and let us know how YOU and your children cope with anxiety over being separated.
Recommendation:
Read this if you have concerns about an abnormal amount of separation anxiety
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Transcript
Introduction to Separation Anxiety
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, hey, hey everybody. Welcome back to Outnumber the Podcast. If there's anything that Audrey and I know, it's that taking care of yourself, making time for mom and time for mom and dad together is crucial to your sanity and happiness. But if there's another thing we know, it's how hard it can be to get yourself away from your kids. They need constant care and nourishment. They need their moms. So today we're going to be talking a little bit about how to make this happen in the form of overcoming separation anxiety.
00:00:26
Speaker
When your kids get stressed out, sometimes when even you get stressed out, because you're gonna leave your kids, there's a lot of things going on and there are a few tips that we can share with you to help you prepare for these times and help make this separation seamless for you and your kids, even the ones that seem to need a little bit of extra comfort and care. So take a listen to today's episode on separation anxiety.
00:00:51
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
Bonnie's Costco Story and Lessons on Preparedness
00:01:16
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome back to Outnumbered. We're on episode 61 and today we're talking about something that is a concern for every mom and every kid at some point and that's separation anxiety. So getting stressed out when you're gonna be separated from your kids. And I think that it really affects kids and it can sometimes affect moms too. So we're gonna be talking about that today.
00:01:37
Speaker
All right, I'm going to start us off with a little story about being separated from my kid. And I'm sure that many moms have a story like this that they could share or they can relate to. So mine's a little embarrassing because, well, here, I'll get into it. So my husband and I took our 10-year-old and
00:01:58
Speaker
the baby and we went we're going on a date night and so sometimes if it doesn't work out right kids older kids working and blah blah sometimes we take a babysitter along on our dates to help with the baby so first of all we went to Costco and then we're gonna go out to eat well at so at Costco I was sitting I was decided
00:02:18
Speaker
We weren't gonna all go in together, but I would come in later with the kids after I'd nursed the baby, just the situation of how it was gonna go. So my husband and the 10-year-old walked into Costco and she turned around and walked back out with the cards so that we could come in later together. Me and the kids, you have to have the card to get in. So as you all know, Costco parking lots are pretty big.
00:02:43
Speaker
And this child isn't particularly known for her attention to detail and paying attention. And she, so she got turned around and she turned the wrong way coming out of the door at Costco and was heading across the parking lot the other way. So after about six, seven minutes, I send my, after they left, I send my husband a text and I say, is the 10 year old still with you?
00:03:12
Speaker
And he sends back this panic text. No, is she not with you? And so we we both start sprinting around. Well, see, I'm in the car nursing the baby, so I pull him off and I get out of the car and I stand up
00:03:30
Speaker
on top of my car. And I'm looking around for my errant 10 year old walking around and my husband sprints from the very back of Costco out the door and he's looking around. And so I spot her and we get her collected back together. She was quite distraught and she was kind of upset and I said, well, what were you gonna do? And she said, well, I was just thinking about
00:03:57
Speaker
going back in and having somebody call, call you, call your cell phone. And I said, okay, and you know my cell phone number, right? And she says, yeah, yeah. And she quotes our zip code. I don't know if it was because she's was, you know, a little bit flustered or she didn't really know.
00:04:19
Speaker
my cell phone number, but it made me feel like kind of a bad mom. And so I came home and I wrote my husband and my, and our three teenagers that house cell phones, I wrote all our cell phone numbers on our chalkboard in
Understanding Separation Anxiety
00:04:34
Speaker
our home school room. And I said, anybody who can memorize these numbers gets a dollar per number they memorize. So that's what my kids right now is memorizing mom, dad, and three siblings cell phone numbers.
00:04:47
Speaker
So smart. Yeah. And when they get stressed out, like they're less likely to remember things anyway, right? And usually stressed out if they're separated from mom and dad, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I actually had to admit that I don't have my three teenagers' cell phone numbers memorized because I have a month speed dial and I just press a number
00:05:07
Speaker
or the contact, you click on their name. So I actually don't have my 3D Nudr cell phone numbers memorized. So I'm working on memorizing them along with my little kids. Yeah. Who needs to memorize numbers? You got a cell phone, right? Yeah, exactly. But I think I need to be as prepared as they are. Agreed. And that's pretty stressful, too, for a kid
00:05:31
Speaker
That's that old, right? You're thinking, oh my gosh, she's probably not gonna get lost in a parking lot like somebody snatched her or something, you know? So scary, so scary. Okay, so there you have it. Oh, I could tell another story about losing a kid just today, but it's full of stress when you get separated from a kid, even if it's planned and not a lost child or a wandering child. So I know most of us have probably had a child deal with some form of separation anxiety or another.
00:05:59
Speaker
Um, whether they're being left with a babysitter or at a daycare, going to school, going to church, a friend's house, sometimes their first nights away from their parents, whether they're three or 13 can be stressful. Um, when traveling, even with parents, because everything is new, you know, so they can get stressed out and not sleep as well. So lots of different scenarios that, uh, can cause a little bit of separation anxiety, but we're going to talk about them all today.
00:06:23
Speaker
And likewise, there's lots of reasons to help your kid overcome separation anxiety. It helps improve their self-esteem. It helps improve their confidence levels, feelings of independence. They don't have to rely on others for their happiness. It can kind of create their own.
00:06:40
Speaker
happiness with their own thing going on. And a side note, a certain amount of separation anxiety is completely normal and developmentally appropriate and completely expected. It's something that we need to help our kids learn how to work through.
00:06:57
Speaker
Yeah, I thought that was important to know that just because your child seems stressed out when you leave them with a babysitter doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. That's totally normal. In fact, it's actually part of their developmental process, as I was reading through this, is to feel a little clingy or a little nervous.
00:07:13
Speaker
In fact, it shows that they have a great bond with you and a good attachment with you. There are some serious disorders with kids who have had trauma in their life where they have some sort of attachment disorder. And oftentimes they don't have that same separation anxiety because they don't know what's coming to them. And so it's actually a good thing that your child gets nervous when they're separated from you. Oh, that's such a good point. I love that.
00:07:42
Speaker
So today we're gonna talk about a few ways to both prevent excessive separation anxiety and also help a child overcome it. So just a side note, there is a slight possibility that a child can suffer from a extreme version of this, just like there's normal anxiety before a test and extreme anxiety that requires medication and therapy. There's also an extreme separation anxiety that, again, often comes from some sort of trauma, neglect,
00:08:10
Speaker
or other mental illnesses or diseases. So just be aware of that, but you can look it up. We're going to include some resources at the end where if you think it's unusual and it's lasted for weeks and weeks and weeks and it's really affecting your child on a day-to-day basis, then that is a possibility, just FYI.
Tips for Managing Separation Anxiety
00:08:26
Speaker
Yeah, and if you do suspect that your kid has that, see that they get the necessary help that they need. All right, so if you know that you have an upcoming separation with your kids, impending, and who doesn't? We all have something come up. You can start by leaving your babies in the care of others occasionally. Both Bunny and I are stay-at-home moms, but our kids get watched by siblings and dad all the time.
00:08:54
Speaker
because we travel or because we have work hours or other things come up. So when you leave your babies in the care of somebody else, it's good for you to be refreshed and get some time by yourself. We've talked a lot about this in other episodes. It's good for the baby too, to learn how to be able to survive away from mom.
00:09:18
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. And I think both of us are considered more on the attachment side of things, like we baby wear and like to nurse for a long time, et cetera. But it's also very important to allow your child to gain that independence so that they don't get super stressed out when you do finally leave them for school or whatever it ends up being, right?
00:09:37
Speaker
So before I had big kids that could watch my littles, I would trade babysitting with friends and family members. And that would often prevent, at least I think, help prevent separation anxiety in my kids because they were used to being left with someone that wasn't mom. And it also is really helpful because it gives me a break. So I was thinking specifically about my extra cranky babies. I had one baby in particular that was really colicky. And so it was hard to find someone to watch him because he was a hard baby.
00:10:05
Speaker
Um, but it was extra essential because I was so overwhelmed with him. It was just like hour after hour of fussiness and trying to calm him and trying to, you know, figure out what was wrong. And so, um, I worked really hard to try to find ways for me to escape from my own sanity and then also to make him realize that I was always going to come back no matter, no matter what. Yeah, that is true. And that you could be refreshed when you came back to him.
00:10:30
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Be a better mom because I'm not so stressed out and overwhelmed hour after hour after hour. So our second tip is to start small. So if your kid is already exhibiting some sort of separation anxiety, let's say you really want to leave them at the daycare at the gym, but your kid won't even leave the room without you, right? So you start small. So for example, having, you know, sometimes it's dad, like you mentioned, sometimes,
00:10:57
Speaker
The kid is so attached to just mom because mom stays home with them that they don't even like being left alone with dad. So that's a great start. A great start is just leaving for like 15 minutes at a time. You know, having a neighbor watch them while you like go pick up a package or something super, super simple. So they realize, oh, I didn't even realize you were gone and now you're back.
00:11:18
Speaker
For me, I've realized that my kids that are on really good, consistent sleep schedules tend to have less separation anxiety. And I think it's because they know, oh, this is the time that I get separated from mom and I go to my own crib and I sleep there. And when I wake up, she's always there. So then when they become toddlers and sometimes resist naps or bedtime, it's just still a reinforcement of, oh, you just go down and you have your little rest. And then when you wake up, we're together again, we can play some more.
00:11:43
Speaker
All right, and as we talked about in our Working Mom episode, be there for the transitions, the really, really important times when they need you the most. When they wake up at bedtime, when they get home from daycare, school, friend's house, wherever they've been away, this goes a long way in helping assure kids that their parents are there for them. You're there at the most important times when they need you the most, and that's really big for them.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yes, totally. We talked about those transitions in that other episode. I feel like my kids hardly know if I'm home when they're busy playing or doing chores or school or whatever. It's those transition times when they really need to see me. So all of a sudden they get hungry for lunch and they're like, where's mom? I'm hungry. Or all of a sudden they're tired. It's like, oh, I need my mom. Put me to bed. So the schedule shifts and they realize, oh, I need to touch base with someone.
00:12:37
Speaker
And it's okay if it's a sitter or someone else, but especially bedtime and waking up time, I think are especially helpful for kids to see you and know that you're there for them. Our next tip, number four, is to be aware of special times in their life when the kids need you more.
00:12:54
Speaker
going back again to that survival times episode, things like illnesses. Everybody feels crappy when they're sick, right? And so they want their mom and dad there. Teething, other stressful periods of time in their life, like starting school or gosh, I don't know, anything that's out of the ordinary that makes them want to kind of check in with you to make sure things are okay. So when those kinds of things happen, to just be extra aware that you need to be giving them reassurance, right? So that that separation anxiety doesn't come up.
00:13:24
Speaker
Right, getting a new sibling is another time that kids kind of get clingy and need you and don't want to be separated from you because there's this new little creature, right?
00:13:34
Speaker
Totally, totally. Yeah. And then my kids have needier times like in the day if they're hungry, if they're tired like you were talking about a good sleep schedule. So if I can keep, if we can keep their needs met through the day and like you said on a sleep schedule that helps them also to be better prepared for transitions and for times when mom's not there.
Preparing Children for Separation
00:13:59
Speaker
Okay, number five is be aware that of children, certain children might need more careful handling when being left. Some kids are real happy, skip away from mom, never look back, and some need extra assurances. I know that I have said plenty of times to some of my kids,
00:14:18
Speaker
when I'm going out on date night with dad. I will come back. I will be back. And other kids, they don't even care. Like they don't even think that far ahead or they don't need that extra reassurance. But that has helped some of my maybe needier kids that mommy will come back.
00:14:39
Speaker
So yeah, I totally agree with that. For kids that are extra clingy, I think it's important to just be aware that they are different. Their personalities are different and that's okay, right? I'm kind of a very independent person that wants to try to teach my kids to be independent as well. And I've realized that some of them just don't have that personality. And to not push them when they're uncomfortable, it can make things worse, right? Yeah, that's right.
00:15:02
Speaker
So there are some kids that I've noticed that are especially clingy just with me and maybe just because I'm home with them during the day. So sometimes with them, I will start just leaving them with dad more often. I know it sounds silly because it's their dad.
00:15:15
Speaker
If they're just on me all the time, I'm like, you know what, mom has to go to the store. You're going to go play a game with dad. And they become comfortable with that. And then maybe we can graduate up to leaving them with a family member, you know, an aunt or a grandma for an hour or two, and then a little bit longer, and then maybe a sitter they're familiar with. And then you can graduate to something like a daycare at church or gym. But I think so many of us want to just, you know, run to the gym, drop a kid off in the daycare there and run off and never have problems. But if you've got a kid like that,
00:15:44
Speaker
That's kind of a recipe for disaster because they're just so uncomfortable. They don't know what to do and they tend to be really, really upset.
00:15:52
Speaker
So tip number six is to watch your own emotions and attitude. So I know that most of us miss our kids when we leave as well, but if we are weepy and talking about how much we're gonna miss our kids and oh, I just can't believe I'm gonna leave you for a day or something, that is not gonna help anyone, right? It's gonna make you more upset. It's gonna make your child more upset. And I think in my personal experience,
00:16:21
Speaker
in a normal scenario, this could be the most important factor in keeping a child's anxiety at bay is your own attitude. So something like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited I get to go on this trip. You guys are going to have so much fun with dad. I'm so jealous, right? Make it about them. Yeah, just keep yourself positive and upbeat about the whole scenario and they will take a cue from your attitude. Right, exactly. And I've also noticed, it's maybe a particular weakness in me that
00:16:49
Speaker
sometimes right at the moment of separation.
00:16:53
Speaker
when I've got a kid clinging to me, I feel like so impatient just to get them off of me and get started on my whatever I've got going on that I can also, I also need to be careful of my emotions of exasperation and impatience and frustration at those separation times as well. So those are some emotions I need to particularly watch myself for is not to
00:17:21
Speaker
Because then that makes it harder for them with the last thing that mom has expressed to them is frustration that they won't let go of her hand. That totally doesn't help them. I'm totally guilty of that too. And when it comes to trips that are longer than a day, I tend to get stressed out because I'm trying to pack and pull all these last minute things together, all the things that have to happen before mom leaves. And sometimes my kids might need a little extra cuddles and I'm just like,
00:17:47
Speaker
I have to do this and I have to do this. So I'm right there with you to try to, yeah, to try to just stay positive and kind about the whole thing. Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Okay. So tip number seven is give kids enough time to prepare for the separation. Now this is kind of a little bit tricky. You're going to have to find the proper amount of time for you and your specific kids. And that might even mean something I do often is tell older kids,
00:18:16
Speaker
before I tell younger kids about some event. And I'll say, you know what, guys, I want you to know about this so you can start preparing mentally and, you know, get stuff together, whatever. We're not going to tell the little kids until the day of or the day before. So you have to find, you know, with your kids ages and their personalities, what is the proper amount of time to to tell them?
00:18:38
Speaker
But then don't just spring it on them as you drive up to the library. Hey, you guys are going to go in here with your older sister for an hour and I'm going to go have coffee across the street. I mean, that is not enough time as well. So I find my kids do best if I give them, okay, in, it depends on the kid, but you could say, okay, tomorrow.
00:19:01
Speaker
such and such is going to happen or maybe they need more time or less time than that. And even, okay, at 3 o'clock and kids don't have a good sense of time, so in about an hour, this is going to happen. And just, you know you and you know your kids. And so find the proper amount of time that works for letting them know, even if it has to be different amount of times for different kids. Does that make sense?
00:19:27
Speaker
Yes, this is an excellent point that I didn't think about because my older kids, if I'm going somewhere, I want them to be aware and prepared way ahead of time because they're going to shoulder some of the responsibility of me being gone, right? My younger kids are just going to either stress out or be ridiculously excited and useless to me for the entire time. So if it's something exciting, they're like, is it now? Is it time now? Is it time now? Is it driving me crazy? If it's something a little bit scary, then
00:19:57
Speaker
then they lament and they cry and I don't want you to go. So yes, definitely, definitely experiment. You guys have probably all been in that situation where you're like, we're going to go to grandma's on Saturday. We're going to swim and have a barbecue and it's going to be really fun. And then for the next four and a half days, all anyone can talk about every minute of every hour is going to grandma's house. When is it Saturday? When is it Saturday? How many days on Saturday? And I say three more days. What's a day?
00:20:27
Speaker
Oh boy. And heaven forbid if plans change, then it's like, oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Forget it. So yeah, definitely. Each kid has their own perfect amount of time to prepare for things like this. And sometimes it's just trial and error as you figure it out. But that's an excellent point.
00:20:45
Speaker
Okay, so tip number eight, this goes along with watching our own emotions, is to tuck the separation up with excitement and happiness, you know? So it's very easy to focus on your own stress and anxiety over leaving your children, and, oh my gosh, I'm gonna miss you so much, and how am I gonna deal without you? Yeah, that's not helpful, because then the kids are like, mom's upset, I should be upset, how am I gonna deal without her,
Personal Experiences and Coping Strategies
00:21:08
Speaker
right? But instead to make it all about the fun things that are gonna happen, like, okay,
00:21:15
Speaker
This afternoon, mom has to go to a work meeting and you're going to get to stay with the neighbor kid who's so much fun. She's going to bring balloons to play with. You guys are going to have a snack with her. Maybe you can watch a TV show. Oh my gosh, I'm so jealous you get to have so much fun with so-and-so, right?
00:21:32
Speaker
That has worked so well for us. Sometimes it's hard for me because I want to tell them, oh, I'm going to miss you big hugs, especially on a longer trip. Especially the little ones. It's just not helpful for their own sense of stability. Yeah. You can talk about to your husband how much you're going to miss your kids, but just let the kids see the positive side of it, right?
00:21:53
Speaker
Right, or you can even say it when you get back, right? Oh, I'm so happy to be home. I missed you guys, you know. Right, afterwards, yeah. Okay, so number nine is, I found it helpful to give especially needy kids something of you to keep with them. So, I sew a lot for my kids. So, you know, for example, I might say if I was going to be away from them,
00:22:16
Speaker
for a day and say, why don't you wear that special shirt I made you? And then you can feel like I'm giving you a hug all day long when I'm with you. Or, you know, maybe you have a little, I don't know, fill in the blank, a little trinket or something that sits on your bedside table or something. And you can say, you know, whenever you think about mommy and you're feeling sad that you want to miss mommy or you're away from her, go give this little
00:22:42
Speaker
trinket, a hug, or whatever the thing might be, that you can take something of yours and give it to them. I actually read this study the other day that said that spouses, when they're separated, if they sleep in or with the other one's t-shirt, they sleep better at night. So hey, kids have something about missing you, and if they have something of yours with them, it can help them. I don't know, the smell, the sight, whatever can help them.
00:23:12
Speaker
So it's not just kids. That's crazy. Yeah. And then another thought is like you mentioned going to the gym daycare or something.
00:23:20
Speaker
If it's their very first time being separated, if they can have somebody familiar with them like a sibling, like, okay, you and your sister are going to go into the gym daycare while mommy goes and exercises, then at least they have their security sibling with them or something. So that's tip number nine. Give them a little something from you or someone to be with them.
00:23:43
Speaker
And that's why we had so many kids is we were just basically creating security blankets for each other. Now you know, secret's out. And finally, our last tip number 10 is to share your own experiences of discomfort with separation with your kids and how you dealt with it. So you can give an example. You know, I remember
00:24:03
Speaker
When I was about your age, my mom and dad went to the hospital to have my little sister and I was kind of scared. I didn't know what was going to happen and I didn't remember the last time a sibling had been born and we were staying with grandma and we never stayed with her before, that kind of thing.
00:24:18
Speaker
And so what I did was XYZ. I, you know, yeah, held onto mom's t-shirt or I, you know, said a prayer and I felt better or whatever. And then they know that it's not a weird, foolish thing to feel that way. They go, oh, everyone when they're little has these feelings of nervousness that mom and dad might not be coming back and it's going to be okay. They totally will. And it's normal. What I'm feeling is normal.
00:24:42
Speaker
Right, right, it totally validates their feelings and then moves them into solution space. Oh yeah, when mom felt like this, she, here's the solution. Yeah.
00:24:53
Speaker
So my final thoughts on this are, well, my first thought when Bonnie proposed this episode was, Bonnie, you and I are stay-at-home moms and we homeschool. We're hardly separate from our kids. How could we do an episode on this? We're not the experts on this, but we do have some experience and tips that we shared today. Every mom is not with their kid every hour of every day.
00:25:17
Speaker
And it's not healthy, I guess, for moms to be with their kids 100% of the time. We've talked about that a lot on the podcast. So instead of having these times, separation times, come up on us and be unprepared, I feel like it's always better to be prepared and to have some forethought on what you're going to do to help your kid get through
Addressing Mom Guilt and Closing Thoughts
00:25:38
Speaker
this time. So again, another episode where we want to help you be prepared.
00:25:44
Speaker
Yes, exactly. This can be a really, really anxiety inducing scenario for both mom and child. And we just want to let you guys know that you're not alone.
00:25:53
Speaker
We experience this a lot, and along with this comes momgill, and trust us, that is also normal, and we have an episode on that, so come back and listen to our episode on momgill. You are not a bad person for leaving your child, whether it be two hours at the daycare or two days or two weeks because you have to take a vacation with your husband because you forgot what he looked like. That is okay. It is okay to be separated from your child, and they will not
00:26:17
Speaker
turn into serial killers because you left them for a little while or whatever. They will not dissolve into screaming heaps forever and whatever. It's important that we get breaks from each other. We're families. We're not Siamese twins. We can be separated from each other and it can be better for everyone all around if we learn how to do so in a healthy manner. So hopefully this episode was really helpful for anyone who struggles with this anxiety.
00:26:43
Speaker
We are going to include one resource in the show notes today. It is a link to that real separation anxiety disorder that we talked about, which can be the result of trauma or just a really, really sensitive kid. So go ahead and read that in case you have any real concerns about what your child is going through.
00:27:16
Speaker
please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other moms find the podcast and receive the help that you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumberedthepodcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can always reach us at outnumberedthepodcast at gmail.com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
00:27:22
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in.