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31. Finding Your Own Inner Voice Of Wisdom- With Gail Gallagher
75 Plays5 years ago
Gail Gallagher is a Chicago-based improv music director, performer, teacher, songwriter, and composer whose lyric-driven songs reflect on the highs and lows of life with a witty and vulnerable twist.
Gail’s debut album Power of the Unnamed Passion (release date October 23, 2020) is a musical theatre folk rock journey about those moments in life when everything falls apart and you learn to make new meaning.
In this episode Gail shares her grief journey after her mom died of cancer, and the role composing music has played in her grieving process.
Contact Gail Gallagher
Website www.gailgallaghermusic.com
Bandcamp https://gailgallagher.bandcamp.com/album/power-of-the-unnamed-passion
instagram- www.instagram.com/sparklebardgail
Music: www.oneplanetmusic.com
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or for a grief coaching:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
IG: https://www.instagram.com/griefgratitudepodcast/
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Transcript
Introduction to Personal Wisdom and Support Community
00:00:01
Speaker
I think it's also important through this process was realizing that, A, and this is probably part of growing up, not one person, like there is no one person who can be your person.
00:00:15
Speaker
Like, not even like, your partner can be your person, but like, you've got to split up some of the duties and some of the nuances of things and like, you know, have a community and different people that you can lean on. But not only that, there's a process of learning to be your own voice of wisdom, which is sort of what I've been learning too.
Podcast Introduction: 'Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between'
00:00:40
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:04
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Gail Gallagher's Grief Journey Influencing Her Music
00:01:26
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode of Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between. Today I have Gail Gallagher on with us. She will be sharing her journey of grief and also a little about how she has incorporated that into her musical background that she has. So she'll be sharing a little bit more about it. So welcome Gail to this episode today. I'm so excited to have you.
00:01:56
Speaker
Thank you. Thanks for having me on. And if you hear us kind of being a little bit like, okay, let's do this again. This is like take four today because we've had internet problems. So we're trying again and hopefully you guys can listen to it, you know, flow properly and the sound will come out well. We're having some internet connection issues. So let's hope that this works. This fourth time's a charm.
00:02:21
Speaker
So Gail, share a little bit about your musical journey and your studies, and then we'll share a little bit more about your personal life.
Gail's Improv Theater and Teaching Philosophy
00:02:30
Speaker
All right. So as Kendra said, I'm Gail Gallagher. I am a Chicago-based musician, and I have been working in the Chicago improv scene for nearly a decade.
00:02:46
Speaker
And so I do a bunch of different things. I improvise on piano for improv groups. So we have groups that do full length improvised musicals on the spot, team of actors making up a musical, and then I accompany them.
00:03:05
Speaker
And I've also written for musical theater and sketch and all sorts of stuff in that world. I'm also a teacher and a lot of my philosophy of what I do is
00:03:24
Speaker
Really tuning into this like improvisational sensibility and going with the flow of whatever it is you're working on and just sort of saying yes to whatever shows up. And exploring in that realm.
Theater Backgrounds and Chicago's Improv Scene
00:03:42
Speaker
Yeah. And it was the first time I was hearing about improv musical theater because we connected in this matter that I'm in theater as well. I studied theater myself, but I had never heard of improv musical theater. And I was so intrigued when you shared that. So I learned something new myself. So thank you.
00:04:01
Speaker
Yeah, it's this whole world that like in a scene that really is unique to Chicago. So being a part of it as it has grown has been really cool. And that has also impacted how I operate as a songwriter.
Improv's Influence on Songwriting and Creativity
00:04:21
Speaker
As I've started to write original music, having that improv sensibility has really made it easy to just
00:04:27
Speaker
sort of hone what it is you're trying to say in the moment and do a bunch of different takes on different themes of songs and then sort of picking out the stuff that stands out. Yeah, so it's been very cool.
00:04:49
Speaker
That's
Family Artistic Heritage and Visual Songwriting
00:04:50
Speaker
great. Now, where did your interest for music come from in theater that you studied that? Who was the artist in your family? If there was an artist in the family, was that a gene that was passed down? Was it an interest that you had?
00:05:08
Speaker
So it's interesting. There are definitely a lot of visual artists, especially through my mom's side of the family. My great uncle, so my grandma's uncle,
00:05:23
Speaker
uh my great uncle was a actually a painter in chicago as was my great grandfather and they um my great uncle painted uh train posters uh in like the gosh it was like the 20s or whatever but you know those like art deco like see see america posters like in the sub i was gonna say like subways but you mean in the train the actual
00:05:47
Speaker
Like just, were these like, oh, actual train posters, the ones that you would just have like those black kind of frames on? Yeah, those like, see the world, you know, explore Yellowstone, it's the twenties and the worlds are fun, that kind of stuff. Yeah, his name was Leslie Reagan. And my great grandpa also was a painter for movies, for movie posters back when movie posters were hand painted.
00:06:16
Speaker
And then looking back at that side of the family, my grandma's a quilter, my mom was a quilter and had an artistic sensibility, but was also very analytical.
00:06:34
Speaker
And then meanwhile, on my dad's side, the family, we're all patrons of the arts. My grandparents were huge supporters of the arts in my hometown and I grew up going to the symphony.
00:06:51
Speaker
And yeah, just being involved with theater and all these things. So we didn't have anybody specifically who was quote, living the dream to look up to, but there's definitely a creative spark in the family.
00:07:09
Speaker
And you know, the aspect of that visual, like in your songs, cause I've heard two of them, they're very visual. Your songs are visual. So it's like an art piece, but in a music, you know what I mean? Like you can see the visualization of what that would look like even in a picture. You know what I mean? So it's like, you've kind of transposed that visual art to auditory art. I think that was like running in your family in a different way. Cause music is that everything is just so,
00:07:37
Speaker
Uh, artists, you know, the artistic anyway, right? All of these things, regardless of how it is expressed. So you do have that artistic gene for sure. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that. Yeah. Yeah. No, thank you for sharing that.
Family Dynamics and Mother's Passing
00:07:49
Speaker
Now tell me a little bit about then we're going to be talking about your mom. So if you want to share about you, your family dynamics just a little bit and then we'll go into your mom's passing and so forth. So I know it's kind of like going from something so witty and fun and talk about music and then all of a sudden going into this, but that is the topic of this.
00:08:15
Speaker
oh for sure of the podcast so that's why we're here today sharing a little bit about your family yeah so um goodness uh okay what do you want me to start okay so i know a little bit about it because we're a bunch of family because we already uh spoke prior to this interview so you are one of two children
00:08:39
Speaker
And you have, you have a brother. Let's see how much I remember of our interview. And so you did, you did not grow, you grew up in Iowa, but then moved to Chicago after having gone to school. Uh, but, uh, tell us then when you were in Chicago, then you're, uh, how often would you see your mom? If you want to tell a little bit about your relationship with your mom and, uh, and then we'll go from there. How about that?
00:09:06
Speaker
It's cracking open that book is a lot to start with. Um, no worries. So yes. Um, so I'm from Iowa originally. Um, and yes, I'm one of two kids. My parents divorced when I was in
00:09:20
Speaker
like fourth grade but they're they were very amicable towards each other they like ended up moving into houses like around the corner from each other um and uh and and so um but we always did like separate like vacation trips and the trip that we would always take with my mom would be to go out to Chicago every summer see some shows go to the art institute um make sure to eat at the burg off very important things
00:09:49
Speaker
And, um, she sort of showed me, she made sure that we knew our way around the city and that we could figure out how trains work. And we weren't afraid to do things that, did it catch my husband sneezing in the background? No, no, we didn't actually. So that was a good thing, right? Yeah, I just had this moment of, uh,
00:10:18
Speaker
Anyway, continuing on. Well, now we know she's married. Spoilers. So then you're talking about the city that your mom wanted you guys to be able to navigate the city.
00:10:38
Speaker
Absolutely. I knew even in high school that I wanted to move to Chicago after college. In my little teenage brain, the logic was go to college in Lincoln, Nebraska, which is larger than Waterloo, Iowa, and it was like a stepping stone to then moving to Chicago.
00:10:59
Speaker
So anyway, moved to Chicago and then my parents would come out to visit me a couple times a year. My mom would always come out like right around Christmas or Thanksgiving. And then when I first moved the city and wasn't able to rent cars, she would usually come out like the week before and then we drive me back home or, you know, we continued the ritual though of
00:11:28
Speaker
Going to the Art Institute, going to the Berghoff, you know, she'd come see my shows and it was this cool full circle thing of like, I live here now. Um, yeah.
00:11:40
Speaker
And yeah, good memory to have. Yeah. Good little, and I'm sure you'll pass down that tradition. If, you know, if you have ever have kids in your life and so forth, you probably will pass down that tradition as well. Since it was something so meaningful of that bond that you had with your mom. Yeah.
00:12:01
Speaker
Yeah. And, um, and it was funny. She also like made sure to have a pass to the art Institute, even though she didn't live in Chicago, she just liked having the membership and like having that, that option. Um, and yeah. And so it was just, it was very cool.
00:12:20
Speaker
So even if she, even if it costs less to buy it like one time for that one time, it's still better to have the past, like the yearly pass. Like was it that feeling of is that kind of what she was doing? Like those memberships that you maybe would be worth it if you were to go more than one time a year, but she just liked having it.
00:12:40
Speaker
Yeah, I think she just liked having it. And we did get to a point where I would just use her pass throughout the year. And then she could use it when she came out. And then they started cracking down on it. And I was like, no.
00:12:56
Speaker
Okay, so then your mom then tell me where were you living? Were you living in Chicago then when she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma? Were you already living in Chicago?
Balancing Life and Mother's Health Decline
00:13:12
Speaker
So she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma my senior year of high school. Oh in high school? Yeah so she was diagnosed that was 2005-2006 and that was and when I was a senior in high school she was going through the stem cell transplant and all of the stuff they're in
00:13:34
Speaker
And she was down in Iowa City at the hospital there and they had, you know, they're very particular about like immunity things, so visiting her was a whole to-do.
00:13:52
Speaker
And what I remember about that time was being solidly in that senior year mindset and people asking me if I was okay and me just being like, well, I'm convinced that she's invincible and this is just a thing we're doing. I don't think it ever processed that her dying was a possibility. And also senior year survival mode.
00:14:18
Speaker
Um, yeah, your focus was a different, you had a different focus in that moment. You were just kind of going through the moves of just like, okay, I'm graduating. Where am I going to college? Where am I? That the idea of seeing your mom's diagnosis as a reality of something that could go a different.
00:14:34
Speaker
way outcome, you know, was not really in your scope at that moment in time. Yeah. And so then she was in remission for most of my, you know, growing into adulthood. And we, you know, just sort of moved on. She retired.
00:14:53
Speaker
right when I moved to Chicago and, you know, life just sort of went. She had like assorted, you know, health things here and there with her body going on, but nothing like, you know, nothing necessarily with the multiple myeloma.
00:15:13
Speaker
Then in 2013, she started on chemo again and it started coming back. She was managing treatments with all of that. Then the summer of 2016, they determined that she needed to go in for another stem cell transplant.
00:15:40
Speaker
During that time, I was in Chicago. I was working part-time at a music school and freelancing it up. I had all of the gigs and I was super booked, living my best life. I definitely remember
00:16:03
Speaker
like just being almost in denial about it and being like so busy that I didn't want to like like I was I was overbooked I knew I should have probably dropped everything and gone home a few times and I did make some time to do that but like I was I was just like solidly in my zone because mom wanted wanted me to keep focused on what I was doing so anyway
00:16:30
Speaker
And to keep busy probably too. She probably wanted you to still keep doing what you were doing and not worry about her, right? Like she was basically, she was still being a mom even through her illness of making sure you were doing what you needed to do to kind of maybe even keep you distracted from what was going on back home.
00:16:53
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And she would say like, she would basically say like, so much of your job is about being focused and in the moment, and I don't want to take away from that. So, which is true with improv. I was kind of, I
00:17:10
Speaker
sort of I felt complex feelings about that because uh my ability to stay focused and in the moment is a core part of my survival strategy so I could I was convinced that I could have handled both realities you know but but who knows you know it is what it is uh anyway um
00:17:35
Speaker
So where are we at in the story? Yeah. So at what point did you go then? So we're in that summer of 2016. So at what point did you go then to spend some time with her?
00:17:49
Speaker
Okay. So, um, the first time I went out, um, when she was going through those treatments, um, was mother's day. It was right after mother's day and I called my mom and then I called my grandma and my grandma was like, she's not actually communicating how serious this is. And you should go out and like, just go out and, and make sure you visit. Well, you know, in case things do get bad and
00:18:18
Speaker
When you're, you know, then 89 year old grandma is like, Hey, this is bad. Uh, you get your, your happy self out to Iowa. So I went out and visited her, um, for a few, a few days. Um, Sam, Sam came out as well. And, uh, that's, that's my now husband then boyfriend.
00:18:43
Speaker
And we spent some time with her. Things were still pretty sound. We made our way back. And then
00:18:54
Speaker
Due to a series of misadventures that I will not go deep into after the stem cell treatment, there are a myriad of complications because the thing with multiple myeloma is the core part of the treatment kind of goes at your immune system. So all sorts of things can go wrong. And so
00:19:20
Speaker
That like it was like late July. Um, I got a call from my aunt that my mom was in the ICU and I promptly canceled all of the things that I had scheduled that weekend rented a car and and drove out to Iowa.
00:19:41
Speaker
And she ended up, we ended up having some time to like hang out and have her, like she got out of, she got off the vent, was conscious, we were hanging out. She was a little loopy on drugs, so that was fun. But we had a-
00:20:00
Speaker
Yeah, you said in our pre-interview that you had a good week being together and in the hospital, even though she was recovering, like that you had good memories of that visit. Oh, yeah.
Mother's 'Doomsday Book' and Funeral Preparations
00:20:12
Speaker
And she said she was seeing cat shadows, like the drugs had. She was hallucinating that cats were coming around the corner, which is like...
00:20:23
Speaker
it's a little creepy it's a little creepy but it also like she was a cat person so i was like okay um and we like uh she really wanted crepes from the local village and and so sam and i went out to get her uh crepes and sausages and sneak them in even though it was technically not what she was supposed to be having but she was done with the hospital food
00:20:45
Speaker
Yeah and and so we did stuff like that and my aunt and I were doing a little bit of recon on making sure we had like the power of attorney and all of that stuff lined up um and at one point mom was like
00:21:00
Speaker
Now I have no intention of dying, but I will be making a spreadsheet that will be on my computer. But like I said, I have no intention of dying. But I'm gonna work on the spreadsheet tonight. So it was just very frank.
00:21:16
Speaker
So yeah, she made that, yeah, you called it the doomsday book. Is that, that's what you called it. She had the doomsday book and then she just had, I forgot what she named the doc, but it was a very clearly labeled Excel spreadsheet on her desktop that had like, this is what I want for the funeral. This is what I want for like the important things that need to be divvied up. And a couple other notes about this, that, and the other thing.
00:21:41
Speaker
Um, I want to ask you, because even though that's like hard to know that your mom is making something like that, like a document to prepare, again, even though she was saying, even though I'm not going to die, but just know that I'm going to prepare it. You know, when she did a pass away, like, did you find that comforting to have exactly what she wanted? Like the fact that she had
00:22:03
Speaker
prepared this document she had this doomsday book like she called uh of her wishes did that bring you some sense of comfort i mean yeah it definitely
00:22:17
Speaker
It was this interesting thing where she had communicated about some of that in our late night talks, even when I would come home and visit. She made sure that I knew that there was a jump drive of all of her passwords in a lockbox at the bank.
00:22:41
Speaker
And, um, also on that jump drive was a fill-in-the-blank obit. So I just had to- What obit? Yeah, she wrote an obituary. She had the obituary all prepared. Yeah. And you just had to fill in the blank. Interesting. Like the date, like basically like this fill-in.
00:23:05
Speaker
So she was really prepared. Do you know how long she had written that? Do you think that even after her first diagnosis, like 10, what was it, 13 years before? Yeah, I actually, there was a time when, cause I have her computer and the, which someday maybe I'll go through and clear and deal with all those files, but I don't think that's gonna happen.
00:23:33
Speaker
But, but I on her computer. I did. There was some late night digging that happened after she passed and I found this doc where she had sort of written out her thoughts in case she had passed that first time.
00:23:50
Speaker
So. So she did think of her mortality then. Yeah. No, it's just, it's just interesting because, and we were talking about this, you and I, when we're talking, like it's something that we all know that we're going to die, right?
Discussing End-of-Life Wishes and Mortality
00:24:02
Speaker
That we all know that that is not something, but we just don't know the when.
00:24:06
Speaker
Yet again, we don't talk about it. We don't talk about the wishes sometimes with others in regular conversations. Sometimes those things only come up when we've been hit with a diagnosis or things like that, right? That then maybe, maybe, because even sometimes some people don't even want to talk about it even then because they feel
00:24:26
Speaker
that it may bring the person's emotions down if they're trying to focus on their healing and to talk about death or things like that can affect their process of healing, you know. I know that for us as a family that's something we kind of
00:24:41
Speaker
kind of were back and forth with when my mom was diagnosed but I think that it's just also so comforting at least when you were sharing this that to know that she had done this it took a little bit of the thinking from you guys as part you know to try to kind of figure out what it is she wanted you had that there and it's kind of like a gift to some extent because then you can end up focusing more on your emotions rather in all the
00:25:09
Speaker
little bits of pieces that you have to kind of figure out along the way. Make sense? Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah, so I think that your mom was really wise in doing that. I will take some notes and learn from her with that for sure.
00:25:27
Speaker
With, um, within her process, then how were you dealing with emotionally? Cause it was from her second, you know, this, I mean, this is a long process, right? So 2000, what was it again? 2000, her first diagnosis, 2003 diagnosis was 2006. And then, oh, 2006. Okay. And then it came back in 2013.
00:25:52
Speaker
2013 and then 2016 is when you were there, went for Mother's Day and all this. So how were you, aside from kind of keeping busy with your work and school, how were you processing the idea of your mom maybe going to die just before the actual happening?
Impact of Mother's Death on Ambitions and Focus
00:26:15
Speaker
How were you processing that as a young, you know, in your teens and then in your early twenties?
00:26:22
Speaker
Um, so I feel like looking back at the person I was, um, going from like my teenage years, um, to when mom passed, I think I all lived with the idea of it as an underlying anxiety that I don't think I ever really
00:26:52
Speaker
sat with in a meaningful way. I think if I actually looked at sort of my way of being in my like drive for things, I'm gonna use an analogy. How well do you know the musical Hamilton?
00:27:16
Speaker
I saw it. I haven't seen it on stage, but there's a, there's a, okay. So you, so you know, the, the, the basic archetypes and things. So yes.
00:27:24
Speaker
they're in in one of the documentaries um about Hamilton they talk about looking at it through the lens of grief and if you look at Hamilton's whole way of being of like writing like you're running out of time uh that is a hundred percent me um and so I think
00:27:47
Speaker
my response to that being an eventuality was very much based in trying to, well, I was also growing my career at that point. So I think it was like a combination of I am out in the world trying to prove that I can make a living in the arts and also wanting to make my mom proud. And
00:28:23
Speaker
big chaotic energy, trying to do all the things, way of being that I held. And it was also in conjunction with my teens and early twenties, so who's to say? But I think that particular anxiety and that particular stress was a wait for a very long time.
00:28:41
Speaker
Um, so there was a very
00:28:47
Speaker
And I think actually processing. And before my mom passed, my grandma Gallagher passed and my grandpa Gallagher passed within like a year of each other. My dad's side. Yeah. And so that was sort of the beginnings of getting comfortable with how grief works and how like
00:29:14
Speaker
Having a sense of like reverence and legacy and somewhat spooky moments where you feel a sense of somebody like that, like I had those moments with them passing that I also was able to like talk to my mom a little bit about.
00:29:34
Speaker
And so then when it came to my mom passing, it was this other, it was a different thing to process. Um, and part of that is, um, she was a little bit more skeptical spiritually than, than I am, or that my, my grandparents were, my grandparents were like super devout Catholics. So like, it's really easy to be like, yep, they're with the angels now. No, no big deal. You know?
00:30:02
Speaker
You can pray to Grandma as Jesus's personal secretary if you're into it. It's a lot more logical. Whereas with my mom, I don't know where she ended up finally standing with her spirituality, but
00:30:21
Speaker
We're UU, so Unitarian Universalist, which means that everyone has their own free search for truth and meaning. And it's okay if you only believe in God on Tuesdays, you know, like we're that church. And she was a lot more skeptical.
00:30:41
Speaker
When we had a UU chaplain come pray with us when we found out that we were moving mom into palliative care and there was this moment of, okay, it's one thing to theoretically believe in the God of many names, but it's another thing to
00:31:00
Speaker
reach out to all of the names of all of the gods for the very real process of seeing your mom's spirit into wherever it is that we go. As I was making sense of it all, after she passed, I had all of these moments of little signs and things.
00:31:29
Speaker
It was funny because anytime I had these moments of like noticing little signs and stuff, depending on the context, my mom would make a sarcastic comment about it or be like, yeah, okay, whatever.
00:31:45
Speaker
And the wildest sign story I have is that, so it was like a few days after she had passed, I was back in Chicago but before the funeral and I'm walking by the beach and on this bench there's this ratty piece of quilt and I'm on the phone with a friend while I'm on this beach walk and I say to my friend,
00:32:10
Speaker
uh she didn't believe in this stuff and now she's sending me quotes so for you you were right away you saw that as a sign did your friend like when you told her like that that represented for you that represented her what did your friend think of
00:32:25
Speaker
She thought it was very cool. And literally before this moment happened, I was talking to her about having this intense feeling of my mom's presence. And then I saw that piece of quilt on the bench. And then share the one that you read, the paper you saw while you were in the car. Yes, absolutely.
00:32:53
Speaker
So I had inherited my mom's car and I was cleaning it out. It was like a few months after she had passed and
00:33:02
Speaker
Here's the thing, we had all these conversations about the nature of spirituality and of God, and there's so many conversations that I wish we could have had. And I opened up the part where you keep the spare wheel and all the other junk that's underneath the trunk place.
00:33:24
Speaker
And I opened it up and there was this piece of paper that looked like it was taken off one of those like conference room like giant notepads. And written in the center of it, it said God equals creativity. And I was like,
00:33:44
Speaker
Okay. And it was very- She did believe in God. She did. She did. She did. I mean, well, and also on that sheet of paper where all these other theories, it looked like it was taken from a lecture at some like church class and like,
Spiritual Beliefs and Signs from Mother
00:34:04
Speaker
cause there were other theories on the sheet and other philosophers on the sheet, but the one that was face up was the one that said God equals creativity.
00:34:14
Speaker
Which is just so perfect, you know, being again, that you are this artist, your mom liked, you know, art and that that expression and that love for art for her was also a connection to, you know, the bigger, you know, source, you know, to source to God to whatever we want to call it without, without her probably necessarily calling it that. Yeah, absolutely. Right.
00:34:40
Speaker
Yeah, and it's so many things where I'm just like, no, I think she had a sense of it, but she refused to call it that, which is valid. I have a similar sensibility. And another thing, we did have conversations about what she believed in and what resonated with her.
00:35:07
Speaker
She, I remember her saying that what gives her meaning and what she is drawn towards is patterns and order and solving problems and and putting things together in different pieces and
00:35:23
Speaker
that came out in her quilting, as well as in her work as a database analysis for John Deere. And, and it, you know, it was, it was a core part of like, why she liked tech so much. Like she enjoyed being in tech support roles, because with computers, there's usually only like, there's, there is one clear answer that you can find, but people you can't.
00:35:49
Speaker
So she was like, I like computers. Cause there's usually one answer and maybe it's turning it off and on again. Like math. Yeah. Yeah. Like math too. Like, okay, if I do this, I get this. Like, I know that there's a way of problem solving and yeah. So her analytical and patterned mind was the way that she associated with the world. And so, um, so for you to find that, ask that little thing that kind of showed God equals creativity.
00:36:17
Speaker
Was that like, did that sound like something she was drawn to you think as well because she did have that creative mind with the arts and stuff with the quilting? Do you feel that that was actually what stood out to her even in that lecture?
00:36:35
Speaker
Yeah, I think this was something, yeah, that would make sense that that is what resonated with her. I also think that there's a certain agency in that belief because the creativity does, you know,
00:36:51
Speaker
I mean, it's coming from inside the house, you know, but it might have an influence from, you know, a higher power, like, but it also is this state of being that you can have ownership of. And I think that's probably part of why that gelled.
00:37:10
Speaker
She also, this is the other weird story I had for you within these different stories about her beliefs. At one point during a time when I assumed she was whacked out on chemo, she DMed me completely out of context on Facebook.
00:37:28
Speaker
Had messaged me and she just said, I have an idea for a lay led sermon because you you churches that we can totally preach if we want. I have an idea for a lay led sermon. If they're heating the secular call. If there is no God, then who's on the phone. I haven't gotten around to writing it yet.
00:37:53
Speaker
Did you ever tell your friend, the one that's your friend at the church, did you tell her about that? Did you show her that DM? I think I showed it to her at one point.
00:38:08
Speaker
And that would be a good, since your mom had the idea either for her or for her to come up with the sermon being in that theme. At least she's got the title for it.
00:38:23
Speaker
that your mom creatively wrote while on chemo meds. I honestly I that has influenced a lot of my journey and a lot of my art and there's definitely a doc on my computer uh entitled who's on the phone because I like tried to I tried to write it as like something because I could
00:38:46
Speaker
But it is a very curious thing and that sense of having a sense of something calling but you don't necessarily know what to name it has been a core part of my journey and like appears a lot in my writing as well. And so that's sort of, that's a theme I've been exploring a lot.
00:39:07
Speaker
Yeah. So yeah. So her, her little messages just resonate with you and they've influenced also just the way that you create. Now, how have, how have you then continued then this grief journey now? Um, so she passed away in August, 2016.
00:39:26
Speaker
Correct? Yes, correct.
Accepting Grief as Part of Life
00:39:28
Speaker
And tell a little bit about your, you and Sam driving what you get in the, I think it was during that time, I believe you shared the story with me about while you guys were in the car driving there and listening to
00:39:49
Speaker
Yeah. So, and this, this, we're going to go down the whole, the whole train of, of, of, of Sam stories. So, uh, Sam, my now husband, uh, Oh, that's a perfect, there we go. That's an awesome way. Here we go. Oh.
00:40:08
Speaker
Sam, Sam's in the picture now. So Sam, my now husband, was, so he had come out to Iowa a couple days after I went out when like mom was dying, more medical misadventures that ended up moving us to a different, a hospital in a different city. It was a whole thing. But anyway, so mom had passed and we were driving back to Iowa.
00:40:37
Speaker
And in my now new car, because I inherited my mom's car, so it was like, this is your car now. My now new old car. The new old car. My now new old car. Yeah, no, it was, which is sidebar a surreal moment. And she had actually kept me on her insurance that whole time, like that I didn't have a car, so I could just drive the car. So she thought of everything. But anyway.
00:41:04
Speaker
So we're driving back to Chicago. We are just like we've been feeling all the feelings for days with my family who are also feeling all the feelings.
00:41:19
Speaker
And we were listening to Hamilton. And it was during That Would Be Enough, which is the song with the look at where you are, look at where you started. You're lucky to be alive right now, like that whole thing. I totally misquoted that. But that's the consensus. And I look over at Sam, and he's crying. And then I start crying. And then I had this moment where I said,
00:41:48
Speaker
Well, I think after experiencing this, we are stuck together. Like, and I meant that in like, uh, this is it sort of way, not in a like, uh, well, guess we're stuck together, but in a, in a deep, meaningful, like, Hey, let's get married sort of way. But in, but also to have the common sense that this is a engaged to be engaged moment because we were going to need to process all of the things that just happened. But we, it was definitely the moment where we were like,
00:42:19
Speaker
okay uh this is a thing this is definitely a thing um and after we had that conversation the world turned upside down played so it was just like and we just like cackled um so then fast forward we're at the wake yeah your your life is a musical
00:42:44
Speaker
uh spoilers wait till you hear about the album but anyway uh yeah i definitely i i like when life has a soundtrack i love those moments so that's how i make sense the world but anyway uh so then fast forward to the wake um my aunt comes up to me and she brings me um this ring and she says this was your great grandmother's ring you should hold your mom would want you to have this
00:43:12
Speaker
and she like looks me dead in the eye and looks like Sam dead in the eye like just no subtlety whatsoever and I just go oh well that'll work and my uncle high fives me I definitely didn't say oh well that'll work there was definitely a swear in there uh but I said that and then my uncle high-fived me and then the ring lived in my jewelry box and I actually um
00:43:40
Speaker
had it in, I had a jewelry box that was my mom's that I basically sorted all of like the heirlooms into and so I kept the ring in the heirloom box and then figured when it was time for it to get mysteriously sized and hidden from me, Sam would know where it was.
00:44:04
Speaker
And mom really did get a chance to know Sam, and they got along really well. And in that super doc that she had written in the hospital, in the notes about how things should get distributed,
00:44:23
Speaker
She had written at the very bottom, let Sam go through the kitchen things and Sam's a professional cook. So that's part of the significance. But that was one of those moments where it was like The seal of approval.
00:44:39
Speaker
Yes, yes. She loved, she loved him and left him in the will, like in her doc or will doc, you know, document. She had included him in that and what she wanted all her things of the kitchen to do. She knew he would appreciate them. And, and, and that's awesome. And that does he, that he can't take a lot of the things that he take a lot of things from the kitchen.
00:45:03
Speaker
Yeah, it was all sort of a blur, but we definitely got some stuff. And then we got married, so then we got a bunch more stuff. On your wedding day, how was that day?
Navigating Wedding Planning Post Mother's Death
00:45:21
Speaker
Because this happened how long after your mom's passing that you guys got married?
00:45:26
Speaker
So we got married two years after my mom passed. So let's see. Because it was September 2018. So we just passed our two year anniversary. So that's great. Yeah. I have this cycle going with the theme of that underlying anxiety about the reality of mom passing.
00:45:55
Speaker
I have gotten wise and observed that a lot of times there are there are times when you get really stressed or hyper focused about a particular thing and then underneath it is grief.
00:46:09
Speaker
The planning process of the wedding was particularly stressful as trying to plan an event with all of your family and everyone you know is. But on the actual, so in the planning process, there were definitely moments where it was like,
00:46:34
Speaker
Oops, there's no mother of the bride. Guess I get to make all my own choices because there's so much like part of the wedding industrial complex, which is a whole other podcast, but part of the wedding industrial podcast complex. Wow. Complex. Complex. There we go.
00:46:54
Speaker
Um, is like how much the mother of the bride is in there. So that kind of got beaten over my head a little bit, including, um, there's, there's, there were some moments where people were. Yeah. Yeah. Like, um,
00:47:09
Speaker
But one thing I was able to do is sort of split the varying roles between friends and family. So like my friend Lindsay went with me to get to pick out my wedding dress after we watched hours of say yes to the dress for research purposes.
00:47:26
Speaker
um really really research there was wine and research it's important research because then i knew that i what what kind of dress i wanted yeah i got a princess dress i didn't know i wanted a princess dress
00:47:43
Speaker
But until you sign yes to the dress, we should put them in this in this podcast. I guess maybe I should maybe I should see if they want to like sponsor this podcast. And I'm like, this podcast is sponsored by yes to the dress. Say yes to the dress.
00:48:00
Speaker
Okay. So then you, you, you would designate it. I liked when you said that you designated different friends. You'd be like, okay, you're going to be my, this person. And this, so that was one of the things you did, but go ahead and share the part that Lindsay went with you with the dress shopping. And then afterwards I want to hear.
00:48:16
Speaker
the other designated rules that you did with your friends and family. So my friend Lindsay did the dress shopping with me and that was awesome. And she was the person who helped me find the dress. And honestly, taking one person is great. The thing we learned from our very important research is that when you have a whole committee voting on what you're going to wear, it's a mess.
00:48:40
Speaker
So it was good to just have someone who was very clear and direct, which is probably what my mom would have been like had she not made the thing herself. But, you know, it was very quilt dress, Gail. It would have been a quilt dress. It would have been more. I don't know. Who knows? Anyway.
00:49:00
Speaker
Uh, so got the dress. That was cool. And then, um, when we got flowers, my friend, my friend, Laura, uh, was like the consultant on flowers. And, um, so flower shop lady, um, uh, with the flower shop at the flower shop at the flower shop. Yeah. This part.
00:49:20
Speaker
yeah so we wandered into the flower shop and this woman and the woman running the flower shop said oh the mother of the bride isn't here or like just made an offhand comment like oh no mother of the bride like and just kind of a like a like i don't think she meant anything by it but i was just like
00:49:39
Speaker
My friend Laura will be here. And then later, well, first of all, she seemed also kind of, Sam was there as well. And she seemed kind of perplexed that Sam had more interest in flowers than I did. So that also blew her mind. So yay, role changing. But then there was a moment where we asked for a memorial flower. And so it was like,
00:50:04
Speaker
But it's good to know these little things of the awkward things that are heard in those moments because it's also a learning opportunity for us. Because even if we've had an experience of somebody dying, I'm sure we've all put our foot in our mouth in several occasions of things that
00:50:25
Speaker
You should have not said, right? And this is like this, this experience that you had at the flower shop was one of those that, yeah, she, if she would hear this, she probably.
00:50:37
Speaker
were to then, or she did realize that you said, cause you had the, you guys ordered the Memorial flower. So she probably like, Oh my gosh, I'll never say that comment again. Uh, if anybody comes in here without their, their mom to shop for her address. And so then, so she, so tell us the other designated things, uh, the other people, what roles did you designate because your mom was your friend, your mentor, your.
00:51:01
Speaker
You're everything right. She was the person you would go to for advice. Right. Yeah. So looking outside of, of the designations within the wedding, um, a lot of what I've, what I did after my mom passed and sort of the world I've been building for myself has been realizing that I have to split the role that my mom had amongst other people.
Becoming Own Voice of Wisdom Post Loss
00:51:22
Speaker
So there are like.
00:51:24
Speaker
people you can hire for things like my mom did my tax accounting and I finally just got an accountant who's great and I started working with a therapist and also like just occasional career coaches and stuff like that and sort of splitting you know and then I also um
00:51:44
Speaker
had my best friend Geneva is the friend that I reach out to as the mom call. And she knows she has that card. Oh yeah, she knows, yes. She knows she's the mom call. Yeah, she knows she has that role in your life.
00:52:04
Speaker
Yeah, no, like I, at one point I was on the phone with her and I was like, do you just want to be my mom call? Like you are the person that I call. And I mean, I know I'll call my grandma too. And there's like this, this, this bonus feature of, you know, still having her around and like having that, like that, that connection as well. But like Geneva, like, and I have a more similar like conversational base.
00:52:32
Speaker
And I think it's also important through this process was realizing that A, and this is probably part of growing up, not one person, like there is no one person who can be your person.
00:52:50
Speaker
Like not even like your, your partner can be your person, but like you're, you've got to split up some of the duties and some of the nuances of things and like, you know, have a community and different people that you can lean on. But not only that, there's a process of learning to be your own voice of wisdom, um, which is sort of what I've been learning too. Um, so not only was I designating, you know, finding people to,
00:53:22
Speaker
to sort of hold all those different roles that mom had. But as I was going through the grieving process and going through all this stuff with spirituality, there was a moment where I started to, over time, I'm starting to like recognize my inner voice of wisdom, all that good stuff.
00:53:42
Speaker
And it took a while for me to go that inner like like I kept wanting to interpret that inner voice of wisdom as my mom. And after a while I was like, no, that's you. You're wise. This is definitely stuff that comes from your mom, but that's you.
00:54:02
Speaker
And part of what I think I've learned is to also trust myself and guide myself more and be like, okay, well, I'm the adult in the room now. And yeah, and not necessarily leaning on like, there isn't one person who's going to tell me everything that I need to do.
00:54:29
Speaker
I am able to discern it for myself and I can definitely look to people as mentors and guidance. Like I have this committee as it were of friends and mentors, but like I'm in the director seat and that's been a huge part of the journey. That's awesome. And then Sam is what role does Sam play in your designated roles?
00:54:58
Speaker
I mean, he's he's he's main family. Here's the main, you know, rock. Yeah, the main rock. So yeah, it's like you're he's home. He's home. He's home. That that was definitely a thing that happened. That was that actually touched on a thought because for a very long time, too, mom was home and then that role shifted over to him.
00:55:25
Speaker
Yeah. Like you would associate, Oh, let's go back home. Or, you know, when you'd go visit your mom, like going, go visit, let's go visit home. But now home is you guys, you're him. Um, that is just so beautiful. And I really, I think that is a really wise, um,
00:55:45
Speaker
tool or advice, I think, for anybody who's had somebody pass away the aspect of making sure to talk to those around you and letting them know that they are going to kind of fill in this little portion of what you need. Because I think that if they know, like your friend Geneva, knowing that she's the mom call, then
00:56:07
Speaker
She knows when you, and you might say, Hey, by the way, I'm right now I'm using you as the mom call kind of thing. So she knows when she's maybe kind of doing more of that advice of motherly advice type of thing and not the friend advice, right? More of that kind of voice per se that you may need to hear at that moment. So I think that's really good advice. Now, what other tools did you use or have you used and keep on using in your journey? You mentioned you go have gone or go to therapy.
00:56:37
Speaker
How about in your art? How has that come up?
Songwriting as a Grief Process and Connection
00:56:44
Speaker
This whole process really started me into songwriting and not just songwriting for other people, but songwriting for myself. And I think that has been a huge part of the healing journey. So I
00:57:07
Speaker
And this is a wild thought, but in the midst of everything that was going on in those first few days after I lost my mom, in the back of my mind, I was like, well, shoot, I can be a writer now, because there's a lot of feelings happening. Because before that, I was like, oh, well, I got the job I want, and I have a nice partner. What am I going to write about? Women running around the woods? Everything's fine. So part of me was the slightly
00:57:36
Speaker
The artisty artist part of me. The sarcastic side of you. The sarcastic side that's also trying to see the light of things because that's how we do in my family. With humor. Yeah, and that's also a through line with my mom and something I inherited. But anyway, so I was like, hey, I'm gonna write some stuff.
00:57:58
Speaker
But I started doing different songwriting challenges and wrote a lot of songs that were just, you know, for me. And that's okay. And then over time I started
00:58:14
Speaker
Finding like going out to open mics and singing songs and figuring out who I am as an artist and Yeah, and kept growing and changing and healing and then writing songs while I was doing that and
00:58:31
Speaker
And it's interesting how the process of not only writing those songs, but continuing to sing those songs and perform them and share those experiences with other people has been its own journey.
00:58:50
Speaker
And yeah, and has helped me sort of process and sit with things. Now, it doesn't mean that the feelings are like, it doesn't mean I solved it, but it does mean I have encapsulated the grief in these different pieces of art. And that's cool.
00:59:15
Speaker
No, that is just so awesome because it's like you used the gifts you already had as the way to be able to have these cathartic experiences for your own grieving process, you know, the, the, you know, the
00:59:31
Speaker
writing the you know composing and being able to share that way not only to others but also again as you're singing them it's like a cathartic experience right for yourself because you're kind of living those emotions and evaluating the emotions you have and also maybe sitting with them and seeing like do I still even feel this way have I grown in my grief you know because we don't necessarily
00:59:58
Speaker
stay the same in our grief all the time like the emotions are always there but they kind of grow do you notice that sometimes like if there's certain times in which you sing it that maybe you're like oh wow like there's there's parts of this that still like hit me to the core and there's parts of this song that now i'm okay with like i can oh okay i kind of grown in that aspect of my grief do you notice that
01:00:19
Speaker
Yeah, I definitely think I noticed that. I think, well, especially my song, Giverny, which is the one that you listened to or mentioning earlier, that thing is a sometimes song, and it took me a while to realize it was a sometimes song, because it was also my first single, which was a choice that I probably wouldn't have made, but because it is a deeply personal grief song. Yeah.
01:00:45
Speaker
Right. You had to, you had to, cause it was part of your grief journey, regardless of whether it was the one that needed to be out for the public. It's the one that needed to be out. Oh yeah. And, and I think the act of putting it out there was important. I just didn't know how to market it because I was like, it's my first single. And people were like, why is it sad? And I'm like.
01:01:05
Speaker
And that was a whole thing. But if I had said, hey, this is a tribute to my mom very clearly and openly, great. But I don't think I was comfortable with saying that at that point, which is a whole thing. When you write deeply personal art is how do you share about it in a way that is a scar and not an open wound?
01:01:32
Speaker
and yeah that's a really good analogy what you're just saying because if it's an open wound you are still it's gonna hurt if something is said or expressed about that piece
01:01:47
Speaker
that really hits you to the core if the scar is still open. Yeah, and I think- If the scar is, sorry, the wound, sorry, if it's a wound and not a scar. Yeah, and that song sort of treads the line depending on the day. It's a powerful song. And I've had friends tell me like, that is a sometimes song. Like, they'll be like, I was working and this song came on and I did not want to listen to it because I did not want to go there. And I'm like, you know what? I respect that.
01:02:15
Speaker
You know, how cool is it to write art like that? But also it took me a while to recognize that song's power. So, so that's a cool thing. It's very visual. It's a very, that's the one I heard that I was like messaging back. I'm like, are you?
01:02:30
Speaker
Do you have a musical theater background? Because I'd only heard the song. I didn't know your background until I heard it. I'm like, I can see that. I mean, I see the storyline of the play, you know, the musical with that song, like a complete storyline. I mean,
01:02:47
Speaker
I see it. And I'm sure you're sorry, or you could write a play just around that song. For sure. So I really do see it and I will share that in the show notes as well so that people can can know what it is we're
01:03:03
Speaker
Is there something else you wanted to share, Gail, with your grieving process and the tools that you have used? Your music, of course, has been this huge vehicle for not only healing yourself, but also helping others as they're hearing these things. It can help them assess their own life and grief music is just so powerful. Is there something else you wanted to share that I did not ask or we did not touch upon?
01:03:32
Speaker
So I think one more thing in regards to grief that I think is incredibly important is that it is a constant process. There's a million metaphors that float around with how to describe it, but it is a mysterious thing. And I am the sort of person that
01:04:01
Speaker
tries to get an A in being human, you know, and I'm like trying to like be the Like feel like I've I've accomplished this and I've solved this problem and I'm you know, and like I don't necessarily Want to like like there's still a little bit of that like emotions are not necessarily weakness, but like There's there's still a little bit of negativity that I that I harbor towards that and over time
01:04:32
Speaker
And I think part of being an artist, you realize like, no, things are just gonna come in waves. Like it, grief just comes in waves. And you just like, there's a, I think Tara Brock uses it, but there's this metaphor of like, you know, sometimes grief is gonna come over for tea and you're gonna hang out and you're gonna drink your tea. And by tea, I mean, listen to a sad song and cry a little bit and just like do what you gotta do.
01:05:00
Speaker
And it's OK. When I was first processing things, I was talking to my minister friend, Eva, and she was like, there's a reason why people wore black armbands back in the day. It was to note that this person might be a little bit on edge because they're grieving. And I'm like, man.
01:05:28
Speaker
And I think it's also so important in this world that we're in right now is we're all living in different stages of grief. And that's also been part of, as I have been learning about my own grief and observing the world around me,
01:05:47
Speaker
it's just this fascinating thing where it's like oh man we all have a bunch of stuff we need to process and we should all like have like the option to have like black armbands or something that are like hey like don't mess with me like man we should bring that back or something like some sort of signal that's like
01:06:08
Speaker
I might be a little bit on edge. Like just went through something really hard. Yeah. And that, that, yeah. And that empathy would probably be more out there if people just knew. And that's the thing we should probably just treat everybody. Like we were saying, everybody's going through some level of grief. It might have been that somebody had lost, you know, their mom, but
01:06:29
Speaker
It could have been a change of jobs. It could have been losing their home. It could be all kinds of different aspects of grief. As you said, right now, everybody is experiencing some form of grief with what we're experiencing in the world right now with the pandemic and with other things that have come to light in this time.
01:06:52
Speaker
that yeah, we just have to have more empathy towards each other and always kind of be on, you know, on that. And that when you go to the store and if the lady or the clerk, you know, gentleman and whatever at a store does not treat you maybe as friendly or as much with a smile as you would have wished, just maybe think maybe they're just not having, they're maybe going through a hard day. They might've just found out the worst news in their life today, you know, like having that awareness.
01:07:19
Speaker
That is very nice. Thank you so much for sharing that. And then do you want to just kind of say where how people can find you? I'll make sure, of course, to add the websites on the link. But if you want to just kind of share that out loud as well before we close off. Absolutely. So my website is galegallaghermusic.com. My album Power of the Unnamed Passion is coming out October 23rd. And you can check out my website. We'll have all the information on that.
01:07:49
Speaker
I'm also on Instagram, Sparkle Bard Gale, and my Facebook artist page is Gale Gallagher Music. Yeah, and that is what I have going on. I'm creating music. I'm teaching lessons online. I'm, you know, just sharing my story, sharing my art, living the dream.
01:08:12
Speaker
Yeah, we'll be on the lookout for the next kind of Hamilton style musical of Giverny. I cannot pronounce that. Giverny, Giverny, Giverny. And my album, I really do. And my album, Power of the Undamed Passion is sort of the, Giverny is like a prequel to the album. The album. Okay.
01:08:32
Speaker
is 12 tracks sort of exploring the like the experience of healing and yeah and I want to do it as a solo show when the world opens up and we can do shows again so
01:08:50
Speaker
Yay, I'll have to go to Chicago to go see you on stage. That'd be amazing. When the world opens. Well, thank you once again. It's been a pleasure getting to know you. And even though we got to know each other through this journey of grief, it's been an honor to meet you, the artist, and you, Gail, the daughter of your mom's name. Oh, yeah. Janet Heiner's Gallagher. Janet.
01:09:18
Speaker
Janet and Janet's daughter. So thank you so much for sharing your journey. Thank you.
01:09:31
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
01:09:59
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.