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Love After Trauma: Healing From Toxic Relationships and Dating Again
16 Plays18 days ago
I read a Threads post asking people to share the romantic thing they've always wanted but never had. I went from "oh that's relatable" to "this got me right in the trauma and I need to stop reading before I cry." We're all apparently just very traumatized from past relationships - and dating after romantic trauma is a mindfuck.
Here's what we're exploring about love after trauma:
- The two paths after a toxic relationship: keep dating or pull back completely (why healing matters either way)
- Why healthy relationships can feel terrifying (the screaming goat is your trauma)
- How triggers are information from your body, not nuisances messing up your life
- Strategies for handling triggers in real-time (texting, dates, and reminding yourself you're safe)
- Why leaning on your trusted friends is essential when navigating dating again
From understanding that everything feels triggering when someone is genuinely kind to recognizing that you don't have to respond to texts immediately when you're triggered, this episode validates how tough dating after trauma really is. Your triggers aren't there to mess things up - they're providing information about what you need (slow down, get more info, or leave).
Subscribe. Share. Remember that dating after trauma is tough but not hopeless.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! How are you navigating dating after trauma? DM me on Instagram @YourCoachMari!
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Growing With Soul'
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello beautiful souls and welcome back to another episode of the Growing with Sol podcast where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:18
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:31
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everyone else first or battled self-doubt, you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process growing into yourself.
00:00:44
Speaker
So come grow with me.
Romantic Desires and Collective Trauma
00:00:47
Speaker
So we really are all just traumatized at this point. Let me explain. i recently was on threads and somebody had posted to like the general populace to share like that romantic thing they've always wanted, but have never had happened to them.
00:01:13
Speaker
And
00:01:17
Speaker
When I tell you that ah reading this, like just, oh my God. and So I went into this because just curious.
00:01:27
Speaker
I went into this just curious, you know, and I went from, oh, yeah, you know, that makes sense. That's a little relatable. i get it. Like, I would like that too. To like, oh, this is a little too relatable.
00:01:44
Speaker
to like, oh that that right there that somebody shared, it got me right in the trauma and I need to stop reading these before I cry. so I left that thread and continued on with my scrolling. But
00:02:01
Speaker
we are all apparently just very traumatized from our past relationships and in this day and age situationships. And it just, it really pointed out to me that dating after like romantic trauma, dating after toxic relationships,
00:02:19
Speaker
is definitely a mindfuck. And it is something that I had been thinking about, but then naturally given Valentine's Day and just everybody thinking about that for like the first half of February.
00:02:31
Speaker
and then also reading that thread recently, I was just like, hmm, this is really, really on my mind right now. So i want to get into it. i want to talk about dating after trauma, how we deal with it, what we can do when triggers come up and Yeah, so that we can have an overall more enjoyable dating experience.
Post-Trauma Reactions in Dating
00:02:55
Speaker
So let's get into it. So I've seen people deal with relationship trauma, like post said relationship in one of two ways.
00:03:07
Speaker
The first one, you immediately just keep trucking along and keep dating. And the other is you pull back. You just full stop. No more dating. no more people. Nothing.
00:03:21
Speaker
You're just look going to go back into my shell. And from what I'm seeing on the internet, that second one seems to be the more popular option nowadays.
00:03:33
Speaker
It seems like a lot of women specifically are making the conscious decision to just pull back and to no longer date. And it's women of all ages as well. I mean, i clearly I spend a lot of time on threads, but I'm also seeing like women who are older, who maybe like post-divorce are just choosing to no longer date after said divorce.
00:03:58
Speaker
And for so many, it's been years, it's been decades. So, and yes, it's all anecdotal, but given how often it is discussed, I think it's noteworthy.
00:04:11
Speaker
With these two modes of either just continuing to date or taking a timeout and pausing your dating altogether, one thing that definitely needs to be happening is healing.
Healing Through Therapy and Creativity
00:04:24
Speaker
So however you are choosing to continue moving about, dating and life afterwards, healing definitely needs to be taking place. Personally, i would not recommend jumping into another dating situation without processing your emotions and processing what you experienced in that toxic relationship.
00:04:47
Speaker
I think it would be very beneficial to just take, even if it's a little bit of time, to pause, reflect, and process. And the thing is like, if if you do want to continue dating or you happen to meet someone, like, I get it. Like, I've i've known people in my life as well who have done that, and it's worked out lovely for them.
00:05:09
Speaker
At the same time, As soon as we begin dating again, triggers will happen. but it's that's just That's just the nature of us, the nature of people. Something will happen that will be a trigger and then we're going to have to deal with it.
00:05:26
Speaker
It would be the healthy thing to deal with it at least. So whether or not you choose to continue dating or to pull back, once you do start dating again, the trigger will be there eventually. so What can we do to help us heal?
00:05:43
Speaker
Even if we continue to date or we choose to pull back, what are the steps that we can take to help us heal after a traumatic relationship or a just toxic relationship? We can get a coach.
00:05:55
Speaker
You can get a therapist. You can find creative outlets to help you process all the emotions. Somatic therapy is also phenomenal. Trauma being stored in the body. Somatic therapy being a phenomenal release of that trauma.
00:06:09
Speaker
And that's really just naming a few different strategies. There are plenty of other things that people can do as well. To give you a little bit of an example for myself, because I, as I've talked about on this podcast, and not quite a bit, but a bit, I have experienced emotional abuse. So for me, after leaving that relationship, what did I do in order to heal?
00:06:33
Speaker
I was very much one of the people who pulled back. I am extremely introverted as an individual. So my natural instinct is to not be around people.
00:06:44
Speaker
So when I experienced something traumatic and I was going through depression and all those things, they're very naturally pulling back and also isolating myself was just something that felt like the correct thing for me to do.
00:07:02
Speaker
With that being said, since I was also dealing with depression, dealing with CPTSD, because of, as a result of this traumatic relationship, I did quite a few different things in order to heal before dating again.
00:07:18
Speaker
First and foremost, I did do coaching. I also did somatic therapy. Again, trauma being stored in the body, somatic therapy being phenomenal for that.
00:07:29
Speaker
I, again, being the nerd that I am, did a ton of reading to further understand my experiences. And by no means am I talking about intellectually bypassing your emotions and your trauma. Like I am a huge proponent of feeling your feelings to process your feelings and not intellectualizing them.
00:07:54
Speaker
At the same time, part of me felt like Like there was something I didn't know and I needed to learn it. And I learned best by academia. so I read a lot about emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse and narcissism in general and like all that stuff. So I did a lot of reading about that to better understand my experiences and also a lot of reading around setting boundaries and being able to hold boundaries and things like that.
00:08:29
Speaker
I also got a dog, Mochi. As you all know, I've talked about him on the podcast.
Personal Growth in Dating After Trauma
00:08:34
Speaker
If you follow me on social media, you've seen Mochi. And he is the best thing to have ever happened in my entire life. And...
00:08:43
Speaker
<unk> I'm looking across the way because he's over there sleeping like a beautiful little baby angel. and he's the best thing ever on this entire planet. um So I got a dog as part of my healing journey. And overall, I just did a ton, a ton of inner work.
00:08:59
Speaker
It's a lot. And the process continues because as I'm going to get into it, you start dating. And oh my God, the triggers, commota rika they're there. So what are some of these challenges, these triggers and what have you that we're going to experience once we enter the dating pool again?
00:09:18
Speaker
Because for a lot of us, it's inevitable. i know there's so much talk on the internet about how like it's horrible, it's accessible, like there's no fish in the sea, there's a lot of garbage out there in the sea, like all those things. I know we talk about that a lot, whether it be on the internet or like with our girlfriends or just, you know, what have you.
00:09:39
Speaker
But eventually we reenter. A lot of us download the dating apps. And you know what? You know what? If you are at that stage where you are dating again and you are downloading the apps and you're going out there, kudos to you.
00:09:52
Speaker
Kudos to you because that in and of itself is a huge challenge. And you are being so brave by choosing to put yourself out there again.
00:10:04
Speaker
Because part of that is also knowing that you trust yourself enough to keep yourself safe this time around. That's huge. but But once we find a person to go out with and maybe you go on one two, maybe three dates, you're talking, you're texting, you're getting to know them and people are imperfect.
00:10:27
Speaker
So something might be said that is maybe misconstrued or maybe not misconstrued and its a little bit of triggering. It's triggering, you know, for whatever that might be for us. And At that point, even if it's not like, okay. feel like if you've experienced a traumatic relationship, like everything is triggering.
00:10:51
Speaker
It's like, this guy's so nice and he's so sweet. He's lying. thing Or like somebody does end up actually lying to you. and it's like, see, I told you. Like, you know, like, I don't know if you've, I've seen it on Instagram. There's this like video meme of, um,
00:11:06
Speaker
It's these dudes, they're like, I'm guessing on a farm and they're carrying these goats and the goats are screaming their heads off, right? Because these big dudes are carrying them and they're screaming.
00:11:17
Speaker
And like the little captions on the video are like, it's like me when I finally find a healthy man who wants to like love me and build a healthy relationship with me. Then like you're the goat screaming your head off.
Trust Issues and Humor in New Relationships
00:11:29
Speaker
And like, that's the trauma because you don't trust it. Like you don't trust that this person is actually genuinely a kind, healthy human being. It's like, are you actually kind or are you just trying to manipulate me and like use this as a manipulation tactic later on?
00:11:47
Speaker
That's the trauma. And it's triggering even when they're nice. So it can feel like a hot mess of a situation in your mind. And I get But... but The thing is, when it comes to that, which I'm going to get into it a little bit as well, like how do we deal with these things when they come up? and There are a myriad of ways, but I also want to talk about like other nuances as well when it comes to triggers, because Things like that, especially as, again, I mentioned, I've experienced emotional abuse. It's easy for me to pull from that because it's something I've directly experienced. But I recognize that there are other triggers and other things and other traumatic instances that people may have experienced that will get them to have more unique, nuanced triggers.
00:12:33
Speaker
And maybe they relate to communication, a lack of communication. maybe frequency, maybe it's a certain trait or quality that the person you are now dating has that it might be reminiscent of someone else or something else. And that in itself can be triggering, or maybe it just comes down to intimacy. And maybe we have some triggers around intimacy and they're all valid. That's the other thing as well that I think it's important to highlight is that when we have a trigger,
00:13:07
Speaker
It's not, it's not necessarily something to be viewed as, here's this trigger, it's annoying, this trauma is like messing up my life.
00:13:20
Speaker
It's more so your body reminding you that this is an instance where we need to pay attention. This is an instance where maybe we need to take things more slowly or we need to get more information or this is an instance where it's like this is now the time to leave.
00:13:43
Speaker
We are, like our triggers aren't there to be nuisances. Our triggers aren't there to mess things up for us. They are providing us with information.
00:13:54
Speaker
And it is due diligence. It is a form of self-love to take a time to pause and obsess, and not obsess, and um observe is what I wanted to say. It takes a time to pause and observe and assess what to do next.
00:14:12
Speaker
So.
Managing Triggers and Setting Boundaries
00:14:14
Speaker
Let's get into that part. How do we handle these challenges? Like I always say, and especially when I speak to my clients, I've said it here on the podcast as well. You know yourself best.
00:14:31
Speaker
And I know that like when I work with my clients, I am getting to know them. And yes, I have experience with previous clients. so I've seen how things can work out. But at the end of the day, you are the expert on you.
00:14:43
Speaker
So you might already have an idea of what might trigger you. You already know where you might need to set boundaries with new people.
00:14:58
Speaker
In those instances, You can prepare how to deal with maybe any emotions that might come up around a given situation or topic and how you want to communicate it. You can prepare for that. You can practice what you want to say, how you want to bring it up. um And that's, I think that's totally fair, totally valid. So you can prepare to a certain extent in these situations.
00:15:26
Speaker
Sometimes we don't really know what's going to trigger us. Or maybe we're just in a situation where we're not expecting the trigger to come up and then it does. You're out, it's dinner, you're talking and then boom, trigger. It's like, I'm just trying to eat this Thai food. Where is this trigger coming from? You know?
00:15:46
Speaker
You know what? That's fine. That's fine because we are not always in control of things. So this is bound to happen. And in these cases,
00:15:59
Speaker
it can be extremely helpful to remind yourself that you are now safe. You're dealing with a new person, a different person who isn't necessarily going to respond in the same way that that previous person who harmed you did.
00:16:15
Speaker
And you are able to, in this situation, communicate differently. You are able to set boundaries and it This new person isn't necessarily going to respond the same way that previous person did.
00:16:32
Speaker
You get to remind yourself in these situations that dating is a choice. Who you date is a choice. And if the person you are now going out with responds in a way that is not conducive to building a healthy partnership, you can leave.
00:16:51
Speaker
That's the beautiful thing. You never have to talk to that person again if they are disrespectful or if they just respond in a way that isn't going to be the best for you.
00:17:04
Speaker
Additionally, i do want to highlight that we are dating, we are getting to know someone. i feel like it kind of goes without saying, but again, one of the things that, depending on our previous experiences that can help in these situations is like,
00:17:18
Speaker
You're in a public space. You know, you're going on a date, maybe you're at a restaurant, maybe you're at a cafe, whatever it might be like you're in a public space. So ideally, the person isn't having like this huge crash out on you um after you express a boundary or what have you, but also...
00:17:36
Speaker
Even if they do have maybe an inkling of a reaction that's like, I don't know if this is going for me. You can be like, hey, this isn't going to work out for me anymore. you Got to go Juices. Not like that. Don't say it like that. But, um you know, you're doing your due diligence to keep yourself safe. And then on top of that, and doing your due diligence to keep yourself emotionally safe as well.
00:17:58
Speaker
When it comes to texting, that's the other thing that I think is really important nowadays as well, especially with using dating apps and all that. If you are triggered mid-conversation through like a text convo, it's important to remind yourself that you don't have to respond right away.
00:18:16
Speaker
For some of us, that might be like, duh. But for some of us that that's not duh. Some of us might have anxiety and be like, oh, need respond right away, notification, or like whatever whatever trauma we might have around that.
00:18:28
Speaker
And it is a way of practicing healthy communication to know that you don't have to respond right away. And it's a way of resetting yourself, that you don't have to respond right away just because somebody messaged you.
00:18:43
Speaker
And you can take that a step further when something triggers you and maybe you need to assess. Because again, from my own experience, there have been times where I'm having a text conversation, where I've had a text conversation and I'm like, okay, I'm triggered.
00:18:56
Speaker
I don't know if this is a valid reason to be upset Or I'm just triggered and I'm responding because of past trauma. Or this is just like my attachment style freaking out. Like, I don't know if it's one, two, or all three or not. I don't know. So it's it's okay to take some time to pause and to assess things out and just, you know, maybe talk to a friend.
00:19:23
Speaker
Maybe get, you know, talk to the council, the group chat, if need be and maybe get a little bit more perspective on the situation before responding. That's perfectly fine.
00:19:35
Speaker
So one of the main things that I did just touch on that I want to highlight in this situation when we are dating again is definitely lean on your friends and the people in your life that you truly love and trust the most. These are the people who are going to want the best for you.
00:19:53
Speaker
and these are the people who have maybe been there for you during your healing journey. And they've gotten to know you. They're aware of your triggers and what have you. And they can help you in these situations maybe you are being triggered, say like through a text conversation or something like that.
00:20:11
Speaker
These people that love you as well so much are going to be able to provide a valuable perspective. So lean on them.
Finding Joy and Support in Dating
00:20:20
Speaker
All in all, dating after trauma is so tough.
00:20:24
Speaker
But it isn't hopeless. And I want that to be the message here. Like it's tough, but it is not hopeless whatsoever. Remember to still have fun. As much as you might be looking for a long-term relationship, the process of dating itself still needs to be enjoyable.
00:20:43
Speaker
And really, if you're not having fun, then that person ain't the one. Okay. let's Let's remember that one. and At the same time, while we are dating, even if we've done a ton of healing already on our own individually in our little silo of not dating, perhaps, maybe you still need that extra support during the dating process and navigating the dating process after a traumatic or toxic relationship.
00:21:12
Speaker
If you stayed this far into the episode, I truly appreciate you. You are a real one. Thank you for tuning in today to the Growing With Soul podcast. If this episode resonated with you, definitely make sure to share it out so that other people can get this knowledge and be able to maybe resonate with it as well.
00:21:30
Speaker
Again, if you appreciated it, leave a review for the podcast because it helps get it out to even more people who need to hear this message. And if you are interested in working with me, I am accepting one-on-one clients and you can schedule your very own call with me through the show notes. Until next time, keep growing.