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14: Sister Talk
173 Plays3 years ago
How an intervention from my sister was a turning point in my healing journey with anxiety. Lots of laughs. A few tears. And always love with my sister, Sarah Rentfro.
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To learn more about the products Laura mentions in this episode, visit podcast sponsor, Cindy Jenks, an ambassador with QSciences at myqwellness.com or email her questions at [email protected].
Seeking The Still Website: Seekingthestill.com
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Seeking the Still'
00:00:01
Speaker
Seeking the Still is produced by Joe Devine Media. Welcome to the Seeking the Still podcast with me, your host, Laura Fleetwood.
00:00:14
Speaker
In this safe space, we come together to seek the still amid chaotic lives.
Embracing Realness and Imperfection
00:00:19
Speaker
To get honest about what overwhelms us, to become connected to one another and to the divine, to step into who we were created to be. Always real, never perfect, and forever on your side.
Discussing Generalized Anxiety Disorder
00:00:37
Speaker
Welcome to Seeking the Still, where we cover topics, all things, finding the stillness and the chaos of your life. This is episode 14 in season two, where I am talking to my loved ones about what it was like for them when I was going through a really dark time and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.
Q Sciences Sponsorship and Benefits
00:01:02
Speaker
Today, I'll be talking to my sister, Sarah. But before I introduce Sarah, I want to give a word of thanks
00:01:08
Speaker
to this season's sponsor, Cindy Jenks with Q Sciences. She is an ambassador with this amazing company. And the products that they offer have really improved my health. So I wanted to tell you a little bit again today about the products that I use and why I use them. I use the Q-Core supplements, which are a multivitamin, a probiotic, and anti-inflammatory blend.
00:01:38
Speaker
of supplements. Then I also use the fuse, which is hemp and CBD oil, and I use the drink packets.
00:01:49
Speaker
particularly the calm version, but there's also one for suppressing your appetite called Crave, and then there's another one for hydration. So these products are all customized and developed by a naturopath, and they're constantly being evolved and developed. My brain fog has all but gone using the Q-Core supplements, and I just am so thankful that I get to introduce you to them.
00:02:18
Speaker
and give you the opportunity to contact Cindy directly if you would like a free sample to try them out for yourself.
Sibling Dynamics and Shared Experiences
00:02:25
Speaker
You can contact her at Cindy at myqwellness.com or visit her website to learn all about the products at myqwellness.com. And by supporting her in her business, you're supporting
00:02:39
Speaker
seeking the still as well as helping yourself. And as we know, our body, mind, and spirit all work together. So anything we can do to use natural products to optimize our health is a good thing.
00:02:54
Speaker
Right now, I'd love to introduce you to my younger sister, Sarah. She is here with me in my kitchen. And this is actually the second time we're recording this podcast because the first time we got interrupted and went about our day and it didn't record.
00:03:11
Speaker
what we had already said. And I felt like we did a pretty good job that first time. I think we did, but maybe second time was a charm. Maybe, maybe. So anyway, Sarah lives right down the street from me. She's three and a half years younger than I am. I'm the oldest of four girls, so I have three sisters. And because Sarah lives so close, she kind of got a closer look, I guess, viewpoint
00:03:38
Speaker
for when I was going through all of the darkness in 2014.
00:03:43
Speaker
So as we get started, Sarah, maybe you could share a little bit about what is it like to have Laura as an older sister? Laura as an older sister. Well, you know, she is your older sister who like knows everything and can handle it all. And, you know, she was the one like when I didn't want to call and order the pizza, she would do it.
00:04:11
Speaker
When I don't know how to do something, she knows how. So I'm the one who doesn't really like to do things and she figures it out for me. When we were young, we would scream at each other and fight over clothes, which is so funny to think about now because
00:04:32
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We would never do that. I go in and get clothes from her all the time. And she doesn't care. She kind of likes it when she just sees me randomly and I'm wearing her clothes. And, you know, she's just the one to me who, you know,
00:04:49
Speaker
can just do it all. So when she wasn't able to do it all, I didn't really know what to do. And as we'll talk about, I was kind of in my own little fog at the same time. So it was really kind of difficult to be there for each other during that time.
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Um, but I love her very much and I'm very proud of, I'm like saying her, but I'm looking at her. We're, we're literally like six inches away from each other. Cause we're sharing the same microphone and I'm talking about her a little awkward, but that's okay. Um, but I'm, I'm really proud of you and I, I love what you've done and who you are and
00:05:37
Speaker
That's sweet. And I also love that you're still the one who will do the things when I don't want to. Most of the time, not always. Not always. So yes, in 2014, you were pregnant with your fourth child. Yes. And you had what was it called?
00:05:57
Speaker
Hyperemesis gravidarum. Such a weird word, but basically you were sick all the time, like incapacitated, nauseous, throwing up. Yes. So she was going through that when I was going through everything I was going
Anxiety Management and Intervention
00:06:14
Speaker
through. Gosh, our parents probably were at their wits end. I think they were probably like, these girls are not going to make it. I don't know.
00:06:22
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I'm just now realizing all of that was going on at the exact same time. And I think I was thinking about this. I was like, why don't I remember so much of it? And I think it's because I was just trying to survive at the same time that you were just trying to survive. I think I first heard about, I think you probably texted
00:06:46
Speaker
a bunch of us, I think there was probably like a group said and you were like, hey, I've got this stuff going on. But we didn't know like that had never really come up for any of us before. Right. And so it was just very foreign. And I don't know, I don't think any of us really knew. And now I know
00:07:09
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like looking at you or looking at someone who is having anxiety, you don't know. It's not like an obvious sickness. You can't tell. And so it's just really hard to know what to do or how to support them. And like I said, you know, I was just trying to make it day by day, but I do remember that the night you had told us that the night of the auction, you know, you weren't going to go. And then mom and dad,
00:07:39
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made me go, got a dress for you. And then I remember you showing us the picture of you and Justin from that night and you looked fine and happy, but you were just on the inside, just not even making it. So yeah, that was rough. And then how long after that was that you went to the hospital? It was a few months. It was that summer.
00:08:08
Speaker
And yeah, so I did get treatment and started some medications and dealt with the diagnosis for about a year. And by then Rosa was born. And I remember when you were really sick, you had to do something. Maybe you had to go to a doctor's appointment or something. And you asked me to come over.
00:08:31
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with the two younger ones. And I remember laying in their playroom like on my back just on a pillow. And they're just playing around. And now I'm realizing that that's all I could do was lay on the floor and be kind of an alive body there. And you were probably doing the same thing with them that like they that was not strange to them at all. I mean, for four months, I would get up to like,
00:08:56
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throw some food on the table for them, you know, and then go lay back down. So they didn't, I'm sure that they did not think that was strange at all. And sometimes I still do that. I lay on the couch all day and occasionally get up to throw food at them. I don't have to do that now. I choose to. That's a little bit about me, but. Oh, well, I remember when Rosa was born, she was a crying baby and she was like,
00:09:25
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scream at the top of her lungs. And so you'd call me over to give her a break or whatever to give you a break. And I would cry and she would cry. And so I don't know, I feel like me and Rosa just had this little bond because we both were a mess. So these two little blondes in the rocker, you know, just crying our minds out. But anyway, so that that year you were busy with, you know, a new baby and all of that. And I was kind of going through the motions of
00:09:55
Speaker
doing the next thing, but then the following year, you kind of had an intervention with me. I did. And there were, I think it was before that, there's one time that really sticks out to me and it actually happened like right here where we are sitting. I came over for something and you were standing here in the kitchen and I said, how's it going? And you were like, it's not good. It's not good.
00:10:24
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And I gave you a hug and I wouldn't have known it looking at you, but I gave you a hug and you were like vibrating. Yeah. Like your whole body was just shaking, shaking, shaking. And I was like, Oh man. You know, like.
00:10:41
Speaker
And you were just living with that for a year for a year or more than a year. Yes. Yeah. Every time someone would hug me, they'd be like, why are you shaking? Like this is my daily, like I had that much anxiety all the time. It was, it was so crazy. Um, so yeah, after about a year, I had had enough and I remember texting you saying,
00:11:05
Speaker
You can't do this anymore. You need to come over. The girls were somewhere. So I was here with Justin and you came over. Yep. I came over and you were laying in the living room faced like flat on the floor, like face into the carpet. And Justin and I were like, okay, let's do this. And it came up that
00:11:30
Speaker
You know, like you still weren't sleeping and you said, you know, I have these, sometimes I have these thoughts in the middle of the night and I, you know, I have all this medication and things that I've tried and I, you know, I'm worried that like in the darkness of the night, sometime I'm going to do something. I'm going to do something bad.
00:11:49
Speaker
And so we said, okay, I'm going to take all of the medication. You go find everything, like go through every drawer, you know, like everything you don't need right now. And so you went and got it all and it was boxes, like it was a mound, boxes full of stuff that you had seen and tried and you had done all the things. And so we boxed all that up.
00:12:19
Speaker
And I was going to take it home. Um, and then also you had been all doing all the Googling for a year. Probably it was the Googling that led to all the buying. It was for sure. In the boxes. And it came up that, you know, you were just like, I can't do this anymore. So we, we cut off your Googling. I don't remember exactly how we did that, but you, we were like, you just need to stop.
00:12:44
Speaker
Yeah. I think it was like, if you feel like you want to Google something, you know, text me or whatever. And I think I did pretty well, but I know I did sneak some good things. Oh, I'm sure you did. Justin was supposed to like watch me, but you know, I'm an adult. He's not around me 24 seven, but I did put, I remember you said, put an auto respond on your email. So I didn't check my personal email. I was kind of like just away from technology, away from,
00:13:12
Speaker
the control. I feel like that is what that intervention was about. Like, Laura, stop trying to control how this is going to get resolved. You just need to let go, be still, and see what happens. And that's when the miracle happened that I got into a new psychiatrist
00:13:33
Speaker
And she was like, you have got to get on an antidepressant. And she was right. But I don't think I didn't want to get on one. Like that was the last thing I wanted to do. And I think had I not had that intervention from you guys where it was like, okay, you're not going to control.
00:13:51
Speaker
your healing. I don't think I would have even stuck with it because going on the antidepressant was really hard. I had a lot of side effects initially, but that was, you know, I couldn't do anything because I had promised you guys, yep, I'm just gonna
00:14:07
Speaker
Yeah, so we took away all the supplements and all the crazy stuff to try. We cut off your Googling and your email. We decided that I would bring over meals a few times a week, I don't know, for like a month or so, I don't remember, just so that you didn't... And why is it always like trying to cook a meal?
00:14:30
Speaker
It's like the hardest even just in my regular day. I know when you're not struggling with anxiety, but just like having to cook food for people is just and you like to cook. I don't even like to cook. I did then and then I did it and now I kind of do a little bit again. I don't know. It goes in waves, but
00:14:53
Speaker
When I interviewed Audrey two weeks ago, she said she really didn't remember anything except for the fact that I didn't cook dinner. I was like, why is it always about the dinner? She was so upset because I didn't cook dinner.
00:15:18
Speaker
So you providing dinners for a month probably wasn't even anything that anybody liked. You know, oh my gosh. Oh, Audrey. Oh, no, that's like our worst nightmare. Come true. Like, we're hoping they don't remember that we didn't cook for them. But no, no.
00:15:36
Speaker
So I'm like crying and I'm laughing so hard because I was so surprised that that's what She didn't notice that I was you know not because I thought oh they were so worried about me and you know I was ruining their lives and all she remembers is that she'd be like Oh my gosh
00:16:00
Speaker
Okay. Well, it's all about the food. Yeah, it's all about the food. Always all about the food. Yeah. But that was really helpful because it was practical things that when you're in that kind of state of anxiety, you're so overwhelmed that I wouldn't have thought to not Google or to get rid of all the supplements or
00:16:21
Speaker
to ask someone to cook for me. And you took all those supplements and hid them in your basement. I did. They were in my basement. I think you came over for one thing. At some point, you were like, I need
Learning Empathy and Support
00:16:35
Speaker
this. One bottle of something out of the hundreds. Think of all the money I spent on that kind of stuff. That's what we do.
00:16:42
Speaker
And then a couple years ago, I had a big purge and I rented a dumpster and like threw out everything in my house. And I think, well, maybe I, I don't know what I did with it. I don't know if I threw it out, if I didn't throw it out. I think you're supposed to flush it or something. I don't know.
00:16:55
Speaker
I don't think you're supposed to flush it. You're not supposed to flush it. No, that goes into our drinking water. Oh, okay. So I didn't flush it. I was thinking, okay, I didn't flush the bills. You took it to one of the places where you're supposed to properly dispose of it. I'm sure that's what I did. It didn't go in the dumpster.
00:17:17
Speaker
Oh my gosh. So anyway, you never needed any of that. And yeah, that was, and I hate that you had to ask for help. I said this in the podcast that we recorded earlier, that like I was not a worrier and I just like,
00:17:38
Speaker
And one of those like, everything will be okay. You know, kinds of people, I'm a nine. And, you know, and you're my big sister who like figures stuff out. So I think I was always just like, she'll be okay, you know. But then you asked for help and we did it. You know, we did what you needed at that time. And I'm sure that there were a hundred times that you needed help that I wasn't there.
00:18:07
Speaker
But that one time I was. Yeah. That was a big turning point. Yeah. And that's when you got the miracle miracle doctor and started on your antidepressants. And there've been so many ups and downs since then, but I feel like that was a turning point. It really was. It really was. And since then you've had a few like
00:18:29
Speaker
experiences with anxiety that I have, um, which I wouldn't have known what it was if I hadn't kind of been with you through your journey. So I told you about that hug that I had with you in the kitchen and you were just shaking, shaking. And I was like, wow.
00:18:46
Speaker
Um, okay. That's, that's something. And then there was another time that we went to the movies and we were driving home afterwards. And, um, you know, I think we were, I said, like, how'd you like the movie? And you were like, I don't know. I was having panic panic attacks the whole time.
00:19:03
Speaker
And I had no idea. It looks to me like you were just sitting there watching the movie. And so it's so hard to know even what the person is talking about. You don't even know. And then, I think it was three summers ago maybe, I started, I don't know, feeling shaky.
00:19:31
Speaker
um, racing heart, um, during the day and also like waking up sometimes at night with like this racing heart and, um, and I would, the weirdest thing is that my pinkies were numb, you know, like you dig into them with your nails and I was like, what's going on? Um, and then I knew from you
00:19:57
Speaker
that those were all symptoms of anxiety, which for me is strange because like I said, I'm not a worrier. And so it's interesting, like when you think anxiety, you think, well, you're worrying, you know, like your brain's racing a mile a minute and you're worried about all these things. And for me, that's not what it was at all. Like I wasn't worried in my head about anything. I was just having these symptoms. Yeah, physical symptoms. Yes, physical symptoms. And so I talked to you about it and you kind of, you know,
00:20:26
Speaker
helped me through it. I probably had, I don't know, four or five two week episodes of those or so in the last few years. Thankfully it does never get, you know, it doesn't last. It kind of fades away and it doesn't get too severe, but definitely in the middle of it,
00:20:52
Speaker
you're like, oh my gosh, what if this doesn't stop? And for you, like it had been a year. And so I just had like the tiniest glimpse.
00:21:02
Speaker
of this, like, you know, you, you know, you need to eat, but you can't, you don't want to, you just don't want to eat. And it's just this feeling of wrongness. Yeah. Like there's something wrong, even though there's nothing, there's nothing wrong going on around you. It's like in your body, like something is wrong. And so it was never really bad for me, but I knew then,
00:21:33
Speaker
that that's what you had been dealing with, even worse than that, for years. And so just blah. Yeah. Yeah. Have fun. And I remember we were... And I don't even think it was during one of my instances of dealing with it, but we went to a concert. Oh, yeah. What was it? King and country. King and country. We went to a concert.
00:21:59
Speaker
And the music is just super loud and it just kind of reverberates through your body. And just the way that it was making my heart palpitate, the noise and the music, I was having a flashback of a panic attack because it was making my heart do the same thing. And I was like, I have to go. Yeah.
00:22:23
Speaker
I can't sit here. It's going to make me... And it turned into a kind of a panic. Yeah, it did. And you were like, okay, let's go. We left an intermission because I was like, I don't like this feeling at all. I know what this is like and I don't want to do it. And you were like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, that's kind of the PTSD of anxiety. For me, it's when I get sick.
00:22:49
Speaker
when I get sick, it brings it all back. And that's why another thing Audrey said, she's like, I know, yeah, I see you roll your eyes at me when I get sick. Because she's like, Yeah, I just I know it's just your anxiety. But like, you think, you know that you're dying. Because same thing, like it kicks off this fight or flight response in my body, because it reminds me of how I felt. So it's a real thing. And
00:23:15
Speaker
for some people it's a memory. For some people it's like a smell or a certain song or it can be anything and your unconscious mind, your subconscious mind just reacts to that without you even realizing it and it kicks you into the surge of adrenaline. So strange. Yeah. So now whenever those symptoms start to creep up for me, I'm like,
00:23:41
Speaker
Well, can't fill my pinkies again. And you're like, oh man. And the last time you said, I forget what you said. You said, just, just keep doing the things that bring you joy. Yeah. And now it's like, okay. You know, and for me, you know, it just kind of fades away. I don't know what brings it up or I have no idea. I don't really do anything about it except lay around even more than I usually do. Um,
00:24:10
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's just a body thing. I don't know. It's a weird mind body thing that happens to some of us. But it's good to know what it is. And your pinky's going numb. That's because you're in fight or flight mode and all of your blood is rushing to your organs to protect because your body thinks that something's wrong. And so I don't know when there's nothing wrong. Right.
00:24:40
Speaker
So I don't know. Pinkies are numb. Pinkies are numb. Here we go. I remember you, we were at Messiah and you came up to me and you're like, my pinkies are numb. I was like, I know what that is. I know. You just go, oh man. We're such a mess. Oh, the joys. The joys. Yeah.
00:25:05
Speaker
Well, what would you say to other people who have somebody who's going through anxiety? Like any words of advice or? Just that it's real. You can't understand it. You might not even be able to see it. You know, you might think just get up and like live your life, but it's so real. It's not that easy.
00:25:35
Speaker
Um, you know, it's not something that you can just be like hyped up about. Um, so just believe, let them, let them tell you how they really feel and believe them and just be by their side through it. Like you can't really do anything, which stinks, you know, like.
00:26:00
Speaker
if someone's sick, you go to the doctor with them and you could do that. You could go to their doctor with them, but it's not as simple as let's go to the doctor and find out what this is and they'll give you an antibiotic and it'll be done. So just, yeah, just believing, I think just believing them. That's huge because it is an invisible suffering.
00:26:28
Speaker
you may see like the symptoms of it, like you may see them laying in bed or starting to avoid things or cancel plans at the last minute, but you don't see outwardly the physical impact.
Future Initiatives and Opportunities
00:26:42
Speaker
I mean, I remember looking in the mirror during a panic attack and I'm like,
00:26:47
Speaker
I just look so normal. Nobody would ever know how much effort it's taking me just to walk out the door or just to go downstairs and say, I'm going to work, feeling like this. And at some point though, you have to. I mean, you can't just give up on your life. So you make yourself do all the things, but it's hard. It is. So that's huge.
00:27:12
Speaker
Well, there are two things that I'd like to end with, two exciting things that are coming up for Seeking the Still. The first has to do with the season sponsor, the Q Sciences supplements. So I know we were talking about supplements and how, you know, you read something online and you buy it and they don't work or whatever. What I love about Q Sciences is that they're all like proprietary blends of all of the things. So like, I would go out, I would hear, oh, okay,
00:27:42
Speaker
L-theanine is good for anxiety, so I would go out and buy pure L-theanine and take that. Well, I didn't know what dosage to take or what to take it with, so my supplements now have that in there, but it's blended with other things by a naturopath that
00:28:00
Speaker
make them more effective. So that is what I love about Q Sciences. And I'm actually loving it so much. I'm thinking about becoming an ambassador with them. So that's something I'm praying about. The second thing is that Seeking the Still is going to start offering live guided prayer and meditation on Sunday evenings at 8 p.m.
00:28:26
Speaker
So you could go to facebook.com slash seek this still and there's an event there. On Sundays, there's something known as the Sunday scaries. It's a phenomenon where our anxiety level increases throughout the day on Sunday because subconsciously we're starting to think about the stress of Monday morning. And so I am going to be doing some live sessions with
00:28:50
Speaker
music and guided prayer and meditations where you can pop on with me and we're going to slay the Sunday Scaries that way. So first one is June 6th and after that they will be every week. You can go to Facebook slash seek the still and sign up for them there. So I'm super excited about that. That's very exciting. I just get so much satisfaction out of leading guided prayer. It's something I've been doing
00:29:19
Speaker
probably for a couple months now and also doing custom meditations for people. And it probably is one of the things that brings me most joy. So excited to share that with other people. Anything you want to add to our conversation? I don't think so.
00:29:35
Speaker
Okay, good. Yeah, we are today planning a sister trip somewhere really special with all four of our sisters. So we're like all excited that that'll be coming up. You can follow me on Instagram if you want all the details as they unravel and follow Sarah to although you might be private now I am probably right now plus I'm taking a break. Gotcha.
00:29:56
Speaker
So don't follow Sarah, but you can follow me at Seeking the Still. And yeah, that's it. So we hope that you have an amazing week and until we meet again, be still.