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12: Is My Anxiety Ruining My Kids? (My Daughters Perspective)
180 Plays3 years ago
So many times I feared that my struggle with anxiety was hurting my daughters in ways that they would never recover from. In this episode I ask my teenage daughter to share her side of the story. Audrey's honest insight and reflection are so helpful for parents and kids who struggle with perfectionism and anxiety.
To learn more about the products Laura mentions in this episode, visit podcast sponsor, Cindy Jenks, an ambassador with QSciences at myqwellness.com or email her questions at cindy@myqwellness.com.
Seeking The Still Website: Seekingthestill.com
Seeking The Still Instagram: Instagram.com/seekingthestill
Seeking The Still Facebook: Facebook.com/seekthestill
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Transcript
Introduction to Seeking the Still
00:00:01
Speaker
Seeking the Still is produced by Jill Devine Media. Welcome to the Seeking the Still podcast with me, your host, Laura Fleetwood.
00:00:14
Speaker
In this safe space, we come together to seek the still amid chaotic lives. To get honest about what overwhelms us, to become connected to one another and to the divine. Just step into who we were created to be. Always real, never perfect, and forever on your side.
Interviewing Loved Ones About Anxiety
00:00:38
Speaker
Welcome to Seeking the Still, episode 12, season two. During this season of Seeking the Still, I have been interviewing important people in my life, loved ones who walked with me through a season of intense anxiety back in 2014. They saw the worst of me.
00:01:00
Speaker
And yet they loved me still. So during this season, I'm asking them the hard questions about what it was like and what they learned and what advice they would have for others who are walking with a loved one through a similar situation. But before we get into today's interview with my daughter, Audrey.
Sponsor Segment: Q Sciences
00:01:19
Speaker
I wanted to take a moment to thank our season sponsor, Cindy Jenks, who is an ambassador with Q Sciences, and tell you a little bit about one of her products that has made a really important difference in my life. Q Sciences is a wellness company that offers natural supplements and hemp supplements as well, full spectrum.
00:01:46
Speaker
And one of the products that I have really enjoyed is their twist drink. So twist is a powder that you add to your water and there's three different kinds of twist. There's a crave, which helps curb your appetite. There's a hydrate, which restores all of the important nutrients in your body for hydration.
00:02:10
Speaker
then there's one called calm. It's a peach lemonade flavor and it supports stress relief. Now this little packet that I add to my water is delicious and it truly does bring a sense of calm, emotional calm and
00:02:28
Speaker
and physical calm. It's great to drink right before bed or even any time during the day when you're feeling a little bit stressed out. It tastes really, really good. It is delicious and it just really does bring you a sense of calm. Now, Cindy would love to give you a free sample.
00:02:51
Speaker
of this drink and let you see for yourself the difference that it can make in your life. So all you have to do is email her at Cindy at myqwellness.com.
Audrey's Perspective on Laura's Anxiety
00:03:04
Speaker
Let her know that Laura sent you and that you would like to try one of the twist drinks and she will get that in the mail to you as soon as possible. You can check out all of the products that she offers
00:03:18
Speaker
at myqwellness.com. And I know that Cindy would love to answer any questions that you have and let you try any of the products so that you can see for yourself the difference that they can make in your life as you seek the still.
00:03:33
Speaker
And now it is my great honor to introduce you to my oldest daughter, Audrey. We're going to have a frank and honest conversation now about what it was like for her to see me go through that difficult season. And I have to tell you that as a mom, I worried and stressed and cried so much, worrying that what I was going through was negatively impacting my girls.
00:04:01
Speaker
So I am excited today to hear her side of the story and to see what she learned, what she thinks about it, and what advice she would give to other children whose parents are walking through a difficult time. Here is Audrey.
00:04:17
Speaker
Audrey, I am so excited that you are here with me on the podcast. I know that I had to twist your arm a little bit. My daughter Audrey is 16 years old and she's just thrilled about talking to you all about this. She really is in her heart, I know.
00:04:35
Speaker
Anyway, at the time that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, you were 10 years old. So that is really hard to believe. It's been a journey, I know. And today, Audrey, I just want to ask you to be totally honest and truthful. This is the total truth zone.
00:04:56
Speaker
I just want to get your insight into what it was like to see me go through that season. And then we'll talk a little bit about maybe some things that you have learned through my experience and maybe some advice that you would have for other kids. We'll see how it goes.
00:05:14
Speaker
All right. So what do you remember about 2014 when I started having all of these physical symptoms of anxiety?
00:05:26
Speaker
Um, honestly, I don't really remember that much about it. I didn't really notice that anything was wrong. Um, you were just sick a lot. Like I noticed you having like a cold symptoms or you just would always say you weren't feeling well. And then I really didn't watch you go through it because you were really just in your room for most of what I remember. Like I remember.
00:05:51
Speaker
When like our grandparents would come stay with us like we would be down playing games at the kitchen table or whatever and I would be like oh when's mom gonna come make dinner like that was always my thing every night like I wanted you to make me dinner and You were just always up in your room, and I was like where's mom? So that's yeah, I really don't remember that much about it
00:06:13
Speaker
So that's so interesting because in my mind, as I'm up in my room kind of hiding away and trying to get a hold of my emotions and my anxiety, I'm thinking, I'm ruining my girl's life. They're so worried about me and they don't know what's going on. And what if this traumatizes them for the rest of
Teaching Emotional Expression
00:06:36
Speaker
their life? And for you, it really wasn't
00:06:39
Speaker
that traumatic it sounds like it was just kind of like i was not around as much maybe do you remember when i told you that i was dealing with anxiety remember anything about that conversation.
00:06:55
Speaker
Um, I remember you sitting us down. We were all in the living room and you were like, I don't remember exactly what you said, but you told us that you were sick and that you were, you had anxiety. And of course we asked what's anxiety. Like, what is that? You were like, I'm just, I get really worried. And I had experienced some minor things of anxiety like that. And so you were kind of like, you know, when your stomach gets upset and you're worried at night or
00:07:25
Speaker
You just get really sad about something. It's kind of like that. I just feel it all the time and You really didn't go into much detail about it You just kind of I think tried to give us an explanation as to why you hadn't really been around much. I
00:07:40
Speaker
But there's only so much you can say to a 10-year-old that me and Anna could understand. So it didn't really come until later when you actually explained what had happened during those years. I had no clue about some of that stuff. I had no idea that you went to the hospital or that I got that bad. I really hadn't noticed any of that stuff.
00:08:03
Speaker
So I know that after I had gone through the therapy and finally found the right combination of medication and started feeling better that I started sharing more about what I had been through and that's what you were talking about. Do you remember at all
00:08:23
Speaker
like what that was like because I remember kind of trying to teach you and Anna a little bit about what I had learned, right? Because I know that both of you have had episodes of anxiety, nothing like what I had, but it was like as I was learning more about how to take care of myself, I wanted to teach that to you guys as soon as possible so that I could maybe help you avoid
00:08:50
Speaker
some of the things that I had experienced. So I'm just curious, like, what things do you remember that I shared with you, maybe that help you based on what I had learned?
00:09:01
Speaker
To be honest, it freaked me out a lot in the beginning when you first started sharing everything with us because I don't
Impact of Anxiety Relapses
00:09:08
Speaker
really like talking about feelings and emotions. And so you were kind of talking about all these things and you were talking about how important it is to share your feelings and that's why you were sick because you held all these feelings in for 25 years or however long of your life.
00:09:24
Speaker
and so that totally freaked me out and I was like okay I can never hold a feeling in ever again like I have to share everything with you and so I did like I remember I would sit down and tell you anytime I was sad or scared or angry or worried or whatever I would be like okay I have to tell mom like I can't keep this bottled up and that one on that was like a good two years where I would not keep anything to myself
00:09:48
Speaker
Now I have more secrets, but I've learned and I still know it's very important to share things and that really has helped me and I know it's helped our relationship a ton.
00:10:00
Speaker
Like I know I can tell you anything, but yeah, that was just one. I was terrified of bottling up all my emotions and just like exploding one day. That's so interesting because it's kind of like we went to the opposite extremes. Like I had held all my feelings in for so long and then you, yeah, you and Anna would, and I still feel like you tell me a lot more than maybe a lot of teenage girls tell their moms because
00:10:28
Speaker
I'm constantly reminding you, like, tell your team. You know, you have to let the things out. You have to speak about it. So that's good. I mean, of anything that I taught you, I'm glad that that's what stands out to you.
00:10:42
Speaker
So it hasn't been smooth sailing since 2014, like since I started getting better. There's ups and downs and flares and, you know, you know that when I get sick, especially my anxiety flares. So share with the audience a little bit about
00:11:02
Speaker
what it's like to, you know, most of the time I'm great, I'm doing well, but then I'll slide back down and I'll come to you guys and say, okay, guys, my anxiety is here, I'm having a flare, and sometimes I'll see you roll your eyes at me, you know? So I'm just curious, like, what are you thinking when I say, oh, here comes the anxiety again? Yeah, see, you weren't really supposed to see those eyebrows,
00:11:31
Speaker
So it really does annoy me a lot. And in the beginning, I understood it. And then you got better. And when you started, like when you had a few, I'll call them relapses or whatever, it was just like, oh, she's sick, you know, she'll be down for a little bit.
00:11:49
Speaker
And then now when it happens, I don't know why. It's just, it's so annoying. Like you go away and I know whenever you're sick, I'm like, oh, she's going to think it's anxiety. Like it's going to become this whole thing. And I know it drags it on for you and makes you sick longer than you would have been. And it's like, it's bad for you. And I know that you can't help it. And, but it just feels like to me that,
00:12:15
Speaker
You should be able to, I'm like, why can't she just pull herself out of it? Like she should know it's anxiety. Like it should not wipe her out for a week. And so whenever you go, I've gotten better about it now. Like now I don't really care when you go away in your room for a week, but.
00:12:32
Speaker
especially like a year ago, two years ago, it was before confirmation in eighth grade for me. And you were sick and you were out for like two weeks. And I was so mad because I just wanted someone to cook dinner. It's again, it's the dinner. It's just knowing that like there's somebody there to cook dinner and
00:12:53
Speaker
I wanted you around and we hadn't gone shopping for my confirmation dress yet. And so I called Aunt Nora one day and I was crying to her on the phone and I was like, mom's not, she's sick and she has anxiety or whatever and I wish you would just snap out of it. And I just want somebody to take me shopping for my confirmation dress. And it's just times like that where it's annoying that you just can't be there. It's like you can't pull yourself out of it and just do the things I want you to be able to do.
Reflection on Perfectionism
00:13:20
Speaker
Yeah, I get it. It's frustrating for me too. And I'm cracking up that it's always about the food. It's always about, why can't I cook anything for dinner? Oh, it's a journey, you guys. It's a journey. And I'm so thankful that Audrey can
00:13:43
Speaker
You know tell me that she is annoyed or that she's frustrated and I get it you know she has a right to her feelings about it so I'm curious Audrey.
00:13:54
Speaker
Am I a different mom? Am I a different kind of mom than what you remember pre-breakdown, like from age zero to 10? And then I went through, you know, what I went through and now on this side of it, can you see a difference in me and how I parent?
00:14:15
Speaker
So weirdly enough, I don't really remember much about the way you parented from like first grade through third grade, which is when it happened for me. I remember a lot about preschool and before I went to school when we would go on walks every day and spend all our time together.
00:14:34
Speaker
but that I mean that I was just hanging out with you it wasn't really parenting techniques we used to have this chore board and it was like a list of all the chores that we had to do and one of them was make our bed and so um the very first thing I would do in the morning is make my bed and one morning before school I was making my bed and I was very proud of it I was like
00:14:56
Speaker
Five and I thought it looked beautiful and you came in and you were like Audrey you got to make your bed now I was like what are you talking about like I made my bed and you go no there can't be any lumps in the bed like you know when the covers get like those weird like waves in them and you just have to pull a corner and
00:15:14
Speaker
and it like flattens it all out like that's what you did and so you're like see you pull the corner and there can't be any lumps in the bed and i was like okay and so from that point on when i made my bed there were no lumps in it well then later and this was after you went through all your stuff
00:15:31
Speaker
I was making my bed and we were like running late for something and you came in and you were like, Audrey, we have to go. And I was like, hold on. Like there can't be any lumps in the bed. And you're like, it's fine. Just leave it. Like it doesn't matter if there's lumps in your bed. And so that's just one of the things like you did used to be a lot more particular and like a perfectionist. And now I feel like
00:15:52
Speaker
I'm you still are perfectionist, but you've gotten much better just letting things go. And you're just like, it's good enough. And sometimes it annoys me because I'm like, it's not good enough. Like we need to try a little bit harder. But that's definitely something that's changed in your parenting styles. Yeah, for any of you listening who has a loved one who struggles with anxiety, one of the main symptoms is like irritability about
00:16:19
Speaker
little things, right? Because you're always kind of living at this high level of stress. And so I do remember things like being obsessed about things that shouldn't have mattered. Like I remember one time when you and Anna were little and I had just cleaned the floors and they were still wet and you guys were running around and there were little footprints all over the floors that I had just cleaned. And I was like so mad about it.
00:16:48
Speaker
because it wasn't perfect. And I think that I probably put the fear of God in you after that about walking on freshly cleaned floors until they were dry.
00:16:58
Speaker
Um, and now I'm like, who cares? You know, who cares about the floors? So that's just like one example of the bed and the floors of, I can see how I was much more high strung and, um, yeah, just obsessed about little things that in hindsight should not have been something that I was
00:17:21
Speaker
putting pressure on you or on myself about. So this brings to mind another story. I was filming an audition to become a speaker with making it count. And Audrey was probably
00:17:37
Speaker
three, if that. Anna was still in her little bouncer thing. And I had Audrey go in the bedroom to watch Anna so that I could film this audition. Well, Anna got upset because she was less than a year old. And Audrey came running in to tell me that Anna was upset. And I was so mad. And I yelled. I was so angry that she was interrupting me.
00:18:04
Speaker
And I was trying so hard to make this perfect video and be perfect about the speech that I had memorized for this audition. But I didn't remember that the camera was still rolling. So the camera caught my yelling at her and my outburst just of anger at this little three year old who I had asked to babysit her nine month old sister.
00:18:29
Speaker
So that I could film this thing, you know, and I'm getting mad at her because she's not keeping her baby sister quiet. So a few years later I was watching different tapes that I had recorded and this came on and I saw myself react like that.
00:18:47
Speaker
And it was awful. I have never watched it again because I was so embarrassed and so sad and so just I couldn't believe that I had been that angry at my three-year-old daughter who was watching her sister for me.
00:19:07
Speaker
And I remember that Audrey told me when she was little that she thought I was a witch, that I had a zipper on my back. So here I am, the lovely mom, but underneath I was a witch and I would pull that zipper and out would come the witch.
00:19:28
Speaker
what insight from a little girl at the different sides of her mom. And that, my friends, was the anxiety. It caused me to go into fits of anger when
00:19:44
Speaker
the situation was not warranted for me to be angry, to be that frustrated or that irritable. So just a little anecdote about what it can be like from the perspective of a young child when a parent reacts in a way that isn't warranted by the situation. Can you think of any other examples, Audrey, that might be helpful for people about maybe what I was like pre-getting help?
00:20:14
Speaker
for my anxiety and what I'm like now as I've learned how to cope and manage it.
From Stressful to Relaxed Parenting
00:20:22
Speaker
yeah so parties are always a big example that we use so pre-anxiety whenever we were getting ready for a party it would be like at least a week long ordeal of cleaning and making sure the floors were spotless and the house was picked up and dad always jokes about having to change a light fixture at least one for every party and the house it looked amazing always
00:20:50
Speaker
but you were always like a nervous wreck before every single party and then by the time the party got there I feel like you were so exhausted from trying to make the house look and be perfect that you didn't really enjoy it and then you were just watching all these little kids like drop their crumbs on the floor and basically ruin the perfect house that you had just made and then just two days ago we had Anna's confirmation party and
00:21:18
Speaker
we were getting ready for it and it was it we spent about a week and we were fixing up the house and you were adding like new crown molding onto the ceiling and stuff like that right before but the day of
00:21:32
Speaker
we were cleaning up the kitchen and you said good enough and that is not something that you would have said before you wouldn't have said like this is good enough but you said i'm just gonna leave it i don't care if this stuff doesn't get done the house is clean enough and you said i'm just gonna enjoy the day and that's something that i feel like you wouldn't have done before you would have
00:21:55
Speaker
been at least a little bit uptight about something like trying to fix something in the house but you really did just enjoy it and I think you had a blast and it's much more fun when we're getting ready for a party with you and we can laugh about things and you're not stressed out so we're not stressed out and it just makes it all a more fun experience.
00:22:17
Speaker
Yeah, I remember saying to you, you know, old Laura would stay up all night to get all of this stuff done. And it was like 10 o'clock. And I said, I'm going to bed. Whatever isn't done isn't done. And that is freeing. That is so freeing when you can
00:22:35
Speaker
really learn to let things go and not sweat the small stuff. I think that all of us have a new appreciation just for the simple times, just the good times because we've been through some hard roads and it's been a learning process for all of us.
00:22:59
Speaker
What would you say, Audrey, as we wrap things up here to another kid your age whose parent is going through a hard time with their mental health and having to dive deep into their own history and into their own struggles and figure that out? What advice would you give to the
Advice for Kids with Anxious Parents
00:23:25
Speaker
kids?
00:23:25
Speaker
I mean, it sucks. It really does like not having a parent there for you that you feel like should be there. Um, definitely don't feel like you have to step up. Like as the older sister, I never personally felt like I had to take on any new responsibilities because I had so much family support. And I, like I said, I never really even noticed that my mom was missing, but don't feel like you have to take on any new roles and be the parent.
00:23:53
Speaker
And you really can learn from it, even if you don't like really sharing your feelings or hearing about feelings. I hate talking about feelings. You can still learn from what your parents going through, like listen to their advice because if they're going through something, there's a reason they're going through it.
00:24:11
Speaker
they don't want you to go through that same thing so it really can bring you closer if you can listen to them and share your experiences and share a little bit of how you're feeling like if you're feeling like you're taking on too much because of their absence like tell somebody about it you don't have to sit there in silence and feel like you're being a burden or anything because they know that you're hurting and they're hurting and so if you're just open with each other then
00:24:40
Speaker
It can really bring you closer together in the end. Yeah, I hope that that's our story. I hope that I think it's true that we've all kind of grown closer. I think it's true that we've all grown closer because of the hard things we've been through. And so I'm thankful to God for that and I'm thankful for you and just the special kiddo that you are.
Embracing Imperfection in Parenting
00:25:05
Speaker
I hope that all of you listening found this conversation insightful, and I just want to encourage you that as much as we think we're ruining our kids' lives by our own struggles, I think more often than not, we're giving them a gift by sharing what we learn and by being transparent that we're not perfect.
00:25:31
Speaker
I can't think of anything worse than a child trying to live up to a perfect standard and by thinking that their parents are something that they could never be. So I'm a messy miracle. I have messed up a lot. I will mess up a lot again. And I know my girls will too. And we accept that about each other and love each other through it.
00:25:59
Speaker
We are not perfect, but I'm thankful. I'm very thankful for this tribe of family that God has given me. I would love to hear your questions and your responses to this episode. I'd love to hear what struggles you are facing as a parent, either with anxiety or maybe your child has anxiety. So join me on Instagram.
00:26:24
Speaker
at Seeking the Still and message me there. I love to interact with all of you on Instagram. It's my favorite place to be online. You can also always join me at seekingthestill.com where you can subscribe for free for some audio meditations and other helpful tools to help you seek the still in your chaotic life.
00:26:50
Speaker
I want to encourage you as we wrap up today to open your hands and let go of some things that are weighing you down. How are you holding yourself to a level of perfection that just isn't sustainable? Because news flash, you're not perfect and nobody expects you to be perfect.
00:27:13
Speaker
In a lot of ways, we are our own enemy when it comes to living up to those standards that we put on ourselves. So open your hands today. Open your hands and let go of some areas in your life where you feel like
00:27:29
Speaker
you are less than some areas where you've been striving to a level of achievement or perfection that is really in the end just weighing you down. I know you can do it with God's help. Until we meet again, be still.