Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
5: Re-entering the Land of the Living
173 Plays3 years ago
Recovery is an ongoing process, so what happens when it's time to go back to work and re-enter the land of the living? In this episode Laura shares how to manage your expectations about how people will react to your journey. She also tells the story about a Divine experience she never could have expected and that you will never forget.
Seeking The Still Website: Seekingthestill.com
Seeking The Still Instagram: Instagram.com/seekingthestill
Seeking The Still Facebook: Facebook.com/seekthestill
Series sponsor Altered Ministries: https://alteredministries.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Seeking the Still
00:00:01
Speaker
Seeking the Still is produced by Jill Devine Media. Season one is brought to you by Altered Ministries. Jane Patton and her team are transforming the lives of women and children all over the world, including orphanages, recovery homes, and more. Learn how you can support them and be part of these life changing ministries at AlteredMinistries.com. Welcome to the Seeking the Still podcast with me, your host, Laura Fleetwood.
00:00:34
Speaker
In this safe space, we come together to seek the still amid chaotic lives, to get honest about what overwhelms us, to become connected to one another and to the divine, to step into who we were created to be. Always real, never perfect, and forever on your side.
Personal Journey and Challenges
00:00:56
Speaker
I attended my last day of outpatient therapy, had the final assessment with one of the therapists and Justin came in and she shared how much progress I had made and that I was ready to go back to work. Now, I call this re-entering the land of the living because for so many months, three months or so,
00:01:23
Speaker
I had been in this state of in between, kind of a no man's land, where I had been doing the work, going to therapy, coming home, doing the exercises and processing, dealing with medication changes, which endosagene, which we will get into in episode six. But here's what I want you to know about people who haven't gone through what you've gone through.
Support and Sisterhood
00:01:50
Speaker
It's not that they don't care. It's that they just don't know what to say. And so they end up not saying anything at all. And that has nothing to do with you. That has to do with their own lack of ability to express their own fears and their own emotions and, um, and sit in the uncomfortableness of hearing you tell a messy story. When you find the people who do come to you,
00:02:20
Speaker
and sit with you and want to know truly how you've been doing. Don't let go of those people. They are so rare and often those people are who I call the sisterhood of suffering. It's often the people who have been through their own dark night of the soul and they know the kind of encouragement you need.
00:02:43
Speaker
So I wasn't expecting a lot of people to come up to me and really ask how I was doing and what I had been going through. I knew that for most people, that's not a comfortable thing. I was mostly worried about what I was going to say, because at this point I was passed
Truth and Self-Expression
00:03:05
Speaker
wearing a mask anymore. The thing about wearing a mask and hiding your true thoughts and your true feelings is that it takes so much energy and that's energy I no longer have. It is no longer worth my time and energy to try to hide or try to say things that will make someone else feel better at the expense of not expressing my truth. So I knew that
00:03:32
Speaker
to put into practice what I had been learning, I was going to have to share some of what I had been
Metaphorical Journey
00:03:37
Speaker
struggling with. So all of this is going through my mind as I'm taking the hour long drive out to this remote retreat center where I was to meet all of the staff for the first time since I had walked into a mental health treatment center. Then an astonishing thing happened. Siri,
00:03:59
Speaker
got me lost and I found myself driving through cornfields on my left and on my right. No roads that I was supposed to find were appearing. And then I saw it out of the right side of my car. I saw what looked like a crumbling building. And as I got closer, sure enough, it was just the outside walls.
00:04:28
Speaker
of an old church, an old stone church. It did not have a roof on it. It was in ruins out in the middle of nowhere in this cornfield. And just then as I was coming up to this structure, Siri rerouted me and I saw that I was only a few minutes away from the retreat
Spiritual Awakening and Gratitude
00:04:50
Speaker
center. I was running late. And so I just kind of thought, oh, that's strange and drove to the retreat center.
00:04:58
Speaker
And there was no big, you know, important moment that happened. Nobody really brought up the topic of me being away until the end when we were praying and we were all holding hands in a circle. And I just felt the spirit tap on my shoulder.
00:05:19
Speaker
um, for me to share and for me to say a few things. I was shaking so bad. I don't remember whose hands I was holding, but they probably thought that I was about ready to pass out because my hands were shaking. My legs were shaking and my body was shaking. This was the first time I was going to say out loud amongst
00:05:44
Speaker
any sort of large group from my pre-breakdown Laura life, what I had been going through.
00:05:55
Speaker
And I simply spoke the words out loud that I was thankful for those who had stood by my side. I prayed thanks for them. I gave gratitude to Jesus who never once stopped holding my hand. And I started to cry and sob as I shared how difficult it was to simply take the next right step.
00:06:26
Speaker
But I did it. I came to do what I set out to do, which was to simply show up. And if you find yourself in a situation where you have to do something that is frightening, that you don't know what the outcome is going to be, I want to encourage you that the only thing you have to do is show up.
00:06:51
Speaker
My story has been marked by special places all over the country that have inspired me and fostered the creativity that I needed to step into my
Support for Women in Ministry
00:07:01
Speaker
purpose. And one of those places is the Phasaurus Chapter House in Jackson, Michigan.
00:07:07
Speaker
It's founded by Dr. David McDonald and he took this old Victorian home and he restored it and recreated it into the headquarters for Christian ministerial innovation. Dr. McDonald is one of the most fervent supporters of women in ministry that I know. I've had the honor of participating and staying at the chapter house
00:07:32
Speaker
being part of one of his retreats and in his women's online cohort. If you are in need of coming back to life, of being supported in a creative way by other people who get this passion that you have been given to bring hope to the world, check out the Phosaurus Chapter House. You can go to phosauruschapterhouse.com, F-O-S-S-O-R-E-S, chapterhouse.com,
00:08:00
Speaker
and let them know that Laura sent you. This whole time that I have been going through this journey, I mentioned that I experienced a spiritual awakening.
00:08:13
Speaker
There were so many moments where I physically felt, saw and heard the presence of God, the presence of the divine in such poignant, real ways. In fact, it got to the point where I would be laying on the cold bathroom floor, having a panic attack, willing myself to get up and go cook dinner for my family. And the only way I could get up
00:08:41
Speaker
The only way I could go through my day was to hold my hand outstretched and imagine Jesus holding my hand and leading me step by step by step through the day. Those spiritual experiences are for another day. There will be a time when I will share those things.
00:09:04
Speaker
But what I want you to know is that this story of me reentering the land of the living, of showing up, of speaking my truth, saying it out loud, and then leaving that retreat center and feeling such a strong desire to go back and find that church.
00:09:27
Speaker
was just one of a dozen experiences where God led me on a path that was so beautiful and so unexpected that that is the way that I now seek to live my life all day, every day.
Reflection and Surrender
00:09:45
Speaker
Because when I drove back to find that church, I got out of the car.
00:09:55
Speaker
I walked over and crossed the threshold of this beautiful, fragile, broken shell of a church. And I realized that this was me crumbling
00:10:16
Speaker
but standing, fragile, but strong, rooted in the divine who gives miracles to the lost. And I stepped through that empty doorway and walked reverently to where an altar must have been many moons ago. There was still an open circle in this huge, tall, expansive stone that marked a space where the sun had once shown through colored glass.
00:10:45
Speaker
And I knelt there on that hallowed ground amidst the crumbling walls of a church with a glorious blue sky wide open above me. There was no roof on these ruins. On that hallowed ground, I knelt and I sobbed and I cried until there were no more tears.
00:11:12
Speaker
And I felt a burst of something in my heart in that moment, something that I hadn't felt in a long time, hope. Now, if God could use a lost travel route on the day that I was to reenter the land of the living, to bless me and to show me that he was there,
00:11:39
Speaker
And that things around me would crumble just like that church, but it didn't matter because all I had to do is show up. All I had to do was do the next right thing, show up and release the outcome to him. And you guys, this was so huge for me because the roots of my anxiety
00:12:05
Speaker
is control. I had lived 37 years of my life controlling everything I did and everything my kids did and everything that I thought was important. I needed to hold onto it with a vice grip and do it my way. And what I realized through this season of burnout and breakdown is that control is a facade.
00:12:35
Speaker
I thought I had control all of those years, but we don't have control. We don't have control. That's a trick that our body and our mind uses to try to make us feel better, to try to make some sense out of the chaos that life throws at us. And thank God we do not have control. I thank God that there is
00:13:01
Speaker
A divine protector, a divine guide or a divine rescuer who is in control. I have seen him show up for me time and time and time again, time and time and time again. I don't know how or why it still surprises me the way that he walks so closely holding my hand.
00:13:30
Speaker
And I want you to know that not only does he hold our hand and guide us to the next step, but he lives within us. He lives within us. He is so close, so near, so intimate, so wonderfully connected and part of you. But you're getting in the way of seeing and listening.
00:13:56
Speaker
and following that beautiful voice. You're getting in your own way. I am getting in my own way again and again and again. And thank God that he does not give up on us. Thank God that he keeps showing up even in the midst of our mess. It was during this time that I came up with a name for myself, Messy Miracle.
00:14:23
Speaker
because I was dealing with the tension, right? The tension of pre-breakdown Laura and still having moments where I just wanted to go back to her.
Embracing Imperfection
00:14:33
Speaker
I just wanted to go back to the Laura who didn't know anything about anxiety, coping mechanisms, medication, and all of the things, like completely bliss, ignorance, right?
00:14:48
Speaker
I was caught in the tension of wanting to go back to her and the tension of knowing that there was something so much better for me that was on the other side, but I was still walking through the darkness, the tunnel to get there. So there was the mess. And yet at the same time, there was the miracle of seeing God show up. And I knew that inside of me, I had both. I had.
00:15:15
Speaker
the mess. I had the tendency to want to control my life, to numb myself from pain, to flee from anything that was difficult. And yet I also had this miracle, this grace of the very spirit of the creator of the world living in me. And that's a war. That is a war that we have inside ourselves every minute of every day. And one of the things that helped me
00:15:46
Speaker
was to name it, was to name myself a messy miracle.
Teaser for Next Episode
00:15:49
Speaker
Because it reminds me that on this side of heaven, that's how it will be. We will have to deal with the mess and at the same time claim the miracle.
00:16:01
Speaker
So I started calling other women and girls, messy miracles, and it stuck. It was another beautiful reminder of how God was beginning to redeem the story and planting the seeds for how he would use it in a powerful way to not only change me, to not only change my family, but to change the world.
00:16:30
Speaker
There's still some time though, before we get there. And in the next episode, I want to share with you a little bit about medication. It's the elephant in the room when it comes to mental health and something that I struggled with and still struggle with honestly to this day. So join me for the next episode, episode six, where we are going to talk about meds, baby.
Masterclass and Subscription Encouragement
00:17:00
Speaker
I don't know about you, but I always learn something and feel so much better and so much more relaxed after I listen to Laura. I'm Jill Devine and as her producer, her co-worker, and most importantly her friend, I can tell you
00:17:16
Speaker
that she has some amazing resources to help you seek the still in your life. In fact, Laura would love to send you a completely free video masterclass that helps you learn how to twirl your way through your next difficult day. It's five short videos from Laura herself that will land in your inbox. And in her calming voice, she'll explain what that acronym twirl means and how it will help you transform your hard days.
00:17:41
Speaker
All you have to do is text the word twirl to the number 55444. These videos are perfect for the girls in your life too, so make sure you grab the free twirl masterclass while you can. Text twirl, that's T-W-I-R-L,
00:17:56
Speaker
T-W-I-R-L to 55444. That's 55444. Or sign up for it at SeekingTheStill.com. You will be so glad you did. And make sure you've subscribed to Seeking The Still because Laura will continue her story and her journey with you in a new episode that launches every Wednesday.
00:18:18
Speaker
So again, subscribe to Seeking the Still on the podcast platform of your choice. And then you will be notified when a new episode releases, but just know every Wednesday you will get a new episode and new inspiration from Laura.
Closing Inspirational Note
00:18:34
Speaker
And she's going to leave you right now with an inspirational quote.
00:18:38
Speaker
In a spirit of optimism, we move into the future with humility and unknowing. We must root out of the soul all fear and dread regarding what approaches us from the future. We must acquire serenity with regard to all feelings about it. We must look with absolute calmness upon all that comes to us. Whatever happens, we must think only that it comes to us through the wisest guidance. Author unknown. Be still.