Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
3: Asking for Help
159 Plays3 years ago
*Warning, this episode contains explicit language*
Laura continues her poignant story in this episode as she shares more entries in her journal, describes what it feels like to continue to spiral into the pit of clinical anxiety, and how to determine when it's time to enter a mental health treatment center and ask for more help.
If you've ever wondered how to decide whether you or someone you love needs inpatient or outpatient treatment for mental health, this is a powerful episode to hear and share.
Seeking The Still Website: Seekingthestill.com
Seeking The Still Instagram: Instagram.com/seekingthestill
Seeking The Still Facebook: Facebook.com/seekthestill
Series sponsor Altered Ministries: https://alteredministries.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Seeking the Still'
00:00:01
Speaker
Seeking the Still is produced by Jill Devine Media. Season one is brought to you by Altered Ministries. Jane Patton and her team are transforming the lives of women and children all over the world, including orphanages, recovery homes, and more. Learn how you can support them and be part of these life changing ministries at AlteredMinistries.com.
Invitation to Seek Stillness
00:00:24
Speaker
Welcome to the Seeking the Still podcast with me, your host, Laura Fleetwood.
00:00:34
Speaker
In this safe space, we come together to seek the still amid chaotic lives, to get honest about what overwhelms us, to become connected to one another and to the divine, to step into who we were created to be. Always real, never perfect, and forever on your side.
Exploring a Spiritual Journey
00:00:56
Speaker
Warning that this episode contains adult language because reaching the end of yourself is not pretty. But I want to keep this real for you guys and authentic so it is what it is.
00:01:12
Speaker
And also a caveat that this is when I'm going to really get into the spiritual aspects of my story. And I know that some of you listening may not believe that there is a God. You may not want to believe in things that don't make sense, like Jesus, like spirit.
00:01:38
Speaker
things that you can't see, things that you can't understand. My ask of you as you listen to this episode is to suspend your disbelief just for the next 30 minutes or so. And imagine that there is a loving creator who really does want the best for you, who really does walk by your side.
00:02:06
Speaker
Just imagine that as you listen.
00:02:10
Speaker
because I know that it's true. And this creator, this being that loves you more than you can ever imagine is the one who got me through the one who guided my steps. And I know that he wants to do the same for you. So I just ask that you listen with an open heart and an open mind as you see how he has worked in my story.
Writing to God for Guidance
00:02:40
Speaker
June 2nd, 2014. I started writing to God. This was the season between the breakdown and when I reached out to really ask for help. I have been a believer in Christ my entire life. I've never known anything but the love of God and the love of Jesus.
00:03:10
Speaker
But I hadn't recognized that Jesus was my rescuer. He was someone I had been taught to believe in and I knew he was there, but I didn't walk hand in hand with him.
00:03:32
Speaker
And during this time, I really found myself seeking because I had come to the end of myself. So I started writing my thoughts to God, and then I started writing what I imagined him saying back to me. And this is what I wrote on June 2nd.
00:03:55
Speaker
Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth. How ironic that to experience the deep, comforting peace and presence of God, we are supposed to do nothing. How impossible it seems that the greatest gift of all is available to us if only we will see striving and
Struggles with Anxiety and Faith
00:04:21
Speaker
trying and be still.
00:04:23
Speaker
From the moment I wake, this is the opposite of what my entire being tells me to do. My mind begins working from the moment I awake, thinking about all I need to do and say that day, how can I train my mind to wake in stillness pointed to the presence of God from my first waking breath? Is that even possible? Can my first waking thought be praise to God for who he is?
00:04:53
Speaker
May my first thought of the day place me in sync to receive the peace of God's presence rather than starting my focus on me and what needs to be done. Dear Laura, you did it again. You spent your afternoon reading about anxiety instead of turning to me.
00:05:10
Speaker
Why do you keep searching for answers when I am right here in front of you? I know that you're worried about your medication. You don't like feeling that you're underwater and not being able to think as quickly or clearly. Just remember that for now, it is helping you slow down and rest. You know how much of a problem this is for you. Don't lose faith.
00:05:34
Speaker
See it through. It will get better. Just keep trusting me. Face. Accept. Float. Give it more time.
00:05:49
Speaker
I didn't want it to take more time. I had been prescribed an anxiety medication that made me feel not myself. I had tried several antidepressants and
00:06:05
Speaker
They sent me into a tailspin, into the worst anxiety and panic that I had experienced thus far. So the doctor I was seeing said that he was going to prescribe me something that was off-label for anxiety. It was normally used as an antipsychotic for people with schizophrenia, but he thought that it just might be the thing to help me.
00:06:35
Speaker
and I guess it did help me for a while but then things took a downward turn and
00:06:47
Speaker
I was still working. I was still surviving, but I was a shell of who I wanted to be. And I just kept saying over and over and over again, God, let me return to the Laura. I was, I just want her back. I just want to go back to before all of this craziness happened.
00:07:12
Speaker
I begged him over and over and over again, bring the old Laura back. But here's the thing. The old Laura was not who I was made to be. The old Laura was in denial. The old Laura is who led me to this point in the first place.
Therapy and Childhood Anxieties
00:07:33
Speaker
So at this point in my story is where it turns rather ugly. I was seeing a new therapist. Actually, she was the mom of the woman who co-chaired the auction with me. And little did I know that her mother was a world renowned psychologist known for dealing with people who struggled with anxiety. Her name is Peg.
00:08:01
Speaker
And Peg was a godsend to me. She was an angel in disguise and working with her stirred up all kinds of things that I had never dealt with in my life. Remember when I said that I had the picture perfect upbringing? Well, in many ways I did, but I had also dealt with a lot of hurt and pain growing up moving from town to town.
00:08:30
Speaker
having my grandparents separate in an ugly divorce, having the foundation of much of my childhood shaken in a lot of ways. And I never dealt with any of it. I never talked about any of it to a soul. In fact, I was realizing that I had struggled with anxiety my entire life.
00:08:55
Speaker
As a kindergarten girl with my head pressed up against a window pane, watching for my mom's car to turn down the long country lane and knowing in the pit of my stomach that she had had a car accident and was lying on the side of the road.
00:09:09
Speaker
that season during fifth grade when I just knew I had cancer and didn't tell Sol the bully on the school bus who picked on me day after day after day. I had anxiety.
00:09:25
Speaker
I just dealt with it by achieving more and getting good grades and doing all of the things that people expected of me. That's how I dealt with my anxiety and that no longer worked. I had come to the end of those coping mechanisms and all of the darkness and all of the pain was spilling out of every fiber of my being in ways that I never could have imagined.
Mental Health Crisis and Recovery
00:09:54
Speaker
So in the middle of the summer, I got to the point where I could no longer get out of bed. Justin was still traveling, so my mom and dad came to stay with us and essentially took over the running of our household while I laid in bed day after day fighting the demons that were starting to come.
00:10:17
Speaker
out of my heart, out of my mind, and out of my soul. Until one day, I wrote these words in my journal. June 15th. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Damn. I am so angry. I can't take it anymore. I want to punch anything and everything. I have so much anxiety and anger. I don't know what to do with myself.
00:10:44
Speaker
I want to swear and I never swear. I want to yell and I never yell. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe the dam has finally burst. The floodgates are wide open.
00:10:58
Speaker
I haven't felt this angry in years, not since I was a teenager and my hormones were running wild. I'm always the calm one. Well, guess what? I'm not calm now. I don't want to breathe anymore. I don't want to do yoga or meditate or anything else. Then I want to scream. I want to hurt someone or something. I'm done. I was up all night again. How many times is that? I don't even know. I've lost count.
00:11:27
Speaker
I want to make myself numb, but I know it won't work. I'm beyond it all right now. I am so angry. I'm angry that it's father's day and I'd love to be with my family, but instead I'm having a mental breakdown in the confines of my bedroom.
00:11:49
Speaker
I'm angry that I haven't had a full night's sleep in days. I'm angry that I have even had the thought of stuffing my mouth with Xanax. I'm mad.
00:12:01
Speaker
that I'm talking like a psycho wacko and I'm taking medication that is supposed to make me stop feeling this way and it doesn't. I'm mad that I can't control anything anymore. I'm mad that I'm not perfect. I'm mad that I ever tried to be perfect. I'm mad that I try to take everything the right way and nothing is working anymore. I'm mad that I want to give up.
00:12:29
Speaker
And that is not my nature. I'm mad that I don't care what I look like anymore. I'm mad that I'm even thinking of checking myself into the nearest mental hospital. And that's precisely what ended up happening. My story has been marked by special places all over the country that have inspired me and fostered the creativity that I needed to step into my purpose. And one of those places is the Phosaurus chapter house in Jackson, Michigan.
00:12:59
Speaker
It's founded by Dr. David McDonald and he took this old Victorian home and he restored it and recreated it into the headquarters for Christian ministerial innovation. Dr. McDonald is one of the most fervent supporters of women in ministry that I know. I've had the honor of participating and staying at the chapter house
00:13:24
Speaker
being part of one of his retreats and in his women's online cohort. If you are in need of coming back to life, of being supported in a creative way by other people who get this passion that you have been given to bring hope to the world, check out the Phosaurus Chapter House. You can go to phosauruschapterhouse.com, F-O-S-S-O-R-E-S, chapterhouse.com,
00:13:52
Speaker
and let them know that Laura sent you. When you start stirring up 37 years of things that you never dealt with, of things that you never talked about, when you start peeling back the layers of all the ways you've tried to protect yourself from the darkness inside, it stirs up a lot of pain.
00:14:21
Speaker
And I was recognizing that this pain was deeper and darker than I could deal with seeing a counselor once a week. My life was not a life anymore.
00:14:38
Speaker
So one day after screaming and yelling from my bed and crying and crying and crying and having my mom come and lay down next to me, having my husband come and lay down next to me,
00:14:53
Speaker
I said, all right, Justin, it's finally time. So he pulled out our insurance card and looked at the back where it said, mental health help, called the number and found out what to do.
00:15:13
Speaker
Now the crazy thing is that the treatment center where I went to get an evaluation is right across the road from my office at work. I told you that I worked for a church during this time and I would look out my window and I could see Centerpoint Hospital directly across the road. I had probably driven by that hospital
00:15:40
Speaker
a thousand times, never once giving thought to the people who were inside until suddenly I was one of them.
The Importance of Seeking Help
00:15:50
Speaker
So I packed up a bag because I didn't know how long I would be there and I kissed my girls goodbye and got in the passenger seat of our car on a beautiful sunny day. Justin drove me to be evaluated.
00:16:07
Speaker
I had never stepped foot in a mental health institution before. I didn't know what to expect. I remember sitting there on a chair with the TV showing the news.
00:16:23
Speaker
and waiting for them to call my name and thinking this seems an awful lot like a hotel lobby. So they called my name and a lovely woman named Sarah took me back into a really tiny room with no windows and had me fill out yet another mental health questionnaire.
00:16:46
Speaker
And I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know what they were going to tell me. I didn't know what to expect. And that's part of why I'm telling you guys this story because
00:16:57
Speaker
There's so much help, but we have to ask for it. We have to take the hard step of leaving our home and going to a place where we don't know what's on the other side and being honest about what we've been dealing with and let it all out and be open to what God has next for us. So after going through the evaluation and going away to talk to
00:17:25
Speaker
whoever was in charge about what my next step should be. Sarah came back and she said, you're not a danger to yourself. You're not a danger to anyone else, but you need help. And we would like for you to enroll in outpatient therapy.
00:17:44
Speaker
So, okay, I at this point had no energy whatsoever and was willing to do whatever they told me to do. So she said, you can start tomorrow and it'll look like three days of therapy, group therapy every day that you go. You'll be there from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.
00:18:11
Speaker
And that was about it. There wasn't much other than that. And it felt very anticlimactic because I had made this huge step to go and ask for help. And I think part of me wanted them to keep me.
00:18:27
Speaker
I remember telling Peg, my therapist, that I just wanted to go away. I just wanted to go away someplace where they would tell me what to do and what to eat, when to do it, and I was tired of trying to figure everything out on my own. That's mainly what I remember about this time was that I was so exhausted from all the emotions
00:18:54
Speaker
all of the negative emotions day in and day out and most of all i was tired of the crazy thoughts in my head that was the worst part the crazy thoughts in my head that i was going insane
00:19:13
Speaker
The crazy thoughts in my head of ways that I might hurt myself, ways that I might hurt someone that I loved got to the point where I asked Justin to lock up my medication.
00:19:28
Speaker
Because I knew I wasn't thinking straight and I knew that in a moment of panic, I might do something that I would regret. And it wasn't that I didn't want to live. I never had a plan for doing something
00:19:47
Speaker
to hurt myself, but I knew that I didn't want to live like this anymore. And because of the craziness in my head, I was worried that I would do something that I couldn't take back. So here's the thing about asking for help. It feels
00:20:12
Speaker
awful when you're making the decision about how to do it. It feels shameful. It feels bad. But when you take the step and you reach out for help and hope, it is the bravest
00:20:33
Speaker
thing that you can do. It is the strongest thing that you can do. If you've been holding everything in and trying to deal with it on your own, hear this loud and clear. You were not meant to walk through this life alone.
00:20:54
Speaker
You were not meant to walk through this life trying to heal yourself, trying to figure all the things out.
Advocating for Vulnerability and Support
00:21:03
Speaker
It was never meant to be that way. That is a lie that you learned somewhere along the way.
00:21:11
Speaker
And when you get to the point where all of the ways you've coped with life are no longer working, that is a gift. It's a gift in disguise, but it is a gift because it forces you to open your hand and it forces you to open your mouth and say the words that you never wanted to say.
00:21:33
Speaker
I need help. But when you utter those words, a weight is lifted off your shoulder and a possibility begins to glimmer through the darkness and you begin to realize
00:21:52
Speaker
that you are not alone and it won't be immediate healing. It will require a lot of work and a lot of tears and a lot of fears and a lot of stripping away all of these layers that you have put on yourself to protect yourself, but they never were actually protecting you. No, they weren't protecting you.
00:22:18
Speaker
They were numbing you. They were sheltering you. But the real you is somewhere deep inside. And when you begin this honorable work, you cannot do it alone. You need a team.
00:22:40
Speaker
And you need to know that there is a God who is holding you in the palm of his hand and will provide a way out for you. You may have to fight for it. You may have to work for it. And at the same time, you may have to let go of the former way.
00:23:02
Speaker
that you've been living. The former you that you so desperately want to go back to is not the you you were designed to be, but the you that God created to be is inside. And asking for help is the very beginning of the way through.
00:23:29
Speaker
I don't know about you, but I always learn something and feel so much better and so much more relaxed after I listen to Laura.
Coping with Tough Days: The TWIRL Method
00:23:38
Speaker
I'm Jill Devine, and as her producer, her co-worker, and most importantly, her friend, I can tell you that she has some amazing resources to help you
00:23:47
Speaker
seek this still in your life. In fact, Laura would love to send you a completely free video master class that helps you learn how to twirl your way through your next difficult day. It's five short videos from Laura herself that will land in your inbox and in her calming voice, she'll explain what that acronym twirl means and how it will help you transform your hard days.
00:24:10
Speaker
All you have to do is text the word twirl to the number 55444. These videos are perfect for the girls in your life too, so make sure you grab the free twirl masterclass while you can. Text twirl, that's T-W-I-R-L,
00:24:25
Speaker
T-W-I-R-L to 55444. That's 55444. Or sign up for it at SeekingTheStill.com. You will be so glad you did. And make sure you've subscribed to Seeking The Still because Laura will continue her story and her journey with you in a new episode that launches every Wednesday.
00:24:46
Speaker
So again, subscribe to Seeking the Still on the podcast platform of your choice. And then you will be notified when a new episode releases, but just know every Wednesday you will get a new episode and new inspiration from Laura. And she's going to leave you right now with an inspirational quote. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, loud two.
00:25:18
Speaker
Be still.