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11: My Mom's Perspective
157 Plays3 years ago
What was it like for my mother to come live with us while I was going through the darkest days of my anxiety? How did she cope? What questions did she ask herself? How did she care for me and believe that I would get better?
To learn more about the products Laura mentions in this episode, visit podcast sponsor, Cindy Jenks, an ambassador with QSciences at myqwellness.com or email her questions at [email protected].
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Transcript
Introduction: Finding Peace Amidst Chaos
00:00:01
Speaker
Seeking the Still is produced by Joe Devine Media. Welcome to the Seeking the Still podcast with me, your host, Laura Fleetwood.
00:00:15
Speaker
In this safe space, we come together to seek the still amid chaotic lives, to get honest about what overwhelms us, to become connected to one another and to the divine, to step into who we were created to be. Always real, never perfect, and forever on your side.
Interview Series: Support During Anxiety
00:00:37
Speaker
Welcome to season two of Seeking the Still. In this season, I am talking to different people in my life who walked with me through a really hard time when I struggled with
00:00:50
Speaker
and anxiety disorder. And today the conversation continues with my mother, Mary Harm. And this is the total truth zone. So be open and honest. You don't have to hold anything back or worry about hurting my feelings. The reason we're having these conversations is so that other people who might be in a similar situation can gain some wisdom and some hope.
00:01:18
Speaker
about their own situation, their own hard things that they're going through. So let's kick it off by going back to 2014.
Mother's Observations: Recognizing Distress
00:01:33
Speaker
In the previous episode with Dad, he talked about how you guys came to our house.
00:01:39
Speaker
for the auction that I was chairing and that was kind of the first time you realized that something was wrong because you were here and you saw me kind of frozen and not able to fulfill my duties with that and that was kind of the first time that I broke. Do you remember that time and what do you remember feeling and thinking?
00:02:05
Speaker
I'm not sure if it was uh it might have been before that that I remember one time at your house that you were on the floor exercising and I was totally shocked at how much weight you had lost because I hadn't seen you for a while and that might have been before because you were pretty thin at you know at that auction but um yeah at the auction you
00:02:35
Speaker
just basically sat there. You did get up and speak. I was really surprised at that. But other than that, just the look on your face was like you were a little lost child. And I remember all of the effort that went in beforehand, planning everything, laying everything out.
00:02:59
Speaker
It was just a real shock of an evening to
Laura's Crisis: Seeking Parental Support
00:03:04
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see where you were, you know, at that time.
00:03:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's interesting because I was 37 years old, you know, so I was more than an adult. And yet here you come. And like you said, that it was interesting description that my face looked like a lost little child. And in a lot of ways, like that's what I remember feeling is that here I was 37. And yet I felt like, okay, I need to call my mommy and daddy to help me because I couldn't
00:03:38
Speaker
take care of myself or take care of my my family. And yeah, that must have been a shock. It was a shock to me. So I can't imagine from your perspective. I think didn't I even go out and buy you two dresses that you chose from to wear? Because you did. Yeah, you didn't didn't have any ambition or motivation to even think about
00:04:05
Speaker
Yeah, I do remember you bringing two dresses in. Yeah. Well, because I had lost so much weight that I couldn't fit in any of my
00:04:15
Speaker
my dresses and that, you know, that can be a really big warning sign for people that either losing a lot of weight suddenly or gaining a lot of weight suddenly can be something to be aware of, you know, and someone that you love just following up with them to see what's going on. So it was probably a few months later that
00:04:39
Speaker
you came to stay with us because you were still teaching at the time. So you finished out the school year and then for the summer, you pretty much came for the entire summer, if I recall. And I remember that you were here when I went to the mental health hospital to get evaluated because I remember that I wasn't sleeping.
Night Support: Mother's Vigil
00:05:05
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And I remember one night,
00:05:07
Speaker
It was the middle of the night. And of course, I was panicked in my bed and upset. And I remember you coming into my bed and just laying with me. Do you remember that? I do remember. And I wrote something that many times I wanted to throw away because I just didn't want to remember all the anxiety
00:05:33
Speaker
that I had too, but I kept it. And it was something that I wanted to speak to the doctor about, but I never did. And so I have that here in front of me. Maybe I was meant to save this, to help some others, to give them a feeling. Anyway, this is how it starts. I've been staying with Laura's family for almost nine weeks. My husband came too.
00:06:04
Speaker
when her husband had to go out of the country on business. I came initially when I received a text. And the text said, Mom, I need you. I want to give up. I'm so scared. Just Sunday morning, Laura told me and my husband that she had very dark thoughts. She didn't want to get out of bed.
00:06:34
Speaker
My husband and I encouraged her to go on a walk with me. She increased her medication to 200 milligrams for two nights now. She hasn't slept well either night, but the stomach pain is gone. Yesterday, she said that her thoughts are very slow. Last night, I slept with her since 1.30 when she was lying awake. Her husband will be back Friday. I need to get home.
00:07:03
Speaker
school starts soon I teach and I don't live close enough to commute. I need to know what to do or say if the above things happen again. I try to get her to look at the positives but she seems to focus on the negatives. She had a panic attack at a movie on Saturday. I really feel that when she's working
00:07:28
Speaker
at least she could focus on herself, could not focus on herself as much. She thinks, she says that thinking about going back to work makes her feel sick. Several times she's mentioned that maybe she just needs to live in a hospital for the rest of her life. When might temporary admittance be something to consider? I love her, but I don't have answers. And I want
00:07:57
Speaker
her to get back to being herself. I have had a couple of meltdowns myself. That was my letter that I thought I should share with the doctor but I just didn't, you know, I drove you to a lot of doctor appointments and one of them I went in, most of them I couldn't and so I just sat in the car and I would pray.
00:08:25
Speaker
Yeah, I know. I remember that you were you were just you were always there. And, you know, I think we all want to know the right thing to say, but it's not.
00:08:41
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really about the words. It's about presence and just the fact that you were there and just means the
The Importance of Support: A Mother's Reflection
00:08:53
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most to me. And I know it was hard for you. I know that seeing me in that state caused a lot of anxiety for you too.
00:09:02
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I remember dad after he came, and I guess when Justin was coming home, him saying, you know, mom has to, we have to go home because mom can't take much more of this.
00:09:17
Speaker
And I get it. I can't imagine how hard that was to see your grown daughter slip into that state. But I knew you were praying for me. I knew that you were there. And that was the most important thing.
00:09:39
Speaker
And, you know, in the morning, I would always get up before anybody else and go down in the basement and exercise. But at that time is when I would call who I call my support people, some family members that had similar experiences that, you know, I would call dad. Just to kind of give me, make me feel more capable for
00:10:07
Speaker
for handling whatever might come the next day. So I think that it's very important that people find some support people, prayer warriors that will be praying along with you because support people need help too. Oh, many people that I would talk to, you know, would recommend, oh, one of my friends recommended some tapes that had helped her when she went through a similar thing.
00:10:37
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different books and you know I would always listen to the tape or read the book before I would share it with you or even to determine whether I thought I should share it with you. But probably I needed some of the things that were said as well.
00:10:56
Speaker
So the biggest problem I think was just just not knowing what to do. And then of course, you question yourself, you know, because it seemed like I would frequently come to you and things needed to be done, little projects or whatever, because you, you know, were first born, you were very responsible, capable. And then I would say, well, probably just
00:11:25
Speaker
ask too much of her, you know, put too much pressure on her. And really, since you went through all that, I've really tried not to ask, not to just always automatically come to you and say, Oh, Laura can do it. You know, if you kind of look back and try to figure things out, too, if things may be that that I could do from this point forward to make things a little bit easier. And then not knowing, you know, how to, you know, what just
00:11:55
Speaker
how to be of help to the girls or to Justin.
Reaching Out: Seeking Additional Help
00:12:00
Speaker
I remember I wrote an email to your pastor and told him that I thought that he should talk to Justin, you know, that Justin needed somebody to talk to you about the whole situation. I don't know about
00:12:18
Speaker
I think he told me that he would. But I don't think Justin ever said anything to me about it. He probably didn't even know. I probably told the pastor that just a suggestion from me that didn't have to mention to Justin that I was the one that had contacted him. So you have concerns about everybody involved. But I knew that God was in control.
00:12:48
Speaker
I guess the thing to say to parents who are going through this now is things will get better. It's very, very scary at the time. But things like this, what you're doing to just kind of help people know that you can get through it. At the time, it seems very overwhelming.
00:13:13
Speaker
Yeah, you can't even imagine how it will get better, but it's important to know that it will. And you just have to take things one day at a time. It's really important what you said about support people needing support people.
00:13:31
Speaker
because when everything is falling on your shoulders as the one kind of carrying the family through, that's too much to take on yourself. So I'm really glad that you did that, that you were talking to people and
00:13:51
Speaker
just making sure that you were taking care of yourself at that time too. It was rough. It was rough, but I'm so thankful for your for your help. I remember
00:14:05
Speaker
So when I had Audrey, my first daughter, you had come to stay with me for a while or a few days or something. And I remember the same feeling when you left and I was left with this little baby on my own and I just cried because I was like, Oh my gosh, you know,
00:14:25
Speaker
my mom's not here and I have to do this all on my own. I remember that it was almost the same feeling when you and dad left to because you had to go back to teaching after that summer and just the same, you know,
00:14:40
Speaker
Same feeling of oh my gosh, my mom is leaving and now I have to do this on my own But if there comes a point where you have you know, I had to do that. I had to To figure out how to how to get back to life But you know, we always no matter how grown up we are we always need our moms It was hard leaving it
00:15:03
Speaker
I felt really badly. But Justin has been wonderful. So thanks, you know, and you've had a lot of support people too. What makes me feel good now is that you have built a team. And so if you start having some of these same feelings, you let your team know. And so I'm on the team, you know, I feel like more
00:15:31
Speaker
I'm one of many now, you know? So that's really a good feeling too. To know there are others also behind you and there for you.
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah, and I just want to say something to anyone who's listening.
Advice for the Unsupported: Community Resources
00:15:49
Speaker
You know, perhaps you don't have a mother and a father in your life, you know, who you can turn to. I recognize that, you know, that I was very fortunate to be able to rely on them and that they could come and stay with us. And if you don't have that same
00:16:12
Speaker
help in your life. I just want to encourage you to keep reaching out and keep asking other people in your life because there is help available. So if you don't have a close family member, you know, talk to a friend, talk to your church, talk to your pastor, reach out to different community organizations,
00:16:37
Speaker
to get the help that you need because it is something that you just can't do it, can't do it on your own. So mom, what would you, how would you like to end this interview?
00:16:55
Speaker
What's the biggest lesson that you have learned through this journey? Well, that life happens. You know, you just, whatever happens, you just have to face it and reach out to others. But most of all, put your life and your child's lives in God's hands. Because he, I would say, is probably my biggest support.
00:17:25
Speaker
just knowing even when I'm not with you that he is, you know, and with your girls and with Justin that God is peace, God is hope, God is love. And he's there with us in the midst of all of our struggles. And we will all have struggles.
00:17:47
Speaker
Yes. And you always reminded me of that. You were constantly pointing me to God during that time and still today. So thank you for that. I want to just remind the listeners about this season's podcast sponsor.
Podcast Sponsor: Benefits of CBD Oil
00:18:04
Speaker
Cindy Jenks, an ambassador with Q Sciences, and I shared a little bit about the latest product from Q Sciences that I've been taking, and that is the Fuse, which is the hemp and CBD oil. And I just want to again say how much it really helps me on days when I'm just more overwhelmed than
00:18:29
Speaker
I am normally I'll just put a dropper full of that under my tongue and it's kind of like just a relaxation not like a medicated feeling but just a natural relaxation like my body's relaxation response can just
00:18:46
Speaker
happen in a way that was hard for it to happen before. So I'd encourage you to go to myqwellness.com and check out that product. It is just a great thing to have in the refrigerator, kind of as needed, a natural way to help your body relax when you're under a time of stress. And you can always contact Cindy at Cindy
00:19:12
Speaker
at myqwellness.com and she can answer all your questions that you have about it as well. But it's just been a really helpful tool for me to have in my toolbox as I continue to figure out how to seek the still and the chaos of this life. Mom, thank you for letting me ask you some questions and thank you for sharing that note that you wrote. I think you were saving it for just this time and hopefully that will really help somebody. You're welcome. I love you.
00:19:42
Speaker
I love you too. And I'm going to leave our listeners with a quote, as we always do. And this one is one of my favorite songs. I'm going to read the last verse. It's by The Beatles. And it's special to me because it mentions my mother's name.
Closing Message: 'Let It Be' Quote
00:20:01
Speaker
It's from the song, Let It Be. And the final verse says,
00:20:06
Speaker
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shining until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music. Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. Let it be. Be still.