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Minisode: Wrestling with Paintings, and Self-Doubt as an Identity
30 Plays4 days ago
In this minisode, I share an update on my intuitive art class, my no-good-dirty-rotten acrylic painting I'm wrestling with, and the revelation that I identify a little too strongly with my own self-doubt.
May my ongoing, uncertain journey be a hand for you to hold along your own ongoing, uncertain journey. We've got this!
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Transcript
Intro
Introduction to Ugly Podcast Minisodes
00:00:39
Lore Alexander
Hello everybody! Welcome back to the Ugly Podcast, the mini-sode. It's just me. Hi. I'm Lore. I am your Ugly Art Weirdo.
Connecting with the Audience
00:00:51
Lore Alexander
Today i wearing a hat and ah I reject my mortal gender t-shirt. It's one of my favorites. um And I'm here with the Minisode today. So like I mentioned in the last Minisode, if you didn't listen to it, that's fine. I'm trying out these Minisodes as a way to kind of touch base with you, ah and just myself really about where I'm at in my own creative journey. i have been really stuck in this kind of facilitator coach mindset where as a perfectionist myself, that ends up making me feel like I have to have all the answers for my audience.
Exploring Intuitive Painting
00:01:32
Lore Alexander
And I very much don't, and I'm still fumbling my way through
00:01:38
Lore Alexander
um this creative space uh both as a facilitator and as an artist so uh yeah this is this is the second minisode with just me and i'm just gonna kind of give you a rundown of what i've been doing since the last month um i started an intuitive painting class on fridays um and here in tacoma it's taking place at the center for spiritual living And it's been really good so far. The two sessions that I went to have been really nice.
00:02:16
Lore Alexander
Very similar to just what I do normally with my own kind of ugly art practice, but trying really hard not to focus on putting the label ugly on there and just allowing things to flow out.
00:02:32
Lore Alexander
Wondering when a painting is done and listening to your intuition when the painting is done. So that's been interesting. Something that like I've learned to do a little bit with my feelings paintings and just kind of just, you know, feeling it out when something feels done.
00:02:51
Lore Alexander
But especially as I start to do larger works, larger paintings, I'm a little unfamiliar with how to know when it's done how to how to do it in the first place. So
Challenges with Acrylic Painting
00:03:07
Lore Alexander
that's also been the second thing that I've been doing is working on a larger painting. It's like 24 by 36, I think, on a canvas doing acrylic. And acrylic is new for me.
00:03:19
Lore Alexander
um I don't love it. i don't love it. it's It's not fun so far. ah Every time I have added to the canvas, I have hated it a little more.
00:03:36
Lore Alexander
but I'm kind of just allowing this to be the process of just painting and not really liking what's going on and seeing what's there.
00:03:49
Lore Alexander
in that space, in that emotional space, in that creative space. um So that's been what I've been doing in my free time is working on the larger acrylic piece. And I am honestly, I'm just proud that I started it in the first place because I have had, you know, this intention to start exploring acrylics and trying to translate some of my like feelings, paintings,
00:04:17
Lore Alexander
into an acrylic space and onto a canvas rather than watercolor. And so far has not been going well. Granted, I don't think I'm really setting myself up for success. My feelings paintings are tiny. They're they ah like little three by four or whatever, ah little squares of watercolor, rectangles of watercolor paper. And I went, I just jumped straight to huge canvas. Paint your feelings, Lore. And I don't know if that was the smartest route to go, but that's the route that I went with. um I did also, because I had this revelation, I picked up some smaller canvases,
00:05:02
Lore Alexander
to play around with. So that will be kind of ah my next iteration as I continue on the larger canvas and just exploring this feeling of truly hating and wrestling with this painting, painting over it. And it's it's truly a different painting every single time i start and stop. It is a completely different thing with you know, layers layers upon layers of random stuff that is totally unrelated and not cohesive at all. But I guess that's just kind of my art style. So i think what I'm wrestling with is like, how do you know what is your art style versus what are you like learning? So i don't know if, you know, the smaller pieces are really just where I shine and where I'm comfortable and where I want to live.
00:05:54
Lore Alexander
And then if the big pieces are... Like, that's what I'm learning, right? um So I'm hoping that I start to... You know, ah with with time, i will see, I guess.
00:06:08
Lore Alexander
I don't know. ah So those are kind of my, what I've been doing this month. I will say I've been feeling, at least today especially, I made quite a bit of art today. i woke up and I made some art with my partner. And then I came home and I made some more art by myself.
00:06:27
Lore Alexander
And it was kind of a mixed bag of stuff that i kind of liked, kind of didn't like, but a lot of it, again, just feels this, there's a disjointedness to my art that is bothering me.
00:06:40
Lore Alexander
um Again, probably, you know, perfectionist thinking that all or nothing is that I have to have a specific style. um
Opportunity for an Art Show
00:06:48
Lore Alexander
i also have, i I met up with Somebody in the in the community, in the Spaceworks community, who and we're talking about maybe doing a show together, an art putting an art show on together. And that is a really exciting prospect.
00:07:04
Lore Alexander
But my God, has my inner critic been like screaming at me in the background. Like, what are you doing? you don't. You are not going to be able to do an like an art show. What are you thinking? So that's the inner critic. And, you know, i know inner critic's just scared shitless of this whole experience. So I'm trying to give myself a lot of grace there as um as I would encourage other people as well. um
00:07:37
Lore Alexander
Truly right now I am coaching myself through practice. A lot of stuff that's just coming back up as I start to try new things. Because when I first started doing ugly art and putting myself out there and working on this perfectionism stuff, I was feeling really good and just so excited that had that I had like broken down and pushed through these walls that I had put up for myself. And I was just like, I did it, I fixed it. Like i went, I pushed through the walls and i I got past the perfectionism. Like I'm healed, you know, kind of that kind of mindset. And i know that that's not how this works.
00:08:22
Lore Alexander
It doesn't matter how much you know it. It's still disappointing when the when the maladaptive aspects of your perfectionism come back to you. And you're like, okay, we're back here again. We're back in this maladaptive space.
00:08:36
Lore Alexander
What now? um But it's not a circle. You're not just like you're not on a carousel just revisiting the same spot over and over again. it is a spiral.
00:08:47
Lore Alexander
i can't remember where like the first time I heard the the spiral. um kind of metaphor. um Thinking of words is hard today.
00:09:00
Lore Alexander
But that that idea that like you're on a spiral, you're moving, you're repeating cycles, yes, and you have more knowledge, you have you're in a different space. So I'm on the spiral, I'm in a so i'm in a i mean a place on the spiral that is a bit frustrating because I feel like I've been here before and I should be past this by now. um But that's not how this whole thing works. It's just not. And so we we allow we allow those crunchy feelings of disappointment and frustration while at the same time continuing to just put one foot in front of the other Wrestle with the painting that's giving you grief.
00:09:46
Lore Alexander
Continue to show up for your regular practice. um Do the thing that's comforting and comfortable for you. And also try to
Overcoming Self-Doubt
00:09:54
Lore Alexander
like take those baby steps out of your comfort zone to try the new thing.
00:10:00
Lore Alexander
That's kind of, that's where I'm at right now. um I also, one of the thoughts that I had that I wanted to explore and see if this resonates with anybody is this issue of self-doubt being part of the comfort zone.
00:10:19
Lore Alexander
So... It's so easy to, you know, you keep reliving those thought patterns of, you know, you know, oh, no, I'm not an artist. I'm not good enough. um I don't measure up to those people like those people are out of my league. So I'm I will never be an artist like that.
00:10:40
Lore Alexander
That kind of the doubt and self-doubt there, like, it has become, I've noticed, a comfort zone for me to the point where I will notice myself, even though I don't really even feel...
00:10:58
Lore Alexander
self-doubt in the moment, I will feel myself thinking I should feel self-doubt and maybe self-doubt might feel better, which is silly. i don't I don't know. Maybe I'm not explaining it well enough, but it feels like an identity at this point. Self-doubt has become an identity for me that I am working on shedding. I don't need to talk myself down in front of other people. I don't need to dismiss the achievements that I've made. I can just be where I am and allow myself to be where I am, which is so much farther than I was even two years ago, a year ago.
00:11:46
Lore Alexander
but Yeah, doubting myself is like an identity that feels safe to me. And the idea of being, you know, proud and confident feels like that's not me, though.
00:12:00
Lore Alexander
Even though those are just characteristics. that I do inhabit from time to time, there's a voice in my head that's saying that's like not who I am and that makes me sad.
00:12:14
Lore Alexander
It makes me sad and it makes me wonder what it is about that identity that feels safe and you know maybe it's the the belief that kind of was ingrained in me from family values of like, you know, don't be too full of yourself.
00:12:31
Lore Alexander
ah Don't be braggadocious. I remember one time somebody gave me a compliment. I was at dinner with my grandparents and I, someone gave me a compliment, said I looked like, they said I was beautiful and looked like some actress or whatever. um You know, something that I, oh my gosh, I'm doing it right now. In my head, I'm like,
00:12:57
Lore Alexander
you don't You don't even look like that person. So it was a stupid comment to begin with. I'm going to zip my lips. Okay. So this person gave me a very nice compliment.
00:13:08
Lore Alexander
And my grandpa, you know, like I smiled and I said, thank you. It was a really nice thing. And my grandpa was just like, don't, don't let that go to your head. Like, don't, don't take that personally.
00:13:22
Lore Alexander
And it was just like, oh, it just like felt so unfortunate where like, you know, you get a compliment and you get that like boost in ego. And then somebody is just like, you can't feel that. That's not for you to feel. ah That's just that deflation.
00:13:40
Lore Alexander
sucks. And I got a lot of those messages growing up that, you know, compliments and thinking highly of yourself meant that you were a bad person or, you know, and I think that over time, that self-doubt and just general, like, feelings of being small or unimportant or not good at things um just really ingrained itself into me
00:14:11
Lore Alexander
And so I'm just trying to pay attention to that. um Especially with, you know, this possibility of doing my first art show. That voice is definitely very strong and it wants to keep showing up and like,
00:14:27
Lore Alexander
putting myself down and like, uh, not even, not even to the, not even in a mean way, but like in a like humble way, I guess like it wants to just like dismiss any compliments or any like of those kinds of thoughts that I would be an artist or have, you know, good artistic instinct or whatever. um I, I just,
00:14:53
Lore Alexander
keep wanting to talk myself down. So trying to really hard to pay attention to that and not allow that self-doubt to remain an identity and just have that be like a characteristic that I have from time to time um and also not a place that I need to live. So ah confidence and...
00:15:16
Lore Alexander
I don't know if pride is the right word, but definitely like confidence in my work and in how far I've come and in what I'm able to do and challenge myself to do. ah Yeah, that's that's ah I think that's that so those are the things um that are going on this this month. That's where I'm at.
Engaging the Audience
00:15:37
Lore Alexander
I would love to know where you're at, if there's anything that you are struggling with right now or things you...
00:15:46
Lore Alexander
would like to just have somebody to talk to about, please shoot me an email or, you know, yeah, no email's great. Email's great. Substack is great. um Yeah. My email is lore at scribeandsunshine.com. I'll have it in the show notes. I mean, you can find it on my website, scribeandsunshine. And remember that I have um junk journaling here in Tacoma at the second Tuesday.
00:16:15
Lore Alexander
of every month. No, sorry, second Wednesday of every month. So the next one is December 10th. And I've got Come As You Art the third Thursday of every month.
00:16:27
Lore Alexander
I am still going to be doing things at the Tacoma Night Market. My feelings paintings are up there. And I will probably be doing a community art project there soon. And yeah, I hope you're doing well. I would love to be in touch and see how you're doing. And if not, I hope that this helps you feel a little less alone in wherever your mind is at right now. And
Purpose of Minisodes
00:16:53
Lore Alexander
again, maybe this needs to be like the...
00:16:57
Lore Alexander
I'll have to make a note about making this like the intro for minisodes, but like the, these episodes, these minisodes where I'm kind of talking about like things that I'm struggling with or wondering about or whatever, they are not like, this isn't a place where I'm looking for advice.
00:17:14
Lore Alexander
i don't I don't want advice right now. If I ever do want advice, I will let you know. But these are this is just kind of a place for me to talk about what I'm exploring, where I'm at, and for you to see what this process looks like for somebody who is a self-described perfectionist who struggles with perfectionism um and struggles with the process, just I really want the process to be
00:17:46
Lore Alexander
straightforward and it is not. It never is. it drives me nuts. But I still keep going because I know that it's worth it. So that is my whole thing. It's just I want these mini-sodes to encourage you along the path that is frustrating and we can do it anyway.
00:18:04
Lore Alexander
So um if that's you, great. If that's not you, then maybe these mini-sodes for you. But um whoever you are, I hope your art is fulfilling you and inspiring you and you're being inspired by the people around you and that's all okay keep it ugly