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Minisode: Still Making and Being a Mess
36 Plays10 days ago
Sharing what's new. And what's new is still hard and a bit of a mess. Carving one's own path can be lonely, confusing, and full of heartbreak. But my art is still here with me. Join me as I share what I'm up to and hopefully feel reassured if you too have no clue what you're doing.
References:
"One at a Time" AKA the Feelings Wheel
Angela Wales Intuitive Art
Dance Church
Beverly Naidus
Artist Roundtable at Tacoma Night Market
Love in a Fucked Up World by Dean Spade
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:01
Speaker
hello Welcome back to the Ugly Podcast. I am your host, Laura Alexander. It's been a hot minute because I have been burnt out on so many things. um But I wanted to check in and talk about what I'm exploring right now in my creative life because that's what I wanted these minisodes to be. so this is a minisode, by the way. Ugly Podcast minisode. So the purpose of these minisodes is going to be for...
00:00:31
Speaker
me to share with you what I'm exploring in my own creative practice, kind of in this same vein of ugly art and more less so the art itself being ugly and more so the process being ugly, i
Personal Growth and Art as Therapy
00:00:52
Speaker
guess. And I think the acceptance of imperfection throughout life, I think is really what I'm integrating at this point.
00:01:07
Speaker
um Yeah. so I've learned, if you've been following along with this journey, if you've you know been with me from the start of the Ugly Podcast or even within the past like couple years, you know that I've grown and changed a lot.
00:01:25
Speaker
In that time, i wasn't i I wasn't out when I first started this podcast. So this podcast has seen me kind of enter my gender journey, ah expand my gender journey, come upon my sexual journey. um And obviously I haven't gone into detail about that part. But you've at least heard that I have a girlfriend. you know A lot of changes in my life.
00:01:55
Speaker
In the past few years. And I'm still running on the same nervous system. ah The same nervous system that literally thinks I'm dying. All the time. And...
00:02:07
Speaker
It's been my goal, I guess it's been my work to kind of continue using my art as a place for nervous system reset and rest and like recommitting to what I'm doing, recommitting to this life that I'm living, recommitting to my community and my relationships, recommitting to myself and just seeing what's new and what arises. And it's...
00:02:37
Speaker
It's kind of a mess, if I'm honest. It's nothing like the life that I came from and was comfortable with.
00:02:48
Speaker
And i also don't think that that's bad. i just think that it's a lot. And so I'm going to a lot of therapy right now. I was in the hospital in December you know,
00:03:01
Speaker
you know yeah I had to go to the Grippies. I had to go to Camp Grippy Socks, you know. um And that was ah ah weird. But I'm, you know, I'm doing a lot better now. And I'm at least...
Themes of Belonging and Self-Worth
00:03:20
Speaker
figuring it out. And so I wanted to just share what all I'm up to, ah what's going on, and what what might be helpful for you in your journey. I don't know.
00:03:33
Speaker
So basically the things that I'm tending to are like this feeling of belonging. um What even is it? And why do we keep looking for it externally?
00:03:46
Speaker
Don't know. ah But it Yeah, it's a tender, deep, tender ah part of ourselves, a part of myself for sure, that just never quite thinks that I'm good enough, never quite thinks that I'm like worthy of a situation or a person or a ah thing that's happening in my life. So I'm tending to that and I'm doing parts work in therapy, really looking to integrate all of this stuff that I've learned over the last like five years.
00:04:17
Speaker
about, you know, letting go of perfectionism, existing, being myself, coming home into my own skin, allowing myself to show up in ways that are ugly or you know, insert negative judgment here.
00:04:34
Speaker
What are those parts of me that I are like those shadow parts, I suppose, which is kind of where I'm i'm at right now is like, how can ugly art like assist with our shadow work and self-acceptance that's kind of the the waters that I'm swimming in right now and uh yeah otherwise just like cultivating a psychic space for myself of just like space to process and sit and be and finding safety and presence uh so that's kind of what I'm working on now uh but some just updates on my like
00:05:08
Speaker
art life
Art Show Experience and Community Connection
00:05:09
Speaker
and stuff. I had my first art show a couple months ago. That was very exciting. I think the last mini-sode, I may have like mentioned that it was something that was on the horizon, but it hadn't happened yet. So yeah, the three months from like booking the show or scheduling the show to Completing the art project, it three months, I created 130 of my little feelings paintings, of various sizes, to coincide with the feelings wheel.
00:05:42
Speaker
um And I have a whole webpage about this on my website. You can just go to scribeandsunshine.com and find the tab that says Feelings Wheel ah and see. There's pictures, there's you know information on the concept, but it ended up being really freaking cool. and um You know, Zoe, my partner, helps me 3D print a bunch of stands for it so that not only are these circles kind of on a wheel and there's like 130 of them, but they're also kind of coming out at you. not kind of They're also coming out at you and they're tilted so that it's this parabolic shape.
00:06:19
Speaker
And it's like a biblically accurate feelings attack and it's great and I love it. And people had some really cool fun things to say about it at the show. And it was really a really wonderful experience to have something in my head come out of my head and then actually take it and ah display it and have people see it and comment upon it and talk to me about it and have questions. And it was just it was really neat. It felt really special And it's something that I i would recommend. Like, if you're if you're an artist and you... If you have a hard time calling yourself an artist, let's be honest, like, who am I talking to? Like, if you like this podcast, if you're friends, like, if you know me or you're friends with me or you follow me, you are probably somebody who's like, yes, I like this and also not me. You know, it's the idea of, like, i
00:07:15
Speaker
believe, yes, that everyone can be artists, but I don't really um apply that to myself. So if you if that's you or you're anywhere on that spectrum of like, you know, early artist to immediately you're more advanced or whatever, but you're thinking about like you want to start getting your work out there.
00:07:35
Speaker
um Highly recommend doing a little show. And I know that's like probably that's probably a very privileged thing to say. I guess I'll say like.
00:07:45
Speaker
Find one talk to as many people as you can and like tell people that that's something you're interested in doing because people want to help you do that. So like as soon as I met Elizabeth Derosier who is one of the artists that I did the show with she and I were both just like hey we both wanted to put a show on and she was like yes, we both want this. Let's do it. Or, like, keep it in our heads and, like, keep talking about it. And then we met, ah like, we talked Liz talked to Ashley Laffer, who's the other artist that we did the show with. And, like, the three of us kept talking about it. We kept, like, drawing up ideas. And then
00:08:25
Speaker
You just if you keep talking to people, i know it's embarrassing. I get it. It sucks. It's like, oh, no, I have desires. Yeah, you do. And you have like something you want to share and a feeling you want to share.
00:08:37
Speaker
That's cool. I know it's embarrassing, but it's cool. So um keep talking to people about it and just see where that gets you, because then we met Antonio.
00:08:48
Speaker
i mean, I had met Antonio somewhere else and then Liz met Antonio and then um You know, he has artsy creative space here in Tacoma. And so then we got we all got together, just kept talking about how we can make this show better. And it just it all came together because we were all just like, yeah, we're committed to this. We're we want this. Let's do it. And people just kept wanting to, like, help. And so.
00:09:15
Speaker
just fuck yeah it's it's great um it was really lovely um cannot recommend enough like exploring putting on your own small little art show um it doesn't need to be anything big it could be for your friends and family i'm just like i have feelings to come look at them you know which i feel like essentially what i did was like i have a lot of feelings here they are And that's kind of that's just been that's my style now, I guess.
00:09:41
Speaker
But from that, I have somebody who has offered to potentially put some of my paintings out on consignment. So there's just like some fun, fun little things happening um and just kind of goes to show at least I guess the thing that I'm taking away from it and the thing that i want to encourage others is like.
00:10:02
Speaker
Like one, you your art doesn't need to be your job for sure. um And in fact, it probably shouldn't be. um And if you keep at your art and you keep, you know, saying, yes, I want to share this and yes, I want to put this out there.
00:10:20
Speaker
Somebody might want to
Creativity, Community, and Opportunities
00:10:22
Speaker
pay you for it. Like someone might want to. You never know. People like all kinds of things and people will pay for all for all kinds of things. um And so, you know, the more that you create and the more that you keep connecting that creativity to others and to your community, to the outside world, things will happen.
00:10:45
Speaker
And and I think that's cool. So that's kind of the update on that. Oh, and I guess the thing with the feelings wheel. So it's four feet wide in diameter. ah Just a huge wheel that can be – you can turn it. But I am – I'm in the process of sending out, like, invitations and inquiries to therapist offices, hospitals,
00:11:12
Speaker
ah other places that might be interested in hosting the wheel in their space. um and So if you know of anybody who might be interested in the greater Seattle area, because like I'm not going ship it, that's not going to happen. um But I will drive it somewhere. um But let me know.
00:11:36
Speaker
And we'll we'll talk about, you know, pricing and timing and whatnot. But I'm trying to get kind of a list of people who are interested in hosting the the piece to rent it out and have it on display for their clients or for their community or whatever.
Integration and Emotional Healing through Art
00:11:53
Speaker
And then my I wanted to kind of just share some of my other like creative experiences that I'm exploring right now because the show's over so now that the show's over I'm like well what do I do now kind of that little I'm not not totally sure what my focus is going to be right now um but I know that I'm working through like I mentioned at the top of the episode I'm working through a lot of like that integration that like nervous system care and also like grief and other things as relationships change and um figuring out my my place in community, my desires, the paradigms I want to live in. It's a whole thing.
00:12:40
Speaker
um And so while I'm exploring all of that, I'm using art to kind of help
00:12:50
Speaker
process and integrate and feel all of all of what that means. So I have been doing a lot of ah meditative painting, which again, if you listen to the last mini-sode way, way back, um I had just been starting an intuitive painting class um with Angela.
00:13:13
Speaker
oh no, I forgot her last name. I will have it in the show notes. um But Yeah, so intuitive painting here in Tacoma. I did, I think it was four weeks of that. And it was really, really lovely.
00:13:27
Speaker
Starting off the class being very wary of what I was making and very nervous because I was in a class with um several older women who, you know, as a queer person, i don't know how much of myself to show in those classes.
00:13:50
Speaker
environments. i'm just I'm just on high alert, I suppose, in um in a room full of old ladies. ah ah You know, and just not knowing... Not knowing. And not feeling safe, I suppose.
00:14:05
Speaker
So, not that they werent said anything or did anything, it's just kind of a, like, you don't know you're safe until someone says something, and you're like, oh, okay, I'm good. um So anyway, so just some...
00:14:18
Speaker
nervousness And anyway, so over the course of the four classes, you know, each time kind of shedding off another layer of that self-consciousness.
00:14:31
Speaker
and shedding off another layer of like, oh, I don't need to hide this part of me. I don't need to shove this part of me down. And so then like by the last class, you know, I'm i'm painting this like large, ah large painting of like vulvas and which is actually pretty similar to this painting that's back here, which I didn't do. That was somebody else that I I just saw it and i was like, yes, I would like to buy that, please. um But, you know ah you know, I'm kind of drawing something similar and just like really enjoying playing with the the shape and the sensuality of vulvas and just feeling a little more comfortable to do that and to be like,
00:15:16
Speaker
Yeah, yeah this is this is who I am and what I'm doing at the moment. And here we go. Like, I'm not going to worry about what these what these people think of me. And then, of course, you know, it was lovely at the end of it. Everybody's like giggling and laughing. And it's just like, oh, yeah, they're all sharing about the the other...
00:15:34
Speaker
the other art classes that they've been to that everyone jokes about like oh when is the first penis gonna get drawn you know it's just like okay this is like normal and fine and like sex is actually very well integrated into the art space and you don't actually have to be quite so worried about like hiding who you are so yeah so that was a really lovely experience so I've been doing a little bit more of that in my own space, starting off with some like meditative dancing and getting into my
Exploring Dance and Voice for Healing
00:16:05
Speaker
skin. And also just dancing in general has been really good for me lately, just really in terms of releasing and like treating it as kind of a a ritual, as like ah a shedding, a shaking, a like, yeah, just getting stuff out of my body and moving the energy because there is a lot of stagnant energy and just things in my body that want to like clench and control and have all the answers and like fix. And I'm just like, honey, baby, you got release it. And so then i I dance around like a maniac and it's lovely and it's been really great.
00:16:40
Speaker
And then after i do that, I've been doing the meditative painting along that same style from the class that I did. And that's been really, really nice. um I really want to do bigger things, like really being able to use my whole body in like a painting movement.
00:16:59
Speaker
But I just don't really have the space for that at the moment. so We'll see. That's kind of on the... It's in the noggin. um My feelings paintings have continued. I'm kind of thinking of them more of like internal landscapes now. Not so much like what am I feeling right this moment, but like what does my inner world look like right now?
00:17:20
Speaker
ah And it's... and You know, they're not like that much different, I suppose. But when I'm thinking of just like one specific feeling, sometimes it's not like interacting with another feeling and like...
00:17:31
Speaker
When you're thinking of your greater greater inner landscape, there's a lot going on than just like the one feeling. You have like the one feeling and then you have the thoughts about the feeling and then you have the feelings about the feeling and then it's...
00:17:45
Speaker
And so it's just like kind of putting all of that into a painting. hasn't been making them maybe a little more like complex and interesting. So that's been fun. um What else have I been doing? I have also been doing my voice, continuing my voice lessons. I've been doing those for several months now, quite a while. And I've continued to really love those. I think singing...
00:18:11
Speaker
singing has been really lovely. um again, in terms of like nervous system care and also like opening up that like throat chakra, just like, I tend to clam up and stay silent a lot. Um, and so singing has been a really good way to just release a lot of that. And I have a really great, um, singing teacher, voice lessons teacher who, is ah whenever, especially if I'm having like a really hard day um she's really good about being like, okay, well, why don't we just like do these like voice exercises that are really just like really reverberate those muscles and just like loosen them up. And it's like, we're not even going to worry about the song that we're working on. We're just going to like loosen up whatever is there. And it's like, yeah, hell yeah. This is great.
00:19:04
Speaker
um And then a couple, few weeks ago, I went to something called Dance Church up in Seattle. And that was really fun. um Just, it was a, it was like loosely led dance.
00:19:18
Speaker
it It was pretty guided, it was guided but pretty very loose, like encouraging people to just like kind of loosen up. And ah yeah, it was like an hour and a half, I want to say, of of like ecstatic dancing.
00:19:33
Speaker
And that was very fun. I love, i yeah, I love this, like the letting go, feeling into your body. I mean, I already said that's what I've been doing in my before my meditative painting. So it's just, it's also integrated our bodies and our minds and how we like feel. It's wild. Having a body is weird. I don't know that I was meant to exist in this form.
00:19:59
Speaker
feel like I do a lot better as goo or like not having a central nervous system. um i i would thrive a lot better as a pile of goo.
Art in Community Healing and Mutual Aid
00:20:08
Speaker
But alas, i I have a bunch of meat and bones and nerves ah that...
00:20:16
Speaker
and haven't caught on yet. So we're working with those and we're taking care of those as ah we go. And then another really cool thing that I did was, went to Beverly Natus is a Tacoma artist and teacher, who was putting on a series called art is mutual aid and just showing just different ways that art can be used to,
00:20:45
Speaker
encourage change to ah release and promote healing and community care. it was really, really beautiful. And we used that time to kind of think about what projects we have in our minds for how we want our art to be mutual aid.
00:21:06
Speaker
And so, you know, it's on my mind of like, you know, there's a project in front of our house that I want to make sure we do. um as we're doing a bunch of like yard projects, setting up a little free art library that also has like a little pantry in the front. So that's I have that project in mind. And then I'm also doing like my artist space at the At the Tacoma Night Market, the first Friday of every month, we're doing kind of artist gatherings. Right now we're calling it an artist roundtable just because i don't we don't haven't really come up with another name yet for it. But it has just been a space for artists to come and bring a project if you'd like. um Or just bring your woes. or Bring a snack. Come at your own capacity and hopefully leave with a little bit more...
00:21:59
Speaker
um A little bit more in your cup, whether that's from the social interaction or it's, you know, from the ah the art that you made, the inspiration that you got or the care that you received. Hopefully you got something ah from coming to the the first Friday event. And so far we've had some like really good responses to that of just like people coming be like, I didn't know what to expect, but this was really lovely and exactly what I needed. And I'm like, yes, that is what I want to hear. So, cause I also don't exactly know what I want out of that space, but like,
00:22:40
Speaker
I know that the Tacoma Night Market is a really beautiful building that Leah has put so much care into. and it is such a beautiful space of inspiration and color and art and silliness and jokes and family and love. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. And so if we can, you know, use that space to give any kind of inspiration or any kind of like comfort, joy to our fellow artists who aren't sure what to do with themselves, or maybe they're stuck, or they're just needing a little bit of care, then that's what we want to do.
00:23:22
Speaker
So yeah, so that's been, that's good. We didn't have it this month because I was ah visiting my partner's family in Arizona. So I was out of town and Leah also had some family things that night. So We had to cancel this month, but we will be starting that up again June, the first Friday of June. So keep an eye out for that.
00:23:46
Speaker
So my takeaway for you all from this is um I am continuing to show up and continuing to make my art And i hope that you are too. I hope that even if you are feeling like you don't know what you're doing, maybe you're in a space of transformation, you're in that cocoon and you're just a pile of goo and you don't actually want to like show up or um do the things that ah you know are like good and part of your transformation, but like,
00:24:21
Speaker
o you know, you don't really want to show up feeling like a mess or feeling like you might be judged for what you're going through or whatever.
Embracing Messiness and Transformation
00:24:30
Speaker
i guess that's what I am hoping me doing this is like prompting. Cause like, i know I just said like all this stuff that I'm doing, but truly I, i'm burnt out.
00:24:48
Speaker
I'm so tired. But there's, like, something here, you know, that I'm exploring that I'm, like, yeah, I'm tired and i don't feel like I'm done yet. And so that's that's the space that I'm in and, like, you know, finding care, finding rest along the way, finding presence and all that good stuff.
00:25:17
Speaker
And...
00:25:22
Speaker
I just, I hope that we can all continue to show up. And one of the books that I'm reading is Love in a Fucked Up World by Dean Spade. And so much of that is really ringing true to me right now of just...
00:25:39
Speaker
feeling like this world is such a mess and we are all so imperfect and we all bring so much of our own baggage to systems, to relationships, to communities, to friendships, to family. And I have this deep desire to make it all make sense and And I know that I can't.
00:26:07
Speaker
um But what I can do is care for myself and care for the people that I love and keep making stuff that helps me feel a little bit more alive and a little bit more at peace.
00:26:29
Speaker
and hope that that also translates to the people who are listening to me. I hope that my art and my experience
00:26:43
Speaker
just opens a door for you or like cracks a window.
Conclusion and Encouragement
00:26:48
Speaker
So with that, Thank you for listening. This has been The Ugly Podcast. I have been your host, Laura Alexander, and I will be back.
00:27:00
Speaker
I don't know when. This podcast is very regular now. But... Yeah. Keep making art. Keep making things that are ugly. Keep showing up.
00:27:12
Speaker
Let yourself be ugly. Let yourself be a mess. And ah know that you're all so worthy and wonderful of ah of all the of all the good stuff that comes with the mess. Because good stuff comes with mess. I don't know if you know this, but when your life is a mess, there's also some really good stuff in there. Like really juicy, great stuff.
00:27:38
Speaker
You just have to like look for it. But it's great. And it's terrible. Okay, bye.