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Episode 47: Am I the Asshole?
74 Plays11 months ago
Amy and Janessa work their way through some illness related posts from the 'Am I the Asshole?' Reddit thread - it's a lot fun!
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Wounded Healers podcast.
00:00:09
Speaker
I'm Janessa. And I'm Amy. we were brought together by our shared wound of an autoimmune condition in our early 20s. This is a place where we explore our wounds with our listeners and guests who recognize the challenges of being human in hopes of helping all of us let the light in. Hi everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Wounded Healers podcast. I'm Aimee and I'm here with my co-host Janessa.
00:00:37
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome back. We're excited to be back for another episode today. Yeah, we've we've like delved into the ah the darkest places of our mind to pull together another very obscure topic that we think you're going to enjoy.
00:00:54
Speaker
yeah We hope you like it. We're sure it will be filled with laughter and great contemplation, so that'll be good. Yeah. I need to know how people do chronic illness podcasts for like 17 years. I'm like, how do you keep coming up with topics?
00:01:11
Speaker
I mean, how do you do it without getting yourself stuck in a box of just looking at that lens for your life, you know? Yeah. So yeah, hats off to them. Yeah, we'll keep. Well, yeah, we'll figure out maybe. Check back in 17 years time. I'm like, you know how it's going. I'm just a girl. I'm just trying.
Space Exploration: Humor and Insights
00:01:33
Speaker
Well, yeah, today's episode is pretty exciting. But first, we do have a hotter not today.
00:01:40
Speaker
Amy, do you want to tell them what our hot or not is? Yeah, we are going to do the most random hot or not. And it's going to be space exploration. Hot or not?
00:01:53
Speaker
Yeah, um this came to be because we were just discussing. I got really into a Nat Geo um documentary on the Space Station, the International Space Station. Blew my freaking mind. And then Amy was like, idea, what if? um So yeah, so after watching that documentary, I have no qualifications to tell you whether it's hot or not, but I am going to. yeah um What I learned briefly on this documentary is that um there is a lot of space junk, they call it, which I didn't know.
00:02:26
Speaker
um So every time we like send satellites up that are like dead satellites, we're no longer using them. um It costs a ton of money for us to bring them back down. oh go and We haven't formulated ways to bring everything down that we've put up. oh like um So the international spacecraft has to avoid any collision with a number of things being meteoroids, being ah flakes of space dust, or just space junk. so But the biggest thing they have to avoid is all the man-made shit in outer space that if it hits at the velocity they're traveling will just tear through their station.
00:03:01
Speaker
um which is fucking terrifying. Also, fun fact, the International Space Station is orbiting the Earth every 10 minutes they orbit the whole Earth. Wow, I didn't realize it was that frequent. Yeah, it's that frequent. And the craziest part is if you're an astronaut, you can't actually physically tell because in a car you don't feel your speed necessarily, but you will feel like some vibration and what will give away your speed is what you're seeing out the window. So you'll see trees, you'll see things pass.
00:03:30
Speaker
So you have the visual, but in space there's not a visual. It's just dark. So the way that they can tell is there's this, um, there's multiple windows that look down on earth, but they can watch earth and see like the Pacific ocean go away and then like see new countries come up and it all happens really fast. And that's how they can tell, um, you know, whether on their end that they're really moving fast. Wow. this This is a little bit like us being in an airplane as well, isn't it?
00:03:57
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Yes. that is could Could it be more classic that we as mankind started shooting things into space with no plan for how we'd get them back down?
00:04:11
Speaker
With none. the Yeah, we're like, well, we'll get there. We're like, we already trashed our planet. Let's trash everything else. That sounds good. Yeah, that it doesn't surprise me, sadly. But that's really quite disgusting. and And I guess on a positive note, maybe, is that in the International Space Station,
00:04:34
Speaker
It is international. So there's different countries. So we have like Russia, we have Japan, the US up there. Those were the main ones they talked about. So I'm sure there's other countries. I'm sorry if I'm not representing you and you're listening, but just know I know you're up there. ah But certain countries are not. And the crazy thing is what's hopeful is these are all interconnected.
00:04:52
Speaker
sections that come together in the space station and You can go through any of them if you're an astronaut. So there's no restriction There's no passport in space and these people actually coexist really well up in space. So yeah, there's yeah, it's really amazing It's like okay seeming like Russians are on the same space station as the Americans are so they both come up in separate space stations that are designed to connect and um like lock and seal out so that they can put oxygen through the station and so they all are locked into each other so they all can float into each other's labs and it's a bunch of science labs they're all doing experiments so people are friends up there because what are you gonna fucking do you live in a yeah thing that's only like
00:05:38
Speaker
five bedrooms. yeah You're gonna be friends. So it's just kind of hopeful that like, there's not animosity up there between, you know, any political shit. yeah Just like people studying and being in awe of the literal universe. That's nice. They leave it on them, leave all that on the earth. I wonder if they've ever had like an STI outbreak.
00:06:00
Speaker
wonder i read I was wondering, I literally was like, alright, you're stuck up there, you're traveling on fast speeds, I mean, come on. Also, the like whole anti-gravity shit, grade on your joints, I was like, oh yeah. You're telling me someone's definitely gone down on someone like with zero gravity just to like see what it would be like. I have 100%. If that hasn't been explored, then that's not hot. and They have a moral responsibility to
Ethical Concerns of Space Exploration
00:06:25
Speaker
do that. police yeah oh my god imagine like this is going very sideways very quickly but like imagine it imagine ejaculating into zero gravity like this thing just like is it just gonna come back at people in beads it's just floating around the space station they're like we know what you did carl they can't they can't collect it with their hands it's just like slipping out of their grasp funny
00:06:53
Speaker
ah So here's my thing with space exploration. I distrust, when I look back at all of the exploration events that have happened in humankind, and everyone's like thought it was for the great or good, you know everyone that explored, like people that went out in the, you know whatever, the guy Christopher Columbus or whatever, who discovered America. I did, um you can't see, but I did it in, what are they called? Inverted, yeah. un quote
00:07:26
Speaker
Yeah, so that he obviously thought he had the best intentions doing that. And then, you know, there was genocide, there was like illnesses spread that like wiped out populations that was eventually like it has all resulted in us using up the Earth's resources. You know, all these things start with good intentions. And I feel like space exploration is absolutely starting with a good intention that like we want to know if we can survive up here, which I'm not sure if I'm like feel that good about but they want to do that they want to know if they can like help improve global warming and shit like that so it's like yeah sounds good but every time we've done this in the past it's gone wrong it's ended badly it's ended badly um yeah same with like you know squirrels you know people brought gray squirrels back to england from america and they we did
00:08:22
Speaker
I'm so sorry. They're really annoying. I love them. They're so cute, but you're like, please stop. Yeah, but they absolutely decimated our squirrel population. So we had red squirrels. Now the red squirrels can't survive because the gray squirrels are like superior to them.
00:08:40
Speaker
So do you know what I mean? just I'm just like, are we going to do that to space? Maybe. Do we need it? like Is it worth the risk? Is saving humanity worth the risk of fucking up the whole solar system? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. I am.
00:08:56
Speaker
I don't know. It's a hard things that want to know what's up there, but at the same time, at what point do we just be grateful for what we frickin' have and try to fix that before ruining other things? Yeah. um Yeah, it's it's a tough one. But there is also like, there's two astronauts right now stuck in space. I don't know if you're following that. ah But they were launched out. They're American astronauts and something failed with the spacecraft, so they were supposed to be back but I think the mission was supposed to take about a week and now it's been almost two and a half months. So yeah, and they're doing like news interviews and they're like, hi, we're doing great up here. And I'm like, you're not, you're you're running out of oxygen. Like we all know what's going on, you can freak out. um So I don't know, I think the last I read they were possibly going to try and connect to the space station and come in that way.
Challenges of Astronaut Life
00:09:43
Speaker
because this international space station can generate oxygen now which is kind of crazy. But it can't generate enough for like more than I think nine more than 10 people because there's nine people currently on it. um But yeah it's it's crazy they pull the oxygen out of water. Oh that makes sense. Yeah because i wait where are they getting water from though? They're extracting it from space.
00:10:07
Speaker
um i being Okay, this is why I'm being dumb as fuck. I thought that wasn't moisture in space. and There's like moisture ah on a very small level and I believe it's in actually the space station and because the coldness of space it brings the moisture out of the station like on the internal side. um Again, y'all, I don't know shit, so. And I guess just, yeah, look it look it up too. Make sure my 45 minute documentary is making sense to you. um You absorbed an absolute shit time from this documentary. It must have been a good documentary. I just, you know, I'm really sorry to my family listening. I was so high. I was having a great time. I was taking notes. I was just per perplexed by the human experience and I also was a little high.
00:10:52
Speaker
um and so it was also slightly funny to me watching people have to work out on treadmills in the space station because they're losing muscle mass um so they have to like yeah because the thing is if they're up there for more than two years when they come back down to earth they're very jello-y because they don't have muscle mass so they have to work out like X amount of times per day um and so watching this man trying to do sit-ups on this machine he's like strapped in it was the funniest thing I've ever watched. It was hilarious. And then this person on a treadmill, I was like, because you can just see their legs like barely pushing through to like move, huh but they're doing it. So it was just kind of funny. Yeah. No, sounds good. And okay. Yeah.
Justifying Space Spending vs. Global Issues
00:11:37
Speaker
So I'm saying space, space exploration is not hot because I think in like many years time, people are going to come back and realize that we shouldn't have fucked with that. What do you think?
00:11:49
Speaker
Damn, okay. I totally see it that way, but I'm going to be controversial. I'm going to say it's super hot. I'm going to say it's hot in the hands of NASA and researchers, but not hot in the hands of Jeffrey Bezos, who is trying to get into space economics and exploration. oh So millionaires stay out of there, but yeah I'd say researchers deal thing maybe. This is another if I may, sorry, I know we were just rounding it up, but I've thought of another point. They're investing money that we can't even comprehend, like trillion trillions of like dollars on a rocket that blows up as soon as it launches. they probably Those rockets probably don't cost trillions, but like millions. and just but Just burning immediately as soon as they hit the atmosphere, just goodbye, millions of pounds, which could um
00:12:40
Speaker
really improves the lives of people on earth. Like, you know, get some people some drinking water. That is a really legit thinking. ah Yeah, let's solve world hunger first. We could, because that's actually affecting people right here right now.
00:12:56
Speaker
Okay, in that case, it's not hot. I like it. That changed me. Yeah, that's a really good thing because it's like, I'm thinking otherworldly shit because I'm like, wow, it'd just be so interesting to learn about the things around us, but it is not hot to leave people on your own planet in total fucked up situations while you're just like, I'm up here. Yeah. Running on a treadmill zero gravity.
00:13:22
Speaker
So, all right, my ways have been changed. I can believe I just, I swayed you from super hot to not hot in one sentence. Incredible. I just saw all the children of starving countries in my mind just like in a montage and I was like, yeah, it's not hot. I'm sorry, guys. Oh, I love it. Absolutely love it. That was a really fun hot knot.
Reddit 'Am I the Asshole?' Discussion Introduction
00:13:45
Speaker
but what and So today's podcast topic is, um well, it seems to be something that's kind of sweeping the nation or the the international front, not even just the nation, everyone.
00:14:00
Speaker
um So I've recently got hooked on Am I the Asshole on Reddit, which is a thread where people write in and about a situation in their life and then the people have read it, read them to filth and tell them if they've been an asshole or not. So typically like controversial, set I mean, it it covers everything. and But what would be like a random example? i I remember reading one once where like the guy was in the military and ah he had a fiancée at home and he'd been like going out like in a hot tub with other girls and stuff and ignoring his fiancée's calls while he's like out on deployment and he was like, you know am I the asshole? That's an example of like someone would ask, am I the asshole? But I say that it's sweeping the nation because Janessa's grandma is also loving, am I the asshole?
00:14:57
Speaker
she is loving it yesterday i got lunch with my grandparents and my in-laws and my grandma said yeah what is the acronym for it again it's like A I T A H okay okay so she said that to me and i had no f freaking clue what she was saying and i was like grandma's getting old And she was like, no, no, no. Like, have you heard of Am I the Asshole? And then Zach and I just like cracked up. We're like, yeah, we have. And she was like, wow, I got into it. And I guess there's threads that are really intriguing to older women um around gardening and neighbor neighborly interactions. So my grandma's gotten into that side of Am I the Asshole? Where it's like, oh, you know, I'm making something up. It's like, oh, Sharon left some of her compost just slightly over my fence. and i threw it over into her yard. Am I the asshole? You know, so it's stuff like that. It's it's tame, but my my grandma's into it and that says a lot. And that um that's progress there because she knew about it before I really did. Yeah. You're always the last to know everything i as we've clarified. I am. I am, except for the International Space Station, you guys. That's all I've got going for me. Just pull me in for your game shows if that's the topic.
00:16:11
Speaker
Don't pull me in for music or any cultural references. So ah what we're gonna do today is go through, am I the asshole topics about illness? Some are about chronic illness, some are about other kinds of illness.
00:16:27
Speaker
and But yeah, we're just going to read them out and then discuss between us whether we think those people are the assholes or not and providing a bit of perspective. And I think we'll probably offer quite interesting perspective because of our point of view of having a chronic illness, you know.
00:16:43
Speaker
Definitely. and Okay, so to get it started, this is this is a deep one. and And it's quite long, but I'm just gonna read it.
Family Dynamics and Illness: Mother-Daughter Conflict
00:16:55
Speaker
So, I am a 50-year-old female. My daughter, 28, has been diagnosed by three different doctors with depression. In December, she saw a psychiatrist that said she has something called double depression.
00:17:11
Speaker
and he is recommending outpatient treatment. Long story short, that didn't materialize and now she's looking at next steps. The conflict starts here. A few days ago, she told me that she got a call from the new psychiatrist and she has an appointment next month. She said that her family doc also is concerned that she has a heart condition from the chronic stress of CPTSD. I don't actually know what that is. Do you know what that is, Janessa?
00:17:40
Speaker
Nope, I'll be looking that up. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD, along with some additional symptoms, such as difficulty controlling your emotions, feeling very angry or dis distressful towards the world. Okay.
00:17:58
Speaker
and because her resting heart rate is 120 beats per minute and it affects her ability to move, stand, sit upright for long periods of time especially on bad days I asked her if she thought they were finally going to figure out what was actually wrong with her this time or if she's just expecting the doctor to give her a magical answer I asked her at the end of the day how many conditions do you actually have again? It seems like the list keeps getting longer and longer. I told her that she reminds me of my siblings who keep saying they have certain disorders or conditions and there's always a new one and they just never work on actually getting better. I feel like she's given up on giving up and now she's essentially quiet quitting her life and wasting away.
00:18:47
Speaker
I told her the only people that ever actually beat depression are people who try because they want to live and it upsets me that she isn't happy or trying about the gift of life. She got upset and told me first of all that she doesn't have a team of doctors. She has a family physician with minimal mental health expertise and an online therapist she sees once a week for an hour. But expecting her with no support to undo a lifetime of illness in less than a year is unfair.
00:19:16
Speaker
She said she's trying, but that's not good enough for me. She said that because of my anti-medication stance and pro-spirituality stance, all I do is assume she's popping pills because she wants to be numb in bed all day. But in ah actuality, she spends her days working online, writing, talking to people online. She walks around the house and does chores here and there where she can.
00:19:40
Speaker
and when before she didn't leave the bed for days time. She said I can't make any progress in the eyes of someone who thinks I'm lying about everything. Since she was a kid she has a tendency to read about things online then act them out. The other day she went something's wrong with my head couldn't explain what and fell. The next day she said she realized she forgot to take her medication and got something called brain zaps.
00:20:05
Speaker
She has a word for everything. It's never just that she tripped. Then she stopped responding to me. I'm worried that she's going to stop giving me updates about her health. I just want my daughter to be sick. Oh, sorry. I just don't want my daughter to be sick. She's such a brilliant girl and she's wasting her life with this stuff. Am I the asshole? Oh, okay. Sorry, I was holding that in.
00:20:32
Speaker
Wow. Oh, sorry. My phone just went off with that. That was perfect timing. Um, yeah. So holy guacamole, that's a loaded one. Yeah. That's loaded. Um, eek. Yeah. Ooh. Okay. We're going there. I guess I just gotta speak at it. Yeah. guys So there's so many things to me that are,
00:21:03
Speaker
difficult about this. One being that I do take people at face value for what they are experiencing. I hate that the medical community devalues people and pretty much is like you're making shit up.
00:21:18
Speaker
um So I know that that can be really hard and difficult. So like proud of this person for standing up for herself and seeing multiple people. However, I do believe there is something to say about your focus in life. And when your focus becomes your illness purely, which sometimes you really can't help in the beginning of it.
00:21:44
Speaker
But when it just becomes that is the main lens you're seeing life out of. It's really difficult to see things that can help you yeah and not heal you. That's different, but help you during a difficult time. So if you don't have something external from you to help you, be it music, listening to it, be it, you know, a friend who comes over and makes you laugh.
00:22:05
Speaker
If you don't have these outlets, it can be very difficult to not get sucked in and to find other things that are wrong. um Yeah, with that said, I think it's just easier to find out what is wrong about us um personally versus what is right about us or what's good about us. So I think that this person just needs some really positive outlet.
00:22:26
Speaker
Outlets in their life and also depression. I can definitely speak to that because I have depression Depression is a beast. It is so strange It chemically alters us to a point where someone can say it's a beautiful sunny day outside Why do you want to lay in bed? I can't answer that for you. I just don't want to get out um And so I think it's just hard when someone who doesn't have Conditions is like get up, you know make your life better. I see the ways you could do it and because those ways just might not be right for that person so that was the beginning but then the thing that really pissed me off was when the moms said that's not good enough for me yeah like yeah like okay
00:23:11
Speaker
What did you think of that? like yeah My internal self is screaming. Yeah, I mean, see the thing is, so the mum is definitely an asshole. She's a big asshole. I think it's a pretty clear-cut case. But I wouldn't believe deep down she's an asshole with good intentions.
00:23:30
Speaker
Agreed. so And I think a lot of mothers use terminology like that, which as a child, you're going to be really offended by that. Like, what's it to you anyway? and When they really mean to say, like, you're breaking my heart by giving up. Like, that's what she means to say, but it's obviously coming out Awfully because she's scared and angry like you would be scared I imagine not a mother myself but like you carried a child in your womb gave birth to them brought them up and then Watched them suffer and if it really feels to her that her daughter's giving up You would be at your breaking point of like don't give up But yes, she is doing it and she's going about it in completely the wrong way We have to assume she doesn't have the tools to do it in the right way
00:24:23
Speaker
But yeah, she should be getting her daughter out of the house to do fun things if her daughter can manage it. She should be helping research her daughter's illnesses and making suggestions that way. and Yeah, rather than just scolding her. Obviously scolding her is the wrong thing. And yeah, she's gonna end up and without a daughter at this rate, to be honest.
00:24:50
Speaker
Truly, yeah, it's just it's gonna wedge a divide between them. Yeah, and then it's gonna what you said about like I think I was so spot-on like if it's your kid and I also like reminded me to like the Lens she's probably viewing her child out of is a lens of like Serious love and like when you love something you see what you love about them or you love about it and so the Hard things that are not on the surface level are really hard for you to perceive because you love what you're looking at. like If you can imagine looking at a puppy and that puppy like is not feeling well on the inside, it has something wrong, but on the outside, you don't know about the inside. You just know about the outside and you're like, how could this puppy you know need to like be put down? like How is that possible? It's so cute. It's so sweet. It's everything. you know like You're seeing for the lens of love, which is really a gift.
00:25:40
Speaker
but it can also blind us to really what's going on on the inside that you cannot see or perceive with your eye. So ah yeah, i it it sounds like mom's gotta like, mom's gotta confront some limiting beliefs here about illness and she's gotta reformulate the way she quote would do something because I'm not gonna lie to you guys before I became ill I was strongly against medication yeah and I was like yeah I wouldn't use that if I didn't need to yet I still used antibiotics when they told me I need to
00:26:14
Speaker
um But like I had quite the stigma around medication. I was like, no, no, no, not me. No, no. um And I couldn't understand why people would take certain things. And then when I was at my worst, I was like, fuck it. Give me it. I can't even walk right now. like Let's go. you know So I think that you know mom's got good intentions, but she may not know what it feels like to not.
00:26:37
Speaker
be able to live your life. That's one thing we can absolutely absolutely take from it. This mum has never been through any sort of illness or hardship because that would never be your approach if yeah if she has. Okay, the asshole. Next one.
Roommate Dilemma: Leaving Due to Illness
00:26:57
Speaker
Would I be the asshole if I move out leaving my chronically ill roommate vulnerable? So I, 30 year old female, live in Los Angeles where rent is really high. I live in a house with two roommates, 30 and 50.
00:27:14
Speaker
My 30 year old roommate Kay has been battling an autoimmune chronic illness for a couple of years. She's not able to eat loads of food and has these spells where her energy is drained. My 50 year old roommate Tammy is emotionally immature, doesn't help out with chores, and has a tendency to be really forgetful. For example, she once broke a toilet seat and didn't bother to replace it before going on a last minute trip out of town.
00:27:42
Speaker
After I got the delayed utilities payment from her, it came with a poop emoji attached to it. I'm responsible for the major utility bills, water, power, and internet. It's hard getting payments from Kay and Tammy because of Kay's health issues and Tammy's irresponsibility. They also have two dogs who are very loud and cause a ruckus.
00:28:07
Speaker
I've been having a hard time coping with Kay's health problems. It's horrible for me to say it, but when she is down, she is down. That leaves the majority of household chores, bills and trash on me. I'm in school and working full time.
00:28:23
Speaker
I can't stand living like this anymore. Recently a friend of mine was looking to fill in a roommate vacancy. I'll pay more for rent but the location is closer to my college and work. I feel guilty moving out because of Kay's health issues. She relies on me to help her get groceries when she's sick. Not to mention Tammy does air-full to help around the house.
00:28:45
Speaker
Kay even said that if I move out, it will be bad for her because of her health problems. She says she's trying to get better, but she's been saying that for over a year and it's affecting my life too. Would I be the asshole if I move?
00:29:02
Speaker
Oh, I have an immediate answer, but but do you want to go first because I answered the last one first? Okay. um No, you wouldn't I don't think that person would be the asshole if they move out and because these people are just roommates. like it's not I think I'd maybe have a different answer if it was family or a close friend, but just roommates, I think you really don't owe anyone anything.
00:29:30
Speaker
And yeah and you have to you have to get on with your life. like You can't suppress your own life for the benefit of someone else's illness. So no, I don't think they'd be the asshole.
00:29:45
Speaker
I'm right there with you. I don't think you're in the asshole at all, whoever wrote this, because it's same here. It's like, these are your roommates. And the fact that they're even comprehending and playing with the concept of how this impacts other people shows a lot of empathy and shows a lot of compassion for what they're going through, even if they're aggravated by some aspects. So I just want to say this person's definitely self-aware, but they're self-aware with the lack of boundaries, it sounds like, because If they are currently like making the meals, cleaning up, they're not just a roommate. They have stepped into the role of it of a caregiver in some way. um And that's beautiful. That is such a gift to give to people. But the thing is, if you're going through school and you're not able to care for your own basic needs because you are so overwhelmed by making sure everyone else is OK, you are you know
00:30:36
Speaker
putting yourself last at a time when she needs to get through her studies and put herself first so you know I think that's a really tough decision on her emotionally which shows a lot about this person who wrote it in in the first place that she actually cares even if she feels frustrated by aspects um but no I don't think she's asshole or he's asshole or whatever I just think you have to do what's right for you and just you know know that that person is not well but also that they most likely have other outlets and if they don't have other outlets for assistance they can bring that up with their doctor or physician and they get their programs where you live where they can help out and figure that out so yeah yeah so they that's but that is on that person and their journey to figure out yeah I think it might also be um
00:31:29
Speaker
You know, if she's making Kay's life easier, her moving out might end up being like the push Kay needs to um get herself some help or whatever. Like, yeah, start taking more responsibility for herself. And it is, as someone with chronic illness, it is absolutely fucked to say to someone, if you move out, it's gonna cause problems for me. Yes, that stood out to me too, like you never- No, and and that's something where I have a little hot take here, oh but i really I really believe that the chronically ill people I've met in my lifetime, their biggest one of their biggest feelers fears is being a burden to other people, yeah and they do everything they can to be as independent as possible until they really cannot be.
00:32:15
Speaker
and um And they're learning how to ask for help, but the thing is people who exploit other people through their illness, I've met a few of them. And it's really disturbing and disgusting because they're exaggerating aspects of their life that people are actually horrifically living through. yeah And yet they are not abusing a system.
00:32:36
Speaker
They're not abusing the people around them and what they'll do for them. So that exists and it just makes me so sad because it hinders people who are actually ill and like going through it, you know? So yeah, yeah that's frustrating. Not saying this person's doing that, but I'm just saying that does exist, unfortunately. Yeah, we see it. um Okay, the next one. This is a rough one.
Marriage Strain: Coping with Spouse's Illness
00:33:00
Speaker
I think my wife is too sick for me to stay married to her. My wife, 33 female, and I, 38 male, have been married for almost five years. We've been friends since high school.
00:33:17
Speaker
My wife is frail to the point of disbelief. She has a chronic illness that causes unending pain, bursitis, joint pain, gastric issues beyond the point of reason. I honestly question how she could have survived this long, to be honest.
00:33:34
Speaker
These were all challenges, of course, but they were nowhere near as intrusive or all-encompassing as they are now. She's been vomiting more or less constantly for the past month. Yes, I mean this literally. And hospitals can't find anything physiological to explain it. She's lost 30 pounds and is surviving more or less on popsicles and apple juice with occasional forays into mashed potatoes.
00:34:03
Speaker
I love my wife, but I swear before all gods living or dead that I cannot handle this. I might actually be watching my wife die right now, and it's killing me as much as it might be killing her. More and more, I felt the need to simply escape, to be anywhere else, so I cannot have this yawning void of helplessness crush me even more.
00:34:27
Speaker
Call it cowardice or selfish cruelty if you must. I don't think I can handle watching the one human being I actually give a damn about go through this anymore. I think I have to divorce her. I can't bear the endless unrelenting misery.
00:34:44
Speaker
I'm not asking if I'm an asshole, I'm well aware that I am being heartless and selfish, but I don't know what to do. If I have to have front row tickets to this, I'm afraid of the type of person I'll be on the other end of it. I really have, ah I already have an admittedly shaky sense of ethics,
00:35:05
Speaker
I've been on a long mental health road back from a failed suicide attempt a decade ago, but this is putting me in a headspace that is both familiar and unwelcome. What the hell am I supposed to do?
00:35:21
Speaker
Well, glad he knows he's the asshole. yeah um But also he is not just an asshole, this is a this really big big cultural thing and i think i think there's so much cultural issues here at hand one being that when people enter in the union of marriage or even a long-term partnership we're not asking ourselves culturally like okay can this really be unconditional love because unconditional love is the pie in the sky goal but it's not often achieved by couples and you have to have those hard conversations and
00:36:02
Speaker
I think before you engage in marriage or any kind of long term relationship with someone where you're going to live out your years together, you need to have those conversations because disability, it's the most interesting thing. I feel like it gets the least amount of air time, um, meaning disabled rights, just disability in general, but it's the, it's the one group of like,
00:36:32
Speaker
like it's a subgroup anyone is susceptible to so like at any time my husband could become disabled and how he could get hit by a car he could be you know in a wheelchair he could have something go in his eye he could be blind in one eye like Those are all things we're all susceptible to and you could go on and on with kind of making up ways that it could happen. But what the real goal is, is to talk about, you know, if I'm wheelchair bound or if I have this and wheelchair bound is like an outdated way to say it. So I apologize, you guys. I know that some people are like, let's not say that anymore.
00:37:07
Speaker
but If I'm living my life in a wheelchair, um you know how will you be there for me? Is that something you can handle with me and grow with me on, or at least be open to you know learning and restructuring our lives? and You won't know until the time comes, but you should start those conversations. Because when you start those, you'll really get to the bottom of like what some cultural issues are.
00:37:30
Speaker
And I think one big one here is that this man's saying, I feel helplessness. And I wanted to point out that in Western culture, masculinity, it's showed as in like, how can I save the woman? How can I save the girl? It's the night in shining armor and men do not fall short of feeling that intense-ness from culture on how they show up to save their woman or protect their woman. But this is a circumstance where he cannot save his wife.
00:38:00
Speaker
And he feels helpless because as someone who's adhering to masculine roles, he's saying, Hey, I should be able to fend off anything. I should be able to protect her and I can't, and now I feel emasculated and I don't know what to do as a husband. I'm just here watching this nightmare unfold. But I think that's sad because I think if there were more education around that, this man would maybe have a little bit more access to be in touch with his femininity and notice that like maybe what his wife needs right now is literally just to be held like just to be held just to know she's loved like wow all this shit is happening so I think that sometimes that can be viewed if you're coming from a masculine space as like you've lost already like you've lost the battle and trying to save your wife by just faltering and just hugging her instead of you know crusading and finding what's wrong but sometimes that's actually what people need
00:38:55
Speaker
They just need to hug. They just need to have space held. she um young yeah I agree. it ah if and yeah She doesn't need him to create a solution. um I think he's obviously, he doesn't have the tools to handle things. Like, yeah you know, he was saying if he's had a suicide attempt before, like that's the worst. kind of person to be having to handle something like this. So I think the odds are stacked against him massively in him being able to handle this. um But that doesn't excuse the fact that he made a commitment to her. And I mean, she married a guy that had had a suicide attempt, which is, I think, stepping up for someone. Like, there would be lots of people that are like, I don't maybe don't want to marry someone.
00:39:46
Speaker
who decided they wanted to leave this world right now. So I think she's shown him grace and mercy and stuff before and he does owe that back to her. and But it also sounds like he's maybe dealing with it alone and that yeah he's not natural yeah he's never survive it. Of course he's come to this solution if he's dealing with it alone.
00:40:10
Speaker
and I think he needs they both probably need counseling and I think a lot um of good would come from that ah totally yeah but I honestly him considering leaving her I think that does make him an asshole I think so too and it's just it's sad because it's It makes him the asshole but I also feel like this guy is in a state of helplessness because he doesn't have the tools like you were saying because he's alone and because we don't talk about this culturally that and then that just brings up another quick layer I have to bring up is like when you
00:40:50
Speaker
engage in marriage or an intentional long-term relationship. It's so sacred because what you are saying and what you are committing to is seeing someone through the ages and phases phases of their lives.
00:41:06
Speaker
and as we get older these ages and these phases of our lives are gonna get kind of gross sometimes just quite frankly like things are gonna get a little nasty when we get older or unfortunately if you are dealing with a chronic illness or if you have a condition where things are already feeling like they're they're you know really taking that turn way sooner than they should be the this is what we signed up for baby like you know that's like I am in full understanding that if something goes wrong god forbid and you know Zach is you know
00:41:42
Speaker
I don't know, just like on bed rest or anything. Like he cannot use his body the way he used to be. I'm not leaving. Are you freaking kidding me? I will adapt and I will definitely seek therapy because you don't want to just have that be all on you. But like you, you signed up for this. Like that's a reminder when you're marrying someone, you're not just marrying their young self. You're marrying them at 80, you're marrying them at 90. Like yeah you got to think about that. Yeah.
Father-Daughter Relationship Strain
00:42:10
Speaker
okay the next one um this is a bit of a oh let's do this one actually this is let's do this one so am i the asshole for no longer being close to my daughter after she ignored her mother my wife when she was very ill So my daughter is 19, still very young but old enough to know what she did wrong. Five years ago my wife, her biological mother, began to exhibit very strange behavior. She would say weird things, make impulsive decisions, and act strangely.
00:42:54
Speaker
She and my daughter would clash often. Now my daughter always was a daddy's girl, but she was still close with her mother. I honestly thought my wife was going through a midlife crisis and dealing with the pressures of working while raising a teen. And we had to come to Jesus talk. I don't know what that is. You know what that is, Janessa.
00:43:17
Speaker
yeah i think it's like a come to god talk it's like um it's not an ultimatum but it's like uh hey it has gotten so severe that we are just gonna we're gonna lay it all out in front of god and you and okay and come with me okay hu Okay, so about six months after the start of that behavior, my wife ended up in a really bad accident. When they were performing emergency surgery, they found a ball-sized tumor pressing her brain, which was the cause of her initial behavior.
00:43:52
Speaker
My wife ended up having to relearn everything from walking to talking. She was still reeling from the effects of the accident and the brain tumor and was mentally and physically disabled for a while. Our daughter refused to be seen in public with my wife.
00:44:10
Speaker
She hated the mess of the wheelchair and her mother's condition. She would also just ignore her mother and speak to me all the time, sometimes even about her. She saw my wife as a burden and would complain to people to the point where the school called me.
00:44:28
Speaker
At the time I was just struggling to get by and I couldn't alienate my daughter. My wife needed a lot of care and my daughter was in a difficult stage of her life that I couldn't abandon her in. When my daughter went off to college I was sad but also relieved. My wife still needs a wheelchair sometimes and she has difficulty with some things but she has honestly improved so much. It really solidified our love for each other and our belief in our marriage. My daughter is coming back for summer break after exams. I don't know why but I feel uncomfortable with her staying for this long. I feel like the sense of closeness I had with her evaporated when she treated her own mother callously. I don't know what to do. My wife is very excited to have her daughter come but I don't want to see her heart broken. I've tried getting over it and talking with my therapist but I just can't
00:45:24
Speaker
feel emotionally close with my daughter and i'm sure she'll notice i'm either asshole
00:45:34
Speaker
Ah, sad. Yeah. Oh, my heart. My heart hurts. This one hurts. Yeah. I mean, obviously the daughter, is it's hard to believe that the daughter just saw her mum, who she had a great relationship with, suffering, and then decided to be embarrassed of her.
00:45:58
Speaker
you know I feel like maybe the mum and the daughter's relationship wasn't as good as he thought it was because like I literally cannot imagine any of my friends who have good healthy loving relationships with their mum suddenly being like your gross if something happened to them yeah ah yeah that was my thought too or not getting the full story our dad was not tapped into yeah the things that were going on also just like if we backtrack to the very beginning where the mom's behaviors change like this is a teenager and they're still seeking safety from parents yeah and if your parent has a drastic change and
00:46:37
Speaker
emotion or in the way that they talk you talk to you or treat you, like that's going to really set off kind of that fight or flight for a teenager. yeah Flight may have been what was set off for this girl where she just didn't feel like she knew her mom anymore. um yeah or i can't I can't imagine like you know not being a teenager, not understanding certain mental health conditions or physical conditions, and then have your mom's personality could completely shift on you.
00:47:07
Speaker
yeah um So I could see why this girl would want to back away to protect herself, like to like step away from it. The thing that is hard is when he said like she gets grossed out by the wheelchair. yeah That's where it was like, oof, that's pretty yucky, whatever way you cut it or splice it. But also I I wrote down like a note and I was like this feels like learned behavior though. Like if he's talking about having a come to God moment then I would like to assume even though it's not quite right for me to assume that they're religious and if they're partaking in religion and if that was something that touched this young girl then you would know people who are disadvantaged or have to operate differently in their life.
00:47:54
Speaker
Even in the Bible like Jesus specifically not other people treated them with like kindness and Compassion and light and that was like very important and saw them as equal. That was the biggest part He saw them through Christ like love that like they were equal to him. Yeah, so I feel like I Feel like there's stuff. We just don't know here. Yeah, it just doesn't make sense to me why a girl would completely disown her mother just cuz she is in a wheelchair and um And I think, you know, no offense, but dad is working. He's doing a lot and he may have been doing that a lot previously too that didn't keep him engaged socially with where they're at. yeah But also just to say, and I'm sorry, this is terribly sexist, but um sometimes men or people who identify as male are just not tapped into the insane, insane infrastructure of the female like social life. Like they're like, I can literally hear something and be like,
00:48:50
Speaker
That was so rude of her. yeah And Zach will be like, I don't think so. She just said this. And I was like, no, no, no. Did you see the way she looked at her and she said it? And he's like, what? They're not thinking on on that level. So yeah, I don't know if dad's reality is the same reality. yeah That's a mom in her head.
00:49:08
Speaker
yeah and then there's actually lots of comments on there because all these questions have answers like on from the redditors um and they're all like you have no idea how traumatizing it is to see one of your parents like degrade in their behavior or you know because of them being sick and and yeah she's 14 at the time who helped her and Like the people are basically like, I think she's and closing off as like a survival mechanism. A hundred percent. Yeah. She's protecting herself. She is a teenager who's not only worried about her own safety, but she's worried about fitting in. That's a huge thing at that point in your life. And so she's trying to stay probably in a place socially where she's acceptable still, and not to say her mom's unacceptable, but what she's going through
00:50:02
Speaker
I doubt her friends could relate. So she's probably not talking about it. She's probably not getting the help she needs. That's what it's coming down to. you Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, also think about all the teenagers. Think about all the 14 year olds that are embarrassed by their parents when their parents are completely normal people. Oh, that was me. Yeah. I literally asked my mom to like not pick me up.
00:50:25
Speaker
like in the drive area like right after school to like wait a little because she would always blast country music and back then I was like this is so embarrassing and like yeah my mom's chill I just didn't know yeah I was just young and embarrassed I was like no like my dad would say hi to my friends I'd be like don't talk to them don't yeah don't even look at them
00:50:49
Speaker
yep so yeah I think this guy I don't think he's an asshole I think he's traumatized I don't think the daughter is an asshole either I think she's traumatized and I think it sounds like if the wife he said obviously the wife was excited to have her home maybe this is a nice time to draw a line under it forgive the daughter for acting the way she did. Hopefully the daughter's grown up. I mean, if she's 19, think about the five years post being 19, you look back on the things you did when you were a teenager, you know? Like, I think it's time for to grow healing for everyone, yeah.
00:51:24
Speaker
Totally, and also i I see some family therapy in the That would be really good, yeah. Yeah, and it' ah he's obviously going to therapy, isn't he? Because he said, I talk about it with my therapist. So they're obviously open. They sound like they've got all the tools they need, you know? Jesus, therapy, survival, like, I think they're gonna be okay. I think they're gonna be okay. They're gonna make it.
00:51:48
Speaker
go
00:51:50
Speaker
um Okay, one more, maybe, yeah. Yeah, let's do one more.
Family Tension: Suspected Faking of Illness
00:51:56
Speaker
So, am I the asshole for finally telling my parents I think my sister is faking her illness? Sorry. My sister, 23, lives at home with my parents, does not work or go to school, and claims claims to have several diagnoses that have not been confirmed because she always claims to be too sick to get the testing done. That's a red flag. my parents My parents completely enable her and they tell family she's been diagnosed with these things when she has not. Last week, I found out that my sister was in Scotland on my parents' dime for the second time in six months for multiple weeks for vacation.
00:52:48
Speaker
she picks and chooses when these conditions flare up lately it's been pots what is m-c-a-s i don't even know that one Is that multiple sclerosis? No, mast cell activation syndrome. Oh, yeah, that one's fucked up. It's a condition that causes mast cells to release high amounts of chemicals into your body. This chemical release causes you to have many symptoms. Okay, yeah, that sounds bad. It's fine. Heads, all this... I can't believe he's just done... um
00:53:27
Speaker
Acronyms. Heads. Hypermobile. Ooh. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome is characterized by generalized joint hypermobility, joint instability, pain, soft and hyper extensible skin. Those are our zebras. That's what they call themselves, not the spines, but the zebras. And Rebecca Yaros, the author has it. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
00:53:52
Speaker
And Endo. So that's um horrendous. That's a horrendous line up. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah, that's like the concert of the century for autoimmune and like chronic conditions. They're like, and headlining endos. And they're like, god damn. Thought our concert it would smash and be great. But it's not. When I found out she was in Scotland again, I snapped because I found out from a cousin that my parents were hiding it from me. I sent my parents and sister a letter via email about how I think my sister is abusing my parents financially.
00:54:29
Speaker
And my parents are enabling her with accepting these diagnoses that aren't confirmed and said my sister needed psychiatric care, which she's never received. After this, my parents cut me off the phone bill and stole my phone number. It's now downloaded into their phone with my old number.
00:54:49
Speaker
They pulled my phone logs and changed streaming passwords and created a lie to all extended family that my husband had verbally attacked them when that incident is like a blatant lie that never happened. I'm just flabbergasted that all this happened and I worry I blew up my relationship with my family over this forever. Also, they paid for her to go to Scotland, but they couldn't help me for two months this year with health insurance while I was unemployed.
00:55:21
Speaker
ah ka
00:55:24
Speaker
Okay Yikes babe, that sucks I'm so sorry I want to hug this person I I don't know I feel the ick when parents like just Do random shit like disown a child for disagreeing or just like not conforming to what they think is right so it gives it's giving like parents are disapproving and just punishing instead of having a conversation.
00:55:52
Speaker
yeah um o I don't know. I feel i feel like the sister, son I think you said red flag perfectly because if you're denying the testing that actually can help you, it's not prove, I don't like the word prove, but help you understand what's going on on more of a molecular level um or whatever level you're looking at for CT scans or blood work If you're denying that, then you're really denying yourself the educational tools to be able to piece things together later on. yeah And um the worst part is if you're denying it when you have access to it. So I understand someone who is maybe in the US and doesn't have insurance.
00:56:34
Speaker
And they're like, I need to get the CT scan, but like, I can't afford to spend like $3,200 because I don't have insurance. I get, I get you. But if you have access and you're just like, no, no, I don't want to do it. That that's rough. Um, yeah. I also want to say like, when I worked in like, when I worked in healthcare, I worked in a cardiology department and I can't say like a ton because of HIPAA, but there were people with like severe cardiac conditions like they were on the brink constantly of just like either internally suffocating from there being water from there in their heart or in their lungs there's like conditions like that that builds up and these people would come in for their testing even though it was seriously painful to come in and they had to come in a lot and it sucked but they're not sitting there saying I'm too sick to come in they're barely breathing
00:57:29
Speaker
able to get a full breath in, but they're in. They're coming in you know and they're doing their testing because they they know they need to figure out what's going on or they need to see how they're doing at that time. So yeah, I don't know. I just feel like it's a ... I don't like the word excuse. I'm not going to say that. I think this person really needs to get tested and like maybe they're afraid of the legitimately being diagnosed.
00:57:54
Speaker
like you know maybe that makes things final for them, but that' that's a fear that they're gonna just have to face. yeah I feel like I don't know a single person that's ill that hasn't been glad to get their diagnosis so that they can move on from it. like If you are really struggling with those four things that she's expressed and you get treatment by getting diagnosed, why the hell would you not get diagnosed? like ah Because you're just prolonging your own misery.
00:58:24
Speaker
like i i yeah It throws shade on actually this is it just drives me insane because it throws shade on truly chronically ill people because When she's going to Scotland and you know, probably not going there just to the stay in bed But like when she's going there what you're doing is you're actually compromising people who are hurting and who every now and then yeah, they go on a vacation and And then sometimes people will doubt them and be like, are they even sick? And it's like, well, they don't see that on vacation I brought this, this, and this, or I had to do my injection or this. It throws shade on a community that we already yeah have people who literally question us, who are legit, like we legitimately have diagnoses and there's still people who will be like, yeah real are you sure? Does it really hurt? And it's like, oh my gosh.
00:59:14
Speaker
yeah So um yeah, I don't like i don't like this a one bit because I just feel like it's it's playing to a stereotype that people make assumptions on and that's not cool. again yeah ah yeah And in terms of the person being the asshole, like I think it needed to be said. i think and She needed to say it get it off her chest like that was only gonna like bubble and Build like more divides between her and the family I think like saying it was right and you never know how the parents are gonna react So obviously they immediately took her off the phone how funny that she's like what was she like 28 still on her parents
00:59:56
Speaker
but well Yeah, all ah that was so metaphorical to me. Yeah, they literally cut communication They're like, oh no phone. You can't talk to us like boom. We're shutting it off. Yeah, it's there I don't know about these parents, but sometimes you're your lens of love can blind you. It's a beautiful lens, but it can blind you. like i I think i'm the saying like a mother's love for her son can blind her to like the terrible things her son does. It's so true. It's very, very true. um And like also, like on a brief, because this could be a whole other episode, and also it's not fully mined to discuss publicly, but like I do have people in my family who deal with substance abuse.
01:00:39
Speaker
And the mothers of those people oftentimes want to protect them and make a excuses yeah for why they're using again, or why they're just not right, or why you know like why are they stole money or whatnot. There's always an excuse and always a way away story. And mom is going to protect her cub, even if her cub is literally on drugs. And it's like, please don't. um So I feel like that might be going on also with these parents where they've they have enabled this person so much. And them coming to a realization is gonna be them having to face the ways that they actually failed their daughters, both their daughters. And that's a heavy, heavy load to carry. So I hope they are in therapy as well.
01:01:23
Speaker
Yeah, because they're processing a lot as well, especially if the one that's sick is their youngest and they're like the other kids have moved out and they kind of want to keep their youngest at home. It's like a convenient way for them to like still have someone to care for. and They don't have to face their individual lives yet because they're still caring for the young one. yeah Yeah. And it sounds like there's a lot of sibling envy going on as well. Like you you take care of her, but you don't take care of me type five, which um will probably be impacting how the writer is viewing everything. Because i like I really don't think I'd give that much of a damn, to be honest. like If my parents were like looking after my brother, I'd be like, okay, nice. yeah i would have been so but I would not be so pressed about it. I really wouldn't. So it it is interesting that the writer is so pressed about it.
01:02:18
Speaker
It might be money wise, cause that's the way I feel with like addicts in my family is like, be they're leaning on family members and family members are giving their lives, like their time, their money, like everything to these people. And it's like, okay, we've gone through this so much for so many years. Like, when does it end? Does it ever end? And I think that's the other thing too, is it might even be like a, like as a sibling, like,
01:02:45
Speaker
if the parents are not financially like super stable because they're spending a yeah bunch of money on their sibling, that happens with addicts and you're like, okay, what's happening here and it's really fucked up to think of it this way is like, okay, now when our parents pass away or whoever, that's not who it is in my family, but when they pass away, this will is skewed. There is nothing left because they spent all of their money living, trying to care for you when you were not giving a damn or taking any care for yourself or or taking responsibility when you have the resources. you know So it's just it's such a difficult one, but I do think the sibling envy is probably big here. And I also think that the fact that her parents blamed her husband when her husband wasn't even involved yeah was really gross to me. And I was like, Oh, that's like really shitty. And that kind of showed the parents maturity level yeah to me. So I think like,
01:03:39
Speaker
I think this person actually is better off without their family for a little bit. Like give some space and like create your own family, not like just kids, but like your friends. Like rely on the people who can really love you and then your parents might come around or they just might not. And you're going to have to find solace in your chosen family. Yeah. Let me see. It kind of sounds like everyone involved is at the asshole. Sounds like they were all a bunch of assholes. Yeah, bunch of assholes running a around.
01:04:11
Speaker
Oh, wow. Wow. Well, what a good episode. Amy, that was such a good suggestion. i am I liked this a lot. I had no idea I had so many feelings about people's lives. I don't know. Yeah. That's the beauty of the am I the arse of thread on Reddit. you you Yeah. ah It's kind of like a soap opera. You know, like how we used to in like the 90s, noughties, even going back, you had like soap operas where it was just like outlandish, ridiculous stuff that was happening. It's like that. But in the written word.
01:04:41
Speaker
Totally. No, totally. It makes me very glad that I have the life I have right now. Yeah, exactly. It's not perfect, but we're we're not assholes right now. It's good.
01:04:54
Speaker
Yeah, good. All right. Well, maybe, you know, in a year or so we can revisit when there's been some more illness related. Am I an asshole submissions? Definitely. Yeah. All right. Well, we're looking forward to seeing you all back here in two weeks. Thanks so much for being here. And until then, and remember to let the light in. Bye.