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Episode 53: Our Friend Fear
44 Plays8 months ago
In today’s episode Amy shares a quick update on her RA treatment and some hospital calamity. Then we discuss managing and understanding the (what feels like near constant) fear and anxiety that we are all dealing with in our day-to-day lives - touching on False Evidence Appearing as Real, filling in the blanks, fear of failure and knowing there’s someone who’s always got your back.
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Transcript
Introduction to Wounded Healers Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Wounded Healers podcast.
00:00:09
Speaker
I'm Janessa. And I'm Amy. We were brought together by our shared wound of an autoimmune condition in our early 20s. This is a place where we explore our wounds with our listeners and guests who recognize the challenges of being human in hopes of helping all of us let the light in. Hey, Amy.
00:00:30
Speaker
Hi Janessa, how are you? I'm doing well. You are living in the future right now because currently it's my night on a Saturday and it's your morning on a Sunday. So that's exciting. Why did we always, we always used to do this when we first started recording. Do you remember? We did. I don't know why we didn't just do it on the weekend like we do now. but I don't know. I don't know.
00:00:58
Speaker
because the weekends is much easier in general. um but I think I was like delusional and I thought I like wanted to keep my weekends free. I feel like I was like, I don't want to have it every weekend. you know I want to make sure my weekends are free for fun things. and Now I've realized that I never do fun things and I'm always free on a Sunday evening to record a podcast. say it's better though It's better to not be getting up yeah so early morning.
Amy's Health Update and Lifestyle Reflection
00:01:24
Speaker
um but Without further ado, I have some exciting news to update you on and everyone listening. um So it's the seven year anniversary of me being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis this month, and probably like last week to be fair. I think it was like one of the teen days of the month, like 17 or 18 or something.
00:01:47
Speaker
and But I went for my checkup with my consultant at the hospital and you probably know that I had come off hydroxychloroquine at the beginning of this year. So I'm nine months into not having hydroxychloroquine and I've been fine. I've like remained asymptomatic for that those whole nine months.
00:02:12
Speaker
Um, and that was even despite like losing my job and interviewing multiple times a week for three months, like very, going through very stressful stuff. Um, and my rheumatologist, well, I suggested it and he backed it, which is, I wasn't expecting him to do at all. Um, I'm going to try coming off all medication. Amy, that's huge. so Nice. Oh my gosh.
00:02:42
Speaker
That's so exciting though. Really exciting. um Yeah, really exciting. I mean, it would be so epic to have like a period of life med free. And I definitely am in no way expecting that the whole rest of my life, I won't be on medication. Like obviously we know we know the game at this stage and i will it will creep back to me at some point and then we'll obviously have a plan ready to go when that happens. And it, I mean, I might not even be successful in coming off it now. Like he was like, I want you to be real about this. Like there's every chance you're going to drop some and then have a big flare up and you're going to be back here on Prednis alone. So that's, we're being real about that. And actually when he told me that I was like, hmm,
00:03:37
Speaker
I think you've talked me out of it now. Like, I think I'm going to stay on the cell for Salazine. Um, cause I was like, I can't be asked with that, like going in and yeah. But he was like, no, he really doubled down. He was like, no, like you have to be real about the fact like you're hopefully going to be here for another like 50 years. And you don't, if you can spend that some of that time, not on medication, that's better for you. So I really want you to try this.
00:04:05
Speaker
And that was really shocking because, you know, the doctors are always like, take those meds. but you' saying what they always say So for him, even for me to back out and then for him to double down and be like, no, I really think you should try it.
00:04:20
Speaker
I think that's a really, um, yeah, positive thing and scary for me. Um, but yeah, what we're going to do. So I normally take four tab and I'm not suggested, this is not medical advice. I just thought it's interesting to share. I take four sole fatality and tablets a day. So for three months going to drop down, it's very, it's going to be slow things. So three months drop down one. So I'm only taking three a day, three months drop down another one.
00:04:50
Speaker
And then another three months drop down. So I'm just on one. And then I will be seeing my consultant again. And then depending on what's happened, if I'm still asymptomatic, then I'll come off it completely when I next see him. That's, oh, that is such a win. Like honestly, I like seven years ago, Amy, Amy of the past, I'm sure it would be so proud of you.
00:05:17
Speaker
yeah like me of the future that's such a That's such a win. really Yeah, I also wanted to say at this point, and my lifestyle factors are non-existent. I don't do anything special to my diet. like i'm not and I'm not even cutting out a single food group. like I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, like within reason, obviously. I exercise normally. like I don't do anything crazy. ah Basically, the point I'm trying to make is like I felt like when I was first diagnosed, I was like, oh, the only way to come off meds is to be like vegan and do you like
00:06:00
Speaker
sauna all the time and like being therapy, having like meditative like, you know, sessions and like all this stuff that I was like, that's the only way you could ever come off medication. But I don't do any of that. Like I have a completely normal life. I would say this is actually the least practiced I'm being in any sort of wellness pursuit the whole time I've had RA. Like, i I don't even think about it. And I'm kind of like, is that the trick that we were alling yeah the trick that we were all Like, rather than living in this, like, do this, do this, like, tick off your thing. Like, yeah, tick off every day when you've taken your meds and meditated and done your exercise and got your sunlight and all of that.
00:06:50
Speaker
maybe I just needed to like pretend it wasn't happening at all and or maybe it's just the luck of the draw and this completely nonsensical thing has just decided to do another nonsensical thing and not aggravate me for a bit and maybe we like maybe we're trying to solutionize it all the time and it just doesn't make sense and there isn't a solution but Yeah, we'll see what happens. But I know obviously the guys that listen to this have been with me a lot of them or some of them have been with me from the start or for a long time at least. So I thought you'd like to know. That's amazing. That makes me so happy to hear. I'm so happy for you and I'm proud of you because I don't know.
Humorous Hospital Waiting Room Stories
00:07:35
Speaker
I feel like that's that's a big accomplishment whether it was by chance or by simply
00:07:41
Speaker
you know, living authentically and just doing your thing. So it's a win. It's a win either way. It's a win. We'll see what happens. But I just see, you know, like my biggest thing is I hate like my getting my blood taken. It's like just the ball. It's a drag because I have to go somewhere to get it done, which is annoying. But, you know, they always explode my veins, like without failure. And so this that is my one motivation of coming off meth.
00:08:06
Speaker
i would just like I would just love to not have my bloodstun for like even like a year to not have to worry about that would be incredible. So that's my biggest. That's the thing I'm most excited about. It's just not having to go and have my bloodstun. That is nice. That is nice. Yeah. The waiting room, at least here that I go to, I don't know why the lab waiting rooms are never that nice that I go to. yeah They're just like, it's very basic and like,
00:08:30
Speaker
I'm just like, wait, I want to feel a little better about making your decorate a little. that move I have to tell you a story about the last time I went to get them done because it was the summer holidays. So like the six weeks where the kids aren't at school.
00:08:45
Speaker
for the summer. And um so people had bought their kids, like I don't know if the kids were getting their bloods done or they were just were doing childcare. So there were like kids running around the waiting room, like screaming, like fighting with their siblings and stuff. This is gonna sound racist. i I don't mean for it to be racist, but where I go to the hospital, there is loads of Nepalese people because Nepal was like a big thing with the British army back in like World War II and like loads of Nepalese people moved to the UK. And where I go to get my bloods done is a place called Aldershot, which is the biggest army hub of the UK. So there's basically loads of workers there. And they just have a bit of a funny way about them.
00:09:32
Speaker
And I basically was with like an elderly, and an elderly Gurkha was with, well, she's not a Gurkha, but and an elderly Nepalese person was with two younger Nepalese people. And they just randomly decided to like crowd me in the waiting area. So the elderly women sat next to me and had the two younger ones which just stood next to me, like talking over me and just like being in my face.
00:09:58
Speaker
when there was a ton of other chairs in the waiting room. So that was stressing me out. And then um a guy came out of the bit where you have your bloods done and he was like very like Cockney Geezer, like very outgoing. Like, yeah. do Do you know what the word Cockney means, Janessa? No.
00:10:22
Speaker
It's like, you know, like a classic Londoner that they like kind of talk in a different way, like a black cabbie, like would be like, and they have like their own terminology where they're like, and oh,
00:10:36
Speaker
and like lot like Like Love Island? Yeah, a little bit more like Love Island, like, yeah, probably a little bit more like Love Island. Anyway, of that's my reference. He comes out of the bit where you actually, the actual bit where they draw your blood saying,
00:10:53
Speaker
All right, everyone, can I just check your understanding of a kiosk? Because at our hospital, you have to self check in on this like machine and they call it a kiosk. And fuck knows why? Because like it's not a kiosk. I completely understand what he's saying. Like they should just say like check in on this machine, not like check in on the kiosk. So he obviously hadn't checked in and like had got stressed out and he'd like had this bad experience.
00:11:21
Speaker
Because if he was like, bitch, he was like, can I just check what everyone thinks a kiosk is? And then his arm, he just had blood running down his arm. so And one of the women was like, oh, you're bleeding. And then he was like, fucking hell, took the plaster off and he just splattered blood all up off the floor.
00:11:44
Speaker
like like um his blight bright red blood just like splattered all up the wall by the kiosk and then the woman that had taken his blood came out and was yeah yeah took him back in to get him like properly banned like getting him a proper dressing on but anyway that my it she it was just such a comedy of errors it was so funny oh my gosh
00:12:11
Speaker
I would never want to go back either. I can't say it's that much better here, but we do have the kiosks to check in on. and you It like takes a picture of your driver's license too. It scans your license and then it attaches to your profile, like all your information. So then it is like, oh, are you here for these labs? And you're like, yeah. yeah um But I have seen fair a fair amount of elderly people not understanding because they're done on like iPads, like a tech that they did not grow up with. And they'll just sit there or just stand there very confused. And it's like, oh, I do wish there were some humans out here to help. So at least there are like, I'll help them if I see them. But I wish there were like actual like people who worked here were like, do you need assistance? um Yeah, so I'm so glad you're hopefully not going to be going there as much.
00:13:04
Speaker
Yeah,
Managing Health Disclosures at Work
00:13:06
Speaker
we'll see. It's also obviously thinking with my new job. It's also, I just don't want to like when I went, I had to go to the hospital this week, first week of my new job. And there's just so much like...
00:13:18
Speaker
Yeah, that can be hard. Yeah, it's kind of shit when you've just started somewhere. That's another thing, actually, out another while I'm on the subject. So I was a bit like, how am I going to tell my boss I have RA? You know, it's always that, and yeah, we all know that fear. But for people that don't know, listeners that don't know, I'm working at this like very glamorous,
00:13:46
Speaker
marketing agency in London. So it's like of all the places where you don't want to disclose the fact there's like something wrong with you. This is up there for that. But I was out to lunch with a woman in my team and my boss, we went out to the mall to have some lunch. And the woman in my team, she's called Anna.
00:14:09
Speaker
She's also American, funnily enough. Not that that is relevant to the story. She just started talking about how one of her close friends has just been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. What? In front of me and my boss? Yeah. So I got to be like, oh, I have rheumatoid arthritis too. And it just got to come out in the most organic,
00:14:33
Speaker
like natural way obviously like in the presence of my boss so she like heard it but I got to say like I was diagnosed seven years ago like it doesn't really affect me that much at the moment so tell your friend like even though I know she's so overwhelmed and whatever like it isn't going to be forever and like She isn't going to be suffering in this level of pain forever. like they sort They can sort you out well now. um And it yeah it just got to come out in like the best, most organic way, and I never had to have a conversation about like a serious sit-down of, like I have this condition, blah, blah, blah. So yeah, how cool is that? That's divine thus' divine timing. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was like, is has this been orchestrated? Yeah.
00:15:21
Speaker
I feel like, yeah, if is there an architect? Hashtag Casey Mitchell. Is there? I think there is. so Oh, man. That's amazing. That's good. That's great. Yeah, yeah know those conversations are hard. I still struggle with those. It's hard to know how to just bring it up and be like, oh, by the way, I have this, so I'm going to do lab work.
00:15:47
Speaker
yeah well yeah Yeah. Well, that's all good stuff. I feel like that's all encouraging. And, you know, it's just nice to hear about people who have autoimmune conditions, just like having good experiences. I feel like we just don't hear about it enough. So thank you for sharing that. Thanks. Yeah.
Reality TV's Impact on Mental Health
00:16:10
Speaker
I mean, you're welcome. Thanks for listening. Anytime.
00:16:14
Speaker
and sir Well, I guess we can move into the hot or not topic, if you'd like. The hot or not topic feels really lame after all that beautiful conversation. But let's, let's take a little dip in the shallower pool of life for this hot or not topic. So I have been watching as I'm sure many people in the US have been tuning into the secret lives of Mormon.
00:16:44
Speaker
moms and it's talks about mom talk. Oh Lordy. So that's the hot or not topic. Um, like is it hot? Is the secret life of more than is the show but yeah or is it not? Okay. Oh, okay. I'll start. I just took a good deep breath. You know, it's good when I have to have a serious exhale. Um, okay. I am not going to lie lie when I tell you I devoured this show.
00:17:13
Speaker
And that as I did this, it was a show that I knew I was going to watch. And my husband was like, I do not care to watch this. He would be on the couch sometimes when I was playing. like He'd come out from pottery, come sit down. um And by the third episode, my husband said, this show gives me anxiety. like It's just like intense music. It's girls fighting all the time. like i I feel anxious for you. And he walked away, and I noticed it made me more self-aware that like Yeah, it probably isn't using some anxiety. ah However, I did watch the whole season at the, it was entertaining in the way of wanting to just be numbed out. And I'm not saying that's a positive thing necessarily, but sometimes it can be a sweet, sweet oasis after a long day. The only thing is I am currently not employed and I'm not having a long day. So I literally numbed out.
00:18:14
Speaker
and watched this show. So I finished the whole season and I honestly felt at the very end of it that one, I learned nothing. Two, I felt extremely weirded out by watching all these women dance for TikTok together and then like hate each other right after. ah So it's hot in the way that it's addictive like the Kardashians.
00:18:40
Speaker
but it's really not hot in my opinion because you literally I can't let each episode is like an hour and maybe there's seven. So I think I lost seven hours of my life too. There's a damn, damn show. Yeah. Yeah. My thoughts too. I've got two thoughts that are busting out. One, I watched 10 minutes of the first episode and there was a conversation about how like two girls were like going to coffee. And she was like, basically one of them was just like, I'm not getting enough sex from my husband. And then I was like, that I turned it off after that.
00:19:21
Speaker
I was like, when it's that, like that's the first that's like the first sentence she made on her TV debut, was that like just like airing the fact she's not getting enough sex. So I was like, that? name No. No. I'm not watching that. I'm not watching that.
00:19:38
Speaker
ah But also too, I have then since seen on TikTok that one of the women on this show was the one that were like, her baby was in the hospital and she was doing it. So we found out um yeah that Ryan has RSV.
00:19:56
Speaker
So I'm praying for him.
00:20:01
Speaker
It's literally like I just don't I can't even comprehend like where the priorities of the of people are at anymore. Like like I cannot and the fact that like in the show she addresses that this girl seems Whitney and she was like no I wanted to bring love and like awareness to my child and I'm just gonna you know what this might be the hottest hot or not I've had. Okay, it is such a fucking cop out to use.
00:20:28
Speaker
like in my opinion is such a fucking cop out to use religion and to use feminism as a way and means of creating just trash into the internet. Like dancing around a sick child because you wanted to have prayers for them. No, just that that's not respectful to the child. And there's a lot of other ways to ask for prayers for someone who's sick and then exploiting them in a hospital bed. Like,
00:20:58
Speaker
It wouldn't do it for, I hope you wouldn't do it for an elderly person, right? That's just rude. And it's the same if it's a baby to me, so. I think it was this exploitation at the end of the day. Like I know that's quite a heavy word to put on it, but it is if you are exploiting your child for views for views and shares and stuff like that. Listen, she's obviously, she's not the first person to exploit their child for like fame and whatever, but this yeah. Yeah.
00:21:27
Speaker
Yeah, I just listen. The world doesn't need more vapid, young women to be famous for nothing.
00:21:40
Speaker
Yes. Like I know that that feels like ah an anti-feminist statement, but we really, we are on the precipice of maintaining humanity yeah like a positive, a positive, like, you know, onward growing entity. And shit like this is going to push humanity off the other side of, the wrong side of that precipice for sure.
00:22:10
Speaker
Agreed. So well said. So well said. I'm gonna say it's not hot. It's not hot. It's not hot. I've written up. Ironically, if I may, I've been watching The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Oh no, Amy!
00:22:28
Speaker
Which is, no, I promise you it's so much better. They are like, that they're not, for one, they're not all morbid. And they're like, they they have just, the characters have like more depth. And I think the whole franchise, and you know, at this point it's been running for like, God knows how long, like over a decade. They just, yeah, it's, that they cast better, like,
00:22:52
Speaker
they it's produced better they have more interesting like complex is genuinely more interesting complex issues come through like it is by no means like a documentary it's still a reality show but it's more yeah like there yeah there's more depth there is slightly more depth to it like I would actually say there's more depth to housewives the the real housewives generally then even like the Kardashians because they actually go into like divorce, like death of a spouse, like and people potentially changing their sexuality. They go into like court cases. They go into like religion. You know what I mean? It actually is. People are sharing like their real lives. It's multifaceted. Yeah, it's multifaceted. Yeah. Yeah. No, that is refreshing.
00:23:45
Speaker
And the real house was sort of like city is hot. I mean, even just the names, maybe that doesn't, that doesn't sound hot at all, but the name sounds better. It really doesn't. Um, but yeah, I mean, yeah, that's okay. I'll have to give that one a try then. You should. I think you should. I think, get I think, I think, yeah. And I think actually Zach might even, maybe, no, probably not. I think we like me, she's doing that but probably not.
00:24:11
Speaker
We'll have to get his take. I'll let you know. Yes. Well, we'll kind of segue here into our topic for this episode. um So Amy, you mentioned your new job, and that is so awesome. And I think a lot of people are starting to incorporate new things in their lives and or things are evolving. And that's super exciting. But the other kind of side of the coin of excitement can be fear.
00:24:41
Speaker
And there's a lot of fear in all different types of things.
Understanding Fear and Its Role in Life
00:24:44
Speaker
And for example, one thing that Amy and I both know is there can be fear in your autoimmune journey. um So especially in the beginning, like you were saying for your co-worker's friend going through that, like hang in there, like it will at some point you will not be in this.
00:25:00
Speaker
extreme pain as consistently. you know So this is an episode that today it's just designed to help you feel more rooted in moving forward with what you want to do and your intentions. It's to help you kind of feel unstuck by fear. So I wanted to open up the episode with a quote.
00:25:22
Speaker
I want to be really clear. I did not come up with this quote. I heard this in middle school. I cannot recall who said it. I have searched the the interwebs. I have searched the World Wide Web, and I cannot find the person who said this. So if you know, please let us know so I can say who it was. But the quote is, the avoidance of failure is not the same as the pursuit of success. And I love that saying. I love that quote because I am someone Who is this quote? So more recently, like literally more recently in my last job, I was oftentimes doing things to position myself to not fail. So I would not skip, but I'd find ways around difficult situations. And some may say that's adaptive. And I would agree to some extent, but when you're doing it consistently to avoid failure, um it sometimes double triples your work.
00:26:19
Speaker
um And it can just really wear on you. So I was avoiding failure in areas where if I had failed, it probably would have led to me learning how to do things a little differently. um And so it's just the idea that maybe failure is a part of success.
00:26:35
Speaker
that's been on my mind lately. um So let's talk a little bit about fear. I feel like a lot of us have heard about this emotion. So we're not going to spend too much time on it. But I just want to say, in essence, with what we're going through on this topic, in essence, the idea is that if we can manage this properly, we can transform the barrier of fear into a catalyst for success. Like we said, it's part of success. So fear is in emotion.
00:27:02
Speaker
It is designed to keep us alive. That is its purpose, its main goal. And evolutionarily, this was really helpful back in like caveman days, because if there's a lion out there that you saw, you should be afraid. You don't want to die. You want to stay alive. So that's what fear is there for. Or if there's a berry that you've never eaten back then, you might want to be afraid. You don't really know the outcome of eating that.
00:27:29
Speaker
so The problem with fear is that it was extremely helpful and when we were living in caveman days. However, with technology and society and all the advancements of life, we are accelerating at a rate that our brain really cannot keep up with evolutionarily. So our brains are still really hardwired and designed for um primitive ways of living.
00:27:53
Speaker
ah What that means is we are living in a society that can trigger the feeling of fear when in reality nothing is going to kill us. Remember, it's to keep you alive. Most of the things we are afraid of are not necessarily going to kill us. And something that's really interesting is a lot of living organisms feel fear, and so if you I don't know, take a deer for example. They do actually feel fear and that's what makes them run. It puts them into their fight or flight as well. So it's pretty awesome to see it in the animal kingdom because it works for them. It's designed to work for them. However, we have evolved um and we need to learn how to have fear work for us.
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah, no yeah mean me and Edwa talk about this. What you were saying around the world has like sped up at a faster rate than our brains can then deal with it with. um So Edwa works in sales, in software sales. My dad also used to work in software sales at the critical point of his career.
00:29:04
Speaker
and We explain it perfectly through how different him and Ed was working days despite the fact they were both doing the same thing. So like my dad would like leave home, go to the office,
00:29:23
Speaker
like physically like maybe catch up with his co-workers maybe go on like a desktop computer to look at something but it didn't really even have email for like most of his career he'd be calling people so it maybe do some cold calls and then drive to see a client um And have that experience, whatever it is with the client, like a meeting and then come home and like not really talk to his boss until the next day. Whereas Edward doing the exact same job is like on his computer.
00:29:57
Speaker
being slacked by people all day. Like, do you have this? How's this going? He's like updating his lead, the status of his leads, like in software. So at any point, anyone in the company can look and he's got to have all of that updated. And he's having like Zoom, four Zoom calls a day with multiple people.
00:30:20
Speaker
to the same end. like It's literally the same job, but how much more disturbing is that experience for Edouard than it was for my dad 20, 30 years ago? and like that how I just think that's a great example of like the pace of change and how much more in our day how many more like fear triggers we deal with now in our day-to-day life, even in 20, 30 years.
00:30:46
Speaker
Yeah, no, that's spot on. It's it's kind of wild. It's wild the difference in like just two people's lifetimes, how much that can change. yeah it's yeah It's interesting. so that That feeling of fear though, like having so many things coming at you at once.
00:31:03
Speaker
so I know we've talked about capitalism before. I don't want to turn it completely that way, but just know that capitalism isn't designed to really have you thrive necessarily. It's designed to have a system thrive. So keep them mind um i think that for what we're going to talk about. Actually, I just want to say while I was talking about fear, my dad believes that capitalism and our modern society is actually designed to keep you in just the right amount of fear state so yeah that you like are repressed enough like scared and repressed enough to like not feel that you can um like rebel against it um but like enough that you like you still feel like there's a reason to keep going like in terms of taking care of your family or whatever your motivation is and yeah he believes he believes the them they keep very strategically keep us in just the right amount of fear so i agree with him yeah yeah i'm i'm actually right there thank you mr hill so
00:32:16
Speaker
So I like that actually quite a lot. um So moving moving forward with this too. So it's really common with fear that it creates these things called like false evidence. So false evidence, and there's something called filling in the blanks, which I feel is a little bit more digestible than false evidence. So filling in the blanks is we perceive something,
00:32:40
Speaker
um let's say we perceive a football ah near a kid who's crying holding his elbow. Now you may fill in the blanks and say, okay, that kid was hit with that football and it hit him really hard and he's crying.
00:32:55
Speaker
when in reality it could be that a wasp just bit that kid and it had nothing to do with the football. um yeah However, the gaps are psychologically there for us because in times, again, like yeah caveman times, you would want to put together and understand where that line came from. Probably came from that bush, right? Because you hear a sound over there. So evolutionarily, it's a very intelligent way of thinking.
00:33:20
Speaker
However, in a world where there are many possibilities in a variety of ways something can come about, it can be actually pretty daunting for us ah because there's just more options than we used to have for how something is going to happen. so When we create these false evidences, what's important to remember for fear is we can use an acronym that it's false evidence appearing as real.
00:33:45
Speaker
I love that. I didn't come up with that. That came from a TED talk from like years ago, but I absolutely love that because that's all it is. When you break down your fear, if it's one, if it's false, then you can know that that is fear. And that's the way you can separate fear from anxiousness or fear from frustration even is, is it false? If you know it's false, then you can say, okay, this is leaning more towards fear.
00:34:15
Speaker
Um, if it's evidence based, like false evidence, like you're saying. So again, you believe that soccer ball hit the kid, but you're not sure you didn't see it.
00:34:25
Speaker
then there is reason for doubt there. And if it's appearing as real, that's where it gets tricky, and that's where we're going to concentrate on. and So there's actually a study that Georgia State University conducted in 2022. It's a study of fear of failure. And what they found, um their findings was 30% of the US population has a fear of failure. And that's actually a really significant amount, because if we break it down, that's about 94.2 million people.
00:34:54
Speaker
ah in our current population of about roughly 314 million people in the US, s out of them 94.2 have a consistent fear of failure. um I wanted to quote that because that is a top fear in the US, and I believe it's not in the US. I think that fear stretches all around the world, truly. um yeah and yeah um I would be really interested to know how that relates generationally because I also believe it is a symptom of our generation.
00:35:34
Speaker
because maybe us and our parents, but because we haven't really experienced severe hardship. like I know like things have happened on the world stage that have been frightening, like terrorism obviously is something quite new that's come out, but I think we almost... Yeah, I think that's a symptom of something that's come from the way that we've had a quite... like safe upbringing, whereas like people that experienced the Great Depression, World War I, Spanish influenza, World War II, I feel like they weren't scared about community. They weren't scared about like publics. You know what I mean? like They weren't scared about the stuff that we're scared about now. Definitely. No, 100%. And even just on that topic, i
00:36:27
Speaker
the increase of social media in our day and age and even our parents just kind of, you know, but more more for millennials. um The increase of social media has increased the eyes and the views and the people who are seeing what you're doing because you're putting it out there. Whereas I think a lot of other generations probably has similar fears, but it was downsized to the people that were in their community or the communities they were a part of. So they weren't having to interpret or decipher how what they post would make a bunch of random people feel that they may or may not know all over the world. So yeah I agree 100%. I think that this has a lot to do with
00:37:09
Speaker
a generational difference. However, I would like to see the science. I'd be really cool. um yeah So along those lines, you know a lot of people are feeling this fear of failure. And I can say I have been there and I still am working with that. I personally am very weary of people who say that they have banished fear completely or that they completely overcome their fears.
00:37:36
Speaker
I don't think that's realistic biologically. I think, like we said, managing fear is a whole different thing, um and that is more reliable and consistent if you continue to work at that. It's something that can be achieved, but you'll, again, be kind of pulled back into triggering situations where you'll need to use your tools you've been learning about to help you de-escalate within your own mind.
00:38:01
Speaker
So let's talk about examples of false evidence again. So I want to bring it back um because while the kid with the soccer ball was one, that is kind of what I made up on the spot, but ones that I have really thought about that impact people in our generation and beyond our job. So here's here's one. So let's say you've applied for a job.
00:38:25
Speaker
and you're really excited about the job and you got an email back saying thank you so much, however you didn't qualify for this position or it just wasn't the right fit. That could lead you to come up with false evidence that you are not good enough to do that job or it disqualifies you from being great in that type of position.
00:38:47
Speaker
The problem with that thinking is there's a variety of reasons why someone may not have hired you and it might just be situational for the most part. It usually is. So that's a fear that can be really pervasive because it can prevent people from ah reapplying to a position that they actually may be very well equipped to handle and or may help them grow. Maybe that was something they really needed. So the way that false ah evidence can work is it can hold us back in the future. It's a past thought or a past experience.
00:39:20
Speaker
that's kind of rearing its head into the future saying, hey, remember when you didn't get that last job? Well, what if it happens that way? And that induces fear. ah The second one I came up with, which this one I feel really strongly to, um I know we've talked about this in other episodes, Amy and I, but This is one where a teacher, a peer, or a colleague commented on where you were at with your understanding of a subject or a topic and how you weren't quite where um they thought you should be or they feel that you're not grasping the entirety of the topic or subject.
00:39:55
Speaker
That is a personal one for me. I have been there. I literally had my fifth grade teacher, like this still is haunting to me. My fifth grade teacher told me good luck with graduating middle school at one point because my grades were so low in fifth grade. um I was really struggling and I had like fully learned how to read in fifth grade, which is much later than other kids.
00:40:19
Speaker
um And she said that, and she didn't mean it jokingly, and that like haunted me through a lot of my schooling, and even as an adult. like I almost wanted to, and it's so petty, but I always wanted to email her and be like, hey, I graduated high school, oh, and and college. like Thanks. you know But I'm like, okay, no, if I can reframe this, I can use this as, that was some good anger fuel that helped get me where I wanted to go. i am But that kind of stuff, when it's said to you, you don't even have to be a kid that could be in college or your thesis paper, or it could be a colleague at your work who's like, Oh, ah I'd expect more out of your reports, you know, so that can make us, you know, rely on these really false evidence and beliefs of what we're doing isn't good enough, which induces fear. Yeah, I feel like another great example of false evidence inducing fear is
00:41:16
Speaker
Um, when you've been in like a state of illness, like us with our RA, how, and you'd be like, Oh, like when I, when I did that thing, I had a really bad flare up or like, that was a really bad experience for me because I was flaring. That even when you progress and you're in a better place with your illness, you still have fear around like certain activities.
00:41:40
Speaker
because of the false evidence that was provided to you before, when you were flaring. And I think you might be like, well, that's not false evidence because I really did like experience something and it was really painful. and But it is false evidence if that's not the state you're in now. And I think we see a pattern of people being held back because of experiences they've had, like because of,
00:42:10
Speaker
ah experiences around their illnesses specifically that they've had and not being able to move past that mentally, even if your body has moved past that point of like disability now.
00:42:25
Speaker
No, that's spot on. Yeah. there's There's moments in my life where I have to remember that I am not in the same situation I was six years ago with my body. So like I don't have to be afraid to eat that thing at the wedding or I don't have to be afraid to try rock climbing. and Yeah, it it is hard though because that type of false evidence, it's so tricky because you're right. you Your body cellularly remembers that hurt, which goes beyond emotion. It like just locks it in. So that is a really tough one to work with, but like a really important one, Amy, because if if we don't
00:43:04
Speaker
learn to see that fear for what it is, then we will lose the opportunity to like live fully with where we're at currently. Yeah, it's very important. So with fear, I wanted to really kind of drive home some quotes that have been helping me personally.
Overcoming Personal Fears and Finding Peace
00:43:24
Speaker
So since I've been unemployed, which feels so funny to say, which by the way, one of my fears, I will say this in the past was being unemployed, because I felt like if I wasn't doing something to produce value or money that it would be viewed as lazy or like I wasn't contributing to society or my marriage or my family.
00:43:49
Speaker
And it's actually been totally the opposite experience for me. Having this time has made it so that I've focused on my marriage. I have focused on creating a calm environment in my home, in my mind, in my soul. And like for the first time, like ever that I can remember as an adult, I think I may have mentioned this last episode, maybe.
00:44:11
Speaker
I don't know. Maybe it was with my therapist. Sorry. But anyway, I didn't mention the same same thing. <unk> sorry what he's saying So I literally felt peace for the first time as an adult, like genuine peace. It was like three weeks ago on a Sunday, oddly enough, and I woke up. I was in no pain.
00:44:36
Speaker
nothing And I'm not often in pain when I wake up anymore, to be honest, but every now and then my fingers are inflamed. And I woke up feeling so well rested, so hydrated, and just so with it. like I felt just so calm. And that whole day, I felt like rolled by in the smoothest of ways. And I just haven't felt a day like that in a really, really long time where I just felt so grateful for everything.
00:45:04
Speaker
um And I would, I'd like to think that's one blessing, but two also a product of kind of meeting a divine experience through the experience of facing the fear of not being as productive ah as I was in society. Um, that being able to still remember that I am worthy and still hold value and that what I'm doing here still makes a difference for my life and my marriage, my family.
00:45:33
Speaker
that allowed me to feel that peace. um So these quotes that I wanted to share with you all kind of helped me out with that as well. The quotes here are specifically from a devotional I've been doing and this devotional is Christian based. I am not Christian at this time.
00:45:52
Speaker
However, I think there's a lot we can learn from spirituality and religion. Take the best, leave the rest kind of stuff. So a lot of these quotes use the word God, but I want you to consider putting in the word that resonates with you, whether that be universe, spirit, Mother Earth, Gaia, whatever. Please do that if true or ever feels right for you. So I'll be reading them as they are though. So the first quote is that God can see our lives from a much higher viewpoint than we can. And this has been pivotal to me because I think when we're in a state of fear, our lens on life doesn't give us the peripheral view or the eagle eye view on our life to see how this is intertwined with who we are on the other side of the experience. So if you allow yourself to suspend your disbelief for a moment and just imagine that there is some greater power source architect up there who has designed these opportunities when you're faced with fear to lead you to something bigger. If you could imagine that it can actually alleviate a lot of the pressure you may have around the fear knowing that it actually was designed for you to potentially overcome or start to overcome. And then another quote that really stood out to me is um
00:47:13
Speaker
you'll probably feel you'll probably feel called before you're ready. This is huge. This is so big. so I genuinely feel sometimes that like ah like leaving um my position I left, I wanted to leave for a long time. and I just was like, no, you're not ready. You're you're never going to be ready. You're not ready.
00:47:36
Speaker
and then finally I just jumped and i did it um and I did it with planning, to be honest. It wasn't reckless, but I did make a jump that did still contain fear there. and I don't think I ever would have been ready, but it's led me to a point in my life where I'm ready to open new doors now.
00:47:56
Speaker
And if I hadn't have made that leap for myself, if I had just stayed in a fierce state, things would have actually deteriorated a lot more for me um in that position, whether that be my mental or emotional health and or literally the contract I was working under did not go through. So that company would have left anyway. So in all honesty,
00:48:19
Speaker
Something that is beautiful, I think, is that if you're feeling called to do something, consider that that calling is asking you to take a leap of faith towards it. Yeah. I think that kind of, I mean, I don't want to speak too soon because we haven't really like had the outcome.
Taking Risks and Trusting the Process
00:48:40
Speaker
Yeah. like ah But with my new job, I definitely.
00:48:44
Speaker
there was 100% a leap of faith in that. I wasn't really sure what the job is. Still not 100% sure what the job is, to be honest. um But it it was the job that I got, interestingly. So I was applying for a lot of different jobs, which felt more aligned to like my experience and like what I would see myself doing. And I wasn't getting any of them.
00:49:10
Speaker
Whereas I got this job. Um, so I think that's really interesting talking about like the, um, talking about God and like what, like whether this was. Yeah, whether this was God's work, the fact that I got this one for whatever reason, when it's the one that like, I thought I was least likely to get, and I thought I messed up the interview. And like, there's so many things where.
00:49:35
Speaker
it didn't feel like this would be the one and yeah it turned out that it has been. and But also I 100% don't feel ready for it because I'm actually like kind of inexperienced in the industry. So it's yeah, that very, in terms of like my lived experience right now is hugely aligned to like, you will, you might feel called before you're ready because yeah, I was stepping up to the plate having no idea where that ball's gonna come from.
00:50:05
Speaker
I love that metaphor though, because with that metaphor, if you think of baseball, even if you strike out that turn, you're going to come back around to bat again. yeah I think that's the most important thing with failure is like, you will you will come back and you will be there again.
00:50:26
Speaker
This just reminds me of a Cinderella story with Hilary Duff, where there's a quote, you know, the quote from that film that's like, don't let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game.
00:50:37
Speaker
Oh, it's like on the wall, right? Like when the wallpaper comes off. It's her dad's motto, yeah. Oh my gosh, I haven't seen that in so long. I love that movie though. It had like Chad something in it. Chadwick Murray. Yeah. Hilary Duff. Wow. What a lineup. And that hilarious woman. Jennifer Coolridge. I don't know. What a lineup. What a star-studded lineup. But yeah, sorry, back to the yeah.
00:51:05
Speaker
Yeah, I guess there's a reason baseball metaphors, eat you know, exist. Yeah. and Absolutely. yeah Yeah. So that's, yeah, that is a good point though. Stepping up to the plate, you never know, might hit a home run or you might just come back learning something. Um, so some other quotes I had in here that I've been pretty,
00:51:27
Speaker
Pivotal for me recently, how this devotional are um sometimes we're in a situation for a reason and rather than God getting us out of the situation, we're actually meant to be in it so we can meet him. I love that so much.
00:51:45
Speaker
I love that because I think it's very common to wish you were not in a particular circumstance or situation. And that's very fair because I don't know what you're going through. So I'll speak for myself. so It's common. I had to put myself in check. It's common for me to pray to be out of this like in a way there are days with unemployment where I'm like alright god I'm ready to receive and like the job that I meant to do at this time when you're ready to give that to me
00:52:18
Speaker
And it makes me want to be out of the situation, right? However, if I'm taking this time in, still putting in the effort to apply for jobs, I might be able to learn something about myself. And that's what I'm doing, is I'm meeting myself where I am right now. um And I think that's the thing. I think a lot of us want to change our circumstances rather than change like our heart about why we feel about something.
00:52:46
Speaker
Yeah, it's always they the last thing anybody ever wants to change is their heart and what's going on inside of them. It's almost like the easiest option is to change what's going on around you, when often it's not.
00:53:02
Speaker
often it's actually much easier to change how you feel about something than it is to change your external circumstances. But it's always the last place we look. It's inside of us. That's so true. Yes. And then um ah the last one I have here is um God met me when I started facing down my fears. So I think this if we if I take this and I kind of morph this into something that feels more ah in alignment with me right now would be that I continue to meet a upgraded version of myself every time I face down a fear.
00:53:38
Speaker
ah And upgraded maybe, maybe there's a different word, honestly, because sometimes when I meet myself on the other side of fear, if I chickened out and I didn't fully face that fear, I'm a little disappointed with who I meet on the other side.
00:53:54
Speaker
But there are times when a fear comes back around and I handle it a different way and I am really proud of myself. Or I know that I couldn't have done that a few years ago. I wouldn't have had the voice to do that or the drive to get it done. um So yeah, that's that's one that stands out to me.
00:54:14
Speaker
I have to just say, while you were talking, and we're talking about these like quotes about fear, my Bible app just sent me a verse of the day. ah Let me read you a verse of the day. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand. It is I who say to you, fear not, I am the one who helps you.
00:54:41
Speaker
Whoa!
00:54:44
Speaker
saying that that would That's... yeah, that is on point. Dang. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks. Totally. Wow. Yeah, so I just think, you know, these codes...
Reflective Practices: Journaling and Growth
00:55:02
Speaker
to really bring it back in. When I really consider these, and when I do my devotional every morning these days, it helps me to reevaluate what my fears are. And it really allows me the solitude to break it down with myself. And I journal after I do my devotional. And I really journal in depth now, I've gotten really into it. And when I really break down a lot of my fears, a lot of these fears
00:55:32
Speaker
just stem from the fear of not being enough or being a failure at what I do. But what compounds those fears are the false evidence that I come up with on my own still. Yeah, a lot of those. And so I wanted to and Amy wanted to we wanted to talk to you guys about this because it's really easy to feel alone. ah But like we said, like, like that size, I'd literally like millions of people feel fear on a daily basis. And it is designed to have us survive, but just remember what fear is in the current modern day society. And just remember that you're not being chased by a lion. That you're going to be okay. And if you are being chased by a lion, I'm so sorry. And hopefully you're not listening to this podcast. Putting it out there. I think it would be really fun.
00:56:27
Speaker
for you guys i mean and me and Janessa, although I feel like I get the feeling Janessa probably does this already, to check yourselves on whether what you're feeling is actually true um or whether it's false evidence that you're coming up with. So being like, what that I'm feeling this fear because why? And be like, but it ah is that actually the case? Like, is this actually true? And I think that could be a good way to work to overcome fear.
00:56:57
Speaker
Yeah. If you journal that too, what Amy is just saying, I think something I've learned, I was looking over in my journal for the past two years. but I had a huge journal for the past two years and I finally finished it. And I was looking back and I had noted things I was scared about. And then I had journaled about going through it.
00:57:17
Speaker
and then I had journaled about where I was. And it almost becomes your own individual dictionary of your fears. And you can actually go back because fears tend to reoccur. They tend to come back up and hurt their heads. But you can remember how the last one went and what you learned from it or the triumph you had with it.
00:57:36
Speaker
And that's important because life is moving at an insanely fast pace, like you were saying with Edward's job, that there's so much going on on a daily basis. um So just to be able to have your own evidence that is true, that you can look at and it's real and you are there at that time can help you really decipher what you were saying, Amy. like Are those fears legitimate? like Are these things I need to work on or are these things I need to release?
00:58:04
Speaker
I love it. I think that's the, I think that's the takeaway for the episode. Yeah. Well, my goodness, it just flies by, but you'll see you here in like two weeks, you guys. We are wishing you lots of love and
Encouragement to Face Fears and Embrace Light
00:58:21
Speaker
luck. And remember to face down those fears, baby. And until then. Remember to let the light in. Bye.