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Episode 51: Amy's SA Story
44 Plays8 months ago
After years dealing with autoimmune disease, evidence is falling into place that unresolved trauma, causing near constant stress signals in the body, could be partly to blame. In this weeks episode Amy's tells her SA story, what she sees as the original wound that may be the cause of her RA. Listener discretion is advised. If this weeks topic is triggering for you, please seek help:
In the U.S National Sexual Assault Hotline – A confidential, free 24/7 hotline for one-on-one crisis support. Call 1-800-656-HOPE or chat online. (RAINN)
UK Find Your Nearest Rape Crisis Services – In England and Wales, call the rape crisis helpline at 0808-802-9999 or find your nearest facility (Rape Crisis)
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Transcript
Introduction to Wounded Healers Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Wounded Healers podcast.
00:00:10
Speaker
I'm Janessa. And I'm Amy. We were brought together by our shared wound of an autoimmune condition in our early 20s. This is a place where we explore our wounds with our listeners and guests who recognize the challenges of being human in hopes of helping all of us let the light in.
00:00:29
Speaker
Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the Wounded Heelers podcast. I'm Amy and I'm here with Janessa. Hey. Hey, everybody. I'm Janessa. I love doing that because there's only two of us for great. For those of you that don't know.
00:00:45
Speaker
If it really is, if you don't know, I don't have a cool accent, but I'm here. Yes, you do. I love your accent. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I love your accent. Well, we're happy to be back.
Dynamic of Hosting: Guests vs. Hosts
00:00:57
Speaker
I feel like our last episode was pretty exciting to have a guest on, but it's also really exciting when we get to come back here with just the two of us. And yeah, there's something really nice about that. Yeah, it is. Because when we have a guest on, we try and be a bit more like Rightly so. We try and be a bit more like, you know, professional. Yes. But when it's just us two, it just feels like friends catching up, which is much preferred. Yes, definitely. Yeah. And we've got an absolute belter of a hot or not to kick off this episode.
Hot or Not: The Ethics of Hunting
00:01:28
Speaker
And it's going to be, you're all going to be like, what the hell? um But our hot or not this week is hunting. Hunting. Animals specifically. Yep. Oh my God. ah Share your thoughts, please.
00:01:41
Speaker
Okay. Okay. I feel a lot of ways around hunting. I'm going to start back that I know that this was a method for us to get food yeah at some point. So I can't fully hate on hunting because it's actually what allowed a lot of us to be here. yeah Love that viewpoint. I feel like there's just two different types of hunters in my mind, even though that's putting hunters in a very small amount of boxes. But my mind is like,
00:02:09
Speaker
You're either hunting as a trophy hunter, which is one thing where you're killing things just to kill them. You're hanging it up and that feels like shit to me. I'm like, that is awful. You know what I mean? Like you're killing something just to like hang it up on your wall. Like you're not even eating it. You're not doing anything else with it or just to say you've killed it.
00:02:28
Speaker
ah yeah But I am for real hunting, like hunting hunting, where it's like if you are looking for a means of being closer to the way you are eating your food. yeah um I don't, I initially, like the old vegan in me, which I was vegan for a long time, wants to be like, no, but honestly, I think If you're going to eat meat and if you are not familiar with the process in which a lot of your meat it comes to you, then that's problematic. so I think there are hunters who are very aware of that process and they yeah are hunting and they are eating this meat. and um They're doing it in a way, some hunters do it in a way where they use a lot of the body. so They're using like the bone to make.
00:03:12
Speaker
you know, broth, they're using the skin to make hide clothes or like to make something out of that. Um, I just feel like that type of hunter is not as common anymore though, which makes me a little sad. Um, but I absolutely do not condone trophy hunting, like killing of lions and like rhinos. I cannot, you don't touch the lions or the rhinos. That's what I say. Yeah. Yeah. Good. I bet that. that I think you're right about people that hunt to eat them. At the end of the day, we all, if you eat meat, an animal has died to be on your plate. So you you should be okay with the idea of someone cutting out the middleman and doing that themselves if you're okay with like eating a burger. And to be the hypocrite that I am, I personally couldn't do that, but I will eat a burger. But no, i couldn't I really don't think I could like look an animal in the eye and take its life. like I really don't think I could do that. I randomly went to an abattoir on a work trip once when I worked in like the food industry, which is where they sort of animals for food.
00:04:21
Speaker
um And we did it all backwards. So they like start you at the packaging and you're like, this is fine. Yeah. And then they go to like the mincing room and you're like, it's just like chunks of meat being minced. And then you go to like the butchery hall and that like that's when it like starts to get a bit crazy. like There's literally animals carcasses like going around on the ceiling and like men with chainsaws like chaining off a bit of the animal. like on them This is like on a mass scale, obviously.
00:04:49
Speaker
and then you go to like the processing room where they literally like have machines that like rip the skin off of the carcass and they like put the eyeballs in like a bucket I shit you not like it's nuts and then a cow fell from the ceiling, but fell from a trap door in the ceiling and a man shoved a spear in its heart and then it's just there to drain the blood. And then you go out to where the freaking cows are in their pens waiting for that to happen to them. And then the cow walks through, like it gets removed from the pen, it walks through barriers and it gets a, um
00:05:35
Speaker
like a little pellet in its brain. So it like effectively is brain dead. So when it comes through the ceiling, it's already like brain dead. So like when the spear goes through its heart. So I think they do it. So it's like, there's not one person that's um responsible for ending its life. Cause some people can be like, oh, the pellet in the brain is ending its life. Some people would be like, oh, the spear in the heart is ending. It's like, you know what I mean? So it's not like there's one man that works at the abattoir that's like the death man.
00:06:04
Speaker
anyway horrendous but i would do that whole thing and like the bit where the cow was like waiting to get the pellets in the brain i started crying at a work trip Oh my god. With a client, I was like sobbing and I was like, I want to leave now, please. Please let me leave. Yeah, dude. See, and that is where it gets confusing for me because I feel like my personality would be like break in there and save all those cows. But I eat a burger. I eat burgers. I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, no. Anyway, I went completely off topic. I just have to to I have to tell that story. but um While and that week that was for work, not school.
00:06:47
Speaker
That was for work, yeah, because I worked in like, ah I worked for a supermarket. So it was like this the the supplier of beef to the supermarket. You're like, empty and crying. I was like like, great. I can market this so much better now. Thank you.
00:07:06
Speaker
and But on to hunting, on to hunting. So in the UK, we have a very unique scenario where you know that we are tiny, you know, like as a country, we're tiny.
00:07:20
Speaker
um we got rid of all the apex predators a long time ago. So we used to have wolves, we used to have bears, we used to have some other stuff that would hunt deer, but we hunted all the apex predators and now the deer are left to run a mark and breed insanely and ruin the ecosystems of our woodland.
00:07:51
Speaker
So that it's we're in an unfortunate place where there's no natural way for deer populations to be controlled. So in the UK, if we didn't hunt deer, we wouldn't have a country. Like they would eat all the plants from the woodland and no other creatures would be able to survive because there'd be like no shrubbery and no cover. So we have to hunt deer.
00:08:19
Speaker
Amazing. Isn't that crazy? No, apex predators. I'm like, we have mountain lions here. We have bears. ah do You didn't, you know, yeah, people did some mad stuff when they came to America, but I think they had learned the lesson about leaving the apex predators. Yeah. Yeah. or We learned lots and don't touch them. Yeah. Oh yeah.
00:08:45
Speaker
Yeah. Although I think you did nearly get rid of all the wolves, didn't you? We did. Yeah. They're bringing them back in yeah there is one and in like Southern California that they brought over and it was trying to find a mate and it was like really sad because it couldn't find a mate because it was like a literal lone wolf. But I think they brought in another wolf, dropped off far away enough and then they did meet up. So that makes me happy. And then Colorado has a bunch of wolves.
00:09:11
Speaker
um Washington state has like a wolf san sanctuary. So I think we're working on it. We're pretty bad, but we're working on being better. Yeah, that's kind of good that the that they're bringing them back. But yeah, so in the UK, I think deer hunting is okay. And then also those deers are normally processed and used for food. But on like big game hunting in Africa,
00:09:38
Speaker
in terms of like lions and stuff like that. I also agree um that you have to be pretty cold to do it and like the idea of like trophy hunting is very fucked like in terms of like humans like valuing their own life, like us as a species having a higher value than animals.
00:10:03
Speaker
um But i the hunting is what funds the conservation of those animals. Like if they didn't have tourists traveling to Africa to kill animals in a controlled way,
00:10:22
Speaker
the red, like, and they didn't make any revenue off that. I don't think the animals in Africa, like that game would be conserved the way that it is. I don't know. I don't know if it ends now. It's obviously I'm not part of that world, but I do. I have, I don't know whether that's just like propaganda that I've heard from game hunters to like excuse it or, um, whether that's the truth, but feel like I mean, take care of itself though. Like, you know what I mean? Like those predators, like.
00:10:53
Speaker
Lions kill lions at times, you know, like when they're going head to head. I don't know. I really don't know either. I feel like it might be a little propaganda, and but I don't know. i And if you want to fund conservation, go and look at the animals without killing them. Yes. Yeah. i i Donate. That's hot. That's hot. Donating the animal conservation.
00:11:17
Speaker
We've just changed the topic completely. It's hard. Unanimously hard. Yeah. So yes, I think this is a gray area hunting. Like there can't be like a it's hot or it's not. yeah I think it's probably necessary for humans to survive.
00:11:34
Speaker
It is. In fact, I would say it actually is necessary for you. I know there's like vegans out there that are like, no, leave them alone. But like in the example of the deer, like if we let deer overrun Britain and we had no other animal, like no animals had any other plant to eat, that would be problematic. So and yeah. and um But that's only because we obviously fucked with the natural order of things in the first place. But anyway, yeah here where we are now.
00:12:03
Speaker
yeah ah god I'm gonna, yeah, I guess it's like, um, I'm in the middle of the road here. Like yeah again, trophy hunting, I'm just looking for it. But if you're a real true hunter, like, and also just putting out there, if you like live off the grid and you're wanting to be self-sustaining, which is like amazing because you're like ungovernable in the most fuck withable way.
00:12:31
Speaker
That's hot as hell to me. I'm like, yeah, I'm actually your food. You do that. You're out there like skinning dirt and chopping up wood. Yeah. Yeah. I'm ovulating, you know? I'm like, God damn.
00:12:45
Speaker
So that that, to me, that's hot. Hot. Let's go with that. Let's say it was that and let's say it's hot. I like it. There we are. Great.
Exploring Personal Trauma: Amy's Story
00:12:55
Speaker
um Okay, so the topic of today's episode is something that is not hot, unfortunately, but it's something we wanted to talk about because of our last episode with Chloe where we were talking about sex and we had a conversation beforehand where Chloe kind of asked like what are experiences of sex are and stuff like that and I know I've brought up before that I was sexually assaulted in our last sex episode and then we spoke about it again with Chloe but not in the episode
00:13:31
Speaker
But it got us kind of thinking that maybe it would be useful for me to share that story of mine, um because I'm sure there's many other people that have experienced a really similar situation. But I also feel like it's the original wound. It's kind of why it's kind of why we're here. Like we speak about, or I have spoken about,
00:14:00
Speaker
The fact that I think our autoimmune illness is, well, I'm not 100% set on it, but it may be part of having an autoimmune illness is having unresolved trauma that you haven't worked through. And that would be a clear case of what's happened to me. So why not?
00:14:20
Speaker
share the original wound with the wounded healers. and yeah But that does obviously mean that this episode is going to be potentially triggering for you if you've experienced sexual assault. So please leave now and just enjoy us talking about hunting and take that as your wounded healers episode for this week.
00:14:45
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Basically you guys know yourselves better than we do. We know your limits better than we do. So most important thing for us is your health and wellbeing. So yeah, if this topic is not healthy for you to hear at this time, you can always come back, um, or you can just opt out, which I appreciate you saying, Amy, because yeah, that's, that's very mindful. Very mindful, very demure.
00:15:17
Speaker
oh god Okay, so I guess without further ado, I'll just tell the story and then we can discuss. and so i It was when, where where to start? Wait, when I was 19 and I had just turned 19, it was like a week after my 19th birthday. So it was still really a child in my in my mind. I went on a little backpacking tour of Italy ah with one of my very, very close friends, Sophie, um which was a lot of fun. Like we so we went to Napoli, Rome,
00:15:57
Speaker
Florence, Pisa, Venice, Verona, Milan, like awesome awesome trip where we got to experience some awesome things um and as part of that trip we were staying in hostels and we were in Rome on the second like stint of our trip so we're probably ah only a few days into the trip because we did a few days in like the south of Italy um and we're staying in a hostel in Rome and it was a very like party hostel like it was literally like rooms above a bar so it was very probably wasn't the safest place for two like
00:16:40
Speaker
teenage girls to stay but you know when you're like young you just don't think about you never think about what could go wrong you always just think about what sounds fun and cheap and so yeah we're staying in this hostel um and we were staying in mixed dorms our whole trip so like staying with boys and girls um which I wouldn't recommend if you are a woman, to be honest. like i But I don't know, obviously, this is me like projecting my own experience onto other people. But if you have a daughter who wants to go traveling, I would like give her more money so that she can stay in female-only dorms, honestly. Because like why would you run the risk of your daughter staying in the room with scary men?
00:17:30
Speaker
So we got to this hostel and we were in a room of four men, and me and Sophie. And when I say men, they were like 25 year old, like American men, they weren't like I mean, they weren't like boys, teenage boys our age. Like they felt much more like grown up than us. And they were American. I don't know why it's always, it's not always just like American guys, but they were very American.
00:18:01
Speaker
very frat boy it like now I've ever seen like frat boys in films it was very like that vibe they're very like outgoing and I also was very outgoing when I was younger and I remember when we met these guys They were like, I'm going to sound crunchie saying this, but like, oh, my God, this girl's got so much swag. Like, that was the word they used was like, you know, it was back in the day when Americans used the word swag all the time. um But yeah, I was like really free, really open, really friendly and probably like too friendly and definitely too like trusting of strangers. So yeah, we made a good like connection, I guess, with these guys that were like, yeah.
00:18:44
Speaker
bit older than us but then we went down to the bar of the hostel and they had a wristband so you could pay 20 euros and get a wristband and then have unlimited drinks all night Oh no. Which is like, again, something that I wouldn't recommend doing if you are 18 and in a foreign country. But yeah, so I had unlimited limoncello. And of course, I would wasn't just having like, you know, a normal drink. I was literally having like spirit, like, I don't even know what percentage limoncello is, but it's a really intense spirit. But anyway, so unlimited spirit,
00:19:28
Speaker
getting, just talking to these people as you do. Like we were like playing beer pong and like hanging out. Eventually I stopped being conscious. or not I was like, yeah, I guess I was too drunk that I couldn't like participate anymore properly. So Sophie took me back upstairs to the room and left me to go to sleep because I was like off my face and she was fine um and you know she thought she was like putting me to bed in our room which was like should have been like a safe place for me and then went back down because she was having a good time which is cool but then obviously sadly one of these men had seen that the state that I was in and knew that I was in the room on my own and knew that he could
00:20:17
Speaker
access the room and he knew that no one else would be going to the room so he came up and um like honestly I don't I don't remember it like completely clearly because obviously I had been put to bed drunk so that like the memories are hazy but there's definitely sadly like some things that you like do not forget and I remember like coming back to consciousness like us with like him above me like pinning me down and like not allowing me to move and I was like saying like please no like go away I was definitely like making it very clear that I like wasn't consenting to i like quite the opposite of consent I was literally like begging him like please get off me like I don't want this and but yeah he obviously did not and he assaulted me he didn't rape me I'm i'm pretty sure um I honestly like I don't remember 100% I'm pretty sure he didn't rape me but he did like
00:21:14
Speaker
do other stuff to me and then and I kind of like black out in terms of memory I kind of black out again and then I woke up and he was like in the bunk bed with me um and I think he must have like felt me stirring oh and everyone else had come back to the room at that point I should say so like all his friends and Sophie were back it was like the middle of the night or early morning and So yeah, he like went back to his bunk at some point and then woke up properly the next day and I was just like horrified by what had happened. I remember I went in like the shower in the room and I was just like crying in the shower. Cause this is the thing, like they were like in our space. So it wasn't even like I could like leave. Like that was the only place I could be. It was like still in the room with him, which was horrendous. And we actually
00:22:04
Speaker
as fucked as it is, we actually stayed with them in that room for two more nights because I just didn't, you know, being a child, I we didn't know how to say like, I don't want you here or like whatever. So yeah, I was like in the shower knowing that he and all of his friends were like just next door. And yeah, I was just like crying and really upset. And I think I probably came out and came back to bed and I said to Sophie, the lads had obviously left at some point,
00:22:34
Speaker
and And I was saying to Sophie like what had happened. I was like, I didn't like want him to be there. Because obviously she'd just come back and had seen that he was in there. like She didn't know anything else. So I was saying, yeah, I told her what had happened and that I didn't want it. And she said to... one of the lads, because I think I probably wasn't acting quite normal, as you would or what they expected me to be. Like, I went from like, oh, this girl has so much swag to like not talking to any of them and like freaking the fuck out. So one of them that was a bit like of a like a kind, ah morge he was a bit like, you know, like every friend group has like a kind of dorky friendly guy. He was like talking to Sophie, like, what's up with your friend? Like what's happened? And Sophie said, like,
00:23:21
Speaker
whoever his name was, and like got in bed with her last night and she didn't want that. And but and then he his friend was like, oh, like make sure he doesn't do it again or something like that.
00:23:33
Speaker
Um, but obviously being, we were in a foreign country and this was just like the beginning of our trip. So, I mean, I didn't really see the point of, well, like being in a foreign country, I definitely didn't see the point in like reporting it to the police or anything. Like what, I mean, I don't, and even today if it happened, I probably still wouldn't report it to the police in a foreign country to be fair. Cause like, what are they going to do?
00:24:00
Speaker
um But yeah and but obviously I was on this trip with my friend and we'd planned this for so long and it was her trip too and like I mean what was I gonna do like go home I wasn't gonna not see Italy like because this had happened to me like that would be silly as well so yeah we just went on and did the rest of the trip and it was because we were like backpacking it was kind of like a long longer trip it wasn't just like a week and then home so yeah I think by the end of the trip i don't know if i'd like compartmentalized it or whatever or obviously victims of like assault like that feel a lot of shame and they think like maybe it was my fault but by the time i got home i didn't tell anyone like i didn't tell my parents because i think i was probably embarrassed i think they would have like maybe been disappointed in me from the fact that i'd got so drunk you know it wasn't like i wasn't like pulled off the street like i
00:24:58
Speaker
i was in i put myself in a dangerous situation which i'm not saying i'm not i don't take any accountability on myself but in terms of the feelings of shame i think i was like maybe that they would like be like disappointed that i'd been so stupid and like that had happened to me so it was just like never spoken about and for like 10
The Importance of Healing and Support
00:25:21
Speaker
years. And then um yeah, where after I got RA and started like thinking about and learning about like trauma and you know all the stuff that we've spoken about before, I was like, maybe maybe that has something to do with it. And I like went to counseling for it a few years ago. And then it was only when I was having the counseling, that's like when I told my mom
00:25:45
Speaker
Like literally 10 years later and she was just like she was absolutely horrified that obviously as she would be that like that happened to me and I hadn't spoken about it and Yeah, I think that's I Mean that is really the story Um, so now I'm going to talk about some things that I wish I'd done. And I would normally pause to let Janessa talk, but I'm a bit like, I don't want to put you in the spot of being like, say something. So if you have something to say, please do. i got some say so so Oh my gosh. Well, first of all, like, thank you for sharing this because I think there's so many things you've said that a lot of people
00:26:30
Speaker
can relate to in terms of like there's shame is like a really difficult thing, when especially when you are the victim of something. um And I think that just comes from people who are just like genuinely self-aware human beings of how they impact others. And it hurts me to like hear of those kinds of people being violated, you know because then you're like, well, what did what did I do? like what i What did I do before this to like that could have been prevented, but truly, like you know that that thought process for someone who's like in the mindset to take advantage of somebody, it didn't it may not even really matter if you were fully drunk or you know like who knows what their limits or what their way of taking advantage of people are. And so I just want to say, like I feel it's very common to think, well, I could have done this better. I could have done that better. But truly, you were 19. I do see that as a child as well. And it's just still, like you said, you know you're not
00:27:31
Speaker
You're not saying you should have done things differently, which I'm glad you said that. um But yeah, but anyone who has that in them still, still stuck in them that they may, yeah if they had just maybe not had as much drink or maybe if they had just, you know, stuck with their friend or, you know, been drunk in the corner all night, it could have been different. It might not have been. And yeah that, that is something that I hope if any listeners are carrying in them that they can start to release that because it's really,
00:28:02
Speaker
It's not a weight that you should have to carry any. Yeah. Yeah. that's very Yeah. Just thank you so much for sharing this. It's just really like, I've muted my microphone just so listeners know, but I'm over here just like experiencing all the emotions and um shock of that. Like I can't like fathom going through that. Like when you said you went in and out of consciousness,
00:28:30
Speaker
I literally was like, I don't know how you did that. That's like, like, I don't know how you've gotten through that so well as a person. Like, I don't know if I would have come back from that from seeing someone.
00:28:43
Speaker
like that yeah Yeah, it has made a big, I will say, it has made a big impact on my life. Obviously, the RA is one thing, but I have always really struggled within, like, oh my god, my stomach just made the most insane noise. I don't know if that's... I don't think I get big to that. The microphone, oh, but that was literally, that was like people screaming inside my stomach. ah um Yeah, I've really struggled with sex since,
00:29:18
Speaker
like I... just really struggle to feel comfortable with men especially if they're like on top of me which is obviously quite a lot of the time like I have a real issue being like exposed so if um like I'm like laying back with like my legs spread over sorry I have no one your mum and dad aren't listening to this but if I'm like laying back with like my legs spread open like completely explode like those It's really triggering for me. And I have had flashbacks during like intercourse, which is really rough. So yeah, that the RA, but also like within, like having confidence within sexual relations and also like,
00:30:04
Speaker
yeah having flashbacks and like dealing with stuff like that has been really hard. And I do think if I had treated it for what it was better at the time, I wouldn't be carrying so much of that is still now.
00:30:21
Speaker
Like I think I really fucked myself over by not telling anyone about it. Like that that really is like the worst thing you can do. Like if anyone has experienced this recently or if they experienced it a long time ago and like still haven't mentioned it to anyone, I do, I really think talking about it is the most important thing you can do. Cause it also like not normalizes it cause it'll never be normal, but it it helps with the shame as well to tell people and for them to be like,
00:30:51
Speaker
this obviously isn't your fault and stuff like that. like I think, yeah. It's a a good reality check. like you know what i mean like it just Sometimes when we have something traumatic that's happened to us and we keep it in, we form our own theories or stories around that or how it will be perceived. So then when you finally tell someone about it and they're meeting you with compassion instead of like, well, why did you drink so much? you know When they meet you with compassion, you're like, Oh shit, like this is not the narrative I had set forth and it's extremely healing. And then, you know, to just kind of back that a little bit, like you do also, I think it's.
00:31:32
Speaker
In some ways, I think it was like probably some way of self protection because you do want to be careful who you open up to that about because if you do get someone who's like you shouldn't have been drinking who has very limited views and limited understanding of trauma and assault, then that can really be damning to the person who has been through it.
00:31:51
Speaker
So that's the other thing I think definitely you need to like release that from your body. like You literally need to speak that out, but if you don't have like a safe friend, or if you're questioning whether or not you know they'll accept this kind of you know because you made a storyline in your own mind, um I think seeking like professional help first is definitely.
00:32:12
Speaker
Good as well. Yeah. and Yeah, completely. um um Another thing that is just like on the the top of my mind and is I want to talk about being triggered because I've never, we obviously like use the turn of phrase like, oh, I'm so triggered right now quite a lot.
00:32:38
Speaker
in our common dictionary. And I just have to tell everyone about a time when I was i like understood the true meaning of Triggered. And it was quite recently, I think, but i mean like within the last couple of years. But are you familiar with the show Below Deck, Janessa? I've heard of the show, but I haven't seen it.
00:32:59
Speaker
It's um when it's a documentary series of reality TV about the the crew that work on super yachts. So you're like there's on a super yacht, they come like fully staffed with like maids that take care of you and like and people that work like doing like the and water toys and like take care of the boat that are called the deck crew. But on an episode of Below Deck, a recent one that came out like a year ago, this exact thing nearly happened, but someone broke it up. Like it was a girl that was like, they're called stewardesses, the people that are like she had been put to bed in a bunk bed, like they sleep in bunk beds because they're on a yacht. And one of the guys that worked on the yacht, who she had been like telling him she wasn't interested in him, went down on the boat to like, yeah, basically assault her, probably. And it was like the um the head of the steward, the head stew, that's not what they're called, like was like, what the hell are you doing?
00:34:10
Speaker
and get away from her. And then he rightly got fired the next day. um And he like, you know, paid repercussions for what he was going to do. um And I watched this on TV um with Edouard, bless him. And I was literally like,
00:34:30
Speaker
sobbing, like, guttural, like, like, almost like I was, like, feeling all the emotions that I probably, like, should have felt at the time, but, like, couldn't, because I was obviously, like, still with the guy that, you know, still in the frickin' room with the guy that assaulted me. And and it was just nuts. Like, I was like, this is, like, the true meaning of being triggered. Like, this is literally watching it, well, nearly happened to someone else, and also just, like, feeling like, not envy, but just like, ah like, that's so unfair that someone stopped it happening to her and no one stopped it happening to me. know that it doubt Not that it was anyone's responsibility, but you know what I mean? I was like, wow, that someone was there to protect her and I didn't have anyone to protect me. And that was like really hard for me to see. And it yeah just really definitely triggered me. No, that's definitely yeah valid. And like, I feel like it's just like,
00:35:27
Speaker
something that something like popped into my head and you're saying that too is it's like, I just don't, I will never understand men or anybody else who thrives on targeting women when they're vulnerable. And I mean it like not even just a assault. Like if you're someone who you've swooped right in when the person you've had a crush on just got broken up with and you're manipulating them with friendship because you want to get in with dating them someday.
00:35:54
Speaker
I'm disgusted by you. I'm sorry. I'm just going to say it. like I'm pretty grossed out by you. and um yeah I just i'd never have understood people who just like just hone in and zone in when people are vulnerable. It's like a very strange thing to me. um and It really makes me disgusted that like there are a large amount of males who are like this. and um i I just feel like you know it just disturbs me. I guess I can't say anything more on that. And it also just makes me like really appreciate and value men who want to be there when you're in your self-worth and when you're in your place of power. They're not afraid of your power. And I think that's something that I think a lot of young women need to be told more is you want someone
00:36:50
Speaker
And who cares if it's a man or a woman? You want someone who yeah wants you when you are in your place of power and they're going to be there for you when you're falling back, when you're not able to be in that place. But you don't want someone who wants you when you're vulnerable and that when you come to your own power, when you step into it, they become defensive. That's like what we don't want. And I think that's like,
00:37:17
Speaker
Yeah. When you were saying that, it just makes me think like, I just don't understand where this comes from in people. Like it's really gross to me. I just don't know. Yeah. I guess it must either be a well-known like Freudian thing or something that happened to them. You know, I feel like often it's like perpetrators were victims at one time and that doesn't necessarily mean they were like,
00:37:45
Speaker
sexually assaulted, but like, you know, things happen to them where they don't know how to have healthy relationships with people or like they, yeah, I think that's always a good thing to and you know It's never good to hold hate in your heart. you know the old like The whole like anger is a rock. I'm saying anger is a rock that ends up burning the person that holds it. That is not the thing. Yeah, it's like it's like a poison. like
00:38:16
Speaker
is poison to you more than the other person. Yeah, exactly. like the I think it's really important to not hold on to hate for people that have like done wrong to you. um I mean, I 100% assumed that this guy has not gone on to have a good life with healthy relationships. like I can't imagine someone that's like that predatory and then settles down with um you know a wife and like moves on with life. like I assume he like has his own demons that he's fighting and I try and not hold on to a lot of hate for him. I try and yeah, because I think that's yeah it's not good to hold on to hate.
00:39:08
Speaker
I would agree with that definitely. yeah ah I feel like it's a different episode I'll have to bring this up but I've already talked about my first love but I was 17 and he was 25 and that was also like a vulnerable time for me and I was super manipulated and while like I wanted to be intimate with him. I didn't understand what I was getting myself into. um And so it just kind of, that is hard, I think, holding that hate and anger in because I have held that hate and anger in towards that person for more than 15 years now, pretty much. um ah No, less than 15 years, about like 13 years now.
00:39:56
Speaker
And I finally um opened up to my parents about that. um They did not like him, which they had good instincts. um But yeah, I finally like opened up to my parents about it. And specifically my stepdad and I had a kind of a come to God moment with each other on it. And they just had like no clue like about they I guess we lied to them about his age. I forgot about that, but it was like to keep him safe. So I said he was 18 or whatever. So they always assumed he was 18 and he had a baby face for sure. um But yeah, it just like, I kept all that hate and anger in me for so long. And then when I talked to my parents about it,
00:40:40
Speaker
like two weekends later on a Sunday, I woke up feeling the most peace I've ever felt in my entire life. I think I told you about that. like yeah It was almost like I think I had to release all that hurt and all that anger and just like to and I'm not fully killed on that at all, but wrote the beginning of the release was really good for my body for sure.
00:41:05
Speaker
And I'm sorry because I don't want to be like, uh, I'm thinking of the fucking, um, Mormon mom's show where it was like, someone's like, my husband's she on me and it's like, I might be pregnant and you know, so I don't want to be that girl. So we'll save that story for another day. But I just want to say that it, yeah like what you're saying about triggers too, I get it. It just sucks seeing somebody like kind of take it, you know, take advantage.
00:41:31
Speaker
and and Yeah. Yeah. um And it made, it did make me think like, is this like a well-known strategy? I'm just like, are there like Reddit threads where like ah men talk about like, yeah, the best way to like, you know what I mean? I'm just like, it was literally exactly the same. And I was like, it can't be like a coincidence. Yeah. And you know, and you're just like, what goes through that? I was like, I didn't.
00:41:55
Speaker
never in my life would I think like if someone's drunk in bed I'd be like oh they're drunk in bed and then like move like I can't even fathom the thought process of being like oh I can go and like force myself on someone yeah and then I'm like surely that thought doesn't organically happen to men who and like often so also like how low as a man does your self-esteem have to be to like not be okay with facing someone when they're sober and trying to initiate a connection and instead you're going in when they're unable to initiate, unable to consent. like
00:42:35
Speaker
Where is your self-esteem? Because it's probably really fucking low. like I'm really sorry. That's like low self-esteem vibes to the max. And I don't feel bad for them. like that They'll have to get over that. But like yeah, it's just something to point out. like no one No one does that who's truly confident in their ability. Secure and confident. yeah um I wanted to talk about another thing as like part of processing sexual assault or like I guess any truly any trauma doesn't have to be sexual assault but any trauma is try not to use these two things as ways to
00:43:18
Speaker
heal yourself or numb out.
Coping Mechanisms and Self-Reflection
00:43:21
Speaker
Number one is more sex because I think this is something I have I've never really liked my relationship to sex like I've never really felt that comfortable having sex but like I've always done it like quite freely and that is 100% a symptom of like trying to reclaim having sex.
00:43:51
Speaker
post this happening. um And i really I really don't think that that was good or helpful. In fact, I know it wasn't good or helpful because it goes into like what we were talking about with Chloe in terms of like when you're not like in a really loving relationship where things are discussed, you're just like doing it for performative reasons and like if it doesn't feel good to like Yeah, I would really try not to just like use sex to try and get over a sexual assault because I think that
00:44:24
Speaker
you end up in even deeper trouble and even less connection to your own body and even further away from ever being able to enjoy sex. ah And the other thing to avoid is like alcohol, because I also have had like obviously alcohol was a huge part of my assault. um And I wasn't like maybe I should think about not drinking so much like that. It took me a long time, as you guys know.
00:44:54
Speaker
took me a long, long time to realize what alcohol meant for me and what my relationship with alcohol was and the negative effects it had on my life. So yeah, those are two things that I really used as coping mechanisms post this happening and also coping mechanisms post being diagnosed with RA as we discussed before in our episode with Ali. So I mean, I know that now that those can be coping mechanisms for me and I try and be much more mindful around both of them.
00:45:24
Speaker
But yeah, that's been one of my key takeaways really from the assault and like therapy after and just self-reflection as well is try and recognize which behaviors actually fulfill you and are good to you. And which ones you're like, does this actually feel good? Like does this serve me in any way? Just always try and be asking yourself that with anything you undertake in life, I think. Yeah. Yeah. That's,
00:45:53
Speaker
Yeah, it brings me back to like our very first episode ever of the whole podcast. yeah you know i I was like, we were saying, I was like in my ho era in Costa Rica when I cut down my car.
00:46:06
Speaker
And um it's really, yeah you know, that that joke aside, but I it's really comforting, though, to hear other women talk about how they have used sex as a coping mechanism, because I really felt alone in that for a long time. Yeah, like, and I also was highly sexual in high school, like end of high school, senior year to my freshman year of college and I was searching for something. I don't really know what I was searching for. I don't know if it was like, part of me feels like for myself, it was like validation in some way. Like I still wanted to know that I controlled the situation, yeah that I was still found attractive and that I could like please someone.
00:46:54
Speaker
And I just feel like it's ah so refreshing to hear you talk about that too, because it can't just be us. like I really think it's a really common common thing to use to like try to heal a wound or to try and suppress.
00:47:12
Speaker
you know um so no I'm really grateful you're sharing that because I i just know that like someone's going to listen to this and be like, oh, I have always felt that way. And like when you said like you haven't always felt the best connection to sex, even though you were having it, same. Same here. And and and it's weird because I'm very liberated talking about sex, ah but I wasn't really having um I think Chloe was like right on the spot. I was not having intimacy and sex. I was just having time. Because I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to somebody. you know
00:47:49
Speaker
um and honestly that on your part but also i don't think many men are ready to help a woman be intimate during sex and that's not because they are like that not out of any malice they just like cannot even conceive that. Typically, it just like your typical normal run-of-the-mill man doesn't stop and think like when he's about to get his dick wet, for want of like about a better phrase, but like he's not like, oh, how can I make sure like this person feels safe in this moment? Like honestly, like they're animals. We're all animals. And like men don't think straight when
00:48:42
Speaker
all their thinking juices in their dick. That's true. Truly. Thinking with the wrong head. things um yeah know And so I just want to say that like because I think it's, yeah, like you can be with a really amazing,
Intimacy, Validation, and Emotional Connection
00:48:55
Speaker
lovely guy who isn't like meeting your needs in sex. And there's not like, there doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him because like men aren't, no one's teaching men to like stop and do that. That, you know, they, they, someone needs to teach that to them and that can be you if you're in a loving relationship. yeah And I think that's also going back to the intimacy thing with Chloe is what she was saying. She mentioned something that stuck out to me, like when we fake orgasms as like females that,
00:49:27
Speaker
it's actually damning like the next person who's with that partner too yeah because then they're under the assumption potentially that they're like, Oh, two seconds in and she's good. you know yeah Um, but yeah, I know it's really,
00:49:42
Speaker
It's interesting to look at it that way. like I also agree that I don't think it comes naturally for men to experience intimacy in that setting or really intimacy in most settings yeah a man you know um in the Western world or just in the world. Intimacy is kind of far and few in between. yeah I'd actually argue and the Western men are probably the closest to intimacy, to be honest. like from Yeah. No, I'm going to start. I don't want to start like, yeah. I mean freaking Islam. It's actually, we shouldn't start slandering other religions. Good point. Good point. I see what you mean. Like they're, they're just, their wife have to give them sex whenever they want. Like that's part of their religion. Like suppressed. Yeah. We love the, we love, we love the Western boys. Just try them. But they need more, more intimacy. Like.
00:50:36
Speaker
Like there's the Golden Bachelorette. This is very, very basic to be bringing in right now. Golden Bachelorette is on and I just love all the guys on it because they have created friendships there and they like are just so genuine. Like I cannot even tell you, I cried watching last night's episode. I watched it late, but I could ride. One of the guys went home. Um, Charles, he was so adorable.
00:51:05
Speaker
And um he just thanked everyone. And he was like, I love you guys. And they were like saying, I love you. And they were like calling each other brothers. And like one of the guys who's going home was like, I'm going home. And you know it's hard as an older guy to make friends. And like I'm in my 60s. And I live alone. And this is the most brotherhood I've ever felt. And it just, like my whole heart, my whole heart, it really like god's That's intimate in a good way. yeah Oh no, i I'm looking at pictures of them. I'm going to start crying. They are so cute. I'm going to send you videos. I balled on the couch. Zach even shed a tear because we were like, this is so healthy for grown ass men to feel community and like safe. and like
00:51:45
Speaker
fun, you know? I wish that more for men. Wait, on the Golden Bachelorette, do they still make them do like all the bullshit? Are they like running around like a farm? You know, like in the Bachelor they get the girls to like, I don't fucking know, like clear out a pigsty. Do they do stuff like that? name No. No, not really. They did have a strip tease to raise money for cancer.
00:52:08
Speaker
which was really cute because they're all very old and they just killed it and they were so confident because they're just like in their bodies, even though their bodies aren't perfect, which was really nice to see.
Healing is a Lifelong Journey
00:52:18
Speaker
oh my god i love the moon Yeah, I'm so sorry. I steered us very far from our topic. No, that's a perfect note to end it on, I think, because I was like, how the fuck are we going to round this out?
00:52:30
Speaker
be like yeah somewhat of a warm note. I think that's a really nice warm note. So let's leave it there unless there's anything else you want to say or add or anything. I don't want to cut you off. No, no. I know just again thank you for sharing that and I also just want to say to the listeners too like if you're if you've been through this or you're going through it like you know We are sending you love and light. and like I know that sounds really fufu, but like I can't be with you. I'm a voice on here. you know I don't know your life particularly, but I am sending strength out to specifically all the women who have gone through this and yeah hoping the best for your healing journey. with it
00:53:12
Speaker
Yeah and you can like you really can you might kind of be thinking like oh like I'm broken forever or like this happened to me when I was the same age and as Amy and now I'm like 50 and like my whole life you know what I mean like you can start working through things like this and like meeting yourself somewhere different and like getting more out of sex or me getting more out of experiences or just healing or like telling people. You can do that at any age and like start making progress on that. it's There's no like, oh, I've left it long enough now, so I'll just keep leaving. I'll just keep keeping it in that box. like
00:53:57
Speaker
Yeah, doesn't start working on it today because you it gets better.
Conclusion and Future Topics
00:54:03
Speaker
It does. Okay. We'll love you and leave you and we promise next week won't be something so awful. but We better think of something fun. We'll start thinking about something fun now. and and Yeah, we'll see you again in two weeks and until then.
00:54:25
Speaker
Remember to let the light in. by
00:54:54
Speaker
Bye!