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Episode 50: Exploring Desire, Passion and Pleasure with Chloe Mascord
45 Plays9 months ago
In this episode, Amy and Janessa are joined by special guest Chloe Mascord, an intimacy and desire coach, to dive into traditionally taboo topics surrounding sexual health, pleasure, and well-being. Together, they create a safe and open space for liberating discussions that challenge societal norms, encouraging listeners to embrace their desires and passion. Whether you're looking to deepen intimacy or reclaim your sense of pleasure, this episode offers transformative insights and empowering conversations.
Did you love Chloe! we knew you would. Here is how you can stay connected to the work she is doing.
Podcast: Honey-ed: Intimacy Made Easy
Her Podcast IG @ thehoneyed.official
Personal IG @ chloemascord
Website for courses & coaching sessions:
www.honey-ed.com
Audio erotica mentioned in this episode:
- Quinn
- Dipsea
Book recommendation from Chloe:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Wounded Healers podcast.
00:00:09
Speaker
I'm Janessa. And I'm Amy. We were brought together by our shared wound of an autoimmune condition in our early 20s. This is a place where we explore our wounds with our listeners and guests who recognize the challenges of being human in hopes of helping all of us let the light in.
00:00:29
Speaker
Awesome. Hey, Amy, and hello listeners. Welcome back. Thank you so much for being here.
Guest Introduction
00:00:35
Speaker
We have a special guest on today. I'm very excited. Yes. we We are very excited to have a very special guest with us today. Let us introduce Chloe from the Honey, actually, is it Honey Ed or Honey ED? Honey Ed. Honey Ed.
00:00:53
Speaker
yeah Welcome Chloe. Um, so Chloe, you are a intimacy coach and you are more than that. You are multifaceted from all the things I've seen through your Instagram. Um, would you please introduce yourself to
Role of an Intimacy Coach
00:01:10
Speaker
our listeners? Cause I am just so excited for them to get to know you. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for having me on. I've been very excited about this recording. So I'm happy we finally.
00:01:19
Speaker
managed to make it happen. Um, three time zones, you know, that's what we got there. Um, yeah, I own Honey Ed. Um, it's, I'm an intimacy expert and speaker and I love helping people feel really confident in their sexuality and in intimacy and feeling really connected to themselves. sorry So for me, normally I work with clients who are quite time poor, which I think most of us are. um And I help people who are either in the space of getting back into dating um or people in long-term relationships. And um where I like to feel like um my work is relevant is for, in particular, women feeling really comfortable to have conversations about
00:02:10
Speaker
um their boundaries about what's important to them about their sexuality and about feeling really confident in who they are. So yeah, I can't wait to have this conversation and see where it takes us. I love it. I already want to say something, but we need to do the hot or not before I like start a love ringing otherwise we'll like be off and we'll never make it to hot or not. Do you want to tell us what the hot or not is?
Expressing Intentions on Dating Apps
00:02:37
Speaker
Definitely. So today's hot or not is warning people on dating apps of your sexual intentions. I want to give an example. This would be like if you are into kink and you are on Tinder and you're using the chain emoji to kind of signal to other kink lovers out there that that's kind of what you're looking for right now. I want to know if that's hot or not. Is it hot or not to put your intention and emoji or in written word on a dating app? I'm going first. Yeah. Anybody. I'll go if you want because I have a
00:03:10
Speaker
Not really a th thought, but I think I'm going to play devil's advocate here just to do like, i because I honestly couldn't care less. Like I could not care less what's in anyone's dating app bio. So yeah not pressed about this. Don't really think it's my place to pass judgment, but just for the sake of like argument, I do feel like dating apps are already, you're like in the gutter of like trying to make it.
00:03:37
Speaker
into something like serious and profound. And I feel like the more people that are conveying their kinks in their bio, the less solid it can be for everyone that's trying to land their dream partner. you know like I feel like it's if you're on a dating app that's like,
00:03:55
Speaker
based on those kind of like sexual preferences or like that sort of thing. I know in London, there's one called Field, which is all about sex and like finding different partners for those things. And yeah, by all means, I feel like if you're just think of all the girlies that don't aren't into kink that you're, you know, if you got a hot girl with a chain and her bio, who's going to want to date the sweet girl that's talking about like Jane Austen?
00:04:21
Speaker
know give the Jane Austen girlies a chance. So for the sake of arguing, I'm saying not hot on Tinder. Dang. All right. We're holding out for Mr. Darcy. All right.
00:04:34
Speaker
um I'm happy to share my thoughts on it. i I'm kind of on the same page, i but ah maybe for different reasons. So the way I look at it is, and this kind of ties back into my work, is I actually think, no, I think we shouldn't put it on there. And the reason for that is because I think people need to earn that. I think people need to really put in some groundwork to know who we are and get to know us on a deeper level. Like if you're somebody that wants to share that straight out, okay, fine. Like I wouldn't say don't do it.
00:05:06
Speaker
but I think um from a perspective of whether or not you're looking for a long-term partner or even just something like a fling, I think people need to earn your trust and I think people need to earn that conversation. um So disclosing that straight off the bat for me feels like you're just giving yourself to somebody on a silver platter that hasn't earned it. Yeah, I love that. I love that standpoint.
00:05:33
Speaker
yes wow you guys okay so i was really in the middle of the road here on how i felt on this and now i think i feel less the way i thought i would so now i'm leaning towards not hot after that because that resonates with me not handing everything everything over right away because at first i was like well you know, at least someone's warning you a little bit. So you don't like get home from a first date and they have like handcuffs and you're like, what the fuck? You know, I do not want these on me or maybe you do. And you're like, yeah, thanks for telling me. Um, so yeah, I don't know, but I guess somebody goes not hot because I do think it's something that if you use the emojis, you might feel like that's a cop out instead of having the conversation that needs to happen between you and your partner or partners. So.
00:06:23
Speaker
Wow. I'm a changed woman. Love it. She's Chloe's Chloe's said five sentences and she's already turned you around. Yep. Yep. I'm here. This episode is going to do miracles.
00:06:37
Speaker
You probably weren't expecting this from like the sex educator, right? Like I'd be like fully liberated, you know, go for it. Share your sexual preferences. But I'm like, maybe the unexpected answer. Love it. I love that. I'm here for it. Wow. Okay. With With that out of the way, now that it's ah unanimous unanimously on the hot now for us, um we'll get right into the episode. Chloe, you introduced yourself a little bit earlier, um but we wanted to know a little bit more about your background so our listeners can really get at the breadth of knowledge that you have and an understanding for where you're coming from.
00:07:19
Speaker
So we wanted to ask you know if you'd be open to sharing about what inspired you to become an intimacy coach and to speak on such a topic that some people see as taboo, we know that takes a lot of a
Journey into Intimacy Coaching
00:07:31
Speaker
lot of guts. So what what did that for you? Yeah, so I've always grown up being a really curious person.
00:07:39
Speaker
even as a child. And I know that most kids are curious, but I'd never really grew out of it. And I think for me, um I've always been wanting to learn more, wanting to understand people. And when I did grow up, um I didn't witness any relationships. So essentially my parents never really, well, they never had another partner.
00:08:01
Speaker
um after they split and they split when I was two. So I kind of had this blank canvas about what relationships and intimacy looks like. So it was all kind of an imaginary space in my mind of what that would be. um And so for me, I always, I grew up being around a lot of adults as well ah as an only child. And so Yeah, I just ah got used to having adult conversations quite young. And I think for me, it was a really good way for me to learn to ask lots of questions and to explore and um have, you know, maybe conversations that are a little bit uncomfortable. um So I always kind of lent into, I guess, a more taboo conversation.
00:08:49
Speaker
And I think that's kind of got me to the path of where I am now, but this has only really been something that I've known to exist maybe four years ago. It's it's a very new space. And um when I kind of came across it as a profession, I realized the importance of it and not just from a perspective of having conversations about sex comfortably, but this missing piece of the puzzle that I think is being there, which is intimacy.
00:09:19
Speaker
So we're taught about, you know, day to day living life. And then we're taught about sex. Um, and then relationships, but I think intimacy is like the glue that kind of brings it all together. And so for me, when I started to realize that there was multiple components to a happy and fulfilling life, I realized how important for me it was to be that person that had these conversations, to be the person that normalized on like discomfort around sex and intimacy.
00:09:53
Speaker
um And I've always had a passion to make people feel comfortable in really uncomfortable situations. So I think that's that's really what led me to this place now. And as soon as I discovered it, I knew straight away, like this is this is my jam. This is where I need to be.
00:10:09
Speaker
yeah I can imagine it's really fulfilling really fulfilling because i I feel like being intimate with people is really hard. like From any human being's point of view, like it's really hard to be really close to someone because it's when you tend to see the worst in yourself when you get challenged the most and yeah, none of us want to be really challenged in that way. So I can imagine how fulfilling it is for you or like the fulfilling situations that you've come across by doing it.
00:10:43
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. I had to go on my own journey when I started studying this space. That was interesting. yeah You know, as learning, learning about all of these topics, I said to myself, right, I'm going to treat it as if I'm the student or I'm the client. And I want to understand myself better on this deep level. And what I realized was, yes, I was always interested and curious about sex. But the intimacy, i was I realized I was very intimate intimacy avoidant. That I just, because of stuff that I hadn't resolved within myself, I had this fear of being close to somebody on a ah intimate level. So I was open, very sexually liberated. I was like, yep, cool. I'm happy to talk about sex. I feel really confident in my sexuality. um I feel like it's a beautiful way for me to express myself
00:11:42
Speaker
But what I realized very quickly was you can't really have amazing or great sex and unless there is the other piece, which is the intimacy. Because otherwise it's just a function and it's just a physical sensation. Whereas to have this really amazing um sex that we talk about, there needs to be a level of intimate connection too. And so that was really cool.
00:12:10
Speaker
um journey that I went on when I was actually learning all about this space. Yeah, I bet. So that leads us on to the next question nicely. When you were learning about about this this space, but also just being a coach, becoming a coach, helping people, were there any individuals or books or any other like platform of media that really inspired you to follow that dream?
00:12:39
Speaker
Yeah. So there's a couple, one book that I absolutely love is called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. And that really helped me understand how our brains are wired for pleasure and how deeply personal and unique that is for everyone. um It really gave me permission to embrace my own desires. And it's one that I recommend to a lot of clients that I've had. And I think in the space of sex and what really inspired me to step into this space of sex coaching and intimacy coaching is um Alex Cooper from Call Her Daddy.
Inspiration from Alex Cooper
00:13:15
Speaker
Now I know that she is a very, very different approach to what I would take, but what I absolutely love about what she's done is her boldness and her unapologetic approach to conversations around intimacy, relationships, personal growth, sex, and given women this like,
00:13:35
Speaker
power to really speak up and talk about it without being shamed. I think that's the big key here is if we can help women talk about things without feeling this overwhelming sense of shame, that for me is so inspiring. And not only that, but from a business perspective, the success that she's had through just being liberated to say stuff that most people don't want to say. Like I commend her on that.
00:14:05
Speaker
Absolutely. And I just, you got to love a, Hey, daddy gang. Every time she said it, I'm like, yes, it's your founding father. I'm like, yeah. queenba ecate Yeah. look I mean, there's definitely approaches that like to how she goes about things that I don't align with. You know, there's a lot of a drinking culture there and you know, I personally don't drink, right? So.
00:14:30
Speaker
You know, there's there's just, um but the way I look at it is I love that she's created a brand, that she's you know it created this group of ah women that are feeling more confident to express themselves without the shame. And I think that it's a great um step in the right direction. And to see her up there with all these really successful podcast guys, um I love it. Yeah, me too.
00:14:59
Speaker
Absolutely. ah Well, thank you for sharing that kind of background more in depth about you and yeah We were so excited to have you on, but so are our listeners. We put some question boxes up on our Instagram. So we wanted to make sure that we take some time to you know dive into those with you and see what advice you have or wisdom for our listeners. So to really dive in here, our first question to kick it off for our listeners was, does the advice never settle, create unrealistic dating standards?
00:15:37
Speaker
I really want to hear both of your opinions after this as well. but and god and I think Never Settle is about staying true to your core needs and values and I think it's a fine line and I think it can be misunderstood but I i really do believe that we are in a society where everything's quite disposable and we're we're maybe holding out for perfection Um, especially with the social media space, I think there's this pressure on, you know, we've got to wait until the perfect person comes along and then, you know, that that's the right person. Um, but what I also like on the other side of that coming back to the values piece is what, what I would suggest to somebody that's saying, you know, never settle is.
00:16:30
Speaker
Once you get super clear on who you are and super clear on your values and what what you want to feel in a relationship, then it really isn't a matter of settling. It's right in front of you. It's very clear that you're looking for this specific, you know, you say five traits in a person, um not 50, not 10, but just these main ones that you're really looking for in a partner.
00:17:00
Speaker
um And I went through this when I met my partner. um We've been together about seven months now. And I came out of a really toxic relationship prior to that I was engaged to the man.
Values and Partner Selection
00:17:12
Speaker
And um what I had to go through myself was one getting super clear on myself and building trust within myself.
00:17:20
Speaker
Um, because I was unsure, you know, is this person right for me? Are they not? Um, and when I got really clear on who I am and really clear on the top, you know, the main five values in somebody that I'm looking for, there was no question. It was clear as day, um, whether or not that person was somebody that, uh, could be a potential mate. Um, and I think that that's important when you're clear, there really isn't a question there.
00:17:48
Speaker
So it's an opportunity to really connect with yourself and know who you are um and build that relationship. And then you'll just know when that person is a good fit for you. I think that's a that is a take on that answer that holds a lot of wisdom that I probably wouldn't have come up with myself at all. um but And I actually think that the advice to never settle is valid and wise, but from the point of view of if you have those values, like Chloe was just saying, if you know the things that are really important to you and you pass one of those over because you really like this person or whatever,
00:18:33
Speaker
down the line, you're going to be like, no, actually that was really important to me. um And your that relationship isn't going to work out for you most likely because you've missed that core value. So yeah, from a point of view of never settling, I think it's great advice because I don't think long-term relationships can be successful if your partner isn't meeting your needs or your expectations. like it I just don't think it will.
00:19:04
Speaker
yeah Yeah, I i would you know agree with that as well. I would put that it's interesting because my experience with never settle. I think it has to do the area I grew up in in California, but never settle the way it was echoed to me was like, he's going to be hot. He's going to make a lot of money. Like it was very not in depth. Like never settle was like, is so surface level. Absolutely. yeah So I actually grew up kind of resenting that saying cause I was like, well, what if you don't.
00:19:37
Speaker
But if you don't end up with the guy with the Ferrari who knows the Hollywood star or something, you know, and so like, she's like, truly, I was just like, well, this is bonkers. So, no, I grew up kind of not liking that saying because I was like, well, like, I don't get it. Like, what if you do settle? What if you go for someone who is, you know, not you know, a millionaire or something. So now that I'm older, now that I'm married and I have that background wisdom as well, I would say the key to what both of you were saying is just your intentionality and your depth. And I will say, I think there are times in my life when I didn't know what I deserved. I was very confused and I hadn't figured out what I wanted. Therefore, I didn't quite know um what I was looking for. And I think that,
00:20:24
Speaker
that's also valid if you're listening and you're not sure what you're looking for yet that means that there's some deep deep digging that needs to take place first. Yeah yeah I would love to add another little bit to that if that's okay. Of course yeah of course. Yeah so when we're talking about like not settling um this has been a really interesting wake-up call for me because you know I came out of that relationship last year. And I didn't know, I didn't trust myself basically. I didn't know what was, you know, is this person good? Is this person not good? And so what I realized is I needed to learn who I am on a deeper level. Now, the person I'm with now, I met him, you know, um not too long after my ex,
00:21:16
Speaker
And I put him in a category, I put him in a box and I said, no, he's not gonna be somebody that I have a long-term relationship with. He is, I misjudged him. And um as I started to build trust for myself and understand myself on a deeper level, I realized, oh shit, actually, um we are we have ah really aligned values. We are actually a really good match.
00:21:45
Speaker
And not only that, but what I've also realized because he's never had a relationship before. And I was like, Oh God, red flag. And he's younger. And so I was like, Oh, you know, there's so many things on paper that don't make sense. But what I realized is if you have a strong foundation of value alignment and you really are both determined to be together, this is a beautiful opportunity for you to lean into how you can make it work.
00:22:15
Speaker
And we decided pretty early in the piece that because it was going to be challenging for us, because obviously I've had quite serious relationships. I've been engaged to somebody who had kids, like I've had a almost married um couple of months I've been married and this person's come along and never had a relationship on life.
00:22:36
Speaker
Here we go. This is going to be fun. So I was like, okay, but he was determined. He was like, just because I haven't had a relationship doesn't mean that I can't be an amazing partner. And what we did was we went and decided to get support. We wanted to get somebody to help us.
00:22:55
Speaker
build this beautiful relationship together. And you know, and whilst a lot of people will be like, Oh, yeah, you know, going and getting a counselor or somebody like that is only for people that have problems. Well, I disagree. And had I have sat around waiting for a perfect and sat around going, oh I'm not going to settle because he's 30.
00:23:15
Speaker
or he's never had a relationship, I could have missed out on this opportunity. But instead, I've got somebody in front of me who is a blank canvas. And do you know what? That's exactly what's good for me because he doesn't have a bias from previous relationships. He's coming in with a ah clean slate, but my mentality was different before than now.
00:23:41
Speaker
Wow. I love that. Cause it reminds me of like one of my favorite sayings too, where it's like the grass is always greener on the other side. It's maybe instead we need to focus on watering our own lawn. It has the ability to be just as green as the grass on the other side. So I love that you're saying, you know, going in doing counseling, I, I feel like that's so like healthy and such.
00:24:06
Speaker
It shows such like intimacy, like truly, to like have someone who's open to do that with you um and right off the bat. you know I think that that is just wonderful foundation for wherever that relationship is going to go to serve both of your highest beings and selves. Yes, absolutely. He's going to be so healthy. First relationship with a counselor, those foundations, jeez.
00:24:34
Speaker
a lot. With big decisions, he's like, we moved him together. And I was like, yeah, what? So? And so I have to be mindful, okay, these are big decisions to make. But when you've got somebody that's dedicated and that is willing to do that,
00:24:56
Speaker
then that's what you want, right? You want somebody that is open to growing with you in the relationship, not somebody that's perfect from day dot. yeah That's not real. Yeah, completely. Okay, next question. I'm intrigued by this. i've Me and Janessa have never had a baby, so ah we absolutely do not know.
Intimacy During Pregnancy
00:25:19
Speaker
How can I continue to deepen my connection to my husband when I'm pregnant and have almost no libido?
00:25:28
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. First of all, it's so normal to feel a shift in libido during pregnancy and it can go both ways. um So what I say is take the pressure off yourself. Intimacy isn't just about sex. It's about the connection. So focusing on emotional closeness, um cuddling, talking, even just spending quality time together.
00:25:49
Speaker
you know physically touching each other, but it doesn't have to be in a sexual way. um Or sharing how you you're feeling physically and emotionally and invite each other to um share the same thing. Also being able to hold that space is what creates the bonds. But um intimacy is really just about being present with each other in whatever way that feels right. Intimacy isn't like, ah one size fits all. It can be whatever makes you feel close to somebody and that's different for everyone. So I really want to normalise that libido shifts are common um and very unique to the individual ah but
00:26:32
Speaker
The communication piece is really important too, is actually sharing how you're feeling with your partner and giving them the ability to hold space for you as well. And then talk about um how you want to approach it moving forward. What does that actually look like? What can we change up if you don't feel like you want sex? How can you have maybe intimacy or how can you be sexual with each other that doesn't involve penetration or something like that. So there's different approaches that you can take. Yeah. I think probably asking him as well, if your partner is a guy, but just saying like, yeah, I don't, I don't want to bang, but how would you like me to yeah meet your needs? Not in a sexual way, but just yeah rather than guessing, just straight up ask him.
00:27:25
Speaker
I love that openness, transparency. And I know that it's hard for people to talk about sex and intimacy. I get that all the time. But yeah, the more that you normalize these conversations, the more open you can be with each other. And you might be like, oh, actually, I wouldn't mind pleasuring my partner, but I'm just not feeling it myself. So is that something that's going to fulfill the relationship? um Yeah, I like that.
00:27:51
Speaker
who Definitely. No, thank you for, for answering that one because yeah, like Amy said, that's foreign territory to both of us. And it has it that question. I'm really grateful that listener asked because I was like, i I haven't even thought that far. I know I want a kid, but I have not thought about how libido will be in those times. um What's also interesting is a lot of women.
00:28:14
Speaker
experience high libido on the other end of the spectrum where they're like extremely um have a lot of desire and so what can happen there is then there can also be these challenges with their partner might not feel the same way or their partner might be looking at them as oh you're you're the mother of our children and so there's this change there's a lot of change that happens during this period and what i'm saying here is give yourself grace give yourself the space to Allow whatever needs to happen happen. There's no right or wrong. um But there will be changes that can happen during this time and just try not to be too hard on yourself.
00:28:56
Speaker
Yeah. I think I have to kind of just tell a semi, a little funny story. It won't take too long, but a friend of mine has just had a baby and this is like ah the first friend in our friendship group to have a baby. um And she was, tip I was talking to her. I was like, are you having sex? What's going on? It's just too intriguing. You know, like you're one friend that's like the first to get pregnant. You just ask them everything there is to know.
00:29:19
Speaker
um So I was like, yeah, what's going on? Have you had sex? And she basically told me that she when she was like six months along, they hadn't for months and they did it one night. And then for like 12 hours after that, she didn't feel the baby move. And she'd been feeling the baby new move for a long time. And they literally thought they'd like.
00:29:42
Speaker
I don't know what they thought they'd done, but they they thought they were in trouble. She ended up in the hospital on that thing where they like monitor the baby's heart rate. The baby was fine. The baby was fine. But yeah, just a word of warning. If you do it and um yeah the baby doesn't move for 12 hours, you're probably fine. You probably haven't killed your baby.
00:30:05
Speaker
ah Oh, man. oh i New fear out of mind.
00:30:11
Speaker
That's all the birth control I need. Well, I feel like that answer actually segues really well into this question as well. I think there's a lot of overlap, but another listener wanted to know, how do I start a conversation around low desire for sex when I'm on medications and I have active joint pain? So um yeah, just to break that down, some of our listeners also have rheumatoid arthritis, which is the autoimmune disease both Amy and I have.
Communicating Libido Changes
00:30:39
Speaker
um And that can flare out sometimes and just be painful. So I totally feel for this listener and also would love to hear about that. Yeah, it's I just want to say it can feel like such a vulnerable conversation, but I think it's a really important one. And I think by starting by acknowledging um the role that your health and medications are playing and that it's not a reflection of your part of of feelings for your partner.
00:31:08
Speaker
Um, and that's really important to, I know it sounds a little bit, you know, um, straightforward, but this comes back to low libido and that can be for men, women, anyone. And so if you're not maybe feeling desire or there's something that's changed in your intimacy, when you're sharing this with your partner, which is really important, telling them that they're not the reason is so much more important than what we think it is because we do personalize a lot of this. So by saying that it's not a reflection of your partner, but maybe a physical challenge that you're working through and reassuring your partner they that it's something that you are dedicated to understanding on a deeper level and and working through it.
00:31:57
Speaker
ideally together. Um, a good script for this could be something like, I've noticed my body has been responding differently since starting this medication. And I want us to talk about how we can navigate intimacy in a way that feels good for both of us. Important that we say both of us, because even though it's your experience that you're going through with medication, it's still a team and it's still, you're in a relationship and it's something that um, both of you are working through. So by creating this open dialogue, it can really take the pressure off, um, and allow you both to explore different ways to stay connected and not make it about, Oh, I'm going through this. This is my problem. It's, you know, it's something that's impacting the relationship. So it's important that you have these conversations.
00:32:51
Speaker
I love that. And Chloe, just in case any of our listeners are, they're not quite sure what a script is. Do you mind just telling us, I think you gave a great example of one, but like what a script is and how it can be used. Yeah, absolutely. So this is something I do with my clients a lot is I help them with ah basically sentences or things that, ways that they can communicate with their partner. um And the reason that this is so, so important is because we're not taught about this.
00:33:21
Speaker
We're not taught about communication really in school. um And in particular, when we're talking about a taboo topic, giving us ah examples of how we might be able to communicate that um by using a script is actually going to have a positive impact on the relationship because we're not coming from a heightened emotional place.
Discussing Unmet Needs
00:33:44
Speaker
So these scripts are really useful to bring into ah what would sometimes be an uncomfortable conversation.
00:33:51
Speaker
So when I'm talking about a script, I'm talking about maybe a sentence or a paragraph that you can um share with your partner in communication to open a conversation or share something that you want to share.
00:34:06
Speaker
And you can literally just Google these or like look on Pinterest for them. If you're listening and you're like, where do I find such a thing? You can literally just Google them if you, if there's some. people ah yeah Hey, I want a really friendly way to tell my to tell my partner. Also, you can add in there, he's a little bit sensitive when it comes to this area or You just add context and chat GPT can actually throw a couple of really cool ideas back. I actually did this the other day when I was really heightened and we had a heated discussion. I was like, I want to send him a text message, but I'm too heightened and I don't know what to write. So I got chat GPT. Hope he doesn't listen.
00:34:51
Speaker
And to write a response, like ah write him a message and be like, hey, I don't like how we left that, um but in a non-confrontational way. Yeah, the chat GPT is so good at non-confrontation. I just can't even believe the knowledge about humanity that chat GPT is absorbing every single day. chat If chat GPT was sentient, he would they would literally be like, what the fuck are these people doing?
00:35:18
Speaker
Yeah. We can use it to our advantage though. Yeah, 100% believe that completely. no
00:35:29
Speaker
um So if maybe following on, maybe there is a potential to use a script in this example as well, but how can I talk to my partner about sexual needs that are being unmet when I have never voiced what I've wanted before?
00:35:45
Speaker
And I just want to add an extra to this. Also, if you've been in a relationship for like quite a long time, because I have found myself in that position before where we've been together like a year, a year and a half, and I like haven't been satisfied. And then I suddenly want to pipe up with something how that, and then I think that can be a real like curveball. So yeah, maybe add that into context as well. If it's going to be a change for you. Yeah, I get that can feel really intimidating.
00:36:14
Speaker
Um, but the important thing to reiterate again here is that you're not alone. Like you said, Amy, you've experienced this and I can guarantee Janessa and also even myself have been through these, you know, uncomfortable feelings, um, that you want to raise something, you don't know how to do it or that you've let it stew. And, uh, then all of a sudden it just comes out in the wrong way, but we're not taught how to have these kinds of uncomfortable conversations, let alone ones about sex. So it's perfectly normal to feel unsure and nervous about it.
00:36:43
Speaker
but the key is to approaching the conversation from a place of curiosity, which is my favorite word, um and connection rather than criticism. Because you might say something like, I've been thinking about um ways that we can make our intimate time even more fulfilling, and I'd love to share some things that I would like, that I think would bring us closer. So this way, you're actually framing it in an opportunity to explore together,
00:37:13
Speaker
rather than focusing on what's missing or what's not being done or what's being done wrong. um Because it's about inviting them into your your desires or your um needs, not demanding changes. And this is purely from a delivery point of view.
00:37:31
Speaker
um you're starting essentially a dialogue and that's a big step within itself. So you really want to be mindful about it how you're delivering it. And if you can frame it in a opportunistic way, as opposed to a critical way, you're much more likely to be received with openness. um Or if not, if you're not received with somebody who's open,
00:37:55
Speaker
It might take time. It might be something that you then have to come back and approach again. um But from your perspective, if you're delivering it in a positive frame, you've done what you've needed to do. And then um whereas if you're coming with criticism, it's kind of setting you up for failure.
00:38:17
Speaker
Definitely. Yeah, I want also to also say too, you know, with that question, it's like, our needs are always shifting as beings and as people. And, you know, when we started a relationship, we may have actually had the needs then fulfilled that we needed. But as we grow, and we, you know, come to know ourselves more, maybe we want to try new things, and that can be a little nerve wracking to tell a long-term partner and partner is like, hey, um I've changed my mind. I want to try this. You know, so I just want to give kind of a shout out to that because I agree. I think that's very applicable. And I think in a very healthy relationship, learning to frame that out of curiosity is so good because who knows what you or your partner are going to be interested in like a year or two down the line. And you want to be able to have those conversations.
00:39:12
Speaker
Yeah, I love that you raised that our desires evolve over time. um Just like every other part of us, our interests, our hobbies, what we see as a priority, what's not. And I think the key is to be open with your partner about the changes that you're experiencing. I'm going to throw another script in here. um So that might be, I've noticed my desires have shifted a little bit lately, and I'd love for us to explore some new things together ah and see what is ah responded to from that. It's an opportunity obviously for you both to grow and connect in new ways and you're kind of just floating the idea and you're coming in with a suggestion and curiosity and then see where the conversation goes from there.
00:39:59
Speaker
Oh, I love that. Thank you. yeah Okay, let's see here. So we're hopping along and then the next question we have from a listener is what if my sexual desires have changed since I've been with my boyfriend for five years? Wow, I think we just answered that.
00:40:15
Speaker
ah um So yeah, no, I think, again, the script Chloe just gave is really applicable. And like I said, I've also experienced that with my husband. um You know, one thing I will say just anecdotally is that um I very much lucked out. my So my husband's mom is very well versed in good communication. She was a therapist. She really top-notch raised him because, man, I um i am an inventor of life, and I am also a very curious person, Chloe. So when you said that, I was like, oh my gosh, yes.
00:40:51
Speaker
i ah So being a curious, adventurous person, I'm always wanting to try new little things I found out or you know whether that be food or a weird genre of film or a crazy hike that apparently I'm not fit enough to do, which I have dragged my husband on a few of those and been like, we got to leave. and I can't finish the site.
00:41:11
Speaker
So whether it be that or something in the bedroom too like I'm really grateful that he's always keen to like try or if it's something that just he's like I don't think I'm ready for that yet he can be like all right let's discuss like if that's something I'm open to in like the next couple months or maybe any year we re visit that and if that's still something you'd like to experience we can figure out something in between. So yeah shout out because I think it's easy even though I knew he was raised very openly I was really afraid um when we first started dating with asking for things I was interested in um and it was even just like little things like I had never played with handcuffs before and I had like a pair I got and I was like so excited and I was like maybe
00:41:58
Speaker
Maybe. So yeah, no, he was definitely like, okay, we can try it. And yeah, he didn't enjoy it, but I do. And that's what we learned. So, so yeah you learn. that You're exploring that together. One thing I will say as well, and this has been something I've had to learn, obviously, um no judgment from me about anything that relates to sex or intimacy or anything like that. Right. So I'm very curious. I want to explore as well. My partner loves a comfort zone.
00:42:27
Speaker
loves the comfort zone. So anything, not necessarily because he doesn't want to try it. There's actually another story there, which is around, he'll do what he knows because it's familiar. And so I think we can sometimes be so quick to judge, you know, if somebody says, Oh, I don't know how I feel about that. It might not be coming from a place where it's like,
00:42:52
Speaker
Oh, that's, I don't like that. It might actually be coming from a place where, okay, maybe I just need to, we need to talk about it and then let it sit. And then maybe have another conversation, you know, rather than going, Hey, I got handcuffs. Let's try them right now. And somebody's like, Holy shit. Like they might be open to it.
00:43:13
Speaker
That they might be open to it, but like not in that moment because of some people get quiet. They don't respond well to being put in them, put on the spot. So this is, I think this is important because I think we're very quick to judge and go, Oh, well we're not on the same page. Like they're just not into the stuff that I'm into. We'll hang on. Maybe they are, but maybe it just, we need to take a different approach.
00:43:39
Speaker
o I love that. yeah and that's That's also, I think, a really key part to intimacy as well. What you're saying is like to not just prejudge or to not just kind of mow over the idea that our partner needs time with a concept that we're interested in to see how that resonates with them.
00:44:00
Speaker
I love that you said that because I am someone who sometimes I instantly know like in that moment like a yes or a no and my husband does need time and he's like, can you give me a day? Can you give me a week? I need to think about it. and So you know you're totally right. But that is a part of intimacy because when you give people the time they need in the relationship to come to that conclusion for themselves and how they're going to show up.
00:44:23
Speaker
that shows a safe space for, I love you, and or I appreciate and respect you enough to wait to see how you truly feel and not to leave you hanging on the spot, um which I do have to call myself out. Pastor Nessa did do that. I was like, okay, bye. So I'm glad I've grown.
00:44:42
Speaker
Okay, on this is our final question from a listener, and I feel like it maybe might have been covered in what we've already spoken about, but I want to ask it just on their behalf, just in case you have anything extra to add, Chloe. and But what if I'm flared up so in pain and and unable to have sex like I used to?
00:45:08
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely.
Honoring the Body During Flares
00:45:10
Speaker
ah So when we're talking about intimacy, it doesn't always mean um have to mean sex. So when you're flared up, obviously, it's extremely important to listen to your body and honor genuinely what feels good for you in the moment. And if that means um not having sex, then you need to honor that. And I know that this might go a little bit off topic, but this is what comes up so many so often for clients is If you don't honor what your body is telling you in that moment and let's say for example, you go down a path of still having sex even though your body is saying no, we get into this really dangerous cycle of faking our pleasure and not being authentic and not not leaning into sex and intimacy in a way that we enjoy and you're doing it because you feel obliged to do it in this relationship.
00:46:08
Speaker
And so it's more dangerous to not only on your body and to go down that path, which is often what the clients will come to me with is I don't, I don't like sex anymore. And I'll go, okay, well, how did we land here? Because this is something that's shifted and changed. And it's come from a place of feeling obliged to do, to have sex with your partner and not doing it from a place of your own pleasure. And so this is,
00:46:35
Speaker
This is a really important thing to honor within yourself is, you know, obviously communicating what you're experiencing, but then not just saying, no, I don't wanna have sex, but then also looking at maybe nurturing intimacy. And we mentioned the touching, the cuddling, um and being emotionally open with each other, maybe finding things that are going to fill your cup, both of you, um through this period of not having desire for sex, but also not just leaving it as an unspoken topic,
00:47:10
Speaker
you know coming back to it and acknowledging hey uh where are you at right now like is this where we're where we're at right now with intimacy is this feeling okay for you or do we need to re-evaluate um so having that first conversation but then also having follow-up conversations is so important because if you don't it's it can go down a path that creates some some real challenges in the relationship which are harder to navigate and you just don't want to go down that path if you can avoid it. It doesn't mean you can't resolve it but you don't want to start getting in this pattern of having sex when you don't want to be having sex.
00:47:55
Speaker
that that is yeah I have no words that is 100% hands up. Yep. Bless. I am fully on board with that. Cause also the other thing too, I think, you know, thinking back to when I was in a flare, um, which was in my first couple of years, like a big, big flare.
Risks of Performative Sex
00:48:13
Speaker
And ah you know, when you're not feeling well, it's really hard to be present. And if you're looking to bring that passion and that presence into your relationship, it can be hard when you're not able to be there.
00:48:27
Speaker
Um, so like you said, don't force, don't force it because if you do force it, you might not even be present for it. Like you might literally be thinking about how bad your knees hurt right now or how you're trying to like hold yourself up, but your wrists are flaring. And, um, yeah, it just, it's not, it's not worth it. Like you said, to compromise your pleasure, um, just to like appease or make something simple. Um,
00:48:54
Speaker
or at least the way you interpret it to become simple because honestly, I think a partner who genuinely is able to hold space for you knows that if you're not able to be present that they don't want to take advantage of ah you in a time when you need something else.
00:49:10
Speaker
So can I ask, this might be a bit of like a pointed question, but I'm intrigued. why do Why is it so important to not get into a habit of like having sex if you're not present?
00:49:25
Speaker
what is it not maybe when you've got so much other shit going on in your head is it maybe sometimes not easier to just have sex and not really enjoy it that much but just so you don't have to add another stress on of of dealing with someone's emotions of you saying no and i'm just in i'm just intrigued like oh yeah yeah no i love that and that's That's something that a lot of people will say is like, okay, well, isn't it better just to have sex and not enjoy it than not having sex at all? Okay, well, there's ah and there's a third option, which is you could have sex if you want to have. I mean, it's just about working out how to to get there. the The dangerous part that I want to say here is, is it everything in life, and I'm reading this book on habits at the moment, right? So if you get into this pattern,
00:50:23
Speaker
of having sex and not enjoying it, it's a lot harder to break that pattern. So yes, okay, it might work for a certain period of time, but you're going to start to your mind is gonna start to frame it as a tour or as an item on the to-do list. And so then not only are you then gonna have to go on your journey of pleasure and self-discovery and how that looks to you, but you're also gonna have to unlearn this patterning that's associated with how you're approaching sex.
00:50:53
Speaker
yeah Yeah, I feel like key oh sorry I'm I think you know when I think there's a possibility and I'm not saying this is for every scenario like that but like there's a possibility of when you're not actually truly present you may be a showing a different facet of yourself to a partner. yeah and if For example, if it's like a performative asset, if they grow to really like that facet of you, and when you're no longer performative and you're there for what your needs truly are, they might be like, whoa, who is she?
00:51:32
Speaker
Who is this girl who's not you know like moaning all crazy right now just because I just touched her clit for the first time, you know? So like i think it I think it could have the repercussions of when we're not.
00:51:45
Speaker
showing who we are and it becomes performative that that might actually attract the wrong partner or it might attract a partner who's not meant to stay for very long, stay longer. Yeah. And it's like moving the goalposts for your partner as well. Like that if you're like not making the noises that you normally make, they're going to be like thrown off and that they're not doing anything different, but you're reacting differently and they're like, yeah, what's going on? Then that's going to, yeah.
00:52:11
Speaker
This is a huge topic of conversation. um I'll keep it short, but I really wanna highlight what you've mentioned, Janessa, about like this performative sex, right? It is so common. And even I have i've been in this situation before where I didn't even realize that I'm mirror or mirroring movies. I'm mirroring porn. I'm showing up in sex because my only reference point is how women are showing up in movies, which is zero to a hundred, meaning zero to penetration and then orgasm in about what, two minutes, right? That's bullshit. It's not real. And also, yeah you know, the pleasure that women get um from intercourse in porn is not realistic. We don't see clitoral stimulation.
00:53:08
Speaker
which is where majority of women orgasm from where they feel the most immense amount of pleasure. And so our reference point is I should be, I should be enjoying this. I should be experiencing pleasure. And it's like, we just mirror this performance because if we don't, then we don't feel normal, you know? And so, and everyone's reasoning for, you know, playing outperformative sex is different.
00:53:38
Speaker
Um, it's actually making this problem worse because we're, we're playing out. Um, we're playing it it out on our end, but then men are getting confused because they're like, well, hang on a sec. Not only am I witnessing this in movies and in porn women getting so much pleasure from sexual penetration, but then the the people that I'm sleeping with, that I'm having sex with are also showing me this evidence too, because they're you know showing so much enjoyment and pleasure just from that. um So it's by continuing to to fake that or to not authentically feel pleasure, um we're actually really contributing to this problem.
00:54:24
Speaker
Yeah, we gotta be the change we wish to see in the world. I'm sure that isn't what Gandhi was thinking of when he came up with that quote.
00:54:36
Speaker
that's We'll take it. why um Okay. I have another question that's personal for me, if that's okay. um But I want to know your advice, Chloe, on building up confidence in the bedroom after having a confidence knockback.
00:54:56
Speaker
outside of the bedroom so like being ill like obviously if you've been ill for a long time particularly if like me and Janessa dealt with like legit disability which is like the hardest thing to like bounce back from and be like oh yeah I'm my old vibrant sexy self again like when you haven't been able to like lift up your own arms. So yeah, what is your best advice for building up confidence within yourself so that you can be present and real in the bedroom?
00:55:29
Speaker
So the first thing that comes to mind here is solo exploration. So yes, I think there's definitely the ability to Once you get to that point to be able to take it slow with your partner, to be able to have those conversations. But I think what I'm hearing is a massive confidence knock and that confidence has to come from us internally. And the way I look at it is this is an opportunity to actually get to know yourself on a deeper level and find ways of pleasure that you can experience that you haven't before. So rather than.
00:56:04
Speaker
fixing confidence that's broken. It's like, how can I approach this in a way that I can achieve confidence within myself that I've never had before? um And looking at this as an opportunity to really connect with you and to find maybe not just sexually, but maybe find things in life that bring bring you pleasure. So I call it pleasure microdosing. So it's like,
00:56:27
Speaker
how many things in my life can I bring in that are going to increase pleasure in my day to day so that I start to feel comfortable with more pleasure outside the bedroom. So then I can start to bring in more pleasure inside the bedroom too. So it's like we're getting ourselves used to feeling this really positive um snowball effect that comes from um pleasure. And then you can start to explore your body and start to explore ah your pleasure by yourself. And once you you start to build that confidence and feel that beautiful authenticity within yourself, then you take it into your um relationship, but it has to start with you first. I love that. I love that. Yeah, so much. i
00:57:19
Speaker
I think and this is a little personal, but I was kind of rediscovering where my pleasure is on the spectrum of Janessa.
Rebuilding Confidence Post-Setback
00:57:30
Speaker
I love romantic books. I love a smut book. I'm huge, huge on them.
00:57:35
Speaker
Um, but I found Quinn app, which is like a female owned and operated app for the most part, which is auditorial, basically audio porn, but done in a really ethical way. And the performers and writers, producers, they are paid like.
00:57:52
Speaker
And they want to be there. And I think that's what I feel when I listen to it. I don't feel like it's super like, you know, this person's getting underpaid. They like are actually making these like they're doing it on their own time. And these are fucking creative. I was like, I had no idea that this would do it for me.
00:58:08
Speaker
But what I mean by that is like that built my confidence to like kind of start questioning what I want to hear in the bedroom. Because i I wasn't used to having partners in the past who would talk during sex. like They wouldn't say very much. Just like maybe the occasional, oh fuck, or like whatever. But like no there was no dialogue. And then I realized, oh shit, I think I like a dialogue. I like a little conversation in there. you know Get me started.
00:58:35
Speaker
So exploring that and finding that actually like helped me slowly build confidence to be like, hey babe, I think I want to talk a little bit more like this. like Could we try that out? And some yeah, it worked well. Just put one out there. I love that. the There's another one who um which is the audio erotica ah called Dipsy Stories, which I think sounds very similar.
00:59:03
Speaker
Yeah. And that's awesome. A really good way to, you know, play around with it and just, you know, listen in and go, Oh, is this something that I enjoy? Or is it not? It's like this exploration experience can be really fun. You know, you're you're going to discover parts of yourself that maybe you didn't know existed, like you said, Janessa, and then the power that that gives you from exploring alone to your relationship and having that knowledge. Your partner will also see the confidence that you then have of knowing yourself. And that's attractive when you know who you are and you bring that back. It creates a bit of desire in the relationship because you're showing up um authentically and you're feeling confident to share that with your partner. ah What was that other app called? I'm sorry. What was it? Dipsy. Dipsy stories.
01:00:00
Speaker
Okay, we can link it in the show notes. im sure Yeah, we yeah think can link it. We sure will.
01:00:06
Speaker
so well Well, we have some more questions. Okay, so we'll go ahead and segue. But Amy, I love the questions you've asked too, because they're just like, it's it's everything is resonating in this episode. I feel like whether it comes from Amy or it's you know coming from you as well, Chloe, or listeners. I feel like so much of this resonates with me that I i can't help but think you know like if I'm feeling this way and you're feeling this way, then I'm sure a lot of other people are feeling this way. and That's why I also just admire so much the work you're doing, Chloe, because it's it's been made
01:00:42
Speaker
to be taboo in the past where like we forget that like there's actually quite a lot of humans who have these thoughts. And it's kind of silly that we sit with these inside of us thinking, um I don't know if I can ask this. So yeah, I just want to give a thank you as we continue through these questions. Because um if we're thanking them, someone else probably is too.
01:01:00
Speaker
one hundred so so Yeah. And so one of the questions we had for you is um regarding libido again. So Amy did this amazing. I just have to hype you up, Amy. Sorry, it's going to happen. But Amy did this amazing episode on menstrual cycles and just your cycle in general. um So much knowledge that I just genuinely did not know. Like Amy was just like, yo, like there's this mucus that comes out of you. And I, for the longest time was like,
01:01:28
Speaker
I think I shit out mucus. like I don't know what's coming out of me. And I just accepted this, which was even the weirdest part of all. I was just like, I'm just like this. um So that episode taught me so much. so I'm so grateful she did that. But we did talk about you know the like ovulatory phase. And I wanted to know, like are there any phases of the cycle that happen to like have more hormonal impact on libido? And how could we harness that as women?
01:01:58
Speaker
Oh, love this. Yeah. So it definitely can. Hormones obviously play a massive role in libido and many women women find that they feel more desire around ovulation when your estrogen levels are higher.
Hormonal Changes and Libido
01:02:15
Speaker
But it's important to remember that everyone's cycle is different and there's other external environmental factors like stress, sleep,
01:02:23
Speaker
and overall health that can impact libido. But I know for me, um I was just thinking this before. Okay, so I'm gonna tell it, I'm gonna share a personal story. This is funny. ah This morning, so it's 9.20 here. So we woke up this morning and I found myself, I'm at the stage in my cycle where I'm normally like, this is where I'm peak.
01:02:50
Speaker
really feel super horny, ready to go, right? So I woke up this morning and I realized now upon reflection is I wanted to have sex with my partner, right? so And I expected it, but I clearly didn't communicate it. And so I found myself today, this morning, being super critical.
01:03:10
Speaker
So I was like annoyed. So I'm like really frustrated. I'm really annoyed. And then I realized after, Oh, okay. So my hormones are obviously really high and I really want to have sex with my partner. So this is where at this stage of my cycle where, you know, I have to be really mindful about communicating that with my partner.
01:03:33
Speaker
um And then there's other parts of my cycle, normally around um day 18, where I can get into a bit of a funk. And so now that I've started to track my cycle, which I think is really key for the listeners is tracking your cycle. I know you've probably heard it a lot.
01:03:54
Speaker
But the value, even if it's not through an app or something like that, is maybe journaling how you feel um when you're feeling, okay, well, I'm being a bit more critical or I'm more frustrated or I'm more fatigued or I'm more stressed.
01:04:10
Speaker
or I feel sluggish or I don't have enough energy and then you tend to you know eat more carb food and then you feel shit because you're bloated, right? So there's all these factors that can come in. When you start to track it and start to realise what is contributing, ah you can then start to leverage that knowledge to be able to um communicate better in your relationship and acknowledge what your hormones are doing as well. Um, and that will be different for everyone. But even now I have to call myself out sometimes and go, okay, so I'm in this peak stage right now and I'm obviously very horny and I'm not, and not expressing that to my partner. Um, but at least I'm starting to have that awareness of what's going on. Cause that's the key is just knowing your body and knowing
01:05:02
Speaker
um what's normal for you. So then when things aren't maybe sitting normally, then you can be more aware of it.
01:05:12
Speaker
yeah I like that approach too, because it's not, sometimes I get overwhelmed when I go on social media and people are like, do this, this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and then you'll know. And you're like, wait, I am human. I just need to do one thing. So that's very realistic. Just start with journaling. And that kind of progresses over time. Instead of being like, eat eight apples, look at the moon two times, do five downward dogs, and then you'll know. So that is a good start. thing
01:05:44
Speaker
ah Okay, so another the question. Aside from our menstrual cycles, what else influences desire and libido in terms of like, well, you can tell us, but yeah, what other lifestyle factors can influence the libido and desire? So obviously there's a whole range of ah things that can influence desire, stress, sleep,
01:06:13
Speaker
medication, food, emotional connection, unresolved trauma, you name it. So stress and fatigue, I think are huge libido killers and certain medications, obviously, especially for those with autoimmune conditions can also really impact desire. And that's why it's so important to take a really holistic view of your health when you're looking at libido. And sometimes it's more than physical, um, For me, I have always had a relatively high sex drive and I experienced low libido in my previous relationship. And my, what I discovered after that was it was because of stress, because I was in a relationship that was creating a shitload of anxiety for me. And not only just stress, but also I didn't feel safe, meaning there was no stability in the relationship. There was unresolved conflict.
01:07:09
Speaker
there was um you know threats of me not being in the relationship anymore or being kicked out of the house or something like that um in the heat of discussions and arguments. And so what I realized was that uncertainty and unpredictability of that relationship was killing my libido. And I went on this wild journey of thinking that there was something physically wrong with me. My hormones were out. I thought all sorts of different things, but really what had gone on was it was it was my nervous system was impacted. And so when I could identify what was causing the low libido, I was able to have that knowledge to lean into it and support myself to make better decisions because our body is inevitably sending us a message and it doesn't send us a message for no reason.
01:08:06
Speaker
there's obviously something that we need to consider there. And if our libido is going, libido is not something that is um needed in that moment. So when our nervous system goes into fight or flight, often our libido will be one of the first things to go because it's not needed. It's not a survival instinct at that point. um So there might be an underlying message that sitting there that you just need to discover within yourself.
01:08:34
Speaker
Yeah. I like that. Like using to an extent, like using your libido as a vital sign, you know, like you check your pulse, you check you're getting enough sleep, you like check, you're getting your period, like all of those things that, you know, your body is working in balance. Yeah. Checking yourself on your libido and being like, what am I missing here to make this not be lining up?
01:09:01
Speaker
Yeah, using your own experience when you are in a really authentic place and where you are aligned and where you are feeling a peak health, using that as your reference point, not external, not other people, not, I should always have a high sex drive and when I donate, you know, there's something wrong with me, but using your peak as a reference point, um not anyone else, because your individual and and your people might be different to somebody else.
01:09:29
Speaker
yeah and allowed ah well we Another question we have is, so I like this because it also gives I think everybody permission to kind of envision what they really want for themselves.
01:09:45
Speaker
So like what are the benefits of having a flourishing love life where both partners are truly communicating with each other and not just communicating but like listening um to each other's needs? like what What can that look like, Chloe? Because I think if if you haven't experienced it yet or it's been a long time since you've experienced sometimes,
01:10:06
Speaker
you can feel a little out of touch of like what the benefits are of that. So could you share with us like in in a working towards a very healthy relationship or a very healthy relationship, what are the benefits?
01:10:20
Speaker
Yeah, when both partners are truly communicating, it creates this beautiful environment of trust, safety, emotional closeness. And you're more likely to feel really fulfilled, both emotionally and physically. Plus, it opens up this opportunity for more joy, playfulness, which is a huge thing that my partner and I like to do is be really playful and silly, and um spontaneity in your relationship as well, when you can have this um beautiful space of ah communication. um It is honestly a game changer.
01:11:00
Speaker
when you know that you can express your needs and that you're going to be heard, valued and understood. It is such um it is such a strong connector in a relationship and I think really underrated.
01:11:15
Speaker
Yeah. I love that you said silly. oh I think that is one of my most favorite expressions of love for me is just, if I can truly be my little weirdo self around you, like if I can just nerd out or just do Shrek references or voices to you, like, you know, I love you. Like you're in, you're in for good. And that, that goes for, you know, my husband or even my friends. and Um, yeah, my goofiness is reserved for when I feel safe and around loving people. she hear So when you, how have you been in, did you say three, four years that you've been practicing as a coach? Yeah. for three yeah So across those three years, what have you found to be the most rewarding aspect of being an intimacy coach?
01:12:13
Speaker
Yeah so I think you know what seeing the relationship that people can build with themselves I know that what I work with people on is on their intimacy with their partner but it's honestly the connection and relationship that people have with themselves that's where the magic happens it's unexpected because people come in thinking that I'm going to help them with their sex life and with their relationship and intimacy. But what they, what I see is a beautiful connection with themselves and, um, releasing that shame that sitting there around, around sex and around, um, whether or not this constant questioning, am I normal? Am I normal? Is this normal? And just having a space to be able to share
01:13:08
Speaker
like these conversations, share and realize, oh shit, that's actually common. You know, the it's beautiful. Yeah. And that's actually really affirming for me personally, because I always have approached sex. One of my big things that probably I need to talk to a therapist about, but like I've always seen sex as like for the other person first. Like I've always been like, how am I,
01:13:36
Speaker
going to make this good for you. like I've always thought that since day dot. It's never been about me. so yeah Sex has never been about me for me. um But I really think like that was like such a tea cut key turn moment for me, you saying like and having people understand themselves better. That's the journey that we're all on and like the fact that sex can actually help you with that.
01:14:05
Speaker
is a really different way to look at the whole practice altogether. So really, yeah, I really value that viewpoint.
01:14:15
Speaker
It's about dismantling that shame and embarrassment around sex, which we need to do more and more. So I am so grateful that you know, we've had this time with you, Chloe, and thank you so much for, you know, not only going through our listeners questions, but our own questions and interests. And yeah, I think that a lot of people are going to find a lot of value in your wisdom and what Amy's shared and I've shared. I think this is a powerful space to start that conversation for some folks. ah As we kind of, you know, enter the
01:14:53
Speaker
half of our podcasts are we're starting to make our way out of here. I just want to make sure that if our listeners are there like, hey, this is what I've been needing here and I need to hear more of this. I've got to know where, where can I get this, Chloe? ah Where can they find you, Chloe? And how can they find your podcasts? How can they connect with you to continue this conversation with you or begin it? Yeah, absolutely. So my podcast is called Honey Ed Intimacy Made Easy.
01:15:23
Speaker
which is what I'm obviously really passionate about is making it really digestible and easy and not complicated. I think um keeping it simple is so important because we can overcomplicate sex and intimacy um when it feels a little bit foreign to talk about. So in my podcast, you can find, I think we'll link that in the show notes anyway. um Great platform. I do solo episodes, no more than 15 minutes. So they're nice little quick episodes.
01:15:51
Speaker
And then I have interview episodes with people, um, from all different backgrounds. Uh, and those episodes are a little bit longer, but, um, you can pick and choose what resonates with you. And then I'm about to launch an online program called life's too short to fake orgasms or the ah pro it's around being life being too short to fake orgasms.
01:16:17
Speaker
but the name of the actual course is gonna be Real O's Only. oh Yeah, so it's it's about how we can live more authentically and I know this topic's come up a little bit in our conversation today, but it's how we can ensure that we're really only having genuine, authentic pleasure in our lives and that we're not performing for other people.
01:16:44
Speaker
Um, and so this has been something I've worked with clients on, but now I've created a program for it so people can access that online. And so that, um, the link to the wait list is www.honey-ed.com forward slash wait list. And you can sign up for that and then be notified when that course launches. Yeah. Social media, Instagram, the honey ed.
01:17:09
Speaker
official dot official um is a great place to get more little snippets of the work that I do as well. That's amazing. Thank you so much Chloe and oh my gosh that course is so long way I was like, I need to get myself on the wait list. Well,
01:17:28
Speaker
it's natives
01:17:31
Speaker
um while on the podcast here, Chloe, we have the saying when we exit out from an episode where we say, we'll see you back in two weeks. um And then Amy or I or both of us at the same time will say, remember to let the light in. We just like to.
01:17:48
Speaker
Say this as a reminder that even if you're feeling broken and cracked, that light can still make it in through those cracks. And we have the opportunity to seize that light and take it in. So we were wondering if you'd be open to saying it for us, um saying remember to let the light in. ah So if you're up for that, we'll say we'll be back in two weeks. Say hi. OK, sure thing. All right, Amy, you want to hit us with that gorgeous accent, two accents?
01:18:14
Speaker
Go to the trifecta of accents on this podcast. Yeah, this has been really eye opening for me. Chloe, thank you so much for your time and Janessa, thank you for just being your vulnerable self as well and like helping everyone else feel seen at the same time. And everyone listening, we will see you again in two weeks and until then.
01:18:39
Speaker
Remember to let the light in. Bye Thank you.