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223 - Assassin’s Creed (2016)
47 Plays9 days ago
“We've won. People no longer care about their civil liberties. They care about their standard of life. The modern world has outfitted notions like freedom. They're content to follow.”
The gang's all here this week to kick off our second theme month of 2025 - Oops! All Video Games! - and as we do, we're talking the frustrating contradictions of the Assassin’s Creed fanbase, the equally-frustrating nature of modern music, the deep, often confusing lore of the Assassin’s Creed video game series, and we try our hands at fancasting Ezio.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Disenfranchised' Podcast
00:00:14
Speaker
The franchise rights alone will make us rich beyond our wildest dreams.
00:00:22
Speaker
franchise right alone will make us rich beyond our wildest dream We're not in the business of creating monsters. We're the disenfranchised podcast, that podcast all about those franchises of one, those films that fancy themselves full-fledged franchises before falling flat on their face after the first film.
00:00:39
Speaker
I am your host, Stephen Foxworthy, and joining me, as always, a man who seems intent on destroying himself, it's Tucker. Hey, Tucker, how's it going, buddy? Hello, Stephen.
00:00:51
Speaker
How are you doing? I'm well. How about yourself? I don't know, still trying to figure out ah how how to, you know, come into the show. I've i've noticed while I've been editing, I always try something different.
00:01:06
Speaker
But my Hello, Steven is always a little too overthought. Comes across forced and too goofy.
00:01:17
Speaker
But I can't just be like, Hello, Steven. But see, even that... and't know. Brett, you set the... you Brett set the standard so high. I wasn't going to say anything, but like, you know... I can't... It's the first introduction. You don't got to say hello, Steven. You could say good evening. You could say howdy. What up?
00:01:39
Speaker
What, you know... Hey, hey, hey. How you doing? I wanted to say buongiorno, Steven, but then I remember that this doesn't take place in Italy like the good Assassin's Creed games.
00:01:53
Speaker
That's not a take at all. It takes place in... That NCO trilogy? That's Pete. People wanted the NCO trilogy to go on forever and Ubisoft didn't know what to do after it was up.
00:02:04
Speaker
Takes place in Spain. Hola. Buenas noches, Steven. Yeah. Yeah. Have a greeting relevant to the movie that you're watching. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah.
00:02:15
Speaker
Maybe. Maybe. Look, we're just balling here. You know? Yeah, dude. Dude. Yeah. And yes, that's right. You heard him here first. The blood that flows through his veins is not his own. It belongs to the creed.
00:02:27
Speaker
It's Brett Wright. Hey, Brett.
00:02:31
Speaker
we We work in the dark to... I forget how it goes. Anyway, hello, Steven. I was going to say it goes. Hello, Steven.
00:02:42
Speaker
It's how it goes, man. Man, don't do that to me, man. I talked it up and then you're like, o dirt dirt or other stuff. oh Yeah, yeah, no. I wasn't even a way like that. It's painful.
00:02:55
Speaker
Yeah, I can't just give it away. Yeah. Oh, man.
Brett Wright's Video Game Adaptation Theme Month
00:03:00
Speaker
and and And hey, friends, guess what? The gang's all here, and it's because we're kicking off a brand new theme month.
00:03:07
Speaker
This one decided by our very own Brett Wright. Hopefully we'll see a lot more of him of this month. Hopefully next month, too. I don't know. maybe Decided a year ago, so that's why we were.
00:03:18
Speaker
I'm going to to be here all four weeks. We'll see. this was This was a ah blatant attempt on our part to get Brett back on the podcast full time. um So we'll see how it works. um and Anyway, ah we are kicking off an oops, all video game month where we talk about four video game adaptations that failed to get that sweet, sweet sequel gold.
00:03:42
Speaker
And they're all picked by Brett. So Brett, tell us what movie have you selected for us for week one of Oops! All Video Game Month?
Discussion on Assassin's Creed Film Cast
00:03:49
Speaker
I've decided to start it off with Ask Creed.
00:03:54
Speaker
on ah Starting on a high note with 2016's Assassin's Creed, ah directed by Justin Curzel, written by Michael Leslie, Adam Cooper, Bill Collage, and starring Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson, and Brian Gleeson, Charlotte Rampling, Michael K. Williams III,
00:04:18
Speaker
Let's who else we got in here. Denis Manochet, S.E. Davis, many, many others. What a cast. Gentlemen, what a picture.
00:04:31
Speaker
This cast is too good for this movie. Oh, and Jeremy Irons. I fucking forgot to mention Jeremy Irons. and You said Jeremy Irons. Did I? That's...
00:04:41
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. there No, this cast is definitely way, way better than this movie. Good God. What are these people doing in the here? Right. and oh like like like man So I chose to start this because of the four that I chose, I'll have to check the calendar again. Cause I don't remember half of the movies we're covering this month.
00:05:02
Speaker
um I think this is the one I know the most about.
Favorite Assassin's Creed Games and Characters
00:05:07
Speaker
That one I knew. Steven is typing them into the chat right now. um That one I knew.
00:05:13
Speaker
The other two I don't remember. um
00:05:19
Speaker
Hey. Oh, no. Okay. The third one I'm going to know a lot about. all right that was without Yeah. That's a Vichy game? Yep. Yeah, that one that one is kind of irrelevant. It's a video game.
00:05:32
Speaker
It's got the guy from the Detroiters in it. Detroiters? Yeah, you're right. Is that what it was called? Yeah. so Okay, so ofve of the four that we're covering this month, this is the one I know the second most about.
00:05:44
Speaker
Okay. I played the first five games. So that's Assassin's Creed 1, 2, Brotherhood.
00:05:57
Speaker
What's the third one in the Ezio trilogy, Tucker? I thought Brotherhood was the third one and Revelations. Revelations is the third one. Yes, Revelations is the third one. And then Assassin's Creed 3.
00:06:09
Speaker
And that's where you really should stop. Yeah, black per is Black Flag is okay. Part 3 makes the mistake of not really being a very good game except you can climb trees.
00:06:25
Speaker
And its biggest mistake, though, is making the protagonist just a complete asshole and an idiot. I mean, he's the good guy. He's doing the good stuff. But boy, is he a piece of shit.
00:06:40
Speaker
Man, I can't stand playing as that guy. Yeah, he's not great. Which isn't a good look, considering they you know they made him Native American. Yeah, I was excited.
00:06:52
Speaker
but Yeah, that was that be a really cool way to go. And they made him a dick. And that wasn't... just huge day I did like the opening sequence, though, where you play as the Templar guy That's pretty cool.
00:07:09
Speaker
Spoilers. Yeah. Assassin's Creed 3, the game that came out on Xbox 360. Spoilers for a... 20-year-old game. 20-year-old game, yeah. Well, but not quite 20, but 15-year-old game. 15-ish, yeah.
00:07:26
Speaker
Yeah. um But anyway, don't know where we go. mean Oh, I was talking about the games I played. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, as we talked about with Supernatural a couple of weeks ago, like there was a definite stopping point where the writers were like, we have this story to tell and we've told that story and now we don't know what to do with ourselves. Yeah.
00:07:48
Speaker
Um, now that that story's over or they lost the plot and they didn't know what to do after they killed off the main character they'd been building up for years.
00:08:00
Speaker
Um,
00:08:02
Speaker
Yeah, they just kind of threw it away. Which, I don't know when this movie came out relative to what games were out at the time. I can tell you that. Unity came out around that time. Unity came out 2014. Syndicate 2015. And Origins 2017.
Evolution of Assassin's Creed Game Series
00:08:16
Speaker
So it came out between Syndicate Syndicate. and origins was twenty seventeen so it came out but it wasn't thaticate and origins i don't syndicate Origins is when it started with the the big open world RPG stuff, right?
00:08:34
Speaker
I think so. Because there are there are fans um of that Assassin's Creed, for sure. Yeah, it works as sort of like a softer reboot. yeah Yeah, because like my roommate um really likes those games, and she actually introduced me to them way long time ago with the first one.
00:08:52
Speaker
And um she prefers the new style, so much so that when the last Assassin's Creed game came out, and it was more like the old one, she was like, no thanks. Yeah. Because they're over it. like It's evolved into this other thing. like Why would you... i don't know.
00:09:10
Speaker
It looks like fun. The newer ones. It's problem with Ubisoft. They don't know what they want to do with this series. like The reason Black Flag came out and was like mostly based on this pirate character was because people loved the few ship-driving segments in 3.
00:09:27
Speaker
So they're like, let's let's make an entire game out of this thing that the fans love. and then and then like they sort of abandoned the modern day storyline because fans were like, well, we just really loved to play around in the past. We don't care about this modern story. I mean, that makes sense. Just streamline it. Like...
00:09:44
Speaker
I guess, but that's what I was that was i was into. i was i was really into the modern story and where it was going. And so when they abandoned that and like pretty much scrapped it all, more or less, like you kill off most of the main characters, at least the two that are more and most important, and then kind of just abandon the story you were telling.
00:10:07
Speaker
don't really care anymore. And Brett abandoned interest. Pretty much. Yeah. I mean, I played Syndicate because I dug the aesthetic, um you know, which is like, what is it, 18? No.
00:10:21
Speaker
Victorian England and World War I. Victorian England, yeah. i mean, there was a Jack the Ripper DLC for that game and everything, so was into it. Did you play any of the side-scrolling ones?
00:10:36
Speaker
No. um and I wanted to, though, because i mean they they came out around the time I was still into the series pretty heavily. Well, I mean, they came out on the handhelds. They came out like on PSP or PS Vita or whatever. It would took a few years for them to come to the home consoles, though, because I think they wanted that to be an exclusive, but then... like PlayStation portables never really get beyond like a niche market. So they figured they could make money with it afterwards. And yeah, because I know that some of the ah ah the assassins that he fights with at the end of the movie are descendants of characters in those side scrolling games.
00:11:17
Speaker
Oh, yeah. The gal definitely is that she's got a whole game. her That's the one I've played. I've played the China, I think it is. Yeah, that's that's the fun part of at least the end of this movie is that every single one of those characters fighting with him is a descendant of a character from one of the side games.
00:11:37
Speaker
They only name one of them by name and it's Baptiste. Baptiste, yeah. yeah Yeah. So that's cool. Yeah.
00:11:50
Speaker
But yeah, there's there's too much lore. I can get into some of the lore sort of explain it, um but there is so much of it. it's i I compare it to Kingdom Hearts.
00:12:02
Speaker
like it's It's so much to unravel and untangle and explain that I could never do it in a concise and understandable way for a layman. I will say this.
00:12:14
Speaker
At least Assassin's Creed is competent at numbering its sequels. Also true. i mean, don't be wrong. It faltered a little bit just like New Parts did.
00:12:26
Speaker
Like, when you got Assassin's Creed 2, They were like, well, we can't move on. We have to continue with Ezio for a while. 2.2, 2.3. Yes. like Revelations is 358 over two days or whatever the fuck. like yeah it's Yeah.
00:12:44
Speaker
Even though Brotherhood is my favorite. Brotherhood is my favorite of those games. The whole lake managing the different assassins guilds and sending them out on missions. That was fucking sick. I loved doing that. That was a lot of fun.
00:12:56
Speaker
I liked the idea of that, but it became too much of like just something i had to worry about. The games became too complicated for me with the introduction of that.
00:13:09
Speaker
And then it seemed like with every game after that, it just added more stuff. And really all I want to do is climb around and stealthily assassinate people. Yeah, it got a feature creep and just bloated. like Yes.
00:13:25
Speaker
That thing that I love about Brotherhood, they completely took out, reworked, scrapped, and like changed. And don't know Why did you do that? ah Keep it fresh, I guess.
00:13:37
Speaker
It's probably their intention. like Yes, let's let's keep the gameplay fresh. Meanwhile, we're in our third game with the same character. Oh, i could I would have played a million Ezio games. He was my favorite.
00:13:49
Speaker
Altier is kind of... People forget about him. He's the guy. He's the main guy from the first time. Altier didn't have much of a personality. he didn't well you never really didn't even really see him that much i he was kind of the the link or the master chief of the assassin creed games like he doesn't you have to it's easier to feel like you're in that person's shoes because they are kind of a blank slate you know what i mean sure yeah they don't talk that much and yeah no yeah
00:14:25
Speaker
but I can appreciate that. That's the change they did make that was great. They go from pretty much a silent protagonist to a you know overly talkative protagonist. I really liked the platforming ah sections in the first one too. like the They weren't dungeons, but essentially the dungeons that you would have to go through to do stuff.
00:14:44
Speaker
And there was all the platforming And I mean, the parkour was part of it, but it wasn't just like climbing things. It was almost like Tomb Raider, like modern Tomb Raider games. When you go into the tombs and you have to figure out the puzzle and climb around. And right i enjoyed that in the first game. I think they kind phased that out, though.
00:15:05
Speaker
Sort of. I mean, there's a lot of like, if you want to do the side collectibles and like get all the stuff. um I forget which one it is, but there are still those dungeons that you have to platform through.
00:15:23
Speaker
they're They're kind of like parkour skill checks. Like, how good are you at parkouring? I remember those in 2, and I think sometimes you would learn like new moves or something, maybe?
00:15:33
Speaker
It's been a long time. I keep meaning to. Oh, yeah. Yeah. buy the etzio collection so that i can play through at least those first the first two assassins creed twos at least right maybe try my hand at the third one again the second one for me is the first second one is is peak for me though that's me a lot of different people have a lot of different opinions Yeah, that's that's the crazy thing. And maybe that's why Ubisoft has such trouble nailing down what they want to do with the series is because the Assassin's Creed games are a bunch of different things in one game.
00:16:13
Speaker
And you have your fans of this thing, you have your fans of this part of the game, you have your fans of that part of the game, and they don't know what to do with themselves. They're well, we can't give all of you everything. and yeah.
00:16:26
Speaker
Yeah. This is true. um the one thing they know, which is that everybody loves the stuff in the past. Forget the future stuff. Nobody cares. At least I cared.
00:16:38
Speaker
I cared to be soft. Yeah.
Assassin's Creed Film Critique
00:16:40
Speaker
At least they're trying to do different stuff with it instead of most of our yearly sports games that we get that are just new rosters.
00:16:53
Speaker
you know i mean yeah i mean look even this movie is sort of like setting up for like what the games were setting up for was like that in the present day where the modern day assassins take on the modern day templars and that would have been fucking cool know and See, the best thing about this movie, the only thing I liked about this movie was the setup for the sequel.
00:17:17
Speaker
Because I fucking hated this movie. It was so boring. was so dull. So dull. But the scenes in the past were so fucking good, though. The scenes in the past were the epitome of Assassin's Creed.
00:17:30
Speaker
those think They could have been live-action cutscenes in an Assassin's Creed game. I agree with you. But there weren't enough of them No, there weren't.
00:17:42
Speaker
And they always... Literally everything else was trash? Yeah. Every time that you were just starting to have a whole lot of fun in those scenes, they'd be like, take him out, quick, take him out.
00:17:55
Speaker
Take him out. and we're It's getting too entertaining. Take him out of the animus. People are having too much fun. Shut this down. Shut of this off. Michael Fassbender has to start talking again. and Let's go. Let's go. yeah We're paying him the big bucks. He has to say this shitty dialogue.
00:18:10
Speaker
Marion Cotillard has to explain like five pages of worth of what what the fuck is happening right now so that people at home can understand what's going on. And they still don't. And they still don't. still won't because there's not enough.
00:18:23
Speaker
there's There's not enough pages of exposition to explain what's going on in a two-hour movie. That sequel hook, though, I think that's what would would have been a... I mean, I guess and you have to get through this movie to get to it, but that would have been the perfect thing for what I think Ubisoft's intentions for this franchise were, was to do something Assassin's Creed, but not have it really related to the games at all. And that would have been perfect because like you would have your modern day assassins, you got Michael Fassbender, you got Michael K. Williams for crying in the butt.
00:18:58
Speaker
And that gal was pretty cool, so i don't know who she is, but she was cool. And like we could go and they they would do stuff in modern times, and maybe every once in a while they'd hop into an Animus and we'd go to a different place. That would be cool, but like mostly it would just be them in modern times, all like Van Helsing-ing it.
00:19:16
Speaker
Van Helsing. That would have been cool. Yeah. Maybe. would see the sequel. Or people would have hated it because there were no scenes in the past. Or hardly any.
00:19:27
Speaker
Now, see, but you throw a couple in there, but then you make the action in the present and the story in the present as intriguing and of satisfying as the past scenes fleeting as they may have been were in this film.
00:19:47
Speaker
Sure, but as we've discussed so far, Assassin's Creed fans don't want that. Anubisoft agreed. As we've discussed before, Assassin's Creed don't know what but fans don't know what they want, man.
00:19:59
Speaker
No, that seems to be the one thing. And the two are the same, so you can't really generalize them. That seems to be the one thing that most Assassin's Creed fans agree on, which is why I'm not a fan anymore, is that these games should just take place in the past.
00:20:13
Speaker
You give us the modern day setup for putting us in the past, and that's all. that's all You throw that in the background and we don't talk about it anymore. That seems to be what they want the series to be.
00:20:25
Speaker
Well, then if this movie is going to be like the modern day shit, then why would fans of the video games have wanted to watch it at all? but and Why do you think this movie flopped?
00:20:36
Speaker
Touche. Yeah, let's see. The fans didn't like it. Normal people couldn't understand it. Correct. So, yeah, it was kind of doomed to fail. I think they spent...
00:20:50
Speaker
too much and not enough time with the story in this movie. Does that make sense? Like, I feel like if if they would have broken down the story in this film,
00:21:04
Speaker
into separate films or maybe into a television show into episodes, it would have been better because as it is, I feel like they're trying to tell too much story while cramming in not enough action and then just kind of ah hand waving it all for a good sequel hook.
00:21:28
Speaker
which is, i mean, a thing that we see all the time on this podcast is just you, you make a first installment so that you can get to the second movie. Just make that the fucking movie.
Stephen's Perspective on Gaming Episodes
00:21:39
Speaker
Like, come on. Yeah.
00:21:41
Speaker
That's the mistake everybody makes. I feel like is that they're trying to make a franchise, just make a good movie. And you know, if it makes money, then I mean, do it, do a back to the future, man. They put the sequel hook in there as a joke.
00:21:53
Speaker
Right. And then Universal is like, we ain't laughing, motherfucker. You better make another movie at least. And you gotta use that ending. I don't care what did you with Jennifer. You have to use that ending. You motherfuckers are gonna make two back-to-back.
00:22:06
Speaker
Right. yeah and We're not fucking around. And we have your families.
00:22:14
Speaker
Bob, Bob, we have your families. Sorry. yeah well Steven's got them tied up out back. This is heavy duty, Doc.
00:22:26
Speaker
There's something wrong with the Earth's gravitational pull in the future. Crispin Glover wasn't on board. and We almost killed his ass. so let's right Get on board. yeah Buckle the fuck up.
00:22:39
Speaker
yeah Oh my God. Yeah. yeah So I have no history with these games whatsoever, which is why you've not heard me say much in the past. I was going to say look for most of this month, Steven is just going to be a figurehead who occasionally says stuff every once in a while. If you like episodes where I don't talk a whole lot, buckle up, baby. This is the month for you.
00:23:03
Speaker
Steven ain't going to saying much for like a month straight. Yeah. I may not even show up next week. I mean, you might you might talk episode three there. you might You might have a lot to say about that. You might have thoughts.
00:23:14
Speaker
Well, and of course, episode episode four is ah as a foundational movie for this podcast. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Because that's not really it. Look, is it based on a game? Sure.
00:23:25
Speaker
ah But look, it's a game nobody's played. There you go. So...
00:23:31
Speaker
Very cool. but I didn't even know was a game. Exactly. oh I didn't know was based on a game either. Should I play the game? How do I play it? We'll talk about that on the episode. You can find it.
00:23:45
Speaker
There's this thing called Google, and if you type anything in there, like any question at all, it will answer it for you. Yeah, but then then you don't get, A, you don't get human interaction.
00:23:56
Speaker
You don't get... How the do you think I'm going to come up with the answer to that, Tucker? I'm gonna Google the answer and give it to you. Like, come on. Well, see, yeah that's cool. I get that.
00:24:07
Speaker
But do you remember back in the day, you had a question, and you know the answer. like, ask your aunt. And she gives you an answer and you're like, okay, that's an adult. So like, that's the truth.
00:24:20
Speaker
And so you you go with that thought for years and years and years until you actually look it up somewhere and you're like, oh, that's wrong. You can't do that anymore. You can't do that.
00:24:32
Speaker
Man, back in the day, if I wanted to know something, I'd take my ass to the library. And now all of us carry the whole of human knowledge in our pockets. And we're more than ever.
00:24:44
Speaker
what was the namema What was the name of that ah that system, or that ah that program where you you could like text your question and then like someone would answer, like text back and answer?
00:24:56
Speaker
um You remember what talking about? Look, this was my job before the internet. like Before Google was a thing, i was the guy that you called. Like, wake me up in the middle of the night. Hey, hey, who's the guy that's in the the thing with the other guy? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, that. And they're like, oh, shit. All right, thanks.
00:25:15
Speaker
Click. Oh, yeah, it was alien. Google took my job. Oh, right, okay. All right, cool. I have no use in the friend group anymore. I'm useless because I'm in everyone's pocket. All that useless information that I used to proudly carry around in my noggin, it's in everybody's pocket.
00:25:33
Speaker
I'm worthless. All my best talents are useless. to
Internet's Impact on Information and Music Industry
00:25:38
Speaker
quote myself. but because That's not true, though. Look, there's there's like trivia nights that are big nowadays. There's podcasts.
00:25:44
Speaker
Yeah, but everybody that goes to them are lame. And I'm on this podcast, and I'm lame. so Or like sometimes people are in these situations, and you know when somebody's not a dick like Steven, they'll just be like, hey,
00:25:59
Speaker
ah Tucker, what's the answer to that question? And you'll answer the question. They won't go, why don't you fucking Google it, asshole? That's what I hate on the internet when people are like, oh, why don't you Google it? Well, if I wanted to Google it, I would have fucking Googled it. No, I wanted to ask somebody to see what they said.
00:26:15
Speaker
You know, human experiments and shit. Human interaction, talking to people, you know. Where's Jeeves when we need him, really? Where is Jeeves, honestly? I don't know. I want to ask Jeeves where he is.
00:26:28
Speaker
Pulled his plug there, but he did. We should do a disenfranchised documentary called Searching for Jeeves where we go and look for Ask Jeeves.
00:26:40
Speaker
You just knock on my door and like, Jeeves don't listen to me no more. No, the bitch is dead. and that We're going to make a documentary about that has nothing to do with the premise of the podcast. I'm into it. Let's go.
00:26:55
Speaker
Yeah. Yes.
00:26:59
Speaker
most unelect big That's why we just become a production company. like Disenfranchised Productions. Disenfranchised Pictures.
00:27:09
Speaker
A disenfranchised production of a disenfranchised film. We'd call it disenfranchised pictures, but then we'd only do podcasts.
00:27:19
Speaker
And only audio, no video ever. Right. Yeah. we We sell out a movie theater just to show the disenfranchised logo over three hours of us just dammering on about inanities.
00:27:31
Speaker
Yes. Millions. Yes.
00:27:36
Speaker
But we'd spruce up the logo. It's like, you know how in Mystery Science Theater 3000, the movie, they just like made the same set, but like they injected more money into it.
00:27:47
Speaker
Right. Like that's what we do. We'd like your, the logo would be 3D and like we someone would sculpt it and paint it and photograph it at four different angles. Yep.
00:27:58
Speaker
There you go. That's it. i like to That's the way to go. yeah anyway How long do you think it'll be before people start going to movie theaters to listen to podcasts? Any day now.
00:28:10
Speaker
Because, you know, the more popular ones do have the video feeds where you can watch them recording, which I don't I mean, I guess that's a cool option to have. But like, it's it's it's easier to radio show.
00:28:23
Speaker
It's easier to produce content out of that. You can not only are you releasing the podcast in audio form and visual form. You can then chop it up. You can take clips and chop up the video and throw it on TikTok or throw it on Instagram Reels or throw it on Facebook video. Like you can use the video of you recording it to make even more content.
00:28:43
Speaker
Put that up on YouTube. Well, there are some podcasters that I quite enjoy that will um take segments from their podcast and put it as a YouTube video, but they'll have an editor come in and splice in irrelevant clips and make it visually interesting.
00:28:59
Speaker
It's not, you don't see the two people talking. Like a lot of podcasts, when it's a visual podcast, it's just it's just the talking heads. It would be like if we released what we're seeing right now while we're talking to each other, which to me is like, why?
00:29:15
Speaker
People like i I could be doing something else with my eyes. That's the cool thing about podcasts is I don't need to see it. I could look. Sure. I could. I clean my house, man.
00:29:26
Speaker
I can't do that if I'm trying to look at something. Sure. But. Drive my car. The other side of that. The other side of that coin is you're getting your content out to people that might not normally see it.
00:29:39
Speaker
They're scrolling through their For You page on TikTok. They come across a video of us talking. We're animated. We're saying some funny shit. And they're like, i and I'm going to go listen to that podcast. These these guys sound pretty funny.
00:29:53
Speaker
That's what it is. that's that's why That's why most people do that. Man, I hate the internet, you guys. Me too. hate it so much it's turned us all into like dancing monkeys every time i there was a band today i saw on instagram was it the monkey no where they were like we'll send you a free what you buy our cd and we'll with it we'll send you a pokemon card and it's like oh oh yeah why Why? Because you have to differentiate yourself because there's so many people out there and it's not about musical ability anymore. It's about how well you can sell yourself.
00:30:32
Speaker
Is that why? Honestly, Tucker, yes. like It's kind of the problem with the internet. is Everything is oversaturated. Everything has been done the internet twice. People got to do stupid gimmicky shit like that to like make a name for themselves.
00:30:48
Speaker
Back in my day, you just had to have a tight band and a good press kit. That's all needed. And then you go out and you play shows. People hear your music. They tell their friends. And then their friends come to the next show. And they tell five friends.
00:31:03
Speaker
And they tell five friends. And they tell five friends. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. And so on. And so on. And so on. ah But here's here's the thing that you might be aware of, Tucker, that really depressed me when I heard it for the first time. Yeah.
00:31:19
Speaker
is do you notice that most mainstream music isn't bands anymore?
00:31:26
Speaker
I see a lot of bands, but you see a lot of bands, but is mainstream music? How many bands do you see anymore? like, sure, I can go on Spotify. I follow a shit ton of bands that are, like, yeah that have been made in the past five or six years, two or three years even.
00:31:42
Speaker
But, like, mainstream music, pop music, even modern rock music nowadays, like, there aren't a whole lot of bands because people don't, and I don't know if this is true. It seems like it is.
00:31:56
Speaker
People don't need bands anymore. Because of all the technology. They can produce their own music. They don't need a drummer. They don't need a You know what the worst thing in the world is?
00:32:08
Speaker
Is when you go to a show and it's a guy with a guitar and a backing track. Like, fuck... you absolutely fuck you in the most uncomfortable part of your body that's exactly what i'm talking about like no people think they don't need a band and the only thing worse than that is a singer reading the lyrics off of his phone during the show that's the only thing worse than that
00:32:37
Speaker
yeah And you know what? I saw i was i was ah I was scrolling through Instagram today, which I'm trying to stop. um But Kyle Gass, I follow Kyle Gass from Tenacious D on Instagram.
00:32:53
Speaker
And he did a little um sort of impromptu show with John C. Reilly as they are pals. And um John C. Reilly just reading the lyrics off his phone.
00:33:06
Speaker
And I was like, no
00:33:14
Speaker
Nothing like takes the, like it used to be music stands. Like, look, if you're, if you're practicing in your practice space, you might have a music stand.
00:33:24
Speaker
I get that. But if you're playing a show, you don't, you don't get to have a music stand. You need, you need to know that shit. to know it. Rant over. Unrelated and completely tangential rant over. Yeah, anyway, Assassin's Creed is a movie that we watched.
00:33:45
Speaker
You guys, when we were texting about it, we were talking about Carl Weathers and all that. um I want you to know that I got in trouble at work because the internet frustrated me so much. i didn't really get in trouble. It was implied.
00:33:58
Speaker
ah So i'm not I'm not a phone guy at work. I'm not that guy who, like whenever I have a moment, I'm looking at my phone at work. But it was really slow and we were texting about that and I couldn't find ah picture. There was ah a drawing or a painting or some sort of piece of art that I came across around 2013 Carl Weathers...
00:34:21
Speaker
of karl weathers ian in the the American flag trunks and the boxing gloves, but he also had the Assassin's Creed robe on, and he had his hands to his side and his head down.
00:34:35
Speaker
And it was the coolest thing. It was my desktop background for so long, and I spent probably 10 minutes leaning against the dishwasher, scrolling through Google image search for this.
00:34:47
Speaker
And i'm no I'm not an amateur Google sleuth. All right, know how to find stuff. But it was just, it was impossible, impossible to find.
00:34:58
Speaker
And I just want you to know, while you guys were having a good time back and forth, I was sweating bullets trying to find this image. I even, like, looked in my old folders of wallpapers from those days, and it's mysteriously missing. Because I keep all that shit.
00:35:14
Speaker
When was this conversation?
00:35:17
Speaker
um The other day when I was at work.
00:35:22
Speaker
when you said ASCREED in all caps and we were talking about Carl Weathers. Oh, yeah. Are we talking about Michael B. Jordan's butt or something? Oh, yeah. Okay. And i was I was not saying anything because I was still trying so hard.
00:35:40
Speaker
Like, I looked all through Google and then one of the owners walked by and he's like, hey, uh... You want to straight up see if ah there's any sauces that need to be done?
00:35:53
Speaker
That's not it. It's close. But this was ah kind of almost a photorealistic drawing. This is this is very reminiscent of it. But this is like a comic book drawing. This is like a regular comic book drawing.
00:36:05
Speaker
Mine was like a Jim Lee painted cover sort of thing. I see. Jim Lee famous for comic books. I did not find this that you sent me, Steven. I did not see this on my search.
00:36:19
Speaker
The first one that popped up for me. Now, when you when you click on that, is there a similar images button that you could search through? I'm looking through it right now. i'm not Similar boys.
00:36:32
Speaker
Riveting content, gentlemen. yeah Hey man, if you'd seen this image though, man, told you it was my desktop background for so long. but Sure, that's great, but this is not a visual medium.
00:36:45
Speaker
Yeah, well, it's not like we're looking at it. Steven's Googling a picture you're trying to describe to audio listeners. What are we doing? You know what? It's more exciting than this movie. Let's be honest. I'm not really going to have much to contribute this month, so I'm going to do what I can to just, you know.
00:37:03
Speaker
Keep looking for that image. Brett. I mean, that's fine. I'm just saying, you know, let's remember it's an audio medium sometimes. Boo!
00:37:14
Speaker
God, thank God I'm here. Is this what happens when i what i have when I'm not here?
Tucker's Carl Weathers Image Search Frustration
00:37:19
Speaker
Yeah, Brett. What would we do without you? What would we do without you? probably i be hemorrhaging listeners honestly i guess so i think we have been quite frankly only about 20 on average this motherfucker is this motherfucker is googling again yeah i mean it's are yeah unsubscribe that was an early bit was uh steven google sings live well yeah mean that was a recurring segment take very long this this bit went on for like 15 minutes what like
00:37:50
Speaker
its The image is worth it. I'm just saying. You guys are really missing out. I challenge all of our listeners to find the image I'm thinking of. It has a white background.
00:38:01
Speaker
And like I say, it is Carl Weathers in his Apollo Creed boxing attire, but also with an Ezio robe and all the fixings over it.
00:38:13
Speaker
If you look at it hard enough, you can almost hear James Brown's living in America. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:38:24
Speaker
Or if you're a cultured person like myself, Weird Al's living with a hernia. That wasn't in Rocky four Did you guys know Did you guys know?
00:38:35
Speaker
Did you guys know that when I had a hernia when I was probably about 22, I got a hernia and the only way that I i was familiar... With the different kinds of hernias that I could get.
00:38:49
Speaker
i am pretty sure this is a story you've told on this podcast multiple times. The doctor tells me and I was like, oh, hey yeah, I know that. I've heard of that.
00:39:01
Speaker
Y'all, if you're still listening, thank you. um If I had tuned into a podcast talking about the Assassin's Creed movie and like 30 minutes of it was this, I would have turned it off.
00:39:15
Speaker
Look, it'sdicative though it's though. It shows you what this show is. And if you don't like it, look. no There's a difference between tangents and like like getting back on track. like We've been off track for like 25 minutes.
00:39:30
Speaker
Here's the thing, though. It is tradition on this podcast when we don't like the movie to talk about anything but the movie. Maybe that's maybe that's why I'm trying to get us back on track because I don't hate it nearly as much as you guys do. Oh, right. i' been Regale us, Brad.
00:39:53
Speaker
That's my bad. I just assumed everybody hated this movie because it sucks so hard. That's my bad. No, i i I explicitly stated that I love the scenes in the past.
00:40:05
Speaker
I love how they connected it to the games. I just think most of the the writing is bad and the modern day stuff is bad. But I don't hate this movie nearly as much as you two do, clearly.
00:40:17
Speaker
like i actually had it i actually want to talk about it a little bit. Then let's talk, Brett. Heaven forbid. Let's do it. Let's go. Instead of talking about how you want to talk about it, let's just talk about it. I've been trying to.
00:40:30
Speaker
I'm trying to get us on track here. Look, you guys, this film was produced by the producer of every film since 1973, Frank Marshall. So that's something to mention, right? Sure. is that He produced every movie. That's like what he does, right?
00:40:43
Speaker
It's his only thing. Every movie. That's something to talk about. yeah Yeah, absolutely. He's directed a few, too. But he's like a pitch hitter where it's like, our director fell through. Well, Frank's producing it.
00:40:55
Speaker
He could probably, yeah, I can do it. And then he does it. And yeah, you know, Frank Marshall has like 17 producers. Yeah, but Frank Marshall's one. That's the problem with movies on this podcast. Not the Frank Marshall you're thinking of, though. The Frank Marshall, this Frank Marshall is the guy who did produced Targets, The Last Picture Show.
00:41:16
Speaker
ah Martin Scorsese is The Last Waltz. ah Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah, Frank Marshall. Every movie since he has produced. Yes, every fluffy ah What Frank Marshall are you thinking of?
00:41:29
Speaker
What's Penny's brother's name? Is it not Frank? Are you thinking of E.G. Marshall, Stephen? No, I'm thinking of Penny Marshall's brother. Penny from Inspector Gadget. No, Penny Marshall from Laverne and Shirley. Penny from Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
00:41:45
Speaker
I just told you which Penny, damn it. Linny and Squiggy.
00:41:52
Speaker
Keep going. is that hearing gary Gary Marshall is her brother. oh good I was out of him. ah okay Wow, thank you. That bit ran its course.
00:42:03
Speaker
ah as As so many of them often do. All right, Brett, we're tagging you in. Go, sir. ah still Let's talk about movies. Assassin's Creed movies. Yes, let's talk about a movie. Let's do it. Do we not do the plot anymore?
00:42:17
Speaker
Look, I got a bone to pick about the plot in 30 to 60 seconds because look at you guys. I have invested financially in the plot in 60 seconds. okay Even before I was a host on this,
00:42:31
Speaker
I invested financially. Not only did I spend over $30 on the actual coin of justice, but I spent over $5 on the official disenfranchised egg timer of justice.
00:42:44
Speaker
Okay. and And now what does that investment yielded? Nothing. We don't even do it anymore. We cast it aside like it's not even part of the podcast. And one of my favorite little Steven bits is in that when he says it's 60 seconds or it's free, which is funny because podcasts are usually our podcast is free.
00:43:03
Speaker
That's a good bit. Leaving money on the table, boys. Weren't you the one who like was all about skipping it? Well, only sometimes because I hated the movie so much I didn't want to talk about it.
00:43:16
Speaker
I mean, I guess that would be relevant here. Just wildly at moving, being discussed. Steven, it's okay when don't want to do it. im There it is. There it is.
00:43:27
Speaker
The truth comes out. Okay, now we understand. ah this is This is what we call a double standard. Understood. If nothing else, i am I have integrity and a little bit of self-awareness. So am I being silly? Sure, but I don't care.
00:43:42
Speaker
sure but i don't care
00:43:47
Speaker
Well, anyway, okay, so we don't got to do that. i' was just asking so I know how to proceed. i didn't mean to cause all that. That's a really nice timer, too. Like, look, you spin the outer edge of it. Look at that. That is so rad. Remember when Tucker said he was trying to get us back on track? Oh, my God.
00:44:07
Speaker
I mean, that is a pretty cool timer, I'm not going lie. It's so rad, dude. But anyway, if only if if only you listeners could see it. um
00:44:17
Speaker
ah But my description of it is, it's so descriptive. You know, the thing does goes like this. I'm crashing out you guys. It could anything. It could be anything.
00:44:30
Speaker
Anyway, Assassin's Creed. So... I don't know. I mean, i don't know where to start. i mean This is why I don't host. Well, let's talk about something else then. How are you guys doing? lore. start with the lore. Because you you were we were talking before the podcast started about, quote, all the lore.
00:44:49
Speaker
And i I don't know jack shit about this video game franchise. I understood this movie like I understand a text in Russian. So like please please enlighten me, Brett. what What was I supposed to have understood about this movie? but i Much like the Handbook of the Dead, it reads like stereo instructions. Is that what you're trying to say? Yes.
00:45:13
Speaker
Here's where's what we need you to do, Brett, is explain all of the lore and we will color commentate on it. We're the Dennis Miller to your Al Michaels. Yes.
00:45:25
Speaker
Okay. Go! Look, there's a lot of it, and I'm not going to get a whole lot of it right, I don't think. How much could you do in 60 seconds? We're not going to do that.
00:45:38
Speaker
More in 60 seconds. They couldn't even... that That does sound like a fun segment for the content, but we're not going to do that. Ah... Do you think I'm crashing out now? I definitely would if we tried that.
00:45:52
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Because as I mentioned... kill everyone, punch the cardinal. Before the huge tangent... like It's as convoluted as Kingdom Hearts let me start with the MacGuffin of this movie, The Apple
Assassin's Creed Lore and Historical Connections
00:46:09
Speaker
of Eden.
00:46:09
Speaker
Yes. um There are multiple apples. um This isn't the only one. um Various apples of Eden have been present for various major events in the world.
00:46:24
Speaker
Most major historical figures have used or come in contact with an Apple of Eden. Like in real life for real? For real, for real? not in real life. okay and In this alternate reality where obviously God doesn't exist, but ancient aliens do.
00:46:45
Speaker
um And they come to Earth and they start ah making humans. Nice. Like you do. we agree Like you do.
00:46:56
Speaker
um just Just like another Michael Fassbender movie, Prometheus. Yes. Look at what I did there. um But eventually, get some... He did his accent better in that movie.
00:47:10
Speaker
ah but He did not hide his accent very well in this. And it was really disappointing because he's from fucking California in this movie.
00:47:20
Speaker
Yeah, and a descendant of a Spanish person. California, Ireland, right? California is city in Ireland. Yeah, that's the one. County court. So eventually you get some like, I think the ancient civilization is are called Isus, ISU, Isus.
00:47:39
Speaker
yeah You get some Isu human hybrids. And the Isus are using their technology to subjugate, you know, the humans and the hybrids until Adam and Eve steal the first Apple of Eden and rebel.
00:48:02
Speaker
um And so the, did like the hybrids, the Isu hybrids, Like become the Templars.
00:48:15
Speaker
And the regular humans that Adam and Eve helped liberate become the assassins. Okay. And... They go to war for all of time.
00:48:29
Speaker
Templars wanting to use religion and spiritual artifacts, which is funny that the Templars create religion to control people.
00:48:40
Speaker
That's a, that's a fun thing that they do. That is hilarious. That mimics real life. Right. Just like, just like the Catholic church. Yeah. Just like the Catholic church. Yeah.
00:48:53
Speaker
And so then ancient artifacts, because it's not just the apples. There's there's also other artifacts. um The Pope staff is is an artifact of Eden um that Ezio uses in Brotherhood.
00:49:07
Speaker
Combine the apple with the papal staff and shit happens. I forget And the light shines and like it shows you where to go on the model of the city.
00:49:18
Speaker
Just like Indiana Jones? Oh, that's Indiana Jones. Yeah, that's Indiana Jones. It's similar but different. um We'll get to talk about Indiana Jones more next week.
00:49:29
Speaker
um We named the dog Indiana. You were named for the dog.
00:49:36
Speaker
Exactly. You're doing great, Brad. Thank you. You guys too. We're not, but thank you. Well, look, you're trying. um I'm working on it. I forgot that I wasn't inebriated, which is why I was so hyper.
00:49:51
Speaker
I purposely, because normally what happens on these late records is that I get too inebriated. And so, like, I haven't done any sort of mind-altering substances or drink any alcohol or anything at all tonight, and I forgot.
00:50:08
Speaker
And so i don't know if you guys noticed me being a little hyper. you were You were peeking out like crazy. Now that you mentioned it, yes, you were. Yeah, that totally tracks. yeah But now look, now I got my long drink.
00:50:20
Speaker
And it's a strong long, too. Strong long. Strong and long. Like, I like my men. And... My straight up pen full of... Vape juice?
00:50:35
Speaker
Yeah. got a new one today. It smells really good. You could have ended your sentence at the cough. That would have been hilarious. Maybe it will be ended at the cough in the edit of this episode that is released to people with ears.
00:50:50
Speaker
Fix it in post. There you go. Maybe I will. But anyway, back to the lore. So... so
00:51:00
Speaker
Yeah, so the Apples of Eden have been present in pretty much every major world event ever, from the assassination of JFK to World War II, because of course Hitler had one.
00:51:13
Speaker
um So but do do they have the same function in the games as they do in the movie, like controlling free will?
00:51:23
Speaker
No. Okay. Yeah, I was going to say, they didn't sound familiar. I was like, maybe I didn't get to that game. they didn't revanche. It's like the very first one that you see in a Assassin's Creed 1 pretty much has like a map. Doesn't it show a map of all the other artifacts?
00:51:35
Speaker
I think is what the first Apple does. Yes, i think it's the only one I've played more than once. Yeah. Yeah, the apple in the first game just shows a digital map of where all the other artifacts of Eden are located.
00:51:47
Speaker
um So that's why Abstergo is trying to find it in the first game, which I'll get to the modern day story in a minute. um
00:51:58
Speaker
So, which I have to mention that if I'm remembering the lore correctly,
00:52:07
Speaker
Henry Ford is the one that sends the apple to Hitler. That tracks. If you would believe it. No, i absolutely believe it. yeah Ford was a big fan of Hitler's.
00:52:19
Speaker
Yeah, so there you go. So it does. it Historically accurate. Yeah. Ford tough. ah harry Harry Houdini had it.
00:52:30
Speaker
That's how he was able to do magic. All the escapees he did. Yes, he was using an apple to do those apparently. ah Tesla. Tesla had one. That's how he was able to do shit with electricity. he was always able to make electric cars.
00:52:44
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And how he was able to do the Nazi salute at the inauguration. That's a different guy. Oh, OK. OK. Tesla was cool.
00:52:55
Speaker
And I don't have to believe that because you didn't say the specific phrase. Who Elon Musk? Oh, still fine. Still fine. Still not bleepable.
00:53:06
Speaker
Cool. I don't i don't know what the phrase is, so i'll just move on. um So well don't say it, Tucker. What the fuck? ah He'll just have to bleep him himself. Look, I'll just say it so he can say it.
00:53:23
Speaker
Well, dammit, you said and now we're going on to this now. No, we're not. We're moving on. I muted my mic so that I can say it. okay So that you can
00:53:38
Speaker
whether we move on or not, Brett, I still have to timestamp this because this is time in my future that I'm going to be spending on this. I still have to do it. This is time in Brett's present that he'll never get back.
00:53:50
Speaker
so that's what i'm I'm trying to help Brett out here, but you just keep going with it, Stephen. Keep going. To touch on a few more, and Napoleon used it ah to do his shit.
00:54:04
Speaker
Conquer France that one time. Or did he not conquer France? I don't remember. He tried to conquer Europe. But he was on an island. He got exiled. Remember when he was on an island? How long do you think he lasted on that island?
00:54:18
Speaker
I'm pretty sure just we could probably look that up. You know, he wasn't as short as... We could just ask Jeff Probst. He would know. yeah Where's Jeeves when you need him?
00:54:29
Speaker
Jeeves? you I mean, you posted the link in chat. I did. I should. And then that time you went to Waterloo.
00:54:41
Speaker
Home of the most excellent water slides. Yeah. and He had that Ziggy Piggy. Yeah, then and then Bill and Ted had the apple for a little while. That was fun. Can we get that movie?
00:54:54
Speaker
Please instead of this? They made everyone excellent to each other. by taking away their free will.
00:55:03
Speaker
Nobody said it didn't do that in the game, though. But I was going by the movie logic. Well, I don't know one of them. Remember, there's multiples. I think there's like 15 or 14. Whoa, we're good. whoa one Not even really a rare item at that point.
00:55:16
Speaker
like Exactly. now Especially considering the fact that there's also other artifacts of Eden. It's not just apples. but they I don't know if the fact that there's multiple apples became a sort of storytelling bullshittery device.
00:55:31
Speaker
Crutch? Yeah. Yeah. We're like, we need an artifact. It was supposed to be one apple, but now the We can't reconcile the timelines of everything working.
00:55:42
Speaker
Too many MacGuffins. So there's just, you know what? There's multiple times. How about that? um Because there's the one I mentioned on the moon. and that's, that's the reason.
00:55:53
Speaker
That's the reason that NASA was created. And the Apollo 11 mission happened is because. How did it get there though? we on Well, so apparently the Isu, when they crash landed here.
00:56:05
Speaker
Oh, because aliens, you're right. I forgot. They were trying to get back into space, failed, and and an apple got stuck on the moon. Yeah. Sometimes you drop one. and So the Apollo 11 mission was to retrieve the apple of Eden from the moon, which succeeded, a apparently.
00:56:22
Speaker
Tom Hanks was going to get that? And Kevin Bacon? That's Apollo 13. oh right that's balls are they were still going to the moon well yeah because they had then after they got the thing back they had to keep up pretense and so they had to send a whole bunch more people back up we successfully made it to the moon let's shut this down shut this all down well and also you go to the moon to get that artifact but then you're like holy shit we actually just went to the moon though yeah that's probably what happened like so side quest let's go back to the moon like not even for the artifact maybe just like to study it
00:56:55
Speaker
Maybe just hang out on the moon. So I can sort of explain that like one of the apples... You got these chips? There's two apples that were present at JFK's assassination, one of which was used to create the illusions of multiple shooters.
00:57:09
Speaker
Mmm. So... That's a clever question. but like does Templars wanted JFK that so bad they used two apples to kill that motherfucker.
00:57:22
Speaker
Wow. that's you know got When you gotta to be sure, it's gotta be two apples. That's true. I don't know where of the modern lore ends in terms of where the apples are and what's going on with them outside of this movie.
00:57:38
Speaker
um it The movie does this weird thing where it doesn't contradict any of the lore, but it doesn't confirm it either. um Because like they seem the way they talk about the Apple of Eden seems to indicate there's only one of them, right?
00:57:55
Speaker
Right. But... And the Templars at this point in time should have possession of one or more of them, I think.
00:58:07
Speaker
So i think maybe they're looking for this one in particular that they know that can control people. i don't They don't explain that. That would probably been explained in the s sequel. Who knows? I think that's a big problem with this script, too, is that it does kind of it doesn't want to settle on anything. Everything's kind of ambiguous. And i don't want to say vague because there's a story there happening.
00:58:31
Speaker
But it's almost so conveniently vague. they could like And they could have done anything with the sequel because that. It's kind of brilliant, but also the script suffers for it, I think. Right. Yeah, this I was talking to my girlfriend last night about this. like
00:58:49
Speaker
It's kind of ahead of its time and in terms of we're not going to base this on any current game. We're going to make it its own thing. So that way we don't have to follow any already established story other than the lore that Ubisoft is there to sign off on, which they did.
00:59:09
Speaker
This movie fits within the lore of the games. um The main character of Origins um is the woman who designed this version the Animus the movie.
00:59:22
Speaker
Oh, nice.
00:59:26
Speaker
and the movie oh nice Who ah Dr. What's-Her-Face steals. Why has it got to be an arm in this one? Because I remember in the old games, he just kind of laid in a thing.
00:59:39
Speaker
It's just a chair. the chair right yeah I mean, i I haven't played Origins, so i don't like I haven't read all of those files to know like what the difference is and why it's better. um i think this is this is like an animus version 4.7 or something like that i think it should have been really cool to cut back to the animus every once in a while during the action scenes but it wasn't because that thing was fucking stupid is it Is it to differentiate it from the Matrix?
01:00:10
Speaker
Because essentially it's kind of like the Matrix. Like he's in the chair. Oh, yeah. Because here's the thing. Origins came out way after this movie. So like Origins is retconning why that animus looks the way it does.
01:00:25
Speaker
Gotcha. um Because, yeah, I'm sure the original reason that it looks like that is so that it doesn't get compared to the Matrix. Because otherwise, Michael Fassbender just would have been sitting in a chair jacked in to the end. But a really nice chair, though.
01:00:41
Speaker
Sure. Yeah. Like in The Matrix, everything in the real world was kind of dingy. And like, like if you were in a chair, like there was some stuffing popping out of it and a spring popping out the side, you know.
01:00:53
Speaker
Right. The Animus is a it's a it's a piece of technology that is clearly not just a chair like in the Matrix. I do. I do see the similarities. I get it. But for me, it's not like it doesn't.
01:01:08
Speaker
I mean, it's fine. And even the earlier Animuses, like Animi, like the one in the first game, it's like dudes just laying on a table. Yeah. So, like, the chair was the iteration on that, and then the arm and whatnot is the iteration on that.
01:01:23
Speaker
so See, I think if they wanted to do something like this, they should have just had him, like, suspended in some other way. Because to have this...
01:01:34
Speaker
ah This made me think of just like a really extreme version of those virtual reality treadmills.
01:01:43
Speaker
Well, and that's sort of when like in the later games, that's what the animus becomes. Like you can just like, are you can just like jack in like anywhere. I think, um, I forget which game, like the, the main character, when they start doing the modern day games in first person,
01:01:58
Speaker
Like, you can just sort of, the dude is working, you're working at Absurgo. You're just, like, an employee there. And I think you can just, like, you can just, like, jack in from your PC, if I recall. I don't remember exactly. And play Assassin's Creed.
01:02:15
Speaker
Yeah. You can just. But for real. I mean, that's kind of, that's, um it's been a long time, so bear with me. But if I recall, that's just kind of what you did as an employee in this department of Abstergo.
01:02:27
Speaker
You just sort of jacked in, tested out the Animus by fucking around as one of your ancestors. I was going to say, the a few of these games that I'm looking at here have, like, the main characters are researchers of some kind.
01:02:42
Speaker
ah The Abstergo researcher, Helix researcher. Yeah, starting with four, I think. But yeah. yeah I kind of want i want a spin-off game where like you're one of those guys, but your ancestors are like really boring and like don't do anything exciting.
01:02:58
Speaker
They're just like tax collectors or something. Or like bakers. you You want that game from what, Rick and Morty? Rick and Morty, yeah. Yeah, where he he's just that dude. He lives that dude's entire life. and when he comes um or whatever yeah He sells carpet, yeah.
01:03:19
Speaker
Yes, kind of like that. No, that would be that would be kind of fun because you could um then you could bring it into different genres. Like I said, if you maybe your ancestors were bakers, ah you could do a cooking sim. Assassin's Creed, the cooking sim. you know ah Various other jobs and cool things could make mini-games out of.
01:03:40
Speaker
You're kind of... could even kind of do that... It's hard and much fun cooking there a little bit. I was saying you could you could do, even in a mainline game, you could have the main story where the person's doing like this historically significant thing, but then also maybe every once in while he jumps into a different ancestor and it's just a mini-game based on some like menial task.
01:04:04
Speaker
That would be kind of cool. If they did her if it, it if it's if it's not boring, it could be boring, is what I'm saying. But I think that would ah but would also be cool.
01:04:17
Speaker
I think it would too, but I think the ship has sailed on Assassin's Creed popularity to ever do something like that. Yeah. Because, I mean, this most recent one is getting a lot of hate for its content.
Assassin's Creed Franchise Potential and Challenges
01:04:30
Speaker
Dude, you could do so many different genres with that. I'm just sitting here thinking of... All the different things that you could do and it's wild. Well, if you ask me, and maybe this is a hot take and maybe Assassin's Creed fans who have made it this far into the episode, God bless you.
01:04:47
Speaker
um Good job. Would disagree when I say that Assassin's Creed may be the biggest fran video game franchise with the most wasted potential.
01:05:01
Speaker
Because they got too bogged down with trying to please everybody. It tried to be a franchise jack of all trades, master of none.
01:05:15
Speaker
And dan is they they shit the bed.
01:05:21
Speaker
Dude, yeah. That's why for me, the simpler, the better. Like, first two games, peak, perfect. Yeah. The rest of it just gets busy. Busier and busier and busier and busier.
01:05:35
Speaker
Yeah, and I think like three... No, Brotherhood. The third game, Brotherhood, was the peak for me because that that was like... That was the limit of extra shit.
01:05:47
Speaker
Like, I didn't want any more extra shit than that. yeah You let me play that CO story and occasionally I go back to the fucking home base and send some assassins out to do stuff.
01:05:59
Speaker
I dick around in a couple menus for a little bit. All I got to do. um I don't need to sit there for hours managing like I have a base here that needs this defenses and I have this base over here that needs these defenses and like there's an attack on this base and I need to get there in time or else the base is going to fall and I got to pay to repair it.
01:06:21
Speaker
Fuck off. just This isn't Assassin's Creed tower defense. I don't want to do that. That's what kind of... That's exactly what killed the reboot Tomb Raider franchise for me.
01:06:36
Speaker
Because the first two were real good and real fun. And then I played the third one and after the opening scene you're in this village and you have to like... There's shops and you have to get quests from people and And it's like, no, no, i I was doing the one thing and it was real fun.
01:06:56
Speaker
And now you're killing my fucking momentum. I want to do the fun thing. and I want to do it now. Yeah, that's not too much. I played the first reboot Tomb Raider and I thought it was really good. So good. Second was real good, too.
01:07:09
Speaker
Real, real good. Okay. Very, very... it's i Those and the Uncharted games, I think, are a very, very similar genre.
01:07:20
Speaker
Very, very specific part of that genre. I love the Uncharted games. there is They're good fun. like They're they're and the video game equivalent of just like a fun action movie that you just turn your brain off and just have a good time.
01:07:34
Speaker
And you can do your both characters in both franchises. ah they can They can just do anything, dude. Like it's still grounded. Very grounded, but also completely insane.
01:07:50
Speaker
Completely insane. I mean, sure. Yeah. But that's kind of... that's Very cool balance to strike there. That's your stereotypical video game protagonist, though. Yeah.
01:08:01
Speaker
We're looking at you, Leon Kennedy. Leon. Look, I started my fourth playthrough with the Infinite Rocket Launcher, and I got bored in the second chapter. i was like, this isn't fun.
01:08:16
Speaker
just shoot everything with a rocket launcher. The infinite rocket launcher is only good if you want to do like a professional run to get the Chicago typewriter unlocked. I don't know what that is, but I don't care because that's boring. It's Tommy gun, brother. It's an infinite Tommy gun. Yeah, well. When you upgrade it all the way, it gets the barrel so it looks like an old school like mobster Tommy gun.
01:08:36
Speaker
Oh, nice. I've been playing. The infinite ammo upgrade gives it the drum clip. Oh, nice. like So you put put Leon in the mobster outfit with so that's what that's for mafia Chicago typewriter. and it's yeah he doesn't know like michael jackson's He does a little Michael Jackson dance if you try to reload the Chicago typewriter and you're wearing that outfit.
01:08:59
Speaker
That's pretty good. Cool? Question mark? Yeah. I think it's cool. I don't not know if you do. My pretty much instant disgust with the infinite rocket launcher drove me into the arms of this random game called Kingdom Two Crowns. and boy, is it the most addicting thing that I've played ah since Bellatro.
01:09:24
Speaker
um i It's very difficult to stop playing this game, which is why I have to be proactive and not start playing it when I know i don't have like six hours to sink into it.
01:09:38
Speaker
Sure.
Tucker's Addiction to 'Kingdom Two Crowns'
01:09:39
Speaker
Because you just you never really want to stop.
01:09:46
Speaker
there' not a lot of games like that for me. I don't get addicted to games, but some of them, they really, really scratch an itch for me. What genre is it? Kingdom Crowns. It's kind of a... um It's a strategy game.
01:10:02
Speaker
Sort of. Um... It's a 2D game. It's very strange because unlike most games where you get resources and build a community and you know have your fighters and your builders and your gardeners and everything, it's it's not three-dimensional in any way. It's just you can only go left or right.
01:10:29
Speaker
And it's the most relaxing, one of the most relaxing games I've ever played. And it's the first game in a really long time that I've had difficulty. I stay have stayed up way too late a few nights last week.
01:10:44
Speaker
playing that game because I was like I just gotta check this one thing real quick and then ah no wait I gotta to go over that side to check that thing real quick and make sure this is but I do need to upgrade that though so and it just never ends like you never once you have to keep going or like you're afraid you're gonna miss something or forget something or like neglect something cause because if you go to sleep and you come back a couple days later Maybe you'll forget about that tower that needs to be repaired. Or maybe you'll forget that a whole bunch of farmers got killed, so you need to make more farmers, you know?
01:11:18
Speaker
And then you dream about it all night. All night. It's like, you know some people dream of Tetris. I've been dreaming of of Kingdom Two Crowns. All night, I'm going around just, like, improving structures.
01:11:34
Speaker
you know exploring and recruiting people for my community in my dreams. but Infinite loop. No. That is cool.
01:11:45
Speaker
That is pretty cool. It's not cool because it's going to give you trouble. I can't do it. What system is it on? What system is it on? It's on all the things. I have it on the Xbox, but I do know for a fact it's straight up on the Switch and the Steam. and Can I play it on my Gen 1 Game Boy?
01:12:07
Speaker
No. You said it was on everything no that's not You could probably play it on your PC, though. It's pretty low specs.
01:12:17
Speaker
Fire up that Steam account, Steven. Yeah, that'll do it.
01:12:22
Speaker
So anyway, I mean... But and the Kingdom 2 Crowns isn't the only one they have. It's a whole series of games, Brett. Sure. they've got I'm aware of that. I didn't know that was what they were about. but They've got one that takes place in the 80s, like a Stranger Things sort of thing.
01:12:41
Speaker
I don't even know how that works. But anyway, sorry, Brett. I can tell you're trying to move on. I'm really excited to talk about it, but I guess if you want to move on, can. Well, I mean, we spend some time. We will. Yeah. i mean but okay car but We got other stuff to record that we should use as our like avenues, vehicles to talk about these other things.
01:13:05
Speaker
all right okay Because we need to do that, honestly, if we can figure out when to do that. Because I would love nothing more than to discuss video games with you, Tucker. You know I love that. Yeah, dude.
01:13:16
Speaker
I'm big fan, too. You know I love you, baby. Mwah! So anyway, that's the modern lore, though, um is Desmond is the main character.
01:13:33
Speaker
Uh, he's a dude that doesn't know he's an assassin. Um, but quickly learns once Abstergo, uh, kidnaps him to try to figure out where the apple is much like the story of this movie. Honestly, was going to say, I'm sensing some similarities here.
01:13:50
Speaker
They figure out that his ancestor outsider, ah knew where an apple was. Uh, so they kidnap him to try to figure it out. Um,
01:14:02
Speaker
to try and trick him into thinking that Abstergo and the Templars are good people. Just trying to do a good thing. a But there's a secret agent for the Assassins that helps him out and gets him out of the Animus and They go on the lam and they have somebody that has like a portable animus.
01:14:24
Speaker
Yeah. That they jack him into. And that's when we play as Ezio, who also yeah knew about an apple. so a And he knew Leonardo da Vinci, too.
01:14:36
Speaker
He did. Yeah. It's quite a bit. You get to fly in the flying machine. You glide around and the whole city's on fire. So like the heat takes you up and it's, it's really cool. That's a really cool sequence.
01:14:48
Speaker
It is very, very cool. A really cool reference in the movie that that Da Vinci helps you with um is, you know, and in the, in the very first scene when they cut off his ring finger.
01:14:59
Speaker
Um, that, uh, dates back to the origins link of the assassins, um, where, uh, the main character goes to stab a dude with the blade and like malfunction and cuts off his ring finger as he's stabbing the dude.
01:15:19
Speaker
Um, so he incorporates that into like the creed, Until Ezio comes along and he's like, why? Because he's not an assassin to start the game with. He sort of becomes one. He's like inducted into the creed.
01:15:34
Speaker
He's just a dude that hates the Templars for killing his family. Has a great fashion sense, too. I love the clothes that he wears before he dons the robes. He's a very... he's a But even his robes are really fucking cool looking. Yeah, dude.
01:15:48
Speaker
Like and Altier's were just like very basic but Ezio Ezio was like like ah Will Smith. He's like you know what the difference between me and you is Altier?
01:16:01
Speaker
I make this look good. He looks like a character in Conclave. don't know what that is. don't know what that is either. Academy Award winning movie starring Ralph Fiennes and Stanley Tucci and John Lithgow. I like all those guys. Ladies and gentlemen at time of recording.
01:16:17
Speaker
Oh, was that a movie this year? Yeah. It's my third favorite movie of 2024. It fucking rules. It's about a bunch of like cardinals like talking in like darkened hallways and shit.
01:16:29
Speaker
ah We gotta punch them, motherfuckers.
Assassin's Creed Film and Game Plot Confusion
01:16:32
Speaker
Do you guys remember the big trailer on Tropic Thunder with Tobey Maguire and Robert Downey Jr.?
01:16:41
Speaker
Satan's Outlet, of course.
01:16:46
Speaker
That's really funny. Sorry. Anyway. yeah so i so So as Ezio's learning about the Creed and like getting inducted into it, he's like, why the fuck do I got to cut off my ring finger?
01:16:58
Speaker
We're going to fix that because I don't want to lose my ring finger. So he has Da Vinci design a new hidden blade for him. And so that's why when you see his father later He doesn't have his pinky fingers intact.
01:17:16
Speaker
He didn't have to cut it off. Which is nice. but I mean, then that's cool. That's a cool Easter egg for fans of the game. But it's so subtle.
01:17:27
Speaker
Like, and it's so ridiculously subtle. They're like, why? like you Like, you know, you don't want to put a hat on a hat, right? But like, you want to put maybe like a little bit more of a hat on that. Nobody likes hat on a hat. Maybe just a little, like a tiny little bit of a hat. Maybe just put a hat on it. Just like circle it a little bit so that we can like see it Yeah.
01:17:49
Speaker
Just a little nudge. like Check that out. Yeah. Just something. but not not like Not like YouTube thumbnails where they're like circling it with red and a giant red arrow. like Did you catch this Easter egg in Assassin's Creed?
01:18:04
Speaker
cause like i and And again, maybe this is just me being dumb about this this movie and this this franchise, but I didn't understand until right toward the end, like right before the final set piece of the movie, that Abstergo were the bad guys.
01:18:22
Speaker
Yeah, they don't sell that real well, do they? No, they really don't. like the Charlotte Rampling says something about Torquemada earlier, and I'm like... Wait, are these are these good guys or bad guys? like That's really weird.
01:18:36
Speaker
Well, see, and and the same thing for me. i've I've played the games and I understand them and everything, but it was not clear to me. And I was paying attention. I did not look at my phone during this film as much as I wanted to.
01:18:49
Speaker
ah didn't. I was paying attention, though. And I still, until probably about two thirds of the way through it, I was like, oh yeah, I guess those are the Templars.
01:19:01
Speaker
Because at first I was like, oh good, the Assassins, and they're gonna help everybody. But then they started, Jeremy Irons was like, kind of talking weird. And I was like, wait, maybe those are the Templars.
01:19:13
Speaker
and like But they didn't frame it like it was supposed to be a twist. Like, I feel like I was supposed to know. Hold on. So you played, how many Assassin's Creed games did you play? All the way through, three of them. and you did Four of them.
01:19:28
Speaker
didn't know the Templars owned in Sergo until just now? When they came out, I played those games, and I haven't played them since.
01:19:42
Speaker
And no, I don't mimby lot about those games. I remember the main like deal of what you do in the games. And I remember flying around with the city on fire.
01:19:56
Speaker
And I remember like the coolest part was when you would do the like the actual assassination, when you assassinate the target. And I was really disappointed they didn't do that in this movie because like you like when you get to them and you're about to do it, like time stops and and you and the victim are like in this void.
01:20:15
Speaker
And like you talk. like He has a whole conversation with the motherfucker. like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction style. then and then And he's like, I respect you and I love you. And then he kills him.
01:20:25
Speaker
that get respect you I love you, but basically I wish that had been in in the movie too, at least ah such a cool part for those yeah games, man. because they boys even Let me explain, Steven. So in the games, you most of the missions in the game, are you, well, the main missions, the the big ones are when you have an assassination target.
01:20:45
Speaker
They're usually, you know, the bigger characters in the game. They're the general of an army. They're the Pope, you know, political figures and such. Yeah. Once you, and it's usually a big ordeal and it's a long fucking arduous task to get to them and kill them.
01:21:03
Speaker
Usually never stealthily in my case because I sucked at the stealth in Assassin's Creed. I tried, goddammit, but I was pretty bad at it anyway. um and But when you got to them and killed them, like Tucker's saying, it would go into like this void in the animus of you talking to the person you just killed.
01:21:25
Speaker
And like, there's usually, there's exposition, there's lore, there's like, you know, final death, you know, deathbed revelation sort of things happening.
01:21:36
Speaker
um And then in Ezio's case, he's like, rick wea scottpa Yeah, he's always very sweet about it at the end.
Desmond's Storyline and Modern-day Speculations
01:21:45
Speaker
He's a yeah real sweet, real sweet boy. He's like, ah hope yeah I hope you go to heaven.
01:21:52
Speaker
Yeah, which I... Basically. And i if I recall, Ezio always also did like close their eyes. Yeah, do that they did do that in the in this movie. Which I think was meant to be a callback to that.
01:22:05
Speaker
Yeah, that wasn't enough. Maybe they didn't know how to work it into the story to make it make sense. Give me the void give me nothing. Yeah. um So, but but yeah.
01:22:18
Speaker
and So I wish they'd done that. Me too. Do they still do that in the games, though? Do they still do that? I don't know. I'll ask Boss, my roommate, if she's not here right now.
01:22:33
Speaker
I'll text her someday and I'll let you guys know. Next episode, I'll come back with an update. Appreciate that. Thank you. yeah um So mean back to the modern day. um
01:22:47
Speaker
So over the course of multiple games,
01:22:55
Speaker
Desmond is like finding out more about the ancient aliens. And there's like, there's one ancient alien That's really good and wants to help the assassins. And there's one ancient alien that's really bad and wants to help the Templars.
01:23:12
Speaker
And think the good... they different colors? No. They're just the same sort of digital projection that comes out of various pieces of Eden. Oh, I do mimby that.
01:23:26
Speaker
See, like, the more you talk about the more it comes back. But, like, I can't recall that shit because, like... I don't know, man. You've slept since then. Well, and also, you don't have the touch of the tism like I do. i Well, and as I mentioned a couple episodes ago, I recently read an article on the internet that said, and this is news to me, that if you smoke marijuana, get this, it can affect your memory.
01:23:53
Speaker
What? What? if you smoke marijuana get this it affect your memory
01:24:02
Speaker
What? No. Absurd. Who'da thunk? Who'da thunk? Well, yeah, so it's a combination of the weed and you you don't have enough of the tism like I do.
01:24:12
Speaker
so Man, I wish I had just a little bit more. you You really don't. Just a pinch, like a little bit of fairy dust. Just little sprinkle of tism.
01:24:24
Speaker
Yep. Right over the top. A little bit. So anyway, um it builds to this culmination. It seems to be building, as I mentioned earlier, this this building towards this game.
01:24:37
Speaker
Maybe Assassin's Creed 3 or 4 would have been the modern day one ah where we're fighting the Templars in the modern day and Desmond is leading the modern day assassins.
01:24:49
Speaker
um But no, they just decided to kill him off. ah Yes, he sacrifices himself because of course he does. Like sure. um
01:25:00
Speaker
And yeah. And then the next game after that is us like. As an Abstergo employee. And I mean, as you go around the office, you do see characters that Desmond interacted with and were part of his party.
01:25:17
Speaker
And you're thinking that that's going to go somewhere. You're thinking that like those people have infiltrated Abstergo and something's going to happen. The modern day story is still going just in a different way. No.
01:25:28
Speaker
Those are just Easter eggs. Yeah, that's not real. um Because I finished that game and nothing happened with that as far as I remember. um So yeah, that's that's where it ends really.
01:25:43
Speaker
um Maybe the movie, like maybe maybe Tucker's right. Maybe that's what would have happened if the movie got a sequel. um that maybe the modern day story would have happened in the movies.
01:25:54
Speaker
Well, and see, that that would have been cool because like like you said, Brett, as much as i as boring and as dull as this movie is, the the parts where they are actually back in the past doing the assassin shit and all the dialogues in Spanish, that shit's real good.
01:26:11
Speaker
It's just wrapped up in a shitty movie. And if we got... since they're assassins in the modern times at the end of this movie, we would just have twice as much of that because like in, as the story moved forward in the original games, they kind of went on the road and had the portable animus and shit.
01:26:30
Speaker
You could have done that. They could have been kicking ass in the modern times and then doing it in the past. And it would be really cool to see like in this, it wasn't cool to see the differences in, you know, lighting and, and shot composition and editing techniques.
01:26:45
Speaker
Um, um because the modern day was so sterile and boring. But it would be really interested interesting in a sequel to have kind of these two movies having parallel plots sewn together by the Animus and showing us, like I said, kind of two different movies, because you wouldn't shoot...
01:27:12
Speaker
both time periods the same way. i just think that would be interesting in the hands of the right director. That's all I'm saying. It'd be visually cool, probably. The movie is following the same storyline. like They're on the run. Templars are trying to track them down, but they have a portable animus that they can Jack Callum into.
01:27:31
Speaker
um But i mean but that's that's the thing. they'd have to he'd have We'd have to find a different ancestor because... Aguilar's story ends with him giving the apple to Christopher Columbus.
01:27:42
Speaker
Right. We're pretty sure Aguilar doesn't do anything after that. um Other than other and more assassin shit, but like nothing of significance, assassin shit. Right.
01:27:54
Speaker
But, but maybe you have him interact with Ezio because they lived around the same time. Yeah. Like maybe Ezio shows Who's playing Ezio, Brett? who's playing Who are you casting as Ezio in 2017? I don't know.
01:28:06
Speaker
That's a... 2017. I don't know. Ezio. This is a question for Steven. Like think of a really like good Italian actor, Italian American actor. I was going to say i would I would probably pick someone Italian passing, someone who's played his share of Italian characters, Antonio Banderas, but he might be a little old.
01:28:24
Speaker
in 2017 2018 i could see a depending on when they said it we could get old etzio because like in revelations you know yeah we we follow etzio's entire life yeah so etzio i'd say straight up just dies of old age at the end of revelations jeffrey dean morgan would be cool as etzio i don't think he's italian but i think he has the build for it and like the I don't know, just the body type for it because Ezio is just a ah dude, like a farmer.
01:28:58
Speaker
He's built like a farmer, basically, Ezio is. I think Jeopardy Morgan has the wrong kind of swagger, though. You think so? Like, Ezio is like cocky, like fast-talking swagger. Yeah. Jeopardy Morgan is more of like slow-talking Southern.
01:29:20
Speaker
ah he is the comedian.
01:29:24
Speaker
True. I don't think it's outside of his range is all I'm saying. I don't think that's the best choice. I think we can think of somebody better.
01:29:33
Speaker
Yeah, let's let us know. In the comments. Who's going to be e seo in twenty seven circa
01:29:42
Speaker
patreon.com slash disenfranched pod what historical figure would you have wanted to see in the sequel because i'm sure there would have big one i know who's the guy um who's in bringing out the dead and he like used to date jennifer lopez he's a singer mark anthony yes enrique glacius Close. no ah No, Mark Anthony, get him put some weight on that guy. I think you'd have a good Ezio.
01:30:14
Speaker
Yeah. like see that He was real good in bringing out the dead. I remember when I saw that, I was like, i was like you mean the pop singer? he's doing the thing? like What if we go a little younger and go with Jon Bernthal?
01:30:32
Speaker
oh
01:30:34
Speaker
Oh, maybe. I'd have to see the hair on him. it would be because, well, I don't know. What do you think, Brett?
01:30:44
Speaker
I don't know if I've seen him in a role that is similar enough to Ezio that I can't tackle. He's kind of got the build for Because like I said, he's kind of like blue collar strong. Like, Jon Barenthal looks like he works a factory job.
01:30:58
Speaker
You know what mean? Yeah. And that's kind of how Ezio is. body stephen Yeah, like you've got the body type right. But Ezio is very like
01:31:12
Speaker
very charismatic.
Assassin's Creed Movie Box Office and Reception
01:31:14
Speaker
Smooth. He's a smooth gentleman. Fast-talking. you Here's the thing about Jon Bernthal. then He's an actor.
01:31:23
Speaker
He can play. it He's got range. Yeah, I know. And look, I've been saying that about movies. that's true. All right, then fine. Let's have Tom Hanks play Ezio. How about that, Steven? He's an actor, right? Let's just fucking do it.
01:31:37
Speaker
Tom Hanks is Ezio in Assassin's Creed 2. The game. Or the movie. Sorry. Not the game. Asterix, not the game.
01:31:51
Speaker
Tom Hanks. But you know what you do, though? Around 2017, you around twenty seventeen you Kristen Bell to reprise her role from the games.
01:32:01
Speaker
Oh, I thought you were going to say from Pudi Tang. No. Why? what why Why would i No. that's Tucker o is always ever thinking of Pootie Tang at the to the exclusion of most other things.
01:32:17
Speaker
it's It's true. Someone mentions Kristen Bell. I don't i don't think of Frozen. i don't think of The Good Place. I don't think of Veronica Mars. No, I think of the deleted scene from Pootie Tang that they were kind enough to put in the credits.
01:32:33
Speaker
Thank you, comedy movies that put all their deleted scenes in the credits. Thank you. We appreciate that. Oh, we didn't even touch on the deleted scenes in this movie. I don't know if you guys saw it.
01:32:45
Speaker
There was a whole ass other character they cut out of this movie. believe it. Have you seen this? Have you ever heard about this? No. Wasn't it supposed to be two and a half hours long, this movie? So, like, there's there's a whole other character that is supposed to be the descendant of Aguilar's partner?
01:33:02
Speaker
Oh, oh yeah that gal he touches noses with. Yeah. um She's like younger. She's she's like in her 20s, though. She's like way younger than he is. Was that the other girl that was like hanging out with in the ah like in the in the place?
01:33:19
Speaker
I don't think so. i I think she was completely she was cut out. of Yeah, she's not in it at all. Oh, but like she does drawings. She's like she does a lot of drawings just like Simon was doing.
01:33:30
Speaker
So like, yes, she likes to do drawings.
01:33:37
Speaker
So like that was supposed to tie into like the stuff he was drawing at the beginning of the movie. So that doesn't seem as completely irrelevant as it does now. um What was he drawing with? He was using his fingies, but what was he?
01:33:50
Speaker
Probably like a piece shirt like a piece of pencil lead that he probably took out of a pencil. He was in prison. don't fucking know. They figure it out. Who did he kill? Why is he in jail? Who did he kill?
01:34:02
Speaker
ah pimp.
01:34:04
Speaker
I would have liked to know a little more about that.
01:34:08
Speaker
I mean, maybe they would have explored it in the second one. I mean, it's it's it's sort of a callback to the game. It's a bit of a stretch, but like... A lot of, like as especially if you think about like the Ezio's games, like like a lot of his contacts are courtesans and ladies of the night.
01:34:27
Speaker
And they do that a lot in the in the Jack the Ripper DLC of Syndicate. um They touch on that a lot too. um So that may be a callback to that part of the lore.
01:34:44
Speaker
It's another one of those like... Maybe you could put a little bit more of a hat on this thing. That would have helped. Or a mohawk. yeah Something to draw attention to it, please.
01:34:56
Speaker
um There's some other deleted scenes that expand the lore and make it not as fucking confusing for the layman. um But, you know, they had to cut all that out because...
01:35:07
Speaker
Who fucking cares, right? um Hey, and ah here's the thing. if If it were two and a half hours long and that meant we got more stuff in the past that was really fun and good times and and stuff.
01:35:19
Speaker
There was no deleted scenes from the past that i'm aware of. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, well, look, man. like i will I will cap off this episode because it's time to wrap it up.
01:35:32
Speaker
Oh, gosh, yes. We're going cap off this episode by saying that I own this movie in physical media. Oh, fuck Okay. ray Yeah, because yeahy it was around the time Deadpool 2 came out that they were doing the Deadpool covers.
01:35:48
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah. um and I was like, I want to buy one of these. Are you going to show us? I'll buy the Assassin's Creed one. No, I don't. and It's downstairs. i forgot man but the Man, I'll send you a picture when we're done. all right I'll look it up while you're talking. all right yeah think that I mean, it's basically just a movie poster, but like one side. Now he Googles shit.
01:36:12
Speaker
Yeah, I do. we've We've come full circle. Stephen, would you take us home, please? ah Sure. Assassin's Creed, the film, 2016, came out on December 21st in the year of our Lord 2016. The world was a little darker. a little a small, fat man named Donald Trump had just taken office.
01:36:33
Speaker
a Or was getting ready to take office and the world was terrified and it needed laughter, which is why Assassin's Creed ah opened at number five at the box office that weekend.
01:36:44
Speaker
um it It earned in its opening weekend $11 million dollars on its way to a domestic gross of $54.6 million.
01:36:55
Speaker
It earns another, um it actually does gangbusters overseas. $186.1 million dollars international for a grand box office total of $240.8 million. dollars Yeah, here's the thing. Like, around that time, Assassin's Creed, I wouldn't even say it was at the height of its popularity. And even then, Assassin's Creed is not a blockbuster franchise.
01:37:22
Speaker
You might have been able to say that at one point. But not in 2016. Right. And it was definitely a way more popular video game franchise overseas than it was in America.
01:37:33
Speaker
So the fact that it opens at number five and they chose to make a movie about Assassin's Creed is ridiculous. Anyway, carry on. At number one this week, not even opening. It's been in theaters for two weeks. It's Rogue One, colon, A Star Wars Story.
01:37:49
Speaker
um a movie I saw in theaters that weekend. i In second place, Sing! what ah animated film with Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other people playing singing animals.
01:38:04
Speaker
In third place, Passengers, that creepy Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence movie. In fourth place, Why Him? The movie where Zoe Deutsch brings James Franco home to her parents, Bryan Cranston and Megan Mullally.
01:38:19
Speaker
And in fifth place, Assassin's Creed. ah Rounding out the Hey, that's the movie we watched. It is. Nice. Rounding out the top ten, you've got The Fifth Week of Moana.
01:38:31
Speaker
ah The second week of Fences opening wide this week, up from 25th place to 7th. In 8th place, future not quite Best Picture winner La La Land.
01:38:44
Speaker
And in 9th place, Office Christmas Party. In 10th place, Collateral Beauty. So there you go. There's our top 10. ah The tomatometer score on this movie is a 19%. percent The critics consensus Assassin's Creed is arguably better made and certainly better cast than most video game adaptations.
01:39:03
Speaker
Unfortunately, the CGI fueled end result still is a still is still a joylessly over plotted slog. Good job, critics.
01:39:13
Speaker
Yeah, I have to agree with that. I mean, I slightly disagree because I'm a fan. That's the thing. Fans only like this movie a little bit more. Than the average person? and the average person. Not much.
01:39:26
Speaker
That's fair. um um The Metascore is a 36 based on generally unfavorable reviews from 38 critics. And the Letterboxd score, Tucker, care to take a stab?
01:39:41
Speaker
What movie is it? Assassin's Creed? um yeah I guess. ah You know what? I don't even know any anymore, dude. um i'm going I'm going to say between a 2.3 and 2.7. 2.0. Okay.
01:39:56
Speaker
two point zero okay I don't think I'm good at this anymore. Maybe Letterboxd has changed. Remember I was so good at it? And then like all of a sudden I'm just so far off every week.
01:40:09
Speaker
It's okay, though. You weren't that far off. He's at 2.3 on the low end. You were only 0.3 off. That's not that bad. 3 tenths of gas. All right, I'll keep doing it. Yeah, you will. It's content.
01:40:21
Speaker
We're running out of bits to do. Right. we've We've lost all of our bits. We've stopped doing those. We're cutting all of the bits. All the bits get cut.
01:40:32
Speaker
We're just now a very lean, no-bits podcast. Just chaos. ah Brett, out of five stars, how many are you giving to 2016's Assassin's Creed?
01:40:44
Speaker
Let me tell you, I started at 2.5 after I watched it, and then i i did a little I dug back into the lore, I did a little bit more research, I watched some YouTube videos, brought it up to a three. Okay.
01:40:56
Speaker
Just a.5 made me respect it a little bit more. yeah but Fair enough. Yeah, three. Tucker, what about you? ah This is going to get a two. from me.
01:41:08
Speaker
Like, ah there's... I will concur with Brett that the the stuff when he's in the Animus is mostly pretty rad, and like the the the running and the parkouring and the fighting is all really engaging and cool.
01:41:25
Speaker
But they always cut it off right when it's getting exciting. Every time! They're like, oh, you're having too much fun. It's like Graham Chapman in the episodes of Flying ah flying Circus, where he's the general.
01:41:39
Speaker
he's like, stop that. It's too silly. And he makes them stop stuff. like that's So yeah, too. like There's good stuff there, but of as a whole, it's kind of shit.
01:41:53
Speaker
Yeah, it's a one and a half for me. Like, I just, I could not figure out what the hell this is. And with no context, I can't imagine. Like, half the fun of the good stuff in this movie was having context
Nostalgia for Assassin's Creed Gameplay
01:42:06
Speaker
of the games. Like, the the free running and the parkour and everything, that was fun because you remember that experience in the games and it it feels kind of like it, you know?
01:42:15
Speaker
So if you don't have that, then... I mean, it's shit. And those scenes straight out game, like running across the... And the little hops. He does the little hops. Somebody hops.
01:42:29
Speaker
Yeah, like all the parkour is straight. You know what else I fucking hated? is the The Assassin's Creed games have such great, beautiful soundtracks. Yes. What the fuck is the soundtrack in this movie?
01:42:41
Speaker
Garbage. Garbage. It's just like the same... It has no it's It's just nothing. Like the games have, I used to listen to the Assassin's Creed 2 soundtrack just for fun.
01:42:55
Speaker
i believe that. It's so beautiful. Like Jesper Kidd, a genius. um But like, I don't know what they did to the soundtrack in this movie. they if if If the action hadn't have been so cool,
01:43:11
Speaker
the the music might have taken me out of it. I've to be honest. Dude, yeah. I would also like to say that um the setting um was just boring.
01:43:24
Speaker
boring i think maybe it's the Spanish Inquisition. It's in the middle of the Spanish fucking Inquisition. No one expects... Okay, but look. Come on. How do you make that boring? Yes, but in the games, at least, you get to see details and stuff.
01:43:40
Speaker
I'm not complaining so much that... Well, no, I'm i'm agreeing with you. I'm sorry if that came up like I wasn't agreeing with you. I was, because like it's the Spanish Inquisition. Do more with it. What the fuck are you doing?
01:43:51
Speaker
Yeah, I'm saying like it's we don't get to spend enough time there, slow, quiet time to observe anything. um Those sets probably looked great, but we were running through them so quickly. Like in those past scenes, they had to get so much action done that they barely got to the camera barely got to sit still, you know.
01:44:14
Speaker
So you you don't really get to take in the surroundings when you're just constantly in motion. which a lot of those scenes are. i just just I just wish that the movie had been more like the original games, where 85% of it, you're doing Assassin's Creed shit, and the other part, you're doing the modern day shit, which you're walking around a bit, pushing some buttons.
01:44:45
Speaker
You might fight a dude.
01:44:48
Speaker
Yeah, you might do like some some bleeding effect shit. and You might learn some stuff in the modern day. But most of the time, you're back doing the cool shit. Because, I mean, notice how most of the time, like we're fan casting Ezio.
01:45:01
Speaker
We're not fan casting Desmond. no we're We're talking about how much we love Ezio. We're not talking about how much we love Desmond. No, my dream casting for Desmond would be Jogo. Shave that boy's head and he's a Desmond.
01:45:15
Speaker
Yeah.
01:45:17
Speaker
and Well, then he would need to play Ezio because like it's it's the same mocap actor in the games. Oh, I could i could see that. Jogo could do an Ezio. yeah Yeah. Last time he had to do accent on film, he he that was just great.
01:45:31
Speaker
yeah Anyone else see The Walk? No? Just me? No. I saw that movie where he was on that bicycle. Did you ever see that? When he was on the bicycle and he was a delivery guy and the guys were trying to get him?
01:45:44
Speaker
No. It was called
01:45:49
Speaker
a Premium Rush.
01:45:53
Speaker
Why does that sound familiar? Because it's a movie. Jogo is a bike messenger and he gets into some shenanigans and and you know, like you do.
01:46:04
Speaker
And the guys try to get him and he has to bike through. the do-oo to- do He's on his bike. He really hurt himself in that movie, like for real, because he did a lot of the biking himself. And he hurted himself pretty badly. But he's okay now.
01:46:15
Speaker
He healed. Sure. you have Like you do. All right. Well, that... unless there was any objections is our episode Assassin's Creed. You can find us on ah we're on blue sky, YouTube and letterboxd now at disenfranch pod.
01:46:36
Speaker
Shoot us an email disenfranch pod at gmail.com. Join the official conversation at patrion.com slash disenfranch pod, where you can either join for free or for five bucks a month access, just scads and scads of extra content that may or may not have been updated in a while.
01:46:52
Speaker
um And yeah, we've also, I'm Stephen Fox. with Oh yeah. Rate us and review us on your podcatcher of choice. Five stars, please. And thank you. If, and if you liked this episode, not sure why, but you can rate it five stars on Spotify as well.
01:47:07
Speaker
Um, we sure do appreciate that. And if you could leave us a ah review as well, that will go a long way to helping us find other listeners like yourselves. And yeah, I'm your host, Steven Foxworthy. You can find me on blue sky and letterboxd at Chewy Walrus. Brett, where can we find you on socials these days?
01:47:27
Speaker
Letterboxd. Right on. At? Oh, at Susswar. There's no underscore on letterboxd. They don't like underscores. That's a blue sky. Yeah.
01:47:38
Speaker
Is it? so that's underscore war like on letterbox Social media is cancer. Anyway, carry on. and go Tucker? In Manhattan, a bike messenger picks up an envelope that attracts the interest of a dirty cop who pursues the cyclist throughout the city.
01:47:56
Speaker
Also, Michael
Podcast Closing Remarks and Future Episodes
01:47:57
Speaker
Shannon's in it. You guys love that guy. And this guy, this ah David Coep, am I saying that right? David Kapp.
01:48:07
Speaker
He directed it. He's written some of some of people's favorite movies. You know what'm talking about? He writes stuff. yeah Stir of Echoes, you guys.
01:48:18
Speaker
Maybe a little bit Jurassic Park. Maybe be a Dial of Destiny, that didn't new Indiana Jones. Everybody loved that one. Sure didn't. Indiana Jones is completely different.
01:48:29
Speaker
Big hit. don't know. We should talk about Indiana Jones. i think that might be the porn parody. Is that a real? Oh, i was I was just taking the S off. I wasn't spelling it J-O-A-N.
01:48:40
Speaker
I was doing the opposite of pluralizing everything because I'm old. Honestly, the porn parody of Indiana Jones is probably Indiana Moan, let's be honest. Or Indiana Bone. i need but ah There it is.
01:48:53
Speaker
I'm still on Instagram and YouTube at IceNight09. That's I-C-E-N-I-N-E, the number zero and the number nine. Also, TuckMugs is still around. Tuck underscore mugs. Don't know what we're doing with it, but we'll probably figure it out soon.
01:49:07
Speaker
um can we Can we cover Premium Rush? Can we put that on the list? It's kind of what it's it's kind of an old-timey thing. like they don't make Even then, they didn't make movies like that anymore.
01:49:21
Speaker
It was pretty cool. pretty It's pretty pretty cool. I think we can cover it because I'm sure if it made a bunch of money, they would have tried to make a sequel. That's like any movie, though.
01:49:33
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, know that's kind of open any movie fits our format. we have So Premium Rush then, put it on the list. Sure, whatever. And if it doesn't fit on the um the main feed, we'll just add it to the ever-expanding straight-up list.
01:49:52
Speaker
There we go. He's like weaving in and out of cars and shit. It's really exciting. You guys, you gotta see it. It's really good. It's Yoko. He's got the little bag and the helmet. On that note, thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Disenfranchised Podcast.
01:50:09
Speaker
Please join us next week for the second week of our Oops All Video Game month. ah So yeah, until next week, for my co-hosts, Brett Wright and Tucker, I have been Stephen Foxworthy saying, ah fuck them Templars.
01:50:27
Speaker
Oh, and if any of you are wondering if any if any of you are wondering why we didn't do an oops, like in a bit video game corner, that's kind of the point of the whole like month. So like I'm not going to sit there and talk about every video game in a given franchise. I sort of did that this time, and that's kind of the whole episode.
01:50:43
Speaker
But like you know maybe Tomb Raider, maybe talk about Raider a little bit. That's next week. Spoilers. um But in case you're curious, that's why there's not a dedicated segment about the video game corner. It's kind of a whole month's thing. So yeah, anyway...
01:50:57
Speaker
i I love you. Bye. Very special PSA from Brett at the end.