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My Annual Apology - 5786
28 Plays13 days ago
I probably made a bunch of people upset years and years ago - but I can't remember all the details. (There's a reason you're supposed to apologize as soon as you mess up.) Between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, Jews are called to do an honest accounting of our souls, and to make amends where we can. In this episode, I'll explain that a little more, and why MY apology, however imperfect, is pretty necessary right now.
Links:
Today is not yesterday - https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1612482/jewish/Today-Is-Not-Yesterday.htm
Gam Zeh Yaavor -
https://www.ansheamunim.org/gam_zeh_yaavor
Cheshbon haNefesh
https://mussarinstitute.org/cheshbon-hanefesh-3/
Detours and Destinations Podcast
https://www.92ny.org/archives/featured-series/detours-and-destinations
Epsiode with Rabbi Shira
https://www.92ny.org/archives/detours-destinations-rabbi-shira-stutman
Rabbi Shira’s podcast
Don't forget - you can reach me (Rabbi LeighAnn) any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com or everyonesfavoriterabbi.com or rabbileighann.com !
Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding. There are SO many options, from Ketubah consulting to ceremony planning. If there's something you have in mind, don't hesitate to ask - I'm here to help!
IG: @yourohiorabbi
Podcast IG: @yourjewishweddingpodcast
Send questions for me to answer on this podcast to:
yourjewishweddingpodcast@gmail.com
Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
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Transcript
Introduction and Welcome
00:00:00
Speaker
So every time I have one of those calls, you know i hang up and I think and think about their faces and I think about how defeated they were you know before we talked. And I think, how many people did I make them feel that way?
00:00:17
Speaker
it Was I the cause of like stress and despair and conflict about the the wedding? Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding? Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:00:33
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay.
00:00:45
Speaker
Welcome to your Jewish wedding with Rabbi Leanne. Here, i can be everyone's rabbi, yours too. My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
Reflecting on Growth and Yom Kippur
00:01:18
Speaker
Well, hello, everybody. i am so happy to be here with you today. I'm especially happy, or I guess not so happy, because this is a re-recording.
00:01:30
Speaker
It's a first for me. Now, I'd heard about this happening to other podcast hosts, that something was so wrong with the audio that she just had to re-record the entire the entire podcast.
00:01:45
Speaker
I have not had to do that until this day, episode 32. And it is just a matter of hubris.
00:01:56
Speaker
Okay. I messed up. Now it's the day before Nidre, which is the day before Yom Kippur. So it's the day before the day before Yom Kippur. And I'm sure there's a metaphor in here, but I am, I'm just still too devastated with myself for not doing a regular old sound check of the audio, all the settings in my recorder after more than two years without using that recorder. The last time I used it was over two years ago. I'm I don't know. but It is a first. Maybe I should say a t'sha'achayaneh.
00:02:30
Speaker
You know, there's a there's a beautiful Jewish blessing that we say when ah we have done something for the first time in a long time, but it we don't do it for everyday things usually. We usually do it for mitzvahs, although I guess I could...
00:02:45
Speaker
probably find a way to explain how this particular instance of messing up and having to completely redo a sound recording is is a mitzvah in some, but I'll leave that for for another episode.
00:02:57
Speaker
ah Instead of saying Shachayani, I will share a story.
The Value of New Beginnings
00:03:01
Speaker
This story has been running through my head since I heard it from one of my rabbis. He's also a colleague, also a friend, Rabbi Alex Braver. He's one of the rabbis at the shul my family belongs to.
00:03:14
Speaker
So I heard this story from him just this past Shabbat for the first time ever in my life, even though I guess it's a story that most people hear as little children for the first time. Well, story of my life. Anyway, it comes from Rabbi Shmuel Bitzal Sheptal, who, you know, that's a mouthful, right? So when we talk about him,
00:03:35
Speaker
And the stories he passed down, we refer to him as the Roshbats, which is an acronym. The most famous ah Jewish rabbi acronym, by the way, is the Rambam, which you probably heard in The Big Lebowski.
00:03:48
Speaker
Also a acronym for Maimonides' full name. Anyway, so the Roshbats here, what a name, right? um He was ah Hasidic gadol. Like he was a big guy in the Hasidic movement.
00:04:02
Speaker
And I will link to... ah the page where I read this story as I was as i was working on this episode. And that is Chabad website, I believe. And you can read all about anything you ever wanted to know about the Hasidic movement from that website.
00:04:20
Speaker
So this guy, the Rashbatsi love telling this story that um my rabbi Alex Braver told this past weekend and that I am now telling to you. By the way, when When Jewish people like tell stories and talk about topics and and they go through this long line of who they heard it from and who that person heard it from, that actually is a very serious ah Jewish value.
00:04:44
Speaker
um It's called besheh momroh, and it basically means set your sources so that nobody thinks that you know this is all your idea. So ah very important. Totally necessary. So this story that the Roshbats told is about a boy and his father, and they used to get up every day before dawn.
00:05:00
Speaker
They would say their morning prayers. They'd go to work. They'd eat lunch together, and then they'd come home after sunset. They worked very hard all day long together, side by side. When they got home they'd eat, they'd say their prayers and they'd go to sleep. And every day was exactly the same.
00:05:15
Speaker
But like so many things that all of us do in our day-to-day lives, you know, every single day, it became almost a ritual, you know, making your coffee in the morning, wiping down the sink after you wash your hands, hopefully, ah you know, all those things. And it it became so that it would feel strange if they didn't do their day-to-day lives exactly this way.
00:05:35
Speaker
You know, just like us, this boy and his father, especially the boy, found meaning in the sameness of each and every day. We grow attached to these things, right? Everything about them. Well, one day, the boy and his father went to work as always.
00:05:48
Speaker
But on that particular day, okay, this is a big bummer, there was no lunch. Okay. So all the, you know, all the prayer, all the hard work, no lunch. Awful. It was one of the Jewish fast days, it turned out.
00:06:01
Speaker
And, you know, understandably, the boy was maybe taken off a bit off guard. He was very unhappy. Now, this is a lesson of growing up also because the boy was maybe just a little older than Bar Mitzvah age. And maybe this was one of the first years he even had to really think about when the fast days were.
00:06:18
Speaker
But for whatever reason, it for this boy, was just an especially miserable day. And we can all understand that feeling, right? especially with food. I don't know about you guys with food or, um, getting home to get into my pajamas, right?
00:06:33
Speaker
You look forward to it all day. And then when something's wrong and you just can't have that thing, Oh, how awful, right? Um, the next morning, So they, you know, but they still went to sleep. They still said their evening prayers.
00:06:45
Speaker
And the next morning, the boy's father went to wake him up. All right, man, like, get up. We're going say our prayers. We're going to go to work. It's going to be great. And the boy was like, absolutely not. not going. I'm not.
00:06:57
Speaker
i can't do it. Yesterday it was awful. Why would I do that again? i Why would I leave so early and work so hard if there's not going to be any food? And his father's like looked at him for a second, and started with this big belly laugh. And he's like, bud, get up.
00:07:12
Speaker
Don't worry about it. And the boy's like, no, I'm not. I'm not. What are you talking about? I'm not going to be miserable like that for another day, you know especially not in a row. And the father just looked at him and said, don't you know, today isn't yesterday. Today is not yesterday. i that hit me so hard.
00:07:32
Speaker
You know, and I have to say during the sermon, Rabbi Alex, if you're listening to this, you know, You know how much I respect you. I was ah little chatty during your sermon this past Shabbat with my friend Kathy, who I love and adore. And, you know, we go to synagogue and and sit and we we chat together and it's a lovely time.
00:07:51
Speaker
Regardless of how much chatting I was doing with my friend Kathy, I'll tell you, today is not yesterday. That small detail of that sermon, which obviously wasn't a small detail. it was like the Marshall. was like the the point of the whole story, right?
00:08:04
Speaker
The small detail that made something really good into something miserable will probably not happen again today. That's the message, right? whatever made yesterday awful, it's not going to be the same day today because why?
00:08:14
Speaker
Today is not yesterday. And i I just love the phrase because I feel like it's the positive version of another Jewish story, and which I will also link down here, um which ends with the phrase Gamze Yavor. You may have heard this too shall pass.
00:08:27
Speaker
And I will leave links to both both of them in the show notes, as I said earlier. Okay. If you are new to learning about Judaism, now we get to the I didn't give you the weather report, but now we're finally about eight minutes and we're getting to the title of this podcast episode, which is my annual apology.
00:08:49
Speaker
and So if you are new to learning about Judaism, you may be learning for the first time this year about the concept of Cheshbon HaNefesh. That means an accounting of the soul.
Understanding Soul Accounting
00:09:00
Speaker
Okay. And we're under a time crunch between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur every year to do this thing called an accounting of the soul. This always gets me revved up, by the way. I have ADHD, which means that one of my personal manifestations of this neurodivergence is that I do great under pressure.
00:09:19
Speaker
um It's kind of a toxic trait, actually. ah You know what? I'll do a podcast episode on my schedule for preparing for each and every wedding because I give myself...
00:09:31
Speaker
these quote unquote fake deadlines. I have to have everything completely ready to go by like a full week before the wedding because of this. But I do great under pressure. The time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we are under this time crunch to do an accounting of our souls.
00:09:46
Speaker
So this idea, Cheshbon HaNefesh, is that it's actually at the core of um something called Lusar, which is It's a relatively recent, it's not a Jewish movement, but it's like a Jewish intensity of focus.
00:10:02
Speaker
mean, it is a Jewish movement, but it's not like a different, there's no different synagogues or anything, obviously. um Just some people are like way more devoted and intense about this particular strain of Jewish thought and practice than other people, if that makes sense.
00:10:18
Speaker
um Really, really got to be a big deal within the last 200 years, which is recent for Jews. um And, uh, that's because the reason that it's a big deal, the reason hasshbon hanafesh is a big deal right now is that there's this beautiful Jewish myth of these 10 days of the year, every single year being the time when God is also doing an accounting of all of us, all of us humans.
00:10:43
Speaker
God does this thing with the book of life. Yes, we have a book of life in, uh, in Jewish mythology, Jewish lore, And God can sort of read ahead, a little bit ahead. we you know We have this beautiful story of God looking ahead in the book of life. Of course, God doesn't have eyes. God doesn't have ears. you know but So looking through this book of life and getting some spoilers about which of us are bound to live or die this coming year, and even how we're going to die. There's a prayer that we say at Rosh Hashanah Musaf, it's called Unatana Tokev, which reads partly, on Rosh Hashanah, it is written, and on Yom Kippur, it is sealed.
00:11:23
Speaker
Of course, if you're like me, you are thinking about the multiverse. always thinking about the multiverse. So I like to slightly change the translation of on Rosh Hashanah to by Rosh Hashanah.
00:11:35
Speaker
So Rosh Hashanah sort of like the end of an entire year of all of our little movements and all of our decisions and all the things we did and said up until now.
00:11:47
Speaker
up until Rosh Hashanah, they have led us to whatever the next year will hold. So by Yom Kippur, all that's sealed in place. To these 10 days, we still are making choices though, right? So it was written down by Rosh Hashanah, but after Rosh Hashanah, we're still making these little, we still say things, we still do things, we still make faces, we still either call people or don't call people, you know, all the things.
00:12:11
Speaker
um And in that 10 days, there's a special opportunity to shift whatever's written in the Book of Life for the coming year. Okay, so it's written down by Rosh Hashanah, but there's still 10 days to shift it, right? And then by Yom Kippur, it is sealed.
00:12:28
Speaker
So anyway, we're supposed to be doing tshuva. Tshuva is a Jewish concept, a Jewish practice, a Jewish value that means um repentance, I guess. You will see it translated often, but it comes from the root the Hebrew root that means turn.
00:12:44
Speaker
So we're supposed to turn back to the way that we want to be or the or the right way of doing things. And we're supposed to be doing that all year long, right? Recognizing where we sort of messed up or went off the quote unquote path and then how we need to come back.
00:12:58
Speaker
And if we do that all year long, it will make it easier for the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. But, you know, like I said, I love a time crunch and it's much better to just deal with, sometimes it it can be more obvious what we need to deal with and feel more urgent during those 10 days.
00:13:17
Speaker
Okay. According to Jewish law and tradition, you know, there's, it's not just like, oh, figure out what you did wrong and then, you know, get better. Now we've got like
The Practice of Teshuva
00:13:28
Speaker
details. Okay.
00:13:28
Speaker
if If there's anything that Jews have, it's details on details on details. How are you supposed to turn back to the right path? How are you supposed to recognize this? All the things we have so many requirements and, um, well, actually there's not very many requirements. There's a few requirements with a lot of details and the requirements are not so easy.
00:13:47
Speaker
For one, you have to realize that you did something wrong. Okay. You have to, Stop and be like, wow, that was not, that was not great of me. Going hand in hand with that, there is almost certainly a someone that you harmed with your actions or your non-actions or your decisions or whatever.
00:14:03
Speaker
And then ideally you can go to that person face-to-face, look in his or her eyes, ask for an apology. So you have to know who that person is and you have to be able to speak to them.
00:14:15
Speaker
I mean, like phone is okay, but it's better if you do it or text. I guess text is fine. I don't think text is fine. I don't think text, I do like a text message because I'm very busy and I like to be able, but speak to them. Okay.
00:14:29
Speaker
So you have to have a plan for correcting your wrongdoing. So, and then you have to be able to tell that plan to the person. So I know i messed this up. You know, it's not okay. I think I may have hurt you in some way and I'm committed to not doing that again. And here's how I'm going to make sure that I don't do that again.
00:14:46
Speaker
And then you have to actually be willing to do what you said. It's a lot. This, you know, this repentance thing, it's not just confession, right? it's It's not confession. That's a small part of it.
00:14:57
Speaker
Okay. So The beautiful part, and the part that makes this a little harder, is that um by the time we get to Yom Kippur, that day when everything is sealed, right, we think of it as, i think it's called in translation, the day of the Jewish day of repentance, right, with like all the caps at the beginning of the letters.
00:15:18
Speaker
And we think of it as a day where go to synagogue and we are we are repenting to God, because that's the typical use of the word repentance with a capital R, right, we're repenting to God. But Our tradition says that God, okay, God can do anything, right?
00:15:33
Speaker
Well, this is one of the things that God can't do. God can't forgive us for the stuff that we did wrong to other people. Okay. And in fact, our tradition says that God can't even hear our apologies to God unless we've already apologized to other people.
00:15:49
Speaker
This is, this is something that reminds me of something that I always said to my kids. Like I really want to, um I grew up close with my brother and sister. i wanted my children to feel close to each other and whenever they were nasty to each other, I said, Hey, if you can't even be nice,
00:16:05
Speaker
to your brother or sister, how could you be nice to anyone? Right? So it's, this reminds me of that. Like it's sort of God saying, like, if you can't even be nice to the people that you love, that you see every day that you work with, that you interact with.
00:16:18
Speaker
And, and now you're going to tell me you're going to come to synagogue. You're to tell me that you're going to treat me. You can't see me. i don't have a body. you Nobody has ever seen my face except Moses, you know,
00:16:30
Speaker
and And you're telling me that there's any way in the world that you are at all equipped to have a better relationship with God if you can't even have a better relationship with people, okay? it we We ask a lot of our people, all right? And and so we must ask a lot of ourselves.
00:16:46
Speaker
So this is all to lead up to my apology, okay? And for you to know that I know that it's not exactly the way I'm supposed to be doing it because I don't think at this time I really can.
Interfaith Weddings: A Personal Apology
00:16:59
Speaker
and And maybe you all can help me with that. I don't actually know who I've hurt or how I've hurt them exactly in the 13 or so years that I could have been working with interfaith couples getting married.
00:17:12
Speaker
But instead, I turned away from them and I said, no. I said, I will not be working with you. to interfaith couples. You know, it's funny.
00:17:24
Speaker
Do you ever get in a fight with someone and realize that you just can't even remember what you fought about? Even like hours later or days later? So I was really motivated to start telling this story about how I started working with interfaith couples by my former classmate and um one of my current, she's not like my idol, you know, just can't have idols, but I really hold her in really high regard.
00:17:46
Speaker
um Rabbi Shira Stutman. She was one of the founding rabbis of Sixth and I Synagogue and she has a podcast and She now works in Colorado, I believe.
00:17:58
Speaker
She has a congregation out there. It's very cool. And yes, I sat in a classroom with this woman many times. I am bragging because it's very cool. And anyway, in an interview with Rabbi David Ingeber on a different podcast, it's called Detours and Destinations.
00:18:13
Speaker
It's a podcast, um I guess, sponsored by the 92nd Street why This episode was back in 2024, but it's pretty easy to find because I think they post monthly. So it's not too far back.
00:18:24
Speaker
um On this podcast interview, Rabbi Shira Stutman told a little bit of her story about her approach to interfaith marriage. So when she was in, and you should go back and listen to it. I will link it in the show notes. Obviously, when she was in rabbinical school, she swore she would never officiate an interfaith wedding.
00:18:43
Speaker
The faculty and staff tried to encourage her to reserve all of these declarations and opinions for later after she'd done some more learning. So up until now, her story and my story sound pretty much exactly the same.
00:18:55
Speaker
Okay. Probably right down to the same faculty and staff who were saying, Hey, could you chill? Just chill. And i you know, i don't remember exactly what they told me, but it was, um, when, when the faculty and staff talked to me about this, it was pretty clear that they thought that I was a punk.
00:19:13
Speaker
Okay. And, and it felt, it felt that way too, but that's where the similarities between Shira and I end because when they told her to just take a moment and to listen more, she did that.
00:19:27
Speaker
And I did not. I, because here's why I was 25 years old and i was absolutely 100% sure of who I was, what I thought, what I was willing to do, what was the right thing to do, et cetera.
00:19:41
Speaker
Now I should pause and I should say i am glad that 25-year-olds can be in rabbinical school. I think we need young people in the rabbinate. I think that especially for young families and congregations, especially for college campuses, all of these places where work with Jewish people is so, so important right now.
00:20:00
Speaker
I think young rabbis are so important. Okay. And I am glad that I graduated at the age of 26. I was 26 years old when I graduated from rabbinical school because i have had 20 years, almost 20 years.
00:20:14
Speaker
Okay. I'm 43. I've had 17 years to grow into my personal rabbinate and still under 45. I am still young enough to spend a couple more decades if I want doing exactly the opposite of what I swore i would never do, which is officiate interfaith weddings.
00:20:33
Speaker
Now,
00:20:35
Speaker
I've referenced this total 180 switch, in my opinion, on a couple Instagram posts, like I've mentioned it, but I haven't really gone into the whole story because first it was almost 20 years ago that I took this completely opposite position where I said no, guess that's my dog, where I said no interfaith weddings for any reason.
00:20:57
Speaker
And I am not sure because it was so long ago, 17 years ago, I'm not sure I can even clearly remember my own reasoning. Okay. Not to the detail. I maybe, I think I had a few taglines. Like I knew that according to Jewish law, okay.
00:21:11
Speaker
That um a marriage between a Jewish person and a non-Jewish person is not considered a Jewish marriage. There's a lot of ah conditions in that statement, right? According to Jewish law being the big one, right?
00:21:24
Speaker
And um then completely ignoring that Jewish law is a living, breathing body that continues to evolve and change. You would think I would have taken that into much deeper and greater consideration considering I graduated from the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College, which refers to the practice of constantly referring back to Jewish law and reconstructing it to meet our needs and the needs of our community. But anyway, I was very convicted. i was very confident.
00:21:53
Speaker
You understand. You understand. Think back to you being 25, all the things you knew for sure. And especially if those things were things you knew about parenting before you had kids. Oh yeah.
00:22:03
Speaker
You know, if you want to tell me that story, I would love to hear your stories about that. I've got them too, man. We could probably build a friendship on that. So anyway, after rabbinical school, they did let me graduate. Okay.
00:22:15
Speaker
And I, after I left my first rabbinic job, so my first job as an official rabbi was at the Ohio State University Hillel.
Embracing Interfaith Weddings
00:22:23
Speaker
I met a bunch of people there. It was one of the greatest joys and blessings of my life. I miss it every single day. I miss working at that Hillel every single day. And I loved, loved, loved working with those students, connecting with them, advocating for them and with them. And it was just a beautiful experience.
00:22:41
Speaker
And i Yeah, I miss it every day. Anyway, so some of those students were looking for a rabbi to officiate their wedding. The ones that were marrying Jews, I did their weddings, did a few weddings here and there.
00:22:53
Speaker
Not so many, because if you go back to episode, I think it's episode eight of this podcast, Contemporary Perspectives on Interfaith Marriage, there's a lot of discussion about the rates of interfaith marriage among non-orthodox American Jews, they're pretty high. You can see why i did not officiate very many weddings.
00:23:13
Speaker
So after that, I, you know, if you want my story about dropping out of the workforce for 10 years, I'll tell it to you. It's, it's boring. It's common. I'm sure you can guess it. I have four kids, you know, you could write the rest, but the reason that I did my first interfaith wedding was twofold.
00:23:32
Speaker
First, it was to help a colleague. This colleague could not make the schedules align to officiate this wedding, but really, really wanted to make the wedding happen to keep this relationship with the couple.
00:23:49
Speaker
I think this rabbi had done a wedding for the groom's brother previously and just really wanted the couple to still have that relationship. And most importantly, this rabbi wanted to keep the couple connected to Judaism, even though, or maybe because one of the people in the couple is not Jewish.
00:24:11
Speaker
Okay. And the second reason I did the interfaith wedding back in 2021, after 10 years of being out of the workforce was that I just really, really wanted to get back to work. I love working.
00:24:21
Speaker
I love being a rabbi and i love doing this work. And my youngest was finally old enough to take care of the basics for herself. Like she could cook an egg. She could change the toilet paper. She could, I don't know, put some laundry in the wash.
00:24:35
Speaker
And I don't know it was like bot coal. A bot coal is, um, it's like a little, gosh, did you watch Loki, the Marvel TV show on Disney plus?
00:24:47
Speaker
where it goes to the TVA and there's this little like talking clock. Her name's Miss Minutes. It's like a little cartoon character that sort of like corrects people when they're wrong and keeps people on track.
00:24:58
Speaker
The Batkol is like that. It's Batkol is like a tiny voice in the Talmud, but it's like a voice from the heavens, right? And when ah the one instance I can think of right now is when the rabbis are having some ridiculous fight over some small part of Jewish law and they can't agree on anything.
00:25:13
Speaker
The Batkol comes and just tells everybody to chill out And tells everybody the answer. Okay. So maybe it was like that little voice that was like, just do the, just do the wedding. Just start here, start here, start getting back to work here.
00:25:25
Speaker
See what happens, you know, see how you feel. And it didn't align with anything I had previously thought was the right thing to do. And so i it must've been some little, um, little angelic or a little divine voice that wanted me to start, start here.
00:25:38
Speaker
Well, through that first wedding, I officiated as your Ohio rabbi or from our favorite rabbi.com. You can go to my website and check out, um, my new venture doing that wedding. I learned a lot.
00:25:53
Speaker
Okay. So first of all, i collaborated on drafting the ceremony with a Greek Orthodox priest. I love him here in Columbus. Great guy. He represented the background of one member of the couple. And when I got there, one side was Jewish and one side was Greek Orthodox.
00:26:12
Speaker
You know, looking at both those sides of the aisle, the literal aisle, you know, the groom's side, the bride's side, You would never guess which side was the Greek side in which side was the Jewish side, which obviously, if you've seen my big fat Greek wedding, you know, this is a incontrovertible truth.
00:26:33
Speaker
Okay. But anyway, on both sides, every family member, moms, dads, aunts, cousins, whatever, were so grateful and just happy that I was there. And obviously that made me feel happy. And I felt like gratified. I was like, oh, I made the right decision. But I also, you know, thinking about it felt really sad.
00:26:52
Speaker
So like to be so happy, like so happy that a rabbi just bothered to show up. You know, i i don't know. I was so sad and I was like, maybe there's something that needs to change here.
00:27:05
Speaker
Because years and years ago, I wouldn't, I would have said no from from the gate, right? And me saying yes opened up this door for this family to have this positive experience of what what rabbis do and what Judaism is, right?
00:27:22
Speaker
They're not people who like close the gate on you. They're people who open up the gate for you. And there's something, oh, that's something high holidays also. Yeah, here we go. We're on fire. Okay. So anyway, I took that experience and I've always been the kind of person, like the kind of Jew, the kind of rabbi, but also the kind of person. Like I like to know this question about every, everything.
00:27:41
Speaker
Um, there's a little voice in my head that is always asking, but why? Okay. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Like why isn't the dishwasher working? Why? Why? There's got to be a reason. Okay. There's got to be a Jewish reason. There's got to be a rabbi reason. And that little voice will not shut up.
00:27:57
Speaker
And I'll tell you, that's pretty common for Jews. And it's actually a really valued trait for Jews because our our entire faith is based on enduring and remaining who we are in a changing world with, you know, periodic persecutions and all kinds of trauma and upheaval. And when we ask, but why, we ask, but how, or we insist on asking more questions, we are able to maintain a strong connection, even though things all around us are changing.
00:28:27
Speaker
Okay. So this tendency is actually, you know, it's, it's really valued. Like I said, as long as you do it respectfully and with an open heart. Okay. And that's really important.
00:28:39
Speaker
So This led me to seek out the most recent studies on the topic. You can hear all about my discoveries. Like I said, back in episode eight, the episode is titled Jewish interfaith marriage, contemporary perspectives. In case you need help finding it, it's not that far down, obviously, because this is only episode 32.
00:28:55
Speaker
So in that episode, I spent about an hour breaking all of this interface stuff down. Okay. So if you have any questions or you need any further clarification on things I said in that episode, please Let me know.
00:29:08
Speaker
Email me at your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com or drop me a note via our favorite rabbi. Oh, you are favorite rabbi.com. And we'll do an ask Rabbi Leanne episode. Okay. Let me clarify. Or, you know, if you ask me a question that I don't know the answer to you, that's my signal that I need to go back and ask once again, but why? Okay. Or, but how?
00:29:28
Speaker
right. And I will be grateful to you. So this is where my apology really starts. Okay. Now I wrote, I wrote it out. Because i I want to get it right and I want to get it all.
00:29:39
Speaker
Okay. If I ever did or said anything to make you feel like you are not respected or considered human by rabbis, by me, by the Jewish people.
00:30:02
Speaker
Are you done, Lumi? Okay, stop.
00:30:08
Speaker
Lumi, stop.
00:30:12
Speaker
I am sorry.
00:30:18
Speaker
If I ever did or said anything to make you feel... like you are not respected, like you're not considered human by me or by rabbis in general or by the Jewish people, i am sorry.
00:30:31
Speaker
If I ever made you feel like your wedding or your marriage wasn't real because it was interfaith, I'm sorry. If I ever made you feel like you were hurting and Jewish people by marrying a non-Jew or by being a non-Jew, marrying ah Jewish person, I am so sorry.
00:30:50
Speaker
If I ever ghosted you, or was curt with you about your wedding, if I was ever dismissive, rude, mean, if I was ever haughty, or pretended that there was no way you could possibly grasp my perspective or remain connected to Jewish life through your wedding, I'm sorry.
00:31:08
Speaker
Now, I have a healthy degree of anxiety. It's maybe slightly higher than healthy. Okay. But we're all doing our best, right? And as I meet more and more couples who have had the courage to approach a rabbi about possibly officiating their wedding, and I use the word courage because The general community narrative around rabbis and officiation at interfaith weddings is so strong that most people assume from the outset that it is a lost cause.
00:31:39
Speaker
That when they contact that rabbi, the answer will be no. That's the assumption. So it takes courage to ask yourselves, but what if? What if we can find one What if we can have the ceremony we dreamed of?
00:31:53
Speaker
What if the ceremony can represent both of us and both of our families, right? What if the rabbi can officiate a ceremony where my Catholic mom will cry?
00:32:04
Speaker
these couples have the courage to approach rabbis who, you know, eventually they get the answer. And I'm sure the rabbi is as polite as possible. Okay. I know my colleagues are good people and they approach their work with full hearts.
00:32:18
Speaker
Okay. I am sure they try to let people down gently, but for whatever reason, they end up just telling the couple that a ceremony representing the Jewish person will simply not be possible if there is a non-Jewish person involved.
00:32:31
Speaker
Okay. Whether it's because of the features of the wedding that come from having an interfaith wedding, like it's going to be a Saturday ceremony like we talked about in episode three, or it's because there's a reading that the non-Jewish spouse wants, or there's a tradition that they want to do. Like, I guess some rabbis have an issue with ah unity candles.
00:32:53
Speaker
I don't know. Or maybe it's because one of the members of the couple or both of them were married and divorced before. Or maybe it's because they want a priest there at the wedding as well.
00:33:06
Speaker
Or maybe it's because there will be non-kosher food served at the reception and the rabbi doesn't want it you know, officiate that wedding. Or because they ask the non-Jewish member of the couple, hey, would you consider conversion?
00:33:18
Speaker
And that person says, no, I'm not going to consider conversion to Judaism right now. Maybe it's because the couple doesn't have a plan for whether or not they're going to raise their kids in the Jewish tradition.
00:33:31
Speaker
Maybe that's partly because they don't have kids yet. um Maybe because there are kids existing from other marriages and they can't clearly answer the question about establishing the Jewish household like we discussed just in this past episode, episode 31, because maybe even the Jewish person didn't grow up in a Jewish household and they haven't gotten that far yet.
00:33:54
Speaker
Maybe it's because the non-Jewish spouse is like, listen, I'm okay without Jesus. I can give up Jesus. I can give up going to church every week. But gosh darn it, my house will be celebrating Christmas.
00:34:06
Speaker
There's going to be a tree. There's going to be presents. There's going to be hot chocolate and carol singing. And that's it. You know, what for whatever reason, whatever thing was said or decided or declared, the rabbi heard.
00:34:19
Speaker
And that was the deal breaker for her. That rabbi was like, no, um I'm sorry. So I have been talking to a lot of these couples, as you can imagine, because i i I love to help as many couples as I can, but I do unfortunately have a human body and I can't travel everywhere.
00:34:38
Speaker
and so a lot of times... ah Those rabbis that they talk to first are closer to them geographically than I am because it's no fun paying travel fees. And if we get a certain distance away from my home, ah we start talking about hotels and you know gas mileage and it's awful.
00:34:56
Speaker
So nobody wants to deal with that. um But more importantly, they are desperately hoping for a connection where they can anchor themselves to the Jewish community near them. Okay, so if you live in Indianapolis,
00:35:09
Speaker
Why would you want to start a relationship with me who lives in Columbus, Ohio? You're not going to see me on the high holidays. When you have a baby, God willing, and you call me to do her baby naming, it's going to be the same rigmarole with the gas mileage and whatnot as it was before.
00:35:27
Speaker
Okay. Now shout out Melissa. Melissa and Nevin was one of my couples. They moved to Indianapolis and I hope I get to go visit them sometime. And I'm happy to, but I'm saying you want a rabbi who's near you. And in fact, if they call me to ever do anything for them in the future, God willing, I'll probably try and find them an Indianapolis rabbi because I want them to have that connection also. Okay.
00:35:50
Speaker
But eventually a lot of these people, they get to me. Okay. Maybe I'm 200 miles away for whatever reason. the All the rabbis they talked to up until now said, no, thank you. They can't officiate that wedding.
00:36:02
Speaker
And the feedback the couples received, okay, which is different from what the rabbi said. We're going to approach this with open minds and open hearts. Okay, you know, a lot of times you say something and you mean it in in such a loving and kind way.
00:36:19
Speaker
And then the person who hears it is just not... in a time or space of their lives where they are able to hear the intention that you put out, okay?
00:36:30
Speaker
So the rabbi said, I'm sorry, I can't officiate your wedding. And the feedback the couple received was that they're unwelcome or that they're so far outside the norms that of Judaism or the Jewish faith that this wedding is, is not possible for a rabbi to officiate the rabbi, the the one authority and representative of the Jewish faith, you know, they have put themselves outside of that.
00:36:56
Speaker
So, or even God forbid that their household or their parenting will be not compatible with the Jewish life. Okay. So they, and and what they feel a lot of times that rabbis are telling them is that they don't deserve to be part of the Jewish community.
00:37:13
Speaker
and And when I talk to these couples, like my first reaction so many times, i just want to hug them. Because of course, there's no such thing as deserving to be part of the Jewish community, right? You're Jewish or you're not.
00:37:26
Speaker
You can jump in or jump out anytime you want. and And I'll tell you, I don't think that marrying a non-Jewish person is jumping out. And we did talk about that also back in episode eight. So go back and listen to it.
00:37:36
Speaker
i have more thoughts on that, actually. and i And they're rabbi specific. And I may do another episode on that, but I'm still sort of working through it. Anyway. Maybe I just want to hug them because like I'm 43 years old, like I said, and I'm getting to be old enough to be the age of some of these couples' mothers.
00:37:53
Speaker
Actually, there was a wedding I officiated. Bless these two young people. The groom was 23 and his mother had been very young when he was born, which meant his mother was younger than me. It was my a first for me, a first for me. I did not say a Shachayana for that either. But when I see these couples' faces, okay, and they tell me, you know, their experiences with being you know, let down gently or being rejected by other rabbis. They're trying to be brave and they're trying to be grown up, right? They're getting married. They're, they're adults.
00:38:23
Speaker
They're trying to be pragmatic. They're trying to be respectful. You know, they understand that everybody has the, whatever situations make them do whatever things, but, and also they're just really sad. They're really tired.
00:38:36
Speaker
it's It's a big deal. Planning this wedding is a big deal. And they had probably a vision of what it would be like. And the reason they're calling rabbis is because part of that vision was Jewish.
00:38:49
Speaker
And a lot of times they are scared that that's not that that dream is dead.
Making Amends
00:38:55
Speaker
okay And the calls a lot of times start with, and there's a vibe.
00:39:01
Speaker
They're assuming I'm going to say no. And a lot of times it feels like I'm their last try. Some couples have told me like, yeah, after we talked to you, this was the end of the line, right? So I just want to hug them. And in in in these calls, I really try to connect to their neshama, which is like their their most essential part of their soul, right? That they've had since birth. Like what makes them them? Like what, you know, it refers to the story of God breathing life into the very first human beings.
00:39:29
Speaker
So I try to speak to that part of a person, right? The part that is a mirror or a reflection of what God can be in all of us. okay And I have been telling people the number one thing I want people to know, especially the non-Jewish person in the couple, but ah it's it's definitely for the Jewish person to hear also, is that I am so, so happy to have this non-Jewish person as part of our community.
00:39:55
Speaker
Now, most of the time these days, most of the time, parents, Jewish parents are just happy that their child has found someone. Okay. They're just happy that the wedding is happening. But sometimes the parents, the Jewish parents can be really stressed about the fact that their child's chosen partner is not Jewish. And, and, and this Jewish person getting married may have heard that.
00:40:20
Speaker
before now that, know, like, and And so I want the Jewish person in the couple to also hear, we're so happy to have your fiance with us. What an incredible addition to our community and to Jewish life.
00:40:35
Speaker
So every time I have one of those calls, you know, I hang up and I think, I think about their faces and I think about how defeated they were, you know, before we talked. And I think how many people, did I make them feel that way? Was I the cause of like stress and despair and conflict about the the wedding?
00:40:57
Speaker
So now remember how I said several, several minutes ago that when you do this process of teshuva, of repenting, of going back to the right way, the way you're supposed to be,
00:41:10
Speaker
Remember how I said that you have to apologize to the person, the actual person that you, that you wronged. So that's my problem. Okay. Now you can see why I brought it up, but it's also why I'm so grateful for this podcast because it gives me like a little platform to say, Hey, if by any chance you are listening to me, maybe you're hate listening to me. and Maybe you're like, this lady, I cannot stand her.
00:41:33
Speaker
Like, remember what she said to us 10 years ago? She can't do our wedding. What even maybe you're hate listening to me. Maybe you listen to me just to yell at me and that's fine. You know, that's okay. We all have those podcasts, don't we?
00:41:45
Speaker
But I am grateful for the podcast because if that's you, if you're one of the people that I made to feel less than or discouraged or stomped on, I am truly from the bottom of my heart.
Seeking Forgiveness and Connection
00:41:56
Speaker
Sorry. I really am.
00:41:57
Speaker
And I hope that after you talk to me and after you felt that way, that you kept going. And I hope that you kept looking for that connection to the Jewish community because now as I've grown older and wiser and I've sought I've gained more knowledge, now I am telling you with complete sincerity that we, the Jewish people, really truly are happy to have you and your spouse and your marriage with us along for the ride.
00:42:29
Speaker
It's not an easy ride. Being in the Jewish community, you know, it's not it's not always fun. Speaking of rides, did you guys, you know, see that carnival ride that kind of stopped in one of the cars?
00:42:42
Speaker
Kind started dangling on a tinge and everybody was stuck there for hours. mean, it's not an easy ride, right? Being Jewish, that's been highlighted for us, especially in the last two years since October 2023.
00:42:53
Speaker
I just heard on a podcast this morning, don't know what it was now, but they said that in Israel this year, instead of saying Lish Shana Tovant, like Have a happy new year. Have a good good year ahead.
00:43:04
Speaker
They're saying, linayo tertova which means make this year be better than the last one. Gosh, tough times. But the ride of being with the Jewish people, not an easy ride, but you're along for the ride.
00:43:18
Speaker
And it is rich and loving. And it has the potential to be a beautiful way for you and your family to live your lives. And probably most importantly,
00:43:31
Speaker
I will do my best to issue this apology every year. That's why I'm calling this my annual apology. Every year I'm going to add things based on what I'm learning, what I'm experiencing and seeing and feeling.
00:43:43
Speaker
And in the hope that everyone I've wronged will eventually hear this and be able to forgive me. And to be perfectly honest with you, this reflection, this teshuva that I'm doing has been churning since that first interfaith wedding I officiated in 2021 and And it's felt really heavy.
00:44:02
Speaker
And now it feels a little lighter. And I guess that that is kind of the point of doing the whole Yom Kippur thing, you know, getting stuff off our chest, right? And we actually do that. There's a thing called the Vidui, where we do like a alphabetical list of all the ways that people can possibly be terrible.
00:44:20
Speaker
And we actually like tap our chest with our fist, like, because it is, feel it feels... Our hearts can hurt, right? When we realize that we we had an opportunity to to be a mentor, we just weren't, right? Awful.
00:44:35
Speaker
Anyway, if you were one of those people, please send me an email. And I'm serious. Send me an email at yourjewishweddingpodcast at gmail.com or go to our, O-U-R, favoriterabbi.com.
00:44:47
Speaker
Go to the contact form. Send me a message. I want you to tell me you made me feel... Like, you know what? You made me feel so. You were so discouraging. Rabbi Leanne, it really put a wrench in our wedding planning.
00:45:02
Speaker
And tell me all about it, you know, and and feel free, like unload on me and let me know. I really want you to do that because that is the only way that I will have an opportunity to do like actual teshuvah, to apologize to you and ask you personally for your forgiveness.
00:45:18
Speaker
And hey, listen, maybe we'll even have a Zoom call. maybe Maybe you want to talk to the podcast about how terrible I was and what really made things difficult for you and how you dealt with it. and And maybe that will help other interfaith couples who are planning an interfaith wedding and who are really committed to that. And that's exactly the point of this podcast, right? So you can do a little tikkun through, you know, it can be a double whammy, right?
00:45:45
Speaker
rabbi leanne does teshuva will get the opportunity to do to do teshuva and you get the chance to use your horrible experience with me to make things better for another couple all these years later so my real effort toward tikkun tikkun means like uh repairing you may have heard tikkun olam it's a kabbalistic concept which um we think of now these days as social justice, but the real concept of Tikkun Olam or the original concept of Tikkun Olam is um really weird and mystical and trippy. And that's pretty cool, but it is not encapsulated by protesting.
00:46:26
Speaker
Okay. I promise. So anyway, in an effort towards doing Tikkun, you know, while I'm in this space where I can't apologize to each and every one of you personally, my the work that I'm going to do to try to repair any harm that I caused is,
00:46:41
Speaker
I'm going to keep doing the work, right? I'm going to keep doing this work, the actual work of meeting interfaith couples, planning a wedding, figuring out with them exactly how they will feel respected and loved and included and not pandered to.
00:46:55
Speaker
Certainly not. Certainly not infantilized. You know, I don't want to lie to people. I don't want to tell people that this is, you know, 100% authentic or shtetl Jewish wedding. It's not, we don't want it to be right.
00:47:12
Speaker
Um, I'm going to keep doing the work and that includes you. Okay. So send me your stories, send me your questions, send me your experiences. I love all of your questions.
00:47:22
Speaker
I love to ask about why, right? And I really love it when other people ask about why. i especially love it when I don't know the answer. I used to be so frustrated and embarrassed when I didn't know the answer to a Jewish question because I thought, oh, this is my job. Like, oh, they call me rabbi. Like, how could I not know the answer? It's not my job to know the answer.
00:47:40
Speaker
It's nobody's job to learn the answer. How ridiculous. It's nobody's job to know the answer. It's our job as rabbis and it's our job as Jews to seek the answer, right?
00:47:52
Speaker
We seek the answer. We don't know the answers. If you know the answer, you're probably wrong.
00:47:59
Speaker
But if you do have questions, what I would really love is to you know answer them on the podcast or to interview you on the podcast. it Even if it's just, i you you might feel like it's an unrelated question, but I promise you in in Jewish thought, Jewish tradition, nothing is unrelated.
00:48:17
Speaker
I promise you. So let's connect. Let's be in connection. If you want to chat um about anything, whether you're getting married or you did get married and you want to talk about it because you miss wedding planning and you don't know your life life's purpose now, or because your kids are driving you crazy and you just want to remember when you were just a sweet young couple in love.
00:48:36
Speaker
Or if you're like, if you work in the wedding space and you want to chat about anything to do with weddings, like, you know, please, please let's connect. let's be in Let's be in connection, right? First you connect, then you then you purposely be in connection. And that's really my my larger goal for this year. my my New Year's resolution for the year 5786, this new Jewish year is to rather than to connect, I want to be in connection.
00:49:03
Speaker
Right. So with that, I wish you all a very happy New Year. And as an aside, I literally just filmed a little reel for Instagram on this because it's been driving me nuts.
00:49:14
Speaker
Absolutely crazy. I know all y'all Jewish organizations are trying to help people. So people are like, how do I say Happy New Year on Rosh Hashanah? What's a Yom Kippur greeting? And they say like, oh, you say Lishanah Tovah.
00:49:29
Speaker
But they write Lishanah Tovah in English letters. So now you've got people trying to say Lishanah Tovah, whatever it is. Okay, they say Lashanah Tova, or they say Lashanah Tova Umetuka, or they say on Yom Kippur, you can say Tzom Kol, which means have a good fast. But how do people got you pronounce T-Z-O-M?
00:49:47
Speaker
Zam. So now you're going to go say Zam Kol to people. And it's like you're trying to say these Hebrew greetings. And here's the kicker. Here's the kicker. Do you know what half, literally half of the people I saw in synagogue this year on Rosh Hashanah said to each other?
00:50:00
Speaker
Happy New Year. They said Happy New Year to each other because... It is the new year. It means a happy new year. I saw this guy in my neighborhood. I was walking the dog. He got into his car and the car's license plate said Zadie on it.
00:50:17
Speaker
Zadie is one of the Yiddish words for girl grandpa. So I made an assumption. I assumed this guy was Jewish or at least Jewish adjacent. And do you know what I said to him as he was getting in his car?
00:50:28
Speaker
said, happy new year. And he smiled and he said, same to you. And it was great. Okay. I didn't need to say liatto obama me to katikaeu viaku to this guy because he knew what I meant. And he knew that it's not the regular new year. It's the Jewish new year. So he knew I was Jewish. And guess what? We connected and we were in connection and you can too.
00:50:47
Speaker
So I'm going to wish you all on purpose, nothing in Hebrew. I'm going to wish you a happy new year. May you all be written and sealed in the book of life for a good and sweet year ahead.
00:51:00
Speaker
Thank you so much for being with me today. Remember, there is always more learning to do. and Until next time. Well, everyone, i have had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding.
00:51:18
Speaker
Until you can smash that glass on your big day, you'd might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
00:51:29
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi all one word, for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
00:51:46
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at yourohiorabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you.
00:51:58
Speaker
Don't settle for anything less.